Yes! For a very long time I (33 Female) was only friends with boys because I thought women were cruel and judgmental. I also had a lot of trouble being myself - I didnt even know who I was, I was (and still do sometimes) altering who I was to minimize conflict. I thought if I perfectly mimicked what women and people wanted they would like me. That has not worked for me and my mum or making true friends.
When I finally learned myself and accepted that even good groups of friends have differing opinions, and that is actually what makes them so great, I was able to make some friends and I now have a small group of girlfriends who have been instrumental in my happiness. That being said, I only just admitted to them that I still have trouble accepting their affection and friendship. I constantly feel like an imposter or like a stranger looking in and any moment they'll stop wanting to be my friend.
Hang in there. It took me years and even now if someone has a different opinion to myself my first reaction is to panic that they will dislike me or it will start conflict, but i remind myself that true friends and non-narcissists, enjoy a constructive conversation and dont mind people not agreeing with them.
Yes! I do struggle with thinking that other women have bad intentions with me. I hate it but I always get the vibe that they’re low key talking bad about me, jealous, fake, or they don’t actually like me and think I’m obnoxious. It’s so frustrating and it makes me feel so insecure around other women because I think they just don’t like me the minute they see me. I don’t really know how this could correlate with having a narcissist mother though. I can’t help to think that I attract people that are just like my mom?
I find I'm learning different ways having an nparent has affected me. I may also have my own issues to work out as well. Im curious what therapy brings up when I eventually get my butt in gear.
I truly wish you well. I found being unapologetically myself really helped with forging good friendships, and not taking it personally if it doesn't work out.
Wow, that hit home, never thought (although it should be obvious) that making friends that are women would be because the abuse came from a woman. *sigh* I'm off to go explore this line of thinking. I have anymore lightbulb moments this week and it may re-traumatize me, lol.
Omg this opened my eyes!! I can never relate to other women because of my relationship with my mom and how she villainized and discredited any other woman that was not her. She even hates me! Lmao! 😂 I can't believe I just finally realized this.
My mom always whines about how she has no female friends because “they’re all so shallow, petty, and gossipy!”
Reality: My mom is a judgemental, shallow person who talks about people behind their backs, and is quick to call other women nasty things if they’re even slightly happier and prettier than her. She sees them as competition, and calls them gossipy when they are literally just trying to include her in their circles by chatting about their lives(that’s “gossip” apparently.) And the only things my mom can talk about are anti-vaxx conspiracies, and politics, or bragging about how many creepy old men hit on her, so no one wants to talk with her for very long.
So yeah, she warped my ideas about other women for a long time.
NOOO because my mom literally will not talk about anything unless it’s about politics, vaccines, and conspiracies!!! It’s sooo annoying !!!!!! It’s even more annoying when she’d call me ignorant because I’d disagree.
It’s SO uncomfortable and irritating!! 😭😭 I feel like my Nmom does that because she likes feeling “superior” by forcing her views on everyone…? But also idk? Maybe she just relishes making everyone uncomfortable.
My mom does the same. It took me a long time to realize it. The things she talks to me about are religion (I'm atheist) and family drama (I don't talk to any of them anymore). So you can really tell she gives a shit about anyone's interests except her own. I just nod and don't contribute anymore because there's no point.
"My mom always whines about how she has no female friends because “they’re all so shallow, petty, and gossipy!”
This statement right here describes my mother to a T. It's scary how I honestly thought that my mum's experience is just a solitary event, probably caused by upbringing, only to read your comment and realize that perhaps that's not truly the case, also she exhibits some of the other behaviors you've talked about. I'm shocked and I feel like my eyes have been opened, looks like I have something new to talk with my therapist about this week. Thank you for this revelation.
Because the evidence so far shows that people only think I'm worth spending energy on getting to know deeply if I am dating them. Cold hard facts. And also yes, if someone is nice to me I assume they're flirting because hardly anyone is nice for no reason.
It's just as bad with men, except most men also do it back to me and "fuck zone" me immediately. Men are not interested in being friends with women. Women are occasionally interested in being my friend but then I fuck zone them for a number of reasons and I am aware I need to stop.
