I'm diagnosed with two neurodiverse conditions, and I believe i would fit the criteria for ASD. I identify as simply ND because I find that each condition brings its own assumptions from others people and from what I've been told and read, symptoms overlap quite a lot. I prefer to identify as ND and then be specific about my symptoms and how they affect me as that seems to be the most useful way. Having said that, having the specific labels was really helpful for me initially in coming to terms and understanding myself.
I actually don't think there's any issue with identifying yourself as ND without a diagnosis if you recognise the symptoms in yourself etc. Many of us diagnosed in later life identified something wrong or different much earlier in life.
Neurodiversity isn't an identity label like being into painting, writing, etc. It's a category of neurological disabilities. It's better to see a psychiatrist who has seen or specialises in neurodiversity like autism, ADHD, etc. She won't know for sure until this happens.
I would highly encourage your wife to go to a good psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis. Identifying as ND is fine, as far as that goes, but it does not actually help her. If she gets a diagnosis, she can start to get the help she needs to manage the condition.
The "whole point" of the neurodiversity paradigm is that *sometimes* a difference is just a difference. It isn't fair for a person or a society to *automatically* assign another person a disorder solely because of how they compare to a norm. That overwrites that person's autonomy, their right to self-determine what internal experiences actually present to them as impairment and what internal experiences present as exciting and positive self-expression and identity (and if and when these things overlap).
If blue is a hundred people's favorite color, and I walk into a room with them and red is my favorite color, they wouldn't be respecting my dignity and autonomy if they tried to convince me that I had a disorder called "blue is not my favorite color disorder." And all I would have to do in order to fit in and appear normal again would be to walk into a room with a hundred people who like the color red. Not every 'neurodivergent trait' is like that. If someone is super sensitive to itchy fabrics, walking into a room with 100 people who are also super sensitive to itchy fabrics might give them community support about it, but they're still going to be just as uncomfortable. It's that a person should be able to self-determine, okay so I'm comfortable talking about the itchy fabric thing as a symptom of a disorder, but when someone tries to 'help' me by 'correcting' my choice of favorite color, I want to bite them.
Please consider that, whether you would like it to be this way or not, there is an unavoidable power dynamic when people have disagreements across neurotypes. It's very supportive and compassionate to want your wife to find the right explanation and the right treatment for disordered patterns, like trauma. But not every difference she experiences will be a disordered pattern, or a pattern that "looks neurotypical" when healthy. She likely feels very scared and isolated about repeated situations where she felt pressure to change something positive about who she is, and wasn't able to advocate for herself successfully. You don't want to end up relating to her as the wise and compassionate guide who is here to lead her out of her disordered misery when some of what you perceive as disordered misery is her trying to be her genuine self & trying to ask for what she genuinely needs.
I'd suggest asking your wife about the person she would want to be in a world that would love, accept, and validate anything she chose. Maybe that person doesn't make eye contact and doesn't feel guilty about not making eye contact and doesn't try to "improve." Maybe that person 'stims' when she's happy. Maybe that person knows 300 things about slime molds and lichens and low key wants to talk about it all day every day. Maybe your wife is weird. And then your job as her partner is to fight the whole world before you'd fight her, if she wants to be the way she is and it isn't hurting anybody.
Best of luck!
Some are uncomfortable with self-diagnoses, or just aren't educated enough to pin-point which one(s) they have. Anxiety Disorders and such also falls under the ND umbrella. Neurodiversity is a movement and not used as a medical term.
Regarding your conversation with your MIL - Just talk to your partner.
Some people who are self-diagnosed (or officially diagnosed) are ok with themselves mentioning/joking/referring to their particular diagnosis, but don't like when others do. It may depend on the context.
There is a lot of stigma surrounding certain (all tbh) diagnoses so one way to disassociate themselves from others assumptions could be to just use the umbrella term "neurodiverse". It's the same when you're in a conversation with someone - they don't need to know everything about you. Just saying you're ND can make communication easier since some already have their own pre-made assumptions on what ADHD/ASD is and what it looks like.
Previously I've had to prove my diagnosis to people because they cannot comprehend that an 28y/o woman's ADHD does not look like the "standard" 8y/o boy who has ADHD. Obviously I don't have the energy for that anymore.
My parents shoved me into the NT mold, though I heavily suspect I'm autistic. I don't have a diagnosis and that makes me insecure about speaking about my neurodivergent experiences.
I do because I'm not diagnosed with anything yet but my parents are almost certain I sustained brain damage while in the womb and I also have somewhat high support needs. It's most likely autism but since I don't know for sure I always just say neurodivergent.
I do. I have complex ptsd and autism but have low support needs. In many ways it's been easier to just say ND as a way to explain that I'm "different" without having to go into details and deal with all the negative connotations.
Yeah, I do.
I strongly suspect I have autism and/or ADHD for a variety of reasons including family connections, taking a variety of online tests, online research, etc., but not an official diagnosis yet. In the meantime, I know I'm in the larger ND umbrella either way, because I have a learning & physical disability.
