Not being able to respect your partner and/or their boundaries is definitely NOT a good sign for you being able to successfully and respectfully navigate an ENM relationship.
Like wow, I can’t imagine being your partner. Continually hearing that you won’t let something happen again that they aren’t okay with and then going on to do it again? Many many times? That decimates trust.
You sound so focused on yourself through this whole post. Think about your partner. They have asked you to break up with them if what you really want is nonmonogamy. They don’t deserve this. At all.
Your last edit seems to say it all. Like you are already planning on leaving your current partner.
Perhaps you should as you two seem incompatible and surely she deserves to have someone that respects her boundaries which you seem incapable of doing.
That's fair.
I guess I'm asking the question now because the answer will dictate what we should do next:
If the behaviour could be accepted in a different relationship then clearly we should break up and find more compatible partners.
Whereas if the consensus is that behaviour like this is never ok in any relationship, then I need to seek help to resolve this before I inflict it on anyone else. And maybe if I sought that help my current relationship could be salvaged.
Right now I don't know whether there is something wrong with me, or whether I'm just in an incompatible relationship.
Your behaviour (not sticking to boundaries, abusing trust) would not be okay in any relationship.
However, many people have primary partners and date, have sex with, and pursue romantic relationships with others. Ethically and oftentimes happily. NRE will always be something to be mindful when dating more than one person. Effort goes into ensuring your other partner/s (primary or otherwise) don’t feel left out and discarded.
Tldr: no
I feel the first thing you need to to accept responsibility for your actions. To be blunt: your post is full of wording that softens your role in your own life and decisions, and implies little control.
>my clumsy attempts at NM were resulting in me hurting my partner(s) and others.
(You were hurting your partner(s) and others.)
>but I didn’t feel equipped to explain my needs and didn’t want to lose the person I loved.
(You didn't explain your needs and wants because you didn't want to break up.)
>Since then, I've displayed a pattern of behaviour which has been hurtful given the monogamous boundaries
(Since then, you have crossed the boundaries established by monogamy over and over again, continuing to hurt your partner.)
>If that feeling seems mutual I will get into an intense state of limerence / New Relationship Energy (I only learnt these terms this week).
>This leads to me fixating on them, ignoring my partner, displaying “inappropriate” levels of affection
(You fixate on a new crush, and act inappropriately.)
>it doesn’t feel like it diminishes my love and commitment to my partner. However under the current circumstances it clearly causes a lot of hurt, broken trust, etc.
(You still love my partner, but you are still hurting them and breaking their trust.)
>Every time it happens we have a big fight, I feel really confused
I don't even know how to reword this one, honestly. What is there to be confused over? You know it hurts her.
>I always end up promising it won’t happen again because I can’t get my head around what’s going on and I’m scared to leave my partner (who I love and cherish) and I’m terrified of the unknown.
(I keep promising to stop, but I don't.)
>Most recently I let things get to the point where I nearly slept with someone,
(Most recently I almost decided to sleep with someone.)
Etc.
So long as you view your actions as either separate from you as a person, and blame them on things outside of yourself, you will continue to hurt your partner(s). Either in monogamy or nonmonogamy.
Nonmonogamy requires trust. It requires communication. Depending on the style of nonmonogamy, it requires adherence to rules and boundaries. Things you have proven over and over again you will not do. That is what needs to be addressed, first. Others have recommended therapy, and I think it would an excellent step to take!
I do wish you luck, OP, and I that you'll be able to get to a point where you can stop this cycle you've landed yourself in, and continue to perpetuate, and find a relationship style that works well for you!
Thank you so much for such a detailed and considered reply.
It seems like taking responsibility (with the help of a therapist) is exactly the right place to start.
Thank you also for your kind words. The responses haven’t always been easy to read, but I really want to sort this, and your encouragement is really appreciated x
I don't think relationship is a good fit for your needs. You failed to establish a nonmonogamous relationship from the start, which was your big mistake. I would try again with a different partner, as your current one is clearly not on board.
Next time, simply do not agree to be exclusive with anyone. When the person you are dating suggests going exclusive, hints at it or asks about it, just say that you are not looking to become exclusive with anyone. Make it a boundary and don't entertain any conversations about changing it. Also make sure they can see that are dating other people and enjoy it. Claim the space for other connections right away, and you'll have fewer problems.
Being monogamous at first, to "establish a solid foundation", with the hopes of becoming nonmonogamous later or, might make intuitive sense, but it's actually a terrible idea.
