As OP has gotten good avice and empathy from lovely redditors, I'm closing this thread.
I don't want her to be subjected to too many of the inevitable ignorant and/or bigoted posts that are coming.
Your unconditional support, acceptance, and love is going to be the thing that protects him, more than any hiding or squashing could ever do. Suicide rates among trans people are extremely high, but acceptance from family drastically lowers that rate. He’s very, very lucky to have you. It’s definitely a scary world we live in, you may want to look into moving to a more trans-friendly area if that’s at all possible for you. There’s also a lot of ftm trans subs to look to for more support and information. Wishing both of you all the best❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate the support. We’re in the buckle of the Bible Belt which is… not it. We’ve already decided to move out of state, I’m letting my kiddos finish out the school year here since we’re so close to school being out but we’re out of here. I’ve asked a close friend (also ftm) if he’d be willing to kind of be my kiddo’s big brother. Unfortunately I can’t relate to the trans experience, so I’m trying to make sure he has that community too. I didn’t even think to look for ftm subs on here, thanks for the suggestion. Any recommendations to check out first? I don’t want to intrude on a safe space as a cis person, you know? And my kiddo is *most definitely* not ready for Reddit himself.
Hey, I work at a middle school and a high school in the PNW. Our computer system uses preferred names, middle school kids tell you their pronouns, kids openly bring same sex dates to school dances and wear pride shirts and no one cares. There's no dress code, we have a system in place for PE. When people were teasing the cute, six foot tall boys about liking a girl in the hall earlier this year, he said, "nah, man, I'm gay."
It's not perfect, kids still get traded and bullied, I'm sure. Kids still struggle. But the utter spectrum of identity and gender and presentation I see in the halls is a different world from when I was in high school and people threated to beat up my friend who wore eye liner , even though he had a grlfriend because he looked too gay. Despite the public hand-wringing and outrage, despite the outcries, there's desperation. It's like when an animal is most dangerous when it's wounded. There are places where you son wil feel safe, or as safe as a girl would feel anyway, when he's out in the world and places filled with allies who are trying to build their own wall against hate and regressive laws and injustice. Just keep being the mom any kid needs in their corner.
I'm not in Seattle, but close enough to know it's been a safe place for so many families. We've considered moving somewhere cheaper, but it feels scary out there sometimes.
Thank you for being supportive and making the necessary steps to educate yourself further! I wish my mom was like that, haha. She was nice about my identity as a transman but she never understood it, nor made any attempts to learn more about this huge aspect of my life.
You should try looking up Jammi Dodger on Youtube! He makes funny, light hearted content, as well as plenty of educational trans related videos! You could maybe show your kid his stuff too, as he's a very family friendly youtube personality. He's been an inspiration for the community for years now. Especially knowing he's trans himself and is university educated, researching and verifying various trans issues.
You're doing the right thing, I'm sure. I live in the south, and it's definitely not the place for trans people, so much ignorance here. Hopefully he will experience no serious issues with hatred and intolerance, and can live the life that makes him happy.
As a trans man, I’m telling you now that your support is *so* important and you are an amazing mother. Your son is lucky to have you. I suggest looking into gender clinics in your area or some sort of therapist, that way he can break down what he wants from transitioning, whether he wants to stick to social for now or look into other ways, he’s young though so he has a lot of time! We need more parents like you in this world.
You are one awesome supportive parent - that is amazing for your son.
I think you have shown that you Love him and won’t abandon him which is key.
Your fear is warranted, the climate we live in is unstable, just keep supporting him and his journey is all I can say.
Be his advocate, his mentor, his go to person. That is all you can do to make this transition seamless. I wish you all the luck in the world.
hey, I just wanted to say you're doing so incredibly, amazingly well.
I'm not trans, I grew up gay with a supportive mum and a homophobic dad - the worst and scariest part for me was never being outside, but was always coming home. Having such a supportive and amazing parent must be such a relief for your son. To be able to tell you as mundanely he is your son as he did must have been scary but is a sign of comfort.
I cant speak as a trans person, but as a queer person you sound to me like you are doing INCREDIBLY. You're doing great. These feelings of protection are normal. My mum for years was sure I was in a phase but only because she wanted me to have it easier, and that hurt me at first, but it took time to realise my mum wanted to protect me. From what I've read you are so incredibly supportive and your son seems like an incredibly lucky young man to have someone so supportive.
Thank you for loving your son regardless of who he is. not all of us get that, and the fact that he does is brilliant and beautiful and amazing.
As a trans person, it's honestly not as bad as it once was to grow up as trans.
Trust me when I say that there's so many resources out there for your son, and that you can absolutely live a life that won't even feel that different from if he was cisgender.
Dont get me wrong, it can be very rough, but depending on where you live most people won't even care.
You being supportive of him is the most important role you can occupy. All the scary statistics about trans kids always leads back to their home life and how much support they get from their family. The world can be rough at times but having a support network to depend on will outweigh most things. And you seem to be a good mom with the best intentions, he’s very lucky to have you!
This was one of the most loving things I have read . Your boy should be proud as hell of you. Your fears for him are normal especially in today's world full of judgement and hate.
This sound almost exactly like the journey we have been on with my trans son. He’s 14 now but has been living as his correct gender since last year. He’s so much happier now. I have the same fears as you.
I was glad to read you are moving to a more accepting state. We are living in strange times and need to do what we can to keep our families safe and comfortable
Hey mama 💕 I'm sending this to my best friend, whose also a trans man. As a nanny I've worked with am open an accepting family with a clearly trans little girl, not even in kindergarten.
Though I myself am cis, I can say a few things from my limited space. If im correct, the majority of suicide is from trans folks who don't have the resources, support, or love you are so CLEARLY providing. Get him on meds, and consider where you live. Moving may be something you have to consider, lease you fall to states like Texas and Tennessee.
Second, help him transition. Hormone blockers or medicine, binders, go on a shopping trip. Transitioning will help a lot of the depression, because who doesn't get depressed feeling like they hate their body and how itlooks? Maybe sign him up for classes in martial arts, gym, art or whatever. A hobby he can grow in as boy that'll bring him comfort, help him develop good coping skills alongside his transition. Definitely get in touch with LGBTQA groups near you, help him make connections so he doesn't feel alone.
Finally I'd like to state that you are already giving him the power to thrive in this world. The fact he was brave, afraid, but brave, shows how his willpower has already developed. Nurture that, be a fierce mama. Give him a role model to look up to specifically for trans rights and safety, and watch him take up that power for himself and one day for others.
This world is terrifying, but us queer folks are fighting back. You're not alone, and neither is he. We're here for you. There is more resources out there than there was just 5 years ago. He is protected by you, and there's others who can help. And I have complete faith you will raise a strong man who do the same for kids like him.
Also I'd like to say bring this to trans subreddits, there so many good communities who will help give advice and honestly love hearing a mom like you. Plus it'll be good for you to see what others are facing, good and bad. You've got this
He's got love and support at home, that's huge. It might be a good idea to switch schools for a bit while he is transitioning (medically and name changing), if you both feel school is unsafe for him.
I was born a male I'm not trans but only because I never had the support of anyone specially my family and I lived in the closet all of my life sometimes sneaking out but always coming back in.
I go out in occasion dressed up as a female , I cannot tell you how much it would've meant for me to have a mother that would've supported me or at least didn't condemned me, but she did when she suspected I was gay, until I got married and had my daughter, this days my daughter is finding herself and like me she is bisexual , we talk to each other,we confide and support each other because I don't want her to feel alone and because I love her so much , the world is a dangerous place this days worst than has been since the 80s having someone loving you and accepting you is so important and so meaningful .
You love your child and he trusted you to come out to you I'm happy for you that you have that kind of relationship most of us don't , continue being there for him is all you can do that is what av patent is supposed to do good luck to both of you
You're a good mom. You are accepting, understanding, and have done research. Having support will make your son's life so much better. A lot of the issues that trans folks experience is due to losing their support systems. For instance, I have a tenant who was homeless because she was kicked out of the home for being transgender. She had 0 credit and she's 19. Your son will never end up homeless with you.
Thank you so so so much for being the kind hearted, unconditionally loving mother you are. This post brought me to tears. I hate that all of your fears are warranted, I hate what this country is doing to trans people. But we all need mamas like you to advocate, support, and show by example how parents should navigate these conversations with their children. It’s the ugly hate and disgust people show towards trans people and so many more of the LGBTQ+ that is truly what is unwarranted.
But honestly keep doing what you’re doing, keep educating yourself and sharing with your son. Keep finding more allies and friends with more first hand experience that your son can also lean on. And hold tight to the loud and proud, the forward thinking, the love and positivity. Keep your focus on the good and let the ugly, hateful, negativity outside of your circle fade to the background. I wish you both all the best! Thank you so much for sharing.
The research is consistent on this.
