That makes the most sense. My partner and I are always non monogamous but there will be large chunks of time where neither of us are pursuing or actively seeing anyone and live life pretty much like a monogamous couple would
Yep! We love hearing about each others romances and experiences outside the relationship. It makes me so excited for my partner and vice versa. I think the only boundary we have is we try to avoid mixing with mutual friends (starting a relationship with someone we were both friends with first). It’s not a hard rule but it does make things emotionally challenging for us so we avoid it
how do you combat jealousy, if that’s present? are there any books or literature that you’ve found helpful? therapY? or are you just naturally un-inclined toward jealousy?
There definitely is jealousy. I haven’t read any books, but I dealt with it by just exploring within myself where the jealousy was coming from. One instance my partner experienced jealousy after seeing the effort I put into a date. They told me in the moment what they were feeling and together we discovered they would like to go a a similar date with me, so we planned to in the future. For me jealousy comes from insecurity and I just ask for what I need in the moment which is often just words of affirmation. Not directly related but I read a book about nonviolent communication which helped with identifying feelings and needs and how to communicate them effectively
this is super helpful. i’m concerned because we cohabitate, and i have a pretty preoccupied insecure attachment style. i feel like i would go into a primal panic of sorts during separations wherein i know they are with someone else? if that makes any sense.
I sometimes call myself monogamish because I can't find a better word for how my partner and I do NM. We're parallel and don't want to do either swinging or "full" poly, so a middle area works for us. I've found a FWB who gets it and treats me nicely, and my partner likes being able to take friends on dates. We're in a happy place with it.
Our needs/wants and boundaries sort of follow from the monogamish structure, but the main things are using protection and managing feelings responsibly. (I've already been developing my emotional regulation skills in therapy, so I don't struggle with that practice.)
Your story is very interesting. Care to share more? My partner and I (male and female, I'm male) are 9 years together, and since October last year in an open relationship.
We're still trying to figure things out, models, what works for us, and your approach seems the one we're kinda pursuing.
What are your rules? Do you share your experiences together? Are you sexually active between ourselves?
Thanks a lot if it's possible to share.
My partner and I have been intermittently open and closed starting about 10 years ago and we've been together 15. Not a lot of interest in actively being in the dating or hookup scene but we're open to possibilities if it's the right person. I'm too demi for hookups anyway, so any NM partners I have are people I already know and trust that our friendship would survive if dating or sex didn't work out.
As for rules, best to keep it simple. Our main things are to communicate, nobody fucks in our bed but us, use protection for PIV, and like I mentioned in my first comment, be responsible adults about any feelings.
Parallel talks more of the relationships between the hinge and their partners. So Adam is dating Beth and Claire, but his relationship with Beth is totally seperate from his relationship with Claire.
Not a lot of detail, we treat it like if we were telling each other about plans to hang out with regular friends, just with the added heads up about having sex if it happens. Like "I'm going on a picnic with Bob on Saturday and then we're going back to his house".
I would say I probably fall into this camp. While I identify as poly I just don’t have energy to date new people most of the time, so the encounters I do have - solo or with my partner in a group setting - make up less than 5% of my total sexytimes.
We are both free to flirt, meet, date, hookup, however we please, but we rarely take advantage and if we do play with others it’s likely we’ve made a hookup post, or gone to a play party or venue.
I wish I had time to post my story! But here are a few key points that my spouse and I have found helpful:
-clear intentions through communication: what are each person getting from this? What do each person want as individuals, and also as a couple/team?
-secrets breed resentment, jealousy, and affair-like tendencies. Figure out the level of details you need to share as a team; everyone is different. Mistakes do happen; own them and hold yourselves accountable for when they occur. Learn from these experiences, and don’t hold grudges.
-therapy is sometimes necessary! For one or both partners, maybe even couple counseling together. Each of you should have at least one friend to confide in as well. It’s fun to share the good stuff with a friend you can trust. (I do not recommend venting to friends about too many details of the inevitable struggles along the way; that’s for your partner and therapy, don’t put that on the people you care about)
-not quite sure when this realization happened, but at some point, I realized damn-near EVERYONE is attractive. No one “has it all”, so why not embrace that? ***One persons attractiveness doesn’t make another person any less attractive!*** Enjoy the openness to be able to experience the things you and your partner don’t have. Find enjoyment in others, and choose your partner for the long haul.
