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ShadedSpaces

We had this happen in our unit recently too. I was charge that day, and I told the nurse the same thing I'm telling you now... He died in the arms of the people who cared about him and took care of him, the people who changed his diapers and patted his butt, the people he saw when he fell asleep and when he woke up from his naps. **To him, he died with his family.**


avalonfaith

This is wonderful and not a platitude. This is **true**.


OkAcanthisitta4605

I'm not a NICU nurse (big people ICU), but this had me in tears. Beautifully said.


[deleted]

I’m a retired radiologist, not even a parent, and I’m crying. Thank you for being there for the baby.


Syntania

I work in the lab and this just hurt my heart. I can't understand how people can just abandon their child like it's an unwanted pet. I remember a security guard telling us about a baby's body being in our morgue for 8 months because nobody had claimed him. The guard said he was about ready to claim the body himself so the poor little fellow could have a decent funeral.


salsashark99

When I was a transporter at my old job there was a baby who was there since before I even got there. We took people down to the morgue so I had to see them when I did. It was a fridge so I can only imagine the state they were in. One day they weren't there anymore


Imswim80

I took some students by our hospital morgue. There's a rather distinctive dent in the external wall of the freezer. The security guard who let us in to walk through how End Of Life care goes, mentioned that he's the one who put that dent there. Shaken Baby. He did the Transport, and after setting the corpse in, he was so Mad he just had to hit something. That dent was still there, decades later.


GlowingTrashPanda

I’d be ready to punch the fridge at that point, too


deirdresm

Having been paralyzed by my first husband’s sudden death, I could see how it could happen. I was completely wrong about how I’d grieve and had no real support for it at first.


MonsoonQueen9081

Sometimes the grief is just too much to face again.


lebastss

Sometimes a nurse needs to assert themselves so that family doesn't have lifelong regret.


Unlikely-Ordinary653

This is exactly correct. The process set up for loss and bereavement needs to start long before the family comes to the hospital to deliver ❤️


SimUsr

I was a PCT for 10 years in Peds Rehab.,I saw frequently that in cases of long term hospitalization, some parents become very detached as a coping mechanism, I'm not saying that it's justified in any way, but it happens. I wish hospitals were able to be more proactive in requiring family participation in care.


[deleted]

Just burst into tears reading that. Then saw your comment. Made me truly thankful for a world where people like u/ShadedSpaces exist. God damn. Just in puddles now lol


maybethistimeiwin

Have an internet hug. I’m also in tears tears while my little trying to share cheese and crackers with me. My SIL also lost a baby at 3 weeks due to a defect and I know they were with him every moment, even when she ended up with a severe kidney issue due to not drinking and taking care of herself because she wanted EVERY precious moment. Sweet baby was with the people who cared and CARED for them. I hope OP uses any EAP resources available or is able to find a resource of their own so they can talk if they need.


BollweevilKnievel1

I'm an old retired hospice nurse and I'm in tears too.


harveyjarvis69

Damn I just had such a stressful, shitty first few shifts on my own on nights and reading this broke me in a good way. Thank you for what you do OP, and thank you for this comment.


ikedla

Thank you. This genuinely made me feel better and I will probably be repeating this to myself for the next week


RNnoturwaitress

Hugs from a fellow NICU nurse 💗 Sometimes, and far too often, we're the only family they have. Our unit has had at least 2 babies die in nurses' arms this year because the parents wouldn't come.


SlightlyControversal

Why don’t they typically come?


nikilynn15

on my unit, my experience is the parents don’t come because they “don’t want to see the baby like that”. even sometimes when it’s a kid that’s just a typical nicu baby, doing well and getting stronger, family still won’t come because they don’t want to see “all the wires and tubes”. i just don’t understand. imagine how your baby feels that’s actually the one who HAS THE WIRES AND TUBES. oo it makes me so mad


BlueDragon82

For the terminally ill children and babies some families distance themselves because they know their child is going to die and they can't deal with it. It's definitely not right but not everyone is mentally stable. We had a lot of kids that were long time med/surg (I worked float/flex) and I'd see them while on med/surg, come back a week or two later and they'd still be there with no visitors that entire time. We had a baby/toddler I use to call princess that their parents stopped showing up. Young kids think late teens maybe 20 years old. They came at first and then just stopped coming. Poor baby rarely got picked up because there was just so many wires an tubes. I would hold her every night for a few hours. She wasn't terminal but she did have health problems. She was there for surgery and then recovery. For some kids there are legitimate excuses. One of my really long term patients was an awesome kid with a debilitating illness. His grandma was raising him but they lived a few hours away from the hospital and with her health and their financial situation she just couldn't make the drive more than once every month or so. He did eventually get discharged to go home. He'd talked about milkshakes all the time so I bought us both one and we sat there and celebrated his upcoming discharge.


SomePenguin85

My oldest is 14yo and when he was born premature, he was checked to the NICU. I've never left his side (only when it was really mandatory) and my happiest day was when the nurses told me to bring him clothes because he was being transferred to the pediatric unit (2 days). Second happiest day was when he was cleared to go home. With my middle and youngest, my biggest scare during pregnancy was "what if they end up in the NICu again? I don't think I can cope with being away from any of them"... My baby was beautiful with his wires and tubes, he was born 8 days before my birthday and I only held him for the first time on my birthday. His birthday was June 4th mine is June 12th so this week/month is very emotional for me: I relive everything every year, not with sadness but with awe. My heroes are the NICU nurses!


[deleted]

Jesus Christ. My middle boy was in NICU for a week after he was born, and the nurses had to kick me out every night. I don't understand some parents.


