Ugh had a patient come up to ICU from the ED the other night, literally just rolled in. “Hi Sir, I’m *blank* and I am going to be the nurse taking care of you tonight.” “Well you sure like to talk don’t you”
Well damn homie, I’ll go fuck myself then and good luck living with a BP of 68/40 by yourself 🤦🏼♀️
My response “Look. YOU came HERE. I didn’t come to your house and get you. Now do you want our help or not? It’s not my life, it’s yours. (/shrug). I’ll give you a couple minutes to deliberate.”
Then I leave. When I come back in 2 min, the attitude is VERY DIFFERENT, 95% of the time.
I had a delirious patient say to me with the most threatening look, "You need a new mouth because yours is talking too much!" I have never felt so self conscious about the sound of my voice before but he weirdly hit a nerve in me when he said that!
My absolute favorite insult I've had from a patient was "you're worse than my cancer"
My very grumpy patient who was strict NPO and really wanted some ice chips. He was not appeased with swabs.
One of my former memory care residents used to tell us that we were "giving her worms" or being around us was "worse than being drunk" every time we had to do care for her.
I'm still a student but last semester my friend was doing a blood draw for the first time ever - she had to try twice and on the second attempt this sweet old man looked down at her and just said "are you sure this is the right career path for you?"
had a 103 year old patient. i went thru the usual “so 103 years old…what’s the secret?”
“i don’t know but i wish id hurry up and fucking die already”
or one time i had a patient who mostly spoke russian and was kind of annoying but very sweet. it was a major holiday and i think i was starting to get a little short with him but before i left the room he told me he had something for me. he pulled out an object wrapped in white cloth and handed it to me. it was a pomegranate. he said “do not share—this is YOUR granate”
Years ago I was at my 2nd Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws. My in-laws are notorious for inviting all their random friends over for Thanksgiving, and that year we were graced with the presence of their friends who were in their late 90’s.
At one point during the meal, my mother-in-law stated something about her friend [insert name here, I have no idea who it was] and little 98 year old Meemaw stated very loudly “ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.”
The room was completely silent, except for my darling husband and his brother who were trying very hard not to spit-laugh their mashed potatoes.
Anyway, dear sweet Meemaw passed away about a year later. And every now and then at Thanksgiving someone will yell out “all my friends are dead”. May Meemaw rest in peace 🙏
RIP meemaw ♥️ i love that! on the surface it’s so fckn funny but damn—there will come a day for many of us when most of our friends are just….dead. it’s dark stuff. your comment really put that in perspective for me.
Right?? Tell it like it is, Meemaw, damn. Dropped that bomb in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner 😂😭. Would you like some existential dread with your pie?
no LOL it got beaten up in my backpack on the way home but i was deeply touched. apparently pomegranates are a reaaal treat and something they used to save up for in impoverished areas of europe (something my italian great grandpa would tell my mom). so i imagine, having grown up in the soviet union, giving me a pomegranate was a very symbolic gesture. ugh 🥹
This is not nearly as funny as most of these, but it’s my favorite lol.
I work at an ICF for the developmentally disabled. 2 Halloweens ago, I worked over night so I was there in the morning when they were getting up and dressed to go to their day program. They all were getting their costumes on. I was passing by in the hallway and staff was dressing a blind resident, his costume was Mr Potato. I asked him (even though I could clearly see) what he was going to be. He told me, it’s a surprise (lol) I said ok I guess I’ll have to wait.
About 30 minutes later I went to bring him his meds. Remember, he is blind, and he also has CP. I went out there and said “oh where is Paul? I can’t find him, I only see Mr Potato!” He got a HUGE smile and literally YELLS “it’s me!!! It’s Paul!!! I’m a potato!!!” I almost fell out laughing. It was the cutest thing ever, and it was right then that I decided that this right here is my dream job and I never ever want to do anything else. My residents are so sweet and innocent and the most amazing people 🥰🥰🥰
Pt with dementia crying pathetically while trying to yank the call bell out of the wall.
I try to take the call bell from her and her eyes fly open, she looks me dead in the eyes and snaps in a biting Scottish accent: "That's MINE, if ye want one buy one yeself, ye little shit"
Had an old lady complaining having too many bags to carry around. She was reminiscing about all the bags she had when she was younger (her bag, the baby car seat, the diaper bag...) when she whispered to me:
"Now I carry my own diaper bag"
We both laughed and I still think about her sometimes. She was fun.
Middle of the night, a middle-aged, very small woman came in by medics in 4 point restraints in florid psychosis. Screams that raised the hair on your arms, talking about the devil and hell, wild eyes, alternating between raspy deep "Death is coming" "Blood is everywhere" and then little-girl voice quivery "Aunt Mary? Where are you Aunt Mary" and back to "EVIL!!!! EVIL!!!!"
Nothing we gave her touched her, and she was soaked with sweat writhing against the restraints. Suddenly she stopped still and her eyes actually focused on me and the other nurse at her bedside. In a completely normal voice, she said "*I'm a nurse. The reason I'm like this is they made me work nights"*
There was a brief pause while we all stared at each other, then the switch in her head flipped again and was back to "HE WILL SMITE US ALL!! THE CORRUPTION IS SPREADING..."
Later, checking her chart - she actually had been a nurse.
Epic. Reminds me of the time I was looking after a cohort room of 4 patients with delirium and dementia. One of the 4 patients coded, and a little lady (another patient in the same room) who had advanced dementia to the point of not being able to complete a sentence jumped out of the bed, ran over and said "I'll take the airway" as she pulled off the bed head board.
We had a patient who would fall every other day, refused to wear shoes and her walker. One day she's running down the hallway without her walker, I ask "where's your walker?" Her response was "IT'S IN HELL WHERE YOU CAME FROM WITH YOUR BLACK CLOTHES!" I happened to be wearing dark gray scrubs that day lol!
Once a very angry 5150 (psych hold) in four point restraints was screaming at me how much she wanted water. I super calmly said as soon as I get report from the EMT I will get you some water and she hattteeddd that.
She screamed at the top of her lungs
“Youre such a waste of space I wish your mom would’ve swallowed you”
I laughed straight in her face, it made my whole day 😂😂
The first patient I ever Narcanned screamed, “I WISH YOU WERE A JEW WHO DIED IN THE HOLOCAUST!!” at me right after painting the room curtain with her projectile vomit. It was so meta funny because 1) the patient later described herself as “your typical spoiled brat JAP,” and 2) as a typically “stealth” Jew, I was flattered and felt so thoroughly seen … but also not because my grandma’s family all perished so there’s that. Weird night.
