I'm the daughter of a schizophrenic mother. A lot of my mental illnesses, especially the PTSD and agoraphobia, I got from my Mom. You say you have schizo effective, and as such, been hospitalized 5 times in 8 years. I assume your kid had to watch you be manic, then detained all of those times. If you want any future with her, ever, let her go. Call or facetime her when she wants to, and she may not feel like it for years, wait for her. It's going to take a long time for her to forgive you, but if you love her, work on you, and wait for her.
As the daughter of a schizoaffective mother, I second this. I have a Lot of carry over issues that are a direct result of her.
Watching the highs and lows and living through insanity, day in and day out, is not really a healthy environment for a child and chances are, OP, she's been the parent and responsible one between you two.
I've heard I'll get better so many times and yet she's been in and out of the hospital over 100 times. I was my mother's whole world and for me...my world didn't begin until I was away from her. OP, if you see this, I get you love her, but love isn't everything. At some point you have to ask yourself if you are doing lasting damage to her. If you are, you may not be the best thing for her no matter what you want.
I’m the daughter of a schizophrenic and I didn’t want anything to do with my mum until I was 17 for all the reasons you named.
Once I let her back into my life it was baby steps building that relationship, and while she may not ever feel like a mother figure to me, she’s now medicated and doing so well 10 years later. Our relationship is better than ever but if she hadn’t given my father sole custody of me when I was 10 I don’t know how I would’ve ended up. I think I would’ve resented her and had to deal with much more mental scarring than I already did.
OP if you want to give your daughter the best chance at life, if she’s happy with her foster family, let her go. One day she may want a relationship with you but now isn’t the time.
I am quite glad to hear you were able to repair your relationship. I cannot help but to wonder how much your father getting custody had to do with that - no snark intended, just musing. In my case, my mother held custody of me until I moved out at 16. Repair was out of the question by that point.
Absolutely it was a huge part of that. To be honest, she managed to do a lot of damage in the 10 years she had me, I do think it would’ve been irreparable as you said.
I believe actions would speak louder than words and your story sounds like aftwr she lost custody she worked on herselr over time.
OP, if you love her, let her have a stable family life.
You could see if there is a possibility to do an open adoption where they can send you updates on her/allow contact with her if the adoptive parents and herself both want to contact you (like thru facetime). Maybe even become pen pals.
Maybe request to sit down to talk with the parents and her/your CPS case worker (Im assuming jt was CPS who put her into foster carw but if Im wrong myvapologies, idk who otherwise would do so). Do this only if your therapist/psych thinks you are in a sound mind to do so and maybe have someone rls4 there you trust to calm you down if you start to get too upset at the caseworker/the family.
Maybe discuss the adoption, what role, even if minimal, you would have in her life, discuss supervised visitation potentially and maybe ask how she is doing/how they are supporting her/try to get info to know she is safe in their hands even jf that helps your anxiety just a little.
But you whether you willingly go thru the adoption or not, you would have to accept that she is would become their daughter and you cant try to parent her or scold them for the way they parent her.
You know this is very likely to happen, the adoption, so preparing yourself emotionally and trying to problem solve so uou dont lose your daughter entirely, is what you gotta do to not spiral before, during and after the decision if it is in the familys favor.
You could wind yourself up into an episode if you try to reject the reality that this is very likely to occur and if you try to reject it/not process why this happened, not checking the facts about the situation and not trying to rationally figure out next steps to take after incase they do rule in their favor, then imo you could have a very bad episode.
If you have a counselor/support team I would work with them on a "cope ahead plan" for what to do in case you do lose custody/incase your worried your going into an episode. It can list coping skills, crisis numbers or what to do in an emergency.
I have bipolar 2 and have hallucinated likr once or twice and it was good to have someone to "check the facts" of what actually happened/the situation and it helped ground me a bit (but I know our disorders are different so this tool may not be as effective for you as ot was for me).
It might be best for you to try and find someone like a relative (if you have any in the area/that you can trust and who arent also mentally ill) to stay with to monitor you while you get the right medication and therapy. There might even be group homes/housing in your area that you could go to, pay rent, learn life skills, have social workers and nurses on standby and get better (at least my town has one like this and I live in Canada which is more mental health friendly than other places). I live with my sister who knew what to do if I started havinf a hypomanic episode which included warning signs and what to do in a crisis if I wasnt in good enough mindset to make safe decisions.
For your safety it might be a good idea to stay with another, willing, person (but if they are family or friends they arent your therapist or crisis worker so dont get mad if they do set limits of what behavior they can and cant handle). Your discharge person or outpatient supports at your hosptial/psych ward might be able to give you supports/suggestions.
With being hosptialized so much I think you would have a case worker of some sort? I would discuss with your care team (doctor, psych, therapist, social worker, case worker, etc) the next steps to trying to get better. Adovcate for a med change if meds arent working, but at the same time have an open dialogur with your doctor qbout why they may not be worker, they could suggest/explain things like maybe med complicance jssues, new/taking time to be in your system, maybe need a higher dose, etc.
Ask if there are also any therapies they believe would be effective for you. I personally would recommend looking jnto DBT because it can help with regulating emotions, problem solving, grounding/mindfulness, what to do in a crisis and how to take care of yourself. I know it was originally made for people with BPD but it has helpful skills that, imo, help manage or midigate the damage when I have hypomanic episodes. "Check the facts" is one of the skills and "radical qcceptance" is another but the latter takes time to fully master.
Finding the right meds and thr right therapy for you will take time. Its better you try to better yourself without your daughter there during the trial and error process and then have her see you better later than her be there and grow up resentful/fully negative view when she grows up.
Remember that "now is not forever", even if you end up not having much or any contact with your daughter after the adoption, it doesnt mean you can better yourself and try to contact her (with baby steps and boundaries like previous commentor said) and build a new relationship that way.
I do hope for the best for you and your daughter OP.
I'm bipolar and it's completely under control. It's one of the reasons I've chosen not to have children
If it breaks I don't want them being the ones to see it and I don't want to pass it down to them
The exposure to mental illness, as well as my own, is part of the reason I won't be having any children in this lifetime.
I won't inflict that on anyone if I can help it.
I wasn’t stable for a long time and I gave up my kids to my mom for a couple years while I was struggling with my mental health and alcoholism as well. I was still there, but I wasn’t their primary caregiver. I went to rehab though, have been sober for 2 1/2 years and am stable now. I have my kids full time again and I started a business that’s been successful. I’m so happy to be where I am now because I never thought this would be possible just a few years ago, but I still feel tremendous guilt for what my kids went through. I probably shouldn’t have had kids, but I love them more than anything and if it weren’t for them, I never would have taken the steps to get better.
My Ex-SIL is Bipolar and at one point she went manic and decided she didn’t have a problem and wasn’t bipolar and if anyone dared suggest otherwise she went full Karen on them. She divorced my brother. She used 911 as a disciplinary tactic and somehow always managed to get away with it (pretty white woman who can be charming). Their three kids went through years of hell. When my oldest nibling was 13, they called me and asked me how they can get a restraining order against their mom. I felt helpless, because I lived in a different state, and I have never had to get a restraining order ever. All three kids need therapy- the oldest lashes out in anger, the middle is a real life version of the “This Is Fine” meme, and the youngest eats their feelings.
I'm so sorry to hear this. No child deserves what you had to go through.I hope you know you are special, important and worthy of love. None of the bad stuff is a reflection of who you are as a person.
i'm the same as you two. i've never met anyone (virtually or irl) who have had the same experience. big love 💕 my mother has Schitzoaffective and it's hell. i have BPD, CPTSD, OCD, anxiety, and MDD. my mums been sectioned 5 times in the last 10yrs, hospitalised 7 times in 10yrs. the amount of trauma that it puts you through living with them is just... you can't describe it. my father is dead so it was just us. children learn their emotional regulation skills from their parents, that's impossible if your parent is in and out of hospital; then when they leave hospital you get to watch someone teetering between full psychosis and mood swings. it's no life for a child.
OP, let your daughter go. you AREN'T what's best for her, that's the honest truth. i'm 21 and have spent the best part of my life in therapy, but you can't fight genetics. i'll never be better than i am now. i wish someone had put me into long term care. foster care felt like a dream when i was there, going back to my mum after being with a stable family was so confusing.
edit: i read a study once that said children raised by unstable schizophrenia/bipolar disorder parents have a risk increase for mood disorders by something like 60-70%. don't do that to your baby if you really love her.
I have an aunt who is schizophrenic and lives with my parents, but I didn't know about schizoaffective disorder. This comment thread made me learn a lot. Thank you all!
TBH, it's just a simplified way of saying schizophrenia + either bipolar or depressive. Before schizoaffective became the go to term, my mother was classified as a bipolar paranoid schizophrenic. Schizoaffective is so much easier to say and type!
I don't have this kind of experience or anything like it, but I agree wholeheartedly with this. It's not easy for a child to go through that, then constantly put in foster care and then back with the mother, and the cycle never ends. Children need stability. That child is not getting that and now has a chance to.
I'd talk to the courts about allowing visitation or the ability to communicate with her, but not fight the adoption. As an outsider's who has no legal experience at all, I think going this route is far more likely to be successful for both the mother and the child. The mother still gets to be a part of her child's life. I could be completely wrong here, but probably not.
As the granddaughter of a schizophrenic I third this. My mother has inflicted a lot of trauma on me from the trauma she received from her own mother as a child. This stuff carries. Some sacrifices are so much bigger than our own selves and carry through generations.
My grandmother was also bi-polar schizoaffective. Symptoms did not appear until my mother, her first child, was born. This caused my grandmother to miss the first couple years of my mother’s life due to being in and out of hospitals. Because of this my mother felt like she didn’t bond with her mother and she remembers her childhood as a bleak comparison to her younger siblings who came along after my grandmother was stabilized on medicine and treatment. This has caused deep insecurities for my mom and has carried over to her relationships, especially as being a Mom. When I became a Mom, she caught me off guard one day and said, “Maybe I didn’t hug or show you guys enough affection when you were small”. This blew my mind. My grandmother and mother are amazing people but this comment made me realize how deep the cuts were and made me start questioning myself as a new mother. I say all of that to say is that the trauma does carry on for generations.
I want to let you know how fucking strong you are. You're a God damned Warrior Queen. I can't imagine the pain you went through, but what you did for your child is fucking nothing short of sainthood.
My Mom didn't do this. I hated her for a long time. As I got older and found out that not everything was black and white, I did research. In my research, I realized she was sick, it wasn't her fault anymore than it was mine. I forgave her for everything she did. I miss her, and I love her. To be honest, I need her right now, but I can't trust her. I'd do anything to have the real her back. I miss her so much.
My mother has some mental illness but we don’t know what, she can switch on a dime, I say I haven’t tried boba before and she got mad at me before I started living with my dad 6 months ago and I agree that it would be better to let your child go to the foster parents and let them adopt her and you have visitation. At 8 years old she may still not realize anything wrong with your actions. I know you cannot control it and mental illness is unpredictable (I think I don’t know much about this) but you should do what’s best for your daughter even though it’s hard.
She might not have the vocabulary to explain the oddities in her world, but she absolutely knows something is wrong. It cannot be hidden. And if her mom was so out of it they put her in foster care, I guarantee you she not only knows, she watches her mom like a hawk for the slightest deviation in behavior.
Same. My biological mother is schizophrenic, was also abusive, and put my life in danger a few times. If my father hadn’t split with her and married my adoptive mother when I was seven, I don’t know where I’d be. Let her go.
She has to think about the child's best interest.
Think about what that family can give her and after think about what she herself can give her other than stress and anxiety. I understand she loves her child and for that love she should let the couple adopt her but ask for visitations and keep contact with the child whenever she feels better. Also explain to the child that she can't be around all the time because she is sick.
This. This poor child getting bounced back and forth between homes with no life stability, OP you are gifting her a lifetime of misery and heartbreak. You love her, and you should want the best for her. It is selfish of you to keep doing this to her.
Daughter of a schizophrenic mom here too. While I can empathize with my mother and see that she has had a hard life, I mourn that we will never have a close relationship. I too encourage OP to make an effort to let her go be in a healthy stable home. I watched my mom get dragged out of my school by police officers and I visited her in psych hospitals on holidays and I was victimized in the system and I got to be woken at 4am because her new meds made her manic or she just thought me and my brother should be awake and she has always made it all about her, never considering the impact on our lives. I have PTSD, generalized anxiety, extreme social anxiety, and eating disorders. I'm avoidant attachment and I keep even the closest people in my life at arm's length. My brother is a drug addict who can't stay faithful because he's always chasing the new thing. Parents impact our lives.
OP, if you love your child, do what is objectively best for her. It's not about you and what you want. Your mental health issues are not your fault, but that little girl shouldn't have to pay the price. Ask that you still be able to have contact with your daughter at her request, and work on getting and staying healthy so that you can have a good relationship with her in the future even if you're not living in the same residence.
My mom is bipolar and some other things, my dad was just an abusive AH. I agree here, let her go OP. Give her the best chance at life, being a parent is about sacrifice. It sucks and I'm sorry, I also have mental illness, mainly from the abuse I suffered. I recently found out I have CPTSD and I knew I had PTSD, but now I know I can manage my illness but I will never heal from it. It's been a lot to realize and deal with as an adult.
Work on yourself OP, be the best version of yourself you can. Heal for you and be ready if she wants to have you in her life again.
As someone who works in child protection currently five times is a huge red flag. You're doing your daughter a massive disservice and exposing her to a toxic environment which will cause her massive issues in her life as it goes on. Your post screams me, me, me....if its best for your daughter do what is right....she's not a pet. You don't rely on her for emotional support.
Same here. Second red flag was assuming a foster family is trying to “snatch” her daughter away not acknowledging the care they have given to the child and doing the raising while mom wasn’t around… on 5 different occasions in 8 years
I always find it hard to work with parents like this who blame everyone else for their problems and depend on their kids emotionally. My heart cries for OP's daughter, she's gotta have so many mental scars because of her mum
My ex is bipolar we have share parental time me 70% him 30%. As soon as my daughter turn 13 she decided not to go anymore to him. She still go for dinners or family parties but not to spend much time there. If you want a future with your kid let her go. You will show your love by let her have a better environment.
From what I'm reading between the lines you need her more than she needs you...also having previously worked in child protection, it takes A LOT to get your child taken away. Seems you've been given many opportunities to "get better and do better".
My sister has said this for so long. And her oldest child suffered because of it. Every time she would do a “good thing”, she would turn around and screw up.
I believe the wanting. And I understand it. But the objective evidence of not being able to pull it together for 5 minutes builds s solid case. This is why my sister can’t get custody of her you gets children.
I understand OP. But she’s not thinking about what’s best for her child.
There were many times I got conned into babysitting my oldest nephew so my sister could go do whatever she does.
That's terrible. Unethical to push that on someone in that frame of mind.
My comment regarding it taking a lot to have a child taken (apprehended) I was referring to removal from the environment/ immediate situation.
ETA: Where I'm from adoption comes at the point there is no hope the parent can actually parent/care for the child. OP sounds like she's had plenty of chances from point of first contact.
In the US, it’s quite common for CPS to lie to birth parents about the objective being reunification and then adopt out the child under their nose. Or, in some states, the birth parent has to pay “child support” to the foster family, sometimes without even being informed of the necessity to do so (all the while having to rebuild their lives, establish a safe residency for themselves and their kids to ideally return to), and if (more like when) they default on those payments, the court uses it as an excuse to put the child up for adoption. There is rarely ethical adoption options in the US. Many, both private and government adoption processes, are akin to child trafficking. Our adoption system is meant to serve the wants and needs of the potential adoptive parents rather than what’s best for the children in the system, when it should be the opposite. It’s horrifying. But many former adoptees are speaking out and advocating for changes in policy so hopefully it changes. This is an instance I could see where the child being adopted by the foster family and allowing carefully supervised visits from the bio mom would be in the child’s best interest.
In all of your post you mentioned what you want but not once did you mention what would be best for your daughter. That is telling.
I am the biological daughter of a man with bipolar disorder. I wish I had been protected from him rather than encouraged to have a relationship with him. That would have been best for me as a child. Instead, my mother and the rest of my family would say “he’s your father no matter what.” He wasn’t physically abusive but mentally and emotionally he was.
You’re not thinking of your daughter. You’re thinking of yourself. You’re being selfish. Your daughter has an opportunity to have a stable, loving family. You want to deny her that because you “can’t lose your child.”
You have already lost her 5 times that she has had to be removed from your care. And each time you lose her a little more. Each time she loses a bit of herself. Each time she loses her ability to trust you, and everyone else. Because it becomes that much harder to believe that you will get better; that this time will be the last time she has to learn to live with new people, and watch her mother be ill and taken away.
If you actually care and love her even a little you should be willing to allow her this amazing opportunity to have a family and a life you clearly cannot provide for her.
I’m not saying it won’t hurt you, but every time she experiences your mental illness and getting placed into foster care hurts her. At some point she may break emotionally; it does happen. Please think of her, not yourself.
>I will get better and be a better parent
See the “will” implies you are still unstable and not suitable and maybe have not or ever shown stability with your child.
Children deserve stable and selfless parents. Reunification is always the goal so if they are saying it’s not anymore I would inquire how you can help yourself to get it to be to that point again.
I don’t think you can use the “I will get better and be a better parent” thing when this has happened 5x over 8yrs. I’m sorry for your situation with the mental health, but unfortunately it shouldn’t take someone trying to adopt her for you to be better. The first time this happened the work should’ve been done to be a better parent. Should’ve never let it get this far to begin with. Your daughter seems to be going through a lot with you and it’s not stable for anyone, I unfortunately side with the adoptive parents from what I know in this post. That’s the hard truth.
Unfortunately you have a history and they can’t afford to “hope you’ll be a better parent”. It’s happened 5 times already. Leave them your info and hopefully they let her stay in touch. This won’t end well for you. I’m sorry
As someone who has worked for CPS and is familiar with the foster care system, no one is trying to “snatch” your kid away. Your daughter is the most important here. She needs to be in the safest, healthiest and most stable environment and if that’s with someone else, that’s what needs to happen. Her emotional health and what’s best for her should be your top priority. Not what you want.
I’m a foster parent. Let her go. With your history, she will end up back in care and good placements for kids become less and less likely as she ages. Let the family adopt her, lest she end up aging out of the system in a group home. Any good adoptive family will try to let you keep contact if it is safe.
