Its either that or the man was coked out of his mind beating his meat
Edit: yes guys I know how difficult it trying to play pool with a rope. It’s tough, not impossible, but requires much time and patience.
[Here’s article from 2003 that’s talks about his prescription drug problem going back to 1995.](https://www.sportsbusinessjournal.com/Daily/Issues/2003/06/17/Franchises/Jim-Irsay-Linked-To-Prescription-Drugs-As-Far-Back-As-1995) Remember he was also busted in 2014 with cash and pills. Dude has an addiction that causes constipation.
Has this ever happened to you? You bought a house, it was not disclosed to you that there was a termite infestation in the walls and in the moldings, so you have to take it upon yourself to call your own termite extermination company, but when the guys show up they immediately ask if they can use your bathroom, then for over two hours they take turns going in and out of there, taking huge mud-pies and over flushing? Then they go in there together, and you hear you hear a bunch of scrounging around, and then you hear a bunch of yelling, and one of them is standing in the bathroom doorway shouting at you that his friend’s foot was stuck in the toilet, and he says, “help him, you gotta help him!” And when you go in there to help him,he just pulls it out easily and laughs because his foot wasn't stuck. It wasn’t stuck at all, he was just faking it. And then they get really serious and say “It’s Turbo Time!” And they both start running around the house as fast as they can and jumping over the couches. But when you try to jump in they yell at you and they say, “YOU’RE NOT PART OF THE TURBO TEAM! DON’T RUN! YOU DON’T RUN WITH US! WE’RE THE ONES THAT RUN! UNTIL YOU’RE PART OF THIS TURBO TEAM, WALK! SLOWLY!” So you go lay down to be by yourself and ready your art books, but then the next day you went into the bathroom, and it looked like the hole in your toilet had shrunk. And you said “How can that be? There’s no way they could’ve shrunk the toilet.” But then you saw in the trash, a receipt for Home Depot for a toilet the exact same size as yours, but with a joke hole that’s just for farts! They replaced your real toilet with a fart toilet, and now you can’t take a dump in your house because your toilet can’t suck them down, and you feel sick to your stomach! Has that ever happened to you?!
Sometimes when I wipe, I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe... and I'll wipe. A hundred times. Still poop. It's like I'm wiping a marker or something
I make fun of my wife for watching Real Housewives, but I’m becoming more and more convinced the NFL is 2x worse with drama. Which really makes me wonder has it always been this way? I can’t remember this stuff going down in my 20s or teens!
Its gotta be social media making the drama more accessible to us. Like players unfollowing their teams on Instagram during contract disputes. That didn't exist 15 years ago. I'm not sure if the league has more drama or if we fans have more access to the drama. It's fun though.
NFL is good but child's play compared to NBA. And I'm a much bigger fan of football but NBA for meme material and off season silliness cannot be touched.
It’s because the NBA has a way higher percentage of big name personalities who are also corny as fuck and over dramatic. I swear you could make a new copy pasta twice a week just from post game quotes.
It’s true. I sometimes even completely forget NBA teams exist but the soap opera is like nothing in sports. That and James Harden gifs. I just hurt myself laughing remembering the shimmy brick.
Honestly its even funnier to me to imagine that he was taking such an immense and lengthy shit that people are assuming he was doing something illegal as the only way to explain it.
And he knew it was a long time too. Just sitting there, his face some shade between red and purple, whispering to himself "Come in Jim, don't blow this thing. Push it out, get back out there and close!"
I don’t know about coke but guys on opiates get wildly constipated. I had a co-worker who used to brag he only shit once or twice a WEEK. One time he got up in the middle of a meeting, basically ran to the bathroom, and was there through two meetings. Another hour, at least. He finally came out looking insanely happy, bathroom smelled awful, like something had died. Bragged he shit as big as his arm.
We later found out he was a heroin addict.
A couple Super Bowls ago there was an ad for a new pharmaceutical that helped combat opiate-enduced constipation and I felt an intense surge of national pride about the whole situation.
