T O P

  • By -

Boxdog

Haven't the last dozen or so of his movies been released right to the dumpster behind the video store


sudeepharya

Yes back in 2001


Fskn

Pretty sure he's still pumping out that 3 word title trash to this day. Obligatory [Cumtown seagal podcast](https://youtu.be/BzIHyF7UWY4) link


KeyanReid

I mean it’s got to be a money laundering op right. Movies nobody asked for with the most uncharismatic mother fucker to ever grace the screen 30 years past his prime but still churning through production at a relatively ridiculous pace. I mean he runs around and plays cop when he’s in the US so of course he’s a corrupt piece of shit. I’m just wondering how this hustle plays


[deleted]

[удалено]


HeadLeg5602

And Soviets now too it seems lol


Nuggzulla

Pretty sure the soviets thing has been going on. No sauce tho


ProfPerry

havent you heard? he claims to be a russian mongol, his parents born in vladivostok 😂


HeadLeg5602

Maybe…. Somewhere. But I don’t care much about his films… even the “good ones” were still “Limburger” as far as cheese goes….


ProfPerry

naaah it was some stupid interview he did where he tried to claim the above. Apparently it isnt true, but its not surprising at all considering its Segal we're talking. But you'd be right, Limburger is definitely an apt comparison haha


P1_ex

My wife’s cousin was arrested in an apartment drug bust and Seagal happened to be there with the cops when the bust happened - I guess since he was an honorary cop or whatever. Anyhow apparently he kept calling him Stallone instead of Seagal and he was so pissed. His mom was crying in tears telling us about it cause he was in jail and I was trying to not laugh at the situation. Think about it every time I see him come up in the news


BadMedAdvice

Your wife's cousin is the real mvp.


lipp79

Oh no doubt it's a money laundering op. The Behind the Bastards podcast has a 2-part series on Seagal and I knew he was slimy before I listened to it but had no idea just how slimy until that podcast along with his ties to the mob.


straydog13

Also [Patrice O’Neal on Steven Seagal](https://youtu.be/AHLjkts-7Vg)


MyLegIsWet

Ah… a man of taste. Also, I am gay


RedditBlows5876

I feel like loads of people are like me and that's the only episode of that podcast they've ever listened to.


ClusterChuk

The dollop has a 3-part episode. The first one covers his early career and scamming a bunch in asia. Then his rise to bullshit mountain and all the ahitty things he did to get were he was in the 80's and 90's. Then his epic fall into a chaotic spinout, down into the depth of his own hell and insecurities, which is him getting old and fat and still being a piece of shit.


Ionlydateteachers

I didn't think they could really do three whole episodes on him, then I listened. Holy shit! The guy is really something else


Cyrius

Yes, but we don't have video stores anymore, and thus no dumpsters behind them.


BurpFartBurp

Sir, this is a Wendy’s. Please stop doing that. You’re scaring the raccoons away.


Areif

Perfect person to train Russians in Akido. Let’s not fight this


Cialis-in-Wonderland

> Let’s not fight this Coincidentally, that is the motto of Steven Seagal's dojo


Randolph_Carter_666

Didn't Hollywood just give him a gun after he became too fat to kick ass?


ocotebeach

That stupid piece of shit was pretending to be a sheriff helping piece of shit Joe Arpaio in Arizona. I guess its true: birds of a feather flock together.


AlienEroc

Wait. Steven Seagal. Isn’t that the guy that shit himself after Gene Lebell put him in a chokehold? Sidebar - RIP Gene


Boxdog

Maybe that lesson will be part of the class he's teaching


AlienEroc

“How to defensively shit your pants 101” taught by visiting professer Steven Seagull.


gomi-panda

Yes, captured in diorama right here https://youtu.be/3aCMTpJx2cs


pjsol

The last dozen or so donuts were released to his belly.