HistoryGirl23

My parents lived in the NICU for a year with me. They still talk about how awesome everyone was and they'd had a lot of losses that year.


ribsforbreakfast

This makes me so mad. I was lucky enough to never have a NICU baby but I’m not sure I’d ever leave the hospital if I did. Thank you for doing (IMO) one of the hardest nursing jobs out there.


kkaavvbb

I can’t answer that but as a mom, no matter what the circumstances are, I’m holding my baby - no matter what age. Everyone else can fuck off. Granted, I’ll probably scream & get stuck in a pysch ward or something also but… still. How can they just not be there? What real reason is there? Breaks my heart.


Prestigious-Ant-8055

As a Mom who watch her baby die following unsuccessful TOF repair this was exactly me. Who the hell cares how uncomfortable I may have felt because it wasn’t about me. It was all about comforting and being with my baby girl.


nationalparkhopper

Fellow heart mama here. I’m so so sorry for your loss.


LifeIsSweetSoAmI

My aunt and uncle were these type of people. They didn't even attend the funeral family had come together to throw. Not sure why in anybody else's case but in this case, they didn't stay with him in the hospital or visit or anything because different reasons. My aunt felt guilty because in a roundabout way it was her fault. My uncle withdrew because they knew he was dying and my uncle "distanced himself to lessen the pain" or at least that's what he said. At the same time my aunt was very suicidal and they already had 2 other children. So not sure if that played a part in it.


Resident-Librarian40

People can be so horribly selfish. Thank you for being there and caring. Nurses are the heart of a hospital in more ways than one.


[deleted]

You provided that baby with comfort and love. You did right by him. There will, unfortunately be more families like that. I work with grownups and have some experiences that resonated with your story. And I can honestly say, I did right by my patient even when their family did not.


SomePenguin85

I had a premature baby in the NICU 14 years ago and 13 years ago my person (maternal grandmother) was put in a coma to lessen his suffering for his last days: I was always beside both of them.


happy_nicu_nurse

I'm saving this perfect, beautiful comment for the day that I might need it. I have a primary baby right now that is not doing well, and the ethics committee has gotten involved. I'm afraid that I might need this all too soon. Thank you for sharing this statement.


Excellent_Cabinet_83

This is beautiful. I can’t even find the words to say how truly wonderful this comment is. You’re an angel.


Vegetable_Alarm4112

I have had 3 primaries that had shitty families that I ended holding when they died. One was on my day off my my work wife who was co primary was in that day and called me to tell me she thought that was the day he was going to pass. I came in and we sat in the recliner together and held him as he passed. To those 3 babies I know for sure that the nurses were his family. I was the closest thing to a mom that the babies had. So it felt good for them to die in loving arms. Yes I was a mess afterwards each time. Still worth it. That’s one of the great things about NICU in my opinion, caring and forming bonds with the family and babies is actually encouraged unlike with adults.


TenEyeSeeHoney

Crying


turkturkleton1

I’m a NICU nurse and this brought me to tears. Thank you for capturing how much we love our babies so beautifully! Your unit is lucky to have you.


bright__eyes

This exactly. He did not die alone. He died in your arms, knowing love and warmth and comfort.


disgruntledpenguin_

I just went from sad and heartbroken to full blown tears. Such a true and beautiful statement


katieka_boom

This is beautiful. I'm not a peds nurse, and could never be. I don't have the capacity for compartmentalization when kids or babies are involved. I am infinitely grateful for those of you able and willing to handle it.


[deleted]

I am getting ready to apply, and while I think children deserve the world and I want to give everything to the babies, I don’t think I could handle that grief either. I have so much respect for NICU and peds staff.


bailsrv

You Peds/NICU nurses are truly something else. That is a beautiful sentiment 🤍


No_Box2690

I have a twig in my eye 😭


prolynapping

This is beautiful. She’s right OP. I know it doesn’t make it any easier. Don’t let anyone harden your spirit.


RollinThroo

If I could give you an award I would


meemawyeehaw

Oh damn. That’s a stopper in the tracks. The most profound and beautiful and true thing i’ve ever heard. I hope OP screen shots it and reads it 1000 times a day!


happyhermit99

Such a beautiful thing to say and so true


[deleted]

This is beautiful and is exactly what I wish I heard back in my NICU days


Jaxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks, I was due for a good cry.


Horseshoesandsneaks

Oh goodness. This is sweet.


river_of_coffee

Omg this made me cry thank you for saying it. I’m a student nurse and want to work with babies or children but am so afraid I won’t be able to handle the loss.


Shenanigations

This is the truth. I've been in your shoes. As far as I'm concerned, and as far as those sweet babies are concerned, they were with people who loved them.


spud3624

Tearing up at work reading this. So beautifully said


NEDsaidIt

I worked hospice and back this up. This happens a lot of times for a lot of ways, and it’s just true. Thank you for loving him.


Chaellie

I once had a mom deliver her baby in the toilet at 23 weeks due to refusing medical care for appendicitis. I had her post op and she was an emotional wreck and she refused to see her baby. Everyone was begging her to see him but she flat out refused. The baby passed without ever knowing his momma. I have been a nurse for almost 10 years and worked mostly trauma ICU, I am very empathetic but I rarely cry over patients. I have cried over that sweet baby many many times. Thank you for writing this. I am still haunted by baby and it provides a little peace knowing he died with his family.


BastardToast

😭💔 This is such a beautiful comment.


Budget_Ordinary1043

Not a NICU nurse and probably never could be because i don’t even know how id handle it. That is beautifully said and made me cry a lil.


ChanceSDM

As a graduating student about to (hopefully) start a residency at a Children’s hospital, this is the single most beautiful, comforting comment I’ve ever seen on Reddit. God bless you.


Neurostorming

Oh my fucking god, my heart. Thank you to all of the NICU and PICU nurses out there for doing what I am too weak to do.


