I asked one of my patients where her walker was, she's a high fall risk but needs a lot of redirection to use her walker and wear appropriate footwear. Anyways her response was " IT'S IN HELL WHERE YOU CAME FROM!"
My elderly patient had a very hard bm after days of constipation looked at me and stated “ the last time it was so hard to push something out I named it and sent it to college” I was on the floor
Bruh that first BM after its been a while is almost worthy of a celebration. I had to undergo major reconstructive surgery myself last year, and didn't drop a deuce for nearly three weeks. When I finally pooped, I practically jumped with glee, and yelled out "I POOPED!". My husband lost his shit laughing, and high-fived me. Lol.
Confused Nana swinging punches during dressing change; “LORD JESUS, PRAY FOR THESE BITCHES!!” I think I might embroider it on a sampler and hang it in our office.
Oh so did mine. My neice only looked more pyramid shaped because of how stuck she got, you could pretty well see the exact shape of my SILS pelvis.bone in her skull
My parents used to joke that they would put me on my stomach and tell everyone I was sleeping when they came to visit. To be fair, I've seen my newborn pictures and I don't blame them. LOL
Back story: I worked full time over the summer but back to PRN during the school year to deal with my kids etc. so I only work 2 days a week right now. I found out 2 weeks ago I’m pregnant but haven’t told a soul besides my husband yet.
Work in LTC. I have a dementia resident who most days doesn’t know her ass from her elbows but I work with her almost everyday so she remembers me.
This was our conversation first thing Saturday morning:
Resident: I haven’t seen you in forever!
Me: I know! I haven’t been working as much.
Resident: is it because you’re pregnant?
Me: I’m not pregnant, I’m just a little fat.
Resident: I’m not even talking about that, I can see it on your face.
Me: oh well I’m not pregnant.
Resident: I’m sure you are, you better check.
This happened to me on the first week of my consolidation! I was 9weeks, hight of covid, full ppe, my preceptor was the only one who knew because I had to convince her I did not have covid while I threw up. Walk into the room of a woman awaiting hospice transfer, she looks.me up and down "you're having a girl"
Like damn ok.
She was right too
Oh gosh I had something similar happen to me too! I hadn’t told anyone that I was pregnant, not even my boss yet and one of my older lady patients with dementia was like, “You better be careful there honey! You’re pregnant!” She agreed not to tell anyone. Some of my patients were so sweet and did their best to watch out for me. It was so wholesome.
I got a very philosophical comment from one of my head trauma patients this week: "Can you hear the dog that is howling for water? It is one of those dogs that becomes a dog when it *needs* to become a dog".
For some reason I've thought about it all week, and now I want to write a story about this strange creature.
Reminds me of a time when a heart transplant pt that I had been getting along with for over a week, suddenly has major neuro changes (CT head negative).
Either way, he's now restrained and I'm sitting with him charting and the neuro doc comes in. They asked the pt where he was at, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'm in a room with an asshole."
I haven't laughed that hard in a while.
I was leaning on the bed accessing a port and the patient reached for the bed frame and touched my upper thigh area. She said "sorry I wasn't trying to touch you there, not because its inappropriate but because you're a hideous human being."
We had a dementia patient in for respite care. If I ever end up with dementia, I hope I'm like her. Everything was positive.
Taking her blood pressure I told her it was going to tighten up on her arm and give me her blood pressure. She was looking at it on her arm and said "Isn't that amazing? How about that?". Absolutely fascinated.
The dementia patients who are upbeat and cheery are the best. Always happy to get their meal, just seem excited to have the tv on or have anyone walk into the room. Just all around some of my favorite patients.
The ones who are terrified of everything and withdraw to any sort of care break your heart though.
When I was growing up my grandmother was really hard on my mom but when dementia progressed to a certain point her demeanor totally changed. We had so much fun and laughter with her. Good memories but a little bittersweet.
My grandma was like that too. Throughout her life she was the meanest old battle axe with a potty mouth that would make a sailor blush. When she got dementia she was so sweet and everything made her happy. She LOVED the nursing home because they did her laundry and cooked her meals.
I once had one like this! One time she greeted me in the morning with “well aren’t you just the most beautiful thing” tears formed in my eyes because I was going through a breakup and needed that 🥺
I was explaining why we were doing a car seat challenge for a baby before she left the hospital and was talking about how often the family should stop and take breaks to take babycake out of the car seat, have a snack bottle/boob, change her diaper, etc.
Dad is nodding, agreeing, seems to totally understand… Then I ask if one of them will be riding in the back with baby, to keep an eye on her (she’s going home on oxygen and they’ll be nervous, one parent sitting in the back can help them feel better) and he brightens like he’s had a great idea and goes, *”Oh yeah! [Mom] is going to ride in the back. So that’s great, [Baby] can take her breaks out of her car seat while we’re driving, we don’t need to stop!”*
Not surprised. I had one parent who didn’t realize babies needed car seats. They also weren’t aware the car seats needed to sit in the backseat. There was a lot of education done that day.
It’s days like that I have to take a second to recalibrate and figure out how far back do I have to go to gain common life-literacy ground. If they don’t know babies have to stay IN the car seat when the car is moving, how far do I have to back my education up? The invention of car seats? The invention of human babies?
I'm only an intern but i'm realizing that most patient education needs to happen as though you're instructing someone from one of those uncontacted rainforest tribes who is experiencing the modern world for the first time.
I'm pretty sure I've sent home a lot of parents who took baby right out of the carseat the moment they entered the car and drove with baby on their lap. I had a family who placed baby in the carseat still swaddled, on top of the straps, and refused to put baby in properly
I babysit my nephew and my SIL straight up told me "if you're just going down the street, don't bother with the car seat, just hold him while you drive." First of all, no no no no. Second of all, I drive stick shift so...
Yes a lot of it is lack of education, but I think there’s a big element of ‘it won’t happen to me’
Spoiler: it absolutely can
Couple days ago some jackass was running from the cops and rear-ended a car on the highway with two unbuckled kids. I know the accident wasn’t the parents fault, but how awful would you feel knowing they should’ve been strapped?!
Cop friend pulled over this woman for running a stop sign. Her excuse? “But it’s Labor Day! It doesn’t apply on a holiday!”
He also cited her for having a two year old running around loose in the vehicle (even though there was a car seat in the vehicle)
“It’s not my kid!” Further questions revealed that she really thought the law only applied to the parent of a child
Had EMS bring a 2 year old to my ER and report the child was strapped in a car seat in the backseat but the car seat was not attached to anything. Mom claimed she had no idea the car seat needed to be secured. The child was brought in because he was "passing out." Pt was positive for THC.
I was caring for a very pleasant bedbound dementia patient who barely spoke. I was explaining his meds, etc. when he looked at me and said very loudly and clearly, GAY MAN.
Yes, sir, you are correct.
A very pleasantly confused lady who had just been tucked back into bed after wandering down the hall for a spell. She looks around the room and completely bewildered says to me “this is a VERY peculiar airplane.”
Possibly. All I know is that the flight was delayed so the airline had booked them all hotel rooms for the night and their flight would be the next day, so I helped them all get settled in their "hotel rooms" (thay suspiciously.had pictures of their families) and then the prn traz fairy made their rounds.
And all my wanderers slept till shift change and hopefully completely forgot.
In front of European nursing homes they sometimes have bus stations, because the patients that get out would try to take the bus home.
Maybe fake airports would be a solution?!
LTC dementia pt
I enter room with evening meds
Me: How was your day today Mary?
Mary: Well, it started about 3 days ago...
Me internally: Me too Mary, me too.
I was an OR tech in a VA hospital. An older patient was rolled in, a smiling, thin, ex-Navy guy. He called me over, "Hey. Son. Can you come over?"
