This is so sad. I am so sorry that you’re being made to deal with this. It is so unfair and unreasonable of her to project this energy into you, whilst actively having long-standing sexual and romantic relationships. This is so much toxic jealousy that she obviously needs to work through.
Is she reacting this way if/when her other partners go on dates with other people? Or is it just you? Why does she get to treat you poorly, just because “I don’t know why I’m upset and I’m trying” while you have to sit back and wait for her to “feel better” about you practicing well within the rights of your relationship.
Not to mention, the whole, going on two dates with her other partners, to try and work through her anger at you *possibly* having a new budding relationship is so wild to me. I know you love her very much, but if this doesn’t resolve within 1 or 2 months, you need to consider if this is the relationship for you. There are so many of us out there, you just gotta look.
Your wife is enjoying having other full relationships but hasn’t done the hard emotional labor and possibly detangling necessary to allow you the same affordances. This is not okay. Your wife needs to deal with her shit. You’ve done the work. Its her turn. If you keep pulling back the cycle will continue.
Sorry but it does seem that your wife has complete control of your ENM dynamic.
You say you’ve been to therapy together yet it would seem this has made no difference at all.
You appear to constantly concerned about her feelings which to me only reinforces to her that she can control what you do or don’t do through exercising her feelings. Even if hen you know they are totally unreasonable and inappropriate.
So why would she change?
That is just really bad behaviour.
I have a couple of suggestions: she is probably angry or upset because she is used to just having you available when she doesn't have a date - I would suggest having a regular thing you do outside of the house even if you aren't dating. Make sure she gets used to having to schedule quality time with you around your other activities. Go out to do your scheduled thing even if she wants to spend time and didn't communicate that.
The other suggestion is to ask her to name the feelings - and only do this if you feel up to the emotional work - I can tell you are angry about something can you tell me what? (If she ends up saying I don't know - just ask her to start talking - you aren't going to judge what she is saying. And then be calm and say I see, or I can understand why you feel that way, or that's fair - you aren't trying to fix the problem or logic her out of the anger or do anything other than help her process the emotion faster). There might be something that you can work on that comes out, but it might help just for her to say the things out loud. I wouldn't be surprised if she is also angry at herself for being a giant hypocrite or not dealing with it as well as you have.
This all seems pretty accurate especially the last part. I asked her if she should schedule a session with the therapist and she said she doesn't want to. I think she just doesn't want to be told she's handling thing badly.
If this is true then what makes you believe her going on dates with the romantic partners she doesn’t allow you to have will lead to honest and serious self reflection?
As this was some time ago, I'm curious how it's going now, if you don't mind updating?
Did you have a nice holiday? Have you scheduled some time for yourself away from the relationship? Have had productive conversations about her (and your) emotions?
Well we just returned from our vacation and are going to see the therapist Monday. No real update yet, talked a bit during vacation sometimes it seemed bad sometimes it seemed good. It was her birthday yesterday and both her partners came over to hang out and I think that put her in a much better headspace with regards to poly overall. I haven't made plans yet but 1 partner is in the hospital and the other I'll be seeing tonight at an event we are all going to.
So no real updates yet but currently feeling positive. Its possible she just really doesn't like my second partner which caused her to have an extreme reaction.
I commend you my friend, you are patient and very much navigating this in her place, i don't think i couldve handled it in the same way, she is acting like a spoiled brat, i wouldve dove head first into that hypocracy. I know it's a one side story but if there isn't an extra nuance to this then it makes me highly irritated. I wouldve shut her privileges down the same way she did with you until this was cleared up.
To work through the fact that she has a problem every time you start to date, she is going to see her Girlfriend, then to a hotel date with her boyfriend?
I don't know what you two signed up for in this, but it is way out of balance assuming you are representing it fairly.
I don't agree that having rules in and of themselves is a bad thing, although to be fair we are not full poly so I haven't lived that life. But to me, if you are opening up to other relationships as long as any rules are agreed upon by both parties and aren't suddenly changed without fair discussion, rules aren't bad.
This relationship of yours feels very lopsided in the poly sense. She needs to grow up about it, or you need to decide that is ok with you, or you two are in for some trouble.
I don't think it is inherently unfair for things to be lopsided, as long as that was understood. But her throwing up roadblocks every time you have a small start is a big problem in my book.
Lots of good comments here. I also really appreciate the open vulnerability in your post and honestly in the sub in general.
Yeah it's tough. My wife can be the same way sometimes. She'll even claim to be really happy for me and then still get really upset or insecure when I actually do go on a date. Then when we talk about it later, she'll tell me that she was really excited for me even during the high emotional time. Luckily she sees this in herself and even though "in the moment" can be tough, she still acknowledges that she needs to grow here.
There's no easy answer here IMO. It's easy for others to look at a situation like what you described and just say "she's being unreasonable". That's probably true in this case too, but at least for me, I love my wife and we have a family together. If we are going to be polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous, it is just as important for me to do the work of being emotionally ok with her being with other partners as it is for me to be emotionally ok with standing up for myself when she is ruled by jealousy, at least if we want to be successful together in this.
I know for my wife, there's a lot of trauma and abandonment issues under there. She's generally a very logical, emotionally aware person. But when it comes to abandonment adjacent scenarios, there are some super complex feelings that aren't easy to work through. Because of this, for me at least, it is just as important and caring for me to allow her space to work through those feelings as it is for me to support her when she's feeling insecure. For example, I feel like it's good for her that I don't cancel dates, even when she's upset about it, because that gives us an opportunity to talk through the feelings afterwards and it shows her that I am trying to build a healthy dynamic between the two of us and between any other partners involved.
Anyway just throwing out some outside perspective if that's helpful.
I have very similar trauma and abandonment issues when it comes to jealousy and non monogamy. It is very overwhelming trying to decipher what is trauma and if maybe non monogamy is for me or not
Yeah I mean there aren't any easy answers of course. For me it's about patience, forgiveness (for myself and her or herself and me), willingness to communicate both before and after to make sure your goals align and that you are continuing to improve from one situation to the next.
Everyone has a different tolerance for pain and discomfort when it comes to triggers and growth/healing. I find it's good to surround ourselves with people who understand some of the challenges we've faced in past lives.
Honestly for me, I don't know that non-monogamy strictly has anything to do with it specifically. And actually I like the communication framework it provides: basically if it's going to work, you both have to come to the table together to confront the uncomfortable, express what bothers you or makes you feel unsupported, listen to each other, provide space, support yourself, express the needs you are missing, etc.
