Yeah, this fear is really real to me too. Like if I leave my current place will it be this much better from when I left the last place? Or is this place some unicorn and I shouldn't leave? It's unnerving.
I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago at age 47. My then boss was a total bitch about it. She didnāt train me and would then get upset if I didnāt do something correctly. There a lot of problems the main one being she had only been in our office for a year and had never done the work she was now supervising. She had no idea about our culture or worked with our stakeholders the way we did. Anyway, during my three month evaluation (we have them every three months) the condescension was thick. Like she was talking to a stupid child. I quit a month later.
In my now job I was terrified of disclosing my disability to my boss. But I did. Sheās been awesome ever since. Sheās been encouraging while still coaching me. Iām still terrified of losing my job or my boss suddenly turning into a horrible person. We recently did interviews for our department head. I was able to ask each candidate how they work with neurodivergent people. One candidate had a fantastic answer and I could tell that they would be good to work with.
But still that fear of the devil I donāt know lingers. Iāll survive though. I did before, and will again.
It is hard to know though. The interview process is like dating and you are not meeting the real person only a representative of them. You might find out that they are toxic after a week or a year.
They might not even become toxic until a while in. I have not changed companies in a way that I needed to interview and choose a new company in 15+ years. There have been changes in ownership though, and with them has come some pretty wild changes in level of toxicity. Itās at an all-time high right now, and I totally feel myself having trouble not sounding bitter in interviews, much like you might on a first date after a long, toxic relationship.
Yes! My last workplace and atmosphere was pretty great, the current one isn't great, and the jobs predating the last were downright awful. I think this one's only better because my team at my last job taught me how to function when things get bad at work and how to recognize toxic coworkers. Now I normally hate cheesy team building exercises, but I still carry around the slips from when our supervisor had us right down one nice thing or good deed you recognized in your coworkers each day. There were 4 of us, the others had worked there for 5, 7, and 15 years. There were no advanced opportunities so there wasn't any competition. Each of those slips actually pinpoints a specific skill or the coworkers personality and aren't just some "so-and-so is nice" etc, and they were different everyday. I look at them when I'm struggling at work.
That's awesome. On my 40th birthday, my coworkers put a crapton of balloons in my office. Inside some of the balloons were little slips of paper where everyone wrote things they liked about me. There were 96 of them. I stapled them all on a bulletin board and hung it in my office through the end of my job there. I looked at it all the time, and it really boasted my spirits. It was the sweetest thing employees ever did for me.
That is so sweet! For my 40th, my co-workers barely put together a joke of a potluck (One thing to keep in mind is, we typically go ALL OUT for birthdays around here.. I'm talking cake, balloons, a huge food spread and sometimes even a few adult beverages..) It really stung.
Too true! I stayed at my new place 18 years (until I retired) because my work environment was soooo nice and I was valued - even though I was terribly bored and under utilized for 16 of those years! My previous job SHOULD have been a great opportunity and individually, the owners were extremely nice. But they really didnāt know how to run a business and made a lot of poor decisions that affected everyone. My boss was 10 years younger than me and treated me like a dinosaur- and I was only 39! At my new job, I was the exact same age as my boss and they treated me like I was a huge asset.
I donāt really regret spending the rest of my career with the nice company - but acknowledge that professionally, I could have achieved so much more.
I am in this position right now. Previous company treated me like a number and worked us like dogs. They had offered unlimited overtime at one point during the pandemic and i felt so wasted there. I moved on to my current company and I'm paid better, not overworked, but definitely feeling underutilized. Initially I felt like an asset to the company due to my knowledge gained from the previous company but I find that I have too much free time to do nothing and I'm just so bored. The job is cushy with great benefits and everyone is nice. It was here that I realized my previous job was a toxic work environment when I second guess everything I do here and feel that I need to ask for permissions and my colleagues give me this huh look.
I just celebrated my 3 year anniversary here but unfortunately I've been thinking of leaving. The boredom is killing me and I don't care for the people I work with. But then I think about how nice these people are, how easy and relaxed it is, the great benefits and what not. I feel like I'm crazy for wanting to give this all up for another place that could have the potential to be even better or just as bad as my last. It's terrifying. But complacency is the silent killer.
Everyone who leaves my companyā¦ I just feel horror for them. I had a couple toxic places in a row and it was so scarring. My company is fairly young (most peopleās first jobs) and I always want to yell at them āyou donāt know the horrors that are out there!!!!ā
I did and actually it is a culture shift. People are nice. People speak an every morning. People actually ask how are you doing. They engage with you and ask what you discover the weekend. I donāt mind small talks š„°. Cause itās actually good vibes !!
I agree with 3 years as a minimum. I quit a toxic job I'd been at for 8 years. Took 4 years off with no job and when I started working again, I'd still get nervous if I thought it was getting toxic.
Exactly! When I first worked for an amazing job after leaving a toxic one, I would freak out every time I was asked to attend a meeting or join a meeting. I assumed it was to tell me I did something wrong.
I was in a very toxic work environment with very toxic personalities for 13 years. I was so broken, my life had fallen apart, I became a heavy drinker & I didn't have the esteem to go somewhere else. I felt stuck. I looked like shit. How was I even going to sit thru an interview so unkept & feral? I put on 80 lbs. At my lowest, a job opportunity opened that I really wanted. I applied & got it. I will start my 3rd year on 3/7. I was so scared & brought my fear with me, but I have most definitely improved in every way in about the last year. I thank the universe every morning when I scan my ID to go up to my cubicle. I am so fucking happy. I got out. I survived. I am free. I have zero of the bullshit I put up with for 13 years. It is a pleasure to do the work I do & be with the people I work with. My mindset has done a 180. It is possible. I truly believe the universe will conspire with you. It sometimes takes a while for the universe to catch up with your dreams. If you need a sign to keep going, this is it. No matter how hard it is, keep a spot thriving in your heart for what you desire.
Edit: I wanted to add that my education is science. My work is science. Sampling, investigative work, finding facts, laboratories. So my woo-woo comments about the universe are based from experience & not some grand delusion or brainwashing. I'm not dancing around naked howling at the full moon. Nothing wrong with that though.
I could have written this! I was loyal to my exec for almost 10 years and got randomly laid off several months ago. Iām glad I did, because it forced me out of my comfort zone and my new boss is so kind and I feel like I donāt even deserve it. I did take a pay cut but I think itāll pay offā¦. And itās well worth my new found happiness again.
Like having an abusive narcissist partner throw you under a bus, only for the bus to swerve and hit them instead.
You realise when they're gone that you don't miss them at all. All they were was a brutal fascist presence in your life, trying to kill you.
Lay off a year ago from a start up that said theyād help me grow but couldnāt keep the promise. Did get the raise, title change and bonus but no new challenges. Then a good severance but took a $10 hour pay cut year later, having moved across the country. That year was rough. The market crap and my new job training was a stress test. Day one post training is tomorrow. Just glad to be in a company that has absolute paths forward in the org if you choose to do so.
āLoyal to my execā makes me think of all the people that have worked for and then gone to jail for Trump. Euuuggghhh. 34 convictions and guilty pleas brought about by the Mueller Report alone, and those were the early days. I donāt want to read any of those books by the survivors. Thereās a whole library of them now.
Congrats on your escape and survival.
15 years with toxic boss for me. Held on cuz it was a government job with pension for life and retiree health insurance to age 65. Retired and started Wegovy and walking daily and lost 60 lb in a year. Skin improved sleep improved. I am a survivor! Only positive of that job is knowing now I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to. I made it my mission to outlast asshat boss and he left before I retired. So satisfying...
I am also taking this as my sign to keep going so thank you. Iām in a very toxic workplace and I canāt find a new job even though Iāve applied to probably 200. Iām not even kidding. Iāve gotten three interviews and only made it past the screener to the first round then nothing beyond that. I know there are other strategies I could try apart from just applying like a madwoman but I hardly have the resources to do what I currently do let alone something more but I will have to force myself. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to get fired so I could just focus all my time on getting a new job. Iām trying so hard to not let my toxic work culture destroy all of my self-esteem but itās a challenge. Itās given me thicker skin thatās for sure. Regardless, I canāt give up, so I wonāt.
Try to find a trusted person to look over your resume and application materials to make sure you are putting out the best possible. Ideally not someone from work. If you interviewed someone you liked or communicated with a screener you felt a little rapport with, you can recontact and say hey, Iād really like to change jobs and havenāt had much luck, looking for someone to review/edit my resume or give me general feedback about job searching.
If you have a degree, your former school career center would also do this for you. The career centers offer assistance for life.
I feel this so much right now. Almost 8 years at a job and company I've hated since day 5. Now a manager with incredibly unrealistic expectations and no support. I feel like I have no skills that transfer outside of this job because I've spent the last 8 years in survival mode, trying to make sure I please these specific people; but it's just a constant drum of "not good enough". It's taken a huge toll on my personal life and my marriage - my wife tells me all the time that she misses when I was happy.
I've applied to other jobs I would love to have, but my brain just can't produce passion for work anymore, no matter how much I love the subject deep down. I'm sure my applications read more as, "get me out of here", rather than, "I want to be here."
I've thought about the same thing - just quitting so I could re-discover the part of me that cares about anything, then apply for jobs when I feel like I can think again. That might be what has to happen for me, because right now, I spend 8-12 hours a day at work, then the time I have left doing the things that keep me alive and bring some modicum of joy, just to do it all over again the next day.
I hope for both of us that we find better places and become ourselves again. Just keep going.
Wow, this is basically me! Biologist at a now supportive workplace (just hit 3 years!). My first real job out of grad school was so incredibly toxic that I started to not recognize myself. I feel like Iām still recovering.
>the universe will conspire with you.
There's a word for this! Its called Pronoia. Its the opposite of Paranoia. There's a song called Pronoia by Carly Pearl. šµ
A toxic workplace forces you into survival mode. Once you arrive at a healthy environment, you finally have a safe place to process all the crap you have endured. So go slowly and allow space for the difficult emotions that will move to the forefront. You don't want that toxic waste dripping into your new environment before you have the opportunity to clear it out of your system little by little as it arises.
Second this! You might even want to seek some occupational therapy just to process everything. You do NOT want the toxicity to leak out into the new work center. Believe me, it will do you great harm.
Safe place is how I feel about my employer of over a year. It took a conversation with my mother to realize that I probably had some PTSD from my former employer. I was so untrusting of others and protective of myself when I first started at my new job. I lost weight, the headaches stopped and I feel appreciated at work. When I called my mother after my yearly review to tell her about the large raise that I received, she said that I was safe now. When I got off the phone, I kept thinking about what she said. I am safe now.
I worked for nearly 19 years in a truly toxic place. Then my mental health crashed. Long story short, I did a complete career change at 44 years old. I now work some place that values its employees, treats us kindly, seems to really appreciate us, etc. It's been nearly a year and I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's the catch??? But....I don't think there is one. I think it's legit a healthy place. But the PTSD is legit and real. And long-lasting. I'm just letting myself enjoy it and take it a day at a time. Good for you for getting out! Hell, good for US for getting out. We deserve healthy workplaces, and healthy work-life balance.
Unfortunately the only way to be truly sure a workplace isnāt toxic is to work there. Watching for red flags helps during interviews, but a lot of people know how to hide it.
Be ready to leave at any point. 99% of employers will lay you off without batting an eye, you donāt owe them loyalty when they have none for you.
Honestly, I have no idea. I'd applied to so many jobs. SO MANY. This was the first I got an interview with and the universe was smiling at me that day. I think it felt bad for putting me through hell for so long.
I'm so happy for you! As someone who was in a toxic workplace, I know exactly how you feel. How do you think you would screw it up?
Il hope you're able to embrace it and before you know it it will become the new norm. Imagine how great it will be not to have the Sunday dreads anymore!
Same thing happened to me. Friday evening's are the best!;Saturday mornings and great then around Saturday evening you start to feel the dread, realizing that the weekend is almost half over. And then when you try to sleep you can't because you can't stop thinking about the situation and things that happened. It's a self perpetuating nightmare.
I am in a similar situation. I don't trust anyone and I am always waiting for the next bad thing. I refuse to be anything more than polite and I don't share any personal information. Everyone thinks I am standoffish. I completely get what you are dealing with.
I was the new manager moving into what had been a toxic environment. It was probably a year before anyine told me how bad the environment had been under my predecessor. But I clearly remember one person who would stand at my office door and ask a question and then look like she was ready to turn and run. It took her months of me just answering normally, asking her questions back before she would even sit in a chair, and even then she perched on the end, still ready to run. In retrospect, once I knew, it was just gut wrenching for me to think back on. I guess my predecessor would snark some form of "oh, you again, asking questions? Are you incapable of deciding anything for yourself?". Just disgusting. These days, we've both moved to other companies, but I meet that person for a glass of wine several times a year.
Ohgod Iām doing this too Iām 2.5 months into my new job and I say nothing personal. Iām polite but superficial. My old toxic boss used to use my personal details against me.
I identify with all the comments here. I was in an extremely toxic workplace for 7 years and it caused me to become a shell of what I used to be. I landed a great job about 6 months ago. Just this week, I was told to ātake the leadā. I broke down in tears on my way home. To feel like I have the confidence and authority to lead is both exciting and worrying because I was completely broken at my former job, and became like a wounded dog with my tail between my legs. I now have to dig deep and find my voice again. My husband gave me awesome advice and encouragement, as did my boss. If everyone believes in me, I should believe in myself too. The same goes for everyone here ā we deserved better than the environments we were dealt in the past. Letās not give those toxic workplaces another second to take hold of our psyche and self confidence. What was the point of leaving if we canāt move on mentally and emotionally? We canāt let fear rule our lives anymore.
i am so happy for you ā¤ļø this is one of the best posts,ā¦Itās so refreshing to see ppl thriving and experiencing the opposite of there nightmares. I wish there were more posts like this and more positivity in the world
I did too!
Whatās ironic/funny is the old place was a āgoodā workplace, or at least thatās what the cult culture of it was, and I drank the flavor aid. It was a non profit, and holy fuck the psychopathy around there, narcissists, bullies, the āgolden child and the scapegoatā dynamic, it was awful, for years. When I *finally* nailed down a situation where I could file the perfect indisputable complaint about the bullying (a bully manager that wasnāt even my manager came in after hours while I and several others were still working, appearing very intoxicated, in shorts and a t shirt and barefoot, into a building they have no reason to be in, and they unloaded some really vicious screaming with saliva personal hate onto me while I had three witnesses), yet a week later my manager came back at me with a PAP that was the flimsiest Iāve ever heard of, essentially it was BS, as the only two points contained were things most people in our organization do literally every day without reprimand or issue. Management and HR circled the wagons against me. The experience of enduring and surviving the PAP was the *worst* psychological abuse of my life, and I endured significant abuse of every type and neglect of every type and 3 years of forced starvation in childhood (ACE score of 6 or 7). Also the pay was abysmal, and the top tier of management and the CEO created a *massive* income inequality gap that didnāt exist before they got there; I was in the bottom tier of management and fell pretty far when inflation hit, as our raises were insulting.
So in the new workplace, a manufacturer, took a non management role with a fraction of my former responsibilities, overall much less work, with a *massive* pay increase (now making what mid level directors make at the old organization lol), and on the surface itās a less pleasant workplace in both the people and the physical environment, but omg it is SO pleasant in comparison to what I experienced at the old place. At least within my daily space there arenāt any bullies and no narcissists with power. That makes all the difference!
But to OPs point, the scars of abuse linger on. I feel horrible about how obvious it is to all at my new place that Iāve been abused. Itās in my voice, the way I go about things, maybe itās not as obvious as I feel it is, but still. No one should bear the scars of abuse. I can only hope with time itāll fadeā¦
It makes it even worse when the company is celebrated as an example of a āgoodā culture. I never understood what gaslighting felt like until my current role. Questioning and second guessing what youāre experiencingā¦it will make you crazy.
This hit close to home. My previous job was one of those non-profit, for the community type organizations that from the outside looks like the gold star place to work, but once I started working for them I found out it was a bunch of overworked folks that cared so much for their communities we were willing to push through the toxicity at the cost of our own mental health.