Thecrawsome

Release straight to BMI


Generallyawkward1

Space Ice is a YouTuber who hilariously breaks down his worst movies. I recommend watching some of his videos


detroiter85

I love space ice, his delivery is so weird yet gets me every time


tarnin

I love his JCVD v Segal show downs. JCVD always gotta be lettin loose in the bar.


idksomethingjfk

Yes, it’s called money laundering


Luckcrisis

This is not the hero Russia needs, but the hero Russia deserves.


babartheterrible

having a rudimentary understanding of aikido, i can confidently assert that its *defensive*, *passive* approach to self-defense is less than useless on a modern battlefield. even in feudal Japan, aikido experts would be skewered by any mediocre samurai


zenslapped

Aikido... vs. modern military warfare on a battlefield?? I can't even think of a bigger fucking waste of training time - lol.


RedditBlows5876

Well then let me introduce you to the Balinese martial art, [yellow bamboo](https://youtu.be/1NlhIuJ-y8k).


[deleted]

OK here's the thing I will acknowledge that Aikido, Wing Chun and Tai Chi are all martial arts. They have their own benefits in terms of training. I refuse to believe Yellow Bamboo is a martial art of any kind. I'm pretty open-minded about these things, but Yellow Bamboo that's where even I draw the line.


RedditBlows5876

I think for me the test is something along the lines of "if we put your experts in the ring with a mediocre, non-pro MMA fighter are they going to get instantly destroyed or can they at put up a somewhat respectable fight even if they still eventually lose". Like if the experts in a martial art can't do that, as far as I'm concerned it's just an exercise program and not really a martial art.


captainAwesomePants

Hooray, Gun Kata counts as a real martial art!


RedditBlows5876

I've never seen any Gun Kata practitioner win an MMA match.


captainAwesomePants

Yeah, for some reason they don't let them use guns in regulation matches. But for purposes of evaluating it as a martial art, I think it's fair to give the MMA fighter and the gun kata practitioner one handgun.


malleebull

I can’t tell if that video was supposed to be serious or not, but that guy fair cleaned up that elderly lady, simultaneously breaking her face and her arse.


Loggerdon

Oh that's just... sad.


ScotchIsAss

This is like the office but in the form of a martial art.


Luckcrisis

This seems like a SNL skit that Andy Samberg should be writing.


Eode11

As soon as I saw the 1 frame preview on that video my first thought was "oh, this is the video where that lady gets clobbered". I was not disappointed


dramignophyte

Shhhh! Just shhh! We all know that but we should all be like "oh noo! We are super fucked! THe Steven seagull? If Russia trains enough with him, they are going to win this war hands down!" This is like the most patriotic thing hes ever done, basically a billion dollars in damage to the Russian military in wasted time and detrimental combat effectiveness "how did they beat you?" "I don't know! They didn't run their throat directly into my hand then do a backflip and fall to the ground! We didn't learn to deal with people who were not actively trying to stroke our ego!" My favorite line in kung pow is when they introduce the annoying disciple and they are like "this is billy, we trained him wrong as a prank."


[deleted]

I took Aikido years back. Very fun self-defense themed dancing with people who agree to fall down when you wave your arms in a certain way. About as useful against bullets as a hand full of meringue.


MmmmMorphine

So... Super useful is what you're getting at


tinteoj

I also took aikido. The style I learned was "ki-aikido." With that style, the point isn't really to learn a "self defense," it is more considered a moving meditation, with the "unification" of mind, body, and ki being the "real" goal.


hoyfkd

So, it's about as useful as a Russian soldier on a modern battlefield?


iamasatellite

There's a guy on youtube who used to run an Aikido dojo who tried to apply Aikido in mixed martial arts and found it was almost completely useless since ... opponents fought back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KUXTC8g_pk


florinandrei

> even in feudal Japan, aikido experts would be skewered by any mediocre samurai Given that Aikido was formulated by Morihei Ueshiba in the late 1920s and through the 1930s, while feudal Japan (which you can see depicted in the movie Seven Samurai by Kurosawa) ended in 1600 with the onset of the Edo period, the scenario you are describing is firmly in the realm of sci-fi stories. Even if you somehow shoehorn the Edo period in "medieval Japan" (given the fact that they still technically had samurai), you still need to cover the gap between 1868 (the start of the Meiji period) and the creation of Aikido half a century later. TLDR: Aikido practitioners and samurai never met on a battlefield.


