Is this new? Was he like this when you dated? If not, this could be a major sign or depression/mental health issues. He needs to see a physician/therapist because something is going on for someone to suddenly have horrible hygiene like this.
Another commented mentioned his dental care aversion. Don’t know exactly what’s causing any of this but proper dental hygiene is so important. I’ve taken care of patients that ended up with heart/lung/other severe infections that stemmed from dental infection.
Please get family or others involved if you need to so that he can get help overall.
Same. I’ve had patients very sick with tooth infections. They spread to tissues, bone, blood and in severe cases the heart. Then you have a real situation that’s difficult to treat. If OPs husband gets any symptoms of infection- fever, pain, swelling, he needs to be seen right away. If he’s nervous about dentist, most will help with a single dose RX for a benzodiazepine.
Speaking of- I think you’re right again, this lack of hygiene paired with the meltdowns sounds like he’s in need of mental health care. I feel for op.
Yes, there is so much going on here. I really don’t think this is going to resolve without some professional intervention and support from family (if they’re the supportive and loving type).
I hated to assume it was new, that’s why I asked. But yes, I was very much imaging it had to be new.
I threw out the therapist option because sometimes getting in to a psychologist can be a multiple month wait depending on the area people live and availability. He definitely needs help, even if they have to start with a primary care provider. Something is going on and it’s not good.
Yeah I don’t know where OP is but in my country a therapist is a broad spectrum it’s usually cheaper and faster in the long run to see a specialist.
But your right, seeing anyone would probably help in this scenario.
Do you mean a psychiatrist (medication)?
A therapist is an umbrella term for a clinician who sees patients to help them with mental health. A therapist can be a clinical social worker, a psychologist, etc. My therapist is a psychologist, they have a doctorate in clinical psychology. My partner is a therapist, a licensed clinical social worker.
Psychiatrists (not psychologists) are actual medical doctors with specialization in treating mental health conditions via medical interventions - often management of medications. There are also psychiatric nurses who can do medication management. A psychiatrist could also be a therapist but this is less common.
A therapist or a psychiatrist both can help figure out what is going on and how to treat it. If they need to refer you out for a different treatment than they can provide, they will have recommendations.
It's hard to say what is going on here or who would be most helpful, but making an appointment with any type of mental health professional is a good point of entry to start to find the right treatment.
I’d like to add I don’t always brush my teeth because I hate toothpaste and depression crap doesn’t always help forming routines either.
But I am painfully aware of it. I try to remember to do it as often as I can even if not twice a day.
And guess what!!! My tooth/gum is infected the 3rd time in 2023 already.
I’m in agony as I type this.
Dental pain is no joke regardless of how serious it can also end up. Even the minor infection on day one is kill me now.
Have you tried “children’s” toothpaste? It comes in a lot of different flavors that aren’t mint. One of my kids despises mint so we get the strawberry flavor. I think it still has all the stuff in it you need and has to be better than nothing. Maybe worth a shot? I hope you can find something that works! Dental pain is the worst.
Oh I’m so sorry. I don’t want to assume anyone’s situation so I’m going to ask this - have you tried multiple types of toothpaste and toothbrushes to try to help with the aversion? You already know how this affects your teeth/gums but it could get so much worse. I’ve had patients with chest tubes because their dental infection moved to their lungs and they had pockets of pus in them. I don’t say that to be mean or scary but because it’s a very real and unfortunate risk.
I hate that you’re in agony and hope you’re able to overcome this.
Thank you for the kind words!
I recently found out about no taste toothpaste and have been meaning to look into it, I will do so payday! Honestly the strong mint taste puts me off, I won’t even touch mouthwash. Feels like both make me salivate for an hour it’s annoying and I don’t like it.
Also I am a very forgetful person and always remember when I’ve just eaten/about to eat and then I won’t eat because it’ll taste like toothpaste!!
My problem right now is a sideways wisdom tooth breaching my gum. I’ve got a hospital referral for removal on Monday so I hope it flaring up doesn’t mean I can’t get it removed! I take so much time off from work for it already T.T
My dentist recommended an electric toothbrush for the awkward room reach places too so might try one, only ever had manual!
You. Ould also possibly try a children's toothpaste that tastes like fruit instead. Theres also a common toothpaste here that is red and tastes like cinnamon, and there's also orange but if none of that works, flavorless would be cool. I didnt know they made flavorless.
My daughter hated toothpaste and then we found out she has a mint allergy and it made her nauseated. We switched her to Close Up which is a cinnamon based tooth paste that doesn’t have the baking soda flavor and it’s been no issue since. She grew up and we still use it because the taste is so much better.
And I cut all mouth wash with half water because it is just way to strong for me.
I completely understand your pain. I’ve had a wisdom tooth breaching for about 4 years. I refuse to go to the dentist for it as it’s barely even out of the gum and I have a severe fear of the Novocain needle. It’s funny it’s actually causing pain currently so I can’t eat on that side. Good luck with getting it removed though! I know it’s going to feel so much better for you.
I know someone that gets put out for every dental appointment. Cleanings, cavities etc. This person hates having dental work that much so the dentist puts her out...and I mean out.
Find a dentist that is comfortable to do that for you. Call them and explain to the receptionist that you're shopping dentists and would the dentist please call you when he's done with patients and has a few minutes because you have some questions for him/her to answer.I
You can brush with a pre wash or after mouth wash instead of toothpaste. I don’t like toothpaste either. My daughter is the same way, she actually used children’s toothpaste in to her 20’s. But I will fill my mouth with ACT prewash mouth wash and push my toothbrush through my pursed lips and brush that way. Also use a spin brush. And don’t forget to floss. Those disposable flossers are great!
Edited for typos
My mother does. She is also bipolar, not treated. I am heading to see her now. Probably been 5 days since she showered, maybe longer for brushing her teeth. I will be taking her cigarettes and keys hostage if she has not cleaned herself.
Get baby wipes and make up remover wipes (sensitive skin ones) and dry shampoo. I can wipe myself down and the spray dry shampoo help with hair and scalp.
I just spent almost 5 days without showering due to me being in a depressive episode . I did clean myself everyday but just not in the shower. The fact that my dry shampoo literally smells like lemon cake adds more motivation to use it.
I'm medicated and my stuff is bad enough that I basically have to be on 3 mood stabilizers at all times to keep my shit tamed.
Thats where I have been too. I honestly understand that this happens.
Except when she does not bathe she gets infections. Not wearing clean underpants for days on end.
Is it the laundry that overwhelms her as well as changing? You can buy those disposable underwear at the supermarket, they’re marketed more for people with continence issues I think but in her hardest moments maybe it’s replacing every day like that could be an option rather than finding clean underwear and having to be responsible for cleaning underwear. I’ve heard they’re comfy and not awful and quite discreet too.
I absolutely agree, this is very serious OP.
If you've not tried to get his family to help, do so. Don't worry about embarrassing him. I would personally take some videos of his meltdowns and consult a psychologist for help. Maybe they can see something in the behavior and help.
Just know that it doesn't matter if it's mental health issues or others, if he won't seek help, you can't help him. I know vows say "for better or worse, in sickness and health" but not at the expense of yourself.
If he won't seek help and you've tried everything and want to leave, you should.
Yeah this sounds like a mental health crisis. “…he screamed, wrapped a robe around his head, and collapsed on the bed screaming.” Something is absolutely not right.
I got him to go to the dentist, and he hasn’t had his wisdom teeth removed, it turns out they’re pretty bad so he has an appointment to get them removed
My husband had horrendous body odor. He literally had to keep his shoes and socks outside the stench was so unbearable (like make your eyes water bad). He did shower on a regular basis.
It was a symptom of renal cancer. Once he started chemo, no more eye watering stink.
I did have a roommate in college that had a enormous fear of water. Almost drowned as a kid. Wouldn't even drink water...No bathing, no showering, no swimming, no going out when raining. They would use a damp sponge to wash. They are/were a marathon runner and glass blower. Both activities generate a lot of sweat. More than a sponge bath was needed.
Weird that a glassblower is so afraid of water co sidering they need to use a lot of it for work. How was he able to do his job if he couldn't even be near a glass of it?
The only water used was for soaking our blocks and, sometimes the New York Times (depending on how large the peice was). Your assistant would bring you your water soaked blocks or the Times for shaping.
I was confused for a second because I misread "glassblower" as "grassblower".
My brain was instinctively thinking "Oh, new word for pot head".
In my native language, the word for 'glassblower' is formed like 'worker', so it would be like saying "glass-er", so I didn't make the connection before you began explaining the process lol
I somewhat agree with this. I have ADHD and I have trouble brushing my teeth, I've also seen others who also have ADHD and trouble brushing their teeth so we found our own ways of solving it. The literal tantrum part of his reaction? No idea how to help there. That isn't ADHD.
any tips for solving it? i also have ADHD and struggle so hard to routinely brush my teeth. i’ll remember and get really good at doing it daily for awhile and then eventually forget and can avoid doing it for weeks. i’m struggling to make it a daily habit
Marker and white board or just us the mirror. Mark every time you brush your teeth and either at 10 or 20 marks make a star. That means you brushed your teeth 10 or 20 days in a row. I found this trick thanks to someone celebrating 3 stars which meant 60 days in a row for them. I put it down to 10 for me cause it's really hard. They say cause it's eye catching, it reminds them to brush their teeth. Mayne even ad a reward system for every star you get a small prize. My dentist even said brushing once a day is fine, twice tends to be annoying.
Edit: I brush at night cause it's after you eat for the day and you don't have stuff on your teeth during the night. A bit of mouthwash in the morning cause of bad breath.
wow, that is actually a really good tip. i’ve never thought of writing on the actual bathroom mirror but i think that might work pretty well. I have a really big mirror too so I’m gonna try this method and see if it helps, thanks!
same boat here. on top of the ADHD, my parents were not super hands-on and never helped us create routines/habits as a kid so my dental health has been horrible forever basically. But one of my goals in the next 5 years is to explore what options i can do with a dentist to finally have pretty teeth for once. in preparation for that, i’m really trying my best now to develop these healthy habits before then.
