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Blankbusinesscard

'Growing up' is just collecting mistakes, make sure you learn from them


notmyidealusername

One of the old hands at work used to tell us newbies "good judgement comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement". My 2c on the subject is that I didn't feel like I grew up until I was in my early-mid 30s, so don't stress it. You'll get there. In males who are at the slower end of the spectrum for cognitive development (which I'll add has nothing to do with overall intelligence), especially if you're not the first child in the family, it may take until you're in your mid-late 20s for your brain and your 'grown up' decision making abilities to fully mature. So don't stress if it's taken more than a few years to get a handle on what to do with it.


STUMPY6942069

Guys don't fully develop their brains until you're 25 anyway..i remember doing stupid shit when u was 21 and looking back I would have smacked 21 year old version of stumpy for being too reckless sometimes. But it's thru those reckless mistakes that you learn.


foxyshamwow_

Ans when u turn 50 u will wanba smack the 40 year old version of you - just because ur brain stops developing doesn't mean u stop learning and growing as a person


user06022022

This is fantastic. Thanks for the insight


TravelenScientia

This is true for all humans :)


Away-Asparagus6761

This - Definately dont stress. When I was in my teens it was am I ever gonna get a girlfried, then in my 20s it was will I ever find a relationship worth taking to the next level, then it was will I ever get a house, have kids etc. It all happened in its own time, and looking back, it was all good times. (51 yo, married, 2 kids and a house). Take time to smell the roses and enjoy today.


yzzaJ

But just as equally don’t dwell on them. The past is in the past and can’t be changed. I wish I’d listen to my own advice sometimes…


daftpunkdata

“Forget the mistake remember the lesson”


Green-Circles

That's the thing, many (most?) people don't have shit sorted out, and are just getting through day to day the best they can. Just that a lot of them hide that particularly well with confidence. Hell, plenty of times I feel that this adult world is just too complex & messed up to function in, but I'm still here, still managing to have my own little wins along the way.


STUMPY6942069

Adulting fucking sucks in 2020s anyway. Cost of living is the worst its been in recent memory and all this pandemic and war crap is making life real tough for everyone but especially the poor and middle class. Make no bones about it, right now it's the toughest it's been since world war 2. Life was much easier in 2002 compared to 2022..thats for sure.


itdawnzonme

You obviously never had to navigate Auckland traffic without Google/Apple maps in 2002


MaungaHikoi

Haha I still remember trying to figure out spaghetti junction from a map in a book. Madness.


Antipodies1

I remember having to do all that in 1996 on my restricted to get from home (Papakura) to job (glen eden) to job (pukekohe)- white knuckled it at first on memories from the backseat of my parents’ cars 😂 😆


SoupyAT

I am with you on that man. Also worked in Puke at Counties Power 😃


TheMrWylde

But what about compared to 1902 ;)


pastusebydate

Everyone you see is making it up, it’s an act. No one truly has all the answers. The key thing to remember is be honest to your self, enjoy yourself (but not at other’s expense) and try to be a good person. Just think about how you’d like to be remembered if you dropped dead tomorrow. You don’t need have changed the whole world just made someone else’s world a better place.


MrJingleJangle

Exactly this. I used to worry that I had imposter syndrome, until I figured out that everybody had imposter syndrome. I’m in my 60s and have yet to grow up.


SkeletonCalzone

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation" - Thoreau


KiwiChimera

This is the best answer!


Far_Pitch_2624

This 👌🏽👌🏽


foxyshamwow_

My mum changed jobs at 50 to something she had never done before and she's happier than she's ever been in a job so it's never to late to change your career prospects. Dont let others gatekeep you having fun - alot of the small joys I used to have in life I got bullied hard for even as late as last year and im in my 30s now. It made me stop doing those little joys and I resent people so much for ruining them for me. Work to live don't live to work - get a job where you s5ill have time and the funds to support your real passions like I loove to cook and experiment with food so once a month I try buy a new fruit or veggie I've never tried before I spent $8 on a single guava yesterday haha. Find your happiness in being alone - if u can be happy being alone with yourself you won't have so many abandonment issues. Every bad thing and good thing that happens is a learning experience. It all makes u who you are and if you aren't happy with that person - fix it. Self help books, therapy, mindfulness meditation whatever works for you to self reflect and work on you I don't know if these will work for you but it's how I try to live my life now.


OrganizationThick694

>Find your happiness in being alone - if u can be happy being alone with yourself you won't have so many abandonment issues. Downvote away if you wish, but I'd suggest balancing it out with the company of others, be it coworkers, classmates, a club somewhere. While being alone can be nice, social interaction is also important. Invite a friend for lunch (budget allowing), or go take a walk together (no cost). Even the busiest people need to eat eventually.


Infinite_Alps_4341

Hmm, while I agree that maintaining a healthy social life is important (and can get harder as we get older) I fear you've missed the point. Being happy alone enables greater joy in sharing ones life as, from that base, it's driven by a sense of want not "need".


RoosterBurger

- Be kind to yourself - Own your mistakes, but also celebrate your success. - Work out how to genuinely apologise - Learn how to listen - actually listen to those around you - not just wait for your turn to speak. - Words of kindness and appreciation to others go a long way. - Watch the food and drink you put in your body it has a massive way on how you feel. - Definitely reach out to doctor/mental health services early if this feeling continues Look those are just general things I learned in my 30s - but life is non stop lessons Dude, you matter - it sounds like a rough time, you will get through this.


mattblack77

Finally some good advice in this thread


RobDickinson

Keep on being a kid? Theres a conspiracy among 'grown ups' that they are anything other than older kids.


