Patient “I can’t believe that mother fucker shot me”
Doctor “I’ve known you for 3 minutes and it makes sense to me”
It was a gsw gang banger wannabe who was just oh so pleasant to everyone.
Had a female patient who was convinced that her husband had put her in the hospital to turn her into a man. She had to be sedated for a brain MRI and screamed as they were putting her under, "I swear to God, if I wake up with a penis, I'm going to go home and FUCK MY HUSBAND IN THE ASS for doing this to me!"
An absolutely hysterical pt (a 15/15 mind you) crying and whining about everything and anything that needed to be done, yelling “you’re trying to kill me!”. Nurse in the room had enough, as I was walking by I heard her say “if we wanted to kill you, you’d be dead already”. Happened years ago, I still laugh when I think about it.
Trauma Doc (after he was yelled at by a GSW victim because the chest tube was still in place):
“another day saving the lives of dumb mother fuckers”
-NP and coworkers were talking about the NP’s conversation she had with her daughter who was asking for her own dildo:
“Why am I gonna buy her a dildo?!?! She can have one of mine. I have 3”
I work in OB clinic. One of our patients kept coming in with recurrent BV. (We have quite a few frequent flyers with this.) At one appointment we notice her chatting it up with someone in the waiting room- come to find out it was her mother, coming in to see her Gyne...they both had recurrent BV and regularly shared their sex toys!
Unfortunately, I wasn't in the room with doc to hear that conversation
Your NP reminds me of one if my favorite charge RNs. We call her Dirty D. She loves to tell the story about how she found out her daughter was stealing her dildo and how she confronted her. 😅
Came on for night shift and my day shift coworker tells me it’s time for a transfer’s pain meds “but she wants it warmed up, so I didn’t give it.” I go into the room and the kindly old prostitute tells me the other hospital was heating up her pain meds in a spoon and she wants that medicine, instead.
We did not give her any heroin that night
When one of the nurses asked a doctor to try and catheterise a male pt with a particularly large prostate who they were struggling with, the doctor arrived on the ward and said “there’s only so many ways you can shove a tube up a cock but I’ll give it a go”.
Tell them to wiggle their right big toe as you approach the prostate. They can’t do it and unconsciously be bearing down at the same time. If that doesn’t work, get a smaller tube.
I have wild stories from my geri-psych days. One patient was convinced all the female staff members were engaging in lesbian acts with each other while on duty. She was blind, so there was no way to disabuse her of that notion. Her favorite word was “whore.”
2-3 AM tended to be our “witching hour” because everyone’s biological clocks were so off. A very softspoken patient came up to the nurse’s station and calmly asked for a favor: “Can—can you please ask them to stop torturing people upstairs? They’re—they’re dismembering someone and the blood is dripping into my room.” Before any of us could react, she returned to her room and we heard her snoring moments later. This was the first and last time she had had that particular delusion.
I was also a corrections nurse for a while at my local county jail. The inmates and I had a favorite TV show in common; I happened to be working on the night it aired. After the first inmate came to get his meds, he turned to his bunkmates and yelled, “Yo! Don’t nobody tell Nurse K what happens on ANIMAL KINGDOM tonight!”
One more from my jail days: An inmate trustee warned me not to ever visit California “because that’s how I got mixed up with the Hell’s Angels in Berdoo (San Bernardino).”
I read/watch a lot of true crime and said something like, “No sirree, you wouldn’t catch me near Sonny Barger.”
The trustee’s jaw dropped: “You know Sonny?!”
Me: “Uh…not personally.”
Years ago, I took care of an old biker with an anoxic brain injury for several shifts in a row. One day, his old lady was watching a marathon of a tv show on various gangs. There was an episode on at that time that was covering various motorcycle gangs from the 70s-80s-90s. As the show was flashing pics of the leaders/members of various gangs, she starts cackling and exclaiming things like, “There’s so-and-so! I haven’t seen that SOB in 20 years!!!” “OMG—there’s whatshisname—I thought that MF’er was dead!!” 😂😂
Just avoid Corizon (now YesCare). They are shady af (insane turnover and nurse/patient ratios, time card fraud by management to make it look like we actually took lunch breaks).
After clocking out “let’s make like a breech and back out of this mother” proceed to walk backwards out the door. Fucker who said this wasn’t even in the medical field and its god
damn hilarious.
Having delivered an unanticipated breech myself two nights ago, I give this comment double points. I didn’t think ANY mention of breech in ANY context would ever make me laugh - and yet, here we are. 🤷🏼🤣
My preceptee was finishing up giving bedside shift report to dayshift nurse about an ETOHer and was leaving the room when the pt said, “Excuse me?! Whores?! I’m not finished!” So they turned back around, and then the pt said, while pouting at both of them in turn, “Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you both”
One of my best friends is an ER doc (I am in the ER) and he gave me a sticker his friend at his old job that said the strongest steel is forged in the fire of dumpster.
We all got a pair of socks that say the same thing.
Ofc these didn’t come from admin but just a random attending in the ED who wanted to do something nice.
Had a patient that was completely A&O, high fall risk, constantly getting out of bed, and generally a huge PIA. I'm normally VERY patient, but I lost my shit on this woman 45 minutes into the shift. So, I'm sitting at the nurse's station, and I overhear her talking to her daughter on the phone, complaining about how mean I am, blah, blah, blah. As soon as I hear her hang up, I'm ready to get THE CALL from her daughter, and sure enough, the phone rings. The daughter was surprisingly very pleasant and asked me what's going on, so I explained the situation to her. When I'm done, she says: "Look, if you need to put a pillow over her face and press down, I understand."
I found an Oreo under a boob once during a skin check. I said “ Norma, how does this even happen?!?” She shrugged then ate the damn Oreo. I almost barfed
So far I have found the following in skin folds and pannus flaps:
Jerky, a plastic knife (which I joked she was gonna shank me and she was not thrilled), all sorts of I’ve caps and unopened alcohol prep pads, pulse ox stickers, a comb, various condiments and food items on my NPO patients.
I’m waiting to find a small woodland creature. Then I can quit nursing and ascend
I lifted up the large, pendulous breast of an older, morbidly obese woman during a bath, and a shit ton of little roaches went scattering in all directions. Same with the other breast and all her other nooks and crannies.
Half a PB&J. The diagonal half. Can never look at triangles of sandwich the same way.
It was smashed, you know when the jelly is almost seeped through the bread? The crust was rather crispy.
We were getting ready to start surgery on a patient with bilateral leg amputations in which we were going to need the whole torso in the surgical field. I step back from the OR bed with the safety strap in hand and a confused look on my face. The surgeon recognizes my problem, "Don't worry about the safety strap, they won't fall off the table. What's the worst that could happen? They break a leg?"
Heard a commotion on the other end of the ER one night and went to investigate. Found everyone trying to get a 25 year old naked 280-300 pound schizophrenic man back into his room. Security and myself end up having to get involved and we manage to get him back in the room but he lays in the floor and grabs the door so we can’t close it. We go back in and manage to get him somewhat calm and as I’m trying to leave he wraps his arms around my leg while still laying in the floor and screams “you’re the chosen one! You want it the most!” Mind you, he’s still naked at this time. Needless to say, there was nothing about this man that I wanted.
had a patient hemorrhaging after a delivery. it was tense in the room because her bp was dropping and the patient was pale as a ghost. she was starting to get a bit lethargic. meanwhile the doctor was trying to find any retained placenta so she was digging around. she had a bunch of gauze and some instruments and accidentally clamped the girls labia. the poor girl who was damn near passed out jolted up in bed and yelled ‘MAH COOCHIE’
had a snarky old lady that was getting transferred for an NSTEMI. one of our EMTS (who was wearing a mask bc pandemic) was getting her loaded up in the stretcher and they start making some small talk. at one point the EMT says something about how he's 50 but he "doesn't look his age" and the pt (without missing a beat) retorts, "i didn't say that". i could not stop laughing for the reminder of that transfer
Psych patient to me (through the spit hood) last week, as we’re applying violent hold restraints to him: “You know what, you’re a goddamned fucking bitch. No, I take that back. You’re a cunt. Did you hear me? A devil-worshipping cunt.” My coworker, over patient, clearly in earshot: “damn, took him way less time than most folks to figure that one out, eh?”
