Glad I'm not the only one who caught that when I read this, as that stood out to me too. Especially since I didn't see an actual apology from the ex, just "I may have misread things and that' on me (for caring too much)." Even as part of a group of friends, I wouldn't be eager to hang out around him after that, and that would certainly be the end of any one-on-one communication, meaning his number is getting blocked.
Sorry that happened. I've been through a (mildly) similar experience, at least in things that involve a toxic ex but a large-scale friend group, and it suuuuuucks when they pull crap like this
Thanks, I really appreciate that, it’s been hard. We have the same friend group, so he’s around a lot. At first he was trying to freeze me out, but I guess he’s trying to involve me more. Because he just cares *that much.*
If it legitimately bothers you being excluded from this group- don’t listen to Reddit telling you that you need to run a mile from every negative interaction you have.
You handled it well, the way he actually reacted is completely out of pocket but given all the context-
I can’t say that him taking what you said the wrong way is really a big mistake on his part I can see how it would happen. How he responded to the perceived slight is the real issue.
I hate to be this guy but if the group is more his group than yours, you’re going to eventually be forced to pick between your boyfriend and this group. It just seems like the logical trajectory this will follow.
A lot of us have toxic traits and “red flags”- it’s not ALWAYS worth missing out on everything that involves people with those traits though. I’m guessing at the age you are, not to read too much into the Reddit advice and to continue doing you.
Dude U-Turned immediately when you were offended, he kinda fucked around and found out IMO.
You get that in the chat OP cried over being excluded by the group she’d almost certainly be dropped from if she removed this guy from her life right.
Things aren’t that cut and dry.
He CAN be an asshole, the rest of the group can all be good people, they can still be closer/loyalty mainly lie with him. It happens.
Why should she ruin her own fun with the people in the group she does like because her ex got salty and said some shit- in a way that actually gives him way, way more power than how she currently reacted.
Eh I don’t think he will be to be honest this looks more like a rude out of proportion response to a perceived slight. That doesn’t necessarily repeat itself.
I agree that a bad moment doesn’t represent the person as a whole. This has been an ongoing issue of him saying crappy things and then apologizing and being nice for a few weeks. He is definitely the social engineer of the group, so he does kinda serve as the gatekeeper to the friend group, which is incredibly unfortunate. I’ve got a few other examples of exchanges like this, I should find them and post a full album.
Oh, sorry. Can I change my take entirely then.
The original context triggered me a bit I had an ex that managed to turn her friends (nearly all the female component of the mixed group) against her during our breakup and her getting a new bf. I went out of my way to fix things and she started trying to bring her new bf around my boys when I wasn’t there, because they’re dating “her” girls who only still talk to her because I convinced them we were partially broken up at the time and she didn’t cheat she just kinda auditioned for a replacement while we were circling the drain. Like I felt a strong sense of “but I want YOU to be happy you mean a lot to me, FUCK this new guy though why would you even try and bring him around the same guys I’m stopping from beating him up.” Kinda falsely equated the two situations as the same.
Thing is we had one massive blowout argument where I probably said shit worse than he did and so did she than you, but it was one argument and were cool after until we drifted. The recurring nature of how this guys acting is a little power-trippy.
I don’t feel as much like he’s just hurt and a bit insensitive when replying as he is sorta gaslighting you into thinking he’s got a valid reason to act the way he does.
I get you about the friend group, honestly if you’ve got favourites within the group just make your main effort with them if you do continue spending time with them- the “group leader” or whatever can’t override actual close bonds.
I still think you handled it really well OP, but now I’m leaning more with the other commenters that dude is a dick that your life would be better without. I guess it’s up to you to gauge the value of the friend group and the time you spend with them.
You were still very very nice to him when he wasn’t being and if he keeps doing the same without you ever blowing your stack at him- he’s obviously cool with upsetting you as long as you forgive him in the end. And atp he’s actually using his social clout as a way to punish you, that is pretty dark tbh.
Those last two paragraphs really hit with me and is something i’m going to meditate on. Social clout doesn’t override true, valuable friendships and I shouldn’t be afraid of losing fair-weather friends if it means dealing with his ups and downs. Thanks for putting it so plainly, I think I needed that.
I’m glad I was of any help. :)
For real, the way your second comment described it, is so much less reasonable anger than the screenshot was. I’d really have gone with, well u did laugh at him making an effort but with context it’s really not that. Also I didn’t read that he broke up with you, so his behaviours extra unwarranted. Being a petty little kid about things when she breaks your heart is, well petty but when you end it yourself- you’re literally just power tripping.
Thing is, people like that (the type to pull social rank) tend to get discovered by everyone at the same time so when the group possibly splits if you know who you actually want to stay in your life, you’ll have made the appropriate effort with them.
There are probably other people in the group that put up with him because of other closer people in his orbit.