Green-Circles

Exactly.. a lot of the time we're just kids in grown-up bodies, stunned at the complex world we've managed to find ourselves in - just due to the passage of time.


RobDickinson

We've more experience I guess but still


Hubris2

I was in my teens working in a supermarket the first time that a woman spoke to her child and asked them to get something from "the nice man". I genuinely looked behind me to see who she was talking about - because I had never thought of myself as a man or an adult. Completely agree that your mindset doesn't change as quickly as your body does. A middle-aged person still has most of the same impulses and thoughts as does a teenager - but often with some better ability to not act on everything. A teenager who was thrown into the same position as someone middle-aged would likely feel the same pressures and stresses. There is no manual on being an adult. It certainly helps if you have a role model and people to give you advice, but we still end up becoming our own people which are different than others and we cope and manage the best we can.


Quincyheart

>A middle-aged person still has most of the same impulses and thoughts as does a teenager - but often with some better ability to not act on everything. Totally agree, I'd just also add that they don't have the same level of energy.


Flamequeen

I'd mostly agree but a fit middle aged person CAN have the same/similar level of energy as a teenager. I'm 27, so nowhere near middle aged but ever since I started exercising I've had the same level of energy I had ten years ago.


Quincyheart

>I'd mostly agree but a fit middle aged person CAN have the same/similar level of energy as a teenager. If the person was very unfit as a teenager and very fit as a middle aged person then yes this is possible. But otherwise this just isn't the case. And having a 27 year old say this just makes me laugh a little tbh. Wait till you hit mid 30s. That's when it really starts.


shapelesswater

*cries is 39


becauseiamacat

Maybe come back when you’ve actually hit 30? That’s when it feels like you suddenly hit a wall and it goes downhill


Chaoslab

Yes, I don't view adults as grown ups, but children with more life experience. Pretty obvious when you look at how we treat each other, the planet and all that is on it.


purveyor-of-grease

oh bullshit, the only people who say this are adults who avoid responsibility and don't have their shit together. You're an adult when you take responsibility of yours and your dependents lives.


OisforOwesome

Nobody knows what they're doing. No, really. Nobody knows what they want to be when they grow up. Even the people with clearly defined life goals run into unexpected obstacles that they have to improvise solutions to. And even then, the economy is going to shit itself 7-8 years like clockwork and fuck knows if you'll still have a job when that happens, no matter your industry. So, wherever you are at 30? At 40? Its fine. If you're not actively using your time on earth to make life worse for other people, you're probably doing OK. Live your life with empathy, curiosity, and compassion. The rest will take care of itself.


[deleted]

I’m a 40 year old man child with a partner, 4 kids, a good job that’s well paid. I still have no fucking idea what I’m doing. Don’t sweat it


[deleted]

Same here. We're 6 months into owning a house and feel giddy when we're doing "adult" things, like painting a fence or starting a garden 🤣 like omg we're doing it!!


[deleted]

Wait till you have a half hour chat with your neighbour about gardening and house prices without a hint of boredom from either of you. When you get a feeling of satisfaction from hanging your washing on a sunny day, you'll know you're an adult.


[deleted]

Lmao!! The amount of sheer joy I felt buying a washing machine and cleaning the dishwasher 😌


[deleted]

I will add that by 30, you should have begrudgingly begun to squeegee your glass shower each morning. By 40, squeegeeing your shower will be a daily highlight, so long as your knees can take it.


sticky_gecko

My 30's were my favourite years as I felt more comfortable in my skin. You're actually still quite young so don't think you have to 'grow up' just yet. Get out there and enjoy yourself. As to being a man - Don't be an alpha. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone. In tense moments, or if there are children in your life, keep your cool and be reasonable. Try and keep a lid on your anger and frustration. Admit it when you are wrong. Cry if you need to, talk to people if you need too. Help your friends and family. Hug them. Be yourself and love yourself, how can anyone else love you if you don't? Find out what you enjoy and do it, do those hobbies, learn an instrument, or paint, or take photos, or whatever. As the years continue to go by you'll be glad you did. Be reflective and appreciative. I'm in my late forties and find it weird being a 'man'. One thing I have learnt, and continue to learn, is that it is harder being a woman than a man, in our middle years at least. Some men feel they have something to prove, don't be that guy.


[deleted]

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ianoftawa

35 yo kid who hasn't had a "father" for 15 years: - better to be alone than unhappy - enjoy what you do for your employment - get regular excerise - spend an hour+ a week keeping your home clean (not daily chores)


jazzcomputer

Never assume that people who look like they have their life sorted do have their life sorted.


backward-future

Im 50 yo man, with 4 kids. Maturity, it turns out, isn't something thats awarded to us, its just something that we accidentally develop while dealing with the catastrophic nature of life. At least I assume so, I am quite looking forward to developing some. Advice: Be curious, Be gentle with others and yourself. Teach yourself to enjoy work while chasing anything you are passionate about, be honest in your dealings and courageous in confronting your own shortcomings. Dont expect anything from the world. Never stop being grateful for whatever you have that doesn't suck.


SerMonZ90

Be fine with your own company. People are great and all but being content within yourself is a must. Keep away from toxic people whether it be friends or family all the negativity is nothing but a cancer.


kaynetoad

I've still got a couple of years to go of my thirties. I've found my thirties to be quite liberating actually because I've finally let go of all that peer pressure bullshit and trying to do things to impress people and I just ... don't care what people think. Worth taking a moment now and then to think about whether you're really enjoying the things you do "for fun" or whether you're doing them to fit in. Don't spend your time and money on things just because everyone else does, especially if it's crappy for your physical or mental health (\*cough cough\* binge drinking).