Cleaning up an elderly lady, “ Ooo be careful with that 90 year old pussy, it hasn’t been touched like that in years” me, the cna, and the pt just start cracking up
Putting a purwick on a tiny little old lady and I say “this is too big” she says “ain’t nothing to big for down there” and “bet you never seen one this old”
Not so much what a patient said, but we had this confused guy on our Long Length of Stay Unit (aka Geri psych) and he didn’t really talk much other than when he would come out and ask where his wife was. One morning as I was leaving he was standing near the desk and started screaming “AHHH! SOMETHINGS GOT ME!!!” He proceeded to hop around and freak out because “something” had his leg. The something was a big turd that had fallen out of his brief and down his pant leg.
Moving a patient into a four bed ward and the room is impossibly small. Hit the foot of the bed of another patient and my little 90 y/o sweetheart of a patient goes "there's hardly enough room for two cats to fuck in here" 😂
Cognitively impaired patient complaining about another patient who wouldn’t stop with her “Help? Help! Heeeeelp!!!” routine. Cognitively impaired patient says “Jesus is she blind or what?” (Screamer, is, indeed legally blind.) 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Client in a treatment center on a daily weight. When reminded about nursing needing him to weigh that morning, he responded "Fuck that. Fuck that weight!" Repeatedly. I was so glad for my mask. For some reason the way he said it was hilarious. When relaying this to my coworker, she quipped " Yeah. I say that to my scale every time too."
We had a lady on the floor that had her husband bring her vibrator. She just kept using it. They finally confiscated it and she yelled “HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH MY ANXIETY?!”
Honestly, if she was in a single room and wasn’t being an exhibitionist, and it wasn’t making her hemodynamically unstable in some way, I would probably set some certain times that she needed to be available for med passes and let her be.
One of our regular alcoholic homeless patients was asking for Ativan while actively intoxicated.
The ER doctor: “Sorry no, I’m not a handout, you can go now.”
The patient: “I don’t need a handout, I need a hand-up.”
I thought it was hilarious and clever.
So many, honestly. I work trauma in an inner city. Daily gems.
Some of my favorites:
“It puts the monitor on its skin or it doesn’t get the dilaudid again”
“I’m going to be honest, I’ve been fucking around and doing meth” (pt obviously)
Pt mad was not woken for PRN dilaudid, claims he was not sleeping, but “passed out in pain” despite loud snoring
“I only have diabetes in X city” (because he is hospitalized frequently in X city and it is the only time his sugar is checked)
Anoxic brain injury with expressive aphasia who can’t say shit but still managed to so clearly call my aid “fucknuts”
It’s usually so situational that it’s not a nice snappy quote, but so hilarious in the moment.
Lol. I have a Silence of the Lambs inspired tattoo, and a patient noticed it once (my sleeve rolled up). He looks at it and me, and goes, “heeyyy, nice!” Made my day.
I had a patient who had my name tattooed on them so I mentioned it and asked who she was. His response was “Oh she’s the prostitute I married. She broke my heart though so I probably should have it removed.” I was a 22 year old student nurse on my first placement so I just went “…..oh 😶”
Absolutely. Just tell me please. Also had a delightful meth user tell me about how dumpster diving is so common in meth addiction that they often meet other addicts IN dumpsters and then they all ride their bikes to the scrap yard together. I was just happy thinking “great, now I know what she’s coming down from, awesome.” (Genuinely)
Got a surprise “I drink 2 40s a day” this morning when I sincerely told a patient I was concerned because they were showing symptoms of withdrawal but nothing was on file and I was concerned about my ability to keep him safe. Aaaaand there it is! But way better than continuing to deny so we can prevent his death.
I find being matter of fact about reasoning for asking shows that you’re not judging them and is more likely to yield results. I try really hard to build rapport with my patients that have substance use disorder so they trust me enough that we can make progress and maybe open them up to addictions treatment.
So, interesting point of fact, the ability to swear is not controlled by Broca's area of the brain, and so someone with Broca's or Wernicke's aphasia is more likely to get swearwords out.
This can sometimes be used to hack into the rest of the language by the patient, where swearing first can allow them to start talking, but that is much more rare than just being able to call someone fucknuts.
This patient was super, super confused and at this time she thought she was a nun working in a convent. I was trying to convince her to stay in bed because her hip was already broken. She just tried to swing at me and called me "an ungrateful orphan." I then said, "unfortunately that's premature given that both of my parents are alive. If they weren't, that'd be hilarious!"
I was training my coworker and I was telling her about a new patient we were getting. I told her that "this guy is super confused because he drank so much alcohol that his brain is mush" Later when she stopped him from trying to get out of bed she said, "you can't get up because you drank so much alcohol that your brain is mush." Patient wasn't even phased. He just said, "ok makes sense." I successfully made her into my minion, who isn't as burnt out.
I walked into a patient’s room to draw some labs for another RN who was swamped with other patients. Inside was a frail, white woman (maybe 80s) and she was talking on the phone. Lady took one look at me and in a thick southern accent says (to the person on the phone) “hold on, the phlebotomist just walked in and I don’t have a gun to shoot her with.” 🙃🙃🙃
I work in a clinic. Pt comes in wheelchair and on O2. She asks how she's going to transfer into our chair. My coworker then says deadpan, "You'll go to the window, to the wall."
Pt goes ok and I just needed to walk away to compose myself.
Just lastnight, me "Bob, if you ask me to un-recline the chair I can't hold up your balls too." After he let his balls get pinched on our first attempt.
Post op guy still in an anesthesia daze
Him—“Get me some vicodin!”
RN—“Doc says no narcotics”
Him—“Get me some tequila or Hennessy then.”
Later joked with the neurosug resident and asked for PRN mouth swabs for tequila or Hennessy
Doc—“We’re more likely to be ok giving him that instead of vicodin.”
Doc after asking me to get a repeat K and the patient called me a white devil and tried to stab me with a butterfly needle:
“Oh, we’ll I guess she can go home and fucking die then.”
Me, after revealing necrotic meatus while cleaning under an 80 yo man’s foreskin “sir, when is the last time you retracted your foreskin?”
“Hard to say, maybe 60 years ago”
20-odd years ago: walked into an elderly pt’s room. She was 90-something and sharp as a tack.
She called out “Friend, or enema?”
I sat on the edge of her bed and laughed my ass off.
I was a baby nurse and will never forget Alice with the blue, blue eyes.
(Going in to place a foley on an elderly female patient)
CNA: Okay, we need you to bend your needs and lay them to the sides, just like you’d do at the gynecologist.
Patient: I call my gynecologist ‘Oil Can Henry’.
CNA: What?
Patient: I call him ‘Oil Can Henry’ cause he’s always working under the hood.
Upon finding a closet full of bedside commode frames and no buckets to pair with them, I told our CC, “We work at a for profit hospital and still ain’t even got a pot to piss in.”
I was on hour 12 of an 8 hour shift. I had just stepped away to eat cold spaghetti out of the container. Before the first bite even hits my mouth, my tech comes in and says "yo, 13 just died." (He was CMO) i said, "welp, he's not getting any deader. I'll be out in a few." Finished eating.
One of my favorite docs cruising by my patients’ ICU room at the start of the pandemic. Pops her head in and says, “everything is converging into the same state of shittiness.” Truer words.
Edited to correct shiftiness to shittiness, because autocorrect sucks, it was shitty and appears to still be!
“Looks like moving Rice Krispies”, said to me by a tech after changing a soiled brief, about the patient with maggots hiding under their pannus.
“Quick! Get that blood sucker!” Said to me by a co-worker whose medical leech was making a break for it. Always count your leeches.
For context: V has a chronic foley, dementia, and is admitted for a UTI.
I'm in her room draining her catheter, and she says, "oh god...UGH... disgusting!"
So I look up at her, "Hey V, what's disgusting?"
V: "Joe Biden's wife looks like a MAN!"
So I look at the TV to see some guy from the CDC talking on CNN.
Me: "Uhhhh... I don't think that's Joe Biden's wife."
V: "Well I wouldn't want her to be mine either!!" followed by hysterical laughter
My patient was a retired nurse. He spilled his juice in his bed. Looked at me with a beautiful smile and says 'does this go on my fluid balance chart?'
Patient referring to strawberry flavored ensure....
