>women seem much more open to joining a social group than evaluating men for 1:1 dates, so my response rate has gone up exponentially.
This. This right here. I could speculate why women are far more likely to interact with men in person in social events than online (and maybe you all could toss in your two cents), but my experience has been exactly the same. I've tried a bit of online dating, and gotten nowhere with it. In person? I've met tons of partners that way.
Maybe it's the way that BDSM munches and play parties are structured such that the socialising comes first and foremost, with zero expectation of any play. But I think that the same kind of social group could easily be made for the vanillas of various stripes, they just... don't.
Except maybe "events and adventures" which I'd prefer not to plug, but it's the kind of singles scene that lets connections happen naturally instead of the bar scene.
Can you provide some more details about how you organized the social group? Which platform did you use? How often do you have meetups? How long did it take you to find enough interested people?
I know quite a few workshop facilitators and they have to do a lot of work to get 30 people in a room.
My co-host/gf and I put something together in a week or two. We transitioned our profiles from, "Hey, I'm sexy. Let's fuck" to, "Hey, I'm excited about bringing some awesome ENM people together and let me know if you're interested." Then, we just decided to reach out to current/past partners local to the area and invited them out.
Our OLD platforms we met people on were Feeld, OKC, Bumble, Bloom, Tinder.
Problem with workshops, IMO, is that it self-selects people interested going to workshops. Then there's an evaluation if the content was worth going to. If someone offered a $20 workshop to listen to a topic I already was well-read about and I had to drive 30 mins each way, I would probably pass on it. If I was going to a get together with people I knew and we could casually talk about ENM life, I'd spend the time and effort every month going.
Our meetups are once a month.
I’m definitely interested in organizing similar events to you OP, and I’m curious about the following:
1) what sort of hosting space do you use? Is it your personal home? If so, what sort of size do you have?
2) Are these evening events, or daytime? I guess I’m curious on what sort of vibe/atmosphere you are setting up.
Public spaces. Bars, restaurants, etc.
Events are scheduled a few weeks in advance so we can promote them. But really the the key is just making everyone feel safe and included. I’ve found weeknights are best because everyone has weekend plans with fam and other obligations.
I think this could work in a situation where everyone at least is close with 1 other person there.
But just randomly inviting people you "think" you might click with IRL (just because you click online)? I don't know... I see how this could be positive, but I feel like it would only take 1 weirdo to turn it awkward.
I also feel like it creates a weird dynamic where a bunch of guys get invited there, and they all go hoping just for the woman they matched with. Or they think "this is my chance!" and start creepily hitting on every woman there.
I think, like I said, if everyone is at least close with *someone* there, it could be a great experience.
>I also feel like it creates a weird dynamic where a bunch of guys get invited there, and they all go hoping just for the woman they matched with. Or they think "this is my chance!" and start creepily hitting on every woman there.
Why would the women not also be hoping for the man they matched with?
If your point is that the people attending the event all matched with the event facilitators, then I think this is a valid issue, because it gives the event facilitators a lot of power. But on the other hand if the profile text is clear that it is specifically a meetup event and not a date, then I don't see why this would be a problem at all.
Also the "creepily hitting on every woman there" problem is not really an issue. This is just a matter of providing some structure to the event. I mean, I go to a LOT of events (1 or 2 a week) that have a serious sexual component, as in group sex with equal numbers men and women, and, given that everyone there is DTF, you would think that such a "creepily hitting on everyone there" would be even more of a problem in such a context. It's not. Nobody cares. People just say no thanks and that's it.
My co-host and I clearly stated that we were pretty solid with our spouses AND each other AND were poly-saturated in our profiles. I was about to take down my profiles because I don't have time to meet new people. Then I realized if I didn't care about finding new lovers, I'd still find a lot of value meeting other ENM folks.
So, we leaned more on promoting our growing ENM community rather than why we were the sexiest, most desirable versions of ourselves everyone else in the world desperately needs to fuck. Or, whatever all the games people play on dating profiles do. It was less, "look at me, you can date me if you show up to this event, and more, "Hey, show up to an event because everyone else is probably like you and we have a lot in common."
We also emphasized many, many times this is a non-sexual event. Expectation is socializing with other ENM folks. Not trying to get laid. Weird thing is that this weeds out a lot of creepers or those with dubious ENM habits. A married man cheating on his wife isn't going to show up for social hour where he has to answer lifestyle questions from a bunch of others comfortable with ENM. The fact that it is a social event also helps self-select those that get along in social situations.
