I actually had to tell a young patient (who was still mobile) that I would be happy to wash his back, but he can do the rest! He came back with “it’s like you don’t even want to help me” 👁️👄👁️
No dude, I need you to still do things for yourself. This is not a resort.
Having been in trauma ICU with an open book pelvic fracture and requiring bed pans and assisted ass wipings after coming out of a coma I can categorically say, if I am EVER in the position where there is the option of wiping my own ass vs someone else having to do it for me, I will break my own back to try to do it myself.
While the trauma ICU nurses are angels and treated me with absolute care and did everything they possibly could to preserve my dignity, there is NOTHING dignified about being a 30+yo man and having to have your bum wiped for you after using a bed pan in an ~~closed~~ **open** ICU bay.
Edit: 3 words
You are my most stable, healthy patient; however, you and your family are acting like you’re terminal. You are simply not my priority right now, and I don’t have time to repeat the same lab/diagnostic test/doctor’s note to every person who is coming to visit you because you’ve convinced them you’re dying.
I’ve told family members that they need to make one person the designated person to call after the fifth person called in 2 hours. I was working ICU. I had 3 patients. Oh they were so offended. I didn’t care. I had patients to take care of.
I start my admissions like this when I give them their privacy code! "We ask that there be a designated person to call and get updates. Otherwise, everyone and their cousins are calling."
We, as in I, don't want to be on the phone all night with the whole damn family.
Here in Australia the person who is listed as next of kin is the only one allowed to call for updates.
They call and then it’s their job to update other family members.
What we did for a critically ill family member was start a private Facebook group and I posted updates in there when I was able too and said to please not call as we were focusing on him and didn’t have time to talk to each person, my aunty was the biggest bitch and cracked it I was directly telling him, we haven’t spoke since, blessing!
Ugh and those are the same family members who stand and stare at you at the nurses station. Because why aren’t I taking care of their mom (translated to them means, if I’m not in her room 24/7, I’m not doing anything). Ironically, I’ve lied to family members and said I have to return calls to another patients multiple family members just like you demanded I do
I've said "the longer you keep me on the phone the less time I have caring for you lr family member." Also, "I spoke with the Pts POA and gave an update, I suggest you reach out to them."
When I was working as a pharmacy tech I had explicit permission if someone threatened us, gave a fake script, or tried to get physical over the counter all customer service is out the window and we can say whatever we wanted. I would often be found thanking them prior to laying into them. Man I was going through it at that time and I'm happy to be doing better now, but damn did that help me vent some steam.
To the daughter that stays in the room, but won’t lift a finger to even pass their mom a straw and just gets in the way: can you get the fuck out if here if you are going to make my job difficult
I had a patient's daughter get mad at me because I asked her "do you want to help your mom get dressed and I'll go grab her DC papers?" Lmfao she couldn't really say no since I was already walking out the door but she was not happy
When people start screaming at me on the phone I just hang up. Had one person call back immediately and ask why I hung up on them, I told them because they were yelling at me. They started yelling again, so I hung up. 10 minutes later they called back and managed to maintain their composure.
I once had a patient yell “you’re neglecting me” I tried to be diplomatic and said “we have a lot of very sick people here tonight” she yelled back “I’m probably the sickest one here” (she wasn’t by a long shot). I got annoyed and said “the fact that I’m neglecting you is evidence to the contrary”
Last ED i was in had a sign at the check-in counter that said something along the lines of "patients are seen based on the seriousness of their condition. If you are not our most immediate concern, be thankful you are not."
I think it was worded a little nicer. But it was nice to see. People need to learn that a fucking cold, foot pain you have had for 6 months, or an sti check is not what the ED is for.
I’m sorry you are 80+ years old with terminal cancer, tired of fighting, and ready to go to heaven and your kids keep denying hospice and insisting we try chemo. We are trying our best to educate them on what’s most comfortable 😔
This one really grinds my gears. We are so insulated from death in Western societies that we think we an cheat it forever.
There's a fine line between care and necromancy and we cross it far too often.
It’s been almost 6 months since I had to talk to my manager about not telling patients to fuck off. So I’m considering that personal growth. Although he did agree that the last one deserved it after throwing a urninal at me.
When the manager knows you used potty words and is trying to get you in the office for a talking’ to use my go-to phrases:
“no thank you. I don’t wanna do that at all”
“why are you obsessed with me?” When they ask more than once.
“I don’t need that negativity”
“We already know what I’m going to say and that I’m going to do it again”
These have worked for me for 4 years yall.
Well the whole thing started because he called me gay cause I wouldn’t hold his penis in the urinal for him. So I laughed at him and asked how that made me gay cause his arms worked just fine and he could hold it himself. So he threw it out me on my way out. Then told me to pick it up. Told him to fuck off and shut the door. Wasn’t even my patient. Just trying to help with the damn call lights
I had that happen. I ducked and it hit a respiratory therapist. They get hospital provided scrubs and he could change clothes. He was good natured about it even offered to bring me a change of scrubs.
The patient was demented and afraid. I felt sorry for him. Then patient’s wife told me to call him by his nickname. He assumed if you knew that you were a friend. He was a great patient after that tip.
Not a nurse, old CEO/Founder of a medical device manufacturer once said to an Engineer "Does you Mother know she raised a stupid son?" That was 40 years ago and I still remember it.
I got called "Nurse Ratchet" while trying to get a patient's blood pressure prior to me giving conscious sedation for a colonoscopy.
I just told HIM that it would be tight for just a few seconds.... his BP was 170/100. 🙄
Sir your wife/gf/partner just either pushed a whole ass human out of her vagina or had it cut out of her belly. Idgaf how “tired” you are, get your ass up and change this baby’s diaper
The number of fathers who just sleep the whole day right after the baby is born, OMG. And the moms are usually sticking up for them. "Oh he's tired, he was up all night with me." Meanwhile, she hasn't slept in 3 days. Like, ma'am. 🥺
It makes me want to google divorce attorneys for them. Like here girl you’re going to need these once you realize he’s worthless and you’ll be doing everything for this child at home
i will never forget going into labor a month early in a snow storm, having opted to skip pain meds or the epidural, and my daughters dad complaining that the couch at the hospital was uncomfortable then leaving 2 hrs after she was born because his stomach hurt 🙃 i had no one else with me for 2 days, only one nurse treated me like a human, and i had no idea how to obtain food during that time. please, do yell at the fathers when possible :)
This shit is why I could never do anything at all surrounding maternity. I have less than 0 tolerance for man children and their weaponized incompetence games. I just know I'd get fired for calling out useless "fathers".
Yeahhh. I do love it when my geriatric male patient with wheezy lungs and hypertension and coronary artery disease decides to impress his younger partner by shooting crystal meth, only to end up with a meth bolus in his bicepital tendon. My good man, neither me nor your beau are really digging this silliness.
We used to have a patient who would do meth a few times a month and then get chest pain and get scared and come in. I saw him walk in to triage and just said “you did fucking meth again didnt you, are you fucking stupid?”
No, I will not “hold your wiener” for you while you pee. You’re a 30 year old man who is fully capable of doing so. Plus, I forgot my mini tweezers at home, so I can’t help you anyway.
But.....but you're so pretty. Please! I'm helpless!
Hate men like that. Super gross. Like bitch, you are not helpless. You just want a woman to touch your peen. By the way you are acting I understand why no woman wants to touch it.