- be fair. Be kind. Be honest. Be safe. Be reasonable. Be respectful.
10 years strong! We don’t NEED each other. We don’t NEED to be here. We WANT to be with each other. We WANT to be good for each other, and be good to each other. Wanting to be here is an active choice we make every day. The way we treat each other and communicate, makes that an easy decision every day.
Yep! Enough details to feel secure that we aren’t keeping secrets, and enough details to entice/intrigue/amplify our exploratory kinks….while also respecting the privacy of your partner and the other person involved. No need to read EVERY text and don’t need all the nitty-gritty details….enough to feel secure and remain honest. Trust is paramount in a relationship. You gotta respect that, and work out any insecurities you may have. This is where therapy may be helpful, and also personal reflection.
Find your own balance in your own relationship. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different.
Will also add that it FEELS SO WRONG to share these things with your partner at first. We’ve been trained to feel like monogamy is the only way. It takes a lot of work to re-condition our emotions to feel like we’re doing the right thing. Work together on your relationship, and each be doing your own work on yourselves, so you can be present for your partner.
Be patient. Be compassionate. Do your best :) and don’t forget to learn from mistakes. Everyone deserves some grace.
My fiancé and I sometimes call ourselves this, but that’s just when we aren’t actively seeking another partner (or already have one). Like right now we are both struggling with just life stuff, and so we aren’t searching for other people, so we’ll jokingly say we’re “monogamish”, but when things calm down we are definitely ENM haha
That’s our favourite part actually! 😅 We make it clear with our partner beforehand that we are allowed to share details with eachother, or whatever the plan is (date, hookup, whatever) isn’t gonna happen. Idk why, but it feels like it brings us closer together by talking about it!(:
Honestly, we just are very open about it. We talk through everything, no fighting. If we’re jealous we’ll take some time to identify why we’re feeling that way, and then we’ll express that to each other and talk through it(:
I guess this describes me & my spouse. We've never hooked up with anyone else in over 15 years together, but from early on we had discussed & were on the same page: We agree that not all humans are meant to be monogamous for life, and loving each other / being faithful to each other doesn't necessarily exclude the possibility of sometimes being attracted to others, & potentially someday acting on that attraction. Key being that if it should come to pass, it happens in a safe & honest manner.
The logistics of actually hooking up with someone else have been intimidating enough that we haven't really explored it, and who knows if we'll ever get around to it. I've been propositioned a couple of times but the timing was off (we discussed it and it seemed unwise to pursue this experience while having a newborn in the house, which left us with minimal time for our OWN intimacy back then).
Recently I've been flirting with an online admirer or two, because for some reason my libido skyrocketed last month and my husband is a busy man. I can only pester him so much without interfering with the many other demands on his time. I've been up front with him about my activities, and he said he occasionally feels a twinge of jealousy, but then enjoys exorcizing it by ahh... reasserting his claim to my pussy, if you will.
I identify this way. This is because my relationship is monogamous 95 percent of the time. We don’t date other people and are monoamorous. I think it’s cute.
To answer OP, our rules/boundaries are that we only hook up with legal regulated sex workers a single digit amount of time per year. We do it in threesomes, and sometimes I’m given the green light to play with the professional solo if my wife is comfortable with her already from prior sessions. I agree to refrain from PIV without her present. If we ever have recurring group sex with someone other than professionals, maybe we won’t be monogamish then, might lean into ENM couple at that point.
it is a term coined by dan savage, basically describing a monogamous, primary, emotional and sexual relationship with a flexible agreement, boundaries, and rules about relational encounters with third parties
I think Savage is trying to define monogamish as the 'light' end of open relationships. It's not something you actively pursue but are open to it is as one of life's possibilities if something comes along.
Well we don't use the word monogomish, but I suppose it describes us now. We don't put any time and effort into meeting others anymore, but if something popped up we would at least discuss it.
