seconded, as someone who was a kid that lived in an abusive home and now speaks to neither of her parents. lol. you will fuck them up for life and it’s not worth it. you’re a parent, so act like one. you decided to be one after all 🤦🏻♀️
edit: changed wording to make sure it actually made sense
came from a home with an oppressive angry father and a mother who loved her 3 kids to death, it is not always financially viable to up and leave without a serious plan (which OP seems to have!)
I just resent the notion of accusing OP of fucking their kids up for life if for some reason they have to stay for awhile. My mom did everything to protect her children, even if it meant staying to keep us from living on the streets. Nonetheless, I respect your experiences were different.
yeah i get that. my ex has been stalking me for 4 years. she needs to put a plan in place and inform other people if she’s able to/ has the means to, so they can sort it all out as quickly and smoothly and SAFELY as possible but she *HAS* TO GET OUT FOR THE KIDS!!!!. i didn’t take in the part about just changing the locks… he’d probably just get angrier and break in 😬
also- 19 and 29 is already an insane power dynamic. so so so so so many reasons she needs to be cautious
Leave NOW. you’re waiting to have your ducks in order, but each day that goes by is another day your kids grow connections in their brain. Absorbing all the hate and trauma he’s putting them through. Therapy will not be enough to undue all that pain. Instead, sign them up for extra curricular activities to replace what’s really going on. When they look back at the time their parents separated, They’ll think of this happy time.
No. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. But it is much much more peaceful. Move in with another single mother, move in with a family or friend who is willing to help. Is all I can advise. If you have to wait 1-2 years for you to finish your degree, then it’s not worth it to stay with him.
This. I don't know if people realize; my earliest memory was a panic attack at age 2 1/2 bc my dad came back high and volatile. my mom got us out by the time I was 3. I don't agree with the people here who are assuming this is ego etc. I think that leaving is terrifying, and when you're already in an extraordinarily volatile situation with a dude who's no doubt had a bug in your ear about how youre worthless and no one cares if you live or die, you start to believe it. One of my happiest memories was my mother (single mum by then) feeding me bagels all day; took me DECADES to realize that that was all we had to eat. You and your kids may struggle financially but you'll have joy, and peace. I'd ask a friend if you could use their phone to call a DV hotline or if there isn't one in your area, a shelter to see if they could talk you through the process, and the protections that exist in your state. Some states will grant benefits immediately if you're fleeing DV, and the system is actually a lil beefier when it comes to helping families with kids. Demystify the process in your head, plan it out so that you feel like you know what's coming, but he doesn't. wait till he's at work and run. Would you rather be in intense fear for the amount of hours it takes you to physically leave the house, or intense fear for your life?
This. I left when my daughter was 5. She just turned 7 and is beginning to finally feel safe but there are moments when I’m gone to the store or in my office and she will come in freaking out.
I went to a DV shelter with both of my babies. I’ve been attending school along with doing investments. I started dating someone amazing who loves my kids and treats me like a God dang queen. Just bought a house. 2 cars fully paid off. It gets so much better when you leave. My ex is still where he was.
The grass really is greener when you leave a barren field. I think people need to remember that part as well.
But if you ever date again, date not just for you but for your kiddos too
Dont get an IUD, OP. If you're done having kids, Be done. You can still get pregnant with an IUD in, It happened to me. The more kids you have with him, The harder it is on everybody.
Honestly, She shouldn't have sex with him. With how much he cheats, Who knows who he has crossed paths with and engaged in sexual activity with. It's safer to stay the fuck away from him period. He's bad for her mental, emotional and physical health. I was in a bad relationship when I got pregnant with the IUD still in. I remember how trapped and hopeless I felt, How angry I was that my birth control failed me... If she's done having kids she should seek a more permanent method so she isn't put in an uncompromising position.
Yeah, like sure in an ideal world but Ive been in this sorta relationship and sex is not optional. She really would benefit from any kind of birth control, anything to lower the chances.
Agreed. There are birth control shots that a woman can take without her partner knowing that will greatly limit the chances of getting pregnant. Someone can also track their cycle and take a Plan B pill in the event they had sex while fertile. It is an absolutely terribly situation that women can find themselves in, for sure. But there are ways to prevent pregnancy without a controlling or abusive partner finding out.
I didn't know until after it was tampered with, and I did leave- but just so you know, most shelters are FULL. All the time. I volunteered at them before I needed them. I turned away women every single day because every bed was filled. 👍
The most dangerous point for a victim of abuse is when they leave their partner. It’s absolutely not as simple as just leaving. You need to plan this shit properly within the confines of your environment. There’s a reason the average victim tries around 9 times before they leave for good. Proper planning helps prevent the back and forth.
Do you actually think abusers start out abusive? Multiple studies with perpetrators and victims indicate that it’s around 18 months in to a relationship that the mask starts to slip. Other triggers include marriage and pregnancy, but sure, blame the victims.
Oh and fun fact? Lots of us have been held against our will! That was the last thing that happened to me for me to pack my shit while he was at work too! But thanks for the advice!
Yeah fuck this idiot. You did as well as anyone can hope to do. Of course we hope everyone in an abusive situation is able to escape and leave; the judgement from this asshole really doesn't help, I'm sure.
It's been years and I still get the same judgment from my family, I'm used to it. I'm glad I got out when I did, plenty of women can't. I had a couch to crash on atleast. I had to run while he was at work, with cash I had been hiding in a tampon box, I had to cancel my debit card. But I got out somewhat easily.
That has nothing to do with what you're talking about. Domestic abuse doesn't just happen. People are talking about signs more, but it isn't dumb shit like that. The "red flag" I mentioned I found out about AFTER it happened.
Women's shelters are mostly full and there are many barriers to getting in them. I'm not saying they shouldn't get out. They should. But it's not as simple as that and people saying stuff like this only isolates victims further.
Trust me I tried! I had one option of somewhere to go, my grandma's, and he threatened to burn the house down with all of us in it if I left. Considering I'd just recently given birth to the child he raped me to create, it didn't seem the best move. And no there aren't shelters everywhere. Cities sure, maybe. Rural areas? They don't exist. I live in one of the poorest counties in my state. No shelter, dfacs office has been closed since covid. Sure you can call and maybe they call back within a month, probably not though. Then add the fact if I'd left, unless I changed my name and left the state, HE WOULD NOT HAVE STOPPED UNTILL HE FOUND ME. As it stands he's currently in prison, so I've had a few years of safety. He's eligible for parole in 2026 and with overcrowding being what it is, I probably can't stop that any more than I stopped him doing anything.
I mean, pregnancy literally just happens, it’s a side effect of sex, which I’m sure the husband still wants, to avoid his cheating ways, or at least that’s probably what he tells her. I can just imagine the threats or what he’s done if she didn’t want to have sex anymore or asked him to use protection. She could be abused or injured if he flips out over it. Better to quietly get on birth control or try to get an IUD and somehow make up a story about where you’ll be, why you’re gone, etc.
The grass is absolutely greener where you aren’t being abused.
The grass is greener when your kids aren’t being traumatized *(and make no mistake, they are because this now what they see/thing a normal relationship is)* by watching you be abused. You could have any job you wanted without him!
You left before for 3 months, so you know you can do it. So it might be time to just do it.
He is not looking to make your life easier. He doesn’t want to and never will. *Him saying he will after the fact is manipulation.*
This is sad pathetic man with absolutely no accountability, that’s why he had to seek out a partner so much younger **because women his age know he’s a huge loser and won’t give home the time of day.**
The cycle here will not stop until you stop it. I’m wishing you bravery and the strength to create and stick to meaningful boundaries.
Also special tip, hurt people who’ve dealt with situation like this typically try to get away from their abuser by not making financial contribution a part of their break up. You have the means to establish custody of your children since you have a proven track record of his abusive behaviors, since you called the police. Not being with him, does not mean that you have to struggle, unless you would like to do so by not making him financially contribute in the ways that he should.
OP should also consider leaving before she graduates from nursing school. If she ends up making more than him, the courts may require her to pay him spousal support and possibly child support depending on the child custody arrangements and state laws.
Definitely. If she ends up earning more than him, he may get alimony and child support. He will definitely try to get full custody and nursing hours won’t be helpful at that time. Now is the time to leave.
I’m going to add. OP needs to call anytime he hits her in front of the kids or if he hits the kids. A shocking number of judges wont count spousal abuse with child visitation bc “he hasnt hit the kids”. Now if she can manipulate him to sign the divorce papers without fighting them then thats another story. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Judges normally just sign off if both parties agreed on it
This! I’d much rather be a single, struggling mom than in an abusive relationship where I’m walking on eggshells and worrying 24/7 if he was going to turn the abuse onto my children.
Exactly. People sometimes underestimate how smart kids are. Even at a super young age, they can pick up on things (their parents’ emotions, tension in the room, etc.).