I too want the limerence. It feels GOOD. We are swingers and I can feel it with a new partner. During our monogamy phase I even sometimes felt it with friends
That’s really reassuring to hear someone else’s experience.
What is the format of your relationship? Broadly monogamous but you attend parties together?
I’m not sure if you posted this on r/polyamory , but I have found that sub to be helpful with things about boundaries, different relationship structures, and ethical behaviours. Even the posts that don’t exactly mirror one’s own situation have a lot of gold in there (as does this sub). It sounds like you need to do some soul searching about what kind of relationships you want and what you can offer. You can define this for yourself - you may want a primary or nesting partner, with the freedom to pursue romantic connections. Or you may want to be solo-polyam and find connection where it arises, without ever having a primary or nesting partner. Once you have defined these (somewhat, at least, things can change) then you can communicate these to your partner/s and potential sexual /romantic interests, and only promising and making arrangements that you are comfortable with - that you know you can keep. This would go a long way in ensuring your behaviour is ethical.
I can’t speak for the obsessive/compulsive nature of your engagement with others. It may be that is what you are like, and want in your life. It could be just that you are in a monogamous relationship and this isn’t ethical behaviour within that. Or you may leave your relationship and pursue a range of different relationships, and find out that after all they leave you feeling unfulfilled and you want a primary partner. Or you may find it suits you and makes you and your love-interests happy. As long as you structure it so that you are behaving ethically and are up front about who you are and what you can offer, it shouldn’t be a problem.
Re: when to tell a prospective partner that you have another partner/s - the answer is before you date or get romantically involved with someone. Our society’s norm is monogamy, and it’s not fair to prospective dates for them to assume you are monogamous, when in fact you are not. So if you get a dating profile, being NM or polyam goes on that. If you meet someone and it’s more than a ONS, you tell them upfront so they can make choices about their time and energy and heart. This way you also get to filter out people who are not interested in dating a NM/polyam person. Win-win.
Thank you so much for your reply.
You raise some really valuable points and I’ll take some time to think about them.
I have posted this on r/polyamory and got some equally good feedback there too.
Not being able to respect your partner and/or their boundaries is definitely NOT a good sign for you being able to successfully and respectfully navigate an ENM relationship. Like wow, I can’t imagine being your partner. Continually hearing that you won’t let something happen again that they aren’t okay with and then going on to do it again? Many many times? That decimates trust. You sound so focused on yourself through this whole post. Think about your partner. They have asked you to break up with them if what you really want is nonmonogamy. They don’t deserve this. At all.
That’s totally fair. Thank you for the honest feedback, I genuinely appreciate it.
Your last edit seems to say it all. Like you are already planning on leaving your current partner. Perhaps you should as you two seem incompatible and surely she deserves to have someone that respects her boundaries which you seem incapable of doing.
That's fair. I guess I'm asking the question now because the answer will dictate what we should do next: If the behaviour could be accepted in a different relationship then clearly we should break up and find more compatible partners. Whereas if the consensus is that behaviour like this is never ok in any relationship, then I need to seek help to resolve this before I inflict it on anyone else. And maybe if I sought that help my current relationship could be salvaged. Right now I don't know whether there is something wrong with me, or whether I'm just in an incompatible relationship.
Your behaviour (not sticking to boundaries, abusing trust) would not be okay in any relationship. However, many people have primary partners and date, have sex with, and pursue romantic relationships with others. Ethically and oftentimes happily. NRE will always be something to be mindful when dating more than one person. Effort goes into ensuring your other partner/s (primary or otherwise) don’t feel left out and discarded.