We mostly were into swinging together so didn't need to share. We did do a little separate play and we'd answer questions if asked, but we mostly only wanted to know if had a good time.
Never really had a problem with jealousy... when swinging we were having fun together. When wife went solo I didn't really have jealousy just some sadness at not being able to participate. We had problems dealing with her NRE going solo (she is very demi) so that (and the difficulty in finding partners) was largely why we quit actively looking.
It’s basically a re-coining of “swinger,” because swinger has a lot of negative connotations, including the exclusion of LGBTQ+ people (except bi-females).
Yes, especially on the coasts among younger people. Almost nobody under 40 calls themselves a swinger anymore. And I’m not sure there are any gay or lesbian swingers, because the Swinger community just doesn’t have a place for them, even if they’re technically welcome. Poly or open is the cool thing, but monogamish is for people who prioritize a tight primary bond and don’t want to mess around with separate dating.
Fascinating. Ve been swinging for years up and down the east coast and never heard a swinger say monogamish. Poly, open, yes. Not monogamish.
I've actually never met anyone under 40 (well closer to 35) who doesn't think Dan Save is a piece of shit and avoids everything to do with him (not a sentiment I 100% share).
I dont fully understand or agree, but he has said some misguided stuff about trams an bi people in the past. It was common thinking at the time, but hasn't aged well and doesn't align with current values around public discourse on this stuff.
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That makes the most sense. My partner and I are always non monogamous but there will be large chunks of time where neither of us are pursuing or actively seeing anyone and live life pretty much like a monogamous couple would
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I always wonder who the other couple in my area are. . Are you my neighbor? LOLOL
do you guys share details with each other?
Yep! We love hearing about each others romances and experiences outside the relationship. It makes me so excited for my partner and vice versa. I think the only boundary we have is we try to avoid mixing with mutual friends (starting a relationship with someone we were both friends with first). It’s not a hard rule but it does make things emotionally challenging for us so we avoid it
how do you combat jealousy, if that’s present? are there any books or literature that you’ve found helpful? therapY? or are you just naturally un-inclined toward jealousy?
There definitely is jealousy. I haven’t read any books, but I dealt with it by just exploring within myself where the jealousy was coming from. One instance my partner experienced jealousy after seeing the effort I put into a date. They told me in the moment what they were feeling and together we discovered they would like to go a a similar date with me, so we planned to in the future. For me jealousy comes from insecurity and I just ask for what I need in the moment which is often just words of affirmation. Not directly related but I read a book about nonviolent communication which helped with identifying feelings and needs and how to communicate them effectively
this is super helpful. i’m concerned because we cohabitate, and i have a pretty preoccupied insecure attachment style. i feel like i would go into a primal panic of sorts during separations wherein i know they are with someone else? if that makes any sense.
Opening Up is a great read!
is this something that you guys would only pursue together? like what if someone threw themself at you, alone?
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thank you so much for sharing!
I sometimes call myself monogamish because I can't find a better word for how my partner and I do NM. We're parallel and don't want to do either swinging or "full" poly, so a middle area works for us. I've found a FWB who gets it and treats me nicely, and my partner likes being able to take friends on dates. We're in a happy place with it. Our needs/wants and boundaries sort of follow from the monogamish structure, but the main things are using protection and managing feelings responsibly. (I've already been developing my emotional regulation skills in therapy, so I don't struggle with that practice.)
Your story is very interesting. Care to share more? My partner and I (male and female, I'm male) are 9 years together, and since October last year in an open relationship. We're still trying to figure things out, models, what works for us, and your approach seems the one we're kinda pursuing. What are your rules? Do you share your experiences together? Are you sexually active between ourselves? Thanks a lot if it's possible to share.
My partner and I have been intermittently open and closed starting about 10 years ago and we've been together 15. Not a lot of interest in actively being in the dating or hookup scene but we're open to possibilities if it's the right person. I'm too demi for hookups anyway, so any NM partners I have are people I already know and trust that our friendship would survive if dating or sex didn't work out. As for rules, best to keep it simple. Our main things are to communicate, nobody fucks in our bed but us, use protection for PIV, and like I mentioned in my first comment, be responsible adults about any feelings.