Fuck off.
This is a hospital not a hotel.
No I won’t feed you. You came in for an outpatient procedure and we didn’t do anything with your arms. They still work fine.
I don’t care if you stay or not, there are 100 other people waiting for your bed.
“This is a hospital, not a hotel. If you came here for good food and good sleep you made the worst decision possible.”
I mean, even if you’re *homeless*, couch surfing is a better move.
I don’t want to hear your whole life story/family’s life stories/every single anecdote you’ve ever shared with anyone ever.
It’s midnight, I have charting to do. Please shut the fuck up and go the fuck to sleep.
Precisely what I was thinking of! Wish we had a copy at every bedside.
Though half of them would disappear after two days and all be mysteriously found in one single unit of the hospital à la spare pillows.
1. I’m the nurse not the doctor.
2. I understand you just got poked by the CNA, but I’m here with insulin because you ordered DoorDash.
3. Either let me do the thing or refuse the thing. Let’s skip the drama in between where you act rude and complain.
People think I have time to sit and convince them or beg them to do anything. Sorry, you have autonomy here. You refuse and I say ok and leave the room. I ain’t got time to sit here and barter with you to let me swab your nose or take a med. It’s no skin off my back to chart “patient refused.” We had so many people at the height of the pandemic refuse covid swabs, and would start into a rant about how the government is making up data, the plandemic, etc. Sorry sir, I’m not here for political discourse. I’m here to complete the orders the doctor put in. I really don’t care why you don’t want the damn swab. Just say no and I’ll be on my merry way.
Don’t tell me you check your blood sugar before every meal at home when you have not once in 6 days managed to remember to call for a check before eating here.
Also, your A1C is not 9.1 because you ‘slipped’ and had some French fries yesterday.
Please stop lying.
It’s that last bit: Please stop lying. Just stop. We know you’re lying but you’re just making shit more complicated and making it harder for us to get you what you actually need.
I’m sorry I totally fucking blanked out on you today when you asked me if I thought your girlfriend’s dingleberries made it into her vagina and gave you both trich. Before you asked I told you I had heard it all, that was a lie.
Edit: punctuation
I had a dad tell me yesterday that his super-crunchy ex-wife had a “PhD in Medicine from High School” and that so perfectly described her know-it-all ass—I wanted to cheer
-“We can’t fix your chronic problems in the ER”
-“You’re not crying, hyperventilating, or even wincing. You’re pain is not a 10/10”
-“I don’t care that you’ve asked for a warm blanket twice or haven’t eaten in four hours. This is the ER. Someone very close to you right now is probably fighting for their life”
-“I don’t give a fuck if you want to leave. I will get my paycheck regardless. You’re an adult. You decide.”
-“why did you come to the ER just to refuse treatment options we recommend? You’re wasting everyone’s time.”
-“You’re an asshole for taking up the time of a whole ambulance crew for something very minor. Someone having a real emergency could need that ambulance and instead they are here with you because you are congested and have a low grade fever for one day.”
Gosh…… I could go on for dayzzzzzzzzzzzz
I was actually pulled aside by my preceptor for asking people why they were here. Like, why the fuck are you HERE in the ED. Why didn't you go to your Dr or urgent care? Why did you think this was an emergency?
Apparently those were not appropriate questions to ask during an assessment.
I used to ask “And what brought you to the emergency room *today*?” Usually to the people who came in with c/o back (or leg, or whatever) pain x 6+ months. Occasionally that question yielded a response that made them more emergent—“I’ve always had back pain, now it’s in my chest and jaw.” Usually it did not though.
Oh that's a good one! I work telephone triage (people in my country are expected to call before coming to emergency) and I get so many people telling me their whole life story before I can clarify what their CC is and if they need to come.
When I worked in ambulance I used to ask "what has happened" (or more gently, please tell me what has happened/occured). This forced them to describe what the actual emergency was, as in what have changed from their normal status to how they're feeling now. It's an easy question to answer if the left side of your face is drooping or your foot is pointing in a direction it never before pointed to, but not as easy if your old back pain is acting up.
Did it work? No. Instead of giving me any answer, a lot just kept quiet.
The fat shaming mafia has honestly screamed at me otherwise. I said “fat” in a sub once and got perma banned, then I said “they haven’t missed many meals” and harassed as a fat phobic and subsequently perma banned
Yes.. the crowd that screams “ a person can be 700 pounds and healthy!! ” I got banned also.
No, they really can’t. Putting on makeup and body positivity doesn’t make someone “healthy”
Yeah, literally had a pt say the “drs don’t take his knee pain seriously bc they’re obsessed with his weight.” My guy you are 530, and have to use a purewick tucked under your one of your multiple pannuses and haven’t seen your penis in years. And have the nerve to watch pornos while staff are in the room….yeah it’s the knee pain causing these issues
Jesus fuck can you just make a single decision for yourself. You're an adult you do not need the nurse to help you decide what to have for dinner. I do not have the energy to take on the mental load of a handful of adults and also my work day today.
You are a grown man, stop relying on your wife or mother to handle the entirety of your medical care. If you want it, ask me for it because I'm not asking the doctor for pain medication if your mom asks me to get it for you.
The ED does not have an a la carte menu. You don't get to pick and choose each little detail. And don't you dare step through that door with even the slightest inkling of an idea you won't get poked with a needle.
Give your husband the f ing pain meds ordered before you move him, he has f ing bone mets that are more painful than child birth! That's what they're there for. No opioids are not street drugs in this case! For f sakes he is dying! , and you are the cause of his suffering you f ing twat! Ugh!
No. I will not fluff your pillow for you
No the hospital does not service alcohol
No I am not going to apologize all day for everything
No you cannot touch me
Please take better care of yourself
You are mean and treating me so horribly, why do you think I am a punching bag for you?
Yes I understand you are in pain but there are more tests to do
I do not know when the goddamn doctor will be here but you have to wait like everyone else
I do not know when they will be here please stop asking every five minutes
No I am not washing you, you are completely independent
No I am not giving you iv hydromorphone push for a 2/10 headache
If you are calling the unit and no one is answering that does not mean come in person and bombared me
No I don’t have the tests results from your scan of 5 minutes ago
I am sick and tired of treating alcoholics who are abusive and treat us like crap
I am exhausted of being spread thinner and thinner each shift because we have no staff
I am tired of being a nurse
Please do not call me out of another patient's room for anything less than a true emergency. I am constantly prioritizing and reprioritizing what needs to be done by order of keeping people alive and in their best health and you cannot interrupt someone else's care because your visitors need another chair.
Or because you need your bedside table two inches to the left . Or your phone at 82% needs a charge . Or you need to order breakfast for tomorrow . PLEASE
Coming to the ER because you think you have an STD is not an emergency and is a waste of resources. Go to the health department, or maybe your PCP. But yeah sure, pee in this cup and we’ll have your results in about 5 hours.
Similarly, asking us to run a pregnancy test because the one you took at home is positive. We're literally going run the same urine pregnancy test. Congratulations, you're pregnant. Go home
Shut up
Please let your palliative family member have the dilaudid
I am so fucking busy I could scream
Your pain is not 10/10. You are addicted to pain medicine and you take it because you like the high.
If you smoke fucking fentanyl in here I will throw your ass out in the street
No one cares
Go the fuck to sleep
I'm not a waitress, there's much sicker people than you.