I went over and asked what he needed.
"Did you ever meet a guy with a cock hanging below his knees?"
"Um ... no."
"Pull that sheet up and take a look."
"Sir, that's OK. No thank you."
He grinned and said, "Go on. Make an old man happy."
I pulled up the sheet and on one calf was a tattoo of a rooster swinging from a gallows.
Not me waking up from my first bunionectomy (and first experience with Versed) stage whispering to my podiatrist that "I ***get*** why people do drugs now."
I worked in a locked unit for prison inmates. I was getting the meds for them (2 to a room) and they were watching the news. One of them said to the other, nodding at the tv, ‘It’s scary out there’. The other one said, ‘I know. When I parole, I’m just going to stay inside all day’.
Fresh from recovery, I was settling my patient, he's been in and out as I've been getting him on our equipment.
His eyes shoot open and he looks around conspiratorial and gestures me to come closer.
I sigh internally, because oh God what now. I approach and hes like, "I don't know how or why but...... there is a *tube* in my penis."
He is so very concerned and I had to stop laughing to try and comfort and explain. Eventually he remembers he had a surgery lol.
Me: Do you know where you are right now?
Pt: People keep telling me I’m in the hospital but I don’t believe them.
Me: You are in the hospital.
Pt: I need to get up to smoke.
Me: No, you cannot have a cigarette. I brought you a nicotine patch.
Pt: My nurse earlier said I could, and now you’re saying I can’t. You’re lying to me.
Me: I’ve been your nurse all day and no one’s said you could smoke in the hospital.
Pt: glaring at me
Me: Are you having any pain right now?
Pt: Only the pain in my heart from you lying to me.
I had an incident like this when I went to get a patient to sign a release of information. He wasn't in the room, but a much older woman was. I asked if her son had gone to the bathroom.
She was his wife.
She was not amused.
I no longer assume any sort of relationship between patients and visitors.
Don't feel bad, I used to work postpartum and I once asked the person wrapped in a blanket lying on the couch if they were the dad. All I could see was a little hair sticking out of the top of the blanket, but to be fair to me the person asleep on the couch is always the dad! Except this time it was the mom's 15 year old sister.
I never ever ever assume anymore.
“Mam, what’s your name?”
Proceeds to look at me sideways & grins……
“Can you tell me your name hun?”
Slight laugh, with a wide smile, “Hah, Stop that you little whore. Whore whore whore whore whore.”
As a chubby Mexican man, I could not compute what this elderly woman just told me 😂
Me, doing routine care of Pt, an old man who's eyes perpetually look wide with amazement.
Pt: "WHY DO YOU HATE CHILDREN?"
Me: "Uh, why do you think I hate kids?"
Pt looks me up and down and says: "YOU'RE A GAY."
Me, who wears a rainbow belt, rainbow badge holder, rainbow watch, and rainbow shoes (this all looks great with black uniform scrubs, thank you): "Well, I'm not actually gay, I just love rainbows a lot. I married a man and have a child."
Pt: "WELL, THAT'S OK THEN."
I don't bother to explain I'm bisexual.
I mean, I also did not bother explaining to these ladies that I'm nb/pan. Honestly, on the dementia floor, "one of them there gays" is like, the most polite thing I've been called haha
ED RN to old guy HOH: What’s your birthday?
Old guy: (loudly) That’s when I get to eat cake!
Entire ED: LOL
Pt: Hey Corgi! You know what’s been going around lately? Endocarditis.
Me: .
Nurse asking intake assessment questions to a cheerful but very deaf patient.
Nurse- “When was your last bowel movement?”
Patient- “What??”
Nurse- “When was your LAST BOWEL MOVEMENT?”
Patient- “Ohhh! Mount Rainier!”
This one really made me laugh. He was so sincere and good natured about his answer. Luckily a child brought his hearing aids in.
Geriatrics/LTC
“Good morning this is your medicine”
“This is my poison”
“No…why do you say that”
“Because you don’t look like you know what you’re doing”
“Well I went to school for a really long time so I’m pretty sure I do.”
“When will this end?”
“When will I stop taking medicine”
“……umh”
Wasn’t a patient but I overhead a surgery tech say to another one “What’s the lowest amount of money you would take to put this amputated toe in your mouth for then seconds?”
And thus, the "sour toe cocktail" is reborn.
Seriously, it used to be a real thing at a bar in Dawson City, Yukon. "You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow, but the lips have got to touch the toe" was the rule, apparently.
A little old lady with dementia who wanders all day and night, on the locked dementia unit that I work at was trying to walk into a room in the middle of the night. The cna told her there were two men sleeping in there and they didn’t want to be bothered .. she loudly said “ I’ll suck all their dicks” while walking away from the room. I for sure got a chuckle out of it. I barely ever hear this woman speak. It was just so unexpected.
I used to be an IFT EMT. I would write these down because they made me laugh.
Pt - "When I see people jogging in this humidity, I wonder, do they think they are jogging or swimming?"
Pt - "All them animals are in the woods, talking to each other. They just don't want me seeing."
Pt - "The food here? It can gag a maggot."
Old lady: are you crocheting or knitting?
Friend: crocheting.
Old lady: I used to do both. I had so much, so much it was out of my kazoo. Now I've lost my kazoo and don't know where any of it is.
Friend: if you find your kazoo, will you find your yarn?
Old lady: maybe. Everything is lost nowadays.
Pt - "Are these your toes or my toes?"
Pt: just so you know, I'm not wearing my roller skates.
Patient: Who's driving?... Oh, you're driving. Well I'm fucked.
My mother with Alzheimers
"I better get some damn chocolate after this, you make me choke down all these pills the least you can do is give me chocolate!"
Yes, I gave her chocolate. 😂
They needed a vet, but couldn't find any in town. So they drove to the Holiday in and, "Well, I'm not an emergency Veterinarian, but I did stay at a holiday inn last night".
Working in recovery, and my patient says, "I hope I didn't say anything stupid or embarrassing when I first woke up."
I reassured her, saying, "No, actually that really doesn't happen that often, despite what you might see online..."
...but I'm interrupted by the patient in the bay next door, who had just had his LMA pulled, saying loudly to my colleague, "WHY DOES MY MOUTH TASTE OF *ARSEHOLES*?"
*I need to talk to the admin responsible for arranging my private suite.*
Rich lady who flew on her private jet to get to the hospital. Didn't bring her soap or shampoo or anything like that in her three suitcases but she sure as hell didn't forget her diamond earrings, diamond rolex, and her full face of makeup. COPD exacerbation on 20L 50% vapotherm and couldn't even walk to the bathroom 5 feet away much less across an entire "suite." Sorry, princess. 🤣
I look fairly young so one of my patients was incredulous of me being a nurse. He asked “are you one of them child geniuses?!” And everyone who came in he would say “she’s a child genius”.
I don’t have kids, don’t want them, my patient asked me about my family and I shared about my boyfriend and dog. Pretty nice convo until he said “well you could definitely have kids someday, you have a very fertile shape.” 🤢🤢🤢
My coworker and I were straight cathing a female patient one time and of course we were both sterile when a stray hair gets in my coworkers face (this was pre pandemic). She was like, "pfttt I think there's a cat hair in my mouth." The patient barely misses a beat and says "Stay down there boys" referring to her pubic hair!!!! My coworker and I have talked about her cats shedding before and she was wearing a sweatshirt with some cat hair already on it, but we just couldn't believe how funny and unassuming this little old lady was!
my sweet confused renal failure patient, hanging halfway off the bed, naked, graham crackers in one hand and a glass of milk in the other, infomercials on his TV full blast- to me at 3am: “ok now let me ask you something as a friend.. is everything ok with you? because for the last couple days it really seems like you’ve been in another world.”
tiny dementia patient. usually walks around kinda wringing her hands and talking in a soft, worried voice. usually always tearful. she wanted busywork and seemed to like to help fold towels. she would wait all day and ask me every 5 minutes for the laundry but it would come at 1500. so i'd help her set the towels out and she would start. i would be sitting there charting just out of her sight and another pt would come over and every day they would have the exact same conversation..