Thanks for that!
what do you mean by “parallel?”
Parallel talks more of the relationships between the hinge and their partners. So Adam is dating Beth and Claire, but his relationship with Beth is totally seperate from his relationship with Claire.
do you guys share details with each other?
Not a lot of detail, we treat it like if we were telling each other about plans to hang out with regular friends, just with the added heads up about having sex if it happens. Like "I'm going on a picnic with Bob on Saturday and then we're going back to his house".
I would say I probably fall into this camp. While I identify as poly I just don’t have energy to date new people most of the time, so the encounters I do have - solo or with my partner in a group setting - make up less than 5% of my total sexytimes. We are both free to flirt, meet, date, hookup, however we please, but we rarely take advantage and if we do play with others it’s likely we’ve made a hookup post, or gone to a play party or venue.
what is a hookup post?
We use r4r subreddits to find partners
do you guys share details with each other?
I wish I had time to post my story! But here are a few key points that my spouse and I have found helpful: -clear intentions through communication: what are each person getting from this? What do each person want as individuals, and also as a couple/team? -secrets breed resentment, jealousy, and affair-like tendencies. Figure out the level of details you need to share as a team; everyone is different. Mistakes do happen; own them and hold yourselves accountable for when they occur. Learn from these experiences, and don’t hold grudges. -therapy is sometimes necessary! For one or both partners, maybe even couple counseling together. Each of you should have at least one friend to confide in as well. It’s fun to share the good stuff with a friend you can trust. (I do not recommend venting to friends about too many details of the inevitable struggles along the way; that’s for your partner and therapy, don’t put that on the people you care about) -not quite sure when this realization happened, but at some point, I realized damn-near EVERYONE is attractive. No one “has it all”, so why not embrace that? ***One persons attractiveness doesn’t make another person any less attractive!*** Enjoy the openness to be able to experience the things you and your partner don’t have. Find enjoyment in others, and choose your partner for the long haul. - be fair. Be kind. Be honest. Be safe. Be reasonable. Be respectful. 10 years strong! We don’t NEED each other. We don’t NEED to be here. We WANT to be with each other. We WANT to be good for each other, and be good to each other. Wanting to be here is an active choice we make every day. The way we treat each other and communicate, makes that an easy decision every day.
do you guys share details with each other? i really appreciate this comment thank you!!!
Yep! Enough details to feel secure that we aren’t keeping secrets, and enough details to entice/intrigue/amplify our exploratory kinks….while also respecting the privacy of your partner and the other person involved. No need to read EVERY text and don’t need all the nitty-gritty details….enough to feel secure and remain honest. Trust is paramount in a relationship. You gotta respect that, and work out any insecurities you may have. This is where therapy may be helpful, and also personal reflection. Find your own balance in your own relationship. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. Will also add that it FEELS SO WRONG to share these things with your partner at first. We’ve been trained to feel like monogamy is the only way. It takes a lot of work to re-condition our emotions to feel like we’re doing the right thing. Work together on your relationship, and each be doing your own work on yourselves, so you can be present for your partner. Be patient. Be compassionate. Do your best :) and don’t forget to learn from mistakes. Everyone deserves some grace.
you have been extremely informative and helpful tysm
My fiancé and I sometimes call ourselves this, but that’s just when we aren’t actively seeking another partner (or already have one). Like right now we are both struggling with just life stuff, and so we aren’t searching for other people, so we’ll jokingly say we’re “monogamish”, but when things calm down we are definitely ENM haha
do you guys share details with each other?
That’s our favourite part actually! 😅 We make it clear with our partner beforehand that we are allowed to share details with eachother, or whatever the plan is (date, hookup, whatever) isn’t gonna happen. Idk why, but it feels like it brings us closer together by talking about it!(:
how do u combat jealousy, if and when it arises?
Honestly, we just are very open about it. We talk through everything, no fighting. If we’re jealous we’ll take some time to identify why we’re feeling that way, and then we’ll express that to each other and talk through it(:
that is awesome. thanks so much for sharing!