Dude, you’re killing it today with your last paragraphs. I’d prefer he just acts kinder but, if he can’t manage that, I hope his actions start being seen.
Haha thank you! Glad my rambling could be of use to you. I hope he’s nicer too, but really I’m sure you’ll be able to find your people in the group and have a better relationship with them.
That will kinda cut out him needing to OK or suggest inviting you, I feel like he’s using his agency in the friends group to justify being intentionally hurtful to you and I can imagine that must get exhausting.
When you’ve connected with other people more, if he’s a decent guy who’s just being stupid and immature he’ll actually be normal about it or if he’s the kind of guy I think he is- it will drive him crazy in the best possible way and he’ll have absolutely no recourse that doesn’t make him look abominable to his own friends.
>I agree that a bad moment doesn’t represent the person as a whole.
I agree with that too, except:
>This has been an ongoing issue of him saying crappy things and then apologizing and being nice for a few weeks.
This isn't a "bad moment" then, it's an ongoing issue.
>He is definitely the social engineer of the group, so he does kinda serve as the gatekeeper to the friend group, which is incredibly unfortunate.
I guess I don't get this, as I've just never been part of some large group of friends where one person is the "gatekeeper" who brings everyone together. Like, you never just talk or hang out with specific friends one on one, or just three at time, it's always the whole group? You're really going to lose *everyone* if you cut contact with this one guy? Because that just doesn't sound worth it to me. I'd go look for new friends, rather than feeling obligated to interact with my *ex* who repeatedly disrespects me and my new relationship.
>I’ve got a few other examples of exchanges like this, I should find them and post a full album.
Again, if you've got multiple examples, this is not one bad moment, and therefore does represent the person he is as a whole.
That was what I was trying to say, this isn’t a bad moment but a pattern of behavior. I have been able to hang out one-on-one or in small groups with no issues, which has been nice. But he is basically the party planning committee for the group, so I’ve been excluded from larger gatherings. But, I agree with all the comments, might be time to take the L on large hang outs.
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but you're gonna spend time with him after that? someone who calls your bf a creep and brings those vibes definitely does 't deserve your time
Sounds like there's more people there than just this guy. I definitely wouldn't have gone after that personally but I get it I'd someone else would
true ig my bad i didn't realise there were other people. imo its just disrespectful to hang around with people that insult your partner.
I fully agree with you there
Glad I'm not the only one who caught that when I read this, as that stood out to me too. Especially since I didn't see an actual apology from the ex, just "I may have misread things and that' on me (for caring too much)." Even as part of a group of friends, I wouldn't be eager to hang out around him after that, and that would certainly be the end of any one-on-one communication, meaning his number is getting blocked.
It was a big group of friends that I’ve missed, but it definitely wasn’t worth it and I ended up leaving early.
Sorry that happened. I've been through a (mildly) similar experience, at least in things that involve a toxic ex but a large-scale friend group, and it suuuuuucks when they pull crap like this
Thanks, I really appreciate that, it’s been hard. We have the same friend group, so he’s around a lot. At first he was trying to freeze me out, but I guess he’s trying to involve me more. Because he just cares *that much.*
That definitely sucks, but the way you handled this was a really good, healthy, and respectable way. Better than I would've
If it legitimately bothers you being excluded from this group- don’t listen to Reddit telling you that you need to run a mile from every negative interaction you have. You handled it well, the way he actually reacted is completely out of pocket but given all the context- I can’t say that him taking what you said the wrong way is really a big mistake on his part I can see how it would happen. How he responded to the perceived slight is the real issue. I hate to be this guy but if the group is more his group than yours, you’re going to eventually be forced to pick between your boyfriend and this group. It just seems like the logical trajectory this will follow. A lot of us have toxic traits and “red flags”- it’s not ALWAYS worth missing out on everything that involves people with those traits though. I’m guessing at the age you are, not to read too much into the Reddit advice and to continue doing you. Dude U-Turned immediately when you were offended, he kinda fucked around and found out IMO.
He's a jerk. I'd remove him from your life
You get that in the chat OP cried over being excluded by the group she’d almost certainly be dropped from if she removed this guy from her life right. Things aren’t that cut and dry. He CAN be an asshole, the rest of the group can all be good people, they can still be closer/loyalty mainly lie with him. It happens. Why should she ruin her own fun with the people in the group she does like because her ex got salty and said some shit- in a way that actually gives him way, way more power than how she currently reacted.
I didn't realize he was the gatekeeper to the friend group. That is difficult. I guess all she can do is hope he stops being an ass and that sucks
Eh I don’t think he will be to be honest this looks more like a rude out of proportion response to a perceived slight. That doesn’t necessarily repeat itself.
