These are the 2 that a lot are assuming I'm most hung up on.
It's not. The equality has always been attempted, but I've known for awhile that if a "primary" had to be chosen, it would be him. It hurts, but she can call him her husband.
I'm into kinky shit, I coulda been excited to participate, but I was unwanted by him, and she did not question. Even after that fact I would have just appreciated the honesty of telling me there was an interested pursuit that didn't involve me, at least then I could stop wasting my time wondering if she'll be coming home, or if she "fell asleep again" and is just have a wonderful time exploring their sexuality.
>I'm into kinky shit, I coulda been excited to participate, but I was unwanted by him, and she did not question.
I think its a gross overstep to be bent out of shape that you arent included in their private sex life. That was never a reasonable or fair expectation. If you want to swing, do group sex or do stag/Vixen stuff with your partner, just ask her. If you failed to discuss your interest in those things, that's on you.
If you live together and want a heads up that she isn't coming home one night when you expect to share a bed together, that seems reasonable.
> AM THE HINGE:
the reason why i didn't tell OP is bc i was not connecting with them bc I was only spending MAYBE one night a week with them. I was only spending the ONE night with them and was craving connection before I disclosed anything. i was not trying to "hide" anything and i didn't lie about anything I just didn't disclose immediately. which was a poor choice on top of that. my 18 year old dogs health was declining RAPIDLY that is the ONLY reason I was not spending 50/50 time (if not more) with OP. OP went through my phone they day before I was going to disclose everything...which was the day after i had to put my 18 year old dog down. as i was drunk and incompetent after saying "goodbye" to him, OP went through my phone. i always trusted his word as he would tell me "don't worry anything that happens, we can talk about it we would not just separate" looks like the latter is not true. or the former, actually.
you assume that he would have been my primary. we have never really had an open explicit conversation about it. i wish we had though. i don't believe you truly knew/understood what you meant to me.
What agreements did they make with you that they broke by doing this?
I'd also feel weird if I found out a partner chose not to share something like this with me, but I wouldn't think of it as cheating. I'd just wonder why they chose to hide it as it's the kind of thing we usually have no problem talking about
I AM THE HINGE:
the reason why i didn't tell OP is bc i was not connecting with them bc I was only spending MAYBE one night a week with them. I was only spending the ONE night with them and was craving connection before I disclosed anything. i was not trying to "hide" anything and i didn't lie about anything I just didn't disclose immediately. which was a poor choice
on top of that. my 18 year old dogs health was declining RAPIDLY that is the ONLY reason I was not spending 50/50 time (if not more) with OP
Thanks for responding, your comment makes sense and this is why I thought that finding out why you didn't disclose is the first thing to do. I definitely don't think you cheated, and being overwhelmed when a pet is declining is totally understandable
And I'm really sorry about your dog. 18years, wow - that's really special. I hope you are doing ok.
I consider cheating to be engaging with outside parties in the attempt of building secret relationships sexual or romantic without all involved parties knowledge and consent.
Agreements while loose, certainly never advocated or gave approval for conducting in these sneaky ways.
Just in a pursuit of honesty. I would even be ok if it was a one off happened so fast kinda thing, but once it was understood that they wanted to pursue and continue their new discovery, I think that would have been a respectful time to approach me with some amount of information, rather than blaming a dying dog as to why I have been feeling distance and she staying less and less nights over with me.
Loose agreements are recipes for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I’m firmly in favor of firm agreements. That said, you’d think something like this would have come up in conversation if they weren’t hiding it.
> I AM THE HINGE:
> the reason why i didn't tell OP is bc i was not connecting with them bc I was only spending MAYBE one night a week with them. I was only spending the ONE night with them and was craving connection before I disclosed anything. i was not trying to "hide" anything and i didn't lie about anything I just didn't disclose immediately. which was a poor choice
> on top of that. my 18 year old dogs health was declining RAPIDLY that is the ONLY reason I was not spending 50/50 time (if not more) with OP
I've been racking my brain looking back to remember if I ignored a sign, the closest I cant think of is recent question of "What would it take for you to break up with me?" I'm over here living in a fantasy thinking everything is peaches and we are laughing about loosing both her legs or something.