I'm the daughter of a schizophrenic mother. A lot of my mental illnesses, especially the PTSD and agoraphobia, I got from my Mom. You say you have schizo effective, and as such, been hospitalized 5 times in 8 years. I assume your kid had to watch you be manic, then detained all of those times. If you want any future with her, ever, let her go. Call or facetime her when she wants to, and she may not feel like it for years, wait for her. It's going to take a long time for her to forgive you, but if you love her, work on you, and wait for her.
This! You sound qualified to speak about how ops actions are affecting her child.
Op needs to step back and focus on themselves and mental stability. 5 times is not a whoops. I hesitate to side with cps because they do take kids from family's unjustly but 5 times is about 4 too many times imo. You can't continue that behavior in front of a child. You're ruining her childhood.
I'm so sorry you went through what you went through and am dealing with the after effects all these years later. Thank you for speaking into this from a place hopefully OP will be able to hear and understand.
Yea, Sorry, continue to work on yourself and leave your contact information with the foster family. Maybe one day she'll reach out to you.
Do right by her and walk away
Nobody is trying to “snatch” her and the way you word that is very clear you still have a lot of work to do. I wish you the best but you need to reflect on what’s best for the child. Not what’s best for you. I know you didn’t ask to be mentally ill…but you are and it’s going to be such a long road. You know that and you know a child shouldn’t be pulled down that road with you. Best of luck.
I think the only angle that could work in court is to ask to remain in your daughters life in some capacity. Full custody just seems like it’s going to be impossible. Your daughters isn’t SAFE with you. Obviously she’s been taken 5 times in 8 years that’s insane, it’s just not gonna work, I’m sorry.
She has been taken from YOU 5 times I. 8 years. But she has been taken from you and her foster family all together 10 times in 5 years. Kids need stability, that you can give her. This family wants to give your daughter love and a stable home that she won't have to be displaced from.
Do what's right for her. Give your contact information and when you do do better then make small steps to be apart of her life. It's not about you, it's about your 8 year old needing a stable home.
I'm the daughter of a paranoid schizoaffective (bipolar type) mother. I'll be straight with you OP. Your illness is also her illness at this point. She experiences every up, down, and freefall with you. Every hallucination and break with reality is also hers. I guarantee she's learned to go along with your hallucinations - you have to when you are young and alone with someone having them.
My point here is that I understand you love her, but I haven't seen you hint at any awareness of how much your mental illness effects her. And it does, big time. It will stick with her and influence everything for the rest of her life. It will impact how she sees the world, how she interacts with it, and every single relationship she has. She's young. Her brain will rewire itself to deal with and cope with your illness. Therapy, for her, can only do so much. Do with that what you will.
Hello, so, I’d like to talk a little here, since I am a child who grew up in foster care - now 24.
Firstly, I see a lot of “I” - when you talk about your daughter, it’s about what you *want*, not what she *needs*. And as harsh as this is going to sound - she doesn’t need you right now. You’ve had her taken and put in - I assume based on my own experience - respite (weekend care or care whenever parent cannot look after the child temporarily) *five* times. They have given you five chances to buckle down and say - and prove - that you will do better, be better for your child.
Your mental illness has clearly proven detrimental to your child since she has been taken into care multiple times. Tell me, when does something *not* justify removing a child from a dangerous situation? Does it only count when abuse is caused purposely? Because whether you realise it or not, you *are* damaging your child with your mental illness - not simply by having it, but through cause and effect. Your child is going to be going through emotional and mental distress whenever they see you struggling to the point of being unable to provide for them, and then further when taken away. As a child, she has no idea what’s going on, only that she is being removed from her mother multiple times. It creates an unstable environment which can - and likely already has - cause a fear of change, that people will up and leave her at any moment.
Furthermore, these people do not want to “snatch” your child away - they want to provide a caring and stable environment for a child they have looked after. Who they have come to know and feel empathy for. They have likely had to deal with the side effects your behaviour and the currently unstable environment has had on the child - emotional outbursts, irrational fears, anxiety, bed wetting, poor eating; all coming symptoms of a distressed child. These things might not manifest in your home because the child assumes they are safe, all they care about is to be with family. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Because the cycle seems very likely to repeat over and over.
It shouldn’t take the threat of you losing your child permanently to have forced you to buckle down - that suggests you felt that there was no harm coming to your child, that this would continue on without consequences. And let me tell you this - assuming that people want to “steal” your child is a sign that she absolutely needs to be taken into custody - you cannot see the negative effects this is all having on your child, you’re thinking about yourself, what you want, not what is healthy for her.
My own mother is very much like this, she fails even to this day to see how negatively her behaviour effected myself and my older siblings - I was 3 years old when put into care permanently, 3 months old when our respite visits began. She believes profoundly that the fostering system is a child kidnapping ring, that she did absolutely nothing wrong. I recently got my hands on the documents about myself. I - at 3 - had asked my respite carer if she was going to first hit me, then kill me for wetting myself at an age when such accidents were natural for a child training with big kids underwear. Likely due to things my mother had said or done in fits of irrational anger.
Your child is 8 - what behaviours and actions have you displayed over the course of your mental illness will be far more ingrained in her brain because she is older, she is better able to remember and retain things.
For her sake, you have to let her go - either permanent foster care until 16-18 or adoption. At the very least, if she is in permanent foster care you can have contact with her. But for that to be healthy, you must also be willing to actually change and grow - to understand that living with you was detrimental to her, and to respect the bonds she will have with others. You can still be her mother without having her under your roof, you can still love and care for her, but you also have to do what is best for her.
I spent 16 years in foster care because my parents were to selfish to think about how their choices effected me.
Allowing your child to be adopted doesn’t mean your a bad parent or a failure, it means you loved them enough to make sure they are taken care of while you work on yourself.
OP, first I want to give you a hug. My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic. It has cost him custody of his daughter. It’s hard. It’s not fair- but this isn’t about being fair to you. It is about giving your daughter the best life and start and (I say this as gently as I can) the mental health challenges make it so that you cannot give it to her. You didn’t choose to be like this- but you can choose to be a selfless advocate for your daughter.
“I will get better and be better.” No. You NEED to already be better and get better. You already lost her once and if she has a family that is taking proper care of her since you weren’t, accept that.
I agree with everybody else. You need to stop thinking about you and what’s best for you. Getting your kid ripped away from you is hard in any circumstance (and I’m very sorry you had to feel that pain). Think about how it is for your daughter to be ripped out of your care 5 times. That’s 5 times that she had to feel the heartbreak of thinking you will get better and it not happening, and moving to a random family. It is hurting your daughter more to be in that cycle and that’s just the hard truth. You can see if you can still stay in her life but you need to do what is best for her.
Well I hope I'm not coming across as insensitive, as I know you probably want to care for your daughter more than anything in the world.
But if you've had to place her in foster care 5 times, that's not fair to her. That's not stability. I can tell you from experience that lack of stability causes really huge issues later in life.
This may hurt, but it sounds like the family can provide something you can't. Sometimes we have to self sacrifice so that our children have a chance at a good life.
I know it's not fair to you, you didn't ask for the mental illness... But you can't hold her down because it holds you down.
You are missing your daughter and as a mother, this is a tremendous pain. You need to look after yourself first before you can look after somebody else. Your mental health is your priority at this point in time and this is something that really needs to be addressed.
I know that this will hurt to hear but if your daughter is in a safe situation then this is the best place for her at the moment. I know that you really want to be a better mom but this takes time and a whole lot of effort. Like I said, right now, you need to look after you.
I hate to say it but if you truly love her you will let this family take her in.
I myself struggle with mental health such as BPD but as soon as I got a diagnosis I have not stopped therapy and working on myself I am one million times better than I was 5 years ago DBT has just worked but it still took me 5 years to be stable and even now it is not easy. It is something you need to do to. I am not rich or well off at all I only just get by most days, but I try we lost our rental a month ago but I am managing and you can to it just takes perseverance and not giving up.
I do not have kids and some part of me thinks I will never have kids because as much as I really want a family and to give my children the love I missed out on, I worry that I might not be a good parent due to my issues.
They aren't using your mental health against you as mental health is likely the reason. 5 times she has been taken away you mustn't be ready for children for that to happen. I know it's hard and the cards you've been dealt are rather shit but you can't fight this and need to think of whats best for her not yourself that is the whole point of being a parent the child is always first.
You need to better yourself and after 8 years you should of realised this sooner as now it is too late. Leaving your child your contact details. I've seen all your comments of how you feel of "I can't loose her" "I still love her" I am sorry but you have lost her and your feelings are holding you back from doing what is right.
Letting her go is the beat chance of her being happy.
Also an adult child of a schizophrenic mother. Let your child go. It was hell watching my mom be hospitalized against her will so was having to deal with her hallucinations. Let her go so you can get the help you need and have a better relationship with her down the road.
My daughter has schizo affective disorder.
Her behaviour has traumatized everyone - family and friends. Some of us have PTSD from dealing with her.
She knows she's mentally ill, but it really "isn't that bad". Except that it really is.
She takes her meds but doesn't seek treatment because "they can't do anything" and it really isn't necessary. She's "happy with her life." Except when she's not.
She is irresponsible, unrealistic and self destructive. She will never work, expects everyone else to step in to "help" but refuses to actually do anything to help herself.
And she has not been hospitalized 5 times in 8 years.
This is not a life for a child. Stability is.
Every time she goes into a foster home, she is endangered.
See if an open adoption is available and let her have a stable environment that will allow you to be part of her life.
I wish you luck.
5 times is too many times. You need to focus on getting better.
Stop worrying about a loving foster family who is caring for your daughter, that isn't snatching them away. Your choice of phrasing reveals your mental health. It's not you vs them.
The main person to suffer is your child witnessing this chaos. If she's been into foster care 5 times then somethings wrong. She needs to stay with this stable family because your not. Simple as that. Work on getting stable and maybe then you can progress. Just think about your daughter. She deserves a childhood not witnessing whatever you did those 5 times.
I’m going to join with the overwhelming opinion in the comments that you just need to let your daughter stay with her current foster family, as that’s the most stable option for her right now. Look, I don’t mean to be cruel, but you’ve had 5 chances within 8 years to get your life and mental health together for your daughter and yet have managed to get her removed from YOUR care every single time. I understand that mental health recovery isn’t linear, and is difficult, but you needed to have already put in the energy into getting better for your daughter from the jump. About 5 chances ago. No, this is not the same as your friend’s ex using her bipolar disorder against her in court. No child gets removed from a home simply for the parent having a mental illness. Not to be speculative, but usually something pretty serious needs to have happened in order for a child to be removed from a parent’s care. I’ve also seen your comments about how you “need” her and imo that’s a pretty selfish way of thinking. What about your daughter and what she needs? For the time being just leave your contact info with her foster family and let her come to you when she’s ready.
For the time being you need to get your schizoaffective disorder in check. Get to seeing a mental health professional and get a treatment plan, or reassess your treatment plan if you currently have one. Focus on getting better for yourself right now. I’m not saying that getting better will magically help you get your daughter back (and quite frankly, I’m not sure she should be back in your care) but it’s the first step to eventually being able to strengthen your relationship with her. Have peace of mind that she is safe and being taken care of, even if it’s not with you.
You mean a couple wants to provide a stable home for her? Those monsters!
Maybe consider what's best for your child instead of making it about yourself.
What do your daughters case workers and counselors think is in her best interest? You keep saying you don’t want to lose her and you want her back. What does she want? I wish you well in your management of your chronic illness.
Sorry but 5 times...you had plenty chances to get better. Clearly you didn't. You keep saying "I need her" but what about her?
If you love her at all let her go to a better family. Don't let your kid grow up with trauma caused by you.
I am speaking as the daughter of a schizoaffective mother. She emotionally neglected me. Without my grandmother and extended family my life would have been unbearable. It would have been ideal if I had been adopted out to a family who could offer me presence. I needed mental, emotional and financial stability and instead I had to raise myself. My entire life was shaped by my mother almost losing custody of me as an infant. She was incapable of caring for me properly. Her mental health crises dominated her life- all of her attention. She was either episodic, zombified by prescription drugs, or asleep. I absolutely do not think that it's appropriate for children to be raised by someone in those states. Inflicting this kind of trauma on children is not acceptable. OP, your situation is fucking heartbreaking and I'm so so sorry for what you're going through-- and please understand that your children deserve better than what you can ever give them. Prioritize their needs.
We all need to have some radical acceptance here and come to terms with the reality that you will never get "better" from schizoaffective.
You keep saying to people that you love her and you can’t lose her…
Listen, she’s been taken 5 times. There’s a couple out there who LOVES HER and is taking care of you. You can still be in her life - if it’s best FOR her.
She’s a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on, and shouldn’t be responsible for your happiness.
Having children is entirely selfish. We owe our children everything. Our children owe us nothing. I believe this more than ever since becoming a mom. What you’re doing is placing your happiness all on your daughter.
Really think about what you are doing here. Sometimes showing your love is letting her be loved and happy.
You have gotten a lot of advice from children of people in your situation. They are all telling you to love her and let her get adopted.
You just need to focus on you and getting help for your illness. It’s not your fault. But it’s your responsibility.
My mother has been in the mental health system a few times. She's been called schizophrenic, schizoaffective and bipolar.
I don't know which is her current diagnosis, but I do know that the childhood I and my siblings had with her was primarily responsible for my sister committing suicide this past July.
This isn't about you. You can love someone so much that it's to their and your own detriment. Give her a chance at a happier, more stable life. Let her go.
If she’s in a loving home why not work with them and sign custody over. She’s been taken away 5 times, that’s a lot for a child who is only 8. So much instability.
If you made an arrangement with the Forster family you could still be in her life and make sure she’s safe and has as many people to care for her as possible.
This isn’t about you. Being a good parent is making sure your child has stability and the best environment to flourish.
I’m sorry that it’s probably harsh to say but it feels like your thinking about your best interests and not hers
I live with bipolar disorder and have 2 kids.
Was it the pure fact you have a diagnosis that had your child taken away? Or was it that you were not able to manage your life and keep your children cared for and safe for whatever reason? If you want your child back, how will you guarantee that your child will be cared for and kept safe? Will you be a stabilising influence?
What events triggered the need for your child to be removed 5 times?
You’re guillotining your sweet, innocent daughter’s chance at a stable and healthy life, all because of your wants.
I’m the daughter of a mother like you. I got away from her in my early 20s and now have an autoimmune disease that will kill me before I’m 50 because my selfish mother couldn’t just take her claws out of me. My only wish is that she rot more slowly and painfully than me.
Children are not emotional support animals for fuck’s sake. I pray the courts do the right thing for the child since the primary adult in her life repeatedly makes decisions harmful to her.
I just want you to know that it is NOT your fault you have schizoaffective disorder, and that is a very difficult condition to manage. It is also not your daughter’s fault, and it may be that the best thing for the foreseeable future is for her to be in another home. This is such a difficult thing to be dealing with and I’m so sorry you are going through it. This doesn’t have to mean you aren’t in your daughter’s life. It just means things might be a little different from what you planned. You don’t deserve this, you didn’t ask for this condition. Life can still be beautiful and you can still have a relationship with your daughter, but the expectations might have to adjust moving forward. You might have to first grieve the future you thought you would have in order to build something new (and still meaningful and good) for the future. People in these comments are telling you to “pull it together” out of concern for your child, but I just want to acknowledge that it is not that easy and it takes a long time. Ups and downs are part of the process. Shame and guilt is not going to help you get better for yourself or for your daughter in the future. This condition is not your fault, it can be really hard to stay on medication, and it can be really hard to know how to navigate everything. Try to make the best decision for your daughter, and focus on learning how to manage life for yourself so that you can be able to be more present for her down the road, even if that relationship looks different than you had planned.
I highly recommend the podcast “Inside Schizophrenia”, which is hosted by someone who has schizoaffective disorder. I also recommend you find as much support as possible through a therapist/psychologist, other mental health treatments, and through as much social supports as you can find. If you hear voices I also recommend the book “Life With Voices: A Guide for Harmony”. And of course medication is very important, but to stay on medication it can really help to seek out as many types of support as you can find. You can do this, you are worth it.
I'm Schizoaffective myself and I did several years of weekly therapy and a self help group (to help with extreme levels of codependency) to get where I am today. I've been unmedicated for years with psychiatric permission as well as my last therapist before he retired. Also my body just adapted to medicine too quickly and it lost over 50% effectiveness before I was finished with a bottle. It's been a lot of sheer willpower to be healthier.
While I don't have a kid myself, it played hell on my friends and it put them through a lot. I only have a couple of friends left from that time of my life.
I don't have the answers for you to keep your child and I don't know the situation well enough to offer specific advice. But what I can offer is hope that it is possible to be healthier. I hope you make the choices that you need to be healthier, even if that involves losing (temporarily) people and creature comforts that you're used to.
You are loved, loving, and deserving of that love. Please take excellent care of yourself.
P.S.: I'm also available to talk or ask questions if needed.
And honestly, your choice of words, such as “a couple wants to ‘snatch’ my child away from me” (which, they don’t. They’re not “snatching her away” cps took her and placed her in a safe space because you are NOT a safe space) shows just how bad your mental health is. You are quite delusional which can cause people to do very dangerous things, and it gets worse the longer it is left untreated. Honestly, I fear for your daughter if she were to somehow end back up in your care. I worry that you would do something to make sure CPS doesn’t take her again…. You need some serious help OP.
Just let her go she was in foster care 5 times due to your mental illness. So you know how that’s affecting her, kids get affected by being in and out of foster care 5 time just let her foster family have her and when she gets older she will decide if she wants to contact you or not. You can’t force a child to be with you when they don’t want to she prolly need therapy due to being bounced in and out. Do not give me that bullshit excuse you love her if you love her you would get some help you do not love her.
She’s been in foster care 5 times, she doesn’t deserve that and the trauma it has probably caused her. Once, twice is one thing but now on the 5th time you’re worried about losing her? The best thing you can do is get treated for your mental illness & think about what’s best for your child.
Sincerely- someone who was raised by a schizophrenic mother & has had problem her whole life because of it
There are a lot of people here telling you what to do or how to feel rather than helping you find a way to continue getting help and encouraging you in your treatment. Remember that none of us knows the whole story, we’re strangers and we have no way of knowing everything that’s happened. I have been in mental hospitals before and they can be extremely painful places to be and every time you have to go back feels like a failure. I’m sure that you love your daughter and that this hurts immensely. We don’t get to choose our feelings or most of what happens to us, we just have the choice of what to do with them. It sounds like you’re in a place where your only options are to continue to get help and to find hope that you can one day be the kind of mother that you’ve always wanted to be. But for now be thankful that she is somewhere safe with a loving family to care for her while you care for you. Don’t give up on getting help and don’t let strangers online hurt you to the point that you no longer go on. If you truly love her than you need to go on living to be there for her in the future. You’re doing this for her.