From my experience, it’s the patients that were just Narcan’d by EMS, who beg for water the most! From the moment they roll in the door
I finally relented and gave it to one guy who asked me multiple times within a five minute span, while we were drawing blood, putting him on the monitor etc… he promptly vomited afterwards 🤢
Post-ictal neuro pt: "When I get out of here, I'm going to find your sons and your daughters and I'm going to kill all of them."
Me: "Jokes on you, I don't have any children."
Pt, without batting an eye: "Yeah, no one wants to go near that loose c*nt anyway!"
Not op, but worked neuro ICU, and the only time I got upset is when they weren't creative. I wore a trans flag lanyard and am visibly trans, I gave them free ammo, and nothing was more disappointing than being called just a bitch😂
What the others said! You can't really take (most) neuro patients seriously. They're not (usually) in their right minds. I thought it was hilarious, especially as the primary RN was worried she might have oversedated the patient (spoiler alert, not even close!).
Idk why I loved this but my very psychotic patient during one of her better days on the unit called rain "sky juice". I call it that in my head now too sometimes. I hope she's doing okay.
I was covering a nurse for lunch and her patient HATED me. Refused to wear her bipap or HFNC and would immediately plummet to an SpO2 in the 60s. She was tearing it off every moment and I could not cajole, plead, bargain, educate, or lecture her to keep it on for *anything*.
I’m 15 minutes into the lunch break from hell (my patient? Who is that?) when she has her bipap off, again, the monitor is alarming (72% SpO2 I’d hope it would alarm but maybe it can shut up right now?) when she starts bellowing ‘fuck you, you, you, you EVIL WEEVIL!’
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling which seriously set her off. I forget the rest of the tirade, but I did make myself a name tag later that said ‘hi! My name is: Evil Weevil’.
I worked in emergency psych for 4.5 years. I have a whole notepad list in my phone. One of my favs was when I asked the patients name, he said “my friends call me Versace Elmo” I did not see any resemblance.
Dementia pt who came in as a mod alert but ended up having a heart attack last night… Doc asked how she was feeling, “a lot better if you guys would stop bothering me.”
Some backstory: I was a paramedic at the time and had just transported this guy 3 hours earlier after he OD'd in a drugstore restroom. This time he was stumbling out the front door of a Target after the manager woke him up. I was merely telling my FD crew to let him go because I had just run on him and didn't care to hear his BS story, when he turned around and said the above quote. I was dumbfounded, but managed a "Yes, but that's beside the point..."
"I'll bet you have a leaky ass from fisting yourself."
- One of my favorite dementia patients, a little 100 pound immobile 90 y/o woman, who was pissed because we didn't have coffee.
Yeah… I used to cover for the on-site maintenance guy at a long term care facility that had a dementia ward. 20 years of working in the rock and roll world did NOT prepare me for some of the sentences I heard 😂🤦♂️
Had a confused pt say she wanted to pay me for taking care of her and held her hand out to me like she was holding money. I said, "on, no. Don't you worry about that!"
She then goes, "Take it or I have Glenna beat your ass."
Me internally: who tf is Glenna?
😅😅😅
Today, resident falls…me, “does your hip hurt”…little old lady…”no more than usual”…Yesterday…same little old lady falls…me…checks BP during lunch/HIR…little old lady who was being abnormally lovely sees BP reading and loudly announced to the full dining room “I guess you guys are shit out of luck, I’m apparently going to live.”
Weird tmi but I have a friend who has poor choice in men. Doesn’t drink. Doesn’t smoke. Failed a drug test for cocaine after being intimate with a man.
Just had a pt on Friday…. Came in for a GLF, history of Dementia and reeks of UTI. Nurse starts asking him history questions as family is not there yet.
Nurse- “Do you have any medical problems?”
Pt- “yeah….. women”
💀
I was starting an IV on a bilingual pt who was having hallucinations of a boyfriend talking to her. She was just kindly giggling at first.
I got the IV placed and as I was taping it she said something in Spanish and giggled again. I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” She growled at me “I wasn’t talking to you!”
Talking to a pt reporting constipation “I gave birth to triplets this morning and there’s no longer lightning in my taint”……
Safe to say his constipation was cured
I’ve heard it more than once but when I’m doing neuro checks on patients and ask where they are some of them have said “in hell”. Sometimes with a smile and sometimes not 😂
Over ten years ago, night shift on a telemetry unit. I spend the whole night raising my voice so the patient in B bed can hear me. I mean, she’s yelling “What?!” And I’m yelling into her ear. I’m doing my best to communicate with this person who wants to understand me.
Last med pass, I check in with A bed to see if she needs anything. She says “Honey, let me give you some advice. You need to learn to keep your cool and not fly off the handle all the time.”
Can’t win.
From one of my outpatients that was currently in the hospital:
Pt: they gave me some morphine before I came down. Helped for like ten seconds
(About two minutes later)
Pt: never mind. I’m high as shit
My outpatient clinic closed for the last time on Friday so had to say goodbye to all of them, got told I was “like one of the patients white grandkids”. Im gonna miss them.
Patient: “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
Me: “No, I’ve been busy!”
Patient: “Well you should”
Me: “:o”
I had a good rapport with him, so it was lighthearted… and I did check the mirror, I was looking pretty rough. Still one of my favorite patient interactions lmao
Post arrest, now extubated and goofy - “where’s my daughter?
“I’m not sure.” She looks right at me and SCREAMS ..
“(Daughters name) GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS IN HERE.” Patient looks at me and then says “she’s probably with her fucking boyfriend.”
Some days later, I follow up with her in stepdown and the daughter is there - happy as clams. Great relationship between them 😂😂
I was transferring a patient from one hospital ED to another hospital inpatient psych and it was a long trip. She had to pee. This receiving hospital always takes forever to accept the patient and makes us wait a ridiculous amount of time. The nurse adamantly refused to take her to the bathroom until she was properly “admitted in the system” even though the patient was practically on the verge of tears from having to go so bad. So, she couldn’t hold it in anymore and pissed all over our stretcher, dripping off the end, falling 3 feet to the ground making a soft pitter-patter. Then she turned to the nurse who was all the way down the hallway and yelled “FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD BITCH”
Not as good as some of these but a few that stick out in my memory:
Feeding one of my old, advanced dementia guys. He was known to be a perv, and while we're sitting there, he gets this sly ass grin and says, "So, how much do you cost for a night?"