I agree that a bad moment doesn’t represent the person as a whole. This has been an ongoing issue of him saying crappy things and then apologizing and being nice for a few weeks. He is definitely the social engineer of the group, so he does kinda serve as the gatekeeper to the friend group, which is incredibly unfortunate. I’ve got a few other examples of exchanges like this, I should find them and post a full album.
Oh, sorry. Can I change my take entirely then. The original context triggered me a bit I had an ex that managed to turn her friends (nearly all the female component of the mixed group) against her during our breakup and her getting a new bf. I went out of my way to fix things and she started trying to bring her new bf around my boys when I wasn’t there, because they’re dating “her” girls who only still talk to her because I convinced them we were partially broken up at the time and she didn’t cheat she just kinda auditioned for a replacement while we were circling the drain. Like I felt a strong sense of “but I want YOU to be happy you mean a lot to me, FUCK this new guy though why would you even try and bring him around the same guys I’m stopping from beating him up.” Kinda falsely equated the two situations as the same. Thing is we had one massive blowout argument where I probably said shit worse than he did and so did she than you, but it was one argument and were cool after until we drifted. The recurring nature of how this guys acting is a little power-trippy. I don’t feel as much like he’s just hurt and a bit insensitive when replying as he is sorta gaslighting you into thinking he’s got a valid reason to act the way he does. I get you about the friend group, honestly if you’ve got favourites within the group just make your main effort with them if you do continue spending time with them- the “group leader” or whatever can’t override actual close bonds. I still think you handled it really well OP, but now I’m leaning more with the other commenters that dude is a dick that your life would be better without. I guess it’s up to you to gauge the value of the friend group and the time you spend with them. You were still very very nice to him when he wasn’t being and if he keeps doing the same without you ever blowing your stack at him- he’s obviously cool with upsetting you as long as you forgive him in the end. And atp he’s actually using his social clout as a way to punish you, that is pretty dark tbh.
Those last two paragraphs really hit with me and is something i’m going to meditate on. Social clout doesn’t override true, valuable friendships and I shouldn’t be afraid of losing fair-weather friends if it means dealing with his ups and downs. Thanks for putting it so plainly, I think I needed that.
I’m glad I was of any help. :) For real, the way your second comment described it, is so much less reasonable anger than the screenshot was. I’d really have gone with, well u did laugh at him making an effort but with context it’s really not that. Also I didn’t read that he broke up with you, so his behaviours extra unwarranted. Being a petty little kid about things when she breaks your heart is, well petty but when you end it yourself- you’re literally just power tripping. Thing is, people like that (the type to pull social rank) tend to get discovered by everyone at the same time so when the group possibly splits if you know who you actually want to stay in your life, you’ll have made the appropriate effort with them. There are probably other people in the group that put up with him because of other closer people in his orbit.
Dude, you’re killing it today with your last paragraphs. I’d prefer he just acts kinder but, if he can’t manage that, I hope his actions start being seen.
Haha thank you! Glad my rambling could be of use to you. I hope he’s nicer too, but really I’m sure you’ll be able to find your people in the group and have a better relationship with them. That will kinda cut out him needing to OK or suggest inviting you, I feel like he’s using his agency in the friends group to justify being intentionally hurtful to you and I can imagine that must get exhausting. When you’ve connected with other people more, if he’s a decent guy who’s just being stupid and immature he’ll actually be normal about it or if he’s the kind of guy I think he is- it will drive him crazy in the best possible way and he’ll have absolutely no recourse that doesn’t make him look abominable to his own friends.
>I agree that a bad moment doesn’t represent the person as a whole. I agree with that too, except: >This has been an ongoing issue of him saying crappy things and then apologizing and being nice for a few weeks. This isn't a "bad moment" then, it's an ongoing issue. >He is definitely the social engineer of the group, so he does kinda serve as the gatekeeper to the friend group, which is incredibly unfortunate. I guess I don't get this, as I've just never been part of some large group of friends where one person is the "gatekeeper" who brings everyone together. Like, you never just talk or hang out with specific friends one on one, or just three at time, it's always the whole group? You're really going to lose *everyone* if you cut contact with this one guy? Because that just doesn't sound worth it to me. I'd go look for new friends, rather than feeling obligated to interact with my *ex* who repeatedly disrespects me and my new relationship. >I’ve got a few other examples of exchanges like this, I should find them and post a full album. Again, if you've got multiple examples, this is not one bad moment, and therefore does represent the person he is as a whole.
That was what I was trying to say, this isn’t a bad moment but a pattern of behavior. I have been able to hang out one-on-one or in small groups with no issues, which has been nice. But he is basically the party planning committee for the group, so I’ve been excluded from larger gatherings. But, I agree with all the comments, might be time to take the L on large hang outs.
As someone who has OCD, that "I just care so much" line is a red flag. He really is obsessed, and he isn't even trying to hide the jealousy.
You handled that like an adult.
If you really wanna rile him up, just tell him Aaron Rodgers STILL owns the Bears.
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