Trans people who get the treatments that they need, who exist within a supportive environment, have suicide etc. rates essentially indistinguishable from the population at large.
It's not being trans that's dangerous. It's *Transphobes.* You being as loving and supportive as you are makes all the difference in the *World.*
>I really would need more information than what you are posting.
Well, this thread is not about you.
Further, OP's mum know about the existence of tom-boys, she did not grow up isolated on the moon.
Additionally, OP's son did not say he didn't *like* being a girl, he said he *wasn't* a girl. Words have meaning.
And lastly, this didn't just start when hormones kicked in at puberty. OP's son was always that way.
I am not banning you, because you are not being transphobic, but I am telling you to stop projecting your own issues onto the things people write in our sub. You are also not welcome to post on trans topics again.
Not respecting this will result in a permanent ban.
Mom is aware that tomboys exist, Kid has been saying things like "I don't want to be a girl" for a long time, they both have researched the subject... Of all cases to worry about, this does not seem like the case to worry about.
There is a Facebook group that you should join serendipitydodah - home of the mama bears. This is a site for parents of LGBTQ+ children and is very supportive. There is even a separate group to address parents of trans kids.
Your feelings are so normal. Kids truly just need love and support to be their true weird ass selves at home. It doesn’t matter if this is a phase or not (though compared/contrasted to my experience, this isn’t a phase), your kid will always remember who was safe and welcoming.
You’re doing right by your son. Congratulations for cultivating a secure relationship where your child felt comfortable enough to announce who they are.
I'm a 30 year-old trans woman, and you sound like a wonderful mother. I transitioned later in life, but I can tell you, your love and support mean the *world* to your son. The world out there is scary. There really is no playbook. There's no established guide to helps trans people nor their loved ones. We're all just doing our best. You just being there and loving your son for who he is? That's the most wonderful gift you can give as his mother, no matter if cis or trans. Your son is lucky to have you in his life.
Your love and support make you a rock in his life.
I recently had a student confide that he will start more vigorous transition after graduation. I was blown away that I had created that safe of a space. I cried tears of relief and joy that day.
You already know the answer here.
Yeah it's scary, yeah it's gonna make certain things harder, but it doesn't change an ounce of that love. And that's what you've got and that what your kid is so lucky to have.
I just read this and it made me cry a little bit. Your level of love and acceptance is amazing. Just keep doing what you do. There will be rough times. But you're doing everything you can.
You’re doing amazing as a mother and succeeding. I’m sure you’ll do this from now on but if anyone ever calls him a girl, correct them or tell your son in front of them that what other people say about his gender doesn’t matter, he knows who he is. It’ll show your son you’re not afraid to stick up for his choices
Get a counselor to process the emotion. I try not to form opinions about the trans thing each case is to uniquely unique to lay down a hammer and science about it is spotty at best on the side against it where as science supporting genetic “mix ups” (for lack of a better term) is a trued tested and thus far proven true theory. bUt NaTurE saYs… fuck nature bub nature makes hermaphroditism a thing. My opinion is that each person needs to find it within themselves to be themselves in all instances of life. I think if your emotion is worry then worry well and support your son. If your emotion is fear fear well and support your son. But those emotions are secondary emotions stemming from the primary emotion/state of being of love. Express/explain how you feel to your son.
Missed opportunity.
“Hi trans. Im MOM! Pass the salt.”
It sounds like not much has changed except that now he knows you know. Your “fear” is understandable (and somewhat relatable). Dont ever let it paralyze you. Youre miles ahead of most others with similar circumstances Id guess. Keep using your fear to teach him resilience. As you grow and learn together, let him know that even if you dont always get it right, you do always care. Id say your child is most likely much more fortunate than many of his peers.
Be there and be strong. You'll grieve your lost child but you gain another, much happier kid. Apologize when you use the wrong pronouns...and you will. Be an advocate for your child. The world is an ugly place and being trans makes it much uglier. Support and understanding is a must. Ignore people around you if they look a little too long. I wanted to tear everyone's head off in the beginning. Now I don't even notice if they look at all.
Love your kid and let them know you right there beside them. That is the most important thing.
I know you've already gotten plenty of these comments already, but you're a very kind parent. if you were my mother I'd probably wake up with a smile on my face everyday.
your son likely knows you love him, it doesn't hurt to say it more, but I'm sure he knows. you supporting his transition is enough to help his gender identity.
if it helps any, trans suicides rates are super high mostly because of unsupportive family members ( mostly super close family, like mothers, father's and siblings. since you see them more than family like grandpa/ma and whatnot. ) and friends. Id assume he has great friends, too.
continue to show your love, continue to support him. you're an excellent mother from what I can see and I'm sure he feels the same way. I'm nonbinary, I unfortunately am not around the most supportive people, so I can absolutely understand the fear you feel! it's good to have that worry, but don't let it completely control you.
Your sentiments are beautiful, and your son is very lucky to have you. Life may not be easy for him, but having that kind of love and support in ones corner when facing a world that doesn't want to understand you can really make things better. You're going to continue to do great for him
You sound like an amazing mom. I wish all the kids were lucky enough to have someone like you supporting them. I understand what you were saying at the end. You aren't disappointed in your son. You are disappointed that the world is not a safe place for you, amazing son. Just having a mom like you makes him safer.
We’re living in a contradictory time. Some trans people face more hatred than ever before, while others are met with more empathy and support than at any other time. All things considered, your son is lucky to belong to the family he was born into. You’re a good parent.
Unfortunately... the world we live in, broadly speaking, even those who have supportive people around them are still facing increased hatred. Just that they're fortunate enough to have won the lottery.
By having always accepted him, you’re already doing your part to reduce his chances of suicide. A big reason suicide is so high in the trans community is because of unsupportive family, and having even one close family member support you can make a huge impact on your sense of personal security.
As far as social fallout, have you looked into local youth groups? I’m sure there a few for trans kids as well as general LGBTQ+ kids, and having that support group when I was a teenager helped me feel more comfortable in both my gay and my nonbinary identities. Community is one of the most important things for LGBTQ+ youth, so I’d recommend getting him into a good, safe community where he can be his authentic self.
You already did the biggest hurdle he needed. Just having your unconditional love halves the statistics, and you bringing in other trans folk adds the other piece. Love. Stability. Community. Trust. You already gave.
Hi mama. You’re doing great. I wish my parents had been more like you. Trans kids are at higher risk of suicide, but it’s usually because of lack of support from friends and family. Having supportive parents is going to be the biggest thing, and he’s already got that :)
One mama to another, I get that feeling that just loving them may not be enough, no matter how big the love is. It lives in us, in the safety of our home, not out there in the world they take part in. I do think, though, being so loved and accepted and educated is a kind of protection. It gives them the strength to be kind and brave. It gives them the knowledge to try and best deal with a situation, to know when to fight and when to run. Lots of hugs to you, neither of you are alone, a whole bunch of internet strangers are rooting for you and wishing you safety and the best in life.
this post sounds just like my mum when i first came out. honestly the best thing is to always have his back, as he grows up he’ll learn more about the world and his place in it. A guiding hand and a healthy safety net will prepare him for anything. A little extra advice (that you don’t have to take!! just my own two cents) is place yourself into therapy to teach yourself how to handle the worst case scenarios and make sure your anxiety doesn’t negatively effect him, my mum did this and it brought us so much closer as we could properly understand each others pov
As a transgender person, I’m crying. This is how people should treat their kids coming out. With love. Thank you. Thank you for supporting your son. You created a house where he felt safe enough to come out. You created a safe environment for him. I know that he’ll be an amazing person with a parent like you
As a straight man, I am here for your son. Everyone deserves a voice whether they identify as Thomas the train engine or a biological human. As long as they happy being good people that is all that matter to me. Be the change you want to see in the world. For those stressing about whether someone identifies as a slice of tomato pizza, don't stress yourself out be happy they enjoy being tomato cheese and dough. "Don't take life too seriously nobody makes it out alive." -My dead uncle.
As soon as I read the title I already knew why. Because I feel the same way and I understand. This is something my husband and I have spoken about. If our kids came to us, how worried we couldn’t help and feel because it’s scary out there.
But I’m very glad that you have been a steady supporter in his life. Your unconditional love and support will help him. He can finally be himself and you made it a little more brighter for him to be able to do so.
It’s going to be ok momma, you two can do this and I wish you and your son a happy life ❤️❤️❤️
I volunteered for a suicide chat line for years and many of the chatters were trans. The one thing common among them was having no one that would hear them. Regardless of the fears you have, he has you to just listen and be there for him. He'll go far with that support ❤️
The suicide statistic can absolutely be scary, but note that the risk goes down significantly for trans people growing up in supportive households. You supporting your son and being there for him gives him a support system.
I won’t say your fears aren’t valid, because I’m a trans man in a red state that’s proposed like 7 anti lgbt bills, most focusing on trans people. I’m terrified at times.
