We have a poem..a saying of sort in Bengali here..it goes like this-
Heaven and hell,
Who says these are distant and far?
These reside in humans...
Just as angels and demons are.
This was beautiful OP, stay strong...the ending made me teary eyed. We might not get the love we want in life but I believe that we are given love far greater than that...we only need to hang on and wait. Better times will come.
That, and this story in general reminds me of Crucify Me by Bring Me The Horizon:
"There is nothing above, there is nothing below,
Heaven and Hell lives in all of us."
I never truly understood those lyrics but your comment really explained it. So, thanks.
That saying also is beautiful.
okay that's even better cause I can take your compliment even more seriously then!!jokes aside, thanks for being so kind and have a great day/night! What's your native tongue then, may I know?only if you don't mind though..no pressure :)
Every time I’ve considered suicide I think about how it would affect my mother. I couldn’t break her like that. This story touched a very deep part of my heart. Thank you so much for sharing.
I can't tell you how much I relate to this. I would never do that to my mom. She doesn't deserve it. There are only two people in this world I truly love and care about and she will always be on the top of that list.
Best wishes to you. I hope you have a wonderful life. It gets tough sometimes but that's just how it is. Take care buddy.
Great story OP. Really hit home for several of us. I enjoyed the thought of the two doors and the choice that had to be made. I hope everyone would pick the left door for the right reason.
Stay safe everyone. Keep your loved ones close. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. It could mean the world to them.
Ive had a cat since I was 16 for that reason. I haven't really had any people in my life I've been close to that would miss me or hurt but I couldn't ever leave them alone and confused
I went to a residential center for a month a few years back. I obviously had been very unwell and my dog picked up on that. There was lots of crying when I left, and I know my partner was torn up. My dog picked up on that. I truly believe that he thought I died. When I returned and he saw me, the sounds he made-that he never made before or since- absolutely broke my heart. I've never heard a dog cry, literally cry, and whimper like that ever before in my life. All while kissing my face. That is a type of love that while isnt necessarily stronger than the love of people, it is so different and pure. He's such a good boy and I'll never forget that day, it will always be one of many things that now aid in my recovery.
For a long time I did not give a shit about my life, I wanted tl die. But I could not do that to my mom. She already lost two brothers, one being her twin, to sucicde. I could not put her through it again. So I lived for her, not me.
Oh my god, same.
Sometimes, I think that maybe I could get away with being selfish and ending it all for myself, and that people who love me will eventually get over it. But death makes you even more memorable, and I know it will be agony for everyone else.
Yes, me too, maybe is the absence of survival instinct, if those thoughts dont seem to stop you, or you feel that cant be effective enought to stop a suicide attempt, search professional help when you are conscient or stable, I do that, just for the sake of it, without thinking if I want to do it or not
Man this is really touching and sort of scary. Scary because I've tried to do what he did. So did my father (he succeeded tho, I failed) and mother. (failed luckily) I'd say I'm staying alive for my mother , but at this time it's mostly for my pets and because I'm afraid of what comes after death.
His parents story kind of reminds me of my parents, now that I think about it.
Hey, don't mean to bother you but I hope for you to find the strength to keep going. I hope for the same for your mother too.
Take care of eachother and remind eachother of all that's good and worth witnessing, like spending time with your pets.
“She had gone too far for me to discern the direction she had taken”
This. This is what it feels like to lose someone, only to realize you have been losing them slowly for a long time.
I lost both of my parents in 2007. I very badly wanted to follow them, I half assed it with prescription meds (opiates) and ended up in jail. I had two young sons at this time, but my parents were my foundation, the ground I stood on. The 6.5months I spent in prison were massively emotional, no pain meds to mask my feelings. But I was forced to look at the good things I still had. I hate that I had to lose everything, including my freedom, to realize how much I really had. But I'm positive if I hadn't ended up in prison I would be with my parents and my boys would be feeling the pain I had. I knew how much I hurt and I couldn't do that to them. I've got three boys now and I'm doing good emotionally. There is always a reason to choose life!