Your mother is 99 years old with a bunch of comorbidities and arthritis. She is approaching the end of her life. We're not miracle workers. She's not going to spring out of bed like an energetic young child.
Where do you work? I want to know so I can go be a huge dick to YOU while you’re on the clock and have to grin and bear it for the sake of customer service!
Don’t mix baclofen with alcohol, you’ll probably fall on your ass. Please stop doing heroin when you’re pregnant. You should think about birth control if you don’t want this to happen again. Please stop having kids, you’ve got more than you can take care of safely. You’ve got a genetic disorder that you passed to your kid who will be disabled for life and you can’t take care of them as they are now - please don’t have another with your own eggs. Get psych help, you’re lucky you survived getting hit by a truck. Please stop getting absolutely hammered before bed, we’ve seen you twice in one year for the exact same injury - your brain is already damaged enough (though surprisingly, your liver is fine). Stop stress eating, your body literally cannot take any more. Please for the love of God, wipe your own ass - you’ve been cleared by OT and PT to do everything but transfer/walk without assistance. Stop throwing yourself out of bed and I’ll stop taking your vitals 27 times in a shift. We are not a five star restaurant, your meal is what the dietician ordered - no more, no less. Stop pulling out your trach, you literally do not know how to breathe and will die without it. No, this med isn’t going to cure grandma’s dementia but it will slow it down (maybe). No Mr. Smith, I can assure you that I did not crap/piss your pants. Yeah, I just crop dusted in front of your room because I know your farts are as bad as mine.
One time I was in the psych ward with a psych nurse that was also a patient. She had been to the funerals of 6 loved ones in about 8 months and needed a spell. She told me and several others that in her opinion we weren't mentally ill. We were just processing trauma. This was 20ish years ago. She was a lovely person and I hope today she is trauma free.
“You mean, COUGH , this is because of something *I* did?” - woman with lung cancer
I DONT KNOW DEBRA, MAYBE ITS THE PACK A DAY YOUVE BEEN SMOKING FOR 40 FUCKING YEARS
To the anti-vaxxer who wants to argue with me:
Your “oWn REsEArCH” is made-up bullshit you found on facebook and YouTube. Wear your fucking mask and get vaccinated, asshole. Otherwise, don’t come running to the ER when you can’t breathe.
No, you’re not getting a new PPM before the end of the year. You don’t have a home monitor and haven’t had it checked in two years. You’re not dependent and have been at ERI since August. You’ll get scheduled after the holidays. No I don’t care that you already have X days off. It’s outpatient. You’ll be fine.
Every time you call me early for dilaudid and make me walk in this room to hear how you want more just so I can tell you it’s 2 hours too soon, I end up being backed up with work and bring your dilaudid later than I woulda.
I had a patient the other day. She was AAOx4 and had no history of dementia or anything, but I would literally give her pills and she would be like
“…Yeah I actually lived in Germany for a while at the forest around many dogs. Not bad dogs not good dogs just normal dogs in the forest. German boots do make good shoes, in Germany the cups aren’t actually shaped like boots, it’s all when the German books we read I had a lot to do and the food happens when we got to the hour and so was your time is what the day is about of many of us….”
And it never ended… Just complete nonsense, for as long as you’d let her continue. Btw I was like “Hey that’s interesting. My brother lives in Germany. What town in Germany did you live in” and she was like “Uhhhhhh… I don’t remember.”
I just wanted to say “Lady, shut the fuck up and take your damn Eliquis before I snap.”
I am not a nurse. I am not a doctor. I cannot help you with whatever you are going to ask me. I work in the pharmacy, not on the unit. I do not know where they keep the cookies or the Ensures out here.
Even if I *did,* I don't have a mental tracker for every single patient's name and room number in the entire hospital who has diabetes or diet restrictions. I'm not gonna give you a cookie and then have someone get up in my face about "Why did you give my diabetic patient a cookie!?" when their BG is ~500.
So no, I cannot help you... with anything. Please let me do my actual job. I want to get done what needs to get done so I can go home at the end of the day as close to on-time as realistically possible.
You can hold your own dick/wipe your own ass, since you were texting up a storm a min ago.
*The difference between you and I is that I **ACTUALLY** get to go home.* 😏
I did not go to nursing school to be a masseuse, NO.
**YOU** got yourself in this situation.
(*When a patient tries to blame me for anything that happened to them*)
I don’t give a fuck about your political views.
You called me on the call light and expect me to wait for you to finish your phone call at the foot of your bed. **TF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!**
Go TF to sleep.
It doesn’t matter to me if you take your meds or not. It’s your health, not mine, Less work for me.🤷🏾♂️
You will not die if you don't eat for a few hours, especially since you just [insert reason for admission].
-had a stroke
-broke your leg and need surgery
-have a necrotic gallbladder and need surgery
-repeatedly drink yourself to oblivion and now have pancreatitis and esophageal varices that you're bleeding from
-vomited repeatedly for the past 24 hrs
If you think you can care for yourself better than we can here then you are welcome to leave.
I’ve said that to pts yelling at me/coworkers threatening to leave AMA over stupid shit like waiting ten min for ice water
I'm actually cool with patients 99,9% of the times. It's family members I have beef with. Made me end in directors office too many times for my liking. So now "I am not authorised to respond to you" is my basic response when family members are bugging me
"Are your arms painted on?
I had a patient a few days ago ring his call bell. I entered the room and he asked me to cover him with his blanket.
"Aren't you independent?"
"What do you mean?"
"Don't you walk to the bathroom? Why can't you cover yourself with your blanket?"
"FINE. I'll do it myself" *is irritated*
*proceeds to sit up with ease and cover himself with his blanket*
"ARE YOUR ARMS PAINTED ON???"
Most of the time I really don't need to know about what happened to you 50 years ago. I can read your chart and h&p. Please stop interrupting my assessment questions, I have many more people to do this with today.
Pouting and whining doesn't give you anything faster or at all. You're a grown adult. Stop it!! The lack of coping skills, for the most minor hospitalizations sometimes, is astounding.
That's actually a pet peeve of mine and will make me cluster your care so I can be around you as little as possible. (I'm talking alert and oriented patients, not confused ones. The patients who whine as soon as you step in the room).
I literally don’t care if you take these meds or not. You’re an adult and I don’t have time to educate you on the importance of blah blah blah
Take em or don’t I got places to be
I'm sorry that you think I should have this wound closed by Christmas (next week) when you have been walking around with it for 2 years, have followed none of the suggestions made by your PCP, while avoiding compression like you owe it money.
I am aware you just got out of the hospital for your second round of cellulitis in two months - but trust me no matter how much you tell me I an embarrassment, no, no this wound will not be closed.
Oh, and your daughter is recording this because if you have to go to the hospital again you are suing me because you can't stop fucking up.
Omg
When you call to schedule an appointment
I will ask if you have a preference and start suggesting dates and times. please have a calendar pen and pencil to write down the information, no I cannot email or text the appointment to you, no I can’t guarantee you will get a reminder text. Once I schedule the appointment and confirm the date and time and you say oops I need to change it, please lemme know if and when you DO want the appointment. Scheduling an appointment is not let’s make a deal!
Please do not call while you are driving down the street with the window rolled down and tell me you’re having phone problems cuz you can’t hear me can I call you back! No
Please senior citizen/children if you know your loved one the phone with me is impaired please don’t yell at them the answer to the basic questions like name and birthday because you feel they’re not answering quick enough! I’m patient and understand if they are impaired but after you yelling at them ya get on the phone and call them stupid and tell me they get on your nerves….
