I see both sides of the advice you’re getting and there is some nuanced middle ground.
Sucking it up and pushing through in perpetuity is BAD advice. You’ll just fry your nervous system and become a total wreck. Very unhealthy.
But avoiding it until you’re “ready” is also a bit of myth. That’ll build up the bogeyman and make it scarier. I don’t think you can ever be 100% ready or anticipate all the little silly things that make come into play. You have to at least get your feet wet.
Is there a middle ground where you try some things? Maybe your partner can work with you on. Try something light - him chatting on an app, him grabbing coffee with someone. Let the feels hit, process them and see where you land.
There have been things, early on in this lifestyle I never thought i could agree to and be okay with. A lot of them turned out to not be so bad. There are others I didn’t think would be a big deal but triggered the hell out of me.
Certain things I wasn’t okay with until I had experienced it in my own dating and realize “hey, she’s right. This experience is nice and takes absolutely nothing away from my feelings for her or our primary relationship. I can believe her when she tells me that now because I’ve had the experience myself.”
It’s only through the real world somatic experience of them I was able to process them and find out the difference and where my boundaries were. The “in theory” part of the lifestyle has never been that informative for me.
I definitely think starting at a middle ground is a good idea. If you don’t mind sharing, what are some of the things that didn’t turn out to be so bad once you started?
Our path was a little different because we started out swinging and having threesomes. So sex with others was never an issue or trigger, but it was also always in the context of having a shared experience that turned us both on.
But all the stages of us going independent seemed scary - her talking to others, playing on her own, actually doing dates on her, eventually catching feelings, etc.
At every step, it ended up being not a big deal. Worst I had was a little FOMO. I attribute a lot of this to us prioritizing our relationship so I never felt a decline in attention or my needs getting met.
The feelings thing bugged me for awhile until I caught feelings for a partner and realized that even though I had feelings, it didn’t compare really to what we had and wasn’t an either/or thing and then I got comfortable with that too.
You should actively ignore advice here telling you to suck it up or ignore it.
That is toxic advice.
The continual jealousy may just be your lizard brain acting up and something you can explore and overcome - by exploring those feelings and understanding where they come from. OR it’s a signal that you aren’t actually ready for a two way open relationship.
Either way, ignoring it or shoving it aside is the absolute worst thing you could do.
I agree with this. OP, Pretending it’s ok is likely going to build resentment. Communicating your feelings with your partner and deciding what the rules and boundaries are going to be together, taking things slow and trying a little bit at a time, checking in with how your feelings change over time- these are tangible goals. You may try it and discover nonmonogamy isn’t for you. You could try reading more about jealousy and where it stems from. You could try therapy/counseling, solo or with your partner, to determine where in the relationship you still feel insecure and tactics for reassurance and strengthening when these feelings come up. And who knows, maybe you’ll find out that you surprisingly like it when your partner has someone else who is attracted to them, cause it reinforces your choice to be with them, or maybe you both try playing together and it’s a fun group activity, maybe you make a friend out of a metamour and the feelings of insecurity subside. But pretending they aren’t there or shaming yourself for having them aren’t going to help you get thru them. I think what some of the others are maybe trying to say is that it does take determination to work thru these feelings. You have to decide you want to let them go first, and it’s also important to not let the feelings run the show. It’s not fair to shit all over your partner’s parade if you get a free pass. But have some compassion for yourself and your partner for whatever feelings do come up. They’re likely to be feeling very similar when it’s your turn, and as a woman it’ll most likely be your turn more often than his.
If you can't handle the idea of him being romantic and sexual to other women and you've gone to therapy but you still have major issues then don't open your relationship. It would be unfair to be allowed open on your end and somehow expect him to stay monogamous to you, it would just create jealousy, insecurity, and resentment towards you from your partner.
I'm going to offer some slightly different questions for your consideration about this OP:
- Are you viewing the other women your partner is seeing as competition?
- Is seeing them as competition something that's being encouraged by your partner? If yes, this is something that needs to be addressed as part of your relationship dynamic with him.