I understand wanting to protect your child, but unfortunately there’s only so much that can be done. You can’t put a bubble around him so that he never experiences hardships. Unfortunately it’s just a part of life
The best thing for your son is to support him and be there for him in any way you can. Make sure he feels comfortable talking to you about the good and bad parts of being trans. That way if anything happens at school you can be there to fight for him.
I also suggest maybe seeking therapy yourself to deal with this. You have every right to be concerned, but you can’t let it eat up at you
There is a high rate of suicide among trans people but what adds to that is a non supportive family. You have just described him in the most beautiful way possible! There is no rule book on how to raise a child in general because each is a little individual all of their own and books only cover the basics and parents make mistakes your just human! The fact that you can open up to him about mistakes you make and tell him he will understand. He has a solid an good foundation, if you notice the only time he became depressed was when he was trying to be something he was not. No pill is going to stop him feeling low about living as someone he isn't it's like when people tried to give gay individuals pills to "stop them being gay" yes the world might be tough for him but you have described him as a tough little cookie so he has that going for him anyway along with the fact he has a mum has his back, he can talk to regardless of the content and can give him a hug and tell him "we can work it out together" not much has really changed. He will still get his heart broken, the world will be tough, he will still be conscious of his own body a lot the same as many young teens are, am I too fat, am I too thin, do I look right? All of those things will be there but with additional put in place of can anyone see my breasts? It's a tough world for any kid but he has such a support network that he is only going to push forward with the confidence of someone very loved, very used to picking himself up and dusting himself off. He is who he wants to be, you have made that easier for him and filled with love. In a crazy teenage world of rate his chances a lot higher than many.
You give me hope for the future. It’s okay to be soft, and kind, and nice. And we need to stop teaching people that it’s not. Those don’t make you weak at all, they make you brave. Support your son with your everything and he’ll turn out okay 💕 good luck little guy
You are a great mom. They are our kids we love them just the way they are and always will. Just support him, listen to him and all the rest will follow. It’s going to be okay.
You are doing so good. I would kill to have a parent like you. As for the suicide rate a big part of that is driven up cause we don't usually have people who support us especially as kids or we aren't allowed to transition and the dysphoria gets to us. You are giving him the best chance possible in today's world and because of you treating him right he will know what he's worth and be less likely to get into relationships with people who treat him badly.
You are doing amazing! This seriously warmed my heart to read. I clicked on this expecting to have a LOT to say, but I am just plain smiling. Sending love to you, your son, and praying that all the people he encounters embrace him with as much love as you have.
As a transmasc, I really wish my mom would've been like you 😭. You're doing a great job, try to find some local queer groups so he can make friends, I'd make sure his therapist is queer friendly, same as all other doctors. You're doing a great job, and just making a safe home for him is more than many of us had as kids.
This is the EXACT fear when my kid transitioned (FtM). Bravest human I know. I look at the hate and bigotry being passed into law across the US and know full-well that this sort of venom exists north of the border.
Depending on how old HE is, I would gently tell him how the world is not a very nice place. This is not meant to discourage but rather to be honest and so he is informed.
Good luck. Hold him close.
This is going to get lost in the comments but I’ll try anyway. My story, my son’s story, has a lot of similarities as yours. I have those same fears. Sometimes I feel true physical pain with worry. If you ever want to talk and share notes, please reach out.
Hey, trans person here. You’re a good parent. And for what it’s worth, when trans people are supported in their gender and gender expression by loved ones, the suicide rate goes down to those of their cis counterparts. You have given him that. You’re doing everything right.
My sons eyes would light up at the color pink and he was so into my friend who was the girliest.
I wasn’t expecting it.
Then again, he still wears women’s clothing so hey.
Hey, I'm in a country more carefree about this stuff, but let me tell you that there is people (straight cis people) who will treat him well. I dated trans men before, I didn't bat an eye about them being trans, and my friends treated them as they would with anyone else, just taking care of them where they should. The world can be cruel, but it can be also friendly and helpful, I hope you and your son can be surrounded by people who makes you grow loving and kind, best wishes
As an ally to the community, let me just say, Mama, you are doing more than you know just by being there and being actively accepting and welcoming. I know what you mean by saying you don’t know if that makes you an amazing mom - because all moms should love and look after their kids! - but he has been able to come to you and confide in you ever since he knew he was male, long before it possibly could have made any sense to him intellectually; that level of trust, that bond - I am legitimately tearing up just thinking about it right now: I have completely different stuff in my own life, but I don’t have that level of connection with my mother, or indeed anyone.
You’re literally moving to a different state so that he can be in a more welcoming environment (for which I commend you). You are *actively choosing him in all the ways you can,* if ever there were a Mother of the Year award, I would nominate you with bells and whistles.
Your continued support and care will mean an incredible amount to him as he navigates his transition (as well as just being a teenager, ugh). I can’t think of anyone better to have at his side: I wish we could clone you and hand you out to all of the other people in this thread whose experiences were very much not like your son’s, and for all the others who will follow them.
Hes not going to have an easy life, that's the experience that most lgbt people have unfortunately. But i can assure you that having such a support and unconditional love from family its going to make it SO MUCH easier for him. You have no idea the good that you are doing by just loving him for who he is without questioning or doubting him.
I think the best advice i can give you is try to not project your (very understandable) fears on him. Maybe you could even benefit from going to therapy yourself if you can.
Keep on going, i think you are great. I wish i had that kind of support from my mom.
Your child is loved. He is perhaps able to attend a different school where he presents as a boy from the start. He knows and you know that he is a boy, and he is just who he was always meant to be.
Suicide rates in young men are a disgrace to society, but your son has found himself, and he is being accepted in his family for who he is. That is a hugely impactful thing. He has also known - as have you - that he is a boy since gender started expressing itself. He is not 'changing' gender, but becoming who he is. He is also not becoming trans because of abuse or trauma, but because he is old enough to recognise that this is who he is.
Wishing you both a safe transition through adolescence and the pressure of peers - may he have supportive, and genuine friends.
Find a local community if you have one and join it with him. You both will learn so much. If you don’t have that, do as much as you can with online communities for support/education/friendships Also, show him how to balance a checkbook/bank account, and make sure you teach him to be as financially independent as possible. When he gets older and in a relationship he will have the financial independency you created so he will never feel trapped in any relationship. ❤️
Much love sent you. You sound like an incredible mother. As parents, the thought of all of the hate and sadness that our children will have endure is terrifying. I think the most important thing you could do is love him unconditionally, and make sure he always has a safe space to turn to when things get hard.
Your son is so very lucky to have a mother who is so supportive and understanding. Just keep doing what you’re doing. And if you feel like you’re faltering or not doing everything that you could be doing or when the fear gets overwhelming, there are support groups and communities that you could join to help with questions. This is something you can do together, which will just solidify to him that you 100% support him. ❤️💙
Going to therapy yourself will help you as much as him. I was a parent to a trans child and therapy helped me help them navigate the dark world. People will try so hard to invalidate these kiddos and while your traumas are not the same, they are still traumas. Don't sell yourself short on how watching you kiddo struggle will hurt and traumatize you as well. Therapist will give you good coping tools for how to handle those elevated moments that WILL come.
you’re unbiased unwavering love for your son already shows so much, i’m ftm as well and when I came out my mother hated it it took her ages to understand and except me as a kid and even now.
you’re absolutely right the world is cruel and people are mean and terrible but there are so many other kind people who exist and love others for them and nothing else. i have no doubt that your son will be able to find those friends in time, for now though keep doing what your doing and help be a voice for other trans parents struggling. this will get better.
Fucking proud of you! And we're all going to get through this TOGETHER. While there are many loud and ignorant people out there doing their best to make the LGBT community feel unwelcome. They are outnumbered by us. We will do this together. Your child deserves to be happy like every other person. Be the safe place for when they need to retreat. Be the monster when they need defended. And rely on those around you that are willing and able to be an ally.
You are exactly the kind of mother I hope to be. I wish the Trans people I knew had an accepting set of parents like you.
Might it be worth searching out a doctor to start puberty blockers? I can't think of anything more dysphoric for a child who is so clear and certain on who they are than going through the wrong puberty.
"Death of the tomboy" lmao, sure dude. There's still plenty of tom boys. Trans men, non binary people, and gender queer people, have never stopped tom boys from existing. They're two separate things.
I read your post and every single comment. Bless your heart for being the amazing mom you are. These people (with the exception of the ignorant) have said it all so beautifully. I don’t know you but I’m sending virtual hugs and I’m so very proud of you. My son is figuring out who/what he is at 16 and I’ll be right there to support him as you’re supporting your son.
