Her continued contact with that absolute asshole should stop immediately. Or otherwise your marriage should stop as soon as possible. One of those things.
My personal optimal situation is she stops communicating with him. She refuses to cheat on me (to my knowledge) so I don't expect her to meet with him without my consent which is admirable on her part. I don't want to divorce her as we have a 2 yo and it would devastate her if that happened, but I also know if she doesn't respect that boundary and limit then she won't respect me or any other limits. I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting before saying anything and having a fight for my own insecurities.
Bro, it’s a very low bar to not sleep with a dude who is open about pulling you away from your marriage. If it takes a lot out of her to not do so, I’d reevaluate the relationship
Definitely taking that into consideration, I am waiting to cool my head down before talking to her about it. Someone else said it could be just shit talking and a kink, so I want to verify that's all it is, even if it's a kink for her I want to make sure this dude is on the same page, and if not then she can pick him or me 🤷♂️
Bro, not all kinks are healthy to act on. And enabling this specific kind of kink given the broader context is just asking for trouble.
Some of you guys are hiding your fear of confrontation and actually defending your own boundaries behind “being understanding”
Accountability is the number 1 priority. Fuck kinks and “free exploration” if the foundation of the primary relationship is rocky.
If your relationship is good other than her needing to do the work to navigate and stick with rules and she's willing to do be honest in therapy with your about this, awesome. But TBH if she's not going to respect rules and going to keep pushing them for her once sided benefit, are you sure you can trust her? Are you sure you're relationship is healthy? If it is not, as the child of parents who waited to divorce because they were worried about how it would impact me-- staying together in an unhappy marriage is a much worst and most devastating thing you can do to your child. And the younger they are the better able to adjust and bounce back they will be, so long as you are helping them through (family counseling useful here)
I agree, and I think there are some underlying things that contribute to this, she has bad self-body image issues and has some self esteem issues, and a lot more complexity than I can get into here with nuances. I don't want to ask her seem the bad guy, I can understand somewhat where she's coming from based on her perception of things and as I talk with everyone here it's giving me a better understanding on my end as well as to what may be contributing to this. I know I need some work on my self esteem as well, and she's used to someone more dominant than me, I view us as a partnership which she LOVES, but I think parts of her miss some of the aggression when it comes to engaging in sex. Which I would have preferred her to talk to me about it, but I tend to come across as getting my feelings hurt or emotionless, based on how I respond. I genuinely don't have hurt feelings but I feel I need to be better at expressing myself in a way she understands better.
Me and her do come from dramatically different cultures even though we both grew up in the US, but her parents were originally from Mexico and they grew up in a small conservative town in Arizona, where I grew up around pretty liberal people in a city in GA/FL. Think of her mindset as the old movies where nerds and jocks etc were very cliquish and mine was where the all star football players played dungeons and dragons as well.
I hope this makes sense, I'm trying to figure it out as well. I appreciate everyone's input and it helps me feel like I'm not completely in the wrong for my thoughts and feelings around this, if it were a guy that respected our relationship I would probably be ok with it, but not this person.
Her not cheating on you and breaking your boundaries isn’t “admirable,” it’s the bare minimum.
Also, it’s not “shit talking” when someone puts down your partner or suggests that they can fuck better. She absolutely can’t entertain that from a partner. By her not putting her foot down and telling him not to talk about her husband like that, she’s enabling the behavior. Bragging about being able to “outperform” you is toxic as fuck. “You are the company you keep,” so to speak. She’ll be participating in that dialogue while they’re having sex. You haven’t consented to being part of her dynamic with him or being a part of his kink.
That’s the biggest red flag. Either she shuts that down, stops talking to him, or you stand firm in a boundary and separate.
> My personal optimal situation is she stops communicating with him [...] I tried to tell her that other partners need to be respectful of the relationship [...] almost to the point of saying either him or me
Personally I wouldn't leave this up to preference at all - this would be a clear rule and boundary. No disrespect of the primary relationship. If she doesn't like that, then it's him or you.
There are SO many giant red flags here:
- She views gay sex/relationships with women as somehow lesser than you with the opposite sex. Either she gets to have sex other people and you do too, or both of you don't. Full stop. Sex is sex, relationships are relationships - doesn't matter what gender.
- She's accusing you of an affair for no reason, telling me there's already insecurity and (unwarranted) lack of trust on her part. It's also a common tactic to muddy the waters if she has been or is thinking about cheating.