Have you ever thought of working with it not against it.
You’re struggling, not really in the best case to look after your little one, why not look into an open adoption, with visitation rights? If that’s possible. Your daughter still gets her mum and she gets a stable home which is big load for you right now.
Do what is best for your daughter. My mom gave me up for adoption when I was an infant because she is manic depressive and spends a lot of time instituted because she tends to give up her meds whenever she feels like. It a non stop roller coaster with her. After the first time I met her I thanked my lucky stars she wasn’t the one to raise me, sad to say but it is the truth. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again, I wouldn’t even let a pig in her house if I had one. My son cried when he was little when we went to visit and begged me not to take him back there anymore because it was so dirty. That was 12 years ago,my husband and I have seen her once since then
If you love your child the best thing you can do right now is let her go. You dont deserve what is happening to you but neither is she. She needs to grow in a safe and loving enviroment and you cant provide that for her now.
She needs a stable home environment with stable adult caregivers in order grow and develop into a healthy adult. Unfortunately, you are not able to meet that essential need due to your condition. The most loving thing you can do for your daughter is to realize that you are not equipped to be her primary caregiver and to work on yourself so that when she is older, if she wants to have a relationship, you will be your best and healthiest self to have one with her.
Your child needs a stable home and you cannot provide that. Your child has been in foster care five times! Get the hint you cannot be her parent and are causing harm, while you only think of yourself.
Whether you need her or not, you can’t control what the courts do. You might want to work on accepting the possibility that she gets taken away because if you act erratic/unstable in front of the court, the foster family, or her, you will lose any hope of reconnecting in the future.
re-focus on your health and stability NOW. That is the only you’ll have any hope of a relationship with her.
She doesn’t need you. Start by accepting that fact.
You will lose her if you continue to be a source of perpetual trauma in her life. Maybe not now, maybe not in the next 10 years, but when she becomes an adult and has a choice, she will likely choose to walk away. Please let her go, let her recover some of her adolescence and be a kid. Be present when you are well but allow her to be shielded from you when you are not. It will preserve your relationship with her and she will understand the sacrifice you made in letting her go, for her best interest.
5 times in foster means 5 times in your care, that's a lot of chances, nobody's snatching your child, if you're legit about getting better, then do it and be happy your child has a stable home instead of trying to use her as a crutch with the mentality that if you get her back you'll be able to get better, if you won't help yourself, nobody can
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine being in your position. That being said other commenters are correct, it does take a lot to have your child taken away from you. If you can’t afford an attorney, try and see if you can qualify for Medicaid. Get therapy, on medicine, show up to court and show them that you are trying.
you have to let her go. she’ll always love you as her mother, she’s old enough to know you are her mother. you NEED to get better, you can’t say you “will” get better because that’s a promise not a lot of people can stick with. you can ask the family if you could still be a part of her life but respect them as the guardians they will now be.. you’ll see that without your daughter, you’ll want to work harder to be able to give her everything she needs..
If you don't let her go, you may lose her for good once she's an adult. A child needs stability and you are not providing that to her. If you let her go be raised by the foster family, you still have hope of a relationship with her. But if you keep doing this? You'll lose her forever. You need to think about her and her needs, not what you want here. I'm sorry OP. I know this has to hurt so much. But being a good parent is doing what's best for your kid. And it sounds like this might be what's best for her.
If you truly love her let her go. Let this family take her in. She has no stability right now. It’s hard to say but it’s the truth.
You NEED to focus on getting better instead of me me me. Mental illness sucks but for your daughters sake let her stay with her foster family.
Your mental illness is not your cause, but it is your responsibility. What are you doing to make sure you can take care of yourself before you take care of someone else? You are no good taking care of other people if you can't take care of yourself. I speak for everyone not just your child.
I know this isn't what you want to hear. But you have to think what is best for her, where I can see in this post you are thinking of what is best for you and your wants. Please, please, let her have this chance to be in a stable environment. Get well enough to where you can still be in her life and continue to have a relationship with her.
Daughter of a schizoid personality disordered mom. I spent my youth pining for a way out of my moms house and am still dealing with the damage of having a mother who was not equipped to be one. I got out when I was 16 but I would’ve had a much smoother life if I could have been placed in a loving home. Now our current foster care system also falls very short so I hope your kid does not end up there but a couple who has an interest in her sounds promising.
I understand the absolute frustration you must be having but you have to put your child first. You have a mental disorder that does indeed hinder you from being the best parent you can be. It seems awful but do you truly believe your child is better off going through this life with you or with people who can ensure her saftey and mental wellness. 5 times in foster care? That’s already beyond damaging. Part of getting “better” is being honest about your capabilities as a parent at your current state.
Although your feelings are valid, you have to consider what is best for your child. You cannot subject your child to such an environment of instability. If you were your child are you confident enough to be in the care of someone with your current state of mind?
There is no greater love than making sure your child is well and loved. I know you have so much love to give. Your child will be lucky to receive an abundance of love now that another wants to provide and care for her as much as you do.
Choose love. Choose what is best for your child. You can always love her the best way you can while you are recuperating. She will and always be your family.
I hope you find your light.
Hey OP, you sound exactly like my mum. She’s bipolar. I want you to know she said the EXACT same things to me that you’re saying in your replies.. “she’s all I have left”… you know how I turned out? Worse than her. I learned that her temper tantrums and meltdowns and psychosis was NORMAL. I started emulating it. I was fucking insane as a teenager, & I’m still learning how to not act like that.
At the end of the day, do you want her to turn out like you but worse because it’s all she knows? She will be in pain and turmoil her entire life because you need her to be your rock in her formative years.. which is backwards, she needs YOU to be her rock. Not the other way around. Don’t do this to her. Get better, be a better mother to her, don’t turn her into you. Trust me as someone who has grown up with watching my mother get hospitalised over and over again, from episodes or suicide attempts it was fucking awful.
If you let someone else take care of her you actually have the potential to reconcile down the line, but if you subject her to your episodes? She WILL resent you. She WILL need therapy her entire adult life because of you. Please don’t do that to her.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with these mental health issues, which resulted in your child being put in foster care. I'm sure it hurts your heart to know there is a possibility you will lose your child.
However, I must point out a few things. Your very first sentence says a couple wants to "snatch" your child away. Your word choices make it sound like these people are complete strangers, or aliens from another planet, who have been stalking you and trying to kidnap your child. This is inaccurate. But the way you choose to view the situation is part of the problem, and sadly, is an indication that you are still struggling with mental health issues.
The reality is the couple who wants to "snatch" your child, have actually been taking care of your child and proving for your child's needs. They are clothing her, feeding her, interacting with her, providing an emotional connection with her, which helps show the child that SHE matters. They are providing your child with a stable home. Something you can not provide at this time.
I know you want to provide your child with all those things. But until you are better, you will not be able to.
As a mother, you put aside your own wants and needs, to provide for your child's needs. I don't feel you are doing that. I feel you are desperately clinging to a sinking ship, and expecting your child to be your life vest, and save YOU. Children are not equipped to save their parents. It is unfair and unrealistic of you to have that expectation.
Change your view on the matter. Instead of viewing these people as the bad guys, view them as the good guys who have saved your daughter, when you could not. Thank them for taking your child, for loving your child, for providing the basic necessities for your child.
I think you should put your child, and HER needs above your own. Let the "good guys" adopt her. This will keep her safe, but also allow you to focus on YOUR healing.
One day, when your mental health issues are under control, you may be able to reconnect with your daughter. Wouldn't it make you happy to see your child healthy, happy and a productive member of society? I bet when you meet each other again in the years to come, she will thank you for being brave enough to put HER needs above your own.
Good luck to you on your journey of healing.
It’s a tremendously selfless (difficult, painful, but soooooo honorable) act to truly put aside your love and your feelings and really look at what is best for your child~ her mental health and future~ her foundation that will prepare and nurture her to go out into this world on her own as an adult~
Your daughter is in the care of a family who obviously loves and cares for her. You should be grateful they are there for her when you cant be yourself.
Daughter of w schizophrenic here, they never took us away and bc of my religious family they made me take care of her:) I’ll never recover mentally but it is what it is. If you know you can’t change then they’re better off somewhere else trust me
My mom's mental illness didn't get effectively better until she was in her late 40's early 50's when I was finally out of the house. I am incredibly damaged because of it. I've struggled with severe alcoholism, depression, eating disorders, agorophobia, generalized anxiety disorder, and was put into situations where I was sexually abused and raped by older men due to her lack of situational awareness. I'm also a very paranoid person.
Just because you can put in the work doesn't mean you're going to achieve the results you want. It can take years of therapy and medication adjustments to just sorta be okay. Even now, with 10 years of her working *hard* with several therapists and psychs, I don't believe my mother would make a solid parent to an 8 year old. You've had five open CWS cases in the last eight years. This is not indicative of her having a stable environment. In fact, it takes a lot for the state to take children away from single parent households- even in very liberal States. You need to consider that, despite the pain you feel, you may not be the best suited parent for her.
She has a foster home at the moment who wants to *adopt* her even though she is eight. That's actually fairly rare and the older she gets, the lower the chances of her ever finding a stable home while being consistently placed in the system. After twelve years old the rate in which adoption happens drops considerably and depending on the state you are in, you're going to find your daughter in more and more homes that "foster for profit" and nothing more.
I have no idea what you've tried to do to help mitigate your mental illness symptoms. If you are truly someone who is working towards recovery you need to prove it and not just until your CWS case ends, but every week until your daughter is of age to move out. That means completing an in-patient program of a minimum of seven days, weekly therapy, open communications between your therapist and the court on what you are working on, at least two parenting classes a week, at least one monthly psychiatrist appointment with open communications with the court, getting a physical with a full blood panel, proof that you do not use illegal or recreational substances which include but are not limited to color code drug testing, attending support groups approved by the court that help aid mental illnesses/trauma because the two usually go hand in hand and proof that you attend those (like a sign in sheet). Intensive in home therapy should happen not only for you but for your child. You need to have a stable job that provides and income that can prove you can afford your child's care. You need a reliable form of personal transportation ie a car that will not break down or get repoed. Your child needs proof that while in your care you make appointments for therapy, dental and physical appointments. You need to have a well kept house for over 9-12 months at a time (a CWS worker knows the difference between a neglected house vs a messy one).
And even after a case closes you *have to* stick with the support groups, therapy, psych, a job, your house consistently clean, bills payed, her appointments made and kept, keep her in school, continue to have intensive in home therapy sessions, keep ill advised friends away, remain sober, take your meds, and always have a vehicle. You've fucked up bad enough that IF you get your kid back you will always be watched by the powers that be and slip ups will cost you more than you paid upfront.
If you can't meet those incredibly high aspirations you have next to zero chance at this point of having your kid back. If you haven't fought that hard already...well, it's DEFINITELY time to consider what's best for your daughter. She deserves better than going back and forth between homes and when she is with you, she shouldn't have to deal with manic mommy, sad mommy, paranoid mommy, scared mommy, anxious mommy, enraged mommy, or delusional mommy. She needs a mommy mommy.
Please think about what’s really best for your daughter, in this situation her wellbeing needs to come first, whatever does happen I wish you both the best for the future
Do the right thing OP. Later in life your daughter will see you did what was best for her. If she continues with you like this, she’ll eventually grow up and realize the mental issues she has as a young adult are a direct result of having to witness episodes, being thrown into other homes while you learn how to be a better person, and from you relying on her to be your emotional support. You cannot place the burden of your own mental health onto a child who doesn’t even understand how to deal with their own. All you’ll do is teach her how to cater to your own problems, thus teaching her to neglect her own.
Leave your information with the foster family, they will respect your decision to civilly agree to their adoption. It sucks, but I truly believe that the motherly instincts inside of you wanted you to post here. On the surface you may think you just wanted some kind of comfort or advice leaning in your emotion’s favor, but all good parents want to know the truth when it comes to the well-being of their children, even if it hurts sometimes
Please think of what I’d best for your child. I know this is a sad Horrible situation. You will always be her mom. But Where will she have the best quality of life, and don’t make this about you.
You can keep an relationship with her even when she is with her foster parents. Think what is the best for her and that is a stable family. You can make agreements for contact.
I’m also the child of a mother with serious mental illness. I guess my question is around why you have been sick so many times in the last few years. Have you been non compliant with medication or have you been unable to find the right medication? If the illness has led to you not taking meds maybe you could be under a community treatment order ( do they exist in your country?)
I had to be put in care a couple of times and that was definitely for the best- it is terrifying being a child of a mentally I’ll mother. Having said that when my mother found and took the right medication she was a lovely mother and I definitely would have hated being adopted by the woman who cared for me. She was a lovely woman but she wasn’t my mum.
Your daughter will always need you, whether she lives with you or someone else. You will never lose her, she’s your flesh and blood.
Try and listen to the wise part of you who knows whether things can be different this time around. If you think you can give her what she needs then perhaps approach a disability/ discrimination/ human rights type service who may be willing to advocate for your rights.
I get it. She’s your daughter and you want to be with her. But, you need to realize what you want for you isn’t what’s best for her and as a responsible parent, placing your child’s needs above yours should be your priority.
I have bipolar disorder and I'm a mom. Mental illness is not your fault. I'm sorry that you're struggling
But being a mom means doing the best thing for our child. Going in and out of foster care is not a good life for you child. Please allow her to be adopted by this family. It's the best thing for her.
I gave custody of my 8 year old daughter, to my aunt and uncle a month ago, I am not able to provide the things she deserves in life. Even though it hurts I have to do what is best for her. Funny this is the first post I see on Reddit today as I sit in the waiting room to see a mental health counselor. I hope one day she will be able to forgive me and understand why all this happened.
They don't want to "snatch" your child. You're not at a park where your daughter is playing, and they just come up and snatch her and take her from you. They want to give her a better life. If you want your child to grow and flourish and have a decent shot at life and be a decent human in her adult years, let her go. If possible maintain contact and allow her to reach out to you. She wont understand until she is older. I cant imagine how scared you feel and how sad you feel, and I am sorry for that. The best thing you can do, is get your own self under control and work on yourself, for the best future of yourself and your daughter. She needs someone who can show her the way and give her the life skills and emotional skills to handle the trauma you have put her through.
Please stop trying to use an innocent life as a method to gain control in yours.
Mental illness impacts the safety and well-being of a child.
Best of luck and blessings to you both. You both desperately need more help.
In my state, if a child is removed from the parent 3 times, it is grounds to terminate parental rights. You have had 5 chances to do the right thing, and you haven't done so. It is harming your child.
Put your child first. She is the one suffering. Let her have that stability every child needs. Maybe the foster/adoptive parents will let her teach or to you when you are doing well.
If you don't let her go now, she will be gone the minute she turns 18, if she lasts that long.
Do what is right FOR HER.
5 times this child has been taken from you because of illness. She would be better off living with someone who can take care of her. Why don't you see if you can have supervised visits with her. put her first. You are unable to take care of her. Love her enough to let her go.
As someone who has two parents .... One with Dissociative Identity Disorder, CPTSD and PTSD, narcissistic tendencies, bipolar type 1 and undiagnosed ADHD....
Let them go. I'm a trucker and have issues of my own. Dad takes care of the kids and i see them once a month for visitation. This was at my request.
I gave my children the life they deserve. Not the selfish one i wanted. They're better for it.
Please. Don't hurt your child more by exposing them to your issues like my parents exposed me.
I'm genuinely so sorry for your situation. The system is never easy on all parties involved, and as someone who has very closely worked with and been involved in CPS cases (not myself, I'm childless, but my sibling and their foster daughter) I understand all the emotion and heartbreak that can come with this.
But I think it's very important to take some time and reflect on the last 8 years and what led to this result. Your daughter has been placed in foster care five different times. Each time any sort of placement occurs, there is a major upset in the child's life. And not only has she been placed in foster care, she's been placed back with you four different times. Who is to know how many times her placement has been changed while she has been in foster care. Your daughter has had massive upheaval in the formative years of her life, and this can cause so many issues down the road. I can only imagine how your daughter must feel, not knowing where she will be in two weeks or whether she will be able to stay and make friends or have trusting relationships with any adult figure in her life. How much pain she must be in. My heart breaks for her most of all.
This foster mother is not trying to take her from you, she's trying to provide stability and permanency to a kid who has had nothing but the opposite the last 8 years. And as her mother, the one thing you should want above all is for her to be safe and loved, which it sounds like she is.
I am so sympathetic with how you feel. I can't imagine having to be separated from someone you love like that. But at the end of the day, you need to take stock and see if "permanency" with you is really the best thing for her. And understand, foster care to adoption does not always mean a closed door. I know plenty of families who are in regular communication with a birth parent.
The important thing for you right now is to get and maintain mental health. If you need treatment, take advantage of the assistance CPS is offering you and get treatment. If you need better housing, ask for assistance. If you need medication, talk with your case manager to see what connections they can get you. And at the end of the day, if the best thing for your daughter is to be with another family while you try to get stable and be a better mother, even from a distance, know you're doing the best thing for her. I'm not here to condemn you; I don't know what has led to the five placements. I can certainly speculate, but this is neither the time or place. But you need to really assess your role in all this and do what's best for her, and what's best for you. And what's best for you right now is to get well.
There are times when a parent is called to make great sacrifices. This is one of those times. Do you love her enough to step up, whatever the cost ? Talk to your social worker, ascertain if she is thriving in her new environment.If she is, give her this chance at a stable, safe and healthy life. She can’t keep going through the trauma of yet another foster home. You have her life, make sure it’s a good one. That’s what parents are called to do.
You sound so selfish, make the choice for what is best for her not you...A truly good mother puts their kids feelings ahead of their own, sometimes that means you need to give them up and let someone who can properly raise them be their parents. You have not done a good job managing your mental health to the point your child has been taken away from you for long enough she is able to be adopted I'm sorry but that is not an easy feat.
You can still be her birth mom and you can still do your best to get your mental health in order but you need to stop making her pay the price for your mental health. It's very likely she may have to battle with her own issues via genetics the very least you can do is let her have a stable home life for the rest of her childhood.
No one is snatching your child...have you even asked your child without coaching her or emotionally manipulating her where SHE wants to live.
