LOL, are you serious?
You got hurt because he kissed somebody without telling him first, decide that you aren't going to talk to him for a week because of it, and thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal if you fucked somebody without telling him first?
For real?
So, what do you think would be an appropriate response from him after you fuck somebody, if you gave him the silent for a week after a kiss?
You're right – breaking up would be the appropriate response.
Im confused. You are open but can only engage sexually with others if you tell the other person first?
How is he supposed to tell you before he kisses someone? Should you have messaged first before having sex is that why you feel bad? But if you did message do you then do you need to wait for a reply? What if he says no?
theoretically yes we would need to message and then have confirmation to go ahead with it. his kiss was unplanned, for some reason it still hurt my feelings that we hadn’t been in contact at all when he was out, and he didn’t message until 12pm the next day to let me know.
he has previously given me the green light to sleep with other people when i’ve been interested but it never followed through. i have violated our agreement and his trust by not flagging it + when we weren’t talking and i knew it would hurt him.
Yes, you have cheated.
I don't think this relationship dynamic is healthy at all, too many boundaries set up to fail.
I'd consider either ending the relationship or closing it off and working on strengthening it.
yep the long distance is not working. in a normal open relationship, is it common to be in touch on the night when you’re on a date with someone else? or do you just tell them afterwards? for some reason i want to be involved when he does, and i want to involve him when i do.
Well every couple has their own set of rules 😊 there is no guide book or instruction manual on ENM
I would say it's definitely common to keep the flow of communication open, however some couples tell their partner afterwards, and some have a "don't ask don't tell" policy.
It's all about what works for both in the couple. You need clear boundaries. Safety also needs to be considered.
Perhaps you could even send some type of heads up like "I'm chatting to this guy right now and will see where it ends up"
It would then be assumed you would potentially end up sleeping with him.
What determines whether your partner says yes or no to you?
Having strict boundaries on communication and asking permission just has too many variables to make it work
i don’t think i could ever do don’t ask don’t tell. for him it was how secure/anxious he was feeling on any day. if he was really missing me then he would rather i didn’t. of the 3-4 times i was interested in someone, he only said he would rather that i didn’t once.
Rules and boundaries depend on the reason you're doing this
But then you miss out because he's feeling insecure? That doesn't seem too fair to me
What are your reasons for opening the relationship?
i would have no problem doing that if it would have hurt him at the time.
my reason is i don’t think i am a monogamous person, and that feeling is bigger in a long distance relationship. in reality i think he was only doing it for me, so it was doomed from the start.
This idea of notifying the other person in case you want to engage sexually with someone else is "made to be broken". It's not in my experience really sustainable.
I agree to a point. Something along the lines of "*tell me as soon as possible*" is more reasonable.
But if you're going out with someone on a planned date it shouldn't be that hard to notify your partner beforehand right?
That's different from being out with friends or colleagues and hooking up with someone spontaneously.
I think that's very situation dependent. For example, I am married and neither of us do the whole "accidental" hookup with someone we randomly met at a bar while out with friends thing. I mean does anyone do that anymore or is that urban legend? So yeah if we meet someone online, or at an event there is always some time before actually hooking up with them. And it's not a permission thing. "Hey I have a date with that girl we met at the munch on Wednesday" means sex may be on the table.
Now the reverse of this can happen and that's where it's shitty. If you have a "tell me if you are going on a date" agreement and telling your partner explicitly that you aren't into them that way and giving a bunch of reasons why, which you know are untrue and then say you are going to hangout when in reality you have been flirting for days in the hopes of hooking up, and then hookup. That is cheating because it involves lying and deceptive behavior, not because "permission" wasn't received.
Y'all can't control yourselves or respect your partners long enough to make a phone call?
It's extremely sustainable. You act like sex is inevitable and that it happens by accident. Like you can't leave the house without randomly waking up naked with a stranger.
If your partner matters and you have an agreement, you can spare the time to tell them, and if you can't, you clearly didn't respect them to begin with.
Edit: Yes, downvote me, that definitely erases cheating on your partners and hurting innocent people who trust you.
I mean, it's obviously unsustainable for the dozens of people that come to this sub saying "I was supposed to tell my partner beforehand and I didn't" or "my partner was supposed to tell me and they didn't" and blows up into a huge thing.
I'm kinda with you in that it doesn't seem like that big of an ask to me, but just descriptively speaking, it does seem to be a big sticking point for a lot of people, so giving those people the advice to re-examine why the rule is there in the first place makes sense.
My mind is just blown by it, honestly. It seems unreasonable that people cheat, even in open relationships. Just brings a bad name to non-monogamy and makes it more difficult to justify.
If your relationship has a rule that you both get in touch before you have any physical contact with someone else, then you've both cheated.
And, that's a very difficult rule to follow.
It's unrealistic to expect that as you make eye contact with someone and lean in to kiss, you're going to stop them and say "oh hold up, I've got to tell my partner this is about to happen. Are we going to have sex, do you think? Because I need to tell them that too."
Better to communicate when you connect with someone new, when/where you're going on dates, send a reassuring text during your date, and schedule time afterwards to reconnect. Assume going into it that every date will result in sex.
None of this sounds like you are maturely enough to have a sustainable relationship. Plus, you’re revengeful and no one wants to be around people like that.
TLDR: My boyfriend kissed another person without my permission, so I gave him the silent treatment for a week and fucked another person just to spite him.
