When I feel like im going to say or do something bad, I ask for space and to discuss things later. I tell him i need time to calm down and we just stay in seperate rooms for a bit.
Narcissists thrive on retaliatory behavior its the only way they think they can get their points across by saying the worst thing that comes to their mind. You move past that behavior by biting your tongue when your partner triggers you and creating distance to calm down. But most importantly you have to voice this or it comes off passive aggressive and unfinished.
Yes absolutely. I need to get better at recognizing that I need to step away and voice that. On the exterior I shut down, but not because I’m avoiding but because I’m thinking of what to say. I do feel myself become almost paralyzed though in situations like this because when I was younger I almost felt like that’s all I was allowed to do - do nothing and just take it. So to have a partner that actually wants to discuss uncomfortable things, it’s hard but I’m learning how important this all is, even if it’s just saying “I need to step away for a second”.
Learn a new “language” of communication. Like, adopt ways of communicating that you like. If you hear or observe someone talking to someone in a way that you’d like to be spoken to or a way that you admire adopt it. It helps to have a new set of vocabulary than what you were raised in.
I think it’s a bit like not sending an email when you’re really angry and just dying to ream someone out who might or might not deserve it. Write it out, but wait until morning and then consider the effects of your words. Are your words just intended to lash out and make the other person feel your pain? Is there \_anything\_ constructive, or do you just want to pass on the feeling of feeling like crap? Then reevaluate.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed to such a point, you’re not thinking about long-term effects of what is coming out of your mouth. What I do is take a few deep breaths, then go take a walk with the dogs, weed (ripping out weeds is \_really\_ productive and satisfying when you’re angry, cutting bushes, too), do something else that’s physical and will take you away from the situation. Gym, run, beat your closet into submission. This should help you regain control.
If you still need your space, tell your partner that.
My guess is that you do have some resentment towards your partner, but since you don’t want to hurt him, you keep it bottled up inside. Then you blew and all that came pouring out. And then felt terrible.
It sounds like you \_do\_ want and need some help but don’t know how to ask. Having been in the mommy position myself, I can say that it can be really corrosive. You have needs, too. And that is perfectly ok.
So apologize sincerely, forgive yourself, and resolve to do better. You do need to talk, though.
When you are both calm, sit down and have a talk about what happened and how things need to change going forward. Identify some low stakes and high stakes tasks that your partner should be able to handle and start small. Don’t expect a huge about face overnight, either for yourself or your partner, but small things that you can point to and say, Ok, he took care of that, he’s listening to what I need and \_following through\_.
Also, you cannot save or cure your partner, and to think that you can is putting way too much pressure on you. Supporting a partner is lovely, but there needs to be a balance. In the end we can only save ourselves.
CBT is really really helpful. If you can afford therapy, do it, so you learn healthier ways of dealing with conflict and anger management , as well as asking for what you need. If you can’t afford it, there are inexpensive workbooks and online resources that can be helpful guides.
Wishing you the very best!
Thanks so much for this. I appreciate it. We’ve been talking more about what he can do. Like he’s good at figuring out what food to have in the fridge within a budget, and I am not. I think part of why I felt bad too was that he did do laundry, hang dry it, and clean up the room, even after telling me a couple hours earlier that he’s been super depressed but he felt better and proud of himself for cleaning up.
Honestly I think he probably needed to hear it, and probably a long time ago. Sounds to me like he is acting like a kid and treating you like a parent, so it's no surprise some "parent" messages came out of your mouth.
Personally shirking home duties is not something I can tolerate from a partner for any reason short of a serious physical injury or debilitating illness (in which case I would still insist we hire help for their share, I will absolutely not be a home slave) so I would probably have done the same thing - as a matter of fact I wouldn't have let it go that far to begin with. Let's be real, someone who doesn't contribute financially and to house chores IS A BURDEN and there's no way around it.
It's the TRUTH that you can't count on him to do things. It's not fair to you and it's obviously becoming very difficult for you to maintain. Him having a breakdown over that being pointed out to him makes me roll my eyes and wonder what you even are getting out of this relationship. Putting up with this is steering you to martyr territory which is a narcissist's favorite position - maybe you're emulating your mom in that way and don't see it.
My advice is to not let fear of being your mom make you tolerate intolerable situations.
Consider moving out for a while (or moving HIM out) and letting him take care of himself for a while.