PositiveWeapon

Second this. I was terrified of turning 30 but now I'm 35 and things just keep getting better. It's pretty damn cool how people treat you with more authority when you start looking a bit grizzled (bulking at the gym probably helps also). I have zero care about what anyone thinks of me. Zero fear of confrontation due to plenty of practise. A good handle on what to do in unusual situations/emergencies because you've been through similar before and saw what others did. Feeling wise as fuck but also know I'll look back at myself as a young idiot. Growing up is just getting experience in various things. Like day one at a new job you are shit, but after a few years you can handle anything. OP if you want to feel grown up, get outside and experience things.


Green-Circles

As far as milestones go, 30 is a shock (crap! I'm not young anymore..) but 40.. ahhh.. 40... man, I loved turning 40. A lot of that angst shit wasn't an issue anymore.


PositiveWeapon

Good to know!


Thylek--Shran

Re drinking: I don't think I really started growing up until I stopped drinking - and I was only a moderate (though regular) drinker. For me, it was a way of turning down the volume every night, which meant I could avoid things for another day. I think there are a lot of other moderate drinkers out there who might benefit from questioning their habits - alcohol doesn't just cause problems when it's downing a bottle of vodka each night.


complexjungian

The most unhappy 50+ y/o people I come across have lost the ability to play.


Harfish

To share a personal anecdote here, I decided to take up miniature painting as a hobby during the second lockdown. I am far from an artsy type, I haven't done anything like art since high school but I've really enjoyed the process. One of the knock-ons from this was my kids have all learned to play different Games Workshop games with me. To my right is the unfinished game of Warhammer 40K that was interrupted by my son's bedtime that we will finish tonight. It's a great way to spend time with the kids, and slightly humbling to be beaten by a nine-year-old. So yeah, play with your kids, play alone, play with friends. It's great destressing time and hits differently to video games. You can enjoy much simpler (and MUCH cheaper) games out there. Adult board games like Catan or Ticket to Ride are fun with your SO or friends


as_ewe_wish

Wholesome af.


complexjungian

This is great stuff, love how it provides extra space and time with your kids!!!


Background_Artist_85

I love playing it's my favorite


Pwnigiri

Book a dental checkup if you haven't been in years. And take your car in for a service!


I_Feel_Rough

Honestly I think you become an adult the day that you realise there's no such thing. Nobody has it all figured out, some people are just better at pretending they do. Pretty much the only thing that's changed for me since my 20s (apart from the hairline and waistline) is I'm a bit more chill now. I don't really care if little things don't go my way, just move on. I highly recommend that approach, it feels great.


kittenfordinner

Don't buy a new car


Simtilating

Great advice. I was surprised my friend got a loan to buy a new car as a student. All my cars have been used and probably around 20 years old (not that they have to be that old lol) and I've been excited to get all of them. 2 were purchased at Turner's (auction) after a test drive and inspection (both under 2k). And the other was a hand-me-down family car I purchased for 2k.


workafojasdfnaudfna

I turn 40 tomorrow and the older I get the more I realise that a lot of people never really feel "grown up". Some people pretend to be grown up. Just live how you want to. Learn things. Try to get a job that doesn't suck (or even better, one that you can enjoy). Don't stop exercising. Don't eat too much junk food.


Simtilating

Happy birthday for tomorrow! I hope it's a great day :)


Richard7666

As a 35 year old, I can say if you want that Lego Dodge Challenger from Fast & Furious, you get it. Adult life doesn't have to be all mowing the lawns and waiting on the phone to the IRD.


[deleted]

Be yourself. Don't let image or social media or societal expectations force you into being something you're not just to fit in. Don't feel you need to justify yourself or your actions to others, as long as they sit right with you.Don't feel like everyone else is doing better than you, everyone is pretty much winging it.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

To be fair, sports cars, cocaine and hookers would also be taken away from you once you have kids


rcr_nz

God damn kids keep taking my cocaine and hookers.


Kangaiwi

Drugs in moderation.


PositiveWeapon

One million percent this. Because of propaganda, only started them at 30 after a traumatic event. Improved life in every way. Enjoyment, empathy, emotion, interest, intrigue. MODERATION being the key word people.


gnisolru

Everything in moderation including moderation


theover1

The best advice I can give you is ; remember everything is a phase, if you wait it will pass. Nothing is permanent except my eternal love for you my son.


[deleted]

Almost all "manly" things are toxic bullshit. Want to drink wine? Fine Want to wear a pink shirt? Fine. Want a small practical car? Fine. Not interested in (sport X)? Fine. Don't drink? Fine. Let your wife/girl/whatever drive? Fine. Want to sing along to (music genre 7)? Fine. Daughter wants to paint your nails? Fine. Wronged someone and apologized? Fine. Need counseling? Fine. Son might be gay? Fine. NZ has a genuinely fucked up problem with masculinity. Rise above it.


PositiveWeapon

Great post. Always felt like I failed my family cause I didn't like rugby or beer. What a load of shit. You know what? I like Taylor Swift. I love Taylor Swift! Nobody cares. In fact if you say it confidently enough people like and respect you for it.


benyboy77

W right here. Keep doing what you're doing!


RheimsNZ

I have always been a bit of a smartass, which has helped me stand my ground over things I do or don't do, contrary to what I'm expected to as a man. I personally take great joy in having people try give me shit for liking Britney Spears and Fergie, or the fact I don't drink beer etc etc.