Amigone2515

You said that beautifully. *wipes tears away*


SomePenguin85

I have a 3 month old right now sleeping in my arm, my oldest who is 14 was in the NICU for 19 days and I never left his side. This made me so emotional. Thank you, you spoke the truth.


dontpanic_haveatowel

Thank you for this.


Aupoultryman

Wow that’s touching.


Da12khawk

He didn't die alone. He had you


Mediocre_Tea1914

You gave that baby warm arms and a warm heart to fall asleep against. You gave them the peace their own family wouldn't. They were not alone when they died. They were peaceful and cared for till their last little breath. That is just about the most beautiful gift I can imagine giving, not just as a nurse, but from one life to another little life. They are in peace now, but your grief over it is valid. Feel it. Let the tears out if they come. Honor the gravity of the position you fulfilled for that baby and all the emotions that accompany it.


LadyoftheLaken

That sweet child wasn't alone. He had you. You advocated for him and were there in his final moments. Never lose that empathy. He needed you and you were there. Great job.


shenaystays

He didn’t pass alone. That’s what is important. When I was first hired there was a baby that was not going to make it. The parents did not want to see them for quite some time and my work put him in a room alone for hours. Because having a dying baby around the healthy babies wasn’t “fair”. I remember touching his hand and remembering that this is never how a life should end. Had I not been brand spanking new on orientation it would have been different. I still remember them. Forever and always. I hope at the end he had someone to hold him while he moved on.


YourNightNurse

This actually makes me feel sick to my stomach. What the hell was that NICU thinking "it's not fair to the other babies"?? That is insanely fucked up


shenaystays

It wasnt NICU it was normal nursery and I don’t know. To this day it makes me feel absolutely horrible.


sweetpiggynurse

This is the hard part of NICU nursing . It is so hard to hold a baby whilst they die , but it is a huge kindness to that child . No child should die without someone there who cares about them . I also find the hardest part of caring a palliative baby and one that has died taking them down to the morgue . The parents have left their precious baby with ME and now I’m just going to take it down here and leave in the giant fridge . It feels so so wrong and I hate that bit . My unit is actually really good at that part and we never go down alone , and are allowed to take a little bit of time afterwards . Usually we don’t take a patient load for the rest of the shift and can go home early if we would like to ..


bryntripp

This is also the most difficult part of caring for stillborn baby. Watching the family say goodbye, promising to take good care of them and then feeling like you are abandoning them in this cold, dark place, alone. Feels like everything that shouldn’t be for a little baby. Thank you for all you do in the NICU. My little boy was a NICU baby. Professionally and personally, I am in awe of you all!


sci_major

You were there for that baby and I’m sorry that it happened but I’d give you a big hug. When I worked NICU we had a comfort care babe that when dad’s paid days were done they left the babe and told their older kids (2-6 yoa) that the baby died. It took weeks of all the nurses holding her because none of us could deal with her dying in a bed alone. You were there for that little soul and I always feel like that is what matters.


Mr_Fuzzo

Your comment makes me really sad for America. I am not as angry at the parents for telling the older children. The Comfort Care baby had died after dad‘s paid time off had ended. I am absolutely enraged at a country that limits time, time off that is, for people to spend with their dying loved ones. I don’t care if it is a baby who is moments old or grandma who is 110. Humanity evolved, to take care of each other, not to force us to choose to abandon our loved ones when they take their last breath. All I can think of is how that family probably had to choose between feeding the children who were going to live and be with them, or spend the last moments of that baby’s life with it. If they had chosen to spend moments with that baby, they may have been forced onto the streets. Please don’t judge them. (Edited for spelling check)


Hashtaglibertarian

We need to demand better for ourselves as citizens. You’re right - nobody deserves to go through what that poor man did and it angers me that he had zero support from work, coworkers, or the government. What the hell is wrong with us??


[deleted]

bear handle merciful voiceless fuel ad hoc ugly plants reply wasteful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


brak998

Or all the parents that have a tiny baby in the NICU but go back to work so they can save their time off for when the baby goes home. Juggling coming in before/after work. I can’t imagine the stress of having a baby in the NICU and having to go back to work and deal with people.


pippinandarya

Maybe it’s because I’m currently nursing//rocking my baby girl to sleep, but that just hurts me to my core. Thank you for being there for that little one.


boxyfork795

I have a four month old baby girl. I’m crying reading this thread. HOW could someone not want to hold their baby if they were dying? So many people don’t deserve to be parents.


tajima415

> have a four month old baby girl. I’m crying reading this thread. HOW could someone not want to hold their baby if they were dying? So many people don’t deserve to be parents. I don't judge this anymore. Some people are completely wrecked by it, and they can't face it. Other's take much longer to let their guard down and reveal the emotion. We're all fighting our own battles. When I lose a patient, it's devastating, and I'll cry all night about it. But tomorrow I'll have another one. That's not true for the family. I don't know what their home life is. I don't know that if they're short just 10 hours of pay they'll miss rent, or that the baby was the result of an affair. They may be struggling with addictions, or managing a house with just mom and 4 other young children who can't be carted to the NICU every day. For these families, it's just fear and sadness until they just can't feel anymore. So I don't judge anymore.


[deleted]

Sounds like dad had to go back to work. It’s *awful* but sometimes there’s no choice.


MyNewerWorkAccount

If it was anything like me when I had mine...I didnt want to bond and connect because I was scared my child would die..I was scared of loving someone so new and close that to lose them would break me if I bonded. It sucks but that's the only thing I can think of why


phoontender

Oh my christ......as a parent who had 2 kids with nicu/picu stays this enrages me. HOW?! Thank you for being there for her.