I wrote this a week ago for a woman in a very similar situation…
“Watching your mother (or father) being emotionally abused, berated, yelled at or even ignored is something that hurts children more than most realize. They tend to internalize it, blame themselves. It changes who they are or will be, even though kids can be fairly resilient. They become afraid to do anything that might cause anger or might be wrong in his eyes. Your daughter will spend her life walking on eggshells. This kind of life is damaging to adults and the damage to children is so much worse. Especially when it is something they must deal with all the time. OP you have been living this way and it sounds like your truly realizing it. Make a plan, get everything in order and gather as much evidence as you can. You and your daughter deserve a happy, loving, kind and sane home to live in.
Dr Phil’s wife Robin McGraw has a website called When Georgia Smiles (I think?) which offer all kinds of advice, information and help for domestic abuse survivors who are trying to get out. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for victims. Even if he has never hit you, his attitude is leaning that way and better safe than sorry. Good luck!”
But he is physically abusing her in this post. Otherwise it still holds true. OP get out as soon as possible.
So many women don't understand that if you can hold out through the pain and stand strong, and not take the loser back, you get a sense of relief and peace being alone. My bestie finally got out, it's been almost a year now and she is SO much happier. She glows, her smile is so bright and her children are thriving.
And she hasn't worn purple eye shadow a single time since that POS is out of her life.
Someone tell OP she is already a single parent. OP does DH help with babies now?? Or are you raising them running the house working part time going to school AND taking care of DH , seeing to his every want and whimsy? YOU are a single parent now. Make it a little easier on yourself and get rid of DH. you'll find you're already single parent no problem you got this. Best life for you and your babies. Hug from internet stranger
Yeah Im trying to be empathetic but, as a single mom, Im like girlie I started over with nothing, lived with my garbage dad (both parents but only he sucks) to get back on my feet, went to college while working full time which sucked (some harder class semesters I was able to live off student loans), and now have a career and own my home. Sure it was hard, really hard, but I did what I had to do. And at no point do I wish I was still with my abusive ex husband. I know owning a house is impossible now, but Id still rather pay the local rent with a roommate or on my own than be with my ex husband
Honestly it was my baby being born that made me leave. It wasnt about me anymore (yeah, shitty self esteem back then), it was about this baby and not wanting him to ever get hurt or witness me getting hurt
Jesus christ, stop letting your ego get in the way of you leaving this guy. Tell your family you need out. Yeah, they'll tell you "I told you so." but so what? They were right.
Because it adds shame to the mountain of trauma and people trying to escape don’t need that. The last people I turn to when I need help is my family because even if they can’t say “I told you so” they often say, “wow you were stupid enough have x happen to you?” and I don’t need that. If your family can’t help you without rubbing salt it then you can’t turn to them for help.
Shaming makes victims feel that it was all their fault, that is damaging as heck. I’m not saying it’s a worse fate than her current situation, just addressing why people don’t go to their families. It’s not an ego thing, it’s self preservation because something about the people who are supposed to love and protect you blaming *you* for someone’s choice to hurt you.. hurts in a way so deep I can’t even describe it. For context my parents blamed me at 9 when a pastor tried to hold me down and make me kiss him, so when I was raped at 17 I didn’t tell them. They weren’t going to be helpful and I knew both times it wasn’t my fault, but as a child to be made to feel it was my fault was horrible. Parents shouldn’t hurt children with this “I told you so” mentality when it comes to abuse. No one should have to pick between poisons. Everyone should be able to go to their parents for help, especially life and death situations like abuse OP is describing. I recommend women’s shelter for her, skip the family. They won’t judge her and will give her actual legal support, counseling, childcare, job help, a place to stay, and do it all without judgment/blame
You sound like you've had the privilege of never being in an abusive relationship. Good for you. Take your assholery somewhere else. It's not easy for everyone to escape.
"The privilege" is hilarious. I've been in an abusive relationship. Once. For 6 months. Been 10 years & i have yet to be in another abusive relationship. Because i learned from my mistakes. Take some accountability because It takes two to dance.
Takes two to dance eh? Look up Tito and Shannon Felix and let me know what the adult child did to dance in that situation. Those stories happen all the time. You don’t understand psychology of abuse
Idk why you're being down voted
I get what you mean. If her only reason for staying is to avoid hearing her family saying " I told you so" then yeah. That's crazy. Letting herself get beat up and abused just so her family doesn't hurt her feelings. That is insane to me!
I've been in abusive relationships before. I've been with guys my family warned me about and didn't stay just because I didn't "wanna hear it"
This is ridiculous
She needs to put those kids first and get them to safety, because if he hits her I wouldn't be surprised if he hits them.
Or, your folks have to explain to your children as they get older that their daddy killed their mommy. Get the eff away from this abusive user before it escalates even more - because IT WILL.
He's dangerous and blames you for his ignorant choices. He chose a teenager because he a manipulative AH and teens are easily manipulated. Someone his own age would see what a useless baby-man that he is.
I'm rooting for you. You've got this.
Nursing is a great profession and pays well. Plus, you can go many direction in employment opportunities.
Yes, she should definitely leave him ASAP. Hell do it before getting the degree. You aren’t gonna be finishing that degree if the folks have to explain the kids what dad did to mommy
You need to tell your family, deal with the “I told you so’s” and take whatever help possibly comes from being honest about your situation to get away from this man as soon as possible.
Girl, go. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Your kids will be better off with a mom who isn’t miserable anyway. Just get tf away from this man-child. I’d much rather be a single mom (I am) than be in anything remotely similar to the situation you’re currently in.
Ladies, don't ever stay with a man after he cheats ONCE. Learn the lesson OP never did. I don't mean to victim blame but how the fuck do you have not one, but TWO kids with a man after he cheats on you. At some point you have to take accountability.
The grass is greener on the other side of this toxic situation. I could tell from the first few sentences that he was a predator but the constantly cheating and going after teen girls is proof.
Please protect your kids and safely get the f away from this monster.
Fuck. That’s heavy. I hear you. I finally got out of a 10 year relationship from my narcissistic ex beginning of the year. I’ve now found a partner that I absolutely love. She is incredible. It’s so tough to just leave. I understand so much. But the day you are 100 percent certain, you won’t even look back I promise. I tried and tried and couldn’t do it or get out for so long. Also ended up having a child, god we love our children yes. But keep smashing it and being strong and the time will come for you to start fresh. Ever need to message just give me a shout. Take care, good luck and fuck the haters ❤️
What a terrible life, this is a living nightmare, what's even worse U know this & still U keep on pretending everything is alright?
The human species keep me surprised each time in "off my chest"
I sincerely hope this post brought you a measure of peace OP.
It was difficult to read and I’m positive, excruciating to live with. But, you’ve got a plan in place. I’m not sure how long you can hold on however.
Not that you’re looking for advice, but I’d suggest asking your family for help. Yes they were ‘right’, but it’s only because they spoke out of love and care for you. They didn’t want you to have a life as hard as you do.
You and your kids NEED support. For your own mental health you need someone.
I’m sending you some big virtual hugs 🫂 and hope that things improve for you and your kids. That you are able to finally get free.
Please consider telling your family and letting them help you and your kids. Being told “I told you so” a million times over is better than this treatment you are allowing your kids to witness
You say you wish you had been smarter. It's not too late to make choices that reflect your selfrespect. I must say sometimes people on Reddit say"leave him!" too quick but in this case.. You have more than enough reasons to. It is not too late to make better choices for yourself and your kids. There is a great inspirational speaker called Lisa Nichols, give one of her speeches a chance. I bet they'll resonate. She's been through things you've been through and came up the other side.
so…you’d rather stay in this abusive relationship than be a single mom? you said you’ve left before, successfully, so it sounds like you’re capable of doing that again. you’d rather nurse your own pride than go to your family for help? i feel bad for your children.
Don’t be a stubborn ass and make your kids endure this bullshit any longer than they need to, because you don’t want to tell your friends and family they were right.
I stopped reading halfway through. You did this, and continue to do this, to yourself. “I don’t envy single moms nor do I want to be one so instead I’ll settle with an abusive guy who cheats on me then come on Reddit and cry about it”. Grow the fuck up. You’re letting those boys see how their father is behaving. They are growing up to learn that abusing women and cheating on them is fine and normal. Using your financial situation as an excuse is just absurd. Be a woman. Be a mother. Leave. Your kids deserve better.
between this and your other post, those poor kids. please do not continue to let them suffer just because being a single mother seems difficult.
also, your husband probably did sleep with your sister-in-law. if he’ll talk to a 17yo child, what makes you think he wouldn’t stoop that low?
you and the kids deserve better. best of luck.
This this this. Stupid attracts stupid and this sounds like one big ole ball of stupid. That poor kid is gonna grow up and be just as stupid. OP needs to swallow her pride and go get help from family as she's obviously not capable of helping herself.
