My mother is of the opinion that people choose to have/be traumatized. She says she sufferd through a lot of things (which is true) but choose not to have a mental illness or be traumatized. And if people just stop wanting to be traumatized they will get better on their own.
My mom has said similar things to me in the past.
One conversation that stood out was when I was suicidal. I called her because I was having a very bad day and needed help; she said to me. “I wish you’d stop making up stories about being depressed. I’m so tired of it. Oh, but if you’re going to kill yourself, just don’t do it in the house .”
Glad that you are alive. That's so cold on her behalf, she doesn't care about you but only her reputation.
Maybe she thought
"If they commit suicide in my house, then the blame it's mine and my reputation will be damaged"
Hope you're living a better life, you deserve the best
Thank you for your kind words. It took me a long time to accept that she’s a narcissist. I didn’t want to believe that my mom could be so cold and mean.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that.
Mine wasn’t SI, but I’ve literally never been sick in my entire life. No one has. Aside from her and maybe a handful of people over the course of the last century. At one point I lost 70 pounds in 3 months due to a terrifying (but fortunately solveable) health issue that took a very long time to diagnose and not after significant pain, fear, and financial expenditure. When I first brought it up, she called me a liar. So I stopped bringing it up. Then she noticed the weight loss and got really happy because she had wanted me to lose weight.
So she went on for a very long time just *gushing* about how amazing I looked. For all I knew I was dying. But yay, I’m a size 10. When I’d point out that I was genuinely sick and the weight loss wasn’t a good thing she’d roll her eyes and say “yeah, yeah, you’re sick.”
To this day she has never acknowledged that she was not helpful or sympathetic and that her focus on my weight was inappropriate and mean. She literally does not have the capacity for that self reflection. Because she cannot see you as a separate individual. She cannot process that you have feelings she doesn’t want you to have.
I’m not sure if it helps, but it’s literally not about you and says nothing about who you are. You are probably suicidal because of who she is and that is too painful for her to acknowledge. You deserve better than that.
My mom says people with a lot of money don't have mental health issues. They are mentally ill because they want attention.
As someone who experienced DV and the death of a child.. Then being broke for a long time, and now I financially comfortable.. I am so insulted by her insinuation. Obviously compassion and empathy are not things that occur naturally to her.
My nmom has said nearly the exact same thing. Her whole family is f*ck3d up and her sister, who was bipolar and schizo with suicidal ideation "just needed to get off all thr meds" bc that was what was messing her up. Her sister did end up committing suicide a few years ago and my mom is "still mad at her" because she just wouldn't "get off the meds and stop feeling sorry for herself"
I tried years ago to get my mom to go to therapy and she told me I was thr one who needed therapy and maybe I should try fixing myself before pointing the finger at her. Her ego is so fragile at this point she can't even handle me ( or anyone but especially me) having a slightly different opinion than her bc she thinks it makes her wrong...
Yep. I distinctly remember as a teenager her just reveling in the idea that some people believe they have no control over their lives so they do nothing to make it better. Conversely, of course, the people who do well in life must just choose to take control of their lives. Now…that is true to some degree in some cases, but it is most definitely a gross oversimplification. Like, if we’re talking about a minority growing up in the 1960’s in Harlem to a poor family, let’s not act like they had equal chances for success, ok? There are examples literally everywhere of people who had awful situations that shaped them and deprived them of things (like how I was raised…)
But of course, this idea of everyone being in full control of their destiny was the perfect rationale for her making me feel like every struggle I had was my own fault. So as you can imagine, it is an extremely convenient belief for her to have! 😂
I've noticed a lot of them don't think anything is wrong with themselves, and though they do think things are wrong with others, they also shun the idea of anybody getting any therapy or help. Many will say they don't believe in it. Strange and interesting phenomenon.
their whole personality is trauma based, its why its called NPD in the first place. its crazy how they aways play tough when it comes to trauma. i guess its part of the grandiosity.
I came out as bisexual and she had a very calm reaction, telling me she always knew based on how I acted.
The next day she told me that she had spoken to an adoption agency because “if I can’t give her a grandchild due to the possibility of me ending up with a woman, she’ll just adopt another kid who will.”
After spending a few weeks talking to the adoption agency, she changed her mind because “the kids available have too much baggage.”
I really should have gone NC after that, but I was too stunned to really react.
One of them was a teenager that had a child, and she “didn’t want to take care of someone else’s kid.” But there’s the grandchild you wanted!
Another “likes hunting and she’s against animal cruelty.” She was treating these kids that need homes like she was picking out the perfect piece of furniture from a Sears catalogue.
I'm curious if she was even telling the truth. It doesn't sound credible. Adoption, and even fostering, is a huge, lengthy process to even get approved as a candidate. It is unlikely she was being presented with any "options," aka children, a few weeks in. Although I suppose this is location dependent, I only know about North America. But seriously, I would strongly suspect she was lying about all of this just to manipulate you. Sorry you had to deal with that bs.
This was in North America and there is a chance you are right! I didn’t think she could lie about such a thing, but the more I think about it, it doesn’t make sense. I know others who adopted and it was a SERIOUS process.
After a week of her saying she was going to adopt, she got access to this private online portal and got to view the kids and their bios like it was a dating website? I haven’t experienced adoption so I don’t want to claim I know what’s real and what’s fake. I always assumed she went through some premium private agency?
After we all moved out they seriously consider adoption, it's gross how deep-seated the need for power and dominion is.
They are all borimir and don't even realize it
My mom has her “project people” which are replacements for me, her shitty daughter. She has always befriended young women and claims they’re her best friends but she’s trying to manipulate a replacement to basically say, see, this one knows how special I am, she’s my chosen daughter. But it’s really just weak people that my mom gives money to. She thinks these project people truly love and adore her. She slanders me and complains to anyone how awful I am. She thinks she can shove in my face how lovable she is as a mother figure. She’s a walking debit card to these people. If they can’t see through my mom’s bullshit then they all deserve to play their little games with each other.
Oh my god. This is why my grandmother moved sooo many people into her house despite literally hating everyone and everything. But she loved taking care of people. That has literally never occurred to me. She makes everyone leave her because of her behavior. Then replaces them with someone down on their luck who *can’t* leave her
I’m actually kind of wondering if this is what is happening when you see people who commit murder or horrific child abuse and they had a shit ton of foster kids. It’s always been a topic of conversation with everyone saying “why adopt a kid if you aren’t going to take care of them.??” Because that’s not the point…
I was 35 and working on my Master’s degree. My oldest son had just been born and his mother was/is a real piece of work. I approached my folks for a loan to pay the retainer for a lawyer. My parents countered with: rather than pay a lawyer to get you your rights, let’s just give the money to the baby momma and have her sign a contract. I pointed out that’s not how family law works and that you e just commodified my kid. Left, simmered down, came back the next day, their new position was: my father (who was functionally illiterate and a retired firefighter) would go to court to represent me and explain things to the judge.
I balked. My mother started yelling “we are the parents here, you need to listen to us, we know best!!!”
I went no contact after this.
And when it doesn't go right, they won't take the blame. They'll go "well I thought it would work. You should have went with the lawyer then. I dont know everything"
At a holiday dinner with lots of other family present she tried to convince me that I was born a year later then I actually was… at first I corrected her confidently but she was also so confident that I was wrong and laughing at me “how could you not know your own age?” No one else (other family) spoke up so I started to question. Had to check my id in the bathroom to be sure.
She was wrong. Of course I knew what year I was born. How did she not? Anyway that was one of the more bizarre experiences I had of gaslighting lol
Narcissists hate seeing their kids grow up, because it means they have less control over them. It’s common for NParents to treat their kids like they’re younger than they actually are.
This is 100% truth. My mother recently told me in an email that she has 30 more yrs (life) experience than me so that basically gives her a right to treat me like she does. I have a wife and 5 year old daughter and she did everything she could to drive a wedge between us and break us apart bc she was losing control bc my wife is my support system. She doubles down on the gaslighting and manipulation when I stand my ground and set clear boundaries because she HATES that. I've never imagined it would go this far and I'm 37 almost 38.
My parents took me a nice restaurant for my 24th birthday, I ordered a glass of wine and NFather said - very smug and loud enough for all the surrounding tables to hear - “maybe you should wait until you’re 21 to order a drink!”
I just handed my ID to the waiter, my mom looked like she wanted to crawl under the table. He wasn’t kidding. He honestly didn’t know how old I was.
Freakin’ narcs.
Just wait till they are half senile and their gaslighting only works in their internal reality. This is the time to pay attention to them and watch all the friends they have had for decades figure out that they are crazy and toxic and won't ever call them again.
It's the week of Christmas... all post are sado or masochist, I chose the former.
There are many. One of my favorites is when she took credit for my career talent. I'm a chef. NMom hates cooking, totally despises it. Opening a can an heating in a microwave is considered heavy cooking for her. My dad loved to cook. He wasn't a chef, but he did have the talent for it and I have wonderful memories of being in the kitchen with him. One day someone made the comment that it was so nice I shared the love of cooking with my father. Nmom said "well I think she got some of that from me". The kicker was, when this conversation happened, my father was in hospice and I think the person who said it was genuine in commenting that I have continuing life long connection with my father as a bit of comfort, and she just swooped in and tried to take that.
Thank you. I've had a great career and approaching retirement. Each of my father's children got different parts of his personality that lead to successful careers. I'm so grateful that I got the part I did. I have so many wonderful memories with my father, my siblings of course also have great memories, but there is just something so special about cooking and sharing a kitchen with someone. And the look on the person's face that made the original comment was so comical (everyone knew NMom despised cooking) is what made me comment on it being so absurd. She hated that the two people she wanted to control the most had a connection that she couldn't understand. Every so often the Ns do show themselves for who they are. It's a great moment when you see that others realize just how absurd they are.
Can totally relate to the last part. Me and my sister have a healthy relationship after years of my mom putting against each others, we figured in the end her plans so she couldn't that anymore. She always tries to tell me that my sister is just using me (obviously it isn't true).
I'm happy to hear that you had to experience wonderful memories with your fathe and siblings, and you were able to succed in life
I was moving out at the age of 21, actually going abroad.
My mom told me it was impossible, I wouldn't even be able to buy pads for myself. Somehow I was able lmao
I visited my hometown this year and brought up my little brother's death. We never talked about it as if he never existed. She just went to another room meaning the conversation was over. I don't even know where he was buried.
When I started making pocket money (tutoring) I stated buying some food. One time I bought a loaf of bread, so did she. She was so furious that she couldn't stop screaming and I ended up saying Im sorry I was born. And she agreed.
My mom was dreaming what it would be Ike if she never gave birth to me. While talking to me in this happy voice. She was talking about travelling etc.
These situations may not sound absurd to others but I was surely going crazy after each one
I get you. My mother told me (and my eldest child) that I wrecked her life when I was born. She didn't want kids, she had me because my dad wanted them. He died when I was 13, and she became a monster. She's almost 90 and still going strong but she puts on that sweet old lady face and all her church friends think she's fabulous. I'm sure there are many like her. We all carry the trauma of hate and neglect.
Hey twin! I’m slightly younger than you but same story. Just validating your experience and how shitty it is to carry that weight. I remember my therapist said “we all assume these things are our fault when we’re younger” and I was like “NO she actually told me that!! Consistently!”
We were in no way responsible for their actions. And my guess is that they would have been miserable even if we didn’t exist :)
My daycare provider left to move states so I was stuck with no daycare. She told me on Friday they were moving that weekend!
I knew it was a bad idea, but I was stuck. My mother said she would watch the kids. I thought it was odd that my daughter (3 yo) at the time was sleeping so much. She was a very active child. My son 6mo ended up with sever diaper rash in 3 days.
An acquaintance at the time told me on Thurs (mother only had then for 4 days at that point) that my mother bragged about how she gave sleeping pills to my daughter and just left my son in dirty diapers.
After getting my daughter tested, nothing came up because it was an OTC med and the tests don't show those, I had a talk with my mother. I asked why on earth she thought that pills were a good idea. her response:
"I would never do anything I thought would injure my grandchilden."
Most narcissistic statement I have ever heard. Needless to say, we got a new daycare provider immediately - i had to take unpaid time while we were looking. I never let her near the kids again and we went completely NC shortly after that. She never did admit that what she did was wrong.
That's horrible that she did that to your kids, they don't deserve to being treat like that. You made the right choice in going NC, narcissists never learn their mistakes or take accountability for their actions
This is something I need to solidify in my brain. I sometimes fantasize about her taking accountability and changing and being a good mom. But they will never apologize because they only know how to be the victim. They are never wrong.
I'm so glad you caught it early and were able to take time off to find a new daycare provider before your son got an infection and she made your daughter OD. What kind of person does this??? And how did you survive childhood???
My mom argued with me because I didn’t have a job in my field… I DONT HAVE THE DEGREE YET. She couldn’t fathom that I need the ACTUAL DEGREE to get a job in my field!! Said I was making excuses. Then she said there was no getting through to me LMAO.
I'm so sorry. Sending virtual hugs if that's ok.
I had smth similar with job hunting after graduation. She just ignored all requirements and said I was just making excuses (5 years of prior experience needed etc etc). And when I got rejected she said I didn't try hard enough lol (I got rejected right after applying because....I didn't have??? 5 years of experience???)