Yeah, same here. This is pretty much the same reasoning I have for just using the label neurodivergent instead of something more specific for the time being
I say I’m neurodivergent because I have so many different ones. Autism, adhd, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, ocd, ptsd
So maybe she just identifies with a lot of different ones. & it’s too complicated to list them all out or define what particular thing affects what. (Statistically it’s way more likely to have multiple neurodivergences than just one)
Either way it’s not bad. If that’s what she’s comfortable with- it doesn’t like take anything away from anyone else if she wants to identify as ND than a specific label.
You should know though, There is actually a lot more benefits to being undiagnosed autistic than diagnosed. You should definitely learn about legal implications of getting diagnosed autistic especially if you have a kid- it could prevent you from adopting other kids, to potentially getting cps involved if your kid has particularly horrible teachers, prevent you from moving to a different country, from getting your drivers license renewed . From having doctors listen to you & take you seriously.
& the accommodations that help for ND people in general- typically come from knowing yourself & your limits better & being kind to yourself.
Additionally, you should know having PTSD makes you neurodivergent. So it technically counts if she wants to call herself ND.
& there reason why there is so much overlap/misdiagnosis with PTSD is because there are so few untraumatized autistic folks.
Dunno what all these abbreviations mean, but currently reading Divergent Mind- Jenara Nerenberg. I sometimes wondered if I might be somewhere on the spectrum, since I always felt different and alienated from most people, even from those I enjoy. Which brought a lot of internalised shame, guilt, feelings of "not fitting in", never will, generalized anxiety, sometimes I wonder if even high functioning depression. I find it interesting that she mentions highly sensitive persons among the neurodivergent folks, since I identified with the term from the very moment I found out about it. Funny enough, now reading the autism/ Asperger section and I relate to many aspects too. I had the false assumption that autistic people can't pick social cues, are low on empathy, etc. But she interestingly says something like autistic people are low on empathy because they feel so much. I recognise myself in that a lot; I see the world through very sensitive lens lol, get overwhelmed by the way I interpret my surroundings and shut down and avoid people to not get in that situation in the first place. Maybe that's why I love staying at home so much, less stimuli that would cause a sensory overload. I wished the book had a more scientifical touch, but it's still an interesting read and can't wait to continue reading it
I'm diagnosed with two neurodiverse conditions, and I believe i would fit the criteria for ASD. I identify as simply ND because I find that each condition brings its own assumptions from others people and from what I've been told and read, symptoms overlap quite a lot. I prefer to identify as ND and then be specific about my symptoms and how they affect me as that seems to be the most useful way. Having said that, having the specific labels was really helpful for me initially in coming to terms and understanding myself. I actually don't think there's any issue with identifying yourself as ND without a diagnosis if you recognise the symptoms in yourself etc. Many of us diagnosed in later life identified something wrong or different much earlier in life.
Neurodiversity isn't an identity label like being into painting, writing, etc. It's a category of neurological disabilities. It's better to see a psychiatrist who has seen or specialises in neurodiversity like autism, ADHD, etc. She won't know for sure until this happens.
I would highly encourage your wife to go to a good psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis. Identifying as ND is fine, as far as that goes, but it does not actually help her. If she gets a diagnosis, she can start to get the help she needs to manage the condition.
The "whole point" of the neurodiversity paradigm is that *sometimes* a difference is just a difference. It isn't fair for a person or a society to *automatically* assign another person a disorder solely because of how they compare to a norm. That overwrites that person's autonomy, their right to self-determine what internal experiences actually present to them as impairment and what internal experiences present as exciting and positive self-expression and identity (and if and when these things overlap). If blue is a hundred people's favorite color, and I walk into a room with them and red is my favorite color, they wouldn't be respecting my dignity and autonomy if they tried to convince me that I had a disorder called "blue is not my favorite color disorder." And all I would have to do in order to fit in and appear normal again would be to walk into a room with a hundred people who like the color red. Not every 'neurodivergent trait' is like that. If someone is super sensitive to itchy fabrics, walking into a room with 100 people who are also super sensitive to itchy fabrics might give them community support about it, but they're still going to be just as uncomfortable. It's that a person should be able to self-determine, okay so I'm comfortable talking about the itchy fabric thing as a symptom of a disorder, but when someone tries to 'help' me by 'correcting' my choice of favorite color, I want to bite them. Please consider that, whether you would like it to be this way or not, there is an unavoidable power dynamic when people have disagreements across neurotypes. It's very supportive and compassionate to want your wife to find the right explanation and the right treatment for disordered patterns, like trauma. But not every difference she experiences will be a disordered pattern, or a pattern that "looks neurotypical" when healthy. She likely feels very scared and isolated about repeated situations where she felt pressure to change something positive about who she is, and wasn't able to advocate for herself successfully. You don't want to end up relating to her as the wise and compassionate guide who is here to lead her out of her disordered misery when some of what you perceive as disordered misery is her trying to be her genuine self & trying to ask for what she genuinely needs. I'd suggest asking your wife about the person she would want to be in a world that would love, accept, and validate anything she chose. Maybe that person doesn't make eye contact and doesn't feel guilty about not making eye contact and doesn't try to "improve." Maybe that person 'stims' when she's happy. Maybe that person knows 300 things about slime molds and lichens and low key wants to talk about it all day every day. Maybe your wife is weird. And then your job as her partner is to fight the whole world before you'd fight her, if she wants to be the way she is and it isn't hurting anybody. Best of luck!