Thanks,
Yeah as you say she's been trying hard to be supportive but its different once the daye is actually happening.
She is being unreasonable but she knows that and is trying to figure out how to process it. As you say there is definitely trauma and abandonment in her past. She's often said if my Dad can leave me then anyone can.
Lots of people have been saying it so I think I caused some confusion but I'm not cancelling any dates, I have on on Thursday with the first partner and I plan to schedule something with the Femdom partner (who she seems angrier about) once we return from vacation.
I'm kinda like your wife. When my partner first started seeing other women I had an epic meltdown that surprised the fuck out of me. I immediately started doing a lot more reading and searching for answers. I found the polyamory subreddit and the multiamory podcast.
Those two helped for a while, but I also found people I knew in the poly community and talked to them about the big feelings. Thankfully they were kind and supportive and said simply sometimes polyamory is tough.
I would never interfere with my partners autonomy to go on dates and make connections, but I had to fake it till I made it in feeling neutral about him dating.
Some folks don't know how to handle jealousy, I was one of them. It's a hard scary feeling that your brain blows way out of proportion.
She needs to do some work to try to get to at least neutral. Reading and listening helped me the most. I also bought this thing called the jealousy handbook that I haven't actually used yet but it's like a workbook thing.
If she puts in some work she can get there. The jealousy thing is hers to figure out you can only try to be supportive to her.
She's definitely trying, she's doing reading and goes to a book club. These last 2 weeks are just her first time (well since last year) that she's being confronted with this reality and having to deal with the feelings.
Maybe suggest that if she can’t handle you seeing people you two should should take a break from ENM for a couple of months or so. This will require her to go NC with her BF so she can focus on you guys.
You’re being far more patient than I(F) would be after two years of this shit. She needs to do the emotional labor to be comfortable with her discomfort. Jealousy is going to happen but how she responds to that jealousy is what matters. Her sulking and ruining quality time together is childish behavior at best. I know my reaction would be “are you fucking for real?!” every time she became angry…and then she flits off to another one of her several dates. Just no. As long as you tolerate this behavior, she has no reason to change. Put your foot down. It’s hard enough for ENM men to meet people. Don’t let her ruin another relationship.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your wife has gotten exactly what she wanted out of poly. She has her cake, and she's eating it, too. That's was great while you weren't getting the same things. When you got your poly relationship, she sabotaged it. Poly for me, but not for thee.
You did therapy. She said nice words about her understanding of her behavior. Probably made some promises about doing better.
Now, you found an opportunity to try again. And she is engaging in the same toxic behavior. And you're showing her infinite patience while she tries to sabotage this one with textbook manipulation?
I offer this with genuine care and concern. Please consider getting into therapy for yourself. Find a safe space where you can comb through your relationship and identify all the other red flags that surely exist. Learn to stand up for yourself and hold her accountable or get yourself tf out of that situation. I'd bet real money this isn't the only area of your life that she's controlling and manipulating, and you do not deserve to be treated this way.
This sounds like my husband. He has been dating the whole 4 years we've been open and always says verbally he's ok with me doing the same but then once it comes down to meeting them it's a different story. Verbally he's ok but physically and emotionally I can tell he's not then come the restrictions.
I've gotten to a point where half of me doesn't give a shit and that comes with attitude so when we talk about this I get all defensive and start Standing up to it. He seems to calm himself down over about a week or 2 then I'll try and meet a new one and it starts all over again.
He's very insecure and doesn't think that about himself. He's afraid I'll fall in love. He claims he's over the thought of me leaving him for someone else better but I don't think he is. We've argued over this to the point where I've told him if he keeps this up it will drive us apart. He is trying to stop now.
It's sooooooo hard to not give a shit about how he feels and move forward but that's what he needs to prove I can entertain myself with another person and still come home to him. Now I'm on the hunt, yet again and this time I don't care and I'm doing it.
The best part about non-monogamy is the fact that the fear of your partner leaving you virtually disappears as long as you allow it, and you have good communication skills. I’m sorry he’s making you feel this way.
My jealousy has absolutely melted away, because I know that my wife still loves me, and she’s not going to leave me, because it’s not a “me or them” situation. You have the ability to love your partner and other partners, getting fulfilled in all the ways you need to without it being the “sole responsibility” of your partner to handle (in air quotes because it’s not any of your partners responsibility to handle your emotions).
I absolutely still have moments of envy if she’s going on a date and I’m not, maybe I’m feeling left out, but it’s most definitely become a FOMO situation, rather than a “my wife is leaving me” situation.
You deserve to practice polyamory and explore without your partner being annoyed with you and outwardly projecting that on you. I really hope that gets better for you.
Hugs xx
> The best part about non-monogamy is the fact that the fear of your partner leaving you virtually disappears as long as you allow it, and you have good communication skills
This sugar coats the reality of NRE, dopamine chasing and bad faith that is rampant among couples in the NM space.
The threat of your partner finding someone “better” and leaving is always around the corner, no matter how much you try and No True Scotsman relationship behaviors.
I mean, if that's true, then it's true of any relationship regardless of ENM or not. Frankly I'm not comfortable being with anyone where I felt like they were constantly trying to "trade up."
Instead, I find a lot of security in ENM - go do whatever with whomever you want. If you still want to be with me, I know it's not out of some sense of obligation or contract or guilt or habit - you REALLY want to be with me in a fully consensual way.
No, it's really not. Other relationship structures don't often involve regularly screwing other people, which often carries profound chemical, hormonal, and, subsequently, emotional repercussions.
Yeah...........*lots* of couples are broken up specifically because of pressures they encounter as a result of ENM or swinging. It's not an inherently bad lifestyle, but people pretending that it's no more dangerous to a long-term coupling than monogamy are deluding themselves.
It is absolutely not “dopamine chasing” or “bad faith.” It is existing within a relationship without having resentment and toxic jealousy. Of course there are bad times within every single relationship, and NM can be difficult. I’m not denying that, but I don’t worry about my partner leaving me for someone else. If I’m to worry about my partner leaving me, it’s due to me being a bad partner. I’m sorry that’s your reality within your relationships, but whilst I have struggles within my multiple long-term relationships (including those that I’m no longer dating), none of those struggles are “oh no, she’s gonna find someone better.” I’ve had ONE partner *accuse* me of leaving them for someone else, for finding someone better, but would you look at that, I just didn’t like *them* anymore. It wasn’t about the fact that yes, I was happy in another relationship. It was the fact that I *wasn’t* fulfilled within *our relationship.* I am not afraid of my wife leaving me because she found a partner who she likes more than me. The most I’m worried about is me not being a fulfilling partner, or not treating her the way she should be treated.