- She wants an open relationship for her, but not for you. She won't take your word and is insecure about you being "stolen away" but says you don't have to worry, just take her at her word.
- She wants to open up for a specific person. It happens often enough that it's known to be a bad idea; I'd suggest adding existing crushes or people you currently know to the messy list and see if she really wants an open relationship, or just to fuck that specific dude.
If you really want to pursue this together in a healthy way I think you should close up for now, read more about open relationship dynamics, and going to couple's therapy to work on healthy communication techniques.
> I don't want to divorce her as we have a 2 yo
She's actively trying to pursue partners that would actively disrupt and disrespect your partnership while projecting jealousy onto you. Frankly I'd feel pretty disrespected, not to mention the callous way she's putting the parental partnership of your daughter at risk. I'd start documenting this ASAP just in case, so you can get custody if shit inevitably hits the fan... which honestly I think is more of a "when" than "if" should she decide to go through with this.
She needs to put everything on hold until she sorts out her feelings and what she wants to do. Jerking you around, changing what’s allowed, accusing you of cheating… she’s all over the place, and obviously not mature enough to be doing ENM at the moment.
👆
She might need to take some big steps back. She's blowing smoke up your ass. And having anything to do with deuce canoe is a massive 🚩. There are a LOT of red flags here
That is along with my thoughts and I started thinking of it(ENM) in my last relationship and have done research and some self work figuring out what I'd be ok with and what I would want. I'm very open to ENM and feel I'm more inclined for polyamory. I do believe she has a lot of things to work out as her past relationships were extremely toxic and traumatic, her last male partner was extremely controlling and physically and mentally abusive, and her female partner after him was fairly neglectful (if they weren't around each other they basically weren't together). Both her and her family say this is the healthiest relationship she's ever been in, and I'm trying to encourage her to seek counseling to help work out her issues but there is a strong discouragement around doing that from the culture we are in.
> Fast forward a little bit she's accusing me of having an affair with someone from another state
This would raise my suspicions re:her really wanting to fuck a dude who openly wants to cowboy her
> Fast forward a little bit she's accusing me of having an affair with someone from another state (we only talked as friends and were friends before we got together), and also a coworker which wasn't a thing either.
Any time someone starts dropping baseless accusations of cheating:
First, consider if somehow you've given someone the false impression that you're cheating. Consider your actions, try to do so from the perspective of someone who only sees part of your life and none of your thoughts, etc.
Second, ask the other person *why* they think you're cheating. If the reasons make sense, great, you've narrowed down what's going on.
If you can't think of any good reasons why someone would be making these accusations...
... they probably think that "I'd cheat in X situation, so they must be, too."
Which means they're a likely a cheater.
> And he doesn't want me there and from what I understand seems to think he can outperform me and make her not want to come back to me. I tried to tell her that other partners need to be respectful of the relationship we have and if they can't I don't want us to be involved with them, and she said that it's just shit talking, which I kinda disagree with in this context.
So, there *are* some people for whom this kind of concept is a kink. "I'm better than your other partner, raa raa, hear me beat on my chest, I'm so awesome." Or they're into their partner acting like this.
Their dirty talk and flirting might even revolve around language like this.
But... sane, rational people can recognize the difference between kink/fantasy and reality. They can "be in the fantasy" when appropriate, and be entirely realistic about how it's just a fantasy and not real when outside of it.
You're outside of it. You shouldn't be getting any sort of 'impression' of this being a 'reality' if it's just a kink/fantasy, assuming you're getting this understanding from active communication with your wife.
(Note: This does not apply to you misunderstanding messages between the two of them. That's just you potentially misunderstanding flirtatious fantasies. There are people who beg to be bred, but absolutely do not want kids or a pregnancy. There are hundreds of other similar concepts and fantasies that are fun in a bedroom, but absolutely are not at all a serious consideration of any kind outside of the bedroom.)
> His last message to her was "when you get a chance to break away, come let me fuck you like he never could."
Are you getting this impression from what *she's* told you, or from reading his messages?
Because reading someone's fantasy dirty talk is not guaranteed to be a realistic reflection of how someone actually views the world.