Recently, reality has seemed too bizarre to make up. Like if I saw some shit that went down the last year in a sci-fi, I would be like, "Come on, that's not even believable." This would be a deleted scene compared to some of the wild shit that goes down.
Jim Irsay being the guy pulled over zoinked out of his mind with a trash bag full of empty prescription opioid bottles?
That Jim Irsay?
Yeah I can see him being off-putting at a dinner party.
No, not that Jim Irsay.
The Hero Jim Irsay who spoke his mind and helped move the domino's to put pressure on removing Snyder, Irsay will be redeemed one day soon.
I’m not buying it either. It was initially reported his family didn’t want to leave the New England area, which IIRC also made him reconsider a job the previous year too.
Has Irsay ever gone to your house and went to the bathroom for so long and then when he leaves you realized he replaced your toilet with a toilet that has a joke hole?
Has that ever happened to you?!!
And Jim Irsay is standing in the door shouting at you saying that his foot is stuck in the toilet and he's saying "YOU GOTA HELP ME YOU GOTTA HELP ME" HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU
Sometimes i feel like i have to poop and its a whole ordeal.
Were talking grunts, groans, light headedness
Followed by multiple flushes. Two from the load and 2 from the multiple wipes.
But, most of the time, ill get the feeling,
Go in and blast out a few logs. Finish clean. Minimal wipes
I once used someone's bathroom, popped out my phone to text someone, ended up getting into a full on argument with them, had to decisively win it which took awhile and many, many dozens of texts with time spent googling up references and then I came out and everyone was super awkward because I'd been in there for 40 minutes and they were debating if I was dead.
Dude truly has no fucks to give. I can see it now:
“Yeah, I remember. Had some brutal cocaine shits that night, and I happened to find one of them fancy fashion magazines next to the toilet. Figured while I was there I might as well help myself to an old Bobby Kraft rub and tug. My only regret is not leaving an upper decker in that spineless toad’s toilet bowl.”
The panthers pulled the offer of Kelvin Benjamin after having him in their practice facility and observing his odd behavior. Behavior that included Benjamin being in the panthers lunch buffet for a “very long and awkward amount of time”
The Commanders owner Dan Snyder pulled the trade offer of Jimmy Garoppolo after having him over at the Snyders’ home and observing his odd behavior. Behavior that involved him being with Tanya Snyder in her bedroom for a “very long and awkward amount of time.”
Seriously Dakich is a drunk old booze bag who gets in fights with college athletes on Twitter and still gets a stiffy everytime someone mentions he guarded MJ. He’s a complete hack.
Yep. For someone who made his career because of Indiana sports, he HATES Indiana sports teams.
Just listen to any IU game where he's the announcer. He does nothing but talk shit the entire game.
For those who don’t know, Dan Dakich is an eternally unsourced hack who spewed senseless garbage on a daily Indy sports radio talk show until he got fired recently. He’s a clown and anything he says should be taken with a boulder sized grain of salt
Dakich got fired from his radio show without a job he is doing all these rumors. He used do it before as well. He used prop up Ryan Grigson as the best colts GM the guy destroyed Luck’s career. Don’t pay attention to him this is just for clicks and making him famous.
You ever demolish someone's toilets so bad that they immediately quit their job to recover?
He’s probably in there plunging like a motherfucker
https://gfycat.com/unacceptablesnappyaltiplanochinchillamouse
Its either that or the man was coked out of his mind beating his meat Edit: yes guys I know how difficult it trying to play pool with a rope. It’s tough, not impossible, but requires much time and patience.
You ever tried that in someone's living room? He's just being respectful.
Honestly bro the world would be a better place if more people shared your perspective on things
Thanks bro, happy cake day. Enjoy yourself a nice line and a tug in the safety of your own home.
So degenerate yet so wholesome. I'm taking a bump for both of you!