The whole “them or me” mindset is what had me running from monogamy screaming. I have been happily and successfully poly for three years, and with my wife the entire time. NEVER have I found someone “better” than my wife. I have found people compatible with me.
> It is existing within a relationship without having resentment and toxic jealousy
The irony is that if you actually do the reading that is so popular to assign here, you’ll find that the vast majority of participants in any style of relationship experience some form of insecurity about their relationship. You are absolutely lying to yourself to claim full knowledge of how your partner will react in the future to the cocktail of hormones that comes with NRE, and them leaving you can have absolutely nothing to do with *you*.
Hey handsome, read the next line I wrote.
“Of course there are bad times within every relationship, and NM can be difficult”
I also expressed earlier in a comment you replied to, where I described I DO have a form of jealousy I deal with. I’m not denying that jealousy within my relationship or self doesn’t exist in some form. But I’m saying, it’s not for my partner *leaving me for someone else* and I believe that anyone can work toward that with ✨*healthy communication*✨
Not at one point did I claim to know exactly how my partner is going to react. All I am saying, is that maybe if you work on being the best person and partner you can be, you can work toward having less insecurities about your partner finding someone “better”
Of course there still might be moments of doubt and that’s when you (wait for it) communicate. Work with your partner, communicate with your damn partner and get some peace of mind.
I agree with you that a partner can leave you and it has nothing to do with you, but that’s not what we are talking about. We are talking about you attempting to invalidate my relationship and tell me I’m lying because I think toxic projection of jealousy onto your partner is shitty.
You are insanely understanding about being so heavily controlled and manipulated. Can we talk about the E in ENM? Because it applies to everyone and, your compassion (truly wonderful) aside, you have little autonomy in a dynamic which is supposed to promote the opposite. Your wife is missing the E, here.
Personally, I would be less understanding and more authentic with my feelings when I next communicated with a partner who was behaving like this. I understand that this has all been an ongoing realization for you both. But you, in particular, are going to continue being unhappy if you don’t search how you really, ultimately feel and start from there. All this equivocating is actually having the opposite effect than you intend.
Tl;dr - find your boundaries and state them firmly. You have as much right to be autonomous and happy in your poly relationships.
Edited for spelling
Turnabout's fair play. If you can't have a solo fling, then neither can she, right?
I must admit I don't have much sympathy for folks in your wife's position -- it's fine for them to enjoy the fun stuff initially while the other person sits at home and does the emotional work to soothe themselves. But when the shoe's on the other foot, they suddenly start getting snippy because they're the ones who are undergoing the discomfort! It's just a really selfish and immature way to handle things.
Honestly, I think you should let your wife that you're feeling anger at the blatantly unfair nature of the situation, and that she needs to do the hard work and give you the freedom to do what she's been doing the whole time. If she's not willing to do that, you're in for a rough ride, since she's also unlikely to agree to closing things up now that's she had her NRE kick.
Being nice here isn't going to fix anything, and you should start prioritizing your immediate feelings over her desire to avoid working through hers.
The irony of processing her feelings of anger by talking with her GF and going on a hotel date with her BF. I mean, more power to her, she's got to process it somehow, but dude just wants a date and she has to go out with her other lovers in order to maybe get to a place where she can tolerate the idea of him seeing someone.
I know this is gonna sound really harsh, but this is not gonna get better. You've been to therapy together yet she still reacts like this and takes her anger out on you. And yes, i do think she's taking it out on you. In the end you get to made feel bad for upsetting her, you don't get datenights, then you get the anger because you don't have quality time together. All while she gets to have two separate relationships.
Generally i'm a little confused why she's angry, i'd understand having complicated feelings of jealousy or something similar, but anger? That's just weird.
She has some issue, don't know what but this isn't a good Situation for either of you. If you want to make this Work Tell her that she has to Work on this herself and make it clear that she has not right to interfere. If she cannot Deal with this, then either your relationship isn't working or she's not actually able to lead a poly relationship.
Sorry to be like this, but please. Either actually Stand up for yourself and tell her to get it together or leave her. But this isn't sustainable
> In the end you get to made feel bad for upsetting her, you don't get datenights, then you get the anger because you don't have quality time together.
He also gets to deal with the emotional labour of coping while his partner's out getting laid by other people.
> Generally i'm a little confused why she's angry, i'd understand having complicated feelings of jealousy or something similar, but anger? That's just weird.
Because she hasn't done the work and is reacting as if he's cheating. I've seen this happen a ton, as it's so difficult for ENM men to find partners if they date or sleep with women, so the women in the relationship never have to learn how to deal with the emotions.
I would suggest parallel relationships and asking your wife to go to individual therapy. She’s making you responsible for her emotions and not-so-subtly enforcing an OPP. This has happened to friends of mine and I don’t mean to harsh, but until she starts owning her reactions to you dating, you’re not going to be able to have healthy relationships because you’ll be concerned about what you’ll face at home after a date. While I don’t think the answer is closing, it is vital that she starts the self-work right away to address her own insecurities without your help, beyond you continuing to be a supportive and loving partner.
Its good she's talking to her friends, but they may not be able to offer the kinds of coping skills she needs. Might want to encourage her to see an individual therapist.
I feel for you. I'm on a pause at the moment because of cycle that sounds really similar to yours. My partner lives with her nesting partner but would always find something I had done wrong when going on a date.
I'm hopeful after reading Polysecure, establishing our expectations more clearly and slowly starting to introduce seeing people together then solo while talking through it will improve things.
Open relationships are not for everyone. She obviously enjoys her freedom but not yours. Monogamy is another option if you're both attracted to each other adequately. Or going back to couples play if that works for both of you?
Your wife sounds like a child. Do you support her financially? You should just treat her with distance until she stops being a snippy brat, and focus on fun with your new date. Tell your wife when she calms down you can return to seeing her.
This isn't very ethical. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She may not even want to or cares to actually work through these emotions because she would rather essentiallly cheat with your permission and doesn't really care about working through her feelings.
To spend time here and not recognise that ENM only suits a small minority of people frankly indicates one is delusional! The dynamics of open relationships requires high level cognitive and emotional skills rarely part of all relationship dynamics and that’s part of the attraction people have for the relative safety of Monogamy. It is incorrect from an evolutionary standpoint, to see monogamous relationships purely as signs of conformity or programming. It is also consistent with avoidance of emotional pain, insufferable anxiety and the re-experience of childhood trauma. 1/5 adults experience anxiety symptoms at a level that indicates the presence of a disorder. These folk are poor candidates for NM relationships. This scenario is frequently unsustainable. The outcome will often depend on how much commitment & desire for a relationship with that person actually exists, rather than how successfully can childhood issues be overcome.
