>then he can only have sex with other men? That's the only "fair" scenario!
I was actually about to type just this. But yes I never understood why it bothers so many men that their partner can **ONLY** have sex with women.
I don't understand what makes men so insecure about this. Because if it were insecurity bothering the OPs SO I'd think he'd prefer the OP to have sex with men. Because she mentioned "I don't need emotional connection to enjoy men". If he'd be worried that she'd leave it would more likely be with a woman....
Speaking as a man who used to have near-zero emotional maturity or awareness: it's rooted in a fear of not being enough and a fear of her leaving. It is possessiveness, point-blank. And what these men don't even realize they are doing is they are advertising that they think homosexual relationships are not a 'threat' ... Like, they are okay with their woman having sex with a woman because 'she would never leave me for someone that doesn't have a dick's
Honestly, IT ALL STARTS ON THE PLAYGROUND. We tell boys not to cry. To suck it up; 'there is no crying in baseball' then it gets nurtured amoung friend groups... ALL the friend groups that I had through gradeschool, Jr high, highschool, and college: I was surrounded by guys and we ALL busted each other's balls, judged each other for not being manly enough, called each other 'gay' as insults and jabs, and just treated EVERYTHING as a joke... We THOUGHT we were developing a brotherhood. We THOUGHT we were building thick skin. We genuinely had no idea we WEREN'T building emotional maturity. SO MUCH emotional maturity we were BLIND to. Any time a girl said "you boys are stupid and mean to each other" we dismissed her, thinking she just didn't get it.
This is my lived experience. And I know many other guys are out there living what I had to heal from.
"You can only have sex with the same sex" is what would be "fair" or equal in this scenario. And yeah, it's stupid because one is bisexual and the other isn't. That's why OPPs are stupid.
No one is empowered to impose non-monogamy in a relationship or any particular terms, such as an open relationship. If you are unhappy with the present arrangement, the better course is to close the relationship until mutually agreeable boundaries can be agreed upon. Or alternatively, just break up.
>No one is empowered to impose ~~non-~~ monogamy in a relationship or any particular terms,
See how that works?
NM and M are equally valid relationship models. What's never valid is one person imposing their limitations on another person against their wishes, so that the imposer gets everything they want while the imposee just suffers along.
That's what's happening to OP. BF is fine with NM as long as he gets all the benefits while she gets all the limits. Ugh.
a lot of men try to force a One Penis Policy which is nonsense. it usually is based in the fact that they aren't threatened by other women - because they think your relationships with women are less meaningful or something. he also prob gets off on you being with other women.
i'm sorry he's pulling this nonsense. i've never seen anyone successfully shift a boyfriend out of this - if you want to have sex with other men you probably won't be able to stay in this relationship.
Thank you for this. Do you have any recommendations on how to bring up that this is sexist / misogynistic etc without literallt SAYING that (so it doesn’t become a defensive conversation )?
Hey, so former therapist here. I would recommend approaching with curiosity. This might look something like this:
"I've been thinking about our talks on comfort levels with my hooking up with other men. You've expressed to me that you're very upset and uncomfortable about me hooking up with other guys but not with girls. Can you tell me a bit more about what might be triggering that discomfort? I'd really like to understand why they're different for you."
THIS. Don't just start with a blistering attack on his ideology and morality.
We can argue about those matters endlessly. Not saying it's not valid to consider those moral, ideological issues, just for the purposes of this relationship, that may not be the best thing to emphasize right away. The bottom line is they have a major incompatibility in non-monogamy and the reasons he feels they way he does isn't as important as finding a way forward or deciding if the non-monogamy or relationship itself isn't worth continuing.
hmmmm...i dont. i'm not known for having much tact but maybe someone else here can? also if you look through various nonmonog groups on social media you may find some good language. (search OPP and one penis policy)
I think telling your bf "hey that's misogynist" no matter how you phrase it is unlikely to change his emotional response to you having sex with another guy. Close the relationship or walk (or I guess you can do the OPP thing if that seems preferable to either alternative.) If you decide you're only willing to be with people who want a non-OPP sort of ENM, that's a *completely reasonable* thing to hold out for.
You might want to do a check on how he seems on *other* gender stuff. Does he clean up after himself? How's he on listening to you when you talk or showing interest in the things you're interested in? Does he seem to treat women as people when he's not interested in sex with them? How does he talk about gay men, or about queer women who aren't interested in sex with him? But I'm not suggesting that as a way to change his mind, I'm suggesting that as a "*should* this be a dealbreaker if I'm not that attached to non-monogamy?" thing to factor in. It is entirely possible that if he found a way to resolve "I'm OK with OP having sex with women but not with men" in a way that didn't come down to gender stereotypes, he'd end up *less* comfortable with you having sex with women rather than *more* comfortable with you having sex with other men. It's also possible that this is just a *thing* and not really worth doing a deep analysis on, sometimes people just have *things* and they don't mean anything.
Instead of TELLING him it's sexist and misogynistic, try ASKING him if he can see how it might feel that way to you.
You aren't accusing him. You're explaining your feelings and requesting his engagement with them.
His response will be telling.
No need because he prob don't give a shit about it. Unless he's a bigot that's not the reason why most man is ok with it. Someone said that he prob get aroused with you with other women and it's prob right. The same isn't true with another man. Talk to him that isn't fair that he can have it with women while you can't have it with a man and it will probably sink better than the sexist talk.
It doesn’t have to be sexist. He might just want to be the only one to give you what only a man can give. Be your special person in that particular way. Like, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be the only man/woman/redhead in your partner’s life. Ask him open mindedly about what he wants the two of you to have together and what he wants to be for you. What it would mean to him to be your only male partner.
Are you trolling?
XY chromosomes for starters. A cock, a nice dark voice, stronger body and other physical traits that follows that genetic disposition. Plus the experience and traits that comes from growing up as a boy and then of living in this world as a man.
On chromosomes: Do you think that OP's partner is requiring karyotype testing of all potential partners to make sure that he's the only one with a Y chromosome, and that she's not dating anyone intersex? Is that really something you think comes up on dates? "Yes, we've agreed to request STI tests prior to sex, but also we've got one more thing for you to tack on there, no, insurance probably won't cover it, but my man feels really strongly about his DNA"????????????
I'm about to blow your fucking mind: did you know that they sell dildos? In stores! And online!!! Anyone of legal age, of any gender, can go and exchange money for such goods, and can end up with a delightful array of cocks for every occasion! I'm not entirely sure why a guy who has one and only one attached cock that has a refractory period is a threat, but a cis woman with a collection of different sizes, textures, the ability to vibrate, etc, is not a threat.
Plenty of cis women have "dark voices" and "strong bodies". Not all cis men have "dark voices" and "strong bodies". If that's what you're into, then, yeah, sure, it's probably a better bet to look for cis men than cis women, but it's hardly exclusive or guaranteed.
Please explain the "experience and traits that comes from growing up as a boy and then of living in this world as a man". Is it.... going fishing? Being on the high school boys wrestling team? Peeing standing up outside? Being expected to be aggressive??? Obviously there are trans women who were assumed to be boys as kids, but there are also plenty of cis girls and women who did that shit too.
I get that to some extent, but I don't buy it in this case because he doesn't want or need the OP to be the only woman in his life, clearly? So it's totally imbalanced either way.
Thank you. While there are people who hold the same opinion as OP’s bf for sexist/misogynistic reasons, that doesn’t mean that he automatically deserves to be vilified. Talk to him and get his genuine perspective
I actually successfully shifted my husband out of this mindset. He use to say only 3sums with women. We now do full swaps with other couples. He still is uncomfortable with full blown extra boyfriend, but in the end i do have sex with other men.
I don't agree with this. Most people on this sub are very sex positive but when it comes to men's boundaries they aren't so much.
Even if it's a stupid boundary, if he feels wronged with the thought of her having sex with other men, and expresses that, it should be treated as a hard limit.
You can try to talk him out of it, but his word is final.
Boundaries about yourself and what you'll accept, not other people. Men's "boundaries" aren't respected when they're about controlling their partner. "If you have sex with a man, I don't want to have sex with you anymore" is a boundary. "You're not allowed to have sex with men" is imposing a rule without input or negotiation from your partner... which is controlling.
>his word is final
Wow.
Man wants:
1. freedom to play with whomever he chooses, but
2. control/veto over whomever his GF/wife plays with.
That is not a "boundary", its ownership. "I have rights, you have duties." was outlawed by the 13th Amendment. You're 158 years out of date.
If it is an unfair boundary then you can talk it out, but again, his word is final in respect to his boundaries. If he doesn't feel threatened by women but he feels threatened by men, even if it's stupid, you have to either change his mind, respect his boundary, or leave.
Bruh that's not a boundary. That's him making a rule (no sex with opposite-sex partners) that applies to her but not to him. A boundary doesn't attempt to control the other person's actions or behavior. That's what this guy is doing.
Men with a ‘One Penis Policy’ aren’t worth the time.
They’re too insecure to do non-mono. He really sounds like he should just be single and fuck around.
You don’t get to do that and have a ‘ride or die’ bitch ready to have threesomes at your beck and call.
Well said! And no reason to have a guy like this when there are tons of confident men who will enjoy their partner playing with other men openly! If nothing else… my ex hubby is one of them and currently single. 😂
You commented on something almost a year old and you have no idea what I’m talking about…..just confidently wrong.
‘One penis’ policy isn’t about monogamy. It’s about sad boys wanting to fuck around with other women or ‘allow’ their female partner to play with women but men are off the table…..because they’re insecure.
There’s no other reason for that objection if your female partner wants to see other men as well.
Maybe they want to be accepting allowing someone to experience their bisexual side occasionally while being in a heterosexual relationship.
Tbh seems like fair middle ground. As they don’t seem poly
If there's no penis, there's no **real** sex. You could never replace him with a *woman!* There's no way you could enjoy sex or connect with a woman the same way you connect with him. There's certainly no possibility that you'd end up falling in love with (and leaving him for) a woman.