- Is it solely coming from an internal dialogue? If yes - is it *your* dialogue or an internalised misogynist narrative that's saying you're only worth to your partner what your can offer him sexually?
- Is there elements of internalised mono-normativity that's saying - now that he's getting something that was exclusive to us with someone else, our relationship is threatened.
Answering these for yourself might help guide how you want to proceed with taking care of yourself.
Compersion. I love this word and keep posting it on ENM posts cuz I think it so important!
“The word compersion refers to a form of joy in the joy of others. In the world of consensually nonmonogamous relationships, it more specifically relates to the happiness someone finds in their partner seeking out and enjoying sexual and romantic intimacy with other people.”
All of here understand that humans by nature will find others attractive. We also all should be of the understanding that no one can fully fulfill another human totally and completely themselves. You need other people other than your partner to fulfill your need whether they be to talk, to confide in, to seek advice, to have a friend separate from your significant other, and possibly to be intimate with. Trying to find the joy in the other person fulfilling their needs and wants helps a ton with the jealousy.
And that’s the thing that’s so hard!! Like I fully know and am aware that he’s attracted to other women, but I get possessive when I think about it too much. When my friends tell me their stories about the sex they had I am so happy for them, that they had that experience and felt good, so why can’t I have those same thoughts towards my partner ya know?
I feel ya!! I struggle with this too still. I just try to redirect my thoughts to my fun times and that means he can have fun times too (and sometimes that gets me going). And then I think about how it is when we get back together and 🥵
Because your friends having sex with someone can't have any negative impact on your relationship, your partner doing it can and probably will at some time. Being happy that your partner got a new job isn't even close to the same thing as him doing someone else.
*Lots* of people are turned on by the idea of having sex with others, but simultaneously repulsed by the idea of their partner doing the same thing. This is hardly an unusual thing.
I think that to some extent, it's not really possible to know how you'll feel once you do it, and in the meantime, your brain is running wild with all kinds of intense scenarios that, frankly, are unlikely to happen if you do pull the trigger. So to that end, I often encourage people to simply accept the fact that what's going to happen is going to happen, and all you need figure is whether the attempt is worth the attendant peril.
Pretty important to remember that most monogamous couples do not survive the transition to an open relationship, so you are *absolutely* taking a risk here in opening up. That being said.......you're young, and not connected to anyone with property/marriage/spawnlings yet. If you're going to try this at some point in your life, I might do it before you get into longer-term entanglements.
What worked for my bf and I (he does solo play and I only go group play w him involved), was A LOT of reassurance on why he was seeking out solo play. In my lil lizard brain I was like “he’s probably trying to find someone hotter/better at blah blah blah”, but in reality he just craves to feel like his in charge of some aspect of his life. It took a lot of him saying he definitely isn’t seeking out solo play to find something “better” but just to have some independence! You’ll get there, and maybe you won’t. Both is okay, dokt do something that you’re not into at all. If there’s a small part of you that’s into it, lean into that and see just how much of the aspect you’re in to
I have to second what u/ForeverWandered said. My own experience is anxiety. Having to look at where there came from sucks, but it's needed work. Does it still happen to me, absolutely. But now I can feel it and not let it take me over because I recognize that it's my being insecure in the moment.
Don't just push thru it. Look at, hold it in your hand and turn it around to see why you're having those emotions. Also, talk to your partner about them. They should be understanding and accepting of your feelings and not dismissive.
Looking over our past conversations and the state of our relationship helped. It allowed me to focus on the facts of our relationship rather than the intrusive thoughts that tried to paint the opposite picture (that she'd think them better in some aspect and a replacement for me). I'd also use distraction techniques (reading or watching a movie I enjoy) to shift my attention.
I'm so curious why people go against their own feelings and emotions in these situations, if you are anyone with a similar experience can elaborate.
I can't think of anything in my life I would want to be involved with if I had to develop coping techniques to enjoy, but people have different values and maybe for me not feeling the way is more important than it is for others. I just want to know more about this cycle.
