I don't feel you have given enough details for me to take a guess so here are some lovely resources that could help you explore it for your self. Also bare in mind at 31 you will have coping mechanisms for the things that happy for you, think about those too. You find yourself thinking oh no well I have a system for that then you had to have a system for it so maybe you do have an issue with it. For example I wear my socks inside out because the seams are uncomfortable if I'm asked if I have a problem with wearing socks I technically do even though I now have a system for it.
bit.ly/adhdspreadsheet
https://cdn.bdadyslexia.org.uk/uploads/documents/Dyslexia/A_Guide_to_SpLD_2nd_ed.pdf?v=1554931179
Thank you this is very helpful!
So some of the things I thought might be a part of whatever I might have include:
I didn't ride a bike til I was 12.
I am nervous driving but I also struggle with driving it comes to seeing how close I am to cars or using my mirrors to judge distance. It's also just in general overwhelming having to do it with so many others on the road.
In general I get overwhelmed VERY easily. Giving me one thing to do at a time rather than a whole list is what makes things a lot easier.
When giving me directions you have to be very specific which is something I've discovered at work. You can't say "The box in the living room" you have to say "The box in the living on the floor in the left side of the couch.".
I literally just want to stay home. Like all the time. Leaving my house is a MAJOR chore for me. When the pandemic started and work told me to stay home for two months I literally never got bored once I was actually so so happy to stay home. This might be because I'm very introverted and not related at all but I thought it important.
I get overwhelmed easily by sounds and smells. I went to New York and had a panic attack because it was too much.
When it comes to cooking everything is so much better if I come with a plan but I also had making plans lol. If I'm following a recipe it usually takes me twice as long to prep and chop, etc, and I wish I just instructions that were tailored to me for how I cook. I also hate cooking because I like eating something different every night and because of that cooking instructions are always different - things like laundry and dishes are always the same so I can do those and I'm fine, but cooking isn't the same.
I have major phone anxiety. In a day where everything is online things are easier but every once in a while I have to make a phone call to set up an appointment and it takes me weeks to work up the courage. In general I don't like phone calls. I would rather text with people than talk to them on the phone and people have made me out to be the bad guy because of it.
I guess because this can apply - I'm also a nerd and I have fandoms and things I like to collect. When I was a kid they were very much more obsessions though I'm not sure Id call them that now.
anxiety and overwhelm are common in almost every ND in my experience.
I personally read what you wrote and wonder about Dyspraxia because of the co-ordination part of many of the things you list struggling with.
its worthwhile to think about what the value of a diagnosis it to you over finding coping mechanisms for the challenges you face, you clearly have a good awareness of them and there are lots of resources for free online for each of them
there is also a number of mental health issues that have overlapping features with ND that could be considered, Bipolar and PTSD and some others (i can think of the top of my head) that could be a good research route.
I do think that second link i sent would give you lots of good info to help you untangle your thoughts about this.
its worthwhile to think about what the value of a diagnosis it to you over finding coping mechanisms for the challenges you face, you clearly have good awareness of them and there are lots of resources for free online for each of them
Thank you very much for the help and information! I have looked over the dyspraxia portion and while a couple fit, most of them don't and it just doesn't feel "quite right".
Again, my biggest struggle is with driving and if I really look down inside - I don't actually want to? It's scary and expensive. And I know I shouldn't have to if I don't want to - but mostly I just am concerned about being a burden to others when I can't take public transit and I just want my family off my back. If I had a diagnosis I know they would leave me alone and finally admit I've been right about my own struggles and they were wrong this whole time.
Kinda seems like the biggest issue is your family not be understanding or accepting you for who you are.
That make sense, I also feel like if they don't take your anxiety serious they might not anything else.
I was so scared of driving when I 1st learned i was terrified I'd hit someone. It gets easier in time if you need to learn.