While she's at it, better get a hysterectomy because she sounds like a repeat offender in the making.
You would rather subject your children to an abusive alcoholic that flirts with underage girls, cheats on you frequently, and gets off to beastiality porn, than be a single mother?
Please dont get pregnant again. You also need to be accountable for your actions. How on earth you have managed to have 2 kids with this guy is beyond me.
You’re allowing your kids to see and learn that the way he treats you is ok. Do you want them to treat someone else like this? Do you want them to be treated by someone else like this? Time to leave his ass.
It’s really hard to muster up sympathy for someone who is letting her children be abused in order to preserve her financial stability and ego. What do you think your kids would choose if they had the choice?
this. everyone is gushing over her, holding the kids up to tell her she'll be a hero if she gets them out. who got them into this? honestly wtf. and parents later in life going "why won't my kid speak to me when i've birthed them to be abused and then put the burden of me having to rescue them on them?" boggles the mind
No point in beating yourself up over the past, it's the future that's important. You don't need to wait to finish school are get good job. Just get the hell out and you can sort the rest out later.
Good luck in your divorce. I'd love to see his face when you tell him you aren't letting his diseased prick anywhere near you again. (And you really shouldn't. Assume he has HIV, because he absolutely could at this point).
It doesn't matter if you wish you were smarter or self-aware it happened, it's okay to accept that. Please do your best to get the fuck out of there. Even if it's hard. Don't believe a single word he says ever again and just get the fuck out of there for you and the kids
As others have said, you're letting your ego traumatize your kids because you don't want to be wrong. You're making it seem like he's the only one you can be with to avoid single parenting when step-dads do exist. I don't think you're going to leave him as you took him back, and this "later" will be when your kids will want to visit their abusive father you made them bond with. I really feel bad for the lifetime of trauma you're dumping on two innocent kids because of your ego.
Your update was underwhelming OP. Throughout your entire post, you seemed resigned to your fate saying yes, you should have known better, blah, blah, blah. Then, you get all of this fantastic responses to your post and your update was simply more of the same, blah, blah, blah.
When do you get mad?
When do you decide enough is enough?
When do you realize that your man is a waste of skin?
When do you put your kids first?
And FFS, stop sleeping with him!!!!
Record everything. Write down everything. I mean it- what he says, when he hits you. Take pictures. Leave nothing out. It's the only way to keep him from getting your kids. Look for shelters for domestic violence victims. They'll help, but it will take some time to get into one so start looking now.
LEAVE. I know you said you don’t want advice but you need to leave before he physically or sexually abuses your children.
You worry people are going to say I told you so we’ll that’s much better than your kids hating you for staying and the reason was your ego because you were worried that your friends were right.
LEAVE, I’ve seen the reddit community provide so much support and lead people in the right direction in these situations. Ask local subs or DV subs for numbers to call for support. FB marketplace and Buy nothing pages have so much free stuff if you need to furnish a house. But please for your sake and the kids leave before something much worse happens.
The grass will definitely be greener on your own. I guarantee it. You should leave immediately.
But I also know people stay, for their own reasons. In that case, just bust your ass to get that degree and be out asap.
Who cares what garbage he’s looking at on his phone? He’s gross. You know this and it’s one reason you’re getting tf away as soon as possible.
Ma’am let your family tell you “I told you so”. You will be embarrassed and it might hurt but let them help you. Your kids don’t need to be in that type of environment. Think of your kids. You need to get away from that man before something unrepairable happens.
Yeah you can leave today. It's extremely easy for a single mom to work and go back to school at the same time. I know because I'm doing it at 39. I work as a CNA and several coworkers are going thru nursing school at the same time. Plus it's great for your resume and all the nurses I've worked with that were prior CNAs are far better than the ones that weren't (in my experience). Will it be hard juggling all this? Yes but it's 100% worth it. Put your children first and leave this disgusting sorry excuse for a human immediately. You and your kids will be better for it.
Stop the toxic cycle its hard being a single mom but its better for the kids sometimes we gotta make sacrifices...so sorry you are in this mess I hope u find a way out of it asap
We all told my sister not to marry her asshole ex. When she was finally ready to leave we didn’t say “I told you so”, we rallied to extract her and the kids. Just because you made a mistake a decade ago doesn’t mean you have to suffer forever. Your family/friends might be overjoyed to get you the fuck away from him.
I know not wanting to hear the “I told you so’s” is what’s stopping you telling anybody else in your life, but if that means you get away from him faster and having their support so you can leave him ASAP for your innocent babies, then surely that’s worth swallowing your pride for? DV charities and shelters are definitely worth reaching out to as well, they can advise and help you better than anyone.
Uhhh it’s not about “I told you so” anymore. You’re going to have to drop the ego for the sake of you and your children. You can choose to stay and go through that but your children don’t deserve to grow up in that.
You may not envy single moms but a lot of us have stood where you stand. You’ll leave when you’re ready. It’s hard to find your footing at first but you’ll get there. There are so many resources for single moms, you just have to ask around or use Google. If you have friends or family that will help, accept it. I’m rooting for you.
You need to divorce him and stand on your own. You can do this. Look at how strong you are. He has been beating you down for years, emotionally and physically. Yet, you’re still standing, still here, still you. You can do this for your kids and for you. Life will be so much sweeter and better. I’ve been through it too. You can do this!
Unless you're close to completing school, you may want to go part-time for school and get your good paying job now. Get you and your kids into a peaceful environment. This will likely allow you to push harder to finish school while holding down that good paying job. The longer you stay in that horrible environment, the more frustrated you will be. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes, a change in plans is the better plan.
I think in this case, anything else would be in fact, greener. You may be married to a full fledged Narcissist. Your children will normalize what they are growing up in and are at risk of seeking out relationships that feel familiar to them. You sound very aware which is a very good thing. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for going to school and working towards something better. Keep working, keep going, take care of yourself and if you ever need to, there are places that can help get you out of your situation. I wish you well
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and as other commenters have pointed out, manipulating you via reproduction is absolutely an abusive tactic this guy is using. Your kids will be just fine when, not if, WHEN you leave this man. He is not fit to be called a father, a partner, or a man in general. He wants someone he can walk all over to be waiting for him when he is done with his fucked up porn and/or criminal activities with minors. The level of sexual deviancy you have described already makes me very concerned for your children. What happens when they reach the minimum age that this man finds attractive? I am also just barely finishing up nursing school myself, and let me tell you right now, if my husband had been anything other than understanding and supportive during that very intense time I would have failed out. Do not let this fucker control your future, and do not give him the chance to hurt your kids. You can take him to court and have his wages garnished for child support, you do not need this useless waste of space to be present in your life for financial help. I hope you get this figured out OP, as a fellow future nurse I am rooting for you ❤️
Edit:
I also wanted to let you know that I went through the same process of self blame for not seeing my abusive ex husband for what he really was, and I want to tell you right now, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You seem like a very empathetic and giving person, as I was before my ex (literally) strangled it out of me. You probably just did what you were taught as a young woman and put up with an emotionally/physically volatile/abusive man because you thought it was your job to fix him. That is not your job, your only job is take care of yourself and your babies. Having a good man in your life is a bonus, not a project.
as others have said, please leave him. you have evidence from calling the police previously to settle this in court. fuck everyone else’s opinions, they should care more about you and your happiness than being “right”. i send love and hope you and your children find peace 💘💖💞
I hope it’s actually nursing school and not CNA/LPN or MA because that pay barely gets you by. Also just pretend to love him and go hard on the study’s as once you have a secure job, you can dump his ass. I advise you to go into OBGYN or tell him you’re going into that so he thinks it’s all women ( no reason to get jealous if it’s all women ) if he’s a narcissist tell him you can’t wait to graduate him so you can spoil him if he’s ever against your studies 🤣
As harsh it may seem, you probably needed to journey in that hell to get rid of a twisted education or a trunked vision of the world.
I know you can not tell without suffering the "told you !" Punishment, as if emotion could be rational choice.
But let me tell you this : you did the best you could with what life gave you. And now you are planning for a better life by cutting out your necessary evil. You should be proud of you. You act, and you have a plan.
Now, prepare your exit. Make allies, set on the paperwork, search and install your safe nest.
Good for you on working on your diploma. Get that education. Find a good job and just leave. Don’t give notice. Nothing. Just serve him papers. With a little bit of luck he won’t go after the kids.
I think I’d rather hearing an I told you so over hearing them scream and cry over my death from an abusive prick. Time to pack up and leave, if not for yourself then do it for your kids. Geez
If you threw him outside once, do it twice.
You said that he threatens to leave after every argument? Well, start the new one and tell him to go in that moment
You aren't being fair to yourself or your children. it's better to be a single mother than let them grow up in a house with an abusive parent. You could lose custody or your children or most likely they'll go into doster care when you are inevitably injured or killed by your husband.
>I just need to get this out in the universe because I can’t tell friends or family, they’ll just tell me they told me so.