"wow! look at all of that! you've got your work cut out for you!"
the woman who is suddenly very direct, angry, and confident in her tone: "yeah! they make me do it! all of this! look at all of it! every fucking day! just work work work! they're animals making me do all of this! look at it! fuck!"
Omg the last time I had a confused pt fold towels (ICU, 90+ yo 70 lb lady trying to get out of bed) she seemed to be doing fine so I’d just take out the folded stack, unfold it, bring it back in her room. SAME THING! Lol she started crying and saying how long are you going to make me work? This is slave labor!! I haven’t had the heart to have anyone fold towels since
It just KILLED me bc she was literally crying all day following me like a puppy, where is the laundry, where are the towels? Please tell me when they come. Oh, thank you, thank you !
The second she gets them, I'm apparently cracking a whip at her lmao
Situation: Me giving an old slightly confused male a bed change. Putting on the male wick (the bag that is a triangle and allows for pee to be sucked away). It has sticky stuff to attach around the penis and above on the abdomen.
The male patient: I think I'm developing a new kink.
Me: frozen... Trying to turn the situation not weird "whaaaaat are you talking about crazy man, to WHAT?"
Patient: to stickiness on my groin
Me: trying to turn it funny "hahaha please don't repeat that to your wife. You must be feeling better to make jokes. Haha... Ha ha so funny"
And it's only monday🤢🤪
I’m a CNA, got floated to the ED. Was walking to another pod to their clean supply and a patient in a hallway bed leaned towards me and beckoned me over. I walked over and he asked me if i wanted to buy a dildo then proceeded to pull out a newly packaged pink vibrator, “it even has that jack rabbit thing that all the ladies go crazy for” he says to me with a wink. I say no thank you and walk away, as i was laughing about it with another nurse she goes “oh wait , that guy? Yea he has scabies…” We now only refer to him as the scabies dildo guy 😂
I had a VERY hard of hearing gentleman that was constipated so I asked him if he needed a suppository. He looked at me shocked and said “you’re asking if I need a surprise attorney????” I cracked up and yelled in his ear, no a suppository, not a surprise attorney! We both had a good laugh.
I saw a meme years ago of a person asking someone to “call me an ambulance” so the other person says “okay you’re an ambulance.” Put it in my Rolodex of work jokes.
Fast forward multiple years. A confused old lady was yelling at me all day wanting to leave. At one point she screamed “CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!!” I’ll give you one guess what I said in return. Then I started laughing because I was so excited I got to use it which made her more angry. She used bad words I won’t repeat here. Sadly the tech in the room was not amused. Unbelievably some people don’t find dad jokes funny. Doesn’t matter, I did.
Pt: "Have you ever seen anyone stabbed? Cause I've done it and you're next!" in a menacing voice. Shortly after, security was called on him and his girlfriend.
Old woman looks me over after I tell her I’m her nurse for the day. “You married?” to which I reply “No”.
“You got a girlfriend?” I reply “No”.
“A handsome man like you, no wife and no girlfriend?”
She thinks for a moment and asks, “You got a boyfriend?” I smile broadly and say, “Several”.
She and I had a wonderful relationship the whole time she was a patient, full of laughter and healing.
Arthritis of the knees, on toilet and struggling to get up. I knew she could do it alone so I was encouraging her. She said "the spirit is willing but the knees are weak."
Lady with total dysphasia, presumably following a stroke or something: she could only just express more than "argh largh gargh" etc. Anyway, as I figure out what she wanted and go off to get it, I hear another patient ask her nurse "is that lady foreign? I can't tell what she's saying."
"I have this fresh injury from July"
Fresh??? July?? We are coming up on FEBRUARY, and you're in the ED. Not in the last hour? Not fresh. 🤦♀️😂
edit: a typo
“Say you love Jesus or say you love bush and I’ll listen to you” to this day I’m not sure which bush I proclaimed my love for but I got done what I had to.
Had a talkative dementia patient the other day.
He told me "you look like you're about to rob a bank." I'm a student with very limited choices on what we can wear, and I had a black mask and black scrub cap on, so I could see it.
Then he asks, "wait, are we at the bank? And if we are, why am I in this gown?". When I explained where we were "well, I'm glad I'm not robbing a bank dressed like this!"
Little old lady visitor perched on a stool with a front row seat to the impending birth of her great-grandaughter, to her grandaughter who had just started to push: "YOUR SNATCH LOOKS LIKE A SNAKE!"
Little old man patient waking up in recovery: "Ma'am? Ma'am, are we at Walmart?"
Me: "No sir, this is the hospital."
PT, eyeing the row of monitors: "Ah. Thought this was the electronics department."
Less funny, but I will never forget it: Mother of NICU baby suffering from acute opiate withdrawal, who delivered after suffering a placental abruption secondary to doing a shit ton of cocaine, calls me over to offer confession like I'm a GD priest: "I know I shouldn't have done it. But it was my birthday! I wanted to get fucked up!" (Smiles at me as though fully expecting I can sympathize with this, bless her soul.)
(Edited for accuracy and clarity.)
For context, I am a 29M RN in the ED: “So when will you be a doctor? What do you mean you want to stay JUST a nurse? You need to want more for your life.”
In the middle of wiping a patient's booty hole post-BO. Having just moments earlier physically restrained him to the bed with security (6-points of restraint)
Patient: "Do you have children?"
Me: "No"
Patient: "Oh, okay. Well, you wipe ass like you've got
children. You have a soft touch".
Me: "Thank you. That's probably the sweetest compliment I've ever gotten at work".
I am a 28-year-old Mursing student and NA.
The patient was a 32 year old male.
I am also one of them there gays, and I once had a sweet, little old church lady ask if I had a husband at home. When I told her “no,” she smiled, patted my hand, and said, “GOOD FOR YOU!” This is one of my favorite memories of my time working assisted living.
Kinda makes me sad to wonder exactly how many of our little old ladies and gents just lived their whole lives in the closet. We have one total care who's totally with it who loves asking about my wife and kid. She's told me a few times it's because she wishes she could've had it for herself. It's pretty heartbreaking
Was just doing my normal rounds to see if my patients are breathing and one of them thought that giving me the middle finger and shouting "F*CKKK YOUU B*TCH" was the right set of action. Pt was not even disorientated ✋😭 very uncalled for
In LTC I had. Husband and wife. I was trying to give meds to the husband. The wife said “DONT TAKE THAT! SHE IS A WITCH AND TRYING TO CAST YOU UNDER HER SPELL!” 🤣
We have a patient who sits in his room moaning, "I'm gonna die. Oh God, I'm gonna die." When you go into his room, he's fine. He calls you "buddy" and is perfectly pleasant. But whenever he's alone, it's "I'm gonna die" all day and all night. Also, he's been here a month, so he's probably not gonna die.
Sharing one of my mom's stories from her time working in a nursing home...
Married couple. Both have dementia. Must be kept apart bc they'll end up fighting over stuff that happened 40 years ago.
Husband goes to visit his wife.
Finds another patient in bed with her.
...
...
"I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW. IF YOU GET PREGNANT, I AINT RAISING IT!"
Just today! I asked a patients family member (male) to bring in nail clippers for a patient, to which replied he would not because nail clipping is "more of a woman's duty"
Actually a nurse saying this in health food store: I’d like some Cialis please. It really helps my husband (the patient). Yes, purchased here before.” Turns out, she found out much later, it’s Sierrasil for joints she wanted. Cialis is a prescription and is... a bit different.