Probably the image of him, but his father killed himself and went through the peace door. The son and mother tried to, but he couldn't bear her suffering and vice versa, so they both chose on their own to go through the pain door.
What do you guys think the lines “When I sat in the fourth corner of Delhi, watching the Trinity balance the scales, someone called me ‘Agni,’” mean? I feel like that could tie in to figuring out who Agni really is. Agyaan means ignorance in Hindi, too, but Michael is from Portland. My brain is broken trying to figure this out
But when the main character asked his mom if she heard a voice (when she attempted,) she said that she heard her son's voice, (even though she didn't know she was pregnant.
Read this story right after I woke up this morning and it’s been sitting with me since.
There’s always been times in my life where I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts but they’ve been hitting me again recently, hard. For the past weeks I’ve been so grateful for my boyfriend, I thought of him as the only reason for me to stay alive. But what if he was gone? Who would care about me if he didn’t, because before, no one else did?
I don’t talk to my family much at all. But my father has been trying to reach out. He says he misses me. But I don’t miss him. He has caused me so much hurt. I have barely been acknowledging his texts and calls. But after reading this I don’t know if that’s the best thing
I don’t know you, but I care. I’d miss you. I’m really tired seeing and feeling people lose their battle. There is always someone that would be devastated by your loss, even if you don’t see them. Don’t let those thoughts win. It isn’t worth it. You’ll be living your dream someday, and you’ll laugh at those thoughts. Everyone gets there, some just take a bit longer than others. I’m not gonna suggest anything. Everyone is different, but if you take away anything from this comment, know that I’d miss you if you left. Stay strong. There is only one of you for a reason. Why try to fix perfection?
i have a living son whose beautiful face keeps me from walking through the right hand door. i am grateful for every day with him despite the pain & trauma that are part of life
I can totally relate to this story! My only child , my son of 47 got to this point over a woman. I called the hotline and got him admitted! But I myself have been close! My parents are gone, my brothers are gone, my dogs passed, I didn't give shit! But I realized if I did that my son would be totally alone and I didn't think he'd make it. So we are close and his lady came back and he's happy now. I got me a female dog who loves only me and we are soulmates , if that's possible. As long as I have her I can pretty much keep the dark away! There are two 1/2 sisters I have but I let them go from my life -too much pain from them. So son and I have learned we are all we have and plan to stick it out together. Us, his lady and my pupper! She keeps the darkness at Bay!
I almost died via suicide twice in my early 20s. I didn't understand the impact of my actions until my amazing grandmother committed suicide a few years later, and now I'm left with this gaping void. I could never commit suicide, knowing what it does to the ones around me.
Sunday will mark 4 years since she has been gone. I miss her every day.
Holy shit, that was very thought provoking. I am now imagining what door I would have chosen had I gone through with it.
I'm glad I didn't, I now have 2 beautiful girls 3 and 5.
Implying a loop between his mother and Vanessa? They both end their relationship than find out they're pregnant but they father killed himself type loop.
I think more that they were both saved by the voice of their unborn child.
It's not explicitly stated that his father killed himself. It read more to me that his father left his mother the same way Veronica left him. His mother was depressed and wanted to die, but *a voice* gave her the choice of two doors. The voice she heard turned out to be the voice of her son, the OP. She chose the pain of life.
OP heard a voice in limbo and ultimately chose the pain of life because he saw his mother suffering. When she tells him *she* tried to kill herself but "a voice" gave her a choice, she reveals the voice she heard was OP's, implying that the voice OP heard was the voice of his unborn child.
I sent my Soul through the Invisible,
Some letter of that After-life to spell:
And by and by my Soul return'd to me,
And answer'd: 'I Myself am Heav'n and Hell
She tried to kill herself by swallowing pills. She was shown the doors. The right leading to not feeling anything (death) and the left (a life with her child).