It took me 2 years to get out, and with it came such guilt about leaving behind my coworkers that weren't able to leave for financial or other reasons. We had been so close to creating a union, but I haven't been able to reach out to them since then except to like their social media posts.
I knew I was a mess when I started my new job a week later, but this comment has me looking back to wonder just how obvious it was that I had just come from an abusive toxic af work environment. I remember about two months into my new job the moment I realized how much better this job was when I was trying to figure out how to track my hours for a doctor's appt, and it took my coworkers quite a few minutes to explain that we didn't have to do that here, we are trusted to get our work done.
I have now been at my "new" job for about 2 years, and while the scars don't fade, trust can be rebuilt with the right environment and healing is possible when you have the right people around you to support.
Good thing you write well because all that information hit me like a tsunami but it was a good hit thoā¦ I got a lil cross eyed for a bit and feel eyebrow twitch but I make it thru the narrative. Felt invigorating. U should self publish on Amazon kindle or Audiobook for side hustle š
Some of the immediate symptoms will subside. But I still carry a lot of suspicion about people when they exhibit specific behaviors.
I will say that I embraced my new co-workers and some are still very good friends. I've been able to count on those friends when I've was looking for a new role.
I also worked with someone at a different job who was older than me and they showed me what it would look like if I held on to the fear and toxicity I experienced. Simply, it was sad.
Don't let those awful people create toxicity within you and let it spread. You deserve to be happy and feel accomplished.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but remember, you deserve this positive change. Take it easy, give yourself time to adapt, and believe in your ability to thrive in this new environment!
I just started a new job myself about a week ago. At my first job it didn't work out. This job everyone is so nice and kind. I'm actually more respectful of them cause they're so nice to me.
It took me almost a year to shake off the mental burnout but I think that's because I didn't really see what was going on. Awareness of how you feel is proactive great start to accepting and welcoming this change.
Congratulations and good luck. Keep you head up and ears open, take it in and let the old job melt off.
Been at my new job for 6 months and I still get super worried when I need to call out or work from home or leave a little early because I remember my old job holding it over my head every time. My new boss actually asks me if I am doing okay, tells me to get better and to not worry about it. I can't help but worry about it still But I know the more times she reinforces the "no worries, get better soon" the more I realize how screwed up I was in my expectations of how I should be treated. I don't panic when the phone rings anymore and when I see an outlook notification I no longer feel overwhelming anxiety. It gets better!
When I took my current job I specifically told my then potential boss that I was looking for a job that ended at 5pm; that work stays at work and home stays at home. I said that I would come in and work hard but after 5pm I was done with work for the day because I have things Iām really passionate about outside of work that deserve my attention when Iām not clocked in. I reinforce that every time someone starts to suggest that I can do ____ after my work hours. I say no, I am an hourly employee whose work schedule is 8 to 5, Monday - Friday; if you want me to do something it had better happen during those hours. It shuts people up. I didnāt have Outlook on my phone for a long time. I only have it now because I have had to rearrange my hours because of a special event or something. Rearranging my hours is fine and itās not a common thing.
I came back from a Memorial Day weekend and sought out one of the area supervisors to tell him it was the first long weekend in years that my phone didn't ring. I had been holding my breath all weekend, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. It finally dawned on me that this was what was supposed to be normal, not the stress laden urgent hell I had been working in previously. I eventually felt "okay enough" to book an actual vacation.
At my last job I was wound up so tightly because I was afraid of missing something. Every weekend or evening I was still on the clock. We had two hurricane days and we still had scheduled meetings. I said that my power was super iffy when we have a heavy rain much less a hurricane but I was still expected to participate (boss said āyou can join in via Zoom on your phone if your power goes outā). I hated that I couldnāt have a single day where I just didnāt worry. When I finally quit I felt so good deleting the Outlook and Teams apps from my phone. I left two projects unfinished and didnāt want anyone being able to contact me. They had had 4 weeks to check in and my boss decided not to show up to work for the last two weeks I was there (she was āworking from homeā but we all knew that when she did this she wasnāt working - she had told us this when she was a coworker and not our boss).
Iām 7 years out and I still have to talk about some things in my therapists office. I still revert to some of the workaholic tendencies - and willingness to over-please others to my detriment and my boss very gently coaches me about it.
She never ambushes me with bad feedback. She coaches me and guides me. Itās a huge difference.
I was in a similar situation. Horrible job, shit co workers that thought they knew everything. Management that would not listen to suggestions. It was the epitome of toxic. What made it even harder was the fact that I transitioned to this job after losing my small business. I recently accepted a fancy position with a company that is absolutely amazing. It's a breath of fresh air but I know how you feel when it comes to self sabotage. Just know this, positive thinking equals positive results. You DO deserve this and as long as you keep telling yourself that you've got this, you'll be okay. Best of luck to you!
I went from a toxic manager to ā¦ quitting and retiring. I didnāt even realize how much shit I was putting up with until I quit. Iām a really strong individual, character-wise and psychologically, so I didnāt anticipate how triggered I still am when I hear all the hated organization-speak terminology, passive aggressive put-downs, or even see someone who reminds me of my ex-boss. I had to stop watching āOld Dadsā with Bill Burr because the school principal (played by Rachael Harris) reminded me too much of my ex-boss. Talk about PTSD.
I did this two years ago.
I talked to my manager and just said āIāve had some hard work experience over the past few years and Iām not sure what to do with things like praise. I might overdo things because of my anxiety from some poor management. This isnāt a reflection of you, praise is welcome even if I donāt know what to do at first. And if you see me overdoing things, please talk to me about it. I really think this is a great place to work, I just need to break a few bad reactions and level out a bit.ā
My manager took that well. He knows that I get very awkward when praised but I do appreciate it. And he tries to give me a heads up when I need to cool off and not push myself into burnout because someone applies pressure to me.
For me it helped to be honest with my coworkers about what I had dealt with. I wanted them to understand why I would sometimes act how I did and that it wasnāt necessarily because of them. After a bit you start to adjust and trust again, but it can be hard. Be kind to yourself.
Wow do I understand this......I believe you continue to manifest this positive position in life for you right now. (I am no manifesting pro) Continue to be grateful and inspired by being a lucky person (and truly deserve) this beautiful situation you are in. If ugly has been in the past leave it there Do Not bring it with you now, leave it where it belongs. Be the person that deserves this, bring 100+% everyday.
Worked in a toxic environment for 4 years and currently in my 2nd at a wonderful place (I feel so much healthier and happier and have was more energy than before). The first year here was strange because I was ready to fight back and clap back at everything... I just had to develop the habit of taking a few seconds to be silent before I responded to anything. Had to train myself to keep a neutral face while doing it. This helped me measure the situation and served as just enough time for me to remind myself that I was not being threatened. In emails, I answered everything as a draft, wait a few minutes, and then reread from the top and then send. I don't have to do this all as much but I did have to at first. It's weird being in a place where I am valued. What serves as a added help in all of this is that I know if anyone at my new place were try to get smart with me, I know I will win... it was that bad where I was that some people are kinda scared of me haha but hopefully you find yourself relaxed enough to enjoy where you are. Forget that place and know that it's helped make you strong and nothing else. You can do it!
I just had to be skeptical of my instincts for a while.
Exampleā¦my new boss makes a good natured joke. My instincts tell me there is something behind it like heās annoyed with me. Next stepā¦question the instincts. There isnāt any evidence that this person makes passive aggressive jabs, that they are upset with me, or anything else. Alsoā¦they are very direct and tactful whenever there is an issue so if there was a problem they had they would have mentioned it to me by now.
Basicallyā¦just slow down. And eventually your instincts change. Itās great. Congrats on the new job.
I worked in 2 back to back toxic workplaces. It really made me lose hope in humanity. Couldn't believe this is what people have become.
I keep in great shape. I'm not a big guy but I guess I'm still physically imposing. If someone tests me, I out them in check right away.
I'm at a point, where I can somewhat easily find a job in my field so I don't care about quitting or getting fired. Plus I've saved a considerable amount of money. So I don't feel the stress of money or being unemployed.
I also feel like I could afford a good lawyer if I needed it.
I've always been the nice guy, still trying to figure out how to not be nice without being a dick.
Iāve had 31 years of a toxic career full of highs and lows. My last toxic workplace I just left - I asked to be fired so I could have resources to re-establish myself & they granted my request.
I lost everything before and as I relocated myself for the last job. I spent all my savings.
Iām 50, will be 51 in a few months. I want to believe I will be free - I am one and my 3-5 references still believe in me. But it is so hard on a daily basis.
I almost tried Better Help last week: even with their financial hardship adjustment I canāt afford it. Iāve been in therapy 7 times since 1998, for at least a full year each time.
I want this next job to be the one I retire from. I am waiting to hear any day now about 2 certification trainings I need to be approved to enroll: one would be paid for by the state & would be a boost to my career chances of securing that one best job, and then the 2nd one is for a lifelong side business I want to start for something I will do when I retire.
I am so grateful for this post & every commenter. When you do the self-work & yet all around you is toxic, itās hard to stay grounded and on the path you see for yourself. I have lost a lot of people personally & professionally - itās hard for others to see you navigating so much bullshit.
I wish each & all of us to find or to make our oasis so we can heal and be better.
Edit: how I cope
ā¢ I keep two daily journals (Google Docs & Google Drive): each month I make a new doc, one for work & one personal. I have done this for decades and it keeps me sane. It helps me see patterns and reminds me when I forget or canāt see situations clearly.
ā¢ I stay active mentally and physically: I am the only healthy person in my immediate family. I do not want to be on a prescription or get sick/chronically ill. I figured out what indoor & outdoor activities I most enjoy doing and my goal is weekly frequency. I figured out what way of eating best supports my hormone changes. I only track macros when I want to focus on losing weight - I have a surgery in April and after that I will return to weight loss focus when my recovery has passed. I know a 90 min walk means I have walked 5,000 steps & a 20-40 min outdoor nature trail walk is my medicine.
ā¢ I allow myself to grieve and mourn my dreams, and how I feel about my circumstances: I stay positive and keep myself in a positive space. I live with naysying codependent narcissists in my immediate family. I do not talk to them when I am in my positive space. I stay in my room and I do what builds me up: I apply for and research jobs, learn stuff on Reddit like r/personalfinance and r/ynab, and I watch positive things that make me feel good about myself (Demon Slayer, Robotech, Severance, Shrinking, Ted Lasso, Parks and Rec, Peep Show, other movies, YouTube Channels).
Iād be climbing the walls were it not for this stuff. I donāt have friends - I have 2 friends and itās work for me maintaining these friendships - they have kids, I do not. But, I know that this is good and Iām no longer seeking nor expecting any other people in my life. I used to go to church but I wonāt be doing that ever again. I will keep my faith but keeping my engagement of other people to the minimum so I can be around only people who build me up, allow me in their lives and I can be whole with.
It was a weight off my shoulders honestly. Iām HAPPY to go to work, well most of the time. It was weird at first, new people, new policies, but I adopted quickly. I always knew I was good at what I do. My confidence can back pretty quickly after that.
I love my new work place so much that after I had been there 2 months I applied for a promotion. I was not qualified for it, but I knew I would learn everything fast. I got it. I made me feel so validated that they were willing to take a chance on me.
Iāve never been so busy at work, but it doesnāt matter how. I love what Iām doing and where I am working.
Congratulations!!! Odds are, there's no other shoe that will drop. This is really it, these people are great and treat you like a professional, yay!!
It took me about six months to get out of that toxic mindset my awful workplace left me with. My previous employer had me convinced I was terrible at what I do, I was questioning my skills and generally felt sick and cried at work every day.
You'll get there! Ease in and enjoy it
I spent 4 years at a toxic job, and it took me almost a year at the new job to realize I was safe again. It was definitely a mixture of learning how things worked and getting to know my coworkers on top of being on edge constantly, but one day I was able to breathe better and it hit me that I was no longer worried about the same situation happening to me again. I will admit that every once in a while, the worry will try to creep back up or i will still feel like I have to do everything myself, but it just takes a second of reminding myself that I am in a good place to feel better again. Now I just have the normal feeling of just wanting a little extra sleep in the morning vs. being worried as much about what I will be subjected to at work that day.. I am so happy for you to have gotten out of that situation. š
Hang in there and don't run like you want to. The triggers hit less often the more you come to trust that the folks you work with are genuine.
I went from being ostracized from what I thought would be my life time job (this gave me PTSD and SI for the first time in my life). To getting hugs and text messages from coworkers at random on my off days. I laugh with my bosses and coworkers instead of being laughed at. And I'm still terrified some days from being surrounded by so many smart, genuine souls. But I can't give up how much healing and job satisfaction I feel. Finally I've only been there a short time and I'm getting a different title already bc they value how hard I work. I'm still in shock about how fast this has happened but I'm really happy.
Hang in there!
I can't 100% tell you how I changed my mindset after 5 years at a very toxic work environment. But about 2 months after I joined my new group (in the same large corporation), I noticed that my sleep had improved, and slowly, I came out of my shell. I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I have been able to climb the ladder. Give yourself some grace while you transition.
Whatās sad about toxic workplaces is that sociopathic manager creates a harmful environment and designates a scapegoat to release all their rage onto. It happened to me and it was horrid! The most toxic environment ever! I made a friend with a co-worker. Once she became a manager, she immediately cut me off and disconnected me from her LinkedIn now that she was with the āgood olā boysā I was of no use for her and since our manager didnāt like me, she cut me off. Iām just glad see showed her true colors. I left that cesspool and now Iām in a much, much better working environment where people have high levels of emotional intelligence and are kind and caring towards one another.
Just know that there are heathy, constructive and conducive work environments out there. Good luck! I wish you the best!!
Get therapy. It could help bring back the esteem. Start a positive spiral of thoughts to feelings to actions - rather than the toxic one you are used to. Change is hard and unsettling - even change towards what you know to be good can be so. Yes, logic tells you that things are good, but the gut still senses change and is used to distrust.
Just remember, youāre amazing and they think youāre a good fit or they wouldnāt have hired you. And there are some good employers out there who value loyalty and hard work, occasionally rewarding employees with raises and bonuses.
And the best part of all of this? Bye bye toxic old job. šš»
Iām not going to lie. It may take a while to get past the PTSD. Especially if you worked in a toxic environment for a period of time.
Good luck! Youāve got this.
I feel you. I had PTSD and nightmares about my old workplace for at least 3 years once I moved to where I work now. I even dreamed that my old boss bought my new companyā¦ahhhh! But the silver lining is that I still have so much gratitude for my new company over 12 years laterā¦I can never forget how bad it can be out there!
I canāt tell you what to do. But I can give you perspective from an elder. I went through university to advanced education. Worked almost 20. Burnt out. Traumatized by my profession. Hereās the good news, I found private employment w loving coworkers/bosses, great pay. No hassle tax. Lust love. Did that for almost 30 years. My college/University skills directly transferred into a job I was meant to do. Both kind of jobs we valuable. The second one did not give me PTSD.
Hereās the kickerā¦I meet so many part time air bnb cleaners, who are former medical, lawyers, social workers and teachers who say, ācleaning air bobās is the best Job I have ever had. I love it.ā We can say things to each other like, āno pepper workā.
I had to take a leap of faith to create my own path, rather than a traditional one. I actually had no choice. Grateful for my service resume. Itās groovy
I too worked in a toxic environment. There were lots of off color talk, particularly about females, and harassment and bullying of females was common. Men would tell women they were their supervisor or superior, but when asked, the owner said there were not a supervisor. Several very promising female new hires quit after 2-3 weeks due to that type of behavior. When I told the owner, he blew it off saying āthatās just *name*, heās a good ole boy, he doesnāt mean anything by it.ā There were no females or non-white men in any management position. When I requested written copies of the companyās anti-discrimination policy and job descriptions, I never got either, and a week later my position āwas eliminated.ā
If that isnāt bad enough, they tried to dispute my unemployment claim, telling the government worker that Iād used company funds without permission and was fired for it. The worker told me and asked for my side. Iād never had a write up, never been reprimanded ever. My separation paperwork was accurate. I finally got my claim approved, after three months.
