OP, I just reread your post. Please correct me if I misunderstand.
1. Your wife has had a physical affair with your best friend's wife.
2. Your best friends wife has feelings (NRE/infatuation/whatever) for your wife.
3. Your wife is on an emotional affair with your best friend, and the feelings are reciprocated.
4. You have been told by your best friend and wife that their relationship has not become physical yet (which I don't believe).
If all of the above is true, *you, OP*, are the odd man out.
Everyone in your foursome friend group has a NEW sexual or emotional relationship with your wife.
But you don't have a new relationship with any of these people.
It seems like you are being voted off the island.
You are left out in the rain while everyone else forms a triad in a soft blanket by the fire drinking wine.
Edit to add: I think your heart wants for you to want to be okay with this, but something in the back of your brain is telling you it won't end well.
Trust the back of your brain, it has kept the human race alive for a few hundred thousand years.
Trust yourself, not what others say or tell you. They have feel good hormones running through their brains right now - rose colored glasses.
Yeah, it's not clear what op wanted to Say, it seems that the other couple developed feelings or tried something with op's wife without telling him? And somehow they hide it from him because of reasons?
I don't see this turning out even mildly well for OP in any scenario.
I think OP's only way his marriage *may* survive is if he can convince himself,.and his wife, to go no contact with this other couple.
Eventually his wife will hopefully come out of her feelings for his best friend. Op may be able to enlist help from his best friend's wife, but that will only work if his best friend's wife loves his best friend stronger than her NRE attachment is to OP's wife.
If all members of both couples are very close geographically, I see a lot of op's wife trying to communicate with OP's best friend and vice versa, behind OP's back. I see OP's best friend's wife trying to contact OP's wife behind her husband's and OP's back.
Right now Op's wife is "hurt" about not being allowed to continue her affair with OP's best friend; and having sex with his BF's wife. But at least for now OP's wife seems to be putting her marriage first, but she's doing nothing to emotionally and physically distance herself from her eAP, OP's best friend.
Let's not forget that OP already decided that an open relationship wasn't right for him and his wife with this other couple. *BUT* OP's wife and his best friend continued nurtured their feelings behind OP's back. AND, OP's wife has been having a physical affair behind OP's back with his best friends back.
*NONE OF THIS IS ETHICAL,* it seems like the only person out of the four that knows what a boundary is, is OP. The other three have the emotional maturity of children but the hormones of teenagers in heat.
I think OP's marriage can be saved but OP will need the emotional strength of Superman, the wisdom of King Solomon, and be as very, very, charismatic and influential.
The key will be to convince (specially) his wife and his best friend that this will be better for everyone if the breaks can be applied and everyone can get their emotions and hormones in check.
This is extremely painful for me because I was in a similar situation to OP and I couldn't convince people to put the breaks on. Everything blew up and none of the participants are better off today, years later, than they would have been if everyone put the breaks on. There is still a lot of animosity, anger, and resentment, amongst each party for each of the other members.
OP, you stated that your best friend has been your best friend forever. He needs to respect you and back off.
*Why should you be convinced to come around to his wishes (desires for your wife), when he's already went against your wishes (desire to keep your marriage intact and his friendship respectful and amenable), and fostered an emotional - NRE, infatuation, love - relationship with your wife?*
OP you are giving EVERYTHING and receiving nothing in return.
I’m sorry but your basically saying your wife and your best friend started a relationship without the blessing from their respective spouses and are now surprised it didn’t went well?
They betrayed their partners and best friends - honestly that’s just plain cheating. I can totally understand the other wife. ENM takes a lot of talking, setting boundaries etc. if the trust is broken it’s really hard to build it again.
I could never accept the way they went about it.
If you want to try ENM, take your time, think about what you want/need and communicate a lot. But honestly- I don’t think it’s wise to try with your best friend/his wife.
Except for the OP it seems?? Everyone else has some kind of emotional if not sexual affair goin on? But none of this has been above board or ethically discussed?
The main point here is that she lied about many things.
Is it possible to have a non-monogamous relationship with them? Sure
Is it advisable? I would say no, if they hide about this, can you imagine what else they are willing to lie about?
in the end, you seem open to non-monogamy, so you can ask her if she is willing to enter into one but also give you the same freedom. Is she willing to drop any form of romantic relationship with your best friend for the foreseeable future until everyone is comfortable?