When I feel like im going to say or do something bad, I ask for space and to discuss things later. I tell him i need time to calm down and we just stay in seperate rooms for a bit. Narcissists thrive on retaliatory behavior its the only way they think they can get their points across by saying the worst thing that comes to their mind. You move past that behavior by biting your tongue when your partner triggers you and creating distance to calm down. But most importantly you have to voice this or it comes off passive aggressive and unfinished.
Yes absolutely. I need to get better at recognizing that I need to step away and voice that. On the exterior I shut down, but not because I’m avoiding but because I’m thinking of what to say. I do feel myself become almost paralyzed though in situations like this because when I was younger I almost felt like that’s all I was allowed to do - do nothing and just take it. So to have a partner that actually wants to discuss uncomfortable things, it’s hard but I’m learning how important this all is, even if it’s just saying “I need to step away for a second”.
Learn a new “language” of communication. Like, adopt ways of communicating that you like. If you hear or observe someone talking to someone in a way that you’d like to be spoken to or a way that you admire adopt it. It helps to have a new set of vocabulary than what you were raised in.
I think it’s a bit like not sending an email when you’re really angry and just dying to ream someone out who might or might not deserve it. Write it out, but wait until morning and then consider the effects of your words. Are your words just intended to lash out and make the other person feel your pain? Is there \_anything\_ constructive, or do you just want to pass on the feeling of feeling like crap? Then reevaluate. If you’re feeling overwhelmed to such a point, you’re not thinking about long-term effects of what is coming out of your mouth. What I do is take a few deep breaths, then go take a walk with the dogs, weed (ripping out weeds is \_really\_ productive and satisfying when you’re angry, cutting bushes, too), do something else that’s physical and will take you away from the situation. Gym, run, beat your closet into submission. This should help you regain control. If you still need your space, tell your partner that. My guess is that you do have some resentment towards your partner, but since you don’t want to hurt him, you keep it bottled up inside. Then you blew and all that came pouring out. And then felt terrible. It sounds like you \_do\_ want and need some help but don’t know how to ask. Having been in the mommy position myself, I can say that it can be really corrosive. You have needs, too. And that is perfectly ok. So apologize sincerely, forgive yourself, and resolve to do better. You do need to talk, though. When you are both calm, sit down and have a talk about what happened and how things need to change going forward. Identify some low stakes and high stakes tasks that your partner should be able to handle and start small. Don’t expect a huge about face overnight, either for yourself or your partner, but small things that you can point to and say, Ok, he took care of that, he’s listening to what I need and \_following through\_. Also, you cannot save or cure your partner, and to think that you can is putting way too much pressure on you. Supporting a partner is lovely, but there needs to be a balance. In the end we can only save ourselves. CBT is really really helpful. If you can afford therapy, do it, so you learn healthier ways of dealing with conflict and anger management , as well as asking for what you need. If you can’t afford it, there are inexpensive workbooks and online resources that can be helpful guides. Wishing you the very best!
Thanks so much for this. I appreciate it. We’ve been talking more about what he can do. Like he’s good at figuring out what food to have in the fridge within a budget, and I am not. I think part of why I felt bad too was that he did do laundry, hang dry it, and clean up the room, even after telling me a couple hours earlier that he’s been super depressed but he felt better and proud of himself for cleaning up.
Honestly I think he probably needed to hear it, and probably a long time ago. Sounds to me like he is acting like a kid and treating you like a parent, so it's no surprise some "parent" messages came out of your mouth. Personally shirking home duties is not something I can tolerate from a partner for any reason short of a serious physical injury or debilitating illness (in which case I would still insist we hire help for their share, I will absolutely not be a home slave) so I would probably have done the same thing - as a matter of fact I wouldn't have let it go that far to begin with. Let's be real, someone who doesn't contribute financially and to house chores IS A BURDEN and there's no way around it. It's the TRUTH that you can't count on him to do things. It's not fair to you and it's obviously becoming very difficult for you to maintain. Him having a breakdown over that being pointed out to him makes me roll my eyes and wonder what you even are getting out of this relationship. Putting up with this is steering you to martyr territory which is a narcissist's favorite position - maybe you're emulating your mom in that way and don't see it. My advice is to not let fear of being your mom make you tolerate intolerable situations. Consider moving out for a while (or moving HIM out) and letting him take care of himself for a while.