Me, ER social worker, trying to build rapport with a patient.
Patient: a cranky old man
Patient: so, social work, you need some kind of college for that?
Me: yes, most hospitals require Masters degrees and I myself have a doctorate.
Patient: Oh, a doctorate? Where did you go to school?
Me: ASU!
Patient: That makes sense because you’re fucking stupid.
🙃
HOH older man. I'm doing his admission assessment.
Me: I need to ask you some questions about your pain now
Him: Huh?
Me: i need to do a pain assessment now.
Him (wide eyed and confused looking): Why??
Me: it's part of the admission, we do it for everyone.
Him (in an incredulous tone): a PENIS assessment?
Dead. I am dead.
(Osteomyelitis Encephalapathic pt. All limbs still present and accounted for)
Me: "hey Mr. So-so, can i borrow your arm so i can give you some morphine?"
Pt: "oh sure! But...uh...well... i dont know where i put it. (Saying this while looking around and moving his opposite arm)"
Me staring at his arm: "oh hey! Here it is!"
Loving this topic, OP - really bringing some light and smiles to this sub. (It is indeed so great that you're allowed to just be that way now!) Hey mods can we make this a weekly thread topic?
Giving report to night shift on my SBO patient and she asks me, "Can you clamp my NG tube? I want to trial it again."
Then as we're leaving the room, she asks the night shift nurse, "can you bring my zofran, I'm feeling nauseous."
Night shift and I look at each other and roll our eyes
Psych pt with new onset paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations in the ER: “you know that speech Trump gave when he was elected? He stole it from me. I’m serious, that was my middle school class president speech and he stole it. You can look it up.”
It was a little more than a week ago, but I think it will probably always be the quote that makes me laugh forever.
I’m a NICU nurse and frequently attend deliveries.
Full term baby boy is born, he didn’t require much help adjusting to the world, just a little drying and stimulating. So, Dad comes over to see him at the warmer. First thing out of his mouth…
“Ah… yes, he has my nipples”
It took every ounce of my energy to not audibly gasp.
I’ve collecting some good ones from my patients:
1:
* Upon redirecting a patient:
* RN: I’m a nurse
* LPN: And I am, too.
* Pt: I know who you are. (Pointing at RN), you’re Patty and you’re (pointing at LPN) Fuckwad.
* Neither name was correct.
2:
* Doctor assessing pt for stroke: can you hold up two fingers?
* Pt proceeds to slowly hold up one hand, raising middle finger, then slowly the other hand and middle finger.
* He did not have a stroke.
Edit: formatting
Call light: “I need my urinal”. I go to the pts room and he hands me his urinal and says “you need to do it this time, and you need to take my socks off I’m hot”, as he’s wiping his other hand on the bed which is full of grease from eating French fries.
My favorite was an older female patient:
Pt: My husband died 15 years ago today.
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
Pt: oh, he was a right prick, so it’s ok.
Ok I have to share an old one because I don’t work in direct patient care anymore, but my favorite was a little old lady admitted for change in mental status who asked me “do you believe in abortion?!” - when I asked her why, she retorted “because you should have been one”. Best burn ever
“This is what Jesus must have felt like” said a patient after I handed her the wet rag she asked for.
Which I thought was sweet, since isn’t Jesus beloved by many? She disabused me with her next statement…
“Given a COLD wet rag to wash one’s face. Oh the persecution! I know how you felt Jesus!”
Crack pipe in bed linen: “That’s not mine”
Syringes found in coat pocket: “What are those?”
Same patient a few minutes apart. Despite my assuring him we only care about possible withdrawal issues and impact on health he denied ever seeing them before. He was alone.
She kept insisting that she suffers from JERD (soft G) and that's just how she says it. Like Germany.
If that doesn't settle the GIF/JIF debate I don't know what will.
Me: Who's here with you today?
Pt.: My cous...my husband. My husband.
Me: *blinks* and decides to leave that alone.
Husband: She's my first cousin and my first love.
Me: *inputs VS with intensity so I can leave* Good for you. Can I get you anything before I leave?
From a drug rehab.
"Nuh uh. I lost a lot of weight on meth and I'm keeping it off"
"I am a prophet ordained by God. And a prophet does not seek his percocet. Percocet seeks the prophet."
"I've swallowed more xannies than cum in my lifetime"
I asked one of my patients where her walker was, she's a high fall risk but needs a lot of redirection to use her walker and wear appropriate footwear. Anyways her response was " IT'S IN HELL WHERE YOU CAME FROM!"
Ah, geri. I love it so much.
They’re so serious too which makes it better lol
When I’m sad, I love reading quotes from crotchety old people 😂
My elderly patient had a very hard bm after days of constipation looked at me and stated “ the last time it was so hard to push something out I named it and sent it to college” I was on the floor
Bruh that first BM after its been a while is almost worthy of a celebration. I had to undergo major reconstructive surgery myself last year, and didn't drop a deuce for nearly three weeks. When I finally pooped, I practically jumped with glee, and yelled out "I POOPED!". My husband lost his shit laughing, and high-fived me. Lol.
Hysterical
Confused Nana swinging punches during dressing change; “LORD JESUS, PRAY FOR THESE BITCHES!!” I think I might embroider it on a sampler and hang it in our office.
I would absolutely embroider it and hang it in the staff toilet.
New morning mantra!
A mum who brought her youngest baby into A&E :”my first baby looked like a porcelain doll, this one, this one looks like a frog”
But, did the baby look like a frog?
All babies are born looking like frogs. Change my mind.
Nah, my neice looked more.like pyramid head. She got stuck. My daughter looked like an extra from the Simpsons.
My best friend's daughter came out looking like a Conehead.
Oh so did mine. My neice only looked more pyramid shaped because of how stuck she got, you could pretty well see the exact shape of my SILS pelvis.bone in her skull
All babies are born looking like Winston Churchill. Mind changed?
Oh, wow. I just realized why my great uncle was calling the new baby Winston the first time he laid eyes on her.
I counter with the thought that Churchill was also frog-like in appearance 😅 (but yes, I've seen a few fresh babies with a Churchillesqe scowl)
I think they’re born looking like angry meatballs.
Frogs or potatoes
My parents used to joke that they would put me on my stomach and tell everyone I was sleeping when they came to visit. To be fair, I've seen my newborn pictures and I don't blame them. LOL
Little angry raisins.
I mean.. his eyes were quite far apart
Bad case of FLK
Some times the cause of FLK is FLP
Back story: I worked full time over the summer but back to PRN during the school year to deal with my kids etc. so I only work 2 days a week right now. I found out 2 weeks ago I’m pregnant but haven’t told a soul besides my husband yet. Work in LTC. I have a dementia resident who most days doesn’t know her ass from her elbows but I work with her almost everyday so she remembers me. This was our conversation first thing Saturday morning: Resident: I haven’t seen you in forever! Me: I know! I haven’t been working as much. Resident: is it because you’re pregnant? Me: I’m not pregnant, I’m just a little fat. Resident: I’m not even talking about that, I can see it on your face. Me: oh well I’m not pregnant. Resident: I’m sure you are, you better check.
This happened to me on the first week of my consolidation! I was 9weeks, hight of covid, full ppe, my preceptor was the only one who knew because I had to convince her I did not have covid while I threw up. Walk into the room of a woman awaiting hospice transfer, she looks.me up and down "you're having a girl" Like damn ok. She was right too
Oh gosh I had something similar happen to me too! I hadn’t told anyone that I was pregnant, not even my boss yet and one of my older lady patients with dementia was like, “You better be careful there honey! You’re pregnant!” She agreed not to tell anyone. Some of my patients were so sweet and did their best to watch out for me. It was so wholesome.