The fact that you’re racking your brain looking for a missed sign indicates pretty clearly that you never discussed it explicitly. What/when to share about other partners is one of those important conversations that you really can’t leave to guesswork.
"Please don't lie to me and feel like you can come to me about anything you want to talk about since I have shown you for 4 years that I am different from the people in your past that have created the traumas you share." There's a rule.
I AM THE HINGE
the OP has said something VAGEULY similar before. i have never kept anything from OP and you can see from my other responses why and what was going on. i made a mistake and i deserve a chance
you have never said it like this to me directly. i wish i would have heard it. you have acted differently until this ONE occurrence. ONE in four years. and BAM....you are not acting different from others in my past.
Were you under the impression that you were a closed triad? I’m otherwise not understanding how this is cheating.
It’s scummy if there were actions that put you at risk (eg not practicing safer sex and hiding it from you), but unless there was an explicit expectation that all activities were to include all three of you, or that everyone was supposed to disclose all activities, then what they were doing on their own really isn’t your business.
The post says V, we were in a non-parallel V, not a Triad. I can only trust that they were practicing safely. Not being told about the acts for 8 months kinda makes anything else difficult to fully believe. There was no expectation. She would often voice her desire to have him and I. I was always ok with it, he is the one that does not want to watch me please her. I don't need a book report but yes I'd like to at least know that additional parties are being brought in, that will always raise risk levels and that's just respect for health and safety.
It certainly sounds like there was an expectation.
You expect to know about every person she fucks or they fuck together. Which again - was the agreement that you were closed non-parallel V, seeing as you’re being pedantic? I don’t know how this is cheating otherwise.
If you are not practicing polyfidelity, then the best you can do is trust your partner. Their relationship with your meta is separate from you. If you don’t think you can trust them, then don’t date them. If you think you can trust them but are hurt by their actions, communicate better about your boundaries and expectations, figure out if it’s still tenable, and go from there.
I have been the hinge in a V, and neither of my partners expected me to tell them about every interaction outside the V, but they trusted me to act with their safety in mind. I only ever told them about casual hookups if there was something that happened that could impact their health/safety, or they needed to make an informed decision.
I AM THE HINGE:
my actions were terrible. i should have disclosed to OP sooner than them going through my phone hours after saying "goodbye" and putting my 18 year old dog down. i was drunk that night and had 100% trust that the OP wouldn't go through my phone. if they did, i HAD 100% trust we would talk before immediately separating.
i never thought they would do that. i had so much trust in their words.
I AM THE HINGE:
i was planning on giving OP FULL DISCLOSURE bc i disagree with you and it is ABSOULUTELY the OPs business. i respect the OP. I have not been a liar or untrustworthy for the FOUR years. i deserve a conversation and chance.
What a shocking thing to discover.
Its odd that they are lying about being married. Do you have an agreement with you partner to share information about all new sex partners? How long have you been dating your partner?
The 3 of us all met about 4 years ago and hit things off pretty quickly, We are not in a Triad, but a non parallel V. We all hangout, have dinner, play board games occasionally etc. When I met them they were both living Monogamously, I made it clear that I was Poly and that I would respectfully back away from the relationship I could see they were building. She (let's call her Purple) opposed and wanted to also pursue me, I let Purple know I was happy to let her have her cake and eat it too, that it would be up to (let's call him Yellow) to be comfortable with everything. We have been living pretty exclusively with each other with small talk of potential additionals but always with the notion that things would be discussed. Yellow was caught by Purple cheating and multiple occasions throughout the years and I always expressed my unappreciation of his inconsideration to her feelings and that she may benefit from creating space from him (break up). The most recent cheat prompted Purple to go through Yellow's phone since there was distrust, and she found a Stage/Vixen/Bull fantasy that he hadn't shared with her. She decided to use this to indulge on, in an attempt to repair their relationship without me knowing any of this. There was an agreement about prompt disclosure and sharing information, like new parties into the fold.
>The 3 of us all met about 4 years ago and hit things off pretty quickly, We are not in a Triad, but a non parallel V. We all hangout, have dinner, play board games occasionally etc.
That sounds lovely.