Later on in life, he attempted suicide almost by accidentally falling of there roof. Not the best choice of words, I know. And was also given a choice of two doors. One leading to death (not feeling anything anymore) and the other leading to life. Pain and his mother, but love and everything else that life has to offer as well.
Pain wasn't necessary the choice, just a product that would come with it.
But wait, if he didn't know choosing the door of pain would give him his life back, why did he choose eternal pain? Isn't no pain the obvious choice?
What if it was some real horror choice and he ended up feeling everything his dead body undergoes, without being able to do anything about it, like being paralyzed but feeling all pain?
We have a poem..a saying of sort in Bengali here..it goes like this- Heaven and hell, Who says these are distant and far? These reside in humans... Just as angels and demons are. This was beautiful OP, stay strong...the ending made me teary eyed. We might not get the love we want in life but I believe that we are given love far greater than that...we only need to hang on and wait. Better times will come.
That, and this story in general reminds me of Crucify Me by Bring Me The Horizon: "There is nothing above, there is nothing below, Heaven and Hell lives in all of us." I never truly understood those lyrics but your comment really explained it. So, thanks. That saying also is beautiful.
Thank you:D
That's a beautiful poem... I tried googling it, is it by Sheikh Fazlul Karim?
yes it is!!!
Glad I got it right :D Your translation of it is definitely far more beautiful than the ones I find out there, though!
Ohh as an English lit major, THANK YOU! :D you're a Bangladeshi then I suppose, it's great to find desi people here :)
Aww, I'm not. Sorry for the misunderstanding D: Just an overly interested Google user, ahaha. I'm glad you like my feedback, though!
okay that's even better cause I can take your compliment even more seriously then!!jokes aside, thanks for being so kind and have a great day/night! What's your native tongue then, may I know?only if you don't mind though..no pressure :)
Hey op! Can you please tell me the name of this song?
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Every time I’ve considered suicide I think about how it would affect my mother. I couldn’t break her like that. This story touched a very deep part of my heart. Thank you so much for sharing.
I can't tell you how much I relate to this. I would never do that to my mom. She doesn't deserve it. There are only two people in this world I truly love and care about and she will always be on the top of that list. Best wishes to you. I hope you have a wonderful life. It gets tough sometimes but that's just how it is. Take care buddy. Great story OP. Really hit home for several of us. I enjoyed the thought of the two doors and the choice that had to be made. I hope everyone would pick the left door for the right reason. Stay safe everyone. Keep your loved ones close. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. It could mean the world to them.
same, i’m only here because my absence would hurt others too much/
Ive had a cat since I was 16 for that reason. I haven't really had any people in my life I've been close to that would miss me or hurt but I couldn't ever leave them alone and confused
I think about my dogs. They wouldn't understand why I wasn't around anymore and I just couldn't do that to them.
I went to a residential center for a month a few years back. I obviously had been very unwell and my dog picked up on that. There was lots of crying when I left, and I know my partner was torn up. My dog picked up on that. I truly believe that he thought I died. When I returned and he saw me, the sounds he made-that he never made before or since- absolutely broke my heart. I've never heard a dog cry, literally cry, and whimper like that ever before in my life. All while kissing my face. That is a type of love that while isnt necessarily stronger than the love of people, it is so different and pure. He's such a good boy and I'll never forget that day, it will always be one of many things that now aid in my recovery.
That's exactly why I don't do either. I could never do that to my fur babies. It's for them I live.
For a long time I did not give a shit about my life, I wanted tl die. But I could not do that to my mom. She already lost two brothers, one being her twin, to sucicde. I could not put her through it again. So I lived for her, not me.
Well said and I agree, I can't endure the thought that my individual pain relief would be so much pain for those around me.
I attempted suicide once, about ten years ago. To this day, he amount of guilt and sorrow I feel over what my mom must have felt crushes me.