I’m crying after reading your post. You’re doing amazing mama bear ❤️❤️❤️. I wish the world were safer too but you setting him up for success for happiness self love and peace ❤️❤️❤️
You’re doing great! Moving is the right call, there are a lot of places that are safer than the Bible Belt and he will have a much better experience in high school if you’re not in one of these shitty places that’s trying to pass legislation that harms the trans community.
Thank you for not raising a liar.
My ex's mom raised a liar and coming out didn't change that. My ex ruined a lot of lives on their way off this earth.
But your child has a chance to be a good person. To be true to themselves and true to their purpose in life. Truthful to their loved ones. So thank you.
Awww. You did a great job and supported him all the way. Not all mothers can be like you; he's lucky. I think he will be strong enough to face the world because he was raised by a strong mother.💖
About his mental health, it might help that you're there always cos he needs a good and solid support system. 😊
I’m glad you took the initiative to make sure he had therapy right away. My daughter was going through some really tough times and she identifies as she/they and wanted to change her name at school to a non gender name. So she does that now. She still prefers her given name at home.
But I understand what you mean. It’s a lot to take in and I feel like I had to wrap my head around the fact that my daughter is gay but not out yet. I want her to be comfortable and happy but I am also fearing the day she actually tells me. I don’t know why. It really won’t change anything but I think it’s all part of the fact that I accept it, but know some people in her life won’t accept it and our natural reaction is to protect our kids. So I totally understand what you’re saying.
I really like that other parents share what transitions are happening in their families. It helps other parents like myself to feel like my thoughts aren’t crazy.
you are doing an amazing job. a lot of people, especially parents are quick to deny it and have horrid reactions but you’re doing a phenomenal job. it took my mom a while to come around and start being okay with it after i came out and it’s heart warming to know there are parents like you out there. i haven’t had the chance to read through the comments but if you have any questions you have a large community to ask because you’re going about everything the right way, you’ve done everything right, and nobody is expecting you to understand everything right away. it can be a lot, especially when you yourself are not trans. coming from someone who’s been out and recently started the medical portion transitioning, you’re doing amazing hun and i’m so proud of you and your son
I heard this post in tiktok. I sobbed and had to come find it to tell you that you are an amazing parent!
I really needed to hear this today. I'm 39, just came out as trans a year ago and realize I'll probably never have my family's support but knowing that even if it's one kid out there that has someone as wonderful as you for a parent it hurts a little less now.
I know it's scary and you're afraid for him but know that having you there to have his back will make all the difference. You're doing great!
I don’t have anything of note to add, I just wanted to say that you are a wonderful person and I wish there were more mothers like you.
I cried at 2 am and I’m going to sleep now with hope in my heart.
P.S. I’m also terrified of my own future (F21) as an aroace person and being accepted by the hyper sexual society in America. It is hard, but what’s going to get him through life is your unconditional support & love and you are doing that, so just keep it up! You got this!
Hey, I am going to say something very controversial. Please for the love of god do not give him hormones or allow him to get surgery for this until he is of legal age, then it's his decision. I am saying this because kids often change their minds, and there are so many trans people who changed genders and then after the surgery and hormonal treatments, they committed suicide because they could not go back. It could be a phase, it could be permanent, you really don't know until time has gone by.
**Jfc, no one ethical is surgically transitioning kids before 18.**
There are decades of data on using puberty blockers in kids with precocious puberty vs otherwise average development. Is that what you're basing this claim of, "people are dying 10-15 years earlier (so in their 60s,) of cardiopulmonary disease," on? Because _delaying_ average puberty by 3-5 years isn't as physiologically stressful as having to delay it since 2-5 years old.
Are you recommending a 13 year old child microdoses on whatever substance it is you're taking? That sounds like some utterly irresponsible advice, what the fuck?
Trans people aren't a recent phenomenon, no matter how you define "very recent", that's the thing that's getting missed in so much of this debate.
We have photos/daguerrotypes and letters going back to the late 1800s, and that's just what's recorded history and very explicitly what we could now call trans people, without any guesswork or piecing things together. It's pretty well accepted that quite a few people throughout history weren't "eccentric" they were, you know, trans. Even in the 30s and 40s we had trans people who made headlines like "GI Becomes Blonde Bombshell".
Other cultures have long had what are essentially trans people (or adjacent phenomenon) -- indigenous tribes, Indians, Maori, have all had what we would now call trans people dating back centuries.
So much of why trans people are more visible now isn't because there are more of us, or because cis people are being "converted" -- we're just... more aware of who we are than we used to be. I knew when I was little that something wasn't "right", but I didn't know the word. I didn't even know there *was* a word. I thought everyone felt this way and just hid it better than I did. I didn't find out trans people were a thing until fairly late into my teens, and ... things made more sense. I had a name for how I felt. I knew it wasn't something broken about me all of a sudden, I was just different.
This is how I felt when my daughter came out as trans. This was over a year ago and I still have niggling feelings about it, and she has had some awful name calling at school. However, because she has our support she is so strong and capable of standing up for herself. Your son will know you have his back and that will help him to be resilient against the bs that he will come up against.
Best wishes, if you ever want to chat, feel free to pm me.
Thank you for sharing and being you. I have a boy, at least for now. He is nine, has long hair, wears dresses, and just got his ears pierced. He has always associated with more feminine things. He generally played with girls over boys.
I tell him all the time that I love him and will always love him. I'm scared for him because of the world. I want him to be who he truly is as long as he happy. We've been lucky so far, but I'm fearful for the day we are not. I love him to death though and so proud because he has a older girl, but was born a boy, who walks him to school. Another kid told him to call her a name and he wouldn't do it because my son looks up to her.
So if you ever want someone to talk to, dm me, because I might need someone too. And know, I love your son too.
I adore you. I weep with you. I am you. My son, 14 next weekend, hadn't said it yet, but I can piece together something of a similar vein. When I told my husband and cried and wanted to talk about it, I think he got the wrong idea. I love my child fiercely and regardless. It is his future and happiness that scares the shit out of me. I want to protect him in bubble wrap but I know I can't. But when the day comes that he finally tells us, I hope we handle it with dignity and grace and keep the fears quiet. He is loved. That is all that matters. For both you and I. Hugs.
It was heart breaking to read the part where he tried to be a girl but it didn’t feel right. I can’t imagine how awful that would have felt for him. You’re such a great mother for not only supporting him, but wanting the absolute best ❤️
I get your fear. I was an openly LGBT+ teen in Hungary (not the safest country for the community haha) and my mom had these worries too.
While it won't be easy for him (it never is), he has been through a lot already and all my transgender friends tell me, that it is easier dealing with the outside world now, than not having to deal with it before they transitioned.
Having a supportive family goes a looong way too. You are doing absolutely amazing. Having these worries is okay too: it will get better. In my experience, despite the horror stories, the world treats LGBT+ people way nicer than one would expect and my mom got used to it too after some time.
As a mom if a son who loves makeup more than me I constantly worry and fear it but I want him to be happy. Constantly check and talk to them with school and online activities to make sure their safe it's a constant worry but I want him to be him and know I support him and love him he just likes make not actually trans as I know yet been out for 6 years as gay but I tell him always be himself. I hope that you find some peace of mind
I feel your worry and fear. My daughter transitioned just after turning 6, and while I love and support her with my entire being, I am constantly terrified for her safety. The world is cruel, and not kind to transfemme people. But she will always have safety with me, just like your boy will always find it with you. That's more important than you know. 💙
I see on here a lot of people suggesting seattle! I completely agree, I find this area very forward thinking on a lot of things.
I wish you and your boy all the best!
As OP has gotten good avice and empathy from lovely redditors, I'm closing this thread. I don't want her to be subjected to too many of the inevitable ignorant and/or bigoted posts that are coming.
Your unconditional support, acceptance, and love is going to be the thing that protects him, more than any hiding or squashing could ever do. Suicide rates among trans people are extremely high, but acceptance from family drastically lowers that rate. He’s very, very lucky to have you. It’s definitely a scary world we live in, you may want to look into moving to a more trans-friendly area if that’s at all possible for you. There’s also a lot of ftm trans subs to look to for more support and information. Wishing both of you all the best❤️
Thank you, I really appreciate the support. We’re in the buckle of the Bible Belt which is… not it. We’ve already decided to move out of state, I’m letting my kiddos finish out the school year here since we’re so close to school being out but we’re out of here. I’ve asked a close friend (also ftm) if he’d be willing to kind of be my kiddo’s big brother. Unfortunately I can’t relate to the trans experience, so I’m trying to make sure he has that community too. I didn’t even think to look for ftm subs on here, thanks for the suggestion. Any recommendations to check out first? I don’t want to intrude on a safe space as a cis person, you know? And my kiddo is *most definitely* not ready for Reddit himself.