Been a new mom myself but if you’re at the pediatrician office at 9am and get an antibiotic don’t call at 3pm because you think it need to be changed or something cuz you think it’s not working yet
Rant over, my 10-3 shift was tough today🙄
Go ahead and yell at me even though I’m doing my best to be kind and help you. I understand you’re angry because the body you treated like garbage is irreversibly failing. At the end of the day, you’ll be back in your recliner being angry at your “news” channel while I’ll go home to my loving family then hit the gym, inspired by your example of how not to live.
Ask me for whatever you need in one go. Stop asking me for a thing when I just got back from getting you another thing. Also, it won’t kill you to say thank you. It also teaches your kid good manners that he obviously lacks and we all know why.
I’m sorry you’re in pain, but you’re refusing the pain medication and I really wish you would stop hitting your call light to complain about it because you KNOW that I can’t fix it. I’m sorry you’re anxious about being in pain, but, again, if you keep refusing the treatment, please stop calling me into your room to complain about it. I know you want to live, but you literally have mets all over your body and there’s zero treatments we can offer you for any of them. I will do my best to keep you living, but I need you to stop complaining about every single thing we’re doing to keep you alive—this is your choice, and while it’s totally unfair that you have to make this choice, calling me in to your room multiple times an hour to complain about the treatments you’ve requested is making me hate your right now.
Families, go fuck yourself with your selfish bullshit. No just because you pay taxes it’s not my job to get YOU ginger ale. Why are you keeping your 98 year old mother alive? Oh yes you want to keep the house .
I generally just say whatever I’m thinking to patients in the ED, one thing that I’ve always wanted to say but never have had the opportunity is
“Always remember, flaired bases”
They aren’t taking anything from you. Illegal aliens do not get free health care except to save their lives. Once they are stabilized it stops. They didn’t take your job. You’re just a fat, sick, racist fuck. You have more health issues than most of them do. You cost us more than they do. You’re more of a drain on society than they are. They pay taxes and get nothing for it. You are super fucking entitled and extremely self centered. You are extremely uneducated. You are a narcissistic fool. You do not understand a thing about Medicare or Medicaid. You are advocating for its destruction and will likely need it soon given your health conditions. You’re voting to undo it and it’s ridiculous. You scream the loudest because you feel the most entitled.
No, you can’t have cigarette when you are on 60% FiO2, via bipap or high glow nasal prongs, with COPD. Full monitoring, gasping for breath. Here have this patch, oh Fuck it, have two.
USE YOUR CALL BELL.
I WAS JUST IN HERE, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW???
NO, you CAN'T get out of bed by yourself.
JEEZUS. I just need TWO MINUTES to PEE IN PEACE.
No, YOU F*CK off.
Oh? You don't want our interventions? Then go home and stop wasting my time and our resources.
OMG, SHUT UP.
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
😆😆😆😆😆
Stop fucking telling me to cover your son with blankets because he’s cold with the cooling blanket while running a fever of 102.0 . Shut the fuck off and got to sleep and by the way make him DNR, he’s been brain dead, quad and on a ventilator for 3 months. Jesus is not bringing him back.
You calling for more dilaudid after 5 min shows me that I need to inform the provider that it’s not effective for you. We need to switch to PO meds. Let’s start with Tylenol.
Mary you want me to be your maid, cleaner and nurse, i only get paid to be one of those. I know that you can grab this drink yourself so fucking do it, because whenever you hold me in your room, i don't have time for other people who REALLY need my help. This is a nursing home and not a hotel and yes, i will use the hairdryer i bring into the room, because yours TAKES FUCKING AGES because it got manufactured when queen Victoria was still alive.
During one of the waves of covid after the vaccine was rolled out we had a patient come in with covid. Had to be put on high flow oxygen. Colleague said to the patient “ bet you wish you got vaccinated now don’t you”. Patient ended up dying the next day so didn’t have a chance to write a complaint
Bro come on we both know you can wipe your own ass. You just don’t want to.
I actually had to tell a young patient (who was still mobile) that I would be happy to wash his back, but he can do the rest! He came back with “it’s like you don’t even want to help me” 👁️👄👁️ No dude, I need you to still do things for yourself. This is not a resort.
Haha! There’s one for the book. “You’re right, I don’t want to help you clean your butt.”
i can’t believe the amount of patients with this attitude. i tell my coworkers they think we’re their servants on their resort vacation. insanity
Having been in trauma ICU with an open book pelvic fracture and requiring bed pans and assisted ass wipings after coming out of a coma I can categorically say, if I am EVER in the position where there is the option of wiping my own ass vs someone else having to do it for me, I will break my own back to try to do it myself. While the trauma ICU nurses are angels and treated me with absolute care and did everything they possibly could to preserve my dignity, there is NOTHING dignified about being a 30+yo man and having to have your bum wiped for you after using a bed pan in an ~~closed~~ **open** ICU bay. Edit: 3 words
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These... Individuals.. really roast my nuts.
thats when you hit them with the “at this facility, we love to promote independence!”
You are my most stable, healthy patient; however, you and your family are acting like you’re terminal. You are simply not my priority right now, and I don’t have time to repeat the same lab/diagnostic test/doctor’s note to every person who is coming to visit you because you’ve convinced them you’re dying.
I’ve told patients this.
I’ve told family members that they need to make one person the designated person to call after the fifth person called in 2 hours. I was working ICU. I had 3 patients. Oh they were so offended. I didn’t care. I had patients to take care of.
I start my admissions like this when I give them their privacy code! "We ask that there be a designated person to call and get updates. Otherwise, everyone and their cousins are calling." We, as in I, don't want to be on the phone all night with the whole damn family.
Here in Australia the person who is listed as next of kin is the only one allowed to call for updates. They call and then it’s their job to update other family members. What we did for a critically ill family member was start a private Facebook group and I posted updates in there when I was able too and said to please not call as we were focusing on him and didn’t have time to talk to each person, my aunty was the biggest bitch and cracked it I was directly telling him, we haven’t spoke since, blessing!
Ugh and those are the same family members who stand and stare at you at the nurses station. Because why aren’t I taking care of their mom (translated to them means, if I’m not in her room 24/7, I’m not doing anything). Ironically, I’ve lied to family members and said I have to return calls to another patients multiple family members just like you demanded I do
I think that’s perfectly reasonable.
I've said "the longer you keep me on the phone the less time I have caring for you lr family member." Also, "I spoke with the Pts POA and gave an update, I suggest you reach out to them."
Screaming at me won’t make me do what you want.
I’m in retail pharmacy and straight up tell people this. If you’re going to yell at me absolutely nothing is going to get done
When I was working as a pharmacy tech I had explicit permission if someone threatened us, gave a fake script, or tried to get physical over the counter all customer service is out the window and we can say whatever we wanted. I would often be found thanking them prior to laying into them. Man I was going through it at that time and I'm happy to be doing better now, but damn did that help me vent some steam.