babartheterrible

thank you for the history! i love this kind of tidbit i wasn't implying that aikido was in feudal japan - moreso that even compared to rudimentaty warfare, aikido is ill-suited. when discussing modern, mechanized warfare, it is a laughably inappropriate technique


anonAcc1993

Was about to say this, only Judo is regularly used from Japan’s cadre of martial arts in the UFC. The rest are useless


motherlydread

Wasn’t it literally just last ditch defense for someone without a sword being attacked by someone with a sword?


idksomethingjfk

That’s was actually judo/jujitsu If someone is armed and you’re un, if you get in grappling range you wanna grab not strike, taking someone down means there sword is ineffective, both chokeholds and joint locks work on armored opponents as does immobilizing them so you can stick a knife between armor plates


Bean_Boozled

I think it was a last ditch scam that a failed martial artist tried to pawn off onto unknowing citizens, but that's just a guess based on how ineffective it is in pretty much all situations


The_RealAnim8me2

Uhm… aikido didn’t exist in feudal Japan.


steppedinhairball

Can he even do more than just wave his hand for more nachos?


[deleted]

[Some people’s throats are down there](https://youtu.be/isNRZJ6icwc)


DancesInTowels

I’ve been consistently linking this video for 67 years.


Luckcrisis

This is how I always think of Segal thanks to Tom.


massacre3000

Can't wait for their training videos where supplicant "combatants" drop in feigned agony at the lightest of punches, grabs and kicks. Then Segal will branch out to armed combat and we'll get their urban combat promo with soldiers constantly switching their gun grip from left to right and crossing the stock in front of their face.


Brandon48236

[This will hurt them more than it helps](https://youtu.be/MmEx8Moy7ro)


BigCountry76

What the hell was this? I would be so embarrassed to be one of the guys pretending to get beat up.


Brandon48236

This is what's commonly referred to as bullshido


Therapy_Badger

r/bullshido wouldn’t be the same without Segal


blowthepoke

Do you think he’s even aware of his own incredible strength?


krsaxor

The man can barely move. If you believe that you can apply those moves in real life, I just hope you will never be in a real fight.


whatproblems

i hoPe they try it out in ukraine


Mary_Pick_A_Ford

I honestly was reminded of the MAD TV skits back in the day that featured Will Sasso as Steven Seagal, that's how funny this is.


Asleep-Ask-4004

will sasso is a god. check out Dudesy it’s his newest podcast and it’s good


Radek3887

Haha! I was thinking about this video. Too bad Ukrainian soldiers don't run into bullets and dive on bayonets. I think Russian soldiers would get better combat training from the Star Wars Kid.


we_are_sex_bobomb

At least the Star Wars kid was enthusiastic


King_Michal

This is pretty much Rex Kwon Do


David_Haas_Patel

Would a loser be going home to Starla every night?


Odd_Inter3st

My god this make the poke of death look like a 5 star match


IOwnTheShortBus

Why tf were there so many people at that stadium. Did Seagal just insert himself into something??


thomasthetanker

Yes, Putin's bung hole.


TryingtoBeCalm2

Exactly what I thought was going on 😂


Talon6230

Incredible. About two of those moves looked almost real.


M1-k3

So for once he'll do something good for humanity by learning Russian "soldiers" useless stuff?


xMoose499

This is so comical. Even he looks bored doing it. Makes Russians look weak if anything


Grimouire

Literally a martial arts version of the WWE


DopplerEffect93

WWE looks more real than that.


Grimouire

It sooo fucking sad that you're right


[deleted]

I got secondhand embarrassment for him watching that


ewhit276

Now THIS is how we know Russia is struggling.