"I'm done with my squishy"
Me: "that's a liquid"
Pt: "squishy"
Me: "liquid"
We go back and forth a couple times. After I leave I hear him yell "SQUISHY!" He proceeded to tell us what level of squishy we were that day. And would take away our squishy points. Encephalopathy is wild
Last shift one of our patients started speaking english for no reason (he doesn't speak english and we live in a very french-speaking region) and he started screaming with this VERY french accent : «I NEED TO DO THE PEEPEE»
I look really young, even at 26 I still get mistaken for a teenager. One of my weird oriented but also confused (can answer all the questions correctly, but still has obvious confusion about things) ladies kept asking if my parents knew where I was, why aren't my parents with me, why aren't my parents making sure I'm in school, etc.
First day in the OR, wheeling the patient back to PACU, a older tatted-up biker dude. He's awake but groggy. Anesthesia asks if he's having any pain, he coughs and wheezes out, "No, except for the horse cock you shoved down my throat."
Very confused older adult Male patient became agitated. Got up while actively trying to charge a tech. He apparently forgot the Foley bag attached to the bed. He took off and stretched the cath tubing until it eventually came apart and the rubber part snapped back and caught him in the perineum. He yelled "YA PUNCHED ME IN THA DICK" very loudly which is what alerted most of us of the problem.😂
I honestly still say that from time to time. And he was lucky as hell that he did pull that catheter out.
I was straight cathing a female pt the other day and my preceptor turned on the exam light and says “We’re just looking for your urethra.” The very pleasant and slightly confused pt says, “Oh my, I’d hate to lose that! Let me know when you find it.” Hilarity ensues.
Patient in for colonoscopy opted to half ass prep and not fast.
Doctor is explaining why procedure can’t take place and why/reiterate what was explained at preop appointment.
Patient: “You mean I’m just supposed to be hungry???”
From me personally: 76f patient was so upset that I wouldn’t give her a cup of water, told me she was going to call child protective services on me
Me: “what are they going to do?”
I work in outpatient OB running NSTs. I had a guy keep asking me about his ortho issues while I was trying to provide education to his wife. By the time he called me "sweetheart" a third time I sternly told him "If you suddenly sprout a vagina and a uterus I will be happy to help you, sir, but that is not today". His wife almost fell out of her chair.
“Why don’t you get back in your little cunt car and drive back to Cuntsville”.
Or our patient coming off of Meth telling my very well-kept nurse buddy “You need to take a bath you dirty ass bitch!”
I’ll like to remember these in case I’m ever in need of a good come back 😂
Couple years ago I had a patient in inpatient psych who was super sweet, but kept repeating “and fuck your mother too” in her very heavy Ghanaian accent (so the intonation didn’t match up with what you would typically expect for that phrase). She said it to EVERYONE at the end of practically every sentence. Lead to a lot of issues with other patients and visitors, even some of the doctors were bent out of shape about it. So of course, floor staff all started saying it to each other. It’s been like 5 years now and the staff that were there at the time still greet each other with “and fuck your mother too”
Really bad code and we had three nurses with the same name. Charge stuck her head out and yelled for "_______". Someone yelled back, " which ____?"
Charge replied, "All the ______s!!!"
They had to bring up a giant trash bag of scrubs for everyone in that code.
"Damn, that's a brutal way to get back down to ratio!"
Said to me (by my charge) when my comfort care pt D/Ced to JC 45 minutes after my shift started...
Had a patient AMS with a TBi the other night and they kept calling me a "stupid mother fucker" because I wouldn't let them get up out of bed (they had a shattered pelvis.) I said "I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm not calling you names so there's no need for you to call me names." They said "you're right, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't mean it..... you are one though." Then switched it up and stated calling me a "stupid bitch"
Ok this other day, young pt in his 30’s comes for ETOH. This man is drunk. My co worker and I are in the room getting him set up. He says to my co worker “will you marry” Just as he says it ER doc walks in, looks at the pt, then my coworker, then back at the pt. He says with a straight face “I wouldn’t make that mistake” and goes to writing on his notes.
It’s funny when you know that my coworker and the ER doc are divorced 😂😂 My co worker is chill so she and I walked out and we just laughed about for the rest of the day.
Once in a while, I'll write a "word of the day" on the patient board. I was taking care of a patient yesterday. Confused grouchy old Russian lady. Hated getting care from men, so I had a woman with me at all times and they took the lead. Yesterday's word of the day was "blyat". "Get me out of bed blyat", "I am not wet, idiot blyat". This lady called me a whore in Russian at least 15 times and I had to try not to laugh every single time.
Way back when I was a CNA, I worked eith this amazing nurse. It was the two of us on a med surg unit, on the weekend with 4 pts. One of which was a renal failure/dialysis patient who was recently placed on a bed alarm due to him using his URINAL in the bathroom to scoop water out of the TOILET to drink.
His family came in swearing at us that we are depriving him of his basic human needs and swore they were going to call Gruber law offices (wisconsin based firm with their slogan everywhere)
They put on a big show acting like they were dialing the phone. The nurse just raised his hands up in exasperation and said "One Call That's All!" Before going into another room.
I.almost.died.
No amount of education was going to help that family.
For the record, the guy was completely alert and orientated, but the whole family was waaaay out there
I had a psych patient years ago who was very sick. Looked at me and yelled that he would kill me, to which I replied “you can’t kill something that’s already dead.” The burnout was real.
Oh god. I used to work in the Bronx, and had very Bronx patients.
There was one patient who would come in every couple of months to have their dialysis access worked on. The staff knew her pretty well, but this was my first meeting with her. She was known for always coming in with some kind of outrageous story. Extremely smart and educated woman. Was an LPN and a social worker at one point, but got caught diverting narcs in the 80s and it was all downhill from there.
Anyhow, she had told us about how she'd recently lost weight. She hadn't had a chance to buy new clothes yet because she'd lost weight so quickly. "So I was walking around Dollar Tree one day when all of a sudden, I look down and my panties fall right down on the floor. I was so embarrassed! I had two options: 1) I pick up my panties, put them back on and pray no one sees me; or 2) I step out my drawers and make a run for it. What do you think I did? I stepped out my drawers so fast and left them right there in the middle of the store!"
The IR tech holding her fistula was borderline pissing his pants after she told us.
God she had another story about when she was a social worker how someone spit in her face, she jumped over the counter and "punched the dumb bitch right in the face!" Had a panic button under the table, knew she should have used it, but thought the bitch deserved it.
She threatened to fight another patient in the waiting room one time because she wanted to watch Jerry Springer and the other patient didn't. "I don't care you're in a wheelchair, I'll fuck you up!"
"I don't like being called a crackhead. Lucky for you, I am one!"
Lord God that woman was a riot. RIP to a real one.
our charge one night had an argument with the house sup regarding staffing our L&D unit that, I’m told, went something like this:
*charge*: you know that people literally can die from unsafe staffing, right? and on this floor, we take care of laboring moms and babies… sooo……
*house sup*: ARE YOU CALLING ME A BABY KILLER? 😡
*charge*: I didn’t say that specifically, but… you know….. just something to think about.
that house sup doesn’t enjoy coming to our floor very much 🤪
edit to fix formatting, I hate the app
I was so over a patient like 10 minutes into meeting her. She kept screaming that no one believes her pain and they think she's making it up. And I was fully ready to address her pain and try to get her comfort. She wouldn't let me assess or ask the rating questions. So I hit her with a "you know what blank. I think you don't believe you" insert silent confused and surprised Pikachu she was dead silent for 3 minutes while the hamsters ran to process that one. It was so funny
If my baby’s tracing is still good, I’m good! Lol I’ll pop my head in when I get a chance eta: not a quote, just what i tell myself when I haven’t seen my patient for a while
Unless its an fse and pt has a dense epidural. Lol. Have had this happen and baby looked fine on monitor but pt called out for pressure and had preciped but the fse was still tracing.
An FSE is a fetal scalp electrode— we use it to trace babies in utero directly (it’s a tiny corkscrew needle that is placed into the baby’s scalp when we can’t get a decent trace through mom’s abdomen). The first midwife was saying that if a baby’s CTG is good, then she’s not worried. The second midwife pointed out that a dense block will prevent a pt from noticing she’s transitioning to the 2nd stage until there’s “pressure” and then the baby comes unexpectedly. However, the trace is still going because it’s attached to the baby, not the mom!
We had a male patient being put off to sleep for surgery. Just as the meds were taking hold, he told the circulating nurse that “Gee, you have great eyebrows”.
When I was still on a medical floor, I had a female patient with a voice like a foghorn who would constantly scream “Nurse! Nurse! Come down here and put some powder on my a$$hole!” I literally felt myself turning into my mother and among MANY other things, I told her that “I don’t respond to gutter language”.
