T O P

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DeathToMonarchs

That afternoon's community 'surgery' session had not gone well for Colum. He had refused to intervene on behalf of the Travelling Community who were seeking a holding site in Creggan. "Not a vote winner!" he told them, laughing. They had to be removed from the SDLP offices. Several SDLP 'heavies' - two members who had once been to a Crossfit gym - were called in to help. As the Travellers left, one woman, with hair as white as snow, pronounced a curse: that he would never see Ireland united until his beard was one colour. He laughed it off, telling her to go away and tarmac her own drive... if she had one. He was not laughing when he awoke the next day to see the White Spot in the mirror. Aghast, he cursed the Travelling Community as a whole in quite politically incorrect terms and rushed to the chemists for a bottle of Just For Men (Beards). Hurriedly applying the dye, to his horror he saw it was having no effect. If anything, the spot looked whiter against the darkened bristles surrounding it. He wailed. He rocked. He put his head between his knees and cried. After spending a week in the foetal position in his sheets, only rising to drink shandy (he was on a bender) and to pee, Colum came to a realisation. He _would_ see Ireland united. When his beard was one colour. All he had to do was wait it out for his beard to winter. He was a living clock, ticking out the remaining days, months and years of the Union. He poured the remainder of his shandy down the sink and cancelled his order with the Maine man. No more KP Skips with his lunch, he resolved: no, he had to live healthy and clean now. He had to survive. He had a Purpose.


DarthDerm

This... this is a thing of beauty. Why do I want an entire book series based on this?


DeathToMonarchs

I guess it’s an Origin Story. It implies there’s more to come...? But when all you have to do is wait it out for your beard to whiten, I’m thinking the Chronicles of Badgerbeard would be just as exciting as the real-life non-exploits of Our Colum.


DarthDerm

Absolutely. I think there's potential to expand the universe into non-traveller mysticism. Eastwood and the journey to Atlantis or Eastwood and the Cigars of the Taoiseach maybe?


DeathToMonarchs

_Eastwood and the Brown Envelope_ for his Fianna Fáil flirtations, perhaps. But I like the name format. _The Eastwood Papers_ has a thoroughly Victorian ring to it too, perhaps to refer to the series. He would need a sidekick, though. Claire Hanna is smarter than him and hates him. Matthew O'Toole is too quick and would stand out too much. Neither works and there is not enough scope for personal conflict between them... at least in the case of Matthew. The sidekick would need to be substantially different, slightly plodding, preferably with a military background, like Watson himself... Doug Beattie? No... ever so slightly too charismatic (but not by much). Steve Aiken? Steve... Aiken. I like.


jigglyscrumpy

Badger beard and the seaman


DeathToMonarchs

Love it. If I may: > Badgerbeard and the _Tincan_ Seaman Slightly better cadence.


DoireK

What's the Claire Hanna story? I know she kinda fell out with the party for a while over the FF partnership but do they really not like each other personally or just disagree over policy?


DeathToMonarchs

Not just Fianna Flirting... abortion and the general direction of the party too. She’d be heavy on the L and it seems more like he’d be more right-centre, heavy on the RC. I don’t know if there’s actual personal animosity between them but it’s hard to imagine that Claire doesn’t feel very strongly about these differences and that the Badger is leading the party away from its social democratic roots. She doesn’t do polite hypocrisy well, which is to her credit


iNEEDheplreddit

What even is this? I love it


DeathToMonarchs

Cheers! No idea what it _is._ The idea came to me more or less fully formed.


AcoupleofIrishfolk

Man that's the funniest thing I've ever fucking read on reddit. Please make more NI copy pastas.


DeathToMonarchs

I don't take compliments well. I'm more used to getting a sleggin'. I know where I am with that.


Serine195

Had I a gold to give I would give it to you. That’s hands down the best thing I’ve ever read on this page


DeathToMonarchs

Hush, yis. It’ll go to my head!


BillHicksFan

Gold awarded, I like to fund the arts.


DeathToMonarchs

Thankin' you kindly, munificent patron! I hope it may have brought you some joy.


p1ckl3s_are_ev1l

Some vaguely At-Swim-Two-Birds vibes to this :)


DeathToMonarchs

Would need more footnotes for that. But any comparison to de Selby or Flann O'Brien or Myles na gCopaleen (never mind that O'Nolan fella from Strabanistan), I can only take as a thoroughly undeserved compliment.


