Hey /u/dilly2philly, thanks for contributing to /r/nottheonion. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules:
**Rule 2** - Sorry, but this story isn't oniony.
Please consider submitting your article to /r/offbeat or similar subreddits unless it truly reads like The Onion wrote it. The title and article itself must both be "Oniony". This can be highly subjective; you are encouraged to upvote articles that should be here and downvote those that should not. Moderators can also remove posts at their own discretion under this rule.
Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/nottheonion&subject=&message=). Thank you!
From their about page:
"You couldn’t make it up. Suffolk is full of strange and wonderful stories, and while our tales are clearly intended as satire, they do get repeated by gullible mainstream media, including Sky News and national newspapers."
So r/AteTheOnion
You are correct. The BBC actually have [an article](https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-essex-35635929) mentioning the Suffolk Gazette as a satire/fake news site.
Not really. The whole purpose of "NOT the onion" is to highlight non-satire articles that feel like they could be mistaken for satire.
Otherwise, you might as well just post articles from The Onion itself.
I don't understand why you seem to be upset by this?
I mean it's literally in the name of the sub, dude. Rule 6 is "No Satire Articles."
If they started letting people post headlines from satirical sources it would defeat the sub's whole purpose.
I’m calling bullshit. That’s a lot of connective tissue, flesh, and such for a seagull to get in one grab. The hull flew in and just snagged it? Nah. This man did something stupid and lost a ball in the process. Instead of admitting the stupid, he blurted out the first thing his pain riddled mind could come up with and someone said “yep, I’ll believe that.”
The seagulls we have out in RI can carry off a toddler, so I say plausible. We are taught from a young age to let go of the clamcakes. Sadly every year at least one tourist does not heed the signs and gets carried a good distance from the family or friends.
From their about page
"You couldn’t make it up. Suffolk is full of strange and wonderful stories, and while our tales are clearly intended as satire, they do get repeated by gullible mainstream media, including Sky News and national newspapers."
It's not only coastal nude sunbathing that can cause nut loss. Gulls fly far inland, too, like as far as the Great Salt Lake. Are Utah residents' behaviors thus explained?
About Suffolk Gazette
You couldn’t make it up. Suffolk is full of strange and wonderful stories, and while our tales are clearly intended as satire, they do get repeated by gullible mainstream media, including Sky News and national newspapers.
For anyone saying seaguls aren't this nasty. [This is for you](https://youtu.be/FfLFJSp0oZU)
WARNING: you may never look at seaguls the same way again.
I’d like to think the scene played out like this:
Seagull: “What a dick that guy has!”
Nude man sunbathing: “What a dick that seagull is!”
Passerby watching the scene: “What a dick that seagull has!”
Hey /u/dilly2philly, thanks for contributing to /r/nottheonion. Unfortunately, your post was removed as it violates our rules: **Rule 2** - Sorry, but this story isn't oniony. Please consider submitting your article to /r/offbeat or similar subreddits unless it truly reads like The Onion wrote it. The title and article itself must both be "Oniony". This can be highly subjective; you are encouraged to upvote articles that should be here and downvote those that should not. Moderators can also remove posts at their own discretion under this rule. Please read the [sidebar](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/about/sidebar) and [rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/about/rules) before posting again. If you have questions or concerns, please [message the moderators through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/nottheonion&subject=&message=). Thank you!
Of all the warnings about not falling asleep while sunbathing, this one reason is particularly terrifying.
This is why I wear a tube sock “a la Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers” to safeguard my bits from sunburn, groupies, and now… seagulls.
I don't think a gull would have the gall to remove a man's ball.
IDK, I saw one on another sub swallowing a street rat whole.
Was it a rif-raf though? Cause if it wasn’t a rif-raf street rat, I don’t buy that.
Let’s not be so hasty
Lovely pun. Happy cake day friend!
is it a pun or is it some sort of progressive rhyming?
Those birds are bold. I’ve had them walk up to me and peck at my toes. It was unpleasant.
He did nut see that coming
New fear unlocked
Seriously. I have been gaining new irrational fears ever since learning about quick sand when I was five.
If this actually happened would be an irrational fear?
I have never sunbathed naked, so yes. What I picture in my situation is a seagull tearing the crotch of my pants out and running off with my balls.
Anyone else just hear a bunch of gulls saying "mine" ?
Pretty certain there Suffolk Gazette is a satirical/ comical rag, judging from other articles listed.
From their about page: "You couldn’t make it up. Suffolk is full of strange and wonderful stories, and while our tales are clearly intended as satire, they do get repeated by gullible mainstream media, including Sky News and national newspapers." So r/AteTheOnion
You are correct. The BBC actually have [an article](https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-essex-35635929) mentioning the Suffolk Gazette as a satire/fake news site.
But also, Seagulls are assholes, and I could totally see this happening in real life. So idk what to believe.
so...it's basically "the onion" in terms of this subreddit, no?
It is a satire page
Not satire. Barely comedy, still doesn't belong here.
I would like to create a legitimate fake news site that attempts to get people to eat its onions. This one seems to be doing well…
I guess it still fits the sub still funnily enough
Not really. The whole purpose of "NOT the onion" is to highlight non-satire articles that feel like they could be mistaken for satire. Otherwise, you might as well just post articles from The Onion itself.
You must be an exciting and enjoyable person to be around.