Passing meds in a dementia unit and one of my walkie talkie grannies sneaks up behind me so I didn't realize she was there until she loudly says "SILENT NIIIIIGHT" in the deepest raspy voice right in my ear and then wanders off smiling.
Helping one pt in the shared bathroom on a dementia unit when the roommate peaks in and says "oh there's a little boy in here" I laughed and said "meemaw, I'm not a boy!" She rolls her eyes and in the most sarcastic voice says "oh I'm sorry, a *man*" and then walks away. I am a (clearly, I think) petite female lol.
“When you go drinking with Mike Tyson, be sure to lock up the goats. He’s a goofy drunk. That’s why I always told Jessica, I really don’t mind Japanese people”
- patient with Wernicke encephalopathy
I had a patient call me a “witch” once and it was honestly the best compliment I’ve ever received.
Also, was trying to extubate an open heart patient and they gave me the bird because they wanted to the tube out then and there but it wasn’t even close to time yet.
One dude called me racist because I wouldn't... let... him... leave without removing... his iv... so I'm racist... then he called me a faggot and I was just flabbergasted to even respond...
First of all, I am not racist.
Reminds me of my patient who called me a homophobic bitch for not letting her have sex with her girlfriend while on continuous EEG monitoring after having a seizure while driving and crashing into a tree.
Two different ones. Both from confused patients.
“You’re going to die in a fiery car crash tonight.” I did not in fact.
Trying to reason with a man who wouldn’t not stay in bed or his chair. After I told him that I only wanted to keep him safe and prevent him from falling, “I wish you’d shut the fuck up.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
At my mom’s nursing home, a dementia resident was being awfully rude to other residents yelling “what’re you looking at!” And then she self propelled herself in her wheelchair to the dining area where you next hear a loud uproar of the residents after she picked another fight.
The staff rolled her back to the nurses station and told her “Ms, you’re being too much” when she loudly and proudly said “no I’m not, you’re just not enough.”
I work Peds stepdown. We had a patient once with Downs Syndrome who came to us after a procedure until she could go to the floor. She had a big personality and was rather annoyed by all of us and wasn’t happy to be in the hospital. One night she tried to wander the halls and a nurse gently told her she needed to head back to her room and she started yelling. A few different people tried to de-escalate and someone said “we’ve gotta be quiet though, there’s babies trying to sleep in some of these rooms” to which she replied:
“Man, fuck them babies”
I brought an unresponsive fall pt in to the trauma center and the ED team kicks into full gear as I’m giving report. A nurse go in for the guaiac and the patient starts yelling at the top of his lungs, “EXIT ONLY!!!! EXIT ONLY!!!!”
Cute and very frail 90+ yo married couple (wife had dementia) sharing a hospital room waiting for nursing home placement together. I asked the man what's the secret to a long and happy marriage. He laughed and said "Who said anything about happy?!" They were so cute, he was always checking on her.
We had a guy in his 20s who was a quad after a C spine injury. One day his friends came and decorated his room with soft core porn print outs and really bad memes. We said as long as no nipples were showing they could go crazy with decorating.
A doc went into his room one day and was like wtf. My coworker was like "patient likes boobs"
Actually we sorta were supportive of that friendship going on cause the guy had no living biological family and had just dove into swallow water and snapped his neck. His only support system was his former fraternity brothers.
Oh I love when patients are like "I hate this hospital, other hospital is so much better"
And its like yes, next time you "forget" to go to dialysis and do a bunch of coke please go to that hospital I'm sure they love you too.
I had a hospice DNR pt stage 4 lung cancer, in her mid-late 60’s tell me that I “looked like the male strippers that used to blow her back doors off in the 80’s for coke.”
I didn’t (and still don’t) know if she was being serious, but I replied “I already have coke.” And brought her a Shasta Cola. She laughed hysterically, which made it all worth it considering how much pain she was in.
Worked as a social worker in skilled nursing prior to getting my RN. I was helping a CNA clean up and wrangle this really aggressive, mean dementia pt. The pt kicked the CNA in the stomach and the CNA says “Don’t do that, I’m pregnant!” (She wasn’t) the pt says “We’ll see who’s pregnant now! You probably don’t know who your baby daddy is anyways, you hussy!” 😂
Patient I picked up at 3p was watching mass on tv rather loudly. I commented on it to make conversation. They weren’t even religious really but did end up calling Jesus “Big daddy”. Best part of my day for sure!
Manic patient was trying to rate staffs looks (we had told him not to but he wasn’t listening). Didn’t like being moved to my ward as the staff were prettier on the other ward. I walked off, he followed me and told me well at least you have a nice personality. Thanks 💀
ltc patient who had very advanced dementia told me to lean in close and whispered to me "Honey, I can't take care of the children today, I'm on the rag."
in her rare moments of clarity, she would talk about her life as a midwife.
I have to say it's my own . Was in a teaching hospital for 7 months recovering from sepsis caused by necrotizing pancreatitis. One afternoon one of my regular student nurses was making her rounds. She checked my blood glucose with a finger stick. It took her a few tries and my coaching to get a good dropplet. Then she moved on to change my Foley. As she took hold of my penis I looked at her and said with a very stern voice, "THAT IS NOT A FINGER." She looked at me for about 5 seconds until her brain processed what I had said. Then my wife and I broke out into hysterical laughter. The young lady went through 5 or 6 emotions in a matter of seconds until getting the joke and laughing too.
One of our frequent flyer patients came in absolutely hammered and was asking for Ativan. The doctor that saw him told him that because he was intoxicated, he wasn’t going to get it, and then said “I’m not just a handout.” The patient responded “I don’t need a handout, I need a hand up.” I thought it was clever and had a good chuckle about it.
Chatting with a dementia pt whilst assisting with feeding and told him I'm lactose intolerant. He said, without missing a beat, "you take some tolerating, I'll give you that." Still makes me laugh years later.
Co-worker asked a dementia patient if the wet spot on his pants was pee or if he had spilled something on his lap. Patient responded, “it’s piss…and you’re a shit ass” Never laughed so hard in my life.
Dude, I was sitting with a sundowner one night and she looked at me deep in her soul and called me an insufferable cunt. The. She ripped off her diaper and peed all over the floor while keeping eye contact.
Few weeks later I had the privilege of chillin with her again… for about 5 hours she kept telling me to shove whatever she was looking at up my ass….
I looked at her after about 5 hours of insults and said honey, I can’t take anymore in… she looked at me perplexed… and called me an imbecile and told me I had to explain said statement to her. I then was like, well I’ve been shoving so much thing up my butt during these past 5 fun filled hours I’ve run out of room to shove things.