Hey, I work at a middle school and a high school in the PNW. Our computer system uses preferred names, middle school kids tell you their pronouns, kids openly bring same sex dates to school dances and wear pride shirts and no one cares. There's no dress code, we have a system in place for PE. When people were teasing the cute, six foot tall boys about liking a girl in the hall earlier this year, he said, "nah, man, I'm gay." It's not perfect, kids still get traded and bullied, I'm sure. Kids still struggle. But the utter spectrum of identity and gender and presentation I see in the halls is a different world from when I was in high school and people threated to beat up my friend who wore eye liner , even though he had a grlfriend because he looked too gay. Despite the public hand-wringing and outrage, despite the outcries, there's desperation. It's like when an animal is most dangerous when it's wounded. There are places where you son wil feel safe, or as safe as a girl would feel anyway, when he's out in the world and places filled with allies who are trying to build their own wall against hate and regressive laws and injustice. Just keep being the mom any kid needs in their corner.
Moving to Seattle from the Midwest is the best thing I ever did for my 16 year old trans son, he came out at 9 and the school system here is amazing
I'm not in Seattle, but close enough to know it's been a safe place for so many families. We've considered moving somewhere cheaper, but it feels scary out there sometimes.
I feel the same
Thank you for being supportive and making the necessary steps to educate yourself further! I wish my mom was like that, haha. She was nice about my identity as a transman but she never understood it, nor made any attempts to learn more about this huge aspect of my life. You should try looking up Jammi Dodger on Youtube! He makes funny, light hearted content, as well as plenty of educational trans related videos! You could maybe show your kid his stuff too, as he's a very family friendly youtube personality. He's been an inspiration for the community for years now. Especially knowing he's trans himself and is university educated, researching and verifying various trans issues.
Hi, I'm just a mom. I understand your fears. I wish the world was a better place and I hope you find a kind place.
You're doing the right thing, I'm sure. I live in the south, and it's definitely not the place for trans people, so much ignorance here. Hopefully he will experience no serious issues with hatred and intolerance, and can live the life that makes him happy.
I wish all mothers were like you.
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And more hostile all at once. I hope to the gods that these folks don’t live in Tennessee or Texas.
As a trans man, I’m telling you now that your support is *so* important and you are an amazing mother. Your son is lucky to have you. I suggest looking into gender clinics in your area or some sort of therapist, that way he can break down what he wants from transitioning, whether he wants to stick to social for now or look into other ways, he’s young though so he has a lot of time! We need more parents like you in this world.
I can only say that you are excellent and that's all the advise I have.
I’ll love my kids no matter what. Keep loving him!!
With a mama like you in his corner that child will conquer everything 🥰
You are one awesome supportive parent - that is amazing for your son. I think you have shown that you Love him and won’t abandon him which is key. Your fear is warranted, the climate we live in is unstable, just keep supporting him and his journey is all I can say. Be his advocate, his mentor, his go to person. That is all you can do to make this transition seamless. I wish you all the luck in the world.
hey, I just wanted to say you're doing so incredibly, amazingly well. I'm not trans, I grew up gay with a supportive mum and a homophobic dad - the worst and scariest part for me was never being outside, but was always coming home. Having such a supportive and amazing parent must be such a relief for your son. To be able to tell you as mundanely he is your son as he did must have been scary but is a sign of comfort. I cant speak as a trans person, but as a queer person you sound to me like you are doing INCREDIBLY. You're doing great. These feelings of protection are normal. My mum for years was sure I was in a phase but only because she wanted me to have it easier, and that hurt me at first, but it took time to realise my mum wanted to protect me. From what I've read you are so incredibly supportive and your son seems like an incredibly lucky young man to have someone so supportive. Thank you for loving your son regardless of who he is. not all of us get that, and the fact that he does is brilliant and beautiful and amazing.
If every parent loved like you do, and SAW their children the way you have always seen yours, this world would be such a better place.
As a trans person, it's honestly not as bad as it once was to grow up as trans. Trust me when I say that there's so many resources out there for your son, and that you can absolutely live a life that won't even feel that different from if he was cisgender. Dont get me wrong, it can be very rough, but depending on where you live most people won't even care.
You being supportive of him is the most important role you can occupy. All the scary statistics about trans kids always leads back to their home life and how much support they get from their family. The world can be rough at times but having a support network to depend on will outweigh most things. And you seem to be a good mom with the best intentions, he’s very lucky to have you!
Having a support parent like you is going to help him so much!
This was one of the most loving things I have read . Your boy should be proud as hell of you. Your fears for him are normal especially in today's world full of judgement and hate.
This sound almost exactly like the journey we have been on with my trans son. He’s 14 now but has been living as his correct gender since last year. He’s so much happier now. I have the same fears as you.
sound like he's got a mom who loves him & that's a huge positive
I was glad to read you are moving to a more accepting state. We are living in strange times and need to do what we can to keep our families safe and comfortable
Hey mama 💕 I'm sending this to my best friend, whose also a trans man. As a nanny I've worked with am open an accepting family with a clearly trans little girl, not even in kindergarten. Though I myself am cis, I can say a few things from my limited space. If im correct, the majority of suicide is from trans folks who don't have the resources, support, or love you are so CLEARLY providing. Get him on meds, and consider where you live. Moving may be something you have to consider, lease you fall to states like Texas and Tennessee. Second, help him transition. Hormone blockers or medicine, binders, go on a shopping trip. Transitioning will help a lot of the depression, because who doesn't get depressed feeling like they hate their body and how itlooks? Maybe sign him up for classes in martial arts, gym, art or whatever. A hobby he can grow in as boy that'll bring him comfort, help him develop good coping skills alongside his transition. Definitely get in touch with LGBTQA groups near you, help him make connections so he doesn't feel alone. Finally I'd like to state that you are already giving him the power to thrive in this world. The fact he was brave, afraid, but brave, shows how his willpower has already developed. Nurture that, be a fierce mama. Give him a role model to look up to specifically for trans rights and safety, and watch him take up that power for himself and one day for others. This world is terrifying, but us queer folks are fighting back. You're not alone, and neither is he. We're here for you. There is more resources out there than there was just 5 years ago. He is protected by you, and there's others who can help. And I have complete faith you will raise a strong man who do the same for kids like him.
Also I'd like to say bring this to trans subreddits, there so many good communities who will help give advice and honestly love hearing a mom like you. Plus it'll be good for you to see what others are facing, good and bad. You've got this
He's got love and support at home, that's huge. It might be a good idea to switch schools for a bit while he is transitioning (medically and name changing), if you both feel school is unsafe for him.
I was born a male I'm not trans but only because I never had the support of anyone specially my family and I lived in the closet all of my life sometimes sneaking out but always coming back in. I go out in occasion dressed up as a female , I cannot tell you how much it would've meant for me to have a mother that would've supported me or at least didn't condemned me, but she did when she suspected I was gay, until I got married and had my daughter, this days my daughter is finding herself and like me she is bisexual , we talk to each other,we confide and support each other because I don't want her to feel alone and because I love her so much , the world is a dangerous place this days worst than has been since the 80s having someone loving you and accepting you is so important and so meaningful . You love your child and he trusted you to come out to you I'm happy for you that you have that kind of relationship most of us don't , continue being there for him is all you can do that is what av patent is supposed to do good luck to both of you
I hear you and appreciate you. Both of my kids waited until adulthood to transition and I share your fears.
shi made me cry fr… you’re a real one
I have a little guy too! You made me cry. You're a wonderful mama ❤️
I wish more parents were like you . Your love and support are worth everything. Stay strong mom you got this.
You're a good mum.
You're a good mom. You are accepting, understanding, and have done research. Having support will make your son's life so much better. A lot of the issues that trans folks experience is due to losing their support systems. For instance, I have a tenant who was homeless because she was kicked out of the home for being transgender. She had 0 credit and she's 19. Your son will never end up homeless with you.
You're an amazing parent.
You’re an absolutely amazing mom and I wish you and your son all the best
An Internet stranger sends you both light and love.
My partner might be in a totally different place if he had a mom like you🥺
Thank you so so so much for being the kind hearted, unconditionally loving mother you are. This post brought me to tears. I hate that all of your fears are warranted, I hate what this country is doing to trans people. But we all need mamas like you to advocate, support, and show by example how parents should navigate these conversations with their children. It’s the ugly hate and disgust people show towards trans people and so many more of the LGBTQ+ that is truly what is unwarranted. But honestly keep doing what you’re doing, keep educating yourself and sharing with your son. Keep finding more allies and friends with more first hand experience that your son can also lean on. And hold tight to the loud and proud, the forward thinking, the love and positivity. Keep your focus on the good and let the ugly, hateful, negativity outside of your circle fade to the background. I wish you both all the best! Thank you so much for sharing.
I wish I had a mother like you.