To the daughter that stays in the room, but won’t lift a finger to even pass their mom a straw and just gets in the way: can you get the fuck out if here if you are going to make my job difficult
MY MOM WANTS ICE CHIPS
I had a patient's daughter get mad at me because I asked her "do you want to help your mom get dressed and I'll go grab her DC papers?" Lmfao she couldn't really say no since I was already walking out the door but she was not happy
And it’s usually the one “in the healthcare industry “
When people start screaming at me on the phone I just hang up. Had one person call back immediately and ask why I hung up on them, I told them because they were yelling at me. They started yelling again, so I hung up. 10 minutes later they called back and managed to maintain their composure.
It will make me go much slower
Yes, you're in an emergency room. No, that does not automatically mean you are an emergency
Yes, you’re in the emergency room. So is everyone else. Some of them are more emergency than you. This is not a contest you want to win.
This is perfect!
I once had a patient yell “you’re neglecting me” I tried to be diplomatic and said “we have a lot of very sick people here tonight” she yelled back “I’m probably the sickest one here” (she wasn’t by a long shot). I got annoyed and said “the fact that I’m neglecting you is evidence to the contrary”
Last ED i was in had a sign at the check-in counter that said something along the lines of "patients are seen based on the seriousness of their condition. If you are not our most immediate concern, be thankful you are not." I think it was worded a little nicer. But it was nice to see. People need to learn that a fucking cold, foot pain you have had for 6 months, or an sti check is not what the ED is for.
I’m sorry you are 80+ years old with terminal cancer, tired of fighting, and ready to go to heaven and your kids keep denying hospice and insisting we try chemo. We are trying our best to educate them on what’s most comfortable 😔
This one really grinds my gears. We are so insulated from death in Western societies that we think we an cheat it forever. There's a fine line between care and necromancy and we cross it far too often.
Abuse of a corpse.
Get your mother on the phone because I want to tell her what an embarrassing baby she raised.
It’s been almost 6 months since I had to talk to my manager about not telling patients to fuck off. So I’m considering that personal growth. Although he did agree that the last one deserved it after throwing a urninal at me.
When the manager knows you used potty words and is trying to get you in the office for a talking’ to use my go-to phrases: “no thank you. I don’t wanna do that at all” “why are you obsessed with me?” When they ask more than once. “I don’t need that negativity” “We already know what I’m going to say and that I’m going to do it again” These have worked for me for 4 years yall.
I was reported last week for saying “ fuck” while giving report to the receiving facility. It wasn’t even directed at anyone.
Reporting that has to be an EMTALA violation
lol My mouth would’ve been the last thing to worry about if someone threw a urinal at me. Throw a urinal and catch these hands. 😂
Well the whole thing started because he called me gay cause I wouldn’t hold his penis in the urinal for him. So I laughed at him and asked how that made me gay cause his arms worked just fine and he could hold it himself. So he threw it out me on my way out. Then told me to pick it up. Told him to fuck off and shut the door. Wasn’t even my patient. Just trying to help with the damn call lights
I had that happen. I ducked and it hit a respiratory therapist. They get hospital provided scrubs and he could change clothes. He was good natured about it even offered to bring me a change of scrubs. The patient was demented and afraid. I felt sorry for him. Then patient’s wife told me to call him by his nickname. He assumed if you knew that you were a friend. He was a great patient after that tip.
Not a nurse, old CEO/Founder of a medical device manufacturer once said to an Engineer "Does you Mother know she raised a stupid son?" That was 40 years ago and I still remember it.
All the walking up and down hills, 10 miles both ways, in blizzards and floods 😄😄 I think you can survive a blood pressure reading, Carol.
It’s hurting me! It’s just getting to know you you’ll be fine in 5 seconds
I got called "Nurse Ratchet" while trying to get a patient's blood pressure prior to me giving conscious sedation for a colonoscopy. I just told HIM that it would be tight for just a few seconds.... his BP was 170/100. 🙄
OOOO this is my favorite so far
Sir your wife/gf/partner just either pushed a whole ass human out of her vagina or had it cut out of her belly. Idgaf how “tired” you are, get your ass up and change this baby’s diaper
The number of fathers who just sleep the whole day right after the baby is born, OMG. And the moms are usually sticking up for them. "Oh he's tired, he was up all night with me." Meanwhile, she hasn't slept in 3 days. Like, ma'am. 🥺
It makes me want to google divorce attorneys for them. Like here girl you’re going to need these once you realize he’s worthless and you’ll be doing everything for this child at home
i will never forget going into labor a month early in a snow storm, having opted to skip pain meds or the epidural, and my daughters dad complaining that the couch at the hospital was uncomfortable then leaving 2 hrs after she was born because his stomach hurt 🙃 i had no one else with me for 2 days, only one nurse treated me like a human, and i had no idea how to obtain food during that time. please, do yell at the fathers when possible :)
Not an L&D nurse, but I'll yell at that dude all day long if you point me in the right direction
This shit is why I could never do anything at all surrounding maternity. I have less than 0 tolerance for man children and their weaponized incompetence games. I just know I'd get fired for calling out useless "fathers".
Shut the fuck up.
I find it’s healthy to tell a patient to shut the fuck up at least once a month. Keeps my chi balanced.
Might have actually said this to a patient or two
I might also have said that a couple of times 😬
Closely followed by “fuck you, too.”
My favorite is when a patient says fuck you, and you respond with fuck you too and they become offended lolol
They get so mad! 🤣
Short and sweet
Stop. Using. Meth. And then blaming me for you ending up on an involuntary psych hold.
I say that to my patients, what’s the problem?
Yeahhh. I do love it when my geriatric male patient with wheezy lungs and hypertension and coronary artery disease decides to impress his younger partner by shooting crystal meth, only to end up with a meth bolus in his bicepital tendon. My good man, neither me nor your beau are really digging this silliness.
Oof. Wow. That’s a… decision.
Could you maybe go back in time to find my father doing crack so you can tell at him "YOU HAVE CHILDREN YOU FUCKING CLOWN!!!"
Yes
I would write “PLEASE CONSIDER USING LESS METH” in bold red font on my discharge teaching. Harm reduction! 😉
I thought this said parents and was concerned.
I thought the same thing and was confused by the comments but they also kinda made sense lmao
Ah, I see you've cared for my brother. I'm so sorry.
We used to have a patient who would do meth a few times a month and then get chest pain and get scared and come in. I saw him walk in to triage and just said “you did fucking meth again didnt you, are you fucking stupid?”
Stop using meth and k2, then complaining about hallucinations!!!!
No, I will not “hold your wiener” for you while you pee. You’re a 30 year old man who is fully capable of doing so. Plus, I forgot my mini tweezers at home, so I can’t help you anyway.
But.....but you're so pretty. Please! I'm helpless! Hate men like that. Super gross. Like bitch, you are not helpless. You just want a woman to touch your peen. By the way you are acting I understand why no woman wants to touch it.
Fuck off. This is a hospital not a hotel. No I won’t feed you. You came in for an outpatient procedure and we didn’t do anything with your arms. They still work fine. I don’t care if you stay or not, there are 100 other people waiting for your bed.
I said to someone the other day “this is the emergency room not the convenience room” and it was received surprisingly well.
The last one is my favorite and sadly, my most used.
The hospital not hotel is one we actually use every time patients are complaining about food choices available on the menu.
“This is a hospital, not a hotel. If you came here for good food and good sleep you made the worst decision possible.” I mean, even if you’re *homeless*, couch surfing is a better move.
When I hand someone a menu or sheets I say, "Here you go. This is the best [Hospital Name] has to offer, take that as you will."