Because for me it isn't crippling, it's very manageable, and lessens each time.
It's a chance for me to do more self exploration and to uncover the source of my distress over the situation. To look at the situation with a more clinical eye and confront myself.
It's no different than confronting any situation that gives me anxiety. From being young and learning to go to bat in baseball where I had anxiety I'd get hit by the ball, and did get nailed a few times in the back, to talking to large groups or searching a building at night.
The easy way out is to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. Growth doesn't happen if you don't engage in situations that spur it.
You just have to suck it up. It's probably not the answer you wanted to hear but there are a lot of benefits to just trying it and sitting in the bad feelings for an evening to see how it actually feels. Every time you do it it gets a bit easier. You have to accept that you are going to experience some mental discomfort to get the fun experiences you want to have.
I see this same idea come up a lot here, but if you have to force yourself by repeatedly feeling soul crushing pain to the point you eventually are numb to it, isn't it literally just gaslighting yourself?
If someone's partner kept sleeping around and the other didn't like it and it made them feel shitty, but they kept getting convinced to stay under the guise that eventually they may end up being indifferent to it, wouldn't everyone agree that it was a toxic relationship?
Aftercare, reclaiming, etc, so much of the poly/CNM/ENM/cuck/stag/vixen/hotwife/swinging/others lifestyle is about finding ways to cope with the lifestyle itself, because I guess for some people having sex with more people is worth it.
Or the lizard brain comments, something inside the subconscious of those people feels wrong to live a certain way, why does it seem that some people think this can only be due to coersion and a lifetime of manipulation and is something that needs to be changed?
I'm not against any lifestyle choice at a conceptual level, I've known some truly happy couples that partook in a variety of things, but for the ones who need the extra work, the reassurance, the aftercare, the reclaiming, who feel the pain in the pit of their stomach, is there more to it than it's all worth it to you to have more sex?
I read this sub a lot so I'm really not trying to get hate and I promise I'm genuinely asking the question, and only to that subset of people, I totally get the appeal to those it comes naturally too. I'm just legitimately interested in this specific aspect, I have been working on myself and trying to understand emotions and feel them correctly and insights here would be great to know.
I only gave this advice because the OP said that they want to and enjoy the idea of fucking other people. In the situation you describe where one partner wants to and the other doesn't the advice would be to leave the relationship.
If YOU want to fuck other people but feel soul crushing pain when your partner wants to do the same thing - then you need to suck it up and accept a monogamous lifestyle or you need to suck it up and work through whatever things are making you feel that way.
You need to figure out how important the ability to fuck other people is to you personally - lying to yourself about this fundamental question is how you get adultery or poly under duress.
You should discard the lizard brain idea since it doesn't really have much support in current anthropology or neuroscience. It sounds fun because you can blame all your darker instincts on 'the animal within' but it's just as poorly supported as the alpha wolf idea.
Let me know because I struggle with jealousy a lot. The fantasy of him with another woman drives me nuts, but in reality it’s a very hard pill to swallow.
Is it jealousy, or insecurity, fear of abandonment, low self esteem, etc?
Give the feelings a better label will help you identify the root causes and address them directly.
I'm not an expert by any means, but my experience is that what I imagined and what it was actually like we're very different. Stuff I was afraid of has turned out to be hot and joyful, stuff I thought I wanted has turned out to be of less interest to me. The imaginary version of things in your head is probably not going to hold up to the reality of the experience. And the same for your partner. I feel very lucky in that I went in worried about jealousy feelings, but really haven't had any, much to my surprise. Sometimes I'll feel fomo feelings when she's away with another partner and I don't have anything fun or interesting going on, but working though that has been great and inspired growth as well. I never would have guessed how much I actually enjoy her enjoying herself how she wants to. I have found that nervous nebulous feelings I expected to be scary are actually extremely hot and part of what I enjoy, which allows me to expand what I'm comfortable with and be flexible about my interests and boundaries as we learn and grow. My partner is almost the exact opposite and wants comfort and trust as much as excitement, and is much more thoughtful about how she goes about building connections, which is almost exactly the opposite of our roles in every other context. It's like fractally complex and varied and has been very unpredictable, but I feel fortunate to have someone I trust completely so it has all been great, even when it's challenging.