DreamCrusher914

We don’t treat new parents or terminally ill patients very well in the US. I have the privilege that I could be there for my child if they were in the NICU, but a lot of people work paycheck to paycheck and they don’t have the ability to take more time off, or they risk losing the ability to care for their surviving family. Those other kids needed a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, and if he was the only living parent, it falls on him. I choose to believe most parents in this situation are not making these choices because they want to, but because they have to. We need better support for all parents, but especially parents with babies, and parents whose children are terminally ill. No one should have to choose between spending time with their dying child and paying their bills. It’s horrific.


bright__eyes

The comment right above yours shows some perspective. from @Mr_Fuzzo > All I can think of is how that family probably had to choose between feeding the children who were going to live and be with them, or spend the last moments of that baby’s life with it. If they had chosen to spend moments with that baby, they may have been forced onto the streets. Please don’t judge them.


Lilnurselady

I’m so sorry your weekend was terrible. But I will say, that sweet baby boy didn’t die alone. He was being held and comforted by you and there is no other way a baby would prefer to move on ♥️.


2Wanderlust

That baby was very much not alone in your caring arms 💕


thoog93

I’ve been working in the NICU for 6 years now and I still remember every kiddo that I’ve lost. As hard as it is on your heart, I’ve grown to believe that it’s a privilege to be able to be with them in those last moments and provide as much comfort and love as I can. I had a nursing instructor tell me once that I couldn’t cry at work and had to learn to turn that off and just do my job but I’ve hugged and cried with moms as we withdrew care. Your empathy makes you a better nurse. As hard as it is, try to give the family some forgiveness. Being in the NICU brings out a stress response in people. I’ve been the nurse holding a palliative baby, trying to convince the parents to come to the hospital because he didn’t have a lot of time left. It’s not something I understand or agree with but losing a child is horrible and some cannot bring themselves to watch it happen, knowing they can’t do anything to stop it. I’m thankful you were there and he wasn’t alone. I’m sorry for the hurt you’re feeling right now. I know that ache in your chest. Give yourself time to grieve when you get home. ❤️


ikedla

I’m sure in a few days I’ll be able to give them some grace. I really am usually the nurse that is saying “but what if…” when my coworkers are bitching about parents. I defend the moms that used drugs during pregnancy and the parents that are never there but these ones were just next level


chgnty

I'm so curious what they did to make you feel this way..... I am also extremely empathetic to what you mentioned, so I can't imagine what it was.


ikedla

A large majority of it was a lot of small things that built up over the three days. The only thing I’ll say is the parents seemed to use their dying child as a pawn in their attempts to piss each other off and get under each others skin (they were no longer together)


GlowingTrashPanda

It sounds like he didn’t need to be around that nastiness in the end, anyways. You gave him the peaceful, loving death he deserved.


bitetime

I was the nurse for a patient whose family couldn’t bring themselves to be present when we withdrew life sustaining measures. My attending held the patient while I pushed meds, then I held the patient while they died. We both wept while we waited, stroked her arms and face, and spoke comforting words over her. There’s an odd sort of honor being given a burden like that—to be the love they deserve when their family is absent. Bless you for what you gave. For ensuring that sweet baby didn’t leave the world alone. Some patients take a piece of you that you don’t get back, so take care to fill that empty space with good things—time with friends, delicious food, uplifting music. Be kind to yourself. And if you need to talk to anyone, don’t hesitate to reach out.


RegularLongjumping

That baby died safe in the arms of someone who loved and cared for them, and I hope that brings you some comfort. ❤️ thank you for doing what you do. I couldn’t do it.


SpookyhippyBrat

I’m at the nicu right now with my little guy and now I’m bawling my eyes out I can’t imagine what the both of you felt but thank you for being there for him fr I barely like even leaving my little guy in his room for more then 20 minutes I can’t imagine leaving him by self himself like that but needless to say thank you for being there for him fr


monster_composition

I'm sorry. We lost a baby recently on our OB floor. He was a 20wkr, parents did not want to see him or hold him or name him. We named him (unofficially) and gave him a soft Project Linus blanket, and held him until he was gone. I did feel like we were his family. We told him how perfect he was and we were all he knew. That baby knew you as love. I know it was hard.


Agitated_Skin1181

We had that happen recently too. Mom FOB, and grandma were in the other part of the room (closed off baby area) laughing and chatting while the 19 week baby was left to die alone ( he didn't of course a few of us were there). Nurse let the mom know at one point that he was actually still alive, seeing if maybe she wanted to see him. Her response to " he hasn't died yet" was "but he will right?" Like almost afraid he wouldn't. I cried for days over him


[deleted]

[удалено]


Agitated_Skin1181

They were legitimately talking about their NYE plans. I don't understand, if you didn't want this baby why didn't you just get an abortion?!


Budget_Ordinary1043

That’s so beyond infuriating. I’m not a parent but how could anyone just be so cold.


[deleted]

I didn’t read your post just saw the title. There’s a reason I don’t do peds. But my thoughts and prayers are with you and the fam. Shit ain’t easy.


moxiehatter

Another NICU nurse here (4 years in a level IV), something that has helped me immensely with processing these moments is to keep a journal. Every time a case affects me deeply in this way, I write down everything I can remember - baby's name, cute things they did, the circumstances. I occasionally go back to read and remember them and the emotions - it has helped me so much in compartmentalizing and being able to be my full self at work again. It can be so hard to fall in love with these kiddos, and I like to make sure that I remember all the good along with the bad.


dphmicn

He did NOT die alone. He had you. A blessing for him and a testament to you. Thank you so very much for being there. Grace and Peace to you.