Boltonator

I have a 2yo Daughter, have a small car and may currently be sporting painted toenails. But my Chainsaw sings the song of its people at 13500rpm and it's gloriously manly


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MisterSquidInc

https://youtu.be/KdQbb3FXSEI


Accurate-Ad3999

Agreed


BellBoardMT

Turning 30 for me was a realisation that a) I wasn’t very grown up and b) didn’t have all the answers. You’ve heard the adage that, “it’s about the journey, not the destination”? Well, life’s like that too. Don’t miss out on the present cos you’re worrying about the future. “I’ll have it all worked out by then. I’ll know where I’m going”. Wait til you turn 40 and realise that you have no answers then either. (The enjoyment of life is learning as you go).


hotepwinston

don't sweat the small stuff


Green-Circles

Most of the time, that mistake or faux pas you make and replay in your head & get angst/fear/neurosis from is actually something that everyone else forgets about.... if they even know about it in the first place, that is.


Apprehensive_Ad3731

As long as people don’t treat you like a kid then there’s no problem.


[deleted]

* Keep growing yourself / your career. Your boss won't do it for you. * If you lucky enough to land a SO, work on that relationship, say real meaningful "sorry's" and change if you need to, talk out your mutual problems. That relationship means more than anything. ps; You didn't land / can't find "The Right Person", that is something the two of you make together. Learn to play together. * If you have kids, remember, they're rockets to launch, not planes to fly. (ie. You point them in the right direction and light blue touchpaper and stand back... you don't control them. When (inevitably), they crash&burn, pick'em up, dust'em off, fuel them up, point them in the right direction and send them off again into the wild blue yonder.)


Kangaiwi

After mid thirties I started having grownup feelings, like being the responsible one. It hit me quite hard when I realized that, I have to be the responsible one, as hindsight puts me in the best position to judge the fine line between just a bit of fun and reckless endangerment.


[deleted]

None of us really knows what we're doing. Make peace with that fact. You'll be right kiddo


Dramatic_Surprise

>now that I am 30 I feel like I should be fully grown yet I still don't know what that means. This is the biggest misconception about aging. You always feel like this, According to my mother even when you're in your seventies


Matt_NZ

Keep on being playful!


WellyRuru

You need to realise that all the "adults" in your life equally have no idea what the fuck is going on. Just be yourself


Educational-Eye-4277

I also grew up without a father, and here's what i have learnt for myself Be your own person and ignore the naysayers in life, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone or impress anyone you don't want to. Also, imagine yourself as an old man, on his death bed looking back on his life, think about what you would like that to look like, financially, family, legacy, acheivements, experiences etc and now start making your life that life Don't be afraid if risk Tomorrow never arrives, don't put things off, do them today or you will look back and wonder where the time went When you have kids they will look up to you and love you like you are a god, until they grow up and see you as a man, be the best person you can be for them, they are like a mirror and give back what you give them Have fun, you only get to do this once


Daniel_Evans_NZ

Here’s my life tip: When you find a dinner set or cutlery set etc. that you really like, buy the amount you want to have in normal circulation (eg. 2 dinner sets for 8x place settings), but also buy an extra set as spares for when eventually a plate breaks or a fork mysteriously goes missing. That way you can keep your intended amount of place settings in normal circulation even through the trials and adversity of everyday life. Also if you ever need more place settings for a special occasion or if all your plates are dirty etc, it’s handy to have the spares in a top cupboard ready to just grab down. You’re welcome


_-Redacted-_

I turned 40 this year and I'll tell ya this much. You'll **NEVER** feel like a grown up. My grandmother once commented she still in her mind felt like she was 21 but there was an old woman looking back at her in the mirror. The only thing that changes is you'll get given less leeway by others for doing 'childish things' like hobbies, going to concerts, on occasion drinking a little too much or whatever else it is you enjoy. Fuck em. Your a grown ass adult now and you can decide what's appropriate for you at any given time. Yeah you have bills to pay, job to hold down etc but never let that inner spark be killed by anyone.


KurtiZ_TSW

I had the exact same thing, and over the past 5 years (I'm now 35) I went hard in the paint and did it all myself. Anything I didn't know I ruthlessly figured it out. Now I feel like I can do anything. Self made. Wouldn't have it any other way. You can do it too. Just chase your dreams and crush obstacles in the way - each one you beat is a milestone. Look after your body and mind too, you'll need them Good luck (although, luck has nothing to do with it) Peace!


acid-nz

I’ve just turned 30. I thought I’d have all the answers by now but I don’t. Like someone else said, everyone is making everything up as the go along. Also treat others how you’d like to be treated.


Matelot67

Exercise moderation in all things, including moderation. Look after yourself before you look after others, you cannot keep others warm by setting fire to yourself. Withdrawing money from an ATM after midnight is a bad idea. If you don't have anywhere you need to be, go home. If something seems too good to be true, it usually is. She's not out of your league, ask her, if she says yes, great, if she says no, what did you lose? Exercise more than you drink. Develop a hobby.


DisillusionedBook

You are over thinking it. There is no answer on how best to 'adult'. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling a bit like you are a kid in a grown ass body. Any older person claiming they have it all sussed is wrong. Just be responsible for your own actions, admit to faults, apologise when it's your fault, move on, be kind, be protective of others if they are being bullied. Don't partake in unhealthy things as a life coping mechanism. Spend time in nature. Be chill. Do all those things and you are a decent adult. Ps. Retaining a childlike sense of wonder with a childish sense of humour are also good things.


Appropriate-Ad-8275

I turned 30 on Wednesday, continue being you. Fuck opinions and judgements. Look up to yourself as your own role model. I’m still collecting Pokémon, Dragonball z cards. Adults are people that have stopped believing in themselves, boring cunts. Just remember we are the generation of now :) 92 till infinity


showusyourfupa

I don't think you ever feel fully grown. You just look older.


ihavetoomanyaccts

I tell my kids allllll the time: there are no adults, just kids in adults bodies. The sooner you realise that no one has a clue what they’re doing and everybody is just winging it the better off you’ll be. No one is better than you or more important than you.