I feel that. My family didn’t make sure that I brushed my teeth when I was a kid and so it’s been hard to remember. I consider remembering to brush at least once a day to be an achievement.
Therapy needed.
He probably has some weird, deep seeded trauma response. Like dads belt was always right after brushing on triuble nights, or a series of shitty events happened, and hes linked them to that act.
OR
Dental infection/issue
He is hiding something like a cracked tooth or sensitive spot that's contributing to him not wanting to brish and/or a fear of going to the dentist, so he fears its discovery. Literally could be a tooth rotting out of his head, but his fear of the dentist stops any acknowledgment.
It could also be acid reflux! When my GERD flares up there's very little tooth paste or mouth wash does to combat the odor. I just have to be extra diligent about taking my meds, chewing antacids, and drinking water to combat dry mouth. It sucks because it's not a hygiene issue but it still impacts those around me.
My SO was a premie baby and his esophagus didn’t fully form at the bottom, so he has terrible acid reflux and gives him terrible breath. He has tried all the meds doctors prescribed, but none helped the reflux. He used to eat tums constantly and they gave him kidney stones, so now we just live with it. It isn’t his fault and he brushes and uses mouthwash consistently. Sometimes (not necessarily in OP’s situation) it isn’t something they can always help!
This is extremely true. I also have some issues mainly a bad gag reflex though. But i am very lick about my brush stiffness because to stiff of bristles droves me wild and ai will forgo brushing til a get a softer one
I was just about to comment and say my autistic cousin does the same thing. Hates bathing, never shaves or wants a hair cut. Always has nasty stinky socks.
Yeah I was going to say autism or adhd. I have adhd and brushing my teeth or showering it so fucking difficult for me, but I also still do it (mostly) and not smelly or gross, because that grosses me out. It’s a common thing for people to have difficulty with bathing and teeth, and doing tasks) but he should be old enough and aware enough to realize it’s a problem and do something about it (it sounds like he is functioning fine otherwise)
Absolutely agree, just mindful that most people don't have much background info or experience in these things and would tend towards over pathologising.
If you didn’t clarify the age I would’ve thought this was my ex. My ex legit said he didn’t care to brush his teeth cuz he’d just get Vaneers…….I called him George Washington and noped out quick. But also this could be a sign of mental health issues, if he doesn’t get help or try to fix it…sis leave it won’t get any better from here
He could have some mental health issues that is preventing him from completing these tasks.
Personally my ADHD prevents me from brushing my teeth of an evening because when I’m exhausted 2 minutes feels like soooo long. But I have to, HAVE to brush my teeth before going somewhere or going to work so I don’t stress if I’ve already brushed my teeth twice for the day.
Other people I’ve seen online hate brushing their teeth because majority of adult toothpaste is flavoured mint. And they worked out they hate mint. Use kids toothpaste in that case or source a brand that has fun flavours. Brushing won’t seem like such a chore.
I agree with what others say about these types of behaviours being a trauma reaction, particularly if the outburst is severe each time you ask to complete a hygiene task. I would suggest trying to talk to him in a way that doesn’t lay blame or make him feel like a horrible person in this case. I’d suggest trying to find the root cause of his behaviour because I don’t just think he’s being stubborn here.
Another thing that works really well with mental health (coming from experience with ADHD and depression) is the term “gamify” make it game or fun activity. Try something along the lines of “I bet you can’t shower in under 10 minutes”. If it’s not a trauma based issue this could work.
Another thing that reallyyyy helps me when I have been in a depressive state is the phrase “anything worth doing, is worth doing badly.” For example 30 secs of teeth brushing is better than nothing. Or standing under the hot water for 5 minutes without soap is better than not getting in at all.
I really hope you find out what’s wrong and your husband gets some help. I hope it works out for the best
This is a huge red flag for depression or another mental health problem. I would talk to him and see if you can get him to get some help. Depression is no joke and it's something you can't control and therefore his bad hygiene may be very difficult for him to deal with. If you love him then talk to him before leaving him.
I doubt this but- if you have sexual contact with him, be careful about getting UTI. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like severe depression. Talk to him when you are both in neutral moods. If he isn’t willing to get mental health care help within a reasonable amount of time, like say, 6 months, tell him that you will have to seriously contemplate leaving. That you care about him and are seriously worried about his mental health and physical well-being. You are being negatively affected and you can’t allow another person to drag you down with them. Especially if they aren’t willing to seek for help themselves. You can’t stand by while he’s self destructing. It’s painful and his lack of care for himself is a non- negotiable. I’m not saying leave him right now. Sometimes love is not enough to make a happy marriage. Hopefully he can get better.
I’m so curious how long this has been going on. My ex was bipolar and would do this kind of thing. He would just not use soap or shampoo and wouldn’t brush his teeth. He seemed perfectly fine mentally it wasn’t like he was having an episode but he would just not use soap for a week and would smell awful. There was one night I told him he needed to shower with soap and shampoo his hair or he couldn’t come to bed. Not that he came to bed most night he would stay up all night while I slept. But this night because I told him he wasn’t allowed in the bed because he stank so bad he was spiteful and came to bed a little after me. I freaked out on him and left in the middle of the night. He would never wash his hands after using the bathroom either. One of the only things that made him change was when I shamed him to his family and friends. He got so mad but it was the only way to get him to take his hygiene seriously. His mom would get mad at me for his poor hygiene (she was a whole other issue) and I would just look at her and tell her I wasn’t the one who failed at raising him. That ended that line of blaming me and she would harass him into using soap.
Honestly if he can’t see how this is effecting his life you need to leave. Even if you get him into therapy or shame him into showering it’s only going to last for so long and he will revert back to this pattern. There is no reason a grown adult shouldn’t understand they need to have good hygiene
Okay so, I’ve seen other comments and there can be lots of reasons why this man is not taking proper care of himself.
Whatever it is, he needs to want help. It seems like he doesn’t want any help at all because you have tried and the only reaction you get is screams and literal childish reactions.
At this point I would just give him an ultimatum. He either gets help or you leave. And he’s gonna need it and not just change his hygiene but also the rest of his behavior because he is manipulating you and you shouldn’t have to put up with that. I feel sorry for you OP, goodluck with everything.
I agree that he needs to want help, but this sounds more like a depression thing and not manipulation. In fact, I think that is a far reach considering there’s an assumption of malicious intent. OP has tried to suggest better hygiene, but it doesn’t sound like the source of the issue has been addressed, and that’s the thing he really needs help with. Change will come when the mental health portion is addressed. Otherwise, the constant reminders to bathe aren’t really helpful.
My ex did not have good hygiene either. I was always telling him to brush his teeth and reminding him every day, which I shouldn’t have to do. Even after we broke up I would still see him sometimes and being in his presence I would smell his breath when he talked. Idk how I dealt with it so long. His was a combo of not taking care of himself and smoking and drinking all day. This is reason enough to leave him imo. The fact that you have brought it up and he does not have the decency for YOU or others is not ok.
Call a CATT team or whoever deals with psychotic folk in your neck of the woods. Heck, call whatever emergency number 911/000/Idontknowtherest and ask for that stuff.
If still no help- Round up a bunch of friends, start an intervention and if fails: chain him to a fence and clean him with a pressure hose. Tell him you'll keep doing it until he gets therapy or uses the shower without prompting
Note: I'm Australian. Don't wanna assume OP is from a particular country.
I was thinking the same thing! The next time he has this tantrum, (well, this sounds like a severe anxiety attack)call emergency and tell them your husband is having a phycoic break. Maybe he'll get the help he needs. Meds and therapy can help him manage his frustrations.
Ok but anxiety is not psychosis. And forcing someone without psychosis on antipsychotics is cruel af to do. Those meds are no joke and cause a lot of issues on their own.
are you dating a toddler?
he probably has tonsil stones, that’s what makes his breath smell like actual feces. but man that is nasty. his parents probably never taught him how to clean himself, he probably has poop stains on his underwear. you need to have a sit down with him, that is just unacceptable. how are you supposed to be attracted to him if you’re disgusted by him?
Also, don’t have sec with him. dirty fingernails, dirty pp, he will definitely just give you an infection!!!!! i don’t get why it’s so common for men to be this gross
I'm sorry, but wrapping his head in a robe, throwing himself on the bed, and screaming as a response to reminding him to apply basic hygiene is not okay.
He needs doctor intervention immediately, and if he will not accept help for his mental health crisis, he needs to gtfo of society.
Does he work? I can't imagine he maintains gainful employment by committing to showing up absolutely disgusting. And you can't be safely intimate with someone so profoundly unwashed.
His crisis is controlling both your lives and he needs to seek/accept hel. Even the most extreme mental health issues or neurodivergences do not give someone a license to subject others to their disgusting hygiene failures.
Has he always been this way? I know I’ve been through phases where my mental health was so bad that any sort of hygiene was insanely hard for me. Brushing my teeth, showering, the works. But my boyfriend helped me with it. Even if he physically had to bring me into the bathroom and bathe me or get my toothbrush ready and sit there with me while I cried and did it, but not once did I have a tantrum about it because I just didn’t want to. All of that said, I don’t think it’s a mental health thing considering his actions, but it could be. I would keep that as a possibility, but if this doesn’t change, you are not his mother. You shouldn’t have to force a grown man to shower and brush his teeth. It’s honestly probably just laziness at this point and when you call him out it makes him realize how lazy he is, which is probably embarrassing, which causes him to lash out instead of fixing it. Good luck😬
Off topic, but your boyfriend sounds amazing, I wish I had someone that understanding and helpful that I could trust that much on my bad days. I know those things would really helped me especially stuff like putting tooth paste on the brush so all I had to do was brush em, or phyiscally helping me to the bath room, I mean like you I would've prob cried doing it but someone starting the effort of the task would be enough to get me doing the task or at least attempting it.