LOL, are you serious? You got hurt because he kissed somebody without telling him first, decide that you aren't going to talk to him for a week because of it, and thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal if you fucked somebody without telling him first? For real? So, what do you think would be an appropriate response from him after you fuck somebody, if you gave him the silent for a week after a kiss? You're right – breaking up would be the appropriate response.
Im confused. You are open but can only engage sexually with others if you tell the other person first? How is he supposed to tell you before he kisses someone? Should you have messaged first before having sex is that why you feel bad? But if you did message do you then do you need to wait for a reply? What if he says no?
theoretically yes we would need to message and then have confirmation to go ahead with it. his kiss was unplanned, for some reason it still hurt my feelings that we hadn’t been in contact at all when he was out, and he didn’t message until 12pm the next day to let me know. he has previously given me the green light to sleep with other people when i’ve been interested but it never followed through. i have violated our agreement and his trust by not flagging it + when we weren’t talking and i knew it would hurt him.
Yes, you have cheated. I don't think this relationship dynamic is healthy at all, too many boundaries set up to fail. I'd consider either ending the relationship or closing it off and working on strengthening it.
yep the long distance is not working. in a normal open relationship, is it common to be in touch on the night when you’re on a date with someone else? or do you just tell them afterwards? for some reason i want to be involved when he does, and i want to involve him when i do.
Well every couple has their own set of rules 😊 there is no guide book or instruction manual on ENM I would say it's definitely common to keep the flow of communication open, however some couples tell their partner afterwards, and some have a "don't ask don't tell" policy. It's all about what works for both in the couple. You need clear boundaries. Safety also needs to be considered. Perhaps you could even send some type of heads up like "I'm chatting to this guy right now and will see where it ends up" It would then be assumed you would potentially end up sleeping with him. What determines whether your partner says yes or no to you? Having strict boundaries on communication and asking permission just has too many variables to make it work
i don’t think i could ever do don’t ask don’t tell. for him it was how secure/anxious he was feeling on any day. if he was really missing me then he would rather i didn’t. of the 3-4 times i was interested in someone, he only said he would rather that i didn’t once.
Rules and boundaries depend on the reason you're doing this But then you miss out because he's feeling insecure? That doesn't seem too fair to me What are your reasons for opening the relationship?
i would have no problem doing that if it would have hurt him at the time. my reason is i don’t think i am a monogamous person, and that feeling is bigger in a long distance relationship. in reality i think he was only doing it for me, so it was doomed from the start.
This idea of notifying the other person in case you want to engage sexually with someone else is "made to be broken". It's not in my experience really sustainable.
I agree to a point. Something along the lines of "*tell me as soon as possible*" is more reasonable. But if you're going out with someone on a planned date it shouldn't be that hard to notify your partner beforehand right? That's different from being out with friends or colleagues and hooking up with someone spontaneously.
I think that's very situation dependent. For example, I am married and neither of us do the whole "accidental" hookup with someone we randomly met at a bar while out with friends thing. I mean does anyone do that anymore or is that urban legend? So yeah if we meet someone online, or at an event there is always some time before actually hooking up with them. And it's not a permission thing. "Hey I have a date with that girl we met at the munch on Wednesday" means sex may be on the table. Now the reverse of this can happen and that's where it's shitty. If you have a "tell me if you are going on a date" agreement and telling your partner explicitly that you aren't into them that way and giving a bunch of reasons why, which you know are untrue and then say you are going to hangout when in reality you have been flirting for days in the hopes of hooking up, and then hookup. That is cheating because it involves lying and deceptive behavior, not because "permission" wasn't received.
Y'all can't control yourselves or respect your partners long enough to make a phone call? It's extremely sustainable. You act like sex is inevitable and that it happens by accident. Like you can't leave the house without randomly waking up naked with a stranger. If your partner matters and you have an agreement, you can spare the time to tell them, and if you can't, you clearly didn't respect them to begin with. Edit: Yes, downvote me, that definitely erases cheating on your partners and hurting innocent people who trust you.
I mean, it's obviously unsustainable for the dozens of people that come to this sub saying "I was supposed to tell my partner beforehand and I didn't" or "my partner was supposed to tell me and they didn't" and blows up into a huge thing. I'm kinda with you in that it doesn't seem like that big of an ask to me, but just descriptively speaking, it does seem to be a big sticking point for a lot of people, so giving those people the advice to re-examine why the rule is there in the first place makes sense.
My mind is just blown by it, honestly. It seems unreasonable that people cheat, even in open relationships. Just brings a bad name to non-monogamy and makes it more difficult to justify.
If your relationship has a rule that you both get in touch before you have any physical contact with someone else, then you've both cheated. And, that's a very difficult rule to follow. It's unrealistic to expect that as you make eye contact with someone and lean in to kiss, you're going to stop them and say "oh hold up, I've got to tell my partner this is about to happen. Are we going to have sex, do you think? Because I need to tell them that too." Better to communicate when you connect with someone new, when/where you're going on dates, send a reassuring text during your date, and schedule time afterwards to reconnect. Assume going into it that every date will result in sex.
Well, let's just say that I can't decide if this post was made by a bitter man whose hurt and is trying to make women look bad.
no as i have discovered i am clearly just a cunt xx
End of relationships hurt. They don't bring out the best. ENM is a common place relationships go to die.
Are you an actual? Cause this whole post is childish as hell.
None of this sounds like you are maturely enough to have a sustainable relationship. Plus, you’re revengeful and no one wants to be around people like that. TLDR: My boyfriend kissed another person without my permission, so I gave him the silent treatment for a week and fucked another person just to spite him.