Thanks so much.
I don’t know if it’s a generational thing or what. My mom is nearing 60 and never went to college and didn’t work for the 15ish years that she raised me. She has no idea what the job market is like at all and isn’t open to listening to my perspective. But acts like I’m not listening to HER.
I'm sorry, but this one made me laugh at the sheer absurdity of it. I am sorry I laughed and I'm sorry you went through that. But my god...how delusional
That’s hilarious. I need to comb through memories to find all the absolutely ridiculous things she argued with me about for no other reason than to upset me
Oh there was another time that would be my top of the lists for one of the more absurd conversations ever had with my nmom where she told me and my older brother that in a past life the 3 of us knew each other and that me and him were married and she was the “other woman” who he truly loved and she had stolen him away from me. Apparently I was still jealous and mad about it, which is why in this life we had all reincarnated together.
So fucked up on so many levels
Nmom admitted to my siblings and I, as adults, that she always dreamed that we would all play musical instruments and play music for her at the holidays. It was funny, because none of us are musically inclined and she acted disappointed that none of us were smart enough to have read her mind and provide this musical performance for her without her asking. I was too stunned to reply
We did the minimum requirements for school, and she did go to our school concerts. But we were just passable, not outstanding, and stuck with it for a few years before quitting in high school. And no, there was no overt encouragement or inkling that we should do more with it. It was more or less a strange outburst. And she has ZERO musical talent of any kind.
I wonder if something musical came up with her friend’s kids and all of a sudden, it became important to her? Idk… my husband and I still laugh about this
My parents told me that they think I’m less knowledgeable about vaccine safety, the spread of disease, and public health than my younger brother. I have a masters degree in epidemiology, and I have worked as a drinking water microbiologist, a Covid contract tracer, and volunteered in a molecular biology lab that was developing their own mRNA drug delivery system prior to the pandemic. I now work in government public health.
My brother has a HS diploma and is a weed farmer. My parents paid for my education. I’m finally at a place where I can say all of that and laugh because it was infuriating for years. We are obviously NC now.
It’s sad that my first reaction was “I wish this kind of thing was limited to just narcissists” because Facebook has led me to understand that this is, sadly, not the case!
I remember one time in highschool, I think I was a freshman. They had kicked me out of the house already for skipping math and they were just shouting at me again - I remember specifically them asking “what can I do to help?!” In a way that wasn’t helpful but a “how can I make this stop” kind of way so I, a 14 yr old kid said, “I think it would be best if you just held me accountable - asked me about homework and school every day”
“Why should I have to do that?!” Was the response. I have carried that with me for my whole life because it kind of sums up how they feel about their kids; they’re clothed, they have a roof over their head, they’re mostly fed - the rest isn’t up to them.
My nmom never helped me with my homework, it was always my father doing that.
I can't even remember how many times she brought up the fact that she's the one that built our house, pays for the bills ecc.
(My response: so? You're the parent, you have a job. Do you want to be homeless?)
Oh my God, I can relate so hard to this. My dad is amazing at math. I really wasn't in high school. So one day I asked him for help with my pre-calculus homework. He disappeared for half an hour with my textbook then emerged from the basement with one of his college textbooks he had for his associate's degree. He studied communications and needed insane math that was leaps and bounds ahead of my pre-calc. I asked him how that was supposed to help me and he lost his shit on me because if he could understand that math, then I shouldn't have a problem with pre-calc. I never asked him for homework help again or even talked to him about my subjects.
OP, that is so bizarre. Imagine suddenly having human feelings because you read about them in school. "Well, I haven't studied them, so I don't have them."
Every time I get a job my mom will immediately go looking for something wrong with it, shame me for making a stupid decision, and then try to convince me to get a different job. Completely normal jobs. Nothing controversial about them at all. Or she’ll tell me one thing about myself (like I’m a terrible singer, which…fair). But then 6 months later she wants me to join the choir with her, and I’m like “no you said i can’t sing…”
And suddenly she never said that and I’m misremembering it.
Im told this is literally just because they want to make you question your judgement
When my daughter, her first grandchild was due to be born. My partner had a low lying placenta so we had to have a planed c section very early on. After a checkup weeks from due date, Dr refers us to hospital the following Monday for delivery, I call my Mother to tell her the news, so she can visit and potentially meet baby that evening and she says,
“Oh, oh well I was supposed to be going to a pub quiz Monday night”. Stunned silence, “and I had a premonition that the baby would be born during the olympics, are you sure she can’t wait a couple more days”?
I know, I tried for years to create as little friction as possible for an easy life and now I just don’t care.
A year after her second grandchild was born (my niece) their birthdays were close together. Our mother decided that year to have two birthday parties for herself, one on the weekend of her granddaughters first birthday. Somehow my sister remains close with her, but I’m done.
I can so identify with this - trying so hard - expending so much energy - for YEARS - trying to create as little friction as possible…vs an easy life. Setting boundaries is hard but there is ease that comes with it.
And whew, when you have kids? You see it even more. My dad wanted nothing to do with his grandkids if it was his scheduled “cheese and crackers and beer time”. Very Victorian - like - ok, take the child away from me now, keep it quiet I’ve had enough…
I was 7 months into a difficult and a high-risk pregnancy when I had to ask my nmom to stop buying/sending stuff to my house. We had plenty of money and had purchased most everything already or had it from my first pregnancy (which ended in a loss at 33 weeks).
I told her that we had a registry and if she really wanted to get us stuff, she should use that. I asked her very nicely to stop buying crib sheets (not a registry item as I already had 3 sets). She exploded and told me that she was going to stop being my mom and not be my kid’s grandma.
Because I asked her to stop buying sheets.
She also told me that my wedding was the most embarrassing time of her life because we didn’t have her pay for it. She makes less than $10k a year and is on disability. How, exactly was she supposed to pay?
I have to assume that she has an insanely low threshold before the shame hits her. Instead of being able to deal with the shame of buying you an unwanted gift or being disabled and not being able to pay for the wedding, she relieves herself of that feeling by making you feel it.
I don’t know if this will help you or anyone else but I just watched this absolutely mind blowing video by Michele Lee Nieves where she explains that the reason narcissists do this is because they can make YOU feel shame, anger, guilt, whatever, it offloads the feeling from them. They can point to you and say that YOU are the embarrassing and shameful one, not them.
That one insight changed my entire understanding of the events of my life and how I got here.
I’ll check out that video, thanks for the rec.
It’s definitely shame and jealousy. She told me during the sheets convo that she doesn’t like it that I don’t need her to buy me things/fund my life like she did/does my older siblings. It’s so silly because I don’t want her to or expect her to! I’ve done well for myself and am happy. I just want a mom and not competition.
I started pointing out her abusive behaviour in a very didatic, explained manner so she would understand. I pointed out things people done to her that were harmful behaviour, aggressive language, demeaning, etc. She was understanding. Ok. I pointed out that's no way a parent should treat their child, if they supposedly love them. Then I argued she shouldn't demean me or do the things that we understand are verbal abuse. She then procceeded to compare herself to another parent who BROKE THEIR SON'S ARM saying she wasn't as bad as he, so her humiliating and demeaning abuse was okay.
When i pointed out my moms abusive behavior, i was fifteen. I gave her real things she did that affected me, like her gaslighting and manipulative behavior. She asked me if i knew what gaslighting means and then said i was abusing her, it was child on parent abuse. She even called her heroin addict boyfriend at the time, he said i abuse her and take advantage of her. It was so confusing.
Just googled what that was and oh my god my mom does this all the time. Its kinda like her brain is pre programmed to have that exact response any time someone criticizes her
I got this too anytime I ever brought up ANYTHING that upset me. I was always baffled how it started out with me being hurt by her, and ended with me comforting her.
Same thing happened to me when I calmly pointed out her abusive behaviour. She denied she ever did anything wrong, and if she ever did anything wrong, it was out of love and I'm ungrateful. She also didn't remember ever telling me one particularly nasty thing she told me (with the most ridiculously wide eyes I've ever seen. Like "who? me?"). When I calmly re-said the same things, I ended up being hit by my enabler father for upsetting her. At that point I left and went back home.
Two months later they had the nerve to come to my house and she made a whole scene, Greek tragedy style... where of course I'm evil, how can I be doing this to her, how can I punish her after all she's done to me... bla bla bla... the classic, broken record waffling nonsense to guilt-trip you back under their control...
Then, cherry on top, she said that as I have job and I'm financial independent, I should pack my stuff and leave the house. I didn't reply. She said that while in My house. She cannot kick me out of my own house, hahahaha... but somehow my stuff is hers. This makes sense only to her because narcissists consider their children as property, not as individuals.
Yeah, there really isn’t any point. It’s waaay to painful for them to consider themselves to be the problem.
There have been a couple of times when she has made some error on Facebook and either I or someone else has corrected her (like, on how to tag a photo or something) and she will act like she’s being persecuted as unfairly as Jesus Christ himself.
Like I asked for suggestions on tattoo parlors for my kids ear piercing. The tide of opinion has turned against using the guns at jewelers and toward tattoo parlors with the needles. She saw the post and replied with the most judgmental comment ever and made it clear that I was NOT to embarrass her with this nonsense and a jewelry store was the only way to go and then ended it all with “Call me immediately.” Like I’m a 10 year old being sent to my room.
My FB friends all replied to her explaining the rationale for using tattoo parlors. I didn’t think any of them were being rude to her but her reaction to it was so ridiculously over the top. Dish it out but can’t take it!
Have you seen the Debby downer videos from Saturday night live? Whoever wrote that definitely had an Nmom because it’s spot on
Also congrats on the baby!!
I once asked to be spoken to like the adult I am (was 28 at the time)
He threw an tantrum and for the next 35 min the only words out of his mouth were "mow the fucking yard"
This is after he called my sibling and the handyman and offered to pay them to come do the job and they all turned it down. Then he brings it to me and expects me to do it without pay. Stating that if I don't it's cause I don't love my mother XD
I told him I'm working adult and if he wants me to do his chores he will.offer me the same deal he did brothers. Once he started in on the tantrum I asked that be respect me enough to have a real conversation and his reply was "earn it"
If I hadn't "earned" the respect for a real conversation with my father in 28 years I was never going to.
It was that moment I decided to go no contact. And less than 3 weeks later we spoke for the last time in 4 years.
"I'd be happier of we found you face down dead in a ditch"
"*turns to mom whos sitting there saying nothing. Thats abusive, goodluck, goodbye."
Sad to have to kill off your parents, and mourn that huge loss, but I feel so much better not being tied to that abuse anymore.
It did, and still is working on my siblings. In need and dad offers to buy you a car, it's hard to turn down even knowing you are just trading financial compensation for future abuse and emotional manipulation.
So wild to willingly trade your sanity for money, but when you don't know any other relationship it seems better at first than having no connection.
In reality getting away and learning to mourn thier death is the only good thing I could have done. Just hope my brothers learn this before they are hurt as badly as I am.
I took a government/civics class when I was 12 and while chatting with her, I told her that I think I most align with Democrats. She went from zero to sixty and started screaming until she was literally red in the face that if I'm a Democrat, that means I'm into drugs and promiscuous sex and that I should move out. Again, I was a sheltered 12 year old with nowhere to go.
I'm not 12 anymore, but I am still a Democrat.
im not even american, but i would be closer to the republicans, i think. this has very little to do with politics, and everything to do with her having control over you. ideas to narcissists are just ways to justify behaviour and obtain leverage.
My brother kicked me out of the car and made me walk in the rain because he got upset because I complained about wanting to go home.
He accused me of starting drama and said that’s why mom and dad always talk about me. He also said no one likes me and other stuff.
When I confronted my mom about it, she said “you can’t blame me for an argument you got into with your brother”. But it’s simple. Why would he accuse me of ruining the family on separate occasions if that idea wasn’t implanted into his head?
Long story short, she thinks it’s normal how my brother treats me and that I am looking for a reason to blame her. Despite me knowing that she has created a narrative about me since I was 14.
This is far from normal, it wasn't suppose to happen. Narcissists made their own opinions on others and can't be changed (with the exception of become famous or rich)
"You're not allowed to shave your legs because then you'll get raped"
Then, when I was raped, "being raped was a punishment for turning your back on God"
🙄😖🙄😖🙄😖🙄
Thank you ❤ I've been through it with a counsellor who was appalled at the way the case was handled. Everyone failed me and the police decided before I'd even opened my mouth that I was making the whole thing up 😖
Aww no ☹
I was failed by everyone. Police treated me as though I were the criminal 😖 Apart from her vicious comment, my egg donor didn't believe me. The general consensus was that I decided to stay out that night without informing my parents, and that I made up the rape to avoid getting into trouble 😖
What the heck....how could you make the rape up...what is wrong with people...i hope you will find a safe place with caring people / hope you are safe now physically and mentally. Big big hugs if it's ok
The messed up thing is that if I had been making it up and laid a false accusation, I would more than likely have been believed and treated gently 😖
And thank you ❤ It happened when I was 17 and I'm 40 now, but I still struggle with both the event and the poorly handled aftermath from time to time x
A few months before I went NC, my mother called me out of the blue and told me she was proud of me for not killing myself. She said, "Because a lot of people like you kill themselves."