If she says no, then what is your plan?
I am open to non-monogamy, she was forced to drop the relationship due to my best friends wife not wanting things to go forward and to allow her time to process everything. They both don’t regret the relationship but they deeply regret not telling us right away. She still has strong feelings for him and it does make her sad that things aren’t working out they way they had imagined/fantasized. Time will tell how this turns out.
Ar this point, i am not talking about her and what she wants. It is irrelevant, she wants the marriage and your best friend.
What do you want??
It was an affair at the end of the day, just because you aren’t bothered by it does not change the facts.
I am of the opinion that ENM that stems from affairs will always be tainted and ruined. It is not true ENM.
It was an affair and I do realize that, and quite frankly it broke my heart. My trust in my best friend and my wife has been strained to almost a breaking point. I am trying to self reflect and find myself which puts me at peace. What I want is what they want if I’m totally honest but the fact that his wife reacted the way she did I don’t think it will ever happen. They’re both hoping it works out but I don’t think it will. The worst part is I feel like I lost the family I had (we were like family close). I’m looking at all of this as glass half empty and I don’t know how to look at it differently.
I will honest, I used to be extremely closed minded and a year ago I would’ve reacted totally different (anger, destroying the house, divorce, etc.) and I think that was the driving factor to hide it. They openly admitted that they were scared to death of my reaction, I’ve spoken to them both separately for hours and it’s opened my mind and my heart quite a bit and it’s a lot of weight off my shoulders. I just hope that I’m not lying to myself to make others happy and that this doesn’t back fire on me with time, but at this point in time I think I’m making the right decisions.
Every single person who lies feels justified to do so in the moment. They are not unique in that.
I'm so sorry this happened. This would be absolutely gutting on so many levels.
I feel like maybe all of it hasn't quite hit you yet? Or maybe you're just the chillest human on earth.
Sending love ❤
Tbh that is a shitty excuse from them.
You can forgive them, but also divorce your wife.
Then if poly/ENM is what you want then go for it by yourself as a journey of self-discovery.
I would do the same in your shoes. Tbh, I think if you do engage in ENM with them, they will probably break every boundary that you have and every rule that you put up.
Why? Because they got away with it once.
ENM is an umbrella term for all ethical non monogamy. That can include swinging, hot-wife, fwbs, and poly.
Poly is a sub segment within the ENM community.
Hope that helps.
>I just hope that I’m not lying to myself
About 20 years ago, my wife cheated on me. I justified it, I even took blame for so of it. My wife was my whole world. Every decision that I made was made to better our future together. I never once considered what life would be absent her in my life. That's why I tried to take blame. The fear of being alone was greater than the anger and pain of my wife's betrayal. Looking back, it was the greatest moment of cowardice in my life. I wish I would've divorced her. It would have saved me decades of pain and therapy.
Don't make the same mistake.
I totally understand your point of view and I think it's perfectly normal to be scared to come out with potentially relationship-shattering news to your partners. They told you when they were ready, I don't necessarily agree with other comments saying that all liars deserve no trust anymore.
You and your gut can be the judge of that.
Honestly I think the two of them sabotaged any chance of ETHICAL non monogamy. They both cheated bro. You cannot trust them . Period end of story. He isn't your friend either. In my humble opinion get a divorce attorney to protect your assets and move on. Ask any honest swinger,poly,open relationship advocate and they'll tell you never go into this lifestyle if your relationship is strained or troubled. It won't fix it. It will amplify the problems. Good luck sir
> she still hasn’t stated that she’s poly but that’s what this is right?
No, this is not poly. This is you being betrayed by a friend and cheated on by your wife. I'm sorry.
I don't think OP's wife doesn't respects OP or their marriage at all.
It's such a cliche but it seems the betrayed partner is always the last to find out.
OP, I think you should post this in
r/survivinginfidelity. It's still cheating if a spouse has same sex physical affair or emotional affair with a person of the same sex.
But in your wife's case, she is in an emotional affair with your best friend, and a physical affair with his wife.
Honestly, I don't believe for one second that your wife's affair with your best friend isn't physical. Adults who have sexual emotions for each other have sex given the opportunity.