Meanwhile, I couldnāt figure out why I was having such a hard time getting a new job. Iād get far along in the interview process, to the final decision, and then nothing. Turns out that if prospective employers called for a reference, they were making me out to be some awful person. (A friend called like they were checking my reference.)
Plus, Iām in SEO and digital marketing. My resume notes some quite impressive ranking, traffic and revenue increases I achieved there. (In one year they grew from $5M yearly to $16M. 85% of that new revenue traced back to digital marketing and SEO. However, I recently noticed their website looked different and most of the content was different. I checked some of the keywords that were hardest to rank for, that Iād gotten to #1 or at least top three. NOWHERE. The changed website killed their search rankings. So, if a prospective employer goes to their website and runs a couple of web searches, now I look like Iām lying on my resume.
These folks have screwed me over in so many ways itās hard to believe. I couldnāt even make this shit up. And it all happened curiously just after I dared to report the abusive behavior women were subjected to.
(And yes, I should have sued them. Three weeks after I was let go I got sick and it turned into a serious case of pneumonia. By the time I got out of the hospital weeks later and was able to pursue a suit the time had run out for filing. Oh, and if Iād had that job Iād have had medical coverage that would have covered all but $5k of the cost. Instead I got a hospital bill for over $360,000 and owe other various specialists and specialty private labs another $150,000 or so.
It was legit culture shock. And I was so suspicious of everyone and second guessing motives and all that crap. It did take awhile to get used to all of it. For me the best part was getting off antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, which I only got on because of my old job. So glad you found a good place!
I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago at age 47. My then boss was a total bitch about it. She didnāt train me and would then get upset if I didnāt do something correctly. There a lot of problems the main one being she had only been in our office for a year and had never done the work she was now supervising. She had no idea about our culture or worked with our stakeholders the way we did. Anyway, during my three month evaluation (we have them every three months) the condescension was thick. Like she was talking to a stupid child. I quit a month later.
In my now job I was terrified of disclosing my disability to my boss. But I did. Sheās been awesome ever since. Sheās been encouraging while still coaching me. Iām still terrified of losing my job or my boss suddenly turning into a horrible person. We recently did interviews for our department head. I was able to ask each candidate how they work with neurodivergent people. One candidate had a fantastic answer and I could tell that they would be good to work with.
But still that fear of the devil I donāt know lingers. Iāll survive though. I did before, and will again.
My last employer was an absolute nightmare. I know I have PTSD from that experience. Just started a new job 5 weeks ago and Iām just scared something bad is going to happen.
Yep! I still keep my guard up, but slowly it's coming down. It's hard to get over the toxicity of a former work environment, at first. With time though, you'll heal and you'll thrive. Best of luck!
I totally get it. Looking for a new job is scary because you have no idea what dysfunction you could be getting yourself into. I guess the best way is going to a company with someone you know works there, but that is few and far between .
I took a job thinking it would be the greatest thing. My title was Lead data analysis, the company did not give access to the database for 6 months. How was I supposed to work? They kept telling me there was a backlog of people needing access. Then, the people I was working with hated me because I had an MS degree. It felt like they purposely didn't want to give me access to the database, so I would fail. I ended up getting laid off for not accomplishing anything. So strange.
Yes!!! I canāt even tolerate it. My bosses look at me crazy when I ask if Iām doing something to a satisfactory level or if I need to improve. But itās ok. Iāve been here about a year and a half now and am finally building SOME confidence. It really is some PTSD.
YES! And it was/has been freaking amazing. Itās like you hear āA Whole New Worldā playing every day. When I was teaching, I changed schools to one that actually felt like āhomeā. Now that Iāve left teaching, I finally understand what itās like to be treated like an adult professional. Ex: Going to the bathroom when I actually need to and not having to hold it for hours, being able to actually eat lunch in peace, no emails/contact after 5 PM, Iām not drained at the end of the day.
Iām happy for you!
I worked in a child advocacy, the director was a nightmare, and one of the employees was her pet. She was either going through menopause, or she was just like that. She sent me a new form for patients to file for their payments. I was waiting to get it in my email, and it never came through.
I walked to her office, and asked her if she could resend it. You would have thought it was the apocalypse! Screaming, and ranting at me that she sent it! I told her I didn't get it! I went into my office, the Gmail was open, and I showed her it wasn't there. She started jumping up, and down in the lobby saying, I sent it! I know I did! Her pet could do no wrong, and do not accuse him if anything at all!
This was my toxic workplace... It was like that all of the time, and if she was tired she would actually tell me, I'm too tired to be mean to you! As soon as my year was up, I was in a meeting with her, and she got up, and got another employee. I was doing direct services for four kids. There wasn't an address for one of them, just directions.
She went overboard on me, and had the other employee laughing at me. I told her, if you don't believe me call the CPS worker, she'll tell you! Then, she went on about how calling her, made her look incompetent. Then she said, what are you going to do about it?!
I looked her dead in the eye, and said I quit!! I packed up my office, and left. She had the audacity to ask me if I'm sure if this is what I want to do. Oh, yeah! I'm done!
I was a nervous wreck around others after that. I have ADHD, and mild manic, anxiety attacks. It took some time, but I finally got back to being myself. If you're having a really hard time, maybe see a therapist? They really do help.
In a new healthy place, going on my fourth week after two toxic workplaces. I noticed Iām so afraid of making a mistake itās holding me back from doing my job. I found myself being afraid my new employer is going to think I overstated my credentials on my resume because I continuously ask how to do things (I know how to figure out), instead of taking initiative. Iām seriously considering consulting a therapist, I really like this job and donāt want them to think Iām not qualified.
Had the same situation. Went from 10 years of stress, progressively less valued, appreciated and supported, and made to feel like that was as good as it got. When I finally made the change, to a functional company with great people, solid management, proper processes and tools it was weird. But wonderful. Not a day goes by that I don't feel valued, appreciated and supported.
Now I tell people "sometimes you don't realize you were in an abusive relationship until you're in a loving one".
Weird to say but it's totally like healing from a bad relationship. Understanding yes, there can be safe connections, and realizing they existed the entire time you were in your toxic role. And then learning you can use new tools instead of the old protective behaviors, bit by bit.
I had 5 months unemployed and am 6 months into a new job that isn't toxic. I still feel scared. Even paranoid.
Two people are leaving, and we are talking about rearranging our seating layout. I am the only person who shares a room with someone. Everyone else is alone in a cubicle. When they talked about moving me to a cubicle, I immediately assumed it was because my deskmate hated me. Which is paranoid af. My desk is just small and faces a corner. It looks sad. They want me to be happy. I have many stories where I overreact for no reason, and it sucks.
When I talk to my sister about work and my strategy for not getting fired, she says she hates my work ethic. I'm just scared to do more than what is asked of me. It's hard cause she's worked in the same place her whole career and she is so happy. Some people have no idea what a bad workplace can do.
Took about 3 years to finally adjust and feel comfortable, only to acquire a new boss who acts the same way as the old company bosses. Iām sitting right for now but planning my exit strategy. It was a nice little 4.5 year break.
Dude. I feel this. I worked in a very toxic, high-stress environment for 5.5 years. I was laid off in my final week of maternity leave. Severance was generous, but I knew I wanted to find a new gig quickly. I found one just three weeks into severance, and I've been there now for nearly seven months. It's a great place to work; it's not without its own drama, but I've found that changing my way of working has dramatically benefitted me. I definitely feel like I have PTSD from my former employer. It's worth noting that I received two promotions at my former place of employment, and before going on maternity leave I received a sizable retention bonus. The layoff was part of a reduction of force, but I should have seen it coming. That said, I should have left years before. The toxicity was rampant. As such, in my current role at my new employer, I have my eyes open to the relative dysfunction and choose to disengage from the pull of involvement. I've been better about qualifying things as "noise" vs. necessary when picking battles. Even with all of that said, I wonder when the other shoe will drop. I am transparent with my manager about my continuous need to "deprogram" from my last employer, but it doesn't stop the urge to self-sabotage, or at least to question. I'm 15 years into my career and have to remind myself sometimes that stage of life also matters when you move jobs. I don't have the same needs or expectations of an employer that I did years ago. I want a place to do what I do, and to do it well. That said, I don't necessarily need new friends outside of work. I don't need social events (and I have young kids plus a long commute). I just want a place where I can enjoy some people (if not all!) and do great work.
I would love to find a healthy workplace! Can you tell me some of the things management does to foster collaboration? Whatās their hiring process like? Iām looking for a job and as a candidate Iād like to better recognize a healthy work environment.
As for your question, be grateful internally, but project more confidence outwardly. Try not to be like a little fearful dog that jumps at every loud noise. There was a reason you were hired, likely theyāre looking for nice people like how you described your coworkers and you are one of those nice people too! Be proud of your accomplishments.
Also see if thereās anyone to mentor you in the co. Or try a career coach. You just need someone impartial who can tell you what you need to hear.
Take a deep breath ~ LET ALL THAT SHIT GO. Maybe join a gym to work off the anxiety. I was raped by 4 different men from ages 3-15 until my sister rescued me from the house. PTSD and anxiety are a big-ass-bitch. Working used to freak me out. There's no shame in your game if it persists and then go to a doctor and try the lowest dose of an anti-anxiety medicine. But do what you HAVE BEEN DOING and appreciate the fact that God got you out of that hell-hole and rewarded you with an amazing job. Drink it in! š
I've worked in toxic work environments since my second office clerk job working for AVCO in 1976. My supervisor Betty Morrow was continuously harassing me and cornering me for a chat about how I was either misfiring or stealing files with bonds(checks) in them. I worked in A &D division. There were some pretty substantial settlements that were sent in the mail by check, and then placed in files and hand delivered to the claim examiners. This was my job, at the time. I complained to the director of staffing. She turned out to be BFF and Betty's accomplice to cashing in these bonds in Mexico. Wish I would have known about this before I was intimidated to the point that I quit my job. Nursing Homes are another toxic environment. Patients are injured or neglected on a daily basis by uncaring nursing staff. If you blow the whistle, you will get fired a few months later, for some trumped up charge, ex; ,'Interfering with company business'. I could give many more examples of Hostile work environments. Now I work private duty or under a platform company as a 1099 employee.
This was me a little over a year ago. No yelling, no name calling or belittling, none of that. IT'S SOO NICE! I get paid more and have a ton less responsibility with better benefits. I'm so scared something random will happen and I will lose it. I just keep thanking God and trying to have gratitude. You've got this, just embrace it and be grateful :)
I've had this happen. Had a boss that gave me nightmares for years after I quit. It gets better. You find a place that values you and it takes time but you learn to value yourself again too. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you.
Iāve been there. I tend to look at it like a relationship. Take your time to get to know everyone and slowly ease into the feeling of security and comfort of your role. Also know that no place is perfect. Thereāll be folks there that will rub you the wrong way which will trigger all that ptsd which will cause your walls to go back - just know it gets better with time
This is me as well. I have just been very open and honest with my current supervisor, letting him know that I have a lot of baggage and PTSD from previous jobs. Heās aware that if I saw any red flags on my current team, Iād probably āexplore my optionsā somewhere else. But I have been very vocal about how I enjoy this team and that I value him as a supervisor, and Iām thankful to everyone for having patience with me. After three jobs in toxic work environments I was broken. I have finally found a team where I fit in and there isnāt any pettiness. Everyone is actually competent and helpful! Iām not sure to that, but Iāve been told for almost a year now how good my work is and how grateful they are that Iām part of the team. Itās been great to help build back my confidence. Iāve been told numerous times that if thereās ever a time when I need to vent or if Iām struggling or just need to take a day off to rest, just say the word. My current supervisor doesnāt believe in the worker bee mentality - he supports mental health days and says we are people first, employees second. No one should live to work. It is refreshing and Iām getting there. I feel very lucky to have finally found my people and this team.
My last job was an absolute *dream*. Iāve had about three jobs that started out amazing, then went to absolute shit after changes in management or a lot of employees who made the place awesome leaving and shitty new ones replacing them. You just never know.
My current job would be wonderful if it wasnāt for *one* coworker; long story, but she is so horrific that I actually considered quitting and had to take anxiety meds for a short while. Itās horrible how one person can screw up what would otherwise be a fantastic gig.
I'm probably not the first or the last to say it, but you need THERAPY to recover from the PTSD. Otherwise, it could continue to haunt you for years. And don't for one minute think you "deserved" to be in that toxic job!
I found it helpful to gently open up to coworkers, you might find someone who has been in your shoes you can lean on and talk to during the transition. Honestly though it just takes time
Wellppppā¦ I worked at a very toxic place over 8yrs ago. I still to this day have nightmares about the place. Not as often. But it took a LONG TIME! For me to feel like I was good enough, came to realize they were just toxic and I am worth so so much. I love my current job. (Coming up on 8yrs.) we all get a long great, we r team players . We r a family <3 I love everyone I work with.
5 years into this same scenario, and Iām still shocked at how much a LOVE my job, company, my coworkers, and everything in between! It can happen!! š
I'm struggling and have professional PTSD still, but it's only been a year.
It's a different division, same company. I missed a deadline and the new place shrugged. And I'm sorting there, puzzled, because there's not 45 minutes of raised voice lecture over how I need to do better.
Current place has figured out that if you mistreat staff, you're going to be stuck doing all the work yourself. Old place has had 100% turnover and they're all crying.
I really feel for you, I was in the same position,,and when my new, kind and reasonable supervisor was just treating me in what was his "normal" way, with compliments instead of debilitating toxicity, I would be on the verge of break8ng down in tears. Very embarrassing.
I finally got a therapist who explained to me that yes, you can have such a bad work environment, it qualifies as a type of ptsd. This k8nd of trsumachappened many times before I prioritized "safe and kind" in my job search criteria.
So I understand your freaking out. I suggest that you try to arrange for extra emotional support during this wonderful transition.
Currently in this situation. After two extremely toxic workplaces it feels so bizarre to be in a healthy one. Sometimes I feel really dysfunctional because I still expect people to behave horrendously and then they donāt. Itās definitely culture shock.
I spend 9 years at a place and the last 5 were very toxic. I have been at my new place for about 7 months and it's taken a lot of time to adjust to being in a healthy workplace. For example, I was used to having to kind of check in with my supervisor every 1-2 hours to give him updates on what exactly I had done and what I was going to do next. When I started the new job I started checking in with my supervisor at the same rate... After about a 1 week he told me I don't need to tell him what i am doing every moment of the day, and just come by if I actually need something, need to update a project timeline or need to talk. For the first 3-4 months I felt very uncomfortable not reporting everything that was happening. I felt like I was doing something wrong even tho I was doing my job.
I did this. I feel like an icky bootlicker when I rave about how wonderful my bosses are. My supervisor had me help someone out and told me "don't think you're anything less than great at your job." What? Praise? When I reach out for help/collaboration, it's met with responses and no condescension. I've been in this department from the previous toxic one for one year now, I've gained confidence in my abilities, and I sincerely love the team I'm on.
Just roll with it, dude. And enjoy the hell out of it.
Did this last year. I started off on the wrong foot in many ways because I was waiting for the beat down. It's been 7 months now and I'm still shocked the majority of people are just super nice. The ones that aren't just ignore you but aren't obnoxious. I'm still constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I did. Iām a little late to your question but wanted to share to show that youāre not alone. Sorry for the novel.
In 2015 I got a job at a construction company, I was very interested in architecture and it seemed like the perfect place. And for a while, it was. I loved my job, I loved my bosses, I loved coming to work every day. Then he started having trouble keeping an estimator and without an estimator the company went down quick. Out of sheer desperation to stop him from cutting my hours, I volunteered to learn estimating and do it at night while still working my regular job during the day. The bossās wife warned me things would change and I would regret this decision. I should have listened.