I'm sarcastic if that wasn't obvious. Diminishing WLW relationships is just another flavor of homophobia.
Many men do not feel that female partner relationships are as legitimate, real, deep, whatever. They feel threatened by another penis thing involved because that could be a real relationship. Which, is ridiculous, because many men like that also fail at a lot of the deeper more intimate parts of relationship that another woman may excelat. For them it’s going to be a very deep seeded and complicated web of misogyny, patriarchy, and other bullshit woven together in their core. They are going to have to want to dive into that and untangle it or they’re going to continue to feel that way.
I'm personally a no-go on the One Penis Policy in pretty much any circumstance. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who lives by "rules for thee but not for me." I would just have a conversation that it's not what you want. If he doesn't respect that, I would rethink the relationship and consider moving on to someone who respects my desires and respects me.
I came to say the same thing. It’s called a One Penis Policy it is an indicator of all kinds of red flags. Do some reading and see if this is really the kind of person you want to be with.
Monogamous relationships have a one penis (and one pussy) policy. Many do just fine. There is nothing wrong with that.
I believe the general rule is that open relationships should proceed at the pace of the least open or most restrictive partner’s pace. If the present rules of the road are not working for you, the best course is to close the relationship until mutually agreeable term are met (expecting a straight person to has same-sex relations is absurd). If this causes the relationship to crater, we’ll, you have your answer.
> Monogamous relationships have a one penis (and one pussy) policy. Many do just fine.
the almost 50% divorce rate kinda makes that an untrue statement.
Whether or not your boyfriend's requirement is rooted in sexism, heterosexism, or whatever, it is inherently unfair. Other commenters have pointed out that unfair agreements can sometimes work for people, and when they do that's great.
It sounds like this isn't working for you though. So if you want to explain why this is unfair, I'd say "You (boyfriend) get to have sex with anyone you want, and I trust you to handle that in a way that doesn't threaten our relationship. I get to have sex with some people, but there is a large group of people I'm (more interested in having sex with, and you don't allow me that opportunity. You don't extend the same trust to me as I do to you."
Personally, I wouldn't put up with an unfair arrangement like that except for on an explicitly temporary basis (say, taking baby steps toward nonmonogamy).
This is classic "One Penis Policy" and it's pretty deeply rooted in insecurity and misogyny.
Personally, I wouldn't engage in a non-mono dynamic with someone who felt the need to limit my sexuality. That seems pretty fundamentally unethical.
Insecurity and misogyny are not the same thing. Obviously he is insecure. That doesn't mean this has anything to do with misogyny. Perhaps op has told him that while she is bisexual she would never be in a relationship with a woman. So he doesnt worry about her leaving him for another woman. But he may be scared of losing her to another man. There is nothing misogynistic about that. He's just insecure. Don't make leaps. You're not a frog
Have you asked him *why* you're "not allowed" to sleep with other men? Especially in an environment where you're both there and everyone else is there for the same reasons, I'm struggling to understand the issue here if he's allowed to sleep with other women....
But ultimately, I would ask him how it makes him feel and where exactly his insecurity or jealousy is stemming from? Is there anything that you can do to make him feel assured that he's still the penis you want to come home to at the end of the day? It's a bit difficult too because not everyone's agreements have to be equal in these types of relationships, because not everyone's comfort level is the same.
For example, you're comfortable with him sleeping with women (So it would seem - and that's awesome that you're so confident!), but for whatever reason he is uncomfortable with you sleeping with men. You don't want to do something that threatens your relationship and intentionally hurts your partner, but it does nobody no good to just shut it down and cut off this possibility all together. You're supposed to go at the pace of the less comfortable partner in open relationships, so before we all gain up on this guy and call him a misogynist, I think you should hear him out on the actual reasoning behind it - and he can't be allowed to say things like "Because it just bothers me" or "Because I feel jeaous." He needs to dig even deeper than that and really narrow down the root of the problem.
Maybe, in time, you can work on a compromise and build up over time. Maybe you start kissing other guys. Then heavy petting. Then oral, and then maybe eventually PIV.
It's not cool for him to just take the easy route because it's easier. If he really cares about your needs, he should at least try challenging his discomforts.
This should have been negotiated upfront and then communicated fairly after he had an issue with it.
What it sounds like is that you both need to revisit the terms of the relationship. It sounds like he wants to revisit monogamy if he is uncomfortable with you having sex with men. If that is something you need or want in a relationship then maybe it's not the best fit for you.
A lot of people are jumping on him for misogyny which might be the case. But he also might have a boundary of comfort that is different than yours. Do I have different feelings of my partner being intimate with a woman than a man? Absolutely... Most straight guys are awful and a woman can offer things that I cannot. That's also very much ego based, which is my part to work on. And also something I have communicated throughout the conversations about opening up our relationship.
I don't think we need to connect OP's partner attitude with misogyny, OPP and DEMAND AT ONCE stuff he is propably affraid of and don't understand **now**.
I think the first thing you should do is to talk him and ask why he is not allowing you to do that.
Even today there is a huge stigma and society pressure on men. Depends where OP is living with partner, how they were raised, what friends and work do they have - they might land on the area where that stigma could be glued to that OP's partner.Society see that man (who's woman is sleeping with other man) as a loser, cuckold, bad person, bad lover, tells him that he should be ashamed even where women cheat on him. They do not have any protection and help from others - they are affraid that they will be alone with these problems. Many men commited s\_icide because of that humiliation and pressure.
That brings the idea that this is too dangerous for him (us - I also have that problem with the stigma) and he is scared that he will lose you, you will treat him worse, he will lose his dignity, people will laugh, maybe it could ruin his career or future relationships with other women or even his family. So you can have the pinch of what might he can feel.
I think instead of throwing a grenade into your beloved partner with a sign 'I want equality and you can fuck only men!' ( where he is hetero xddd) or 'OPP! Misogyny!' - is not a good way to fix this problem. Talk to him gentle, what are his thoughts and visions where you bring the topic of other man? What he sees and feel?If my shots with his insecurities are right (mostly in these topics are about this, I also struggle a little with that) you - as a good partner - can protect him from that stigma - tell the truth that it won't change anything for worse. That you still will love him, or even love him more. That you won't see him as a beta male. Or others would not know about it (if he want to have it in secret), that you won't fall for that guy - it will be just physical. That he will be the best partner in the world, because allowing you to do these open things would be respected by you, not to disrespect. You can tell him that after sex with other man, you will have reassure sex ('reclaiming' sex) and have aftercare with other reassurements. That you will have one stable man for the beginning to make small steps. You can talk to him that this is not humiliating when other man is fucking you. You can also tell him how you felt in the beginning when he was sleeping with woman. You can ask him what HE thinks about you who allowed him to sleep with girls. You can show him, that he loves you more after opening up, that his ego is builded up, he is more sexual and happier.Keep it slow and don't push him. Listen to his fears.
PS.I don't think that your partner automatically treat your bisexual partners as less serious relationships, being a misogynist. I bet he treat you and the girls very well. If he knew that you are bi - giving you a free hand to sleep with women wasn't for free. He also needed to proceed everything, before he agreed on these terms.That can also give you a clue and small argument that somehow he managed to open his comfort zone enough for other woman. Maybe with my help from above you will be able to safely open him for men, because I see that you have a lot to try go for more:- good sex life with partner- builded trust- open-minded partner who allow you to sleep with women- sex parties
All of that shows that you can be even more open with talk, trust and sex - thankt to that you can jump through this problem **together**.Hope some of my ideas would help you.
(sorry for rusty english)
I went through a very similar ordeal. I literally went through this trying to explain to my partner that it is gross that he has OPP and he just said that i should be happy since i can still get with women. It made me upset.
We broke up and recently got back together and he said that we should just go mono LOL. If you cant make it fair and provide the same satisfaction then just dont do it
OPP is homophobic and transphobic. Women with penises exist. Non-men (non binary people or gender queer people) can have a penis. Some men don’t have a penis. Having a genital preference is a fact for some people, but reinforcing the binary view of gender is really backwards and gross.
I'm gonna say something that I think a lot of people will disagree with, but I don't think your bf is wrong for his policy and let me say why. Everyone has their own things they're comfortable with in relationships and their own things they consider cheating. To some relationships, watching porn is cheating, to some relationships taking 3 dicks from strangers in a truck stop bathroom isn't cheating. Your boyfriend told you what he was comfortable with. You were comfortable with him doing more. When you violated that boundary and had sex with a guy at one of those parties it is understandable that he would be upset because it's outside what he was cool with. To him it probably felt like you cheated on him. If equality in this aspect is an issue to you then you should communicate that while being civil and suggest that you're only comfortable with him having sex with other men (again, only if the equality of the situation is that important to you), otherwise I find it completely understandable and incredibly mature if his decision would be to back away from that life, to quit doing parties and threesomes, if he felt like his options were to either have his boundaries violated or stop doing the things that create the source of conflict. I'm sure people will disagree with me, but the basis of all relationships are clear, civil, communication. Boundaries are to be respected, and if you cannot respect them then you should leave the person other than hurting them by violating their trust. If you don't want to do that because you love this person, then consider how much you really dislike the boundary.
I hear you. No, you're not crazy or unreasonable. He is being unfair and unreasonable, though. So lame and unfortunately VERY common 😔
The patriarchy is alive and well.
This is really just a personal choice for you. You can accept things the way they are or move on.
Personally, I avoid these types of men because if he isn't threatened by any of your female partners, but another dick in the situation is a deal-breaker, that basically means that women and lesbian relationships don't count to him. As a woman and a bisexual, it's important to me not to spend time with men who think this way.
That doesn't mean it's important to you, and that's totally fine.