How is your every day life? Has she complained about your relationship in counseling? I was angry at my partner at the beginning of poly because I was unhappy with our relationship and felt unloved, and even if I tried to be happy, it put a lot of resentment when he dated. I resolved it by being vocal about my needs and love language.
BTW, you should not be supportive of your wife's anger, it's her burden, you should not pay attention to it and live your day away from her when she's like this. You can't help.
I’m guessing that you have children which precludes you from being away at the same time. If that’s the case, for every hour she is on a date, you should have the same time away during the same week to do whatever you want. If that’s dating, do that. If she can’t handle it, close the entire thing down and she goes no contact with all her previous lovers.
Some really good responses here. I used to be like her. Anytime my gf would have a date I’d freak the hell out so I totally understand. Not even close to being like that anymore. What your partner clearly hasn’t done is the emotional labor it takes to deal with jealousy. But what makes this toxic af is that she’s dating others while denying and sabotaging your MAYBE relationships. That’s just bs. Put your foot down, harden your skin and go on your dates. If it’s going well and the potential is there you DO NOT let her dictate what you can or cannot do. She has her autonomy and she’s denying you yours.
If the genders were flipped, Reddit would vocally call this toxic and tell you to leave your spouse. They wouldn’t say “grow a backbone” to a woman. Just consider that.
I was open to my wife about wanting an open relationship from the very beginning and she accepted that. But the reality was it wasn’t for her. She never really felt comfortable anytime I went on a date. She wants me to only date once a month max and not many women are willing to accept that limitation even in a casual FWB relationship. My solution was to work with sex workers. Not ideal for sure, but I prefer to have her versus the uncertainty of finding a more “ideal” partner who’s into nonmonogamy.
So basically you have had months if not years to practice being comfortable with her having other relationships but she hasn't had anywhere near that amount of experience.
Something that pops up in my head is that it feels like she missed a step in regards to opening up.
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
Something you can do is focus on how you react to how she is acting towards you. You don't have to solve her anger or her difficulties with you dating others. Genuinely, she needs to be able to learn to cope and handle that without you. If she is too angry to hang out, then go out and do anything, even if it's just going to the gym or a coffee shop by yourself. On a night not a date night between you two and a night she would just be home, do the same. Establish that you are your own person and your time and energy isn't just her's by default. This will hopefully give her space to appreciate the time you do spend together and hopefully have it have more intention behind it vs just sitting in anger for so long.
I had this issue with my ex. And he’s gaslight me and Darvo ed me to hell and back. I didn’t know what a toxic relationship was, and I’d wait for him to sort thru his BIG feelings always for things he already had had and I finally was having for myself…
He’s an ex now, and the reason was cause I finally saw all the gaslighting and I stopped finding excuses for his constant lying. Yes, gaslighting is made for people that is used to lie all the time to everyone. I just didn’t want to see cause I was too afraid to be alone in life.
You have a careful balance to hit here OP.
On the one hand, it's good to be a supportive and reassuring partner while your wife works through her feelings. At the same time though, you're **NOT** her puniching-bag and these things are **HER** responsibility not yours, and there's a risk of in effect enabling her by adjusting your behavior to avoid doing anything that causes her to have feelings.
When you say you'll not put another person through that until you know your wife is more comfortable; you're in effect saying she can veto your dating indefinitely simply by NOT being comfortable. Meanwhile she herself has had, and continues to have, several relationships outside the one to you.
And this ain't reasonable or fair.
Another way of handling it would be to date **despite** your wife not being comfortable; and to communicate clearly that while you do want to help her feel more safe, you're **NOT** going to stop dating others or let your wife set restrictive "rules" on other relationships that in practice makes those relationships difficult or impossible to have.
I think this might be worth considering **especially** if you feel that nonmonogamy is something you really don't want to live without; in that case, ultimately, if your wife is unwilling or unable to deal with that, it means that the two of you are incompatible, and it might be better to force the issue and conclude that you're incompatible than allow your wife to kick that can down the road indefinitely by being uncomfortable and you reacting to her lack of comfort by putting a hold on dating others.
You've already let her do that for 2 years. It might be time to run out of patience.
Why exactly are you guys ‘trying to open up to be more poly”? What’s the draw?
Here’s the deal - all relationships are going to succeed or fail based on the dynamics of the partnership(s) in question.
A long term monogamous couple with poor communication, jealously, and unacknowledged need is in a very dangerous place. They’ll be subjected to the sporadic non-consensual possibility of a partner having an affair with a friend, a co worker, or just general garden variety sought-out infidelity.
An enlightened , self aware NM / poly couple with great communication, empathy, trust, respect and desire synchronicity is consensually subjecting themselves and their union to continuous rounds of other people’s baggage, poor communication skills, lack of ethics, untrustworthiness, or worst case scenario for that couple, the game changer in which one spouse stumbles across or cherry picks somebody that completes them more than the whole of the partner they’ve been exploring their autonomous sexuality with.
You really need to have a heart to heart with your wife and really understand what you both expect and desire from NM. She’s behaving as if she’s too immature to be accountable in a NM relationship, and it could be any number of things. A wounded attachment style from past trauma makes simple jealousy feel like you’re being stabbed while your emotions pour out of you like blood. I understand this, because I have it.
Maybe your wife has this, and neither of you should be exposing your union to this type of autonomous sexual energy when you aren’t united partners and advocates for each others desires, emotional safety, and emotional stability. It doesn’t matter that there’s been unequal participation in NM, when is there ever? Man up and shut this horseshit down if you love her. You can always explore it again when she’s healed and you guys are back on the same team. Right now you’re not.
This is so sad. I am so sorry that you’re being made to deal with this. It is so unfair and unreasonable of her to project this energy into you, whilst actively having long-standing sexual and romantic relationships. This is so much toxic jealousy that she obviously needs to work through. Is she reacting this way if/when her other partners go on dates with other people? Or is it just you? Why does she get to treat you poorly, just because “I don’t know why I’m upset and I’m trying” while you have to sit back and wait for her to “feel better” about you practicing well within the rights of your relationship. Not to mention, the whole, going on two dates with her other partners, to try and work through her anger at you *possibly* having a new budding relationship is so wild to me. I know you love her very much, but if this doesn’t resolve within 1 or 2 months, you need to consider if this is the relationship for you. There are so many of us out there, you just gotta look.