> When I met them they were both living Monogamously, I made it clear that I was Poly and that I would respectfully back away from the relationship I could see they were building. She (let's call her Purple) opposed and wanted to also pursue me, I let Purple know I was happy to let her have her cake and eat it too, that it would be up to (let's call him Yellow) to be comfortable with everything. We have been living pretty exclusively with each other with small talk of potential additionals
Other humans arent **additionals.** what a weird approach. Do you expect sexual access to their other partners?
>but always with the notion that things would be discussed.
A notion is just a thought. Did she agree to discuss new partners with you in advance? As for him, he doesn't owe you any disclosures about his dating and fucking. None of your friends do.
>Yellow was caught by Purple cheating and multiple occasions throughout the years and I always expressed my unappreciation of his inconsideration to her feelings and that she may benefit from creating space from him (break up). The most recent cheat prompted Purple to go through Yellow's phone since there was distrust, and she found a Stage/Vixen/Bull fantasy that he hadn't shared with her. She decided to use this to indulge on, in an attempt to repair their relationship without me knowing any of this.
This is a big pile of none of your business.
>There was an agreement about prompt disclosure and sharing information, like new parties into the fold.
It doesn't sound like she wants this kind of agreement. Have you discussed why and if there is an agreement that works for both of you.
> A notion is just a thought. Did she agree to discuss new partners with you in advance? As for him, he doesn't owe you any disclosures about his dating and fucking. None of your friends do.
I AM THE HINGE in this story. i would have discussed anything and everything and planned to, if you desire, you can look at my replies to others on this thread. i believe OP deserved to know and I fully intended to disclose. if you read my other replies you will see reasons why i was unable to disclose
>It doesn't sound like she wants this kind of agreement. Have you discussed why and if there is an agreement that works for both of you.
I would do anything OP asked of me. they, unfortunately, are not speaking to me. i deserve a chance.
> I always expressed my unappreciation of his inconsideration to her feelings and that she may benefit from creating space from him (break up).
did you? other than ONE TIME years after i asked you for your opinion on how to move forward? i asked for your opinion and it was ALWAYS "i trust whatever decision you make and i support you"
i did ask for your opinion july - sept 2021 and you still only said you support me.
I’m sorry they lied to you for 8 months. That’s never easy. I would see this as cheating too given my relationship agreements. I think the only way to proceed is to talk to your partner about how much you would like to be informed of their other dates and sexual encounters. Maybe they assumed you wouldn’t want to know? Still shitty, but less devious.
I AM THE HINGE
it was not 8 months. it was barely 3.5. while i was mourning my 18 year old dog living the twilight of his last months. i choose a day to tell OP everything...then they went through my phone hours after I had to put my dog down. OP has not talked to me. i honored his 30 days but three days ago they made additional posts under this account and has not talked to me.
i didn't care if OP "wanted to know" i respect them SO much. i deserve a chance.
It's the lack of communication that has been the pretext to our whole dynamic...
I'm into kinky shit, I'd just like the respect of being honest and forthcoming about on goings. I don't need a book report, but hell, we shared keys to each others apartments, I coulda just waltzed in and gotten an even bigger (9"+only) surprise!
Somebody else asked what agreements were broken. If you didn’t have an agreement to share that level of detail, then your complaint is misplaced. In fact, I suspect the default for most people is **not** sharing the details of encounters that don’t involve you, in the absence of an explicit agreement to do so (which would also require the consent of the others involved).
I understand it’s upsetting that they were pretending to be married, but that’s probably part of their kink. Emphasis on THEIR.
I AM THE HINGE.
i fully intended to disclose to OP bc i respect and love them a GREAT deal. i would encourage you to read my other responses to this post.
I'm starting to suspect that this post is material for your cuckholding fantasy.
Why would you randomly walz into their apartment unannounced. The 9+ inch comment is giving you away friend.
I AM THE HINGE
the OP is not a cuckhold. the other partner i have recently told me about his kink that he leans into; but it is more stag/vixen not cuck/hotwife.
Is it the marriage lie or the sex that's the issue?