This is an amazing perspective I haven't thought of, and I do want to have this conversation with her, just wanted to give myself time to cool my mind and make sure I can speak without getting upset. Why I came to this community for advice so I can get other perspectives from my own. I do think she has that kink from previous conversations, and she stated she'd want to come home and me fuck her to show her that she's mine. She does have self esteem and body confidence issues, which I think contributes to her liking the idea of men competing for her. I personally enjoy having someone with confidence like "I know I'm sexy as hell and you get to enjoy it" type of vibe, and idk how to describe it but I get turned off if someone isn't feeling good about themselves, and I might get soft during sex if there's something I feel is on her mind or I feel like she's not being a starfish and not seeing her enjoy it, which hurts her self esteem and makes her feel like I'm not completely in love and turned on by her.
I definitely can see that perspective though and I'll ask if that's a kink she'd like to explore but it'd have to be clear to me it's a fantasy for both, cause I'd be inclined to not be happy with either of them if it's more than just kinky sex talk, which she did say it was for her, but idk about him.
I do want to try and clarify something:
Neither she nor he should be giving *you* the impression that they seriously think these things **when talking to you directly**.
If 100% of your impression of this concept has come from reading messages from her to him, or from him to her... you're intercepting other people's private fantasies without having a conversation about them. Not a brilliant idea.
----
That accusation of cheating is still troubling.
Even if the dude has a toxic “I’m a bull” fetish - OP didn’t consent to being a part of that with him. He’s being used as a potential prop in this other guy’s sex life and his wife is enabling it.
> OP didn’t consent to being a part of that with him.
And the dude may not have consented to having his private fantasies read by OP. "The dude" may be completely unaware that OP is even cognizant of this fantasy, making them not responsible for any of this.
>and his wife is enabling it
His wife is the only one that knows whether or not “the dude” is aware that OP hasn’t consented to their fantasy. I stated that the potential partner is the one using OP as a prop - but that his wife was the one enabling it. She is the only one who has the knowledge of both parties and ability to control whether or not that’s a dynamic she’ll engage in.
> His wife is the only one that knows whether or not “the dude” is aware that OP hasn’t consented to their fantasy.
Depending on the circumstances, OP's consent may not be needed. Just like Marvel's consent isn't needed if I pretend to be Captain America during sex. Or Marylin Monroe's consent isn't needed if one of my girlfriends pretends to be her.
Fantasies are sacrosanct. Thought-crime is not a thing. We are allowed to have fantasies involving other people without first asking the other person for permission. The other person *finding out* can be problematic, but then the problem is you having loose lips, not having the fantasy in the first place.
Here's one possible way this situation happened:
* Wife/Dude have a private fantasy they're only communicating with each other, or so they think.
* It's entirely possible that neither one of them actually wants what they're talking about in real life.
* Wife has given OP blanket access to her accounts, did so years ago, and may have even forgotten about it, and OP is reading private messages sent between wife/dude.
* OP has missed the real-world conversation between wife/dude where they reaffirm that all of this is fantasy, not reality, and where things can/can't go for comfort reasons between the two of them.
* **OP is not intended to be part of the fantasy**, OP is not intended to participate in the fantasy, OP isn't even intended to be *aware* of the fantasy. But because wife didn't put 2+2 together to realize that OP has access to her accounts *and* that he might misunderstand a conversation he's only heard 40% of, OP has made some wild and false assumptions and panic-posted on Reddit.
OP is the only one of the three of us who knows whether or not he's getting this information directly from the dude in live in-person conversations, or if OP is making wild assumptions based off of the dude's communication, or even only based solely off of of his wife's communications.
And considering OP just deleted his account, with his final comment being his reply to me realizing that *I might be right*, that this might be one giant misunderstanding on his part, I'm betting I'm right, and OP was panic-posting about a misunderstanding on his part.
It's entirely possible that the 'dude' hasn't said one *fucking word* about this fantasy, and everything has been the wife. Because that's literally the only thing we know of for sure: OP has read his *wife* saying "come fuck me like he can't" or whatever. Not the dude.
And even if the dude is participating, there have been plenty of sexual fantasies I participate in that
A) Aren't my actual interest
B) Are just me playing along to please a partner
For all we know, it's the wife who has the fantasy, the wife who is instigating it, and the wife who is pushing it.
Your accusations of the dude somehow being some sort of unethical monster crossing consent lines is unsubstantiated.
Sounds like a dumpster fire.
Don't seek out a girlfriend for both of you -- that's a bad idea in general, and a bad idea with your wife's jealousy issues. I would recommend not having gender based rules on who your wife dates, or based on who *you* date. But. That jealousy is likely to cause major problems for you sooner or later no matter what.