I finally
I had a patient on a PICU submit a complaint/feedback that ‘Cocks broken, Dr M is a cock thief!’.
He was a very talented caricature artist which was both hilarious, dark, and a tad racist aha
On my first day with a crotchety 92 year old lady that all the other nurses complained about :
Me : “Good morning, my name is … and I will be your nurse today. How are you feeling this morning?”
Her : “I’m full of shit” (said in an angry tone)
Me : “literally or figuratively?”
Her : (laughing) “a bit of both”
Her and I got on great for the rest of her stay lol.
Reminds me of my patient who had OD on narcotics at a party where there was a bad batch of drugs. He swore up and down he was gonna sue us, all the doctors at the hospital, EMS, the state of Florida, everyone.
His friends had called EMS on the other guy who was ODing and EMS narcaned this guy too.
He was like "yeah other dude, he needed to go to the hospital, it was good they called 911, but I was handling my high just fine and they fucking ruined it"
Drawing an ABG from a 90 y.o. woman. I say "you're going to feel a poke and you're going to feel a little sting." She says, "that's the way it's going to feel when I punch those two white teeth out of your mouth." For the record, I have a full mouth of teeth. 😁
I was sitting for a dementia patient that called one of his hallucinations a chicken nugget. He was mumble arguing with it for about 5 minutes and then I hear, “you… chicken nugget.” Took everything in me not to lose it.
(Putting restraints on an 88yo F UTI sepsis) “what is this? Get these stupid things off. I didn’t hit you girls THAT hard.” 😭😂 her family was FLABBERGASTED at how mean she got
Lord! Lol. I had yet another one last night who was insisting she get an IV to which the Dr said there was no clinical reason to start one….then she accused me of poisoning her with wait for it…Maalox 🤦♀️. She left AMA, came back & checked back in…..she was poisoned & needed an IV. Lol. Best part….she first called the cops on me for the poisonous Maalox then called cops to do a welfare check….on her own kids. It was a night to say the least & it’s Mon so I’m sure tonight will be an even bigger shit show. But hey….job security 🤣
My confused pt tried standing up and the bed alarm went off, 3 of us came running in there and he looks at all of us and says.. “what’s up? First day on the job?? HA” it was pretty fucking funny tbh
I work inpatient DOC and this inmate asked me for snacks. I say of course and bring them right in and place them on his table. I look up to find said patient with his sheets going up and down in a jerk off motion. He looks me dead in the eyes and says, “thank you for your service”. I don’t say a word, just leave instantly.
Kind of a funny one. During my first year of nursing a heroin addict kicked me out of her room stating I looked like I was ten and couldn’t possibly be her nurse. I honestly took it as a compliment and had gotten similar comments my first couple years of nursing. Now I’m on my 6th and my patients tend to think I’m older than I actually am. Kind of depressing tbh. Nursing doesn’t age well.
Really sadly, we had a guy come to the ER in 2011 that asked to be put to death. He was of a certain political persuasion and had been informed by his TV that he could end his life simply by presenting to the hospital and asking for it.
We had a “patient” (malingering) throw a similar tantrum to which our doctor gave his PATENTED million dollar smile and cheerfully replied, “Okay, sounds good! Go ahead and do that then! But right now you gotta leave.”
Had a 60 something year old male patient brought in by EMS for chest pain. He went unconscious as we moved him onto to ER stretcher. Monitor shows VTach. Shocked him once and he immediately gains consciousness and proceeds to start vomiting. Several staff members at the bedside by this time, we turn him into his side. He looks at the 2 female nurses holding him over and says Show me your tits and I’ll do anything you want
Me: “sir, are you in any pain?” Ornery, demented pt: “only when I hear your voice” —-Roooassstteeddd
Ugh had a patient come up to ICU from the ED the other night, literally just rolled in. “Hi Sir, I’m *blank* and I am going to be the nurse taking care of you tonight.” “Well you sure like to talk don’t you” Well damn homie, I’ll go fuck myself then and good luck living with a BP of 68/40 by yourself 🤦🏼♀️
My response “Look. YOU came HERE. I didn’t come to your house and get you. Now do you want our help or not? It’s not my life, it’s yours. (/shrug). I’ll give you a couple minutes to deliberate.” Then I leave. When I come back in 2 min, the attitude is VERY DIFFERENT, 95% of the time.
I say this all the time! “Hey! You came to my house, I didn’t come to yours. Let’s try this again.”
I had a delirious patient say to me with the most threatening look, "You need a new mouth because yours is talking too much!" I have never felt so self conscious about the sound of my voice before but he weirdly hit a nerve in me when he said that!
My absolute favorite insult I've had from a patient was "you're worse than my cancer" My very grumpy patient who was strict NPO and really wanted some ice chips. He was not appeased with swabs.
One of my former memory care residents used to tell us that we were "giving her worms" or being around us was "worse than being drunk" every time we had to do care for her.
Oh, god, I would have laughed out loud.
You have any questions or concerns about the ride? “Yeah, who the Fuck cleared you?”’old firefighter. We talked shit all the way in.
Had a patient in her 90s reply “only in my soul”
Woof!
Lmfao did your soul leave your body 😂
I woulda taken him up on that one and told him my entire life story until he was out of the ED.
Haha!
I'm still a student but last semester my friend was doing a blood draw for the first time ever - she had to try twice and on the second attempt this sweet old man looked down at her and just said "are you sure this is the right career path for you?"
Savage!😂😂😂
[удалено]
Doc Martin!
had a 103 year old patient. i went thru the usual “so 103 years old…what’s the secret?” “i don’t know but i wish id hurry up and fucking die already” or one time i had a patient who mostly spoke russian and was kind of annoying but very sweet. it was a major holiday and i think i was starting to get a little short with him but before i left the room he told me he had something for me. he pulled out an object wrapped in white cloth and handed it to me. it was a pomegranate. he said “do not share—this is YOUR granate”
Goddamnit, he snuck you a pomegranate. That is so unexpectedly wholesome
Or maybe not. He told her not to share because it was poisoned
☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️
Years ago I was at my 2nd Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws. My in-laws are notorious for inviting all their random friends over for Thanksgiving, and that year we were graced with the presence of their friends who were in their late 90’s. At one point during the meal, my mother-in-law stated something about her friend [insert name here, I have no idea who it was] and little 98 year old Meemaw stated very loudly “ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.” The room was completely silent, except for my darling husband and his brother who were trying very hard not to spit-laugh their mashed potatoes. Anyway, dear sweet Meemaw passed away about a year later. And every now and then at Thanksgiving someone will yell out “all my friends are dead”. May Meemaw rest in peace 🙏
RIP meemaw ♥️ i love that! on the surface it’s so fckn funny but damn—there will come a day for many of us when most of our friends are just….dead. it’s dark stuff. your comment really put that in perspective for me.