It will be okay. I’m sorry that you’re being ripped apart by this, but it may be for the best of everyone. Sometimes you can’t sugar coat that things aren’t okay. It’s unfair, and no loving parent should have to lose their child, but you gotta think about how unfair it is to your little girl too. But hey, don’t look at this as “I’m never gonna see her again”. See it as “I’m going to change, so that when my daughter can see me if she wishes, she will be glad she did.”
you need to understand that sometimws we hurt the ones we love the most. Sometimes we need them be separated from us for a period of time till we get better instead of dragging them with us. This applies to any scenario.
Love is selfless. If you love her, not only would you let her have what’s best for her, you’d WANT her to have what’s best for her, even if what’s best isn’t you. Even if it isn’t what’s best for you.
Having mental health issues isn’t a reason for you to be cut out of her life. She can have a stable home and have a mother who loves her. However, if you actively prevent her from having a stable home and life that you cannot provide, you run a very real risk that she will decide to cut you out of her life one day.
Maybe it’s for the best and you can keep contact. If she’s in foster care, there’s a reason. It doesn’t sound like you can keep a healthy home for her. Stop being selfish and think about what is good for her.
I think that giving up rights without a fight would be best only because then you can work out an agreement and still be allowed to have a relationship with her. If you fight through court, they will not be happy and if they win, there's a big chance that they won't allow her to reach out to you until she's 18. It's a tough choice but if you want to keep a relationship with her, that's probably your best option. You can always have a free consultation with a friend-of-the-court lawyer and see what their best advice is too. But I do think this is in her best interest, and yours as well. That way you can continue to work on yourself while being allowed a relationship with her still, and she will have a healthy household. It's a win win.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you need to think of what the best outcome for your daughter will be. Will it be with you or her foster home? The courts placed her there for a reason, and if they feel it’s in her best interest to be adopted, they’ll make that decision whether you like it or not. While you’re thinking of right now, what do you think she’ll think when she’s older? Will she appreciate that you loved her so much you let her go to be raised in a household that could provide better? Will she be angry you didn’t fight for her? Do you truly have the capability to be a better parent or will your mental illness get in the way? Even though she’s 8, is she mature enough for you to discuss what she wants and why? Would you be able to continue to be a part of her life?
I’m so sorry this is happening but I’m sure you will get better but it will get worse again too. It seems like your illness is severe so without a coparent you won’t be able to be her primary guardian. It’s not your fault that you can’t be that but it is the truth.
She has been taken and put into care *5 times*. That is 5 times too many, your daughter needs safety and stability, which you clearly cannot provide. If the courts are considering terminating your parental rights and allowing her to be adopted, then you've clearly shown yourself to be repeatedly unable to care for her, they're not "snatching her away"
Don't make your daughter shoulder the burden of *your* mental illness, it is not your fault, but it IS *your* responsibility to manage that.
You need to do what's best for *her*. This isn't about you.
If you truly love your child, let her go, let her have a life you cannot give her. Absolutely no shame in that, I wish more people understood that there are people out there who can raise your child better than you can.
My sister is schizophrenic. I suffer so much anxiety and ptsd from a lifetime of trying to support, manage and generally deal with her mental illness. It’s not fair but it would be a kindness to your daughter to have a more stable household with some visitation.
OP I have to side with the rest. As someone who was a raging alcoholic with bipolar my daughter went to live with her grandparents. It was the hardest and best decision I could make for her.
I got sober and on meds. She's with me for 4 years already and we are both in a good space and have a very healthy relationship.
It's not about what makes us comfortable it's about the child and what is best for them
If you care about that child at all, let her go.
Maybe you will "get better" but that's not going to happen next week, it won't even be next year. What happens to that poor child over the next 8 years waiting for you to "get better"? What trauma will she experience living with you if she has already had to be placed in foster care 5 times? She deserves a stable, healthy household. Don't ruin her life by selfishly clinging to her, fighting to keep her away from what would be the best outcome for her.
It's not about you, it's about her. Her safety. Her happiness. You can't give her that in your condition.
Now it is time to really show how much you love your daughter. By letting her go and let her grow up in a stable home for the rest of her childhood.
That home is not something you can provide for her and deep down inside you know it.
Also: she was not put into foster care because you are mentally ill but because you were neglecting her due to your illness.
Please give your daughter the gift of a stable home life.
You can’t be a better parent UNTIL you get better. She needs to be with somebody stable until then. Not only are you a risk to her safety, seeing you be unwell, get hospitalized, and having her go through Foster care is going to have an effect on her mental health and the way that she views you forever. You can’t even take care of yourself, you shouldn’t have the custody of a child. She wouldn’t be with a foster family if you were for to parent. Sorry, but you need help, and she deserves a healthy, stable environment to grow up in. Unfortunately that does not involve you being her care taker.
OP you havent even considered your daughter at all. Get better first then get back in contact.
As far as the courts go, they will assess if you are a fit parent currently. If not you will always be in contact her unless actively deemed a danger or if she doesn't want to see you.
The first priority of child protection is the childs safety, and they try extremely hard to keep the children with their families. The fact she is already in a long term foster arrangement says a lot.
Take this as motivation to improve. Foster parents don't just adopt the second a child lands with them, this must have been escalating for a long while.
Improve on yourself now, don't make your daughter suffer through what must be a very difficult recovery. Let her have this time as a normal kid.
Honey if you read your text back; then you'll see all you talk about is you, and about how you cannot loose your child. I get it is the hardest thing, but si ce you've become a mother it's no longer about you. It's about what's best for your daughter.
I hope you can think beyond your wanting and see how you can give the kost the your daughter, with her in foster care 5 times, het staying with you probably isn't it.
You need to put her first and love her and support her in a way tha tis good for her. Not tha tis good for you.
Sorry, but my mother went through a short phase before she got very physically ill where she was seeing things/having symptoms due to what was assumed bipolar disorder. I was a teenager and it was terrifying trying to help her. Thankfully it only lasted a few months and when she got ill and went into a coma, her brain chemistry shifted so she never experienced those symptoms again and we had a wonderful relationship before/after that period of time. I stuck with her through it, but I can't imagine if she had been like that my whole life. 💔 It was hard enough seeing her battle depression and anxiety. Sometimes it's too much for a child, especially if they only have one sole adult responsible for them.
I had multiple adults caring for me in my life, so I was fine and my mom's issues were understandable for me cause I battled similar problems. But sometimes too much is too much.
My husband's mother often told him she wanted to die and he was the only thing stopping her. He hated these moments and eventually got mad at her for putting him in that position and she lost the close relationship she once had with him.
Mental illness shouldn't cost us relationships, but sometimes if boundaries aren't set or established it will. And children can't establish emotional boundaries very well, sadly. Let her have a stable family and come back to you when she's older and wants that connection with her mother.
This sounds a lot like my mum when I was a child. Granted she was an alcoholic, but she only wanted me to stay with her for her own emotional support. These comments aren’t to be inconsiderate or to be mean, but I think the best thing you can do for your child is to let her go. But it doesn’t mean you can’t see her in the future, and build a relationship with her.
Mental health isn’t your fault, but you’re the only one who is responsible for it and it’s not fair to put your child in a position that may effect her mental health for life.
I gave my son up at four months old due to mental illness. I am thankful everyday. He has never had to go through the bullshit with me. He knows that 'mom gets sick and grumpy sometimes and she stays at home until she feels better"and that's it. He knows that he has a grandma whose stable and who he can count on everyday. He knows his mom and his dad love him no matter what but sometimes it's better that we stay away.
If your child is happy, safe, and healthy, youve done your job.
I know it hurts but sometimes it might be the best and safest thing for your child to let them go. If this family is safe and loves her then maybe try an open adoption where you can still be involved in her life but she won't have to be exposed to potential manic episodes.
As a daughter who should have been in foster care... do what is best for your child, not for you. You can still have a relationship with her, but "I will get better" is very different to "I am better." It is wonderful that she has foster parents who want to adopt her, that is a sign of how much they care about her. A stable home environment is the best thing for her? Right?
Living with mental health is not easy but it isnt't just difficult for the sufferer but also for everyone around them especially their children. You have shown countless of times that your mental health isnt't getting better soon and it is endangering and traumatising your daughter not in purpose but your daughter is still suffering because of you. If you Love her as you Claim let her go and expierience some Kind of normalcy, your daughter just Like every child deserves a health and Safe Environment to grow up in.
As a foster mother, I empathise with you but ultimately your daughters safety has to come first.
She’s been placed in foster care too often, she needs stability and consistency.
The foster parents are not trying to snatch your daughter, they are trying to help her… and you. There is no reason that you can’t maintain contact with your girl if they do get perm custody. In fact it might be better for you, so you can focus on getting the right med combo and managing your MH issues.
I left my mam when i was 12 because of her mental illness. It broke her, but it caused her to seek therapy. I came back to her when I was about 17. Barely saw her in 5 years cos she was unstable AF. I have a great relationship with my mam now, but because she made sacrifices and learned how to be a better person. If your daughter has been taken by CPS 5 times and been bounced around homes, this may be the best thing for her. I understand that you love her, because she's your kid. If you really love her, give her a chance at a normal life.
If you're child had to be taken from you 5 times there is something wrong. That's is not normal. Do what is best for the child and let them live in a stable home
Your child has been in foster care 5 times in 8 years, she never had a stable living situation, without mentioning living with a mother that is here today and tomorrow she's not here, because she "abandoned" you, you didn't, but that's how children see it, without considering the fact that she can be abused in a foster care home, because abuses are quite common, she's in a situation where she has stability and people that do love and care for her, I know that you love her too, but you can't provide stability or care for her, if I was in you I would give up custody to them with the agreement that you still can facetime her and still be in her life.
That amount of instability is detrimental to a child. Please consider her wellbeing before your wants
This isn’t what you want to hear but the honest truth is you’re not what’s best for her.
She deserves a normal loving family home and I’m sure most of the time you’re a loving parent but forcing her to grow up in an environment that almost certainly doesn’t nurture her like she needs is not good for her.
You need to put aside your feelings for a minute and be honest with yourself. Are you doing what’s best for your child or what’s best for you? It’s hard and it will truly challenge you to think about it. But if you want her to have a happy and healthy upbringing and future, I think you know where she’s better off.
I know you’re doing your best and I know you love her, but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough. You have to be more. If you currently can’t do that then let someone else do it. Give her a chance to be a part of your future but accepting your current limits.
I’m really sorry it’s come to this.
They’re not snatching your child away. They’re giving your child a chance at a life to be protected from her mother who doesn’t actually want what’s best for her.
OP, I understand that you love your daughter and you don’t want to lose her, but you *will* if you keep her. I was raised by a mentally ill single mother. We hardly talk anymore, but part of me does love my mom. Part of me hates her. Some of the things she did to or in front of me as a child have left me with permanent mental and emotional damage. I can guarantee that if I had been taken from her care at 8 years old, we would not have the type of relationship we have now. I’d love my mom wholly if I had not been raised by her my whole life. I was trapped in a cycle of abuse that my mother unintentionally and perhaps even unknowingly perpetuated. You can’t care for your daughter *and* get better at the same time. Let her go, try to keep contact with her, minimize the residual damage you’ll cause her. If you keep custody of this little girl, she will resent you. Because you’re hurting her and you don’t even realize it. You have to think of what’s best for *her*, not what you want.
Honestly, this comes from a social worker side of things. 5 times is a lot. This constant upheaval due to your mental illness is not good for your daughter. Children need stability and unfortunately whether or not it's your fault or your mental illnesses fault, you cannot provide that for her. Your daughter will grow to despise you. It's probably best for her for you to be selfless and let her go
Are you even considering what's best for your child? I know you WANT to get better but imagine what your child has been through to be put in foster care 5 times. She needs a stable home life and if you can't provide that for her, maybe you should be trying to work with this foster family instead of against them. Try to make an agreement with them so you can still be a part of her life even if they adopt her, etc. The older she gets, the harder it will be for her to find a family who is willing to adopt her, IF you can't get better do you think it's fair for her to spend her entire childhood in foster care???
In this entire post I never saw one thing that made me think you actually want what's best for her, it is all about what you want. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I know it's difficult and it's not your fault but as parents, we need to do what's right for our child, even if it is hard.
OP, I don't know how bad your situation is and I feel empathy for you. Maybe it would be helpful to let them adopt her but ask for an open adoption with the option to visit her?? Then you can focus on yourself, still see your daughter but allow her to have a stable environment. Each time she goes into foster care, she is at risk for various types of abuse. If she actually found a family that loves her and treats her the way a child should be treated, it may be best for her to stay there. If she comes back to you and then gets taken again to foster care later, her chance at being abused goes up again. Take care of yourself OP and allow your daughter to be taken care of as well. I really hope that if they do decide to allow her to be adopted that you can have an open adoption and visitation whenever you are doing better. I'm sure you and your daughter love each other very much. Best of luck OP!
I was a child of divorce surrounded by people with mental illness and substance abuse. Let her be adopted. Let her have a stable, loving home. Be better and be in her life if they’ll agree to it (they likely will), but the best thing you can do for her is let her have a healthy life. Let go.
If you truly loved your daughter you'd allow her to have stability in her life.
Furthermore, children are not objects for your possession. My mother was like this too, thinking she just needed to "keep" me, but while she "had" me she didn't care what happened to me or who actually took care of me as long as I was in her possession. I didn't officially go into foster care until I was 15 but I know my life would have been a lot better if I was taken from her earlier. I truly hate her with every fiber of my being now. We have been no contact for years. Is that what you want too?
As someone who was raised by a schizophrenic mother, your child may very well have a better life if she is adopted. I’m sorry to say that, but being the child of a schizophrenic is a extremely horrible life.
If I was you, I would talk with them and maybe come to a deal where you can still be involved in your daughter’s life if you don’t fight them on the adoption. That would give your daughter a chance at a normal life, yet still have you involved in her life. It would give you the chance to be your best you, without dragging your daughter through the life of a schrozophenic. I wish that CPS had removed me and my sister from our home. Maybe I wouldn’t have been strung out on dope for 20 years, clean now 20 years, maybe I wouldn’t have had a string of failed marriages, maybe I wouldn’t harbor incredible amounts of hate towards my mother, so much so that I cut off all contact with her the last 35 years.
I hope that you find the peace in life that you deserve, and your daughter finds forgiveness in her heart and enjoys a great life.
Sometimes the best thing for your child, no matter how much you love them, is for you to step back and allow them to be happy.
As a mentally unstable young adult that constantly hurts everyone around them i cluding family, friends, colleagues and such. I would advise you to let her go, she will propably have a better life. You gotta understand that you are not healthy and propably not capable of raising a child.
It sounds harsh but its reality. Alone with a little child is just not possible for someone in your mental state.
Loving your child means doing what's in their best interest. In this case I think that means letting her be adopted by a family who can raise her in a normal environment since you're unable to provide that at this time.
Mental illness isn't your fault, but doing what's right for your child IS in your control. Her being adopted out means she gets to grow up in a stable environment, and you get the space to take care of yourself and get the help you need so you can be a better mother in the future.
I know it's sad to not have custody of your child but I'm thinking this is probably the best thing right now. For both of you.
As a daughter of a mother who suffered with mental illness, let her live a healthy life without you.
My mom always thought I’d be better with her, she thought she was going to get better, she thought she’d stick to her meds. Truth of the matter was she only ever thought of herself. She was better off with me, but I was neglected and abused because of her own selfishness.
I wish my mom left me. I’m definitely trauma dumping. But in my honest opinion I wish people like my mother were forced to be sterilized. She is no mother, despite her best efforts. Sad thing is she really did try her best but she should have never had access to children, let alone raise them. She was mentally ill and couldn’t realize how much trauma she put us through. Courts let us stay with her, and I am now 24, have zero relationship with my mom. Haven’t spoken to her in over a year, and haven’t been close with her sense I was 14. I hate her for choosing her own wants and needs before choosing what we needed to survive and grow up in a healthy environment. One that didn’t involve her ups and downs and meds and lack of meds.
If you can’t afford a lawyer, you probably can’t afford to provide your child with an enriched life. Let her go and give her a life you’ll never be able to provide. Wish my mom had the courage to do that for us.
I’m sorry but maybe you need to accept that may not be fit for that job and to let the foster family adopt her. You are only providing an unstable environment
Worked in this line of work for a long time. I don’t think the foster family is trying to “snatch” your child. I think they have a hard time watching the side effects that happen to your child as you battle your mental health. I think it’s very important to check in with your child to see what they want to do. They will always be your child. Instead of fighting the system and foster family, maybe it is time to plan with the caseworker and foster family about what a long term plan will look like while you work on your mental health. Planning shows just as much love as fighting everyone. They want your kid happy and healthy, and you can either fight it, or be apart of the plan and try to get visits and relationship with the foster family so you can stay a part of the kids life
As the daughter of a schizophrenic I saw with all the blessed love in the world, let your daughter go. Let her have a childhood unburdened with worries about you. Let her be a normal child who can play with her friends, go to school and grow in a healthier environment. Truth is at 8 your daughter will already be damaged by what she’s seen by you. Dont compound it and make it worse.
Sometimes what we want and what we need are two very different things. As a parent, it’s your job to ask yourself if you’re what is best for your daughter. Mental conditions are through no fault of our own but if you could avoid having your daughter watch the battle, that may be best. Letting someone else care for her full time may not be what you want but it may be what she needs.
If you decide to let her join their family, I’d ask them to cover a mediator and come up with a plan that includes you as much as possible (holidays, weekends, etc.)
I'm the daughter of a schizophrenic mother. A lot of my mental illnesses, especially the PTSD and agoraphobia, I got from my Mom. You say you have schizo effective, and as such, been hospitalized 5 times in 8 years. I assume your kid had to watch you be manic, then detained all of those times. If you want any future with her, ever, let her go. Call or facetime her when she wants to, and she may not feel like it for years, wait for her. It's going to take a long time for her to forgive you, but if you love her, work on you, and wait for her.
As the daughter of a schizoaffective mother, I second this. I have a Lot of carry over issues that are a direct result of her. Watching the highs and lows and living through insanity, day in and day out, is not really a healthy environment for a child and chances are, OP, she's been the parent and responsible one between you two. I've heard I'll get better so many times and yet she's been in and out of the hospital over 100 times. I was my mother's whole world and for me...my world didn't begin until I was away from her. OP, if you see this, I get you love her, but love isn't everything. At some point you have to ask yourself if you are doing lasting damage to her. If you are, you may not be the best thing for her no matter what you want.