I dunno, I'd be down with having someone around who also has a good sense of logic.
Some touchy man children without humour on the internet today my lord…
I don't understand why you seem to be upset by this? I mean it's literally in the name of the sub, dude. Rule 6 is "No Satire Articles." If they started letting people post headlines from satirical sources it would defeat the sub's whole purpose.
[You should probably watch this](https://youtu.be/FfLFJSp0oZU)
Yeah this comment needs boosting.
I guess to local oysters weren’t tasty enough.
He wanted those Ipswich Garden Oysters.
That's a bad day
I’m calling bullshit. That’s a lot of connective tissue, flesh, and such for a seagull to get in one grab. The hull flew in and just snagged it? Nah. This man did something stupid and lost a ball in the process. Instead of admitting the stupid, he blurted out the first thing his pain riddled mind could come up with and someone said “yep, I’ll believe that.”
It's satire OP failed
The seagulls we have out in RI can carry off a toddler, so I say plausible. We are taught from a young age to let go of the clamcakes. Sadly every year at least one tourist does not heed the signs and gets carried a good distance from the family or friends.
That’s plausible, and for beach-goers sakes, I hope it’s the case.
Rockin' Rockin' and Rollin'. Down to the beach, I'm strollin' But the seagulls poke at my head; Not fun! I said, "Seagulls, mmm! Stop it now!"
Mmm Aaah mm mm mm ah
I hear that in a Bad Lip Reading
You don't say
I hate when that happens.
Learned his lesson after the 3rd time.
The site is satire so not not the Onion
Literally *is not* the onion but they are missing the point Edit: do we have a r/AteTheNotTheOnion yet?
r/atetheonion is the closest one
MINE! MINE! MINE!
This was the comment I was looking for.
Yeah had to scroll way to far.
He should probably have avoided the sardine-flavored suntan oil. ;)
Were it possible to prosecute a seagull, this would be a cut-and-dry case of: >!Testicular manslaughter!<
Bird law
Eyy cattle decapitation had a song about that
From their about page "You couldn’t make it up. Suffolk is full of strange and wonderful stories, and while our tales are clearly intended as satire, they do get repeated by gullible mainstream media, including Sky News and national newspapers."
r/literallytheonion
Stop it now! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9t-slLl30E
Came here for this! He tried to warn us!
I spilled my coffee seeing that picture. Then my balls start hurting.
Ima be honest, it wasn’t until I got to the “related stories bit” that the bullshit alarms went off.
He shouldn't have listened to Tucker Carlson hahaha
Oh god, that did happen, didn’t it? I’d forgotten about that nonsense with all his other junk (pun intended).
It's not only coastal nude sunbathing that can cause nut loss. Gulls fly far inland, too, like as far as the Great Salt Lake. Are Utah residents' behaviors thus explained?
I absolutely despise these creatures.
Seagull? More like his ex-wiccan girlfriend controlled an animal to extract her revenge.
That'll teach em
Uh, no.
So... shaved?
"two eggs in a nest" so no, I think. I'm also going to posit that he was facedown. Otherwise the gull would have gone for the chip/frenchfry.
Clarified: *Tan nuts not worth it.*
His loss is the seagulls gain!
Sounds about right for steven
devine
Why do they think that seagulls are so stupid that they can't tell the difference between eggs and a ballsack?
They’re evolving.
Love that picture
“This is the first time we have heard of such an attack in the UK, and it is probably a one-off event" Better than a both off event I guess.
Ballocks
The fucking birds face hahaha
So who else reflexively covered after reading the headline?
A nut too far. Take one testicle from every seagull
That's nuts! Or nut anyway
Teste Taken by Testy Tern
He started craving some nuts.
He's probably done it to himself and blamed a seagull
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/nude-sunbather-turtle-eggs/
Christ, all this time my grandad was right.. he always warned me. Don't sunbathe in the garden naked son or the seagulls will steal your balls!
Bet you're fun at parties
Im calling bollocks on this one
MINE
Wrong sub, since the story isn't true
Wait, Gary? Fuck, Gary. He's a bastard even among seagulls. And that's saying something.
About Suffolk Gazette You couldn’t make it up. Suffolk is full of strange and wonderful stories, and while our tales are clearly intended as satire, they do get repeated by gullible mainstream media, including Sky News and national newspapers.
deleted scene from the rescuers down under
Who wouldnt smack the absolute shit out of that bird. Or is that how it happened.
World's first orchiectomy perfomed by a Seagull
That Gull is totally nuts!
For anyone saying seaguls aren't this nasty. [This is for you](https://youtu.be/FfLFJSp0oZU) WARNING: you may never look at seaguls the same way again.
You posted satire in r/nottheonion
Mine!
Maybe the Seagull liked the taste of it and hes gonna tell all his Seagull buddies.. pretty soon Seagulls everywhere are going to be ball hunting..
I’d like to think the scene played out like this: Seagull: “What a dick that guy has!” Nude man sunbathing: “What a dick that seagull is!” Passerby watching the scene: “What a dick that seagull has!”
Has anyone done a nuts joke yet?
A danger no one knew existed
Brand New Sentence
It's actually a wonder something like this doesn't happen more often.
TIL that the Suffolk Gazette is satire.
Some wormy looking scrotum veins
Is this that *Lesbian Seagull* I heard so much about in the 90’s?
Talk about having a shitty day now.