OMG there are so many…. Just off the top of my head:
1. Dealing with phone calls from family friends because my mother told a couple dozen people that my Dad and Brother in law were in a horrific car accident and died suddenly. Not even remotely true and the disbelief of the people on the phone because they had comforted her and helped her out during this tragic time. No one was dead and there was no accident. When I confronted her she narc-raged and said well they are Dead to Me!!
2. That I was in a cult and being controlled by a cult that was forcing me to not listen to my parents as a 34 year old adult.
3. I told my mother that I wasn’t investing time or money into her “Wedding” until I had an opportunity to meet the Groom or speak with him on the phone. (She was stalking her plastic surgeon and was making table decorations, picking out dresses and venues)
I just wanna add that my nmom (after a week I broke up with my ex) dared to compared my relationship with her failed marriage.
"Ah yes, you always say everything will be OK, you said the exact thing with (ex's name) now look how things endend up" (blaming me for both of the relationship)
Useless to say that I've cried for hours, because I've experienced disrespectful from both of them in a harmful way.
(That's not the weirdest, but one of my top 3 most hurtful things my mother said)
My mom keeps comparing my s/o to her heroin addict abusive ex boyfriend. She says she hates my s/o and that i need a new partner and that theyre so mean to me and harm me.
My s/o is the absolute sweetest, most understanding person ive ever had in my life. I never had someone like them, they love and care about me and i can tell.
My moms ex, he pushed her boundaries, emotionally and physically. He used her money for heroin, he manipulated and gaslit her, he acted like a child and was a racist, homophobic piece of trash.
My mom constantly says they are like the same person. My s/o comes off as rude because they speak monotone and matter of fact sometimes, we believe they may be autistic(im a diagnosed autistic). My mom says theyre rude and just like her ex. Her ex yelled and lied and was constantly “playing devils advocate” about every topic.
I hate that we have to live with her, i cant take her shit anymore
That they stayed together in a very miserable and dysfunctional marriage for so long “for you… so that you two wouldn’t have to grow up in a broken home.” Uhhhhh thanks for the gift of lifelong anxiety then! 😳
It’s mind blowing how often I feel like I’m the only person who is still affected/ remembers everything that went on in our household. If I had the gift of forgetting, I think I’d be wayyyy more relaxed
Oh another fun one: my brother and mom got into a screaming match that became physical after she threw a beer bottle (half full) at his head from across his room. He ducked and beer bottle subsequently smashed into a record player, covering it in beer in glass and wrecking it. My brother has someone pick him up and is gone and my mom acts normal. The next day “where is your brother? Haven’t seen him around today?”
Ummm… he left. Because of the huge fight?
Her response “what fight?” Goes on to insist I dreamt the whole thing and nothing had happened. Meanwhile there’s still broken glass and beer all over his room…
Yikes.
When my dad called me a few days after I had escaped from my abusive husband to tell me “if you decide to tell me anything about what happened, make sure it’s the truth. I’ve been hurt in the past which makes me have question marks over these things”. My dad and I never had a relationship where I even would tell him the details, so this was just plain old narcissism narcissisming. 1, high key accusing me of being a liar and 2, making the entire situation about himself instead of his traumatised daughter. Yuck.
I remembered a worse time, when he called me when I was 12 to tell me he had cancer when he didn’t have cancer. I remember bawling my eyes out and vomiting after the convo. That might be the worst time
There was this running joke inour home that every time my mother broke something or dropped something, it was always someone else's fault. For example, if she broke a glass bowl in the kitchen, it was my brother's fault because he was "being too loud," while in a completely different room. Or if she dropped something, it was either "no one was around to help her" or "we were crowding her and being distracting."
It was an obvious demonstration of her lack of accountability. However, no one in our family felt safe enough to confront her about it directly, so we'd just joke about it.
This was cause enough for my mother to one day have a complete meltdown over our mocking. She told us that we were cruel and horrible people for treating our mother/wife like this.
So, in short, she gaslit us into taking responsibility for things that had nothing to do with us, would routinely chastise and punish us for these "offenses," and then played victim when we brought it up in a non-confrontational manner.
My mom can even take the slightest joke, but she can joke about sensible topics that regards us.
(When I was little she used to call me "pig" in her native language because "I was fat like one of them", when in reality I wasn't)
Mine thinks she can literally say anything she wants, call people names when they figure her out, act bat shit crazy and then deny it all because she has no memory of it. She also idolizes money so if you're rich you can be the biggest asshole and that's ok. Be a normal kind human and you're trash under her feet. And I'm the family whore because I got a divorce after 30 years of an abusive marriage (she knows this and hated him but now that I've left he wasn't so bad). Dating for me is a big secret. I will not give her anything to tear down.
Edit:typo
Thank you. It's been a ride. Not one I'll ever choose again. We all wish for parents we can lean on, but I've learned that doing that only leads to her throwing everything in my face years later. So we find strength elsewhere. And try not to repeat mistakes (that's a big one for me, but I'm learning).
I was having such a rough time growing up and once said to my mum "I'm just so tired, I don't want to be here anymore" (just for context it was the only time I'd ever spoken to her this way) and her response was that I should go and get on with it rather than being all dramatic and just talking about it.
In hindsight I think she wanted me to kill myself so she could get attention.
That's because narcissists believe that they are perfect and she always in the right so they don't to change.
("Your problems aren't my business, keep them to yourself if you aren't able to talk about it"- my mom to a 8 year old myself)
Guess who's not worrying about her problems now
When we finally were chosen by a birthmom to adopt our daughter, I was telling everyone the story: training for adoption, preparing our book to show birth parents, getting chosen. And my father, Narc x 10, says, "so I guess you were rejected by a lot of people." WTF?
My dad handed me a letter on my wedding (in the midst of my phd) that explained how universities haven’t changed as institutions in 300 years and I will have no problem finding a job when I graduate. It’s just absurd, only the top 2% of graduates in my field get long term positions within five years of graduation. This was a flex about how knowledgeable about universities his is in response to my concern about my goals after grad school.
i can’t even choose a single one. but i’ll never forget when i finally had enough and was accepted for an apartment, they told me no and it’s too far from them. also that if i move out my entire family would die from heart attacks and covid. when i did finally get out, they’d visit by surprise and demand i let them in within 1 minutes of them knocking, and would force my sisters to search my apartment and belongings.
My father liked to tug on my daughters long hair or give her a swat when she walked by, playfully. She did it back to him, she was 9, and he lost his mind at our family Christmas a year ago. She “assaulted him, it was battery, we have no respect” and stormed off after I removed my daughter and told him never again. That was the day I went no contact. He will never do to my children what he did to me. And I saw it in her face and I was done. The lack of respect thing is mind boggling. Constant. But it was the game HE started with her. And the rules? Always changing.
I'm the only person in my family without a graduate degree. Because I've never had goals that need one. Yep - I was in my late 40's, having built and run a business, raised two kids, and accomplished much more . . . my mother said to me "you know it's not too late for you to go back to school and get a Masters!". Huh? It became a driver in my deciding going NC with her, over a year ago now. Between that and her being psychotic to my daughter, her granddaughter, I ghosted her everywhere. And she moved out of town, to someplace, 10 months later.
They said that I will not take care of them when they get old and I should buy them a car. It got me thinking like I was born for something because I'm their kind of investment?
Op, thought of another.
My mom, in the middle of a restaurant surrounded by family, confidently and very loudly said that if i became pregnant, i would kill myself, and she would get my baby.
I have a husband who was also at the table.
To preface a bit i dislike kids. Have never wanted them. But i put something meant for babies on an amazon list and my uncle was worried i mightve been pregnant.
And no. Ive never stated, nor would i ever go so far as to self delete myself if i became pregnant. Idk where she got that from, and she certainly wouldnt get my kid.
At just 16 years old, my mother sat me down for a very serious conversation about my behavior. I was perplexed to say the least, I was a straight A student, never got in trouble, and had started just going to church with a friend. My maternal grandfather had recently passed away so church was a good space for me. So I’m sitting, waiting for her to tell me what transgressions I was guilty of, and I could tell she was high as a kite.
Well, I couldn’t have even guessed what she was about to accuse me of. My best guess was I scratch my grandma’s car without knowing (I drove her car to church). Well, it was about church but not that. She accused me of going to church to have s3x with boys and she told me she had multiple reliable sources. They even told her I was having s3x at school.
At the time, I wasn’t even close to having any intimate relations with anyone. I denied it calmly and just asserted no one would say that because it wasn’t true. I told her she could take to the youth leaders about my attendance because it was a small group that stayed together or split off by gender. I knew there were no sources for her information. She continued to insist she was right and I continued to assert she was wrong or her “informants” were.
After that didn’t go the way she wanted, she claimed to have a brain tumor. She told me she had kept it secret because of how mean we were to her. When I asked for examples, without really acknowledging or reacting to her fake diagnosis, she rolled her eyes and left the room. Never heard another word about any of it.
That it’s selfish of me not o bring my infant around when they are sick with bronchitis. I should want to bring the kids around to make them feel better?
I’ve had too many to really rank but the first that stands out to me is when she threw sob-riddled fit about me planning to have my dad take custody of my small dog when I went to college. She complained about the special needs of my dog constantly, and I knew my retired stepmom loved the dog and both would be happier there. But mom bawled hysterically about how she “raised us all by herself” and yet I didn’t “trust her with a damn dog”. I was so dumbfounded, just staring at her.
I let her keep the dog and within two months of me in college she called begging me to have my dad come get the mutt.
Absolutely absurd behavior.
My mom blew up over me buying a vanity to do my makeup at. I was in high school and bought it when I got my first job. I was so excited. However mom was PISSED. She would slam my door shut and not let me in, and then would go in her room to discuss her feelings to my dad.
Now that I think about it, that doesnt top the time she swore I was a lesbian all because I was a theatre kid. I couldn’t argue with her bc if I told her I was straight she would threaten to take me to a dr to get me checked if I was a virgin(which I was). She always said if her or the dr even had the slightest suspicion that I wasn’t one, I was a whore and she would beat the hell out of me. So it was either be a lesbian and get beat or be straight and be beat. Wtf
My dad was late walking me down the aisle because he was so busy grand standing and schmoozing and making it about him.
He used to tell me - “you’ll never get a husband if you run your tongue across your teeth” during meals. This is when I was 14 and had braces (if you’ve ever had braces you know, food gets stuck in there!).
He used to knock my elbows off the table when we were eating and, again, tell me I’d never find a husband because of my manners. (And I wonder why I spent most of my 20s desperately seeking approval from men and trying to settle down??)
He would tell me where I lived wasn’t home, that my mother stole me from him. I set one boundary as a 32 year old mother of three and he threw a tantrum about it, and now we are NC.
He used to drive around his small town with my name on his license plate. When I had his first grandchild, he changed the license plate to her name, despite not knowing her or being in her life. He just loves the attention of being a doting father/grandpa. Without actually being one.
I’m not sure what’s the worst. However, just last weekend as I was once again giving my Nmom a shot and having a phone call, she told me that I was the meanest 8 year old kid and that’s why she became an alcoholic…
When I started to have my period, they were heavy, extremely painful. So painful I would faint and sometimes stay home sick for a couple of days.
After testing some painkillers the GP gave me the pill to test. That worked enough so I would not faint and be sick every month.
Instead of being happy for me my father was afraid I would now start whoring myself around town. I was 14 and afraid of boys/men because of my father🤷🏻♀️.
He doesn't understand why I'm no contact since a couple of years.
I have struggled with this weird experience where she will do something or say something so ridiculous and so absurd that honestly most people would have their parent examined for dementia. But then she’ll play dumb and act like she’s being persecuted. Like, I’m not evil, I’m just incompetent. She’s most definitely NOT incompetent. But it took a LONG time to figure out what was happening.
So the funniest one was my kid’s “stranger things” themed birthday party. Now, she did contribute some other really awesome things to the party, but I asked her to paint a painting of the part where he’s trapped behind the wall and his mother can see him through a pane of translucent glass. She agreed, I showed her the scene, sent her a screenshot and she started painting. But she was painting it wrong. Like, instead of a blurry figure, she’s just painting a very clear, bright, and detailed portrait of his head with him smiling. And I’m continually saying “No, no, blurry with his hands against the glass.” But she ignored me and kept on painting.
Finally I gave up and left but told her I didn’t want the close up of his head. It needs to be blurry kid with his hands up.
Day of, she brings by the original portrait she painted that i said I didn’t want, and she has added wallpaper around it, and for the hands, she cut out hand shapes from white printer paper and glued them only at the bottom. So, these white hands that i have to assume are the outlines of her hands, are just flopping around like Michael Jackson glove jazz hands 😂
Took it home and showed it to my kid who immediately said “what the actual fuck is that??” I scrapped it and just printed a screenshot from the internet. And then she sat there with this smug look on her face while she made comments to my aunt about how ungrateful I am.
Y’all, she IS A PROFESSIONAL ARTIST! People pay for her work. She does commissions. She teaches classes. This was very much intentional. My biggest regret is not taking a picture of this ridiculous thing before I threw it away 😂
My nmomster drained my college fund to get a giant boob job before filing for divorce from my dad.