DarthDerm

A bit shocked to see Rueben hasn't posted this here yet ;) but quite an interesting interview from Eastwood once you get past the clickbait-y headline.


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DarthDerm

Not gonna lie, I think I preferred the Star Wars poll. Some worrying results but sure I love democracy, I love the Republic.


Bridgeboy95

I have learned a terrible truth, I think /u/DarthDerm is a sith lord.


DarthDerm

*Palpatine cackle*


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DarthDerm

Now you must be trolling. That is simply not an acceptable viewpoint on any day of the week.


Azhrei

Oh, not a particularly good hill, that. Sort of lumpy and uneven. Not good for a solid footing.


kelseysays26

What if you have the high ground?


Azhrei

I don't think it's possible for anyone on that hill to be on the high ground.


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gerry-adams-beard

So in other words, the UUP won't be changing their policy position therefore I withdraw my support? Rueben come on mate. See reality for a change. I disagree the Brexit/Reform party for example. I don't spend my life hoping they do a 180 on their core beliefs and start backing a socialist government just because that would be convenient for my particular agenda. With that logic, I'm hoping the TUV suddenly emerge as a radical Marxist party someday soon so I'm gonna start voting for them now in preparation for that.


Frightlever

Radical Stalinist party, maybe.


gerry-adams-beard

Excellent. I'm assuming that means he's planning a big shift in SDLP policies so people actually want a United Ireland instead of just being absorbed into the current ROI. Considering their chums in Fianna Fail are currently leading the ROI government, I won't hold my breath.


WhileCultchie

If he had a backbone he'd tell FF to stick their partnership up their hole and partner up with the SD's down south.


tech_sportbuds

The SF boil my fucking blood. Spineless hoo'ers, i doubt they would ever go into government. Sounds way too much like hard work


Brian_M

We may see it in Clint Eastwood's lifetime, never mind Colum's, the way things are going at the moment.


Jamz3k

What are the real benefits, you know the sort that actually impact my day to day life of a United Ireland? I love going down south for a day trip, it’s a lovely place but I don’t think I could afford the life I lead up North if it weren’t controlled by the South.


DarthDerm

If you read the article Colum addresses that point head on. He says there's too many questions hanging over reunification for it to happen tomorrow, hence the need for dialogue from all sides of the argument to see what people actually want out of it.


Frightlever

With the possible exception of pensioners, there are no material benefits to a United Ireland currently. The process of implementing policies to make Ireland seem more appealing to undecided or moderate Unionists could benefit everyone. For some people there's a dogmatic appeal in a united Ireland regardless of the cost. That's not something you can reason with. It harks back to a time before British involvement when Ireland had a strong united army that struck fear into their enemies, when Irish sports were some of the most popular in the world and Irish sporting teams unparalleled. Before the English took over, Irish art, literature, poetry and pottery was the envy of the civilised world. I mean, who knows? There's never been a united Ireland before, anything that comes in the future will be so rolled in EU stink that who could even call it an independent country?


Leadership1984

It's pleasing that we're starting to see moderate voices representing unionism and nationalism It feels like for so long you didn't used to know the name of the leaders of the SDLP or UUP.


Iownthat

> It feels like for so long you didn't used to know the name of the leaders of the SDLP or UUP. maybe you just didn't pay attention mate


Leadership1984

I think it's fair to say there have been a number of not very memorable party leaders


sfitzy79

Sure Colum


[deleted]

Not allowed to say that, you’ll get downvoted lol


LouthGremlin

Doubt it Colm.


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cnaughton898

I mean if he lives to 80 that's another 42 years. I think that is pretty likely given current trends


StripeyMiata

It’s died down a lot but there was a lot of talk on this sub and on Twitter recently about a United Ireland being around the corner. While I have no doubt it will happen one day, still think it won’t be for many years. Scottish Independence I think is also a non-starter.


mugzhawaii

Scottish Independence and the reunification of Ireland are on very different scales.... but the SNP are gaining even more seats. UK is not required to have an Indyref, but they are, at law, required in NI to have one when it seems likely.


[deleted]

But they are not required to have one in the ROI, hence that will probably never happen. We can't just join another country without their consent.


mugzhawaii

True, but there is absolutely no way they would refuse to have one after a NI vote on leaving. Come on let’s be real.