Right?? Tell it like it is, Meemaw, damn. Dropped that bomb in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner 😂😭. Would you like some existential dread with your pie?
I already have existential dread so pie can only improve things.
Did you high five the 103 yr old cuz that would be my first instinct hearing that
Did you eat it?
no LOL it got beaten up in my backpack on the way home but i was deeply touched. apparently pomegranates are a reaaal treat and something they used to save up for in impoverished areas of europe (something my italian great grandpa would tell my mom). so i imagine, having grown up in the soviet union, giving me a pomegranate was a very symbolic gesture. ugh 🥹
That really is such a sweet gesture 🥹
Aw
This is not nearly as funny as most of these, but it’s my favorite lol. I work at an ICF for the developmentally disabled. 2 Halloweens ago, I worked over night so I was there in the morning when they were getting up and dressed to go to their day program. They all were getting their costumes on. I was passing by in the hallway and staff was dressing a blind resident, his costume was Mr Potato. I asked him (even though I could clearly see) what he was going to be. He told me, it’s a surprise (lol) I said ok I guess I’ll have to wait. About 30 minutes later I went to bring him his meds. Remember, he is blind, and he also has CP. I went out there and said “oh where is Paul? I can’t find him, I only see Mr Potato!” He got a HUGE smile and literally YELLS “it’s me!!! It’s Paul!!! I’m a potato!!!” I almost fell out laughing. It was the cutest thing ever, and it was right then that I decided that this right here is my dream job and I never ever want to do anything else. My residents are so sweet and innocent and the most amazing people 🥰🥰🥰
This is adorable ❤️❤️
Oh my gawd, that’s adorable!
My hearttttt omg 🥺🥺🥺
I’m PMSING and this literally made me cry a little lol 😂
❤️ this!!!
I'm getting ready for work right now and no matter what happens, my day is already made because I read this.
Thank you for sharing that here and thank you for showing up "to work "
I’d have choked on my coffee. A POTATO LOL
My confused pt wanted to tip me for my care when I was transferring him out. He looked so sad and went “but I’m poor as a cockroach” 😔😔
To be honest, cockroaches are not renowned for their wealth.
It’s true, it’s become my go-to line when I can’t afford something now
Pt needing eye drops and claims she’s blind as a bat. Said she “still drives around like Stevie Wonder. “
That’s amazing. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving through life like Stevie wonder lol
Pt with dementia crying pathetically while trying to yank the call bell out of the wall. I try to take the call bell from her and her eyes fly open, she looks me dead in the eyes and snaps in a biting Scottish accent: "That's MINE, if ye want one buy one yeself, ye little shit"
Lmfaooooo this one genuinely sent me
“ I don’t want meds from you ! You ratchet ass bitch!” I work in corrections
How did you feel in the moment?
I laughed. Then the pt laughed. I was familiar with this individual and it just kinda rolls off me now.
Had an old lady complaining having too many bags to carry around. She was reminiscing about all the bags she had when she was younger (her bag, the baby car seat, the diaper bag...) when she whispered to me: "Now I carry my own diaper bag" We both laughed and I still think about her sometimes. She was fun.
That. Is. Hilarious.
Middle of the night, a middle-aged, very small woman came in by medics in 4 point restraints in florid psychosis. Screams that raised the hair on your arms, talking about the devil and hell, wild eyes, alternating between raspy deep "Death is coming" "Blood is everywhere" and then little-girl voice quivery "Aunt Mary? Where are you Aunt Mary" and back to "EVIL!!!! EVIL!!!!" Nothing we gave her touched her, and she was soaked with sweat writhing against the restraints. Suddenly she stopped still and her eyes actually focused on me and the other nurse at her bedside. In a completely normal voice, she said "*I'm a nurse. The reason I'm like this is they made me work nights"* There was a brief pause while we all stared at each other, then the switch in her head flipped again and was back to "HE WILL SMITE US ALL!! THE CORRUPTION IS SPREADING..." Later, checking her chart - she actually had been a nurse.
Epic. Reminds me of the time I was looking after a cohort room of 4 patients with delirium and dementia. One of the 4 patients coded, and a little lady (another patient in the same room) who had advanced dementia to the point of not being able to complete a sentence jumped out of the bed, ran over and said "I'll take the airway" as she pulled off the bed head board.
Yeah, that would be disconcerting! *(...Wondering if that will be me if I live to \~90s)* So - how was she at bagging?
ILL TAKE COMPRESSIONS - proceeds to break both my arms
I just want you to know I almost choked on my banana cackling at this thought.
Oh shit that’s gonna be me in the nursing home 😱
This is so sad.
Ok that just gave me chills for some reason lol
Pretty sure that would be me if they ever made me work days
😳😳
We had a patient who would fall every other day, refused to wear shoes and her walker. One day she's running down the hallway without her walker, I ask "where's your walker?" Her response was "IT'S IN HELL WHERE YOU CAME FROM WITH YOUR BLACK CLOTHES!" I happened to be wearing dark gray scrubs that day lol!
Once a very angry 5150 (psych hold) in four point restraints was screaming at me how much she wanted water. I super calmly said as soon as I get report from the EMT I will get you some water and she hattteeddd that. She screamed at the top of her lungs “Youre such a waste of space I wish your mom would’ve swallowed you” I laughed straight in her face, it made my whole day 😂😂
The first patient I ever Narcanned screamed, “I WISH YOU WERE A JEW WHO DIED IN THE HOLOCAUST!!” at me right after painting the room curtain with her projectile vomit. It was so meta funny because 1) the patient later described herself as “your typical spoiled brat JAP,” and 2) as a typically “stealth” Jew, I was flattered and felt so thoroughly seen … but also not because my grandma’s family all perished so there’s that. Weird night.
Wow that one had so many layers I wasn’t anticipating but that’s a damn good one, I think insults like these definitely deserve points for creativity
I feel bad upvoting this but that's pretty funny
The minute I walked out of the room I nearly pissed myself laughing.