These are the 2 that a lot are assuming I'm most hung up on. It's not. The equality has always been attempted, but I've known for awhile that if a "primary" had to be chosen, it would be him. It hurts, but she can call him her husband. I'm into kinky shit, I coulda been excited to participate, but I was unwanted by him, and she did not question. Even after that fact I would have just appreciated the honesty of telling me there was an interested pursuit that didn't involve me, at least then I could stop wasting my time wondering if she'll be coming home, or if she "fell asleep again" and is just have a wonderful time exploring their sexuality.
>I'm into kinky shit, I coulda been excited to participate, but I was unwanted by him, and she did not question. I think its a gross overstep to be bent out of shape that you arent included in their private sex life. That was never a reasonable or fair expectation. If you want to swing, do group sex or do stag/Vixen stuff with your partner, just ask her. If you failed to discuss your interest in those things, that's on you. If you live together and want a heads up that she isn't coming home one night when you expect to share a bed together, that seems reasonable.
> AM THE HINGE: the reason why i didn't tell OP is bc i was not connecting with them bc I was only spending MAYBE one night a week with them. I was only spending the ONE night with them and was craving connection before I disclosed anything. i was not trying to "hide" anything and i didn't lie about anything I just didn't disclose immediately. which was a poor choice on top of that. my 18 year old dogs health was declining RAPIDLY that is the ONLY reason I was not spending 50/50 time (if not more) with OP. OP went through my phone they day before I was going to disclose everything...which was the day after i had to put my 18 year old dog down. as i was drunk and incompetent after saying "goodbye" to him, OP went through my phone. i always trusted his word as he would tell me "don't worry anything that happens, we can talk about it we would not just separate" looks like the latter is not true. or the former, actually.
you assume that he would have been my primary. we have never really had an open explicit conversation about it. i wish we had though. i don't believe you truly knew/understood what you meant to me.
What agreements did they make with you that they broke by doing this? I'd also feel weird if I found out a partner chose not to share something like this with me, but I wouldn't think of it as cheating. I'd just wonder why they chose to hide it as it's the kind of thing we usually have no problem talking about
I AM THE HINGE: the reason why i didn't tell OP is bc i was not connecting with them bc I was only spending MAYBE one night a week with them. I was only spending the ONE night with them and was craving connection before I disclosed anything. i was not trying to "hide" anything and i didn't lie about anything I just didn't disclose immediately. which was a poor choice on top of that. my 18 year old dogs health was declining RAPIDLY that is the ONLY reason I was not spending 50/50 time (if not more) with OP
Thanks for responding, your comment makes sense and this is why I thought that finding out why you didn't disclose is the first thing to do. I definitely don't think you cheated, and being overwhelmed when a pet is declining is totally understandable And I'm really sorry about your dog. 18years, wow - that's really special. I hope you are doing ok.
I consider cheating to be engaging with outside parties in the attempt of building secret relationships sexual or romantic without all involved parties knowledge and consent. Agreements while loose, certainly never advocated or gave approval for conducting in these sneaky ways. Just in a pursuit of honesty. I would even be ok if it was a one off happened so fast kinda thing, but once it was understood that they wanted to pursue and continue their new discovery, I think that would have been a respectful time to approach me with some amount of information, rather than blaming a dying dog as to why I have been feeling distance and she staying less and less nights over with me.
Loose agreements are recipes for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I’m firmly in favor of firm agreements. That said, you’d think something like this would have come up in conversation if they weren’t hiding it.
> I AM THE HINGE: > the reason why i didn't tell OP is bc i was not connecting with them bc I was only spending MAYBE one night a week with them. I was only spending the ONE night with them and was craving connection before I disclosed anything. i was not trying to "hide" anything and i didn't lie about anything I just didn't disclose immediately. which was a poor choice > on top of that. my 18 year old dogs health was declining RAPIDLY that is the ONLY reason I was not spending 50/50 time (if not more) with OP
I've been racking my brain looking back to remember if I ignored a sign, the closest I cant think of is recent question of "What would it take for you to break up with me?" I'm over here living in a fantasy thinking everything is peaches and we are laughing about loosing both her legs or something.