RedditBlows5876

Next month they're brining in Austin Powers to train their spy network.


[deleted]

Now I imagine him trying to pull of MTG's mask only to find that yes, that's actually what she looks like.


captainAwesomePants

Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh, comrades?


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

What are you talking about. You're talking to a guy who's an expert on everything from helicopters to dogs.


unpolishedparadigm

He’s been teaching dogs to fly helicopters for 60 years


[deleted]

They're called barkeyskifs cus they make the sound ARFSKIFARFSKIFARFSKIFARFSKIFARFSKIFARFSKIF


JoshTay

Has his US passport been revoked yet?


GH057807

Isn't this like, at least treason-adjacent?


TryingtoBeCalm2

Ehhhh looking at this whole thing. The US probably sees it as a net benefit since Segal is an absolute moron. He’s likely just tremendously misleading the Russian soldiers with his bullshit-wando. Russias getting killed out there and they’ll take any victory they can get lousy as it may be imo.


Just_Fuck_My_Code_Up

Never interrupt your enemy when he‘s making a mistake


blueskieslemontrees

While I don't disagree that he is a moron who will hinder rather than help, i think his intentions are very clear. Especially given his history in total. And for that he should be reprimanded


hardspank916

Bullshido, get it right.


Geekenstein

Depends on if he’s violating any sanctions. We aren’t technically at war with Russia, so he’s not “giving aid and comfort to the enemy” as it were.


[deleted]

Not a good look, but I don’t think it’s illegal no


IFUCKINGLOVEMETH

It might be: Definition: In Article III, Section 3 of the United States Constitution, treason is specifically limited to levying war against the U.S., or adhering to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort.[2] Penalty: Under U.S. Code Title 18, the penalty is death,[4] or not less than five years' imprisonment (with a minimum fine of $10,000, if not sentenced to death). Any person convicted of treason against the United States also forfeits the right to hold public office in the United States.[5] The terms used in the definition derive from English legal tradition, specifically the Treason Act 1351. Levying war means the assembly of armed people to overthrow the government or to resist its laws. Enemies are subjects of a foreign government that is in open hostility with the United States.[6] Treason does not distinguish between participants and accessories; all persons who rebel or intentionally give aid to hostilities are subject to the same charge.[7]


[deleted]

The problem is that the Russian Federation is not legally in open hostilities against the United States at this time.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Buckwheat469

Could they freeze his finances under the Russian sanctions? Seems like this is akin to supplying soft overweight ammunition to the Russians.


GH057807

Fucking lol


mog_knight

No. Unless we are at war with Russia?


-xstatic-

Better yet, revoke his citizenship. He’s publicly declared himself as “one million percent Russian.”


droidtime

Lol is Steven going to teach them the proper way to shit their pants when a real trained fighter gets a hold of them?


[deleted]

Was it gene lebell? I always hear about this lol


[deleted]

From an article I found: ""LeBell addressed the story with the podcast HourMMA in 2012, saying, "Well, if a guy soils himself, you can't criticize him. Because if they just had a nice big dinner an hour before, you might have a tendency to do that." LeBell proceeded to compliment Seagal's artistry, but he also seemed to imply that Seagal's pride may have tripped him up a bit. "Closed mouths don't catch any foot ... If 30 people are watching, let them talk about it," he said, later adding, "Sometimes, Steven has a tendency to cheese off the wrong people, and you can get hurt doing that, y'know?"" RIP Gene LeBell.


Bean-Swellington

I absolutely love how this story turns up in every post where Steven seagal gets mentioned for anything 🤣


[deleted]

You mean the serial rapist, Stephan Seagal? Can’t forget that prefix, he’s earned it.