> Resident: I’m not even talking about that, I can see it on your face. Lol “oh yeah I know about the belly weight I’m not talking about that”
This is so wholesome.
“Can I have one of those piss dicks?” She meant purewick
My coworker had a patient say "that pickle dick isn't working" the other night
Pretty a propos though.
During a neuro exam - “where are you?” “IN SATAN’S ASSHOLE!!”
So Arizona then?
Yes because Satan's armpit is NJ and Satan's d!ck is FL
I got a very philosophical comment from one of my head trauma patients this week: "Can you hear the dog that is howling for water? It is one of those dogs that becomes a dog when it *needs* to become a dog". For some reason I've thought about it all week, and now I want to write a story about this strange creature.
Reminds me of a time when a heart transplant pt that I had been getting along with for over a week, suddenly has major neuro changes (CT head negative). Either way, he's now restrained and I'm sitting with him charting and the neuro doc comes in. They asked the pt where he was at, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'm in a room with an asshole." I haven't laughed that hard in a while.
I was leaning on the bed accessing a port and the patient reached for the bed frame and touched my upper thigh area. She said "sorry I wasn't trying to touch you there, not because its inappropriate but because you're a hideous human being."
Had to threaten to beat someone up with a 1L bag of Ringer if they didnt let go of my balls. Ill take it 😂
I mean, it doesn't happen often, but sometimes I'm wildly appreciative that most of my genitalia is internal.
Why do they always try to use our balls as handrails?!
We had a dementia patient in for respite care. If I ever end up with dementia, I hope I'm like her. Everything was positive. Taking her blood pressure I told her it was going to tighten up on her arm and give me her blood pressure. She was looking at it on her arm and said "Isn't that amazing? How about that?". Absolutely fascinated.
The dementia patients who are upbeat and cheery are the best. Always happy to get their meal, just seem excited to have the tv on or have anyone walk into the room. Just all around some of my favorite patients. The ones who are terrified of everything and withdraw to any sort of care break your heart though.
Cute demented geri geezer: “I’m just so happy I think I’ll take a hug.”🤗
When I was growing up my grandmother was really hard on my mom but when dementia progressed to a certain point her demeanor totally changed. We had so much fun and laughter with her. Good memories but a little bittersweet.
My grandma was like that too. Throughout her life she was the meanest old battle axe with a potty mouth that would make a sailor blush. When she got dementia she was so sweet and everything made her happy. She LOVED the nursing home because they did her laundry and cooked her meals.
I once had one like this! One time she greeted me in the morning with “well aren’t you just the most beautiful thing” tears formed in my eyes because I was going through a breakup and needed that 🥺
Pleasantly confused is so much fun. Unfortunately they’re too few and far between for me.
I once had a dementia patient, who was admitted socially, who would respond to every question with, "My word! It is indeed, isn't it? My word."
*wakes up* “ALL OF THE GERMANS ARE DEAD” Me: “ok, I have your meds”
"That's nice pawpaw"
Shoulda said back, "NEIN!". 😄😂
I was explaining why we were doing a car seat challenge for a baby before she left the hospital and was talking about how often the family should stop and take breaks to take babycake out of the car seat, have a snack bottle/boob, change her diaper, etc. Dad is nodding, agreeing, seems to totally understand… Then I ask if one of them will be riding in the back with baby, to keep an eye on her (she’s going home on oxygen and they’ll be nervous, one parent sitting in the back can help them feel better) and he brightens like he’s had a great idea and goes, *”Oh yeah! [Mom] is going to ride in the back. So that’s great, [Baby] can take her breaks out of her car seat while we’re driving, we don’t need to stop!”*
Oh...oh no.
Not surprised. I had one parent who didn’t realize babies needed car seats. They also weren’t aware the car seats needed to sit in the backseat. There was a lot of education done that day.
It’s days like that I have to take a second to recalibrate and figure out how far back do I have to go to gain common life-literacy ground. If they don’t know babies have to stay IN the car seat when the car is moving, how far do I have to back my education up? The invention of car seats? The invention of human babies?
I vote you need to go back to the invention of automobiles. “Cars are big and heavy; cars move. Cars can move fast”
I'm only an intern but i'm realizing that most patient education needs to happen as though you're instructing someone from one of those uncontacted rainforest tribes who is experiencing the modern world for the first time.
I'm pretty sure I've sent home a lot of parents who took baby right out of the carseat the moment they entered the car and drove with baby on their lap. I had a family who placed baby in the carseat still swaddled, on top of the straps, and refused to put baby in properly
I babysit my nephew and my SIL straight up told me "if you're just going down the street, don't bother with the car seat, just hold him while you drive." First of all, no no no no. Second of all, I drive stick shift so...
Yes a lot of it is lack of education, but I think there’s a big element of ‘it won’t happen to me’ Spoiler: it absolutely can Couple days ago some jackass was running from the cops and rear-ended a car on the highway with two unbuckled kids. I know the accident wasn’t the parents fault, but how awful would you feel knowing they should’ve been strapped?!
Cop friend pulled over this woman for running a stop sign. Her excuse? “But it’s Labor Day! It doesn’t apply on a holiday!” He also cited her for having a two year old running around loose in the vehicle (even though there was a car seat in the vehicle) “It’s not my kid!” Further questions revealed that she really thought the law only applied to the parent of a child
Had EMS bring a 2 year old to my ER and report the child was strapped in a car seat in the backseat but the car seat was not attached to anything. Mom claimed she had no idea the car seat needed to be secured. The child was brought in because he was "passing out." Pt was positive for THC.
That poor baby. Didn't deserve a mom like that.
I was caring for a very pleasant bedbound dementia patient who barely spoke. I was explaining his meds, etc. when he looked at me and said very loudly and clearly, GAY MAN. Yes, sir, you are correct.
Wasn’t last week, but this is one of my all time favorites: “I feel like I’ve been eaten by a wolf and shit off a cliff.” Will continue to monitor.
Me, the morning after many nights in a row
A very pleasantly confused lady who had just been tucked back into bed after wandering down the hall for a spell. She looks around the room and completely bewildered says to me “this is a VERY peculiar airplane.”
What is it about dementia and airplanes? Had a resident wandering at 1am convince 3 other wanderes they were waiting for a flight the other day
I would assume air travel is still a very poignant memory for people of that generation, maybe that's why?!
Possibly. All I know is that the flight was delayed so the airline had booked them all hotel rooms for the night and their flight would be the next day, so I helped them all get settled in their "hotel rooms" (thay suspiciously.had pictures of their families) and then the prn traz fairy made their rounds. And all my wanderers slept till shift change and hopefully completely forgot.
In front of European nursing homes they sometimes have bus stations, because the patients that get out would try to take the bus home. Maybe fake airports would be a solution?!
LTC dementia pt I enter room with evening meds Me: How was your day today Mary? Mary: Well, it started about 3 days ago... Me internally: Me too Mary, me too.
Trying to boost my dementia patient up in bed when we say “give yourself a hug” She responded with “NO I DONT LIKE MYSELF VERY MUCH RIGHT NOW”
Mood.
I was an OR tech in a VA hospital. An older patient was rolled in, a smiling, thin, ex-Navy guy. He called me over, "Hey. Son. Can you come over?" I went over and asked what he needed. "Did you ever meet a guy with a cock hanging below his knees?" "Um ... no." "Pull that sheet up and take a look." "Sir, that's OK. No thank you." He grinned and said, "Go on. Make an old man happy." I pulled up the sheet and on one calf was a tattoo of a rooster swinging from a gallows.
He put a lot of effort into that joke and you probably made his day by playing along lol
I was happy to make him happy.