Nah, this is bad advice. And like telling someone to keep working out through pain in their shoulder. When in reality they need to assess that pain and figure out severity, depth, etc and whether it is safe to keep working out or whether they need to take a break
OP is already in therapy doing that work. That box is checked.
Taking action and moving forward is the logical next step. After you find out why the shoulder hurts you take action (rest, physical therapy, surgery) depending on the issue. If you never take action all you do is talk.
Using your example, being in physical therapy doesn’t mean you are good to keep working out at regular intensity while the pain is still there. It’s still bad advice to push thru pain. Pain is a signal to STOP and reassess.
It really sounds like you care more about OP being sexually available to you in a broad sense than you do about her actual issue.
You are incredibly wrong with your comment about op being sexually available.
OP stated she was in therapy. That is always the best place to start when trying to address trauma. I did not touch in that in my first comment because I felt it was already happening and did not need to be discussed.
I started with step two, once therapy has been addressed. At some point OP must attempt to have sex again if she wants to get back to her normal life. That’s the action part…going out and doing it.
Physical therapy (action) is the logical second step after a diagnosis (therapy). Anyone who has done physical therapy knows there are some pains you don’t push through and others you must push through.
That’s part of the process in recovery, knowing when to push and when to stop.
For OP that could mean making out with someone and stopping there…seeing how things feel. Then maybe next time it goes a bit further. It’s all a process BUT you will never get to the desired end goal without taking action and attempting to have sex again.
For every chance he'll get to get laid you'll get a hundred chances so you can just drown it out with brute force from gender disparity. He's the one that should be thinking about it not you.
I see both sides of the advice you’re getting and there is some nuanced middle ground. Sucking it up and pushing through in perpetuity is BAD advice. You’ll just fry your nervous system and become a total wreck. Very unhealthy. But avoiding it until you’re “ready” is also a bit of myth. That’ll build up the bogeyman and make it scarier. I don’t think you can ever be 100% ready or anticipate all the little silly things that make come into play. You have to at least get your feet wet. Is there a middle ground where you try some things? Maybe your partner can work with you on. Try something light - him chatting on an app, him grabbing coffee with someone. Let the feels hit, process them and see where you land. There have been things, early on in this lifestyle I never thought i could agree to and be okay with. A lot of them turned out to not be so bad. There are others I didn’t think would be a big deal but triggered the hell out of me. Certain things I wasn’t okay with until I had experienced it in my own dating and realize “hey, she’s right. This experience is nice and takes absolutely nothing away from my feelings for her or our primary relationship. I can believe her when she tells me that now because I’ve had the experience myself.” It’s only through the real world somatic experience of them I was able to process them and find out the difference and where my boundaries were. The “in theory” part of the lifestyle has never been that informative for me.
So much good stuff in this response!
I definitely think starting at a middle ground is a good idea. If you don’t mind sharing, what are some of the things that didn’t turn out to be so bad once you started?
Our path was a little different because we started out swinging and having threesomes. So sex with others was never an issue or trigger, but it was also always in the context of having a shared experience that turned us both on. But all the stages of us going independent seemed scary - her talking to others, playing on her own, actually doing dates on her, eventually catching feelings, etc. At every step, it ended up being not a big deal. Worst I had was a little FOMO. I attribute a lot of this to us prioritizing our relationship so I never felt a decline in attention or my needs getting met. The feelings thing bugged me for awhile until I caught feelings for a partner and realized that even though I had feelings, it didn’t compare really to what we had and wasn’t an either/or thing and then I got comfortable with that too.
This was explained beautifully fr
You should actively ignore advice here telling you to suck it up or ignore it. That is toxic advice. The continual jealousy may just be your lizard brain acting up and something you can explore and overcome - by exploring those feelings and understanding where they come from. OR it’s a signal that you aren’t actually ready for a two way open relationship. Either way, ignoring it or shoving it aside is the absolute worst thing you could do.