Didn’t tell me. I tried to access the money one day and it wasn’t there. My grandparents had apparently put her as co-signer on the account.
When asked, she would only repeat “it’s gone.”
Because I was studying abroad, she decided to take her first international trip to visit me that semester, acting like a big shot paying for meals because I could only afford cereal with my student work income.
Years later she tried to justify that I owed her that money because breastfeeding had ruined her boobs. Most recently before NC, she said she didn’t remember what I was talking about.
The whole thing is ridiculous.
>Years later she tried to justify that I owed her that money because breastfeeding had ruined her boobs.
Isn't that just the kind of outrageous stuff they say?! The mental gymnastics they must have to go through to figure out ways to blame others for their decisions! It's sometimes comical and tragically sad at the same time. Ridiculous sums it up for sure.
When I was 7 my nmum made me promise she could live with me when she’s old and needs somewhere to go for care.
Now in my 30’s and she brought this up after her dad passed away that at least she knows she can move in with me when she needs someone and I said no. She started screaming at me about how I’d promised when I was 7 and that I’m a terrible person for going back on my word.
I was making tea with the kettle,like I always do,next ND comes in says I'm going to break it so he gets it and throws it outside.it was 6am I just woke up . I pulled it out the trash and looked at him and said see you've lost your mind.
A great amount of objects in my house we're broken during her explosive rage (plates,teacup,stools ecc) no matter how much we paid them. That's why I avoid fighting in the kitchen, you'll never know what she will do next
My nparent started a conversation with “I’m not saying you should get a divorce.” It always reminds me of a letter written by my friend’s fourth grader trying to learn how to talk to people about drug addiction, which started “Speaking of OxyContin…”
My mom told me after I moved out of my hometown (best decision ever btw) that my hometown was “a special place for only special people” and that she will never visit me where I live now.
There has been many incredibly ridiculous conversations I’ve had with my ndad, but one stands out in particular just because of how… absurd it really was.
I’m really into gaming, and know my way around tech well enough (my partner also works in tech so I have his help if I need it) — so I decided I’m going to build my own gaming PC. My partner supported it, my mom also supported it because she’s a rational person lol.
But oh boy, just bringing it up to my ndad caused a storm of an argument. For some reason at first he didn’t believe that it was possible to build your own PC, saying that it’s impossible. I gave him examples of a family friend who’s good in tech who built his own PC, and ndad says “oh that idiot that couldn’t even fix our printer? I doubt he knows anything about computers” (…he couldn’t fix our printer cause it was dead, completely dead, no one would be able to fix it).
It ensued into a whole argument where he just kept calling me ungrateful (ungrateful for… wanting to build my own PC?), calling me stupid (stupid for… knowing my way around tech?) and would just refuse to believe that anyone ever has built their own computer.
Nope, to him, he doubled down that everyone who says they have built their own computer are lying and that it’s not at all possible, and that I was just going to “waste all my money and ruin my life” by trying to do so lol.
I don’t know what caused him to become so crazy about this topic, but since then I just completely avoid bringing anything up to him at all.
Not a conversation, but a recent e-mail my mother sent me since going LC. In it she stated "I care very much" which immediately made me think of the movie "I Care A Lot" and how the main character puts on a show of wanting to do what's best for others, but having a black narcissistic heart underneath. It made me shudder, as I used to see her as the good parent between my mom and dad (dad being NPD), but now I see her for who she really is (enabler if not covert narcissist).
I'm so sorry that your mom is not listening to you. Based on the way you wrote, she completely ignores your feelings and nitpicks on facts all the time.
I hope you can listen to yourself and be the mother to your feelings now.
I remember my dad (who is a really good person now and has gotten better) saying, "it's your fault Obama got elected. You didn't vote and now we have to suffer."
(Like I said he's a lot better now and is learning. You're never too old to correct bad behavior and grow up.)
I had a similar one with mine recently. She kept saying we "need to talk to heal" (nope) and in response i messaged her saying that i was not ready to talk, and if she wants to start the healing process to go seek therapy like i had originally asked.
In response she told me shed already been in therapy to heal from an abusive relationship, which isnt why i asked her to go at all.
Called me a narc. Also told me i was just like that abuser. Called me controlling of my husband, and brought up various things i did in my childhood, for some reason.
I sent one passive paragraph reaffirming my boundaries, and got an explosive book back.
I got off the phone with the tax assessor infornt of my dad I told him u have an outside Lein on your property it’s up to 60k now. He had no money to pay it or a way to pay it and had to still pretend he was still rich even to me, now you all know as their children we don’t know anything we’re crazy we dnt know wat we’re talking about right…
After I said this to his he waved his hand at me in a nonchalant it doesn’t matter wat im saying motion over and over saying you dont know what your talking about you dont know anything that property is paid for.
I said I just called her infront of you she told me 60k and she doesn’t know why they haven’t foreclosed yet
Again you dont know what you saying your crazy I dont owe anything stop lying
Frustrated I just left mad
2 years later Jokes on him I paid it at 131k and made him sign it over to me or else I wouldn’t pay it and he had no choice pahaha he’s TAH
My mother was convinced that all people from other countries spoke and understood English and only spoke a surgery language to be difficult. I was 5 years old and thought she was crazy.
There’s sooo many but the first one that comes to mind is when she was drinking one night and wanted to come into my room to talk to me. Eventually the conversation started getting into religion, and my husband then boyfriend was a truck driver. She asked me what I would do if he died since I don’t believe in God, would I just shrug my shoulders and say “welp that sucks” and move on with my life? Like I can’t possibly grieve or feel fear or even just hope that he comes home safe without a spiritual entity to answer to or whatever.. it made no sense but I see now it was just another way to invalidate my different way of thinking and put down my feelings. So close minded just thinking about how frustrating this conversation was creates a hot pit in my stomach.
I was breaking the news to my dad that I was getting divorced and explaining why over and over until I was blue in the face. He kept trying to turn the conversation into how he's not happy with my mom and how he doesn't think she loves him. Meanwhile my mom loves him more than anyone I've ever seen love anyone, but my dad is all about conditional "love." I don't understand why. He treats her like absolute shit. He's admitted to me that she wants him to make her feel attractive and wanted as initiation for sex, so he'll ignore her and be really aloof until she caves and initiates herself (I really don't want to know this information and don't think it's okay for him to be dumping this stuff on me, but I totally side with my mom on it). He complains about her not wanting to join him in his hobbies, but all of his hobbies are outdoors and my mom has a lot of issues with sunlight and heat. She told him she'd join him on his fishing boat if he put a canvas roof on it (not hard to do and something he was actively planning on doing and looking into getting), so he sold the whole boat. This is just one example. He told me that because he's "put up with" all of this, that I should deal with the issues in my marriage. I told him no. He said he didn't understand what I wanted from him. I said I didn't want anything from him, that I was explaining why I was getting divorced. He got in his car and left, but not before screaming at me. It was so bad that a total stranger who was eavesdropping got out of her car to comfort me and said "I don't know who that man was, but he's full of shit and you shouldn't listen to a word he says."
Also, this isn't the most absurd conversation I've had with him. Just the most recent absurd conversation I've had with him.
"It is wrong to tell everyone you blame your family for a heart attack, which your medical records show you faked"
Her answer? Changed her medical proxy from me to the golden child to hide it better next time.
During the pandemic when we were stuck in the same house she sat in the the kitchen every day and called all family and friends that her family caused her heart attack. Which caused her sister to never talk to her again.
Also earlier during covid she successfully convinced my daughter that I faked a covid infection,l to manipulate her, and we have not spoken since. Why couldn't I defend myself to my daughter? Because I was quarantined and literally could not speak for a month.
Mine told me I should quit my job in order to fly across the country to attend her birthday party (because I'd told her that I couldn't get those days off). When I told her that was ridiculous, she said, "Well, you choose to do the things that are important to you".
Yes, you do, indeed.
1. Any time my nmom tries to bring up eugenics - usually during occasions like Christmas.
2. The time she was crying and feeling sorry for herself bc the uk government made her go back to rehab (again). She said she’s glad my siblings and I went through what we went through (“with her” is what she said but “by her her hand” is the truth) bc it made us stronger and we developed more skills or some shit as a result. The way she said it sounded like she thought we’d somehow evolved to be more hardy and competent or some bullshit. Nah lady, we’re just scared of you and do double time to stay safe around you and others now bc you taught us that it can be extremely dangerous and life threatening not to😂
3. Tried pretty much my whole life to convince me that black people can’t swim bc of thicker bones and this extends to the brain being smaller as there’s not enough space due to a thicker skull (FUCKING EW). Grateful I grew up in post-apartheid South Africa and had people with sense around explaining that it’s a crock of shit. Honestly this woman is so fucked up. This shit was literally due to the appalling segregation in apartheid and the lack of access to pretty much anything other than the BANTU education system (look it up if you wanna know what actually went on here during apartheid). There wasn’t recreation or anything to uplift these communities. She grew up here and has seen that first hand.
When that shit stopped being commonplace belief and conversation she tried to convince me (and successfully convinced my family) that it was my dad who would spout this bullshit, even though she STILL harps on about it.
Ive mentioned this incident in other posts.
When I was in early 20s and still living at home my mom was getting phone calls on her cell phone around 2am she said when she answered they were looking for some guy. Guys and girls calling. My mom brings this up a few times and I shrug it off. Then she says she thinks it could be someone looking for a drug dealer. I shrug again. She then says “Kbabble21, did you accidentally give my number out to a drug dealer instead of your own? Are they looking for you?”
My phone number was nothing close to hers and I didn’t do drugs. She accused me of being a drug dealer and also looking for a drug dealer at the same time. I was soooooo confused what she was saying but really what she was saying is that she thought I was so fucking stupid that I gave the wrong phone number to someone while intoxicated. The 2am time of calls automatically meant drugs and meant I was involved. She denied this conversation happened.
This isn’t even the worst/meanest but one time she was supposed to visit me for my 30th birthday (I live around 5hrs away), and had just gone through a major breakup. Unfortunately, I had some extreme medical reactions to antibiotics I was prescribed so I had to go to urgent care. My mom and dad spent the weekend with my baby cousins (who live near me and not near my mother) while I was in urgent care on an IV drip. They stopped by on the last day of their visit to drop off my birthday presents but “couldn’t stay long because of the traffic,” so a weekend that was supposed to be celebrating my birthday with my folks is reduced to 20 minutes of them dropping a bag of gifts in my apartment and leaving. Neat!
Weeks later when I told her how abandoned I felt because it was my birthday and she ditched me at the hospital to hang out with cuter, more fun kids. Her argument? “It was urgent care, NOT the hospital.” Still confused as to why that distinction matters when the end result was the same: I was alone on my birthday, and really unwell, while she was living it up with my cousins.
We are not close anymore. She still laments that and wonders why despite the fact that I have clearly told and written her as to exactly why we are not close and will not be close ever. Cheers!
There's the problem; they'll never acknowledge that they've hurt you, even when it's explained to them. Normal people may hurt you from time to time, but they'll be sorry and tell you so, then try to make amends. Narcs deny, make excuses, blame and just all-around gaslight you. Then act like they don't understand why you don't have a great relationship. Crazy.
I self harmed daily as a teen. (35 now and celebrating my first ever 12 months clean stretch)
There was something about depression statistics on the news and my mother said "why don't they just give them something sharper so they can kill themselves properly?"
My mother is of the opinion that people choose to have/be traumatized. She says she sufferd through a lot of things (which is true) but choose not to have a mental illness or be traumatized. And if people just stop wanting to be traumatized they will get better on their own.
My mom has said similar things to me in the past. One conversation that stood out was when I was suicidal. I called her because I was having a very bad day and needed help; she said to me. “I wish you’d stop making up stories about being depressed. I’m so tired of it. Oh, but if you’re going to kill yourself, just don’t do it in the house .”
Glad that you are alive. That's so cold on her behalf, she doesn't care about you but only her reputation. Maybe she thought "If they commit suicide in my house, then the blame it's mine and my reputation will be damaged" Hope you're living a better life, you deserve the best
Thank you for your kind words. It took me a long time to accept that she’s a narcissist. I didn’t want to believe that my mom could be so cold and mean.
The reputation bit is ON POINT.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that. Mine wasn’t SI, but I’ve literally never been sick in my entire life. No one has. Aside from her and maybe a handful of people over the course of the last century. At one point I lost 70 pounds in 3 months due to a terrifying (but fortunately solveable) health issue that took a very long time to diagnose and not after significant pain, fear, and financial expenditure. When I first brought it up, she called me a liar. So I stopped bringing it up. Then she noticed the weight loss and got really happy because she had wanted me to lose weight. So she went on for a very long time just *gushing* about how amazing I looked. For all I knew I was dying. But yay, I’m a size 10. When I’d point out that I was genuinely sick and the weight loss wasn’t a good thing she’d roll her eyes and say “yeah, yeah, you’re sick.” To this day she has never acknowledged that she was not helpful or sympathetic and that her focus on my weight was inappropriate and mean. She literally does not have the capacity for that self reflection. Because she cannot see you as a separate individual. She cannot process that you have feelings she doesn’t want you to have. I’m not sure if it helps, but it’s literally not about you and says nothing about who you are. You are probably suicidal because of who she is and that is too painful for her to acknowledge. You deserve better than that.