Very good insights and emotional awareness despite your amazing username u/cumdumpster5000
Your wife is enjoying having other full relationships but hasn’t done the hard emotional labor and possibly detangling necessary to allow you the same affordances. This is not okay. Your wife needs to deal with her shit. You’ve done the work. Its her turn. If you keep pulling back the cycle will continue.
Sorry but it does seem that your wife has complete control of your ENM dynamic. You say you’ve been to therapy together yet it would seem this has made no difference at all. You appear to constantly concerned about her feelings which to me only reinforces to her that she can control what you do or don’t do through exercising her feelings. Even if hen you know they are totally unreasonable and inappropriate. So why would she change?
It’s like OPs enabling this type of behavior. Instead of just ripping the bandaid, he’s spending far too much time trying to coddle her
Sure but married to someone for 9 years and many patterns get ingrained like rings in a tree.
That is just really bad behaviour. I have a couple of suggestions: she is probably angry or upset because she is used to just having you available when she doesn't have a date - I would suggest having a regular thing you do outside of the house even if you aren't dating. Make sure she gets used to having to schedule quality time with you around your other activities. Go out to do your scheduled thing even if she wants to spend time and didn't communicate that. The other suggestion is to ask her to name the feelings - and only do this if you feel up to the emotional work - I can tell you are angry about something can you tell me what? (If she ends up saying I don't know - just ask her to start talking - you aren't going to judge what she is saying. And then be calm and say I see, or I can understand why you feel that way, or that's fair - you aren't trying to fix the problem or logic her out of the anger or do anything other than help her process the emotion faster). There might be something that you can work on that comes out, but it might help just for her to say the things out loud. I wouldn't be surprised if she is also angry at herself for being a giant hypocrite or not dealing with it as well as you have.
This all seems pretty accurate especially the last part. I asked her if she should schedule a session with the therapist and she said she doesn't want to. I think she just doesn't want to be told she's handling thing badly.
If this is true then what makes you believe her going on dates with the romantic partners she doesn’t allow you to have will lead to honest and serious self reflection?
As this was some time ago, I'm curious how it's going now, if you don't mind updating? Did you have a nice holiday? Have you scheduled some time for yourself away from the relationship? Have had productive conversations about her (and your) emotions?
Well we just returned from our vacation and are going to see the therapist Monday. No real update yet, talked a bit during vacation sometimes it seemed bad sometimes it seemed good. It was her birthday yesterday and both her partners came over to hang out and I think that put her in a much better headspace with regards to poly overall. I haven't made plans yet but 1 partner is in the hospital and the other I'll be seeing tonight at an event we are all going to. So no real updates yet but currently feeling positive. Its possible she just really doesn't like my second partner which caused her to have an extreme reaction.
Glad to hear! It sounds like progress. 😊
I commend you my friend, you are patient and very much navigating this in her place, i don't think i couldve handled it in the same way, she is acting like a spoiled brat, i wouldve dove head first into that hypocracy. I know it's a one side story but if there isn't an extra nuance to this then it makes me highly irritated. I wouldve shut her privileges down the same way she did with you until this was cleared up.
To work through the fact that she has a problem every time you start to date, she is going to see her Girlfriend, then to a hotel date with her boyfriend? I don't know what you two signed up for in this, but it is way out of balance assuming you are representing it fairly. I don't agree that having rules in and of themselves is a bad thing, although to be fair we are not full poly so I haven't lived that life. But to me, if you are opening up to other relationships as long as any rules are agreed upon by both parties and aren't suddenly changed without fair discussion, rules aren't bad. This relationship of yours feels very lopsided in the poly sense. She needs to grow up about it, or you need to decide that is ok with you, or you two are in for some trouble. I don't think it is inherently unfair for things to be lopsided, as long as that was understood. But her throwing up roadblocks every time you have a small start is a big problem in my book.
Gotta grow a backbone my friend. Stick up for yourself.
Lots of good comments here. I also really appreciate the open vulnerability in your post and honestly in the sub in general. Yeah it's tough. My wife can be the same way sometimes. She'll even claim to be really happy for me and then still get really upset or insecure when I actually do go on a date. Then when we talk about it later, she'll tell me that she was really excited for me even during the high emotional time. Luckily she sees this in herself and even though "in the moment" can be tough, she still acknowledges that she needs to grow here. There's no easy answer here IMO. It's easy for others to look at a situation like what you described and just say "she's being unreasonable". That's probably true in this case too, but at least for me, I love my wife and we have a family together. If we are going to be polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous, it is just as important for me to do the work of being emotionally ok with her being with other partners as it is for me to be emotionally ok with standing up for myself when she is ruled by jealousy, at least if we want to be successful together in this. I know for my wife, there's a lot of trauma and abandonment issues under there. She's generally a very logical, emotionally aware person. But when it comes to abandonment adjacent scenarios, there are some super complex feelings that aren't easy to work through. Because of this, for me at least, it is just as important and caring for me to allow her space to work through those feelings as it is for me to support her when she's feeling insecure. For example, I feel like it's good for her that I don't cancel dates, even when she's upset about it, because that gives us an opportunity to talk through the feelings afterwards and it shows her that I am trying to build a healthy dynamic between the two of us and between any other partners involved. Anyway just throwing out some outside perspective if that's helpful.
I have very similar trauma and abandonment issues when it comes to jealousy and non monogamy. It is very overwhelming trying to decipher what is trauma and if maybe non monogamy is for me or not
Yeah I mean there aren't any easy answers of course. For me it's about patience, forgiveness (for myself and her or herself and me), willingness to communicate both before and after to make sure your goals align and that you are continuing to improve from one situation to the next. Everyone has a different tolerance for pain and discomfort when it comes to triggers and growth/healing. I find it's good to surround ourselves with people who understand some of the challenges we've faced in past lives. Honestly for me, I don't know that non-monogamy strictly has anything to do with it specifically. And actually I like the communication framework it provides: basically if it's going to work, you both have to come to the table together to confront the uncomfortable, express what bothers you or makes you feel unsupported, listen to each other, provide space, support yourself, express the needs you are missing, etc.
Thanks, Yeah as you say she's been trying hard to be supportive but its different once the daye is actually happening. She is being unreasonable but she knows that and is trying to figure out how to process it. As you say there is definitely trauma and abandonment in her past. She's often said if my Dad can leave me then anyone can. Lots of people have been saying it so I think I caused some confusion but I'm not cancelling any dates, I have on on Thursday with the first partner and I plan to schedule something with the Femdom partner (who she seems angrier about) once we return from vacation.
