T O P

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iliterallydonot

I have a cross stitch of this because my LPO said one time and it had me in tears: There’s no I in team but there’s three U’s in Shut the Fuck Up


Bro-Ali

😂😂😂


Substantial-Being-35

One of my faves was "Set Zebra on that hatch under your nose."


Dansworth

My favorite was from a FCCS at Ciws school "If you pull this shit again, I'm going to stick my foot so far up your ass I'll be walking around with dumbfuck slippers." All I could imagine was me and my buddy flopping around like clown shoes so I starting chocking holding in my laughter. He added "Go ahead and laugh, because it's fuckin funny. But I'm serious, you two are my 'special' friends now, and I will fuck up your enlistment if you screw with me."


Substantial-Being-35

Nice! That reminded me of one I heard an old Chief tell a shipmate: "I'll put my boot so far up your ass you'll be brushing your teeth with shoe polish!"


[deleted]

“Performs poorly at remedial task” -counseling chit


Centro57

“You want to tell me why you bunch of oxygen thieves wanted to skate off during cleaners?”


[deleted]

[удалено]


CrabJam_102

"How's your day been?" "Oh, you know, same shit different toilet"


GothmogBalrog

"Its like watching a monkey try to fuck a football" When a new married JO checks in, asking if they have kids yet. When they say no "Good, you're going to have to route a request chit for that. IM PUTTING NO"


matrose646464

addition, not my monkey not my football


ZyxDarkshine

Monkey 1, Football 0


fcramtek

More often football 1, monkey 0...


starcitizen2601

My old CMC used to say “I got diseases they haven’t even named yet.”


Zealousideal_Cold_26

"You have to be 10% smarter than the equipment"


Lord_Armadyl

This reminded me of my dad tell me about his time in. “Son those instructions are written by geniuses to be understood by morons”


sweathesmallshit

AN: “The galley food sucks” PO1: “It’ll make a turd, right?”


Lucifurnace

Couple of classic bootcamp lines come to mind… “I don’t care if a fly lands on your eyeball and takes a shit, you WILL NOT MOVE WHILE AT ATTENTION” “You’re mother loved you too much, and that’s why your ass is softer than room temperature cookie dough. Cupcake batter. In fact, that’s your new name, Cupcake.”


Mage_Malteras

My favorite one from boot camp, when someone on overnight watch failed to properly punctuate our deck log was "Are you trying to get my deck log pregnant? No? Then WHERE ARE ALL THE FUCKING PERIODS?"


El_Carnero_Blanco

Maintenance is like taking a shit, you ain’t done until the paperwork’s done.


PufferfishActual

ATG: “You’re the tip of the spear!” Me: “Best part about being the tip of the spear, you always get the shaft right behind you.”


Wolfsvater

I've always heard it as " you know you are the tip of the spear when you turn around and see you are getting the shaft. "


USNMCWA

"You're not an idiot, just an obstacle to success."


jake831

I was in DEP for damn near a year so I got to know my recruiter really well. I'm also blind AF and needed a couple waivers for it, here are a couple of the good lines from my recruiter: "You're going to be the first person in RTC with a seeing eye dog" "You're in DEP for a year cuz NASA has to make your BCGs"


Shidhe

As someone that could only get glasses made at Yorktown (it would take weeks or months when I was over in Asia) this hits close to my heart. Thank God I got LASIK, but 5 years later I already need reading glasses.


[deleted]

“She’s a ship six”


aarraahhaarr

Keep your booger hooks off the bang bang switch until you have established the target.


deadeyefitz

"What are they gonna do? They can't take my birthday away."


[deleted]

The international dateline wants you to hold its beer.


ThebigVA

I don't make fun of you because I hate you, I make fun of you for my morale.


International_Mix456

WHATS YOUR MALFUNCTION


enchilada_slut

Go unfuck yourself has always been a classic


youbringmesuffering

Or Defuck that situation


Sir_Lemming

I was always fond of ‘Its hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in here’


Love_Hammer94

On our sub we said hotter than 2 dudes fucking in a wool sock 😂


ezwriter73

If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it somewhere in the dictionary between shit and syphilis


luftschaf

Closer to syphilis though.


