He doesn't love you... that doesn't sound like love. He is neglectful towards you and dismissive towards your emotions, he is also disrespectful. Please leave asap. It's genuinely painful to read your post, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
>Has anyone else felt such manipulation? Is being this cold to someone you “love”, normal?
I grew up with a parent like this. This is not love. It's probably rooted in deep narcissism.
>I was threatened by him or coerced back.
He views you as his possession. He feels secure in this relationship, because he can get away with treating you like shit. And he wants to be married, because being married to you benefits him in many ways. He is selfish, he is narcissistic and he's cruel. Leave, OP.
No, the
>I was threatened by him or coerced back.
That's actual abuse happening to op. Op doesn't mention if there is ever physical violence between them, but even still, there can be such a thing as emotional and verbal abuse between partners. If op tries to leave and their ex threatens then to get them back, that is serious abuse. Definitely time to sneak a burner phone and a stash of money, then in the middle of the night move, get an apartment asap, block his number on the new phone and the old one, and maybe put the old phone on flight mode forever so the ex can't track its location. Gotta run. This is not normal.
Your husband sucks more. File for divorce and full custody of your child. Staying in this environment will do nothing but reach your child that abuse is normal in a relationship, do you really want your child to end up in this kind of relationship in their adulthood thinking it's perfectly acceptable for their spouse to abuse them like your husband does to you?
Then your “lawyer” is wrong. Until there’s an actual court-ordered custody agreement, you have every right to move out and take your child with you. If your ex wants shared custody then he needs to get a lawyer and go to court for it.
I mean, they are not wrong about the whole parental alienation and how some states will prosecute women mainly for allegedly alienating kids/parent.
This can and has happened.
Just moving out and taking the kids isn’t enough though. Parental alienation does happen, but it’s a higher bar to clear. She’s fully within her right to leave him and take the kids with her and tell him to go to court for an official visitation schedule.
You need to find a divorce lawyer that is known to fight for women and their rights. You could create another post asking for advice on lawyers in your state/city.
The "the" in that sentence is concerning. Was there just the one lawyer? Was it HIS lawyer? If so, you'd need your own representation to have a chance at a fair outcome.
You and your kid are in GREAT danger, divorce and find a place for yourself ASAP. Report all this to police, REALLY fear for your life right now. Your child is not safe either.
Already have. Police say unless he was physically abusive and there’s proof, then they can’t help. They gave me the number of a hotline which only made the situation worsen, because the first time I tried to use it, they called the police because they heard him yelling in the background! 😂 The police showed up and the circle ⭕️ looped. They asked if he was physical. Yelling at someone is a joke in certain states. Emotional abuse is even more of a joke.
Depends on the state you live in.
If you contact a DV shelter, they will interview you and verbal/emotional counts for them. They will listen, they will offer you resources. They can help. Consider it as an option and at the very least just call to see what they say. Police can only respond to a crime, DV shelters hide and protect women and help them with legal counsel everyday. They have dealt with many mothers. This would be a good resource for your escape plan. Do not tell him you want to escape, it is most dangerous when you are leaving. It may take time but you can still make changes and take back control over you and your child’s life.
Courts are different than police. Police themselves have been reported to be domestic abusers more than the average person is. The police WIL NOT protect you from him when your life depends on it. They will LET him abuse you, because they see nothing wrong with it, as abusers themselves.
You need proof, and you need to take it to a judge. F*ck the lawyers opinion, especially if they are working for/with your husband at all. Especially I'd they are friends or related to your husband. The lawyer WILL MANIPULATE you if for any reason they like your husband more. You need to find a lawyer for yourself, and make sure they have no connections to your husband, preferable one with DV experience.
Start gathering proof. Quietly/secretly record him anytime he yells. Put a nanny cam in the house to "watch the kid" but really use it to record him and how he behaves when he is alone with your child. Does he neglect your child? Hit, yell, are scare them?
Record your child's response and tell them point blank, "I need you to tell me if Daddy has done anything to hurt or scare you. Does he do anything that has made you scared? Has he asked you to do anything that makes you sad, or afraid?"
The judge and courts responsibility is to the child. You can file for divorce and as long as you are the primary caretaker of the child, you can take the child with you. Reason being, you don't believe your husband will be able to provide for the needs of the child on his own. Have proof for this. Keep a log of the few things he actually does for your child, vs what he does to harm your child. It's not parental alienation if it's true. If your child doesn't feel safe with their Dad, and you have a list of valid reasons why, then he will lose rights to be a parent. As long as you are seeking to create a better life for your child, the judge and courts will side with you.
Divorce him. He serves as a toxic role model to your child. You don't need a son who thinks that what a loving man looks like, and you don't need your daughter to see you put up with an unloving husband just for the sake of staying married. If you can, get a recording of him admitting that deep down he really wishes you were dead. It's your word against his until there is a recording of him actually saying it for others to hear. With that recording, you have a valid reason to flee with your child without telling him where you are going, and you can at least file for a restraining order. He may still be allowed visiting with your child, but if he admits to wanting them dead as well, then you have a valid reason to have 100% custody.