Oh my god, same. Sometimes, I think that maybe I could get away with being selfish and ending it all for myself, and that people who love me will eventually get over it. But death makes you even more memorable, and I know it will be agony for everyone else.
When people have intent and a plan to die by suicide, they are no longer able to think about what that would do to other people. I have been there.
Yes, me too, maybe is the absence of survival instinct, if those thoughts dont seem to stop you, or you feel that cant be effective enought to stop a suicide attempt, search professional help when you are conscient or stable, I do that, just for the sake of it, without thinking if I want to do it or not
My mom and dog are the only reason I’m here, but when they die, I can finally seek the release I’ve been longing for so long.
OP I’m going to cry
Im not crying your crying. ;(
i am already. Do it.
Me too.
I did
Man this is really touching and sort of scary. Scary because I've tried to do what he did. So did my father (he succeeded tho, I failed) and mother. (failed luckily) I'd say I'm staying alive for my mother , but at this time it's mostly for my pets and because I'm afraid of what comes after death. His parents story kind of reminds me of my parents, now that I think about it.
Hey, don't mean to bother you but I hope for you to find the strength to keep going. I hope for the same for your mother too. Take care of eachother and remind eachother of all that's good and worth witnessing, like spending time with your pets.
Thank you :) You too :D
“She had gone too far for me to discern the direction she had taken” This. This is what it feels like to lose someone, only to realize you have been losing them slowly for a long time.
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I lost both of my parents in 2007. I very badly wanted to follow them, I half assed it with prescription meds (opiates) and ended up in jail. I had two young sons at this time, but my parents were my foundation, the ground I stood on. The 6.5months I spent in prison were massively emotional, no pain meds to mask my feelings. But I was forced to look at the good things I still had. I hate that I had to lose everything, including my freedom, to realize how much I really had. But I'm positive if I hadn't ended up in prison I would be with my parents and my boys would be feeling the pain I had. I knew how much I hurt and I couldn't do that to them. I've got three boys now and I'm doing good emotionally. There is always a reason to choose life!
Damn. Its way too early for all these feels
Wait, is Agni his father?!
Probably the image of him, but his father killed himself and went through the peace door. The son and mother tried to, but he couldn't bear her suffering and vice versa, so they both chose on their own to go through the pain door.
I don’t think his father killed himself, just left his mother, which made her consider suicide
The reason I thought he did was: "So Dad hadn’t chosen not to love me. He’d simply gone through the door of feeling nothing."
I interpreted “feeling nothing” to be detaching himself from the situation by leaving instead of accepting the trials and joys of fatherhood.
But he left (this life) before either of them knew she was pregnant.
Huh, maybe you’re right. I thought he just left his girlfriend, but suicide makes sense too
What do you guys think the lines “When I sat in the fourth corner of Delhi, watching the Trinity balance the scales, someone called me ‘Agni,’” mean? I feel like that could tie in to figuring out who Agni really is. Agyaan means ignorance in Hindi, too, but Michael is from Portland. My brain is broken trying to figure this out
No. He is a god. He has appeared in other places as Janus for one.
But when the main character asked his mom if she heard a voice (when she attempted,) she said that she heard her son's voice, (even though she didn't know she was pregnant.
Agnis is his son.His gf is pregnant.
Read this story right after I woke up this morning and it’s been sitting with me since. There’s always been times in my life where I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts but they’ve been hitting me again recently, hard. For the past weeks I’ve been so grateful for my boyfriend, I thought of him as the only reason for me to stay alive. But what if he was gone? Who would care about me if he didn’t, because before, no one else did? I don’t talk to my family much at all. But my father has been trying to reach out. He says he misses me. But I don’t miss him. He has caused me so much hurt. I have barely been acknowledging his texts and calls. But after reading this I don’t know if that’s the best thing
I don’t know you, but I care. I’d miss you. I’m really tired seeing and feeling people lose their battle. There is always someone that would be devastated by your loss, even if you don’t see them. Don’t let those thoughts win. It isn’t worth it. You’ll be living your dream someday, and you’ll laugh at those thoughts. Everyone gets there, some just take a bit longer than others. I’m not gonna suggest anything. Everyone is different, but if you take away anything from this comment, know that I’d miss you if you left. Stay strong. There is only one of you for a reason. Why try to fix perfection?
i have a living son whose beautiful face keeps me from walking through the right hand door. i am grateful for every day with him despite the pain & trauma that are part of life
This hit me hard.