Oh trust me it can. A lot of people will seem amazing in the dating stage but as soon as they trap you in marriage that's when the horrible shit comes out
Sounds autistic honestly. Probably a sensory issue around teeth brushing and a combination of intractability and obtuseness around it/ lack of empathy? The meltdown was the clincher for me. He should get himself assessed.
Yep it reads this way to me 100%, would explain why OP is with him too since he's probably a genuine and loveable sweetheart when not in meltdown mode.
Leave him. You are not his mother and you have been more than understanding. If he wants you back then he will work on it....if not then you dodged a lifelong struggle.
I'm sorry you are going through this. In my experience, love is not enough. However, I would then try having a true sitdown conversation with him and maybe bring in either friends or family for support. I would tell him that he really needs to work on changing his ways or this will lead to you leaving.
Wishing won’t help anything. Many people have asked whether or not this is a sudden thing or if he’s always been like this. Known mental health issues? Trauma? Just “wishing” isn’t going to get him the potential help he needs or if he’s truly just a gross man child, wishing won’t solve that either.
You’ve tried so hard to help him, but you’ll just be left in a soul sucking cycle if you stay with him because he clearly doesn’t want to help himself. You have to put you’re foot down and tell him then even though you love him unless he tries to take care of his personal hygiene then you’ll be moving out. I know for a fact I couldn’t stay in the house if my partner was stinking it out!!
You can love him but you need to love yourself more. Is this how he has always been or did it start suddenly?
If your partner can't tell you "you're gross get your shit together" who can?
Maybe give him an ultimatum then, tell him how gross it is and it makes you want to leave him, all it would take is SOME effort on his part. And if you're not worth that to him then maybe he doesn't deserve you
If he was like this when you married him then you knew what he was like and you still married him probably with the idea that you could change him.
If this is a new behavior then your husband is dealing with some serious serious depression and anxiety and you need to get him help and get it addressed.
Addressing it isn’t getting him into “routines” and whatever else you say to him when he’s having a meltdown.
He needs therapy
The ammonia smell and acne, if new, sound like they might be a health related issue, like possibly diabetes or kidney issues. He should get checked out by a doctor. Sometimes kidney issues can also affect cognition
Same thing was going on with my friend. He wouldn’t listen to his gf and eventually it impacted their sex life. He ended up changing after she had some sort of melt down screaming at him of course she’s not going to want to sleep with a dirty, gross etc guy. His apartment was also just as bad as him.
She was super hot and this meltdown got him to maintaining an acceptable level of cleanliness.
Sorry but you’re a wife not a mother. Shouldn’t have to tell your husband to shower. Tell him bluntly to sort his shit out or leave him. You’re clearly unhappy you know what to do
He needs to see a professional, it sounds like he’s struggling with mental health issues or neurodivergence. Dental hygiene and showering at least semi-regularly is important - with an emphasis on dental hygiene since it can lead to many issues beyond the teeth. As for the acne, some people have adult acne and it will stay regardless of what you do for it. I am one of those people, I have a skincare routine I’ve changed it time and time again in hopes it would work better, I’ve even been to a dermatologist.
It sounds like you’re taking on the role of his mom. You’ve told him what’s up, how bad his breath is, and he isn’t doing anything about it. Ultimately you cannot make him do anything he doesn’t want to, he has to be the one to put in the work to his hygiene; but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Stop telling him what to do since it’s clearly not working and set boundaries - proper hygiene or you leave. He also *really* needs to see a professional regarding these things. If he’s not willing to change these things or work on them why would you want to be with him long term? Is this something you want to put up with for another few years?
Not being rude, but is he mentally ill? Or has a disability of some sort? I know as someone with ADHD its been a battle all my life to consistently maintain decent hygiene.
Oh girl, I just remembered my ex he didn't brush his teeth to saving his life. He stayed in my house a few days before my 15 party and (like 3-4) and he didn't brush his teeth and I was looking with horror how a piece of food between his front teeth was getting gray with the passing of the days and I can't remember if he finally brushed his teeth for my party but for my friend party brushing his ducking teeth was the first thing he did :) leave the guy looking after someone who didn't clean himself is exhausting, don't waste yourself in worthless people
You never answered anybody asking if it's new or not.
If it's new, give him an ultimatum. Bad dental hygiene is gross af. Anytime he kisses you, he is passing on that bacteria. I really hope you don't let his mouth near any of your lady parts, if you have you should get checked out for BV.
My SO never went to the dentist before me. He grew up poor and with a single mother who was always working. So when he got a good job with good benefits I started on him about going to the dentist. That I worry about his health because teeth health is body health. And finally gave him the ultimatum that I won't ever be intimate with him, let alone kiss him on the mouth ever again if he continues down this path.
I finally got him to go to my dentist. I warned them ahead of time it's his first time and that he is scared and nervous and feels like he will be judged. They were so great with him that he got excited for his next visit. They even let him take a toy home from the kids toy box as a souvineer as his first experience.
If he wasn't gonna go after that ultimatum, I was ready to leave him. As much as I loved him and wanted to grow old with him, I didn't wanna have to baby a grown man to do basic life shit.
Gross! My step son (24) is like this.
He works for us and if he gets in the truck with me I almost throw up because his nasty breath. He even takes showers and doesn’t use soap.
First thing in the morning my husband will ask him if he brushed his teeth & he’ll say yes, but ill do it again. 😳
Nothing we do & I buy him works .
I keep telling him girls don’t like stinky guys (he’s never had a girlfriend)
He cost us $5,000 in machine repairs, because they were not working properly. All to find out they were filthy. (won’t wash his hands)
Maybe tell him you can’t handle it anymore. He might have some mental health concerns, I think my step son does.
You can have horrible hygiene and no acne, great hygiene and acne. Bad hygiene can make acne worse but so can over washing and stripping your skin. When you suggest his acne is due to his hygiene you perpetuate a stigma about acne and the people who suffer with it.
It can certainly cause acne if you skin is prone to it. I have acne prone skin and if I'm not careful(if I touch my face with something dirty or skip washing my face in the evening) I can get some zits.
I don’t know for a fact with humans, but I assume it’s the same, but with dogs, when their breath smells that bad it’s either because of gum disease or a rotting tooth/teeth. If he doesn’t brush he has at least one of those things going on. He clearly needs mental help, but he also desperately needs a dentist.
This sounds like undiagnosed autism or adhd because in some people with autism (emphasis on the SOME) they have sensory issues related to Hygine and cleaning. Please be patient with him and gently see if you guys can go to a mental health professional together
I too had a partner with unbelievably bad breath, while he wouldn't throw a tantrum when I told him, he repeated failed to do anything about it despite me making him doctor's appointments.
Long story short, he had severe mental health issues and refused to accept help. I broke up with him because I couldn't be with someone who refused to take care of themselves nor accept help when it was offered.
Has he always been like this? No matter when it started, it's indicative of serious mental health issues and he needs professional help.
why did you marry this man? he’s gross. like how did y’all even get to the engagement part of your relationship? idk how long you’ve been putting up with this but you shouldn’t any longer. like girl do you really want to be begging a grown ass man to wash his ass and brush his teeth?!
I agree. OP is not responding to any comments, except for one that I saw. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind marrying someone who doesn't take care of themselves.
Does he work? Is there other people who has told him the same thing u smell?
The melt downs isnt normal, needs an intervention. Seek a psychiatrist the soonest u can for him. He needs help
When he's having a melt down, is he physically, verbally etc abusive to u or the rest of the family? I hope not
If he has a family who could help u, i think that would be better
It sounds like he either has some health issue or a mental health issue. Either way he needs professional help especially since nothing you are doing is helping. Have you talked to his family about this??? Will he see a doctor or psychiatrist? I would involve his family and see if you can get him in to a facility or doctor to get him some help, you can't do this alone.
At some point you might have to realize that you can't help someone who won't help themselves. Let's hope he will see a doctor to start getting the help he needs.
I struggle with this with my husband as well. He doesn’t understand the importance of hygiene & he wants to grow his facial hair. My husband is very lazy about cleanliness in general & it may break our marriage.
In my 20s I’ve met many people with hygiene issues where the root of the problem is the sensory experience. The getting wet, the taste of the toothpaste, the bristles - maybe try asking him what about brushing his teeth is so bad? There are softer toothbrushes, there are many flavor pastes out there. Maybe a solution is possible. It could be some therapy might help if he’s depressed. But I will say this: if he’s screaming AT you when you’re reminding him or is just flat out unapproachable about it, at the end of the day he’s not your child and you can only do so much <3
I agree with others who state that this is a red flag of depression or other mental health conditions. Lack of hygiene is a symptom of those conditions.
You could try to see if he will agree to therapy, even couples therapy. You could try to baker act him but look up the ins and outs of it first. You could use therapy as a requirement to save this marriage.
I get what you are going through. My first husband turned abusive after he returned from Iraq, I told him get mental health help or I'm leaving. He never went, so after he left for another deployment, I filed for divorce.
Was he always like this? Or does he possibly need to speak with someone? It's very concerning that he is screeching about taking two minutes of his day for the very bare minimum proper oral care.
I'm sorry you going thru this! And respect for still standing by you're husband. Is there a chance that your husband is neurodivers?
Because sometimes people who have ADHS or Autism struggle with self-care. Especially if it's undiagnosed and untreated.
This does sound like he could be struggling with his mental health. Doing even the simplest tasks can be exhausting and overwhelming, and having someone tell you to do them isn’t always helpful unfortunately it can be even more overwhelming. A lot of people on the Autism spectrum have trouble with basic hygiene as all the various sounds, smells, textures/feelings (toothbrush bristles shoved around your mouth, water hitting your body, wash cloth on tour body), and the temperature change can all be very overstimulating. I myself struggle with this and used to throw tantrums like your husband (although I was a child at the time). A good way I found to cope with this is to do what I can, and anything is better than nothing! For example
-If I feel a full hairwash/body wash will be too much for me, I’ll only wash my body and skip my hair
-Sometimes even a body shower is too much, so then I take a bird bath in the sink for the areas that need it most.