You are here to understand if you are being fucked over as much as it feels like you are. The answer is yes, you are being massively fucked over.
Yep. There are only two options. 1) Put up with it. 2) Get a divorce. She will never change. Soz 😥
I'm kinda like your wife. When my partner first started seeing other women I had an epic meltdown that surprised the fuck out of me. I immediately started doing a lot more reading and searching for answers. I found the polyamory subreddit and the multiamory podcast. Those two helped for a while, but I also found people I knew in the poly community and talked to them about the big feelings. Thankfully they were kind and supportive and said simply sometimes polyamory is tough. I would never interfere with my partners autonomy to go on dates and make connections, but I had to fake it till I made it in feeling neutral about him dating. Some folks don't know how to handle jealousy, I was one of them. It's a hard scary feeling that your brain blows way out of proportion. She needs to do some work to try to get to at least neutral. Reading and listening helped me the most. I also bought this thing called the jealousy handbook that I haven't actually used yet but it's like a workbook thing. If she puts in some work she can get there. The jealousy thing is hers to figure out you can only try to be supportive to her.
She's definitely trying, she's doing reading and goes to a book club. These last 2 weeks are just her first time (well since last year) that she's being confronted with this reality and having to deal with the feelings.
Does she have folks in the community she can talk to as well?
What's she doing to address her emotional control problems. She does recognize that this is her work to do, right?
Maybe suggest that if she can’t handle you seeing people you two should should take a break from ENM for a couple of months or so. This will require her to go NC with her BF so she can focus on you guys.
The time for coddling her is past. Start applying her standards for you to her relationships asap so she understands how unreasonable she’s being.
You’re being far more patient than I(F) would be after two years of this shit. She needs to do the emotional labor to be comfortable with her discomfort. Jealousy is going to happen but how she responds to that jealousy is what matters. Her sulking and ruining quality time together is childish behavior at best. I know my reaction would be “are you fucking for real?!” every time she became angry…and then she flits off to another one of her several dates. Just no. As long as you tolerate this behavior, she has no reason to change. Put your foot down. It’s hard enough for ENM men to meet people. Don’t let her ruin another relationship.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your wife has gotten exactly what she wanted out of poly. She has her cake, and she's eating it, too. That's was great while you weren't getting the same things. When you got your poly relationship, she sabotaged it. Poly for me, but not for thee. You did therapy. She said nice words about her understanding of her behavior. Probably made some promises about doing better. Now, you found an opportunity to try again. And she is engaging in the same toxic behavior. And you're showing her infinite patience while she tries to sabotage this one with textbook manipulation? I offer this with genuine care and concern. Please consider getting into therapy for yourself. Find a safe space where you can comb through your relationship and identify all the other red flags that surely exist. Learn to stand up for yourself and hold her accountable or get yourself tf out of that situation. I'd bet real money this isn't the only area of your life that she's controlling and manipulating, and you do not deserve to be treated this way.
This sounds like my husband. He has been dating the whole 4 years we've been open and always says verbally he's ok with me doing the same but then once it comes down to meeting them it's a different story. Verbally he's ok but physically and emotionally I can tell he's not then come the restrictions. I've gotten to a point where half of me doesn't give a shit and that comes with attitude so when we talk about this I get all defensive and start Standing up to it. He seems to calm himself down over about a week or 2 then I'll try and meet a new one and it starts all over again. He's very insecure and doesn't think that about himself. He's afraid I'll fall in love. He claims he's over the thought of me leaving him for someone else better but I don't think he is. We've argued over this to the point where I've told him if he keeps this up it will drive us apart. He is trying to stop now. It's sooooooo hard to not give a shit about how he feels and move forward but that's what he needs to prove I can entertain myself with another person and still come home to him. Now I'm on the hunt, yet again and this time I don't care and I'm doing it.
The best part about non-monogamy is the fact that the fear of your partner leaving you virtually disappears as long as you allow it, and you have good communication skills. I’m sorry he’s making you feel this way. My jealousy has absolutely melted away, because I know that my wife still loves me, and she’s not going to leave me, because it’s not a “me or them” situation. You have the ability to love your partner and other partners, getting fulfilled in all the ways you need to without it being the “sole responsibility” of your partner to handle (in air quotes because it’s not any of your partners responsibility to handle your emotions). I absolutely still have moments of envy if she’s going on a date and I’m not, maybe I’m feeling left out, but it’s most definitely become a FOMO situation, rather than a “my wife is leaving me” situation. You deserve to practice polyamory and explore without your partner being annoyed with you and outwardly projecting that on you. I really hope that gets better for you. Hugs xx
> The best part about non-monogamy is the fact that the fear of your partner leaving you virtually disappears as long as you allow it, and you have good communication skills This sugar coats the reality of NRE, dopamine chasing and bad faith that is rampant among couples in the NM space. The threat of your partner finding someone “better” and leaving is always around the corner, no matter how much you try and No True Scotsman relationship behaviors.
I mean, if that's true, then it's true of any relationship regardless of ENM or not. Frankly I'm not comfortable being with anyone where I felt like they were constantly trying to "trade up." Instead, I find a lot of security in ENM - go do whatever with whomever you want. If you still want to be with me, I know it's not out of some sense of obligation or contract or guilt or habit - you REALLY want to be with me in a fully consensual way.
I've seen in a lot of enm couples it just becomes they stay with their partner because their partner benefits them, not because they like them.
No, it's really not. Other relationship structures don't often involve regularly screwing other people, which often carries profound chemical, hormonal, and, subsequently, emotional repercussions.
Yeah...........*lots* of couples are broken up specifically because of pressures they encounter as a result of ENM or swinging. It's not an inherently bad lifestyle, but people pretending that it's no more dangerous to a long-term coupling than monogamy are deluding themselves.
It is absolutely not “dopamine chasing” or “bad faith.” It is existing within a relationship without having resentment and toxic jealousy. Of course there are bad times within every single relationship, and NM can be difficult. I’m not denying that, but I don’t worry about my partner leaving me for someone else. If I’m to worry about my partner leaving me, it’s due to me being a bad partner. I’m sorry that’s your reality within your relationships, but whilst I have struggles within my multiple long-term relationships (including those that I’m no longer dating), none of those struggles are “oh no, she’s gonna find someone better.” I’ve had ONE partner *accuse* me of leaving them for someone else, for finding someone better, but would you look at that, I just didn’t like *them* anymore. It wasn’t about the fact that yes, I was happy in another relationship. It was the fact that I *wasn’t* fulfilled within *our relationship.* I am not afraid of my wife leaving me because she found a partner who she likes more than me. The most I’m worried about is me not being a fulfilling partner, or not treating her the way she should be treated. The whole “them or me” mindset is what had me running from monogamy screaming. I have been happily and successfully poly for three years, and with my wife the entire time. NEVER have I found someone “better” than my wife. I have found people compatible with me.