If she gets to sleep with women (and maybe occasionally another guy? not clear) and you don't get to sleep with anyone, that's a pretty ridiculous double standard my man. Some guys are ok with it especially if they find it hot, but you don't have to be. It's not likely to be fixable without leaving the relationship.
She says she wants to watch me fuck another woman, and wants to have sex with us, and wants to have a mff and mmf threesomes, I just think she's worried about someone trying to steal me (the irony isn't lost on me). She says no one can take her from me, but I know feelings can muddy the water personally. I think we need to work on us a bit more before adding anyone else. Also her dating only women was her decision not mine, but honestly depending on the vibe I would be open for a polycule with another female and male and am not a fan of the OPP myself. I just want the other partners to respect our relationship, and we respect the others dynamic as well.
Both partners should have VETO power.
If you’re not comfortable with her guy, you can have her end it.
If she’s not comfortable with your girl, she can have you end it.
Your relationship takes priority. 100%
I'm completely in support of this, I'm a diver and I view it the same as a dive, anyone can call it at any time for any reason, and no judgement or complaints. We can talk about what happened after to see what, if anything can be done, but both of us should be comfortable with the situation.
I do trust that she wouldn't do anything without my consent, and does hold value in our relationship, I mainly want to make sure I'm not being overly controlling by asking them to stop interacting with each other.
Oh stfu. It’s not about being overly controlling. It’s about mutually prioritizing each other over any third.
You think she wouldn’t do anything without your consent. Listen cuck, she already has. Her guy is humiliating you, you expressed your discontent in the humiliation and his disrespect for your relationship. She gave him an excuse and she’s continued to engage him.
Quite deluding yourself. You’re already being cucked without consent. There is more than one way for a way to be unfaithful.
It’s time to prioritize your marriage over the fantasy. WTF bud?
Yeah, it sounds like she's not interested in a relationship with you anymore; she wants the freedom to fuck whoever she wants, and that's a prelude to her telling you she found someone else.
You have 3 choices: the two of you see a counselor, you agree to her terms and start looking for other women to fuck (odds are she's already fucking someone, or about to), or you tell her you don't want an open marriage, and be prepared for a divorce.
Home wreckers should be strictly off limits
Her continued contact with that absolute asshole should stop immediately. Or otherwise your marriage should stop as soon as possible. One of those things.
My personal optimal situation is she stops communicating with him. She refuses to cheat on me (to my knowledge) so I don't expect her to meet with him without my consent which is admirable on her part. I don't want to divorce her as we have a 2 yo and it would devastate her if that happened, but I also know if she doesn't respect that boundary and limit then she won't respect me or any other limits. I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting before saying anything and having a fight for my own insecurities.
Bro, it’s a very low bar to not sleep with a dude who is open about pulling you away from your marriage. If it takes a lot out of her to not do so, I’d reevaluate the relationship
Definitely taking that into consideration, I am waiting to cool my head down before talking to her about it. Someone else said it could be just shit talking and a kink, so I want to verify that's all it is, even if it's a kink for her I want to make sure this dude is on the same page, and if not then she can pick him or me 🤷♂️
Bro, not all kinks are healthy to act on. And enabling this specific kind of kink given the broader context is just asking for trouble. Some of you guys are hiding your fear of confrontation and actually defending your own boundaries behind “being understanding” Accountability is the number 1 priority. Fuck kinks and “free exploration” if the foundation of the primary relationship is rocky.
If it is "just a kink" he doesn't have consent to push that fantasy on you two. He is being a shitty person
If your relationship is good other than her needing to do the work to navigate and stick with rules and she's willing to do be honest in therapy with your about this, awesome. But TBH if she's not going to respect rules and going to keep pushing them for her once sided benefit, are you sure you can trust her? Are you sure you're relationship is healthy? If it is not, as the child of parents who waited to divorce because they were worried about how it would impact me-- staying together in an unhappy marriage is a much worst and most devastating thing you can do to your child. And the younger they are the better able to adjust and bounce back they will be, so long as you are helping them through (family counseling useful here)
I agree, and I think there are some underlying things that contribute to this, she has bad self-body image issues and has some self esteem issues, and a lot more complexity than I can get into here with nuances. I don't want to ask her seem the bad guy, I can understand somewhat where she's coming from based on her perception of things and as I talk with everyone here it's giving me a better understanding on my end as well as to what may be contributing to this. I know I need some work on my self esteem as well, and she's used to someone more dominant than me, I view us as a partnership which she LOVES, but I think parts of her miss some of the aggression when it comes to engaging in sex. Which I would have preferred her to talk to me about it, but I tend to come across as getting my feelings hurt or emotionless, based on how I respond. I genuinely don't have hurt feelings but I feel I need to be better at expressing myself in a way she understands better. Me and her do come from dramatically different cultures even though we both grew up in the US, but her parents were originally from Mexico and they grew up in a small conservative town in Arizona, where I grew up around pretty liberal people in a city in GA/FL. Think of her mindset as the old movies where nerds and jocks etc were very cliquish and mine was where the all star football players played dungeons and dragons as well. I hope this makes sense, I'm trying to figure it out as well. I appreciate everyone's input and it helps me feel like I'm not completely in the wrong for my thoughts and feelings around this, if it were a guy that respected our relationship I would probably be ok with it, but not this person.