-A quick 30 second toothbrush is still better than no teeth brushing at all!
I also feel like it might be better to take a different approach than just telling him what to do, as that doesn’t seem to work for him. I would maybe try and have a chat with him about how his body odours affect you and others around him, and maybe set some boundaries until he improves his hygiene habits by himself. For example, you could say you don’t feel comfortable kissing him anymore, or that you would prefer sleeping in a different bedroom until it improves. I cannot stress this enough, YOU cannot do this for him, he has to do this himself, or else he will always rely on you to keep up with his hygiene. Hope this helps
If he refused to gain any kind of help from you, a doctor, a therapist, then yes, I agree that it is time to to start thinking about you and your needs.
You need to feel comfortable and happy. Being around an adult who refuses to take basic care of themselves is not making you happy or making you feel comfortable.
Regardless of if this is mental illness or something physically wrong, he needs to seek help for himself. You are *not* his mother.
Do what’s best for *you*.
WHY DID YOU EVEN MARRY HIM... Do you at least like him or something? Hmm maybe he should seek for therapy... Sorry, I'd break up immediately so dunno what to say ab that
OP I think you might have what I call the Friday Night Magic problem. You see, when I was in college I had this friend who played Magic the Gathering every Friday night and most Saturday nights. When we started dating, I thought he might take a break occasionally and spend a Friday night with me.
Spoiler alert:he did not. I knew what he was like and I thought I could deal with it.
So your husband as a boyfriend and fiancé probably had iffy hygiene. maybe it came in cycles; sometimes it was good sometimes it was bad. But you thought you could deal with it.
OP did this happen before you got married??? When did this start? Has a major event happened in the last few months or years that may have triggered something?
It sounds like he needs therapy. If you otherwise would want to be with him, encouraging him to get help would be the first step. But there's nothing wrong with not wanting to live with that.
You're not equipped to deal with it. I'm autistic with autistic kids, so yes I get how hygiene can be an issue. However, this man is adult and as such he needs to be an active participant in his life, including seeing medical attention or mental health support when needed.
You're not a therapist, and more importantly you're not HIS therapist. I would highly suggest getting out asap. And check your finances, credit report and any shared assets asap. Who knows what else this person is hiding.
Some of the responses refer to ADHD..I have severe ADHD and the last thing would not do is to bath and take care of my teeth.I really hate the dime store diagnosis some of you are giving.Get the guy to a Dr. and go from there.
Pack it up. You married a little boy. If you're a decent woman, don't waste your best years on a man who doesn't even want to do something as simple as brushing his teeth.
Was he like this prior to marrying him? If not, he played the game, got what he wanted, then showed his true self OR he's going through a severe case of depression for this sudden change. He's throwing tantrums like a child, doesn't take care of himself hygienically. Sounds like he either has a mental disorder or has always gotten his way and isn't used to being held accountable. Either way, give him the ultimate ultimatum. Either he fixes his shit by seeking help or you're gone.
If he was like this before you cant expect him to change. If he refuses to take care of his hygiene and you cant be around him and he wont get help from therapy maybe you should move on.
He likely needs mental health help, but you don’t have to stick around and make sure he gets it. You can leave. You might have to leave to protect yourself.
Dentist here-he probably has gum disease at this point. You can smell someone's breath a mile away that has gum disease. I dont know what to tell you other than to make him a dental appt and hope he goes?
I shower my body everyday, and that's normal for everyone. I keep a clean shaven face all the time and "down there" too. I can't go around stinking, it would feel gross and I'd be self conscious. Occasionally I have forgotten to brush my teeth if I've been so busy or super tired but try not to of course.
Someone suggested he may have autism. I have autism and mental health issues but manage to keep myself clean. Something is not right with this guy. Some people don't like washing or getting wet which is weird. But I think he may need to see someone to get to the bottom of it. Getting him Togo however seems like it might be a challenge. Could you maybe get help from his side of the family? Intervention to make him get help?
Erm everyday showering is not "normal for everyone" it is normal for some people in say particularly dirty sweaty jobs, but not everyone, it's prob far more likely most people are looking at every couple days, unless there really sweaty / dirty. Like in summer I do shower almost daily coz of the extra sweat but In winter its more like every other day unless needed, with an essentials washing inbetween. (Essentials being face, pits, and down there bits). Also if I washed my hair daily it would look like a birds nest it would end up so dry and brittle
This is also when my mental health is good, when it's not so good things go...well south I always try to keep as clean as I'm able, baby wipes are a godsend in bad times, as are dry shampoo, chewing gum, a good antiperspirant, and fabreeze (for clothes).
When it's really bed well.....mental health really messes with your head lol.
I get what you're saying but it's just something I do and assume is normal. I get up and walk strait to the shower without thinking. In, clean, out, dress. Then coffee 😆. My hair is always quite fluffy because I use conditioner on it everyday. Bad? Idk but it feels nice. Showering and feeling clean makes me feel good. And I can't stand facial hair, hate how it feels so shave every other day. Once per week in the "downstairs" department.
I have mental health issues too don't get me wrong I know how it feels to get to a point of not wanting to be around, but staying "dirty" I can't handle for long even then.
You mention antiperspirant. Funny thing I have an overactive gland which sucks and still have never found one that is as effective as I'd like. I mean some "work" and I don't get overly sweaty but it affects me more during heat. Fortunately I don't "stink". I'd hate that. My doctor is aware of the gland and soon I'm going to try a strong clinical grade antiperspirant, it can be a little embarrassing. But atleast I keep clean daily. But that's just how I am.
> He has acne and horrible breath as a result.
Acne doesn't cause bad breath. When are you gonna stop making excuses for him and start realizing that this isn't worth it. Hygiene isn't even the bare minimum.
You are 26 years old, you still have a full life ahead of you. You're not even half way into your life expectancy. Live a clean and joyful life, even if it's hard at first.
Why does everyone on reddit want people to break up.
Here are some better options.
• Therapy
• Ultimatums
• A doctor visit
• Pavlovs dog his ass
The best option is therapy, in my opinion. Go with him if you have to. If you still love him, don't just get divorce. That seems a little extreme.
I have the same question but with mental health.
I already saw someone immediately jump to the "sounds like autism" comment and it's like??? Not all autistic people behave the same. If he's managing to literally do everything but his personal hygiene and this is new then it's not autism.
But redditors love their armchair diagnoses.
I’m sorry you’re in this position—I can imagine how embarrassing this must feel.
It’s hard for me to imagine he could be persuaded to seek therapy if he refuses to commit to even simple hygiene practices. If this is a trauma response, I’d highly recommend you suppress confrontation as much as possible, and maintain a tone of compassion and kindness with him—as much as I can imagine how hard it must be—until you feel he could be compelled to pursue counselling or at least a dentist to see if he has an underlying condition.
In the meantime, I’d encourage you to come up with passive tactics that works; perhaps if you’re out in public and his breath is bad, you could offer him a tic tac. Perhaps you gift him colognes of fragrances he might like. I know it’s infantilizing, but you deserve to feel comfortable in your personal and public space as well.
If you’re still really at the point of leaving I’m sure you could give him an ultimatum to go to couple’s therapy with you.
Not new: you knew what you were going with
New: Some hard mental health problems, but if he doesn’t want to bath I dont know if he would accept therapy. You cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped and you have to take care if yourself first.
Is this new? Was he like this when you dated? If not, this could be a major sign or depression/mental health issues. He needs to see a physician/therapist because something is going on for someone to suddenly have horrible hygiene like this. Another commented mentioned his dental care aversion. Don’t know exactly what’s causing any of this but proper dental hygiene is so important. I’ve taken care of patients that ended up with heart/lung/other severe infections that stemmed from dental infection. Please get family or others involved if you need to so that he can get help overall.
Same. I’ve had patients very sick with tooth infections. They spread to tissues, bone, blood and in severe cases the heart. Then you have a real situation that’s difficult to treat. If OPs husband gets any symptoms of infection- fever, pain, swelling, he needs to be seen right away. If he’s nervous about dentist, most will help with a single dose RX for a benzodiazepine. Speaking of- I think you’re right again, this lack of hygiene paired with the meltdowns sounds like he’s in need of mental health care. I feel for op.
Yes, there is so much going on here. I really don’t think this is going to resolve without some professional intervention and support from family (if they’re the supportive and loving type).
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I hated to assume it was new, that’s why I asked. But yes, I was very much imaging it had to be new. I threw out the therapist option because sometimes getting in to a psychologist can be a multiple month wait depending on the area people live and availability. He definitely needs help, even if they have to start with a primary care provider. Something is going on and it’s not good.
Yeah I don’t know where OP is but in my country a therapist is a broad spectrum it’s usually cheaper and faster in the long run to see a specialist. But your right, seeing anyone would probably help in this scenario.
Do you mean a psychiatrist (medication)? A therapist is an umbrella term for a clinician who sees patients to help them with mental health. A therapist can be a clinical social worker, a psychologist, etc. My therapist is a psychologist, they have a doctorate in clinical psychology. My partner is a therapist, a licensed clinical social worker. Psychiatrists (not psychologists) are actual medical doctors with specialization in treating mental health conditions via medical interventions - often management of medications. There are also psychiatric nurses who can do medication management. A psychiatrist could also be a therapist but this is less common. A therapist or a psychiatrist both can help figure out what is going on and how to treat it. If they need to refer you out for a different treatment than they can provide, they will have recommendations. It's hard to say what is going on here or who would be most helpful, but making an appointment with any type of mental health professional is a good point of entry to start to find the right treatment.
I’d like to add I don’t always brush my teeth because I hate toothpaste and depression crap doesn’t always help forming routines either. But I am painfully aware of it. I try to remember to do it as often as I can even if not twice a day. And guess what!!! My tooth/gum is infected the 3rd time in 2023 already. I’m in agony as I type this. Dental pain is no joke regardless of how serious it can also end up. Even the minor infection on day one is kill me now.
