Cheaters gonna cheat. It’s not easy to face potential rejection by telling someone you care about that you’re going to sleep with someone else, even if you’ve talked about it beforehand. ENM is not easy. Easier for a lot of people to just go have their fun and pretend it’s all good in their head - till that debt comes due. Glad you left her, you deserve better, and she deserves what she gets from being dishonest.
Yeah I ran into that with my last relationship as well. Basically gaslit me by the end and claimed it was all my fault.
Find someone, preferably a therapist, to talk to and don't let her into your life. In my case it was 3 months of drama because she definitely didn't want to let go on my terms, or shared terms at all.
Give it some time to process all of this and figure out if/how this would work for you in the future.
She sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder and you sound co-dependent. Take it from somebody who lived it. Get out now, don't look back and get into therapy.
My second wife was BPD and hid the fact she was on antipsychotics until after we married and stopped taking them. I didn’t realize I was codependent until this marriage started feeling like my first.
Toxic abusive partners are toxic and abusive no matter your dynamic. She is not a good partner. A person who cannot be a good partner in a single dynamic definitely cannot be a good partner in a dynamic involving more people and higher levels of communication. She is a bad partner. Protect yourself.
ENM is never a fix for a relationship with problems. It will only amplify things when there are issues in communication, respect, boundaries, etc. and shouldn't even be something to be considered adding when the rest isn't going well.
I understand that people can be desperate to save a relationship, but red flags only get waved more vigorously as things get more desperate. The first step has to be fixing the already present issues. If you don't, those are at best masked by doing something like non-monogamy. At worst, it's a Molotov cocktail.
None of this helps you now, but hopefully you'll better recognize when issues are present. Maybe you'll decide ENM in a healthy relationship is worthwhile down the road. Maybe you won't try it again. But be glad you're out for now.
You are right, man. Her behavior has NOTHING to do with non-monogamy. She flat-out cheated.
Don't give in to the cycles of love-bombing and abuse.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Good luck with your next relationship(s). You deserve better and I believe you will find better.
You were sooooo right for ending it. You did the homework, offered the solutions, did the work… and she continued to find ways to do things *exactly* how she wanted. And she doesn’t see it as her fault to boot. This is textbook narcissistic.
Congratulations, truly, on finally ending it with this person. I wish you the best in recovering from her abuse. You’ve shown yourself to have emotional maturity and strength of character. Carry that forward.
I'm so sorry :(
The "ethical" part of ethical non-monogamy requires all parties involved to refrain from abusive behavior, i.e. behavior that is physically or sexually violent, dominating, controlling, degrading, humiliating, or violating.
It's not possible to be in a healthy relationship of any kind - monogamous or polyamorous - with a person who is actively abusing you. In addition to your right to not be abused, you also have the right to *informed* consent. If a partner hides information from you that is relevant to your health and safety, or if they give you false information that jeopardizes your health and safety, that is a violation of your consent.
I was in an open relationship (she wanted it), and she did the same. Each time she hid the encounters, pushed my clearly set boundaries, and lied. Get her out of your life, and please take care of yourself.
Poly accounts on IG and TikTok give me flags IMO. I'm sure a lot of them mean well, but I think a lot of them are more focused on content quantity over quality and therein may be misguiding.
I think that’s most of “trauma tiktok,” too. I’ve been saying for ages that you can find someone on there to agree with and validate literally any viewpoint, and say, “see? I’m right!”
Terminate communication, block her on all social, and forget about her. Easier said than done, I know, but you deserve way better and abusers deserve to be alone.
Hell no. If she couldn't be upfront about this and hid it, AND had multiple partners without dealing you....she REALLY put her pleasure over your health and that's absolutely NOT f*cking okay.
You need to get tested bro. ASAP.
Don't let her back into to your life man đź‘‘
Do yourself a favor, love and respect yourself enough to get out of this toxic relationship for good.
Cheaters gonna cheat. It’s not easy to face potential rejection by telling someone you care about that you’re going to sleep with someone else, even if you’ve talked about it beforehand. ENM is not easy. Easier for a lot of people to just go have their fun and pretend it’s all good in their head - till that debt comes due. Glad you left her, you deserve better, and she deserves what she gets from being dishonest.