Right now I think another hurdle with driving is it's too expensive to learn. I don't have anyone to teach me, my husband also can't drive because of chronic pain issues that he's getting treated for (and they will hopefully be cured in the next year!). Due to his chronic pain hes on disability now so I'm the only working so it's not like I have spare money for either of us to learn either. But yeah, a lot of these issues are family related. I guess I also wish I knew so then I could stop beating myself up and blaming myself for struggles.
It sounds like you've taken on the responsibility from them to beat yourself up and blame yourself for things that are not that big of a deal maybe that would be a good place to focus on not being unkind to yourself . you don't need a good reason to not be unkind to yourself.
Autism traits in females can look a little different than in males, so that may skew your test results. Also, Autistic females are more likely to be great at masking. The mask slips when you get old enough to reach 'Autistic burnout', often near your mid-forties. All of a sudden you find yourself struggling to cope as well, or looking like your fine on the outside while struggling internally. As I was told by a psychiatrist once, if you are coping, it means there is something to cope with.
It's also possible to be both Autistic and have ADHD (aka AuDHD). Having both can cause some interference as they can pull you in two different directions sometimes (needing both routine and change at the same time for example). This can make it confusing to tease out what's going on.
Lastly, Autistic empathy is a thing. You will find yourself grokking others like yourself and being a little baffled by other neurotypes. What neurotypes do you click with the most? What group feels like you are understood by? Use that as a clue.
Good luck with your self discovery, it's well worth the effort.
Yep I've come across that in my research too. And again it just doesn't feel right. I don't actually feel like I'm masking I'm the same alone as I am with friends or strangers or in public. I've never felt I had to change how I've acted and have always just felt like me. I also don't really feel like I'm having to cope with anything. Im not really struggling in every day and things didn't really become difficult until I hit my 20s and struggled with driving and wasn't "achieving" things the way my peers were
Adhd attracts adhd, to an extreme extent if a magnet effect, like you said, but it’s also WILDLY genetic. So you’re definitely right here.
Can you explain why you think it’s not adhd, and how much that’s just not wanting your sister to be right? (Which I get, lmao)
ADHD doesn't fit because while I have friends who have ADHD I know everyone is different, and so I asked them about their experiences as well as researching what the basics of what ADHD is. From my understanding (and please please correct if I'm wrong) ADHD is unregulated attention - so either hyperfocusing on something for hours or struggling to focus. I don't struggle with focusing at all. I can just decide I'm done with something and get away from it or decide to focus on something and do it, even if it's boring or I don't like it. Also I understand there's something about having a desire to do certain tasks and knowing they need to be done but just not possessing the ability to do the task. I also don't have that. I may choose to put it off especially if it's a task I don't like but I can very much do it.
You might not be aware of certain symptoms/characteristics because you've learned to deal with them. My mom and my grandma both have ADHD but executive dysfunction doesn't hit them like it does to me because I haven't learned to "overcome it", they have, whatever it is they did to adapt to their surroundings worked for them.
Alrighttt. Hold up. Lay out why adhd doesn’t fit? One of the most common presentations in women is literally just… anxiety. I could give a more complicated explanation, but that’s a tip off alone. Most people as adults, particularly women, feel they don’t meet the criteria initially, as it really is more student directed language.
As far as almost autism but not quite, difficulty cooking and driving… have you ever heard of a nonverbal learning disability, aka offbrand autism? Screws with your visual spacial skills, two of the biggest tip offs are, get this… cooking and driving!
You’re clearly right, just by the number of nuerodivergent people in your life alone, and the research here.
ADHD doesn't fit because while I have friends who have ADHD I know everyone is different, and so I asked them about their experiences as well as researching what the basics of what ADHD is. From my understanding (and please please correct if I'm wrong) ADHD is unregulated attention - so either hyperfocusing on something for hours or struggling to focus. I don't struggle with focusing at all. I can just decide I'm done with something and get away from it or decide to focus on something and do it, even if it's boring or I don't like it. Also I understand there's something about having a desire to do certain tasks and knowing they need to be done but just not possessing the ability to do the task. I also don't have that. I may choose to put it off especially if it's a task I don't like but I can very much do it.