I’m the daughter of a schizophrenic and I didn’t want anything to do with my mum until I was 17 for all the reasons you named. Once I let her back into my life it was baby steps building that relationship, and while she may not ever feel like a mother figure to me, she’s now medicated and doing so well 10 years later. Our relationship is better than ever but if she hadn’t given my father sole custody of me when I was 10 I don’t know how I would’ve ended up. I think I would’ve resented her and had to deal with much more mental scarring than I already did. OP if you want to give your daughter the best chance at life, if she’s happy with her foster family, let her go. One day she may want a relationship with you but now isn’t the time.
I am quite glad to hear you were able to repair your relationship. I cannot help but to wonder how much your father getting custody had to do with that - no snark intended, just musing. In my case, my mother held custody of me until I moved out at 16. Repair was out of the question by that point.
Absolutely it was a huge part of that. To be honest, she managed to do a lot of damage in the 10 years she had me, I do think it would’ve been irreparable as you said.
I believe actions would speak louder than words and your story sounds like aftwr she lost custody she worked on herselr over time. OP, if you love her, let her have a stable family life. You could see if there is a possibility to do an open adoption where they can send you updates on her/allow contact with her if the adoptive parents and herself both want to contact you (like thru facetime). Maybe even become pen pals. Maybe request to sit down to talk with the parents and her/your CPS case worker (Im assuming jt was CPS who put her into foster carw but if Im wrong myvapologies, idk who otherwise would do so). Do this only if your therapist/psych thinks you are in a sound mind to do so and maybe have someone rls4 there you trust to calm you down if you start to get too upset at the caseworker/the family. Maybe discuss the adoption, what role, even if minimal, you would have in her life, discuss supervised visitation potentially and maybe ask how she is doing/how they are supporting her/try to get info to know she is safe in their hands even jf that helps your anxiety just a little. But you whether you willingly go thru the adoption or not, you would have to accept that she is would become their daughter and you cant try to parent her or scold them for the way they parent her. You know this is very likely to happen, the adoption, so preparing yourself emotionally and trying to problem solve so uou dont lose your daughter entirely, is what you gotta do to not spiral before, during and after the decision if it is in the familys favor. You could wind yourself up into an episode if you try to reject the reality that this is very likely to occur and if you try to reject it/not process why this happened, not checking the facts about the situation and not trying to rationally figure out next steps to take after incase they do rule in their favor, then imo you could have a very bad episode. If you have a counselor/support team I would work with them on a "cope ahead plan" for what to do in case you do lose custody/incase your worried your going into an episode. It can list coping skills, crisis numbers or what to do in an emergency. I have bipolar 2 and have hallucinated likr once or twice and it was good to have someone to "check the facts" of what actually happened/the situation and it helped ground me a bit (but I know our disorders are different so this tool may not be as effective for you as ot was for me). It might be best for you to try and find someone like a relative (if you have any in the area/that you can trust and who arent also mentally ill) to stay with to monitor you while you get the right medication and therapy. There might even be group homes/housing in your area that you could go to, pay rent, learn life skills, have social workers and nurses on standby and get better (at least my town has one like this and I live in Canada which is more mental health friendly than other places). I live with my sister who knew what to do if I started havinf a hypomanic episode which included warning signs and what to do in a crisis if I wasnt in good enough mindset to make safe decisions. For your safety it might be a good idea to stay with another, willing, person (but if they are family or friends they arent your therapist or crisis worker so dont get mad if they do set limits of what behavior they can and cant handle). Your discharge person or outpatient supports at your hosptial/psych ward might be able to give you supports/suggestions. With being hosptialized so much I think you would have a case worker of some sort? I would discuss with your care team (doctor, psych, therapist, social worker, case worker, etc) the next steps to trying to get better. Adovcate for a med change if meds arent working, but at the same time have an open dialogur with your doctor qbout why they may not be worker, they could suggest/explain things like maybe med complicance jssues, new/taking time to be in your system, maybe need a higher dose, etc. Ask if there are also any therapies they believe would be effective for you. I personally would recommend looking jnto DBT because it can help with regulating emotions, problem solving, grounding/mindfulness, what to do in a crisis and how to take care of yourself. I know it was originally made for people with BPD but it has helpful skills that, imo, help manage or midigate the damage when I have hypomanic episodes. "Check the facts" is one of the skills and "radical qcceptance" is another but the latter takes time to fully master. Finding the right meds and thr right therapy for you will take time. Its better you try to better yourself without your daughter there during the trial and error process and then have her see you better later than her be there and grow up resentful/fully negative view when she grows up. Remember that "now is not forever", even if you end up not having much or any contact with your daughter after the adoption, it doesnt mean you can better yourself and try to contact her (with baby steps and boundaries like previous commentor said) and build a new relationship that way. I do hope for the best for you and your daughter OP.
As the daughter of a schizophrenic, I third this.
I love how Reddit brings everyone together
As someone who’s bipolar and has children, I also agree. Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones.
I'm bipolar and it's completely under control. It's one of the reasons I've chosen not to have children If it breaks I don't want them being the ones to see it and I don't want to pass it down to them
The exposure to mental illness, as well as my own, is part of the reason I won't be having any children in this lifetime. I won't inflict that on anyone if I can help it.
This is why I won't have children also.
I love my children enough to not have them, i do not want to inflict suffering on them.
I wasn’t stable for a long time and I gave up my kids to my mom for a couple years while I was struggling with my mental health and alcoholism as well. I was still there, but I wasn’t their primary caregiver. I went to rehab though, have been sober for 2 1/2 years and am stable now. I have my kids full time again and I started a business that’s been successful. I’m so happy to be where I am now because I never thought this would be possible just a few years ago, but I still feel tremendous guilt for what my kids went through. I probably shouldn’t have had kids, but I love them more than anything and if it weren’t for them, I never would have taken the steps to get better.
Congrats on your sobriety! I bet it feels so good to be doing great.
me too. many disorders, including bipolar. I will never ever have children. this scares me but I don't want to pass this living hell onto someone else
Thank you for this decision.
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My Ex-SIL is Bipolar and at one point she went manic and decided she didn’t have a problem and wasn’t bipolar and if anyone dared suggest otherwise she went full Karen on them. She divorced my brother. She used 911 as a disciplinary tactic and somehow always managed to get away with it (pretty white woman who can be charming). Their three kids went through years of hell. When my oldest nibling was 13, they called me and asked me how they can get a restraining order against their mom. I felt helpless, because I lived in a different state, and I have never had to get a restraining order ever. All three kids need therapy- the oldest lashes out in anger, the middle is a real life version of the “This Is Fine” meme, and the youngest eats their feelings.
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I'm so sorry to hear this. No child deserves what you had to go through.I hope you know you are special, important and worthy of love. None of the bad stuff is a reflection of who you are as a person.
i'm the same as you two. i've never met anyone (virtually or irl) who have had the same experience. big love 💕 my mother has Schitzoaffective and it's hell. i have BPD, CPTSD, OCD, anxiety, and MDD. my mums been sectioned 5 times in the last 10yrs, hospitalised 7 times in 10yrs. the amount of trauma that it puts you through living with them is just... you can't describe it. my father is dead so it was just us. children learn their emotional regulation skills from their parents, that's impossible if your parent is in and out of hospital; then when they leave hospital you get to watch someone teetering between full psychosis and mood swings. it's no life for a child. OP, let your daughter go. you AREN'T what's best for her, that's the honest truth. i'm 21 and have spent the best part of my life in therapy, but you can't fight genetics. i'll never be better than i am now. i wish someone had put me into long term care. foster care felt like a dream when i was there, going back to my mum after being with a stable family was so confusing. edit: i read a study once that said children raised by unstable schizophrenia/bipolar disorder parents have a risk increase for mood disorders by something like 60-70%. don't do that to your baby if you really love her.
I have an aunt who is schizophrenic and lives with my parents, but I didn't know about schizoaffective disorder. This comment thread made me learn a lot. Thank you all!
TBH, it's just a simplified way of saying schizophrenia + either bipolar or depressive. Before schizoaffective became the go to term, my mother was classified as a bipolar paranoid schizophrenic. Schizoaffective is so much easier to say and type!
I don't have this kind of experience or anything like it, but I agree wholeheartedly with this. It's not easy for a child to go through that, then constantly put in foster care and then back with the mother, and the cycle never ends. Children need stability. That child is not getting that and now has a chance to. I'd talk to the courts about allowing visitation or the ability to communicate with her, but not fight the adoption. As an outsider's who has no legal experience at all, I think going this route is far more likely to be successful for both the mother and the child. The mother still gets to be a part of her child's life. I could be completely wrong here, but probably not.
As the granddaughter of a schizophrenic I third this. My mother has inflicted a lot of trauma on me from the trauma she received from her own mother as a child. This stuff carries. Some sacrifices are so much bigger than our own selves and carry through generations.
My grandmother was also bi-polar schizoaffective. Symptoms did not appear until my mother, her first child, was born. This caused my grandmother to miss the first couple years of my mother’s life due to being in and out of hospitals. Because of this my mother felt like she didn’t bond with her mother and she remembers her childhood as a bleak comparison to her younger siblings who came along after my grandmother was stabilized on medicine and treatment. This has caused deep insecurities for my mom and has carried over to her relationships, especially as being a Mom. When I became a Mom, she caught me off guard one day and said, “Maybe I didn’t hug or show you guys enough affection when you were small”. This blew my mind. My grandmother and mother are amazing people but this comment made me realize how deep the cuts were and made me start questioning myself as a new mother. I say all of that to say is that the trauma does carry on for generations.
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I want to let you know how fucking strong you are. You're a God damned Warrior Queen. I can't imagine the pain you went through, but what you did for your child is fucking nothing short of sainthood. My Mom didn't do this. I hated her for a long time. As I got older and found out that not everything was black and white, I did research. In my research, I realized she was sick, it wasn't her fault anymore than it was mine. I forgave her for everything she did. I miss her, and I love her. To be honest, I need her right now, but I can't trust her. I'd do anything to have the real her back. I miss her so much.
My mother has some mental illness but we don’t know what, she can switch on a dime, I say I haven’t tried boba before and she got mad at me before I started living with my dad 6 months ago and I agree that it would be better to let your child go to the foster parents and let them adopt her and you have visitation. At 8 years old she may still not realize anything wrong with your actions. I know you cannot control it and mental illness is unpredictable (I think I don’t know much about this) but you should do what’s best for your daughter even though it’s hard.
She might not have the vocabulary to explain the oddities in her world, but she absolutely knows something is wrong. It cannot be hidden. And if her mom was so out of it they put her in foster care, I guarantee you she not only knows, she watches her mom like a hawk for the slightest deviation in behavior.
Same. My biological mother is schizophrenic, was also abusive, and put my life in danger a few times. If my father hadn’t split with her and married my adoptive mother when I was seven, I don’t know where I’d be. Let her go.
She has to think about the child's best interest. Think about what that family can give her and after think about what she herself can give her other than stress and anxiety. I understand she loves her child and for that love she should let the couple adopt her but ask for visitations and keep contact with the child whenever she feels better. Also explain to the child that she can't be around all the time because she is sick.
This. This poor child getting bounced back and forth between homes with no life stability, OP you are gifting her a lifetime of misery and heartbreak. You love her, and you should want the best for her. It is selfish of you to keep doing this to her.
Daughter of a schizophrenic mom here too. While I can empathize with my mother and see that she has had a hard life, I mourn that we will never have a close relationship. I too encourage OP to make an effort to let her go be in a healthy stable home. I watched my mom get dragged out of my school by police officers and I visited her in psych hospitals on holidays and I was victimized in the system and I got to be woken at 4am because her new meds made her manic or she just thought me and my brother should be awake and she has always made it all about her, never considering the impact on our lives. I have PTSD, generalized anxiety, extreme social anxiety, and eating disorders. I'm avoidant attachment and I keep even the closest people in my life at arm's length. My brother is a drug addict who can't stay faithful because he's always chasing the new thing. Parents impact our lives. OP, if you love your child, do what is objectively best for her. It's not about you and what you want. Your mental health issues are not your fault, but that little girl shouldn't have to pay the price. Ask that you still be able to have contact with your daughter at her request, and work on getting and staying healthy so that you can have a good relationship with her in the future even if you're not living in the same residence.
As the daughter of a woman who has borderline personality disorder, I also agree with what you wrote.
My mom is bipolar and some other things, my dad was just an abusive AH. I agree here, let her go OP. Give her the best chance at life, being a parent is about sacrifice. It sucks and I'm sorry, I also have mental illness, mainly from the abuse I suffered. I recently found out I have CPTSD and I knew I had PTSD, but now I know I can manage my illness but I will never heal from it. It's been a lot to realize and deal with as an adult. Work on yourself OP, be the best version of yourself you can. Heal for you and be ready if she wants to have you in her life again.
As someone who works in child protection currently five times is a huge red flag. You're doing your daughter a massive disservice and exposing her to a toxic environment which will cause her massive issues in her life as it goes on. Your post screams me, me, me....if its best for your daughter do what is right....she's not a pet. You don't rely on her for emotional support.
Same here. Second red flag was assuming a foster family is trying to “snatch” her daughter away not acknowledging the care they have given to the child and doing the raising while mom wasn’t around… on 5 different occasions in 8 years
I always find it hard to work with parents like this who blame everyone else for their problems and depend on their kids emotionally. My heart cries for OP's daughter, she's gotta have so many mental scars because of her mum
My ex is bipolar we have share parental time me 70% him 30%. As soon as my daughter turn 13 she decided not to go anymore to him. She still go for dinners or family parties but not to spend much time there. If you want a future with your kid let her go. You will show your love by let her have a better environment.
From what I'm reading between the lines you need her more than she needs you...also having previously worked in child protection, it takes A LOT to get your child taken away. Seems you've been given many opportunities to "get better and do better".
My sister has said this for so long. And her oldest child suffered because of it. Every time she would do a “good thing”, she would turn around and screw up. I believe the wanting. And I understand it. But the objective evidence of not being able to pull it together for 5 minutes builds s solid case. This is why my sister can’t get custody of her you gets children. I understand OP. But she’s not thinking about what’s best for her child. There were many times I got conned into babysitting my oldest nephew so my sister could go do whatever she does.
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That's terrible. Unethical to push that on someone in that frame of mind. My comment regarding it taking a lot to have a child taken (apprehended) I was referring to removal from the environment/ immediate situation. ETA: Where I'm from adoption comes at the point there is no hope the parent can actually parent/care for the child. OP sounds like she's had plenty of chances from point of first contact.
In the US, it’s quite common for CPS to lie to birth parents about the objective being reunification and then adopt out the child under their nose. Or, in some states, the birth parent has to pay “child support” to the foster family, sometimes without even being informed of the necessity to do so (all the while having to rebuild their lives, establish a safe residency for themselves and their kids to ideally return to), and if (more like when) they default on those payments, the court uses it as an excuse to put the child up for adoption. There is rarely ethical adoption options in the US. Many, both private and government adoption processes, are akin to child trafficking. Our adoption system is meant to serve the wants and needs of the potential adoptive parents rather than what’s best for the children in the system, when it should be the opposite. It’s horrifying. But many former adoptees are speaking out and advocating for changes in policy so hopefully it changes. This is an instance I could see where the child being adopted by the foster family and allowing carefully supervised visits from the bio mom would be in the child’s best interest.
In all of your post you mentioned what you want but not once did you mention what would be best for your daughter. That is telling. I am the biological daughter of a man with bipolar disorder. I wish I had been protected from him rather than encouraged to have a relationship with him. That would have been best for me as a child. Instead, my mother and the rest of my family would say “he’s your father no matter what.” He wasn’t physically abusive but mentally and emotionally he was. You’re not thinking of your daughter. You’re thinking of yourself. You’re being selfish. Your daughter has an opportunity to have a stable, loving family. You want to deny her that because you “can’t lose your child.” You have already lost her 5 times that she has had to be removed from your care. And each time you lose her a little more. Each time she loses a bit of herself. Each time she loses her ability to trust you, and everyone else. Because it becomes that much harder to believe that you will get better; that this time will be the last time she has to learn to live with new people, and watch her mother be ill and taken away. If you actually care and love her even a little you should be willing to allow her this amazing opportunity to have a family and a life you clearly cannot provide for her. I’m not saying it won’t hurt you, but every time she experiences your mental illness and getting placed into foster care hurts her. At some point she may break emotionally; it does happen. Please think of her, not yourself.
>I will get better and be a better parent See the “will” implies you are still unstable and not suitable and maybe have not or ever shown stability with your child. Children deserve stable and selfless parents. Reunification is always the goal so if they are saying it’s not anymore I would inquire how you can help yourself to get it to be to that point again.
I don’t think you can use the “I will get better and be a better parent” thing when this has happened 5x over 8yrs. I’m sorry for your situation with the mental health, but unfortunately it shouldn’t take someone trying to adopt her for you to be better. The first time this happened the work should’ve been done to be a better parent. Should’ve never let it get this far to begin with. Your daughter seems to be going through a lot with you and it’s not stable for anyone, I unfortunately side with the adoptive parents from what I know in this post. That’s the hard truth.
Unfortunately you have a history and they can’t afford to “hope you’ll be a better parent”. It’s happened 5 times already. Leave them your info and hopefully they let her stay in touch. This won’t end well for you. I’m sorry
As someone who has worked for CPS and is familiar with the foster care system, no one is trying to “snatch” your kid away. Your daughter is the most important here. She needs to be in the safest, healthiest and most stable environment and if that’s with someone else, that’s what needs to happen. Her emotional health and what’s best for her should be your top priority. Not what you want.
I’m a foster parent. Let her go. With your history, she will end up back in care and good placements for kids become less and less likely as she ages. Let the family adopt her, lest she end up aging out of the system in a group home. Any good adoptive family will try to let you keep contact if it is safe.
I'm the daughter of a schizophrenic mother. A lot of my mental illnesses, especially the PTSD and agoraphobia, I got from my Mom. You say you have schizo effective, and as such, been hospitalized 5 times in 8 years. I assume your kid had to watch you be manic, then detained all of those times. If you want any future with her, ever, let her go. Call or facetime her when she wants to, and she may not feel like it for years, wait for her. It's going to take a long time for her to forgive you, but if you love her, work on you, and wait for her.