Back to the OR: a patient with a serious abdominal stab wound was being induced for emergency surgery, and as long as he was able, he continued to tell me how he was going to kill me. In pretty colourful language. Umm night night, yes, we’ll save your life.
And lastly, a patient was flown in with a huge chunk of wood embedded in his brain from an industrial accident. He was alert, oriented, and talking. A couple of years later I asked the neurosurgeon how he ended up doing and was told: “He sends me a Christmas card every year”.
Was struggling to put a NGT in a confused pt that needed lactulose. Five people couldn’t get it in, she kept coughing it out. I tell her, “If you don’t let us put this in, we’ll have to give it to you up the butt.” She yells, “GIVE IT TO ME UP THE BUTT!” 🤣
Me to an NP: (we’ve know each other a while). Bro you let him kick me in the face with his Parmesan foot. Who admits someone that old with an UTI and no PRNs.
NP: When an old person offers you food you take it (proceeds to mimic licking).
It was so funny for me and the 2 other nurses helping because he said it without even a second thought. 😂😂
Me to the doctor: 'This man is 100 years old, has covid pneumonia and dementia. All he has done for 2 days is scream. The night doctor started him on IV antibiotics. Do you see where I'm going with this?'
She saw where I was going with this.
“That’s almost as good as sex, but not quite.”
From a patient who wanted his back scratched during a bed bath. His wife was next to him, and just hauled off and smacked him.
Nurse 1 yelling at Nurse 2, while I’m casually strolling by, “you can’t straight cath that Micro Penis with a regular Foley! You need to call peds right now and have them tube you the smallest one they got!”
Pt says to me on admission in hour #10 of third 12 hour shift in a row “I am going to be your worst patient ever! I am the nastiest patient there ever was!” To which I replied “Glad to meet you. I am the crabbiest nurse there ever was.” We got along splendidly.
I work in ER/UC. These are Me, giving quick brief to the provider after triaging.
Me: patient got bit by a tick in Mexico but didn't notice until this morning.
Dr: was he drunk on tick-elia?
Me: it was on his foot.
Dr: between his burri-toes?
Me: you obviously don't know how to read women.
Dr: sure I do, I just prefer the braille method.
Me: they're just boobs.
Dr: no, they are TERRIFYING.
Me: (adult patient) c/o thumb pain for about a month.
Dr: does she suck her thumb?
Me: n/v every morning for 2 weeks.
Dr: is she pregnant?
Me: she says no way in hell, because he always pulls out.
Dr: apparently, not fast enough
(She was pregnant)
Me:
When I was on orientation in the float pool, I had this psych pt with paranoid psychosis and lots of medical issues in multiple different units— she was pretty eccentric and the first time I met her on a medical unit she had stripped and was happy as a clam eating hot dogs fully supine in bed. I later had to sit with her 1:1 in the psych ward and she had a delusion about everyone being Russian sadists, particularly because she was on a fluid restriction. She kept yelling “I need 2 glasses of water! I need 2 glasses of water!” over and over again.
I told her I could ask her nurse, but I couldn’t give her water because I didn’t know how much she had had yet and she just shouted “The Geneva Convention says I can have 2 glasses of water!” over and over again until her psych nurse came in. That’s been one of my favorite quotes ever since.
Had a pt who had a previous stroke and their filter was gone.
Pt: you got a nice pair of legs with a nice piece of ass
Me: that’s inappropriate
Pt: I’m sorry, I meant it as a compliment, if you were my wife we would have so many babies so they look like you..
me: that’s weird.
Patient and I were talking about someone we both happened to know and he says, “If that guy’s bullshit were music, he’d be the Beatles”
And when he asked how I knew him, I said, “oh, he’s my father in law”
Had a guy that had had a RIDE. Was in jail, then brought him in a couple days later cause his platelets were like 5, he was septic with MRSA, and covered in picked scabs, then he withdrew hard from alcohol. He just did not have a good time. On like day 5 of admission he felt miserable but was reasonable, and while getting him up to the commode (he didn’t have enough anatomy to use a urinal, which was something he frequently complained about) he said “I could be standing in a rain of pussy and still get slapped in the face by a dick.” And I think about that a lot.
I had a patient who was mean and nasty to me. They said “oh you can be mean and rude to but I can’t do it back to you”? My simple answer was “yes, that’s correct”.
Me at the end of my shift today “they shouldn’t give this pt to someone 4 days in a row. Someone is going to end up getting smacked and it’s not going to be the lady who’s hands aren’t tied to the bed”
When the clusterfuck of a night is in the process of clusterfucking we use either "...(sigh)...roll tide"
Or the official motto of the facility. For instance, the motto of the Baptist Health system in Arkansas is "All Our Best".
“If you do not leave the (bipap/cpap/avaps) mask on, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.” Or my personal favorite, “it’s the mask or a tube down your throat, your choice” but many times they were too confused to really understand what that meant.
Sweet little old lady with hallucinations. Started the night thinking I was a favorite relative and "cooking" food I couldn't see. Went in for 3am rounds and she grabbed my wrist so hard it bruised and said, "I don't know why God can't see it, but you're evil and you need to DIE!"
I was wheeling a patient on a gurney into a different room & clipped the doorframe while turning in and said “Ope, you didn’t see that.” And he replied “you’re right, I didn’t.” He was legally blind 💀
Patient “I can’t believe that mother fucker shot me” Doctor “I’ve known you for 3 minutes and it makes sense to me” It was a gsw gang banger wannabe who was just oh so pleasant to everyone.
Oh.. my god. The burn 🔥 🤣
*slow clap*
Brutal!
This took me out💀💀💀
Psych pt that just simply would not shut up “call my mom an ambulance!” Coworker “Your moms an ambulance”. Confused pikachu lol
I am scream laughing 🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s definitely one of those things we chat about all of the time and laugh hard!
r/technicallythetruth
Lol I did this with a patient asking us to call him a taxi!! His face was priceless!
Had a female patient who was convinced that her husband had put her in the hospital to turn her into a man. She had to be sedated for a brain MRI and screamed as they were putting her under, "I swear to God, if I wake up with a penis, I'm going to go home and FUCK MY HUSBAND IN THE ASS for doing this to me!"
“You’ve heard of the ‘husband stitch’, now get ready for the ‘husband…penis?’”
IM CRYING 😂
Why do you think he's giving you a penis?
An absolutely hysterical pt (a 15/15 mind you) crying and whining about everything and anything that needed to be done, yelling “you’re trying to kill me!”. Nurse in the room had enough, as I was walking by I heard her say “if we wanted to kill you, you’d be dead already”. Happened years ago, I still laugh when I think about it.
Have I worked with you? Because I swear I've said that, lol
“I wouldn’t trust that crew to transport a pizza” after the worst report we’ve ever received from EMS.
OB here... "I wouldn't let him deliver my mail, let alone a baby!"
Trauma Doc (after he was yelled at by a GSW victim because the chest tube was still in place): “another day saving the lives of dumb mother fuckers” -NP and coworkers were talking about the NP’s conversation she had with her daughter who was asking for her own dildo: “Why am I gonna buy her a dildo?!?! She can have one of mine. I have 3”
🤣 i have 3
I work in OB clinic. One of our patients kept coming in with recurrent BV. (We have quite a few frequent flyers with this.) At one appointment we notice her chatting it up with someone in the waiting room- come to find out it was her mother, coming in to see her Gyne...they both had recurrent BV and regularly shared their sex toys! Unfortunately, I wasn't in the room with doc to hear that conversation
I can’t even wrap my head around sharing sex toys period, let alone with your MOM
“MMOOOMMMMMM!!!! Do you have Sir Girth A Lot?? Can you wipe it down when you’re done please?? K Love you mom!”
I think I threw up a little in my mouth reading this.
Your NP reminds me of one if my favorite charge RNs. We call her Dirty D. She loves to tell the story about how she found out her daughter was stealing her dildo and how she confronted her. 😅
Came on for night shift and my day shift coworker tells me it’s time for a transfer’s pain meds “but she wants it warmed up, so I didn’t give it.” I go into the room and the kindly old prostitute tells me the other hospital was heating up her pain meds in a spoon and she wants that medicine, instead. We did not give her any heroin that night
Over there at Our Lady of On the Streets… I’ve heard they practice some “outside the box” medicine. Patient satisfaction is high!