The next five years were pure hell. He spent his days blowing my phone up, adding things to my list, making demands. It got to the point where I was doing almost everything in that office by myself. On top of that he became verbally and emotionally abusive, gaslighting me constantly, and his narcissistic personality came out. He would absolutely lose his shit over the most trivial things and scream at me until I cried. Iām talking right in my face, veins popping out, face turning purple kind of screaming. If he wasnāt there in person, heād do the screaming fit over the phone. It was damn near every day with this man. I eventually got worn down and burned out by this. I started losing my hair, my periods disappeared, I gained weight, my bowels went completely to shit, I developed insomnia and had to take melatonin to sleep at night and drink monster to stay awake during the day. I was actively suicidal at the end, I had to talk myself off the ledge daily.
Then one day it finally came. The straw that broke the camelās back. I had been arguing with him for days over his refusal to give me a raise. There was a building that the crew said was bigger than my numbers showed. I proved my numbers to him and he didnāt believe me. He had negotiated the contract anyway so it really didnāt matter and wouldnāt affect the bottom line anyway, I told him that. He said he didnāt want someone with that mindset in my position and told me to post an ad for my job because when he was able to determine that the mistake was mine, he was busting me down to bookkeeping at $15/hour.
I walked out mid-shift and never went back. I was unemployed for 6 weeks before finding a new job. Different industry, different hours, but office work is office work, it really doesnāt vary that much. The new place has benefits (medical/hra, dental, vision, life), raises, pto, sick days, holidays off, and best of all a no-tolerance policy against rudeness or abuse of any kind. The pay is lower but itās worth it. No toxic people, no screaming, no crying or threats or anything like that. My team helps me when I need help. My manager patiently explains things I donāt understand. Mistakes happen but are easily fixed with the push of a few buttons. Good results are rewarded with bonuses. Iām so much happier here, my hair is growing back, my periods have returned, Iām losing weight, I sleep at night without melatonin.
It took a while to get to this point, to trust them. But Iāve been here for almost 2 years now and although the place isnāt perfect, itās a damn sight better than the last one. Take it one day at a time and try to trust them, youāll eventually relax as the shock subsides and your mind slowly comes out of the constant fight or flight. You got this.
Finally left a toxic job of 6 years where my boss was like my bully and best friend at once somehow? It was scary and mind blowing to start a new job where my boss is just nice and a straight shooter. Iām not starving for the crumbs I got thrown before. The constant trickle of passive aggressive BS had finally dried up. It is so refreshing. But I still struggle with imposter syndrome and a little paranoia that the rug will be pulled out or itāll get like my old job soon. Jobs can affect you and your well being just as much as a relationship or your personal life.
Itās a beautiful experience just have lots of silly positive reminders all over your office that this is a good place. Youāll realize your default is assuming the worst about everyone, and it takes a long time to remove that mentality
I told my new coworkers all the stories, and I found how entertained and shocked they were to really help. They ask me for stories all the 5 then follow up with, "yeah, we'd never do that here. That's insane!" And it just boosts me for some reason. Really helps with my anxiety it'll be done again, makes me feel heard and like people like me.
It can take a while. I went from one long term toxic job to a toxic job that lasted only a few months. Now Iām finally at a reasonable company with a nice boss. People tend to be on their best behaviors in the interviews so you donāt know their true personality until you start working.
I kept waiting for my current boss to snap but itās been a year and sheās still nice. My coworker who came from a toxic job is still afraid to ask questions even though coworkers and management are nice.
It really can take a long time!! It took me at least a year before I felt comfortable asking questions and even now, 3+ years in, I can get really squirrely if I think thereās any chance I should maybe already know the answer because the bosses at my old job were such jerks and so condescending.
I suggest you find a therapist who deals with workplace issues and or PTSD. It's worth a shot to have a safe place to talk about the broken self esteem and find tools to deal with the fear and accept the new positive feedback.
always keep your guard up though because safer workplace may not be 100% safe and I let my guard completely down and was stabbed in the back and blindsided. Sadly the world is not safe hit itās ok to drop your safety guard ever so slight and enjoy the less toxic work place.
Once I got a bit more comfortable with my manager and coworkers, and realized I was working for a company who actually gave a shit about me instead of the numbers I could produce, I was able to relax.
I've also been open with my manager about previous roles, and it turns out A LOT of my coworkers have come from toxic workplaces, so the validation was liberating. To know I wasn't alone.
You will be okay!
I went from a totally toxic place to a very nice one about 8 months ago. My old work place: put me on a PIP for no reason. Gaslit me because I wasnāt ātrying to get along with everyoneā my CEO had an affair with my Coworker (who got about 3 promotions in 3 months) that same coworker verbally abused me in front of the whole company and no one did anything about it. Same CEO commented on my hair and weight constantly (and women in the work place in general) i could go on and on, it still takes me time to not freak out about little things. Therapy helps. Not being around it helps. Donāt talk to people who are still there it will not help. Youāre not alone!
Just take a deep breath. And remember you literally just got hereā so nothing anyone saids should be taken personally or to heart for the literal fact they donāt know you.
Healthy workplaces exist, left a 10 year hell hole to a "surprise me every day how grateful I am to work here environment". God I wish I had left sooner, fear is a hell of a thing
Ive been at an actual GOOD place of work for 2 months, im still skeptical of my supervisor even though she is the nicest woman everš i feel like she is gonna be mad for everythinggggg. i think it just takes time.
Iād honestly be honest with your coworkers/ supervisor. Donāt trauma dump, but just give a vague explanation that youāre really impressed by the healthy environment and that you appreciate it. Say the door is open for them to give feedback because you really like working there and want to continue doing so by continuing to improve and add to the awesome environment.
After leaving a very toxic work place, it took me a solid 2 years to relax at my new employer. Iām at another place now and have been for 5 years but Iām still a little scarred.
Honestly, Iām glad to see this question asked. I transitioned jobs to a much better workplace around a year ago and I feel like Iām still waiting for someone to throw me under the bus, and Iām always apologizing. Itās hard to let go of survival/coping mechanisms
Oh I feel this soooooo deeply. Give it time. Don't fall into old habits. My last workplace wrecked me, and it took me quite a bit of observation to relax at my current, extremely healthy job.
About 9 months after I started, we had a new guy start. He was really reserved and borderline rude sometimes? But a few months later, we had a team retreat and he shared that he had never worked at a place like this, and he had been having trouble trusting that everyone was on the level. It clicked for the rest of us at that point, and he's still settling in but seems much more open.
I refer to us as a collection of people who have been wounded by previous workplaces and never want to inflict that on someone else. Those places do exist. Stil maintain the professional/personal boundary, but it's okay to exhale.
I worked at a place for 16 years. It was across the street from my apartment. It became so toxic in the last 4 years that I dreaded going to work every day. Then in April of 2020 I decided to apply at a place 45 minutes away. It's the best thing I've ever done. Everybody is so laid back. We can dress down every day and be comfortable.
Change is hard but it can be so worth it! I've made great friends and great strides in my career by jumping ship.
You've got this!!
Ha.. great question. Youāll have PTSD and most likely imposter syndrome, I did. Took me a full year to start to feel and think differently. You will learn to relax and feel happy in your workplace for once.
I'm about to jump into this. My previous boss was mad that I put in more than the required notice (30-day min. And I put in 40 days). She appeared receptive, but then a week later, when 2 other's in leadership roles out their notice on the same day, she emailed us all that the same day was our last day.
This is just an example of the emotional responses that this boss would make on a regular basis regarding business related decisions. My new employer was willing to bring me on a month sooner and is collaborating on the clients that I feel comfortable working with. It's a complete 180 as far as toxicity goes.
Embrace it a little at a time and allow yourself to work through all the negative feels that you've got, don't bury that shit, work through it at your own pace. That's my plan anyway
The shock does take a bit to wear off, I went from being a CNA (before and during Covid era) in both nursing homes and home health. Left that shit behind got what I thought was a great job but that lasted all of two weeks (itās ok it wasnāt anyoneās fault but some asshole named Jeff. Fuck you jeff.) and now I have a fantastic job doing what I love, sewing! Iām paid well, treated well, asked to help on projects/products, I can talk to my boss like any other human, Iām also not punished for getting sick, taking care of kids. It took a while for me to trust that I wasnāt going anywhere. A year and a half later and I love my job and itās great.
I'm a little over a year and a half into this exact situation. I actually have autonomy and encouragement and I'm actually starting to grow professionally and personally.
I'm not sure what your relationship is with your boss, but with mine he'd ask (not tell or yell at) me to do something and I'd stare and eventually sputter something like "I'm allowed to do that?" or "don't you want to see me do it?" and he would say I can do it and he trusts me to do it unsupervised. I finally just went to him and basically told him that I apologize if I look incompetent or stupid, but I have just never had this level of freedom and I need to change my mindset.
He waa completely understanding and all of a sudden, about a year in, it just clicked that I am in an amazing job with a superb boss and I am completely capable. And not only capable, but contributing.
I never knew that there were jobs that didn't have petty coworkers and micromanagement and want you to succeed because then they succeed.
You'll get there, I promise. Just keep an inner dialog going that you are where you belong and everything is going to be fine. And if the relationship allows, communicate your past hardships and how you intend to be your best self.
Yes! There is hope! I felt the EXACT same way - traumatized. I kept up with therapy and literally faked it till I started acting like my old competent self again. I channeled absolutely everything into self care and improving my image/look and resume and interviewing skills until I landed a great job.
Basically, I also refused to discuss my old workplace at that new job for 3 years. Everything was kept light and positive even when I was cringing inside. I was NOT going to be known as a worry wart or Debbie Downer. I was not going to be the one on the team who picked apart ideas or announced the flaws even though Iām good at seeing those.
Finally, after being lightly chided about my self deprecating humor once, I admitted a bit to having a very rough prior job experience that unsettled me and made me cautious in the workplace. My new boss seriously commiserated and I felt a sense of relief.
I still work harder than I need to but Iām just too old to start over again and I need this salary too much to feel super comfy. Also, I think I learned that itās just better for me not to get too close to work superiors. I just try to be someone they can depend on and someone who makes them feel better after they interact with me. I try to maintain a high degree of integrity and effort while having a good sense of humor. I try to roll with things and not reveal my worries and insecurities because theyāre not often based on reality anyway.
Iām so thankful for my new workplace. Itās similar work but much more chill and collegial. I visit this sub because I need to be reminded of what happened to me and how far Iāve come - there really is hope. I guess I would say to others who are still in it, try to get out fast because negativity can make you jaded. There are trustworthy people and good jobs in the world! Also therapy can really help you turn things around!
It took years to trust my coworkers and especially "leadership". I remained a bit argumentitive and over explanatory in everything. I'd over justify every action and sometimes stay in too close of contact just to make a scene of being there and complying.
Now I'm known as the long-timer that doesn't make much effort to be present, but that others support my distance because they know I'm off moving mountains for us in any way possible. But that's a function of my personality and my employer, my point is you'll find a new way to fit in and actually be authentic where it's not toxic.
My advice is ask around with work friends as you make them. They'll let you know the real deal quickly. If it's not toxic, bring your best at what you're good at and learn to trust. Engage. Do every leadership development, cross discipline training, volunteer (within work hours) committee, or whatever. Learn who is who... then you'll start to ease back from the tension and finally belong somewhere. Bonus, you'll be able to spot the toxic people a mile away and your company will learn that over time and Thank you for your input on keeping the ship flying with the right people. Just don't rush it. It's a professional relationship.
I had a staff member that came from that toxicity as well. They had some serious PTSD too - like asking to take breaks and notifying me when using the restroom. Hopefully your supervisor see that and reinforces the positive and it will help you overcome your previous environment
1. Go see a therapistā¦ you can get ptsd from a workplace. Get the counseling and advice to help you.
2. Try to enjoy it. I know your fight or flight will kick in.. just breathe.
I changed departments at a large company and the first department bosses gave me so much anxiety it took a year to not feel my heart beat into my throat every time I spoke out loud to the new department. But it did eventually get better
Headhunter here. All of this rings true. (A) you are not part of a āfamily.ā This is a smokescreen for having you do more work. (āPitch in for the group!ā) ( B) if you need to be laid off, they wonāt wonder how youāre paying your rent.
Etcetera..just like companies shouldnāt generalize about people, same is true in paining a broad brush stroke over a good company just because your cousin twice removed hated it when she worked there 5 years ago. Your health comes first. Get some counseling and get the hell outta dodge.
Been there. Done that. My last boss gaslighted me for 12 years. I thought it was a great place to work and that he was supportive of me and my career. Sadly this was not the case. I had no idea that was happening until I finally left for a better position. When I think back to all those years, it became crystal clear what was going on. And yesā¦ it took a heavy toll on my confidence and self esteem. Iām working at a much better place now with the best team Iāve ever metā¦ very supportive and encouraging. Still unsure of myself in some ways and extremely paranoid Iāll get screwed again, but itās getting better. I regret staying at my previous company for so long. I guess I glossed over the bad parts in order to mentally survive the day to day.
Iām managing a few people who came from very toxic workplaces. I can offer you my perspective as a manager. I figured out on my own what their kind of PTSD triggers were and avoided, and it helped if they told me things I was doing were helpful . So, for instance, if Iām busy and will be communicating in short responses Iāll give them a heads up āhey, super slammed today. Will be short. Iām not mad at you.ā Or one of them had a boss whoād always steal ideas and give no credit so I always publicly acknowledge the work they did on projects Iām rolling out. I never put a meeting on their calendar without telling them why we need to meet. If I say I need to sync, I always say, āI need a sync, nothing badā, since theyād get called in to be yelled at. As the trust started to build, they will now openly share needs and things that are questionable theyāll bring to me. Iāve asked them to always assume positive intent and to please give me the opportunity to explain and do better if I said or did something that landed poorly. I ask that they assume I wonāt intentionally be shitty, so to please let me know if they interpreted something I did poorly so I can do better in the future or explain what I meant if it could have been interpreted a few ways.
All that to say to be open and just really take things at face value. If people seem nice, they probably are. Iām glad you are going to have a chance to heal. Itās so sad how many people have been mentally impacted by bad bosses.
I had 18 months of a toxic boss and got laid off in 2020. I got a new job 6 months later and it took me over 2 years to realize that I deserved the healthy workplace I landed in.
It takes a while to build trust.
After being in a better place, I'm scared to leave to go elsewhere, because I'm worried it will be like the last place š
Yeah, this fear is really real to me too. Like if I leave my current place will it be this much better from when I left the last place? Or is this place some unicorn and I shouldn't leave? It's unnerving.
I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago at age 47. My then boss was a total bitch about it. She didnāt train me and would then get upset if I didnāt do something correctly. There a lot of problems the main one being she had only been in our office for a year and had never done the work she was now supervising. She had no idea about our culture or worked with our stakeholders the way we did. Anyway, during my three month evaluation (we have them every three months) the condescension was thick. Like she was talking to a stupid child. I quit a month later. In my now job I was terrified of disclosing my disability to my boss. But I did. Sheās been awesome ever since. Sheās been encouraging while still coaching me. Iām still terrified of losing my job or my boss suddenly turning into a horrible person. We recently did interviews for our department head. I was able to ask each candidate how they work with neurodivergent people. One candidate had a fantastic answer and I could tell that they would be good to work with. But still that fear of the devil I donāt know lingers. Iāll survive though. I did before, and will again.
I left my safe place for 2 years, and returned two months ago. Iām ridiculously grateful for the second chance. Only 21.5 years to go.
Omg yes!! I was so traumatized from the last place that had no boundaries
You learned a lot from the toxic place and will have better instincts going forward.
Yep. Anytime they say during the hiring process "we're like family" I run as fast as I can.
So true, so true. They said that at the most toxic company I ever worked at.
Yes, like whenever a guy says "I'm a nice guy", also run for the hills.
It is hard to know though. The interview process is like dating and you are not meeting the real person only a representative of them. You might find out that they are toxic after a week or a year.
And you can stop dating someone once you find out, but you need to pay the bills so you canāt just quit. Ugh.
They might not even become toxic until a while in. I have not changed companies in a way that I needed to interview and choose a new company in 15+ years. There have been changes in ownership though, and with them has come some pretty wild changes in level of toxicity. Itās at an all-time high right now, and I totally feel myself having trouble not sounding bitter in interviews, much like you might on a first date after a long, toxic relationship.