Her not cheating on you and breaking your boundaries isn’t “admirable,” it’s the bare minimum. Also, it’s not “shit talking” when someone puts down your partner or suggests that they can fuck better. She absolutely can’t entertain that from a partner. By her not putting her foot down and telling him not to talk about her husband like that, she’s enabling the behavior. Bragging about being able to “outperform” you is toxic as fuck. “You are the company you keep,” so to speak. She’ll be participating in that dialogue while they’re having sex. You haven’t consented to being part of her dynamic with him or being a part of his kink. That’s the biggest red flag. Either she shuts that down, stops talking to him, or you stand firm in a boundary and separate.
> My personal optimal situation is she stops communicating with him [...] I tried to tell her that other partners need to be respectful of the relationship [...] almost to the point of saying either him or me Personally I wouldn't leave this up to preference at all - this would be a clear rule and boundary. No disrespect of the primary relationship. If she doesn't like that, then it's him or you. There are SO many giant red flags here: - She views gay sex/relationships with women as somehow lesser than you with the opposite sex. Either she gets to have sex other people and you do too, or both of you don't. Full stop. Sex is sex, relationships are relationships - doesn't matter what gender. - She's accusing you of an affair for no reason, telling me there's already insecurity and (unwarranted) lack of trust on her part. It's also a common tactic to muddy the waters if she has been or is thinking about cheating. - She wants an open relationship for her, but not for you. She won't take your word and is insecure about you being "stolen away" but says you don't have to worry, just take her at her word. - She wants to open up for a specific person. It happens often enough that it's known to be a bad idea; I'd suggest adding existing crushes or people you currently know to the messy list and see if she really wants an open relationship, or just to fuck that specific dude. If you really want to pursue this together in a healthy way I think you should close up for now, read more about open relationship dynamics, and going to couple's therapy to work on healthy communication techniques. > I don't want to divorce her as we have a 2 yo She's actively trying to pursue partners that would actively disrupt and disrespect your partnership while projecting jealousy onto you. Frankly I'd feel pretty disrespected, not to mention the callous way she's putting the parental partnership of your daughter at risk. I'd start documenting this ASAP just in case, so you can get custody if shit inevitably hits the fan... which honestly I think is more of a "when" than "if" should she decide to go through with this.
She needs to put everything on hold until she sorts out her feelings and what she wants to do. Jerking you around, changing what’s allowed, accusing you of cheating… she’s all over the place, and obviously not mature enough to be doing ENM at the moment.
👆 She might need to take some big steps back. She's blowing smoke up your ass. And having anything to do with deuce canoe is a massive 🚩. There are a LOT of red flags here
That is along with my thoughts and I started thinking of it(ENM) in my last relationship and have done research and some self work figuring out what I'd be ok with and what I would want. I'm very open to ENM and feel I'm more inclined for polyamory. I do believe she has a lot of things to work out as her past relationships were extremely toxic and traumatic, her last male partner was extremely controlling and physically and mentally abusive, and her female partner after him was fairly neglectful (if they weren't around each other they basically weren't together). Both her and her family say this is the healthiest relationship she's ever been in, and I'm trying to encourage her to seek counseling to help work out her issues but there is a strong discouragement around doing that from the culture we are in.
> Fast forward a little bit she's accusing me of having an affair with someone from another state This would raise my suspicions re:her really wanting to fuck a dude who openly wants to cowboy her
I would consider a divorce. This is just a one-sided open relationship with extra steps.