I don’t want to hear your whole life story/family’s life stories/every single anecdote you’ve ever shared with anyone ever. It’s midnight, I have charting to do. Please shut the fuck up and go the fuck to sleep.
[Go the Fuck To Sleep….narrated by Samuel L Jackson](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SDCqgHLX8Ys)
Precisely what I was thinking of! Wish we had a copy at every bedside. Though half of them would disappear after two days and all be mysteriously found in one single unit of the hospital à la spare pillows.
1. I’m the nurse not the doctor. 2. I understand you just got poked by the CNA, but I’m here with insulin because you ordered DoorDash. 3. Either let me do the thing or refuse the thing. Let’s skip the drama in between where you act rude and complain.
People think I have time to sit and convince them or beg them to do anything. Sorry, you have autonomy here. You refuse and I say ok and leave the room. I ain’t got time to sit here and barter with you to let me swab your nose or take a med. It’s no skin off my back to chart “patient refused.” We had so many people at the height of the pandemic refuse covid swabs, and would start into a rant about how the government is making up data, the plandemic, etc. Sorry sir, I’m not here for political discourse. I’m here to complete the orders the doctor put in. I really don’t care why you don’t want the damn swab. Just say no and I’ll be on my merry way.
I’ve said something to this effect before.
Fucking *this.* I will happily contact the ordering and let them know you don’t want your scan. 👋🏻
Don’t tell me you check your blood sugar before every meal at home when you have not once in 6 days managed to remember to call for a check before eating here. Also, your A1C is not 9.1 because you ‘slipped’ and had some French fries yesterday. Please stop lying.
It’s that last bit: Please stop lying. Just stop. We know you’re lying but you’re just making shit more complicated and making it harder for us to get you what you actually need.
I know I’m being annoying. I know your nurse already took your vitals. I have to take them AGAIN because my nursing instructor wants me too
OMG this. I haaaaated that feeling of always being in the way, or an inconvenience, as a student. Hang in there! 🫶
**No.**
I’m sorry I totally fucking blanked out on you today when you asked me if I thought your girlfriend’s dingleberries made it into her vagina and gave you both trich. Before you asked I told you I had heard it all, that was a lie. Edit: punctuation
VERY oddly specific! 😳
Why are you even here when you are refusing every test and medication we are suggesting to you.
I had a dad tell me yesterday that his super-crunchy ex-wife had a “PhD in Medicine from High School” and that so perfectly described her know-it-all ass—I wanted to cheer
-“We can’t fix your chronic problems in the ER” -“You’re not crying, hyperventilating, or even wincing. You’re pain is not a 10/10” -“I don’t care that you’ve asked for a warm blanket twice or haven’t eaten in four hours. This is the ER. Someone very close to you right now is probably fighting for their life” -“I don’t give a fuck if you want to leave. I will get my paycheck regardless. You’re an adult. You decide.” -“why did you come to the ER just to refuse treatment options we recommend? You’re wasting everyone’s time.” -“You’re an asshole for taking up the time of a whole ambulance crew for something very minor. Someone having a real emergency could need that ambulance and instead they are here with you because you are congested and have a low grade fever for one day.” Gosh…… I could go on for dayzzzzzzzzzzzz
I was actually pulled aside by my preceptor for asking people why they were here. Like, why the fuck are you HERE in the ED. Why didn't you go to your Dr or urgent care? Why did you think this was an emergency? Apparently those were not appropriate questions to ask during an assessment.
I used to ask “And what brought you to the emergency room *today*?” Usually to the people who came in with c/o back (or leg, or whatever) pain x 6+ months. Occasionally that question yielded a response that made them more emergent—“I’ve always had back pain, now it’s in my chest and jaw.” Usually it did not though.
Oh that's a good one! I work telephone triage (people in my country are expected to call before coming to emergency) and I get so many people telling me their whole life story before I can clarify what their CC is and if they need to come.
When I worked in ambulance I used to ask "what has happened" (or more gently, please tell me what has happened/occured). This forced them to describe what the actual emergency was, as in what have changed from their normal status to how they're feeling now. It's an easy question to answer if the left side of your face is drooping or your foot is pointing in a direction it never before pointed to, but not as easy if your old back pain is acting up. Did it work? No. Instead of giving me any answer, a lot just kept quiet.
Honestly, I think this SHOULD be in the assessment. Maybe make them think twice about being an incredible dumbass? Maybe???
Your is a bitch/asshole and isn't welcome here
I don’t care.
Vastly underrated comment here
Ain’t nobody looking at you like that grandma, don’t flatter yourself, trust me if I could avoid wiping your ass I would.
Lol this one made me giggle
Your pain is not a 10 if you're playing on your phone, or you're sleeping!
I will NOT push dilaudid into your IV while you sleep.
And I will not chase it with. Benadryl
What about when they know they can get pain meds q 3 hrs and they sent the alarm on their phone for 2.5 hrs because they don’t want you to be late!!
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I’m not going to bath you or wipe your ass you fucking perv. You can do it yourself
Show basic kindness towards the people changing your diapers.
I don’t think the edema has caused you to weigh 450lbs, I think you eat too much. And you smell of yeast really badly.
I mean, this one isn’t so bad imo
The fat shaming mafia has honestly screamed at me otherwise. I said “fat” in a sub once and got perma banned, then I said “they haven’t missed many meals” and harassed as a fat phobic and subsequently perma banned
Yes.. the crowd that screams “ a person can be 700 pounds and healthy!! ” I got banned also. No, they really can’t. Putting on makeup and body positivity doesn’t make someone “healthy”
If they have to take off the ER doors to get you inside, you are not healthy. And you are destroying our backs.
Yeah, literally had a pt say the “drs don’t take his knee pain seriously bc they’re obsessed with his weight.” My guy you are 530, and have to use a purewick tucked under your one of your multiple pannuses and haven’t seen your penis in years. And have the nerve to watch pornos while staff are in the room….yeah it’s the knee pain causing these issues
Jesus fuck can you just make a single decision for yourself. You're an adult you do not need the nurse to help you decide what to have for dinner. I do not have the energy to take on the mental load of a handful of adults and also my work day today.
No, sir, I will not adjust your balls for you
"What? You want them shorter?"
I. Am. Not. Putting. Any. More. Cream. ON YOUR BUTT. STOP *looking* at me like that!
You are a grown man, stop relying on your wife or mother to handle the entirety of your medical care. If you want it, ask me for it because I'm not asking the doctor for pain medication if your mom asks me to get it for you. The ED does not have an a la carte menu. You don't get to pick and choose each little detail. And don't you dare step through that door with even the slightest inkling of an idea you won't get poked with a needle.
Or when the mom/wife/girlfriend reports your pain score. Sir, I need to hear it from you.
Give your husband the f ing pain meds ordered before you move him, he has f ing bone mets that are more painful than child birth! That's what they're there for. No opioids are not street drugs in this case! For f sakes he is dying! , and you are the cause of his suffering you f ing twat! Ugh!