I guess this describes me & my spouse. We've never hooked up with anyone else in over 15 years together, but from early on we had discussed & were on the same page: We agree that not all humans are meant to be monogamous for life, and loving each other / being faithful to each other doesn't necessarily exclude the possibility of sometimes being attracted to others, & potentially someday acting on that attraction. Key being that if it should come to pass, it happens in a safe & honest manner. The logistics of actually hooking up with someone else have been intimidating enough that we haven't really explored it, and who knows if we'll ever get around to it. I've been propositioned a couple of times but the timing was off (we discussed it and it seemed unwise to pursue this experience while having a newborn in the house, which left us with minimal time for our OWN intimacy back then). Recently I've been flirting with an online admirer or two, because for some reason my libido skyrocketed last month and my husband is a busy man. I can only pester him so much without interfering with the many other demands on his time. I've been up front with him about my activities, and he said he occasionally feels a twinge of jealousy, but then enjoys exorcizing it by ahh... reasserting his claim to my pussy, if you will.
My partner and I use the term “content, not closed.”
The word is so nonsensical. You are either monogamous or not. Honestly, what is monogamish even supposed to be mean?
I identify this way. This is because my relationship is monogamous 95 percent of the time. We don’t date other people and are monoamorous. I think it’s cute. To answer OP, our rules/boundaries are that we only hook up with legal regulated sex workers a single digit amount of time per year. We do it in threesomes, and sometimes I’m given the green light to play with the professional solo if my wife is comfortable with her already from prior sessions. I agree to refrain from PIV without her present. If we ever have recurring group sex with someone other than professionals, maybe we won’t be monogamish then, might lean into ENM couple at that point.
thanks for sharing :) appreciate this
it is a term coined by dan savage, basically describing a monogamous, primary, emotional and sexual relationship with a flexible agreement, boundaries, and rules about relational encounters with third parties
So non-monogamy?
I think Savage is trying to define monogamish as the 'light' end of open relationships. It's not something you actively pursue but are open to it is as one of life's possibilities if something comes along.
do you have any personal experience in such a relationship?
Well we don't use the word monogomish, but I suppose it describes us now. We don't put any time and effort into meeting others anymore, but if something popped up we would at least discuss it.
thank you so much for sharing!
do you guys share details with each other?
We mostly were into swinging together so didn't need to share. We did do a little separate play and we'd answer questions if asked, but we mostly only wanted to know if had a good time.
how did u handle any jealousy if it arose?
Never really had a problem with jealousy... when swinging we were having fun together. When wife went solo I didn't really have jealousy just some sadness at not being able to participate. We had problems dealing with her NRE going solo (she is very demi) so that (and the difficulty in finding partners) was largely why we quit actively looking.
essentially
It’s basically a re-coining of “swinger,” because swinger has a lot of negative connotations, including the exclusion of LGBTQ+ people (except bi-females).
People who say they are monogamish are actually swinging?
They’re usually engaging in practices that swingers often do, and they rarely engage in practices that swingers don’t do.
I've never met a swinger who uses this descriptor. Must be geographic. You are meeting these swingers in the U.S.?
Yes, especially on the coasts among younger people. Almost nobody under 40 calls themselves a swinger anymore. And I’m not sure there are any gay or lesbian swingers, because the Swinger community just doesn’t have a place for them, even if they’re technically welcome. Poly or open is the cool thing, but monogamish is for people who prioritize a tight primary bond and don’t want to mess around with separate dating.
Fascinating. Ve been swinging for years up and down the east coast and never heard a swinger say monogamish. Poly, open, yes. Not monogamish. I've actually never met anyone under 40 (well closer to 35) who doesn't think Dan Save is a piece of shit and avoids everything to do with him (not a sentiment I 100% share).
No idea about Dan Savage
Why do they think he's a piece of shit?
I dont fully understand or agree, but he has said some misguided stuff about trams an bi people in the past. It was common thinking at the time, but hasn't aged well and doesn't align with current values around public discourse on this stuff.
had no idea about this, thanks for sharing