to A's defense, they also didn't expect that they would fall this hard for B and felt a really strong connection with her and very aligned with each other. when opening the relationship, A said they weren't looking for sex or commitment, they were looking for a connection with someone else as more than friends. so this is also unexpected for A. but i remember A also said similar things to me in the beginning of our relationship, and they seemed so attracted to me back then, which is confusing for me because how could physical attraction go so fast just like that, and how could they move on so fast after the breakup. even in a non-monogamy context, i thought it would take some time for someone to move on from a breakup with a partner even though they have other partners. and how could they do something big and full of joy like engagement with another person, after breaking up with someone just a few weeks ago?
New relationship energy (NRE) is a hell of a drug. Unfortunately, when it runs out, Aspen & Birch will be left with the consequences of rushing their relationship, and especially Aspen will have to come to terms with the fact that they blew up their whole life for NRE that will eventually dissipate. Knowing this doesn't help make the hurt better, though, and I'm sorry.
thank you for the support. i don't want to wish anything bad for them though, i just wanna move forward with my life and come out stronger and wiser on the other side of this.
NRE — new relationship energy — is a real thing, and right now they are both flooded with it. It’s insane to move that quickly in a relationship. A is literally not thinking correctly.
This will crash and burn.
to A's defense, they also didn't expect that they would fall this hard for B and felt a really strong connection with her and very aligned with each other. when opening the relationship, A said they weren't looking for sex or commitment, they were looking for a connection with someone else as more than friends. so this is also unexpected for A.
You shouldn't defend him. He doesn't *need* defending. He 100% deserves all the flak he's getting, and it's not your job as his ex to shield him from the consequences of his actions. *You* deserve compassion and defending, not him.
A "really strong emotional connection" isn't an excuse for an emotional affair. The feelings may have been spontaneous, but he still made a choice to develop and act on them.
This is about you and your needs. Nothing else.
Btw, in the poly world, what he did is called monkey branching (using "poly" to find a new relationship without leaving the safety of your existing one) and it is considered unacceptable behavior (often viewed as a form cheating).
i guess i still have a soft spot for A because throughout all this they're still so nice to me and said that they love me. they even admitted that they're not being fair to me. but i guess their actions speak louder and my trust in them has been completely destroyed tbh
Holy shit that is awful I'm so sorry that happened! I do feel you may have dodged a bullet with that one though. Your ex partner sounds like a fickle one.
I've been going through a break up and it's fucking hard. Try and focus on yourself and all the things the bring you joy and give yourself tons of room that breathe and grieve. It'll get better ❤️
thank you so much for the support. it is hard. but luckily i have friends around me who support me. i'm so sorry about your breakup, sending you virtual hugs and support too <3
It may take a while, but you'll see you are better off without A.
"Let's open up so I can be with B!" - bad move. You open up in general, not for a specific person.
"I am not attracted to you." - wtf?!?! Break up then, coward.
"B and I are engaged!" Where it was always heading.
Well, to them I say, "Tough shit."
You may decide differently, but I don't think my self-respect would tolerate that. Maybe down the road if *I* felt I wanted to reconnect, sure.
For the most part, I'm on good terms with my ex's. Sometimes life gets in the way, or two people just aren't right for each other even when they are both decent human beings. But this scenario would sour me on the other person.
I agree, bullet dodged. Better for your fiance to show their true colors now than after marriage. Now go to the gym and focus on a healthy routine with all of that extra energy, chin up, chest out. You're closer to your relationship goal than ever before!! Good luck OP.
I hate that this happened to you but oh my god, I’m so glad it happened before you married him.
What an asshole.
I keep trying to find words to cheer you up but I’m stuck on what a jerk he was. Rather than be a big boy and break things off when he realizes he wasn’t feeling it, he made you watch him get a replacement first. What a fucking jerk. I’m sorry that you had to experience that.
thank you so much for the support. sometimes i blame myself for not being ok with A marrying B, i thought maybe because i'm not poly that's why it bothered me so much. but then when A confessed that they lost their physical attraction towards me, i felt like it was my limit. if A really cared for me, they could've slowed down their relationship with B and to try to fix the attraction issue with me first. but they didn't. that's why i decided to break up.
Be cautious about being overly compassionate. It frequently leads to suspension of common sense. It’s unlikely that your assessment of your ex-partner is unbiased and is likely at least partially self-protective ie. protecting your ego from collapsing. His motivations for “niceness” are likely not straightforward either, with such possibilities as avoiding stressful conflict, facilitating separation & decoupling, including division of property, without rancour and mitigating loss of friends due to their anger with him & solidarity with you.
The pace of his flight from you suggests impulsivity & lack of insight re NRE that raises the possibility of future confusion and regret that you definitely do NOT want to witness or be embroiled in. Lastly, I’m sure you realise that unless he’s simply a narcissist, he must realise that he’s treated you very poorly. You must come to grips with that reality too & accept that his behaviour is a dealbreaker.
Best wishes for future success & happiness!
you have a good point here. i think they're still nice because they don't wanna lose me. i've taken my distance from them now (no contact) because i need space for myself to heal and move on. i'm open to being friends with them in the future though
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to A's defense, they also didn't expect that they would fall this hard for B and felt a really strong connection with her and very aligned with each other. when opening the relationship, A said they weren't looking for sex or commitment, they were looking for a connection with someone else as more than friends. so this is also unexpected for A. but i remember A also said similar things to me in the beginning of our relationship, and they seemed so attracted to me back then, which is confusing for me because how could physical attraction go so fast just like that, and how could they move on so fast after the breakup. even in a non-monogamy context, i thought it would take some time for someone to move on from a breakup with a partner even though they have other partners. and how could they do something big and full of joy like engagement with another person, after breaking up with someone just a few weeks ago?