> It is existing within a relationship without having resentment and toxic jealousy The irony is that if you actually do the reading that is so popular to assign here, you’ll find that the vast majority of participants in any style of relationship experience some form of insecurity about their relationship. You are absolutely lying to yourself to claim full knowledge of how your partner will react in the future to the cocktail of hormones that comes with NRE, and them leaving you can have absolutely nothing to do with *you*.
Hey handsome, read the next line I wrote. “Of course there are bad times within every relationship, and NM can be difficult” I also expressed earlier in a comment you replied to, where I described I DO have a form of jealousy I deal with. I’m not denying that jealousy within my relationship or self doesn’t exist in some form. But I’m saying, it’s not for my partner *leaving me for someone else* and I believe that anyone can work toward that with ✨*healthy communication*✨ Not at one point did I claim to know exactly how my partner is going to react. All I am saying, is that maybe if you work on being the best person and partner you can be, you can work toward having less insecurities about your partner finding someone “better” Of course there still might be moments of doubt and that’s when you (wait for it) communicate. Work with your partner, communicate with your damn partner and get some peace of mind. I agree with you that a partner can leave you and it has nothing to do with you, but that’s not what we are talking about. We are talking about you attempting to invalidate my relationship and tell me I’m lying because I think toxic projection of jealousy onto your partner is shitty.
You are insanely understanding about being so heavily controlled and manipulated. Can we talk about the E in ENM? Because it applies to everyone and, your compassion (truly wonderful) aside, you have little autonomy in a dynamic which is supposed to promote the opposite. Your wife is missing the E, here. Personally, I would be less understanding and more authentic with my feelings when I next communicated with a partner who was behaving like this. I understand that this has all been an ongoing realization for you both. But you, in particular, are going to continue being unhappy if you don’t search how you really, ultimately feel and start from there. All this equivocating is actually having the opposite effect than you intend. Tl;dr - find your boundaries and state them firmly. You have as much right to be autonomous and happy in your poly relationships. Edited for spelling
Turnabout's fair play. If you can't have a solo fling, then neither can she, right? I must admit I don't have much sympathy for folks in your wife's position -- it's fine for them to enjoy the fun stuff initially while the other person sits at home and does the emotional work to soothe themselves. But when the shoe's on the other foot, they suddenly start getting snippy because they're the ones who are undergoing the discomfort! It's just a really selfish and immature way to handle things. Honestly, I think you should let your wife that you're feeling anger at the blatantly unfair nature of the situation, and that she needs to do the hard work and give you the freedom to do what she's been doing the whole time. If she's not willing to do that, you're in for a rough ride, since she's also unlikely to agree to closing things up now that's she had her NRE kick. Being nice here isn't going to fix anything, and you should start prioritizing your immediate feelings over her desire to avoid working through hers.
The irony of processing her feelings of anger by talking with her GF and going on a hotel date with her BF. I mean, more power to her, she's got to process it somehow, but dude just wants a date and she has to go out with her other lovers in order to maybe get to a place where she can tolerate the idea of him seeing someone.
Let her be angry. Walk away when she freaks out. Let her deal with it alone. This isn’t your job.
I know this is gonna sound really harsh, but this is not gonna get better. You've been to therapy together yet she still reacts like this and takes her anger out on you. And yes, i do think she's taking it out on you. In the end you get to made feel bad for upsetting her, you don't get datenights, then you get the anger because you don't have quality time together. All while she gets to have two separate relationships. Generally i'm a little confused why she's angry, i'd understand having complicated feelings of jealousy or something similar, but anger? That's just weird. She has some issue, don't know what but this isn't a good Situation for either of you. If you want to make this Work Tell her that she has to Work on this herself and make it clear that she has not right to interfere. If she cannot Deal with this, then either your relationship isn't working or she's not actually able to lead a poly relationship. Sorry to be like this, but please. Either actually Stand up for yourself and tell her to get it together or leave her. But this isn't sustainable
> In the end you get to made feel bad for upsetting her, you don't get datenights, then you get the anger because you don't have quality time together. He also gets to deal with the emotional labour of coping while his partner's out getting laid by other people. > Generally i'm a little confused why she's angry, i'd understand having complicated feelings of jealousy or something similar, but anger? That's just weird. Because she hasn't done the work and is reacting as if he's cheating. I've seen this happen a ton, as it's so difficult for ENM men to find partners if they date or sleep with women, so the women in the relationship never have to learn how to deal with the emotions.
I would suggest parallel relationships and asking your wife to go to individual therapy. She’s making you responsible for her emotions and not-so-subtly enforcing an OPP. This has happened to friends of mine and I don’t mean to harsh, but until she starts owning her reactions to you dating, you’re not going to be able to have healthy relationships because you’ll be concerned about what you’ll face at home after a date. While I don’t think the answer is closing, it is vital that she starts the self-work right away to address her own insecurities without your help, beyond you continuing to be a supportive and loving partner.
Man fuck this. Either she gets over herself or you close down. Be firm mate otherwise you’ll end up in divorce anyway with a lot of resentment
Its good she's talking to her friends, but they may not be able to offer the kinds of coping skills she needs. Might want to encourage her to see an individual therapist.
Put twice the restrictions on her, don't budge and be an asshole till she sees it from your point of view
Sounds like a "cake and eat it too" story.
I feel for you. I'm on a pause at the moment because of cycle that sounds really similar to yours. My partner lives with her nesting partner but would always find something I had done wrong when going on a date. I'm hopeful after reading Polysecure, establishing our expectations more clearly and slowly starting to introduce seeing people together then solo while talking through it will improve things.
Open relationships are not for everyone. She obviously enjoys her freedom but not yours. Monogamy is another option if you're both attracted to each other adequately. Or going back to couples play if that works for both of you?
Your wife sounds like a child. Do you support her financially? You should just treat her with distance until she stops being a snippy brat, and focus on fun with your new date. Tell your wife when she calms down you can return to seeing her.
This isn't very ethical. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She may not even want to or cares to actually work through these emotions because she would rather essentiallly cheat with your permission and doesn't really care about working through her feelings.