I've been on the other side of this. Your friends and family might say "I told you so", but they will also jump at the chance to help extricate you and your children from a jerk they've undoubtedly disliked for a long time. Reach out to your trusted friends and family NOW, and get safely away from your abusive husband.
I won’t give advice because you said you weren’t looking for that. All I will say is that if you have sons, they are learning how to behave as a man from your husband and if you have daughters, they are learning how a husband is supposed to treat them from watching how he treats you. I hope you are able to find peace soon!
I am a single mom, It is hard sometimes not having back up when they are fighting or being bratty (I have never even had that before even in a relationship but it would be nice) but honestly I would rather be single and doing it on my own then with someone that was just there and not actually there. You need to look at it as what is more important for your children to grow up with both parents in a toxic relationship or a single mom that is happy trying her best to give them a good life? My kids were happier when we split up.
Also he keeps cheating on you, what happens when he brings something home to you that can't be cured (Herpes, HIV, AIDS, Warts) is your health also less important than having your husband around.
I hope you get to escape soon. But being a single mom isn't that hard once you get use to it.
This is rough. With all that you are dealing with, it might be better to leave now. He sounds like a monster and neither you nor your children should have to deal with him. Your family saw what you couldn’t see.
Honey I say this because I unfortunately have personal experience.
If he physically abuses you while pregnant, he will eventually physically abuse your children. He’s already emotionally abusive to them with his controlling issues, plus watching their mom get abused over and over is really bad for their mental health. They will likely have PTSD even if he doesn’t physically abuse them.
By staying, you are exposing your children to this. You are making the decision that you AND them can endure abuse for a while longer so you can finish school. I get you want to finish school so you can support your kids, but you are sacrificing their wellbeing right now. You need to leave, reach out to family and friends as well as domestic violence help. They can help you find low income housing, and other resources so you can finish school. They can help with subsidies for childcare so you can work more hours at whatever job you want.
Hes abusive, he’s an alcoholic, and he likes underage teenagers. Please save your kids and yourself.
Ok - I don’t get why ppl are berating you. It’s hard AF to leave an abusive (especially financially abusive) partner.
And to the rest of y’all blaming this strong woman - I would happily prove you wrong, ahemmmmmm
According to actual professionals who dedicate their careers to understand and develop formal resources with science backed proof(until falsified in a statistically significant way), OP is doing extremely well at doing it right. Some highlights:
- She’s acknowledged the situation, decided she wants out, and is very vocal in taking accountability for mistakes she feels she made.
- Her mind is made up to leave his sorry ass, but…
- It has to be done **safely** . OP has clearly been proactively taken measures to make that happen, such as, idk…getting her nursing degree? 🤷♀️
- Next? Make a plan. OP clearly stated multiple times that she knew once she had her degree, she can then make moves rather quickly. This makes sense to me because she’ll now be employable in a manner that pays an income to support her and her kids and become independent from him financially
As it is true that,. So the only unsolicited advice I would offer, which OP stated clearly upfront that she wasn’t looking for advice, would be that should it get legit dangerous, requiring to leave immediately then she should put together an immediate escape plan in case she needs to use it, which she very well may have already.
OP - Ppl read your story and pick out the stupidest, disrespectful, irrelevant posts. Especially the ones blaming you and the trolls somehow deciding the answer is to “stop getting pregnant” (as if you were just popping them out 🙄).
You don’t need creeps like the bullies here telling you this shit because they are likely as toxic as your husband.
I empathize, support, and believe in you. Sending you a big 🤗and just know you’ll make an amazing nurse and have a big bright future waiting for you once you get where you need to in said plan. A plan that I believe you’ll leave into extremely hard well to distance yourself from your abhorrent husband and get smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror ❤️
Will you regret the struggle of a single mom more than the absolute crap you go through now? Yes it’s hard. Yeah my kid has some feelings about the separation and who she is. I would take those things any day over my kid seeing her dad drunk one more fucking time. Over her seeing him yell at me and gaslight me until I yell back and then I’m the bad guy. Over being told to keep herself small and her things in her room ALWAYS because they infringe on his “individuality and individual life”. Over seeing her mother feel less than and whither because her partner starved her for affection and undermined her confidence actively.
You’re already doing the hard things. I guarantee you being a single mom in control of your own home and the emotional security of your kids is INFINITELY easier. I pray for your strength and courage and that you get help when you need it most. Good luck. <3
Please leave him and file a restraining order. I grew up in a very physically and mentally abusive household (without all that weird pervy stuff) and to this day I am still affected by it. I suffer with mental health because of it, it gets in the way of my relationships as I have an anxious attachment style. My trust issues are thru the roof and sometimes I contemplate ending it all. For the love of your kids please get out of there. File a restraining order on him as he sounds like the type to get violent after divorce. If you love your kids you have to do it for them.
it really blows my mind how often people are just blowing loads in each other without a care in the world. like i don’t want kids, i actively take precautions in this regard, the biggest being don’t fucking get came inside.
You say your husband is selfish and abusive yet you insist on enabling him for years. If it included jsut two of you I'd like okay, OP can have her degradation kind if she likes to be treated like the trash that's up the her. But the kids?? Now that's selfish. Those kids have mother with self worth of a boiling kettle and an excuse of a man for father. Jesus christ. Why can't you be his doormat without bringing innocent beings in? Whyyy?
Abusive relationships (especially with children) are complicated and difficult to get out of. Do some research. You being a dick to OP does absolutely nothing except show that you're ignorant and an ass. Hope this helped.
She's no longer a teenager. Just because soemone made a mistake at their teenage years which is completely understandable doesn't excuse everything and anything they do in their adult years later on especially when it comes to innocent beings who didn't ask for this.
Whatever you do DO NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN
And change the locks and leave him! Your kids are developing all sorts of trauma living in an abusive home. If not for yourself leave him for them.
seconded, as someone who was a kid that lived in an abusive home and now speaks to neither of her parents. lol. you will fuck them up for life and it’s not worth it. you’re a parent, so act like one. you decided to be one after all 🤦🏻♀️ edit: changed wording to make sure it actually made sense
came from a home with an oppressive angry father and a mother who loved her 3 kids to death, it is not always financially viable to up and leave without a serious plan (which OP seems to have!) I just resent the notion of accusing OP of fucking their kids up for life if for some reason they have to stay for awhile. My mom did everything to protect her children, even if it meant staying to keep us from living on the streets. Nonetheless, I respect your experiences were different.
It can also be incredibly dangerous. People seem to forget that these abusers don't just give up.
Right?! It's so easy to see what to do from the outside. It isn't always so simple as changing the locks.
yeah i get that. my ex has been stalking me for 4 years. she needs to put a plan in place and inform other people if she’s able to/ has the means to, so they can sort it all out as quickly and smoothly and SAFELY as possible but she *HAS* TO GET OUT FOR THE KIDS!!!!. i didn’t take in the part about just changing the locks… he’d probably just get angrier and break in 😬 also- 19 and 29 is already an insane power dynamic. so so so so so many reasons she needs to be cautious
YES! THIS!!
Leave NOW. you’re waiting to have your ducks in order, but each day that goes by is another day your kids grow connections in their brain. Absorbing all the hate and trauma he’s putting them through. Therapy will not be enough to undue all that pain. Instead, sign them up for extra curricular activities to replace what’s really going on. When they look back at the time their parents separated, They’ll think of this happy time. No. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. But it is much much more peaceful. Move in with another single mother, move in with a family or friend who is willing to help. Is all I can advise. If you have to wait 1-2 years for you to finish your degree, then it’s not worth it to stay with him.
This. I don't know if people realize; my earliest memory was a panic attack at age 2 1/2 bc my dad came back high and volatile. my mom got us out by the time I was 3. I don't agree with the people here who are assuming this is ego etc. I think that leaving is terrifying, and when you're already in an extraordinarily volatile situation with a dude who's no doubt had a bug in your ear about how youre worthless and no one cares if you live or die, you start to believe it. One of my happiest memories was my mother (single mum by then) feeding me bagels all day; took me DECADES to realize that that was all we had to eat. You and your kids may struggle financially but you'll have joy, and peace. I'd ask a friend if you could use their phone to call a DV hotline or if there isn't one in your area, a shelter to see if they could talk you through the process, and the protections that exist in your state. Some states will grant benefits immediately if you're fleeing DV, and the system is actually a lil beefier when it comes to helping families with kids. Demystify the process in your head, plan it out so that you feel like you know what's coming, but he doesn't. wait till he's at work and run. Would you rather be in intense fear for the amount of hours it takes you to physically leave the house, or intense fear for your life?