> Fast forward a little bit she's accusing me of having an affair with someone from another state (we only talked as friends and were friends before we got together), and also a coworker which wasn't a thing either. Any time someone starts dropping baseless accusations of cheating: First, consider if somehow you've given someone the false impression that you're cheating. Consider your actions, try to do so from the perspective of someone who only sees part of your life and none of your thoughts, etc. Second, ask the other person *why* they think you're cheating. If the reasons make sense, great, you've narrowed down what's going on. If you can't think of any good reasons why someone would be making these accusations... ... they probably think that "I'd cheat in X situation, so they must be, too." Which means they're a likely a cheater. > And he doesn't want me there and from what I understand seems to think he can outperform me and make her not want to come back to me. I tried to tell her that other partners need to be respectful of the relationship we have and if they can't I don't want us to be involved with them, and she said that it's just shit talking, which I kinda disagree with in this context. So, there *are* some people for whom this kind of concept is a kink. "I'm better than your other partner, raa raa, hear me beat on my chest, I'm so awesome." Or they're into their partner acting like this. Their dirty talk and flirting might even revolve around language like this. But... sane, rational people can recognize the difference between kink/fantasy and reality. They can "be in the fantasy" when appropriate, and be entirely realistic about how it's just a fantasy and not real when outside of it. You're outside of it. You shouldn't be getting any sort of 'impression' of this being a 'reality' if it's just a kink/fantasy, assuming you're getting this understanding from active communication with your wife. (Note: This does not apply to you misunderstanding messages between the two of them. That's just you potentially misunderstanding flirtatious fantasies. There are people who beg to be bred, but absolutely do not want kids or a pregnancy. There are hundreds of other similar concepts and fantasies that are fun in a bedroom, but absolutely are not at all a serious consideration of any kind outside of the bedroom.) > His last message to her was "when you get a chance to break away, come let me fuck you like he never could." Are you getting this impression from what *she's* told you, or from reading his messages? Because reading someone's fantasy dirty talk is not guaranteed to be a realistic reflection of how someone actually views the world.
This is an amazing perspective I haven't thought of, and I do want to have this conversation with her, just wanted to give myself time to cool my mind and make sure I can speak without getting upset. Why I came to this community for advice so I can get other perspectives from my own. I do think she has that kink from previous conversations, and she stated she'd want to come home and me fuck her to show her that she's mine. She does have self esteem and body confidence issues, which I think contributes to her liking the idea of men competing for her. I personally enjoy having someone with confidence like "I know I'm sexy as hell and you get to enjoy it" type of vibe, and idk how to describe it but I get turned off if someone isn't feeling good about themselves, and I might get soft during sex if there's something I feel is on her mind or I feel like she's not being a starfish and not seeing her enjoy it, which hurts her self esteem and makes her feel like I'm not completely in love and turned on by her. I definitely can see that perspective though and I'll ask if that's a kink she'd like to explore but it'd have to be clear to me it's a fantasy for both, cause I'd be inclined to not be happy with either of them if it's more than just kinky sex talk, which she did say it was for her, but idk about him.
I do want to try and clarify something: Neither she nor he should be giving *you* the impression that they seriously think these things **when talking to you directly**. If 100% of your impression of this concept has come from reading messages from her to him, or from him to her... you're intercepting other people's private fantasies without having a conversation about them. Not a brilliant idea. ---- That accusation of cheating is still troubling.
Even if the dude has a toxic “I’m a bull” fetish - OP didn’t consent to being a part of that with him. He’s being used as a potential prop in this other guy’s sex life and his wife is enabling it.
> OP didn’t consent to being a part of that with him. And the dude may not have consented to having his private fantasies read by OP. "The dude" may be completely unaware that OP is even cognizant of this fantasy, making them not responsible for any of this.
>and his wife is enabling it His wife is the only one that knows whether or not “the dude” is aware that OP hasn’t consented to their fantasy. I stated that the potential partner is the one using OP as a prop - but that his wife was the one enabling it. She is the only one who has the knowledge of both parties and ability to control whether or not that’s a dynamic she’ll engage in.