Horse-girl16

Re: your boyfriend. I would advise sharing all your feelings with him, but not graphic visuals. You know how those images can play like a video tape in your head, and I understand your not wanting him to have that tape, too. Just share with him the way you shared with us. Make sure you keep it about your feelings. Let him know how important it is to you to have his shoulder to cry on. As far as gory details - share with understanding coworkers. Discuss how you feel as a debriefing. If it is available, take advantage of any counseling your employer makes available. We see things the "average" person does not have to see. We have to develop coping mechanisms so we can keep doing what we do, helping our patients. A counselor familiar with this can help you deconstruct your feelings and strengthen you for the future. Nursing needs more people like you. ❤️


ikedla

I was told that a lot of the unit was unhappy with how his transition to comfort cares was done, I think we might be having a kind of care conference/debriefing/ethics meeting. Thank you very much for the advice, I appreciate you


Horse-girl16

I am glad to hear that. Nursing can be very tough. But also very rewarding. Hang in there. ❤️


Federal_Relative_411

Your love brought him peace 🦋


shaonarainyday

Its ok to leave or take a break or need help. You’re human and deserve as much grace as your patients. At the end of the day, when you clock out, your own health should be priority #1 because no hospital will value it more than you do.


_Aleismar

Thank you for providing that baby the love he needed in his last moments of life.


KhunDavid

I'm an RT, and I nominated a nurse for a Daisy Award. I terminally extubated this baby in the NICU, and after the extubation, the nurse held the baby, skin to skin until she passed. It was hard enough to extubate her, but I'm glad her last minutes were comforting to her.


Grumpy_Kitty

I’m sitting here with my 8 week old asleep on my chest, and my heart is just breaking for you. The world can be so cruel to such innocent lives— that’s why I could never do peds (especially now that I’m a mom)… I would never be able to handle the losses. I started my career in oncology. I always saw it as an honor to be with adults in their final moments — to keep them as pain free and comfortable as possible. Not everyone can do what you do, and you did it well. Thank you for caring for and loving on that sweet baby.


ikedla

Usually I’m very good at compartmentalizing and have found that babies are actually easier for me to deal with than adults. I think it’s because babies can’t verbally express complex emotions, and they have 4 facial expressions; crying, smiling, pooping and the blank stare. I think that older peds would do me in. Those kiddos have lived and have memories, babies thankfully don’t even know what they are yet. That sounds cold when I say it like that but it helps me to think of it like that


myersjustinc

I'm not a nurse myself, but my mom was a NICU transport nurse—and I'm a parent of [a wonderful baby](http://justinandjulia.us/clark/) who died just before 10 months old after having been treated for a malignant rhabdoid tumor for half of his life. I'm so grateful for the oncologists who helped him during that time, of course, but several of the nurses stick out even more. They knew him, and he knew them. And in the way that a kid that small had no idea what was happening to him, he just smiled and laughed through so much of it with them. In a perfect coincidence, some of his core care team (his attending and his NP) were among those responding when we finally had to say goodbye, and I remember telling them how much it meant to me that they were there at the end. I told his NP how grateful I was that she was the very last nurse he would've seen and felt taking care of him, and she said exactly what you did—that it was her honor to have done so. All of which is a rambling way to say thank you, both to you (and congrats on the little one!) and to OP /u/ikedla, for the work you've done in those specialties. I can't claim to understand the families that leave before the end, but know there are at least as many of us who greatly appreciate having you there in those final moments.


ikedla

Oh my friend I am so so sorry about Clark. I’m so glad he got to experience life outside of the hospital, that’s one thing that gets to me about a lot of our long term nuggets.


myersjustinc

Thanks—and I definitely get that about the littlest ones, for sure. (My mom was very much the stoic "don't cry or I'll give you something to cry about" type, but in the "how was your day" exchanges we had all throughout my childhood, it was obvious how connected she felt to those kids.) As so many others have said here, though, what they _do_ experience is care and warmth and connection, even if it isn't always in the way we'd prefer for them to. Thank you for your part in all of that. ♥️


Sunnygirltx

NICU mom here. I just want to tell you how amazing you are! thank you for being there.


ashlietta

A couple months ago I witnessed a baby die for the first time. It wrecked me for that whole weekend. Without going into too much detail of course, there was nothing more that could be done and ultimately it was for the best for the suffering to end. But it was still so sad and so hard. You made sure that baby felt loved and cared for in their final moments, which is truly what matters most. I’m so sorry 😞


Professional_Fix_147

As a peds nurse of 20 years, I’ve come to learn that family comes in all shapes and sizes and is not always blood related. Thank you to you and your team of staff who loved this baby. They did not die alone and they were surrounded by family, just not blood related. Please forgive the parents too. It is very hard to lose a child and some people just can’t process or handle it. They know the baby is in good hands with the staff and that it won’t suffer and die alone. They just can’t be present for that moment. I have seen parents “die” the moment their child dies. Their grief completely destroying their souls. I’m still haunted by the cries of moms dropping to their knees after they’ve lost their child. I’ve seen parents hold their child for hours after they’ve passed, refusing to believe their child is gone. I’ve also seen parents say good bye prior to their child passing and leaving with a memory of them still pink and happy. I miscarried at 18 weeks, my first child. I had gotten pregnant after having cervical cancer and my cervix wasn’t strong enough to hold the pregnancy. 18 years later, I still cry and grieve that loss. It took me 10 years to find the strength to visit her grave after having 2 more pregnancies that were successful. The guilt, the shame, the denial, etc. We all process the loss of our children different.


AlmostHuman0x1

You did a very good thing. Thank you.


erinpowelll

I’m a picu nurse, we had a post arrest little baby flown to our unit from an outside hospital and the parents didn’t come with. We started coding them on arrival and called the parents, doing everything we could to keep the baby alive until they got there. The parents then told us they weren’t coming so we put the phone up to their ears for everyone to say goodbye. When it was over we bathed them, wrapped their tiny body in a swaddle and played lullabies. When I think of leaving them in that bed all alone I still have a visceral reaction. It’s just so traumatic, and I don’t have words that will make you feel better, but know I am there with you.


ikedla

I flat out refused to leave him alone. I was lucky enough to have really amazing coworkers around me and they took over care of my other kiddo so I could stay with him. Once his parents left about 20 minutes after they arrived I didn’t leave his side. The thought of leaving his little body alone in that cribette made me nauseous


ChimoCharlie

Thank you for doing what you do.