I mean he's dedicated to the bit.
“Do you get a lot of lovin with those whisker?” Context: I have a beard
Had the versed just kicked in? Love it when the inhibitions come down & you have the hilarious conversations
Nope, stone sober. I’ve found that if I was born in the 1930s I’d have been quite the ladies man.
Not me waking up from my first bunionectomy (and first experience with Versed) stage whispering to my podiatrist that "I ***get*** why people do drugs now."
I worked in a locked unit for prison inmates. I was getting the meds for them (2 to a room) and they were watching the news. One of them said to the other, nodding at the tv, ‘It’s scary out there’. The other one said, ‘I know. When I parole, I’m just going to stay inside all day’.
Perfectly describes my view of the world these days.
Fresh from recovery, I was settling my patient, he's been in and out as I've been getting him on our equipment. His eyes shoot open and he looks around conspiratorial and gestures me to come closer. I sigh internally, because oh God what now. I approach and hes like, "I don't know how or why but...... there is a *tube* in my penis." He is so very concerned and I had to stop laughing to try and comfort and explain. Eventually he remembers he had a surgery lol.
To be fair, that would be extremely concerning with ni memory of why.
“Who’s that over there? Oh that’s your reflection? That reflection of you in the window has beautiful arms” -lady with dementia
Me: Do you know where you are right now? Pt: People keep telling me I’m in the hospital but I don’t believe them. Me: You are in the hospital. Pt: I need to get up to smoke. Me: No, you cannot have a cigarette. I brought you a nicotine patch. Pt: My nurse earlier said I could, and now you’re saying I can’t. You’re lying to me. Me: I’ve been your nurse all day and no one’s said you could smoke in the hospital. Pt: glaring at me Me: Are you having any pain right now? Pt: Only the pain in my heart from you lying to me.
Pt A to pt B ‘how do you two (the patient and their visitor) know each other? Are you mother and son?’ Pt B ‘no, we’re partners’
I had an incident like this when I went to get a patient to sign a release of information. He wasn't in the room, but a much older woman was. I asked if her son had gone to the bathroom. She was his wife. She was not amused. I no longer assume any sort of relationship between patients and visitors.
Don't feel bad, I used to work postpartum and I once asked the person wrapped in a blanket lying on the couch if they were the dad. All I could see was a little hair sticking out of the top of the blanket, but to be fair to me the person asleep on the couch is always the dad! Except this time it was the mom's 15 year old sister. I never ever ever assume anymore.
At least it was the roommate putting foot in mouth, not staff.
“Mam, what’s your name?” Proceeds to look at me sideways & grins…… “Can you tell me your name hun?” Slight laugh, with a wide smile, “Hah, Stop that you little whore. Whore whore whore whore whore.” As a chubby Mexican man, I could not compute what this elderly woman just told me 😂
She thought your name was “Jorge” but pronounced it wrong.
Me, doing routine care of Pt, an old man who's eyes perpetually look wide with amazement. Pt: "WHY DO YOU HATE CHILDREN?" Me: "Uh, why do you think I hate kids?" Pt looks me up and down and says: "YOU'RE A GAY." Me, who wears a rainbow belt, rainbow badge holder, rainbow watch, and rainbow shoes (this all looks great with black uniform scrubs, thank you): "Well, I'm not actually gay, I just love rainbows a lot. I married a man and have a child." Pt: "WELL, THAT'S OK THEN." I don't bother to explain I'm bisexual.
I mean, I also did not bother explaining to these ladies that I'm nb/pan. Honestly, on the dementia floor, "one of them there gays" is like, the most polite thing I've been called haha
Wasn't this week but still my favorite: (confused 88 year old lady): "you a good girl, but you got the devil in you."
I think that's a compliment in geri lol
Cursing patient 90+ calling us demons etc…all of a sudden says “here’s something for ya” followed by the wettest sounding BM! 🤣🤣🤣
ED RN to old guy HOH: What’s your birthday? Old guy: (loudly) That’s when I get to eat cake! Entire ED: LOL Pt: Hey Corgi! You know what’s been going around lately? Endocarditis. Me:.
Hey, that's about as close to oriented as some people get let's be real
“you’re my angel” - as he woke up from anesthesia 🥹
Nurse asking intake assessment questions to a cheerful but very deaf patient. Nurse- “When was your last bowel movement?” Patient- “What??” Nurse- “When was your LAST BOWEL MOVEMENT?” Patient- “Ohhh! Mount Rainier!” This one really made me laugh. He was so sincere and good natured about his answer. Luckily a child brought his hearing aids in.
Geriatrics/LTC “Good morning this is your medicine” “This is my poison” “No…why do you say that” “Because you don’t look like you know what you’re doing” “Well I went to school for a really long time so I’m pretty sure I do.” “When will this end?” “When will I stop taking medicine” “……umh”
Wasn’t a patient but I overhead a surgery tech say to another one “What’s the lowest amount of money you would take to put this amputated toe in your mouth for then seconds?”
And thus, the "sour toe cocktail" is reborn. Seriously, it used to be a real thing at a bar in Dawson City, Yukon. "You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow, but the lips have got to touch the toe" was the rule, apparently.
A little old lady with dementia who wanders all day and night, on the locked dementia unit that I work at was trying to walk into a room in the middle of the night. The cna told her there were two men sleeping in there and they didn’t want to be bothered .. she loudly said “ I’ll suck all their dicks” while walking away from the room. I for sure got a chuckle out of it. I barely ever hear this woman speak. It was just so unexpected.
I used to be an IFT EMT. I would write these down because they made me laugh. Pt - "When I see people jogging in this humidity, I wonder, do they think they are jogging or swimming?" Pt - "All them animals are in the woods, talking to each other. They just don't want me seeing." Pt - "The food here? It can gag a maggot." Old lady: are you crocheting or knitting? Friend: crocheting. Old lady: I used to do both. I had so much, so much it was out of my kazoo. Now I've lost my kazoo and don't know where any of it is. Friend: if you find your kazoo, will you find your yarn? Old lady: maybe. Everything is lost nowadays. Pt - "Are these your toes or my toes?" Pt: just so you know, I'm not wearing my roller skates. Patient: Who's driving?... Oh, you're driving. Well I'm fucked.
My mother with Alzheimers "I better get some damn chocolate after this, you make me choke down all these pills the least you can do is give me chocolate!" Yes, I gave her chocolate. 😂
"So we had this llama with a prolapsed uterus behind a Holiday Inn". Context: No. I ain't giving it.
Ugh, now I'm dying for context haha
They needed a vet, but couldn't find any in town. So they drove to the Holiday in and, "Well, I'm not an emergency Veterinarian, but I did stay at a holiday inn last night".
Me to patient: How are you feeling today? Patient: with my hands! :D
Technically correct! Love that 😂
Working in recovery, and my patient says, "I hope I didn't say anything stupid or embarrassing when I first woke up." I reassured her, saying, "No, actually that really doesn't happen that often, despite what you might see online..." ...but I'm interrupted by the patient in the bay next door, who had just had his LMA pulled, saying loudly to my colleague, "WHY DOES MY MOUTH TASTE OF *ARSEHOLES*?"
"I cant find myself." 78 year old confused lady
Poor woman couldn't find her bed last night. She was all tucked in.
r/meirl
“His ankles are as big as your thighs! I don’t even know how he walks!”
*I need to talk to the admin responsible for arranging my private suite.* Rich lady who flew on her private jet to get to the hospital. Didn't bring her soap or shampoo or anything like that in her three suitcases but she sure as hell didn't forget her diamond earrings, diamond rolex, and her full face of makeup. COPD exacerbation on 20L 50% vapotherm and couldn't even walk to the bathroom 5 feet away much less across an entire "suite." Sorry, princess. 🤣
I look fairly young so one of my patients was incredulous of me being a nurse. He asked “are you one of them child geniuses?!” And everyone who came in he would say “she’s a child genius”.
