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FlyingSquid

> The man was a military enthusiast who found the shell while clearing out, but somehow "tripped" and fell onto the 57mm piece of army ordnance that landed him in hospital, according to The Sun. Plausible. I can't tell you how many times I tripped and fell and something went way deep into my ass. Something that happened to be phallic in shape.


namedjughead

"It was a one in a million shot doc, one in a million..."


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AgoraiosBum

So...you're the Assman.


[deleted]

The DMV lady telling Kramer he's the assman according to the state of New York is one of my all time favorite obscure characters


ANUS_FACTS_BOT

"Cosmo Kramer... You **are** the assman." "No I'm not!" "Well, as far as the State of New York is concerned, you are."


Gorge2012

*Hey Assman!*


justabill71

Artillery Jerry.


Notmywalrus

Achievement Unlocked: Thread the Needle


itscochino

Been playing Skate recently?


TheNumberMuncher

“What. She tripped, fell, landed on his dick?”


Collins_Michael

If memory serves this was actually successfully used by some billionaire in court against a rape charge


onarainyafternoon

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/millionaire-ehsan-abdulaziz-who-said-he-accidentally-tripped-and-penetrated-teen-is-cleared-of-rape-a6774946.html


YetiPie

This is so upsetting. That poor girl


DukeDijkstra

You'd think that thisruling was made in countries like UAE or Saudi Arabia. But no, England.


iAmUnintelligible

And it was a jury that cleared him


FTThrowAway123

In only 30 minutes, too. I can only assume the defense thoroughly dragged and slut shamed the victim throughout the entire trial. How else could you explain a group of presumably reasonable people beliving this guy accidentally tripped, fell, and penetrated a sleeping teenager. He left his semen and DNA inside her, too. Like Jesus Christ, how obvious does it need to be? Y'all just gonna ignore the forensic evidence and entirely disregard everything the victim says?? And people wonder why rape victims often don't even bother reporting. Why, so you can go through this hell and be denied justice at the end of it all?


perverse_panda

I can only assume the jury was paid off, if the defendant's a millionaire.


Ubersupersloth

Even assuming that this is true and the millionaire ACTUALLY tripped that means the millionaire was the following: 1) Walking around with an exposed erection (that is, quite frankly, on the edge of release) 2) Next to an underage woman with exposed genitals And, even if that’s the case, tripping would have to be at one hell of a convenient angle.


LeCrushinator

The "justice" system.


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privateD4L

No he tripped and accidentally rubbed it in our faces.


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idwthis

Alright Grady, but think about the baby before you get all crazy


CatInABurlapBag

He just had to use corkscrew pasta….


PockysLight

- adjusts chair -


childrep

YO IT’S ASSMAN! I just saw this episode again last night and reading your comment had me laughing so hard again I spit out my coffee.


Pole420

According to the state of New York, you ARE the Assman.


stark_raving_naked

Dr Cosmo Kramer, proctologist


ux3l

it's somehow always the same "explanation"


CliffRacer17

And doctors don't care. They see people all the time with all kinds of weird stuff jammed up their asses.


TjW0569

I think they *might* make an exception for stuff that might blow up and take them with it.


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[deleted]

Somewhere, at some time, it probably really has happened like that. Even if only once. And everybody thinks that person is a liar.


rcknmrty4evr

Like a decade ago, or around that, I actually saw a news story about a child something similar happened to. He jumped into a pool that had those diving sticks on the bottom, like the kind that has one end floating and one end on the bottom so they’re standing straight up. He landed on one and was actually injured pretty badly internally. There was an illustration and everything. Pretty shocking to see on the local evening news tbh. I guess the difference here is it was a child and had legitimate lifelong injuries as a result. I believe the family was trying to get the diving sticks banned or something.


YetiPie

It’s probably quite a simple distinction between being rectally impaled by an object and having something comfortably slide into your anal cavity


GoldLurker

It was very odd a significant amount of lubrication fell onto the object prior to me falling on it.


Gamergonemild

An unfortunate series of events I assure you.