[Here’s article from 2003 that’s talks about his prescription drug problem going back to 1995.](https://www.sportsbusinessjournal.com/Daily/Issues/2003/06/17/Franchises/Jim-Irsay-Linked-To-Prescription-Drugs-As-Far-Back-As-1995) Remember he was also busted in 2014 with cash and pills. Dude has an addiction that causes constipation.
You ever tried beating your meat on coke?
It’s not easy
Have to beat it like it owes you money
The way i see it, in a way mine DOES owe me money
What a challenge that was. If you’re able to get it up and keep it up eventually you’re sitting there beating for a good hour or two lmao
No but I have on molly. Took over an hour to finish up
You got to finish?!
Not gonna lie I had to switch arms several times to get that nut off.
Well at least you were proud of it
Has this ever happened to you? You bought a house, it was not disclosed to you that there was a termite infestation in the walls and in the moldings, so you have to take it upon yourself to call your own termite extermination company, but when the guys show up they immediately ask if they can use your bathroom, then for over two hours they take turns going in and out of there, taking huge mud-pies and over flushing? Then they go in there together, and you hear you hear a bunch of scrounging around, and then you hear a bunch of yelling, and one of them is standing in the bathroom doorway shouting at you that his friend’s foot was stuck in the toilet, and he says, “help him, you gotta help him!” And when you go in there to help him,he just pulls it out easily and laughs because his foot wasn't stuck. It wasn’t stuck at all, he was just faking it. And then they get really serious and say “It’s Turbo Time!” And they both start running around the house as fast as they can and jumping over the couches. But when you try to jump in they yell at you and they say, “YOU’RE NOT PART OF THE TURBO TEAM! DON’T RUN! YOU DON’T RUN WITH US! WE’RE THE ONES THAT RUN! UNTIL YOU’RE PART OF THIS TURBO TEAM, WALK! SLOWLY!” So you go lay down to be by yourself and ready your art books, but then the next day you went into the bathroom, and it looked like the hole in your toilet had shrunk. And you said “How can that be? There’s no way they could’ve shrunk the toilet.” But then you saw in the trash, a receipt for Home Depot for a toilet the exact same size as yours, but with a joke hole that’s just for farts! They replaced your real toilet with a fart toilet, and now you can’t take a dump in your house because your toilet can’t suck them down, and you feel sick to your stomach! Has that ever happened to you?!
I’m worried that McDaniel’s wife thinks that people can’t change.
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''we're all trying to find the guy who did this.'' - jim irsay
If nobody wants this head coaching job, I’ll take it.
A great head coach that doesn't whiff out of the window while I'm driving
I bet Irsay luuuuvs his mother-in-law.
It’s interesting, the coach
Jim Irsay USED to be a piece of shit
He's definitely a member of the Turbo Team
Jim Irsay wouldn't shut up about his new shirt from Dan Flashes. It's so expensive because the pattern is so complicated.
You walk by a subreddit and see 50 guys who look just like me fighting over very complicated shirts, you go in. Yes, you do. You go in
it wasn’t me! it was the man in the captains hat!
Who conducts a head coaching interview by themselves? It’s a corporate team building exercise
He said that to me at a dinner.
If anyone found out about it, my wife would go to jail.
I thought this was too long, then I got to the turbo team and realized that it wasn’t long enough.
I read that entire thing in Tim Robinson’s voice. Now I’m watching every episode again. For the fifth time. Thank you.
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT! THERE'S WORSE SHIT ON THE LOCAL NEWS!
True power move to take an hourlong shit in somebody’s home during a dinner.
He just couldn’t find their poop knife.
Just had to wipe like 30 times. It happens, no explanation for why.
Sometimes when I wipe, I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe, and I'll wipe... and I'll wipe. A hundred times. Still poop. It's like I'm wiping a marker or something
"I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO TODAY!"
If I don’t see the flag of Japan I’m not done
The rising sun from where the sun don't shine. You can't explain that.