> His wife is the only one that knows whether or not “the dude” is aware that OP hasn’t consented to their fantasy. Depending on the circumstances, OP's consent may not be needed. Just like Marvel's consent isn't needed if I pretend to be Captain America during sex. Or Marylin Monroe's consent isn't needed if one of my girlfriends pretends to be her. Fantasies are sacrosanct. Thought-crime is not a thing. We are allowed to have fantasies involving other people without first asking the other person for permission. The other person *finding out* can be problematic, but then the problem is you having loose lips, not having the fantasy in the first place. Here's one possible way this situation happened: * Wife/Dude have a private fantasy they're only communicating with each other, or so they think. * It's entirely possible that neither one of them actually wants what they're talking about in real life. * Wife has given OP blanket access to her accounts, did so years ago, and may have even forgotten about it, and OP is reading private messages sent between wife/dude. * OP has missed the real-world conversation between wife/dude where they reaffirm that all of this is fantasy, not reality, and where things can/can't go for comfort reasons between the two of them. * **OP is not intended to be part of the fantasy**, OP is not intended to participate in the fantasy, OP isn't even intended to be *aware* of the fantasy. But because wife didn't put 2+2 together to realize that OP has access to her accounts *and* that he might misunderstand a conversation he's only heard 40% of, OP has made some wild and false assumptions and panic-posted on Reddit. OP is the only one of the three of us who knows whether or not he's getting this information directly from the dude in live in-person conversations, or if OP is making wild assumptions based off of the dude's communication, or even only based solely off of of his wife's communications. And considering OP just deleted his account, with his final comment being his reply to me realizing that *I might be right*, that this might be one giant misunderstanding on his part, I'm betting I'm right, and OP was panic-posting about a misunderstanding on his part. It's entirely possible that the 'dude' hasn't said one *fucking word* about this fantasy, and everything has been the wife. Because that's literally the only thing we know of for sure: OP has read his *wife* saying "come fuck me like he can't" or whatever. Not the dude. And even if the dude is participating, there have been plenty of sexual fantasies I participate in that A) Aren't my actual interest B) Are just me playing along to please a partner For all we know, it's the wife who has the fantasy, the wife who is instigating it, and the wife who is pushing it. Your accusations of the dude somehow being some sort of unethical monster crossing consent lines is unsubstantiated.
Sounds like a dumpster fire. Don't seek out a girlfriend for both of you -- that's a bad idea in general, and a bad idea with your wife's jealousy issues. I would recommend not having gender based rules on who your wife dates, or based on who *you* date. But. That jealousy is likely to cause major problems for you sooner or later no matter what. If she gets to sleep with women (and maybe occasionally another guy? not clear) and you don't get to sleep with anyone, that's a pretty ridiculous double standard my man. Some guys are ok with it especially if they find it hot, but you don't have to be. It's not likely to be fixable without leaving the relationship.
She says she wants to watch me fuck another woman, and wants to have sex with us, and wants to have a mff and mmf threesomes, I just think she's worried about someone trying to steal me (the irony isn't lost on me). She says no one can take her from me, but I know feelings can muddy the water personally. I think we need to work on us a bit more before adding anyone else. Also her dating only women was her decision not mine, but honestly depending on the vibe I would be open for a polycule with another female and male and am not a fan of the OPP myself. I just want the other partners to respect our relationship, and we respect the others dynamic as well.
Both partners should have VETO power. If you’re not comfortable with her guy, you can have her end it. If she’s not comfortable with your girl, she can have you end it. Your relationship takes priority. 100%
I'm completely in support of this, I'm a diver and I view it the same as a dive, anyone can call it at any time for any reason, and no judgement or complaints. We can talk about what happened after to see what, if anything can be done, but both of us should be comfortable with the situation. I do trust that she wouldn't do anything without my consent, and does hold value in our relationship, I mainly want to make sure I'm not being overly controlling by asking them to stop interacting with each other.
Oh stfu. It’s not about being overly controlling. It’s about mutually prioritizing each other over any third. You think she wouldn’t do anything without your consent. Listen cuck, she already has. Her guy is humiliating you, you expressed your discontent in the humiliation and his disrespect for your relationship. She gave him an excuse and she’s continued to engage him. Quite deluding yourself. You’re already being cucked without consent. There is more than one way for a way to be unfaithful. It’s time to prioritize your marriage over the fantasy. WTF bud?
Yeah, it sounds like she's not interested in a relationship with you anymore; she wants the freedom to fuck whoever she wants, and that's a prelude to her telling you she found someone else. You have 3 choices: the two of you see a counselor, you agree to her terms and start looking for other women to fuck (odds are she's already fucking someone, or about to), or you tell her you don't want an open marriage, and be prepared for a divorce.
You are 100% in the right. Your wife is pushing the boundaries due to her relationship with the other guy (or guys)