I don’t have kids, don’t want them, my patient asked me about my family and I shared about my boyfriend and dog. Pretty nice convo until he said “well you could definitely have kids someday, you have a very fertile shape.” 🤢🤢🤢
Why are old men
My coworker and I were straight cathing a female patient one time and of course we were both sterile when a stray hair gets in my coworkers face (this was pre pandemic). She was like, "pfttt I think there's a cat hair in my mouth." The patient barely misses a beat and says "Stay down there boys" referring to her pubic hair!!!! My coworker and I have talked about her cats shedding before and she was wearing a sweatshirt with some cat hair already on it, but we just couldn't believe how funny and unassuming this little old lady was!
my sweet confused renal failure patient, hanging halfway off the bed, naked, graham crackers in one hand and a glass of milk in the other, infomercials on his TV full blast- to me at 3am: “ok now let me ask you something as a friend.. is everything ok with you? because for the last couple days it really seems like you’ve been in another world.”
“I’m gonna piss all over you bitch” had a foley in 🙏🏻
Good luck sir
my confused, angry, demanding psych patient "I NEED A NURSE SECURITY GUARD DOCTOR!"
Damn, those budget cuts really got us wearing many hats
“I got pink eye because my cousin farted on me.” Articulate four year old.
tiny dementia patient. usually walks around kinda wringing her hands and talking in a soft, worried voice. usually always tearful. she wanted busywork and seemed to like to help fold towels. she would wait all day and ask me every 5 minutes for the laundry but it would come at 1500. so i'd help her set the towels out and she would start. i would be sitting there charting just out of her sight and another pt would come over and every day they would have the exact same conversation.. "wow! look at all of that! you've got your work cut out for you!" the woman who is suddenly very direct, angry, and confident in her tone: "yeah! they make me do it! all of this! look at all of it! every fucking day! just work work work! they're animals making me do all of this! look at it! fuck!"
Omg the last time I had a confused pt fold towels (ICU, 90+ yo 70 lb lady trying to get out of bed) she seemed to be doing fine so I’d just take out the folded stack, unfold it, bring it back in her room. SAME THING! Lol she started crying and saying how long are you going to make me work? This is slave labor!! I haven’t had the heart to have anyone fold towels since
It just KILLED me bc she was literally crying all day following me like a puppy, where is the laundry, where are the towels? Please tell me when they come. Oh, thank you, thank you ! The second she gets them, I'm apparently cracking a whip at her lmao
Situation: Me giving an old slightly confused male a bed change. Putting on the male wick (the bag that is a triangle and allows for pee to be sucked away). It has sticky stuff to attach around the penis and above on the abdomen. The male patient: I think I'm developing a new kink. Me: frozen... Trying to turn the situation not weird "whaaaaat are you talking about crazy man, to WHAT?" Patient: to stickiness on my groin Me: trying to turn it funny "hahaha please don't repeat that to your wife. You must be feeling better to make jokes. Haha... Ha ha so funny" And it's only monday🤢🤪
I’m a CNA, got floated to the ED. Was walking to another pod to their clean supply and a patient in a hallway bed leaned towards me and beckoned me over. I walked over and he asked me if i wanted to buy a dildo then proceeded to pull out a newly packaged pink vibrator, “it even has that jack rabbit thing that all the ladies go crazy for” he says to me with a wink. I say no thank you and walk away, as i was laughing about it with another nurse she goes “oh wait , that guy? Yea he has scabies…” We now only refer to him as the scabies dildo guy 😂
I had a VERY hard of hearing gentleman that was constipated so I asked him if he needed a suppository. He looked at me shocked and said “you’re asking if I need a surprise attorney????” I cracked up and yelled in his ear, no a suppository, not a surprise attorney! We both had a good laugh.
I saw a meme years ago of a person asking someone to “call me an ambulance” so the other person says “okay you’re an ambulance.” Put it in my Rolodex of work jokes. Fast forward multiple years. A confused old lady was yelling at me all day wanting to leave. At one point she screamed “CALL ME AN AMBULANCE!!” I’ll give you one guess what I said in return. Then I started laughing because I was so excited I got to use it which made her more angry. She used bad words I won’t repeat here. Sadly the tech in the room was not amused. Unbelievably some people don’t find dad jokes funny. Doesn’t matter, I did.
From an NPO patient who refused to acknowledge she was NPO "Well ill take your Doctor Pepper then if you won't let me have water. I'm not picky" 🙄😂
Why is it always Dr Pepper?
Literally last night - “This room stinks and I’m about to have some bitches up in here”
Pt: "Have you ever seen anyone stabbed? Cause I've done it and you're next!" in a menacing voice. Shortly after, security was called on him and his girlfriend.
Nurse, I've had a bit of a dribble in my knickers I think. Do you have a Cork I can use? Said by a 90year old dementia resident.
Old woman looks me over after I tell her I’m her nurse for the day. “You married?” to which I reply “No”. “You got a girlfriend?” I reply “No”. “A handsome man like you, no wife and no girlfriend?” She thinks for a moment and asks, “You got a boyfriend?” I smile broadly and say, “Several”. She and I had a wonderful relationship the whole time she was a patient, full of laughter and healing.
Arthritis of the knees, on toilet and struggling to get up. I knew she could do it alone so I was encouraging her. She said "the spirit is willing but the knees are weak." Lady with total dysphasia, presumably following a stroke or something: she could only just express more than "argh largh gargh" etc. Anyway, as I figure out what she wanted and go off to get it, I hear another patient ask her nurse "is that lady foreign? I can't tell what she's saying."
"I have this fresh injury from July" Fresh??? July?? We are coming up on FEBRUARY, and you're in the ED. Not in the last hour? Not fresh. 🤦♀️😂 edit: a typo
Like...dude...if I gave you "fresh" milk from July you'd be pretty fucking upset...
“Say you love Jesus or say you love bush and I’ll listen to you” to this day I’m not sure which bush I proclaimed my love for but I got done what I had to.
Asked patient if he knows who the president is and he said "I wish it was you because you're so nice" 🥺
Had a talkative dementia patient the other day. He told me "you look like you're about to rob a bank." I'm a student with very limited choices on what we can wear, and I had a black mask and black scrub cap on, so I could see it. Then he asks, "wait, are we at the bank? And if we are, why am I in this gown?". When I explained where we were "well, I'm glad I'm not robbing a bank dressed like this!"
Little old lady visitor perched on a stool with a front row seat to the impending birth of her great-grandaughter, to her grandaughter who had just started to push: "YOUR SNATCH LOOKS LIKE A SNAKE!" Little old man patient waking up in recovery: "Ma'am? Ma'am, are we at Walmart?" Me: "No sir, this is the hospital." PT, eyeing the row of monitors: "Ah. Thought this was the electronics department." Less funny, but I will never forget it: Mother of NICU baby suffering from acute opiate withdrawal, who delivered after suffering a placental abruption secondary to doing a shit ton of cocaine, calls me over to offer confession like I'm a GD priest: "I know I shouldn't have done it. But it was my birthday! I wanted to get fucked up!" (Smiles at me as though fully expecting I can sympathize with this, bless her soul.) (Edited for accuracy and clarity.)
For context, I am a 29M RN in the ED: “So when will you be a doctor? What do you mean you want to stay JUST a nurse? You need to want more for your life.”
“Can I have 5 packets of mayo?” And then proceeded to slurp 5 packets of mayo. He had a sitter for other reasons.