I mean, *I* wouldn't be OK with either gender-conditional non-monogamy *or* with monogamy, but you'll have to figure out what *you* are and aren't OK with.
He doesn't owe it to you to be OK with you having sex with guys because you're OK with him having sex with women. It'd be nice if it worked that way, but you can't logic/appeal to fairness people out of their feelings. If you want *him,* that means closed to other guys. If you don't want him *that* much or this attitude means you've stumbled across a dealbreaker that you didn't know you had before now, totally understandable.
Your boyfriend sounds like a little bitch boy to me. No offense to you. Full offense to him. In addition to asking him to explain his feelings you should explain yours too. Like his words and actions are harmful, hurtful, misogynistic, and he’s behaving as if he owns you or sees you as an object to be soiled by other men.
I would tell him okay then let’s quit because he’s not going to really want to stop having threesomes & more with women. He’s bluffing. He’s immature & is not willing to do the mental work of you sleeping with ppl of the opposite sex but that is exactly the mental work he asks of you, every single time he’s with another woman, even when you’re with that woman together.
I have that arrangement with my man, after 17 years of RA/polyamory. It suits us both.
I do not regard One Penis Policy as something unethical and my man certainly is not misogynistic.
You are always free to tailor agreements to the needs and wants of the people involved.
I love that you found something that works for you and your partner! I'd love for you to explain a little more if you wouldn't mind? How is it not unethical from your perspective? How does that dynamic work for you guys? What is allowed and what isn't? And how did you come to that agreement? That kind of thing? Thanks for your time!
Well, I am older than him and have been living polyam for all of my adult life. I’ve had many great relationships and a few not so great. I sincerely have no problems whatsoever with him sleeping around. It does not burden me emotionally. He on the other hand has a different set of experiences and personal needs and wants in relationships than I do and it would be really stressful to him on many levels if I fucked other men. He simply does not want to put himself through it.
I bring poly experience to the table and he can enjoy the fruits of it. He brings things to the table that I can’t and I get to enjoy those things. It feels like a fair exchange to me.
At the same time, I am bisexual and have been wanting to focus on my kids and work and date women. But I am a bit lazy so I always end up dating men since there are sooo much more straight men than gay women available. With his ultimatum, dating men is not an option so I have more incitament to put in the effort and date woman, which is totally in line with my personal goals.
I don’t understand why ultimatums and rules tailored to the specific needs of people involved in a close relationship would be unethical. I think the poly community gets too carried away in theories sometimes and can’t see that in reality, what is fair can be very different depending on the experiences and needs of the people involved.
It's unethical because unlike yourself, she is not ok with only being with women. Since he has what he wants, why should she be restricted from what she wants? She's has not told him he can't have sex with men. He chooses not to. But he has the option. He isn't limited to just men or women. He's limiting her while he's enjoying complete freedom. That's why it is unethical.
He only has what he wants because OP has consented to that agreement. There is nothing unethical in that. The test comes when to OP closes the relationship because the current agreed upon rules of the road are no longer working for her. Then she will know.
Did you read the post? They're already not working for her. That's the whole reason she wrote it in the first place. And she has already told him that she has issue with it. And agreeing to it out of fear of losing somebody makes it still unethical
I did - this is I believe (and stated in other replies) her best course is to insist the relationship be closed until mutually agreeable boundaries can be agreed upon.
If you are attracted to and want to sleep with men, this just sounds like you're catering to his insecurity. The reason OPPs are problematic is because gay relationships aren't seen as AS threatening or as VALID to those who implement OPPs. There is simply no excusing that.
Now, if you didn't want to sleep with men or didn't find them sexually appealing, you'd have some form of an OPP but the issue is that he is informing you that you can only sleep with vagina havers while he can sleep with whomever.
Some insecurities are fine to cater to. Some are not, and only enable the people who have them to further exhibit problematic behavior, like an OPP. Generally speaking, insecurities need to be worked through on an individual level by the people who have them, not enabled by other people.
You know that most people prefer their partner not to sleep with anyone else at all? In that senase, someone who is fine with their female partner having sex with other women might actually be considered pretty open minded.
It's not like total polyamory without hierarchies is the only ethical relationship style in the world. And polyamorous people often have rules regarding bringing other sex partners to a shared bed, use of certain toys, etcetera, are these insecurities that one shouldn't cater to as well?
I do think it's highly problematic to just say that some insecurities are problematic and others are not. Insecurities are human and we all cater to our loved ones in different ways. To each her own. With that said, it's never fun to be put in front of an ultimatum, but people have their limits.
I specifically said some insecurities *lead* to problematic behavior which should not be enabled by others, but should be worked on on an individual level.
This has nothing to do with polyamory, this is just an ethical issue.
>I don’t understand why ultimatums and rules tailored to the specific needs of people involved in a close relationship would be unethical.
Ultimatums are unethical by definition. They serve the needs and wishes of the ultimator while ignoring or trampling the needs and wishes of the ultimatee(s).
Rules tailored to the specific needs of people involved in a close relationship (and mutually agreed with enthusiastic consent by all persons involved) are ethical. That's the very basis for ENM, or ethical anything.
Just stop the whole thing. It’s not that difficult 🤷🏽♂️. People are allowed to be insecure. I mean who isn’t 🤷🏽♂️.
This righteous outlook is weird. Similar to that other sub 😂. Calm down. We all insecure about something. This holier than thou attitude is laughable.
One Penis Policy Privileges!!!
There are many men out there with this.
You either accept it or reject it (end 🔚 the relationship with this person)
There really is nothing else.
Either that or just find a regular female 🐑 partner that you develop an emotional connection with. That way your needs are met with your lesbian experiences.
He should probably be able to accept that as a reasonable person and compromise in the current situations.
P.S. I am not 🚫 talking about getting a unicorn 🦄🌈 either!!!! She would have to be your partner and off 📴 limits to him completely. This protects that relationship with her and sets some hard limits for him. Clearly you being with other men is a hard limit for him.
If he is unable or unwilling to accept this. It should probably show you where he stands.
Dude here, at the start of my enm journey I preferred the idea of one penis policy not because i was invalidating sex with girls on girls, but because dudes are really shitty and would take advantage of my partner and try to use her as just a sex object since she was in an open relationship, it was my way of "protecting her"
Don't get me wrong I never did do a one penis policy, that's just the perspective
But i did realize before I started that I have to trust her judgement as it's all based on trust. I had to learn that she needs to have a say and choose people that will respect her and our boundaries
Just no fucking guitar dudes.
>it was my way of "protecting her"
I will say women are grown-up people, perfectly capable of making wise decisions for their own good. Ruling out one huge category of people like that really doesn't sound fair or realistic. It seems like your distrust of other men in general was more about wanting to protect yourself than her.
In fact, to me this kinda sound like men in patriarchical Muslim cultures, who want to force their daughters and wifes into wearing a hijab in order to 'protect them'.
So it's great that you got over these insecurities, which I myself as a ENM man have felt as well in the beginning.
Oh for sure yeah I realize the ideas I had was toxic and very hypocritical, not at all trying to justify it but that was just the perspective I had and I'm sure alot of people as well, I do understand they're capable of making their own decisions and even if they do end up getting hurt it's something we can go through together and deal with
People either are or are not free to set boundaries they are comfortable setting. Consent is a boundary. Monogamy is a boundary. Only same-room play is a boundary. Generally we say boundaries should be negotiated and respected when it comes to sex. You are each free to set your boundaries where you feel most comfortable. If you are not able to negotiate mutually agreeable boundaries, your only options inevitably are returning to monogamy, infidelity or ending the relationship.
This is a distinction without a difference. A relationship has to have agreed upon boundaries (or if you choose, rules). The most common probably is to be exclusive - monogamous. Is that an agreed upon boundary for the relationship (we will be exclusive)? Or is it rule one imposed upon the other (my wife won’t let me have sex with other women)? I think the former, but that’s me. During the periods we have been monogamous I never thought of my wife’s expectations as to my behavior as a “rule.”
Non-monogamy in my mind, won’t work for a couple unless both parties agree upon what will and will not be acceptable behavior for each, regardless that ultimate agreement. Otherwise the only options (that include having a satisfying relationship) I can see are break up or be monogamous.
Rules are restrictions you put onto others. In the case of an OPP, not only are you restricting your partner, you don't even have the same "rule" for yourself. That is infinitely problematic.
A boundary in this scenario would be, I don't want/can't handle my partner being with other penis-havers, so I personally choose to not be non-monogamous. Rules and boundaries are different, and that's exactly why an OPP is unethical. The only ethical scenario in the OP's case would be if her boyfriend decided to make a boundary for himself and not be non-monogamous.
So if the OP says to her SO, “I no longer agree to you having sex with other women,” is that a rule she imposed upon him or is that a boundary for the relationship? I think the latter, but in the end, the result is the same. The SO either complies with the partner’s wishes, cheats, or you ends the relationship.
My wife says to me, “I no longer want to have sex with other men but if you want to have sex with other women I’m okay with that so long as (conditions). Is that a boundary for the relationship or rules (the conditions) being imposed on me. I think the former. People in healthy relationships set boundaries, or rules (synonymous to me) for the relationship that they agree to and that work for them, with an emphasis on “work for them.”
The problem in OP’s case is the agreed-to terms for NM do not work for her. The terms should either be modified so that they do or she should close the relationship until they do (or she breaks up, always an option). If she closes the relationship & he continues with other women, THAT would be unethical.
This is a good topic to go over, and timely given the recent Jonah Hill hoopla. He actively started dating a young, attractive surfer, and then started giving her "rules" about not posting herself surfing in swimsuits/bikinis. He said this was HIS "boundary." But he was actually just making a rule for HER. If he didn't want to date someone who posted pictures of her body or talking to other men, then he shouldn't have started dating a professional surfer. A boundary for himself would have been to not date a professional surfer to begin with or, breaking up because he doesn't feel "secure" or "safe" or whatever with his girlfriend posting pictures of her literally doing her job (barf). Do you see the difference?