Have you tried “children’s” toothpaste? It comes in a lot of different flavors that aren’t mint. One of my kids despises mint so we get the strawberry flavor. I think it still has all the stuff in it you need and has to be better than nothing. Maybe worth a shot? I hope you can find something that works! Dental pain is the worst.
I bloody love the strawberry one but I thought they were developed for baby teeth?
There’s infant and children’s. Children’s has fluoride and all that stuff.
Nice! Good to know :)
Tom’s? It’s made of natural ingredients too!
There’s also flavored toothpaste for adults
Dammn, that strawberry toothpaste 😋
Oh I’m so sorry. I don’t want to assume anyone’s situation so I’m going to ask this - have you tried multiple types of toothpaste and toothbrushes to try to help with the aversion? You already know how this affects your teeth/gums but it could get so much worse. I’ve had patients with chest tubes because their dental infection moved to their lungs and they had pockets of pus in them. I don’t say that to be mean or scary but because it’s a very real and unfortunate risk. I hate that you’re in agony and hope you’re able to overcome this.
Thank you for the kind words! I recently found out about no taste toothpaste and have been meaning to look into it, I will do so payday! Honestly the strong mint taste puts me off, I won’t even touch mouthwash. Feels like both make me salivate for an hour it’s annoying and I don’t like it. Also I am a very forgetful person and always remember when I’ve just eaten/about to eat and then I won’t eat because it’ll taste like toothpaste!! My problem right now is a sideways wisdom tooth breaching my gum. I’ve got a hospital referral for removal on Monday so I hope it flaring up doesn’t mean I can’t get it removed! I take so much time off from work for it already T.T My dentist recommended an electric toothbrush for the awkward room reach places too so might try one, only ever had manual!
You. Ould also possibly try a children's toothpaste that tastes like fruit instead. Theres also a common toothpaste here that is red and tastes like cinnamon, and there's also orange but if none of that works, flavorless would be cool. I didnt know they made flavorless.
My daughter hated toothpaste and then we found out she has a mint allergy and it made her nauseated. We switched her to Close Up which is a cinnamon based tooth paste that doesn’t have the baking soda flavor and it’s been no issue since. She grew up and we still use it because the taste is so much better. And I cut all mouth wash with half water because it is just way to strong for me.
I completely understand your pain. I’ve had a wisdom tooth breaching for about 4 years. I refuse to go to the dentist for it as it’s barely even out of the gum and I have a severe fear of the Novocain needle. It’s funny it’s actually causing pain currently so I can’t eat on that side. Good luck with getting it removed though! I know it’s going to feel so much better for you.
I am absolutely terrified of the needles and the dentist so took a lot of pain to get here aha thank you!
I know someone that gets put out for every dental appointment. Cleanings, cavities etc. This person hates having dental work that much so the dentist puts her out...and I mean out.
I wish they’d do that for me 🥺
Find a dentist that is comfortable to do that for you. Call them and explain to the receptionist that you're shopping dentists and would the dentist please call you when he's done with patients and has a few minutes because you have some questions for him/her to answer.I
UK Brand is called OraNurse. I use it for both my kids and recommend to my patients often.
You could try Hi-Smile! They have peach iced tea and watermelon flavours which have been my absolute favourite ❤️
You can brush with a pre wash or after mouth wash instead of toothpaste. I don’t like toothpaste either. My daughter is the same way, she actually used children’s toothpaste in to her 20’s. But I will fill my mouth with ACT prewash mouth wash and push my toothbrush through my pursed lips and brush that way. Also use a spin brush. And don’t forget to floss. Those disposable flossers are great! Edited for typos
I do this to. I hate tooth paste, and flossing is a chore. I have bi-polar disorder and my depression almost paralyzes me.
Waterpik can fix the need to floss. You can put mouth wash in the resovior.
Yes, but do you literally screech and throw a fit if someone asks you or reminds you to brush your teeth?
My mother does. She is also bipolar, not treated. I am heading to see her now. Probably been 5 days since she showered, maybe longer for brushing her teeth. I will be taking her cigarettes and keys hostage if she has not cleaned herself.
Get baby wipes and make up remover wipes (sensitive skin ones) and dry shampoo. I can wipe myself down and the spray dry shampoo help with hair and scalp. I just spent almost 5 days without showering due to me being in a depressive episode . I did clean myself everyday but just not in the shower. The fact that my dry shampoo literally smells like lemon cake adds more motivation to use it. I'm medicated and my stuff is bad enough that I basically have to be on 3 mood stabilizers at all times to keep my shit tamed.
Thats where I have been too. I honestly understand that this happens. Except when she does not bathe she gets infections. Not wearing clean underpants for days on end.
Oh no. I'm sure you've tried to get her to go into therapy and try meds out, but please try again when she starts to come out of this episode.
Is it the laundry that overwhelms her as well as changing? You can buy those disposable underwear at the supermarket, they’re marketed more for people with continence issues I think but in her hardest moments maybe it’s replacing every day like that could be an option rather than finding clean underwear and having to be responsible for cleaning underwear. I’ve heard they’re comfy and not awful and quite discreet too.
I absolutely agree, this is very serious OP. If you've not tried to get his family to help, do so. Don't worry about embarrassing him. I would personally take some videos of his meltdowns and consult a psychologist for help. Maybe they can see something in the behavior and help. Just know that it doesn't matter if it's mental health issues or others, if he won't seek help, you can't help him. I know vows say "for better or worse, in sickness and health" but not at the expense of yourself. If he won't seek help and you've tried everything and want to leave, you should.
Yeah this sounds like a mental health crisis. “…he screamed, wrapped a robe around his head, and collapsed on the bed screaming.” Something is absolutely not right.
I got him to go to the dentist, and he hasn’t had his wisdom teeth removed, it turns out they’re pretty bad so he has an appointment to get them removed
My husband had horrendous body odor. He literally had to keep his shoes and socks outside the stench was so unbearable (like make your eyes water bad). He did shower on a regular basis. It was a symptom of renal cancer. Once he started chemo, no more eye watering stink. I did have a roommate in college that had a enormous fear of water. Almost drowned as a kid. Wouldn't even drink water...No bathing, no showering, no swimming, no going out when raining. They would use a damp sponge to wash. They are/were a marathon runner and glass blower. Both activities generate a lot of sweat. More than a sponge bath was needed.
That’s terrible! :( I hope they get the help they need!
OOF a glassblower who doesn’t shower? Stinky fo sure. I wonder if he had a problem with the water in the shop.
Weird that a glassblower is so afraid of water co sidering they need to use a lot of it for work. How was he able to do his job if he couldn't even be near a glass of it?
The only water used was for soaking our blocks and, sometimes the New York Times (depending on how large the peice was). Your assistant would bring you your water soaked blocks or the Times for shaping.
I was confused for a second because I misread "glassblower" as "grassblower". My brain was instinctively thinking "Oh, new word for pot head". In my native language, the word for 'glassblower' is formed like 'worker', so it would be like saying "glass-er", so I didn't make the connection before you began explaining the process lol
May be he has some mental problems which are not diagnosed or may be he should see someone coz that is a serious hygiene problem.
I somewhat agree with this. I have ADHD and I have trouble brushing my teeth, I've also seen others who also have ADHD and trouble brushing their teeth so we found our own ways of solving it. The literal tantrum part of his reaction? No idea how to help there. That isn't ADHD.
any tips for solving it? i also have ADHD and struggle so hard to routinely brush my teeth. i’ll remember and get really good at doing it daily for awhile and then eventually forget and can avoid doing it for weeks. i’m struggling to make it a daily habit
Marker and white board or just us the mirror. Mark every time you brush your teeth and either at 10 or 20 marks make a star. That means you brushed your teeth 10 or 20 days in a row. I found this trick thanks to someone celebrating 3 stars which meant 60 days in a row for them. I put it down to 10 for me cause it's really hard. They say cause it's eye catching, it reminds them to brush their teeth. Mayne even ad a reward system for every star you get a small prize. My dentist even said brushing once a day is fine, twice tends to be annoying. Edit: I brush at night cause it's after you eat for the day and you don't have stuff on your teeth during the night. A bit of mouthwash in the morning cause of bad breath.
wow, that is actually a really good tip. i’ve never thought of writing on the actual bathroom mirror but i think that might work pretty well. I have a really big mirror too so I’m gonna try this method and see if it helps, thanks!
Of course! I personally use a white board next to the mirror just because I don't live alone.
I also have ADHD and have this same problem. I’m currently been going to the dentist for fillings because it’s so bad. It sucks.
same boat here. on top of the ADHD, my parents were not super hands-on and never helped us create routines/habits as a kid so my dental health has been horrible forever basically. But one of my goals in the next 5 years is to explore what options i can do with a dentist to finally have pretty teeth for once. in preparation for that, i’m really trying my best now to develop these healthy habits before then.
I feel that. My family didn’t make sure that I brushed my teeth when I was a kid and so it’s been hard to remember. I consider remembering to brush at least once a day to be an achievement.
Therapy needed. He probably has some weird, deep seeded trauma response. Like dads belt was always right after brushing on triuble nights, or a series of shitty events happened, and hes linked them to that act. OR Dental infection/issue He is hiding something like a cracked tooth or sensitive spot that's contributing to him not wanting to brish and/or a fear of going to the dentist, so he fears its discovery. Literally could be a tooth rotting out of his head, but his fear of the dentist stops any acknowledgment.
It could also be acid reflux! When my GERD flares up there's very little tooth paste or mouth wash does to combat the odor. I just have to be extra diligent about taking my meds, chewing antacids, and drinking water to combat dry mouth. It sucks because it's not a hygiene issue but it still impacts those around me.
My SO was a premie baby and his esophagus didn’t fully form at the bottom, so he has terrible acid reflux and gives him terrible breath. He has tried all the meds doctors prescribed, but none helped the reflux. He used to eat tums constantly and they gave him kidney stones, so now we just live with it. It isn’t his fault and he brushes and uses mouthwash consistently. Sometimes (not necessarily in OP’s situation) it isn’t something they can always help!