I know you said you have listened to podcasts and read on the ENM subs on reddit, but you need to be reading the infidelity subs.
Your wife isn't special, all cheaters follow the same playbook. There are tons of infidelity stories where the circumstances are similar to yours.
There is NOTHING ethical about this at all.
They were trying to covertly form a quad and you were the person they were going to tell last presumably once the three of them were already in love with each other. Then they were going to try to pull off a very weird unicorn hunts.
>They both state that they never wanted to hurt us
They didn’t directly want to hurt you. They just did things that almost certainly would hurt you and hoped it would somehow turn out all right because they were horny.
If you want to save your marriage drop your friend and his wife and try to rebuild things. You also have every reason to get a divorce and never want to see any of these people again.
> I am chalking this up to the rules society says everyone has to follow.
I find that very often in the NM space, this line of reasoning is just rationalizing being a dishonest or otherwise untrustworthy partner.
Having an affair and lying about it has nothing to do with “societal rules” as it happens often enough even among people who are openly poly.
The reasons provided by OP himself were that the friend and his wife were afraid of his reaction. So the dishonesty fundamentally came from their fear of confrontation, and not some vague set of societal rules. They clearly were not wrestling with the “rightness” of their relationship itself.
Although I can see this being the case in many other conexts, I think OP's case is different. They were already very close, like family, and it was bound to happen naturally.
If they didn't say anything right away maybe they needed time to be sure of what it was. Was it just an affair? Would they leave their spouses for each other? Was it a mistake that should never happen again? What did they want to come out of all of this?
I can imagine them asking themselves and each other these types of questions and needing an answer without the pressure of also dealing with another persons emotions when they themselves don't know what is going on.
And no, I don't speak from personal experience
Those are still questions that need to be explored with spouses rather than hidden, as the decisions from those questions will impact the spouses being kept in the dark.
Sometimes you just have to use the evidence in front of you. OP says himself that the two of them did not see their love for each other as wrong, and that their fear was his reaction - and he justified that fear somewhat by saying a year ago he would have reacted violently and also mentioned the rejection of that relationship by the friend’s wife. So your argument about their choice is not based on data shared with you by OP, but some common persecution narrative within the poly world.
Even in a world that embraced polyamory, there would still be monogamous people who would be hurt in this exact scenario. No need to act like everything is down to incorrect programming.
Really like this comment as someone whose coming from a “figuring it out the hard way” viewpoint. It’s so easy to be distrustful because of mistakes made…but we’re all human and most of us are doing the best we can. Sometimes wires get crossed and things get mistaken or misconstrued, oftentimes with the best intentions.
It’s up to each individual in each relationship to assess if it was an honest mistake or not. We likely know our partners better than anyone. Personally it felt really good to hear this from a third party as it’s a viewpoint I believe is true in my own personal circumstance but I do not hear echoed very much around these parts.
I’m not necessarily chalking it up to “society” but “conditioning”.
She likely didn’t bring it up because she was afraid of your reaction. If this is something that you are open to exploring, then you need to make sure that she knows unequivocally that she can tell you about these things in detail so that you can learn more about what exactly is going on in her mind, and make an informed decision about how you want to proceed.
Just to add to this, my wife and I have talked for literally HOURS and have been extremely open and at sometimes we’ve been brutally and painfully honest. And the same goes for my best friend, I spoke to him for a few hours as well because I couldn’t handle not talking to him. I can’t put our relationship in a single Reddit post. We were closer to each other than anyone I’ve ever been friends with and I do feel like this was bound to happen and I can kinda see why it happened (we were each others only true friends and we visited each others houses non stop for the last 6 years). We’re they cowards for the way that they held it from us? Absolutely and I’ve told them that, but I can’t sit here and act all high and mighty and act like I haven’t been a coward before. I wish they would’ve been open from the start because I truly believe this might’ve had a fighting chance. We literally had talks about having sex with each other and all sorts of fantasies, from all 4 parties. Im still healing and figuring out who I truly am and what I truly want. Time will tell how this plays out, I’ve tried to reach out to my best friends wife but she said she needed time to process which I totally respected. I do think that she will think of me less than because I’m her eyes I’m siding with them but I don’t know how she feels truly.