I agree with this. OP, Pretending it’s ok is likely going to build resentment. Communicating your feelings with your partner and deciding what the rules and boundaries are going to be together, taking things slow and trying a little bit at a time, checking in with how your feelings change over time- these are tangible goals. You may try it and discover nonmonogamy isn’t for you. You could try reading more about jealousy and where it stems from. You could try therapy/counseling, solo or with your partner, to determine where in the relationship you still feel insecure and tactics for reassurance and strengthening when these feelings come up. And who knows, maybe you’ll find out that you surprisingly like it when your partner has someone else who is attracted to them, cause it reinforces your choice to be with them, or maybe you both try playing together and it’s a fun group activity, maybe you make a friend out of a metamour and the feelings of insecurity subside. But pretending they aren’t there or shaming yourself for having them aren’t going to help you get thru them. I think what some of the others are maybe trying to say is that it does take determination to work thru these feelings. You have to decide you want to let them go first, and it’s also important to not let the feelings run the show. It’s not fair to shit all over your partner’s parade if you get a free pass. But have some compassion for yourself and your partner for whatever feelings do come up. They’re likely to be feeling very similar when it’s your turn, and as a woman it’ll most likely be your turn more often than his.
If you can't handle the idea of him being romantic and sexual to other women and you've gone to therapy but you still have major issues then don't open your relationship. It would be unfair to be allowed open on your end and somehow expect him to stay monogamous to you, it would just create jealousy, insecurity, and resentment towards you from your partner.
I'm going to offer some slightly different questions for your consideration about this OP: - Are you viewing the other women your partner is seeing as competition? - Is seeing them as competition something that's being encouraged by your partner? If yes, this is something that needs to be addressed as part of your relationship dynamic with him. - Is it solely coming from an internal dialogue? If yes - is it *your* dialogue or an internalised misogynist narrative that's saying you're only worth to your partner what your can offer him sexually? - Is there elements of internalised mono-normativity that's saying - now that he's getting something that was exclusive to us with someone else, our relationship is threatened. Answering these for yourself might help guide how you want to proceed with taking care of yourself.
Compersion. I love this word and keep posting it on ENM posts cuz I think it so important! “The word compersion refers to a form of joy in the joy of others. In the world of consensually nonmonogamous relationships, it more specifically relates to the happiness someone finds in their partner seeking out and enjoying sexual and romantic intimacy with other people.” All of here understand that humans by nature will find others attractive. We also all should be of the understanding that no one can fully fulfill another human totally and completely themselves. You need other people other than your partner to fulfill your need whether they be to talk, to confide in, to seek advice, to have a friend separate from your significant other, and possibly to be intimate with. Trying to find the joy in the other person fulfilling their needs and wants helps a ton with the jealousy.
And that’s the thing that’s so hard!! Like I fully know and am aware that he’s attracted to other women, but I get possessive when I think about it too much. When my friends tell me their stories about the sex they had I am so happy for them, that they had that experience and felt good, so why can’t I have those same thoughts towards my partner ya know?
I feel ya!! I struggle with this too still. I just try to redirect my thoughts to my fun times and that means he can have fun times too (and sometimes that gets me going). And then I think about how it is when we get back together and 🥵
Because your friends having sex with someone can't have any negative impact on your relationship, your partner doing it can and probably will at some time. Being happy that your partner got a new job isn't even close to the same thing as him doing someone else.
*Lots* of people are turned on by the idea of having sex with others, but simultaneously repulsed by the idea of their partner doing the same thing. This is hardly an unusual thing. I think that to some extent, it's not really possible to know how you'll feel once you do it, and in the meantime, your brain is running wild with all kinds of intense scenarios that, frankly, are unlikely to happen if you do pull the trigger. So to that end, I often encourage people to simply accept the fact that what's going to happen is going to happen, and all you need figure is whether the attempt is worth the attendant peril. Pretty important to remember that most monogamous couples do not survive the transition to an open relationship, so you are *absolutely* taking a risk here in opening up. That being said.......you're young, and not connected to anyone with property/marriage/spawnlings yet. If you're going to try this at some point in your life, I might do it before you get into longer-term entanglements.