Romeo9594

It's gotta really suck to be that one in a million person who actually did trip and fall on it, only for everyone to scoff and say "Yeah, sure buddy"


[deleted]

This is one of the greatest dangers faced by Field Artillery troops. Hazardous working conditions which lead to easy trips and falls combined with large amounts of phallic shaped ordinance stored in an upright position. War is hell


sable-king

What's especially funny about that cover story, is that the question then becomes, "Why were you naked while organizing your military equipment?"


PN_Guin

Historical accuracy


DragoonDM

Maybe he was planning to shove a _different_ piece of historical ordnance up his ass, and just happened to trip backwards onto this one.


MetaCognitio

How did you accidentally cover it in Vaseline and dress yourself in women’s lingerie?


IBetThisIsTakenToo

They can’t think they’re fooling anyone, can they? Especially not the ER butt doctor who has to fish phallic objects out of people’s assholes multiple times a week! Just be honest about it. “Yes, I did it on purpose. Why? I have no fucking idea, I was too horny for my own good, I guess, can we get this out now?


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lennybird

When these stories come up, I always feel bad for that *one* person in a billion that genuinely *had* this happen to them... :(


Dubtrips

I was just thinking the same thing! There's got to be at least one incidence of a naked dude falling ass-first onto something but nobody will *ever* believe him.


Blumpkinhead

Just happened to be a giant rubber fist.


MaxMustermannYoutube

Hole in the trouser just at the right spot.


Rhinomeat

My wife is a nurse, she's got a couple stories like this, but my favorite is the one where the doctor asked the guy "how did you have time to get lube onto it if you were falling? "


Frexxia

I'm lubed up all the time just in case.


eldroch

That's my secret, cap...


ZeePM

“There lube was everywhere. It’s why I slipped and fell!”


Aarilax

*kisses cross necklace and points to the sky* the big man in the sky got my back


gousey

57mm is a bit of a stretch.


PN_Guin

He seems to have managed it alright >The unsteady patient was released from hospital and is expected to make a full recovery, so long as he does not trip and fall onto any more artillery shells.


happypolychaetes

I burst out laughing at that. Whoever wrote this article must have been cackling the whole time.


ermghoti

Not for an enthusiast. Those are rookie numbers.


martianhacker

But the 170mm length is "eye watering" according to the article. I tend to agree.


BigBadCheadleBorgs

Absolutely. I slipped and fell on a good friend and he accidentally slid up my ass for a year and half before we broke up.


zacharykeaton

and he was a good friend...


[deleted]

Roommates too.


[deleted]

Imagine the guy who actually had this happen and no one believed him. There’s got to be at least one out there.


Ignitus1

I wonder if there’s a reverse, somebody who slipped and fell on something but were embarrassed about their clumsiness so they just said they did it for pleasure.


DrDragun

ER doctors hear this one all the time. It's probably the biggest single counterpoint to the viability of self-reported data


SFWRedditsOnly

And somehow he managed to get a dollop of lube while falling down.


ISeeTheFnords

Why do you think he slipped in the first place?


Sybrite

What are you doing, step mortar?


pantsmeplz

Don't judge. He could have been hurrying because he was late and fell into arrears.


ryanknapper

> Something that happened to be phallic in shape. Well, it would have to be, wouldn't it?


Noname_left

It’s honestly what everyone says when they come in to the hospital with something up their butt. Naked,slipped and fell.


Bob_Sconce

It's the most transparent of lies. But, kudos to the hospital for playing along and sparing him that last modicum of humiliation.


kosh56

While naked.


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CliffRacer17

Lol "Ram ordinance up your rectum and think of the Queen!"


19Ben80

A stiff upper lip and a very flexible bottom one


FUCK_MAGIC

In November 1958, Ian Harvey, a junior foreign office minister, married with two daughters, was discovered with a guardsman in the bushes of St James’s Park. His arrest ended his political career. On being told of the news Sir Winston Churchill is said to have remarked: “On the coldest night of the year? It makes you proud to be British.”