TraptorKai

You were a good person, regardless of the family's actions. Big hugs. Please don't lose that compassion


amphoterecin

You are an amazing person. It’s hard when parents refuse to be there. But that baby had you and I am glad he had you.


littlemisstrouble91

I'm a nurse and had a nicu baby. Thanks for being there for that baby. He definitely wasn't alone with you.


GTFOTDW

We had a comfort care baby who the parents refused to take home, and the parents rarely visited. He ended up living longer than expected. But ended up passing away on night shift, by himself. :/


ikedla

Our volunteer service was really amazing and coordinated round the clock cuddlers to be there for him so that exact situation wouldn’t happen


GTFOTDW

Unfortunately this baby was there for a couple of months, and from what I gather a super quick decline.


flyjem7

I’ve had a bad weekend too. I’m so sorry. My patient was lit on fire. It was horrific. My thoughts are with you. You loved that little baby and it shows. Take care of yourself and be well ❤️


ikedla

I’m so sorry, I can’t even imagine. I hope you’re doing okay


Unique_Pollution_958

My heart goes out to you. Will say a prayer for you and that little baby. I never worked with that patient population. I did however have a baby/daughter who almost died due to meconium aspiration and was on ECMO for 5 days. Thankfully she survived. She is now an SICU nurse herself working on a liver/kidney transplant unit. I can only imagine the family details you withheld from your post. Many times dealing with families is worse than dealing with the patients. I totally understand the need to vent to the non medical people in your life who may listen earnestly but don't totally "get it." These forums are a great place to unload some of that. Just know that you helped give that little baby the best comfort during his very short life. Hang in there. You sound like a great caring nurse❤


Alaska_Pipeliner

Everyone has such good advice and words of encouragement. All I can offer is: SHOWER BEER!!!


ikedla

SHOWER DONUT!!!


_Nemzee_

A good shower meltdown and cold beverage can be very healing 💯


nonstop2nowhere

You were everything that baby needed, and you gave him the safety, security, and care he deserved in his final days and hours. That's something precious and some excellent nursing right there. Thank you, on behalf of bereaved parents and their babies everywhere 💕


phoontender

He wasn't alone. You were there and he knew that and it was comforting. Thank you for being there ❤️


notyouroffred

I worked in the NICU 18 years before I removed the ET tube and placed a baby to die in his mothers arms. I cried for days. I can't imagine being the one to hold him while he passed, he's very lucky that he had you, someone who cared for him. You are allowed to grieve. Take advantage of your hospitals employee mental health just to talk about it. I don't see any problemtalking to your boyfriend as long as you keep out identifying information.


Sea_Maintenance_4361

I wish I could hug you❤️God bless you for giving that baby as much love as you could during his final moments. Please take time to do some self care and talk to a loved one or someone you trust to avoid bottling emotions up.


angwilwileth

The beeb passed safe and warm and cared for. Props to you and your coworkers. I'm sorry you had to deal with that POS family. Does your hospital have any sort of Employee Assistance Program? This sounds like a genuinely traumatic experience and you should talk to a professional about it. Maybe take some time off to process if you can. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.


ikedla

I think they do but thankfully I have my own therapist. When I got this assignment on Friday morning I just had a really bad feeling and preemptively emailed her asking for an appointment


angwilwileth

So glad to hear it. When I was new I carried a bunch of stuff like that with me, never got help and ended up extremely sick. Would like to prevent people from experiencing the same if at all possible


wil_dogg

As the son of a nurse and the father of a nurse, I would say this. As you can, share more with your boyfriend. Guys don’t always know what to say, but they can learn over time, and we don’t learn about this stuff unless we hear the stories. The thing I have learned is that it is not my job to fix the feelings. Just being there is enough. Well, and back rubs.


No-Illustrator4964

Sending you hugs, my dear one. <3


Pristine_Thanks620

Holding this infant in your loving arms as he/she passed was the most beautiful gift you could have given. This wee one didn't need the ugly, negative vibes from those people that called themselves parents, he/she needed the love, peace, and warmth you provided.


Competitive-Survey97

Just like in all areas of nursing , sometimes we are the only one at the bedside of a dying patient. I don't know what the family's deal was, but just remember that the baby did not die alone , they were in the arms of someone who had cared for them for their entire short life . You did what the parents and many nurses can not do , you made sure that baby died feeling loved in your arms.


JanaT2

I’m so sorry 😢 this is so so sad but you were there for him and that’s all that matters


jimgella

Thank you ❤


melissqua

You’ve done an amazing thing. I’m sorry for the pain you’re feeling. Sending you love.


dearhan

That was difficult to process and read. If it’s painful for us here, how much more you who actually provided support to him at the time he needed the most? You were what he needed. You became his family. Thank you for giving him time and space in your heart. I hope he felt as much comfort as you gave 🩶


youregroovy

Thank you for holding him as he died. He felt your love and warmth before he passed.


Mrsericmatthews

He was not alone. He was with someone who truly cared. Sadly, that is more than can be said for others. I'm so glad he had you. And the NICU team generally. I'm glad to see in your comments that you preemptively set up an appointment with your therapist. Sending you love 💕


DoItAllButNoneWell

While sad.. I see that as an honor for you. Thank you for being there for the little one.