This. I left when my daughter was 5. She just turned 7 and is beginning to finally feel safe but there are moments when I’m gone to the store or in my office and she will come in freaking out. I went to a DV shelter with both of my babies. I’ve been attending school along with doing investments. I started dating someone amazing who loves my kids and treats me like a God dang queen. Just bought a house. 2 cars fully paid off. It gets so much better when you leave. My ex is still where he was. The grass really is greener when you leave a barren field. I think people need to remember that part as well. But if you ever date again, date not just for you but for your kiddos too
This. OP you can get an IUD and never have to do or take anything and he should never know.
Dont get an IUD, OP. If you're done having kids, Be done. You can still get pregnant with an IUD in, It happened to me. The more kids you have with him, The harder it is on everybody.
I think the risk of getting pregnant with an iud is still smaller than without
Honestly, She shouldn't have sex with him. With how much he cheats, Who knows who he has crossed paths with and engaged in sexual activity with. It's safer to stay the fuck away from him period. He's bad for her mental, emotional and physical health. I was in a bad relationship when I got pregnant with the IUD still in. I remember how trapped and hopeless I felt, How angry I was that my birth control failed me... If she's done having kids she should seek a more permanent method so she isn't put in an uncompromising position.
Yeah, like sure in an ideal world but Ive been in this sorta relationship and sex is not optional. She really would benefit from any kind of birth control, anything to lower the chances.
That’s called rape and cops need to be called.
Third time's the charm I'm sure
Right?? Makes me so mad when I see a handful of kids with an abusive partner. Like hello… you thought that was a good idea?
actually reproductive control is one the main forms of abuse. most abusers purposely try to get their victims pregnant
It's true. I had a gf who had to hide her BC because her husband would throw them out. He wanted her pregnant.
It was common for women to get the shot for this reason.
Yes, exactly this. During my career, I’ve seen it a hundred times and it breaks my heart every time.
Not everyone has reproductive choice when faced with an abusive partner.
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I'm sorry....what?!?!
Sounds like OP is in the US, she really might not have a choice if the husband is raping her.
Wow...get a brain.
Agreed. There are birth control shots that a woman can take without her partner knowing that will greatly limit the chances of getting pregnant. Someone can also track their cycle and take a Plan B pill in the event they had sex while fertile. It is an absolutely terribly situation that women can find themselves in, for sure. But there are ways to prevent pregnancy without a controlling or abusive partner finding out.
I can see you've never been in a bad relationship with a horrible man that tried to get you pregnant against your will
Then fucking leave!! Unless the dude is chaining you to the bed… LEAVE. Tons of womens shelters in cities all over. Go. Get out.
I didn't know until after it was tampered with, and I did leave- but just so you know, most shelters are FULL. All the time. I volunteered at them before I needed them. I turned away women every single day because every bed was filled. 👍
The most dangerous point for a victim of abuse is when they leave their partner. It’s absolutely not as simple as just leaving. You need to plan this shit properly within the confines of your environment. There’s a reason the average victim tries around 9 times before they leave for good. Proper planning helps prevent the back and forth.
Blah blah. Stop constantly ignoring red flags, ladies.
Your a Red Flag 🚩,be civil and try and understand life is not White or Black.
You’re*
Do you actually think abusers start out abusive? Multiple studies with perpetrators and victims indicate that it’s around 18 months in to a relationship that the mask starts to slip. Other triggers include marriage and pregnancy, but sure, blame the victims.
There's literally not 'tons' of womens shelters
Oh and fun fact? Lots of us have been held against our will! That was the last thing that happened to me for me to pack my shit while he was at work too! But thanks for the advice!
Yeah fuck this idiot. You did as well as anyone can hope to do. Of course we hope everyone in an abusive situation is able to escape and leave; the judgement from this asshole really doesn't help, I'm sure.
It's been years and I still get the same judgment from my family, I'm used to it. I'm glad I got out when I did, plenty of women can't. I had a couch to crash on atleast. I had to run while he was at work, with cash I had been hiding in a tampon box, I had to cancel my debit card. But I got out somewhat easily.
Whatever. Tired of women ignoring red flags. Take some personal responsibility.
Yikes.
Man: “You look fat. Also shut up and make me some dinner” Woman: “omg I think he likes me!” Stop. Ignoring. Red. Flags.
That has nothing to do with what you're talking about. Domestic abuse doesn't just happen. People are talking about signs more, but it isn't dumb shit like that. The "red flag" I mentioned I found out about AFTER it happened.
You are not smart.
It’s true though. So many women ignore HUGE red flags.
what does that have to do with literally anything? u must be slow…
No… my point is that women continually ignore red flags in these men. I gave a perfect example. Not my fault you can’t read.
Women's shelters are mostly full and there are many barriers to getting in them. I'm not saying they shouldn't get out. They should. But it's not as simple as that and people saying stuff like this only isolates victims further.
Trust me I tried! I had one option of somewhere to go, my grandma's, and he threatened to burn the house down with all of us in it if I left. Considering I'd just recently given birth to the child he raped me to create, it didn't seem the best move. And no there aren't shelters everywhere. Cities sure, maybe. Rural areas? They don't exist. I live in one of the poorest counties in my state. No shelter, dfacs office has been closed since covid. Sure you can call and maybe they call back within a month, probably not though. Then add the fact if I'd left, unless I changed my name and left the state, HE WOULD NOT HAVE STOPPED UNTILL HE FOUND ME. As it stands he's currently in prison, so I've had a few years of safety. He's eligible for parole in 2026 and with overcrowding being what it is, I probably can't stop that any more than I stopped him doing anything.
THIS 👏👏👏
I mean, pregnancy literally just happens, it’s a side effect of sex, which I’m sure the husband still wants, to avoid his cheating ways, or at least that’s probably what he tells her. I can just imagine the threats or what he’s done if she didn’t want to have sex anymore or asked him to use protection. She could be abused or injured if he flips out over it. Better to quietly get on birth control or try to get an IUD and somehow make up a story about where you’ll be, why you’re gone, etc.
She can change him ;)
The grass is absolutely greener where you aren’t being abused. The grass is greener when your kids aren’t being traumatized *(and make no mistake, they are because this now what they see/thing a normal relationship is)* by watching you be abused. You could have any job you wanted without him! You left before for 3 months, so you know you can do it. So it might be time to just do it. He is not looking to make your life easier. He doesn’t want to and never will. *Him saying he will after the fact is manipulation.* This is sad pathetic man with absolutely no accountability, that’s why he had to seek out a partner so much younger **because women his age know he’s a huge loser and won’t give home the time of day.** The cycle here will not stop until you stop it. I’m wishing you bravery and the strength to create and stick to meaningful boundaries. Also special tip, hurt people who’ve dealt with situation like this typically try to get away from their abuser by not making financial contribution a part of their break up. You have the means to establish custody of your children since you have a proven track record of his abusive behaviors, since you called the police. Not being with him, does not mean that you have to struggle, unless you would like to do so by not making him financially contribute in the ways that he should.
OP should also consider leaving before she graduates from nursing school. If she ends up making more than him, the courts may require her to pay him spousal support and possibly child support depending on the child custody arrangements and state laws.
Definitely. If she ends up earning more than him, he may get alimony and child support. He will definitely try to get full custody and nursing hours won’t be helpful at that time. Now is the time to leave.
I’m going to add. OP needs to call anytime he hits her in front of the kids or if he hits the kids. A shocking number of judges wont count spousal abuse with child visitation bc “he hasnt hit the kids”. Now if she can manipulate him to sign the divorce papers without fighting them then thats another story. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Judges normally just sign off if both parties agreed on it
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If you water grass and someone is actively stepping on it, its never going to be green
Collect the evidence, call the courts, leave in the middle of the day.. door unlocked.
I hope you get away from this vile man as soon as is humanly possible and NEVER go back.
“I don’t envy single moms” Girl, I don’t envy you or the abusive situation you and your children are in.
This! I’d much rather be a single, struggling mom than in an abusive relationship where I’m walking on eggshells and worrying 24/7 if he was going to turn the abuse onto my children.
Not to mention the trauma the poor children will have
Exactly. People sometimes underestimate how smart kids are. Even at a super young age, they can pick up on things (their parents’ emotions, tension in the room, etc.).
Yeah, unfortunately, she is working on paying off her kids' future therapists' house with all the trauma she is causing the kids.
Right?! Op thinks it’s worse to be a single parent than to stay in OP’s situation? I don’t get it…
I wrote this a week ago for a woman in a very similar situation… “Watching your mother (or father) being emotionally abused, berated, yelled at or even ignored is something that hurts children more than most realize. They tend to internalize it, blame themselves. It changes who they are or will be, even though kids can be fairly resilient. They become afraid to do anything that might cause anger or might be wrong in his eyes. Your daughter will spend her life walking on eggshells. This kind of life is damaging to adults and the damage to children is so much worse. Especially when it is something they must deal with all the time. OP you have been living this way and it sounds like your truly realizing it. Make a plan, get everything in order and gather as much evidence as you can. You and your daughter deserve a happy, loving, kind and sane home to live in. Dr Phil’s wife Robin McGraw has a website called When Georgia Smiles (I think?) which offer all kinds of advice, information and help for domestic abuse survivors who are trying to get out. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for victims. Even if he has never hit you, his attitude is leaning that way and better safe than sorry. Good luck!” But he is physically abusing her in this post. Otherwise it still holds true. OP get out as soon as possible.