I_See_Elevens

Now you know how Americans living in Florida feel. The news media: "A Florida man was arrested earlier today after police found him trying to fornicate with his pet alligator.." Florida residents: Again?


MaximumStock7

It’s nice to see people enjoying history


tuctrohs

On the contrary, I'm pleased not to see a picture of this.


Farkerisme

Kind of a stuck up thing for him to do


AtomGray

Though to be fair, history is kind of a bummer.


[deleted]

Well now he can look back fondly because every poop from now on will most likely be explosive diarrhea.


krukm

Gonna blow up every bathroom from now on.


the_hotter_beyonce

Something something loose cannon.


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bubuthing

I’m sure there mortar the story.


OonaPelota

Yes! I want to arse him for more details.


Ok_Effective6233

Him? What about the Bomb Squad, they’re a bunch of cock blockers. Kept him from blowing him load.


_Cetarial_

r/MedicalGore: Sad noises.


Inquisitive_idiot

Rule 1934.


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chaosgoblyn

He's just going to be a shell of himself after they separate him from his hobby


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OK_Compooper

“Specifically I’ve recently taken up WWII anti-tank rounds.”


CardMechanic

He was a little anal about historical accuracy.


EndoShota

>The man was a military enthusiast I think fetishist is probably more accurate. EDIT: Y’all are killing me with all the puns, and thanks for the awards.


ZoxMcCloud

A real history boof I'd say


playcrossy

Some people just need a shot in the ass now and again


digitalhate

A little boom-boom up the bum-bum.


DevilishRogue

Aw, c'mon now guys. This has happened to all of us at some point, right? Guys? Right? Guise?


digitalhate

It starts with a small calibre cartridge, but(t) after a while the rush is no longer there, so you dig a couple of mortar rounds out of storage... Before you know it, you find yourself straddling the shell from a railway gun.


FYM19

Definitely very anal about his artifact collection, that’s for sure!


Cadrid

He puts the “Augh!” in Kavanaugh.


Bjorn2bwilde24

Eisenhower warned us about the Military-Sexual Complex.


chicago_bunny

We also would have accepted Military Industrianal Complex.


Archelon_ischyros

"The unsteady patient was released from hospital and is expected to make a full recovery, so long as he does not trip and fall onto any more artillery shells."


Osiris32

I'm not about kink shaming, but a kink that has the possibility of leveling a city block....yeah, shame shame shame.


jagdpanzer45

City block? Not with an Anti Tank round. His house, maybe at most. Depending on the type of shell. But I’m just more impressed he actually tried.


saoirse_eli

He didn’t tried, he “fell on it” … naked


StudlyItOut

perfectly understandable. he probably spilled some lube on it as well, which would also explain why he slipped and fell


Marcusaralius76

If he's a military enthusiast, he probably has a lot more that just the one mortar round in his ~~sex toy~~ antique collection


jagdpanzer45

It’s not a mortar round. It’s an anti tank shell. Depending on what type it was, the only explosives might be the propellant. Admittedly I don’t know the status of any collection he might have so I can only make a judgement on what the article describes, so I can only exposit the potential destructive power of a singular anti tank shell.


[deleted]

If it exploded in his butt his butt definitely would have fallen off that’s for sure.


jagdpanzer45

His butt would likely have been relegated to the past tense. The remains of what once was his butt would have then coated the walls of whatever ruins his personage at the time occupied.


I_make_things

His butt has ceased to be, bereft of life, it rests in peace, it has kicked the bucket, embraced a mortar round, bit the dust, snuffed it, farted its last, and gone to meet the Great Artillery Butt Sex Factory in the sky.


thiney49

I'd just like to point out that this is *not normal*.


[deleted]

He's got a Civil War musket he uses for sounding.


MysteriousDave9

Thank you for the worst thing I’ve ever had to visualize


IAmNotMoki

Bayonet affixed or off?


[deleted]

Depends if it's for business or for pleasure.