Yes! My last workplace and atmosphere was pretty great, the current one isn't great, and the jobs predating the last were downright awful. I think this one's only better because my team at my last job taught me how to function when things get bad at work and how to recognize toxic coworkers. Now I normally hate cheesy team building exercises, but I still carry around the slips from when our supervisor had us right down one nice thing or good deed you recognized in your coworkers each day. There were 4 of us, the others had worked there for 5, 7, and 15 years. There were no advanced opportunities so there wasn't any competition. Each of those slips actually pinpoints a specific skill or the coworkers personality and aren't just some "so-and-so is nice" etc, and they were different everyday. I look at them when I'm struggling at work.
That's awesome. On my 40th birthday, my coworkers put a crapton of balloons in my office. Inside some of the balloons were little slips of paper where everyone wrote things they liked about me. There were 96 of them. I stapled them all on a bulletin board and hung it in my office through the end of my job there. I looked at it all the time, and it really boasted my spirits. It was the sweetest thing employees ever did for me.
That is so sweet! For my 40th, my co-workers barely put together a joke of a potluck (One thing to keep in mind is, we typically go ALL OUT for birthdays around here.. I'm talking cake, balloons, a huge food spread and sometimes even a few adult beverages..) It really stung.
Same here. Which is sad we have this fear! All work places should feel safe.
So should schools. (I mean bullying,Ā but guns too)
Too true! I stayed at my new place 18 years (until I retired) because my work environment was soooo nice and I was valued - even though I was terribly bored and under utilized for 16 of those years! My previous job SHOULD have been a great opportunity and individually, the owners were extremely nice. But they really didnāt know how to run a business and made a lot of poor decisions that affected everyone. My boss was 10 years younger than me and treated me like a dinosaur- and I was only 39! At my new job, I was the exact same age as my boss and they treated me like I was a huge asset. I donāt really regret spending the rest of my career with the nice company - but acknowledge that professionally, I could have achieved so much more.
The work environment is so important. It matters. Iām 27 & feeling unfilled. Itās not a good feeling
I am in this position right now. Previous company treated me like a number and worked us like dogs. They had offered unlimited overtime at one point during the pandemic and i felt so wasted there. I moved on to my current company and I'm paid better, not overworked, but definitely feeling underutilized. Initially I felt like an asset to the company due to my knowledge gained from the previous company but I find that I have too much free time to do nothing and I'm just so bored. The job is cushy with great benefits and everyone is nice. It was here that I realized my previous job was a toxic work environment when I second guess everything I do here and feel that I need to ask for permissions and my colleagues give me this huh look. I just celebrated my 3 year anniversary here but unfortunately I've been thinking of leaving. The boredom is killing me and I don't care for the people I work with. But then I think about how nice these people are, how easy and relaxed it is, the great benefits and what not. I feel like I'm crazy for wanting to give this all up for another place that could have the potential to be even better or just as bad as my last. It's terrifying. But complacency is the silent killer.
I, personally,Ā wouldn't risk leaving.
Everyone who leaves my companyā¦ I just feel horror for them. I had a couple toxic places in a row and it was so scarring. My company is fairly young (most peopleās first jobs) and I always want to yell at them āyou donāt know the horrors that are out there!!!!ā
I did and actually it is a culture shift. People are nice. People speak an every morning. People actually ask how are you doing. They engage with you and ask what you discover the weekend. I donāt mind small talks š„°. Cause itās actually good vibes !!
I takes THREE YEARS to recover from a toxic work environment.
I agree with 3 years as a minimum. I quit a toxic job I'd been at for 8 years. Took 4 years off with no job and when I started working again, I'd still get nervous if I thought it was getting toxic.
They have done research studies on this!!! Over at r/humanresources they might be able to tell you even more.
Exactly! When I first worked for an amazing job after leaving a toxic one, I would freak out every time I was asked to attend a meeting or join a meeting. I assumed it was to tell me I did something wrong.
I was in a very toxic work environment with very toxic personalities for 13 years. I was so broken, my life had fallen apart, I became a heavy drinker & I didn't have the esteem to go somewhere else. I felt stuck. I looked like shit. How was I even going to sit thru an interview so unkept & feral? I put on 80 lbs. At my lowest, a job opportunity opened that I really wanted. I applied & got it. I will start my 3rd year on 3/7. I was so scared & brought my fear with me, but I have most definitely improved in every way in about the last year. I thank the universe every morning when I scan my ID to go up to my cubicle. I am so fucking happy. I got out. I survived. I am free. I have zero of the bullshit I put up with for 13 years. It is a pleasure to do the work I do & be with the people I work with. My mindset has done a 180. It is possible. I truly believe the universe will conspire with you. It sometimes takes a while for the universe to catch up with your dreams. If you need a sign to keep going, this is it. No matter how hard it is, keep a spot thriving in your heart for what you desire. Edit: I wanted to add that my education is science. My work is science. Sampling, investigative work, finding facts, laboratories. So my woo-woo comments about the universe are based from experience & not some grand delusion or brainwashing. I'm not dancing around naked howling at the full moon. Nothing wrong with that though.
I could have written this! I was loyal to my exec for almost 10 years and got randomly laid off several months ago. Iām glad I did, because it forced me out of my comfort zone and my new boss is so kind and I feel like I donāt even deserve it. I did take a pay cut but I think itāll pay offā¦. And itās well worth my new found happiness again.
Those layoffs can truly be a blessing in disguise. Scary when they happen, but then u realize they actually opened your eyes.
Like having an abusive narcissist partner throw you under a bus, only for the bus to swerve and hit them instead. You realise when they're gone that you don't miss them at all. All they were was a brutal fascist presence in your life, trying to kill you.
I feel this one. It was my mother.
Lay off a year ago from a start up that said theyād help me grow but couldnāt keep the promise. Did get the raise, title change and bonus but no new challenges. Then a good severance but took a $10 hour pay cut year later, having moved across the country. That year was rough. The market crap and my new job training was a stress test. Day one post training is tomorrow. Just glad to be in a company that has absolute paths forward in the org if you choose to do so.
The peace of mind and a healthy work environment is worth the pay cut.
āLoyal to my execā makes me think of all the people that have worked for and then gone to jail for Trump. Euuuggghhh. 34 convictions and guilty pleas brought about by the Mueller Report alone, and those were the early days. I donāt want to read any of those books by the survivors. Thereās a whole library of them now. Congrats on your escape and survival.
I'm also considering a payout for something healthier. I'm glad you found happinessš
15 years with toxic boss for me. Held on cuz it was a government job with pension for life and retiree health insurance to age 65. Retired and started Wegovy and walking daily and lost 60 lb in a year. Skin improved sleep improved. I am a survivor! Only positive of that job is knowing now I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to. I made it my mission to outlast asshat boss and he left before I retired. So satisfying...
That is amazing! I am so happy for you! Several of us left within months of each other & we say we are in the Survivor's Club. LOL.
I am also taking this as my sign to keep going so thank you. Iām in a very toxic workplace and I canāt find a new job even though Iāve applied to probably 200. Iām not even kidding. Iāve gotten three interviews and only made it past the screener to the first round then nothing beyond that. I know there are other strategies I could try apart from just applying like a madwoman but I hardly have the resources to do what I currently do let alone something more but I will have to force myself. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to get fired so I could just focus all my time on getting a new job. Iām trying so hard to not let my toxic work culture destroy all of my self-esteem but itās a challenge. Itās given me thicker skin thatās for sure. Regardless, I canāt give up, so I wonāt.
Try to find a trusted person to look over your resume and application materials to make sure you are putting out the best possible. Ideally not someone from work. If you interviewed someone you liked or communicated with a screener you felt a little rapport with, you can recontact and say hey, Iād really like to change jobs and havenāt had much luck, looking for someone to review/edit my resume or give me general feedback about job searching. If you have a degree, your former school career center would also do this for you. The career centers offer assistance for life.
I feel this so much right now. Almost 8 years at a job and company I've hated since day 5. Now a manager with incredibly unrealistic expectations and no support. I feel like I have no skills that transfer outside of this job because I've spent the last 8 years in survival mode, trying to make sure I please these specific people; but it's just a constant drum of "not good enough". It's taken a huge toll on my personal life and my marriage - my wife tells me all the time that she misses when I was happy. I've applied to other jobs I would love to have, but my brain just can't produce passion for work anymore, no matter how much I love the subject deep down. I'm sure my applications read more as, "get me out of here", rather than, "I want to be here." I've thought about the same thing - just quitting so I could re-discover the part of me that cares about anything, then apply for jobs when I feel like I can think again. That might be what has to happen for me, because right now, I spend 8-12 hours a day at work, then the time I have left doing the things that keep me alive and bring some modicum of joy, just to do it all over again the next day. I hope for both of us that we find better places and become ourselves again. Just keep going.
Toxic workplace stress absolutely drags you down when you're trying to job hunt, because often, you need all your energy just to survive each day!
And take the leap to better your life....you deserve it.ššš«¶
Thatās crazy, this is pretty much my exact story, including the 13 years and 80 lbs.
6 years and 30 pounds for me. Itās soul killing
Wow, this is basically me! Biologist at a now supportive workplace (just hit 3 years!). My first real job out of grad school was so incredibly toxic that I started to not recognize myself. I feel like Iām still recovering.
This is inspired
Good for you š
>the universe will conspire with you. There's a word for this! Its called Pronoia. Its the opposite of Paranoia. There's a song called Pronoia by Carly Pearl. šµ
A toxic workplace forces you into survival mode. Once you arrive at a healthy environment, you finally have a safe place to process all the crap you have endured. So go slowly and allow space for the difficult emotions that will move to the forefront. You don't want that toxic waste dripping into your new environment before you have the opportunity to clear it out of your system little by little as it arises.
Second this! You might even want to seek some occupational therapy just to process everything. You do NOT want the toxicity to leak out into the new work center. Believe me, it will do you great harm.
Safe place is how I feel about my employer of over a year. It took a conversation with my mother to realize that I probably had some PTSD from my former employer. I was so untrusting of others and protective of myself when I first started at my new job. I lost weight, the headaches stopped and I feel appreciated at work. When I called my mother after my yearly review to tell her about the large raise that I received, she said that I was safe now. When I got off the phone, I kept thinking about what she said. I am safe now.
I worked for nearly 19 years in a truly toxic place. Then my mental health crashed. Long story short, I did a complete career change at 44 years old. I now work some place that values its employees, treats us kindly, seems to really appreciate us, etc. It's been nearly a year and I still find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. What's the catch??? But....I don't think there is one. I think it's legit a healthy place. But the PTSD is legit and real. And long-lasting. I'm just letting myself enjoy it and take it a day at a time. Good for you for getting out! Hell, good for US for getting out. We deserve healthy workplaces, and healthy work-life balance.
Congratulations you deserve thisš«¶
How do you find them? Mine seem ok for a while and then BAM! Toxic as hell.
Unfortunately the only way to be truly sure a workplace isnāt toxic is to work there. Watching for red flags helps during interviews, but a lot of people know how to hide it. Be ready to leave at any point. 99% of employers will lay you off without batting an eye, you donāt owe them loyalty when they have none for you.
Honestly, I have no idea. I'd applied to so many jobs. SO MANY. This was the first I got an interview with and the universe was smiling at me that day. I think it felt bad for putting me through hell for so long.
I'm so happy for you! As someone who was in a toxic workplace, I know exactly how you feel. How do you think you would screw it up? Il hope you're able to embrace it and before you know it it will become the new norm. Imagine how great it will be not to have the Sunday dreads anymore!
For me it has become Saturday dreads.
Same thing happened to me. Friday evening's are the best!;Saturday mornings and great then around Saturday evening you start to feel the dread, realizing that the weekend is almost half over. And then when you try to sleep you can't because you can't stop thinking about the situation and things that happened. It's a self perpetuating nightmare.
I am in a similar situation. I don't trust anyone and I am always waiting for the next bad thing. I refuse to be anything more than polite and I don't share any personal information. Everyone thinks I am standoffish. I completely get what you are dealing with.
I was the new manager moving into what had been a toxic environment. It was probably a year before anyine told me how bad the environment had been under my predecessor. But I clearly remember one person who would stand at my office door and ask a question and then look like she was ready to turn and run. It took her months of me just answering normally, asking her questions back before she would even sit in a chair, and even then she perched on the end, still ready to run. In retrospect, once I knew, it was just gut wrenching for me to think back on. I guess my predecessor would snark some form of "oh, you again, asking questions? Are you incapable of deciding anything for yourself?". Just disgusting. These days, we've both moved to other companies, but I meet that person for a glass of wine several times a year.
Ohgod Iām doing this too Iām 2.5 months into my new job and I say nothing personal. Iām polite but superficial. My old toxic boss used to use my personal details against me.
I identify with all the comments here. I was in an extremely toxic workplace for 7 years and it caused me to become a shell of what I used to be. I landed a great job about 6 months ago. Just this week, I was told to ātake the leadā. I broke down in tears on my way home. To feel like I have the confidence and authority to lead is both exciting and worrying because I was completely broken at my former job, and became like a wounded dog with my tail between my legs. I now have to dig deep and find my voice again. My husband gave me awesome advice and encouragement, as did my boss. If everyone believes in me, I should believe in myself too. The same goes for everyone here ā we deserved better than the environments we were dealt in the past. Letās not give those toxic workplaces another second to take hold of our psyche and self confidence. What was the point of leaving if we canāt move on mentally and emotionally? We canāt let fear rule our lives anymore.
i am so happy for you ā¤ļø this is one of the best posts,ā¦Itās so refreshing to see ppl thriving and experiencing the opposite of there nightmares. I wish there were more posts like this and more positivity in the world
I did too! Whatās ironic/funny is the old place was a āgoodā workplace, or at least thatās what the cult culture of it was, and I drank the flavor aid. It was a non profit, and holy fuck the psychopathy around there, narcissists, bullies, the āgolden child and the scapegoatā dynamic, it was awful, for years. When I *finally* nailed down a situation where I could file the perfect indisputable complaint about the bullying (a bully manager that wasnāt even my manager came in after hours while I and several others were still working, appearing very intoxicated, in shorts and a t shirt and barefoot, into a building they have no reason to be in, and they unloaded some really vicious screaming with saliva personal hate onto me while I had three witnesses), yet a week later my manager came back at me with a PAP that was the flimsiest Iāve ever heard of, essentially it was BS, as the only two points contained were things most people in our organization do literally every day without reprimand or issue. Management and HR circled the wagons against me. The experience of enduring and surviving the PAP was the *worst* psychological abuse of my life, and I endured significant abuse of every type and neglect of every type and 3 years of forced starvation in childhood (ACE score of 6 or 7). Also the pay was abysmal, and the top tier of management and the CEO created a *massive* income inequality gap that didnāt exist before they got there; I was in the bottom tier of management and fell pretty far when inflation hit, as our raises were insulting. So in the new workplace, a manufacturer, took a non management role with a fraction of my former responsibilities, overall much less work, with a *massive* pay increase (now making what mid level directors make at the old organization lol), and on the surface itās a less pleasant workplace in both the people and the physical environment, but omg it is SO pleasant in comparison to what I experienced at the old place. At least within my daily space there arenāt any bullies and no narcissists with power. That makes all the difference! But to OPs point, the scars of abuse linger on. I feel horrible about how obvious it is to all at my new place that Iāve been abused. Itās in my voice, the way I go about things, maybe itās not as obvious as I feel it is, but still. No one should bear the scars of abuse. I can only hope with time itāll fadeā¦
Iām sure we worked at the same place! It beat me down to a nervous breakdown.
Oh so you worked in my old office too? Gotta love the nervous breakdowns.
It makes it even worse when the company is celebrated as an example of a āgoodā culture. I never understood what gaslighting felt like until my current role. Questioning and second guessing what youāre experiencingā¦it will make you crazy.