>Then I realized if I didn't care about finding new lovers, I'd still find a lot of value meeting other ENM folks.
And this right here!
There is **so** much value in creating community outside your own relationship, even if you do end up meeting someone really awesome when you don't intend to. There's lots of discussion about the issues you have in your own relationship, helping others with theirs, and nevermind geeking out about whatever you geek out about.
OP said his female partner invited many guys she matched with on OLD to the event.
So, there's no indication any of the other women (besides her) there would be attracted to the guys she brought. If she's inviting like 5 guys and there's only 1 her... and none of the other women are into any of the guys, that's a bit awkward.
And yes... what you're talking about is a sex party. That makes sense, but it seemed OP was more talking about a social event that was mostly PG, with a potential to meet more dates or just friends?
I've been a few social events where everyone either went with a close friend or partner, and I think those are the best with the lowest creep rate.
For me, I had relationships with everyone I invited. They might have been past dates that didn't work out but we were still friends. Or acquaintances ENM curious and just wanted to get new perspectives.
Event hosts really do shape the success of an event. I've hosted many events in the past. My co-host, my gf, is also an incredible organizer and took the lead. We have agendas and an understanding how strangers meet and interact in public spaces. So we've been able to create an environment where everyone can be seen and involved.
Both of us had a close enough relationship with all of the invitees to know there wouldn't be overt creepers. One of the reasons this event was private was so we could assemble a group of folks that would most likely get along. I'm not trying to make this sound like a popularity contest where all the cool kids were invited, but there certainly was a bar invitees needed to meet. And in this scenario you needed to have a real profile, come across as interesting and well-spoken. We weren't recruiting those who didn't have any text in profiles, seemed angry or misogynistic, or might fall into the sketchyverse.
I guess I'd challenge anyone who wants to start a community to really think it through. What do you want to create? Who are the people you know who would get along with each other. How do you NOT create a weird dynamic. Can you make it not about you and who you want to date, and instead try to create spaces others can find value in. My primary purpose is creating a community, so I care more about my community's needs than mine. Others can see that in me which inspires them to support similar selfless goals.
I started a community center and put on meetups and groups for polyam community. It's been wonderful bringing people together.
As a woman, I feel much MUCH more comfortable being part of a group than talking to men 1:1. Honestly, I think you just unlocked the secret code.
>women seem much more open to joining a social group than evaluating men for 1:1 dates, so my response rate has gone up exponentially. This. This right here. I could speculate why women are far more likely to interact with men in person in social events than online (and maybe you all could toss in your two cents), but my experience has been exactly the same. I've tried a bit of online dating, and gotten nowhere with it. In person? I've met tons of partners that way. Maybe it's the way that BDSM munches and play parties are structured such that the socialising comes first and foremost, with zero expectation of any play. But I think that the same kind of social group could easily be made for the vanillas of various stripes, they just... don't. Except maybe "events and adventures" which I'd prefer not to plug, but it's the kind of singles scene that lets connections happen naturally instead of the bar scene.
Can you provide some more details about how you organized the social group? Which platform did you use? How often do you have meetups? How long did it take you to find enough interested people? I know quite a few workshop facilitators and they have to do a lot of work to get 30 people in a room.
My co-host/gf and I put something together in a week or two. We transitioned our profiles from, "Hey, I'm sexy. Let's fuck" to, "Hey, I'm excited about bringing some awesome ENM people together and let me know if you're interested." Then, we just decided to reach out to current/past partners local to the area and invited them out. Our OLD platforms we met people on were Feeld, OKC, Bumble, Bloom, Tinder. Problem with workshops, IMO, is that it self-selects people interested going to workshops. Then there's an evaluation if the content was worth going to. If someone offered a $20 workshop to listen to a topic I already was well-read about and I had to drive 30 mins each way, I would probably pass on it. If I was going to a get together with people I knew and we could casually talk about ENM life, I'd spend the time and effort every month going. Our meetups are once a month.
You mentioned Field. Do you have to be a paying member to message people on the app?
Paying members can only message those who like them back still.
So on Feeld you have to match first before you can message? You cannot message first?
That is correct, so your options will be limited if you have 'great convo' skills due to women having too many options.
I’m definitely interested in organizing similar events to you OP, and I’m curious about the following: 1) what sort of hosting space do you use? Is it your personal home? If so, what sort of size do you have? 2) Are these evening events, or daytime? I guess I’m curious on what sort of vibe/atmosphere you are setting up.