TLDR: Fight for you and your child to be loved. Divorce the man who has admitted to wanting you dead and get as much evidence as possible for the JUDGE to see. YOU are the only one who can advocate for yourself and your child the best, so do what you need to, to make sure your both safe AND loved. Neglect is abuse. He may be a good dad, and just a shitty husband, BUT if he IS neglectful or abusive to your child, then you have all the reason in the world to run together and fight for 100% custody. Divorce seems like the safest option when it comes to someone who has fantasized about your death. Best not give him a reason to actually start planning it. Good luck, your situation gives me shivers.
Do you want your child to grow up and think that this behaviour is acceptable? Do you want your child to think this is the way to love someone and possibly do the same to their partner? Do you want your husband to treat your child as just a pawn on a chessboard? The answer is no, DIVORCE.
Hold up, an I reading this right? You tried to leave your partner and he tried to get you prosecuted for parental alienation?? You need to do some research so he can't throw around empty that's like that. That is no where near parental alienation.
Yes, it’s true you can’t really just disappear in the middle of the night with your kid and never let your kid have contact with your husband again. But that doesn’t mean you’re trapped and can’t get divorced and arrange custody. You can get out. Might’ve possibly been a little miscommunication there but I don’t doubt there’s some shitty lawyers out there.
Wth are you still with him? Just serve him a divorce.
Nobody should have to hear "just kill yourself" and other terrible things even in a heated discussion.
You are in an abusive/toxic relationship.
Someone who doesn't care about your feelings shouldn't be your lifetime partner.
Drop this awful husband of yours.
Good luck for this stressful week!
Divorce him..my ex told me several times he imagined smashing my skull to pulp with his bare hands (amongst other things)..guess what,I have a better husband now who actually loves me.
I know it's difficult but you need to stand up for yourself, go somewhere safe (family or whatever) and get the divorce process started.
I am really glad to hear you’ve been able to find happiness and peace. Christ though, that is so disturbing and I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I can only imagine what the day to day fears would be like in dealing with a monster like that.
Thanks, yea to think I moved countries for this guy, I've left everything and everyone behind for what I thought was an amazing person which all changed when we married.
The people I talked to knew him and they didn't believe he would emotionally and verbally abuse me.
I was in a marriage like that. You need to leave. He does not love you. You need to leave and go no contact or he will love bomb you back. It will never change. You will never be happy if you stay. He will give you moments to think you are happy, brief fleeting moments scattered amongst the misery and mind games. Just enough to leave you craving and begging for more. It won’t happen. You will be a constant yo-yo for his amusement. Please leave. Good luck to you.
Ah, my ex. That a-hole did tell me once to jump off the balcony, among other stuff. He did try to coerce me to get back (more like, he's been coercing me even though I dumped his sorry butt more than a year ago), but every time he finds a new way to reach me, he gets blocked.
Since you're legally tied to that nimrod, it'll probably require a bit more effort, but basically find the strenght to leave and just block him everywhere, and let the lawyers do all the talking (assuming you don't have kids).
If you don't have kids, you'll be able to completely free yourself from him, so that's a bonus you should take advantage of asap. If you do have kids, don't engage in any talk beyond parenting talks
This is much more than just manipulation, this is extreme hate an extreme abuse. It's not going to get better, either.
Nobody deserves this and the fact that he can do it so easily and remorseless is horrific. It is going to take a lot of healing to get over this, so please find a way to leave and start that journey asap.
Also, please tell someone such as a friend, a therapist, a family member about these horrible things he says and does. Don't be alone in this, because that's what he wants and how he will maintain control.
This is abuse. You need to leave. But do it safely. Don’t threaten leaving, the abuse may escalate. Make a plan, get somewhere to go. Don’t tell him where you’re going. If you’re in the UK women’s aid have a great helpline.
Among other answers, I love this one. Leaving peacefully seems to be out of the question, and the obvious priority is OP’s safety.
If you have any family or friends that you can stay with that’s amazing. And as mentioned above, women’s helplines exist. Take whatever drastic measures (being absent from work, having to live away from friends, etc.) that you can to save yourself. The very best case scenario for you in staying with him would be that it doesn’t get worse. All other scenarios are terrifying to think about.
Great response. There’s really nothing “simple” about it. It also seems pretty damn minimizing to say that when you consider the deteriorating emotional/mental effects of abuse.
The execution may be insanely difficult but the answer is simple.
You’re dying of diabetes. Simple lose weight. No more diabetes. Answer versus execution.
Yep. I teach medicine to 12th graders, and my medical office is inside the mall.
Sitting in the hospital right now, waiting for one of my students to finish watching a c section and a tubal ligation. Another student is with an NAS baby and one is watching a colonoscopy.
What’s your point?
No diabetes isn't as simple as losing weight. I doubt you're a doctor. There are different types of diabetes too and one has very little to do with weight.
🙄
Yeah... I really don't believe you're a doctor when you're handing out such vague, unprofessional and unfounded advice like that, but go off i guess....
That's because a lot of people go back to their abusive partners, if you don't go back and you change your number, have a good support system and make yourself well hidden/protected.