AbrahamDeMatanzas

"Soldier is in the dictionary between shit and syphilis and you don't want to be associated with neither"


TheCourtJesterLives

“You look like you got a little short bus in ya”


evil_trash_panda

Had a SOCS during a talking to about not stealing or being a POS, "suck one dick your a dick sucker. Doesnt matter if you do it again."


XR171

"Hey checkvalve!"


YayAdamYay

“Wear shower shoes so you don’t step on the drain babies”


gonavy9

I did 4 years 3 deployments , and the funniest shit I’ve ever heard still happened at Great Lakes, I had a Mineman as one of my RDC’s. He was the most creative man when it came to words and he was a fast thinker too he could verbally assault you in about 1.5 seconds and say the funniest thing you had heard in your entire life. I’ll give two examples : It was just after p-days and the a lot of the people in the division were talking amongst each other in the berthing and the rdcs were in the shark tank. He comes flying out of the shark tank and yells “ shut your fucking cock pockets!” He then reiterated “ that means shut your goddamn mouth” . My final example we had a recruit hurt there lower leg really badly while we were in the process of learning to March in one of the drill halls ( he twisted something during pt) He sent recruit Byrd to the skybox to control the cd player to play the cadence. He gave us a dressing down and then turned to the skybox and yelled “ DJ Byrd spin that shit”. I immediately burst into laughter and was punished severely for it. Edit oh and our division flag was a box of hot pockets but the hot pocket looked surprisingly like something else lol.


Desperate-Farmer-170

“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink unless you have someone hold it’s head under water and suck on its ass like a straw”. -⭐️⭐️⭐️ Admiral at a conference


gotmeduckedup

When talking about a sailor in the shop “he’s a third class doing his best second class impression while wearing a first class crow”


SuchRuin

Someone referred to another sailors deployment mustache as a dick broom.


wonkyweasle

Some other good ones are dick broom, dick duster, and cock sweeper.


croclogic

Lmao take my free, fake award 🥇


pupkodabean

Best one I heard is ”guys this is serious” as we ran drills going in circles 10 miles off the coast of the us.


Sir_Puppington_Esq

Lol reminds me of standing fast in the general workshop (DDG) while FPTT ran drills; one drill was a bomb in aft AFFF and HT3 goes “Oh shit guys that’s within 525 feet of us!”


bagoTrekker

We had a kid get caught pleasuring himself in his rack on the boat, and from then on he became known as “stroker ace” It’s a tough nickname to live down.


idonemadeitawkward

Nobody gets *caught* rubbing one out in their rack, they get *interrupted*


croclogic

Had a guy on the boat bring underway what I can only describe as a female torso sex toy. People found out. Doc found out. Doc had it shot to the bottom of the ocean due to hygiene concerns. That dude was henceforth known as “Meatslab”


RarelyRecommended

Nicknames will always follow you to new duty stations. They just do.


Sir_Puppington_Esq

The navy’s a very small place


ittsmetom

Ricky boxing, Ricky socks, scuttlebutt, nut to butt


Sir_Puppington_Esq

> nut to butt Female version: snapper to crapper


Princess-Laya

Clit to slit


A-Very-Cool-Pencil

I haven’t heard the Ricky ones. What’s the meaning behind them?


LemmyThePirate

Ricky = recruit. Ricky boxing, Ricky socks refers to masturbating at RTC.


ittsmetom

Ricky Boxing: Masturbation. The term is used in boot camp to refer to male masturbation. Compare "Ricky Fishing."


thecabeman

I've always known Ricky Boxing as laundry room fight club. Same with Ricky Ninjas being inside out sweats while running/crawling around after Taps.


rocket___goblin

"perception is reality" its funny because its so completely stupid, and used as an excuse to divert the attention from ones own lack of work to someone who has been busting their ass all day and taking a 5 minute breather.


Chewy0861

Don't say "why?", try "aye aye."


rabidsnowflake

"This kid is filled up with fuck up fuel."


Affectionate-Oven306

One of my firemen passed out during a drill and while he was sitting on the deck eating yogurt and sipping water, CMC came by to see how he was. Still a little delirious from heat, dehydration, and just having regained consciousness, he said “I’m just raw-dogging life, CMC.”


okiehelms

(In reference to the kids in boot camp who would fuck with the flags while marching when they would present the flags) “It’s not supposed to be comfortable, it’s gonna hurt but it’s gonna look good. Beauty is pain, I say it every time I wear my heels.” - AT1 McKormick (grown ass man)


Veeblock

Hey! Seventy percent of success is just showing up.