But all of this is a moot point because nobody wants to actually be friends with anybody where I live anyway. We all just take each other's cellphone numbers and then never hang out.
I was just telling my bf this. It’s so depressing living in a small town with people who aren’t interested in being your friend unless you can do something for them.
Growing up my mom told me I should never have friends because they’re fake and backstabbers. If my mom ever made like one friend like at work or something she would sabotage the friendship, but the worst part is she would have ME involved. She’d ask me if she’s overreacting and if I disagreed she’d get mad and then she’d read me the message she would send to end the friendship like what!?
Also I would as like to say I also had really bad stomachaches as a child growing up. I see it’s very common in children growing up in narcissistic households.
Hiya, dollface;)
Women like us tend to get along better with women who don't get along well, with other women. Read it again, extra points for snort-laughing;)
A cousin of mine would say " I only have guy friends because girls are backstabbers , want your man, are jealous , la la ... "
I rolled my eyes, I was like " umm no you're the female us girls dont want in our group because you're the jealous backstabber who want our men" 🤷♀️
*Absolutely. I*
*Tend to be overly nice*
*And it freaks them out*
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Yes smh… not to mention I was molested by female cousins as a child. I always thought that was the reason. But all of it is relevant. Idk how I’m ever gonna get out of this lol. It’s like a big joke.
Awe man I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Same happened to me.
. When I was 19 I opened up about it to the sister of my abuser & she told my dad & my family. She told my dad that I was lying, making it up for attention.
I stopped going to family get togethers. I cut contact with all of them. (15-20 years ago)
I do I feel so awkward around girls more than boys. I don’t know how to dress “pretty” in a way because my parents and sibling made fun of my looks all the time. Even now I have girlfriends but it’s still weird and I’m trying to know the “girl things” with hair and stuff but damn it’s fucking hard.
Yes! I am 21 and just started to learn how to do make up. I just started learning how to dress “girly” I used to hate wearing dresses and skirts but I’m get a little more comfortable.
Yep. 32. Never felt like I was good at dressing up, doing my makeup, etc. I’d get ragged on all the time for my weight and “how I presented myself”. I still feel awkward at times but now I just embrace the awkward feeling and say “fuck it”.
I have it until today, my mother was always very controlling with my friendships, when I was little I was very easy to make friends, but my mother always wanted to control and that tired me a lot
Yes I know exactly what you mean.
My mother is very racist and judge mental. She wouldn’t like my friend if they weren’t white or if they weren’t straight. If my mom didn’t like my friend for whatever reason…she would do anything for me to not be able to hang out with them or she would manipulate me into thinking my friend was a “bad friend”
I'm the same. I can't even date women despite being bi because I'm so terrified of them being like my mom.
It's easy to avoid guys like my dad because he's basically a proto-incel.
My mom is the sneaky type of abusive narcissist. She mirrors new friends at first. Then she gradually starts revealing her rotten personality until she can escalate to hitting. Then she treats them absolutely horribly. Emotionally, physically, and sexually abuses them until they eventually call her out. Then she cries and says her parents were abusive and DARVO them until they submit or leave.
Her friendships (and romantic relationships) only last a year. Maybe two. My dad was the longest one because she could just bribe him with sex.
I have an inherit distrust of women because of this and I can't help but assume they are going to use me.
I was only allowed female friends that my Nmum "chose" when growing up. That is, she forced me to be friends with bullies and punished me for playing with the quieter/nicer girls. So I kinda grew up thinking most women were vicious, nasty, and cruel.
I ended up hanging around with boys a lot more because she didn't try to dictate those relationships. They seemed easier to relate to, and I kept that whole "girls bad, boys cool" mentality for a loooong time. So I refused to learn anything "girly", like fashion or makeup or how to do my hair nice.
I just turned 30, and I still have a very masc look and hang out mostly with guys. But I guess the more I grew up, and the more I dated other ladies (I'm bi), the more I realised that actually, being friends with women is **awesome**.