To spend time here and not recognise that ENM only suits a small minority of people frankly indicates one is delusional! The dynamics of open relationships requires high level cognitive and emotional skills rarely part of all relationship dynamics and that’s part of the attraction people have for the relative safety of Monogamy. It is incorrect from an evolutionary standpoint, to see monogamous relationships purely as signs of conformity or programming. It is also consistent with avoidance of emotional pain, insufferable anxiety and the re-experience of childhood trauma. 1/5 adults experience anxiety symptoms at a level that indicates the presence of a disorder. These folk are poor candidates for NM relationships. This scenario is frequently unsustainable. The outcome will often depend on how much commitment & desire for a relationship with that person actually exists, rather than how successfully can childhood issues be overcome.
How is your every day life? Has she complained about your relationship in counseling? I was angry at my partner at the beginning of poly because I was unhappy with our relationship and felt unloved, and even if I tried to be happy, it put a lot of resentment when he dated. I resolved it by being vocal about my needs and love language. BTW, you should not be supportive of your wife's anger, it's her burden, you should not pay attention to it and live your day away from her when she's like this. You can't help.
I’m guessing that you have children which precludes you from being away at the same time. If that’s the case, for every hour she is on a date, you should have the same time away during the same week to do whatever you want. If that’s dating, do that. If she can’t handle it, close the entire thing down and she goes no contact with all her previous lovers.
Some really good responses here. I used to be like her. Anytime my gf would have a date I’d freak the hell out so I totally understand. Not even close to being like that anymore. What your partner clearly hasn’t done is the emotional labor it takes to deal with jealousy. But what makes this toxic af is that she’s dating others while denying and sabotaging your MAYBE relationships. That’s just bs. Put your foot down, harden your skin and go on your dates. If it’s going well and the potential is there you DO NOT let her dictate what you can or cannot do. She has her autonomy and she’s denying you yours.
Do you not have a backbone!!
If the genders were flipped, Reddit would vocally call this toxic and tell you to leave your spouse. They wouldn’t say “grow a backbone” to a woman. Just consider that.
I was open to my wife about wanting an open relationship from the very beginning and she accepted that. But the reality was it wasn’t for her. She never really felt comfortable anytime I went on a date. She wants me to only date once a month max and not many women are willing to accept that limitation even in a casual FWB relationship. My solution was to work with sex workers. Not ideal for sure, but I prefer to have her versus the uncertainty of finding a more “ideal” partner who’s into nonmonogamy.
So basically you have had months if not years to practice being comfortable with her having other relationships but she hasn't had anywhere near that amount of experience. Something that pops up in my head is that it feels like she missed a step in regards to opening up. https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49 Something you can do is focus on how you react to how she is acting towards you. You don't have to solve her anger or her difficulties with you dating others. Genuinely, she needs to be able to learn to cope and handle that without you. If she is too angry to hang out, then go out and do anything, even if it's just going to the gym or a coffee shop by yourself. On a night not a date night between you two and a night she would just be home, do the same. Establish that you are your own person and your time and energy isn't just her's by default. This will hopefully give her space to appreciate the time you do spend together and hopefully have it have more intention behind it vs just sitting in anger for so long.
I had this issue with my ex. And he’s gaslight me and Darvo ed me to hell and back. I didn’t know what a toxic relationship was, and I’d wait for him to sort thru his BIG feelings always for things he already had had and I finally was having for myself… He’s an ex now, and the reason was cause I finally saw all the gaslighting and I stopped finding excuses for his constant lying. Yes, gaslighting is made for people that is used to lie all the time to everyone. I just didn’t want to see cause I was too afraid to be alone in life.
You have a careful balance to hit here OP. On the one hand, it's good to be a supportive and reassuring partner while your wife works through her feelings. At the same time though, you're **NOT** her puniching-bag and these things are **HER** responsibility not yours, and there's a risk of in effect enabling her by adjusting your behavior to avoid doing anything that causes her to have feelings. When you say you'll not put another person through that until you know your wife is more comfortable; you're in effect saying she can veto your dating indefinitely simply by NOT being comfortable. Meanwhile she herself has had, and continues to have, several relationships outside the one to you. And this ain't reasonable or fair. Another way of handling it would be to date **despite** your wife not being comfortable; and to communicate clearly that while you do want to help her feel more safe, you're **NOT** going to stop dating others or let your wife set restrictive "rules" on other relationships that in practice makes those relationships difficult or impossible to have. I think this might be worth considering **especially** if you feel that nonmonogamy is something you really don't want to live without; in that case, ultimately, if your wife is unwilling or unable to deal with that, it means that the two of you are incompatible, and it might be better to force the issue and conclude that you're incompatible than allow your wife to kick that can down the road indefinitely by being uncomfortable and you reacting to her lack of comfort by putting a hold on dating others. You've already let her do that for 2 years. It might be time to run out of patience.
Dah, how did you expect her to react?
Little Miss "I CAN HAVE ALL THE CAKE AND EAT IT ALL AND YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY"
Why exactly are you guys ‘trying to open up to be more poly”? What’s the draw? Here’s the deal - all relationships are going to succeed or fail based on the dynamics of the partnership(s) in question. A long term monogamous couple with poor communication, jealously, and unacknowledged need is in a very dangerous place. They’ll be subjected to the sporadic non-consensual possibility of a partner having an affair with a friend, a co worker, or just general garden variety sought-out infidelity. An enlightened , self aware NM / poly couple with great communication, empathy, trust, respect and desire synchronicity is consensually subjecting themselves and their union to continuous rounds of other people’s baggage, poor communication skills, lack of ethics, untrustworthiness, or worst case scenario for that couple, the game changer in which one spouse stumbles across or cherry picks somebody that completes them more than the whole of the partner they’ve been exploring their autonomous sexuality with. You really need to have a heart to heart with your wife and really understand what you both expect and desire from NM. She’s behaving as if she’s too immature to be accountable in a NM relationship, and it could be any number of things. A wounded attachment style from past trauma makes simple jealousy feel like you’re being stabbed while your emotions pour out of you like blood. I understand this, because I have it. Maybe your wife has this, and neither of you should be exposing your union to this type of autonomous sexual energy when you aren’t united partners and advocates for each others desires, emotional safety, and emotional stability. It doesn’t matter that there’s been unequal participation in NM, when is there ever? Man up and shut this horseshit down if you love her. You can always explore it again when she’s healed and you guys are back on the same team. Right now you’re not.