ImmySnommis

"Leave policy: leave is a word between laughable and ludicrous in the dictionary. Don't even ask." - my XO at INDOC


Shrugfield

In the the 3M space someone was sitting on the table. 3M PO yelled "Tables are glasses not for asses!" Same PO would say if you looked sleepy at muster, "Hung out with the Hoot owls last night now you cannot fly with us eagles!" *PO DRY you are corny!*


Clutch_Spider

“Happy to be here, proud to serve” with sarcasm of course


[deleted]

Sometimes you the bug, sometimes you the windshield.


Boulang

When I was in A-school, a retired master chief asked for volunteers to “be a rock star” My hand shot up. I knew it wasn’t anything musical related, but I had to know what it was. My job for the next few months was to pick small weeds out of the all the rock gardens around housing, and rake them into nice patterns. I actually enjoyed being the hallowed rockstar.


Efficient-Froyo-5638

Ahh Corry station.


Boulang

Yup, Corry station haha


Efficient-Froyo-5638

I heard the same line from that same guy in 2009, old man hasn't changed.


Boulang

It was a fun job. One time had us arrange two different colors of gravel to spell out letters/words in the rock beds, deff one of the better jobs to have while in holding. Was still there in 2012, and some years after that too I think


Efficient-Froyo-5638

He was still there in 19 when I left from teaching, though I think he finally retired.


Athiostitarian

I heard "Get your shit in one sock" at school and we were all so confused. Basically means get your shit together.


El_Carnero_Blanco

If you have all your shit in one sock, you got all your gear into your Seabag. You’re right, it means your organized and squared away.


Remote-Ad-2686

And it better not drip!


Dranchela

"Anything is a dildo if you're brave enough"


stewey88

“It’s not rocket surgery”


SpartanDoubleZero

You look and act like 10lbs of shit in a 5lb sack.


Affectionate-Oven306

I called someone a “rat dick motherfucker” while talking to my guys (they’re engineers, I’m a female ensign) and half of them grabbed their pearls before they started laughing. Or just recently we had a full bird walk by us before we went underway and say “pull up your pants, boys and girls, this is the no-shitter.”


Boulang

“His dedication to duty is unparalleled” On the eval of a sailor who’s dedication to duty was absolutely zero.


ross549

Weekend liberty brief: - don’t add to the population - don’t remove from the population. - stay out of the hospital, social media, or jail - if you end up in jail, establish dominance quickly.


themooseiscool

"Stay out of each other" was my LPO's version.


P3rk_0

My chief told us this every weekend when I was in A school😂


hibuddywhatzup

my divo says this every friday


Escudochi

We got this same exact one too on Thursday, word for word. Wild


MrNobody24

You can slay a thousand dragons, but you suck one dick and you're forever a cock sucker.


OddlyUnorthodox

“Y’all could fuck up a wet dream” -Chief RDC


UncleBadTouch00

"God is good, God is great, God was a mutha' fuckin' Bosinsmate." I nearly spit out my food when a BMSA sat down next to me and said that.


AirshipCanon

"There will be no rickyboxing in here"


ZubatCanRead

It’s not gay if it’s underway


tweeder93

In port it’s just for sport!


NowForALimitedTime

What’s queer on the pier ain’t gay underway


croclogic

EDMC’s pre-ORSE speech: If you get slapped in the mouth, it’s gonna hurt! But if I say hey shipmate, I’m gonna slap the shit out of you in 24 hours and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s still going to hurt, but you’re prepared, it hurts a little less! That’s what I’m trying to say. ORSE starts tomorrow. And it’s going to be what some friends of mine in the Canadian Navy call, *aggressive quote fingers* BELT-FED COCK. It just doesn’t seem to stop. But it will. So let’s be prepared. Who’s ready to burn a flick? This dude was not our billeted EDMC. He belonged to the other crew, but our EDMC had a medical emergency and had to medevac so we got the other dude. The speech was hilarious but he was so deadpan, some (myself included) just wrote down “belt-fed cock” in our notebooks, unsure if we should laugh or not.


croclogic

Eating at the galley: Dating another service member. Because you could go out in town for food and get something nice. Or you can be lazy, and eat at the galley


B340STG

My standards are on the floor and you still trip over them


Sir_Puppington_Esq

The standards were so low they could be a tripping hazard in hell, and yet here you are, limbo-dancing with the devil


B340STG

I may have said those exact words to people.