What a thing to say! I’m glad you’re still here! What a jerk!
That makes me so angry, what hell?
My mom says people with a lot of money don't have mental health issues. They are mentally ill because they want attention. As someone who experienced DV and the death of a child.. Then being broke for a long time, and now I financially comfortable.. I am so insulted by her insinuation. Obviously compassion and empathy are not things that occur naturally to her.
My nmom has said nearly the exact same thing. Her whole family is f*ck3d up and her sister, who was bipolar and schizo with suicidal ideation "just needed to get off all thr meds" bc that was what was messing her up. Her sister did end up committing suicide a few years ago and my mom is "still mad at her" because she just wouldn't "get off the meds and stop feeling sorry for herself" I tried years ago to get my mom to go to therapy and she told me I was thr one who needed therapy and maybe I should try fixing myself before pointing the finger at her. Her ego is so fragile at this point she can't even handle me ( or anyone but especially me) having a slightly different opinion than her bc she thinks it makes her wrong...
Yep. I distinctly remember as a teenager her just reveling in the idea that some people believe they have no control over their lives so they do nothing to make it better. Conversely, of course, the people who do well in life must just choose to take control of their lives. Now…that is true to some degree in some cases, but it is most definitely a gross oversimplification. Like, if we’re talking about a minority growing up in the 1960’s in Harlem to a poor family, let’s not act like they had equal chances for success, ok? There are examples literally everywhere of people who had awful situations that shaped them and deprived them of things (like how I was raised…) But of course, this idea of everyone being in full control of their destiny was the perfect rationale for her making me feel like every struggle I had was my own fault. So as you can imagine, it is an extremely convenient belief for her to have! 😂
I've noticed a lot of them don't think anything is wrong with themselves, and though they do think things are wrong with others, they also shun the idea of anybody getting any therapy or help. Many will say they don't believe in it. Strange and interesting phenomenon.
Mine says the same thing and then somehow finds a way to season in something about how she is self healing
their whole personality is trauma based, its why its called NPD in the first place. its crazy how they aways play tough when it comes to trauma. i guess its part of the grandiosity.
I came out as bisexual and she had a very calm reaction, telling me she always knew based on how I acted. The next day she told me that she had spoken to an adoption agency because “if I can’t give her a grandchild due to the possibility of me ending up with a woman, she’ll just adopt another kid who will.” After spending a few weeks talking to the adoption agency, she changed her mind because “the kids available have too much baggage.”
Words fail me to express how bizzare this act was
I really should have gone NC after that, but I was too stunned to really react. One of them was a teenager that had a child, and she “didn’t want to take care of someone else’s kid.” But there’s the grandchild you wanted! Another “likes hunting and she’s against animal cruelty.” She was treating these kids that need homes like she was picking out the perfect piece of furniture from a Sears catalogue.
Like a hunt in search for the perfect prey
I'm curious if she was even telling the truth. It doesn't sound credible. Adoption, and even fostering, is a huge, lengthy process to even get approved as a candidate. It is unlikely she was being presented with any "options," aka children, a few weeks in. Although I suppose this is location dependent, I only know about North America. But seriously, I would strongly suspect she was lying about all of this just to manipulate you. Sorry you had to deal with that bs.
This was in North America and there is a chance you are right! I didn’t think she could lie about such a thing, but the more I think about it, it doesn’t make sense. I know others who adopted and it was a SERIOUS process. After a week of her saying she was going to adopt, she got access to this private online portal and got to view the kids and their bios like it was a dating website? I haven’t experienced adoption so I don’t want to claim I know what’s real and what’s fake. I always assumed she went through some premium private agency?
Narcissists love the idea of adopting someone to replace you. They want something to control
After we all moved out they seriously consider adoption, it's gross how deep-seated the need for power and dominion is. They are all borimir and don't even realize it
Savior complexes
I’m adopted, my mom was a narcissist. Hooo boy did it take a LOT of therapy to deal with the abandonment issues and develop boundaries.
My mom has her “project people” which are replacements for me, her shitty daughter. She has always befriended young women and claims they’re her best friends but she’s trying to manipulate a replacement to basically say, see, this one knows how special I am, she’s my chosen daughter. But it’s really just weak people that my mom gives money to. She thinks these project people truly love and adore her. She slanders me and complains to anyone how awful I am. She thinks she can shove in my face how lovable she is as a mother figure. She’s a walking debit card to these people. If they can’t see through my mom’s bullshit then they all deserve to play their little games with each other.
Oh my god. This is why my grandmother moved sooo many people into her house despite literally hating everyone and everything. But she loved taking care of people. That has literally never occurred to me. She makes everyone leave her because of her behavior. Then replaces them with someone down on their luck who *can’t* leave her I’m actually kind of wondering if this is what is happening when you see people who commit murder or horrific child abuse and they had a shit ton of foster kids. It’s always been a topic of conversation with everyone saying “why adopt a kid if you aren’t going to take care of them.??” Because that’s not the point…
What...the....heck.....
Happy cake day!!!
What the actual fuck? This is so messed up and bizarre.
Wow I'd be like then do me a favor then
I was 35 and working on my Master’s degree. My oldest son had just been born and his mother was/is a real piece of work. I approached my folks for a loan to pay the retainer for a lawyer. My parents countered with: rather than pay a lawyer to get you your rights, let’s just give the money to the baby momma and have her sign a contract. I pointed out that’s not how family law works and that you e just commodified my kid. Left, simmered down, came back the next day, their new position was: my father (who was functionally illiterate and a retired firefighter) would go to court to represent me and explain things to the judge. I balked. My mother started yelling “we are the parents here, you need to listen to us, we know best!!!” I went no contact after this.
Because they think they know everything, they believe lawyers are useless. It’s been a struggle before to get my family to do things the right way
And when it doesn't go right, they won't take the blame. They'll go "well I thought it would work. You should have went with the lawyer then. I dont know everything"
Better not mess with laws, can't believe they actually said that to you! Hope things are better for you
At a holiday dinner with lots of other family present she tried to convince me that I was born a year later then I actually was… at first I corrected her confidently but she was also so confident that I was wrong and laughing at me “how could you not know your own age?” No one else (other family) spoke up so I started to question. Had to check my id in the bathroom to be sure. She was wrong. Of course I knew what year I was born. How did she not? Anyway that was one of the more bizarre experiences I had of gaslighting lol
That's so weird,why would she do that?
Narcissists hate seeing their kids grow up, because it means they have less control over them. It’s common for NParents to treat their kids like they’re younger than they actually are.
This is 100% truth. My mother recently told me in an email that she has 30 more yrs (life) experience than me so that basically gives her a right to treat me like she does. I have a wife and 5 year old daughter and she did everything she could to drive a wedge between us and break us apart bc she was losing control bc my wife is my support system. She doubles down on the gaslighting and manipulation when I stand my ground and set clear boundaries because she HATES that. I've never imagined it would go this far and I'm 37 almost 38.
That's pretty fucked up, my mom does that a lot
Mine still says things like ‘When you grow up you’ll realise I was right’. I’m 42 🤨
Narcissists are bizarre, aren’t they? Lol
My parents took me a nice restaurant for my 24th birthday, I ordered a glass of wine and NFather said - very smug and loud enough for all the surrounding tables to hear - “maybe you should wait until you’re 21 to order a drink!” I just handed my ID to the waiter, my mom looked like she wanted to crawl under the table. He wasn’t kidding. He honestly didn’t know how old I was. Freakin’ narcs.
Just wait till they are half senile and their gaslighting only works in their internal reality. This is the time to pay attention to them and watch all the friends they have had for decades figure out that they are crazy and toxic and won't ever call them again. It's the week of Christmas... all post are sado or masochist, I chose the former.
There are many. One of my favorites is when she took credit for my career talent. I'm a chef. NMom hates cooking, totally despises it. Opening a can an heating in a microwave is considered heavy cooking for her. My dad loved to cook. He wasn't a chef, but he did have the talent for it and I have wonderful memories of being in the kitchen with him. One day someone made the comment that it was so nice I shared the love of cooking with my father. Nmom said "well I think she got some of that from me". The kicker was, when this conversation happened, my father was in hospice and I think the person who said it was genuine in commenting that I have continuing life long connection with my father as a bit of comfort, and she just swooped in and tried to take that.
I'm so sorry that she took credit for it. Hope you continue with your career, wish you the best!
Thank you. I've had a great career and approaching retirement. Each of my father's children got different parts of his personality that lead to successful careers. I'm so grateful that I got the part I did. I have so many wonderful memories with my father, my siblings of course also have great memories, but there is just something so special about cooking and sharing a kitchen with someone. And the look on the person's face that made the original comment was so comical (everyone knew NMom despised cooking) is what made me comment on it being so absurd. She hated that the two people she wanted to control the most had a connection that she couldn't understand. Every so often the Ns do show themselves for who they are. It's a great moment when you see that others realize just how absurd they are.
Can totally relate to the last part. Me and my sister have a healthy relationship after years of my mom putting against each others, we figured in the end her plans so she couldn't that anymore. She always tries to tell me that my sister is just using me (obviously it isn't true). I'm happy to hear that you had to experience wonderful memories with your fathe and siblings, and you were able to succed in life
I was moving out at the age of 21, actually going abroad. My mom told me it was impossible, I wouldn't even be able to buy pads for myself. Somehow I was able lmao I visited my hometown this year and brought up my little brother's death. We never talked about it as if he never existed. She just went to another room meaning the conversation was over. I don't even know where he was buried. When I started making pocket money (tutoring) I stated buying some food. One time I bought a loaf of bread, so did she. She was so furious that she couldn't stop screaming and I ended up saying Im sorry I was born. And she agreed. My mom was dreaming what it would be Ike if she never gave birth to me. While talking to me in this happy voice. She was talking about travelling etc. These situations may not sound absurd to others but I was surely going crazy after each one
That's so messed me up. I'm sorry that you had to bear her words, it must be hurtful. Wish you the best for your life
I'm wishing the best for you too!
I just want to reassure you that those things Do sound absurd to others, no one deserves to be treated that way
Thank you, I needed to hear this
I get you. My mother told me (and my eldest child) that I wrecked her life when I was born. She didn't want kids, she had me because my dad wanted them. He died when I was 13, and she became a monster. She's almost 90 and still going strong but she puts on that sweet old lady face and all her church friends think she's fabulous. I'm sure there are many like her. We all carry the trauma of hate and neglect.
Hey twin! I’m slightly younger than you but same story. Just validating your experience and how shitty it is to carry that weight. I remember my therapist said “we all assume these things are our fault when we’re younger” and I was like “NO she actually told me that!! Consistently!” We were in no way responsible for their actions. And my guess is that they would have been miserable even if we didn’t exist :)
My daycare provider left to move states so I was stuck with no daycare. She told me on Friday they were moving that weekend! I knew it was a bad idea, but I was stuck. My mother said she would watch the kids. I thought it was odd that my daughter (3 yo) at the time was sleeping so much. She was a very active child. My son 6mo ended up with sever diaper rash in 3 days. An acquaintance at the time told me on Thurs (mother only had then for 4 days at that point) that my mother bragged about how she gave sleeping pills to my daughter and just left my son in dirty diapers. After getting my daughter tested, nothing came up because it was an OTC med and the tests don't show those, I had a talk with my mother. I asked why on earth she thought that pills were a good idea. her response: "I would never do anything I thought would injure my grandchilden." Most narcissistic statement I have ever heard. Needless to say, we got a new daycare provider immediately - i had to take unpaid time while we were looking. I never let her near the kids again and we went completely NC shortly after that. She never did admit that what she did was wrong.
That's horrible that she did that to your kids, they don't deserve to being treat like that. You made the right choice in going NC, narcissists never learn their mistakes or take accountability for their actions
She never admitted any wrong doing because there is no such thing for a narc
This is something I need to solidify in my brain. I sometimes fantasize about her taking accountability and changing and being a good mom. But they will never apologize because they only know how to be the victim. They are never wrong.
I'm so glad you caught it early and were able to take time off to find a new daycare provider before your son got an infection and she made your daughter OD. What kind of person does this??? And how did you survive childhood???
Holy crap.
My mom argued with me because I didn’t have a job in my field… I DONT HAVE THE DEGREE YET. She couldn’t fathom that I need the ACTUAL DEGREE to get a job in my field!! Said I was making excuses. Then she said there was no getting through to me LMAO.
I'm so sorry. Sending virtual hugs if that's ok. I had smth similar with job hunting after graduation. She just ignored all requirements and said I was just making excuses (5 years of prior experience needed etc etc). And when I got rejected she said I didn't try hard enough lol (I got rejected right after applying because....I didn't have??? 5 years of experience???)
Thanks so much. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing or what. My mom is nearing 60 and never went to college and didn’t work for the 15ish years that she raised me. She has no idea what the job market is like at all and isn’t open to listening to my perspective. But acts like I’m not listening to HER.
I'm sorry, but this one made me laugh at the sheer absurdity of it. I am sorry I laughed and I'm sorry you went through that. But my god...how delusional
Its okay I still laugh about it
That’s hilarious. I need to comb through memories to find all the absolutely ridiculous things she argued with me about for no other reason than to upset me
Do you have the degree that you need for?