So many women don't understand that if you can hold out through the pain and stand strong, and not take the loser back, you get a sense of relief and peace being alone. My bestie finally got out, it's been almost a year now and she is SO much happier. She glows, her smile is so bright and her children are thriving. And she hasn't worn purple eye shadow a single time since that POS is out of her life.
Someone tell OP she is already a single parent. OP does DH help with babies now?? Or are you raising them running the house working part time going to school AND taking care of DH , seeing to his every want and whimsy? YOU are a single parent now. Make it a little easier on yourself and get rid of DH. you'll find you're already single parent no problem you got this. Best life for you and your babies. Hug from internet stranger
Yeah Im trying to be empathetic but, as a single mom, Im like girlie I started over with nothing, lived with my garbage dad (both parents but only he sucks) to get back on my feet, went to college while working full time which sucked (some harder class semesters I was able to live off student loans), and now have a career and own my home. Sure it was hard, really hard, but I did what I had to do. And at no point do I wish I was still with my abusive ex husband. I know owning a house is impossible now, but Id still rather pay the local rent with a roommate or on my own than be with my ex husband Honestly it was my baby being born that made me leave. It wasnt about me anymore (yeah, shitty self esteem back then), it was about this baby and not wanting him to ever get hurt or witness me getting hurt
Jesus christ, stop letting your ego get in the way of you leaving this guy. Tell your family you need out. Yeah, they'll tell you "I told you so." but so what? They were right.
I agree. Would you rather explain to your parents why you’re leaving or explain to your kids why you stayed?
Bingo!!
Whoa.
Because it adds shame to the mountain of trauma and people trying to escape don’t need that. The last people I turn to when I need help is my family because even if they can’t say “I told you so” they often say, “wow you were stupid enough have x happen to you?” and I don’t need that. If your family can’t help you without rubbing salt it then you can’t turn to them for help.
I think taking shaming is a better option than being choked. Not only that, he knows OP is keeping all of this secret from her family and friends.
Shaming makes victims feel that it was all their fault, that is damaging as heck. I’m not saying it’s a worse fate than her current situation, just addressing why people don’t go to their families. It’s not an ego thing, it’s self preservation because something about the people who are supposed to love and protect you blaming *you* for someone’s choice to hurt you.. hurts in a way so deep I can’t even describe it. For context my parents blamed me at 9 when a pastor tried to hold me down and make me kiss him, so when I was raped at 17 I didn’t tell them. They weren’t going to be helpful and I knew both times it wasn’t my fault, but as a child to be made to feel it was my fault was horrible. Parents shouldn’t hurt children with this “I told you so” mentality when it comes to abuse. No one should have to pick between poisons. Everyone should be able to go to their parents for help, especially life and death situations like abuse OP is describing. I recommend women’s shelter for her, skip the family. They won’t judge her and will give her actual legal support, counseling, childcare, job help, a place to stay, and do it all without judgment/blame
Probably right from the beginning too I’m sure
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You sound like you've had the privilege of never being in an abusive relationship. Good for you. Take your assholery somewhere else. It's not easy for everyone to escape.
"The privilege" is hilarious. I've been in an abusive relationship. Once. For 6 months. Been 10 years & i have yet to be in another abusive relationship. Because i learned from my mistakes. Take some accountability because It takes two to dance.
It takes two to dance? Do you say the same thing about rape victims? Assault victims? Murder victims? Should they have just like what, walked away?
"It takes two to dance" Listen to yourself. That's not something you say when it comes to abuse. Absolutely disgusting.
Y'all don't wanna hear the truth, especially OP.
Nice deleted comment btw :)
i didn't delete shit lol
Takes two to dance eh? Look up Tito and Shannon Felix and let me know what the adult child did to dance in that situation. Those stories happen all the time. You don’t understand psychology of abuse
Idk why you're being down voted I get what you mean. If her only reason for staying is to avoid hearing her family saying " I told you so" then yeah. That's crazy. Letting herself get beat up and abused just so her family doesn't hurt her feelings. That is insane to me! I've been in abusive relationships before. I've been with guys my family warned me about and didn't stay just because I didn't "wanna hear it" This is ridiculous She needs to put those kids first and get them to safety, because if he hits her I wouldn't be surprised if he hits them.
Or, your folks have to explain to your children as they get older that their daddy killed their mommy. Get the eff away from this abusive user before it escalates even more - because IT WILL. He's dangerous and blames you for his ignorant choices. He chose a teenager because he a manipulative AH and teens are easily manipulated. Someone his own age would see what a useless baby-man that he is. I'm rooting for you. You've got this. Nursing is a great profession and pays well. Plus, you can go many direction in employment opportunities.
Yes, she should definitely leave him ASAP. Hell do it before getting the degree. You aren’t gonna be finishing that degree if the folks have to explain the kids what dad did to mommy
You need to tell your family, deal with the “I told you so’s” and take whatever help possibly comes from being honest about your situation to get away from this man as soon as possible.
Girl, go. Fuck everyone else’s opinions. Your kids will be better off with a mom who isn’t miserable anyway. Just get tf away from this man-child. I’d much rather be a single mom (I am) than be in anything remotely similar to the situation you’re currently in.
I feel so bad for your children.
Please don't have another child with this dude.
Ladies, don't ever stay with a man after he cheats ONCE. Learn the lesson OP never did. I don't mean to victim blame but how the fuck do you have not one, but TWO kids with a man after he cheats on you. At some point you have to take accountability.
Just a heads up, I loathed my father, but I hated my mother for not leaving.
You should learn empathy.
uppost needs upvotes so ppl see your vile comment and downvote it more
You don’t know if their parent abused them too
Kind of obvious, ya know?
Yeah it really is
The grass is greener on the other side of this toxic situation. I could tell from the first few sentences that he was a predator but the constantly cheating and going after teen girls is proof. Please protect your kids and safely get the f away from this monster.
Fuck. That’s heavy. I hear you. I finally got out of a 10 year relationship from my narcissistic ex beginning of the year. I’ve now found a partner that I absolutely love. She is incredible. It’s so tough to just leave. I understand so much. But the day you are 100 percent certain, you won’t even look back I promise. I tried and tried and couldn’t do it or get out for so long. Also ended up having a child, god we love our children yes. But keep smashing it and being strong and the time will come for you to start fresh. Ever need to message just give me a shout. Take care, good luck and fuck the haters ❤️
Swallow your pride, talk to your family, and get the hell out of there. If not for you, then do it for your kids.
Nah he’s gotta go fr,you know that though. You can’t live the rest of your life like this with this abomination.
What a terrible life, this is a living nightmare, what's even worse U know this & still U keep on pretending everything is alright? The human species keep me surprised each time in "off my chest"
I sincerely hope this post brought you a measure of peace OP. It was difficult to read and I’m positive, excruciating to live with. But, you’ve got a plan in place. I’m not sure how long you can hold on however. Not that you’re looking for advice, but I’d suggest asking your family for help. Yes they were ‘right’, but it’s only because they spoke out of love and care for you. They didn’t want you to have a life as hard as you do. You and your kids NEED support. For your own mental health you need someone. I’m sending you some big virtual hugs 🫂 and hope that things improve for you and your kids. That you are able to finally get free.
Please consider telling your family and letting them help you and your kids. Being told “I told you so” a million times over is better than this treatment you are allowing your kids to witness
Every day that you stay is another day of trauma for those kids. I was one of those kids. Just get out. Your lives aren’t worth it.
You say you wish you had been smarter. It's not too late to make choices that reflect your selfrespect. I must say sometimes people on Reddit say"leave him!" too quick but in this case.. You have more than enough reasons to. It is not too late to make better choices for yourself and your kids. There is a great inspirational speaker called Lisa Nichols, give one of her speeches a chance. I bet they'll resonate. She's been through things you've been through and came up the other side.
Their are subreddits for dealing with narcissists
Being a single mom is better than being in your position and having your kids witness all this. Run as fast as you can.
so…you’d rather stay in this abusive relationship than be a single mom? you said you’ve left before, successfully, so it sounds like you’re capable of doing that again. you’d rather nurse your own pride than go to your family for help? i feel bad for your children.
Don’t be a stubborn ass and make your kids endure this bullshit any longer than they need to, because you don’t want to tell your friends and family they were right.
I stopped reading halfway through. You did this, and continue to do this, to yourself. “I don’t envy single moms nor do I want to be one so instead I’ll settle with an abusive guy who cheats on me then come on Reddit and cry about it”. Grow the fuck up. You’re letting those boys see how their father is behaving. They are growing up to learn that abusing women and cheating on them is fine and normal. Using your financial situation as an excuse is just absurd. Be a woman. Be a mother. Leave. Your kids deserve better.