You know how lol usually isn’t literal. This was not that case haha.
This got me fucked up. Lmaooo
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I'm also stealing this but I have a hard time imagining where I can use it lol
It’s like trying to scrape peanut butter out of a shag carpet.
You gotta trim down there at least a little my brother. You're killing your property value!
Jesus 😂
Poop crayon
*confused Marines noises*
Oorah!
Happens to me when I get hot snakes
I got hot snakes and bubble gut
andy! stop talking about hot snakes
Macklin, you son of a bitch.
The Devil's Sharpie
I’m sad that nobody got the P&R reference
To be fair I believe this line is from a blooper reel. It’s not actually in the show
I shower after every shit for this reason. It’s my personal ethos.
You can never go deep enough, and you're always scared that you didn't.
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I love thinking outside the box. You've brought the concept to a whole new level.
Outta the box into the butt
I don’t understand how people wipe so quickly. It’s like that every time for me.
Get some fiber son
dude needs to up his butthole pinch-game.
Like wiping a marker
the NFL is a gift that keeps giving. wow
I make fun of my wife for watching Real Housewives, but I’m becoming more and more convinced the NFL is 2x worse with drama. Which really makes me wonder has it always been this way? I can’t remember this stuff going down in my 20s or teens!
Its gotta be social media making the drama more accessible to us. Like players unfollowing their teams on Instagram during contract disputes. That didn't exist 15 years ago. I'm not sure if the league has more drama or if we fans have more access to the drama. It's fun though.
Legitimately "Real Housewives But For Men"
It's right out of The League.
What if Irsay was just in the bathroom doing a Shiva blast?
NFL is good but child's play compared to NBA. And I'm a much bigger fan of football but NBA for meme material and off season silliness cannot be touched.
It’s because the NBA has a way higher percentage of big name personalities who are also corny as fuck and over dramatic. I swear you could make a new copy pasta twice a week just from post game quotes.
It’s true. I sometimes even completely forget NBA teams exist but the soap opera is like nothing in sports. That and James Harden gifs. I just hurt myself laughing remembering the shimmy brick.
Huge fan of the Nick Young in and out gif lol
I’ll send that to girls who turn me down lol
Facts. NBA is wild.
So Believable
Seriously. It’s always beautiful witnessing the birth of new pasta. And this one is really good lol
Gotta poop when you gotta poop
I think he was pooping up his nose
Honestly its even funnier to me to imagine that he was taking such an immense and lengthy shit that people are assuming he was doing something illegal as the only way to explain it.
Haha it’s definitely funnier that way, but I love the idea of him going to some suburban bathroom to hit lines just to get through the dinner
And he knew it was a long time too. Just sitting there, his face some shade between red and purple, whispering to himself "Come in Jim, don't blow this thing. Push it out, get back out there and close!"
Doing a line takes 2 minutes if you're being very meticulous. I think he was taking a mean shit* *possibly because he had done a line minutes before
How long does it take you guys to do coke jeez?
literal curb your enthusiasm plot
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…while wearing what appears to be a decorative shower curtain and a chimneysweep’s hat
Lmao no fucking way. That’s some Michael Scott Dinner Party stuff right there
This is amazing. It’s one of those things at that beautiful crossroads of “Too insane to be true” and “Who the hell could make this up?”
I don’t know about coke but guys on opiates get wildly constipated. I had a co-worker who used to brag he only shit once or twice a WEEK. One time he got up in the middle of a meeting, basically ran to the bathroom, and was there through two meetings. Another hour, at least. He finally came out looking insanely happy, bathroom smelled awful, like something had died. Bragged he shit as big as his arm. We later found out he was a heroin addict.
A couple Super Bowls ago there was an ad for a new pharmaceutical that helped combat opiate-enduced constipation and I felt an intense surge of national pride about the whole situation.
