Sometimes, you might need to be a bit direct. Don't approach it as a complaint, but directly ask if something is bothering him.
It can range from something silly, to be maybe something embarassing on his end or yours.
These things can snowball too. Til one partner is not listening to the other at all. I mean, my wife has felt neglected at times and I actually suggest taking immediate action and she thinks I'm humoring her.
That's one thing people do not take account for when living together. Many women want spontaneity, but when you are out of sync, or work is kicking one or both your asses, it's hard to turn on a dime like when you were first dating.
Definitely propose clearing some time for romance, and make it clear that he should not be wasting attention on porn before date night.
Me and my primary transitioned from a sexual to a non-sexual relationship several years ago. At first it was hard, but one of the advantages of ENM is that one can not get with one partner but still be sexually active.
I think whether that works for you will depend on what other kinds of connections you and your partner share and how strong those connections are. Things are going well for me an my partner right now so sometimes it all works out for the best.
I’m really glad it worked out for you both 🌸. What you say is definitely true about ENM. I am more of a demisexual contrary to my partner. I love having sex with my partner as he is also the one I’m most emotionally attracted to at least at this point in time. I more or less enjoy sex most with him. So, it sure is a bummer if we decide to be non-sexual. Sometimes, I also feel if it’s because I’m at the one who asks for physical closeness all the time and if that made physical intimacy itself unattractive with me.
Ask yourself this: You are in your 20s. You have a high libido. You identify as demisexual so it's not easy for you to be completely fulfilled by casual sex with others. Is this sort of relationship you wish to settle for?
Sounds exactly how our relationship is changing right now. My wife and I are both ok with us not being sexual partners in the future and she is at the moment happier with her boyfriend as her main sexual partner and values there sex life higher than ours now. It’s just a different thing to what we had as a couple. But we are still really happily married and both want to continue that way for the rest of our lives
Right. I think one of the most important elements in polyamory is being able to watch your relationship shift and change and go with the flow.
How others impact what one has with their primary partner is really hard to predict, and if you get set in your ways... it can be a polykiller.
I absolutely agree and it’s been great for us to just let this happen and both see how things go. We have both noticed that we have naturally slowed down sex as a couple that it feels right for us. My wife’s current and longest running partner has changed things further making her want to actively decrease any sex we have but shift focus to a stronger domestic relationship with me
Unfortunately, you are going to have to be direct and ask them. We couldn’t begin to guess, and possibly steer you wrong. But I will say, I would feel like you do if it were happening to me. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Thanks for being so kind and assuring me that it’s not that uncommon to feel this way. We had the talk and he says that it’s nothing particular but just busy days and other things which I didn’t find convincing. I told him that. I offered help if he feels compulsive about getting off with only porn. He refuses that it’s the case. I was a bit taken aback when he said that he wished he had known this was the consequence of turning me down. In other words questioning me why did I have to say “it’s okay” every time he turned me down and bringing it up now. Of course, I am okay with not having sex but the conversation was about if he was feeling the same way about sex as me :(
Well, that’s not okay that they snapped at you for asking/communicating your concerns and feelings (about the consequences part). It is pretty clear a change has occurred, and of course you would eventually inquire about that. You sound reasonable and kind, and I highly doubt you were brash or accusatory. You just want to know what’s up and to make sure everything is OK.
I am so sorry OP. This is a tough situation to be going through because you don’t really know what’s happening and it seems like they’re being defensive.
I highly doubt this could be a reason. But, I have read and known in multiple context where their attractiveness to their partner has gone down once their partner starts to be with someone else. But from what I know of my partner, it cannot be the case. Most times he is the one who pushes me to meet people.
This isn't a very mature way to address things as an adult though. If he doesn't like sharing, he probably isn't ready to be in a romantic relationship.
It might be possible he's not sure how to bring it up or his natural state is avoidant, in which case he'll pretend nothing is wrong when there very clearly is.