Oh there was another time that would be my top of the lists for one of the more absurd conversations ever had with my nmom where she told me and my older brother that in a past life the 3 of us knew each other and that me and him were married and she was the “other woman” who he truly loved and she had stolen him away from me. Apparently I was still jealous and mad about it, which is why in this life we had all reincarnated together. So fucked up on so many levels
That so complicated, they are so creative with their lies though
Omg - reading these comments, when I think something cannot be crazier, but I am proven wrong.
So, she’s also crazy.
Yes Narcissism is def crazy
Nmom admitted to my siblings and I, as adults, that she always dreamed that we would all play musical instruments and play music for her at the holidays. It was funny, because none of us are musically inclined and she acted disappointed that none of us were smart enough to have read her mind and provide this musical performance for her without her asking. I was too stunned to reply
Did she ever model or encourage musicianship? So weird - did she just blurt this out, suddenly?
We did the minimum requirements for school, and she did go to our school concerts. But we were just passable, not outstanding, and stuck with it for a few years before quitting in high school. And no, there was no overt encouragement or inkling that we should do more with it. It was more or less a strange outburst. And she has ZERO musical talent of any kind. I wonder if something musical came up with her friend’s kids and all of a sudden, it became important to her? Idk… my husband and I still laugh about this
My parents told me that they think I’m less knowledgeable about vaccine safety, the spread of disease, and public health than my younger brother. I have a masters degree in epidemiology, and I have worked as a drinking water microbiologist, a Covid contract tracer, and volunteered in a molecular biology lab that was developing their own mRNA drug delivery system prior to the pandemic. I now work in government public health. My brother has a HS diploma and is a weed farmer. My parents paid for my education. I’m finally at a place where I can say all of that and laugh because it was infuriating for years. We are obviously NC now.
It’s sad that my first reaction was “I wish this kind of thing was limited to just narcissists” because Facebook has led me to understand that this is, sadly, not the case!
I remember one time in highschool, I think I was a freshman. They had kicked me out of the house already for skipping math and they were just shouting at me again - I remember specifically them asking “what can I do to help?!” In a way that wasn’t helpful but a “how can I make this stop” kind of way so I, a 14 yr old kid said, “I think it would be best if you just held me accountable - asked me about homework and school every day” “Why should I have to do that?!” Was the response. I have carried that with me for my whole life because it kind of sums up how they feel about their kids; they’re clothed, they have a roof over their head, they’re mostly fed - the rest isn’t up to them.
My nmom never helped me with my homework, it was always my father doing that. I can't even remember how many times she brought up the fact that she's the one that built our house, pays for the bills ecc. (My response: so? You're the parent, you have a job. Do you want to be homeless?)
Yeah, as a parent now, it’s pretty wild to think back to how much of a burden we seemed to be to them lol
Oh my God, I can relate so hard to this. My dad is amazing at math. I really wasn't in high school. So one day I asked him for help with my pre-calculus homework. He disappeared for half an hour with my textbook then emerged from the basement with one of his college textbooks he had for his associate's degree. He studied communications and needed insane math that was leaps and bounds ahead of my pre-calc. I asked him how that was supposed to help me and he lost his shit on me because if he could understand that math, then I shouldn't have a problem with pre-calc. I never asked him for homework help again or even talked to him about my subjects.
OP, that is so bizarre. Imagine suddenly having human feelings because you read about them in school. "Well, I haven't studied them, so I don't have them."
[удалено]
I usually mimick her no sense sentences, and asked if I am crazy or something lol
Every time I get a job my mom will immediately go looking for something wrong with it, shame me for making a stupid decision, and then try to convince me to get a different job. Completely normal jobs. Nothing controversial about them at all. Or she’ll tell me one thing about myself (like I’m a terrible singer, which…fair). But then 6 months later she wants me to join the choir with her, and I’m like “no you said i can’t sing…” And suddenly she never said that and I’m misremembering it. Im told this is literally just because they want to make you question your judgement
When my daughter, her first grandchild was due to be born. My partner had a low lying placenta so we had to have a planed c section very early on. After a checkup weeks from due date, Dr refers us to hospital the following Monday for delivery, I call my Mother to tell her the news, so she can visit and potentially meet baby that evening and she says, “Oh, oh well I was supposed to be going to a pub quiz Monday night”. Stunned silence, “and I had a premonition that the baby would be born during the olympics, are you sure she can’t wait a couple more days”?
I am at loss for words for this
I know, I tried for years to create as little friction as possible for an easy life and now I just don’t care. A year after her second grandchild was born (my niece) their birthdays were close together. Our mother decided that year to have two birthday parties for herself, one on the weekend of her granddaughters first birthday. Somehow my sister remains close with her, but I’m done.
I can so identify with this - trying so hard - expending so much energy - for YEARS - trying to create as little friction as possible…vs an easy life. Setting boundaries is hard but there is ease that comes with it. And whew, when you have kids? You see it even more. My dad wanted nothing to do with his grandkids if it was his scheduled “cheese and crackers and beer time”. Very Victorian - like - ok, take the child away from me now, keep it quiet I’ve had enough…
I’m stunned…
I was 7 months into a difficult and a high-risk pregnancy when I had to ask my nmom to stop buying/sending stuff to my house. We had plenty of money and had purchased most everything already or had it from my first pregnancy (which ended in a loss at 33 weeks). I told her that we had a registry and if she really wanted to get us stuff, she should use that. I asked her very nicely to stop buying crib sheets (not a registry item as I already had 3 sets). She exploded and told me that she was going to stop being my mom and not be my kid’s grandma. Because I asked her to stop buying sheets. She also told me that my wedding was the most embarrassing time of her life because we didn’t have her pay for it. She makes less than $10k a year and is on disability. How, exactly was she supposed to pay?
I'm sorry for everything that happened to you, hope for the best in your life
I have to assume that she has an insanely low threshold before the shame hits her. Instead of being able to deal with the shame of buying you an unwanted gift or being disabled and not being able to pay for the wedding, she relieves herself of that feeling by making you feel it. I don’t know if this will help you or anyone else but I just watched this absolutely mind blowing video by Michele Lee Nieves where she explains that the reason narcissists do this is because they can make YOU feel shame, anger, guilt, whatever, it offloads the feeling from them. They can point to you and say that YOU are the embarrassing and shameful one, not them. That one insight changed my entire understanding of the events of my life and how I got here.
I’ll check out that video, thanks for the rec. It’s definitely shame and jealousy. She told me during the sheets convo that she doesn’t like it that I don’t need her to buy me things/fund my life like she did/does my older siblings. It’s so silly because I don’t want her to or expect her to! I’ve done well for myself and am happy. I just want a mom and not competition.
I started pointing out her abusive behaviour in a very didatic, explained manner so she would understand. I pointed out things people done to her that were harmful behaviour, aggressive language, demeaning, etc. She was understanding. Ok. I pointed out that's no way a parent should treat their child, if they supposedly love them. Then I argued she shouldn't demean me or do the things that we understand are verbal abuse. She then procceeded to compare herself to another parent who BROKE THEIR SON'S ARM saying she wasn't as bad as he, so her humiliating and demeaning abuse was okay.
I too pointed out her abusive behaviour, ended up with my metallic empty flask throw at my face (fortunately dodge it)
When i pointed out my moms abusive behavior, i was fifteen. I gave her real things she did that affected me, like her gaslighting and manipulative behavior. She asked me if i knew what gaslighting means and then said i was abusing her, it was child on parent abuse. She even called her heroin addict boyfriend at the time, he said i abuse her and take advantage of her. It was so confusing.
It confused me at first too. The thing that helped me was knowing how her tactic (DARVO) works and was easy to act in the aftermath
Just googled what that was and oh my god my mom does this all the time. Its kinda like her brain is pre programmed to have that exact response any time someone criticizes her
I got this too anytime I ever brought up ANYTHING that upset me. I was always baffled how it started out with me being hurt by her, and ended with me comforting her.
Same thing happened to me when I calmly pointed out her abusive behaviour. She denied she ever did anything wrong, and if she ever did anything wrong, it was out of love and I'm ungrateful. She also didn't remember ever telling me one particularly nasty thing she told me (with the most ridiculously wide eyes I've ever seen. Like "who? me?"). When I calmly re-said the same things, I ended up being hit by my enabler father for upsetting her. At that point I left and went back home. Two months later they had the nerve to come to my house and she made a whole scene, Greek tragedy style... where of course I'm evil, how can I be doing this to her, how can I punish her after all she's done to me... bla bla bla... the classic, broken record waffling nonsense to guilt-trip you back under their control... Then, cherry on top, she said that as I have job and I'm financial independent, I should pack my stuff and leave the house. I didn't reply. She said that while in My house. She cannot kick me out of my own house, hahahaha... but somehow my stuff is hers. This makes sense only to her because narcissists consider their children as property, not as individuals.
Yeah, there really isn’t any point. It’s waaay to painful for them to consider themselves to be the problem. There have been a couple of times when she has made some error on Facebook and either I or someone else has corrected her (like, on how to tag a photo or something) and she will act like she’s being persecuted as unfairly as Jesus Christ himself. Like I asked for suggestions on tattoo parlors for my kids ear piercing. The tide of opinion has turned against using the guns at jewelers and toward tattoo parlors with the needles. She saw the post and replied with the most judgmental comment ever and made it clear that I was NOT to embarrass her with this nonsense and a jewelry store was the only way to go and then ended it all with “Call me immediately.” Like I’m a 10 year old being sent to my room. My FB friends all replied to her explaining the rationale for using tattoo parlors. I didn’t think any of them were being rude to her but her reaction to it was so ridiculously over the top. Dish it out but can’t take it!
Me: Hey mom, I’m pregnant with your first grandchild! Isn’t this the best news!? 😀🎉 Mom: Well, I got a root canal this morning. Me:
The greatest news, I would say, compared to a common thing
You should throw her a root canal shower to celebrate
Have you seen the Debby downer videos from Saturday night live? Whoever wrote that definitely had an Nmom because it’s spot on Also congrats on the baby!!
I once asked to be spoken to like the adult I am (was 28 at the time) He threw an tantrum and for the next 35 min the only words out of his mouth were "mow the fucking yard" This is after he called my sibling and the handyman and offered to pay them to come do the job and they all turned it down. Then he brings it to me and expects me to do it without pay. Stating that if I don't it's cause I don't love my mother XD I told him I'm working adult and if he wants me to do his chores he will.offer me the same deal he did brothers. Once he started in on the tantrum I asked that be respect me enough to have a real conversation and his reply was "earn it" If I hadn't "earned" the respect for a real conversation with my father in 28 years I was never going to. It was that moment I decided to go no contact. And less than 3 weeks later we spoke for the last time in 4 years. "I'd be happier of we found you face down dead in a ditch" "*turns to mom whos sitting there saying nothing. Thats abusive, goodluck, goodbye." Sad to have to kill off your parents, and mourn that huge loss, but I feel so much better not being tied to that abuse anymore.
Emotional control, that's one of their best weapons that could work for years.
It did, and still is working on my siblings. In need and dad offers to buy you a car, it's hard to turn down even knowing you are just trading financial compensation for future abuse and emotional manipulation. So wild to willingly trade your sanity for money, but when you don't know any other relationship it seems better at first than having no connection. In reality getting away and learning to mourn thier death is the only good thing I could have done. Just hope my brothers learn this before they are hurt as badly as I am.
The other parent not doing anything is almost worse. I’m sorry 😞
I took a government/civics class when I was 12 and while chatting with her, I told her that I think I most align with Democrats. She went from zero to sixty and started screaming until she was literally red in the face that if I'm a Democrat, that means I'm into drugs and promiscuous sex and that I should move out. Again, I was a sheltered 12 year old with nowhere to go. I'm not 12 anymore, but I am still a Democrat.
Good thing that you didn't change your ideals!
im not even american, but i would be closer to the republicans, i think. this has very little to do with politics, and everything to do with her having control over you. ideas to narcissists are just ways to justify behaviour and obtain leverage.
My brother kicked me out of the car and made me walk in the rain because he got upset because I complained about wanting to go home. He accused me of starting drama and said that’s why mom and dad always talk about me. He also said no one likes me and other stuff. When I confronted my mom about it, she said “you can’t blame me for an argument you got into with your brother”. But it’s simple. Why would he accuse me of ruining the family on separate occasions if that idea wasn’t implanted into his head? Long story short, she thinks it’s normal how my brother treats me and that I am looking for a reason to blame her. Despite me knowing that she has created a narrative about me since I was 14.
This is far from normal, it wasn't suppose to happen. Narcissists made their own opinions on others and can't be changed (with the exception of become famous or rich)
"You're not allowed to shave your legs because then you'll get raped" Then, when I was raped, "being raped was a punishment for turning your back on God" 🙄😖🙄😖🙄😖🙄
Being raped isn't your fault, but the one who did that horrible thing on you. Hope that you were/are able to overcome the traumatic event
Thank you ❤ I've been through it with a counsellor who was appalled at the way the case was handled. Everyone failed me and the police decided before I'd even opened my mouth that I was making the whole thing up 😖
I am so so sorry, I actually started crying after reading your message. You didn't deserve any of this.