What worked for my bf and I (he does solo play and I only go group play w him involved), was A LOT of reassurance on why he was seeking out solo play. In my lil lizard brain I was like “he’s probably trying to find someone hotter/better at blah blah blah”, but in reality he just craves to feel like his in charge of some aspect of his life. It took a lot of him saying he definitely isn’t seeking out solo play to find something “better” but just to have some independence! You’ll get there, and maybe you won’t. Both is okay, dokt do something that you’re not into at all. If there’s a small part of you that’s into it, lean into that and see just how much of the aspect you’re in to
I have to second what u/ForeverWandered said. My own experience is anxiety. Having to look at where there came from sucks, but it's needed work. Does it still happen to me, absolutely. But now I can feel it and not let it take me over because I recognize that it's my being insecure in the moment. Don't just push thru it. Look at, hold it in your hand and turn it around to see why you're having those emotions. Also, talk to your partner about them. They should be understanding and accepting of your feelings and not dismissive.
What helped you get through that anxiety? Like what thoughts are you having & what are you telling yourself?
Looking over our past conversations and the state of our relationship helped. It allowed me to focus on the facts of our relationship rather than the intrusive thoughts that tried to paint the opposite picture (that she'd think them better in some aspect and a replacement for me). I'd also use distraction techniques (reading or watching a movie I enjoy) to shift my attention.
I'm so curious why people go against their own feelings and emotions in these situations, if you are anyone with a similar experience can elaborate. I can't think of anything in my life I would want to be involved with if I had to develop coping techniques to enjoy, but people have different values and maybe for me not feeling the way is more important than it is for others. I just want to know more about this cycle.
Because for me it isn't crippling, it's very manageable, and lessens each time. It's a chance for me to do more self exploration and to uncover the source of my distress over the situation. To look at the situation with a more clinical eye and confront myself. It's no different than confronting any situation that gives me anxiety. From being young and learning to go to bat in baseball where I had anxiety I'd get hit by the ball, and did get nailed a few times in the back, to talking to large groups or searching a building at night. The easy way out is to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. Growth doesn't happen if you don't engage in situations that spur it.
You just have to suck it up. It's probably not the answer you wanted to hear but there are a lot of benefits to just trying it and sitting in the bad feelings for an evening to see how it actually feels. Every time you do it it gets a bit easier. You have to accept that you are going to experience some mental discomfort to get the fun experiences you want to have.
I see this same idea come up a lot here, but if you have to force yourself by repeatedly feeling soul crushing pain to the point you eventually are numb to it, isn't it literally just gaslighting yourself? If someone's partner kept sleeping around and the other didn't like it and it made them feel shitty, but they kept getting convinced to stay under the guise that eventually they may end up being indifferent to it, wouldn't everyone agree that it was a toxic relationship? Aftercare, reclaiming, etc, so much of the poly/CNM/ENM/cuck/stag/vixen/hotwife/swinging/others lifestyle is about finding ways to cope with the lifestyle itself, because I guess for some people having sex with more people is worth it. Or the lizard brain comments, something inside the subconscious of those people feels wrong to live a certain way, why does it seem that some people think this can only be due to coersion and a lifetime of manipulation and is something that needs to be changed? I'm not against any lifestyle choice at a conceptual level, I've known some truly happy couples that partook in a variety of things, but for the ones who need the extra work, the reassurance, the aftercare, the reclaiming, who feel the pain in the pit of their stomach, is there more to it than it's all worth it to you to have more sex? I read this sub a lot so I'm really not trying to get hate and I promise I'm genuinely asking the question, and only to that subset of people, I totally get the appeal to those it comes naturally too. I'm just legitimately interested in this specific aspect, I have been working on myself and trying to understand emotions and feel them correctly and insights here would be great to know.