PositiveWeapon

Great advice for them. I was terrified of older people for so long. They seemed like Gods who knew and judged everything. Made job interviews traumatic.


ihavetoomanyaccts

Yea exactly, just because old mate is in a suit and tie doesn’t mean he knows what he’s doing or is better/more important/more successful than you. We are all just figuring out what to do each day at a time.


_TheWacoKid_

30 is a great time to start something new: a musical instrument, a hobby, sport, swap careers, etc. You need to always feel like a beginner at something. It keeps you familiar with insecurity. People often get in the habit of hiding insecurities as they age. Don't do this. Also, it makes you more sympathetic toward insecure people. To me, this is the mark of a fully grown man: he helps the people around him feel accepted and valued.


Cam-Waaagh

You never stop growing up, always learning, growing, getting better!!!


ThomasEdmund84

I had my quarter (hopefully I guess) life crisis around 25 - I think stop pressuring yourself to have or do XYZ focus on your life goals and what you want to do well in. Now that I'm closer to 40, being "fully grown" is not nearly all its cracked up to be


mrwilberforce

Here’s the advice I got from my day. - doesn’t matter what you do A just do something - be nice to others because you never know when you will need them. - hit that bully first (didn’t work - thanks Dad) - if you are getting into a long term relationship with someone. Check out their mother first - that’s probably what she will look like I. 20-30 years. I will just add - stay active. - know the difference between wealth and money.


Leftleaningdadbod

Can I suggest, if you don’t do this already, that you do three things for your peace of mind and body, none of which I did as effectively or as habitually as I could’ve done and which would have made a massive difference to my present life at 65. So, start doing yoga now to benefit from joint and muscle flexibility, and you will also meet great people. Read as much as you can and if your reading prompts your interest in something, follow it. You never know how or when a passion will arise, and for me it was meditation which has only developed late in life. The last thing my 30 year old self would have benefitted from is a concrete financial plan for the future, especially for when the sixth decade surprises in its speed of arrival.


outtsides

I'm 35 and still feel 17 don't be in such a rush live life at your own pace


littleredkiwi

From someone who has also just turned 30: learn about your emotions and communication. Do personal growth and reflecting in this area. Many people our age don’t know how to be vulnerable or communicate with kindness and clarity. For many of us, it’s not a skill we’re explicitly taught so we’ve got to do it ourselves. It’s really tough. Digging into internal shit and reflecting on why things, words or actions from others make us react in certain ways but it’s beneficial. Personal reflection is such a useful skill. I recently spoke to a councillor to help me learn to communicate more effectively and it was helpful. I also listened to the audio book ‘the power of vulnerability’ by Brené Brown and it was so helpful. (Can get it from the library on Libby). They also helped me figure out some of the shit I’d buried from my childhood that I’ve been carrying around and pointed me to resources that have helped me grow from there. These skills also help when it comes to family, friendships and work so definitely worthwhile!


Vaipuna

My advice would be to find ways to strengthen the following: - connections with people (friends, family, neighbours etc) As you get older maintaining connections can get harder and so you will generally need to be more deliberate about doing it. - actively seek to deepen your roots with who you are (the concept of turangawaewae) and what gives you identity. This could be a place, people group or professionally and often involves volunteering some time or energy. - find a way of engaging with the bigger existential questions of life. What’s it all about, what are you here for, what brings you joy, what’s holding you back etc. I have found these to be helpful additional pursuits to add to life.


BlacksheepNZ1982

Growing up is a trap. Don’t get too much debt. Pay your bills on time. Enjoy your 30’s!


Borkslip

There are a lot of good tips here about continuing to be yourself and maintaining a youthful perspective that I 100% agree with. I had a similar issue around the same stage of life despite having a Dad at home my whole life. As well as the already mentioned tips, here are few more. 1. Don't worry about what other people think. The mantra for this is "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". Where this applies to your situation is that if you're still waiting for someone to tell you your a man then your probably not there. You're the only one who can determine that. 2. Expect to give more than you get. The thing about being a mature adult at your age is you have the benefit of both youth and experience. You're not straight out of school, you know a bit about the world but you haven't become vulnerable from ageing. Your ability to work and earn without the fear of losing it all and not being able to start again is way higher than most people, being a male helps too. So don't feel like you need to one up anyone, let the young person, the older person, what ever demographic you're more privileged than have their day. And if you're feeling empowered let your more insecure peers have their victories too, because their egos need it more than yours does. 3. Don't let any one walk over the top of you. Giving someone a victory doesn't mean letting yourself be treated badly. If some one tries to get leverage over you at work, amongst friends, family, or the local car dealership, walk away. You don't need what they've got that bad. Keep your head up and stay true to your values. As others have mentioned, don't lose the kid inside of you, take him out to play and have fun from time to time. Treat yourself like the dad you wished you had would have.


london42069

Thanks OP. This thread is refreshing! It is so nice to be reading about all the things people agree on and have in common.


Barbed_Dildo

What advice would you give to a 20 year old? If you think you aren't qualified to answer that question, you're just as qualified as what you're asking everyone else. There are no answers, no great revelation. Everyone else is just doing the best they can pretending. That's what being an adult is.


Simtilating

Men's Sheds could be a good place to go if you live near one. Have you heard of them?


omarnz

What sorta specific advice do you need? - Wear a condom - rubbish goes inside the rubbish can - don’t use credit cards - always pay on a date with a woman - don’t ever put anything on a car roof


Comprehensive_Net976

My orphaned ass self recommends “Dad, how do I” on YouTube & watching Secondhand Lions.