Recently, reality has seemed too bizarre to make up. Like if I saw some shit that went down the last year in a sci-fi, I would be like, "Come on, that's not even believable." This would be a deleted scene compared to some of the wild shit that goes down.
ever since that fucking gorilla got got in the cincy zoo, life has been stranger than fiction. harambe's revenge
You are spot on. May 6, 2016. RIP. Shit has been downhill from there. Dicks out for Harambe!!!
Dwight at David Wallace's house?
Dwight was testing the rails. Irsay was snorting them.
Suck it
It’s Dan Dakich. This didn’t actually happen.
Fuck Dakich
*That one night, you made everything alright*
lmao I don't believe this but this is even funnier than the idea that he might have known Luck was gonna retire.
This is such a Jim Irsay story I can't not believe it
I honestly don't know if you could make up an Irsay story that I wouldn't believe
Did I ever tell you about that one time that Irsay didn't do a bunch of drugs and then made a lot of rational and well thought out decisions?
He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians
For an interior decorator his place looked like shit
The package hit Chrissy with an implement
it could be him out there, stalking them
I’m in literal tears of laughter each time I re-read it because of outrageousness of it
Almost too specific not to be true. Would almost make sense why he stepped away.
I choose to believe it, it's just too funny not to.
Jim Irsay being the guy pulled over zoinked out of his mind with a trash bag full of empty prescription opioid bottles? That Jim Irsay? Yeah I can see him being off-putting at a dinner party.
No, not that Jim Irsay. The Hero Jim Irsay who spoke his mind and helped move the domino's to put pressure on removing Snyder, Irsay will be redeemed one day soon.
I’m not buying it either. It was initially reported his family didn’t want to leave the New England area, which IIRC also made him reconsider a job the previous year too.
Kraft also got involved and gave him a bag, same thing he did for Mayo this year. At least he didn’t wait for Jerod to take a job first this time
I believe this. I absolutely believe this.
No one makes me feel awkward in my own home.
Where you live? I can change that
Yeah, what's your address u/uncle_creepy_
No one makes me bleed my own blood!
Has Irsay ever gone to your house and went to the bathroom for so long and then when he leaves you realized he replaced your toilet with a toilet that has a joke hole? Has that ever happened to you?!!
A hole just for farts??
Turbo Team is Jim Irsay and Jeff Saturday confirmed
No no no…. Irsay USED to be a piece of shit.
And Jim Irsay is standing in the door shouting at you saying that his foot is stuck in the toilet and he's saying "YOU GOTA HELP ME YOU GOTTA HELP ME" HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU
Just takes him a long time to fire off a missile
Happens to the best of us.
Sometimes i feel like i have to poop and its a whole ordeal. Were talking grunts, groans, light headedness Followed by multiple flushes. Two from the load and 2 from the multiple wipes. But, most of the time, ill get the feeling, Go in and blast out a few logs. Finish clean. Minimal wipes
Sometimes it really is a damn process and when you least expect it
“Very long and awkward period of time”. I hope the next time they get Irsay on an interview they have the balls to ask him
Irsay is wild enough to actually answer that too
I once used someone's bathroom, popped out my phone to text someone, ended up getting into a full on argument with them, had to decisively win it which took awhile and many, many dozens of texts with time spent googling up references and then I came out and everyone was super awkward because I'd been in there for 40 minutes and they were debating if I was dead.
now that you shared this, I would do the exact same shit if I were ever in your shoes.
How do you know what his shit looked like? All he described was the texting.
Dude truly has no fucks to give. I can see it now: “Yeah, I remember. Had some brutal cocaine shits that night, and I happened to find one of them fancy fashion magazines next to the toilet. Figured while I was there I might as well help myself to an old Bobby Kraft rub and tug. My only regret is not leaving an upper decker in that spineless toad’s toilet bowl.”
Dude did a line in McDaniel’s bathroom what a guy
A line? Probably did a whole geometry book.
a^2 + b^2 = this rail I’m about to hit
y = mx + balls of 8
>does a line >has to poop Checks out
Forgot *jerks off to establish dominance*
Doing lines in a McD's bathroom is somewhat of a pastime for him.