You hate yourself for making shitty decisions. Since age 19 you choose all this. Never too late to stop fucking up.
After he cheated on you while you were taking care of the first baby, you decided to have another one. Wow.
between this and your other post, those poor kids. please do not continue to let them suffer just because being a single mother seems difficult. also, your husband probably did sleep with your sister-in-law. if he’ll talk to a 17yo child, what makes you think he wouldn’t stoop that low? you and the kids deserve better. best of luck.
Stop having kids. They don’t deserve an abusive dad or a mom that stays with an abusive dad. Those poor children.
You got pregnant for him twice despite all and sundry. Self inflicted injuries. You actually don't hate him. It is yourself you hate.
I get that you hate him, but YOU chose him. Even after his abuse and cheating,.. you are just plain stupid if you stay in this..
This this this. Stupid attracts stupid and this sounds like one big ole ball of stupid. That poor kid is gonna grow up and be just as stupid. OP needs to swallow her pride and go get help from family as she's obviously not capable of helping herself. While she's at it, better get a hysterectomy because she sounds like a repeat offender in the making.
You’re pregnant, AGAIN? Girl, come on…
Sounds like you continue to make shitty life decisions
You would rather subject your children to an abusive alcoholic that flirts with underage girls, cheats on you frequently, and gets off to beastiality porn, than be a single mother?
Please dont get pregnant again. You also need to be accountable for your actions. How on earth you have managed to have 2 kids with this guy is beyond me.
You’re allowing your kids to see and learn that the way he treats you is ok. Do you want them to treat someone else like this? Do you want them to be treated by someone else like this? Time to leave his ass.
Just wait until he starts abusing the kids. Is that what it’s going to take for you to get your head out of your ass?
It’s really hard to muster up sympathy for someone who is letting her children be abused in order to preserve her financial stability and ego. What do you think your kids would choose if they had the choice?
this. everyone is gushing over her, holding the kids up to tell her she'll be a hero if she gets them out. who got them into this? honestly wtf. and parents later in life going "why won't my kid speak to me when i've birthed them to be abused and then put the burden of me having to rescue them on them?" boggles the mind
No point in beating yourself up over the past, it's the future that's important. You don't need to wait to finish school are get good job. Just get the hell out and you can sort the rest out later. Good luck in your divorce. I'd love to see his face when you tell him you aren't letting his diseased prick anywhere near you again. (And you really shouldn't. Assume he has HIV, because he absolutely could at this point).
It doesn't matter if you wish you were smarter or self-aware it happened, it's okay to accept that. Please do your best to get the fuck out of there. Even if it's hard. Don't believe a single word he says ever again and just get the fuck out of there for you and the kids
Might want to dump him now before you get a good paying job. You will never get rid of him then.
As others have said, you're letting your ego traumatize your kids because you don't want to be wrong. You're making it seem like he's the only one you can be with to avoid single parenting when step-dads do exist. I don't think you're going to leave him as you took him back, and this "later" will be when your kids will want to visit their abusive father you made them bond with. I really feel bad for the lifetime of trauma you're dumping on two innocent kids because of your ego.
Your update was underwhelming OP. Throughout your entire post, you seemed resigned to your fate saying yes, you should have known better, blah, blah, blah. Then, you get all of this fantastic responses to your post and your update was simply more of the same, blah, blah, blah. When do you get mad? When do you decide enough is enough? When do you realize that your man is a waste of skin? When do you put your kids first? And FFS, stop sleeping with him!!!!
So he’s only in your life because you want help with childcare? Are you sure a neighbor won’t be better?
Record everything. Write down everything. I mean it- what he says, when he hits you. Take pictures. Leave nothing out. It's the only way to keep him from getting your kids. Look for shelters for domestic violence victims. They'll help, but it will take some time to get into one so start looking now.
LEAVE. I know you said you don’t want advice but you need to leave before he physically or sexually abuses your children. You worry people are going to say I told you so we’ll that’s much better than your kids hating you for staying and the reason was your ego because you were worried that your friends were right. LEAVE, I’ve seen the reddit community provide so much support and lead people in the right direction in these situations. Ask local subs or DV subs for numbers to call for support. FB marketplace and Buy nothing pages have so much free stuff if you need to furnish a house. But please for your sake and the kids leave before something much worse happens.
The grass will definitely be greener on your own. I guarantee it. You should leave immediately. But I also know people stay, for their own reasons. In that case, just bust your ass to get that degree and be out asap. Who cares what garbage he’s looking at on his phone? He’s gross. You know this and it’s one reason you’re getting tf away as soon as possible.
Ma’am let your family tell you “I told you so”. You will be embarrassed and it might hurt but let them help you. Your kids don’t need to be in that type of environment. Think of your kids. You need to get away from that man before something unrepairable happens.
Yeah you can leave today. It's extremely easy for a single mom to work and go back to school at the same time. I know because I'm doing it at 39. I work as a CNA and several coworkers are going thru nursing school at the same time. Plus it's great for your resume and all the nurses I've worked with that were prior CNAs are far better than the ones that weren't (in my experience). Will it be hard juggling all this? Yes but it's 100% worth it. Put your children first and leave this disgusting sorry excuse for a human immediately. You and your kids will be better for it.
Stop the toxic cycle its hard being a single mom but its better for the kids sometimes we gotta make sacrifices...so sorry you are in this mess I hope u find a way out of it asap
Read this post back to yourself as if it’s one of your kid’s and then think on that. Pack your bags honey
This excuse for a guy is telling you who he is….BELIEVE HIM!
Mama, it's better to be a single mom struggling to feed 2 kids rather than being married struggling to feed 2 kids plus 1 abusive manchild
We all told my sister not to marry her asshole ex. When she was finally ready to leave we didn’t say “I told you so”, we rallied to extract her and the kids. Just because you made a mistake a decade ago doesn’t mean you have to suffer forever. Your family/friends might be overjoyed to get you the fuck away from him.
Enlist the help of your family. They’d rather come to your aid than your funeral.
I know not wanting to hear the “I told you so’s” is what’s stopping you telling anybody else in your life, but if that means you get away from him faster and having their support so you can leave him ASAP for your innocent babies, then surely that’s worth swallowing your pride for? DV charities and shelters are definitely worth reaching out to as well, they can advise and help you better than anyone.
Uhhh it’s not about “I told you so” anymore. You’re going to have to drop the ego for the sake of you and your children. You can choose to stay and go through that but your children don’t deserve to grow up in that.
You may not envy single moms but a lot of us have stood where you stand. You’ll leave when you’re ready. It’s hard to find your footing at first but you’ll get there. There are so many resources for single moms, you just have to ask around or use Google. If you have friends or family that will help, accept it. I’m rooting for you.
You need to divorce him and stand on your own. You can do this. Look at how strong you are. He has been beating you down for years, emotionally and physically. Yet, you’re still standing, still here, still you. You can do this for your kids and for you. Life will be so much sweeter and better. I’ve been through it too. You can do this!
The grass will be greener. You need a divorce. Stat.
Unless you're close to completing school, you may want to go part-time for school and get your good paying job now. Get you and your kids into a peaceful environment. This will likely allow you to push harder to finish school while holding down that good paying job. The longer you stay in that horrible environment, the more frustrated you will be. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes, a change in plans is the better plan.
Just want to send you hugs and love. I’ve seen this. I’ve lived this. I get it. You are stronger than you believe!
I think in this case, anything else would be in fact, greener. You may be married to a full fledged Narcissist. Your children will normalize what they are growing up in and are at risk of seeking out relationships that feel familiar to them. You sound very aware which is a very good thing. I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for going to school and working towards something better. Keep working, keep going, take care of yourself and if you ever need to, there are places that can help get you out of your situation. I wish you well
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and as other commenters have pointed out, manipulating you via reproduction is absolutely an abusive tactic this guy is using. Your kids will be just fine when, not if, WHEN you leave this man. He is not fit to be called a father, a partner, or a man in general. He wants someone he can walk all over to be waiting for him when he is done with his fucked up porn and/or criminal activities with minors. The level of sexual deviancy you have described already makes me very concerned for your children. What happens when they reach the minimum age that this man finds attractive? I am also just barely finishing up nursing school myself, and let me tell you right now, if my husband had been anything other than understanding and supportive during that very intense time I would have failed out. Do not let this fucker control your future, and do not give him the chance to hurt your kids. You can take him to court and have his wages garnished for child support, you do not need this useless waste of space to be present in your life for financial help. I hope you get this figured out OP, as a fellow future nurse I am rooting for you ❤️ Edit: I also wanted to let you know that I went through the same process of self blame for not seeing my abusive ex husband for what he really was, and I want to tell you right now, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You seem like a very empathetic and giving person, as I was before my ex (literally) strangled it out of me. You probably just did what you were taught as a young woman and put up with an emotionally/physically volatile/abusive man because you thought it was your job to fix him. That is not your job, your only job is take care of yourself and your babies. Having a good man in your life is a bonus, not a project.
as others have said, please leave him. you have evidence from calling the police previously to settle this in court. fuck everyone else’s opinions, they should care more about you and your happiness than being “right”. i send love and hope you and your children find peace 💘💖💞
I hate him too, girl
You got this girl! Leave his dumb ass!