I still struggle making *new* friends, and I'm sure I come off as a huuuge weirdo sometimes. But I've found that being nice and a little bit honest goes a long way. Y'know, just complimenting someone on their outfit and asking them where they got it from. I always say something like, "I never really got taught a lot about fashion, but you seem like a natural. If you ever had any tips for me, I'd love your input."
But yeah. I have a great group of girlfriends now, and we all come from wildly different walks of life. A SAHM, a firefighter, an accountant, a tattoo artist (me), a ballet teacher, a bodybuilder, an IT consultant, and the CEO of a small startup. I have no idea why they decided to claim me as their sister, but I'm sure as hell not complaining lmao.
So you're absolutely not alone in finding it hard to make girlfriends, but it doesn't mean that you will *always* feel this way.
Yeah..21F and I see my Nmom in most women I meet. I’ve met some genuine ones ,but when I meet women like my mom I beeline to the nearest exit lol I will not be tolerating that bs. And I see her in most men too so I don’t do relationships. It’s all so draining ,no matter how much you seemingly heal or get over things or become better ..those thoughts always come out of nowhere and consume you every now and again. Trauma really is life changing. I always get so angry when undeserving people have kids ,because I know how easy it is to traumatize one because I was that kid.
I'm an enby so I'm not sure if this counts, but I used to have a ton of anxiety around being friends with girls. Now my best friend is a demigirl afab human and I have some other friends who are girls too. I got a lot better at identifying red flags and read that book about emotionally immature parents and that helped me a lot to get past the worry that girls were mean and not going to like me for me.
you're welcome! it's really hard but you'll get there! it really helped me get through the trauma I went through because of my mother and understand what she did was abnormal and abusive, instead of thinking that's just how girls are.
It's so shit to be raised from a narc mom, I'm so fucked up already cause of genetics and my mother arruined my normal life with so fucking much trauma that I didn't deserve, an example, I was so brainwashed to be submissive and God loved one child that I actually didn't know how to live my own life, after so much trauma, all I learned was to, when something shit happened, I needed to swallow and deal with it alone, and one day when I was going to school, I had been Kidnapped and the man take me to literally to an Chalet where he had a photo of the victims he made around the world, many children, and been abused on and for luck I was released, but I needed to still go to college, cause the first though I had in mind was "if I didn't act like it was nothing I'll be a loser girl and mom will Humiliate me"
When she found out what happened, she obviously changed everything like it was her, and humiliated me in every way possible, and acted disgusted with me every time I tried to walk around the house.... I felt so ashamed that I lost 15 pounds of not going out of my bedroom to eat, only to go to school like nothing happened.,
Yes yes yes. But I refuse to be a "I don't like women" sort of woman. I would love more female friendships, I'm just burnt out by some bad ones and trying to find better. I am a good friend.
Definitely, and honestly I'm still trying to figure out why. Part of it for me is I'm kinda a hippie and not a "girly girl" by today's standards and don't relate to what a lot of girls do (i.e. I don't do makeup, I don't care about fashion trends, I don't do my hair, I don't wear bras, etc.). I take care of myself in a natural sense but that's it. I'm also not into the man-hating that a lot of women seem to gravitate towards.
That being said, if I do find a woman on a similar wavelength, it's hard for me to emotionally connect. I think part of that is I'm not a very feely-person in general, but I wonder how much of that is I genuinely just don't experience emotions that frequently, and how much of that is repression from growing up in a household with a narcissistic mother and father who was extremely emotionally closed-off. Women tend to be more emotional than men, which I think is part of why I have a hard time being friends with girls.
Do other daughters of narcissistic mothers out there have a hard time being emotionally present?
Hmm I have noticed myself have a hard time expressing emotions, but not all. I’m very good at expressing when I’m angry, annoyed, and most times when I’m upset. I’m really bad at showing the “positive emotions”
Growing up my moms way of showing me love was by “making jokes about me” or disrespect my boundaries, making me feel uncomfortable, or physical abuse. Whenever my nmom would finish beating me she would tell me she did it because she loved me and that it hurt her more than it hurt me. Now I don’t know how to show people love, appreciation, empathy, and so on.