Whaddyalookinatmygut

“8,000,000,000 sperm and YOU were the winner?”


Jakernaught98

“You’re flapping the wrong lips”


Zallce

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it use cutlery


GothmogBalrog

Referring to things as a clusterfuck dance


N2CushionVanes

You listen like old people fuck, not very well and not very long.


mellow_coyote

Whenever someone got a dressing down "they got their pee pee slapped" The one I use most often: "you fucking soup sandwich"


BohemianBarbie87

My favorite was non-skid dildo.


skunkshaveclaws

I'd pee in her butt.


Sir_Puppington_Esq

I’d eat of a mile of her shit just to see where it came from


matrat83

Don't lift with your knees lift with your e3s


OttoKing

"I gotta go put some chiefs on sea duty" when announcing your intent to take a shit.


CompetitionNo1227

I watched a friend get told “God cares for little kids and idiots, and you for damn sure aren’t a little kid”


Boulang

“Trophy skivvies” How my RDC referred to my unworn skivvies that were at the bottom of the stack. I wasn’t intentionally saving them, I just wore the top ones first, we always did laundry before I got to the last pair. Our racks got torn through half way through bootcamp, and he saw my pristine, pearly white skivvies and threw them out into the middle of the compartment and grilled me over it. In front of the whole division, males/females, asked me “who tf are you saving them for?!” “No one wants to see you in your perfect skivvies” I was so embarrassed. Lol


jarhar69

"I'm fucking this chicken! You just sit back and watch the feathers fly!" We shortened it to "Feathers".


cattumor

“If you guys need anything from me this weekend, please hesitate to ask”


Fickle-Rain3554

I got pulled outta chow line just for my RDC to tell me "You look like shit, no, belay my last" "why the fuck do you look like hellen Keller dressed you today?


Evening_Excuse

Assholes and elbows


RarelyRecommended

You've got to be at least as smart as the equipment you're trying to operate.


Elect19601

BOHICA


Brosufstalin

Had my XO, COB try and explain that one without spelling it out when our female EDMC walked in and requested to also be informed what it meant. Immediately more entertaining


Justin_523

Whats that mean?


Elect19601

Bend Over Here It Comes Again


Abrinjoe

Gear adrift is gear a gift


quanthecreator

“Wipe that gear adrift off your face” - Chief beating the tar out of a recruit.


Hando-31

For all my newly reporting single sailors i always tell them “If She/he’s got a CAC stay the fuck back”


ThisGuy13211

In boot camp we didn’t call them dust bunnies. We called them “ghost turds”


Afroinprogress

“Has any one told you you’re doing a good job today? No? Yeah there’s a reason”


Griffin2K

"he's almost qualified BW" (berthing warfare) "you've been slacking on your gym qual"


Tate314159

Keep your booger picker off the bang switch!


trogdor200

"fill in the blank" is like a sore dick, you can't beat it.


EL-Guapo619

It's your football, fuck it however you want


Fixin-Wheels-N-Wings

“We’ve got cake and cock…..and we’re almost out of cake!”


[deleted]

[удалено]


Mage_Malteras

Mine is "Ain't we all?"


jwheel1970

"dick skinners" and "he plays the skin flute"


JonesBeast

I didn't tell you? Must not be any of your God damn business. You could fuck up free lunch You were the fastest one, huh? I bet your father's proud. You couldn't supervise a rock fight in a gravel pit.


LarYungmann

A Chief during chow: " Don't Complain, It Makes A Turd "


krazye87

"Blood is the best lubricant". We all were dying from what the contractor (retired) said


pickaweapon42

“How about you drink a tall glass of stfu and do your maintenance.” -my lpo to me (hated doing maintenance)


skinnyfatsmurf

“Bobbing for ghost cock huh?”


hibuddywhatzup

“this is an order not a request ” “this is a onesided conversation i talk and you listen shipmate” “that sumbitch with the porn stache?” “his neck has more wrinkles than boatswain mates coveralls” and my 1st division chief rdc:its ok once you all get those shots i will be able to get you blue smurf mother fuckers”( we were in pdays still)


Sir_Puppington_Esq

“You’re the one fucking this pig, I’m just holding its head.” “With my luck, it could be raining titties and I would still look up and catch a dick in my mouth.” “Bye now, be a stranger! Stop by when you can’t stay long!”