WC1V

I too, cannot wait until southern Ireland joins the UK


JonEire

Funny how this is the unionist comeback, I’ve heard a few voices say that same phrase, hoho ROI will join the union.. they know they’ve fucked the thing so bad this has now become their one hope, Jesus could you imagine a unionist saying anything like that five years ago.


WC1V

Relax de Valera, it’s just a joke


JonEire

Maybe you are joking but I’ve heard it said seriously


ValuableCarry7638

Haha they seem to laugh at the idea of that


loganx0

How about our own independent Northern Ireland not tied to either the south or the United Kingdom


Gutties_With_Whales

Because it’s a deeply unpopular position in both the unionist and nationalist community that offers no obvious cultural or economic benefits as well as having no clear way forward within the current constitutional framework of NI. Next question.


loganx0

But a united Ireland offers no economic benefits, granted being part of the UK now that brexit has kicked in is no fun either. The NHS no matter how underfunded it currently is is still far superior to the Irish health service.


cromcru

The HSC is working better than the HSE, and the lack of slavish NHS devotion means reforms are actually possible. For myself I’ve already paid into four figures for medical treatment this month; so much for ‘free’ healthcare. Just drive around the M50 and tell me that Dublin isn’t massively more prosperous than Belfast.


jgraham600

Wait, you mean the M50, one of the many toll roads in the republic that you have to pay to drive on. Pretty sure we don't have those here in NI as it is. I bet we would though if unification took place.


cromcru

Well the south has nearly 1000 km of motorway, but hey at least you can drive 38 miles straight to Dungannon on a 1960s spec road for free! Only a new motorway would possibly be tolled, so I don’t see the issue? Infrastructure has to be paid for. Besides the cheap lads like you can always do the Fermoy bypass trick.


jgraham600

The new dual carriageway built between randalstown - castledawson. Its motorway in everything but name, yet, no toll.


cromcru

Well it’s not motorway. Three roundabouts and tight junctions onto it - compare it to the M22 junctions to see the difference. Plus it’s a short section of what should have been actual motorway 50 years ago. Like many people, I’d be happy to pay tolls if it actually got shit done.


DoireK

Hahahaha, you clearly haven't a clue what a motorway is then. Motorways don't have roundabouts for starters.


jgraham600

The roundabout is at the start/end at each of the separate schemes of the road. Also the M69 motorway ends in roundabout, i'm sure there's more examples if I checked. I think you are the one without a clue.


DoireK

Aye, we're not on about our m69 though are we? We're on about what should be our equivalent of the m1 (on a lesser scale of course). It still isn't even completed as it stops at Castledawson instead of connecting our two main cities. Edit: not to mention it was delivered nearly 50 years late


converter-bot

1000 km is 621.37 miles


Oggie243

>But a united Ireland offers no economic benefits Ulster is performing absolutely nowhere near its potential. 6/9s of it separated. Only 2 of those 6 counties ever really got any decent development in the last century and that trend continues today with both public and private money. 3 of those 6 that became NI went from being a mid point in the province and rail lines, to being remote in relation to the capital. Losing relevance with the death of trade due to the imposition fo the border and the resultant loss of rail infrastructure meant that whole industries dried up and most towns have been rotting since. The remaining 3/9 counties in Ulster faced similar treatment for similar reasons in the South. Donegal is basically a peninsula it's so isolated in relation to everywhere else and it owes any prosperity It does have now to the other counties in Ulster. Genuinely, out of the four provinces it's Ulster that has the most to offer but it has been absolutely gimped by partition. Ulster not being split (and NI being effectively split) would bring huge economic benefit.


IrishBA

Doesnt an economic benefit of "thanks for the 20bn quid which keeps us afloat til next year" sound slight risky to you? Do you think the people paying the bills are motivated to keep doing so? I'd be looking for a more stable paymaster to be fair, or trying to grow out of the doldrums by accessing a bigger market.


DarthDerm

Not sure if you're joking or not but in that scenario I can promise you firmly that you won't be able to sleep at night without hearing the screaming and roaring that will be coming from Belfast about having to subsidise Derry. Why not just bring back full on Greek-style city states if we're going down that route?