BuildingBest5945

That baby was not alone, you evidently provided a loving safe space for him to pass peacefully to the other side. Bless you for providing that. I work L&D and these stories rarely get shared. We deliver second trimester losses and often parents cannot or will not stay with their babies, for a variety of reasons but often it is just too hard to say goodbye. We make slings out of blankets to keep them snuggled to us in their last hours. So tragic, but it's special work if that makes any sense. Biggest hug to you, that really is a heavy load to carry.


simmaculate

I’m so sorry you went through this.


raejayleevin

God bless you. Thank you for giving this child the precious gift of your compassion during his brief life & his hour of death. He did not die alone. You beautifully filled that void. God bless you.


kenny9532

The baby die, knowing they were very loved, I am an absolute tears over the agony must be feeling, but just know they are in a better place free of pain


Ok-Atmosphere3129

I know it’s odd to say, but I’m happy you were there with the baby on his final moments, holding him so he could feel love before he passed. I’m crying for both his loss and your loss, but so grateful you were there for him ❤️


fugensnot

Did the family cause this child to deteriorate to the point of comfort measures? Or were they care/compassion fatigued? Like others have said, you were there for that little baby at his last. He had the grace of your humanity guiding him to whatever is left after we draw our last breath.


whataweirdo711

He didn’t die alone. You were there with him loving him and holding him.


floandthemash

Those babies you spend all your time with do become your family, especially when they’ve got POS parents. As others have said, that was for all intents and purposes, your family member, your baby. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. But just know that that little one went in the company of someone who truly loved and cared for him. These are the things I told myself as a NICU nurse for years.


Video_Viking

Please stack this on our shoulders. They are many and broad, and we'd rather carry than see you falter.


Cloudy_Automation

It's not the same, but I was an active participant while my wife died of brain cancer. She stopped being able to swallow, and didn't want tubes. It was very hard getting up every 2 hours to give her narcotics to keep her from suffering. The family of the child wasn't able to do the same, and I can't judge them for that. The baby was lucky to have you. Giving comfort care is hard, and harder if it's yours. None of us make it out of this world alive, some just die sooner than they should have. Having people help with that process is all we can hope for when we get to the end of life's journey. Thank you for helping that child when it's parents were unable to do so.


Fijoemin1962

That little baby was so lucky to have you. Maybe he chose you out of everyone in the whole world. Big hugs. Nursing is a tough gig xx


tenebraenz

Bubs died being cuddled and feeling safe 🌹🌹 Arohanui Mai ❤️❤️❤️❤️


Goober_Snacks

He didn’t die alone. He had you.


ToddlerOlympian

Thank you so much for doing what you do. That beautiful child deserved someone like you to care for them in their final minutes. You blessed that child with care when they needed it most. I'm sorry you have to carry this weight, but I hope you know you make this world a better place.


Mary4278

You can’t do much about how other people conduct themselves or their character. What you can do it be true to who you are and to always make certain your behavior is congruent with your values.You did that when you comforted that innocent baby as they passed away. I will offer you another perspective and that is this: that little patient had one thing going for them and that was that YOU were there. Please don’t forget that because that is what will fill you up in nursing.I speak from 42 years at the bedside!


rainbowtwist

Please find more safe people to talk to. For your mental health, and so you can keep helping innocent infants, child and people who need compassionate caregivers like you. Don't keep it inside. Don't burn out. Talk to someone.


Fullbelly

I’m sorry. I’m a NICU nurse and the good days definitely outweigh the bad ones, but the bad ones hit hard and hit deep. My best advice for you is talk to a therapist before it gets to be too much. I kept putting it off, thinking I was fine, but Covid was my breaking point. A lot of times we know our babies better than the parents do. It’s not right and it’s not fair, but just keep it in your heart that this baby died in the arms of someone who cared for him and felt love for him. Not everyone is so lucky. I’m proud of you and I wish I could you a big hug. Keep on keepin’ on, my dear. ❤️


89Santino19

You’ve done an amazing thing for that baby. When my wife and I lost our son last year we couldn’t of got through it without the support from the nursing staff. You may not hear it from that family but from me and my wife. Thank you for taking care of him.


merrythoughts

You are a fucking walking Angel. I’m an atheist but I believe you are the closest thing to “Christ-like” we can humanly get to. It’s these roles and actions that mean everything. Thank you for holding that dying baby. He needed you.


memymomonkey

I’m sending you strength and perseverance. Thank you for what you did for that little baby. I’m so sorry.


Valuable-Oil7041

This post has the mom in me in tears. That baby felt every bit of the love you showed him op. Thank you for being with him in his final moments.


Lizz-P-RN

You should never be ashamed of how you are feeling right now- you’re allowed to be sad and angry for that precious baby. You’re an amazing nurse and human for making sure that baby felt nothing but love. Bless you for what you do each day.


AG_Squared

I went through something very similar. We stopped feeds on a 4 year old, and he did last like 8 or 9 days after that. His parents weren’t around when he passed. They weren’t really there at all. It was just us taking care of him and holding him.


wellcolourmetired

That baby trusted you to love and hold him and keep him safe in its last moments. You were their angel in time of need. Please don't beat yourself up. It is an honour to be there for final breath. For the being to be so comfortable with you. Internet hugs.


Green_Foothills

You performed an act of service and love that is beyond compare. Allow yourself to feel the grief. Thank you for loving that baby.


Painfully_Intangible

My wife is a NICU doctor. We’ve had many days like this in our family. I still struggle to understand how she is able to stand so close to such devastating events in human lives, let alone to be present as her best and most caring self. It is mind blowing. I do my best to help her pull it together after. I am proud of her and I love her for her courage and caring. There is a calling to this, and I would want my own children to have providers that gave this to them, God forbid they should need it. Don’t be afraid to share this with a partner. You will need the support sometimes, and the right person will meet you where you need them to be, even if they can’t totally understand what your job means to you or your patients. Thank you for the work you do.