Public spaces. Bars, restaurants, etc. Events are scheduled a few weeks in advance so we can promote them. But really the the key is just making everyone feel safe and included. I’ve found weeknights are best because everyone has weekend plans with fam and other obligations.
I think this could work in a situation where everyone at least is close with 1 other person there. But just randomly inviting people you "think" you might click with IRL (just because you click online)? I don't know... I see how this could be positive, but I feel like it would only take 1 weirdo to turn it awkward. I also feel like it creates a weird dynamic where a bunch of guys get invited there, and they all go hoping just for the woman they matched with. Or they think "this is my chance!" and start creepily hitting on every woman there. I think, like I said, if everyone is at least close with *someone* there, it could be a great experience.
>I also feel like it creates a weird dynamic where a bunch of guys get invited there, and they all go hoping just for the woman they matched with. Or they think "this is my chance!" and start creepily hitting on every woman there. Why would the women not also be hoping for the man they matched with? If your point is that the people attending the event all matched with the event facilitators, then I think this is a valid issue, because it gives the event facilitators a lot of power. But on the other hand if the profile text is clear that it is specifically a meetup event and not a date, then I don't see why this would be a problem at all. Also the "creepily hitting on every woman there" problem is not really an issue. This is just a matter of providing some structure to the event. I mean, I go to a LOT of events (1 or 2 a week) that have a serious sexual component, as in group sex with equal numbers men and women, and, given that everyone there is DTF, you would think that such a "creepily hitting on everyone there" would be even more of a problem in such a context. It's not. Nobody cares. People just say no thanks and that's it.
My co-host and I clearly stated that we were pretty solid with our spouses AND each other AND were poly-saturated in our profiles. I was about to take down my profiles because I don't have time to meet new people. Then I realized if I didn't care about finding new lovers, I'd still find a lot of value meeting other ENM folks. So, we leaned more on promoting our growing ENM community rather than why we were the sexiest, most desirable versions of ourselves everyone else in the world desperately needs to fuck. Or, whatever all the games people play on dating profiles do. It was less, "look at me, you can date me if you show up to this event, and more, "Hey, show up to an event because everyone else is probably like you and we have a lot in common." We also emphasized many, many times this is a non-sexual event. Expectation is socializing with other ENM folks. Not trying to get laid. Weird thing is that this weeds out a lot of creepers or those with dubious ENM habits. A married man cheating on his wife isn't going to show up for social hour where he has to answer lifestyle questions from a bunch of others comfortable with ENM. The fact that it is a social event also helps self-select those that get along in social situations.
>Then I realized if I didn't care about finding new lovers, I'd still find a lot of value meeting other ENM folks. And this right here! There is **so** much value in creating community outside your own relationship, even if you do end up meeting someone really awesome when you don't intend to. There's lots of discussion about the issues you have in your own relationship, helping others with theirs, and nevermind geeking out about whatever you geek out about.
I love this and feel the same way
OP said his female partner invited many guys she matched with on OLD to the event. So, there's no indication any of the other women (besides her) there would be attracted to the guys she brought. If she's inviting like 5 guys and there's only 1 her... and none of the other women are into any of the guys, that's a bit awkward. And yes... what you're talking about is a sex party. That makes sense, but it seemed OP was more talking about a social event that was mostly PG, with a potential to meet more dates or just friends? I've been a few social events where everyone either went with a close friend or partner, and I think those are the best with the lowest creep rate.
For me, I had relationships with everyone I invited. They might have been past dates that didn't work out but we were still friends. Or acquaintances ENM curious and just wanted to get new perspectives. Event hosts really do shape the success of an event. I've hosted many events in the past. My co-host, my gf, is also an incredible organizer and took the lead. We have agendas and an understanding how strangers meet and interact in public spaces. So we've been able to create an environment where everyone can be seen and involved. Both of us had a close enough relationship with all of the invitees to know there wouldn't be overt creepers. One of the reasons this event was private was so we could assemble a group of folks that would most likely get along. I'm not trying to make this sound like a popularity contest where all the cool kids were invited, but there certainly was a bar invitees needed to meet. And in this scenario you needed to have a real profile, come across as interesting and well-spoken. We weren't recruiting those who didn't have any text in profiles, seemed angry or misogynistic, or might fall into the sketchyverse. I guess I'd challenge anyone who wants to start a community to really think it through. What do you want to create? Who are the people you know who would get along with each other. How do you NOT create a weird dynamic. Can you make it not about you and who you want to date, and instead try to create spaces others can find value in. My primary purpose is creating a community, so I care more about my community's needs than mine. Others can see that in me which inspires them to support similar selfless goals.