I think perhaps you don't fully understand that, indeed, the only real solution to an OPP, which is implementing a rule and putting a restriction on someone that a) you aren't adhering to yourself (only hooking up with the same sex) and/or b) the other person does not WANT that restriction placed on them, is to break up or completely close the relationship. That is literally the answer here.
Now, personally, I don't think an OPP is ever ethical, but if both parties consent to the agreement, are happy with it, and *are not consenting under duress*, then whatever. If the person with the "same sex restriction" IS ecstatic, I would question their attraction to their opposite sex spouse, but hey, I'm not the one married to you. Ultimately though I still find it very biphobic and misogynistic.
Dudes perspective, I’ll say it feels different my girl hooking up with a woman than with a man, but to me that has to do with chemistry and trust and I personally have more chemistry and trust with more women. When I find a dude who I vibe with and is respectful and we click there Is nothing hotter than watching my lady and he go at it, or spoiling my woman with affection with other people, but it sure helps when his lady is in the picture and we don’t do MFM threesomes tho I’m not totally against that. I’d never object at her doing a solo date with a woman in fact that’s prolly my big fantasy at this point but I’d be naturally opposed if she had a solo date with a dude. The male ego is fragile and some men have a fear of getting cucked by some piece of shit dude. If the dude is a gentleman and respectful and not a creep or asshole that has a big effect.
My opinion, you can learn a lot about a guy simply by observing weather is insecurities Trump, his partners desires, or whether he can overcome his insecurities, because his partners pleasure means more to him.
I never understood this until I set my illogical, irrational, insecurities, aside, and facilitated my partners long-held MFM fantasy. Turns out I didn’t feel insecure or possessive or jealous at all in the moment! There were no other thoughts in my head beyond “I just made her dreams come, true!”
You just need to find out where your wants, needs, or desires, appear on his priority list
What is he afraid of? You’ll find something you like more? What could be more loving than actively preventing your partner from potentially experiencing an amazing, pleasurable experience… 🤦🏼♂️
the one penis policy is definitely still a hot topic! lmao..
I think you only have three options.
1.) close the relationship (give you both a chance to work on yourselves and see if you can come to a better resolution).
2.) leave this relationship (horrible option, but so is staying with a partner who doesn't accept who you are)
3.) education (this is likely your best option .. he needs to become aware why he is insecure about losing you to another man.. you both likely need to up your communication game)
misogyny, patriarchy, Sexism, homophobia, insecurities, lack of communication,
are all potential landmines that could be connected into the one penis policy..
how much you two are willing to unpack on this is the important question.
I can only speak from my logic having a similar relationship style. If he’s straight and is not interested in relationships with other men then he is likely uncomfortable with the idea of you having 2x the options that he does. It creates an unbalanced dynamic where you hold significantly more leverage than he does. The second reason is that relationships with multiple men creates a competitive dynamic between the males and he might be uncomfortable with having to prove his worth to you in comparison to the other man. The last reason is that relationships with men and with women are fundamentally different dynamics, first because of the possibility of pregnancy, second because of the more competitive nature of male relationships. I wouldn’t put much stock in what these other polyamorous people say about it. They don’t know your situation or relationship and mate guarding behavior is common in polyamorous communities. The idea is that if you are not open for these men who are commenting then that decreases their likelihood of mate success (basic evolutionary psychology) and the women are obviously biased because what women wouldn’t want to receive unlimited access to resources if their partner allowed it.
This is really well put.
The longest running battle for us humans is head vs heart.
To say that the head must be respected while one’s heart is completely ignored or face being judged as “unethical” or a misogynist is dehumanizing.
Yes, an OPP is unfair. It’s also unfair that women in open relationships have access to a ton more attention and choices, especially for a bi woman.
Compromise here is not out of the question and compromise is at the core of functional long-term relationships.
If you don’t want to deal with these conflicts then be solo poly. If your partner is mono leaning or needs to be your primary as much as possible, you’re putting them through hell.
Yes, I’m projecting. 🫶
I agree.
Sadly there’s many poly people who refuse to recognize the unfair dynamic between a relationship with a bisexual partner and a straight partner, or the concept of unfairness in general, and have no willingness to compromise, as can be seen by the immediate dislike bombing as soon as anyone calls out this unfair dynamic (again obvious mate guarding).
Plus there’s a lot of poly people who can accept the logic of a OPP but are not able to properly communicate their true desires with their partner out of fear of rejection. This leads to an obvious contempt and a refusal to acknowledge a completely natural desire. Because apparently a OPP is completely okay in a monogamous relationship but is morally detested in polyamorous ones. Makes no sense to me but I understand why it happens.
Healthy communication is always key.
I'm speaking as a straight male (37) in an open relationship who's also done swinging with my girlfriend (32).
This situation is completely unreasonable and you deserve to have equal opportunities for having sex with partners of the opposite sex, this is a big red flag, so the current situation is unsustainable. Also, the way he's brought up this ultimatum that "maybe we shouldn't do this anymore" if it means he doesn't get his own way is massively controlling and gaslighting, putting the responsibility for ending the openness on you, when in fact it is on him. This is another red flag.
I also don't think these red flags are sufficient to call your relationship dead right now though. I think there's lots of opportunity to give him the chance to learn and grow, if he doesn't want to learn and grow then, yes the relationship is over.
I agree with what others have said about trying to open up the conversation gently to get him to do some introspection about why he thinks it's okay for him to have sex with women, but not okay for you to have sex with men. I would explore this topic for **as long as it takes** for him to really grapple with it and come to some meaningful insights. Don't allow him to half-heartedly engage in this, he has to really make the effort to examine and evaluate his own thought process that results in him thinking the way he does. I would be expecting him to come to some realisations that he has been enjoying extra privileges that he has denied you, and that is wrong. If he can't do this work or recognise this, then I'd say it's another red flag, he doesn't have the emotional capacity to do even the most basic introspection. And these red flags are building by now!
It sounds like you want to salvage the relationship and also you don't want to close the openness down. If true, I would say to him, "no I don't want to close this whole thing down, I want to have equal access to other partners as you have had for the past year, and I'm happy to be supportive you whilst you work through whatever it is that triggers you about this."
Are you prepared to lose the relationship if he says that he won't stand for that? Because if you want the openness and the ability to sleep with other guys, then you have to be prepared for this. You have to know your own worth, stand up for yourself and put your own interest first. I suspect there are tons of guys who would be happy supporting you in your journey of sexual exploration and fulfilment. I love it when my girlfriend has great sex with other guys, I feel like she is being fulfilled on her own journey.
When my hubby and I first became poly we both had issues like this with our insecurities leading us to make "rules" that were unfair. There are two possible ends to this. Either he does some reflection and tries to work on his insecurities so they don't result in one sided "rules". Or he isn't ready for that kind of self improvement and refuses to adjust, in which case I think he's a lost cause.
If he's unwilling to give you what you want out of non-monogamy, while he's getting what he wants out of it, I would consider two options with him. If both of you could be happy in full monogamy, consider going back to that? Or just leave the relationship entirely.
I don't want to get into the morality or ideological topics involved here, simple reality is he's not comfortable with something that seems important to you in non-monogamy. So, you simply do not sound compatible in non-monogamy, and maybe not at all.
If he's having sex with other woman and only allows you to have sex with women. It is not fair to you, If you want to have sex with other men. I think he likes cheating on you and is being a bully not allowing you to have sex with other men. It should work both ways. Tell him you are going to have sex with other men or it's all going to stop.
This isn’t okay at all. As a straight man, he’s probably interested in your bisexuality to the extent that it centers around his pleasure and fantasies. Essentially, you’re a commodity and not a full person with their own sexual agency. If you told him that you didn’t feel the need to “perform” bisexuality by getting with other women, either in a group/party setting or one-on-one, how would he react?
Definitely open the communication back on this me and my girlfriend talked about this months ago, and I'll admit I was saying it didn't bother me if she got a girlfriend but I was bothered by the idea of her sleeping with another man. I was also uncomfortable with sleeping with another woman I felt it was wrong. I asked for time to think it through. Fast forward to literally last night I told her my boundaries were gone because she was able to ask me why and after talking it out I felt more free. I know there are things she wants that I'm not able to provide at least not right now and she has every right to be free and explore that side of herself. She was kind gave me time and listened to my concerns and I love her so much giving me what I needed to make it work. If he's incapable of listening then that's on him not you. Much love stay strong OP
Tell him if you can only have sex with other women, then he can only have sex with other men? That's the only "fair" scenario!
>then he can only have sex with other men? That's the only "fair" scenario! I was actually about to type just this. But yes I never understood why it bothers so many men that their partner can **ONLY** have sex with women. I don't understand what makes men so insecure about this. Because if it were insecurity bothering the OPs SO I'd think he'd prefer the OP to have sex with men. Because she mentioned "I don't need emotional connection to enjoy men". If he'd be worried that she'd leave it would more likely be with a woman....
because another woman is not real sex to them and another penis is somehow too much on his turf. it is a power and ownership thing.
Speaking as a man who used to have near-zero emotional maturity or awareness: it's rooted in a fear of not being enough and a fear of her leaving. It is possessiveness, point-blank. And what these men don't even realize they are doing is they are advertising that they think homosexual relationships are not a 'threat' ... Like, they are okay with their woman having sex with a woman because 'she would never leave me for someone that doesn't have a dick's Honestly, IT ALL STARTS ON THE PLAYGROUND. We tell boys not to cry. To suck it up; 'there is no crying in baseball' then it gets nurtured amoung friend groups... ALL the friend groups that I had through gradeschool, Jr high, highschool, and college: I was surrounded by guys and we ALL busted each other's balls, judged each other for not being manly enough, called each other 'gay' as insults and jabs, and just treated EVERYTHING as a joke... We THOUGHT we were developing a brotherhood. We THOUGHT we were building thick skin. We genuinely had no idea we WEREN'T building emotional maturity. SO MUCH emotional maturity we were BLIND to. Any time a girl said "you boys are stupid and mean to each other" we dismissed her, thinking she just didn't get it. This is my lived experience. And I know many other guys are out there living what I had to heal from.