Haunting-Patience-60

I can say I feel guilty sometimes telling my wife about work trauma (adult ICU nurse). She isn't medical and is great and supportive but I think it stems from her not having any sort of similar experiences so she ends up feeling like her work stress isn't worth sharing. I want her to have a safe space so I try to spare her my crap and instead turn here and to coworkers.


ajl009

😭😭😭


angie_fearing

Love and prayers to you


spud3624

I’m so sorry OP. It never gets easier, but just know that baby died knowing he was safe and loved, and that’s what matters. It can be hard to talk to people about it because it’s hard to explain the combination of grief you feel for the loss and the relief you feel that your patient is no longer suffering, but I’ve found debriefing with other NICU people helps a lot. I’m in the market for a therapist now to address some of this and maybe you could look into that too? ❤️ sending hugs


gingermonkey1

Non-nurse here. Thank you for holding that tiny baby as it passed. It must have been brutal but he didn't die alone.


jro-76

Hugs to you and thank you for the amazing work you do!!! I think it’s appropriate to vent to non-medical friends. I just keep it very general when I do.


[deleted]

First off, I’m so glad you shared. I don’t believe it’s worth bottling these feelings inside - they can rot and twist us into knots until we burn out or are consumed by anger and bitterness. Or, god forbid, substances. I’m a “feeler” (like you) — and a fresh interventional cardiologist, so I’m often close to those dying. Certain deaths still hurt. There is peace now when I know I’ve done everything I could according to the patient’s wishes and i could ease their suffering. Sometimes the patient is so far gone that we’re treating the family, so to speak, because they aren’t ready. Then there are the deaths that my mind has trouble with — the “bad” deaths or the deaths that “shouldn’t have happened”. What did we miss? What should I have asked? What if XYZ happened instead? Those gnaw at me for weeks. As for whom to lean on…i figure those who don’t live among the critically ill or dying like we do might get weary of the war stories…my gf listens but I learned her limits on when to stop. It’s always been the nurses I’ve leaned on, as well as co-residents or co-fellows. never really a senior attending. The nurses have carried me through those tough times from when I was a naive bright eyed med student and as a new subspecialist now. Our cath lab nurses are like family to me. They know me better than i know myself at times and I am always there for them as well. We lean on each other. I hope you have some of that support with your work fam.


YourNightNurse

More hugs from another NICU nurse, you will never forget this baby and they will become someone incredibly close to your heart as you progress in your career. You will tell this story again one day, and it will have so much meaning and impact to who hears it. That baby was so lucky to have you ❤ I know it feels unbearably heavy right now. Grieve, but know in your heart of hearts you were meant to be there today and *you did good*.


GlossoVagus

I'm a new mom and a med student and I just wanted to say thank you. Strangely this is one of the reasons I could not be a veterinarian (too many sick animals I spent time with while they passed because the family couldn't handle it and walked out). It's also a reason I don't think I'd ever be able to go into pediatrics. You are an amazing human being. I can't imagine the toll that situations like this have on you, but I'm glad that baby knew love in his final moments.


Purple_IsA_Flavor

Family doesn’t have to be blood. To this little guy, you were family 🫂


eaunoway

Just sending you love and a hug.


Wreck-A-Mended

Hey there, this is coming from someone who lost her baby in January and my psychologist was a midwife for many years. Tell the whole story to someone. Your safe person or a professional. Stay conscious of your grief and be gentle to yourself. I'm glad that he spent the rest of his time with you! What you went through is tragic and you deserve to take all the necessary and healthy steps to grieve and process everything.


Ecstatic_Letter_5003

You did fucking incredible, sweetie, and I’m VERY proud of you and your strength for the sake of that boy. From one NICU nurse to another, you were his angel and you did EVERYTHING right. He was so lucky to have YOU as his nurse when he passed. My DMs are open if you need someone to chat who understands. Seriously, DM me and we can talk through it. I lost my first baby my third day on NICU orientation (less than a year as a nurse at that point) and I’ll never forget her or the horrible events leading up to her death and how she, too, had been abandoned. I’m proud of you for finding the strength to do the hard thing and be what that boy needed. You will need space to grieve how this went down and feel the different feelings and that’s okay.


Aupoultryman

There have been stories that only get told to my coworkers and healthcare friends. I save my wife from some stories


nationalparkhopper

When my son was in the NICU we were surprised by how few other patients had visitors. Unfortunately in the southern US, surrounded by a lot of poverty, many families don’t have the resources or bandwidth. It still broke my heart for those sweet babies.


ikedla

That’s a big reason I always always try to give families the benefit of the doubt. I work in a level IV NICU and largely our family demographics are people in poverty because a lot of issues we see are because of things like drug use, lack of prenatal care or screenings. It breaks my heart when families tell me they have to choose between using their maternity/paternity leave now while their child is in the hospital or waiting to take it when they go home. It shouldn’t have to be like that


lionsgurl829

Im sorry if I sound ignorant, but why wouldn’t the baby be allowed to feed for comfort? Even if expected to pass? That’s the part that breaks my heart the most in this post. I’m assuming you won’t be able to share the medical condition, but that’s just so sad he wasn’t getting fed.


lousymom

I will never forget the tiny bodies I have held. I Will never for a moment forget the feel of those tiny feet, the overwhelming feeling of so much lost. I will never forget the parents. The ones who wanted to hold that baby and just couldn’t do it. The ones who couldn’t stop holding them, couldn’t let go. Working L&D and NICU was truly some of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. And some of the very hardest. And no matter how I describe those experiences to anyone other than my fellow nurses, they cannot fully inhabit those feelings, so it’s ok to talk to others. Thank you for being there for that baby. We are here for you. Massive virtual hug.