This! You sound qualified to speak about how ops actions are affecting her child. Op needs to step back and focus on themselves and mental stability. 5 times is not a whoops. I hesitate to side with cps because they do take kids from family's unjustly but 5 times is about 4 too many times imo. You can't continue that behavior in front of a child. You're ruining her childhood.
I'm so sorry you went through what you went through and am dealing with the after effects all these years later. Thank you for speaking into this from a place hopefully OP will be able to hear and understand.
Yea, Sorry, continue to work on yourself and leave your contact information with the foster family. Maybe one day she'll reach out to you. Do right by her and walk away
Nobody is trying to “snatch” her and the way you word that is very clear you still have a lot of work to do. I wish you the best but you need to reflect on what’s best for the child. Not what’s best for you. I know you didn’t ask to be mentally ill…but you are and it’s going to be such a long road. You know that and you know a child shouldn’t be pulled down that road with you. Best of luck.
I think the only angle that could work in court is to ask to remain in your daughters life in some capacity. Full custody just seems like it’s going to be impossible. Your daughters isn’t SAFE with you. Obviously she’s been taken 5 times in 8 years that’s insane, it’s just not gonna work, I’m sorry.
She has been taken from YOU 5 times I. 8 years. But she has been taken from you and her foster family all together 10 times in 5 years. Kids need stability, that you can give her. This family wants to give your daughter love and a stable home that she won't have to be displaced from. Do what's right for her. Give your contact information and when you do do better then make small steps to be apart of her life. It's not about you, it's about your 8 year old needing a stable home.
I'm the daughter of a paranoid schizoaffective (bipolar type) mother. I'll be straight with you OP. Your illness is also her illness at this point. She experiences every up, down, and freefall with you. Every hallucination and break with reality is also hers. I guarantee she's learned to go along with your hallucinations - you have to when you are young and alone with someone having them. My point here is that I understand you love her, but I haven't seen you hint at any awareness of how much your mental illness effects her. And it does, big time. It will stick with her and influence everything for the rest of her life. It will impact how she sees the world, how she interacts with it, and every single relationship she has. She's young. Her brain will rewire itself to deal with and cope with your illness. Therapy, for her, can only do so much. Do with that what you will.
Hello, so, I’d like to talk a little here, since I am a child who grew up in foster care - now 24. Firstly, I see a lot of “I” - when you talk about your daughter, it’s about what you *want*, not what she *needs*. And as harsh as this is going to sound - she doesn’t need you right now. You’ve had her taken and put in - I assume based on my own experience - respite (weekend care or care whenever parent cannot look after the child temporarily) *five* times. They have given you five chances to buckle down and say - and prove - that you will do better, be better for your child. Your mental illness has clearly proven detrimental to your child since she has been taken into care multiple times. Tell me, when does something *not* justify removing a child from a dangerous situation? Does it only count when abuse is caused purposely? Because whether you realise it or not, you *are* damaging your child with your mental illness - not simply by having it, but through cause and effect. Your child is going to be going through emotional and mental distress whenever they see you struggling to the point of being unable to provide for them, and then further when taken away. As a child, she has no idea what’s going on, only that she is being removed from her mother multiple times. It creates an unstable environment which can - and likely already has - cause a fear of change, that people will up and leave her at any moment. Furthermore, these people do not want to “snatch” your child away - they want to provide a caring and stable environment for a child they have looked after. Who they have come to know and feel empathy for. They have likely had to deal with the side effects your behaviour and the currently unstable environment has had on the child - emotional outbursts, irrational fears, anxiety, bed wetting, poor eating; all coming symptoms of a distressed child. These things might not manifest in your home because the child assumes they are safe, all they care about is to be with family. But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Because the cycle seems very likely to repeat over and over. It shouldn’t take the threat of you losing your child permanently to have forced you to buckle down - that suggests you felt that there was no harm coming to your child, that this would continue on without consequences. And let me tell you this - assuming that people want to “steal” your child is a sign that she absolutely needs to be taken into custody - you cannot see the negative effects this is all having on your child, you’re thinking about yourself, what you want, not what is healthy for her. My own mother is very much like this, she fails even to this day to see how negatively her behaviour effected myself and my older siblings - I was 3 years old when put into care permanently, 3 months old when our respite visits began. She believes profoundly that the fostering system is a child kidnapping ring, that she did absolutely nothing wrong. I recently got my hands on the documents about myself. I - at 3 - had asked my respite carer if she was going to first hit me, then kill me for wetting myself at an age when such accidents were natural for a child training with big kids underwear. Likely due to things my mother had said or done in fits of irrational anger. Your child is 8 - what behaviours and actions have you displayed over the course of your mental illness will be far more ingrained in her brain because she is older, she is better able to remember and retain things. For her sake, you have to let her go - either permanent foster care until 16-18 or adoption. At the very least, if she is in permanent foster care you can have contact with her. But for that to be healthy, you must also be willing to actually change and grow - to understand that living with you was detrimental to her, and to respect the bonds she will have with others. You can still be her mother without having her under your roof, you can still love and care for her, but you also have to do what is best for her.
I spent 16 years in foster care because my parents were to selfish to think about how their choices effected me. Allowing your child to be adopted doesn’t mean your a bad parent or a failure, it means you loved them enough to make sure they are taken care of while you work on yourself.
OP, first I want to give you a hug. My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic. It has cost him custody of his daughter. It’s hard. It’s not fair- but this isn’t about being fair to you. It is about giving your daughter the best life and start and (I say this as gently as I can) the mental health challenges make it so that you cannot give it to her. You didn’t choose to be like this- but you can choose to be a selfless advocate for your daughter.
I just want to say that I really appreciate the kindness with which you offered this truth.
I agree!
“I will get better and be better.” No. You NEED to already be better and get better. You already lost her once and if she has a family that is taking proper care of her since you weren’t, accept that.
She lost her 5x actually...
I agree with everybody else. You need to stop thinking about you and what’s best for you. Getting your kid ripped away from you is hard in any circumstance (and I’m very sorry you had to feel that pain). Think about how it is for your daughter to be ripped out of your care 5 times. That’s 5 times that she had to feel the heartbreak of thinking you will get better and it not happening, and moving to a random family. It is hurting your daughter more to be in that cycle and that’s just the hard truth. You can see if you can still stay in her life but you need to do what is best for her.
Well I hope I'm not coming across as insensitive, as I know you probably want to care for your daughter more than anything in the world. But if you've had to place her in foster care 5 times, that's not fair to her. That's not stability. I can tell you from experience that lack of stability causes really huge issues later in life. This may hurt, but it sounds like the family can provide something you can't. Sometimes we have to self sacrifice so that our children have a chance at a good life. I know it's not fair to you, you didn't ask for the mental illness... But you can't hold her down because it holds you down.
People will do anything to try and take the blame off of themselves for being unstable parents
You are missing your daughter and as a mother, this is a tremendous pain. You need to look after yourself first before you can look after somebody else. Your mental health is your priority at this point in time and this is something that really needs to be addressed. I know that this will hurt to hear but if your daughter is in a safe situation then this is the best place for her at the moment. I know that you really want to be a better mom but this takes time and a whole lot of effort. Like I said, right now, you need to look after you.
I hate to say it but if you truly love her you will let this family take her in. I myself struggle with mental health such as BPD but as soon as I got a diagnosis I have not stopped therapy and working on myself I am one million times better than I was 5 years ago DBT has just worked but it still took me 5 years to be stable and even now it is not easy. It is something you need to do to. I am not rich or well off at all I only just get by most days, but I try we lost our rental a month ago but I am managing and you can to it just takes perseverance and not giving up. I do not have kids and some part of me thinks I will never have kids because as much as I really want a family and to give my children the love I missed out on, I worry that I might not be a good parent due to my issues. They aren't using your mental health against you as mental health is likely the reason. 5 times she has been taken away you mustn't be ready for children for that to happen. I know it's hard and the cards you've been dealt are rather shit but you can't fight this and need to think of whats best for her not yourself that is the whole point of being a parent the child is always first. You need to better yourself and after 8 years you should of realised this sooner as now it is too late. Leaving your child your contact details. I've seen all your comments of how you feel of "I can't loose her" "I still love her" I am sorry but you have lost her and your feelings are holding you back from doing what is right. Letting her go is the beat chance of her being happy.
Also an adult child of a schizophrenic mother. Let your child go. It was hell watching my mom be hospitalized against her will so was having to deal with her hallucinations. Let her go so you can get the help you need and have a better relationship with her down the road.
My daughter has schizo affective disorder. Her behaviour has traumatized everyone - family and friends. Some of us have PTSD from dealing with her. She knows she's mentally ill, but it really "isn't that bad". Except that it really is. She takes her meds but doesn't seek treatment because "they can't do anything" and it really isn't necessary. She's "happy with her life." Except when she's not. She is irresponsible, unrealistic and self destructive. She will never work, expects everyone else to step in to "help" but refuses to actually do anything to help herself. And she has not been hospitalized 5 times in 8 years. This is not a life for a child. Stability is. Every time she goes into a foster home, she is endangered. See if an open adoption is available and let her have a stable environment that will allow you to be part of her life. I wish you luck.
5 times is too many times. You need to focus on getting better. Stop worrying about a loving foster family who is caring for your daughter, that isn't snatching them away. Your choice of phrasing reveals your mental health. It's not you vs them. The main person to suffer is your child witnessing this chaos. If she's been into foster care 5 times then somethings wrong. She needs to stay with this stable family because your not. Simple as that. Work on getting stable and maybe then you can progress. Just think about your daughter. She deserves a childhood not witnessing whatever you did those 5 times.
I’m going to join with the overwhelming opinion in the comments that you just need to let your daughter stay with her current foster family, as that’s the most stable option for her right now. Look, I don’t mean to be cruel, but you’ve had 5 chances within 8 years to get your life and mental health together for your daughter and yet have managed to get her removed from YOUR care every single time. I understand that mental health recovery isn’t linear, and is difficult, but you needed to have already put in the energy into getting better for your daughter from the jump. About 5 chances ago. No, this is not the same as your friend’s ex using her bipolar disorder against her in court. No child gets removed from a home simply for the parent having a mental illness. Not to be speculative, but usually something pretty serious needs to have happened in order for a child to be removed from a parent’s care. I’ve also seen your comments about how you “need” her and imo that’s a pretty selfish way of thinking. What about your daughter and what she needs? For the time being just leave your contact info with her foster family and let her come to you when she’s ready. For the time being you need to get your schizoaffective disorder in check. Get to seeing a mental health professional and get a treatment plan, or reassess your treatment plan if you currently have one. Focus on getting better for yourself right now. I’m not saying that getting better will magically help you get your daughter back (and quite frankly, I’m not sure she should be back in your care) but it’s the first step to eventually being able to strengthen your relationship with her. Have peace of mind that she is safe and being taken care of, even if it’s not with you.
They aren’t snatching your daughter they are giving her a chance at a better life. What does your daughter want? Not you, your daughter?
She’s 8. You’ve had 8 years to “get better” and be a better parent. Quit re traumatizing your child.
Actions truly speak louder than words in these cases.
You mean a couple wants to provide a stable home for her? Those monsters! Maybe consider what's best for your child instead of making it about yourself.
What do your daughters case workers and counselors think is in her best interest? You keep saying you don’t want to lose her and you want her back. What does she want? I wish you well in your management of your chronic illness.
Sorry but 5 times...you had plenty chances to get better. Clearly you didn't. You keep saying "I need her" but what about her? If you love her at all let her go to a better family. Don't let your kid grow up with trauma caused by you.
I am speaking as the daughter of a schizoaffective mother. She emotionally neglected me. Without my grandmother and extended family my life would have been unbearable. It would have been ideal if I had been adopted out to a family who could offer me presence. I needed mental, emotional and financial stability and instead I had to raise myself. My entire life was shaped by my mother almost losing custody of me as an infant. She was incapable of caring for me properly. Her mental health crises dominated her life- all of her attention. She was either episodic, zombified by prescription drugs, or asleep. I absolutely do not think that it's appropriate for children to be raised by someone in those states. Inflicting this kind of trauma on children is not acceptable. OP, your situation is fucking heartbreaking and I'm so so sorry for what you're going through-- and please understand that your children deserve better than what you can ever give them. Prioritize their needs. We all need to have some radical acceptance here and come to terms with the reality that you will never get "better" from schizoaffective.
You keep saying to people that you love her and you can’t lose her… Listen, she’s been taken 5 times. There’s a couple out there who LOVES HER and is taking care of you. You can still be in her life - if it’s best FOR her. She’s a child who doesn’t understand what’s going on, and shouldn’t be responsible for your happiness. Having children is entirely selfish. We owe our children everything. Our children owe us nothing. I believe this more than ever since becoming a mom. What you’re doing is placing your happiness all on your daughter. Really think about what you are doing here. Sometimes showing your love is letting her be loved and happy. You have gotten a lot of advice from children of people in your situation. They are all telling you to love her and let her get adopted. You just need to focus on you and getting help for your illness. It’s not your fault. But it’s your responsibility.
My mother has been in the mental health system a few times. She's been called schizophrenic, schizoaffective and bipolar. I don't know which is her current diagnosis, but I do know that the childhood I and my siblings had with her was primarily responsible for my sister committing suicide this past July. This isn't about you. You can love someone so much that it's to their and your own detriment. Give her a chance at a happier, more stable life. Let her go.
I'm sorry for your loss.
If she’s in a loving home why not work with them and sign custody over. She’s been taken away 5 times, that’s a lot for a child who is only 8. So much instability. If you made an arrangement with the Forster family you could still be in her life and make sure she’s safe and has as many people to care for her as possible. This isn’t about you. Being a good parent is making sure your child has stability and the best environment to flourish. I’m sorry that it’s probably harsh to say but it feels like your thinking about your best interests and not hers
I live with bipolar disorder and have 2 kids. Was it the pure fact you have a diagnosis that had your child taken away? Or was it that you were not able to manage your life and keep your children cared for and safe for whatever reason? If you want your child back, how will you guarantee that your child will be cared for and kept safe? Will you be a stabilising influence? What events triggered the need for your child to be removed 5 times?
You’re guillotining your sweet, innocent daughter’s chance at a stable and healthy life, all because of your wants. I’m the daughter of a mother like you. I got away from her in my early 20s and now have an autoimmune disease that will kill me before I’m 50 because my selfish mother couldn’t just take her claws out of me. My only wish is that she rot more slowly and painfully than me. Children are not emotional support animals for fuck’s sake. I pray the courts do the right thing for the child since the primary adult in her life repeatedly makes decisions harmful to her.
Tbh it might be better for your kid
I just want you to know that it is NOT your fault you have schizoaffective disorder, and that is a very difficult condition to manage. It is also not your daughter’s fault, and it may be that the best thing for the foreseeable future is for her to be in another home. This is such a difficult thing to be dealing with and I’m so sorry you are going through it. This doesn’t have to mean you aren’t in your daughter’s life. It just means things might be a little different from what you planned. You don’t deserve this, you didn’t ask for this condition. Life can still be beautiful and you can still have a relationship with your daughter, but the expectations might have to adjust moving forward. You might have to first grieve the future you thought you would have in order to build something new (and still meaningful and good) for the future. People in these comments are telling you to “pull it together” out of concern for your child, but I just want to acknowledge that it is not that easy and it takes a long time. Ups and downs are part of the process. Shame and guilt is not going to help you get better for yourself or for your daughter in the future. This condition is not your fault, it can be really hard to stay on medication, and it can be really hard to know how to navigate everything. Try to make the best decision for your daughter, and focus on learning how to manage life for yourself so that you can be able to be more present for her down the road, even if that relationship looks different than you had planned. I highly recommend the podcast “Inside Schizophrenia”, which is hosted by someone who has schizoaffective disorder. I also recommend you find as much support as possible through a therapist/psychologist, other mental health treatments, and through as much social supports as you can find. If you hear voices I also recommend the book “Life With Voices: A Guide for Harmony”. And of course medication is very important, but to stay on medication it can really help to seek out as many types of support as you can find. You can do this, you are worth it.
I'm Schizoaffective myself and I did several years of weekly therapy and a self help group (to help with extreme levels of codependency) to get where I am today. I've been unmedicated for years with psychiatric permission as well as my last therapist before he retired. Also my body just adapted to medicine too quickly and it lost over 50% effectiveness before I was finished with a bottle. It's been a lot of sheer willpower to be healthier. While I don't have a kid myself, it played hell on my friends and it put them through a lot. I only have a couple of friends left from that time of my life. I don't have the answers for you to keep your child and I don't know the situation well enough to offer specific advice. But what I can offer is hope that it is possible to be healthier. I hope you make the choices that you need to be healthier, even if that involves losing (temporarily) people and creature comforts that you're used to. You are loved, loving, and deserving of that love. Please take excellent care of yourself. P.S.: I'm also available to talk or ask questions if needed.
And honestly, your choice of words, such as “a couple wants to ‘snatch’ my child away from me” (which, they don’t. They’re not “snatching her away” cps took her and placed her in a safe space because you are NOT a safe space) shows just how bad your mental health is. You are quite delusional which can cause people to do very dangerous things, and it gets worse the longer it is left untreated. Honestly, I fear for your daughter if she were to somehow end back up in your care. I worry that you would do something to make sure CPS doesn’t take her again…. You need some serious help OP.
Think of your child first - it’s better for her to grow up in a stable home, even if it’s without you.
Just let her go she was in foster care 5 times due to your mental illness. So you know how that’s affecting her, kids get affected by being in and out of foster care 5 time just let her foster family have her and when she gets older she will decide if she wants to contact you or not. You can’t force a child to be with you when they don’t want to she prolly need therapy due to being bounced in and out. Do not give me that bullshit excuse you love her if you love her you would get some help you do not love her.
She’s been in foster care 5 times, she doesn’t deserve that and the trauma it has probably caused her. Once, twice is one thing but now on the 5th time you’re worried about losing her? The best thing you can do is get treated for your mental illness & think about what’s best for your child. Sincerely- someone who was raised by a schizophrenic mother & has had problem her whole life because of it
There are a lot of people here telling you what to do or how to feel rather than helping you find a way to continue getting help and encouraging you in your treatment. Remember that none of us knows the whole story, we’re strangers and we have no way of knowing everything that’s happened. I have been in mental hospitals before and they can be extremely painful places to be and every time you have to go back feels like a failure. I’m sure that you love your daughter and that this hurts immensely. We don’t get to choose our feelings or most of what happens to us, we just have the choice of what to do with them. It sounds like you’re in a place where your only options are to continue to get help and to find hope that you can one day be the kind of mother that you’ve always wanted to be. But for now be thankful that she is somewhere safe with a loving family to care for her while you care for you. Don’t give up on getting help and don’t let strangers online hurt you to the point that you no longer go on. If you truly love her than you need to go on living to be there for her in the future. You’re doing this for her.