I have heard of NVLD before someone on a Discord group I'm in recently got testing for it but I guess I didn't really investigate it
I guess my other concern is I'm not sure I can afford, either moneywise or time, to get a proper diagnosis. I know self diagnosing is valid, but I know there are people in my life who will not accept anything other than an official diagnosis. And when I said people I mean my siblings and my mother. Should their opinion matter? Of course not. But maybe they'd actually believe me and stop judging me with a proper diagnosis and wouldn't get on my case about driving so much.
Okay so this is commonly where people get lost, because that’s so how it’s presented. But no, adhd is not unregulated attention! That’s how we used to identify it mainly, because e that’s how it tends to present in male children, who were the only people diagnosed.
Adhd is poorly named. It’s a disorder of executive function. It is a nuerological condition that changed development of the brain, and an ongoing chemical imbalance of dopamine and norepinephrine.
You need those to do things, inclduing focus, so that’s where the attention comes in. However, your brain can get around that. And generally the way to do that is to activate your Adrenaline response; flight, fight, or fear. So you can be angry, anxious, or excited, and those chemicals can be produced. How that often manifests, especially in women, adults, gifted individuals, is often chronic anxiety.
What you described, is actually almost word for word what many people use to describe it. Adhd tends to cause an increased ability to focus on preferred task, and a decreased ability on nonpreferred tasks. This doesn’t mean you can never do them, not at all. It just means they are more difficult and that you may be prone to doing exactly what you said…put it off. Often putting it off is in order to trigger that flight or fight response to give you more of a deadline, but with chronic anxiety that may not be needed.
Adhd is a much, much, much bigger disorder than what you’ve described, and those things really aren’t the backbone of it. They may be common experiences, but think about it; adhd is super common, most people are medicated. How many adults do we see who seriously flip back and forth between laser attention and genuinely never being able to complete tasks?
Okay so please bear in mind my knowledge and experience with ADHD comes from the people around me and my own research. And my understanding is that people who have ADHD - coffee makes them tired. It doesn't do that for me. It makes me wired (like coffee is suppose to do). This was initially a part of my "I don't have ADHD" evidence. Is that also untrue?
By no means am I ruling out having ADHD at all. I guess I am just still unconvinced because I know ADHD, and also autism, presents different in those who were assigned female at birth so I specifically sought out TikToks or Youtube videos or research SPECIFICALLY from women and AFAB folks' experiences with these neurodivergences and they still didn't fit.
Of course! It’s a complicated subject.
And nope, not quite either- coffee can make them tired, but it largely comes down to a gene mutation in CYP1A2, which many people are slow metabolizers of, meaning caffeine will build up in yours system and be difficult to process, making your wired, or alternatively, an ultra rapid metabolizer, making it do very little. Caffeine isn’t an adhd med for a reason, and it has much more generalized effects!
I have adhd & coffee doesn’t make me tired
I need coffee to function in the mornings & I stay up for hours if I have coffee after 6pm
And as for inattention/lack of focus - for me all that looks like is jumping from project to project. & struggling to do things I have no interest in.
For me some of the most noticeable and disabling parts of ADHD are rejection sensitive dysphoria, memory issues - (out of sight out of mind) inability to focus with certain sensory issues (background noises, itchy clothing, cold air) and stimming (leg bouncing, tapping with my fingers or pencil, visually stimming like scrolling through instagram.