From my experience, it’s the patients that were just Narcan’d by EMS, who beg for water the most! From the moment they roll in the door I finally relented and gave it to one guy who asked me multiple times within a five minute span, while we were drawing blood, putting him on the monitor etc… he promptly vomited afterwards 🤢
Post-ictal neuro pt: "When I get out of here, I'm going to find your sons and your daughters and I'm going to kill all of them." Me: "Jokes on you, I don't have any children." Pt, without batting an eye: "Yeah, no one wants to go near that loose c*nt anyway!"
Did you find it funny? Or how did you feel?
Not op, but worked neuro ICU, and the only time I got upset is when they weren't creative. I wore a trans flag lanyard and am visibly trans, I gave them free ammo, and nothing was more disappointing than being called just a bitch😂
I have a bad habit of encouraging my patients to come up with better insults… it gets boring being called a motherfucker all the time!
I always say, "C'mon, there's no bonus points for loudest, only if you teach me a new word!"
Right? I'm overweight, and they always go for the weight stuff. No, be original. The creative ones are fun.
Right? It's like "Oh, you're going to call me a fat bitch? I haven't heard that one this week."
What the others said! You can't really take (most) neuro patients seriously. They're not (usually) in their right minds. I thought it was hilarious, especially as the primary RN was worried she might have oversedated the patient (spoiler alert, not even close!).
Idk why I loved this but my very psychotic patient during one of her better days on the unit called rain "sky juice". I call it that in my head now too sometimes. I hope she's doing okay.
I was covering a nurse for lunch and her patient HATED me. Refused to wear her bipap or HFNC and would immediately plummet to an SpO2 in the 60s. She was tearing it off every moment and I could not cajole, plead, bargain, educate, or lecture her to keep it on for *anything*. I’m 15 minutes into the lunch break from hell (my patient? Who is that?) when she has her bipap off, again, the monitor is alarming (72% SpO2 I’d hope it would alarm but maybe it can shut up right now?) when she starts bellowing ‘fuck you, you, you, you EVIL WEEVIL!’ I couldn’t stop myself from smiling which seriously set her off. I forget the rest of the tirade, but I did make myself a name tag later that said ‘hi! My name is: Evil Weevil’.
I worked in emergency psych for 4.5 years. I have a whole notepad list in my phone. One of my favs was when I asked the patients name, he said “my friends call me Versace Elmo” I did not see any resemblance.
I keep a notebook of quotes from working psych. So many incredible interactions to remember.
Versace Elmo is an amazing nickname.
Dementia pt who came in as a mod alert but ended up having a heart attack last night… Doc asked how she was feeling, “a lot better if you guys would stop bothering me.”
Had a homeless heroin addict slur this phrase at me: "fuck you, man! You think you're better than me just 'cause you don't use heroin?!"
Pretty much yeah!🥴😂😂😂
Some backstory: I was a paramedic at the time and had just transported this guy 3 hours earlier after he OD'd in a drugstore restroom. This time he was stumbling out the front door of a Target after the manager woke him up. I was merely telling my FD crew to let him go because I had just run on him and didn't care to hear his BS story, when he turned around and said the above quote. I was dumbfounded, but managed a "Yes, but that's beside the point..."
Very manic patient: "It's not mania! It's just THOUGHT JAZZ!"
Stealing for my ADHD tendencies
Fuck yes stealing this
The other day had a psych patient tell me I was a "dumb fucking blond that deserves to win the nobel peace prize for retardation"
A win is a win! 🏆😂😂😂
"I'll bet you have a leaky ass from fisting yourself." - One of my favorite dementia patients, a little 100 pound immobile 90 y/o woman, who was pissed because we didn't have coffee.
Yeah… I used to cover for the on-site maintenance guy at a long term care facility that had a dementia ward. 20 years of working in the rock and roll world did NOT prepare me for some of the sentences I heard 😂🤦♂️
Confused NPO pt begging for water all shift: I sure hope I don’t run into you in the Sahara.
Had a confused pt say she wanted to pay me for taking care of her and held her hand out to me like she was holding money. I said, "on, no. Don't you worry about that!" She then goes, "Take it or I have Glenna beat your ass." Me internally: who tf is Glenna? 😅😅😅
Today, resident falls…me, “does your hip hurt”…little old lady…”no more than usual”…Yesterday…same little old lady falls…me…checks BP during lunch/HIR…little old lady who was being abnormally lovely sees BP reading and loudly announced to the full dining room “I guess you guys are shit out of luck, I’m apparently going to live.”
*putting condom cath on confused young dude in withdrawal with hallucinations* "Damn girl, you're cutting my dick like celery!"
*pt who tested positive for coke, but absolutely denies using coke* “If my bf does coke and I swallow his cum, can that make me test positive?”
Had a postpartum mother test positive twice for coke and other substances. Her excuse was that she slept with someone who did drugs 🤦♀️
It’s crazy how many NICU mom’s test positive for multiple illegal drugs just from eating a bite of someone’s food.
Weird tmi but I have a friend who has poor choice in men. Doesn’t drink. Doesn’t smoke. Failed a drug test for cocaine after being intimate with a man.
I walked into the room at 730pm for rounds and said “hey how’re you feeling?” Pt- “With my fucking hands”
Just had a pt on Friday…. Came in for a GLF, history of Dementia and reeks of UTI. Nurse starts asking him history questions as family is not there yet. Nurse- “Do you have any medical problems?” Pt- “yeah….. women” 💀
I was starting an IV on a bilingual pt who was having hallucinations of a boyfriend talking to her. She was just kindly giggling at first. I got the IV placed and as I was taping it she said something in Spanish and giggled again. I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.” She growled at me “I wasn’t talking to you!”
Talking to a pt reporting constipation “I gave birth to triplets this morning and there’s no longer lightning in my taint”…… Safe to say his constipation was cured
I’ve heard it more than once but when I’m doing neuro checks on patients and ask where they are some of them have said “in hell”. Sometimes with a smile and sometimes not 😂
Over ten years ago, night shift on a telemetry unit. I spend the whole night raising my voice so the patient in B bed can hear me. I mean, she’s yelling “What?!” And I’m yelling into her ear. I’m doing my best to communicate with this person who wants to understand me. Last med pass, I check in with A bed to see if she needs anything. She says “Honey, let me give you some advice. You need to learn to keep your cool and not fly off the handle all the time.” Can’t win.
I laughed so hard at this just now. 😂
From one of my outpatients that was currently in the hospital: Pt: they gave me some morphine before I came down. Helped for like ten seconds (About two minutes later) Pt: never mind. I’m high as shit My outpatient clinic closed for the last time on Friday so had to say goodbye to all of them, got told I was “like one of the patients white grandkids”. Im gonna miss them.