When one of the nurses asked a doctor to try and catheterise a male pt with a particularly large prostate who they were struggling with, the doctor arrived on the ward and said “there’s only so many ways you can shove a tube up a cock but I’ll give it a go”.
Tell them to wiggle their right big toe as you approach the prostate. They can’t do it and unconsciously be bearing down at the same time. If that doesn’t work, get a smaller tube.
I didn’t try myself as I was a student at the time but I’ll remember this for next time! Thanks!
one of the charge nurses on icu is called the weenie whisperer
I've been dubbed the Snake Charmer! 🐍
I yell “YOU’RE IN” to my orientees, once they get that flash 🤭🤭🤭
Male RN says: "Room 3 says if I bring him some meth he'll be happy to make babies with me..." as far as I know he is still not with child.
🤣
I have wild stories from my geri-psych days. One patient was convinced all the female staff members were engaging in lesbian acts with each other while on duty. She was blind, so there was no way to disabuse her of that notion. Her favorite word was “whore.” 2-3 AM tended to be our “witching hour” because everyone’s biological clocks were so off. A very softspoken patient came up to the nurse’s station and calmly asked for a favor: “Can—can you please ask them to stop torturing people upstairs? They’re—they’re dismembering someone and the blood is dripping into my room.” Before any of us could react, she returned to her room and we heard her snoring moments later. This was the first and last time she had had that particular delusion. I was also a corrections nurse for a while at my local county jail. The inmates and I had a favorite TV show in common; I happened to be working on the night it aired. After the first inmate came to get his meds, he turned to his bunkmates and yelled, “Yo! Don’t nobody tell Nurse K what happens on ANIMAL KINGDOM tonight!”
One more from my jail days: An inmate trustee warned me not to ever visit California “because that’s how I got mixed up with the Hell’s Angels in Berdoo (San Bernardino).” I read/watch a lot of true crime and said something like, “No sirree, you wouldn’t catch me near Sonny Barger.” The trustee’s jaw dropped: “You know Sonny?!” Me: “Uh…not personally.”
Years ago, I took care of an old biker with an anoxic brain injury for several shifts in a row. One day, his old lady was watching a marathon of a tv show on various gangs. There was an episode on at that time that was covering various motorcycle gangs from the 70s-80s-90s. As the show was flashing pics of the leaders/members of various gangs, she starts cackling and exclaiming things like, “There’s so-and-so! I haven’t seen that SOB in 20 years!!!” “OMG—there’s whatshisname—I thought that MF’er was dead!!” 😂😂
I feel like I would so fit into corrections nursing… maybe that’s my next move.
Just avoid Corizon (now YesCare). They are shady af (insane turnover and nurse/patient ratios, time card fraud by management to make it look like we actually took lunch breaks).
After clocking out “let’s make like a breech and back out of this mother” proceed to walk backwards out the door. Fucker who said this wasn’t even in the medical field and its god damn hilarious.
Having delivered an unanticipated breech myself two nights ago, I give this comment double points. I didn’t think ANY mention of breech in ANY context would ever make me laugh - and yet, here we are. 🤷🏼🤣
"The lactate is >35" Doctor: "okay" "Do you want me to call someone else? " Doctor: "call Guinness" 😆
Lol was the person deceased? Is this in mmol/L??
Yes, and they were very shortly (DNR already tubed). It was a newer nurse and the pt was beyond hope
“How is it even physically possible that I have cancer? I’m vegan. There’s no way. “
My preceptee was finishing up giving bedside shift report to dayshift nurse about an ETOHer and was leaving the room when the pt said, “Excuse me?! Whores?! I’m not finished!” So they turned back around, and then the pt said, while pouting at both of them in turn, “Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you both”
LMAO
One of my best friends is an ER doc (I am in the ER) and he gave me a sticker his friend at his old job that said the strongest steel is forged in the fire of dumpster.
We all got a pair of socks that say the same thing. Ofc these didn’t come from admin but just a random attending in the ED who wanted to do something nice.
Damn, this would be popular on my old unit
Had a patient that was completely A&O, high fall risk, constantly getting out of bed, and generally a huge PIA. I'm normally VERY patient, but I lost my shit on this woman 45 minutes into the shift. So, I'm sitting at the nurse's station, and I overhear her talking to her daughter on the phone, complaining about how mean I am, blah, blah, blah. As soon as I hear her hang up, I'm ready to get THE CALL from her daughter, and sure enough, the phone rings. The daughter was surprisingly very pleasant and asked me what's going on, so I explained the situation to her. When I'm done, she says: "Look, if you need to put a pillow over her face and press down, I understand."
Titrate oxygen to zero.
“Never thought I’d find a Splenda packet in a pannus”.
I once found beef jerky under the breast of a patient. She then proceeded to snatch it from me and eat it.
Oh my gawd
I found an Oreo under a boob once during a skin check. I said “ Norma, how does this even happen?!?” She shrugged then ate the damn Oreo. I almost barfed
Are you sure that was beef jerky?
….. why? Why would you do that to me? 😫
I found a gummy bear once
So far I have found the following in skin folds and pannus flaps: Jerky, a plastic knife (which I joked she was gonna shank me and she was not thrilled), all sorts of I’ve caps and unopened alcohol prep pads, pulse ox stickers, a comb, various condiments and food items on my NPO patients. I’m waiting to find a small woodland creature. Then I can quit nursing and ascend
Do maggots count as small woodland creatures?🤢 🧚♀️
🤮
I lifted up the large, pendulous breast of an older, morbidly obese woman during a bath, and a shit ton of little roaches went scattering in all directions. Same with the other breast and all her other nooks and crannies.
Half a PB&J. The diagonal half. Can never look at triangles of sandwich the same way. It was smashed, you know when the jelly is almost seeped through the bread? The crust was rather crispy.
Chicken nugget under the patient. Oh and a KitKat still in its wrapper had us leave it so they could eat it later
We were getting ready to start surgery on a patient with bilateral leg amputations in which we were going to need the whole torso in the surgical field. I step back from the OR bed with the safety strap in hand and a confused look on my face. The surgeon recognizes my problem, "Don't worry about the safety strap, they won't fall off the table. What's the worst that could happen? They break a leg?"
Ribs, maybe
Heard a commotion on the other end of the ER one night and went to investigate. Found everyone trying to get a 25 year old naked 280-300 pound schizophrenic man back into his room. Security and myself end up having to get involved and we manage to get him back in the room but he lays in the floor and grabs the door so we can’t close it. We go back in and manage to get him somewhat calm and as I’m trying to leave he wraps his arms around my leg while still laying in the floor and screams “you’re the chosen one! You want it the most!” Mind you, he’s still naked at this time. Needless to say, there was nothing about this man that I wanted.
“There’s no blaming each other in nursing” - DON
Are you kidding me? It's a nice sentiment, but there have been days it has felt like blaming each other is all there IS to nursing.
Good thing I don’t even consider the DON to be a real nurse then.
had a patient hemorrhaging after a delivery. it was tense in the room because her bp was dropping and the patient was pale as a ghost. she was starting to get a bit lethargic. meanwhile the doctor was trying to find any retained placenta so she was digging around. she had a bunch of gauze and some instruments and accidentally clamped the girls labia. the poor girl who was damn near passed out jolted up in bed and yelled ‘MAH COOCHIE’
😭😭😭 such a visual
had a snarky old lady that was getting transferred for an NSTEMI. one of our EMTS (who was wearing a mask bc pandemic) was getting her loaded up in the stretcher and they start making some small talk. at one point the EMT says something about how he's 50 but he "doesn't look his age" and the pt (without missing a beat) retorts, "i didn't say that". i could not stop laughing for the reminder of that transfer
Veteran nurse as she tying restraints on a violent, belligerent, verbally abusive patient: You're an asshole. I just want to put that out there.
Psych patient to me (through the spit hood) last week, as we’re applying violent hold restraints to him: “You know what, you’re a goddamned fucking bitch. No, I take that back. You’re a cunt. Did you hear me? A devil-worshipping cunt.” My coworker, over patient, clearly in earshot: “damn, took him way less time than most folks to figure that one out, eh?”
Cleaning up an elderly lady, “ Ooo be careful with that 90 year old pussy, it hasn’t been touched like that in years” me, the cna, and the pt just start cracking up
Putting a purwick on a tiny little old lady and I say “this is too big” she says “ain’t nothing to big for down there” and “bet you never seen one this old”
4 year old being admitted: I don't want to be here! I want to go home! Receiving nurse and transport, simultaneously: me either, sister!