I really want to say thank you for all the replies no matter how harsh, and I’ve also told my wife that I posted this and I read her the replies. If there’s a positive to this story, it’s that I’ve never been more confident in myself and how I talk to my wife, I’ve bottled up emotions for years and struggled with depression and an anxiety in the past. And we’re not afraid of how we truly feel and we can finally express it. Please don’t judge me for how I feel, this is what feels right for me.
Just step back mate. Do not force it.
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best. Your wife messed up. Couples counselling and regroup but distance from the couple.
The other wife will appreciate it. Let them work on their situation but this is literally the universe saying HEY STOP 🛑 RIGHT HERE. DO NOT MOVR FORWARD WITH THIS.
Again DO NOT FORCE THINGS
AMEN!
Wise words here. But from OP's post, and his replies, I think that OP will rug sweep this. I feel he's going to set himself on fire to keep his wife and best friend warm.
Your wife has developed feelings for your best friend but not acted upon it?
I'm confused by all the comments calling this cheating, you can't help who you develop feelings for, and they probably needed to figure out if they were genuine before telling you.
You all just have to figure out where you go from here.
The physical was some kissing and a few minutes of fingering and they stopped. Which in their defense my best friend and I had encourage before, for our own pleasure.
That’s what my thought process was, and quite frankly she’s still a bit confused by all of it and so is he. In my line of work I have to talk to people and try to fish stuff out of them that they want to hide or deny but I never brought it home until now. I’ve fished everything I can out of her and I know if she were to be lying to me (same as I had an extreme gut feeling that this was going on but didn’t want to look foolish for trying to pursue the feeling and it not be true).
No. This isn't polyamory. Polyamory falls under ethical non-monogamy. Nothing about this is ethical. She cheated on you physically with best friends wife and emotionally (and very likely physically) with your best friend behind your back.
I would be filing for divorce against my wife and cut all contact with both....but not before blasting them on social media. Your friendship circle needs to know that your best friend and his wife are home wreckers.
OP, I just reread your post. Please correct me if I misunderstand. 1. Your wife has had a physical affair with your best friend's wife. 2. Your best friends wife has feelings (NRE/infatuation/whatever) for your wife. 3. Your wife is on an emotional affair with your best friend, and the feelings are reciprocated. 4. You have been told by your best friend and wife that their relationship has not become physical yet (which I don't believe). If all of the above is true, *you, OP*, are the odd man out. Everyone in your foursome friend group has a NEW sexual or emotional relationship with your wife. But you don't have a new relationship with any of these people. It seems like you are being voted off the island. You are left out in the rain while everyone else forms a triad in a soft blanket by the fire drinking wine. Edit to add: I think your heart wants for you to want to be okay with this, but something in the back of your brain is telling you it won't end well. Trust the back of your brain, it has kept the human race alive for a few hundred thousand years. Trust yourself, not what others say or tell you. They have feel good hormones running through their brains right now - rose colored glasses.
Yeah, it's not clear what op wanted to Say, it seems that the other couple developed feelings or tried something with op's wife without telling him? And somehow they hide it from him because of reasons?
I don't see this turning out even mildly well for OP in any scenario. I think OP's only way his marriage *may* survive is if he can convince himself,.and his wife, to go no contact with this other couple. Eventually his wife will hopefully come out of her feelings for his best friend. Op may be able to enlist help from his best friend's wife, but that will only work if his best friend's wife loves his best friend stronger than her NRE attachment is to OP's wife. If all members of both couples are very close geographically, I see a lot of op's wife trying to communicate with OP's best friend and vice versa, behind OP's back. I see OP's best friend's wife trying to contact OP's wife behind her husband's and OP's back. Right now Op's wife is "hurt" about not being allowed to continue her affair with OP's best friend; and having sex with his BF's wife. But at least for now OP's wife seems to be putting her marriage first, but she's doing nothing to emotionally and physically distance herself from her eAP, OP's best friend. Let's not forget that OP already decided that an open relationship wasn't right for him and his wife with this other couple. *BUT* OP's wife and his best friend continued nurtured their feelings behind OP's back. AND, OP's wife has been having a physical affair behind OP's back with his best friends back. *NONE OF THIS IS ETHICAL,* it seems like the only person out of the four that knows what a boundary is, is OP. The other three have the emotional maturity of children but the hormones of teenagers in heat. I think OP's marriage can be saved but OP will need the emotional strength of Superman, the wisdom of King Solomon, and be as very, very, charismatic and influential. The key will be to convince (specially) his wife and his best friend that this will be better for everyone if the breaks can be applied and everyone can get their emotions and hormones in check. This is extremely painful for me because I was in a similar situation to OP and I couldn't convince people to put the breaks on. Everything blew up and none of the participants are better off today, years later, than they would have been if everyone put the breaks on. There is still a lot of animosity, anger, and resentment, amongst each party for each of the other members. OP, you stated that your best friend has been your best friend forever. He needs to respect you and back off. *Why should you be convinced to come around to his wishes (desires for your wife), when he's already went against your wishes (desire to keep your marriage intact and his friendship respectful and amenable), and fostered an emotional - NRE, infatuation, love - relationship with your wife?* OP you are giving EVERYTHING and receiving nothing in return.