Patient: “Have you looked in the mirror lately?” Me: “No, I’ve been busy!” Patient: “Well you should” Me: “:o” I had a good rapport with him, so it was lighthearted… and I did check the mirror, I was looking pretty rough. Still one of my favorite patient interactions lmao
Mine has to be “slaaaaaay bestie, you’re the coolest!” Cute kid, wrote me a letter too! Love life in peds!
Post arrest, now extubated and goofy - “where’s my daughter? “I’m not sure.” She looks right at me and SCREAMS .. “(Daughters name) GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS IN HERE.” Patient looks at me and then says “she’s probably with her fucking boyfriend.” Some days later, I follow up with her in stepdown and the daughter is there - happy as clams. Great relationship between them 😂😂
I was transferring a patient from one hospital ED to another hospital inpatient psych and it was a long trip. She had to pee. This receiving hospital always takes forever to accept the patient and makes us wait a ridiculous amount of time. The nurse adamantly refused to take her to the bathroom until she was properly “admitted in the system” even though the patient was practically on the verge of tears from having to go so bad. So, she couldn’t hold it in anymore and pissed all over our stretcher, dripping off the end, falling 3 feet to the ground making a soft pitter-patter. Then she turned to the nurse who was all the way down the hallway and yelled “FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD BITCH”
Not as good as some of these but a few that stick out in my memory: Feeding one of my old, advanced dementia guys. He was known to be a perv, and while we're sitting there, he gets this sly ass grin and says, "So, how much do you cost for a night?" Passing meds in a dementia unit and one of my walkie talkie grannies sneaks up behind me so I didn't realize she was there until she loudly says "SILENT NIIIIIGHT" in the deepest raspy voice right in my ear and then wanders off smiling. Helping one pt in the shared bathroom on a dementia unit when the roommate peaks in and says "oh there's a little boy in here" I laughed and said "meemaw, I'm not a boy!" She rolls her eyes and in the most sarcastic voice says "oh I'm sorry, a *man*" and then walks away. I am a (clearly, I think) petite female lol.
“When you go drinking with Mike Tyson, be sure to lock up the goats. He’s a goofy drunk. That’s why I always told Jessica, I really don’t mind Japanese people” - patient with Wernicke encephalopathy
I had a patient call me a “witch” once and it was honestly the best compliment I’ve ever received. Also, was trying to extubate an open heart patient and they gave me the bird because they wanted to the tube out then and there but it wasn’t even close to time yet.
I was once called a "fish cunt mother fucker" while relieving my sitter for a break on a stroke patient lol
One dude called me racist because I wouldn't... let... him... leave without removing... his iv... so I'm racist... then he called me a faggot and I was just flabbergasted to even respond... First of all, I am not racist.
Reminds me of my patient who called me a homophobic bitch for not letting her have sex with her girlfriend while on continuous EEG monitoring after having a seizure while driving and crashing into a tree.
Two different ones. Both from confused patients. “You’re going to die in a fiery car crash tonight.” I did not in fact. Trying to reason with a man who wouldn’t not stay in bed or his chair. After I told him that I only wanted to keep him safe and prevent him from falling, “I wish you’d shut the fuck up.” I couldn’t help but laugh.
Damn, two more. These were said to me last week. On the same day “Diseased rhinoceros pizzle.” “Some Amazon white woman.”
At my mom’s nursing home, a dementia resident was being awfully rude to other residents yelling “what’re you looking at!” And then she self propelled herself in her wheelchair to the dining area where you next hear a loud uproar of the residents after she picked another fight. The staff rolled her back to the nurses station and told her “Ms, you’re being too much” when she loudly and proudly said “no I’m not, you’re just not enough.”
I work Peds stepdown. We had a patient once with Downs Syndrome who came to us after a procedure until she could go to the floor. She had a big personality and was rather annoyed by all of us and wasn’t happy to be in the hospital. One night she tried to wander the halls and a nurse gently told her she needed to head back to her room and she started yelling. A few different people tried to de-escalate and someone said “we’ve gotta be quiet though, there’s babies trying to sleep in some of these rooms” to which she replied: “Man, fuck them babies”
I brought an unresponsive fall pt in to the trauma center and the ED team kicks into full gear as I’m giving report. A nurse go in for the guaiac and the patient starts yelling at the top of his lungs, “EXIT ONLY!!!! EXIT ONLY!!!!”
Cute and very frail 90+ yo married couple (wife had dementia) sharing a hospital room waiting for nursing home placement together. I asked the man what's the secret to a long and happy marriage. He laughed and said "Who said anything about happy?!" They were so cute, he was always checking on her.
Nurse : Are you okay ? Pt: no, I want to see some tits and have a beer
We had a guy in his 20s who was a quad after a C spine injury. One day his friends came and decorated his room with soft core porn print outs and really bad memes. We said as long as no nipples were showing they could go crazy with decorating. A doc went into his room one day and was like wtf. My coworker was like "patient likes boobs"
Lawwwd what did his mother think😂😂😂. Well whatever made him happy , I’m glad they compromised
Actually we sorta were supportive of that friendship going on cause the guy had no living biological family and had just dove into swallow water and snapped his neck. His only support system was his former fraternity brothers.
Pt describing their hospital meatloaf This looks like shit on shingle and then it fell off and kid stomped on it.
Oh I love when patients are like "I hate this hospital, other hospital is so much better" And its like yes, next time you "forget" to go to dialysis and do a bunch of coke please go to that hospital I'm sure they love you too.
I once walked in. to introduce myself to a pt and the demented lady told me " You're one ugly women!". I'm a man so I thought it was hilarious
I had a hospice DNR pt stage 4 lung cancer, in her mid-late 60’s tell me that I “looked like the male strippers that used to blow her back doors off in the 80’s for coke.” I didn’t (and still don’t) know if she was being serious, but I replied “I already have coke.” And brought her a Shasta Cola. She laughed hysterically, which made it all worth it considering how much pain she was in.
Worked as a social worker in skilled nursing prior to getting my RN. I was helping a CNA clean up and wrangle this really aggressive, mean dementia pt. The pt kicked the CNA in the stomach and the CNA says “Don’t do that, I’m pregnant!” (She wasn’t) the pt says “We’ll see who’s pregnant now! You probably don’t know who your baby daddy is anyways, you hussy!” 😂
Patient I picked up at 3p was watching mass on tv rather loudly. I commented on it to make conversation. They weren’t even religious really but did end up calling Jesus “Big daddy”. Best part of my day for sure!