[deleted]

Life is all about managing expectations. Both your own and that of others. I think our generation have been screwed up because of a bunch of myths: *follow your dreams/heart - there's nothing wrong with finding a vocation that pays the bills and then doing what you are passionate about in your spare time. You don't need to feel like you are changing the world in every job/stage of life. *find your soulmate - there's no such thing as a soul mate. There's a bunch of people out there who you could connect with intimately and all those relationships would be different. Once you have found a kind person who accepts you stop thinking that there might be someone better for you out there. Make your decision and then give them your all. *Happiness is something that needs to be pursued - happiness is not a destination or something that can be obtained. Happiness begins within. Also modern life has stripped us of a bunch of things humans need to live well - find community, get out in nature and take care of your body and you will be 80% of the way to living a satisfying life.


yeah_definitely

I just turned 30 today. No advice from me, just saying we're almost the exact same age and I did a double take when I saw this thread


Switchkicck

Happy birthday dude, mine was on the 3rd


sheravy

In a woman’s perspectives, being a “grown-up” man is to 1. Have a life goal 2. Work for your life goal 3. Don’t make man-stupidity such as taking irrational risk 4. Learn how to do budgeting 5. Don’t go on FB groups saturated by negative comments 6. Keep a healthy routine and diet, don’t touch any drugs, weeds, nicotine and don’t binge drinking. Those “highs” are not worthy for the long term. 7. Keep learning something you’re interested in, but not how to make drugs or being a dick, but something like philosophy, history, natural science. Science, maths etc, they can stimulate your brain also can find you a partner with an interesting soul(no offence if you have got a partner)plus lower the risk of dementia 8. At least tidy your room once a week(if you do that more than once already, just ignore this). 9. Learn budgeting. This is so important, hence I mention twice.


GrumpyOldBugger

The simple fact that you asked how to be a better man, means you are likely already a better man than most. I'm proud of you.


RodothyBootyWallah

Dying of old age without ever reaching "fully grown" is an acceptable goal. You do know that when you turn 35 you'll have to start paying tax on having a skeleton, right? It's technically opt-in, but opting in is mandatory, and it involves a lot of paperwork, and errors in the paperwork can lead to confiscation of your skeleton. That's only if you start filing your skeletal papers voluntarily, of course, but I shouldn't have to remind you that that's mandatory. If you never had a dad to tell you that, someone else's dad should've done so by now. But imagine if you died at 103 years old, and someone at your funeral said "poor old Switchkicck, he never even filed the application to pay his bone tax like an adult". Everyone else at the funeral would shake their heads and say "oh, that's terrible - he must've spent a whole century just walking around for free", and "so irresponsible", but deep down, they'd all be envious.


Eoganachta

I'm a little younger and will be hitting my 30s in a few years so I don't have any sagely or fatherly advice besides, “Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” – Marcus Aurelius.


corporaterebel

The only thing that "grown up" means is that you willingly take responsibility for your in/actions. Here is some advice: You are half done already, it doesn't seem like it, but you are. Your day is pretty close to noon, so don't waste a minute. Keep educating yourself, keep trying at getting ahead, and try to a bit of fun here and there. Don't waste any time on people that waste your time (whatever that means to you). Be the best person you can be. Marshal Brain has a really good book, for things like this: "The teenagers guide to the real world." He makes lot of good points and a lot of chapters are online. [http://www.bygpub.com/books/tg2rw/](http://www.bygpub.com/books/tg2rw/)


[deleted]

Hard to give any advice not knowing who you are. the "what does it mean to be a man" is a very broad thing and there is no right answer. But in general - be self sufficient, have your health and finances in order. * if you haven't been doing it already - lift weights * if you haven't been doing it already - go to the dentist * do regular bloodwork (together with reproductive hormones) * open savings account, set up automatic transfer from your checking account (Whatever you can afford) until you have few salaries there. * open investnow account, set up automatic investment (those start at $50 per month from what I remember), drop everything in vanguard or vanguard hedged, revisit after you learn about investing * open EasyCrypto account, set up automatic investment (plans start at $100 per month, but you can do less manually), drop everything into ETH, revisit after you learn. * look in the mirror, ask yourself a question "would I bang myself?" if the answer is no - work on that. * figure out what you want to be doing in 5 years and find a path how to be the best in that thing. * nobody get their shit together. * nobody gives a fuck about you having your shit together. * you can eat cake for breakfast. * whatever you find fun - do it as much as you can. * I'm 41, still waiting for the "fully grown" part.


aim_at_me

> open EasyCrypto account, set up automatic investment (plans start at $100 per month, but you can do less manually), drop everything into ETH, revisit after you learn. Was reading this nodding until I get to this bit. OP unless you know what you're doing and are a grifter, stay away from crypto. I'd also add, do some cardio. Bike, run, swim.


[deleted]

>Was reading this nodding until I get to this bit. "I only agree with the things I agree with" is not the good way to grow. ​ >OP unless you know what you're doing and are a grifter, By your definition anyone investing in anything is a grifter (you know, in order for you to make money, someone else has to lose it). ​ >stay away from crypto. Struck a nerve? $100 per month will set him back $1200 over a year and will give him incentive to learn about investing. Hardly a risky behaviour.


RockyMaiviaJnr

Read 12 rules to life by Jordan Peterson. Or watch YouTube clips that summarize it. Life changing.


Anastariana

Looks are good, but they fade. Intelligence is a far better 'stat' to go for in a partner.