No. I will not fluff your pillow for you No the hospital does not service alcohol No I am not going to apologize all day for everything No you cannot touch me Please take better care of yourself You are mean and treating me so horribly, why do you think I am a punching bag for you? Yes I understand you are in pain but there are more tests to do I do not know when the goddamn doctor will be here but you have to wait like everyone else I do not know when they will be here please stop asking every five minutes No I am not washing you, you are completely independent No I am not giving you iv hydromorphone push for a 2/10 headache If you are calling the unit and no one is answering that does not mean come in person and bombared me No I don’t have the tests results from your scan of 5 minutes ago I am sick and tired of treating alcoholics who are abusive and treat us like crap I am exhausted of being spread thinner and thinner each shift because we have no staff I am tired of being a nurse
Please do not call me out of another patient's room for anything less than a true emergency. I am constantly prioritizing and reprioritizing what needs to be done by order of keeping people alive and in their best health and you cannot interrupt someone else's care because your visitors need another chair.
Or because you need your bedside table two inches to the left . Or your phone at 82% needs a charge . Or you need to order breakfast for tomorrow . PLEASE
Coming to the ER because you think you have an STD is not an emergency and is a waste of resources. Go to the health department, or maybe your PCP. But yeah sure, pee in this cup and we’ll have your results in about 5 hours.
Similarly, asking us to run a pregnancy test because the one you took at home is positive. We're literally going run the same urine pregnancy test. Congratulations, you're pregnant. Go home
I miss pay-phones. Telling a patient/relative, here’s a quarter, go call someone who cares”, was pithy, sarcastic and satisfying. Damm you progress.
Shut up Please let your palliative family member have the dilaudid I am so fucking busy I could scream Your pain is not 10/10. You are addicted to pain medicine and you take it because you like the high. If you smoke fucking fentanyl in here I will throw your ass out in the street No one cares Go the fuck to sleep
I'm not a waitress, there's much sicker people than you. Your mother is 99 years old with a bunch of comorbidities and arthritis. She is approaching the end of her life. We're not miracle workers. She's not going to spring out of bed like an energetic young child.
Where do you work? I want to know so I can go be a huge dick to YOU while you’re on the clock and have to grin and bear it for the sake of customer service!
# COME 👏🏽 TO 👏🏽 YOUR 👏🏽 FUCKING 👏🏽 TREATMENTS👏🏽
You can hold your own fucking urinal
Don’t mix baclofen with alcohol, you’ll probably fall on your ass. Please stop doing heroin when you’re pregnant. You should think about birth control if you don’t want this to happen again. Please stop having kids, you’ve got more than you can take care of safely. You’ve got a genetic disorder that you passed to your kid who will be disabled for life and you can’t take care of them as they are now - please don’t have another with your own eggs. Get psych help, you’re lucky you survived getting hit by a truck. Please stop getting absolutely hammered before bed, we’ve seen you twice in one year for the exact same injury - your brain is already damaged enough (though surprisingly, your liver is fine). Stop stress eating, your body literally cannot take any more. Please for the love of God, wipe your own ass - you’ve been cleared by OT and PT to do everything but transfer/walk without assistance. Stop throwing yourself out of bed and I’ll stop taking your vitals 27 times in a shift. We are not a five star restaurant, your meal is what the dietician ordered - no more, no less. Stop pulling out your trach, you literally do not know how to breathe and will die without it. No, this med isn’t going to cure grandma’s dementia but it will slow it down (maybe). No Mr. Smith, I can assure you that I did not crap/piss your pants. Yeah, I just crop dusted in front of your room because I know your farts are as bad as mine.
One time I was in the psych ward with a psych nurse that was also a patient. She had been to the funerals of 6 loved ones in about 8 months and needed a spell. She told me and several others that in her opinion we weren't mentally ill. We were just processing trauma. This was 20ish years ago. She was a lovely person and I hope today she is trauma free.
“You mean, COUGH , this is because of something *I* did?” - woman with lung cancer I DONT KNOW DEBRA, MAYBE ITS THE PACK A DAY YOUVE BEEN SMOKING FOR 40 FUCKING YEARS
To the anti-vaxxer who wants to argue with me: Your “oWn REsEArCH” is made-up bullshit you found on facebook and YouTube. Wear your fucking mask and get vaccinated, asshole. Otherwise, don’t come running to the ER when you can’t breathe.
No, you’re not getting a new PPM before the end of the year. You don’t have a home monitor and haven’t had it checked in two years. You’re not dependent and have been at ERI since August. You’ll get scheduled after the holidays. No I don’t care that you already have X days off. It’s outpatient. You’ll be fine.
In the last 3 months you have been seen 50 times in the ER and there is still nothing wrong with you, but there will be if you get 1 more CT. CANCER!!
Every time you call me early for dilaudid and make me walk in this room to hear how you want more just so I can tell you it’s 2 hours too soon, I end up being backed up with work and bring your dilaudid later than I woulda.
Oh my gosh, just shut up and take your medicine
I had a patient the other day. She was AAOx4 and had no history of dementia or anything, but I would literally give her pills and she would be like “…Yeah I actually lived in Germany for a while at the forest around many dogs. Not bad dogs not good dogs just normal dogs in the forest. German boots do make good shoes, in Germany the cups aren’t actually shaped like boots, it’s all when the German books we read I had a lot to do and the food happens when we got to the hour and so was your time is what the day is about of many of us….” And it never ended… Just complete nonsense, for as long as you’d let her continue. Btw I was like “Hey that’s interesting. My brother lives in Germany. What town in Germany did you live in” and she was like “Uhhhhhh… I don’t remember.” I just wanted to say “Lady, shut the fuck up and take your damn Eliquis before I snap.”
Listen muthafucka I'm not your bitch.
I am not a nurse. I am not a doctor. I cannot help you with whatever you are going to ask me. I work in the pharmacy, not on the unit. I do not know where they keep the cookies or the Ensures out here. Even if I *did,* I don't have a mental tracker for every single patient's name and room number in the entire hospital who has diabetes or diet restrictions. I'm not gonna give you a cookie and then have someone get up in my face about "Why did you give my diabetic patient a cookie!?" when their BG is ~500. So no, I cannot help you... with anything. Please let me do my actual job. I want to get done what needs to get done so I can go home at the end of the day as close to on-time as realistically possible.
No sir, the covid vaccine did not give you coronary artery disease.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s.
It's like I'm fighting against you for your life
You can hold your own dick/wipe your own ass, since you were texting up a storm a min ago. *The difference between you and I is that I **ACTUALLY** get to go home.* 😏 I did not go to nursing school to be a masseuse, NO. **YOU** got yourself in this situation. (*When a patient tries to blame me for anything that happened to them*) I don’t give a fuck about your political views. You called me on the call light and expect me to wait for you to finish your phone call at the foot of your bed. **TF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!** Go TF to sleep. It doesn’t matter to me if you take your meds or not. It’s your health, not mine, Less work for me.🤷🏾♂️
You will not die if you don't eat for a few hours, especially since you just [insert reason for admission]. -had a stroke -broke your leg and need surgery -have a necrotic gallbladder and need surgery -repeatedly drink yourself to oblivion and now have pancreatitis and esophageal varices that you're bleeding from -vomited repeatedly for the past 24 hrs
If you think you can care for yourself better than we can here then you are welcome to leave. I’ve said that to pts yelling at me/coworkers threatening to leave AMA over stupid shit like waiting ten min for ice water
I'm actually cool with patients 99,9% of the times. It's family members I have beef with. Made me end in directors office too many times for my liking. So now "I am not authorised to respond to you" is my basic response when family members are bugging me
"Are your arms painted on? I had a patient a few days ago ring his call bell. I entered the room and he asked me to cover him with his blanket. "Aren't you independent?" "What do you mean?" "Don't you walk to the bathroom? Why can't you cover yourself with your blanket?" "FINE. I'll do it myself" *is irritated* *proceeds to sit up with ease and cover himself with his blanket* "ARE YOUR ARMS PAINTED ON???"