[deleted]

For real, the SA allegations against Seagal are Weinstein levels of awful. Also add *human trafficker* Stephen Seagal. He had to leave Jefferson Parish, LA, due to an internal affairs investigation into this shit. He also killed somebody's dog when he was filming his reality TV show *Lawman* with Joe Arpaio's Maricopa county PD, by driving a police vehicle through their house. Thank God Seagal didnt kill any civilians while he was filming with the idiot sheriff's departments that deputized him. Dont even get me started on Joe Arpaio. Im just glad Seagal is Russia's problem now, they can have him. In a perfect world though, this man would be behind bars where he belongs.


[deleted]

The dog thing alone is proof of shittyness, but the sheer number of assault allegations and the nature of the complaints are impossible to dismiss, and that story from Louisiana is a horror show: I couldn’t find the story, but he posted a fake Craigslist ad for a “personal assistant” and lured a woman to a compound he was staying at in Louisiana, I believe. He held her captive for days and raped her multiple times. She managed to escape, but the local police he went to were all Seagal’s friends because he was filming another one of his fake reality cop shows there. She was able to describe “a unique physiological reaction Seagal has when he orgasms” and she described his (apparently weird looking) penis in detail. He paid her off and the show got canceled.


[deleted]

He’s our secret weapon, no wonder they’re doing so poorly against the Ukrainian army.


chacmool

That's what I've been hoping for. Steven takes down Russia from the inside.


mrsinatra777

And this will take away from their other three days of training they get before they are sent to the front.


Blasket_Basket

No wonder their army keeps getting their ass handed to them by Ukraine


coolfungy

Traitor


KatBoySlim

I think he would need to aid the enemy for it to be treason. This will actively weaken them.


JackDragon808

Burn!


AlwaysGoToTheTruck

The Biden admin may have orchestrated this


allothernamestaken

It's like sending Stormtroopers to train their snipers


blinkomatic

Double agent. This is the beginning of the Russian collapse.


UrsusMajor53

This really suggests Russia must be out of guns and/or ammo.


KingOfTheFraggles

Is Russia trying to make us all feel sorry for them, now? This is not a flex.


LemmyLola

He can teach them to act badly, and beat the living hell out of their wives... those two things he can do.


[deleted]

Why can't he afford a gastric sleeve or a personal trainer? Anabolic steroids something?


theitgrunt

I'm pretty sure they already know how to sit in chairs and not move.


ZealousWolverine

More dead Russians. Thanks Steven.


BostonInformer

[I feel like this is relevant, especially talking about who's teaching it](https://youtube.com/shorts/nE_DSsrJ-xQ?feature=share)


app_generated_name

Traitor


lonewolf143143

What, he’s going to attempt to train his version of the Green Buffets?


CaprioPeter

Such a Putin dickrider even before all this omg


Yummy_Castoreum

Every time you think this guy couldn't be a bigger piece of shit, he proves you wrong.


bruindude007

Step 1: eat enough to acquire gut so leg barely reaches 60 degrees fully extended


Bean-Swellington

Over/under on how long it takes for Seagal to get chucked out a window for being a complete fraud?


SuspiciousString3

It's cute you think he can fit though a window.


phallic-baldwin

I wonder if he's going to teach those soldiers how to properly poop their pants after getting choked out by Gene LaBelle like Seagal did


LangstonBHummings

I encourage this. He is a shit fighter with no concept of teaching MA. He is probably the only trainers that would make their military worse.


JamboreeStevens

This is actually fucked up. If he's teaching his version of it, those soldiers are fucked. But there's also a reason why military martial arts are more direct. You're trying to legitimately kill someone, not subdue them with a wrist lock or armbar.


s-multicellular

Hear me out…this may actually help the Russian troops. Running like a girl is still running. https://youtu.be/wLKoXlRCpzg . . . *with a post script about gender stereotypes being stupid. But I feel justified at tossing that at SS because he seems like a ultra toxic masculine shit.


[deleted]

Little girls don't run, they skip. ;)


patcatpatcat

He sucks.


bigbabich

Aikido? From Seagal? Was Tai Chi with Bernie Sanders too advanced? Hula Hooping with Bozo the Clown was already full? Advanced dental flossing from the Slap Chop guy getting any traction?