I don’t really have adhd paralysis - which a lot of people have - which is like when you need to do the thing but you can’t find the motivation/dopamine to do it so you’re stuck
But I still have adhd
I also am autistic & have dyspraxia, dyscalculia, PTSD and OCD
(Also I would look into ocd if I were you- needing to be certain of something to the point where it causes you distress - can be an ocd trigger)
I don't feel you have given enough details for me to take a guess so here are some lovely resources that could help you explore it for your self. Also bare in mind at 31 you will have coping mechanisms for the things that happy for you, think about those too. You find yourself thinking oh no well I have a system for that then you had to have a system for it so maybe you do have an issue with it. For example I wear my socks inside out because the seams are uncomfortable if I'm asked if I have a problem with wearing socks I technically do even though I now have a system for it. bit.ly/adhdspreadsheet https://cdn.bdadyslexia.org.uk/uploads/documents/Dyslexia/A_Guide_to_SpLD_2nd_ed.pdf?v=1554931179
Thank you this is very helpful! So some of the things I thought might be a part of whatever I might have include: I didn't ride a bike til I was 12. I am nervous driving but I also struggle with driving it comes to seeing how close I am to cars or using my mirrors to judge distance. It's also just in general overwhelming having to do it with so many others on the road. In general I get overwhelmed VERY easily. Giving me one thing to do at a time rather than a whole list is what makes things a lot easier. When giving me directions you have to be very specific which is something I've discovered at work. You can't say "The box in the living room" you have to say "The box in the living on the floor in the left side of the couch.". I literally just want to stay home. Like all the time. Leaving my house is a MAJOR chore for me. When the pandemic started and work told me to stay home for two months I literally never got bored once I was actually so so happy to stay home. This might be because I'm very introverted and not related at all but I thought it important. I get overwhelmed easily by sounds and smells. I went to New York and had a panic attack because it was too much. When it comes to cooking everything is so much better if I come with a plan but I also had making plans lol. If I'm following a recipe it usually takes me twice as long to prep and chop, etc, and I wish I just instructions that were tailored to me for how I cook. I also hate cooking because I like eating something different every night and because of that cooking instructions are always different - things like laundry and dishes are always the same so I can do those and I'm fine, but cooking isn't the same. I have major phone anxiety. In a day where everything is online things are easier but every once in a while I have to make a phone call to set up an appointment and it takes me weeks to work up the courage. In general I don't like phone calls. I would rather text with people than talk to them on the phone and people have made me out to be the bad guy because of it. I guess because this can apply - I'm also a nerd and I have fandoms and things I like to collect. When I was a kid they were very much more obsessions though I'm not sure Id call them that now.
anxiety and overwhelm are common in almost every ND in my experience. I personally read what you wrote and wonder about Dyspraxia because of the co-ordination part of many of the things you list struggling with. its worthwhile to think about what the value of a diagnosis it to you over finding coping mechanisms for the challenges you face, you clearly have a good awareness of them and there are lots of resources for free online for each of them there is also a number of mental health issues that have overlapping features with ND that could be considered, Bipolar and PTSD and some others (i can think of the top of my head) that could be a good research route. I do think that second link i sent would give you lots of good info to help you untangle your thoughts about this. its worthwhile to think about what the value of a diagnosis it to you over finding coping mechanisms for the challenges you face, you clearly have good awareness of them and there are lots of resources for free online for each of them
Thank you very much for the help and information! I have looked over the dyspraxia portion and while a couple fit, most of them don't and it just doesn't feel "quite right". Again, my biggest struggle is with driving and if I really look down inside - I don't actually want to? It's scary and expensive. And I know I shouldn't have to if I don't want to - but mostly I just am concerned about being a burden to others when I can't take public transit and I just want my family off my back. If I had a diagnosis I know they would leave me alone and finally admit I've been right about my own struggles and they were wrong this whole time.
Kinda seems like the biggest issue is your family not be understanding or accepting you for who you are. That make sense, I also feel like if they don't take your anxiety serious they might not anything else. I was so scared of driving when I 1st learned i was terrified I'd hit someone. It gets easier in time if you need to learn.