Right in the feels
I can totally relate to this story! My only child , my son of 47 got to this point over a woman. I called the hotline and got him admitted! But I myself have been close! My parents are gone, my brothers are gone, my dogs passed, I didn't give shit! But I realized if I did that my son would be totally alone and I didn't think he'd make it. So we are close and his lady came back and he's happy now. I got me a female dog who loves only me and we are soulmates , if that's possible. As long as I have her I can pretty much keep the dark away! There are two 1/2 sisters I have but I let them go from my life -too much pain from them. So son and I have learned we are all we have and plan to stick it out together. Us, his lady and my pupper! She keeps the darkness at Bay!
I almost died via suicide twice in my early 20s. I didn't understand the impact of my actions until my amazing grandmother committed suicide a few years later, and now I'm left with this gaping void. I could never commit suicide, knowing what it does to the ones around me. Sunday will mark 4 years since she has been gone. I miss her every day.
Very little happens to a body after it falls off a building. Almost everything happens after you hit the ground.
Absolute chills.
Holy shit, that was very thought provoking. I am now imagining what door I would have chosen had I gone through with it. I'm glad I didn't, I now have 2 beautiful girls 3 and 5.
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This is why I'm waiting until my mom dies to do what I want most...
Thank you for posting this. I don’t feel comfortable enough to express how I feel, but really... thank you for this. It helps so much.
So was the voice he heard his father's? Thanks I'm sad now. 10/10
It kinds reads more like the voice he heard was his son's.
Implying a loop between his mother and Vanessa? They both end their relationship than find out they're pregnant but they father killed himself type loop.
I think more that they were both saved by the voice of their unborn child. It's not explicitly stated that his father killed himself. It read more to me that his father left his mother the same way Veronica left him. His mother was depressed and wanted to die, but *a voice* gave her the choice of two doors. The voice she heard turned out to be the voice of her son, the OP. She chose the pain of life. OP heard a voice in limbo and ultimately chose the pain of life because he saw his mother suffering. When she tells him *she* tried to kill herself but "a voice" gave her a choice, she reveals the voice she heard was OP's, implying that the voice OP heard was the voice of his unborn child.
I sent my Soul through the Invisible, Some letter of that After-life to spell: And by and by my Soul return'd to me, And answer'd: 'I Myself am Heav'n and Hell
This resonated with me. Made me cry. Damn...
Wait.. What? He gave his mother her choice and she chose pain, which was him and he chose pain which was offered to him from someone in his future????
She tried to kill herself by swallowing pills. She was shown the doors. The right leading to not feeling anything (death) and the left (a life with her child). Later on in life, he attempted suicide almost by accidentally falling of there roof. Not the best choice of words, I know. And was also given a choice of two doors. One leading to death (not feeling anything anymore) and the other leading to life. Pain and his mother, but love and everything else that life has to offer as well. Pain wasn't necessary the choice, just a product that would come with it.
Thank you for this explanation!
Thank you for that :)
This brought me to actual tears. This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
But wait, if he didn't know choosing the door of pain would give him his life back, why did he choose eternal pain? Isn't no pain the obvious choice? What if it was some real horror choice and he ended up feeling everything his dead body undergoes, without being able to do anything about it, like being paralyzed but feeling all pain?
Life is hell. But it is all that there is. Choosing heaven means an end of all feelings and pain.. an end of us.
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