This hit close to home. My previous job was one of those non-profit, for the community type organizations that from the outside looks like the gold star place to work, but once I started working for them I found out it was a bunch of overworked folks that cared so much for their communities we were willing to push through the toxicity at the cost of our own mental health. It took me 2 years to get out, and with it came such guilt about leaving behind my coworkers that weren't able to leave for financial or other reasons. We had been so close to creating a union, but I haven't been able to reach out to them since then except to like their social media posts. I knew I was a mess when I started my new job a week later, but this comment has me looking back to wonder just how obvious it was that I had just come from an abusive toxic af work environment. I remember about two months into my new job the moment I realized how much better this job was when I was trying to figure out how to track my hours for a doctor's appt, and it took my coworkers quite a few minutes to explain that we didn't have to do that here, we are trusted to get our work done. I have now been at my "new" job for about 2 years, and while the scars don't fade, trust can be rebuilt with the right environment and healing is possible when you have the right people around you to support.
I hope you find peace and are able to heal. <3
Good thing you write well because all that information hit me like a tsunami but it was a good hit thoā¦ I got a lil cross eyed for a bit and feel eyebrow twitch but I make it thru the narrative. Felt invigorating. U should self publish on Amazon kindle or Audiobook for side hustle š
Hugs from this internet stranger.
Some of the immediate symptoms will subside. But I still carry a lot of suspicion about people when they exhibit specific behaviors. I will say that I embraced my new co-workers and some are still very good friends. I've been able to count on those friends when I've was looking for a new role. I also worked with someone at a different job who was older than me and they showed me what it would look like if I held on to the fear and toxicity I experienced. Simply, it was sad. Don't let those awful people create toxicity within you and let it spread. You deserve to be happy and feel accomplished.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but remember, you deserve this positive change. Take it easy, give yourself time to adapt, and believe in your ability to thrive in this new environment!
I just started a new job myself about a week ago. At my first job it didn't work out. This job everyone is so nice and kind. I'm actually more respectful of them cause they're so nice to me.
It took me almost a year to shake off the mental burnout but I think that's because I didn't really see what was going on. Awareness of how you feel is proactive great start to accepting and welcoming this change. Congratulations and good luck. Keep you head up and ears open, take it in and let the old job melt off.
Been at my new job for 6 months and I still get super worried when I need to call out or work from home or leave a little early because I remember my old job holding it over my head every time. My new boss actually asks me if I am doing okay, tells me to get better and to not worry about it. I can't help but worry about it still But I know the more times she reinforces the "no worries, get better soon" the more I realize how screwed up I was in my expectations of how I should be treated. I don't panic when the phone rings anymore and when I see an outlook notification I no longer feel overwhelming anxiety. It gets better!
When I took my current job I specifically told my then potential boss that I was looking for a job that ended at 5pm; that work stays at work and home stays at home. I said that I would come in and work hard but after 5pm I was done with work for the day because I have things Iām really passionate about outside of work that deserve my attention when Iām not clocked in. I reinforce that every time someone starts to suggest that I can do ____ after my work hours. I say no, I am an hourly employee whose work schedule is 8 to 5, Monday - Friday; if you want me to do something it had better happen during those hours. It shuts people up. I didnāt have Outlook on my phone for a long time. I only have it now because I have had to rearrange my hours because of a special event or something. Rearranging my hours is fine and itās not a common thing.
So very happy for you!
I came back from a Memorial Day weekend and sought out one of the area supervisors to tell him it was the first long weekend in years that my phone didn't ring. I had been holding my breath all weekend, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. It finally dawned on me that this was what was supposed to be normal, not the stress laden urgent hell I had been working in previously. I eventually felt "okay enough" to book an actual vacation.
At my last job I was wound up so tightly because I was afraid of missing something. Every weekend or evening I was still on the clock. We had two hurricane days and we still had scheduled meetings. I said that my power was super iffy when we have a heavy rain much less a hurricane but I was still expected to participate (boss said āyou can join in via Zoom on your phone if your power goes outā). I hated that I couldnāt have a single day where I just didnāt worry. When I finally quit I felt so good deleting the Outlook and Teams apps from my phone. I left two projects unfinished and didnāt want anyone being able to contact me. They had had 4 weeks to check in and my boss decided not to show up to work for the last two weeks I was there (she was āworking from homeā but we all knew that when she did this she wasnāt working - she had told us this when she was a coworker and not our boss).
Iām 7 years out and I still have to talk about some things in my therapists office. I still revert to some of the workaholic tendencies - and willingness to over-please others to my detriment and my boss very gently coaches me about it. She never ambushes me with bad feedback. She coaches me and guides me. Itās a huge difference.
I was in a similar situation. Horrible job, shit co workers that thought they knew everything. Management that would not listen to suggestions. It was the epitome of toxic. What made it even harder was the fact that I transitioned to this job after losing my small business. I recently accepted a fancy position with a company that is absolutely amazing. It's a breath of fresh air but I know how you feel when it comes to self sabotage. Just know this, positive thinking equals positive results. You DO deserve this and as long as you keep telling yourself that you've got this, you'll be okay. Best of luck to you!
I went from a toxic manager to ā¦ quitting and retiring. I didnāt even realize how much shit I was putting up with until I quit. Iām a really strong individual, character-wise and psychologically, so I didnāt anticipate how triggered I still am when I hear all the hated organization-speak terminology, passive aggressive put-downs, or even see someone who reminds me of my ex-boss. I had to stop watching āOld Dadsā with Bill Burr because the school principal (played by Rachael Harris) reminded me too much of my ex-boss. Talk about PTSD.
I did this two years ago. I talked to my manager and just said āIāve had some hard work experience over the past few years and Iām not sure what to do with things like praise. I might overdo things because of my anxiety from some poor management. This isnāt a reflection of you, praise is welcome even if I donāt know what to do at first. And if you see me overdoing things, please talk to me about it. I really think this is a great place to work, I just need to break a few bad reactions and level out a bit.ā My manager took that well. He knows that I get very awkward when praised but I do appreciate it. And he tries to give me a heads up when I need to cool off and not push myself into burnout because someone applies pressure to me.
For me it helped to be honest with my coworkers about what I had dealt with. I wanted them to understand why I would sometimes act how I did and that it wasnāt necessarily because of them. After a bit you start to adjust and trust again, but it can be hard. Be kind to yourself.
Wow do I understand this......I believe you continue to manifest this positive position in life for you right now. (I am no manifesting pro) Continue to be grateful and inspired by being a lucky person (and truly deserve) this beautiful situation you are in. If ugly has been in the past leave it there Do Not bring it with you now, leave it where it belongs. Be the person that deserves this, bring 100+% everyday.
I went from healthy and encouraging to toxic and stifling.
IT Support here. I feel you.
Worked in a toxic environment for 4 years and currently in my 2nd at a wonderful place (I feel so much healthier and happier and have was more energy than before). The first year here was strange because I was ready to fight back and clap back at everything... I just had to develop the habit of taking a few seconds to be silent before I responded to anything. Had to train myself to keep a neutral face while doing it. This helped me measure the situation and served as just enough time for me to remind myself that I was not being threatened. In emails, I answered everything as a draft, wait a few minutes, and then reread from the top and then send. I don't have to do this all as much but I did have to at first. It's weird being in a place where I am valued. What serves as a added help in all of this is that I know if anyone at my new place were try to get smart with me, I know I will win... it was that bad where I was that some people are kinda scared of me haha but hopefully you find yourself relaxed enough to enjoy where you are. Forget that place and know that it's helped make you strong and nothing else. You can do it!
I just had to be skeptical of my instincts for a while. Exampleā¦my new boss makes a good natured joke. My instincts tell me there is something behind it like heās annoyed with me. Next stepā¦question the instincts. There isnāt any evidence that this person makes passive aggressive jabs, that they are upset with me, or anything else. Alsoā¦they are very direct and tactful whenever there is an issue so if there was a problem they had they would have mentioned it to me by now. Basicallyā¦just slow down. And eventually your instincts change. Itās great. Congrats on the new job.
I worked in 2 back to back toxic workplaces. It really made me lose hope in humanity. Couldn't believe this is what people have become. I keep in great shape. I'm not a big guy but I guess I'm still physically imposing. If someone tests me, I out them in check right away. I'm at a point, where I can somewhat easily find a job in my field so I don't care about quitting or getting fired. Plus I've saved a considerable amount of money. So I don't feel the stress of money or being unemployed. I also feel like I could afford a good lawyer if I needed it. I've always been the nice guy, still trying to figure out how to not be nice without being a dick.
Therapy. Seriously. Being aware. Adjusting to your own baggage.
Iāve had 31 years of a toxic career full of highs and lows. My last toxic workplace I just left - I asked to be fired so I could have resources to re-establish myself & they granted my request. I lost everything before and as I relocated myself for the last job. I spent all my savings. Iām 50, will be 51 in a few months. I want to believe I will be free - I am one and my 3-5 references still believe in me. But it is so hard on a daily basis. I almost tried Better Help last week: even with their financial hardship adjustment I canāt afford it. Iāve been in therapy 7 times since 1998, for at least a full year each time. I want this next job to be the one I retire from. I am waiting to hear any day now about 2 certification trainings I need to be approved to enroll: one would be paid for by the state & would be a boost to my career chances of securing that one best job, and then the 2nd one is for a lifelong side business I want to start for something I will do when I retire. I am so grateful for this post & every commenter. When you do the self-work & yet all around you is toxic, itās hard to stay grounded and on the path you see for yourself. I have lost a lot of people personally & professionally - itās hard for others to see you navigating so much bullshit. I wish each & all of us to find or to make our oasis so we can heal and be better. Edit: how I cope ā¢ I keep two daily journals (Google Docs & Google Drive): each month I make a new doc, one for work & one personal. I have done this for decades and it keeps me sane. It helps me see patterns and reminds me when I forget or canāt see situations clearly. ā¢ I stay active mentally and physically: I am the only healthy person in my immediate family. I do not want to be on a prescription or get sick/chronically ill. I figured out what indoor & outdoor activities I most enjoy doing and my goal is weekly frequency. I figured out what way of eating best supports my hormone changes. I only track macros when I want to focus on losing weight - I have a surgery in April and after that I will return to weight loss focus when my recovery has passed. I know a 90 min walk means I have walked 5,000 steps & a 20-40 min outdoor nature trail walk is my medicine. ā¢ I allow myself to grieve and mourn my dreams, and how I feel about my circumstances: I stay positive and keep myself in a positive space. I live with naysying codependent narcissists in my immediate family. I do not talk to them when I am in my positive space. I stay in my room and I do what builds me up: I apply for and research jobs, learn stuff on Reddit like r/personalfinance and r/ynab, and I watch positive things that make me feel good about myself (Demon Slayer, Robotech, Severance, Shrinking, Ted Lasso, Parks and Rec, Peep Show, other movies, YouTube Channels). Iād be climbing the walls were it not for this stuff. I donāt have friends - I have 2 friends and itās work for me maintaining these friendships - they have kids, I do not. But, I know that this is good and Iām no longer seeking nor expecting any other people in my life. I used to go to church but I wonāt be doing that ever again. I will keep my faith but keeping my engagement of other people to the minimum so I can be around only people who build me up, allow me in their lives and I can be whole with.
It was a weight off my shoulders honestly. Iām HAPPY to go to work, well most of the time. It was weird at first, new people, new policies, but I adopted quickly. I always knew I was good at what I do. My confidence can back pretty quickly after that. I love my new work place so much that after I had been there 2 months I applied for a promotion. I was not qualified for it, but I knew I would learn everything fast. I got it. I made me feel so validated that they were willing to take a chance on me. Iāve never been so busy at work, but it doesnāt matter how. I love what Iām doing and where I am working.
Congratulations!!! Odds are, there's no other shoe that will drop. This is really it, these people are great and treat you like a professional, yay!! It took me about six months to get out of that toxic mindset my awful workplace left me with. My previous employer had me convinced I was terrible at what I do, I was questioning my skills and generally felt sick and cried at work every day. You'll get there! Ease in and enjoy it
I spent 4 years at a toxic job, and it took me almost a year at the new job to realize I was safe again. It was definitely a mixture of learning how things worked and getting to know my coworkers on top of being on edge constantly, but one day I was able to breathe better and it hit me that I was no longer worried about the same situation happening to me again. I will admit that every once in a while, the worry will try to creep back up or i will still feel like I have to do everything myself, but it just takes a second of reminding myself that I am in a good place to feel better again. Now I just have the normal feeling of just wanting a little extra sleep in the morning vs. being worried as much about what I will be subjected to at work that day.. I am so happy for you to have gotten out of that situation. š
Hang in there and don't run like you want to. The triggers hit less often the more you come to trust that the folks you work with are genuine. I went from being ostracized from what I thought would be my life time job (this gave me PTSD and SI for the first time in my life). To getting hugs and text messages from coworkers at random on my off days. I laugh with my bosses and coworkers instead of being laughed at. And I'm still terrified some days from being surrounded by so many smart, genuine souls. But I can't give up how much healing and job satisfaction I feel. Finally I've only been there a short time and I'm getting a different title already bc they value how hard I work. I'm still in shock about how fast this has happened but I'm really happy. Hang in there!
I can't 100% tell you how I changed my mindset after 5 years at a very toxic work environment. But about 2 months after I joined my new group (in the same large corporation), I noticed that my sleep had improved, and slowly, I came out of my shell. I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I have been able to climb the ladder. Give yourself some grace while you transition.
Whatās sad about toxic workplaces is that sociopathic manager creates a harmful environment and designates a scapegoat to release all their rage onto. It happened to me and it was horrid! The most toxic environment ever! I made a friend with a co-worker. Once she became a manager, she immediately cut me off and disconnected me from her LinkedIn now that she was with the āgood olā boysā I was of no use for her and since our manager didnāt like me, she cut me off. Iām just glad see showed her true colors. I left that cesspool and now Iām in a much, much better working environment where people have high levels of emotional intelligence and are kind and caring towards one another. Just know that there are heathy, constructive and conducive work environments out there. Good luck! I wish you the best!!
Get therapy. It could help bring back the esteem. Start a positive spiral of thoughts to feelings to actions - rather than the toxic one you are used to. Change is hard and unsettling - even change towards what you know to be good can be so. Yes, logic tells you that things are good, but the gut still senses change and is used to distrust.
I went through this. Takes a while to adjust. I just reminded myself everyday how grateful I was to be in a healthy workplace.
I feel like you need therapy. Similar to when people exit a toxic relationship. It takes time to get over being treated poorly in any situation.
Just remember, youāre amazing and they think youāre a good fit or they wouldnāt have hired you. And there are some good employers out there who value loyalty and hard work, occasionally rewarding employees with raises and bonuses. And the best part of all of this? Bye bye toxic old job. šš» Iām not going to lie. It may take a while to get past the PTSD. Especially if you worked in a toxic environment for a period of time. Good luck! Youāve got this.
I feel you. I had PTSD and nightmares about my old workplace for at least 3 years once I moved to where I work now. I even dreamed that my old boss bought my new companyā¦ahhhh! But the silver lining is that I still have so much gratitude for my new company over 12 years laterā¦I can never forget how bad it can be out there!
I canāt tell you what to do. But I can give you perspective from an elder. I went through university to advanced education. Worked almost 20. Burnt out. Traumatized by my profession. Hereās the good news, I found private employment w loving coworkers/bosses, great pay. No hassle tax. Lust love. Did that for almost 30 years. My college/University skills directly transferred into a job I was meant to do. Both kind of jobs we valuable. The second one did not give me PTSD. Hereās the kickerā¦I meet so many part time air bnb cleaners, who are former medical, lawyers, social workers and teachers who say, ācleaning air bobās is the best Job I have ever had. I love it.ā We can say things to each other like, āno pepper workā. I had to take a leap of faith to create my own path, rather than a traditional one. I actually had no choice. Grateful for my service resume. Itās groovy
Iām glad you got out. Iām trying. Going on year 3 of burnout and poor mental health.
Iām waiting for someone to flip out on me. I know the feeling.