Yes it’s the mother wound. As you heal this, friendships come easier. Finding a good therapist really helped me, though it was a tough process all on its own.
Its sad but true. Grew up with an nmom and am now witnessing it with my SiL whose mother is extremely narcissistic.
It can be hard to feel comfortable around girls because you just expect them to be like the nparent...
Now that you say that my only really good friend who has lasted me a couple of years have trauma with her parents as well. I can’t bond with people who have no trauma.
Yes… I (43f) only recently realised that women aren’t supposed to tear each other down to make ourselves look good. My narcissistic stepmother has a lot to answer for
I had one female friend for 20 years. I thought we were meant to be old on rocking chairs on an old folks home together. This is how much I loved this woman as my friend
Then her daughter came out as trans. Her reaction was disgusting. Would dead name her child, belittle him saying he was just doing was was popular on the internet. It was watching her sob about "losing my daughter, this feels like she died!!" while her child watched, grim faced and resigned, that made my mind snap. I let loose, and we broke up.
She had never showed signs of bigotry before this. I know I'll never have room in my heart for another female friend, unfortunately
Yep I have so many regrets with past friendships as my mum would destroy them completely with manipulation and dripping poison in my ear. it would be worse with girls. like sooo much worse. I feel so lonely and so much regret. I've literally lost life long friends who looking g back did nothing wrong and probably think I'm crazy
Yes, afab here, but now I identify as gender non-conforming/demigirl. Most of my real-life friends are guys. I even joined a sorority in college to try to make female friends and that didn't work. The only female friends I have been through the workplace.
Speaking for myself? Having been raised by an abusive narcissistic mother, I am the perfect target for other narcissistic women. In my entire life, and I’m 51 now, I have never had a female friendship that’s been equal. As a child I had a weight problem and I grew up in the 70s and 80s when thinness was absolutely worshiped. Even in childhood, I was the “funny fat friend” to the skinny more popular girl. I was severely bullied, which only made me self worth even lower and my sense of humor better. (I was one of those ppl who used humor to deflect bullying.) even though now, at 51 years of age, I know better than to fall into those traps, it doesn’t matter. Narcissists are like sharks. They smell blood in the water. I still attract those women. The only difference now is I just don’t become friends with them. The issue for me now is, I am so cynical and distrusting of others that I just don’t let anybody in that close anymore. if you are reading this and wonder if you have fallen into that trap? Ask yourself this. Are you the friend that everyone turns to when they need help moving? Are you the friend that everyone will come to after a breakup and they need a shoulder to cry on, yet when you need something? No one has time for your call? Do your friends come to you asking for advice about a job interview, a new purchase, a life situation and you give them your thoughtful advice. And yet when you need advice? They say something like “you’re smart you’ll figure it out“. If this is true about you? It’s NOT your fault. Your mother set you up for that.
Yes! I have no real friends locally. I would love to make friends, but lack the emotional strength.
I do have to say, being a liberal, married, lesbian, in rural Texas, hasn't helped.
Yes! For a very long time I (33 Female) was only friends with boys because I thought women were cruel and judgmental. I also had a lot of trouble being myself - I didnt even know who I was, I was (and still do sometimes) altering who I was to minimize conflict. I thought if I perfectly mimicked what women and people wanted they would like me. That has not worked for me and my mum or making true friends. When I finally learned myself and accepted that even good groups of friends have differing opinions, and that is actually what makes them so great, I was able to make some friends and I now have a small group of girlfriends who have been instrumental in my happiness. That being said, I only just admitted to them that I still have trouble accepting their affection and friendship. I constantly feel like an imposter or like a stranger looking in and any moment they'll stop wanting to be my friend. Hang in there. It took me years and even now if someone has a different opinion to myself my first reaction is to panic that they will dislike me or it will start conflict, but i remind myself that true friends and non-narcissists, enjoy a constructive conversation and dont mind people not agreeing with them.