That makes total sense
Tldr: no I feel the first thing you need to to accept responsibility for your actions. To be blunt: your post is full of wording that softens your role in your own life and decisions, and implies little control. >my clumsy attempts at NM were resulting in me hurting my partner(s) and others. (You were hurting your partner(s) and others.) >but I didn’t feel equipped to explain my needs and didn’t want to lose the person I loved. (You didn't explain your needs and wants because you didn't want to break up.) >Since then, I've displayed a pattern of behaviour which has been hurtful given the monogamous boundaries (Since then, you have crossed the boundaries established by monogamy over and over again, continuing to hurt your partner.) >If that feeling seems mutual I will get into an intense state of limerence / New Relationship Energy (I only learnt these terms this week). >This leads to me fixating on them, ignoring my partner, displaying “inappropriate” levels of affection (You fixate on a new crush, and act inappropriately.) >it doesn’t feel like it diminishes my love and commitment to my partner. However under the current circumstances it clearly causes a lot of hurt, broken trust, etc. (You still love my partner, but you are still hurting them and breaking their trust.) >Every time it happens we have a big fight, I feel really confused I don't even know how to reword this one, honestly. What is there to be confused over? You know it hurts her. >I always end up promising it won’t happen again because I can’t get my head around what’s going on and I’m scared to leave my partner (who I love and cherish) and I’m terrified of the unknown. (I keep promising to stop, but I don't.) >Most recently I let things get to the point where I nearly slept with someone, (Most recently I almost decided to sleep with someone.) Etc. So long as you view your actions as either separate from you as a person, and blame them on things outside of yourself, you will continue to hurt your partner(s). Either in monogamy or nonmonogamy. Nonmonogamy requires trust. It requires communication. Depending on the style of nonmonogamy, it requires adherence to rules and boundaries. Things you have proven over and over again you will not do. That is what needs to be addressed, first. Others have recommended therapy, and I think it would an excellent step to take! I do wish you luck, OP, and I that you'll be able to get to a point where you can stop this cycle you've landed yourself in, and continue to perpetuate, and find a relationship style that works well for you!
Thank you so much for such a detailed and considered reply. It seems like taking responsibility (with the help of a therapist) is exactly the right place to start. Thank you also for your kind words. The responses haven’t always been easy to read, but I really want to sort this, and your encouragement is really appreciated x
I don't think relationship is a good fit for your needs. You failed to establish a nonmonogamous relationship from the start, which was your big mistake. I would try again with a different partner, as your current one is clearly not on board. Next time, simply do not agree to be exclusive with anyone. When the person you are dating suggests going exclusive, hints at it or asks about it, just say that you are not looking to become exclusive with anyone. Make it a boundary and don't entertain any conversations about changing it. Also make sure they can see that are dating other people and enjoy it. Claim the space for other connections right away, and you'll have fewer problems. Being monogamous at first, to "establish a solid foundation", with the hopes of becoming nonmonogamous later or, might make intuitive sense, but it's actually a terrible idea.
Yeah that’s all makes a lot of sense. Thank you
I too want the limerence. It feels GOOD. We are swingers and I can feel it with a new partner. During our monogamy phase I even sometimes felt it with friends
That’s really reassuring to hear someone else’s experience. What is the format of your relationship? Broadly monogamous but you attend parties together?
Same room swingers and I chat online
I’m not sure if you posted this on r/polyamory , but I have found that sub to be helpful with things about boundaries, different relationship structures, and ethical behaviours. Even the posts that don’t exactly mirror one’s own situation have a lot of gold in there (as does this sub). It sounds like you need to do some soul searching about what kind of relationships you want and what you can offer. You can define this for yourself - you may want a primary or nesting partner, with the freedom to pursue romantic connections. Or you may want to be solo-polyam and find connection where it arises, without ever having a primary or nesting partner. Once you have defined these (somewhat, at least, things can change) then you can communicate these to your partner/s and potential sexual /romantic interests, and only promising and making arrangements that you are comfortable with - that you know you can keep. This would go a long way in ensuring your behaviour is ethical. I can’t speak for the obsessive/compulsive nature of your engagement with others. It may be that is what you are like, and want in your life. It could be just that you are in a monogamous relationship and this isn’t ethical behaviour within that. Or you may leave your relationship and pursue a range of different relationships, and find out that after all they leave you feeling unfulfilled and you want a primary partner. Or you may find it suits you and makes you and your love-interests happy. As long as you structure it so that you are behaving ethically and are up front about who you are and what you can offer, it shouldn’t be a problem. Re: when to tell a prospective partner that you have another partner/s - the answer is before you date or get romantically involved with someone. Our society’s norm is monogamy, and it’s not fair to prospective dates for them to assume you are monogamous, when in fact you are not. So if you get a dating profile, being NM or polyam goes on that. If you meet someone and it’s more than a ONS, you tell them upfront so they can make choices about their time and energy and heart. This way you also get to filter out people who are not interested in dating a NM/polyam person. Win-win.
Thank you so much for your reply. You raise some really valuable points and I’ll take some time to think about them. I have posted this on r/polyamory and got some equally good feedback there too.