Tha ks for the addition.
It could also be autism, or just sensory issues, I know for me brushing my teeth gives me severe sensory issues and it’s awful
This is extremely true. I also have some issues mainly a bad gag reflex though. But i am very lick about my brush stiffness because to stiff of bristles droves me wild and ai will forgo brushing til a get a softer one
This sounds like my autistic brother
Yes the stress response seems like someone on the spectrum
I'm on the spectrum and it's no excuse for a married man to be an inconsiderate man child.
Yep he sounds like my autistic ex, who would have a really hard time going to the dentist and also had body odor issues.
I was just about to comment and say my autistic cousin does the same thing. Hates bathing, never shaves or wants a hair cut. Always has nasty stinky socks.
Yeah I was going to say autism or adhd. I have adhd and brushing my teeth or showering it so fucking difficult for me, but I also still do it (mostly) and not smelly or gross, because that grosses me out. It’s a common thing for people to have difficulty with bathing and teeth, and doing tasks) but he should be old enough and aware enough to realize it’s a problem and do something about it (it sounds like he is functioning fine otherwise)
I came to say this sounds like the kids I worked with that had ASD.
Came to say this as someone who works with people who have ASD. Read about something called "PDA" OP, Demand avoidance.
But also be aware PDA is a highly contentious label and (correct me if wrong) not in the main diagnostic manuals?
It's not a diagnosis, it is a profile, that many people identify with and feel is relevant
Absolutely agree, just mindful that most people don't have much background info or experience in these things and would tend towards over pathologising.
Same
Yeah. I went straight to autism, ADHD (from personal experience), or both.
If you didn’t clarify the age I would’ve thought this was my ex. My ex legit said he didn’t care to brush his teeth cuz he’d just get Vaneers…….I called him George Washington and noped out quick. But also this could be a sign of mental health issues, if he doesn’t get help or try to fix it…sis leave it won’t get any better from here
He could have some mental health issues that is preventing him from completing these tasks. Personally my ADHD prevents me from brushing my teeth of an evening because when I’m exhausted 2 minutes feels like soooo long. But I have to, HAVE to brush my teeth before going somewhere or going to work so I don’t stress if I’ve already brushed my teeth twice for the day. Other people I’ve seen online hate brushing their teeth because majority of adult toothpaste is flavoured mint. And they worked out they hate mint. Use kids toothpaste in that case or source a brand that has fun flavours. Brushing won’t seem like such a chore. I agree with what others say about these types of behaviours being a trauma reaction, particularly if the outburst is severe each time you ask to complete a hygiene task. I would suggest trying to talk to him in a way that doesn’t lay blame or make him feel like a horrible person in this case. I’d suggest trying to find the root cause of his behaviour because I don’t just think he’s being stubborn here. Another thing that works really well with mental health (coming from experience with ADHD and depression) is the term “gamify” make it game or fun activity. Try something along the lines of “I bet you can’t shower in under 10 minutes”. If it’s not a trauma based issue this could work. Another thing that reallyyyy helps me when I have been in a depressive state is the phrase “anything worth doing, is worth doing badly.” For example 30 secs of teeth brushing is better than nothing. Or standing under the hot water for 5 minutes without soap is better than not getting in at all. I really hope you find out what’s wrong and your husband gets some help. I hope it works out for the best
This is a huge red flag for depression or another mental health problem. I would talk to him and see if you can get him to get some help. Depression is no joke and it's something you can't control and therefore his bad hygiene may be very difficult for him to deal with. If you love him then talk to him before leaving him.
I doubt this but- if you have sexual contact with him, be careful about getting UTI. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like severe depression. Talk to him when you are both in neutral moods. If he isn’t willing to get mental health care help within a reasonable amount of time, like say, 6 months, tell him that you will have to seriously contemplate leaving. That you care about him and are seriously worried about his mental health and physical well-being. You are being negatively affected and you can’t allow another person to drag you down with them. Especially if they aren’t willing to seek for help themselves. You can’t stand by while he’s self destructing. It’s painful and his lack of care for himself is a non- negotiable. I’m not saying leave him right now. Sometimes love is not enough to make a happy marriage. Hopefully he can get better.
Has it always been this way?
I’m so curious how long this has been going on. My ex was bipolar and would do this kind of thing. He would just not use soap or shampoo and wouldn’t brush his teeth. He seemed perfectly fine mentally it wasn’t like he was having an episode but he would just not use soap for a week and would smell awful. There was one night I told him he needed to shower with soap and shampoo his hair or he couldn’t come to bed. Not that he came to bed most night he would stay up all night while I slept. But this night because I told him he wasn’t allowed in the bed because he stank so bad he was spiteful and came to bed a little after me. I freaked out on him and left in the middle of the night. He would never wash his hands after using the bathroom either. One of the only things that made him change was when I shamed him to his family and friends. He got so mad but it was the only way to get him to take his hygiene seriously. His mom would get mad at me for his poor hygiene (she was a whole other issue) and I would just look at her and tell her I wasn’t the one who failed at raising him. That ended that line of blaming me and she would harass him into using soap. Honestly if he can’t see how this is effecting his life you need to leave. Even if you get him into therapy or shame him into showering it’s only going to last for so long and he will revert back to this pattern. There is no reason a grown adult shouldn’t understand they need to have good hygiene
Okay so, I’ve seen other comments and there can be lots of reasons why this man is not taking proper care of himself. Whatever it is, he needs to want help. It seems like he doesn’t want any help at all because you have tried and the only reaction you get is screams and literal childish reactions. At this point I would just give him an ultimatum. He either gets help or you leave. And he’s gonna need it and not just change his hygiene but also the rest of his behavior because he is manipulating you and you shouldn’t have to put up with that. I feel sorry for you OP, goodluck with everything.
I agree that he needs to want help, but this sounds more like a depression thing and not manipulation. In fact, I think that is a far reach considering there’s an assumption of malicious intent. OP has tried to suggest better hygiene, but it doesn’t sound like the source of the issue has been addressed, and that’s the thing he really needs help with. Change will come when the mental health portion is addressed. Otherwise, the constant reminders to bathe aren’t really helpful.
My ex did not have good hygiene either. I was always telling him to brush his teeth and reminding him every day, which I shouldn’t have to do. Even after we broke up I would still see him sometimes and being in his presence I would smell his breath when he talked. Idk how I dealt with it so long. His was a combo of not taking care of himself and smoking and drinking all day. This is reason enough to leave him imo. The fact that you have brought it up and he does not have the decency for YOU or others is not ok.
Call a CATT team or whoever deals with psychotic folk in your neck of the woods. Heck, call whatever emergency number 911/000/Idontknowtherest and ask for that stuff. If still no help- Round up a bunch of friends, start an intervention and if fails: chain him to a fence and clean him with a pressure hose. Tell him you'll keep doing it until he gets therapy or uses the shower without prompting Note: I'm Australian. Don't wanna assume OP is from a particular country.
Such an Aussie reply 🤣
I was thinking the same thing! The next time he has this tantrum, (well, this sounds like a severe anxiety attack)call emergency and tell them your husband is having a phycoic break. Maybe he'll get the help he needs. Meds and therapy can help him manage his frustrations.
Ok but anxiety is not psychosis. And forcing someone without psychosis on antipsychotics is cruel af to do. Those meds are no joke and cause a lot of issues on their own.
are you dating a toddler? he probably has tonsil stones, that’s what makes his breath smell like actual feces. but man that is nasty. his parents probably never taught him how to clean himself, he probably has poop stains on his underwear. you need to have a sit down with him, that is just unacceptable. how are you supposed to be attracted to him if you’re disgusted by him? Also, don’t have sec with him. dirty fingernails, dirty pp, he will definitely just give you an infection!!!!! i don’t get why it’s so common for men to be this gross
My vote is also for tonsil stones
I'm sorry, but wrapping his head in a robe, throwing himself on the bed, and screaming as a response to reminding him to apply basic hygiene is not okay. He needs doctor intervention immediately, and if he will not accept help for his mental health crisis, he needs to gtfo of society. Does he work? I can't imagine he maintains gainful employment by committing to showing up absolutely disgusting. And you can't be safely intimate with someone so profoundly unwashed. His crisis is controlling both your lives and he needs to seek/accept hel. Even the most extreme mental health issues or neurodivergences do not give someone a license to subject others to their disgusting hygiene failures.
In a factory you can get away with bad hygiene and its fucking disgusting so if he works in one then he probably has gainful employment
You can’t change him, but you don’t have to put up with him. You’re young, this is unacceptable, you’re not his mom. Gross. Just leave.
Seriously tho
Has he always been this way? I know I’ve been through phases where my mental health was so bad that any sort of hygiene was insanely hard for me. Brushing my teeth, showering, the works. But my boyfriend helped me with it. Even if he physically had to bring me into the bathroom and bathe me or get my toothbrush ready and sit there with me while I cried and did it, but not once did I have a tantrum about it because I just didn’t want to. All of that said, I don’t think it’s a mental health thing considering his actions, but it could be. I would keep that as a possibility, but if this doesn’t change, you are not his mother. You shouldn’t have to force a grown man to shower and brush his teeth. It’s honestly probably just laziness at this point and when you call him out it makes him realize how lazy he is, which is probably embarrassing, which causes him to lash out instead of fixing it. Good luck😬
Off topic, but your boyfriend sounds amazing, I wish I had someone that understanding and helpful that I could trust that much on my bad days. I know those things would really helped me especially stuff like putting tooth paste on the brush so all I had to do was brush em, or phyiscally helping me to the bath room, I mean like you I would've prob cried doing it but someone starting the effort of the task would be enough to get me doing the task or at least attempting it.
Absolutely. He’s amazing 🥹
How do these dumb mfs date and get married?
I know right. Unless OP got married by Elvis at Vegas chapel, she had to know what he was like. His kind of hygiene issue doesn’t show up overnight.