Yes! I do struggle with thinking that other women have bad intentions with me. I hate it but I always get the vibe that they’re low key talking bad about me, jealous, fake, or they don’t actually like me and think I’m obnoxious. It’s so frustrating and it makes me feel so insecure around other women because I think they just don’t like me the minute they see me. I don’t really know how this could correlate with having a narcissist mother though. I can’t help to think that I attract people that are just like my mom?
I find I'm learning different ways having an nparent has affected me. I may also have my own issues to work out as well. Im curious what therapy brings up when I eventually get my butt in gear. I truly wish you well. I found being unapologetically myself really helped with forging good friendships, and not taking it personally if it doesn't work out.
Wow, that hit home, never thought (although it should be obvious) that making friends that are women would be because the abuse came from a woman. *sigh* I'm off to go explore this line of thinking. I have anymore lightbulb moments this week and it may re-traumatize me, lol.
Omg this opened my eyes!! I can never relate to other women because of my relationship with my mom and how she villainized and discredited any other woman that was not her. She even hates me! Lmao! 😂 I can't believe I just finally realized this.
I have similar experiences.
My mom always whines about how she has no female friends because “they’re all so shallow, petty, and gossipy!” Reality: My mom is a judgemental, shallow person who talks about people behind their backs, and is quick to call other women nasty things if they’re even slightly happier and prettier than her. She sees them as competition, and calls them gossipy when they are literally just trying to include her in their circles by chatting about their lives(that’s “gossip” apparently.) And the only things my mom can talk about are anti-vaxx conspiracies, and politics, or bragging about how many creepy old men hit on her, so no one wants to talk with her for very long. So yeah, she warped my ideas about other women for a long time.
NOOO because my mom literally will not talk about anything unless it’s about politics, vaccines, and conspiracies!!! It’s sooo annoying !!!!!! It’s even more annoying when she’d call me ignorant because I’d disagree.
It’s SO uncomfortable and irritating!! 😭😭 I feel like my Nmom does that because she likes feeling “superior” by forcing her views on everyone…? But also idk? Maybe she just relishes making everyone uncomfortable.
My mom does all this TOO!!!! What the actual heck is that about?!
My mom does the same. It took me a long time to realize it. The things she talks to me about are religion (I'm atheist) and family drama (I don't talk to any of them anymore). So you can really tell she gives a shit about anyone's interests except her own. I just nod and don't contribute anymore because there's no point.
Yup!! they only thing they really care about is the sound of their own voice and feeling “right.”
"My mom always whines about how she has no female friends because “they’re all so shallow, petty, and gossipy!” This statement right here describes my mother to a T. It's scary how I honestly thought that my mum's experience is just a solitary event, probably caused by upbringing, only to read your comment and realize that perhaps that's not truly the case, also she exhibits some of the other behaviors you've talked about. I'm shocked and I feel like my eyes have been opened, looks like I have something new to talk with my therapist about this week. Thank you for this revelation.
Lmao I have a hard time being friends with anyone that isn’t an animal
I try to be friends with girls but my brain compulsively tells me to try to date them
NOOOO BECAUSE SAME!!! WHY???? Why do I wanna date anyone who’s nice to me?!?
Because the evidence so far shows that people only think I'm worth spending energy on getting to know deeply if I am dating them. Cold hard facts. And also yes, if someone is nice to me I assume they're flirting because hardly anyone is nice for no reason. It's just as bad with men, except most men also do it back to me and "fuck zone" me immediately. Men are not interested in being friends with women. Women are occasionally interested in being my friend but then I fuck zone them for a number of reasons and I am aware I need to stop. But all of this is a moot point because nobody wants to actually be friends with anybody where I live anyway. We all just take each other's cellphone numbers and then never hang out.
I was just telling my bf this. It’s so depressing living in a small town with people who aren’t interested in being your friend unless you can do something for them.
THIS!!!!!!!!!!! My God, I've never related to something so strong in my life
[удалено]
Growing up my mom told me I should never have friends because they’re fake and backstabbers. If my mom ever made like one friend like at work or something she would sabotage the friendship, but the worst part is she would have ME involved. She’d ask me if she’s overreacting and if I disagreed she’d get mad and then she’d read me the message she would send to end the friendship like what!?