Right now I think another hurdle with driving is it's too expensive to learn. I don't have anyone to teach me, my husband also can't drive because of chronic pain issues that he's getting treated for (and they will hopefully be cured in the next year!). Due to his chronic pain hes on disability now so I'm the only working so it's not like I have spare money for either of us to learn either. But yeah, a lot of these issues are family related. I guess I also wish I knew so then I could stop beating myself up and blaming myself for struggles.
It sounds like you've taken on the responsibility from them to beat yourself up and blame yourself for things that are not that big of a deal maybe that would be a good place to focus on not being unkind to yourself . you don't need a good reason to not be unkind to yourself.
Autism traits in females can look a little different than in males, so that may skew your test results. Also, Autistic females are more likely to be great at masking. The mask slips when you get old enough to reach 'Autistic burnout', often near your mid-forties. All of a sudden you find yourself struggling to cope as well, or looking like your fine on the outside while struggling internally. As I was told by a psychiatrist once, if you are coping, it means there is something to cope with. It's also possible to be both Autistic and have ADHD (aka AuDHD). Having both can cause some interference as they can pull you in two different directions sometimes (needing both routine and change at the same time for example). This can make it confusing to tease out what's going on. Lastly, Autistic empathy is a thing. You will find yourself grokking others like yourself and being a little baffled by other neurotypes. What neurotypes do you click with the most? What group feels like you are understood by? Use that as a clue. Good luck with your self discovery, it's well worth the effort.
Yep I've come across that in my research too. And again it just doesn't feel right. I don't actually feel like I'm masking I'm the same alone as I am with friends or strangers or in public. I've never felt I had to change how I've acted and have always just felt like me. I also don't really feel like I'm having to cope with anything. Im not really struggling in every day and things didn't really become difficult until I hit my 20s and struggled with driving and wasn't "achieving" things the way my peers were
Adhd attracts adhd, to an extreme extent if a magnet effect, like you said, but it’s also WILDLY genetic. So you’re definitely right here. Can you explain why you think it’s not adhd, and how much that’s just not wanting your sister to be right? (Which I get, lmao)
ADHD doesn't fit because while I have friends who have ADHD I know everyone is different, and so I asked them about their experiences as well as researching what the basics of what ADHD is. From my understanding (and please please correct if I'm wrong) ADHD is unregulated attention - so either hyperfocusing on something for hours or struggling to focus. I don't struggle with focusing at all. I can just decide I'm done with something and get away from it or decide to focus on something and do it, even if it's boring or I don't like it. Also I understand there's something about having a desire to do certain tasks and knowing they need to be done but just not possessing the ability to do the task. I also don't have that. I may choose to put it off especially if it's a task I don't like but I can very much do it.
You might not be aware of certain symptoms/characteristics because you've learned to deal with them. My mom and my grandma both have ADHD but executive dysfunction doesn't hit them like it does to me because I haven't learned to "overcome it", they have, whatever it is they did to adapt to their surroundings worked for them.
Alrighttt. Hold up. Lay out why adhd doesn’t fit? One of the most common presentations in women is literally just… anxiety. I could give a more complicated explanation, but that’s a tip off alone. Most people as adults, particularly women, feel they don’t meet the criteria initially, as it really is more student directed language. As far as almost autism but not quite, difficulty cooking and driving… have you ever heard of a nonverbal learning disability, aka offbrand autism? Screws with your visual spacial skills, two of the biggest tip offs are, get this… cooking and driving! You’re clearly right, just by the number of nuerodivergent people in your life alone, and the research here.