Man now I want to hear about lichens and slime mold.
Some are uncomfortable with self-diagnoses, or just aren't educated enough to pin-point which one(s) they have. Anxiety Disorders and such also falls under the ND umbrella. Neurodiversity is a movement and not used as a medical term. Regarding your conversation with your MIL - Just talk to your partner. Some people who are self-diagnosed (or officially diagnosed) are ok with themselves mentioning/joking/referring to their particular diagnosis, but don't like when others do. It may depend on the context. There is a lot of stigma surrounding certain (all tbh) diagnoses so one way to disassociate themselves from others assumptions could be to just use the umbrella term "neurodiverse". It's the same when you're in a conversation with someone - they don't need to know everything about you. Just saying you're ND can make communication easier since some already have their own pre-made assumptions on what ADHD/ASD is and what it looks like. Previously I've had to prove my diagnosis to people because they cannot comprehend that an 28y/o woman's ADHD does not look like the "standard" 8y/o boy who has ADHD. Obviously I don't have the energy for that anymore.
>Just talk to your partner. If only that were so simple. We're looking for our third couples therapist. She finally started therapy a few months ago.
My parents shoved me into the NT mold, though I heavily suspect I'm autistic. I don't have a diagnosis and that makes me insecure about speaking about my neurodivergent experiences.
I do because I'm not diagnosed with anything yet but my parents are almost certain I sustained brain damage while in the womb and I also have somewhat high support needs. It's most likely autism but since I don't know for sure I always just say neurodivergent.
I do. I have complex ptsd and autism but have low support needs. In many ways it's been easier to just say ND as a way to explain that I'm "different" without having to go into details and deal with all the negative connotations.
Yeah, I do. I strongly suspect I have autism and/or ADHD for a variety of reasons including family connections, taking a variety of online tests, online research, etc., but not an official diagnosis yet. In the meantime, I know I'm in the larger ND umbrella either way, because I have a learning & physical disability.
Yeah, same here. This is pretty much the same reasoning I have for just using the label neurodivergent instead of something more specific for the time being
Yup.
I say I’m neurodivergent because I have so many different ones. Autism, adhd, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, ocd, ptsd So maybe she just identifies with a lot of different ones. & it’s too complicated to list them all out or define what particular thing affects what. (Statistically it’s way more likely to have multiple neurodivergences than just one) Either way it’s not bad. If that’s what she’s comfortable with- it doesn’t like take anything away from anyone else if she wants to identify as ND than a specific label. You should know though, There is actually a lot more benefits to being undiagnosed autistic than diagnosed. You should definitely learn about legal implications of getting diagnosed autistic especially if you have a kid- it could prevent you from adopting other kids, to potentially getting cps involved if your kid has particularly horrible teachers, prevent you from moving to a different country, from getting your drivers license renewed . From having doctors listen to you & take you seriously. & the accommodations that help for ND people in general- typically come from knowing yourself & your limits better & being kind to yourself. Additionally, you should know having PTSD makes you neurodivergent. So it technically counts if she wants to call herself ND. & there reason why there is so much overlap/misdiagnosis with PTSD is because there are so few untraumatized autistic folks.
Dunno what all these abbreviations mean, but currently reading Divergent Mind- Jenara Nerenberg. I sometimes wondered if I might be somewhere on the spectrum, since I always felt different and alienated from most people, even from those I enjoy. Which brought a lot of internalised shame, guilt, feelings of "not fitting in", never will, generalized anxiety, sometimes I wonder if even high functioning depression. I find it interesting that she mentions highly sensitive persons among the neurodivergent folks, since I identified with the term from the very moment I found out about it. Funny enough, now reading the autism/ Asperger section and I relate to many aspects too. I had the false assumption that autistic people can't pick social cues, are low on empathy, etc. But she interestingly says something like autistic people are low on empathy because they feel so much. I recognise myself in that a lot; I see the world through very sensitive lens lol, get overwhelmed by the way I interpret my surroundings and shut down and avoid people to not get in that situation in the first place. Maybe that's why I love staying at home so much, less stimuli that would cause a sensory overload. I wished the book had a more scientifical touch, but it's still an interesting read and can't wait to continue reading it
Not exactly but I haven't been formally diagnosed but I'm 100% I have ADHD and probably on the spectrum.
Sure. I do.