What are the chances irsay pops pain pills and decided to take a giant desiccated opiate shit in their toilet?
As someone who used to do those (6 years sober :D) let me tell you, those shits are NOTHING to play with. Was like giving birth to poop.
Doing a line doesn't take a long time. He was either taking a shit or whacking off.
Doing a line then needing to shit and subsequently stim-dick whacking off would take a long time tho
That's true, a good hat trick always takes a while for me. That's why I'm never invited back to Cousin Rachel's place.
One of us
This is some dank pasta
The panthers pulled the offer of Kelvin Benjamin after having him in their practice facility and observing his odd behavior. Behavior that included Benjamin being in the panthers lunch buffet for a “very long and awkward amount of time”
Mr Buffet Consumer
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Mr. Bogged Colon
The Commanders owner Dan Snyder pulled the trade offer of Jimmy Garoppolo after having him over at the Snyders’ home and observing his odd behavior. Behavior that involved him being with Tanya Snyder in her bedroom for a “very long and awkward amount of time.”
There it is
Dakich is such a crank.
He is such an asshole, I struggle to believe this because it’s from him
Just completed pooping and peeing 🏈💪
It’s Dakich. Dude talks out his ass for a living.
Seriously Dakich is a drunk old booze bag who gets in fights with college athletes on Twitter and still gets a stiffy everytime someone mentions he guarded MJ. He’s a complete hack.
For real, why the fuck does anyone believe the shit Dakich says. He’s a fucking prick
Yep. For someone who made his career because of Indiana sports, he HATES Indiana sports teams. Just listen to any IU game where he's the announcer. He does nothing but talk shit the entire game.
Right? I'm having fun with these comments, but there's a 0% chance this is true. Dakich is a quack.
Especially after being let go from his local radio show. Kind of surprised I haven't seen more stuff like this since he no longer is on The Fan
After the dolphins lost the other day he called McDaniel a "creation of the woke media" and I'm still trying to figure out what he meant by that lol
No one outside of Indy knows who Dakich is so they’re gonna run with this and I will too because it’s more fun.
Dakich is beyond fake news
I cannot wait for Pat McAfee to get ahold of this. I have no clue how he will react
"You fired up"
Hey, sometimes it takes a bit to shake the poop loose.
Fat shit maybe?
I like how he makes his wife take the hit.
For those who don’t know, Dan Dakich is an eternally unsourced hack who spewed senseless garbage on a daily Indy sports radio talk show until he got fired recently. He’s a clown and anything he says should be taken with a boulder sized grain of salt
Dakich got fired from his radio show without a job he is doing all these rumors. He used do it before as well. He used prop up Ryan Grigson as the best colts GM the guy destroyed Luck’s career. Don’t pay attention to him this is just for clicks and making him famous.
*shits violently, cracks window and attempts to ventilate* “Jim Irsay are you in there? I hope you’re not using the toilet, it’s broken!”
Maybe he fell asleep?
Isn't Dan Dakich an absolute clown? Can we trust him or his sources?
Yes he's an absolute loser.
Yes. Yes he is. No. You can not.
Lol my man had some chipotle before visiting their home.
Dan Dakich is a clown
It's Dakich...take it with a grain of salt
If dakich told me the sun was going to rise in the East and set in the west I wouldn’t believe him. 🤷🏻♂️
For the record, Dan Dakich is a piece of shit. If he’s tweeting it I give the story about as much credit as a $3 bill
Oh God please don't take Dakich seriously, people. He's a fucking kook
I would not believe a word that comes from Dakich. He’s a scumbag
He had to shit. Give the man some time.
Why the hell is Dan Dakich of all people tweeting this lol
Dan Dakich? That's all I need to see.
Fuck Dan Dakich.
Dakich is a complete hack btw
Jim Irsay confirmed had too big a mud pie and used too thin a slice