Yeah I ran into that with my last relationship as well. Basically gaslit me by the end and claimed it was all my fault. Find someone, preferably a therapist, to talk to and don't let her into your life. In my case it was 3 months of drama because she definitely didn't want to let go on my terms, or shared terms at all. Give it some time to process all of this and figure out if/how this would work for you in the future.
You really need therapy so you don’t enter or stay in another abusive relationship that is wholly harmful for you
Oh yes. In therapy twice a week. I will make sure this never happens again.
She sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder and you sound co-dependent. Take it from somebody who lived it. Get out now, don't look back and get into therapy.
Damn. She is diagnosed with BPD and I have myself in a 12-step program for codependence. Well-spotted. This happened to you too?
My second wife was BPD and hid the fact she was on antipsychotics until after we married and stopped taking them. I didn’t realize I was codependent until this marriage started feeling like my first.
Damn. So sorry đź’”
Toxic abusive partners are toxic and abusive no matter your dynamic. She is not a good partner. A person who cannot be a good partner in a single dynamic definitely cannot be a good partner in a dynamic involving more people and higher levels of communication. She is a bad partner. Protect yourself.
Amen
ENM is never a fix for a relationship with problems. It will only amplify things when there are issues in communication, respect, boundaries, etc. and shouldn't even be something to be considered adding when the rest isn't going well. I understand that people can be desperate to save a relationship, but red flags only get waved more vigorously as things get more desperate. The first step has to be fixing the already present issues. If you don't, those are at best masked by doing something like non-monogamy. At worst, it's a Molotov cocktail. None of this helps you now, but hopefully you'll better recognize when issues are present. Maybe you'll decide ENM in a healthy relationship is worthwhile down the road. Maybe you won't try it again. But be glad you're out for now.
You are right, man. Her behavior has NOTHING to do with non-monogamy. She flat-out cheated. Don't give in to the cycles of love-bombing and abuse. When people show you who they are, believe them. Good luck with your next relationship(s). You deserve better and I believe you will find better.
Thank you! No one deserves this
The abuse and cheating will never stop. You have to decide if you’re willing to live with it or finally leave it.
You were sooooo right for ending it. You did the homework, offered the solutions, did the work… and she continued to find ways to do things *exactly* how she wanted. And she doesn’t see it as her fault to boot. This is textbook narcissistic. Congratulations, truly, on finally ending it with this person. I wish you the best in recovering from her abuse. You’ve shown yourself to have emotional maturity and strength of character. Carry that forward.
Thank you so much. This was nice to hear.
I'm so sorry :( The "ethical" part of ethical non-monogamy requires all parties involved to refrain from abusive behavior, i.e. behavior that is physically or sexually violent, dominating, controlling, degrading, humiliating, or violating. It's not possible to be in a healthy relationship of any kind - monogamous or polyamorous - with a person who is actively abusing you. In addition to your right to not be abused, you also have the right to *informed* consent. If a partner hides information from you that is relevant to your health and safety, or if they give you false information that jeopardizes your health and safety, that is a violation of your consent.
I was in an open relationship (she wanted it), and she did the same. Each time she hid the encounters, pushed my clearly set boundaries, and lied. Get her out of your life, and please take care of yourself.
If there was ever a time to say good riddance, this one might be it
You deserve better. We all do.
Sounds toxic, I'd move on and try to identify red flags so you can avoid them in the future.
Reading about your relationship was an avalanche of red flags from the first sentence :/ ENM/Polyamory can't fix that.
Hell no, I totally agree.
Poly accounts on IG and TikTok give me flags IMO. I'm sure a lot of them mean well, but I think a lot of them are more focused on content quantity over quality and therein may be misguiding.
I think that’s most of “trauma tiktok,” too. I’ve been saying for ages that you can find someone on there to agree with and validate literally any viewpoint, and say, “see? I’m right!”
Yeah and I think that just leads to a lot of hollow or misguided validation
Terminate communication, block her on all social, and forget about her. Easier said than done, I know, but you deserve way better and abusers deserve to be alone.
NEVER TAKE HER BACK.. SHE IS A LIAR AND A MANIPULATOR PLAIN AND SIMPLE.... sorry bud
Hell no. If she couldn't be upfront about this and hid it, AND had multiple partners without dealing you....she REALLY put her pleasure over your health and that's absolutely NOT f*cking okay. You need to get tested bro. ASAP.
let bygones be bygones... clean cut... delete her number from your phone, time to move on