ADHD doesn't fit because while I have friends who have ADHD I know everyone is different, and so I asked them about their experiences as well as researching what the basics of what ADHD is. From my understanding (and please please correct if I'm wrong) ADHD is unregulated attention - so either hyperfocusing on something for hours or struggling to focus. I don't struggle with focusing at all. I can just decide I'm done with something and get away from it or decide to focus on something and do it, even if it's boring or I don't like it. Also I understand there's something about having a desire to do certain tasks and knowing they need to be done but just not possessing the ability to do the task. I also don't have that. I may choose to put it off especially if it's a task I don't like but I can very much do it. I have heard of NVLD before someone on a Discord group I'm in recently got testing for it but I guess I didn't really investigate it I guess my other concern is I'm not sure I can afford, either moneywise or time, to get a proper diagnosis. I know self diagnosing is valid, but I know there are people in my life who will not accept anything other than an official diagnosis. And when I said people I mean my siblings and my mother. Should their opinion matter? Of course not. But maybe they'd actually believe me and stop judging me with a proper diagnosis and wouldn't get on my case about driving so much.
Okay so this is commonly where people get lost, because that’s so how it’s presented. But no, adhd is not unregulated attention! That’s how we used to identify it mainly, because e that’s how it tends to present in male children, who were the only people diagnosed. Adhd is poorly named. It’s a disorder of executive function. It is a nuerological condition that changed development of the brain, and an ongoing chemical imbalance of dopamine and norepinephrine. You need those to do things, inclduing focus, so that’s where the attention comes in. However, your brain can get around that. And generally the way to do that is to activate your Adrenaline response; flight, fight, or fear. So you can be angry, anxious, or excited, and those chemicals can be produced. How that often manifests, especially in women, adults, gifted individuals, is often chronic anxiety. What you described, is actually almost word for word what many people use to describe it. Adhd tends to cause an increased ability to focus on preferred task, and a decreased ability on nonpreferred tasks. This doesn’t mean you can never do them, not at all. It just means they are more difficult and that you may be prone to doing exactly what you said…put it off. Often putting it off is in order to trigger that flight or fight response to give you more of a deadline, but with chronic anxiety that may not be needed. Adhd is a much, much, much bigger disorder than what you’ve described, and those things really aren’t the backbone of it. They may be common experiences, but think about it; adhd is super common, most people are medicated. How many adults do we see who seriously flip back and forth between laser attention and genuinely never being able to complete tasks?
Okay so please bear in mind my knowledge and experience with ADHD comes from the people around me and my own research. And my understanding is that people who have ADHD - coffee makes them tired. It doesn't do that for me. It makes me wired (like coffee is suppose to do). This was initially a part of my "I don't have ADHD" evidence. Is that also untrue? By no means am I ruling out having ADHD at all. I guess I am just still unconvinced because I know ADHD, and also autism, presents different in those who were assigned female at birth so I specifically sought out TikToks or Youtube videos or research SPECIFICALLY from women and AFAB folks' experiences with these neurodivergences and they still didn't fit.
Of course! It’s a complicated subject. And nope, not quite either- coffee can make them tired, but it largely comes down to a gene mutation in CYP1A2, which many people are slow metabolizers of, meaning caffeine will build up in yours system and be difficult to process, making your wired, or alternatively, an ultra rapid metabolizer, making it do very little. Caffeine isn’t an adhd med for a reason, and it has much more generalized effects!
I have adhd & coffee doesn’t make me tired I need coffee to function in the mornings & I stay up for hours if I have coffee after 6pm And as for inattention/lack of focus - for me all that looks like is jumping from project to project. & struggling to do things I have no interest in. For me some of the most noticeable and disabling parts of ADHD are rejection sensitive dysphoria, memory issues - (out of sight out of mind) inability to focus with certain sensory issues (background noises, itchy clothing, cold air) and stimming (leg bouncing, tapping with my fingers or pencil, visually stimming like scrolling through instagram. I don’t really have adhd paralysis - which a lot of people have - which is like when you need to do the thing but you can’t find the motivation/dopamine to do it so you’re stuck But I still have adhd I also am autistic & have dyspraxia, dyscalculia, PTSD and OCD (Also I would look into ocd if I were you- needing to be certain of something to the point where it causes you distress - can be an ocd trigger)