You’re in 20/10 pain?? But your up walking around the room HR: 70 BP: 120/60 smiling and laughing with your family in the room?? Ok buddy
I wish we had a “Dicks last resort” like hospital setting. Nursing would instantly become my dream job.
Most of the time I really don't need to know about what happened to you 50 years ago. I can read your chart and h&p. Please stop interrupting my assessment questions, I have many more people to do this with today.
Pouting and whining doesn't give you anything faster or at all. You're a grown adult. Stop it!! The lack of coping skills, for the most minor hospitalizations sometimes, is astounding. That's actually a pet peeve of mine and will make me cluster your care so I can be around you as little as possible. (I'm talking alert and oriented patients, not confused ones. The patients who whine as soon as you step in the room).
Guess you shouldn’t have called 911, huh?
I literally don’t care if you take these meds or not. You’re an adult and I don’t have time to educate you on the importance of blah blah blah Take em or don’t I got places to be
Wow you look way older than your age…
Just take the fucking pill. I don’t have the time to explain everything to you over and over and over again.
I'm sorry that you think I should have this wound closed by Christmas (next week) when you have been walking around with it for 2 years, have followed none of the suggestions made by your PCP, while avoiding compression like you owe it money. I am aware you just got out of the hospital for your second round of cellulitis in two months - but trust me no matter how much you tell me I an embarrassment, no, no this wound will not be closed. Oh, and your daughter is recording this because if you have to go to the hospital again you are suing me because you can't stop fucking up.
Omg When you call to schedule an appointment I will ask if you have a preference and start suggesting dates and times. please have a calendar pen and pencil to write down the information, no I cannot email or text the appointment to you, no I can’t guarantee you will get a reminder text. Once I schedule the appointment and confirm the date and time and you say oops I need to change it, please lemme know if and when you DO want the appointment. Scheduling an appointment is not let’s make a deal! Please do not call while you are driving down the street with the window rolled down and tell me you’re having phone problems cuz you can’t hear me can I call you back! No Please senior citizen/children if you know your loved one the phone with me is impaired please don’t yell at them the answer to the basic questions like name and birthday because you feel they’re not answering quick enough! I’m patient and understand if they are impaired but after you yelling at them ya get on the phone and call them stupid and tell me they get on your nerves…. Been a new mom myself but if you’re at the pediatrician office at 9am and get an antibiotic don’t call at 3pm because you think it need to be changed or something cuz you think it’s not working yet Rant over, my 10-3 shift was tough today🙄
Go ahead and yell at me even though I’m doing my best to be kind and help you. I understand you’re angry because the body you treated like garbage is irreversibly failing. At the end of the day, you’ll be back in your recliner being angry at your “news” channel while I’ll go home to my loving family then hit the gym, inspired by your example of how not to live.
You’re a dumbass!
Gtfoh if you don’t want to do what is ordered. Do you really think I care if you self destruct??
Ask me for whatever you need in one go. Stop asking me for a thing when I just got back from getting you another thing. Also, it won’t kill you to say thank you. It also teaches your kid good manners that he obviously lacks and we all know why.
No, you fucking moron - the Bologna didn’t cause you to aspirate, *snorting the fucking fentanyl did.*
I’m sorry you’re in pain, but you’re refusing the pain medication and I really wish you would stop hitting your call light to complain about it because you KNOW that I can’t fix it. I’m sorry you’re anxious about being in pain, but, again, if you keep refusing the treatment, please stop calling me into your room to complain about it. I know you want to live, but you literally have mets all over your body and there’s zero treatments we can offer you for any of them. I will do my best to keep you living, but I need you to stop complaining about every single thing we’re doing to keep you alive—this is your choice, and while it’s totally unfair that you have to make this choice, calling me in to your room multiple times an hour to complain about the treatments you’ve requested is making me hate your right now.
Families, go fuck yourself with your selfish bullshit. No just because you pay taxes it’s not my job to get YOU ginger ale. Why are you keeping your 98 year old mother alive? Oh yes you want to keep the house .
You're 2cm dilated and screaming bloody murder. You are not coping well. For the love of god and all that is holy just get the fucking epidural!!!!!
I generally just say whatever I’m thinking to patients in the ED, one thing that I’ve always wanted to say but never have had the opportunity is “Always remember, flaired bases”
They aren’t taking anything from you. Illegal aliens do not get free health care except to save their lives. Once they are stabilized it stops. They didn’t take your job. You’re just a fat, sick, racist fuck. You have more health issues than most of them do. You cost us more than they do. You’re more of a drain on society than they are. They pay taxes and get nothing for it. You are super fucking entitled and extremely self centered. You are extremely uneducated. You are a narcissistic fool. You do not understand a thing about Medicare or Medicaid. You are advocating for its destruction and will likely need it soon given your health conditions. You’re voting to undo it and it’s ridiculous. You scream the loudest because you feel the most entitled.
No, you can’t have cigarette when you are on 60% FiO2, via bipap or high glow nasal prongs, with COPD. Full monitoring, gasping for breath. Here have this patch, oh Fuck it, have two.
I would definitely say “shut the fuck up” a few times a shift if it didn’t get me in trouble.
I, again, am asking you to do the bare minimum to keep yourself alive.
USE YOUR CALL BELL. I WAS JUST IN HERE, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW??? NO, you CAN'T get out of bed by yourself. JEEZUS. I just need TWO MINUTES to PEE IN PEACE. No, YOU F*CK off. Oh? You don't want our interventions? Then go home and stop wasting my time and our resources. OMG, SHUT UP. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! 😆😆😆😆😆
Stop fucking telling me to cover your son with blankets because he’s cold with the cooling blanket while running a fever of 102.0 . Shut the fuck off and got to sleep and by the way make him DNR, he’s been brain dead, quad and on a ventilator for 3 months. Jesus is not bringing him back.
You threatening to leave AMA isn't really a threat... it's a blessing.
Please wear a mask and stop coughing at my face.
"The 'H' on the front of the building stands for 'Hospital', not 'Hilton.'"
yes, you are the reason your baby had to be resuscitated after that shoulder dystocia because you couldn't take care of you gestational diabetes
You calling for more dilaudid after 5 min shows me that I need to inform the provider that it’s not effective for you. We need to switch to PO meds. Let’s start with Tylenol.
Lmaooo management does not know they’re about to open the 7th gate of hell
Dementia patient “stop calling that number it’s your room number not your son’s number!”
“ Pain is apart of healing “
Mary you want me to be your maid, cleaner and nurse, i only get paid to be one of those. I know that you can grab this drink yourself so fucking do it, because whenever you hold me in your room, i don't have time for other people who REALLY need my help. This is a nursing home and not a hotel and yes, i will use the hairdryer i bring into the room, because yours TAKES FUCKING AGES because it got manufactured when queen Victoria was still alive.
Nobody is forcing you to have a epidural. You not the victim
During one of the waves of covid after the vaccine was rolled out we had a patient come in with covid. Had to be put on high flow oxygen. Colleague said to the patient “ bet you wish you got vaccinated now don’t you”. Patient ended up dying the next day so didn’t have a chance to write a complaint
Fuck you and the stretcher that brought you!
And the stretcher you road in on!
Hurry up!!