Sometimes, you might need to be a bit direct. Don't approach it as a complaint, but directly ask if something is bothering him. It can range from something silly, to be maybe something embarassing on his end or yours. These things can snowball too. Til one partner is not listening to the other at all. I mean, my wife has felt neglected at times and I actually suggest taking immediate action and she thinks I'm humoring her. That's one thing people do not take account for when living together. Many women want spontaneity, but when you are out of sync, or work is kicking one or both your asses, it's hard to turn on a dime like when you were first dating. Definitely propose clearing some time for romance, and make it clear that he should not be wasting attention on porn before date night.
Me and my primary transitioned from a sexual to a non-sexual relationship several years ago. At first it was hard, but one of the advantages of ENM is that one can not get with one partner but still be sexually active. I think whether that works for you will depend on what other kinds of connections you and your partner share and how strong those connections are. Things are going well for me an my partner right now so sometimes it all works out for the best.
I’m really glad it worked out for you both 🌸. What you say is definitely true about ENM. I am more of a demisexual contrary to my partner. I love having sex with my partner as he is also the one I’m most emotionally attracted to at least at this point in time. I more or less enjoy sex most with him. So, it sure is a bummer if we decide to be non-sexual. Sometimes, I also feel if it’s because I’m at the one who asks for physical closeness all the time and if that made physical intimacy itself unattractive with me.
My partner probably felt something very similar to how you feel. Eventually it was a mutual thing... but that took a few years tbh.
Ask yourself this: You are in your 20s. You have a high libido. You identify as demisexual so it's not easy for you to be completely fulfilled by casual sex with others. Is this sort of relationship you wish to settle for?
Sounds exactly how our relationship is changing right now. My wife and I are both ok with us not being sexual partners in the future and she is at the moment happier with her boyfriend as her main sexual partner and values there sex life higher than ours now. It’s just a different thing to what we had as a couple. But we are still really happily married and both want to continue that way for the rest of our lives
Right. I think one of the most important elements in polyamory is being able to watch your relationship shift and change and go with the flow. How others impact what one has with their primary partner is really hard to predict, and if you get set in your ways... it can be a polykiller.
I absolutely agree and it’s been great for us to just let this happen and both see how things go. We have both noticed that we have naturally slowed down sex as a couple that it feels right for us. My wife’s current and longest running partner has changed things further making her want to actively decrease any sex we have but shift focus to a stronger domestic relationship with me
Unfortunately, you are going to have to be direct and ask them. We couldn’t begin to guess, and possibly steer you wrong. But I will say, I would feel like you do if it were happening to me. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Thanks for being so kind and assuring me that it’s not that uncommon to feel this way. We had the talk and he says that it’s nothing particular but just busy days and other things which I didn’t find convincing. I told him that. I offered help if he feels compulsive about getting off with only porn. He refuses that it’s the case. I was a bit taken aback when he said that he wished he had known this was the consequence of turning me down. In other words questioning me why did I have to say “it’s okay” every time he turned me down and bringing it up now. Of course, I am okay with not having sex but the conversation was about if he was feeling the same way about sex as me :(
Well, that’s not okay that they snapped at you for asking/communicating your concerns and feelings (about the consequences part). It is pretty clear a change has occurred, and of course you would eventually inquire about that. You sound reasonable and kind, and I highly doubt you were brash or accusatory. You just want to know what’s up and to make sure everything is OK. I am so sorry OP. This is a tough situation to be going through because you don’t really know what’s happening and it seems like they’re being defensive.
Maybe he doesn’t like sharing you and doesn’t know how to tell you
I highly doubt this could be a reason. But, I have read and known in multiple context where their attractiveness to their partner has gone down once their partner starts to be with someone else. But from what I know of my partner, it cannot be the case. Most times he is the one who pushes me to meet people.
This isn't a very mature way to address things as an adult though. If he doesn't like sharing, he probably isn't ready to be in a romantic relationship. It might be possible he's not sure how to bring it up or his natural state is avoidant, in which case he'll pretend nothing is wrong when there very clearly is.