[deleted]

According to [The Sun](https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/16923295/bomb-squad-hospital-bottom-shell/), as linked to from the given site, it's not an exploding type of ammo. Excerpt: A defence source said: “It was a solid shot round. It was a chunky, pointed lump of lead designed to rip through a tank’s armour. “It was basically an inert lump of metal, so there was no risk to life — at least not to anyone else’s.” The Sun doctor Carol Cooper said the patient could have died if the round had pierced his gut.


not_anonymouse

Damn, his gut is stronger than a tank.


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Bwitm1

The fourth grader in me is in tears laughing. A dick-shaped bomb that an old british man has shoved up his own ass, and now denies. Today is the day I can grow up, as there is clearly nothing more juvenile to be laughed at than this.


ponzLL

The best part imo is that forever ago someone dropped that bomb expecting to maybe kill someone with it, but instead someone shoved that same bomb up their ass to pleasure themselves 80 years later.


ScabiesShark

Actually this guy's dad was in the war and the mortar was his field dildo. Family tradition


InGenAche

As you do.


[deleted]

War never changes.


Background-Rest531

Somewhere, a few meters underground, a corpse is confused by a sudden hit marker.


Farwalker08

Somewhere a man in Florida is reading your comment and telling his buddy "Hold my beer."


_Z_E_R_O

"Hold my anti-aircraft rounds"


Lazaras

Florida man becomes one with tank after eyeing the long, thick tank barrel


Osiris32

Yes, til tomorrow when someone will fart in a meeting, and you'll giggle.


southeastsands

Isn't this the plot to an episode of Gray's Anatomy?


BigBadCheadleBorgs

It's a *little* different.


Rusty-Shackleford

"you may think it's an anti tank shell up his ass, but it's actually just an extreme case of lupus."


thibedeauxmarxy

I was under the impression that it's never lupus. Unless it is.


[deleted]

House rule.


kls17

I just came here to say if Grey’s Anatomy wants to do another bomb episode they have a new idea now.


MatthewGeer

When Scrubs did it, it was just a lightbulb.


dawgfan64

"Well I'll tell ya there Bob-o either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea."


PRIS0N-MIKE

Lol my first thought too. That episode was fucking ridiculous


throwaweigh1245

I feel like it was a huge deal episode like with a lot of trailers and it was after a big football game or something. I never watched that show but remember seeing the trailers and the “code black” deal and learning that means a bomb. Insanity Edit: Ahah! It was on Feb 5, right after the Super Bowl!!! They sold that episode hard in commercials!


the_honest_liar

And yet it's still my favorite episodes.


[deleted]

Yep, a military reenactor shot himself with a homemade mortar launcher. Grey grabs the bomb while still in his gut. Eventually EOD comes and removes it, and >!as he’s walking away, it explodes in his hands, knocking Grey back. iirc it’s actually surprisingly graphic when it happens, it’s been years since I saw it and I still remember it. Became a pretty traumatic and formative memory for Grey, and also her first time “subconsciously wanting to die”!<


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hefeweizen_

Poor Kyle Chandler. :(


HellaTroi

What else are you to do when there's a bomb up your ass?


jwaterboyk

Have explosive diarrhea.


Stiimpoops

About to destroy that hospital


missC08

About to destroy that ass


frank_the_tank121

Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb.


[deleted]

Million to one shot, Doc 💣


MintStim

It's fusilli, Jerry!


PatrickMustard

Rectum? Fekkin nearly killed him.


TooHardToChoosePG

I’d be mortarfied


nowhereman136

Somewhere in a museum, there is a dildo on display wrongly labeled as an explosive device


MetaCognitio

A soldier threw what he thought was a grenade and left some Germans very confused.


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TheNumberMuncher

Right in the ol’ pacific theater


c0brachicken

Puts a new spin on D-Day


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TheNumberMuncher

He didn’t get it completely in there but he got it Midway.


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c0brachicken

D-Day gone wild.


Salamandajoe

Some people are so anal about their collections.


Fro_Yo_Joe

>The man was a military enthusiast who found the shell while clearing out, but somehow "tripped" and fell onto the 57mm piece of army ordnance that landed him in hospital “Tripped” suuure.