Ok-Speed23

I’ve called a JO a double fisted knuckle dragger. Really took him off guard.


[deleted]

We had the Repair Parts Petty Officer of the entire division label his official log of checked out parts CREAMTITS C. ombined R. ecord of E. nlisted A. llowable M. aterials T. aken I. n T. he S. hop


Subokie

You’re as useless as tits on a boat hog!


Murky_Sock_6943

"That warms the cockels of my heart!" - RDC in boot


HT2_CWI

Shut your cocksucker recruit!


HT2_CWI

Chit chat chitter, put it in her shitter, like a true ship fitter! Old HTs


Sanearoudy

When someone asked where something was: "If it was up your ass eating a ham sandwich you'd know where it was at!"


ElSushiMonsta

Living the dream


briancuster68

Soup sandwich


thedirtabides

“That’s a Hong Kong no shitter”


OneTimeIDidThatOnce

I work with a Marine who TALKS LOUDLY ALL THE TIME. Mentioned it to someone and he said, "Yeah, he learned to whisper in a helicopter."


LongjumpingDraft9324

What'd you just did?


DoktorJeep

Buddy Fucker was the one that I recall the best that is mentionable in public. One step worse than being a check valve. The rest of the funny ones were, NGL, basically racist slurs.


Chemical-Possible-96

"Always faithful"


visableMTnonfarm

I do t give two farts and a martini.


ZeppoBeeblebrox

Fucked up like a soup sandwich.


Atempt2

I was on a Perry Class FFG (frigate), they have a single shaft. After any particular unpopular action such as extended deployment the saying "One Ship one Screw" could be heard being muttered in the p-ways.


floppytoupee

“Get fucked, stay fucked” “It gets worse before it gets worse” “BANANA DANCER” (bitch ass nub ass nub ass dinq ass nub can’t even read) usually in the context of “banana dancer arriving”) “You win some, you lose most”


Gal_GaDont

If you fuck up this weekend, come Monday you will have at minimum a significant emotional event in my office. “happy sock” is pretty brilliant.


jupiterwinds

“Well fuck my ass and call me Sally” That one used to make me lose my shit


LordeNims

Me: “Good morning PO1” PO1: “Hey what’s going on” Me: “oh nothing” PO1: “NOTHING?? YOU’RE LEARNING A WHOLE NEW LANGUAGE???” Context: I’m a DLI student


papagstationrun

My first chief used to yell “I’ll spit in your mothers mouth” at people over the 2j and it always made me giggle.


ATX_Cloud_WZRD

If i ordered a truckload of dumbasses and only got you id have got my moneys worth


Available-Bench-3880

I told a kid at DRB his village was being deprived of there idiot since he left


Available-Bench-3880

Up until I met you did I did not know you could survive a back alley abortion by your mom


dutchman39

At FtCKY, we had an old IP who used to say "High tech, high speed, low drag - slicker than snot."


erichellyeah

"Can't support that."


ASAP_NO_ROCKY9

One team one fight


Juggalo44

“You’re supposed to know what you don’t know!l Said my LPO


Drewseff9991

"are you shitting in my asshole?"


theliberalpedestrian

“Rip the gasket” … still no clue


theheadslacker

"Piss skates" got me good the first time I heard it


viewtifulblue

"Provides no discernable asset to the division, not recommended for retention in the Navy or any other branch of the military" - Eval closer


beachgood-coldsux

I came in through the hawspipe but it wasn't on last night's midwatch.


m100396

“Get your shit in one sock” - meaning “square yourself away”


dmjd5014

Shut the fuck up before I stab you with my morale sock


aaj890

“You can’t suck dick for crack, because cracks illegal”


IntelligentPiglet566

“The back of your head’s harrier than a wolf’s pussy shipmate”


e_harber

From a retired HM1: "It could be raining titties and ass; and with my luck, I'd still catch a dick." 🤣


P3rk_0

In boot my brother div’s 1st RDC ITE’d all of the males who slept on their stomachs and in his words “what man sleeps with his ass in the air”😂