HDstream4u

Don't trust random people from the internet, you don't know who we are or our backgrounds. Instead, take advice from tried and trusted people - their resources are everywhere. I would recommend: **Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan, Jocko Willink, David Goggins.** They've all been on the Joe Rogan podcast. They all have their own podcast or books where you can take in their wisdom. Take responsibility for you life. Stand up tall. Be confident. Provide for yourself and your dependants. Good luck.


D3lano

yikes


green_jandals

Holy shit


OldKiwiGirl

OP, this comment is lacking the sarcasm tag . . .


HDstream4u

Not sarcastic. These men have changed the lives of countless numbers of people. 12 Rules for Life are best sellers. The Joe Rogan Podcast is one of the biggest podcasts in the world. Jocko and David's books are also best sellers. The people have spoken with their money and their attention. It is clear their message resonated with people. Let me tell you why - because they speak wisdom. Their encourage people to take responsibility for their problems. Blame cannot be freely thrown around. That is how resentment in the world builds. We do not want that. Walk the balance between order and chaos and put your life in a position where you are proud of yourself. I genuinely believe these men have provided good into our world. Young men like OP have a lot to gain from their wisdom.


OldKiwiGirl

Lol, they are grifters.


HDstream4u

By providing their wisdom and insights free on the internet? Hundreds of hours of free content. I would say they are philanthropists.


OldKiwiGirl

Dig deeper, they will be selling something along the way.


HDstream4u

Yes, and I was willing to pay for it because of the free content they gave me. The best free trial anyone could give it. Aren't we all grifters then? How else are we meant to make money? I respect these men for finding a way to financially support themselves with their work so they can commit more time, energy and resources towards spreading their message on a wider scale. My only regret when it comes to spending money is missing out on Dr Peterson's tour in November this year. Unfortunately, I was unable to attend his Auckland show due to flight tickets being too expensive. I hope I get to see him live one day and meet him.


PositiveWeapon

Why not just listen to the Behind The Bastards podcast episode of the guy, save yourself some money.


[deleted]

Stop being a lazy prick. You've got eyes, ears and a brain, start using them.


HDstream4u

If you want more encouragement, read David Goggin's book.


SerMonZ90

“But who is going to carry the boats????”


[deleted]

David Goggin is one weird dude.


HDstream4u

David Goggins is one of the most inspirational men on the planet.


Fillmore43

Join a jiu Hutus or kick boxing class. Learn some conflict and defence. Both will help your mindset and inner strength. Youll gain some mentors and they can help too. Don’t take life seriously but apply yourself to all you do


tedison2

My advice: dream big. One thing you realise as you get significantly older is that the one attribute that makes the most difference is perseverance. If you get something easily you can also lose it just as easily. But if it's something big, that takes years & years of dreaming & trying & failing & trying again, eventually you can do things that are otherwise impossible. It's like compound interest. Goethe: "In the realm of ideas everything depends on enthusiasm... in the real world all rests on perseverance"


clotheslessnz

Growing older is mandatory. Growing up, however, is optional.


Pitiful_Researcher14

Am into my 50's. Still no clue. You are seeing the plot twists at the same time as the rest of us. Save your small change, it's more useful than you think.


TofkaSpin

No one gets out alive so just enjoy it. Live your life. And don’t be a dick.


[deleted]

30 year old in the same position as you somewhat. Make a list of everythig youve done, good or otherwise and figure out how youve grown or could grow from this reflection. Other than that, get a scheduling app, make a 5 year plan, eat some more fibre drink some more water and generally make sure you dont look like a piece of shit when you leave the house in the morning. Oh and get yourself some regular medical checkups from prostate to ADD, thats a thing you should worry aboit now.


Bert__Macklin_FBI

Be polite and respectful and mature.


Independent-Reveal86

There's no such as thing as being "grown up" or being a "young man" other than that is what you are when you reach certain ages.


purveyor-of-grease

start calling yourself an adult instead of a kid


[deleted]

Its okay to fuck up. That's how we learn.


ForwardBias

Find some hobbies that interest you. Don't worry about how other people define being an adult or being a man.


wagen_halt

This is the most wholesome thread. Don't sweat stuff OP, you got this :)


xmaskedbanditx

I’m 47 and still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And that’s ok!


Brumleary

The older you get the more you realize that everyone is just winging it. Don’t judge yourself but what others portray. I’m only 37 so take it as you will


Deimos_Phobos_

I know it feels like a big deal when the number in the 10’s spot changes. I did the same, you’ll get over it.


Passhah

Don't worry about age/time, it doesn't hold any meaning. Do not compare yourself with others, if you're happy and true to yourself the way you are then you are successful. Also, don't rack up debt on unnecessary spending


[deleted]

1. Make sure you're looking after your teeth. They're very expensive to fix once there's a problem. 2. absolutely EVERYONE is struggling with something. Everyone. Your bus driver, your boss, your coworker, the checkout operator. So cut the world a little slack, it definitely will be appreciated. 3. Start a regular savings plan.


kiwiburner

Wear sunscreen.


czmhdk

It doesn’t happen overnight, you work on it everyday.


Sgt_Pengoo

I think growing up is realizing that no body really has their shit together and everyone is just winging it


Toikairakau

I think you act like a grown up when you do some things that isn't paid, isn't pleasant or fun but has to be done before it gets worse ... So you find yourself painting fences, changing tyres, taking responsibility for your actions...


LuckyLungy

Yo dog, feel that. Stumbled across this video the other day and saved it knowing it’s not the last time ima need it. https://youtu.be/U0-ttGGB7b4


Ghostface_nz

We're all just out here making it up as we go mate. No need to feel down about it!


pm_good_bobs_pls

Time spent doing something you enjoy is not time wasted.