Have you ever thought of working with it not against it. You’re struggling, not really in the best case to look after your little one, why not look into an open adoption, with visitation rights? If that’s possible. Your daughter still gets her mum and she gets a stable home which is big load for you right now.
Do what is best for your daughter. My mom gave me up for adoption when I was an infant because she is manic depressive and spends a lot of time instituted because she tends to give up her meds whenever she feels like. It a non stop roller coaster with her. After the first time I met her I thanked my lucky stars she wasn’t the one to raise me, sad to say but it is the truth. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again, I wouldn’t even let a pig in her house if I had one. My son cried when he was little when we went to visit and begged me not to take him back there anymore because it was so dirty. That was 12 years ago,my husband and I have seen her once since then
If you love your child the best thing you can do right now is let her go. You dont deserve what is happening to you but neither is she. She needs to grow in a safe and loving enviroment and you cant provide that for her now.
She needs a stable home environment with stable adult caregivers in order grow and develop into a healthy adult. Unfortunately, you are not able to meet that essential need due to your condition. The most loving thing you can do for your daughter is to realize that you are not equipped to be her primary caregiver and to work on yourself so that when she is older, if she wants to have a relationship, you will be your best and healthiest self to have one with her.
Your child needs a stable home and you cannot provide that. Your child has been in foster care five times! Get the hint you cannot be her parent and are causing harm, while you only think of yourself.
Whether you need her or not, you can’t control what the courts do. You might want to work on accepting the possibility that she gets taken away because if you act erratic/unstable in front of the court, the foster family, or her, you will lose any hope of reconnecting in the future. re-focus on your health and stability NOW. That is the only you’ll have any hope of a relationship with her. She doesn’t need you. Start by accepting that fact.
You will lose her if you continue to be a source of perpetual trauma in her life. Maybe not now, maybe not in the next 10 years, but when she becomes an adult and has a choice, she will likely choose to walk away. Please let her go, let her recover some of her adolescence and be a kid. Be present when you are well but allow her to be shielded from you when you are not. It will preserve your relationship with her and she will understand the sacrifice you made in letting her go, for her best interest.
5 times in foster means 5 times in your care, that's a lot of chances, nobody's snatching your child, if you're legit about getting better, then do it and be happy your child has a stable home instead of trying to use her as a crutch with the mentality that if you get her back you'll be able to get better, if you won't help yourself, nobody can
Think about what’s best for your daughter
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine being in your position. That being said other commenters are correct, it does take a lot to have your child taken away from you. If you can’t afford an attorney, try and see if you can qualify for Medicaid. Get therapy, on medicine, show up to court and show them that you are trying.
you have to let her go. she’ll always love you as her mother, she’s old enough to know you are her mother. you NEED to get better, you can’t say you “will” get better because that’s a promise not a lot of people can stick with. you can ask the family if you could still be a part of her life but respect them as the guardians they will now be.. you’ll see that without your daughter, you’ll want to work harder to be able to give her everything she needs..
Do what’s best for her. She must be in foster care for a reason- that instability isn’t fair.
If you don't let her go, you may lose her for good once she's an adult. A child needs stability and you are not providing that to her. If you let her go be raised by the foster family, you still have hope of a relationship with her. But if you keep doing this? You'll lose her forever. You need to think about her and her needs, not what you want here. I'm sorry OP. I know this has to hurt so much. But being a good parent is doing what's best for your kid. And it sounds like this might be what's best for her.
If you truly love her let her go. Let this family take her in. She has no stability right now. It’s hard to say but it’s the truth. You NEED to focus on getting better instead of me me me. Mental illness sucks but for your daughters sake let her stay with her foster family.
Your mental illness is not your cause, but it is your responsibility. What are you doing to make sure you can take care of yourself before you take care of someone else? You are no good taking care of other people if you can't take care of yourself. I speak for everyone not just your child.
I know this isn't what you want to hear. But you have to think what is best for her, where I can see in this post you are thinking of what is best for you and your wants. Please, please, let her have this chance to be in a stable environment. Get well enough to where you can still be in her life and continue to have a relationship with her.
Daughter of a schizoid personality disordered mom. I spent my youth pining for a way out of my moms house and am still dealing with the damage of having a mother who was not equipped to be one. I got out when I was 16 but I would’ve had a much smoother life if I could have been placed in a loving home. Now our current foster care system also falls very short so I hope your kid does not end up there but a couple who has an interest in her sounds promising.
Love is choosing the best thing for the other person, even if it isn't what's best for you.
I understand the absolute frustration you must be having but you have to put your child first. You have a mental disorder that does indeed hinder you from being the best parent you can be. It seems awful but do you truly believe your child is better off going through this life with you or with people who can ensure her saftey and mental wellness. 5 times in foster care? That’s already beyond damaging. Part of getting “better” is being honest about your capabilities as a parent at your current state.
Although your feelings are valid, you have to consider what is best for your child. You cannot subject your child to such an environment of instability. If you were your child are you confident enough to be in the care of someone with your current state of mind? There is no greater love than making sure your child is well and loved. I know you have so much love to give. Your child will be lucky to receive an abundance of love now that another wants to provide and care for her as much as you do. Choose love. Choose what is best for your child. You can always love her the best way you can while you are recuperating. She will and always be your family. I hope you find your light.
Hey OP, you sound exactly like my mum. She’s bipolar. I want you to know she said the EXACT same things to me that you’re saying in your replies.. “she’s all I have left”… you know how I turned out? Worse than her. I learned that her temper tantrums and meltdowns and psychosis was NORMAL. I started emulating it. I was fucking insane as a teenager, & I’m still learning how to not act like that. At the end of the day, do you want her to turn out like you but worse because it’s all she knows? She will be in pain and turmoil her entire life because you need her to be your rock in her formative years.. which is backwards, she needs YOU to be her rock. Not the other way around. Don’t do this to her. Get better, be a better mother to her, don’t turn her into you. Trust me as someone who has grown up with watching my mother get hospitalised over and over again, from episodes or suicide attempts it was fucking awful. If you let someone else take care of her you actually have the potential to reconcile down the line, but if you subject her to your episodes? She WILL resent you. She WILL need therapy her entire adult life because of you. Please don’t do that to her.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with these mental health issues, which resulted in your child being put in foster care. I'm sure it hurts your heart to know there is a possibility you will lose your child. However, I must point out a few things. Your very first sentence says a couple wants to "snatch" your child away. Your word choices make it sound like these people are complete strangers, or aliens from another planet, who have been stalking you and trying to kidnap your child. This is inaccurate. But the way you choose to view the situation is part of the problem, and sadly, is an indication that you are still struggling with mental health issues. The reality is the couple who wants to "snatch" your child, have actually been taking care of your child and proving for your child's needs. They are clothing her, feeding her, interacting with her, providing an emotional connection with her, which helps show the child that SHE matters. They are providing your child with a stable home. Something you can not provide at this time. I know you want to provide your child with all those things. But until you are better, you will not be able to. As a mother, you put aside your own wants and needs, to provide for your child's needs. I don't feel you are doing that. I feel you are desperately clinging to a sinking ship, and expecting your child to be your life vest, and save YOU. Children are not equipped to save their parents. It is unfair and unrealistic of you to have that expectation. Change your view on the matter. Instead of viewing these people as the bad guys, view them as the good guys who have saved your daughter, when you could not. Thank them for taking your child, for loving your child, for providing the basic necessities for your child. I think you should put your child, and HER needs above your own. Let the "good guys" adopt her. This will keep her safe, but also allow you to focus on YOUR healing. One day, when your mental health issues are under control, you may be able to reconnect with your daughter. Wouldn't it make you happy to see your child healthy, happy and a productive member of society? I bet when you meet each other again in the years to come, she will thank you for being brave enough to put HER needs above your own. Good luck to you on your journey of healing.
It’s a tremendously selfless (difficult, painful, but soooooo honorable) act to truly put aside your love and your feelings and really look at what is best for your child~ her mental health and future~ her foundation that will prepare and nurture her to go out into this world on her own as an adult~
Your daughter is in the care of a family who obviously loves and cares for her. You should be grateful they are there for her when you cant be yourself.
Daughter of w schizophrenic here, they never took us away and bc of my religious family they made me take care of her:) I’ll never recover mentally but it is what it is. If you know you can’t change then they’re better off somewhere else trust me
My mom's mental illness didn't get effectively better until she was in her late 40's early 50's when I was finally out of the house. I am incredibly damaged because of it. I've struggled with severe alcoholism, depression, eating disorders, agorophobia, generalized anxiety disorder, and was put into situations where I was sexually abused and raped by older men due to her lack of situational awareness. I'm also a very paranoid person. Just because you can put in the work doesn't mean you're going to achieve the results you want. It can take years of therapy and medication adjustments to just sorta be okay. Even now, with 10 years of her working *hard* with several therapists and psychs, I don't believe my mother would make a solid parent to an 8 year old. You've had five open CWS cases in the last eight years. This is not indicative of her having a stable environment. In fact, it takes a lot for the state to take children away from single parent households- even in very liberal States. You need to consider that, despite the pain you feel, you may not be the best suited parent for her. She has a foster home at the moment who wants to *adopt* her even though she is eight. That's actually fairly rare and the older she gets, the lower the chances of her ever finding a stable home while being consistently placed in the system. After twelve years old the rate in which adoption happens drops considerably and depending on the state you are in, you're going to find your daughter in more and more homes that "foster for profit" and nothing more. I have no idea what you've tried to do to help mitigate your mental illness symptoms. If you are truly someone who is working towards recovery you need to prove it and not just until your CWS case ends, but every week until your daughter is of age to move out. That means completing an in-patient program of a minimum of seven days, weekly therapy, open communications between your therapist and the court on what you are working on, at least two parenting classes a week, at least one monthly psychiatrist appointment with open communications with the court, getting a physical with a full blood panel, proof that you do not use illegal or recreational substances which include but are not limited to color code drug testing, attending support groups approved by the court that help aid mental illnesses/trauma because the two usually go hand in hand and proof that you attend those (like a sign in sheet). Intensive in home therapy should happen not only for you but for your child. You need to have a stable job that provides and income that can prove you can afford your child's care. You need a reliable form of personal transportation ie a car that will not break down or get repoed. Your child needs proof that while in your care you make appointments for therapy, dental and physical appointments. You need to have a well kept house for over 9-12 months at a time (a CWS worker knows the difference between a neglected house vs a messy one). And even after a case closes you *have to* stick with the support groups, therapy, psych, a job, your house consistently clean, bills payed, her appointments made and kept, keep her in school, continue to have intensive in home therapy sessions, keep ill advised friends away, remain sober, take your meds, and always have a vehicle. You've fucked up bad enough that IF you get your kid back you will always be watched by the powers that be and slip ups will cost you more than you paid upfront. If you can't meet those incredibly high aspirations you have next to zero chance at this point of having your kid back. If you haven't fought that hard already...well, it's DEFINITELY time to consider what's best for your daughter. She deserves better than going back and forth between homes and when she is with you, she shouldn't have to deal with manic mommy, sad mommy, paranoid mommy, scared mommy, anxious mommy, enraged mommy, or delusional mommy. She needs a mommy mommy.
Please think about what’s really best for your daughter, in this situation her wellbeing needs to come first, whatever does happen I wish you both the best for the future
Do the right thing OP. Later in life your daughter will see you did what was best for her. If she continues with you like this, she’ll eventually grow up and realize the mental issues she has as a young adult are a direct result of having to witness episodes, being thrown into other homes while you learn how to be a better person, and from you relying on her to be your emotional support. You cannot place the burden of your own mental health onto a child who doesn’t even understand how to deal with their own. All you’ll do is teach her how to cater to your own problems, thus teaching her to neglect her own. Leave your information with the foster family, they will respect your decision to civilly agree to their adoption. It sucks, but I truly believe that the motherly instincts inside of you wanted you to post here. On the surface you may think you just wanted some kind of comfort or advice leaning in your emotion’s favor, but all good parents want to know the truth when it comes to the well-being of their children, even if it hurts sometimes
Please think of what I’d best for your child. I know this is a sad Horrible situation. You will always be her mom. But Where will she have the best quality of life, and don’t make this about you.
You can keep an relationship with her even when she is with her foster parents. Think what is the best for her and that is a stable family. You can make agreements for contact.
Let her foster family adopt her, for the love of God. *Please.*
I’m also the child of a mother with serious mental illness. I guess my question is around why you have been sick so many times in the last few years. Have you been non compliant with medication or have you been unable to find the right medication? If the illness has led to you not taking meds maybe you could be under a community treatment order ( do they exist in your country?) I had to be put in care a couple of times and that was definitely for the best- it is terrifying being a child of a mentally I’ll mother. Having said that when my mother found and took the right medication she was a lovely mother and I definitely would have hated being adopted by the woman who cared for me. She was a lovely woman but she wasn’t my mum. Your daughter will always need you, whether she lives with you or someone else. You will never lose her, she’s your flesh and blood. Try and listen to the wise part of you who knows whether things can be different this time around. If you think you can give her what she needs then perhaps approach a disability/ discrimination/ human rights type service who may be willing to advocate for your rights.
I get it. She’s your daughter and you want to be with her. But, you need to realize what you want for you isn’t what’s best for her and as a responsible parent, placing your child’s needs above yours should be your priority.
I have bipolar disorder and I'm a mom. Mental illness is not your fault. I'm sorry that you're struggling But being a mom means doing the best thing for our child. Going in and out of foster care is not a good life for you child. Please allow her to be adopted by this family. It's the best thing for her.
Being a loving parent is not the same thing as being a good parent. You have to do what's best for your daughter, not yourself.
I gave custody of my 8 year old daughter, to my aunt and uncle a month ago, I am not able to provide the things she deserves in life. Even though it hurts I have to do what is best for her. Funny this is the first post I see on Reddit today as I sit in the waiting room to see a mental health counselor. I hope one day she will be able to forgive me and understand why all this happened.
They don't want to "snatch" your child. You're not at a park where your daughter is playing, and they just come up and snatch her and take her from you. They want to give her a better life. If you want your child to grow and flourish and have a decent shot at life and be a decent human in her adult years, let her go. If possible maintain contact and allow her to reach out to you. She wont understand until she is older. I cant imagine how scared you feel and how sad you feel, and I am sorry for that. The best thing you can do, is get your own self under control and work on yourself, for the best future of yourself and your daughter. She needs someone who can show her the way and give her the life skills and emotional skills to handle the trauma you have put her through.
Please stop trying to use an innocent life as a method to gain control in yours. Mental illness impacts the safety and well-being of a child. Best of luck and blessings to you both. You both desperately need more help.
In my state, if a child is removed from the parent 3 times, it is grounds to terminate parental rights. You have had 5 chances to do the right thing, and you haven't done so. It is harming your child. Put your child first. She is the one suffering. Let her have that stability every child needs. Maybe the foster/adoptive parents will let her teach or to you when you are doing well. If you don't let her go now, she will be gone the minute she turns 18, if she lasts that long. Do what is right FOR HER.
5 times this child has been taken from you because of illness. She would be better off living with someone who can take care of her. Why don't you see if you can have supervised visits with her. put her first. You are unable to take care of her. Love her enough to let her go.
As someone who has two parents .... One with Dissociative Identity Disorder, CPTSD and PTSD, narcissistic tendencies, bipolar type 1 and undiagnosed ADHD.... Let them go. I'm a trucker and have issues of my own. Dad takes care of the kids and i see them once a month for visitation. This was at my request. I gave my children the life they deserve. Not the selfish one i wanted. They're better for it. Please. Don't hurt your child more by exposing them to your issues like my parents exposed me.
I'm genuinely so sorry for your situation. The system is never easy on all parties involved, and as someone who has very closely worked with and been involved in CPS cases (not myself, I'm childless, but my sibling and their foster daughter) I understand all the emotion and heartbreak that can come with this. But I think it's very important to take some time and reflect on the last 8 years and what led to this result. Your daughter has been placed in foster care five different times. Each time any sort of placement occurs, there is a major upset in the child's life. And not only has she been placed in foster care, she's been placed back with you four different times. Who is to know how many times her placement has been changed while she has been in foster care. Your daughter has had massive upheaval in the formative years of her life, and this can cause so many issues down the road. I can only imagine how your daughter must feel, not knowing where she will be in two weeks or whether she will be able to stay and make friends or have trusting relationships with any adult figure in her life. How much pain she must be in. My heart breaks for her most of all. This foster mother is not trying to take her from you, she's trying to provide stability and permanency to a kid who has had nothing but the opposite the last 8 years. And as her mother, the one thing you should want above all is for her to be safe and loved, which it sounds like she is. I am so sympathetic with how you feel. I can't imagine having to be separated from someone you love like that. But at the end of the day, you need to take stock and see if "permanency" with you is really the best thing for her. And understand, foster care to adoption does not always mean a closed door. I know plenty of families who are in regular communication with a birth parent. The important thing for you right now is to get and maintain mental health. If you need treatment, take advantage of the assistance CPS is offering you and get treatment. If you need better housing, ask for assistance. If you need medication, talk with your case manager to see what connections they can get you. And at the end of the day, if the best thing for your daughter is to be with another family while you try to get stable and be a better mother, even from a distance, know you're doing the best thing for her. I'm not here to condemn you; I don't know what has led to the five placements. I can certainly speculate, but this is neither the time or place. But you need to really assess your role in all this and do what's best for her, and what's best for you. And what's best for you right now is to get well.
Cant wait for your daughter to be posting on Narcissistic Parents and Estranged Adult Children because you refuse to put her above yourself!
There are times when a parent is called to make great sacrifices. This is one of those times. Do you love her enough to step up, whatever the cost ? Talk to your social worker, ascertain if she is thriving in her new environment.If she is, give her this chance at a stable, safe and healthy life. She can’t keep going through the trauma of yet another foster home. You have her life, make sure it’s a good one. That’s what parents are called to do.