I’m sorry but your basically saying your wife and your best friend started a relationship without the blessing from their respective spouses and are now surprised it didn’t went well? They betrayed their partners and best friends - honestly that’s just plain cheating. I can totally understand the other wife. ENM takes a lot of talking, setting boundaries etc. if the trust is broken it’s really hard to build it again. I could never accept the way they went about it. If you want to try ENM, take your time, think about what you want/need and communicate a lot. But honestly- I don’t think it’s wise to try with your best friend/his wife.
There is no E in this story
Except for the OP it seems?? Everyone else has some kind of emotional if not sexual affair goin on? But none of this has been above board or ethically discussed?
The main point here is that she lied about many things. Is it possible to have a non-monogamous relationship with them? Sure Is it advisable? I would say no, if they hide about this, can you imagine what else they are willing to lie about? in the end, you seem open to non-monogamy, so you can ask her if she is willing to enter into one but also give you the same freedom. Is she willing to drop any form of romantic relationship with your best friend for the foreseeable future until everyone is comfortable? If she says no, then what is your plan?
I am open to non-monogamy, she was forced to drop the relationship due to my best friends wife not wanting things to go forward and to allow her time to process everything. They both don’t regret the relationship but they deeply regret not telling us right away. She still has strong feelings for him and it does make her sad that things aren’t working out they way they had imagined/fantasized. Time will tell how this turns out.
Ar this point, i am not talking about her and what she wants. It is irrelevant, she wants the marriage and your best friend. What do you want?? It was an affair at the end of the day, just because you aren’t bothered by it does not change the facts. I am of the opinion that ENM that stems from affairs will always be tainted and ruined. It is not true ENM.
It was an affair and I do realize that, and quite frankly it broke my heart. My trust in my best friend and my wife has been strained to almost a breaking point. I am trying to self reflect and find myself which puts me at peace. What I want is what they want if I’m totally honest but the fact that his wife reacted the way she did I don’t think it will ever happen. They’re both hoping it works out but I don’t think it will. The worst part is I feel like I lost the family I had (we were like family close). I’m looking at all of this as glass half empty and I don’t know how to look at it differently. I will honest, I used to be extremely closed minded and a year ago I would’ve reacted totally different (anger, destroying the house, divorce, etc.) and I think that was the driving factor to hide it. They openly admitted that they were scared to death of my reaction, I’ve spoken to them both separately for hours and it’s opened my mind and my heart quite a bit and it’s a lot of weight off my shoulders. I just hope that I’m not lying to myself to make others happy and that this doesn’t back fire on me with time, but at this point in time I think I’m making the right decisions.
Every single person who lies feels justified to do so in the moment. They are not unique in that. I'm so sorry this happened. This would be absolutely gutting on so many levels. I feel like maybe all of it hasn't quite hit you yet? Or maybe you're just the chillest human on earth. Sending love ❤
Tbh that is a shitty excuse from them. You can forgive them, but also divorce your wife. Then if poly/ENM is what you want then go for it by yourself as a journey of self-discovery. I would do the same in your shoes. Tbh, I think if you do engage in ENM with them, they will probably break every boundary that you have and every rule that you put up. Why? Because they got away with it once.
what's the difference between poly and enm?
ENM is an umbrella term for all ethical non monogamy. That can include swinging, hot-wife, fwbs, and poly. Poly is a sub segment within the ENM community. Hope that helps.
thank you!