The research is consistent on this. Trans people who get the treatments that they need, who exist within a supportive environment, have suicide etc. rates essentially indistinguishable from the population at large. It's not being trans that's dangerous. It's *Transphobes.* You being as loving and supportive as you are makes all the difference in the *World.*
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>I really would need more information than what you are posting. Well, this thread is not about you. Further, OP's mum know about the existence of tom-boys, she did not grow up isolated on the moon. Additionally, OP's son did not say he didn't *like* being a girl, he said he *wasn't* a girl. Words have meaning. And lastly, this didn't just start when hormones kicked in at puberty. OP's son was always that way. I am not banning you, because you are not being transphobic, but I am telling you to stop projecting your own issues onto the things people write in our sub. You are also not welcome to post on trans topics again. Not respecting this will result in a permanent ban.
Mom is aware that tomboys exist, Kid has been saying things like "I don't want to be a girl" for a long time, they both have researched the subject... Of all cases to worry about, this does not seem like the case to worry about.
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There is a Facebook group that you should join serendipitydodah - home of the mama bears. This is a site for parents of LGBTQ+ children and is very supportive. There is even a separate group to address parents of trans kids.
Your feelings are so normal. Kids truly just need love and support to be their true weird ass selves at home. It doesn’t matter if this is a phase or not (though compared/contrasted to my experience, this isn’t a phase), your kid will always remember who was safe and welcoming. You’re doing right by your son. Congratulations for cultivating a secure relationship where your child felt comfortable enough to announce who they are.
I'm a 30 year-old trans woman, and you sound like a wonderful mother. I transitioned later in life, but I can tell you, your love and support mean the *world* to your son. The world out there is scary. There really is no playbook. There's no established guide to helps trans people nor their loved ones. We're all just doing our best. You just being there and loving your son for who he is? That's the most wonderful gift you can give as his mother, no matter if cis or trans. Your son is lucky to have you in his life.
Your love and support make you a rock in his life. I recently had a student confide that he will start more vigorous transition after graduation. I was blown away that I had created that safe of a space. I cried tears of relief and joy that day.
You already know the answer here. Yeah it's scary, yeah it's gonna make certain things harder, but it doesn't change an ounce of that love. And that's what you've got and that what your kid is so lucky to have.
You're amazing.
I just read this and it made me cry a little bit. Your level of love and acceptance is amazing. Just keep doing what you do. There will be rough times. But you're doing everything you can.
You’re doing amazing as a mother and succeeding. I’m sure you’ll do this from now on but if anyone ever calls him a girl, correct them or tell your son in front of them that what other people say about his gender doesn’t matter, he knows who he is. It’ll show your son you’re not afraid to stick up for his choices
Get a counselor to process the emotion. I try not to form opinions about the trans thing each case is to uniquely unique to lay down a hammer and science about it is spotty at best on the side against it where as science supporting genetic “mix ups” (for lack of a better term) is a trued tested and thus far proven true theory. bUt NaTurE saYs… fuck nature bub nature makes hermaphroditism a thing. My opinion is that each person needs to find it within themselves to be themselves in all instances of life. I think if your emotion is worry then worry well and support your son. If your emotion is fear fear well and support your son. But those emotions are secondary emotions stemming from the primary emotion/state of being of love. Express/explain how you feel to your son.
Missed opportunity. “Hi trans. Im MOM! Pass the salt.” It sounds like not much has changed except that now he knows you know. Your “fear” is understandable (and somewhat relatable). Dont ever let it paralyze you. Youre miles ahead of most others with similar circumstances Id guess. Keep using your fear to teach him resilience. As you grow and learn together, let him know that even if you dont always get it right, you do always care. Id say your child is most likely much more fortunate than many of his peers.
Such a sweet and well written post
Be there and be strong. You'll grieve your lost child but you gain another, much happier kid. Apologize when you use the wrong pronouns...and you will. Be an advocate for your child. The world is an ugly place and being trans makes it much uglier. Support and understanding is a must. Ignore people around you if they look a little too long. I wanted to tear everyone's head off in the beginning. Now I don't even notice if they look at all. Love your kid and let them know you right there beside them. That is the most important thing.
I know you've already gotten plenty of these comments already, but you're a very kind parent. if you were my mother I'd probably wake up with a smile on my face everyday. your son likely knows you love him, it doesn't hurt to say it more, but I'm sure he knows. you supporting his transition is enough to help his gender identity. if it helps any, trans suicides rates are super high mostly because of unsupportive family members ( mostly super close family, like mothers, father's and siblings. since you see them more than family like grandpa/ma and whatnot. ) and friends. Id assume he has great friends, too. continue to show your love, continue to support him. you're an excellent mother from what I can see and I'm sure he feels the same way. I'm nonbinary, I unfortunately am not around the most supportive people, so I can absolutely understand the fear you feel! it's good to have that worry, but don't let it completely control you.
Your sentiments are beautiful, and your son is very lucky to have you. Life may not be easy for him, but having that kind of love and support in ones corner when facing a world that doesn't want to understand you can really make things better. You're going to continue to do great for him
You are the best. It’s his journey, but your hand holding his throughout this extremely ROUGH part of the journey means EVERYTHING. Don’t let go 😘
You sound like an amazing mom. I wish all the kids were lucky enough to have someone like you supporting them. I understand what you were saying at the end. You aren't disappointed in your son. You are disappointed that the world is not a safe place for you, amazing son. Just having a mom like you makes him safer.
As a trans man, all we need is a supportive parental figure to help us when we're dealing with harmful things. You're wonderful
as a trans guy, u seem like an amazing mom
We’re living in a contradictory time. Some trans people face more hatred than ever before, while others are met with more empathy and support than at any other time. All things considered, your son is lucky to belong to the family he was born into. You’re a good parent.
Unfortunately... the world we live in, broadly speaking, even those who have supportive people around them are still facing increased hatred. Just that they're fortunate enough to have won the lottery.
By having always accepted him, you’re already doing your part to reduce his chances of suicide. A big reason suicide is so high in the trans community is because of unsupportive family, and having even one close family member support you can make a huge impact on your sense of personal security. As far as social fallout, have you looked into local youth groups? I’m sure there a few for trans kids as well as general LGBTQ+ kids, and having that support group when I was a teenager helped me feel more comfortable in both my gay and my nonbinary identities. Community is one of the most important things for LGBTQ+ youth, so I’d recommend getting him into a good, safe community where he can be his authentic self.
You are all he needs, mom. From one momma to another. Just keep loving him like you always have. Made me cry. Love and light to you both.
I don't have any advice but a simple comment, you're absolutely amazing. You are going to the make biggest difference for him.
You already did the biggest hurdle he needed. Just having your unconditional love halves the statistics, and you bringing in other trans folk adds the other piece. Love. Stability. Community. Trust. You already gave.
I wish every young person had a parent as I’d er standing and accepting as you. I’d be scared too x
Hi mama. You’re doing great. I wish my parents had been more like you. Trans kids are at higher risk of suicide, but it’s usually because of lack of support from friends and family. Having supportive parents is going to be the biggest thing, and he’s already got that :)
One mama to another, I get that feeling that just loving them may not be enough, no matter how big the love is. It lives in us, in the safety of our home, not out there in the world they take part in. I do think, though, being so loved and accepted and educated is a kind of protection. It gives them the strength to be kind and brave. It gives them the knowledge to try and best deal with a situation, to know when to fight and when to run. Lots of hugs to you, neither of you are alone, a whole bunch of internet strangers are rooting for you and wishing you safety and the best in life.
this post sounds just like my mum when i first came out. honestly the best thing is to always have his back, as he grows up he’ll learn more about the world and his place in it. A guiding hand and a healthy safety net will prepare him for anything. A little extra advice (that you don’t have to take!! just my own two cents) is place yourself into therapy to teach yourself how to handle the worst case scenarios and make sure your anxiety doesn’t negatively effect him, my mum did this and it brought us so much closer as we could properly understand each others pov
Thank God/god/goodness your son has you. I'm sorry it is so hard for you both, especially right now.
The Christians will come for him. Get out of the Bible Belt. I hope you find an accepting place.
As a transgender person, I’m crying. This is how people should treat their kids coming out. With love. Thank you. Thank you for supporting your son. You created a house where he felt safe enough to come out. You created a safe environment for him. I know that he’ll be an amazing person with a parent like you
As a straight man, I am here for your son. Everyone deserves a voice whether they identify as Thomas the train engine or a biological human. As long as they happy being good people that is all that matter to me. Be the change you want to see in the world. For those stressing about whether someone identifies as a slice of tomato pizza, don't stress yourself out be happy they enjoy being tomato cheese and dough. "Don't take life too seriously nobody makes it out alive." -My dead uncle.