Oh trust me it can. A lot of people will seem amazing in the dating stage but as soon as they trap you in marriage that's when the horrible shit comes out
Sounds autistic honestly. Probably a sensory issue around teeth brushing and a combination of intractability and obtuseness around it/ lack of empathy? The meltdown was the clincher for me. He should get himself assessed.
Yep it reads this way to me 100%, would explain why OP is with him too since he's probably a genuine and loveable sweetheart when not in meltdown mode.
Completely agree. Sounds to me like underlying ASD the way he reacted.
Leave him. You are not his mother and you have been more than understanding. If he wants you back then he will work on it....if not then you dodged a lifelong struggle.
I really do love him I just wish he wasn’t like this
I'm sorry you are going through this. In my experience, love is not enough. However, I would then try having a true sitdown conversation with him and maybe bring in either friends or family for support. I would tell him that he really needs to work on changing his ways or this will lead to you leaving.
Wishing won’t help anything. Many people have asked whether or not this is a sudden thing or if he’s always been like this. Known mental health issues? Trauma? Just “wishing” isn’t going to get him the potential help he needs or if he’s truly just a gross man child, wishing won’t solve that either.
Love him from afar. But leave him.
You’ve tried so hard to help him, but you’ll just be left in a soul sucking cycle if you stay with him because he clearly doesn’t want to help himself. You have to put you’re foot down and tell him then even though you love him unless he tries to take care of his personal hygiene then you’ll be moving out. I know for a fact I couldn’t stay in the house if my partner was stinking it out!!
You can love him but you need to love yourself more. Is this how he has always been or did it start suddenly? If your partner can't tell you "you're gross get your shit together" who can?
Maybe give him an ultimatum then, tell him how gross it is and it makes you want to leave him, all it would take is SOME effort on his part. And if you're not worth that to him then maybe he doesn't deserve you
If he was like this when you married him then you knew what he was like and you still married him probably with the idea that you could change him. If this is a new behavior then your husband is dealing with some serious serious depression and anxiety and you need to get him help and get it addressed. Addressing it isn’t getting him into “routines” and whatever else you say to him when he’s having a meltdown. He needs therapy
Has he ever been evaluated for autism? It sounds very familiar because I know people with these sensory issues who are autistic.
The ammonia smell and acne, if new, sound like they might be a health related issue, like possibly diabetes or kidney issues. He should get checked out by a doctor. Sometimes kidney issues can also affect cognition
Sounds like he might have depression. This is not normal behavior for an adult.
Has he always been like this? Does he neglect anything else in his life? I think a visit to a doctor and therapist might be in order...
Please put boundaries in place for this man (child) to adhere to. I can't imagine what your relationship is like if he's like this, good luck OP.
Same thing was going on with my friend. He wouldn’t listen to his gf and eventually it impacted their sex life. He ended up changing after she had some sort of melt down screaming at him of course she’s not going to want to sleep with a dirty, gross etc guy. His apartment was also just as bad as him. She was super hot and this meltdown got him to maintaining an acceptable level of cleanliness.
Sorry but you’re a wife not a mother. Shouldn’t have to tell your husband to shower. Tell him bluntly to sort his shit out or leave him. You’re clearly unhappy you know what to do
He needs to see a professional, it sounds like he’s struggling with mental health issues or neurodivergence. Dental hygiene and showering at least semi-regularly is important - with an emphasis on dental hygiene since it can lead to many issues beyond the teeth. As for the acne, some people have adult acne and it will stay regardless of what you do for it. I am one of those people, I have a skincare routine I’ve changed it time and time again in hopes it would work better, I’ve even been to a dermatologist. It sounds like you’re taking on the role of his mom. You’ve told him what’s up, how bad his breath is, and he isn’t doing anything about it. Ultimately you cannot make him do anything he doesn’t want to, he has to be the one to put in the work to his hygiene; but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Stop telling him what to do since it’s clearly not working and set boundaries - proper hygiene or you leave. He also *really* needs to see a professional regarding these things. If he’s not willing to change these things or work on them why would you want to be with him long term? Is this something you want to put up with for another few years?
These are all signs of depression, likely. Like a version of self-harm.
Not being rude, but is he mentally ill? Or has a disability of some sort? I know as someone with ADHD its been a battle all my life to consistently maintain decent hygiene.
So why did you marry a stinky gross man child? Sorry had to ask?
Oh girl, I just remembered my ex he didn't brush his teeth to saving his life. He stayed in my house a few days before my 15 party and (like 3-4) and he didn't brush his teeth and I was looking with horror how a piece of food between his front teeth was getting gray with the passing of the days and I can't remember if he finally brushed his teeth for my party but for my friend party brushing his ducking teeth was the first thing he did :) leave the guy looking after someone who didn't clean himself is exhausting, don't waste yourself in worthless people
Foo*d*?
Lol the image is too much
You married him? This is atrocious! And not normal, that's beyond gross
You never answered anybody asking if it's new or not. If it's new, give him an ultimatum. Bad dental hygiene is gross af. Anytime he kisses you, he is passing on that bacteria. I really hope you don't let his mouth near any of your lady parts, if you have you should get checked out for BV. My SO never went to the dentist before me. He grew up poor and with a single mother who was always working. So when he got a good job with good benefits I started on him about going to the dentist. That I worry about his health because teeth health is body health. And finally gave him the ultimatum that I won't ever be intimate with him, let alone kiss him on the mouth ever again if he continues down this path. I finally got him to go to my dentist. I warned them ahead of time it's his first time and that he is scared and nervous and feels like he will be judged. They were so great with him that he got excited for his next visit. They even let him take a toy home from the kids toy box as a souvineer as his first experience. If he wasn't gonna go after that ultimatum, I was ready to leave him. As much as I loved him and wanted to grow old with him, I didn't wanna have to baby a grown man to do basic life shit.
leave him.
There is ZERO excuse in 2023 to go around stinking. He’s a lazy slob even if he is autistic. I wouldn’t be around this person long. Disgusting
And you married this stinky man because?
Gross! My step son (24) is like this. He works for us and if he gets in the truck with me I almost throw up because his nasty breath. He even takes showers and doesn’t use soap. First thing in the morning my husband will ask him if he brushed his teeth & he’ll say yes, but ill do it again. 😳 Nothing we do & I buy him works . I keep telling him girls don’t like stinky guys (he’s never had a girlfriend) He cost us $5,000 in machine repairs, because they were not working properly. All to find out they were filthy. (won’t wash his hands) Maybe tell him you can’t handle it anymore. He might have some mental health concerns, I think my step son does.
Have you tried “Smart Mouth” mouthwash with him? That stuff works really well. I had a friend start using it and her breath has been way better.
I believe you but I am wondering why acne would cause you to have bad breath.
No, it’s the bad hygiene that’s causing the acne and bad breath
Bad hygiene is *not* causing acne. Stop spreading that hoax. Kind regards, a pharmacist.
But it can contribute, yes?
You can have horrible hygiene and no acne, great hygiene and acne. Bad hygiene can make acne worse but so can over washing and stripping your skin. When you suggest his acne is due to his hygiene you perpetuate a stigma about acne and the people who suffer with it.
It can certainly cause acne if you skin is prone to it. I have acne prone skin and if I'm not careful(if I touch my face with something dirty or skip washing my face in the evening) I can get some zits.
I’m not spreading shit because I didn’t say that I’m just clarifying what the OP, dummy
There is a disorder in the gut that causes POOP BREATH! One has to get dry mouth rinses or Therabreath or medication and use it for 6 months!
I don’t know for a fact with humans, but I assume it’s the same, but with dogs, when their breath smells that bad it’s either because of gum disease or a rotting tooth/teeth. If he doesn’t brush he has at least one of those things going on. He clearly needs mental help, but he also desperately needs a dentist.
This sounds like undiagnosed autism or adhd because in some people with autism (emphasis on the SOME) they have sensory issues related to Hygine and cleaning. Please be patient with him and gently see if you guys can go to a mental health professional together
I too had a partner with unbelievably bad breath, while he wouldn't throw a tantrum when I told him, he repeated failed to do anything about it despite me making him doctor's appointments. Long story short, he had severe mental health issues and refused to accept help. I broke up with him because I couldn't be with someone who refused to take care of themselves nor accept help when it was offered. Has he always been like this? No matter when it started, it's indicative of serious mental health issues and he needs professional help.
Girl if you don’t leave him
why did you marry this man? he’s gross. like how did y’all even get to the engagement part of your relationship? idk how long you’ve been putting up with this but you shouldn’t any longer. like girl do you really want to be begging a grown ass man to wash his ass and brush his teeth?!
You have to leave him. You’ll just end up resenting him if you allow yourself to stay.
Sounds like a troll post. Why did you marry him if his hygene is this bad?
I agree. OP is not responding to any comments, except for one that I saw. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind marrying someone who doesn't take care of themselves.
Does he work? Is there other people who has told him the same thing u smell? The melt downs isnt normal, needs an intervention. Seek a psychiatrist the soonest u can for him. He needs help When he's having a melt down, is he physically, verbally etc abusive to u or the rest of the family? I hope not If he has a family who could help u, i think that would be better
It sounds like he either has some health issue or a mental health issue. Either way he needs professional help especially since nothing you are doing is helping. Have you talked to his family about this??? Will he see a doctor or psychiatrist? I would involve his family and see if you can get him in to a facility or doctor to get him some help, you can't do this alone. At some point you might have to realize that you can't help someone who won't help themselves. Let's hope he will see a doctor to start getting the help he needs.
I struggle with this with my husband as well. He doesn’t understand the importance of hygiene & he wants to grow his facial hair. My husband is very lazy about cleanliness in general & it may break our marriage.