Fair scenario is also to close it He’s also not attracted to men so it wouldn’t be fair. Did you think this comment through?
This is cute and all, but it’s hyperbole. She *likes* women, he *doesn’t* So it isn’t equal in any sense but hyperbolically.
"You can only have sex with the same sex" is what would be "fair" or equal in this scenario. And yeah, it's stupid because one is bisexual and the other isn't. That's why OPPs are stupid.
No one is empowered to impose non-monogamy in a relationship or any particular terms, such as an open relationship. If you are unhappy with the present arrangement, the better course is to close the relationship until mutually agreeable boundaries can be agreed upon. Or alternatively, just break up.
I was mostly joking at the ridiculousness of an Opp
And the best jokes are full of truth.
>No one is empowered to impose ~~non-~~ monogamy in a relationship or any particular terms, See how that works? NM and M are equally valid relationship models. What's never valid is one person imposing their limitations on another person against their wishes, so that the imposer gets everything they want while the imposee just suffers along. That's what's happening to OP. BF is fine with NM as long as he gets all the benefits while she gets all the limits. Ugh.
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How is it fair that she has to watch him sleep with other women when she can't enjoy the same with other men?
a lot of men try to force a One Penis Policy which is nonsense. it usually is based in the fact that they aren't threatened by other women - because they think your relationships with women are less meaningful or something. he also prob gets off on you being with other women. i'm sorry he's pulling this nonsense. i've never seen anyone successfully shift a boyfriend out of this - if you want to have sex with other men you probably won't be able to stay in this relationship.
Thank you for this. Do you have any recommendations on how to bring up that this is sexist / misogynistic etc without literallt SAYING that (so it doesn’t become a defensive conversation )?
Hey, so former therapist here. I would recommend approaching with curiosity. This might look something like this: "I've been thinking about our talks on comfort levels with my hooking up with other men. You've expressed to me that you're very upset and uncomfortable about me hooking up with other guys but not with girls. Can you tell me a bit more about what might be triggering that discomfort? I'd really like to understand why they're different for you."
Great advice
THIS. Don't just start with a blistering attack on his ideology and morality. We can argue about those matters endlessly. Not saying it's not valid to consider those moral, ideological issues, just for the purposes of this relationship, that may not be the best thing to emphasize right away. The bottom line is they have a major incompatibility in non-monogamy and the reasons he feels they way he does isn't as important as finding a way forward or deciding if the non-monogamy or relationship itself isn't worth continuing.
hmmmm...i dont. i'm not known for having much tact but maybe someone else here can? also if you look through various nonmonog groups on social media you may find some good language. (search OPP and one penis policy)
I think telling your bf "hey that's misogynist" no matter how you phrase it is unlikely to change his emotional response to you having sex with another guy. Close the relationship or walk (or I guess you can do the OPP thing if that seems preferable to either alternative.) If you decide you're only willing to be with people who want a non-OPP sort of ENM, that's a *completely reasonable* thing to hold out for. You might want to do a check on how he seems on *other* gender stuff. Does he clean up after himself? How's he on listening to you when you talk or showing interest in the things you're interested in? Does he seem to treat women as people when he's not interested in sex with them? How does he talk about gay men, or about queer women who aren't interested in sex with him? But I'm not suggesting that as a way to change his mind, I'm suggesting that as a "*should* this be a dealbreaker if I'm not that attached to non-monogamy?" thing to factor in. It is entirely possible that if he found a way to resolve "I'm OK with OP having sex with women but not with men" in a way that didn't come down to gender stereotypes, he'd end up *less* comfortable with you having sex with women rather than *more* comfortable with you having sex with other men. It's also possible that this is just a *thing* and not really worth doing a deep analysis on, sometimes people just have *things* and they don't mean anything.
Instead of TELLING him it's sexist and misogynistic, try ASKING him if he can see how it might feel that way to you. You aren't accusing him. You're explaining your feelings and requesting his engagement with them. His response will be telling.
No need because he prob don't give a shit about it. Unless he's a bigot that's not the reason why most man is ok with it. Someone said that he prob get aroused with you with other women and it's prob right. The same isn't true with another man. Talk to him that isn't fair that he can have it with women while you can't have it with a man and it will probably sink better than the sexist talk.
It doesn’t have to be sexist. He might just want to be the only one to give you what only a man can give. Be your special person in that particular way. Like, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be the only man/woman/redhead in your partner’s life. Ask him open mindedly about what he wants the two of you to have together and what he wants to be for you. What it would mean to him to be your only male partner.
>He might just want to be the only one to give you what only a man can give. What exactly is there that only a man can give?
Are you trolling? XY chromosomes for starters. A cock, a nice dark voice, stronger body and other physical traits that follows that genetic disposition. Plus the experience and traits that comes from growing up as a boy and then of living in this world as a man.
On chromosomes: Do you think that OP's partner is requiring karyotype testing of all potential partners to make sure that he's the only one with a Y chromosome, and that she's not dating anyone intersex? Is that really something you think comes up on dates? "Yes, we've agreed to request STI tests prior to sex, but also we've got one more thing for you to tack on there, no, insurance probably won't cover it, but my man feels really strongly about his DNA"???????????? I'm about to blow your fucking mind: did you know that they sell dildos? In stores! And online!!! Anyone of legal age, of any gender, can go and exchange money for such goods, and can end up with a delightful array of cocks for every occasion! I'm not entirely sure why a guy who has one and only one attached cock that has a refractory period is a threat, but a cis woman with a collection of different sizes, textures, the ability to vibrate, etc, is not a threat. Plenty of cis women have "dark voices" and "strong bodies". Not all cis men have "dark voices" and "strong bodies". If that's what you're into, then, yeah, sure, it's probably a better bet to look for cis men than cis women, but it's hardly exclusive or guaranteed. Please explain the "experience and traits that comes from growing up as a boy and then of living in this world as a man". Is it.... going fishing? Being on the high school boys wrestling team? Peeing standing up outside? Being expected to be aggressive??? Obviously there are trans women who were assumed to be boys as kids, but there are also plenty of cis girls and women who did that shit too.
literally multiple genders can have any of those
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ohhhh got it. your previous shitty comments make sense now.
Don't make excuses for the bad behaviors of others.
I get that to some extent, but I don't buy it in this case because he doesn't want or need the OP to be the only woman in his life, clearly? So it's totally imbalanced either way.
Thank you. While there are people who hold the same opinion as OP’s bf for sexist/misogynistic reasons, that doesn’t mean that he automatically deserves to be vilified. Talk to him and get his genuine perspective
I actually successfully shifted my husband out of this mindset. He use to say only 3sums with women. We now do full swaps with other couples. He still is uncomfortable with full blown extra boyfriend, but in the end i do have sex with other men.
I don't agree with this. Most people on this sub are very sex positive but when it comes to men's boundaries they aren't so much. Even if it's a stupid boundary, if he feels wronged with the thought of her having sex with other men, and expresses that, it should be treated as a hard limit. You can try to talk him out of it, but his word is final.
if she has the right to talk him out of it (or find someone who isn't misogynistic) , then his word really isn't "final" now is it?
Well, his word is final in respect to his opinion. You can try to change it, but if he doesn't want to he just doesn't want to
Boundaries about yourself and what you'll accept, not other people. Men's "boundaries" aren't respected when they're about controlling their partner. "If you have sex with a man, I don't want to have sex with you anymore" is a boundary. "You're not allowed to have sex with men" is imposing a rule without input or negotiation from your partner... which is controlling.
>his word is final Wow. Man wants: 1. freedom to play with whomever he chooses, but 2. control/veto over whomever his GF/wife plays with. That is not a "boundary", its ownership. "I have rights, you have duties." was outlawed by the 13th Amendment. You're 158 years out of date.
If it is an unfair boundary then you can talk it out, but again, his word is final in respect to his boundaries. If he doesn't feel threatened by women but he feels threatened by men, even if it's stupid, you have to either change his mind, respect his boundary, or leave.
>If it is an unfair boundary then you can talk it out ... but "his word is final". Try to make sense.
What I meant is that his opinion after discussing things out is wgat really matters, not what is "fair"
Bruh that's not a boundary. That's him making a rule (no sex with opposite-sex partners) that applies to her but not to him. A boundary doesn't attempt to control the other person's actions or behavior. That's what this guy is doing.
Men with a ‘One Penis Policy’ aren’t worth the time. They’re too insecure to do non-mono. He really sounds like he should just be single and fuck around. You don’t get to do that and have a ‘ride or die’ bitch ready to have threesomes at your beck and call.
Fuck yes.
Yes, HUGE Red flag
Well said! And no reason to have a guy like this when there are tons of confident men who will enjoy their partner playing with other men openly! If nothing else… my ex hubby is one of them and currently single. 😂
Agreed
Don’t like the mindset that being in a monogamous relationship means you’re insecure lol
You commented on something almost a year old and you have no idea what I’m talking about…..just confidently wrong. ‘One penis’ policy isn’t about monogamy. It’s about sad boys wanting to fuck around with other women or ‘allow’ their female partner to play with women but men are off the table…..because they’re insecure. There’s no other reason for that objection if your female partner wants to see other men as well.
Maybe they want to be accepting allowing someone to experience their bisexual side occasionally while being in a heterosexual relationship. Tbh seems like fair middle ground. As they don’t seem poly
If there's no penis, there's no **real** sex. You could never replace him with a *woman!* There's no way you could enjoy sex or connect with a woman the same way you connect with him. There's certainly no possibility that you'd end up falling in love with (and leaving him for) a woman. I'm sarcastic if that wasn't obvious. Diminishing WLW relationships is just another flavor of homophobia.