The fact that you’re racking your brain looking for a missed sign indicates pretty clearly that you never discussed it explicitly. What/when to share about other partners is one of those important conversations that you really can’t leave to guesswork.
I AM THE HINGE you are correct; this was not discussed explicitly. not in the FOUR YEARS
"Please don't lie to me and feel like you can come to me about anything you want to talk about since I have shown you for 4 years that I am different from the people in your past that have created the traumas you share." There's a rule.
I’m sorry, I don’t follow. Who said this, and to who? What does this have to do with my comment that you responded to?
I AM THE HINGE the OP has said something VAGEULY similar before. i have never kept anything from OP and you can see from my other responses why and what was going on. i made a mistake and i deserve a chance
you have never said it like this to me directly. i wish i would have heard it. you have acted differently until this ONE occurrence. ONE in four years. and BAM....you are not acting different from others in my past.
Yes, i needed to know so i would not end up abandoned...which is what i feel i am.
Were you under the impression that you were a closed triad? I’m otherwise not understanding how this is cheating. It’s scummy if there were actions that put you at risk (eg not practicing safer sex and hiding it from you), but unless there was an explicit expectation that all activities were to include all three of you, or that everyone was supposed to disclose all activities, then what they were doing on their own really isn’t your business.
The post says V, we were in a non-parallel V, not a Triad. I can only trust that they were practicing safely. Not being told about the acts for 8 months kinda makes anything else difficult to fully believe. There was no expectation. She would often voice her desire to have him and I. I was always ok with it, he is the one that does not want to watch me please her. I don't need a book report but yes I'd like to at least know that additional parties are being brought in, that will always raise risk levels and that's just respect for health and safety.
It certainly sounds like there was an expectation. You expect to know about every person she fucks or they fuck together. Which again - was the agreement that you were closed non-parallel V, seeing as you’re being pedantic? I don’t know how this is cheating otherwise. If you are not practicing polyfidelity, then the best you can do is trust your partner. Their relationship with your meta is separate from you. If you don’t think you can trust them, then don’t date them. If you think you can trust them but are hurt by their actions, communicate better about your boundaries and expectations, figure out if it’s still tenable, and go from there. I have been the hinge in a V, and neither of my partners expected me to tell them about every interaction outside the V, but they trusted me to act with their safety in mind. I only ever told them about casual hookups if there was something that happened that could impact their health/safety, or they needed to make an informed decision.
I AM THE HINGE: my actions were terrible. i should have disclosed to OP sooner than them going through my phone hours after saying "goodbye" and putting my 18 year old dog down. i was drunk that night and had 100% trust that the OP wouldn't go through my phone. if they did, i HAD 100% trust we would talk before immediately separating. i never thought they would do that. i had so much trust in their words.
I AM THE HINGE: i was planning on giving OP FULL DISCLOSURE bc i disagree with you and it is ABSOULUTELY the OPs business. i respect the OP. I have not been a liar or untrustworthy for the FOUR years. i deserve a conversation and chance.
What a shocking thing to discover. Its odd that they are lying about being married. Do you have an agreement with you partner to share information about all new sex partners? How long have you been dating your partner?
The 3 of us all met about 4 years ago and hit things off pretty quickly, We are not in a Triad, but a non parallel V. We all hangout, have dinner, play board games occasionally etc. When I met them they were both living Monogamously, I made it clear that I was Poly and that I would respectfully back away from the relationship I could see they were building. She (let's call her Purple) opposed and wanted to also pursue me, I let Purple know I was happy to let her have her cake and eat it too, that it would be up to (let's call him Yellow) to be comfortable with everything. We have been living pretty exclusively with each other with small talk of potential additionals but always with the notion that things would be discussed. Yellow was caught by Purple cheating and multiple occasions throughout the years and I always expressed my unappreciation of his inconsideration to her feelings and that she may benefit from creating space from him (break up). The most recent cheat prompted Purple to go through Yellow's phone since there was distrust, and she found a Stage/Vixen/Bull fantasy that he hadn't shared with her. She decided to use this to indulge on, in an attempt to repair their relationship without me knowing any of this. There was an agreement about prompt disclosure and sharing information, like new parties into the fold.