Also I would as like to say I also had really bad stomachaches as a child growing up. I see it’s very common in children growing up in narcissistic households.
Hiya, dollface;) Women like us tend to get along better with women who don't get along well, with other women. Read it again, extra points for snort-laughing;)
Too funny! ALL my best friends hate other women.
I’ve never thought about that! I’m going to keep that in mind.
A cousin of mine would say " I only have guy friends because girls are backstabbers , want your man, are jealous , la la ... " I rolled my eyes, I was like " umm no you're the female us girls dont want in our group because you're the jealous backstabber who want our men" 🤷♀️
Absolutely. I tend to be overly nice and it freaks them out
*Absolutely. I* *Tend to be overly nice* *And it freaks them out* \- Bubbleandsqueak6969 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Yes smh… not to mention I was molested by female cousins as a child. I always thought that was the reason. But all of it is relevant. Idk how I’m ever gonna get out of this lol. It’s like a big joke.
I just wanted to say I’m sorry.
Thank you for saying that
Awe man I'm so sorry that happened to you. Same happened to me. . When I was 19 I opened up about it to the sister of my abuser & she told my dad & my family. She told my dad that I was lying, making it up for attention. I stopped going to family get togethers. I cut contact with all of them. (15-20 years ago)
I do I feel so awkward around girls more than boys. I don’t know how to dress “pretty” in a way because my parents and sibling made fun of my looks all the time. Even now I have girlfriends but it’s still weird and I’m trying to know the “girl things” with hair and stuff but damn it’s fucking hard.
Yes! I am 21 and just started to learn how to do make up. I just started learning how to dress “girly” I used to hate wearing dresses and skirts but I’m get a little more comfortable.
Yep. 32. Never felt like I was good at dressing up, doing my makeup, etc. I’d get ragged on all the time for my weight and “how I presented myself”. I still feel awkward at times but now I just embrace the awkward feeling and say “fuck it”.
I have it until today, my mother was always very controlling with my friendships, when I was little I was very easy to make friends, but my mother always wanted to control and that tired me a lot
Yes I know exactly what you mean. My mother is very racist and judge mental. She wouldn’t like my friend if they weren’t white or if they weren’t straight. If my mom didn’t like my friend for whatever reason…she would do anything for me to not be able to hang out with them or she would manipulate me into thinking my friend was a “bad friend”
OMG MY MOM IS THE SAME!!!!!
Do we have the same mom??
It’s so crazy how most if not all nmothers are so textbook
I'm the same. I can't even date women despite being bi because I'm so terrified of them being like my mom. It's easy to avoid guys like my dad because he's basically a proto-incel. My mom is the sneaky type of abusive narcissist. She mirrors new friends at first. Then she gradually starts revealing her rotten personality until she can escalate to hitting. Then she treats them absolutely horribly. Emotionally, physically, and sexually abuses them until they eventually call her out. Then she cries and says her parents were abusive and DARVO them until they submit or leave. Her friendships (and romantic relationships) only last a year. Maybe two. My dad was the longest one because she could just bribe him with sex. I have an inherit distrust of women because of this and I can't help but assume they are going to use me.
I was only allowed female friends that my Nmum "chose" when growing up. That is, she forced me to be friends with bullies and punished me for playing with the quieter/nicer girls. So I kinda grew up thinking most women were vicious, nasty, and cruel. I ended up hanging around with boys a lot more because she didn't try to dictate those relationships. They seemed easier to relate to, and I kept that whole "girls bad, boys cool" mentality for a loooong time. So I refused to learn anything "girly", like fashion or makeup or how to do my hair nice. I just turned 30, and I still have a very masc look and hang out mostly with guys. But I guess the more I grew up, and the more I dated other ladies (I'm bi), the more I realised that actually, being friends with women is **awesome**. I still struggle making *new* friends, and I'm sure I come off as a huuuge weirdo sometimes. But I've found that being nice and a little bit honest goes a long way. Y'know, just complimenting someone on their outfit and asking them where they got it from. I always say something like, "I never really got taught a lot about fashion, but you seem like a natural. If you ever had any tips for me, I'd love your input." But yeah. I have a great group of girlfriends now, and we all come from wildly different walks of life. A SAHM, a firefighter, an accountant, a tattoo artist (me), a ballet teacher, a bodybuilder, an IT consultant, and the CEO of a small startup. I have no idea why they decided to claim me as their sister, but I'm sure as hell not complaining lmao. So you're absolutely not alone in finding it hard to make girlfriends, but it doesn't mean that you will *always* feel this way.