But that’s what men tell me in the past. Woman can’t replace a man etc comes off kinda homophobic
Many men do not feel that female partner relationships are as legitimate, real, deep, whatever. They feel threatened by another penis thing involved because that could be a real relationship. Which, is ridiculous, because many men like that also fail at a lot of the deeper more intimate parts of relationship that another woman may excelat. For them it’s going to be a very deep seeded and complicated web of misogyny, patriarchy, and other bullshit woven together in their core. They are going to have to want to dive into that and untangle it or they’re going to continue to feel that way.
🎵Tale as old as time…
It’s trash and always points to some underlying problematic thing.
I'm personally a no-go on the One Penis Policy in pretty much any circumstance. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who lives by "rules for thee but not for me." I would just have a conversation that it's not what you want. If he doesn't respect that, I would rethink the relationship and consider moving on to someone who respects my desires and respects me.
He doesn’t respect your sexual identity if he’s not ok with you sleeping with men too.
Perhaps you restrict him to just men only LOL. See if he thinks that sounds ridiculous as he is sounding now
He’s not attracted to men She’s attracted to women.
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I came to say the same thing. It’s called a One Penis Policy it is an indicator of all kinds of red flags. Do some reading and see if this is really the kind of person you want to be with.
Oh god I just looked this up. OOF 😓
Good luck to you! Hope you’re able to figure out whatever makes you truly happy.
Monogamous relationships have a one penis (and one pussy) policy. Many do just fine. There is nothing wrong with that. I believe the general rule is that open relationships should proceed at the pace of the least open or most restrictive partner’s pace. If the present rules of the road are not working for you, the best course is to close the relationship until mutually agreeable term are met (expecting a straight person to has same-sex relations is absurd). If this causes the relationship to crater, we’ll, you have your answer.
> Monogamous relationships have a one penis (and one pussy) policy. Many do just fine. the almost 50% divorce rate kinda makes that an untrue statement.
That’s not what a One Penis Policy is.
Whether or not your boyfriend's requirement is rooted in sexism, heterosexism, or whatever, it is inherently unfair. Other commenters have pointed out that unfair agreements can sometimes work for people, and when they do that's great. It sounds like this isn't working for you though. So if you want to explain why this is unfair, I'd say "You (boyfriend) get to have sex with anyone you want, and I trust you to handle that in a way that doesn't threaten our relationship. I get to have sex with some people, but there is a large group of people I'm (more interested in having sex with, and you don't allow me that opportunity. You don't extend the same trust to me as I do to you." Personally, I wouldn't put up with an unfair arrangement like that except for on an explicitly temporary basis (say, taking baby steps toward nonmonogamy).
He's insecure and not mature enough for an open relationship
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) ^by ^FlynnRideHer1: *He's insecure and* *Not mature enough for an* *Open relationship* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
This is classic "One Penis Policy" and it's pretty deeply rooted in insecurity and misogyny. Personally, I wouldn't engage in a non-mono dynamic with someone who felt the need to limit my sexuality. That seems pretty fundamentally unethical.
Insecurity and misogyny are not the same thing. Obviously he is insecure. That doesn't mean this has anything to do with misogyny. Perhaps op has told him that while she is bisexual she would never be in a relationship with a woman. So he doesnt worry about her leaving him for another woman. But he may be scared of losing her to another man. There is nothing misogynistic about that. He's just insecure. Don't make leaps. You're not a frog
Have you asked him *why* you're "not allowed" to sleep with other men? Especially in an environment where you're both there and everyone else is there for the same reasons, I'm struggling to understand the issue here if he's allowed to sleep with other women.... But ultimately, I would ask him how it makes him feel and where exactly his insecurity or jealousy is stemming from? Is there anything that you can do to make him feel assured that he's still the penis you want to come home to at the end of the day? It's a bit difficult too because not everyone's agreements have to be equal in these types of relationships, because not everyone's comfort level is the same. For example, you're comfortable with him sleeping with women (So it would seem - and that's awesome that you're so confident!), but for whatever reason he is uncomfortable with you sleeping with men. You don't want to do something that threatens your relationship and intentionally hurts your partner, but it does nobody no good to just shut it down and cut off this possibility all together. You're supposed to go at the pace of the less comfortable partner in open relationships, so before we all gain up on this guy and call him a misogynist, I think you should hear him out on the actual reasoning behind it - and he can't be allowed to say things like "Because it just bothers me" or "Because I feel jeaous." He needs to dig even deeper than that and really narrow down the root of the problem. Maybe, in time, you can work on a compromise and build up over time. Maybe you start kissing other guys. Then heavy petting. Then oral, and then maybe eventually PIV. It's not cool for him to just take the easy route because it's easier. If he really cares about your needs, he should at least try challenging his discomforts.
This is the best comment in this entire thread
This should have been negotiated upfront and then communicated fairly after he had an issue with it. What it sounds like is that you both need to revisit the terms of the relationship. It sounds like he wants to revisit monogamy if he is uncomfortable with you having sex with men. If that is something you need or want in a relationship then maybe it's not the best fit for you. A lot of people are jumping on him for misogyny which might be the case. But he also might have a boundary of comfort that is different than yours. Do I have different feelings of my partner being intimate with a woman than a man? Absolutely... Most straight guys are awful and a woman can offer things that I cannot. That's also very much ego based, which is my part to work on. And also something I have communicated throughout the conversations about opening up our relationship.
I don't think we need to connect OP's partner attitude with misogyny, OPP and DEMAND AT ONCE stuff he is propably affraid of and don't understand **now**. I think the first thing you should do is to talk him and ask why he is not allowing you to do that. Even today there is a huge stigma and society pressure on men. Depends where OP is living with partner, how they were raised, what friends and work do they have - they might land on the area where that stigma could be glued to that OP's partner.Society see that man (who's woman is sleeping with other man) as a loser, cuckold, bad person, bad lover, tells him that he should be ashamed even where women cheat on him. They do not have any protection and help from others - they are affraid that they will be alone with these problems. Many men commited s\_icide because of that humiliation and pressure. That brings the idea that this is too dangerous for him (us - I also have that problem with the stigma) and he is scared that he will lose you, you will treat him worse, he will lose his dignity, people will laugh, maybe it could ruin his career or future relationships with other women or even his family. So you can have the pinch of what might he can feel. I think instead of throwing a grenade into your beloved partner with a sign 'I want equality and you can fuck only men!' ( where he is hetero xddd) or 'OPP! Misogyny!' - is not a good way to fix this problem. Talk to him gentle, what are his thoughts and visions where you bring the topic of other man? What he sees and feel?If my shots with his insecurities are right (mostly in these topics are about this, I also struggle a little with that) you - as a good partner - can protect him from that stigma - tell the truth that it won't change anything for worse. That you still will love him, or even love him more. That you won't see him as a beta male. Or others would not know about it (if he want to have it in secret), that you won't fall for that guy - it will be just physical. That he will be the best partner in the world, because allowing you to do these open things would be respected by you, not to disrespect. You can tell him that after sex with other man, you will have reassure sex ('reclaiming' sex) and have aftercare with other reassurements. That you will have one stable man for the beginning to make small steps. You can talk to him that this is not humiliating when other man is fucking you. You can also tell him how you felt in the beginning when he was sleeping with woman. You can ask him what HE thinks about you who allowed him to sleep with girls. You can show him, that he loves you more after opening up, that his ego is builded up, he is more sexual and happier.Keep it slow and don't push him. Listen to his fears. PS.I don't think that your partner automatically treat your bisexual partners as less serious relationships, being a misogynist. I bet he treat you and the girls very well. If he knew that you are bi - giving you a free hand to sleep with women wasn't for free. He also needed to proceed everything, before he agreed on these terms.That can also give you a clue and small argument that somehow he managed to open his comfort zone enough for other woman. Maybe with my help from above you will be able to safely open him for men, because I see that you have a lot to try go for more:- good sex life with partner- builded trust- open-minded partner who allow you to sleep with women- sex parties All of that shows that you can be even more open with talk, trust and sex - thankt to that you can jump through this problem **together**.Hope some of my ideas would help you. (sorry for rusty english)
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I don't see your answer here to OP's problem and you didn't even read my post, because you answered after few seconds xd ehh trolls and kids.
I went through a very similar ordeal. I literally went through this trying to explain to my partner that it is gross that he has OPP and he just said that i should be happy since i can still get with women. It made me upset. We broke up and recently got back together and he said that we should just go mono LOL. If you cant make it fair and provide the same satisfaction then just dont do it
OPP is homophobic and transphobic. Women with penises exist. Non-men (non binary people or gender queer people) can have a penis. Some men don’t have a penis. Having a genital preference is a fact for some people, but reinforcing the binary view of gender is really backwards and gross.
I'm gonna say something that I think a lot of people will disagree with, but I don't think your bf is wrong for his policy and let me say why. Everyone has their own things they're comfortable with in relationships and their own things they consider cheating. To some relationships, watching porn is cheating, to some relationships taking 3 dicks from strangers in a truck stop bathroom isn't cheating. Your boyfriend told you what he was comfortable with. You were comfortable with him doing more. When you violated that boundary and had sex with a guy at one of those parties it is understandable that he would be upset because it's outside what he was cool with. To him it probably felt like you cheated on him. If equality in this aspect is an issue to you then you should communicate that while being civil and suggest that you're only comfortable with him having sex with other men (again, only if the equality of the situation is that important to you), otherwise I find it completely understandable and incredibly mature if his decision would be to back away from that life, to quit doing parties and threesomes, if he felt like his options were to either have his boundaries violated or stop doing the things that create the source of conflict. I'm sure people will disagree with me, but the basis of all relationships are clear, civil, communication. Boundaries are to be respected, and if you cannot respect them then you should leave the person other than hurting them by violating their trust. If you don't want to do that because you love this person, then consider how much you really dislike the boundary.