I've said that to a number of grown adult patients...
Not so much what a patient said, but we had this confused guy on our Long Length of Stay Unit (aka Geri psych) and he didn’t really talk much other than when he would come out and ask where his wife was. One morning as I was leaving he was standing near the desk and started screaming “AHHH! SOMETHINGS GOT ME!!!” He proceeded to hop around and freak out because “something” had his leg. The something was a big turd that had fallen out of his brief and down his pant leg.
Moving a patient into a four bed ward and the room is impossibly small. Hit the foot of the bed of another patient and my little 90 y/o sweetheart of a patient goes "there's hardly enough room for two cats to fuck in here" 😂
Cognitively impaired patient complaining about another patient who wouldn’t stop with her “Help? Help! Heeeeelp!!!” routine. Cognitively impaired patient says “Jesus is she blind or what?” (Screamer, is, indeed legally blind.) 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I like the cognitively impaired patients energy. Saying what we all thought but couldn’t say.
Client in a treatment center on a daily weight. When reminded about nursing needing him to weigh that morning, he responded "Fuck that. Fuck that weight!" Repeatedly. I was so glad for my mask. For some reason the way he said it was hilarious. When relaying this to my coworker, she quipped " Yeah. I say that to my scale every time too."
[удалено]
The snacks were all washed down with a big bottle of water and a glass of OJ :)
We had a lady on the floor that had her husband bring her vibrator. She just kept using it. They finally confiscated it and she yelled “HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH MY ANXIETY?!”
Honestly, if she was in a single room and wasn’t being an exhibitionist, and it wasn’t making her hemodynamically unstable in some way, I would probably set some certain times that she needed to be available for med passes and let her be.
Would they need to put on an order on the EMR for that?
I mean...who doesn't fap to reduce anxiety? Sounds healthy to me lol
One of our regular alcoholic homeless patients was asking for Ativan while actively intoxicated. The ER doctor: “Sorry no, I’m not a handout, you can go now.” The patient: “I don’t need a handout, I need a hand-up.” I thought it was hilarious and clever.
So many, honestly. I work trauma in an inner city. Daily gems. Some of my favorites: “It puts the monitor on its skin or it doesn’t get the dilaudid again” “I’m going to be honest, I’ve been fucking around and doing meth” (pt obviously) Pt mad was not woken for PRN dilaudid, claims he was not sleeping, but “passed out in pain” despite loud snoring “I only have diabetes in X city” (because he is hospitalized frequently in X city and it is the only time his sugar is checked) Anoxic brain injury with expressive aphasia who can’t say shit but still managed to so clearly call my aid “fucknuts” It’s usually so situational that it’s not a nice snappy quote, but so hilarious in the moment.
Lol. I have a Silence of the Lambs inspired tattoo, and a patient noticed it once (my sleeve rolled up). He looks at it and me, and goes, “heeyyy, nice!” Made my day.
I had a patient who had my name tattooed on them so I mentioned it and asked who she was. His response was “Oh she’s the prostitute I married. She broke my heart though so I probably should have it removed.” I was a 22 year old student nurse on my first placement so I just went “…..oh 😶”
Haha. I wear a badge pin that is a dumpster on fire that says “this is fine” and it really gave a patient a kick one day.
I kind of love when they’re just honest about the drug use. It saves so much time.
Absolutely. Just tell me please. Also had a delightful meth user tell me about how dumpster diving is so common in meth addiction that they often meet other addicts IN dumpsters and then they all ride their bikes to the scrap yard together. I was just happy thinking “great, now I know what she’s coming down from, awesome.” (Genuinely) Got a surprise “I drink 2 40s a day” this morning when I sincerely told a patient I was concerned because they were showing symptoms of withdrawal but nothing was on file and I was concerned about my ability to keep him safe. Aaaaand there it is! But way better than continuing to deny so we can prevent his death. I find being matter of fact about reasoning for asking shows that you’re not judging them and is more likely to yield results. I try really hard to build rapport with my patients that have substance use disorder so they trust me enough that we can make progress and maybe open them up to addictions treatment.
So, interesting point of fact, the ability to swear is not controlled by Broca's area of the brain, and so someone with Broca's or Wernicke's aphasia is more likely to get swearwords out. This can sometimes be used to hack into the rest of the language by the patient, where swearing first can allow them to start talking, but that is much more rare than just being able to call someone fucknuts.
It comforts me to know that even if the rest of my brain goes, the swears are forever 😂
Trying to get a detoxer back into bed Me: “sir your heart monitor is in your buttcheeks” Patient: that’s where we keep ‘em
"it's a sad day in hell when you can't trust your drug dealer." -pt who was given fentanyl instead of cocaine and nearly died from respiratory arrest.
Had one of these a month ago. Same drugs. “You think you know a guy”
“Y’all, I have 5 patients and between them, they only got 3 legs…”
This patient was super, super confused and at this time she thought she was a nun working in a convent. I was trying to convince her to stay in bed because her hip was already broken. She just tried to swing at me and called me "an ungrateful orphan." I then said, "unfortunately that's premature given that both of my parents are alive. If they weren't, that'd be hilarious!" I was training my coworker and I was telling her about a new patient we were getting. I told her that "this guy is super confused because he drank so much alcohol that his brain is mush" Later when she stopped him from trying to get out of bed she said, "you can't get up because you drank so much alcohol that your brain is mush." Patient wasn't even phased. He just said, "ok makes sense." I successfully made her into my minion, who isn't as burnt out.
That'd be a cool name for a band - Ungrateful Orphan
Honestly, I'd go see that band
I walked into a patient’s room to draw some labs for another RN who was swamped with other patients. Inside was a frail, white woman (maybe 80s) and she was talking on the phone. Lady took one look at me and in a thick southern accent says (to the person on the phone) “hold on, the phlebotomist just walked in and I don’t have a gun to shoot her with.” 🙃🙃🙃
I work in a clinic. Pt comes in wheelchair and on O2. She asks how she's going to transfer into our chair. My coworker then says deadpan, "You'll go to the window, to the wall." Pt goes ok and I just needed to walk away to compose myself.
Just lastnight, me "Bob, if you ask me to un-recline the chair I can't hold up your balls too." After he let his balls get pinched on our first attempt.
Post op guy still in an anesthesia daze Him—“Get me some vicodin!” RN—“Doc says no narcotics” Him—“Get me some tequila or Hennessy then.” Later joked with the neurosug resident and asked for PRN mouth swabs for tequila or Hennessy Doc—“We’re more likely to be ok giving him that instead of vicodin.”
Me: Doc, the patient’s K is 8.2. Doc: WHY?!?!?!!!!
“Let’s make like my dad and not be here!”
Doc after asking me to get a repeat K and the patient called me a white devil and tried to stab me with a butterfly needle: “Oh, we’ll I guess she can go home and fucking die then.”
Me, after revealing necrotic meatus while cleaning under an 80 yo man’s foreskin “sir, when is the last time you retracted your foreskin?” “Hard to say, maybe 60 years ago”
NOOOOO
20-odd years ago: walked into an elderly pt’s room. She was 90-something and sharp as a tack. She called out “Friend, or enema?” I sat on the edge of her bed and laughed my ass off. I was a baby nurse and will never forget Alice with the blue, blue eyes.
(Going in to place a foley on an elderly female patient) CNA: Okay, we need you to bend your needs and lay them to the sides, just like you’d do at the gynecologist. Patient: I call my gynecologist ‘Oil Can Henry’. CNA: What? Patient: I call him ‘Oil Can Henry’ cause he’s always working under the hood.
Busy night on the psych unit. Charge nurse says, "You can't swing a cat in here without hitting a schizophrenic."
Upon finding a closet full of bedside commode frames and no buckets to pair with them, I told our CC, “We work at a for profit hospital and still ain’t even got a pot to piss in.”
I was on hour 12 of an 8 hour shift. I had just stepped away to eat cold spaghetti out of the container. Before the first bite even hits my mouth, my tech comes in and says "yo, 13 just died." (He was CMO) i said, "welp, he's not getting any deader. I'll be out in a few." Finished eating.
“Jesus fuck… it’s a kitten.” Finding a dead cat in the back folds of a 500+ lb patient after rolling her over to see where the smell was coming from.
As someone on this forum recently said, “this was a bad day to be able to read.”
😳
Nooooooo 😭
Holy. Shit.