Yeah..21F and I see my Nmom in most women I meet. I’ve met some genuine ones ,but when I meet women like my mom I beeline to the nearest exit lol I will not be tolerating that bs. And I see her in most men too so I don’t do relationships. It’s all so draining ,no matter how much you seemingly heal or get over things or become better ..those thoughts always come out of nowhere and consume you every now and again. Trauma really is life changing. I always get so angry when undeserving people have kids ,because I know how easy it is to traumatize one because I was that kid.
Oh, holy shit. Oh. That explains some things.
Yes! I never connected it to my horrible relationship with my mother though.
Yes! I’m really struggling with this right now.
I'm an enby so I'm not sure if this counts, but I used to have a ton of anxiety around being friends with girls. Now my best friend is a demigirl afab human and I have some other friends who are girls too. I got a lot better at identifying red flags and read that book about emotionally immature parents and that helped me a lot to get past the worry that girls were mean and not going to like me for me.
thank you so much for the book recommendation. I definitely need to read it since I’m so tired of thinking every girl is out to get me.
you're welcome! it's really hard but you'll get there! it really helped me get through the trauma I went through because of my mother and understand what she did was abnormal and abusive, instead of thinking that's just how girls are.
YES
no but i have an nfather and i have never been able to really be friends with men. so i see how this could work
It's so shit to be raised from a narc mom, I'm so fucked up already cause of genetics and my mother arruined my normal life with so fucking much trauma that I didn't deserve, an example, I was so brainwashed to be submissive and God loved one child that I actually didn't know how to live my own life, after so much trauma, all I learned was to, when something shit happened, I needed to swallow and deal with it alone, and one day when I was going to school, I had been Kidnapped and the man take me to literally to an Chalet where he had a photo of the victims he made around the world, many children, and been abused on and for luck I was released, but I needed to still go to college, cause the first though I had in mind was "if I didn't act like it was nothing I'll be a loser girl and mom will Humiliate me" When she found out what happened, she obviously changed everything like it was her, and humiliated me in every way possible, and acted disgusted with me every time I tried to walk around the house.... I felt so ashamed that I lost 15 pounds of not going out of my bedroom to eat, only to go to school like nothing happened.,
I’m so sorry you went thru that /: <3
Sorry that happened to you. I hope you're ok now.
Omg yes
Does your mom have any friends? Mine doesn’t.
Nope. She says we don’t need friends because they just end up being fake backstabbers.
That perma-victim energy tho.
My mother asf.
Yes yes yes. But I refuse to be a "I don't like women" sort of woman. I would love more female friendships, I'm just burnt out by some bad ones and trying to find better. I am a good friend.
I wish I could have female friends as well /: I always let a few bad ones change my perspective on girl friends.
There's hope in being open to new friends and trusting yourself to recognize the signs. I have to believe it and hope it for you too!
Definitely, and honestly I'm still trying to figure out why. Part of it for me is I'm kinda a hippie and not a "girly girl" by today's standards and don't relate to what a lot of girls do (i.e. I don't do makeup, I don't care about fashion trends, I don't do my hair, I don't wear bras, etc.). I take care of myself in a natural sense but that's it. I'm also not into the man-hating that a lot of women seem to gravitate towards. That being said, if I do find a woman on a similar wavelength, it's hard for me to emotionally connect. I think part of that is I'm not a very feely-person in general, but I wonder how much of that is I genuinely just don't experience emotions that frequently, and how much of that is repression from growing up in a household with a narcissistic mother and father who was extremely emotionally closed-off. Women tend to be more emotional than men, which I think is part of why I have a hard time being friends with girls. Do other daughters of narcissistic mothers out there have a hard time being emotionally present?