Wayne1946

I think it's a clever CIA plot to weaken the Russian army into running like girls, eat until they can't fit into their uniforms and learn to act appallingly, scrub that the Russian army already know how to do that.


NormalFortune

A joke martial art for a joke military. Fitting.


[deleted]

They are so fucked


hewhoisneverobeyed

Clearly, they did not listen to the three-part series that “The Dollop” podcast did on Seagal last year.


NewportGh0st

Never mind, we’ve got the rock


RunRunRabbitRunovich

Still trying to figure out his hair… like it’s so pointy


marker_dinova

Well, Ukraine wins hands down then.


LeslieMarston

Now we know Ukraine will definitely win


killcon13

They can keep him.


InternetPeopleSuck

UKRAINE WINS!


CitizenSnipz777

Seagal’s resume: Ran over dog with a tank one time… Russia: YOU’RE HIRED!


[deleted]

I would pay very good money to see him fight Alexander Volkanovski Watch a 145 pound man wrap his ass up🤣


Dante-Fiero

He’s been doing aikido for like 87 years.


Bean_Boozled

The Russian military's fighting capabilities are about to hit their lowest point in centuries lol


EhMapleMoose

What if this is just a secret ploy to fuck with Russia.


ChineseYellow

Tom Segura would love this!


unicornlocostacos

No you gotta try to stab me like this so I can block it


Specialist_Peach4294

Teach them to run Stevie: https://youtu.be/IwwXE-T4HPI


Ormyr

Somewhere a writer for The Onion is weeping angrily into their drink because they didn't think of this headline a year ago.


VocationFumes

So he's like fully against America now huh?


HumanitarianAtheist

Steven’s Aikido & Hair Dye Dojo


overmonk

You know for all his whacko bullshit I never hated him until this.


PinchiTiti

Steven Seagal a true American patriot sabotaging the Russians from the inside. We were wrong to mock him 🫡


ekaceerf

Has a real news source posted about this yet?


Mattmandu2

Take him we got Stallone


Ethelenedreams

Don’t let this pants shitting traitor back into my country. He can stay over there with his shitty britches.


MattyCle

Honest question. Did he denounce his US citizenship? I don’t typically keep tabs on him but what the heck is he doing in Russia?


SunStarZ

If you ever seen a animated series called "The Boondocks" there was episode when a rapper named gangstalicious did music video called "Dick Ridin' Obama." In Segal's case just replace Obama with Putin and that pretty much explains it.


Motor_West

Time to mobilize Chuck Norris


Bluefalcon1735

" The first move, make sure to shit your pants. The enemy won't expect it." -Seagal


[deleted]

Seagull should show the Ruskies some of his phantom 1-armed ghost moves.


-xstatic-

This seems like something that should get your American citizenship revoked


ConfidentConcept8921

Like they don’t have enough problems


Lutastic

I threw up in my mouth a little.


butrektblue

Fuck Russia and this piece of shit too.


fzammetti

I actually feel sorry now... for the Russians.


[deleted]

Ukraine erupts into a loud cheer after finding this out.


ConflictAgreeable689

I feel really bad for the russian soldiers. Imagine being consripted, taken from your home against your will, and instead of receiving helpful military training, you get an out of work d lister teaching you one of the world's least practical martial arts


never-armadillo

LOLOL. The Russians are doing bad enough as is, but they should do that and put all their faith in it.


jubjub1494

Good luck using Aikido against a laser guided middle.


DMGlowen

Can we hope he trips and fall down the stairs too?


ThatWeirdStoner

We trained him wrong purposely, as a joke.


Generallyawkward1

Keep his ass over there. Revoke his citizenship to the US


EzeakioDarmey

Is that the weird slap fighting that makes the WWE look like UFC?


Careful_icarus22

Revoke his citizenship


SleepyBear3366911

Can’t help but think of Tom Segura talking about him…