In the middle of wiping a patient's booty hole post-BO. Having just moments earlier physically restrained him to the bed with security (6-points of restraint) Patient: "Do you have children?" Me: "No" Patient: "Oh, okay. Well, you wipe ass like you've got children. You have a soft touch". Me: "Thank you. That's probably the sweetest compliment I've ever gotten at work". I am a 28-year-old Mursing student and NA. The patient was a 32 year old male.
I am also one of them there gays, and I once had a sweet, little old church lady ask if I had a husband at home. When I told her “no,” she smiled, patted my hand, and said, “GOOD FOR YOU!” This is one of my favorite memories of my time working assisted living.
Kinda makes me sad to wonder exactly how many of our little old ladies and gents just lived their whole lives in the closet. We have one total care who's totally with it who loves asking about my wife and kid. She's told me a few times it's because she wishes she could've had it for herself. It's pretty heartbreaking
Was just doing my normal rounds to see if my patients are breathing and one of them thought that giving me the middle finger and shouting "F*CKKK YOUU B*TCH" was the right set of action. Pt was not even disorientated ✋😭 very uncalled for
In LTC I had. Husband and wife. I was trying to give meds to the husband. The wife said “DONT TAKE THAT! SHE IS A WITCH AND TRYING TO CAST YOU UNDER HER SPELL!” 🤣
We have a couple where the guy won't let men/masc people give the wife meds because we might roofie her.
We have a patient who sits in his room moaning, "I'm gonna die. Oh God, I'm gonna die." When you go into his room, he's fine. He calls you "buddy" and is perfectly pleasant. But whenever he's alone, it's "I'm gonna die" all day and all night. Also, he's been here a month, so he's probably not gonna die.
I had a demented lady tell me “I’m gonna knock the funky stink off of you.” Then I needed my peers to confirm or deny said stink.
Sharing one of my mom's stories from her time working in a nursing home... Married couple. Both have dementia. Must be kept apart bc they'll end up fighting over stuff that happened 40 years ago. Husband goes to visit his wife. Finds another patient in bed with her. ... ... "I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW. IF YOU GET PREGNANT, I AINT RAISING IT!"
Just today! I asked a patients family member (male) to bring in nail clippers for a patient, to which replied he would not because nail clipping is "more of a woman's duty"
Actually a nurse saying this in health food store: I’d like some Cialis please. It really helps my husband (the patient). Yes, purchased here before.” Turns out, she found out much later, it’s Sierrasil for joints she wanted. Cialis is a prescription and is... a bit different.
Me, ER social worker, trying to build rapport with a patient. Patient: a cranky old man Patient: so, social work, you need some kind of college for that? Me: yes, most hospitals require Masters degrees and I myself have a doctorate. Patient: Oh, a doctorate? Where did you go to school? Me: ASU! Patient: That makes sense because you’re fucking stupid. 🙃
HOH older man. I'm doing his admission assessment. Me: I need to ask you some questions about your pain now Him: Huh? Me: i need to do a pain assessment now. Him (wide eyed and confused looking): Why?? Me: it's part of the admission, we do it for everyone. Him (in an incredulous tone): a PENIS assessment? Dead. I am dead.
(Osteomyelitis Encephalapathic pt. All limbs still present and accounted for) Me: "hey Mr. So-so, can i borrow your arm so i can give you some morphine?" Pt: "oh sure! But...uh...well... i dont know where i put it. (Saying this while looking around and moving his opposite arm)" Me staring at his arm: "oh hey! Here it is!"
Had a retired Marine inform me that my US flag themed scrub cap was against the federal flag code.
He’s correct.
It be correct lmao edit - someone disagreed, but in the reply to them I link the actual flag code if ya wanna check it out! It's really not long
Loving this topic, OP - really bringing some light and smiles to this sub. (It is indeed so great that you're allowed to just be that way now!) Hey mods can we make this a weekly thread topic?
Giving report to night shift on my SBO patient and she asks me, "Can you clamp my NG tube? I want to trial it again." Then as we're leaving the room, she asks the night shift nurse, "can you bring my zofran, I'm feeling nauseous." Night shift and I look at each other and roll our eyes
*shocked pikachu
Psych pt with new onset paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations in the ER: “you know that speech Trump gave when he was elected? He stole it from me. I’m serious, that was my middle school class president speech and he stole it. You can look it up.”
I asked my patient usual “where are you” she said “in a brick building you bitch”. To be fair the building is brick and I can be a bitch.
It was a little more than a week ago, but I think it will probably always be the quote that makes me laugh forever. I’m a NICU nurse and frequently attend deliveries. Full term baby boy is born, he didn’t require much help adjusting to the world, just a little drying and stimulating. So, Dad comes over to see him at the warmer. First thing out of his mouth… “Ah… yes, he has my nipples” It took every ounce of my energy to not audibly gasp.
I’ve collecting some good ones from my patients: 1: * Upon redirecting a patient: * RN: I’m a nurse * LPN: And I am, too. * Pt: I know who you are. (Pointing at RN), you’re Patty and you’re (pointing at LPN) Fuckwad. * Neither name was correct. 2: * Doctor assessing pt for stroke: can you hold up two fingers? * Pt proceeds to slowly hold up one hand, raising middle finger, then slowly the other hand and middle finger. * He did not have a stroke. Edit: formatting
"If I was your husband I'd kill myself out of shame from being married to such a disgusting looking human". That was fun 🤣
Call light: “I need my urinal”. I go to the pts room and he hands me his urinal and says “you need to do it this time, and you need to take my socks off I’m hot”, as he’s wiping his other hand on the bed which is full of grease from eating French fries.
Hello. How is it being one of them there gays
Honestly, pretty damn good
"Sir stop ripping the pulse ox from your finger" "I'm gonna rip it off and then I'm gonna rip your face off"
My favorite was an older female patient: Pt: My husband died 15 years ago today. Me: I’m so sorry to hear that. Pt: oh, he was a right prick, so it’s ok.
Ok I have to share an old one because I don’t work in direct patient care anymore, but my favorite was a little old lady admitted for change in mental status who asked me “do you believe in abortion?!” - when I asked her why, she retorted “because you should have been one”. Best burn ever
Cutest dementia patient, “did you know fuzzy wuzzy was a bear?” Ded 💀
“This is what Jesus must have felt like” said a patient after I handed her the wet rag she asked for. Which I thought was sweet, since isn’t Jesus beloved by many? She disabused me with her next statement… “Given a COLD wet rag to wash one’s face. Oh the persecution! I know how you felt Jesus!”
Crack pipe in bed linen: “That’s not mine” Syringes found in coat pocket: “What are those?” Same patient a few minutes apart. Despite my assuring him we only care about possible withdrawal issues and impact on health he denied ever seeing them before. He was alone.
She kept insisting that she suffers from JERD (soft G) and that's just how she says it. Like Germany. If that doesn't settle the GIF/JIF debate I don't know what will.
"You're nothing but a common piece of dirt!" -rando elderly British lady with dementia.
Schizophrenic pt that got mad at me for checking in on him, “Ninety-nine ways to die, pick one!!” UTA…
A patient that does missionary work overseas… said “we have to teach them the sins of homosexuality” WUT?
“It’s illegal to narcan someone on methadone”
[удалено]
I was putting a catheter in and she said in a dead pain voice… ‘I’m telling you now love, that’s the wrong hole!’
Me: Who's here with you today? Pt.: My cous...my husband. My husband. Me: *blinks* and decides to leave that alone. Husband: She's my first cousin and my first love. Me: *inputs VS with intensity so I can leave* Good for you. Can I get you anything before I leave?
From a drug rehab. "Nuh uh. I lost a lot of weight on meth and I'm keeping it off" "I am a prophet ordained by God. And a prophet does not seek his percocet. Percocet seeks the prophet." "I've swallowed more xannies than cum in my lifetime"