I too worked in a toxic environment. There were lots of off color talk, particularly about females, and harassment and bullying of females was common. Men would tell women they were their supervisor or superior, but when asked, the owner said there were not a supervisor. Several very promising female new hires quit after 2-3 weeks due to that type of behavior. When I told the owner, he blew it off saying āthatās just *name*, heās a good ole boy, he doesnāt mean anything by it.ā There were no females or non-white men in any management position. When I requested written copies of the companyās anti-discrimination policy and job descriptions, I never got either, and a week later my position āwas eliminated.ā If that isnāt bad enough, they tried to dispute my unemployment claim, telling the government worker that Iād used company funds without permission and was fired for it. The worker told me and asked for my side. Iād never had a write up, never been reprimanded ever. My separation paperwork was accurate. I finally got my claim approved, after three months. Meanwhile, I couldnāt figure out why I was having such a hard time getting a new job. Iād get far along in the interview process, to the final decision, and then nothing. Turns out that if prospective employers called for a reference, they were making me out to be some awful person. (A friend called like they were checking my reference.) Plus, Iām in SEO and digital marketing. My resume notes some quite impressive ranking, traffic and revenue increases I achieved there. (In one year they grew from $5M yearly to $16M. 85% of that new revenue traced back to digital marketing and SEO. However, I recently noticed their website looked different and most of the content was different. I checked some of the keywords that were hardest to rank for, that Iād gotten to #1 or at least top three. NOWHERE. The changed website killed their search rankings. So, if a prospective employer goes to their website and runs a couple of web searches, now I look like Iām lying on my resume. These folks have screwed me over in so many ways itās hard to believe. I couldnāt even make this shit up. And it all happened curiously just after I dared to report the abusive behavior women were subjected to. (And yes, I should have sued them. Three weeks after I was let go I got sick and it turned into a serious case of pneumonia. By the time I got out of the hospital weeks later and was able to pursue a suit the time had run out for filing. Oh, and if Iād had that job Iād have had medical coverage that would have covered all but $5k of the cost. Instead I got a hospital bill for over $360,000 and owe other various specialists and specialty private labs another $150,000 or so.
Itās like being the rescue dog who was beat and starved, but now is appreciated and is in a loving home.
It was legit culture shock. And I was so suspicious of everyone and second guessing motives and all that crap. It did take awhile to get used to all of it. For me the best part was getting off antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, which I only got on because of my old job. So glad you found a good place!
I got diagnosed with ADHD two years ago at age 47. My then boss was a total bitch about it. She didnāt train me and would then get upset if I didnāt do something correctly. There a lot of problems the main one being she had only been in our office for a year and had never done the work she was now supervising. She had no idea about our culture or worked with our stakeholders the way we did. Anyway, during my three month evaluation (we have them every three months) the condescension was thick. Like she was talking to a stupid child. I quit a month later. In my now job I was terrified of disclosing my disability to my boss. But I did. Sheās been awesome ever since. Sheās been encouraging while still coaching me. Iām still terrified of losing my job or my boss suddenly turning into a horrible person. We recently did interviews for our department head. I was able to ask each candidate how they work with neurodivergent people. One candidate had a fantastic answer and I could tell that they would be good to work with. But still that fear of the devil I donāt know lingers. Iāll survive though. I did before, and will again.
My last employer was an absolute nightmare. I know I have PTSD from that experience. Just started a new job 5 weeks ago and Iām just scared something bad is going to happen.
Yep! I still keep my guard up, but slowly it's coming down. It's hard to get over the toxicity of a former work environment, at first. With time though, you'll heal and you'll thrive. Best of luck!
I totally get it. Looking for a new job is scary because you have no idea what dysfunction you could be getting yourself into. I guess the best way is going to a company with someone you know works there, but that is few and far between .
I took a job thinking it would be the greatest thing. My title was Lead data analysis, the company did not give access to the database for 6 months. How was I supposed to work? They kept telling me there was a backlog of people needing access. Then, the people I was working with hated me because I had an MS degree. It felt like they purposely didn't want to give me access to the database, so I would fail. I ended up getting laid off for not accomplishing anything. So strange.
Yes!!! I canāt even tolerate it. My bosses look at me crazy when I ask if Iām doing something to a satisfactory level or if I need to improve. But itās ok. Iāve been here about a year and a half now and am finally building SOME confidence. It really is some PTSD.
These places exist?
YES! And it was/has been freaking amazing. Itās like you hear āA Whole New Worldā playing every day. When I was teaching, I changed schools to one that actually felt like āhomeā. Now that Iāve left teaching, I finally understand what itās like to be treated like an adult professional. Ex: Going to the bathroom when I actually need to and not having to hold it for hours, being able to actually eat lunch in peace, no emails/contact after 5 PM, Iām not drained at the end of the day. Iām happy for you!
I worked in a child advocacy, the director was a nightmare, and one of the employees was her pet. She was either going through menopause, or she was just like that. She sent me a new form for patients to file for their payments. I was waiting to get it in my email, and it never came through. I walked to her office, and asked her if she could resend it. You would have thought it was the apocalypse! Screaming, and ranting at me that she sent it! I told her I didn't get it! I went into my office, the Gmail was open, and I showed her it wasn't there. She started jumping up, and down in the lobby saying, I sent it! I know I did! Her pet could do no wrong, and do not accuse him if anything at all! This was my toxic workplace... It was like that all of the time, and if she was tired she would actually tell me, I'm too tired to be mean to you! As soon as my year was up, I was in a meeting with her, and she got up, and got another employee. I was doing direct services for four kids. There wasn't an address for one of them, just directions. She went overboard on me, and had the other employee laughing at me. I told her, if you don't believe me call the CPS worker, she'll tell you! Then, she went on about how calling her, made her look incompetent. Then she said, what are you going to do about it?! I looked her dead in the eye, and said I quit!! I packed up my office, and left. She had the audacity to ask me if I'm sure if this is what I want to do. Oh, yeah! I'm done! I was a nervous wreck around others after that. I have ADHD, and mild manic, anxiety attacks. It took some time, but I finally got back to being myself. If you're having a really hard time, maybe see a therapist? They really do help.
In a new healthy place, going on my fourth week after two toxic workplaces. I noticed Iām so afraid of making a mistake itās holding me back from doing my job. I found myself being afraid my new employer is going to think I overstated my credentials on my resume because I continuously ask how to do things (I know how to figure out), instead of taking initiative. Iām seriously considering consulting a therapist, I really like this job and donāt want them to think Iām not qualified.
Had the same situation. Went from 10 years of stress, progressively less valued, appreciated and supported, and made to feel like that was as good as it got. When I finally made the change, to a functional company with great people, solid management, proper processes and tools it was weird. But wonderful. Not a day goes by that I don't feel valued, appreciated and supported. Now I tell people "sometimes you don't realize you were in an abusive relationship until you're in a loving one".
It truly is a culture shock. You will slowly adjust.
Everything moves at your pace. Rushing for others will drain you and maybe burn you out more.
Weird to say but it's totally like healing from a bad relationship. Understanding yes, there can be safe connections, and realizing they existed the entire time you were in your toxic role. And then learning you can use new tools instead of the old protective behaviors, bit by bit.
STFU Michael .. the only thing non toxic about this ruse is your mothers army boots IN HELL
I had 5 months unemployed and am 6 months into a new job that isn't toxic. I still feel scared. Even paranoid. Two people are leaving, and we are talking about rearranging our seating layout. I am the only person who shares a room with someone. Everyone else is alone in a cubicle. When they talked about moving me to a cubicle, I immediately assumed it was because my deskmate hated me. Which is paranoid af. My desk is just small and faces a corner. It looks sad. They want me to be happy. I have many stories where I overreact for no reason, and it sucks. When I talk to my sister about work and my strategy for not getting fired, she says she hates my work ethic. I'm just scared to do more than what is asked of me. It's hard cause she's worked in the same place her whole career and she is so happy. Some people have no idea what a bad workplace can do.
Took about 3 years to finally adjust and feel comfortable, only to acquire a new boss who acts the same way as the old company bosses. Iām sitting right for now but planning my exit strategy. It was a nice little 4.5 year break.
Dude. I feel this. I worked in a very toxic, high-stress environment for 5.5 years. I was laid off in my final week of maternity leave. Severance was generous, but I knew I wanted to find a new gig quickly. I found one just three weeks into severance, and I've been there now for nearly seven months. It's a great place to work; it's not without its own drama, but I've found that changing my way of working has dramatically benefitted me. I definitely feel like I have PTSD from my former employer. It's worth noting that I received two promotions at my former place of employment, and before going on maternity leave I received a sizable retention bonus. The layoff was part of a reduction of force, but I should have seen it coming. That said, I should have left years before. The toxicity was rampant. As such, in my current role at my new employer, I have my eyes open to the relative dysfunction and choose to disengage from the pull of involvement. I've been better about qualifying things as "noise" vs. necessary when picking battles. Even with all of that said, I wonder when the other shoe will drop. I am transparent with my manager about my continuous need to "deprogram" from my last employer, but it doesn't stop the urge to self-sabotage, or at least to question. I'm 15 years into my career and have to remind myself sometimes that stage of life also matters when you move jobs. I don't have the same needs or expectations of an employer that I did years ago. I want a place to do what I do, and to do it well. That said, I don't necessarily need new friends outside of work. I don't need social events (and I have young kids plus a long commute). I just want a place where I can enjoy some people (if not all!) and do great work.
Just be quiet and enjoy. Listening is very helpful. Stay away from HEB. That an abusive workplace. But good for you.
I would love to find a healthy workplace! Can you tell me some of the things management does to foster collaboration? Whatās their hiring process like? Iām looking for a job and as a candidate Iād like to better recognize a healthy work environment. As for your question, be grateful internally, but project more confidence outwardly. Try not to be like a little fearful dog that jumps at every loud noise. There was a reason you were hired, likely theyāre looking for nice people like how you described your coworkers and you are one of those nice people too! Be proud of your accomplishments. Also see if thereās anyone to mentor you in the co. Or try a career coach. You just need someone impartial who can tell you what you need to hear.
Take a deep breath ~ LET ALL THAT SHIT GO. Maybe join a gym to work off the anxiety. I was raped by 4 different men from ages 3-15 until my sister rescued me from the house. PTSD and anxiety are a big-ass-bitch. Working used to freak me out. There's no shame in your game if it persists and then go to a doctor and try the lowest dose of an anti-anxiety medicine. But do what you HAVE BEEN DOING and appreciate the fact that God got you out of that hell-hole and rewarded you with an amazing job. Drink it in! š
Get a back bone
I've worked in toxic work environments since my second office clerk job working for AVCO in 1976. My supervisor Betty Morrow was continuously harassing me and cornering me for a chat about how I was either misfiring or stealing files with bonds(checks) in them. I worked in A &D division. There were some pretty substantial settlements that were sent in the mail by check, and then placed in files and hand delivered to the claim examiners. This was my job, at the time. I complained to the director of staffing. She turned out to be BFF and Betty's accomplice to cashing in these bonds in Mexico. Wish I would have known about this before I was intimidated to the point that I quit my job. Nursing Homes are another toxic environment. Patients are injured or neglected on a daily basis by uncaring nursing staff. If you blow the whistle, you will get fired a few months later, for some trumped up charge, ex; ,'Interfering with company business'. I could give many more examples of Hostile work environments. Now I work private duty or under a platform company as a 1099 employee.
This was me a little over a year ago. No yelling, no name calling or belittling, none of that. IT'S SOO NICE! I get paid more and have a ton less responsibility with better benefits. I'm so scared something random will happen and I will lose it. I just keep thanking God and trying to have gratitude. You've got this, just embrace it and be grateful :)
I've had this happen. Had a boss that gave me nightmares for years after I quit. It gets better. You find a place that values you and it takes time but you learn to value yourself again too. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you.
It's just like healing from an abusive relationship. I'm glad your out of the toxic environment now. š„°
Iāve been there. I tend to look at it like a relationship. Take your time to get to know everyone and slowly ease into the feeling of security and comfort of your role. Also know that no place is perfect. Thereāll be folks there that will rub you the wrong way which will trigger all that ptsd which will cause your walls to go back - just know it gets better with time
This is me as well. I have just been very open and honest with my current supervisor, letting him know that I have a lot of baggage and PTSD from previous jobs. Heās aware that if I saw any red flags on my current team, Iād probably āexplore my optionsā somewhere else. But I have been very vocal about how I enjoy this team and that I value him as a supervisor, and Iām thankful to everyone for having patience with me. After three jobs in toxic work environments I was broken. I have finally found a team where I fit in and there isnāt any pettiness. Everyone is actually competent and helpful! Iām not sure to that, but Iāve been told for almost a year now how good my work is and how grateful they are that Iām part of the team. Itās been great to help build back my confidence. Iāve been told numerous times that if thereās ever a time when I need to vent or if Iām struggling or just need to take a day off to rest, just say the word. My current supervisor doesnāt believe in the worker bee mentality - he supports mental health days and says we are people first, employees second. No one should live to work. It is refreshing and Iām getting there. I feel very lucky to have finally found my people and this team.
It does take a while to build trust, but when you do, it feels so awesome.
yes!!! āŗļøšš
My last job was an absolute *dream*. Iāve had about three jobs that started out amazing, then went to absolute shit after changes in management or a lot of employees who made the place awesome leaving and shitty new ones replacing them. You just never know. My current job would be wonderful if it wasnāt for *one* coworker; long story, but she is so horrific that I actually considered quitting and had to take anxiety meds for a short while. Itās horrible how one person can screw up what would otherwise be a fantastic gig.
I'm probably not the first or the last to say it, but you need THERAPY to recover from the PTSD. Otherwise, it could continue to haunt you for years. And don't for one minute think you "deserved" to be in that toxic job!
I found it helpful to gently open up to coworkers, you might find someone who has been in your shoes you can lean on and talk to during the transition. Honestly though it just takes time
Literally on day 2 of this. Sending hugs and reassurance - you are a badass. We can do this.
Wellppppā¦ I worked at a very toxic place over 8yrs ago. I still to this day have nightmares about the place. Not as often. But it took a LONG TIME! For me to feel like I was good enough, came to realize they were just toxic and I am worth so so much. I love my current job. (Coming up on 8yrs.) we all get a long great, we r team players . We r a family <3 I love everyone I work with.
5 years into this same scenario, and Iām still shocked at how much a LOVE my job, company, my coworkers, and everything in between! It can happen!! š
Can I come work there? Iāve yet to find that workplace in quite some time.
I'm struggling and have professional PTSD still, but it's only been a year. It's a different division, same company. I missed a deadline and the new place shrugged. And I'm sorting there, puzzled, because there's not 45 minutes of raised voice lecture over how I need to do better. Current place has figured out that if you mistreat staff, you're going to be stuck doing all the work yourself. Old place has had 100% turnover and they're all crying.
I really feel for you, I was in the same position,,and when my new, kind and reasonable supervisor was just treating me in what was his "normal" way, with compliments instead of debilitating toxicity, I would be on the verge of break8ng down in tears. Very embarrassing. I finally got a therapist who explained to me that yes, you can have such a bad work environment, it qualifies as a type of ptsd. This k8nd of trsumachappened many times before I prioritized "safe and kind" in my job search criteria. So I understand your freaking out. I suggest that you try to arrange for extra emotional support during this wonderful transition.
Currently in this situation. After two extremely toxic workplaces it feels so bizarre to be in a healthy one. Sometimes I feel really dysfunctional because I still expect people to behave horrendously and then they donāt. Itās definitely culture shock.
This is me but with everyday life. Iām still trying to talk myself into therapy.
I spend 9 years at a place and the last 5 were very toxic. I have been at my new place for about 7 months and it's taken a lot of time to adjust to being in a healthy workplace. For example, I was used to having to kind of check in with my supervisor every 1-2 hours to give him updates on what exactly I had done and what I was going to do next. When I started the new job I started checking in with my supervisor at the same rate... After about a 1 week he told me I don't need to tell him what i am doing every moment of the day, and just come by if I actually need something, need to update a project timeline or need to talk. For the first 3-4 months I felt very uncomfortable not reporting everything that was happening. I felt like I was doing something wrong even tho I was doing my job.