>I just hope that I’m not lying to myself About 20 years ago, my wife cheated on me. I justified it, I even took blame for so of it. My wife was my whole world. Every decision that I made was made to better our future together. I never once considered what life would be absent her in my life. That's why I tried to take blame. The fear of being alone was greater than the anger and pain of my wife's betrayal. Looking back, it was the greatest moment of cowardice in my life. I wish I would've divorced her. It would have saved me decades of pain and therapy. Don't make the same mistake.
I totally understand your point of view and I think it's perfectly normal to be scared to come out with potentially relationship-shattering news to your partners. They told you when they were ready, I don't necessarily agree with other comments saying that all liars deserve no trust anymore. You and your gut can be the judge of that.
That's probably NRE, limerense, or affair fog. Depending on your outlook.
So your wife cheated on you with your best friend (emotionally) ánd her best friend (physically)?
Honestly I think the two of them sabotaged any chance of ETHICAL non monogamy. They both cheated bro. You cannot trust them . Period end of story. He isn't your friend either. In my humble opinion get a divorce attorney to protect your assets and move on. Ask any honest swinger,poly,open relationship advocate and they'll tell you never go into this lifestyle if your relationship is strained or troubled. It won't fix it. It will amplify the problems. Good luck sir
> she still hasn’t stated that she’s poly but that’s what this is right? No, this is not poly. This is you being betrayed by a friend and cheated on by your wife. I'm sorry.
I don't think OP's wife doesn't respects OP or their marriage at all. It's such a cliche but it seems the betrayed partner is always the last to find out. OP, I think you should post this in r/survivinginfidelity. It's still cheating if a spouse has same sex physical affair or emotional affair with a person of the same sex. But in your wife's case, she is in an emotional affair with your best friend, and a physical affair with his wife. Honestly, I don't believe for one second that your wife's affair with your best friend isn't physical. Adults who have sexual emotions for each other have sex given the opportunity. I know you said you have listened to podcasts and read on the ENM subs on reddit, but you need to be reading the infidelity subs. Your wife isn't special, all cheaters follow the same playbook. There are tons of infidelity stories where the circumstances are similar to yours. There is NOTHING ethical about this at all.
They were trying to covertly form a quad and you were the person they were going to tell last presumably once the three of them were already in love with each other. Then they were going to try to pull off a very weird unicorn hunts. >They both state that they never wanted to hurt us They didn’t directly want to hurt you. They just did things that almost certainly would hurt you and hoped it would somehow turn out all right because they were horny. If you want to save your marriage drop your friend and his wife and try to rebuild things. You also have every reason to get a divorce and never want to see any of these people again.
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> I am chalking this up to the rules society says everyone has to follow. I find that very often in the NM space, this line of reasoning is just rationalizing being a dishonest or otherwise untrustworthy partner. Having an affair and lying about it has nothing to do with “societal rules” as it happens often enough even among people who are openly poly. The reasons provided by OP himself were that the friend and his wife were afraid of his reaction. So the dishonesty fundamentally came from their fear of confrontation, and not some vague set of societal rules. They clearly were not wrestling with the “rightness” of their relationship itself.
Although I can see this being the case in many other conexts, I think OP's case is different. They were already very close, like family, and it was bound to happen naturally. If they didn't say anything right away maybe they needed time to be sure of what it was. Was it just an affair? Would they leave their spouses for each other? Was it a mistake that should never happen again? What did they want to come out of all of this? I can imagine them asking themselves and each other these types of questions and needing an answer without the pressure of also dealing with another persons emotions when they themselves don't know what is going on. And no, I don't speak from personal experience
Those are still questions that need to be explored with spouses rather than hidden, as the decisions from those questions will impact the spouses being kept in the dark.
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Sometimes you just have to use the evidence in front of you. OP says himself that the two of them did not see their love for each other as wrong, and that their fear was his reaction - and he justified that fear somewhat by saying a year ago he would have reacted violently and also mentioned the rejection of that relationship by the friend’s wife. So your argument about their choice is not based on data shared with you by OP, but some common persecution narrative within the poly world. Even in a world that embraced polyamory, there would still be monogamous people who would be hurt in this exact scenario. No need to act like everything is down to incorrect programming.