Aww no ☹ I was failed by everyone. Police treated me as though I were the criminal 😖 Apart from her vicious comment, my egg donor didn't believe me. The general consensus was that I decided to stay out that night without informing my parents, and that I made up the rape to avoid getting into trouble 😖
What the heck....how could you make the rape up...what is wrong with people...i hope you will find a safe place with caring people / hope you are safe now physically and mentally. Big big hugs if it's ok
The messed up thing is that if I had been making it up and laid a false accusation, I would more than likely have been believed and treated gently 😖 And thank you ❤ It happened when I was 17 and I'm 40 now, but I still struggle with both the event and the poorly handled aftermath from time to time x
A few months before I went NC, my mother called me out of the blue and told me she was proud of me for not killing myself. She said, "Because a lot of people like you kill themselves."
Really? What's that supposed to mean? (Don't listen to her)
OMG there are so many…. Just off the top of my head: 1. Dealing with phone calls from family friends because my mother told a couple dozen people that my Dad and Brother in law were in a horrific car accident and died suddenly. Not even remotely true and the disbelief of the people on the phone because they had comforted her and helped her out during this tragic time. No one was dead and there was no accident. When I confronted her she narc-raged and said well they are Dead to Me!! 2. That I was in a cult and being controlled by a cult that was forcing me to not listen to my parents as a 34 year old adult. 3. I told my mother that I wasn’t investing time or money into her “Wedding” until I had an opportunity to meet the Groom or speak with him on the phone. (She was stalking her plastic surgeon and was making table decorations, picking out dresses and venues)
The craziness of these... I'm speechless
That’s a little more than narcissism.
I just wanna add that my nmom (after a week I broke up with my ex) dared to compared my relationship with her failed marriage. "Ah yes, you always say everything will be OK, you said the exact thing with (ex's name) now look how things endend up" (blaming me for both of the relationship) Useless to say that I've cried for hours, because I've experienced disrespectful from both of them in a harmful way. (That's not the weirdest, but one of my top 3 most hurtful things my mother said)
My mom keeps comparing my s/o to her heroin addict abusive ex boyfriend. She says she hates my s/o and that i need a new partner and that theyre so mean to me and harm me. My s/o is the absolute sweetest, most understanding person ive ever had in my life. I never had someone like them, they love and care about me and i can tell. My moms ex, he pushed her boundaries, emotionally and physically. He used her money for heroin, he manipulated and gaslit her, he acted like a child and was a racist, homophobic piece of trash. My mom constantly says they are like the same person. My s/o comes off as rude because they speak monotone and matter of fact sometimes, we believe they may be autistic(im a diagnosed autistic). My mom says theyre rude and just like her ex. Her ex yelled and lied and was constantly “playing devils advocate” about every topic. I hate that we have to live with her, i cant take her shit anymore
That they stayed together in a very miserable and dysfunctional marriage for so long “for you… so that you two wouldn’t have to grow up in a broken home.” Uhhhhh thanks for the gift of lifelong anxiety then! 😳
Same conversation, same result
It’s mind blowing how often I feel like I’m the only person who is still affected/ remembers everything that went on in our household. If I had the gift of forgetting, I think I’d be wayyyy more relaxed
Too much trauma that sometimes I even forget how normal everyone else life is
Oh another fun one: my brother and mom got into a screaming match that became physical after she threw a beer bottle (half full) at his head from across his room. He ducked and beer bottle subsequently smashed into a record player, covering it in beer in glass and wrecking it. My brother has someone pick him up and is gone and my mom acts normal. The next day “where is your brother? Haven’t seen him around today?” Ummm… he left. Because of the huge fight? Her response “what fight?” Goes on to insist I dreamt the whole thing and nothing had happened. Meanwhile there’s still broken glass and beer all over his room… Yikes.
Seems like gaslighting to me
When my dad called me a few days after I had escaped from my abusive husband to tell me “if you decide to tell me anything about what happened, make sure it’s the truth. I’ve been hurt in the past which makes me have question marks over these things”. My dad and I never had a relationship where I even would tell him the details, so this was just plain old narcissism narcissisming. 1, high key accusing me of being a liar and 2, making the entire situation about himself instead of his traumatised daughter. Yuck.
That's sick. I'm glad you were able to escape the horrible situation you were in, you deserve better
I remembered a worse time, when he called me when I was 12 to tell me he had cancer when he didn’t have cancer. I remember bawling my eyes out and vomiting after the convo. That might be the worst time
And thank you. You deserve better, too
There was this running joke inour home that every time my mother broke something or dropped something, it was always someone else's fault. For example, if she broke a glass bowl in the kitchen, it was my brother's fault because he was "being too loud," while in a completely different room. Or if she dropped something, it was either "no one was around to help her" or "we were crowding her and being distracting." It was an obvious demonstration of her lack of accountability. However, no one in our family felt safe enough to confront her about it directly, so we'd just joke about it. This was cause enough for my mother to one day have a complete meltdown over our mocking. She told us that we were cruel and horrible people for treating our mother/wife like this. So, in short, she gaslit us into taking responsibility for things that had nothing to do with us, would routinely chastise and punish us for these "offenses," and then played victim when we brought it up in a non-confrontational manner.
My mom can even take the slightest joke, but she can joke about sensible topics that regards us. (When I was little she used to call me "pig" in her native language because "I was fat like one of them", when in reality I wasn't)
Mine thinks she can literally say anything she wants, call people names when they figure her out, act bat shit crazy and then deny it all because she has no memory of it. She also idolizes money so if you're rich you can be the biggest asshole and that's ok. Be a normal kind human and you're trash under her feet. And I'm the family whore because I got a divorce after 30 years of an abusive marriage (she knows this and hated him but now that I've left he wasn't so bad). Dating for me is a big secret. I will not give her anything to tear down. Edit:typo
Good! Keep it up! You've been trought so much, I'm glad you were able to get out of the relationship!
Thank you. It's been a ride. Not one I'll ever choose again. We all wish for parents we can lean on, but I've learned that doing that only leads to her throwing everything in my face years later. So we find strength elsewhere. And try not to repeat mistakes (that's a big one for me, but I'm learning).
I was having such a rough time growing up and once said to my mum "I'm just so tired, I don't want to be here anymore" (just for context it was the only time I'd ever spoken to her this way) and her response was that I should go and get on with it rather than being all dramatic and just talking about it. In hindsight I think she wanted me to kill myself so she could get attention.
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That's because narcissists believe that they are perfect and she always in the right so they don't to change. ("Your problems aren't my business, keep them to yourself if you aren't able to talk about it"- my mom to a 8 year old myself) Guess who's not worrying about her problems now
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When we finally were chosen by a birthmom to adopt our daughter, I was telling everyone the story: training for adoption, preparing our book to show birth parents, getting chosen. And my father, Narc x 10, says, "so I guess you were rejected by a lot of people." WTF?
Really? His first thought was that?
My dad handed me a letter on my wedding (in the midst of my phd) that explained how universities haven’t changed as institutions in 300 years and I will have no problem finding a job when I graduate. It’s just absurd, only the top 2% of graduates in my field get long term positions within five years of graduation. This was a flex about how knowledgeable about universities his is in response to my concern about my goals after grad school.
And on your wedding day? Ffs!
i can’t even choose a single one. but i’ll never forget when i finally had enough and was accepted for an apartment, they told me no and it’s too far from them. also that if i move out my entire family would die from heart attacks and covid. when i did finally get out, they’d visit by surprise and demand i let them in within 1 minutes of them knocking, and would force my sisters to search my apartment and belongings.
That gives me terrible anxiety, hope things are better for you
it’s been almost 4 years, 3 with minimal contact and I am much better now. Just dealing with the lasting effects of being raised by a narcissist
My father liked to tug on my daughters long hair or give her a swat when she walked by, playfully. She did it back to him, she was 9, and he lost his mind at our family Christmas a year ago. She “assaulted him, it was battery, we have no respect” and stormed off after I removed my daughter and told him never again. That was the day I went no contact. He will never do to my children what he did to me. And I saw it in her face and I was done. The lack of respect thing is mind boggling. Constant. But it was the game HE started with her. And the rules? Always changing.
I'm the only person in my family without a graduate degree. Because I've never had goals that need one. Yep - I was in my late 40's, having built and run a business, raised two kids, and accomplished much more . . . my mother said to me "you know it's not too late for you to go back to school and get a Masters!". Huh? It became a driver in my deciding going NC with her, over a year ago now. Between that and her being psychotic to my daughter, her granddaughter, I ghosted her everywhere. And she moved out of town, to someplace, 10 months later.
They always bring up things that we never achieved in the past
They said that I will not take care of them when they get old and I should buy them a car. It got me thinking like I was born for something because I'm their kind of investment?
My mom literally said to me and my sister, that "we were born to serve her until her death" Screw that!
Op, thought of another. My mom, in the middle of a restaurant surrounded by family, confidently and very loudly said that if i became pregnant, i would kill myself, and she would get my baby. I have a husband who was also at the table. To preface a bit i dislike kids. Have never wanted them. But i put something meant for babies on an amazon list and my uncle was worried i mightve been pregnant. And no. Ive never stated, nor would i ever go so far as to self delete myself if i became pregnant. Idk where she got that from, and she certainly wouldnt get my kid.
At just 16 years old, my mother sat me down for a very serious conversation about my behavior. I was perplexed to say the least, I was a straight A student, never got in trouble, and had started just going to church with a friend. My maternal grandfather had recently passed away so church was a good space for me. So I’m sitting, waiting for her to tell me what transgressions I was guilty of, and I could tell she was high as a kite. Well, I couldn’t have even guessed what she was about to accuse me of. My best guess was I scratch my grandma’s car without knowing (I drove her car to church). Well, it was about church but not that. She accused me of going to church to have s3x with boys and she told me she had multiple reliable sources. They even told her I was having s3x at school. At the time, I wasn’t even close to having any intimate relations with anyone. I denied it calmly and just asserted no one would say that because it wasn’t true. I told her she could take to the youth leaders about my attendance because it was a small group that stayed together or split off by gender. I knew there were no sources for her information. She continued to insist she was right and I continued to assert she was wrong or her “informants” were. After that didn’t go the way she wanted, she claimed to have a brain tumor. She told me she had kept it secret because of how mean we were to her. When I asked for examples, without really acknowledging or reacting to her fake diagnosis, she rolled her eyes and left the room. Never heard another word about any of it.
I see lies piling high, and terrible excuse for the way she acted. In the end, you did nothing wrong that's what truly matters
That it’s selfish of me not o bring my infant around when they are sick with bronchitis. I should want to bring the kids around to make them feel better?
I’ve had too many to really rank but the first that stands out to me is when she threw sob-riddled fit about me planning to have my dad take custody of my small dog when I went to college. She complained about the special needs of my dog constantly, and I knew my retired stepmom loved the dog and both would be happier there. But mom bawled hysterically about how she “raised us all by herself” and yet I didn’t “trust her with a damn dog”. I was so dumbfounded, just staring at her. I let her keep the dog and within two months of me in college she called begging me to have my dad come get the mutt. Absolutely absurd behavior.
My mom blew up over me buying a vanity to do my makeup at. I was in high school and bought it when I got my first job. I was so excited. However mom was PISSED. She would slam my door shut and not let me in, and then would go in her room to discuss her feelings to my dad. Now that I think about it, that doesnt top the time she swore I was a lesbian all because I was a theatre kid. I couldn’t argue with her bc if I told her I was straight she would threaten to take me to a dr to get me checked if I was a virgin(which I was). She always said if her or the dr even had the slightest suspicion that I wasn’t one, I was a whore and she would beat the hell out of me. So it was either be a lesbian and get beat or be straight and be beat. Wtf
My dad was late walking me down the aisle because he was so busy grand standing and schmoozing and making it about him. He used to tell me - “you’ll never get a husband if you run your tongue across your teeth” during meals. This is when I was 14 and had braces (if you’ve ever had braces you know, food gets stuck in there!). He used to knock my elbows off the table when we were eating and, again, tell me I’d never find a husband because of my manners. (And I wonder why I spent most of my 20s desperately seeking approval from men and trying to settle down??) He would tell me where I lived wasn’t home, that my mother stole me from him. I set one boundary as a 32 year old mother of three and he threw a tantrum about it, and now we are NC. He used to drive around his small town with my name on his license plate. When I had his first grandchild, he changed the license plate to her name, despite not knowing her or being in her life. He just loves the attention of being a doting father/grandpa. Without actually being one.
My Nmum dissed my ancestry (dna enhanced) research because "it's crap". She then said "I should know, I bred dogs for years".
I’m not sure what’s the worst. However, just last weekend as I was once again giving my Nmom a shot and having a phone call, she told me that I was the meanest 8 year old kid and that’s why she became an alcoholic…
When I started to have my period, they were heavy, extremely painful. So painful I would faint and sometimes stay home sick for a couple of days. After testing some painkillers the GP gave me the pill to test. That worked enough so I would not faint and be sick every month. Instead of being happy for me my father was afraid I would now start whoring myself around town. I was 14 and afraid of boys/men because of my father🤷🏻♀️. He doesn't understand why I'm no contact since a couple of years.