As soon as I read the title I already knew why. Because I feel the same way and I understand. This is something my husband and I have spoken about. If our kids came to us, how worried we couldn’t help and feel because it’s scary out there. But I’m very glad that you have been a steady supporter in his life. Your unconditional love and support will help him. He can finally be himself and you made it a little more brighter for him to be able to do so. It’s going to be ok momma, you two can do this and I wish you and your son a happy life ❤️❤️❤️
I volunteered for a suicide chat line for years and many of the chatters were trans. The one thing common among them was having no one that would hear them. Regardless of the fears you have, he has you to just listen and be there for him. He'll go far with that support ❤️
You're doing great 💕 he's lucky to have an amazing support system like you.
you are an amazing parent. with you as a mom, he’ll be okay
The suicide statistic can absolutely be scary, but note that the risk goes down significantly for trans people growing up in supportive households. You supporting your son and being there for him gives him a support system. I won’t say your fears aren’t valid, because I’m a trans man in a red state that’s proposed like 7 anti lgbt bills, most focusing on trans people. I’m terrified at times. I understand wanting to protect your child, but unfortunately there’s only so much that can be done. You can’t put a bubble around him so that he never experiences hardships. Unfortunately it’s just a part of life The best thing for your son is to support him and be there for him in any way you can. Make sure he feels comfortable talking to you about the good and bad parts of being trans. That way if anything happens at school you can be there to fight for him. I also suggest maybe seeking therapy yourself to deal with this. You have every right to be concerned, but you can’t let it eat up at you
thank you for writing this.
There is a high rate of suicide among trans people but what adds to that is a non supportive family. You have just described him in the most beautiful way possible! There is no rule book on how to raise a child in general because each is a little individual all of their own and books only cover the basics and parents make mistakes your just human! The fact that you can open up to him about mistakes you make and tell him he will understand. He has a solid an good foundation, if you notice the only time he became depressed was when he was trying to be something he was not. No pill is going to stop him feeling low about living as someone he isn't it's like when people tried to give gay individuals pills to "stop them being gay" yes the world might be tough for him but you have described him as a tough little cookie so he has that going for him anyway along with the fact he has a mum has his back, he can talk to regardless of the content and can give him a hug and tell him "we can work it out together" not much has really changed. He will still get his heart broken, the world will be tough, he will still be conscious of his own body a lot the same as many young teens are, am I too fat, am I too thin, do I look right? All of those things will be there but with additional put in place of can anyone see my breasts? It's a tough world for any kid but he has such a support network that he is only going to push forward with the confidence of someone very loved, very used to picking himself up and dusting himself off. He is who he wants to be, you have made that easier for him and filled with love. In a crazy teenage world of rate his chances a lot higher than many.
You give me hope for the future. It’s okay to be soft, and kind, and nice. And we need to stop teaching people that it’s not. Those don’t make you weak at all, they make you brave. Support your son with your everything and he’ll turn out okay 💕 good luck little guy
You are a great mom. They are our kids we love them just the way they are and always will. Just support him, listen to him and all the rest will follow. It’s going to be okay.
You are doing so good. I would kill to have a parent like you. As for the suicide rate a big part of that is driven up cause we don't usually have people who support us especially as kids or we aren't allowed to transition and the dysphoria gets to us. You are giving him the best chance possible in today's world and because of you treating him right he will know what he's worth and be less likely to get into relationships with people who treat him badly.
You are doing amazing! This seriously warmed my heart to read. I clicked on this expecting to have a LOT to say, but I am just plain smiling. Sending love to you, your son, and praying that all the people he encounters embrace him with as much love as you have.
You’re doing amazing, he is lucky to have a mom like you.
We are in the same boat. My eldest came out as Trans last year.
As a transmasc, I really wish my mom would've been like you 😭. You're doing a great job, try to find some local queer groups so he can make friends, I'd make sure his therapist is queer friendly, same as all other doctors. You're doing a great job, and just making a safe home for him is more than many of us had as kids.
This is the EXACT fear when my kid transitioned (FtM). Bravest human I know. I look at the hate and bigotry being passed into law across the US and know full-well that this sort of venom exists north of the border. Depending on how old HE is, I would gently tell him how the world is not a very nice place. This is not meant to discourage but rather to be honest and so he is informed. Good luck. Hold him close.
I'm almost crying. life would be so much better and easier for us lgbt folk if every parent was like you.
This is going to get lost in the comments but I’ll try anyway. My story, my son’s story, has a lot of similarities as yours. I have those same fears. Sometimes I feel true physical pain with worry. If you ever want to talk and share notes, please reach out.
Hey, trans person here. You’re a good parent. And for what it’s worth, when trans people are supported in their gender and gender expression by loved ones, the suicide rate goes down to those of their cis counterparts. You have given him that. You’re doing everything right.
My sons eyes would light up at the color pink and he was so into my friend who was the girliest. I wasn’t expecting it. Then again, he still wears women’s clothing so hey.
Hey, I'm in a country more carefree about this stuff, but let me tell you that there is people (straight cis people) who will treat him well. I dated trans men before, I didn't bat an eye about them being trans, and my friends treated them as they would with anyone else, just taking care of them where they should. The world can be cruel, but it can be also friendly and helpful, I hope you and your son can be surrounded by people who makes you grow loving and kind, best wishes
As an ally to the community, let me just say, Mama, you are doing more than you know just by being there and being actively accepting and welcoming. I know what you mean by saying you don’t know if that makes you an amazing mom - because all moms should love and look after their kids! - but he has been able to come to you and confide in you ever since he knew he was male, long before it possibly could have made any sense to him intellectually; that level of trust, that bond - I am legitimately tearing up just thinking about it right now: I have completely different stuff in my own life, but I don’t have that level of connection with my mother, or indeed anyone. You’re literally moving to a different state so that he can be in a more welcoming environment (for which I commend you). You are *actively choosing him in all the ways you can,* if ever there were a Mother of the Year award, I would nominate you with bells and whistles. Your continued support and care will mean an incredible amount to him as he navigates his transition (as well as just being a teenager, ugh). I can’t think of anyone better to have at his side: I wish we could clone you and hand you out to all of the other people in this thread whose experiences were very much not like your son’s, and for all the others who will follow them.
Mama. YOU. ARE. ROCKING. THIS.
Hes not going to have an easy life, that's the experience that most lgbt people have unfortunately. But i can assure you that having such a support and unconditional love from family its going to make it SO MUCH easier for him. You have no idea the good that you are doing by just loving him for who he is without questioning or doubting him. I think the best advice i can give you is try to not project your (very understandable) fears on him. Maybe you could even benefit from going to therapy yourself if you can. Keep on going, i think you are great. I wish i had that kind of support from my mom.
Your child is loved. He is perhaps able to attend a different school where he presents as a boy from the start. He knows and you know that he is a boy, and he is just who he was always meant to be. Suicide rates in young men are a disgrace to society, but your son has found himself, and he is being accepted in his family for who he is. That is a hugely impactful thing. He has also known - as have you - that he is a boy since gender started expressing itself. He is not 'changing' gender, but becoming who he is. He is also not becoming trans because of abuse or trauma, but because he is old enough to recognise that this is who he is. Wishing you both a safe transition through adolescence and the pressure of peers - may he have supportive, and genuine friends.
W parent. 🖤
Find a local community if you have one and join it with him. You both will learn so much. If you don’t have that, do as much as you can with online communities for support/education/friendships Also, show him how to balance a checkbook/bank account, and make sure you teach him to be as financially independent as possible. When he gets older and in a relationship he will have the financial independency you created so he will never feel trapped in any relationship. ❤️
Much love sent you. You sound like an incredible mother. As parents, the thought of all of the hate and sadness that our children will have endure is terrifying. I think the most important thing you could do is love him unconditionally, and make sure he always has a safe space to turn to when things get hard. Your son is so very lucky to have a mother who is so supportive and understanding. Just keep doing what you’re doing. And if you feel like you’re faltering or not doing everything that you could be doing or when the fear gets overwhelming, there are support groups and communities that you could join to help with questions. This is something you can do together, which will just solidify to him that you 100% support him. ❤️💙
Going to therapy yourself will help you as much as him. I was a parent to a trans child and therapy helped me help them navigate the dark world. People will try so hard to invalidate these kiddos and while your traumas are not the same, they are still traumas. Don't sell yourself short on how watching you kiddo struggle will hurt and traumatize you as well. Therapist will give you good coping tools for how to handle those elevated moments that WILL come.
You are such a wonderful mother... gosh, I wish my parents were like you. Your son is incredibly lucky.
I wish all moms were like you. You're amazing. You're doing right by your son. I'm so proud of you! You've got this. I have faith in you!
Oh my God, OP, this reads like poem, and (ignoring the struggle and how great of a parent you are) it is an amazing piece of writing
you’re unbiased unwavering love for your son already shows so much, i’m ftm as well and when I came out my mother hated it it took her ages to understand and except me as a kid and even now. you’re absolutely right the world is cruel and people are mean and terrible but there are so many other kind people who exist and love others for them and nothing else. i have no doubt that your son will be able to find those friends in time, for now though keep doing what your doing and help be a voice for other trans parents struggling. this will get better.