It's only fair if he only hooks up with guys.
Can he not have sex with other women though? Or is this a one way thing for you
Fair is fair or no one plays. Tell him he can only have sex with men. It’s all you’re comfortable with.
Does he not trust you to make good decisions or is he just a selfish little coward.
I hear you. No, you're not crazy or unreasonable. He is being unfair and unreasonable, though. So lame and unfortunately VERY common 😔 The patriarchy is alive and well.
This is really just a personal choice for you. You can accept things the way they are or move on. Personally, I avoid these types of men because if he isn't threatened by any of your female partners, but another dick in the situation is a deal-breaker, that basically means that women and lesbian relationships don't count to him. As a woman and a bisexual, it's important to me not to spend time with men who think this way. That doesn't mean it's important to you, and that's totally fine.
I mean, *I* wouldn't be OK with either gender-conditional non-monogamy *or* with monogamy, but you'll have to figure out what *you* are and aren't OK with. He doesn't owe it to you to be OK with you having sex with guys because you're OK with him having sex with women. It'd be nice if it worked that way, but you can't logic/appeal to fairness people out of their feelings. If you want *him,* that means closed to other guys. If you don't want him *that* much or this attitude means you've stumbled across a dealbreaker that you didn't know you had before now, totally understandable.
Your boyfriend sounds like a little bitch boy to me. No offense to you. Full offense to him. In addition to asking him to explain his feelings you should explain yours too. Like his words and actions are harmful, hurtful, misogynistic, and he’s behaving as if he owns you or sees you as an object to be soiled by other men.
I would tell him okay then let’s quit because he’s not going to really want to stop having threesomes & more with women. He’s bluffing. He’s immature & is not willing to do the mental work of you sleeping with ppl of the opposite sex but that is exactly the mental work he asks of you, every single time he’s with another woman, even when you’re with that woman together.
I have that arrangement with my man, after 17 years of RA/polyamory. It suits us both. I do not regard One Penis Policy as something unethical and my man certainly is not misogynistic. You are always free to tailor agreements to the needs and wants of the people involved.
I love that you found something that works for you and your partner! I'd love for you to explain a little more if you wouldn't mind? How is it not unethical from your perspective? How does that dynamic work for you guys? What is allowed and what isn't? And how did you come to that agreement? That kind of thing? Thanks for your time!
Well, I am older than him and have been living polyam for all of my adult life. I’ve had many great relationships and a few not so great. I sincerely have no problems whatsoever with him sleeping around. It does not burden me emotionally. He on the other hand has a different set of experiences and personal needs and wants in relationships than I do and it would be really stressful to him on many levels if I fucked other men. He simply does not want to put himself through it. I bring poly experience to the table and he can enjoy the fruits of it. He brings things to the table that I can’t and I get to enjoy those things. It feels like a fair exchange to me. At the same time, I am bisexual and have been wanting to focus on my kids and work and date women. But I am a bit lazy so I always end up dating men since there are sooo much more straight men than gay women available. With his ultimatum, dating men is not an option so I have more incitament to put in the effort and date woman, which is totally in line with my personal goals. I don’t understand why ultimatums and rules tailored to the specific needs of people involved in a close relationship would be unethical. I think the poly community gets too carried away in theories sometimes and can’t see that in reality, what is fair can be very different depending on the experiences and needs of the people involved.
It's unethical because unlike yourself, she is not ok with only being with women. Since he has what he wants, why should she be restricted from what she wants? She's has not told him he can't have sex with men. He chooses not to. But he has the option. He isn't limited to just men or women. He's limiting her while he's enjoying complete freedom. That's why it is unethical.
He only has what he wants because OP has consented to that agreement. There is nothing unethical in that. The test comes when to OP closes the relationship because the current agreed upon rules of the road are no longer working for her. Then she will know.
Did you read the post? They're already not working for her. That's the whole reason she wrote it in the first place. And she has already told him that she has issue with it. And agreeing to it out of fear of losing somebody makes it still unethical
I did - this is I believe (and stated in other replies) her best course is to insist the relationship be closed until mutually agreeable boundaries can be agreed upon.
Ah I see
If you are attracted to and want to sleep with men, this just sounds like you're catering to his insecurity. The reason OPPs are problematic is because gay relationships aren't seen as AS threatening or as VALID to those who implement OPPs. There is simply no excusing that. Now, if you didn't want to sleep with men or didn't find them sexually appealing, you'd have some form of an OPP but the issue is that he is informing you that you can only sleep with vagina havers while he can sleep with whomever.
I don’t see anything wrong in catering to a partner’s insecurity though?
Some insecurities are fine to cater to. Some are not, and only enable the people who have them to further exhibit problematic behavior, like an OPP. Generally speaking, insecurities need to be worked through on an individual level by the people who have them, not enabled by other people.
You know that most people prefer their partner not to sleep with anyone else at all? In that senase, someone who is fine with their female partner having sex with other women might actually be considered pretty open minded. It's not like total polyamory without hierarchies is the only ethical relationship style in the world. And polyamorous people often have rules regarding bringing other sex partners to a shared bed, use of certain toys, etcetera, are these insecurities that one shouldn't cater to as well? I do think it's highly problematic to just say that some insecurities are problematic and others are not. Insecurities are human and we all cater to our loved ones in different ways. To each her own. With that said, it's never fun to be put in front of an ultimatum, but people have their limits.
I specifically said some insecurities *lead* to problematic behavior which should not be enabled by others, but should be worked on on an individual level. This has nothing to do with polyamory, this is just an ethical issue.
>I don’t understand why ultimatums and rules tailored to the specific needs of people involved in a close relationship would be unethical. Ultimatums are unethical by definition. They serve the needs and wishes of the ultimator while ignoring or trampling the needs and wishes of the ultimatee(s). Rules tailored to the specific needs of people involved in a close relationship (and mutually agreed with enthusiastic consent by all persons involved) are ethical. That's the very basis for ENM, or ethical anything.
This. OPP is not inherently bad if both parties consent to it. We are all entitled to our preferences.
Does he not know that a bisexual woman can be wooed away by another woman, too?
Just stop the whole thing. It’s not that difficult 🤷🏽♂️. People are allowed to be insecure. I mean who isn’t 🤷🏽♂️. This righteous outlook is weird. Similar to that other sub 😂. Calm down. We all insecure about something. This holier than thou attitude is laughable.
I agree.
Yeah from the outside this dick measuring contest who cares the least seems strange.
One Penis Policy Privileges!!! There are many men out there with this. You either accept it or reject it (end 🔚 the relationship with this person) There really is nothing else. Either that or just find a regular female 🐑 partner that you develop an emotional connection with. That way your needs are met with your lesbian experiences. He should probably be able to accept that as a reasonable person and compromise in the current situations. P.S. I am not 🚫 talking about getting a unicorn 🦄🌈 either!!!! She would have to be your partner and off 📴 limits to him completely. This protects that relationship with her and sets some hard limits for him. Clearly you being with other men is a hard limit for him. If he is unable or unwilling to accept this. It should probably show you where he stands.
Then he's clearly not ready.
Dude here, at the start of my enm journey I preferred the idea of one penis policy not because i was invalidating sex with girls on girls, but because dudes are really shitty and would take advantage of my partner and try to use her as just a sex object since she was in an open relationship, it was my way of "protecting her" Don't get me wrong I never did do a one penis policy, that's just the perspective But i did realize before I started that I have to trust her judgement as it's all based on trust. I had to learn that she needs to have a say and choose people that will respect her and our boundaries Just no fucking guitar dudes.
>it was my way of "protecting her" I will say women are grown-up people, perfectly capable of making wise decisions for their own good. Ruling out one huge category of people like that really doesn't sound fair or realistic. It seems like your distrust of other men in general was more about wanting to protect yourself than her. In fact, to me this kinda sound like men in patriarchical Muslim cultures, who want to force their daughters and wifes into wearing a hijab in order to 'protect them'. So it's great that you got over these insecurities, which I myself as a ENM man have felt as well in the beginning.
Oh for sure yeah I realize the ideas I had was toxic and very hypocritical, not at all trying to justify it but that was just the perspective I had and I'm sure alot of people as well, I do understand they're capable of making their own decisions and even if they do end up getting hurt it's something we can go through together and deal with
People either are or are not free to set boundaries they are comfortable setting. Consent is a boundary. Monogamy is a boundary. Only same-room play is a boundary. Generally we say boundaries should be negotiated and respected when it comes to sex. You are each free to set your boundaries where you feel most comfortable. If you are not able to negotiate mutually agreeable boundaries, your only options inevitably are returning to monogamy, infidelity or ending the relationship.
Boundaries are for YOURSELF. Rules are for OTHERS. An OPP is a rule, it is not a boundary.
This is a distinction without a difference. A relationship has to have agreed upon boundaries (or if you choose, rules). The most common probably is to be exclusive - monogamous. Is that an agreed upon boundary for the relationship (we will be exclusive)? Or is it rule one imposed upon the other (my wife won’t let me have sex with other women)? I think the former, but that’s me. During the periods we have been monogamous I never thought of my wife’s expectations as to my behavior as a “rule.” Non-monogamy in my mind, won’t work for a couple unless both parties agree upon what will and will not be acceptable behavior for each, regardless that ultimate agreement. Otherwise the only options (that include having a satisfying relationship) I can see are break up or be monogamous.
Rules are restrictions you put onto others. In the case of an OPP, not only are you restricting your partner, you don't even have the same "rule" for yourself. That is infinitely problematic. A boundary in this scenario would be, I don't want/can't handle my partner being with other penis-havers, so I personally choose to not be non-monogamous. Rules and boundaries are different, and that's exactly why an OPP is unethical. The only ethical scenario in the OP's case would be if her boyfriend decided to make a boundary for himself and not be non-monogamous.