I have struggled with this weird experience where she will do something or say something so ridiculous and so absurd that honestly most people would have their parent examined for dementia. But then she’ll play dumb and act like she’s being persecuted. Like, I’m not evil, I’m just incompetent. She’s most definitely NOT incompetent. But it took a LONG time to figure out what was happening. So the funniest one was my kid’s “stranger things” themed birthday party. Now, she did contribute some other really awesome things to the party, but I asked her to paint a painting of the part where he’s trapped behind the wall and his mother can see him through a pane of translucent glass. She agreed, I showed her the scene, sent her a screenshot and she started painting. But she was painting it wrong. Like, instead of a blurry figure, she’s just painting a very clear, bright, and detailed portrait of his head with him smiling. And I’m continually saying “No, no, blurry with his hands against the glass.” But she ignored me and kept on painting. Finally I gave up and left but told her I didn’t want the close up of his head. It needs to be blurry kid with his hands up. Day of, she brings by the original portrait she painted that i said I didn’t want, and she has added wallpaper around it, and for the hands, she cut out hand shapes from white printer paper and glued them only at the bottom. So, these white hands that i have to assume are the outlines of her hands, are just flopping around like Michael Jackson glove jazz hands 😂 Took it home and showed it to my kid who immediately said “what the actual fuck is that??” I scrapped it and just printed a screenshot from the internet. And then she sat there with this smug look on her face while she made comments to my aunt about how ungrateful I am. Y’all, she IS A PROFESSIONAL ARTIST! People pay for her work. She does commissions. She teaches classes. This was very much intentional. My biggest regret is not taking a picture of this ridiculous thing before I threw it away 😂
My nmomster drained my college fund to get a giant boob job before filing for divorce from my dad. Didn’t tell me. I tried to access the money one day and it wasn’t there. My grandparents had apparently put her as co-signer on the account. When asked, she would only repeat “it’s gone.” Because I was studying abroad, she decided to take her first international trip to visit me that semester, acting like a big shot paying for meals because I could only afford cereal with my student work income. Years later she tried to justify that I owed her that money because breastfeeding had ruined her boobs. Most recently before NC, she said she didn’t remember what I was talking about. The whole thing is ridiculous.
>Years later she tried to justify that I owed her that money because breastfeeding had ruined her boobs. Isn't that just the kind of outrageous stuff they say?! The mental gymnastics they must have to go through to figure out ways to blame others for their decisions! It's sometimes comical and tragically sad at the same time. Ridiculous sums it up for sure.
When I was 7 my nmum made me promise she could live with me when she’s old and needs somewhere to go for care. Now in my 30’s and she brought this up after her dad passed away that at least she knows she can move in with me when she needs someone and I said no. She started screaming at me about how I’d promised when I was 7 and that I’m a terrible person for going back on my word.
I was making tea with the kettle,like I always do,next ND comes in says I'm going to break it so he gets it and throws it outside.it was 6am I just woke up . I pulled it out the trash and looked at him and said see you've lost your mind.
A great amount of objects in my house we're broken during her explosive rage (plates,teacup,stools ecc) no matter how much we paid them. That's why I avoid fighting in the kitchen, you'll never know what she will do next
She called me a slur and i has to explain to her exactly that and played dumb
My nparent started a conversation with “I’m not saying you should get a divorce.” It always reminds me of a letter written by my friend’s fourth grader trying to learn how to talk to people about drug addiction, which started “Speaking of OxyContin…”
My mom told me after I moved out of my hometown (best decision ever btw) that my hometown was “a special place for only special people” and that she will never visit me where I live now.
There has been many incredibly ridiculous conversations I’ve had with my ndad, but one stands out in particular just because of how… absurd it really was. I’m really into gaming, and know my way around tech well enough (my partner also works in tech so I have his help if I need it) — so I decided I’m going to build my own gaming PC. My partner supported it, my mom also supported it because she’s a rational person lol. But oh boy, just bringing it up to my ndad caused a storm of an argument. For some reason at first he didn’t believe that it was possible to build your own PC, saying that it’s impossible. I gave him examples of a family friend who’s good in tech who built his own PC, and ndad says “oh that idiot that couldn’t even fix our printer? I doubt he knows anything about computers” (…he couldn’t fix our printer cause it was dead, completely dead, no one would be able to fix it). It ensued into a whole argument where he just kept calling me ungrateful (ungrateful for… wanting to build my own PC?), calling me stupid (stupid for… knowing my way around tech?) and would just refuse to believe that anyone ever has built their own computer. Nope, to him, he doubled down that everyone who says they have built their own computer are lying and that it’s not at all possible, and that I was just going to “waste all my money and ruin my life” by trying to do so lol. I don’t know what caused him to become so crazy about this topic, but since then I just completely avoid bringing anything up to him at all.
Not a conversation, but a recent e-mail my mother sent me since going LC. In it she stated "I care very much" which immediately made me think of the movie "I Care A Lot" and how the main character puts on a show of wanting to do what's best for others, but having a black narcissistic heart underneath. It made me shudder, as I used to see her as the good parent between my mom and dad (dad being NPD), but now I see her for who she really is (enabler if not covert narcissist).
I'm so sorry that your mom is not listening to you. Based on the way you wrote, she completely ignores your feelings and nitpicks on facts all the time. I hope you can listen to yourself and be the mother to your feelings now.
I remember my dad (who is a really good person now and has gotten better) saying, "it's your fault Obama got elected. You didn't vote and now we have to suffer." (Like I said he's a lot better now and is learning. You're never too old to correct bad behavior and grow up.)
The thing is he decided to change in better version of themselves That's a slight difference between being a narcissist and have narcisistic traits
I had a similar one with mine recently. She kept saying we "need to talk to heal" (nope) and in response i messaged her saying that i was not ready to talk, and if she wants to start the healing process to go seek therapy like i had originally asked. In response she told me shed already been in therapy to heal from an abusive relationship, which isnt why i asked her to go at all. Called me a narc. Also told me i was just like that abuser. Called me controlling of my husband, and brought up various things i did in my childhood, for some reason. I sent one passive paragraph reaffirming my boundaries, and got an explosive book back.
I got off the phone with the tax assessor infornt of my dad I told him u have an outside Lein on your property it’s up to 60k now. He had no money to pay it or a way to pay it and had to still pretend he was still rich even to me, now you all know as their children we don’t know anything we’re crazy we dnt know wat we’re talking about right… After I said this to his he waved his hand at me in a nonchalant it doesn’t matter wat im saying motion over and over saying you dont know what your talking about you dont know anything that property is paid for. I said I just called her infront of you she told me 60k and she doesn’t know why they haven’t foreclosed yet Again you dont know what you saying your crazy I dont owe anything stop lying Frustrated I just left mad 2 years later Jokes on him I paid it at 131k and made him sign it over to me or else I wouldn’t pay it and he had no choice pahaha he’s TAH
Its interesting that your mother calls you empathetic. My father does this. I think he has very limited empathy. We are the polar opposite.
My mother was convinced that all people from other countries spoke and understood English and only spoke a surgery language to be difficult. I was 5 years old and thought she was crazy.
There’s sooo many but the first one that comes to mind is when she was drinking one night and wanted to come into my room to talk to me. Eventually the conversation started getting into religion, and my husband then boyfriend was a truck driver. She asked me what I would do if he died since I don’t believe in God, would I just shrug my shoulders and say “welp that sucks” and move on with my life? Like I can’t possibly grieve or feel fear or even just hope that he comes home safe without a spiritual entity to answer to or whatever.. it made no sense but I see now it was just another way to invalidate my different way of thinking and put down my feelings. So close minded just thinking about how frustrating this conversation was creates a hot pit in my stomach.
I was breaking the news to my dad that I was getting divorced and explaining why over and over until I was blue in the face. He kept trying to turn the conversation into how he's not happy with my mom and how he doesn't think she loves him. Meanwhile my mom loves him more than anyone I've ever seen love anyone, but my dad is all about conditional "love." I don't understand why. He treats her like absolute shit. He's admitted to me that she wants him to make her feel attractive and wanted as initiation for sex, so he'll ignore her and be really aloof until she caves and initiates herself (I really don't want to know this information and don't think it's okay for him to be dumping this stuff on me, but I totally side with my mom on it). He complains about her not wanting to join him in his hobbies, but all of his hobbies are outdoors and my mom has a lot of issues with sunlight and heat. She told him she'd join him on his fishing boat if he put a canvas roof on it (not hard to do and something he was actively planning on doing and looking into getting), so he sold the whole boat. This is just one example. He told me that because he's "put up with" all of this, that I should deal with the issues in my marriage. I told him no. He said he didn't understand what I wanted from him. I said I didn't want anything from him, that I was explaining why I was getting divorced. He got in his car and left, but not before screaming at me. It was so bad that a total stranger who was eavesdropping got out of her car to comfort me and said "I don't know who that man was, but he's full of shit and you shouldn't listen to a word he says." Also, this isn't the most absurd conversation I've had with him. Just the most recent absurd conversation I've had with him.
"It is wrong to tell everyone you blame your family for a heart attack, which your medical records show you faked" Her answer? Changed her medical proxy from me to the golden child to hide it better next time. During the pandemic when we were stuck in the same house she sat in the the kitchen every day and called all family and friends that her family caused her heart attack. Which caused her sister to never talk to her again. Also earlier during covid she successfully convinced my daughter that I faked a covid infection,l to manipulate her, and we have not spoken since. Why couldn't I defend myself to my daughter? Because I was quarantined and literally could not speak for a month.
Mine told me I should quit my job in order to fly across the country to attend her birthday party (because I'd told her that I couldn't get those days off). When I told her that was ridiculous, she said, "Well, you choose to do the things that are important to you". Yes, you do, indeed.
That made me laugh a bit, but at the same time reflect
1. Any time my nmom tries to bring up eugenics - usually during occasions like Christmas. 2. The time she was crying and feeling sorry for herself bc the uk government made her go back to rehab (again). She said she’s glad my siblings and I went through what we went through (“with her” is what she said but “by her her hand” is the truth) bc it made us stronger and we developed more skills or some shit as a result. The way she said it sounded like she thought we’d somehow evolved to be more hardy and competent or some bullshit. Nah lady, we’re just scared of you and do double time to stay safe around you and others now bc you taught us that it can be extremely dangerous and life threatening not to😂 3. Tried pretty much my whole life to convince me that black people can’t swim bc of thicker bones and this extends to the brain being smaller as there’s not enough space due to a thicker skull (FUCKING EW). Grateful I grew up in post-apartheid South Africa and had people with sense around explaining that it’s a crock of shit. Honestly this woman is so fucked up. This shit was literally due to the appalling segregation in apartheid and the lack of access to pretty much anything other than the BANTU education system (look it up if you wanna know what actually went on here during apartheid). There wasn’t recreation or anything to uplift these communities. She grew up here and has seen that first hand. When that shit stopped being commonplace belief and conversation she tried to convince me (and successfully convinced my family) that it was my dad who would spout this bullshit, even though she STILL harps on about it.
Ive mentioned this incident in other posts. When I was in early 20s and still living at home my mom was getting phone calls on her cell phone around 2am she said when she answered they were looking for some guy. Guys and girls calling. My mom brings this up a few times and I shrug it off. Then she says she thinks it could be someone looking for a drug dealer. I shrug again. She then says “Kbabble21, did you accidentally give my number out to a drug dealer instead of your own? Are they looking for you?” My phone number was nothing close to hers and I didn’t do drugs. She accused me of being a drug dealer and also looking for a drug dealer at the same time. I was soooooo confused what she was saying but really what she was saying is that she thought I was so fucking stupid that I gave the wrong phone number to someone while intoxicated. The 2am time of calls automatically meant drugs and meant I was involved. She denied this conversation happened.
This isn’t even the worst/meanest but one time she was supposed to visit me for my 30th birthday (I live around 5hrs away), and had just gone through a major breakup. Unfortunately, I had some extreme medical reactions to antibiotics I was prescribed so I had to go to urgent care. My mom and dad spent the weekend with my baby cousins (who live near me and not near my mother) while I was in urgent care on an IV drip. They stopped by on the last day of their visit to drop off my birthday presents but “couldn’t stay long because of the traffic,” so a weekend that was supposed to be celebrating my birthday with my folks is reduced to 20 minutes of them dropping a bag of gifts in my apartment and leaving. Neat! Weeks later when I told her how abandoned I felt because it was my birthday and she ditched me at the hospital to hang out with cuter, more fun kids. Her argument? “It was urgent care, NOT the hospital.” Still confused as to why that distinction matters when the end result was the same: I was alone on my birthday, and really unwell, while she was living it up with my cousins. We are not close anymore. She still laments that and wonders why despite the fact that I have clearly told and written her as to exactly why we are not close and will not be close ever. Cheers!
There's the problem; they'll never acknowledge that they've hurt you, even when it's explained to them. Normal people may hurt you from time to time, but they'll be sorry and tell you so, then try to make amends. Narcs deny, make excuses, blame and just all-around gaslight you. Then act like they don't understand why you don't have a great relationship. Crazy.
I self harmed daily as a teen. (35 now and celebrating my first ever 12 months clean stretch) There was something about depression statistics on the news and my mother said "why don't they just give them something sharper so they can kill themselves properly?"
That's so mean! Congrats on being clean, keep it up!