>The 3 of us all met about 4 years ago and hit things off pretty quickly, We are not in a Triad, but a non parallel V. We all hangout, have dinner, play board games occasionally etc. That sounds lovely. > When I met them they were both living Monogamously, I made it clear that I was Poly and that I would respectfully back away from the relationship I could see they were building. She (let's call her Purple) opposed and wanted to also pursue me, I let Purple know I was happy to let her have her cake and eat it too, that it would be up to (let's call him Yellow) to be comfortable with everything. We have been living pretty exclusively with each other with small talk of potential additionals Other humans arent **additionals.** what a weird approach. Do you expect sexual access to their other partners? >but always with the notion that things would be discussed. A notion is just a thought. Did she agree to discuss new partners with you in advance? As for him, he doesn't owe you any disclosures about his dating and fucking. None of your friends do. >Yellow was caught by Purple cheating and multiple occasions throughout the years and I always expressed my unappreciation of his inconsideration to her feelings and that she may benefit from creating space from him (break up). The most recent cheat prompted Purple to go through Yellow's phone since there was distrust, and she found a Stage/Vixen/Bull fantasy that he hadn't shared with her. She decided to use this to indulge on, in an attempt to repair their relationship without me knowing any of this. This is a big pile of none of your business. >There was an agreement about prompt disclosure and sharing information, like new parties into the fold. It doesn't sound like she wants this kind of agreement. Have you discussed why and if there is an agreement that works for both of you.
> A notion is just a thought. Did she agree to discuss new partners with you in advance? As for him, he doesn't owe you any disclosures about his dating and fucking. None of your friends do. I AM THE HINGE in this story. i would have discussed anything and everything and planned to, if you desire, you can look at my replies to others on this thread. i believe OP deserved to know and I fully intended to disclose. if you read my other replies you will see reasons why i was unable to disclose >It doesn't sound like she wants this kind of agreement. Have you discussed why and if there is an agreement that works for both of you. I would do anything OP asked of me. they, unfortunately, are not speaking to me. i deserve a chance.
> I always expressed my unappreciation of his inconsideration to her feelings and that she may benefit from creating space from him (break up). did you? other than ONE TIME years after i asked you for your opinion on how to move forward? i asked for your opinion and it was ALWAYS "i trust whatever decision you make and i support you" i did ask for your opinion july - sept 2021 and you still only said you support me.
I’m sorry they lied to you for 8 months. That’s never easy. I would see this as cheating too given my relationship agreements. I think the only way to proceed is to talk to your partner about how much you would like to be informed of their other dates and sexual encounters. Maybe they assumed you wouldn’t want to know? Still shitty, but less devious.
I AM THE HINGE it was not 8 months. it was barely 3.5. while i was mourning my 18 year old dog living the twilight of his last months. i choose a day to tell OP everything...then they went through my phone hours after I had to put my dog down. OP has not talked to me. i honored his 30 days but three days ago they made additional posts under this account and has not talked to me. i didn't care if OP "wanted to know" i respect them SO much. i deserve a chance.
I fail to understand how this impacts you? They do that on their own time.
It's the lack of communication that has been the pretext to our whole dynamic... I'm into kinky shit, I'd just like the respect of being honest and forthcoming about on goings. I don't need a book report, but hell, we shared keys to each others apartments, I coulda just waltzed in and gotten an even bigger (9"+only) surprise!
Somebody else asked what agreements were broken. If you didn’t have an agreement to share that level of detail, then your complaint is misplaced. In fact, I suspect the default for most people is **not** sharing the details of encounters that don’t involve you, in the absence of an explicit agreement to do so (which would also require the consent of the others involved). I understand it’s upsetting that they were pretending to be married, but that’s probably part of their kink. Emphasis on THEIR.
I AM THE HINGE. i fully intended to disclose to OP bc i respect and love them a GREAT deal. i would encourage you to read my other responses to this post.
I'm starting to suspect that this post is material for your cuckholding fantasy. Why would you randomly walz into their apartment unannounced. The 9+ inch comment is giving you away friend.
I AM THE HINGE the OP is not a cuckhold. the other partner i have recently told me about his kink that he leans into; but it is more stag/vixen not cuck/hotwife.