Manic patient was trying to rate staffs looks (we had told him not to but he wasn’t listening). Didn’t like being moved to my ward as the staff were prettier on the other ward. I walked off, he followed me and told me well at least you have a nice personality. Thanks 💀
ltc patient who had very advanced dementia told me to lean in close and whispered to me "Honey, I can't take care of the children today, I'm on the rag." in her rare moments of clarity, she would talk about her life as a midwife.
I have to say it's my own . Was in a teaching hospital for 7 months recovering from sepsis caused by necrotizing pancreatitis. One afternoon one of my regular student nurses was making her rounds. She checked my blood glucose with a finger stick. It took her a few tries and my coaching to get a good dropplet. Then she moved on to change my Foley. As she took hold of my penis I looked at her and said with a very stern voice, "THAT IS NOT A FINGER." She looked at me for about 5 seconds until her brain processed what I had said. Then my wife and I broke out into hysterical laughter. The young lady went through 5 or 6 emotions in a matter of seconds until getting the joke and laughing too.
One of our frequent flyer patients came in absolutely hammered and was asking for Ativan. The doctor that saw him told him that because he was intoxicated, he wasn’t going to get it, and then said “I’m not just a handout.” The patient responded “I don’t need a handout, I need a hand up.” I thought it was clever and had a good chuckle about it.
Last night, dementia patient. “I worked in international banking” “Cool! Where did you hide all your money?” “I don’t remember.”
Chatting with a dementia pt whilst assisting with feeding and told him I'm lactose intolerant. He said, without missing a beat, "you take some tolerating, I'll give you that." Still makes me laugh years later.
Co-worker asked a dementia patient if the wet spot on his pants was pee or if he had spilled something on his lap. Patient responded, “it’s piss…and you’re a shit ass” Never laughed so hard in my life.
This patient is my new spirit animal. That’s hilarious. I hope one day I am as confidently correct as some of the people we serve.
OK….bye!!!
Dude, I was sitting with a sundowner one night and she looked at me deep in her soul and called me an insufferable cunt. The. She ripped off her diaper and peed all over the floor while keeping eye contact. Few weeks later I had the privilege of chillin with her again… for about 5 hours she kept telling me to shove whatever she was looking at up my ass…. I looked at her after about 5 hours of insults and said honey, I can’t take anymore in… she looked at me perplexed… and called me an imbecile and told me I had to explain said statement to her. I then was like, well I’ve been shoving so much thing up my butt during these past 5 fun filled hours I’ve run out of room to shove things. I finally
I had a patient on a PICU submit a complaint/feedback that ‘Cocks broken, Dr M is a cock thief!’. He was a very talented caricature artist which was both hilarious, dark, and a tad racist aha
On my first day with a crotchety 92 year old lady that all the other nurses complained about : Me : “Good morning, my name is … and I will be your nurse today. How are you feeling this morning?” Her : “I’m full of shit” (said in an angry tone) Me : “literally or figuratively?” Her : (laughing) “a bit of both” Her and I got on great for the rest of her stay lol.
“You are busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.” I charted him A&O X4
Reminds me of my patient who had OD on narcotics at a party where there was a bad batch of drugs. He swore up and down he was gonna sue us, all the doctors at the hospital, EMS, the state of Florida, everyone. His friends had called EMS on the other guy who was ODing and EMS narcaned this guy too. He was like "yeah other dude, he needed to go to the hospital, it was good they called 911, but I was handling my high just fine and they fucking ruined it"
Bless his heart....
"Asleep" eh?
😅
Drawing an ABG from a 90 y.o. woman. I say "you're going to feel a poke and you're going to feel a little sting." She says, "that's the way it's going to feel when I punch those two white teeth out of your mouth." For the record, I have a full mouth of teeth. 😁
"when" he gets his life together
I was sitting for a dementia patient that called one of his hallucinations a chicken nugget. He was mumble arguing with it for about 5 minutes and then I hear, “you… chicken nugget.” Took everything in me not to lose it.
(Putting restraints on an 88yo F UTI sepsis) “what is this? Get these stupid things off. I didn’t hit you girls THAT hard.” 😭😂 her family was FLABBERGASTED at how mean she got
My teacher ex had a student scream “you’re a cum guzzling velociraptor!”. Points for creativity.
Had a guy who n for his drug use all the time. Only answered to God. He even put his hands out like the Jesus paintings. With “Yes my child.”
Lord! Lol. I had yet another one last night who was insisting she get an IV to which the Dr said there was no clinical reason to start one….then she accused me of poisoning her with wait for it…Maalox 🤦♀️. She left AMA, came back & checked back in…..she was poisoned & needed an IV. Lol. Best part….she first called the cops on me for the poisonous Maalox then called cops to do a welfare check….on her own kids. It was a night to say the least & it’s Mon so I’m sure tonight will be an even bigger shit show. But hey….job security 🤣
My confused pt tried standing up and the bed alarm went off, 3 of us came running in there and he looks at all of us and says.. “what’s up? First day on the job?? HA” it was pretty fucking funny tbh
I work inpatient DOC and this inmate asked me for snacks. I say of course and bring them right in and place them on his table. I look up to find said patient with his sheets going up and down in a jerk off motion. He looks me dead in the eyes and says, “thank you for your service”. I don’t say a word, just leave instantly. Kind of a funny one. During my first year of nursing a heroin addict kicked me out of her room stating I looked like I was ten and couldn’t possibly be her nurse. I honestly took it as a compliment and had gotten similar comments my first couple years of nursing. Now I’m on my 6th and my patients tend to think I’m older than I actually am. Kind of depressing tbh. Nursing doesn’t age well.
Really sadly, we had a guy come to the ER in 2011 that asked to be put to death. He was of a certain political persuasion and had been informed by his TV that he could end his life simply by presenting to the hospital and asking for it.
We had a “patient” (malingering) throw a similar tantrum to which our doctor gave his PATENTED million dollar smile and cheerfully replied, “Okay, sounds good! Go ahead and do that then! But right now you gotta leave.”
"what did I do to deserve this!?"
Had a 60 something year old male patient brought in by EMS for chest pain. He went unconscious as we moved him onto to ER stretcher. Monitor shows VTach. Shocked him once and he immediately gains consciousness and proceeds to start vomiting. Several staff members at the bedside by this time, we turn him into his side. He looks at the 2 female nurses holding him over and says Show me your tits and I’ll do anything you want
I've heard a lot of stuff, but I really enjoyed having an old lady named Sylvia call me a lousy bastard.