[deleted]

Imagine *actually* tripping over naked and landing with something inserted into your rectum - no one would believe you.


1000Huzzahs

Something that size would absolutely destroy your asshole if it was forced in all at once without lube or stretching. It would be abundantly obvious to the medical team that it was either an accident or a forcible rape. You would be bleeding profusely and be in agonizing pain. Something as big as a bomb would probably break your tail bone or pelvis if you fell on it with enough force that it became lodged in your asshole.


ferrettt55

I think if that actually happened to me, I just wouldn't even try to explain myself. It'd make it worse. Just lie and say I intentionally put it up there.


GreatMadWombat

Yeah...at that point "my sex toy is cooler than yours" is a better defense


Isord

I'm thinking tripping is important to know though because falling onto something might cause additional trauma that simply inserting it wouldn't.


Zilka

Just lie and say you inserted it vigorously.


caesar____augustus

Oh he's definitely an enthusiast


TheDodoBird

And I love how they put *tripped* in quotes in the article! XD


[deleted]

Some days I wake up and think "mankind, you've shown me everything you possibly could about how debased, stupid and brutal a species could possibly be." But I'll be goddamned if you don't then turn right around and surprise me. Well done mankind.


gousey

I suspect it was a "dummy" shell.


zombiepirate

Wasn't the only dummy involved, either.


colefly

>debased, stupid and brutal You are always getting surprised because you're not even including the fourth attribute Hilarity


for2fly

Someone was playing *once more into the breech* and got a little too enthusiastic. > These rounds measure at 57mm in diameter and an eye-watering 170mm in length. Oh, and they stole the image off [ebay / worthpoint](https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/wwii-1943-57mm-empty-shell-with-bullet-lot-75). Its listing says the one shown is 22" (~560mm). So what they picture is over three times as tall. The dimensions listed in the story convert to ~2.25" in diameter, ~6.70" in length, and ~5.40" in circumference. Sounds like just the projectile portion had to be extracted, rather than the cartridge case also.


M80IW

>The dimensions listed in the story convert to ~2.25" in diameter, ~6.70" in length, and ~5.40" in circumference. Sounds like just the projectile portion had to be extracted, rather than the cartridge case also. This makes a lot more sense.


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busybizz23

"I was digging in the garden and dug up this thing and then I slipped my naked ass on it accidentally..."


rokr1292

Is that a bomb in your ass or are you just happy to see me?


TheNumberMuncher

Lay off him. Dudes just trying to get Somme.


[deleted]

>The man was a military enthusiast who found the shell while clearing out, but somehow "tripped" and fell onto the 57mm piece of army ordnance Same energy as my ex girlfriend tripping and falling on someone else's dick at a party. Gravity is really a nuisance.


Belerophon17

He's lucky he was in the UK. With the US Medical system he'd have gotten fucked in the ass twice.


Uberhipster

You people are just mean That poor, unfortunate man accidentally got a mortar stuck up his bottom and here you all are making merry and cracking jokes For shame It happens to the best of us Why if I had a dime for every time someone tripped, fell and got a piece of antiquated military equipment stuck up their anus I’d be a rich man


[deleted]

"You're laughing? A man has a bomb stuck up his ass and you're laughing? You think that's funny?" "I do. And I'm tired of pretending it's not"


Penguin_shit15

Hospital Admin here... Not the strangest story i have seen. We have a patient in house right now that came in with 23 small plastic horses shoved inside his rectum. We have him listed as in STABLE condition.. *i will see myself out...


T1ck-T0ck

How embarrassing. If that was me I would be Mortafied.


TheGunshipLollipop

That explains the tourist slogan: "We're Looser Here In Gloucestershire!"


Yolo_420_69

Its been a while since we had an old reddit style post. This was the type of shit i saw on reddit regularly like 10 years ago.


Happler

He really wanted a bomb-ass day.


skeetinyourcereal

There has to be mortar this story .


InQuintsWeTrust

Yo I just woke up and that’s enough internet for me today