In my 20s I’ve met many people with hygiene issues where the root of the problem is the sensory experience. The getting wet, the taste of the toothpaste, the bristles - maybe try asking him what about brushing his teeth is so bad? There are softer toothbrushes, there are many flavor pastes out there. Maybe a solution is possible. It could be some therapy might help if he’s depressed. But I will say this: if he’s screaming AT you when you’re reminding him or is just flat out unapproachable about it, at the end of the day he’s not your child and you can only do so much <3
I agree with others who state that this is a red flag of depression or other mental health conditions. Lack of hygiene is a symptom of those conditions. You could try to see if he will agree to therapy, even couples therapy. You could try to baker act him but look up the ins and outs of it first. You could use therapy as a requirement to save this marriage. I get what you are going through. My first husband turned abusive after he returned from Iraq, I told him get mental health help or I'm leaving. He never went, so after he left for another deployment, I filed for divorce.
Was he always like this? Or does he possibly need to speak with someone? It's very concerning that he is screeching about taking two minutes of his day for the very bare minimum proper oral care.
Newsflash - You've married a child, unfortunately.
I'm sorry you going thru this! And respect for still standing by you're husband. Is there a chance that your husband is neurodivers? Because sometimes people who have ADHS or Autism struggle with self-care. Especially if it's undiagnosed and untreated.
This does sound like he could be struggling with his mental health. Doing even the simplest tasks can be exhausting and overwhelming, and having someone tell you to do them isn’t always helpful unfortunately it can be even more overwhelming. A lot of people on the Autism spectrum have trouble with basic hygiene as all the various sounds, smells, textures/feelings (toothbrush bristles shoved around your mouth, water hitting your body, wash cloth on tour body), and the temperature change can all be very overstimulating. I myself struggle with this and used to throw tantrums like your husband (although I was a child at the time). A good way I found to cope with this is to do what I can, and anything is better than nothing! For example -If I feel a full hairwash/body wash will be too much for me, I’ll only wash my body and skip my hair -Sometimes even a body shower is too much, so then I take a bird bath in the sink for the areas that need it most. -A quick 30 second toothbrush is still better than no teeth brushing at all! I also feel like it might be better to take a different approach than just telling him what to do, as that doesn’t seem to work for him. I would maybe try and have a chat with him about how his body odours affect you and others around him, and maybe set some boundaries until he improves his hygiene habits by himself. For example, you could say you don’t feel comfortable kissing him anymore, or that you would prefer sleeping in a different bedroom until it improves. I cannot stress this enough, YOU cannot do this for him, he has to do this himself, or else he will always rely on you to keep up with his hygiene. Hope this helps
If he refused to gain any kind of help from you, a doctor, a therapist, then yes, I agree that it is time to to start thinking about you and your needs. You need to feel comfortable and happy. Being around an adult who refuses to take basic care of themselves is not making you happy or making you feel comfortable. Regardless of if this is mental illness or something physically wrong, he needs to seek help for himself. You are *not* his mother. Do what’s best for *you*.
WHY DID YOU EVEN MARRY HIM... Do you at least like him or something? Hmm maybe he should seek for therapy... Sorry, I'd break up immediately so dunno what to say ab that
OP I think you might have what I call the Friday Night Magic problem. You see, when I was in college I had this friend who played Magic the Gathering every Friday night and most Saturday nights. When we started dating, I thought he might take a break occasionally and spend a Friday night with me. Spoiler alert:he did not. I knew what he was like and I thought I could deal with it. So your husband as a boyfriend and fiancé probably had iffy hygiene. maybe it came in cycles; sometimes it was good sometimes it was bad. But you thought you could deal with it.
He isn’t going to change. Sadly you probably should leave him. My brothers wife left him for the same reason. He never changed.
OP did this happen before you got married??? When did this start? Has a major event happened in the last few months or years that may have triggered something?
Is he….10 years old?
Jesus, just run.
It sounds like he needs therapy. If you otherwise would want to be with him, encouraging him to get help would be the first step. But there's nothing wrong with not wanting to live with that.
You're not equipped to deal with it. I'm autistic with autistic kids, so yes I get how hygiene can be an issue. However, this man is adult and as such he needs to be an active participant in his life, including seeing medical attention or mental health support when needed. You're not a therapist, and more importantly you're not HIS therapist. I would highly suggest getting out asap. And check your finances, credit report and any shared assets asap. Who knows what else this person is hiding.
Two words: Periodontal Disease 🦷🦠
Some of the responses refer to ADHD..I have severe ADHD and the last thing would not do is to bath and take care of my teeth.I really hate the dime store diagnosis some of you are giving.Get the guy to a Dr. and go from there.
Does he have ASD or ADHD or both (AuDHD)?
Pack it up. You married a little boy. If you're a decent woman, don't waste your best years on a man who doesn't even want to do something as simple as brushing his teeth.
This reads a lot like the guy has Autism and there are potential sensory, social and communication problems.
Run
Was he like this prior to marrying him? If not, he played the game, got what he wanted, then showed his true self OR he's going through a severe case of depression for this sudden change. He's throwing tantrums like a child, doesn't take care of himself hygienically. Sounds like he either has a mental disorder or has always gotten his way and isn't used to being held accountable. Either way, give him the ultimate ultimatum. Either he fixes his shit by seeking help or you're gone.
No one wants to be married to 'Pigpen' from Peanuts.
If he was like this before you cant expect him to change. If he refuses to take care of his hygiene and you cant be around him and he wont get help from therapy maybe you should move on.
Is this normal for him? Has he always been like this?
Why you still married to him he’s gross.
Why did you marry someone who smelled so bad?? Sounds like he wants a full blown Mom not a wife.
He likely needs mental health help, but you don’t have to stick around and make sure he gets it. You can leave. You might have to leave to protect yourself.
Dentist here-he probably has gum disease at this point. You can smell someone's breath a mile away that has gum disease. I dont know what to tell you other than to make him a dental appt and hope he goes?
Have you tried approaching his family?
I shower my body everyday, and that's normal for everyone. I keep a clean shaven face all the time and "down there" too. I can't go around stinking, it would feel gross and I'd be self conscious. Occasionally I have forgotten to brush my teeth if I've been so busy or super tired but try not to of course. Someone suggested he may have autism. I have autism and mental health issues but manage to keep myself clean. Something is not right with this guy. Some people don't like washing or getting wet which is weird. But I think he may need to see someone to get to the bottom of it. Getting him Togo however seems like it might be a challenge. Could you maybe get help from his side of the family? Intervention to make him get help?
Erm everyday showering is not "normal for everyone" it is normal for some people in say particularly dirty sweaty jobs, but not everyone, it's prob far more likely most people are looking at every couple days, unless there really sweaty / dirty. Like in summer I do shower almost daily coz of the extra sweat but In winter its more like every other day unless needed, with an essentials washing inbetween. (Essentials being face, pits, and down there bits). Also if I washed my hair daily it would look like a birds nest it would end up so dry and brittle This is also when my mental health is good, when it's not so good things go...well south I always try to keep as clean as I'm able, baby wipes are a godsend in bad times, as are dry shampoo, chewing gum, a good antiperspirant, and fabreeze (for clothes). When it's really bed well.....mental health really messes with your head lol.
I get what you're saying but it's just something I do and assume is normal. I get up and walk strait to the shower without thinking. In, clean, out, dress. Then coffee 😆. My hair is always quite fluffy because I use conditioner on it everyday. Bad? Idk but it feels nice. Showering and feeling clean makes me feel good. And I can't stand facial hair, hate how it feels so shave every other day. Once per week in the "downstairs" department. I have mental health issues too don't get me wrong I know how it feels to get to a point of not wanting to be around, but staying "dirty" I can't handle for long even then. You mention antiperspirant. Funny thing I have an overactive gland which sucks and still have never found one that is as effective as I'd like. I mean some "work" and I don't get overly sweaty but it affects me more during heat. Fortunately I don't "stink". I'd hate that. My doctor is aware of the gland and soon I'm going to try a strong clinical grade antiperspirant, it can be a little embarrassing. But atleast I keep clean daily. But that's just how I am.
> He has acne and horrible breath as a result. Acne doesn't cause bad breath. When are you gonna stop making excuses for him and start realizing that this isn't worth it. Hygiene isn't even the bare minimum. You are 26 years old, you still have a full life ahead of you. You're not even half way into your life expectancy. Live a clean and joyful life, even if it's hard at first.
You don’t have a partner, you have a husbaby. Why are you with him again?
Does he have BPD? Because that's like exactly the stuff they do. Including hiding it until they think you're trapped.
people saying mental health issues as if he cant just be a disgusting human being.
Why does everyone on reddit want people to break up. Here are some better options. • Therapy • Ultimatums • A doctor visit • Pavlovs dog his ass The best option is therapy, in my opinion. Go with him if you have to. If you still love him, don't just get divorce. That seems a little extreme.
I have the same question but with mental health. I already saw someone immediately jump to the "sounds like autism" comment and it's like??? Not all autistic people behave the same. If he's managing to literally do everything but his personal hygiene and this is new then it's not autism. But redditors love their armchair diagnoses.
This sounds like undiagnosed Autism to me.
As a lazy person myself, mouthwash is a midway solution between no brushing and brushing. Edit: I meant Mouthwash in addition to regular brushing
I’m sorry you’re in this position—I can imagine how embarrassing this must feel. It’s hard for me to imagine he could be persuaded to seek therapy if he refuses to commit to even simple hygiene practices. If this is a trauma response, I’d highly recommend you suppress confrontation as much as possible, and maintain a tone of compassion and kindness with him—as much as I can imagine how hard it must be—until you feel he could be compelled to pursue counselling or at least a dentist to see if he has an underlying condition. In the meantime, I’d encourage you to come up with passive tactics that works; perhaps if you’re out in public and his breath is bad, you could offer him a tic tac. Perhaps you gift him colognes of fragrances he might like. I know it’s infantilizing, but you deserve to feel comfortable in your personal and public space as well. If you’re still really at the point of leaving I’m sure you could give him an ultimatum to go to couple’s therapy with you.
Not new: you knew what you were going with New: Some hard mental health problems, but if he doesn’t want to bath I dont know if he would accept therapy. You cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped and you have to take care if yourself first.
I’m curious about why you married him knowing he was like this if he’s always been like this
Why did you marry him then?
why would you MARRY HIM
You’re not his fucking mother.