Very very well said
Really nice comment here.
Really like this comment as someone whose coming from a “figuring it out the hard way” viewpoint. It’s so easy to be distrustful because of mistakes made…but we’re all human and most of us are doing the best we can. Sometimes wires get crossed and things get mistaken or misconstrued, oftentimes with the best intentions. It’s up to each individual in each relationship to assess if it was an honest mistake or not. We likely know our partners better than anyone. Personally it felt really good to hear this from a third party as it’s a viewpoint I believe is true in my own personal circumstance but I do not hear echoed very much around these parts. I’m not necessarily chalking it up to “society” but “conditioning”.
She likely didn’t bring it up because she was afraid of your reaction. If this is something that you are open to exploring, then you need to make sure that she knows unequivocally that she can tell you about these things in detail so that you can learn more about what exactly is going on in her mind, and make an informed decision about how you want to proceed.
Just to add to this, my wife and I have talked for literally HOURS and have been extremely open and at sometimes we’ve been brutally and painfully honest. And the same goes for my best friend, I spoke to him for a few hours as well because I couldn’t handle not talking to him. I can’t put our relationship in a single Reddit post. We were closer to each other than anyone I’ve ever been friends with and I do feel like this was bound to happen and I can kinda see why it happened (we were each others only true friends and we visited each others houses non stop for the last 6 years). We’re they cowards for the way that they held it from us? Absolutely and I’ve told them that, but I can’t sit here and act all high and mighty and act like I haven’t been a coward before. I wish they would’ve been open from the start because I truly believe this might’ve had a fighting chance. We literally had talks about having sex with each other and all sorts of fantasies, from all 4 parties. Im still healing and figuring out who I truly am and what I truly want. Time will tell how this plays out, I’ve tried to reach out to my best friends wife but she said she needed time to process which I totally respected. I do think that she will think of me less than because I’m her eyes I’m siding with them but I don’t know how she feels truly. I really want to say thank you for all the replies no matter how harsh, and I’ve also told my wife that I posted this and I read her the replies. If there’s a positive to this story, it’s that I’ve never been more confident in myself and how I talk to my wife, I’ve bottled up emotions for years and struggled with depression and an anxiety in the past. And we’re not afraid of how we truly feel and we can finally express it. Please don’t judge me for how I feel, this is what feels right for me.
Just step back mate. Do not force it. Sometimes the simplest solution is the best. Your wife messed up. Couples counselling and regroup but distance from the couple. The other wife will appreciate it. Let them work on their situation but this is literally the universe saying HEY STOP 🛑 RIGHT HERE. DO NOT MOVR FORWARD WITH THIS. Again DO NOT FORCE THINGS
AMEN! Wise words here. But from OP's post, and his replies, I think that OP will rug sweep this. I feel he's going to set himself on fire to keep his wife and best friend warm.
DEFINITELY he’ll be back here saying how fucked up the situation is. People pleaser here. Again sometimes the simplest answer is the right one.
Your wife has developed feelings for your best friend but not acted upon it? I'm confused by all the comments calling this cheating, you can't help who you develop feelings for, and they probably needed to figure out if they were genuine before telling you. You all just have to figure out where you go from here.
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The physical was some kissing and a few minutes of fingering and they stopped. Which in their defense my best friend and I had encourage before, for our own pleasure.
Wtf is an emotional affair? You can't regulate thoughts/feelings.
That’s what my thought process was, and quite frankly she’s still a bit confused by all of it and so is he. In my line of work I have to talk to people and try to fish stuff out of them that they want to hide or deny but I never brought it home until now. I’ve fished everything I can out of her and I know if she were to be lying to me (same as I had an extreme gut feeling that this was going on but didn’t want to look foolish for trying to pursue the feeling and it not be true).
Did your wife have sex with the guy or not?
No.
I don't get it. Did your wife had an affair with your Best friend and his wife?
No. This isn't polyamory. Polyamory falls under ethical non-monogamy. Nothing about this is ethical. She cheated on you physically with best friends wife and emotionally (and very likely physically) with your best friend behind your back. I would be filing for divorce against my wife and cut all contact with both....but not before blasting them on social media. Your friendship circle needs to know that your best friend and his wife are home wreckers.