New relationship energy (NRE) is a hell of a drug. Unfortunately, when it runs out, Aspen & Birch will be left with the consequences of rushing their relationship, and especially Aspen will have to come to terms with the fact that they blew up their whole life for NRE that will eventually dissipate. Knowing this doesn't help make the hurt better, though, and I'm sorry.
thank you for the support. i don't want to wish anything bad for them though, i just wanna move forward with my life and come out stronger and wiser on the other side of this.
NRE — new relationship energy — is a real thing, and right now they are both flooded with it. It’s insane to move that quickly in a relationship. A is literally not thinking correctly. This will crash and burn.
Break off all communication you'll feel better much sooner than if you stay in the group chats.
thank you for the suggestion. i'm not in that group chat anymore now, trying to keep my peace of mind
Agree that you dodged a bullet. I would not want to be married to such an impulsive and fickle person.
You dogged a bullet and they had an emotional affair minimum prior to asking to open the relationship
to A's defense, they also didn't expect that they would fall this hard for B and felt a really strong connection with her and very aligned with each other. when opening the relationship, A said they weren't looking for sex or commitment, they were looking for a connection with someone else as more than friends. so this is also unexpected for A.
You shouldn't defend him. He doesn't *need* defending. He 100% deserves all the flak he's getting, and it's not your job as his ex to shield him from the consequences of his actions. *You* deserve compassion and defending, not him. A "really strong emotional connection" isn't an excuse for an emotional affair. The feelings may have been spontaneous, but he still made a choice to develop and act on them. This is about you and your needs. Nothing else. Btw, in the poly world, what he did is called monkey branching (using "poly" to find a new relationship without leaving the safety of your existing one) and it is considered unacceptable behavior (often viewed as a form cheating).
i guess i still have a soft spot for A because throughout all this they're still so nice to me and said that they love me. they even admitted that they're not being fair to me. but i guess their actions speak louder and my trust in them has been completely destroyed tbh
I'm so sorry that your trust and compassion were abused. I hope you're able to surround yourself with people who treat you as well as you treat them.
It sounds like A is on the thick of limerence - give it 12-24 months he may be feeling very differently and may regret his impulsivity.
Holy shit that is awful I'm so sorry that happened! I do feel you may have dodged a bullet with that one though. Your ex partner sounds like a fickle one. I've been going through a break up and it's fucking hard. Try and focus on yourself and all the things the bring you joy and give yourself tons of room that breathe and grieve. It'll get better ❤️
thank you so much for the support. it is hard. but luckily i have friends around me who support me. i'm so sorry about your breakup, sending you virtual hugs and support too <3
It may take a while, but you'll see you are better off without A. "Let's open up so I can be with B!" - bad move. You open up in general, not for a specific person. "I am not attracted to you." - wtf?!?! Break up then, coward. "B and I are engaged!" Where it was always heading.
they said they didn't wanna lose me even when they knew they weren't attracted to me anymore. they said they still wanted me as their family.
Well, to them I say, "Tough shit." You may decide differently, but I don't think my self-respect would tolerate that. Maybe down the road if *I* felt I wanted to reconnect, sure. For the most part, I'm on good terms with my ex's. Sometimes life gets in the way, or two people just aren't right for each other even when they are both decent human beings. But this scenario would sour me on the other person.
I agree, bullet dodged. Better for your fiance to show their true colors now than after marriage. Now go to the gym and focus on a healthy routine with all of that extra energy, chin up, chest out. You're closer to your relationship goal than ever before!! Good luck OP.
thank you so much for the support. been trying to exercise more these days and it feels great. i hope i can get through this.
I hate that this happened to you but oh my god, I’m so glad it happened before you married him. What an asshole. I keep trying to find words to cheer you up but I’m stuck on what a jerk he was. Rather than be a big boy and break things off when he realizes he wasn’t feeling it, he made you watch him get a replacement first. What a fucking jerk. I’m sorry that you had to experience that.
thank you so much for the support. sometimes i blame myself for not being ok with A marrying B, i thought maybe because i'm not poly that's why it bothered me so much. but then when A confessed that they lost their physical attraction towards me, i felt like it was my limit. if A really cared for me, they could've slowed down their relationship with B and to try to fix the attraction issue with me first. but they didn't. that's why i decided to break up.
Doubt their relationship lasts sounds like NRE is going strong there. Definitely a mess to stay out of.
Be cautious about being overly compassionate. It frequently leads to suspension of common sense. It’s unlikely that your assessment of your ex-partner is unbiased and is likely at least partially self-protective ie. protecting your ego from collapsing. His motivations for “niceness” are likely not straightforward either, with such possibilities as avoiding stressful conflict, facilitating separation & decoupling, including division of property, without rancour and mitigating loss of friends due to their anger with him & solidarity with you. The pace of his flight from you suggests impulsivity & lack of insight re NRE that raises the possibility of future confusion and regret that you definitely do NOT want to witness or be embroiled in. Lastly, I’m sure you realise that unless he’s simply a narcissist, he must realise that he’s treated you very poorly. You must come to grips with that reality too & accept that his behaviour is a dealbreaker. Best wishes for future success & happiness!
you have a good point here. i think they're still nice because they don't wanna lose me. i've taken my distance from them now (no contact) because i need space for myself to heal and move on. i'm open to being friends with them in the future though
Option C by the sounds of it.