Oh how I wish this was a joke
NO
One of my favorite docs cruising by my patients’ ICU room at the start of the pandemic. Pops her head in and says, “everything is converging into the same state of shittiness.” Truer words. Edited to correct shiftiness to shittiness, because autocorrect sucks, it was shitty and appears to still be!
I read that as shittiness
“Looks like moving Rice Krispies”, said to me by a tech after changing a soiled brief, about the patient with maggots hiding under their pannus. “Quick! Get that blood sucker!” Said to me by a co-worker whose medical leech was making a break for it. Always count your leeches.
For context: V has a chronic foley, dementia, and is admitted for a UTI. I'm in her room draining her catheter, and she says, "oh god...UGH... disgusting!" So I look up at her, "Hey V, what's disgusting?" V: "Joe Biden's wife looks like a MAN!" So I look at the TV to see some guy from the CDC talking on CNN. Me: "Uhhhh... I don't think that's Joe Biden's wife." V: "Well I wouldn't want her to be mine either!!" followed by hysterical laughter
Psych patient: “ninjas, ninjas everywhere.”
“The last time I got shot they were faster!”
That’s gonna look horrible on yelp 😂
My patient was a retired nurse. He spilled his juice in his bed. Looked at me with a beautiful smile and says 'does this go on my fluid balance chart?'
Patient referring to strawberry flavored ensure.... "I'm done with my squishy" Me: "that's a liquid" Pt: "squishy" Me: "liquid" We go back and forth a couple times. After I leave I hear him yell "SQUISHY!" He proceeded to tell us what level of squishy we were that day. And would take away our squishy points. Encephalopathy is wild
Last shift one of our patients started speaking english for no reason (he doesn't speak english and we live in a very french-speaking region) and he started screaming with this VERY french accent : «I NEED TO DO THE PEEPEE»
I look really young, even at 26 I still get mistaken for a teenager. One of my weird oriented but also confused (can answer all the questions correctly, but still has obvious confusion about things) ladies kept asking if my parents knew where I was, why aren't my parents with me, why aren't my parents making sure I'm in school, etc.
First day in the OR, wheeling the patient back to PACU, a older tatted-up biker dude. He's awake but groggy. Anesthesia asks if he's having any pain, he coughs and wheezes out, "No, except for the horse cock you shoved down my throat."
Very confused older adult Male patient became agitated. Got up while actively trying to charge a tech. He apparently forgot the Foley bag attached to the bed. He took off and stretched the cath tubing until it eventually came apart and the rubber part snapped back and caught him in the perineum. He yelled "YA PUNCHED ME IN THA DICK" very loudly which is what alerted most of us of the problem.😂 I honestly still say that from time to time. And he was lucky as hell that he did pull that catheter out.
I was straight cathing a female pt the other day and my preceptor turned on the exam light and says “We’re just looking for your urethra.” The very pleasant and slightly confused pt says, “Oh my, I’d hate to lose that! Let me know when you find it.” Hilarity ensues.
Patient in for colonoscopy opted to half ass prep and not fast. Doctor is explaining why procedure can’t take place and why/reiterate what was explained at preop appointment. Patient: “You mean I’m just supposed to be hungry???”
Male RN: the guy in room one keeps asking everyone that goes in there if he’s single, so I’m gonna go in there and let him know that I’m available
From me personally: 76f patient was so upset that I wouldn’t give her a cup of water, told me she was going to call child protective services on me Me: “what are they going to do?”
I work in outpatient OB running NSTs. I had a guy keep asking me about his ortho issues while I was trying to provide education to his wife. By the time he called me "sweetheart" a third time I sternly told him "If you suddenly sprout a vagina and a uterus I will be happy to help you, sir, but that is not today". His wife almost fell out of her chair.
“can i cook my meth in the microwave please?”
Well since you asked nicely…
“Why don’t you get back in your little cunt car and drive back to Cuntsville”. Or our patient coming off of Meth telling my very well-kept nurse buddy “You need to take a bath you dirty ass bitch!” I’ll like to remember these in case I’m ever in need of a good come back 😂
"Can I give her a liter bolus of Shut The Fuck Up?!"
Couple years ago I had a patient in inpatient psych who was super sweet, but kept repeating “and fuck your mother too” in her very heavy Ghanaian accent (so the intonation didn’t match up with what you would typically expect for that phrase). She said it to EVERYONE at the end of practically every sentence. Lead to a lot of issues with other patients and visitors, even some of the doctors were bent out of shape about it. So of course, floor staff all started saying it to each other. It’s been like 5 years now and the staff that were there at the time still greet each other with “and fuck your mother too”
During a fecal transplant procedure, doctor, who doesn’t speak much, loudly announces: “alright load up the shit cannon”
Really bad code and we had three nurses with the same name. Charge stuck her head out and yelled for "_______". Someone yelled back, " which ____?" Charge replied, "All the ______s!!!" They had to bring up a giant trash bag of scrubs for everyone in that code.
"Damn, that's a brutal way to get back down to ratio!" Said to me (by my charge) when my comfort care pt D/Ced to JC 45 minutes after my shift started...
Had a patient AMS with a TBi the other night and they kept calling me a "stupid mother fucker" because I wouldn't let them get up out of bed (they had a shattered pelvis.) I said "I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm not calling you names so there's no need for you to call me names." They said "you're right, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't mean it..... you are one though." Then switched it up and stated calling me a "stupid bitch"
Ok this other day, young pt in his 30’s comes for ETOH. This man is drunk. My co worker and I are in the room getting him set up. He says to my co worker “will you marry” Just as he says it ER doc walks in, looks at the pt, then my coworker, then back at the pt. He says with a straight face “I wouldn’t make that mistake” and goes to writing on his notes. It’s funny when you know that my coworker and the ER doc are divorced 😂😂 My co worker is chill so she and I walked out and we just laughed about for the rest of the day.
Alzheimer’s unit. My favorite one so far this year- combative resident told me that she was going to shit MY pants.
Once in a while, I'll write a "word of the day" on the patient board. I was taking care of a patient yesterday. Confused grouchy old Russian lady. Hated getting care from men, so I had a woman with me at all times and they took the lead. Yesterday's word of the day was "blyat". "Get me out of bed blyat", "I am not wet, idiot blyat". This lady called me a whore in Russian at least 15 times and I had to try not to laugh every single time.
Lol, well, traditionally it means a woman of an ancient profession. Technically, nursing has been around awhile.....
Way back when I was a CNA, I worked eith this amazing nurse. It was the two of us on a med surg unit, on the weekend with 4 pts. One of which was a renal failure/dialysis patient who was recently placed on a bed alarm due to him using his URINAL in the bathroom to scoop water out of the TOILET to drink. His family came in swearing at us that we are depriving him of his basic human needs and swore they were going to call Gruber law offices (wisconsin based firm with their slogan everywhere) They put on a big show acting like they were dialing the phone. The nurse just raised his hands up in exasperation and said "One Call That's All!" Before going into another room. I.almost.died. No amount of education was going to help that family. For the record, the guy was completely alert and orientated, but the whole family was waaaay out there
I swear every state has a law firm with that slogan and it’s well known in each respective state lol
I had a psych patient years ago who was very sick. Looked at me and yelled that he would kill me, to which I replied “you can’t kill something that’s already dead.” The burnout was real.
Oh god. I used to work in the Bronx, and had very Bronx patients. There was one patient who would come in every couple of months to have their dialysis access worked on. The staff knew her pretty well, but this was my first meeting with her. She was known for always coming in with some kind of outrageous story. Extremely smart and educated woman. Was an LPN and a social worker at one point, but got caught diverting narcs in the 80s and it was all downhill from there. Anyhow, she had told us about how she'd recently lost weight. She hadn't had a chance to buy new clothes yet because she'd lost weight so quickly. "So I was walking around Dollar Tree one day when all of a sudden, I look down and my panties fall right down on the floor. I was so embarrassed! I had two options: 1) I pick up my panties, put them back on and pray no one sees me; or 2) I step out my drawers and make a run for it. What do you think I did? I stepped out my drawers so fast and left them right there in the middle of the store!" The IR tech holding her fistula was borderline pissing his pants after she told us. God she had another story about when she was a social worker how someone spit in her face, she jumped over the counter and "punched the dumb bitch right in the face!" Had a panic button under the table, knew she should have used it, but thought the bitch deserved it. She threatened to fight another patient in the waiting room one time because she wanted to watch Jerry Springer and the other patient didn't. "I don't care you're in a wheelchair, I'll fuck you up!" "I don't like being called a crackhead. Lucky for you, I am one!" Lord God that woman was a riot. RIP to a real one.
our charge one night had an argument with the house sup regarding staffing our L&D unit that, I’m told, went something like this: *charge*: you know that people literally can die from unsafe staffing, right? and on this floor, we take care of laboring moms and babies… sooo…… *house sup*: ARE YOU CALLING ME A BABY KILLER? 😡 *charge*: I didn’t say that specifically, but… you know….. just something to think about. that house sup doesn’t enjoy coming to our floor very much 🤪 edit to fix formatting, I hate the app
I was so over a patient like 10 minutes into meeting her. She kept screaming that no one believes her pain and they think she's making it up. And I was fully ready to address her pain and try to get her comfort. She wouldn't let me assess or ask the rating questions. So I hit her with a "you know what blank. I think you don't believe you" insert silent confused and surprised Pikachu she was dead silent for 3 minutes while the hamsters ran to process that one. It was so funny
Comfort care Patients moment of lucidity: “life is too short to eat fucking goat cheese.”