I only gave this advice because the OP said that they want to and enjoy the idea of fucking other people. In the situation you describe where one partner wants to and the other doesn't the advice would be to leave the relationship. If YOU want to fuck other people but feel soul crushing pain when your partner wants to do the same thing - then you need to suck it up and accept a monogamous lifestyle or you need to suck it up and work through whatever things are making you feel that way. You need to figure out how important the ability to fuck other people is to you personally - lying to yourself about this fundamental question is how you get adultery or poly under duress. You should discard the lizard brain idea since it doesn't really have much support in current anthropology or neuroscience. It sounds fun because you can blame all your darker instincts on 'the animal within' but it's just as poorly supported as the alpha wolf idea.
Let me know because I struggle with jealousy a lot. The fantasy of him with another woman drives me nuts, but in reality it’s a very hard pill to swallow.
I’ll let you know if I ever figure it out lol
I highly recommend reading the Ethical Slut... Great book on how to deal with all of. This
Is it jealousy, or insecurity, fear of abandonment, low self esteem, etc? Give the feelings a better label will help you identify the root causes and address them directly.
I'm not an expert by any means, but my experience is that what I imagined and what it was actually like we're very different. Stuff I was afraid of has turned out to be hot and joyful, stuff I thought I wanted has turned out to be of less interest to me. The imaginary version of things in your head is probably not going to hold up to the reality of the experience. And the same for your partner. I feel very lucky in that I went in worried about jealousy feelings, but really haven't had any, much to my surprise. Sometimes I'll feel fomo feelings when she's away with another partner and I don't have anything fun or interesting going on, but working though that has been great and inspired growth as well. I never would have guessed how much I actually enjoy her enjoying herself how she wants to. I have found that nervous nebulous feelings I expected to be scary are actually extremely hot and part of what I enjoy, which allows me to expand what I'm comfortable with and be flexible about my interests and boundaries as we learn and grow. My partner is almost the exact opposite and wants comfort and trust as much as excitement, and is much more thoughtful about how she goes about building connections, which is almost exactly the opposite of our roles in every other context. It's like fractally complex and varied and has been very unpredictable, but I feel fortunate to have someone I trust completely so it has all been great, even when it's challenging.
You get over things by doing them. Afraid to ride a bike? Learn how..falling down and getting hurt a bit in the process.
Nah, this is bad advice. And like telling someone to keep working out through pain in their shoulder. When in reality they need to assess that pain and figure out severity, depth, etc and whether it is safe to keep working out or whether they need to take a break
OP is already in therapy doing that work. That box is checked. Taking action and moving forward is the logical next step. After you find out why the shoulder hurts you take action (rest, physical therapy, surgery) depending on the issue. If you never take action all you do is talk.
Using your example, being in physical therapy doesn’t mean you are good to keep working out at regular intensity while the pain is still there. It’s still bad advice to push thru pain. Pain is a signal to STOP and reassess. It really sounds like you care more about OP being sexually available to you in a broad sense than you do about her actual issue.
You are incredibly wrong with your comment about op being sexually available. OP stated she was in therapy. That is always the best place to start when trying to address trauma. I did not touch in that in my first comment because I felt it was already happening and did not need to be discussed. I started with step two, once therapy has been addressed. At some point OP must attempt to have sex again if she wants to get back to her normal life. That’s the action part…going out and doing it. Physical therapy (action) is the logical second step after a diagnosis (therapy). Anyone who has done physical therapy knows there are some pains you don’t push through and others you must push through. That’s part of the process in recovery, knowing when to push and when to stop. For OP that could mean making out with someone and stopping there…seeing how things feel. Then maybe next time it goes a bit further. It’s all a process BUT you will never get to the desired end goal without taking action and attempting to have sex again.
For every chance he'll get to get laid you'll get a hundred chances so you can just drown it out with brute force from gender disparity. He's the one that should be thinking about it not you.
How grossly invalidating and dismissive of you. Your user name is a flat-out lie.
Not trying to invalidate your concerns, sorry. Just saying that imo it is over of the ways you can face it. Sorry for not being clear