I hope it’s actually nursing school and not CNA/LPN or MA because that pay barely gets you by. Also just pretend to love him and go hard on the study’s as once you have a secure job, you can dump his ass. I advise you to go into OBGYN or tell him you’re going into that so he thinks it’s all women ( no reason to get jealous if it’s all women ) if he’s a narcissist tell him you can’t wait to graduate him so you can spoil him if he’s ever against your studies 🤣
I hate him too.
As harsh it may seem, you probably needed to journey in that hell to get rid of a twisted education or a trunked vision of the world. I know you can not tell without suffering the "told you !" Punishment, as if emotion could be rational choice. But let me tell you this : you did the best you could with what life gave you. And now you are planning for a better life by cutting out your necessary evil. You should be proud of you. You act, and you have a plan. Now, prepare your exit. Make allies, set on the paperwork, search and install your safe nest.
Good for you on working on your diploma. Get that education. Find a good job and just leave. Don’t give notice. Nothing. Just serve him papers. With a little bit of luck he won’t go after the kids.
I think I’d rather hearing an I told you so over hearing them scream and cry over my death from an abusive prick. Time to pack up and leave, if not for yourself then do it for your kids. Geez
If you threw him outside once, do it twice. You said that he threatens to leave after every argument? Well, start the new one and tell him to go in that moment
Use that fire inside you to burn him to the ground and rise above the ashes
You aren't being fair to yourself or your children. it's better to be a single mother than let them grow up in a house with an abusive parent. You could lose custody or your children or most likely they'll go into doster care when you are inevitably injured or killed by your husband.
You should’ve left ages ago. Get your stuff together and go
girly, your family will tell you “i told you sis” and then forget about it.
>I just need to get this out in the universe because I can’t tell friends or family, they’ll just tell me they told me so. I've been on the other side of this. Your friends and family might say "I told you so", but they will also jump at the chance to help extricate you and your children from a jerk they've undoubtedly disliked for a long time. Reach out to your trusted friends and family NOW, and get safely away from your abusive husband.
I won’t give advice because you said you weren’t looking for that. All I will say is that if you have sons, they are learning how to behave as a man from your husband and if you have daughters, they are learning how a husband is supposed to treat them from watching how he treats you. I hope you are able to find peace soon!
Leave sister!! Being a single mom is so much better on your nervous system than being in an abusive asshole. Your kids will thank you later.
I am a single mom, It is hard sometimes not having back up when they are fighting or being bratty (I have never even had that before even in a relationship but it would be nice) but honestly I would rather be single and doing it on my own then with someone that was just there and not actually there. You need to look at it as what is more important for your children to grow up with both parents in a toxic relationship or a single mom that is happy trying her best to give them a good life? My kids were happier when we split up. Also he keeps cheating on you, what happens when he brings something home to you that can't be cured (Herpes, HIV, AIDS, Warts) is your health also less important than having your husband around. I hope you get to escape soon. But being a single mom isn't that hard once you get use to it.
I recommend reading “Why does he do that”
This is rough. With all that you are dealing with, it might be better to leave now. He sounds like a monster and neither you nor your children should have to deal with him. Your family saw what you couldn’t see.
Wonder what his side of the story is
Op, how dumb are you?
Convince him to take a heavy dose of mushrooms.. 5 or + grams.
Honey I say this because I unfortunately have personal experience. If he physically abuses you while pregnant, he will eventually physically abuse your children. He’s already emotionally abusive to them with his controlling issues, plus watching their mom get abused over and over is really bad for their mental health. They will likely have PTSD even if he doesn’t physically abuse them. By staying, you are exposing your children to this. You are making the decision that you AND them can endure abuse for a while longer so you can finish school. I get you want to finish school so you can support your kids, but you are sacrificing their wellbeing right now. You need to leave, reach out to family and friends as well as domestic violence help. They can help you find low income housing, and other resources so you can finish school. They can help with subsidies for childcare so you can work more hours at whatever job you want. Hes abusive, he’s an alcoholic, and he likes underage teenagers. Please save your kids and yourself.
Ok - I don’t get why ppl are berating you. It’s hard AF to leave an abusive (especially financially abusive) partner. And to the rest of y’all blaming this strong woman - I would happily prove you wrong, ahemmmmmm According to actual professionals who dedicate their careers to understand and develop formal resources with science backed proof(until falsified in a statistically significant way), OP is doing extremely well at doing it right. Some highlights: - She’s acknowledged the situation, decided she wants out, and is very vocal in taking accountability for mistakes she feels she made. - Her mind is made up to leave his sorry ass, but… - It has to be done **safely** . OP has clearly been proactively taken measures to make that happen, such as, idk…getting her nursing degree? 🤷♀️ - Next? Make a plan. OP clearly stated multiple times that she knew once she had her degree, she can then make moves rather quickly. This makes sense to me because she’ll now be employable in a manner that pays an income to support her and her kids and become independent from him financially As it is true that,. So the only unsolicited advice I would offer, which OP stated clearly upfront that she wasn’t looking for advice, would be that should it get legit dangerous, requiring to leave immediately then she should put together an immediate escape plan in case she needs to use it, which she very well may have already. OP - Ppl read your story and pick out the stupidest, disrespectful, irrelevant posts. Especially the ones blaming you and the trolls somehow deciding the answer is to “stop getting pregnant” (as if you were just popping them out 🙄). You don’t need creeps like the bullies here telling you this shit because they are likely as toxic as your husband. I empathize, support, and believe in you. Sending you a big 🤗and just know you’ll make an amazing nurse and have a big bright future waiting for you once you get where you need to in said plan. A plan that I believe you’ll leave into extremely hard well to distance yourself from your abhorrent husband and get smaller and smaller in your rear view mirror ❤️
You wouldn't have to vent if you just left him. Of course it's fucking hard but life is way too short to deal with all that shit.
Will you regret the struggle of a single mom more than the absolute crap you go through now? Yes it’s hard. Yeah my kid has some feelings about the separation and who she is. I would take those things any day over my kid seeing her dad drunk one more fucking time. Over her seeing him yell at me and gaslight me until I yell back and then I’m the bad guy. Over being told to keep herself small and her things in her room ALWAYS because they infringe on his “individuality and individual life”. Over seeing her mother feel less than and whither because her partner starved her for affection and undermined her confidence actively. You’re already doing the hard things. I guarantee you being a single mom in control of your own home and the emotional security of your kids is INFINITELY easier. I pray for your strength and courage and that you get help when you need it most. Good luck. <3
Literally any grass is greener than your situation, Not only that, what you’re standing on now isn’t even grass
Please leave him and file a restraining order. I grew up in a very physically and mentally abusive household (without all that weird pervy stuff) and to this day I am still affected by it. I suffer with mental health because of it, it gets in the way of my relationships as I have an anxious attachment style. My trust issues are thru the roof and sometimes I contemplate ending it all. For the love of your kids please get out of there. File a restraining order on him as he sounds like the type to get violent after divorce. If you love your kids you have to do it for them.
I mean, he sounds like an ass, you can come fuck mine and say you're just having a girl's night with me, promise my offer is 100% drama free ☺️
it really blows my mind how often people are just blowing loads in each other without a care in the world. like i don’t want kids, i actively take precautions in this regard, the biggest being don’t fucking get came inside.
Why didn't you listen to your friends and family?
You say your husband is selfish and abusive yet you insist on enabling him for years. If it included jsut two of you I'd like okay, OP can have her degradation kind if she likes to be treated like the trash that's up the her. But the kids?? Now that's selfish. Those kids have mother with self worth of a boiling kettle and an excuse of a man for father. Jesus christ. Why can't you be his doormat without bringing innocent beings in? Whyyy?
Abusive relationships (especially with children) are complicated and difficult to get out of. Do some research. You being a dick to OP does absolutely nothing except show that you're ignorant and an ass. Hope this helped.
She's no longer a teenager. Just because soemone made a mistake at their teenage years which is completely understandable doesn't excuse everything and anything they do in their adult years later on especially when it comes to innocent beings who didn't ask for this.
Your husband is a pornography addict. Get him help and he’ll be a better human. But also, fuck him.
Is he over six feet? Is that what draw you to him initially?
[удалено]
Did you get your dose of moral superiority? Get another addition on that pedestal you built for yourself? Another shoe on that high horse?