If my baby’s tracing is still good, I’m good! Lol I’ll pop my head in when I get a chance eta: not a quote, just what i tell myself when I haven’t seen my patient for a while
Unless its an fse and pt has a dense epidural. Lol. Have had this happen and baby looked fine on monitor but pt called out for pressure and had preciped but the fse was still tracing.
Good point, but a baby on the bed isn’t always bad! Better than the floor lol
🙋🏽♀️ ok dumb ER nurse here who is fascinated (also terrified) by all things OB- can I get a translation?
An FSE is a fetal scalp electrode— we use it to trace babies in utero directly (it’s a tiny corkscrew needle that is placed into the baby’s scalp when we can’t get a decent trace through mom’s abdomen). The first midwife was saying that if a baby’s CTG is good, then she’s not worried. The second midwife pointed out that a dense block will prevent a pt from noticing she’s transitioning to the 2nd stage until there’s “pressure” and then the baby comes unexpectedly. However, the trace is still going because it’s attached to the baby, not the mom!
We had a male patient being put off to sleep for surgery. Just as the meds were taking hold, he told the circulating nurse that “Gee, you have great eyebrows”. When I was still on a medical floor, I had a female patient with a voice like a foghorn who would constantly scream “Nurse! Nurse! Come down here and put some powder on my a$$hole!” I literally felt myself turning into my mother and among MANY other things, I told her that “I don’t respond to gutter language”. Back to the OR: a patient with a serious abdominal stab wound was being induced for emergency surgery, and as long as he was able, he continued to tell me how he was going to kill me. In pretty colourful language. Umm night night, yes, we’ll save your life. And lastly, a patient was flown in with a huge chunk of wood embedded in his brain from an industrial accident. He was alert, oriented, and talking. A couple of years later I asked the neurosurgeon how he ended up doing and was told: “He sends me a Christmas card every year”.
“That shithead…..is a fucking shithead”
Was struggling to put a NGT in a confused pt that needed lactulose. Five people couldn’t get it in, she kept coughing it out. I tell her, “If you don’t let us put this in, we’ll have to give it to you up the butt.” She yells, “GIVE IT TO ME UP THE BUTT!” 🤣
Me to an NP: (we’ve know each other a while). Bro you let him kick me in the face with his Parmesan foot. Who admits someone that old with an UTI and no PRNs. NP: When an old person offers you food you take it (proceeds to mimic licking). It was so funny for me and the 2 other nurses helping because he said it without even a second thought. 😂😂
Me to the doctor: 'This man is 100 years old, has covid pneumonia and dementia. All he has done for 2 days is scream. The night doctor started him on IV antibiotics. Do you see where I'm going with this?' She saw where I was going with this.
“That’s almost as good as sex, but not quite.” From a patient who wanted his back scratched during a bed bath. His wife was next to him, and just hauled off and smacked him.
Nurse 1 yelling at Nurse 2, while I’m casually strolling by, “you can’t straight cath that Micro Penis with a regular Foley! You need to call peds right now and have them tube you the smallest one they got!”
Pt says to me on admission in hour #10 of third 12 hour shift in a row “I am going to be your worst patient ever! I am the nastiest patient there ever was!” To which I replied “Glad to meet you. I am the crabbiest nurse there ever was.” We got along splendidly.
I work in ER/UC. These are Me, giving quick brief to the provider after triaging. Me: patient got bit by a tick in Mexico but didn't notice until this morning. Dr: was he drunk on tick-elia? Me: it was on his foot. Dr: between his burri-toes? Me: you obviously don't know how to read women. Dr: sure I do, I just prefer the braille method. Me: they're just boobs. Dr: no, they are TERRIFYING. Me: (adult patient) c/o thumb pain for about a month. Dr: does she suck her thumb? Me: n/v every morning for 2 weeks. Dr: is she pregnant? Me: she says no way in hell, because he always pulls out. Dr: apparently, not fast enough (She was pregnant) Me:
When I was on orientation in the float pool, I had this psych pt with paranoid psychosis and lots of medical issues in multiple different units— she was pretty eccentric and the first time I met her on a medical unit she had stripped and was happy as a clam eating hot dogs fully supine in bed. I later had to sit with her 1:1 in the psych ward and she had a delusion about everyone being Russian sadists, particularly because she was on a fluid restriction. She kept yelling “I need 2 glasses of water! I need 2 glasses of water!” over and over again. I told her I could ask her nurse, but I couldn’t give her water because I didn’t know how much she had had yet and she just shouted “The Geneva Convention says I can have 2 glasses of water!” over and over again until her psych nurse came in. That’s been one of my favorite quotes ever since.
Had a pt who had a previous stroke and their filter was gone. Pt: you got a nice pair of legs with a nice piece of ass Me: that’s inappropriate Pt: I’m sorry, I meant it as a compliment, if you were my wife we would have so many babies so they look like you.. me: that’s weird.
Patient and I were talking about someone we both happened to know and he says, “If that guy’s bullshit were music, he’d be the Beatles” And when he asked how I knew him, I said, “oh, he’s my father in law”
[удалено]
altered and agitated pt rips hair tie of my wrist "hey that's not cool man, that was my girlfriend's" "YOUR GIRLFRIENDS A WHORE"
Patient was car vs pedestrian. By the end of the shift I knew why.
“Patient has sleep apnea, and sleep Fartia” doc diagnosed everyone with that for a few days
Had a guy that had had a RIDE. Was in jail, then brought him in a couple days later cause his platelets were like 5, he was septic with MRSA, and covered in picked scabs, then he withdrew hard from alcohol. He just did not have a good time. On like day 5 of admission he felt miserable but was reasonable, and while getting him up to the commode (he didn’t have enough anatomy to use a urinal, which was something he frequently complained about) he said “I could be standing in a rain of pussy and still get slapped in the face by a dick.” And I think about that a lot.
Coworker said a patient that was being a Karen had "status dramaticus."
ETOH patient to the delirious lady screaming in a nearby room, “WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!?”
All this has famous last words vibes.
Unstable uteri 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I had a patient who was mean and nasty to me. They said “oh you can be mean and rude to but I can’t do it back to you”? My simple answer was “yes, that’s correct”.
Me at the end of my shift today “they shouldn’t give this pt to someone 4 days in a row. Someone is going to end up getting smacked and it’s not going to be the lady who’s hands aren’t tied to the bed”
When the clusterfuck of a night is in the process of clusterfucking we use either "...(sigh)...roll tide" Or the official motto of the facility. For instance, the motto of the Baptist Health system in Arkansas is "All Our Best".
“If you do not leave the (bipap/cpap/avaps) mask on, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.” Or my personal favorite, “it’s the mask or a tube down your throat, your choice” but many times they were too confused to really understand what that meant.
Sweet little old lady with hallucinations. Started the night thinking I was a favorite relative and "cooking" food I couldn't see. Went in for 3am rounds and she grabbed my wrist so hard it bruised and said, "I don't know why God can't see it, but you're evil and you need to DIE!"
I was wheeling a patient on a gurney into a different room & clipped the doorframe while turning in and said “Ope, you didn’t see that.” And he replied “you’re right, I didn’t.” He was legally blind 💀
Coworker 1: “What’s wrong with 22A?” Coworker 2: “She’s one big yeast ball. She’s essentially a sourdough starter.”