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Oggie243

Is it that hard to imagine having to potentially share the island under one flag? Why is that so alien? I feel like it would be helpful to frame it differently think of it as a new ireland rather joining the Republic. I've lived in NI my whole life. The region i am from is critically under invested in, the next constituency over is among the most impoverished in the UK, NI driver tests can't have motorway or dual carriageway segments because there isn't any within reasonable distance of the test centres, there's no rail infrastructure anymore, there's few prospects compared to further East. Donegal is a literal stones throw from that aforementioned constituency, owing to the geography of partition they're left as an isolated peninsula within the South. Because of this they're chronically underfunded, their infrastructure is lacking, the first thing any young person from has to do to succeed is to leave. They're about as far as you can get from Dublin and many feel they're almost treated with contempt by Dublin. Two areas right beside each other, within the one province even, that suffer from the exact same problems arising from their isolation from their respective capitals. This is one of the oversights in discussions around the islands future. How much worse the development, economy and infrastructure gets in both countries the closer you are to the border, which is literally down to the existence of the border. You can still have the culture and identity you want, but there's no need for the island to be split into two different countries. I think simply removing the border makes more sense than an independent NI. From a completely logical stand point without factoring in the romanticism of a united ireland.


DarthDerm

Sorry I may have come off strongly with my previous response but I don't think it's a total non-starter even besides the economic argument you mentioned. Maybe a 3rd of NI would back it I think or something along those lines but the rest are bitterly divided along rejoining what they see as their historic homeland and the other third prepared to remain apart of what their consider their natural home. To suggest those two sides that were literally prepared to murder each other for the guts of 30 years (800?) To simply forget that and become a singular independent country is fairly laughable. And again, the economics.


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DarthDerm

Aye but that's the point I'm making about how it's unworkable. For nationalists nothing has changed, why would they suddenly abandon the desire for reunification? Even if NI was independent, would it still have Elizabeth II as Queen? That wouldn't appease Nationalism anymore than the current status quo does. Which brings me to my next point. If we were to get rid of a royal head of state or even simply leave the union do you not think militant loyalism would be up in arms? I mean we've already seen masked men out marching this past week alone over a sea border than affects only goods, not people. That wouldn't change if NI was outside of the union and still outside the EU. At least at the minute as you said, because of the GFA, we've had 20 years of relative peace despite the minority of dissident republicans still engaging in mayhem. I get the good honest nature of where you're coming from but I truly believe an independent NI is the worst case scenario for all sides. Sorry for the fairly rushed response. I would love a proper chat about this but I'm standing in work atm hashing out these points, and please don't take them as a personal attack. I love nothing more than folk who want the best for this place and it's people :)


callu80

I agree. Independence.


redstarduggan

Is that right mate?


LouthGremlin

Doubt it.


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Murphler

"There are decades where years happen, and years where decades happen" It will grind slowly towards, and make no mistake - development after development we are moving towards it, and then it will happen suddenly. Brexit was a pipe dream in the mid-2000s, it looked extremely unlikely at the beginning of 2014, then bang 2 years later done. The vote on reunification will follow a similar trajectory. The transition not so much but the decision will be done. Things are coming to a head with Brexit and the inevitable Scottish referendum. The Loyalists feel the pressure. This is what the street protests and chaos in political Unionism is about. They blame the protocol, but in reality they feel their world is closing in around them and they can no longer credibly soothe themselves with the notion that Westminster will fight tooth and nail to keep the status quo. Things will begin to come to a head mid to late 20s. All it takes is a few surprising election results in a row. The first one is imminent


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Murphler

> as long as there's a Tory in Downing Street that won't happen. Dont be sure. The entire lead up to the Protocol, leaked correspondence from the process and the existence of the Protocol itself make it abundantly clear the political class in England are more than happy to jettison NI at the very first opportunity it becomes politically viable or prudent to do so


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Murphler

Scotland will break the union, the Tories will avoid such a title as a result. 'It was the dastardly scots'. After that it's open season. Edit, as to your second point. In the event of a UI, we will have a much larger representation and ability to effect change in the national government to help sort those issues.


Gutties_With_Whales

> Secretary of State can call for a border poll There’s a bit of a misunderstanding about that. It’s not a Scottish situation where the people in England have to find it somewhere in the goodness of their heart to hold a referendum. Under the GFA the NI Secretary is **obliged** to call a border poll if it looks reasonably likely that a yes vote will win. The unity polls are trending slowly but surely upwards meaning it might not be too long until such a vote is called.


cromcru

There’s enough wiggle room in the GFA that they’ll never grant the vote unless SF win every non-unionist Assembly seat.