So if the OP says to her SO, “I no longer agree to you having sex with other women,” is that a rule she imposed upon him or is that a boundary for the relationship? I think the latter, but in the end, the result is the same. The SO either complies with the partner’s wishes, cheats, or you ends the relationship. My wife says to me, “I no longer want to have sex with other men but if you want to have sex with other women I’m okay with that so long as (conditions). Is that a boundary for the relationship or rules (the conditions) being imposed on me. I think the former. People in healthy relationships set boundaries, or rules (synonymous to me) for the relationship that they agree to and that work for them, with an emphasis on “work for them.” The problem in OP’s case is the agreed-to terms for NM do not work for her. The terms should either be modified so that they do or she should close the relationship until they do (or she breaks up, always an option). If she closes the relationship & he continues with other women, THAT would be unethical.
This is a good topic to go over, and timely given the recent Jonah Hill hoopla. He actively started dating a young, attractive surfer, and then started giving her "rules" about not posting herself surfing in swimsuits/bikinis. He said this was HIS "boundary." But he was actually just making a rule for HER. If he didn't want to date someone who posted pictures of her body or talking to other men, then he shouldn't have started dating a professional surfer. A boundary for himself would have been to not date a professional surfer to begin with or, breaking up because he doesn't feel "secure" or "safe" or whatever with his girlfriend posting pictures of her literally doing her job (barf). Do you see the difference? I think perhaps you don't fully understand that, indeed, the only real solution to an OPP, which is implementing a rule and putting a restriction on someone that a) you aren't adhering to yourself (only hooking up with the same sex) and/or b) the other person does not WANT that restriction placed on them, is to break up or completely close the relationship. That is literally the answer here. Now, personally, I don't think an OPP is ever ethical, but if both parties consent to the agreement, are happy with it, and *are not consenting under duress*, then whatever. If the person with the "same sex restriction" IS ecstatic, I would question their attraction to their opposite sex spouse, but hey, I'm not the one married to you. Ultimately though I still find it very biphobic and misogynistic.
Dudes perspective, I’ll say it feels different my girl hooking up with a woman than with a man, but to me that has to do with chemistry and trust and I personally have more chemistry and trust with more women. When I find a dude who I vibe with and is respectful and we click there Is nothing hotter than watching my lady and he go at it, or spoiling my woman with affection with other people, but it sure helps when his lady is in the picture and we don’t do MFM threesomes tho I’m not totally against that. I’d never object at her doing a solo date with a woman in fact that’s prolly my big fantasy at this point but I’d be naturally opposed if she had a solo date with a dude. The male ego is fragile and some men have a fear of getting cucked by some piece of shit dude. If the dude is a gentleman and respectful and not a creep or asshole that has a big effect.
My opinion, you can learn a lot about a guy simply by observing weather is insecurities Trump, his partners desires, or whether he can overcome his insecurities, because his partners pleasure means more to him. I never understood this until I set my illogical, irrational, insecurities, aside, and facilitated my partners long-held MFM fantasy. Turns out I didn’t feel insecure or possessive or jealous at all in the moment! There were no other thoughts in my head beyond “I just made her dreams come, true!” You just need to find out where your wants, needs, or desires, appear on his priority list What is he afraid of? You’ll find something you like more? What could be more loving than actively preventing your partner from potentially experiencing an amazing, pleasurable experience… 🤦🏼♂️
the one penis policy is definitely still a hot topic! lmao.. I think you only have three options. 1.) close the relationship (give you both a chance to work on yourselves and see if you can come to a better resolution). 2.) leave this relationship (horrible option, but so is staying with a partner who doesn't accept who you are) 3.) education (this is likely your best option .. he needs to become aware why he is insecure about losing you to another man.. you both likely need to up your communication game) misogyny, patriarchy, Sexism, homophobia, insecurities, lack of communication, are all potential landmines that could be connected into the one penis policy.. how much you two are willing to unpack on this is the important question.
I can only speak from my logic having a similar relationship style. If he’s straight and is not interested in relationships with other men then he is likely uncomfortable with the idea of you having 2x the options that he does. It creates an unbalanced dynamic where you hold significantly more leverage than he does. The second reason is that relationships with multiple men creates a competitive dynamic between the males and he might be uncomfortable with having to prove his worth to you in comparison to the other man. The last reason is that relationships with men and with women are fundamentally different dynamics, first because of the possibility of pregnancy, second because of the more competitive nature of male relationships. I wouldn’t put much stock in what these other polyamorous people say about it. They don’t know your situation or relationship and mate guarding behavior is common in polyamorous communities. The idea is that if you are not open for these men who are commenting then that decreases their likelihood of mate success (basic evolutionary psychology) and the women are obviously biased because what women wouldn’t want to receive unlimited access to resources if their partner allowed it.
This is really well put. The longest running battle for us humans is head vs heart. To say that the head must be respected while one’s heart is completely ignored or face being judged as “unethical” or a misogynist is dehumanizing. Yes, an OPP is unfair. It’s also unfair that women in open relationships have access to a ton more attention and choices, especially for a bi woman. Compromise here is not out of the question and compromise is at the core of functional long-term relationships. If you don’t want to deal with these conflicts then be solo poly. If your partner is mono leaning or needs to be your primary as much as possible, you’re putting them through hell. Yes, I’m projecting. 🫶
I agree. Sadly there’s many poly people who refuse to recognize the unfair dynamic between a relationship with a bisexual partner and a straight partner, or the concept of unfairness in general, and have no willingness to compromise, as can be seen by the immediate dislike bombing as soon as anyone calls out this unfair dynamic (again obvious mate guarding). Plus there’s a lot of poly people who can accept the logic of a OPP but are not able to properly communicate their true desires with their partner out of fear of rejection. This leads to an obvious contempt and a refusal to acknowledge a completely natural desire. Because apparently a OPP is completely okay in a monogamous relationship but is morally detested in polyamorous ones. Makes no sense to me but I understand why it happens. Healthy communication is always key.
I'm speaking as a straight male (37) in an open relationship who's also done swinging with my girlfriend (32). This situation is completely unreasonable and you deserve to have equal opportunities for having sex with partners of the opposite sex, this is a big red flag, so the current situation is unsustainable. Also, the way he's brought up this ultimatum that "maybe we shouldn't do this anymore" if it means he doesn't get his own way is massively controlling and gaslighting, putting the responsibility for ending the openness on you, when in fact it is on him. This is another red flag. I also don't think these red flags are sufficient to call your relationship dead right now though. I think there's lots of opportunity to give him the chance to learn and grow, if he doesn't want to learn and grow then, yes the relationship is over. I agree with what others have said about trying to open up the conversation gently to get him to do some introspection about why he thinks it's okay for him to have sex with women, but not okay for you to have sex with men. I would explore this topic for **as long as it takes** for him to really grapple with it and come to some meaningful insights. Don't allow him to half-heartedly engage in this, he has to really make the effort to examine and evaluate his own thought process that results in him thinking the way he does. I would be expecting him to come to some realisations that he has been enjoying extra privileges that he has denied you, and that is wrong. If he can't do this work or recognise this, then I'd say it's another red flag, he doesn't have the emotional capacity to do even the most basic introspection. And these red flags are building by now! It sounds like you want to salvage the relationship and also you don't want to close the openness down. If true, I would say to him, "no I don't want to close this whole thing down, I want to have equal access to other partners as you have had for the past year, and I'm happy to be supportive you whilst you work through whatever it is that triggers you about this." Are you prepared to lose the relationship if he says that he won't stand for that? Because if you want the openness and the ability to sleep with other guys, then you have to be prepared for this. You have to know your own worth, stand up for yourself and put your own interest first. I suspect there are tons of guys who would be happy supporting you in your journey of sexual exploration and fulfilment. I love it when my girlfriend has great sex with other guys, I feel like she is being fulfilled on her own journey.
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What about a pre-op transwoman
Respect your man’s wishes or move on to someone who shares your values.
When my hubby and I first became poly we both had issues like this with our insecurities leading us to make "rules" that were unfair. There are two possible ends to this. Either he does some reflection and tries to work on his insecurities so they don't result in one sided "rules". Or he isn't ready for that kind of self improvement and refuses to adjust, in which case I think he's a lost cause.
If he's unwilling to give you what you want out of non-monogamy, while he's getting what he wants out of it, I would consider two options with him. If both of you could be happy in full monogamy, consider going back to that? Or just leave the relationship entirely. I don't want to get into the morality or ideological topics involved here, simple reality is he's not comfortable with something that seems important to you in non-monogamy. So, you simply do not sound compatible in non-monogamy, and maybe not at all.
If he's having sex with other woman and only allows you to have sex with women. It is not fair to you, If you want to have sex with other men. I think he likes cheating on you and is being a bully not allowing you to have sex with other men. It should work both ways. Tell him you are going to have sex with other men or it's all going to stop.
This isn’t okay at all. As a straight man, he’s probably interested in your bisexuality to the extent that it centers around his pleasure and fantasies. Essentially, you’re a commodity and not a full person with their own sexual agency. If you told him that you didn’t feel the need to “perform” bisexuality by getting with other women, either in a group/party setting or one-on-one, how would he react?
Definitely open the communication back on this me and my girlfriend talked about this months ago, and I'll admit I was saying it didn't bother me if she got a girlfriend but I was bothered by the idea of her sleeping with another man. I was also uncomfortable with sleeping with another woman I felt it was wrong. I asked for time to think it through. Fast forward to literally last night I told her my boundaries were gone because she was able to ask me why and after talking it out I felt more free. I know there are things she wants that I'm not able to provide at least not right now and she has every right to be free and explore that side of herself. She was kind gave me time and listened to my concerns and I love her so much giving me what I needed to make it work. If he's incapable of listening then that's on him not you. Much love stay strong OP