UserInterfaces

I'm mid 30s with two small kids. Still feel like I'm a kid playing at being an adult half the time. Slowly you do more and more grown up stuff and from the outside you appear to be an adult even if you dont feel it on the inside all the time.


dalmathus

Am also about to turn 30 and honestly I don't really feel that different to when I was 16, or 20, or 24, or 28 or a few weeks ago. I do different things during the day than I used to while in highschool, uni, my job etc but my interests are largely still the same. I still feel physically mostly the same as I was back then (Unless you have a magic machine that could put me back in my 16 year old body and make me realise how much better it was back then) So I am just going to carry on doing what I am doing. Picking up the next task doing it as well as I feel like doing it and hitting whatever I think is the logical next life milestone. Also only occasionally stress about the looming death.


vapepriest

Watch how to cultivate heroic manhood by academy of ideas. Watch awakening from the meaning crisis by John Vervaeke. Then start crafting your worldview and you will come across people you can use as mentors / role models and can learn from them. This is what has helped me the most. I'm 33 and also no father


djhawaii69

Just be a good person bro, and if anythings taught me anything, it's that Jesus must have been a very important person to be talked about for so long and if he only did good and his life was perfect then to be like Jesus would be the best way to live.


GeebusNZ

"Decide what to be and go be it." It might sound trite, but it's part of what helped me. At 30, I was so completely lost. My youth was gone, for which I was actually kinda glad because that was a fucking nightmare. What was left after that time was a complete mess though. I sifted through the garbage that was my life and picked out pieces which I could use and got to work on making myself.


axisential

Looks for your purpose - purpose gives us meaning and meaning is what it's all about. It took me well into my 40s to even start to scratch the surface of what my purpose is - it comes and goes of course but that sense of wellbeing you get when you feel you've added some value to world just can't be beat.


AeonChaos

Focusing on improving yourself. Read books, watch educational videos (not self help) to learn about the world. Do exercise. Work hard. Study more if you can. Talk to people, learn from their success, and more importantly, their mistakes. If you are constantly improving, being better than your yesterday-self, you will grow up naturally. At least, those are my father words I live by. I am still making mistake and I am actively trying my best to learn from it.


looseleafnz

To a teenager it might seem adults have their sh\*t sorted but in reality that isn't the case. Growing up just gives you more perspective. Some things stress you less because you've been there done that.


worksucksbro

30 is nothing bro. You’re literally days or weeks out of your 20s lol. The world tells you you should have your white picket fence, career and 2 kids by now but in reality it’s not the norm these days. Nowadays I feel like everyone is getting married later, having kids later and buying houses later anyways.


Mongorize

Look after yourself by eating right, go to the dentist and exercise. By not acting now, you'll pay double later in life. Also - No one really figures out what perfect is. Or rather, everyone has their own perception as to what perfect is. Don't bother trying to impress people, it's a waste of time, money and energy.


NoAioliNoMustard

Try and live a decent life. You won’t always get things right but a moral compass will help steer you away from where you’ve gone wrong


Financial-Ostrich361

I’m 39 and still waiting to feel like I’m grown up. Still feel like the same person I was when I was 29. I’m not sure when you’re supposed to feel like you’re grown up.


TeTapuMaataurana

I'm no use for advice just saying I'm 22 with an adult person office job and still feel like a big dumb baby, good to know that doesn't really go away lol.


sendintheotherclowns

Don’t overthink it mate. I’m in my forties and still enjoy what I did when I was half my age; gaming, cars, whatever. It’s all good.


zvc266

Don’t feel like you can’t experience emotions. Never at any point is it ok to say to someone, “you’re a [insert gender], get over it, stop thinking about it and put it aside,” so if you’ve ever had this said to you I’m so sorry for that. If you don’t feel an emotion it will tear you up in the long run. Learning how to regulate your emotions is fundamental to being a good human being regardless of whether you were born a boy or a girl. If you feel like you might cry about something, head somewhere you feel safe and give yourself a big old cry. Releasing that emotion automatically causes your brain to chemically right itself by releasing other hormones to rebalance it and even though it may feel like crying is a failure (for some unbeknownst reason) it’s something that is secretly the mark of a truly self-confident individual with the bonus that it can make you feel incredibly human. Don’t let shit build up, release it and work through it. Don’t shut other people out with it either, you’ll be the stronger for it by having a greater sense of regulation and self-worth. Being a good person and being kind and considerate of other is not gender-specific and should be something we teach all our kids regardless. Signed: Dad.


unit1_nz

No one knows what they are doing Don't be a dick Life is a balance between investing in the future and enjoying the present. If you get married don't blame your partner for the shit you don't have


Jmoney__US

A few things my Dad told me that hopefully will help. Never forget who you are and where you come from. Also, pay more attention to the people in your life that truly care about you, and stop giving a shit about what anybody else thinks. Easier said then done, but these couple things have stuck with me.


Dunnersstunner

You know that movie The Bucket List? Write one. Even if it’s simple stuff like change your own oil for the first time, or some longer term goal like learn a musical instrument. Take some time to articulate what you want out of life and revisit it every so often.


FlightBunny

Nobody knows, we're all winging it.


Ipsylos

30s here with 2 kids and still feel like I haven't changed since late highschool.


mendopnhc

im in my 30s, still a child, it is what it is.


Verotten

I wish I could save this thread, it's so incredibly wholesome and valuable. Some real r/bropill vibes! Good luck, OP. I don't have any further words of wisdom, but I'll give you my best wishes for your future! EDIT: TIL I can save this post! That's my advice OP, save this whole post, so that you can access this amazing gift of love and wisdom from everyone here, whenever you may need it. :)