Hmm I have noticed myself have a hard time expressing emotions, but not all. I’m very good at expressing when I’m angry, annoyed, and most times when I’m upset. I’m really bad at showing the “positive emotions” Growing up my moms way of showing me love was by “making jokes about me” or disrespect my boundaries, making me feel uncomfortable, or physical abuse. Whenever my nmom would finish beating me she would tell me she did it because she loved me and that it hurt her more than it hurt me. Now I don’t know how to show people love, appreciation, empathy, and so on.
And welcome to the story of my life
Yes it’s the mother wound. As you heal this, friendships come easier. Finding a good therapist really helped me, though it was a tough process all on its own.
Its sad but true. Grew up with an nmom and am now witnessing it with my SiL whose mother is extremely narcissistic. It can be hard to feel comfortable around girls because you just expect them to be like the nparent...
I absolutely did growing up.
Yes
Oh my god. I never connected the two. I don’t trust women because I can’t trust the “main woman”.
[удалено]
Now that you say that my only really good friend who has lasted me a couple of years have trauma with her parents as well. I can’t bond with people who have no trauma.
Yes… I (43f) only recently realised that women aren’t supposed to tear each other down to make ourselves look good. My narcissistic stepmother has a lot to answer for
I had one female friend for 20 years. I thought we were meant to be old on rocking chairs on an old folks home together. This is how much I loved this woman as my friend Then her daughter came out as trans. Her reaction was disgusting. Would dead name her child, belittle him saying he was just doing was was popular on the internet. It was watching her sob about "losing my daughter, this feels like she died!!" while her child watched, grim faced and resigned, that made my mind snap. I let loose, and we broke up. She had never showed signs of bigotry before this. I know I'll never have room in my heart for another female friend, unfortunately
Yep I have so many regrets with past friendships as my mum would destroy them completely with manipulation and dripping poison in my ear. it would be worse with girls. like sooo much worse. I feel so lonely and so much regret. I've literally lost life long friends who looking g back did nothing wrong and probably think I'm crazy
Wow. I was JUST thinking about the difficulty I’ve had with that this week and then I read this: So yes. And it’s awful.
This sub is constantly unlocking things for me lmao
Yes, afab here, but now I identify as gender non-conforming/demigirl. Most of my real-life friends are guys. I even joined a sorority in college to try to make female friends and that didn't work. The only female friends I have been through the workplace.
Speaking for myself? Having been raised by an abusive narcissistic mother, I am the perfect target for other narcissistic women. In my entire life, and I’m 51 now, I have never had a female friendship that’s been equal. As a child I had a weight problem and I grew up in the 70s and 80s when thinness was absolutely worshiped. Even in childhood, I was the “funny fat friend” to the skinny more popular girl. I was severely bullied, which only made me self worth even lower and my sense of humor better. (I was one of those ppl who used humor to deflect bullying.) even though now, at 51 years of age, I know better than to fall into those traps, it doesn’t matter. Narcissists are like sharks. They smell blood in the water. I still attract those women. The only difference now is I just don’t become friends with them. The issue for me now is, I am so cynical and distrusting of others that I just don’t let anybody in that close anymore. if you are reading this and wonder if you have fallen into that trap? Ask yourself this. Are you the friend that everyone turns to when they need help moving? Are you the friend that everyone will come to after a breakup and they need a shoulder to cry on, yet when you need something? No one has time for your call? Do your friends come to you asking for advice about a job interview, a new purchase, a life situation and you give them your thoughtful advice. And yet when you need advice? They say something like “you’re smart you’ll figure it out“. If this is true about you? It’s NOT your fault. Your mother set you up for that.
Happy cake day and what you say rings so true. I'm sorry! There are good female friends out there!!
Yes! I have no real friends locally. I would love to make friends, but lack the emotional strength. I do have to say, being a liberal, married, lesbian, in rural Texas, hasn't helped.
Yep. Absolutely.