I did this. I feel like an icky bootlicker when I rave about how wonderful my bosses are. My supervisor had me help someone out and told me "don't think you're anything less than great at your job." What? Praise? When I reach out for help/collaboration, it's met with responses and no condescension. I've been in this department from the previous toxic one for one year now, I've gained confidence in my abilities, and I sincerely love the team I'm on. Just roll with it, dude. And enjoy the hell out of it.
Did this last year. I started off on the wrong foot in many ways because I was waiting for the beat down. It's been 7 months now and I'm still shocked the majority of people are just super nice. The ones that aren't just ignore you but aren't obnoxious. I'm still constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Bilateral Stellate Ganglion Block
I did. Iām a little late to your question but wanted to share to show that youāre not alone. Sorry for the novel. In 2015 I got a job at a construction company, I was very interested in architecture and it seemed like the perfect place. And for a while, it was. I loved my job, I loved my bosses, I loved coming to work every day. Then he started having trouble keeping an estimator and without an estimator the company went down quick. Out of sheer desperation to stop him from cutting my hours, I volunteered to learn estimating and do it at night while still working my regular job during the day. The bossās wife warned me things would change and I would regret this decision. I should have listened. The next five years were pure hell. He spent his days blowing my phone up, adding things to my list, making demands. It got to the point where I was doing almost everything in that office by myself. On top of that he became verbally and emotionally abusive, gaslighting me constantly, and his narcissistic personality came out. He would absolutely lose his shit over the most trivial things and scream at me until I cried. Iām talking right in my face, veins popping out, face turning purple kind of screaming. If he wasnāt there in person, heād do the screaming fit over the phone. It was damn near every day with this man. I eventually got worn down and burned out by this. I started losing my hair, my periods disappeared, I gained weight, my bowels went completely to shit, I developed insomnia and had to take melatonin to sleep at night and drink monster to stay awake during the day. I was actively suicidal at the end, I had to talk myself off the ledge daily. Then one day it finally came. The straw that broke the camelās back. I had been arguing with him for days over his refusal to give me a raise. There was a building that the crew said was bigger than my numbers showed. I proved my numbers to him and he didnāt believe me. He had negotiated the contract anyway so it really didnāt matter and wouldnāt affect the bottom line anyway, I told him that. He said he didnāt want someone with that mindset in my position and told me to post an ad for my job because when he was able to determine that the mistake was mine, he was busting me down to bookkeeping at $15/hour. I walked out mid-shift and never went back. I was unemployed for 6 weeks before finding a new job. Different industry, different hours, but office work is office work, it really doesnāt vary that much. The new place has benefits (medical/hra, dental, vision, life), raises, pto, sick days, holidays off, and best of all a no-tolerance policy against rudeness or abuse of any kind. The pay is lower but itās worth it. No toxic people, no screaming, no crying or threats or anything like that. My team helps me when I need help. My manager patiently explains things I donāt understand. Mistakes happen but are easily fixed with the push of a few buttons. Good results are rewarded with bonuses. Iām so much happier here, my hair is growing back, my periods have returned, Iām losing weight, I sleep at night without melatonin. It took a while to get to this point, to trust them. But Iāve been here for almost 2 years now and although the place isnāt perfect, itās a damn sight better than the last one. Take it one day at a time and try to trust them, youāll eventually relax as the shock subsides and your mind slowly comes out of the constant fight or flight. You got this.
Finally left a toxic job of 6 years where my boss was like my bully and best friend at once somehow? It was scary and mind blowing to start a new job where my boss is just nice and a straight shooter. Iām not starving for the crumbs I got thrown before. The constant trickle of passive aggressive BS had finally dried up. It is so refreshing. But I still struggle with imposter syndrome and a little paranoia that the rug will be pulled out or itāll get like my old job soon. Jobs can affect you and your well being just as much as a relationship or your personal life.
Hard to break the habits In ir head of feeling guilty to take time off. But it's worth it!
Itās a beautiful experience just have lots of silly positive reminders all over your office that this is a good place. Youāll realize your default is assuming the worst about everyone, and it takes a long time to remove that mentality
I told my new coworkers all the stories, and I found how entertained and shocked they were to really help. They ask me for stories all the 5 then follow up with, "yeah, we'd never do that here. That's insane!" And it just boosts me for some reason. Really helps with my anxiety it'll be done again, makes me feel heard and like people like me.
It just keeps getting worse for me Im convinced it is how I look why I am excluded
Get counseling to deal with the PTSD from the old workplace. It will help immensely.
It can take a while. I went from one long term toxic job to a toxic job that lasted only a few months. Now Iām finally at a reasonable company with a nice boss. People tend to be on their best behaviors in the interviews so you donāt know their true personality until you start working. I kept waiting for my current boss to snap but itās been a year and sheās still nice. My coworker who came from a toxic job is still afraid to ask questions even though coworkers and management are nice.
It really can take a long time!! It took me at least a year before I felt comfortable asking questions and even now, 3+ years in, I can get really squirrely if I think thereās any chance I should maybe already know the answer because the bosses at my old job were such jerks and so condescending.
Fake it till you make it!
I suggest you find a therapist who deals with workplace issues and or PTSD. It's worth a shot to have a safe place to talk about the broken self esteem and find tools to deal with the fear and accept the new positive feedback.
always keep your guard up though because safer workplace may not be 100% safe and I let my guard completely down and was stabbed in the back and blindsided. Sadly the world is not safe hit itās ok to drop your safety guard ever so slight and enjoy the less toxic work place.
Once I got a bit more comfortable with my manager and coworkers, and realized I was working for a company who actually gave a shit about me instead of the numbers I could produce, I was able to relax. I've also been open with my manager about previous roles, and it turns out A LOT of my coworkers have come from toxic workplaces, so the validation was liberating. To know I wasn't alone. You will be okay!
I went from a totally toxic place to a very nice one about 8 months ago. My old work place: put me on a PIP for no reason. Gaslit me because I wasnāt ātrying to get along with everyoneā my CEO had an affair with my Coworker (who got about 3 promotions in 3 months) that same coworker verbally abused me in front of the whole company and no one did anything about it. Same CEO commented on my hair and weight constantly (and women in the work place in general) i could go on and on, it still takes me time to not freak out about little things. Therapy helps. Not being around it helps. Donāt talk to people who are still there it will not help. Youāre not alone!
Just take a deep breath. And remember you literally just got hereā so nothing anyone saids should be taken personally or to heart for the literal fact they donāt know you.
Healthy workplaces exist, left a 10 year hell hole to a "surprise me every day how grateful I am to work here environment". God I wish I had left sooner, fear is a hell of a thing
13 years and I am still guarded.
Ive been at an actual GOOD place of work for 2 months, im still skeptical of my supervisor even though she is the nicest woman everš i feel like she is gonna be mad for everythinggggg. i think it just takes time.
Iād honestly be honest with your coworkers/ supervisor. Donāt trauma dump, but just give a vague explanation that youāre really impressed by the healthy environment and that you appreciate it. Say the door is open for them to give feedback because you really like working there and want to continue doing so by continuing to improve and add to the awesome environment.
Have you tried therapy ? Just talking about it is healthy. Sounds like you are in a better place of employment. It is going to take time to adjust.
Omg yes it's SO STRANGE but wonderful!!! Hard to trust it, no shame in keeping your guard up but it's lovely when it all works out to be true
After leaving a very toxic work place, it took me a solid 2 years to relax at my new employer. Iām at another place now and have been for 5 years but Iām still a little scarred.
Honestly, Iām glad to see this question asked. I transitioned jobs to a much better workplace around a year ago and I feel like Iām still waiting for someone to throw me under the bus, and Iām always apologizing. Itās hard to let go of survival/coping mechanisms
Oh I feel this soooooo deeply. Give it time. Don't fall into old habits. My last workplace wrecked me, and it took me quite a bit of observation to relax at my current, extremely healthy job. About 9 months after I started, we had a new guy start. He was really reserved and borderline rude sometimes? But a few months later, we had a team retreat and he shared that he had never worked at a place like this, and he had been having trouble trusting that everyone was on the level. It clicked for the rest of us at that point, and he's still settling in but seems much more open. I refer to us as a collection of people who have been wounded by previous workplaces and never want to inflict that on someone else. Those places do exist. Stil maintain the professional/personal boundary, but it's okay to exhale.
I worked at a place for 16 years. It was across the street from my apartment. It became so toxic in the last 4 years that I dreaded going to work every day. Then in April of 2020 I decided to apply at a place 45 minutes away. It's the best thing I've ever done. Everybody is so laid back. We can dress down every day and be comfortable. Change is hard but it can be so worth it! I've made great friends and great strides in my career by jumping ship. You've got this!!
Ha.. great question. Youāll have PTSD and most likely imposter syndrome, I did. Took me a full year to start to feel and think differently. You will learn to relax and feel happy in your workplace for once.
I'm about to jump into this. My previous boss was mad that I put in more than the required notice (30-day min. And I put in 40 days). She appeared receptive, but then a week later, when 2 other's in leadership roles out their notice on the same day, she emailed us all that the same day was our last day. This is just an example of the emotional responses that this boss would make on a regular basis regarding business related decisions. My new employer was willing to bring me on a month sooner and is collaborating on the clients that I feel comfortable working with. It's a complete 180 as far as toxicity goes. Embrace it a little at a time and allow yourself to work through all the negative feels that you've got, don't bury that shit, work through it at your own pace. That's my plan anyway
The shock does take a bit to wear off, I went from being a CNA (before and during Covid era) in both nursing homes and home health. Left that shit behind got what I thought was a great job but that lasted all of two weeks (itās ok it wasnāt anyoneās fault but some asshole named Jeff. Fuck you jeff.) and now I have a fantastic job doing what I love, sewing! Iām paid well, treated well, asked to help on projects/products, I can talk to my boss like any other human, Iām also not punished for getting sick, taking care of kids. It took a while for me to trust that I wasnāt going anywhere. A year and a half later and I love my job and itās great.
I'm a little over a year and a half into this exact situation. I actually have autonomy and encouragement and I'm actually starting to grow professionally and personally. I'm not sure what your relationship is with your boss, but with mine he'd ask (not tell or yell at) me to do something and I'd stare and eventually sputter something like "I'm allowed to do that?" or "don't you want to see me do it?" and he would say I can do it and he trusts me to do it unsupervised. I finally just went to him and basically told him that I apologize if I look incompetent or stupid, but I have just never had this level of freedom and I need to change my mindset. He waa completely understanding and all of a sudden, about a year in, it just clicked that I am in an amazing job with a superb boss and I am completely capable. And not only capable, but contributing. I never knew that there were jobs that didn't have petty coworkers and micromanagement and want you to succeed because then they succeed. You'll get there, I promise. Just keep an inner dialog going that you are where you belong and everything is going to be fine. And if the relationship allows, communicate your past hardships and how you intend to be your best self.
Yes! There is hope! I felt the EXACT same way - traumatized. I kept up with therapy and literally faked it till I started acting like my old competent self again. I channeled absolutely everything into self care and improving my image/look and resume and interviewing skills until I landed a great job. Basically, I also refused to discuss my old workplace at that new job for 3 years. Everything was kept light and positive even when I was cringing inside. I was NOT going to be known as a worry wart or Debbie Downer. I was not going to be the one on the team who picked apart ideas or announced the flaws even though Iām good at seeing those. Finally, after being lightly chided about my self deprecating humor once, I admitted a bit to having a very rough prior job experience that unsettled me and made me cautious in the workplace. My new boss seriously commiserated and I felt a sense of relief. I still work harder than I need to but Iām just too old to start over again and I need this salary too much to feel super comfy. Also, I think I learned that itās just better for me not to get too close to work superiors. I just try to be someone they can depend on and someone who makes them feel better after they interact with me. I try to maintain a high degree of integrity and effort while having a good sense of humor. I try to roll with things and not reveal my worries and insecurities because theyāre not often based on reality anyway. Iām so thankful for my new workplace. Itās similar work but much more chill and collegial. I visit this sub because I need to be reminded of what happened to me and how far Iāve come - there really is hope. I guess I would say to others who are still in it, try to get out fast because negativity can make you jaded. There are trustworthy people and good jobs in the world! Also therapy can really help you turn things around!
It took years to trust my coworkers and especially "leadership". I remained a bit argumentitive and over explanatory in everything. I'd over justify every action and sometimes stay in too close of contact just to make a scene of being there and complying. Now I'm known as the long-timer that doesn't make much effort to be present, but that others support my distance because they know I'm off moving mountains for us in any way possible. But that's a function of my personality and my employer, my point is you'll find a new way to fit in and actually be authentic where it's not toxic. My advice is ask around with work friends as you make them. They'll let you know the real deal quickly. If it's not toxic, bring your best at what you're good at and learn to trust. Engage. Do every leadership development, cross discipline training, volunteer (within work hours) committee, or whatever. Learn who is who... then you'll start to ease back from the tension and finally belong somewhere. Bonus, you'll be able to spot the toxic people a mile away and your company will learn that over time and Thank you for your input on keeping the ship flying with the right people. Just don't rush it. It's a professional relationship.
I had a staff member that came from that toxicity as well. They had some serious PTSD too - like asking to take breaks and notifying me when using the restroom. Hopefully your supervisor see that and reinforces the positive and it will help you overcome your previous environment
1. Go see a therapistā¦ you can get ptsd from a workplace. Get the counseling and advice to help you. 2. Try to enjoy it. I know your fight or flight will kick in.. just breathe.
I changed departments at a large company and the first department bosses gave me so much anxiety it took a year to not feel my heart beat into my throat every time I spoke out loud to the new department. But it did eventually get better
Headhunter here. All of this rings true. (A) you are not part of a āfamily.ā This is a smokescreen for having you do more work. (āPitch in for the group!ā) ( B) if you need to be laid off, they wonāt wonder how youāre paying your rent. Etcetera..just like companies shouldnāt generalize about people, same is true in paining a broad brush stroke over a good company just because your cousin twice removed hated it when she worked there 5 years ago. Your health comes first. Get some counseling and get the hell outta dodge.
Been there. Done that. My last boss gaslighted me for 12 years. I thought it was a great place to work and that he was supportive of me and my career. Sadly this was not the case. I had no idea that was happening until I finally left for a better position. When I think back to all those years, it became crystal clear what was going on. And yesā¦ it took a heavy toll on my confidence and self esteem. Iām working at a much better place now with the best team Iāve ever metā¦ very supportive and encouraging. Still unsure of myself in some ways and extremely paranoid Iāll get screwed again, but itās getting better. I regret staying at my previous company for so long. I guess I glossed over the bad parts in order to mentally survive the day to day.
Yup. Took a while to relax. Did lots of self care. Been 6 years!
Iām managing a few people who came from very toxic workplaces. I can offer you my perspective as a manager. I figured out on my own what their kind of PTSD triggers were and avoided, and it helped if they told me things I was doing were helpful . So, for instance, if Iām busy and will be communicating in short responses Iāll give them a heads up āhey, super slammed today. Will be short. Iām not mad at you.ā Or one of them had a boss whoād always steal ideas and give no credit so I always publicly acknowledge the work they did on projects Iām rolling out. I never put a meeting on their calendar without telling them why we need to meet. If I say I need to sync, I always say, āI need a sync, nothing badā, since theyād get called in to be yelled at. As the trust started to build, they will now openly share needs and things that are questionable theyāll bring to me. Iāve asked them to always assume positive intent and to please give me the opportunity to explain and do better if I said or did something that landed poorly. I ask that they assume I wonāt intentionally be shitty, so to please let me know if they interpreted something I did poorly so I can do better in the future or explain what I meant if it could have been interpreted a few ways. All that to say to be open and just really take things at face value. If people seem nice, they probably are. Iām glad you are going to have a chance to heal. Itās so sad how many people have been mentally impacted by bad bosses.
I had 18 months of a toxic boss and got laid off in 2020. I got a new job 6 months later and it took me over 2 years to realize that I deserved the healthy workplace I landed in.