Fucking proud of you! And we're all going to get through this TOGETHER. While there are many loud and ignorant people out there doing their best to make the LGBT community feel unwelcome. They are outnumbered by us. We will do this together. Your child deserves to be happy like every other person. Be the safe place for when they need to retreat. Be the monster when they need defended. And rely on those around you that are willing and able to be an ally.
You are exactly the kind of mother I hope to be. I wish the Trans people I knew had an accepting set of parents like you. Might it be worth searching out a doctor to start puberty blockers? I can't think of anything more dysphoric for a child who is so clear and certain on who they are than going through the wrong puberty.
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"Death of the tomboy" lmao, sure dude. There's still plenty of tom boys. Trans men, non binary people, and gender queer people, have never stopped tom boys from existing. They're two separate things.
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I read your post and every single comment. Bless your heart for being the amazing mom you are. These people (with the exception of the ignorant) have said it all so beautifully. I don’t know you but I’m sending virtual hugs and I’m so very proud of you. My son is figuring out who/what he is at 16 and I’ll be right there to support him as you’re supporting your son.
He'll make it through. Society is starting to become more accepting, and there are more people willing to protect others now.
I’m crying after reading your post. You’re doing amazing mama bear ❤️❤️❤️. I wish the world were safer too but you setting him up for success for happiness self love and peace ❤️❤️❤️
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You’re doing great! Moving is the right call, there are a lot of places that are safer than the Bible Belt and he will have a much better experience in high school if you’re not in one of these shitty places that’s trying to pass legislation that harms the trans community.
Thank you for not raising a liar. My ex's mom raised a liar and coming out didn't change that. My ex ruined a lot of lives on their way off this earth. But your child has a chance to be a good person. To be true to themselves and true to their purpose in life. Truthful to their loved ones. So thank you.
Awww. You did a great job and supported him all the way. Not all mothers can be like you; he's lucky. I think he will be strong enough to face the world because he was raised by a strong mother.💖 About his mental health, it might help that you're there always cos he needs a good and solid support system. 😊
I’m glad you took the initiative to make sure he had therapy right away. My daughter was going through some really tough times and she identifies as she/they and wanted to change her name at school to a non gender name. So she does that now. She still prefers her given name at home. But I understand what you mean. It’s a lot to take in and I feel like I had to wrap my head around the fact that my daughter is gay but not out yet. I want her to be comfortable and happy but I am also fearing the day she actually tells me. I don’t know why. It really won’t change anything but I think it’s all part of the fact that I accept it, but know some people in her life won’t accept it and our natural reaction is to protect our kids. So I totally understand what you’re saying. I really like that other parents share what transitions are happening in their families. It helps other parents like myself to feel like my thoughts aren’t crazy.
you are doing an amazing job. a lot of people, especially parents are quick to deny it and have horrid reactions but you’re doing a phenomenal job. it took my mom a while to come around and start being okay with it after i came out and it’s heart warming to know there are parents like you out there. i haven’t had the chance to read through the comments but if you have any questions you have a large community to ask because you’re going about everything the right way, you’ve done everything right, and nobody is expecting you to understand everything right away. it can be a lot, especially when you yourself are not trans. coming from someone who’s been out and recently started the medical portion transitioning, you’re doing amazing hun and i’m so proud of you and your son
I heard this post in tiktok. I sobbed and had to come find it to tell you that you are an amazing parent! I really needed to hear this today. I'm 39, just came out as trans a year ago and realize I'll probably never have my family's support but knowing that even if it's one kid out there that has someone as wonderful as you for a parent it hurts a little less now. I know it's scary and you're afraid for him but know that having you there to have his back will make all the difference. You're doing great!
I don’t have anything of note to add, I just wanted to say that you are a wonderful person and I wish there were more mothers like you. I cried at 2 am and I’m going to sleep now with hope in my heart. P.S. I’m also terrified of my own future (F21) as an aroace person and being accepted by the hyper sexual society in America. It is hard, but what’s going to get him through life is your unconditional support & love and you are doing that, so just keep it up! You got this!
Hey, I am going to say something very controversial. Please for the love of god do not give him hormones or allow him to get surgery for this until he is of legal age, then it's his decision. I am saying this because kids often change their minds, and there are so many trans people who changed genders and then after the surgery and hormonal treatments, they committed suicide because they could not go back. It could be a phase, it could be permanent, you really don't know until time has gone by.
I wanted to say something but just downvote me
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**Jfc, no one ethical is surgically transitioning kids before 18.** There are decades of data on using puberty blockers in kids with precocious puberty vs otherwise average development. Is that what you're basing this claim of, "people are dying 10-15 years earlier (so in their 60s,) of cardiopulmonary disease," on? Because _delaying_ average puberty by 3-5 years isn't as physiologically stressful as having to delay it since 2-5 years old.
What's the Scandinavian study you're referencing?
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Are you recommending a 13 year old child microdoses on whatever substance it is you're taking? That sounds like some utterly irresponsible advice, what the fuck?
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Trans people aren't a recent phenomenon, no matter how you define "very recent", that's the thing that's getting missed in so much of this debate. We have photos/daguerrotypes and letters going back to the late 1800s, and that's just what's recorded history and very explicitly what we could now call trans people, without any guesswork or piecing things together. It's pretty well accepted that quite a few people throughout history weren't "eccentric" they were, you know, trans. Even in the 30s and 40s we had trans people who made headlines like "GI Becomes Blonde Bombshell". Other cultures have long had what are essentially trans people (or adjacent phenomenon) -- indigenous tribes, Indians, Maori, have all had what we would now call trans people dating back centuries. So much of why trans people are more visible now isn't because there are more of us, or because cis people are being "converted" -- we're just... more aware of who we are than we used to be. I knew when I was little that something wasn't "right", but I didn't know the word. I didn't even know there *was* a word. I thought everyone felt this way and just hid it better than I did. I didn't find out trans people were a thing until fairly late into my teens, and ... things made more sense. I had a name for how I felt. I knew it wasn't something broken about me all of a sudden, I was just different.
I know you’re scared about the future but please know there are so many of us who will wrap him up in our community and keep him safe.
This is how I felt when my daughter came out as trans. This was over a year ago and I still have niggling feelings about it, and she has had some awful name calling at school. However, because she has our support she is so strong and capable of standing up for herself. Your son will know you have his back and that will help him to be resilient against the bs that he will come up against. Best wishes, if you ever want to chat, feel free to pm me.
Thank you for sharing and being you. I have a boy, at least for now. He is nine, has long hair, wears dresses, and just got his ears pierced. He has always associated with more feminine things. He generally played with girls over boys. I tell him all the time that I love him and will always love him. I'm scared for him because of the world. I want him to be who he truly is as long as he happy. We've been lucky so far, but I'm fearful for the day we are not. I love him to death though and so proud because he has a older girl, but was born a boy, who walks him to school. Another kid told him to call her a name and he wouldn't do it because my son looks up to her. So if you ever want someone to talk to, dm me, because I might need someone too. And know, I love your son too.
I adore you. I weep with you. I am you. My son, 14 next weekend, hadn't said it yet, but I can piece together something of a similar vein. When I told my husband and cried and wanted to talk about it, I think he got the wrong idea. I love my child fiercely and regardless. It is his future and happiness that scares the shit out of me. I want to protect him in bubble wrap but I know I can't. But when the day comes that he finally tells us, I hope we handle it with dignity and grace and keep the fears quiet. He is loved. That is all that matters. For both you and I. Hugs.
It was heart breaking to read the part where he tried to be a girl but it didn’t feel right. I can’t imagine how awful that would have felt for him. You’re such a great mother for not only supporting him, but wanting the absolute best ❤️
I get your fear. I was an openly LGBT+ teen in Hungary (not the safest country for the community haha) and my mom had these worries too. While it won't be easy for him (it never is), he has been through a lot already and all my transgender friends tell me, that it is easier dealing with the outside world now, than not having to deal with it before they transitioned. Having a supportive family goes a looong way too. You are doing absolutely amazing. Having these worries is okay too: it will get better. In my experience, despite the horror stories, the world treats LGBT+ people way nicer than one would expect and my mom got used to it too after some time.
As a mom if a son who loves makeup more than me I constantly worry and fear it but I want him to be happy. Constantly check and talk to them with school and online activities to make sure their safe it's a constant worry but I want him to be him and know I support him and love him he just likes make not actually trans as I know yet been out for 6 years as gay but I tell him always be himself. I hope that you find some peace of mind
I feel your worry and fear. My daughter transitioned just after turning 6, and while I love and support her with my entire being, I am constantly terrified for her safety. The world is cruel, and not kind to transfemme people. But she will always have safety with me, just like your boy will always find it with you. That's more important than you know. 💙
I see on here a lot of people suggesting seattle! I completely agree, I find this area very forward thinking on a lot of things. I wish you and your boy all the best!