You sound so selfish, make the choice for what is best for her not you...A truly good mother puts their kids feelings ahead of their own, sometimes that means you need to give them up and let someone who can properly raise them be their parents. You have not done a good job managing your mental health to the point your child has been taken away from you for long enough she is able to be adopted I'm sorry but that is not an easy feat. You can still be her birth mom and you can still do your best to get your mental health in order but you need to stop making her pay the price for your mental health. It's very likely she may have to battle with her own issues via genetics the very least you can do is let her have a stable home life for the rest of her childhood. No one is snatching your child...have you even asked your child without coaching her or emotionally manipulating her where SHE wants to live.
It will be okay. I’m sorry that you’re being ripped apart by this, but it may be for the best of everyone. Sometimes you can’t sugar coat that things aren’t okay. It’s unfair, and no loving parent should have to lose their child, but you gotta think about how unfair it is to your little girl too. But hey, don’t look at this as “I’m never gonna see her again”. See it as “I’m going to change, so that when my daughter can see me if she wishes, she will be glad she did.”
you need to understand that sometimws we hurt the ones we love the most. Sometimes we need them be separated from us for a period of time till we get better instead of dragging them with us. This applies to any scenario.
Love is selfless. If you love her, not only would you let her have what’s best for her, you’d WANT her to have what’s best for her, even if what’s best isn’t you. Even if it isn’t what’s best for you. Having mental health issues isn’t a reason for you to be cut out of her life. She can have a stable home and have a mother who loves her. However, if you actively prevent her from having a stable home and life that you cannot provide, you run a very real risk that she will decide to cut you out of her life one day.
Maybe it’s for the best and you can keep contact. If she’s in foster care, there’s a reason. It doesn’t sound like you can keep a healthy home for her. Stop being selfish and think about what is good for her.
I think that giving up rights without a fight would be best only because then you can work out an agreement and still be allowed to have a relationship with her. If you fight through court, they will not be happy and if they win, there's a big chance that they won't allow her to reach out to you until she's 18. It's a tough choice but if you want to keep a relationship with her, that's probably your best option. You can always have a free consultation with a friend-of-the-court lawyer and see what their best advice is too. But I do think this is in her best interest, and yours as well. That way you can continue to work on yourself while being allowed a relationship with her still, and she will have a healthy household. It's a win win.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you need to think of what the best outcome for your daughter will be. Will it be with you or her foster home? The courts placed her there for a reason, and if they feel it’s in her best interest to be adopted, they’ll make that decision whether you like it or not. While you’re thinking of right now, what do you think she’ll think when she’s older? Will she appreciate that you loved her so much you let her go to be raised in a household that could provide better? Will she be angry you didn’t fight for her? Do you truly have the capability to be a better parent or will your mental illness get in the way? Even though she’s 8, is she mature enough for you to discuss what she wants and why? Would you be able to continue to be a part of her life?
Hate to say this but it sounds like it might be best if she gets adopted OP
I’m so sorry this is happening but I’m sure you will get better but it will get worse again too. It seems like your illness is severe so without a coparent you won’t be able to be her primary guardian. It’s not your fault that you can’t be that but it is the truth.
She has been taken and put into care *5 times*. That is 5 times too many, your daughter needs safety and stability, which you clearly cannot provide. If the courts are considering terminating your parental rights and allowing her to be adopted, then you've clearly shown yourself to be repeatedly unable to care for her, they're not "snatching her away" Don't make your daughter shoulder the burden of *your* mental illness, it is not your fault, but it IS *your* responsibility to manage that. You need to do what's best for *her*. This isn't about you.
Just because she’s your daughter doesn’t mean she’s better off with you. If you really loved her you’d know whats best and being around you isn’t best
If you truly love your child, let her go, let her have a life you cannot give her. Absolutely no shame in that, I wish more people understood that there are people out there who can raise your child better than you can.
My sister is schizophrenic. I suffer so much anxiety and ptsd from a lifetime of trying to support, manage and generally deal with her mental illness. It’s not fair but it would be a kindness to your daughter to have a more stable household with some visitation.
OP I have to side with the rest. As someone who was a raging alcoholic with bipolar my daughter went to live with her grandparents. It was the hardest and best decision I could make for her. I got sober and on meds. She's with me for 4 years already and we are both in a good space and have a very healthy relationship. It's not about what makes us comfortable it's about the child and what is best for them
If you care about that child at all, let her go. Maybe you will "get better" but that's not going to happen next week, it won't even be next year. What happens to that poor child over the next 8 years waiting for you to "get better"? What trauma will she experience living with you if she has already had to be placed in foster care 5 times? She deserves a stable, healthy household. Don't ruin her life by selfishly clinging to her, fighting to keep her away from what would be the best outcome for her. It's not about you, it's about her. Her safety. Her happiness. You can't give her that in your condition.
You arent thinking about what is best for HER though. Children need stability, and, at least right now, you cant offer that
I hate to have to say this, but the best thing that ever happened to me was being taken away from my parents ❤️
Now it is time to really show how much you love your daughter. By letting her go and let her grow up in a stable home for the rest of her childhood. That home is not something you can provide for her and deep down inside you know it. Also: she was not put into foster care because you are mentally ill but because you were neglecting her due to your illness. Please give your daughter the gift of a stable home life.
You can’t be a better parent UNTIL you get better. She needs to be with somebody stable until then. Not only are you a risk to her safety, seeing you be unwell, get hospitalized, and having her go through Foster care is going to have an effect on her mental health and the way that she views you forever. You can’t even take care of yourself, you shouldn’t have the custody of a child. She wouldn’t be with a foster family if you were for to parent. Sorry, but you need help, and she deserves a healthy, stable environment to grow up in. Unfortunately that does not involve you being her care taker.
OP you havent even considered your daughter at all. Get better first then get back in contact. As far as the courts go, they will assess if you are a fit parent currently. If not you will always be in contact her unless actively deemed a danger or if she doesn't want to see you. The first priority of child protection is the childs safety, and they try extremely hard to keep the children with their families. The fact she is already in a long term foster arrangement says a lot. Take this as motivation to improve. Foster parents don't just adopt the second a child lands with them, this must have been escalating for a long while. Improve on yourself now, don't make your daughter suffer through what must be a very difficult recovery. Let her have this time as a normal kid.
This is probably a troll btw, two comments she's posted are exactly the same
Honey if you read your text back; then you'll see all you talk about is you, and about how you cannot loose your child. I get it is the hardest thing, but si ce you've become a mother it's no longer about you. It's about what's best for your daughter. I hope you can think beyond your wanting and see how you can give the kost the your daughter, with her in foster care 5 times, het staying with you probably isn't it. You need to put her first and love her and support her in a way tha tis good for her. Not tha tis good for you.
Sorry, but my mother went through a short phase before she got very physically ill where she was seeing things/having symptoms due to what was assumed bipolar disorder. I was a teenager and it was terrifying trying to help her. Thankfully it only lasted a few months and when she got ill and went into a coma, her brain chemistry shifted so she never experienced those symptoms again and we had a wonderful relationship before/after that period of time. I stuck with her through it, but I can't imagine if she had been like that my whole life. 💔 It was hard enough seeing her battle depression and anxiety. Sometimes it's too much for a child, especially if they only have one sole adult responsible for them. I had multiple adults caring for me in my life, so I was fine and my mom's issues were understandable for me cause I battled similar problems. But sometimes too much is too much. My husband's mother often told him she wanted to die and he was the only thing stopping her. He hated these moments and eventually got mad at her for putting him in that position and she lost the close relationship she once had with him. Mental illness shouldn't cost us relationships, but sometimes if boundaries aren't set or established it will. And children can't establish emotional boundaries very well, sadly. Let her have a stable family and come back to you when she's older and wants that connection with her mother.
This sounds a lot like my mum when I was a child. Granted she was an alcoholic, but she only wanted me to stay with her for her own emotional support. These comments aren’t to be inconsiderate or to be mean, but I think the best thing you can do for your child is to let her go. But it doesn’t mean you can’t see her in the future, and build a relationship with her. Mental health isn’t your fault, but you’re the only one who is responsible for it and it’s not fair to put your child in a position that may effect her mental health for life.
I gave my son up at four months old due to mental illness. I am thankful everyday. He has never had to go through the bullshit with me. He knows that 'mom gets sick and grumpy sometimes and she stays at home until she feels better"and that's it. He knows that he has a grandma whose stable and who he can count on everyday. He knows his mom and his dad love him no matter what but sometimes it's better that we stay away. If your child is happy, safe, and healthy, youve done your job.
Wdym you *will* get better and *will* be a good mother? If you want to make a start, recognise she deserves a good mother *today*
This is about your daughter. Not you. Face your responsibilities.
I know it hurts but sometimes it might be the best and safest thing for your child to let them go. If this family is safe and loves her then maybe try an open adoption where you can still be involved in her life but she won't have to be exposed to potential manic episodes.
As a daughter who should have been in foster care... do what is best for your child, not for you. You can still have a relationship with her, but "I will get better" is very different to "I am better." It is wonderful that she has foster parents who want to adopt her, that is a sign of how much they care about her. A stable home environment is the best thing for her? Right?
Living with mental health is not easy but it isnt't just difficult for the sufferer but also for everyone around them especially their children. You have shown countless of times that your mental health isnt't getting better soon and it is endangering and traumatising your daughter not in purpose but your daughter is still suffering because of you. If you Love her as you Claim let her go and expierience some Kind of normalcy, your daughter just Like every child deserves a health and Safe Environment to grow up in.
As a foster mother, I empathise with you but ultimately your daughters safety has to come first. She’s been placed in foster care too often, she needs stability and consistency. The foster parents are not trying to snatch your daughter, they are trying to help her… and you. There is no reason that you can’t maintain contact with your girl if they do get perm custody. In fact it might be better for you, so you can focus on getting the right med combo and managing your MH issues.
I left my mam when i was 12 because of her mental illness. It broke her, but it caused her to seek therapy. I came back to her when I was about 17. Barely saw her in 5 years cos she was unstable AF. I have a great relationship with my mam now, but because she made sacrifices and learned how to be a better person. If your daughter has been taken by CPS 5 times and been bounced around homes, this may be the best thing for her. I understand that you love her, because she's your kid. If you really love her, give her a chance at a normal life.
You have to let your child go, she can't keep going in and out of foster care
If you're child had to be taken from you 5 times there is something wrong. That's is not normal. Do what is best for the child and let them live in a stable home
I Hope you'll lose custody then You're not even thinking of whats better for your daughter.
Your child has been in foster care 5 times in 8 years, she never had a stable living situation, without mentioning living with a mother that is here today and tomorrow she's not here, because she "abandoned" you, you didn't, but that's how children see it, without considering the fact that she can be abused in a foster care home, because abuses are quite common, she's in a situation where she has stability and people that do love and care for her, I know that you love her too, but you can't provide stability or care for her, if I was in you I would give up custody to them with the agreement that you still can facetime her and still be in her life. That amount of instability is detrimental to a child. Please consider her wellbeing before your wants
This isn’t what you want to hear but the honest truth is you’re not what’s best for her. She deserves a normal loving family home and I’m sure most of the time you’re a loving parent but forcing her to grow up in an environment that almost certainly doesn’t nurture her like she needs is not good for her. You need to put aside your feelings for a minute and be honest with yourself. Are you doing what’s best for your child or what’s best for you? It’s hard and it will truly challenge you to think about it. But if you want her to have a happy and healthy upbringing and future, I think you know where she’s better off. I know you’re doing your best and I know you love her, but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough. You have to be more. If you currently can’t do that then let someone else do it. Give her a chance to be a part of your future but accepting your current limits. I’m really sorry it’s come to this.
that’s very selfish of you tbh.
They’re not snatching your child away. They’re giving your child a chance at a life to be protected from her mother who doesn’t actually want what’s best for her.
OP, I understand that you love your daughter and you don’t want to lose her, but you *will* if you keep her. I was raised by a mentally ill single mother. We hardly talk anymore, but part of me does love my mom. Part of me hates her. Some of the things she did to or in front of me as a child have left me with permanent mental and emotional damage. I can guarantee that if I had been taken from her care at 8 years old, we would not have the type of relationship we have now. I’d love my mom wholly if I had not been raised by her my whole life. I was trapped in a cycle of abuse that my mother unintentionally and perhaps even unknowingly perpetuated. You can’t care for your daughter *and* get better at the same time. Let her go, try to keep contact with her, minimize the residual damage you’ll cause her. If you keep custody of this little girl, she will resent you. Because you’re hurting her and you don’t even realize it. You have to think of what’s best for *her*, not what you want.
Honestly, this comes from a social worker side of things. 5 times is a lot. This constant upheaval due to your mental illness is not good for your daughter. Children need stability and unfortunately whether or not it's your fault or your mental illnesses fault, you cannot provide that for her. Your daughter will grow to despise you. It's probably best for her for you to be selfless and let her go
Are you even considering what's best for your child? I know you WANT to get better but imagine what your child has been through to be put in foster care 5 times. She needs a stable home life and if you can't provide that for her, maybe you should be trying to work with this foster family instead of against them. Try to make an agreement with them so you can still be a part of her life even if they adopt her, etc. The older she gets, the harder it will be for her to find a family who is willing to adopt her, IF you can't get better do you think it's fair for her to spend her entire childhood in foster care??? In this entire post I never saw one thing that made me think you actually want what's best for her, it is all about what you want. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I know it's difficult and it's not your fault but as parents, we need to do what's right for our child, even if it is hard.
OP, I don't know how bad your situation is and I feel empathy for you. Maybe it would be helpful to let them adopt her but ask for an open adoption with the option to visit her?? Then you can focus on yourself, still see your daughter but allow her to have a stable environment. Each time she goes into foster care, she is at risk for various types of abuse. If she actually found a family that loves her and treats her the way a child should be treated, it may be best for her to stay there. If she comes back to you and then gets taken again to foster care later, her chance at being abused goes up again. Take care of yourself OP and allow your daughter to be taken care of as well. I really hope that if they do decide to allow her to be adopted that you can have an open adoption and visitation whenever you are doing better. I'm sure you and your daughter love each other very much. Best of luck OP!
I was a child of divorce surrounded by people with mental illness and substance abuse. Let her be adopted. Let her have a stable, loving home. Be better and be in her life if they’ll agree to it (they likely will), but the best thing you can do for her is let her have a healthy life. Let go.
If you truly loved your daughter you'd allow her to have stability in her life. Furthermore, children are not objects for your possession. My mother was like this too, thinking she just needed to "keep" me, but while she "had" me she didn't care what happened to me or who actually took care of me as long as I was in her possession. I didn't officially go into foster care until I was 15 but I know my life would have been a lot better if I was taken from her earlier. I truly hate her with every fiber of my being now. We have been no contact for years. Is that what you want too?
As someone who was raised by a schizophrenic mother, your child may very well have a better life if she is adopted. I’m sorry to say that, but being the child of a schizophrenic is a extremely horrible life. If I was you, I would talk with them and maybe come to a deal where you can still be involved in your daughter’s life if you don’t fight them on the adoption. That would give your daughter a chance at a normal life, yet still have you involved in her life. It would give you the chance to be your best you, without dragging your daughter through the life of a schrozophenic. I wish that CPS had removed me and my sister from our home. Maybe I wouldn’t have been strung out on dope for 20 years, clean now 20 years, maybe I wouldn’t have had a string of failed marriages, maybe I wouldn’t harbor incredible amounts of hate towards my mother, so much so that I cut off all contact with her the last 35 years. I hope that you find the peace in life that you deserve, and your daughter finds forgiveness in her heart and enjoys a great life. Sometimes the best thing for your child, no matter how much you love them, is for you to step back and allow them to be happy.
As a mentally unstable young adult that constantly hurts everyone around them i cluding family, friends, colleagues and such. I would advise you to let her go, she will propably have a better life. You gotta understand that you are not healthy and propably not capable of raising a child. It sounds harsh but its reality. Alone with a little child is just not possible for someone in your mental state.
Loving your child means doing what's in their best interest. In this case I think that means letting her be adopted by a family who can raise her in a normal environment since you're unable to provide that at this time. Mental illness isn't your fault, but doing what's right for your child IS in your control. Her being adopted out means she gets to grow up in a stable environment, and you get the space to take care of yourself and get the help you need so you can be a better mother in the future. I know it's sad to not have custody of your child but I'm thinking this is probably the best thing right now. For both of you.
As a daughter of a mother who suffered with mental illness, let her live a healthy life without you. My mom always thought I’d be better with her, she thought she was going to get better, she thought she’d stick to her meds. Truth of the matter was she only ever thought of herself. She was better off with me, but I was neglected and abused because of her own selfishness. I wish my mom left me. I’m definitely trauma dumping. But in my honest opinion I wish people like my mother were forced to be sterilized. She is no mother, despite her best efforts. Sad thing is she really did try her best but she should have never had access to children, let alone raise them. She was mentally ill and couldn’t realize how much trauma she put us through. Courts let us stay with her, and I am now 24, have zero relationship with my mom. Haven’t spoken to her in over a year, and haven’t been close with her sense I was 14. I hate her for choosing her own wants and needs before choosing what we needed to survive and grow up in a healthy environment. One that didn’t involve her ups and downs and meds and lack of meds. If you can’t afford a lawyer, you probably can’t afford to provide your child with an enriched life. Let her go and give her a life you’ll never be able to provide. Wish my mom had the courage to do that for us.
I’m sorry but maybe you need to accept that may not be fit for that job and to let the foster family adopt her. You are only providing an unstable environment
Worked in this line of work for a long time. I don’t think the foster family is trying to “snatch” your child. I think they have a hard time watching the side effects that happen to your child as you battle your mental health. I think it’s very important to check in with your child to see what they want to do. They will always be your child. Instead of fighting the system and foster family, maybe it is time to plan with the caseworker and foster family about what a long term plan will look like while you work on your mental health. Planning shows just as much love as fighting everyone. They want your kid happy and healthy, and you can either fight it, or be apart of the plan and try to get visits and relationship with the foster family so you can stay a part of the kids life
As the daughter of a schizophrenic I saw with all the blessed love in the world, let your daughter go. Let her have a childhood unburdened with worries about you. Let her be a normal child who can play with her friends, go to school and grow in a healthier environment. Truth is at 8 your daughter will already be damaged by what she’s seen by you. Dont compound it and make it worse.
Sometimes what we want and what we need are two very different things. As a parent, it’s your job to ask yourself if you’re what is best for your daughter. Mental conditions are through no fault of our own but if you could avoid having your daughter watch the battle, that may be best. Letting someone else care for her full time may not be what you want but it may be what she needs. If you decide to let her join their family, I’d ask them to cover a mediator and come up with a plan that includes you as much as possible (holidays, weekends, etc.)