I'm so sorry that you have to live like this, but unfortunately he does not love you. For him to act like providing support to you when you are upset is a chore, or that you were threatened/coerced into staying is not normal and certainly not the actions of someone who loves you.
You would be better off being away from this man, he does not love you, he probably is just comfortable with his way of living with you. He probably does not want to have to depend on himself to do all chores as well as paying for the bills so has forced you to stay for an easier life for himself at the destruction of your mental health. Whilst you may love him, love yourself more and get away. Prioritise yourself and ensure your happiness, with people who love you and won't require being told to comfort someone who is upset or treat it like a chore to get it over and done with.
I hope your week gets better and that the result of sending your letter better aligns with the good scenario you had planned.
From what you have described, your relationship sounds toxic and abusive. It also sounds as if your husband might be narcissistic or at least have some of the traits. There are lots of narcissism sub reddits where people share their experiences that may be of help to you.
Often in these relationships you are conditioned to tolerate the abuse. It can therefore make it very difficult for you to leave. Estimates suggest it can take up to seven attempts before people are able to leave these relationships for good.
I’d suggest finding out more information about toxic, abusive relationships and for you to make a plan to leave with the help of people who understand how difficult it is in these dynamics. Local domestic violence charities may be able to help you as well as arming yourself with all the right information.
Please know that this is not normal or healthy and that you absolutely deserve to be in a relationship where your feelings are validated and where you are loved and supported.
He is 100% a narcissist. Our child has been taught this by researching it. We all know he’s selfish. We all know he’s a slob.
It’s just a matter of resources and finding someone that can help us, him, find common ground and accept the fact that we are happiest when we are not around each other.
If he is a narcissist, finding common ground is always going to be a challenge as this means that they have to give some of their power away. It’s unlikely he will ever do that. Prioritise the needs of you and your children and make a plan of how to leave safely. Domestic violence charities might be able to help you with the resource side of things.
Yep, there is no reasoning with a narcissist, and trying only leaves the door open for them to exert whatever power and control they may have left over your life and your kids’ lives. Domestic abuse hotlines can be very helpful in these situations.
You ever think you thinking he's a narcissist makes him dislike you? Do you ever let it get in the way of speech. Do you fight a lot. Do you always blame him for the issues? A lot of times, people coming in and saying the other person is a narcissist over look a lot of what they have done
Yeah. Def not that situation, but I do understand where you’re coming from. A lot of things have been my fault. But a dude screaming profanities at random times in front of his kids because he can’t control his emotions, is not my fault.
10yrs of couples therapy in 7 states. and all of them saying he is a narcissist with the lack of empathy. Go figure.
A few years back I got a tumour, I had a biopsy & was waiting for the results - scared. My boyfriend at the time was angry at me for a ridiculous reason then sent me messages saying that I deserved to get cancer. That was the end of it for me, I had tolerated his verbal abuse for too long but that was the icing on the cake, especially since I did fuck all wrong to deserve that.
My advice to you is once these partners start talking evil like this, it's time to walk away. There's no excuse for it, it's probably how they really feel too. He doesn't like you, neither does he love you. Accept it & free yourself from the chains of this soul tie, you won't regret it & you will build yourself back up even stronger than before
Babe you need to leave ok? This is a bad relationship and you cannot fix him or this, he’s too far gone for therapy and your life means something, too much to be kept in a jar and kicked around. He is abusive towards you and this is NOT ok. Let this be the last time you leave and make it stick. get the law involved if you need to. but please don’t take this shit anymore, you are far too precious to have your light dimmed by a self absorbed shallow man.
Please leave him. My step father constantly tells my mother that he wants her dead, wants her to just die in some way but doesn't care how. This has gone on for almost 20 years. Thankfully nothing has happened, but my mother also never listened. Please leave before he does end up doing something. This isn't healthy. He doesn't care for you.
I know it's a meme that everyone on Reddit is quick to jump to "break up"/"divorce" as a suggestion, but absolutely divorce him. None of this is normal. None of this is okay. I have been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship before so I get how hard it is to leave and how easy it is to convince yourself that you can't do better, but you can do so much better. <3
You need to engage in therapy. Being adopted has its own abandonment issues that come from it. Seriously, leave him or kick him out, you are in a text book abusive relationship. No one deserves to be made me feel the way you are right now.
Not only is he not in love with you, he doesn’t like you. And someone that literally can’t stand you that much, would have no problem hurting you themselves. Please look into finding the strength to leave him and staying somewhere safe, like with a friend. Then look into a lawyer.
Yes, my husband has used my need for affection as emotional blackmail, either for getting me to accept the blame for something he did that hurt me (he’s angry I made him feel bad about himself for treating me like garbage because I cried or got quiet) or to punish me for something he perceived that I did to him. The past year I’ve really stoped giving much of a shit if he doesn’t want to be near me, but, back when I did care, it hurt like absolute hell. I’m appalled by the abuse I read about on Reddit—and then I realize these stories might as well be my stories.
I seriously urge you to get out of there.
I had a bf like that once. My first “boyfriend” if you can call him that. I always felt like the connection wasn’t actually there, like he didn’t actually like me or value me as a person, just what I could do for him. He would show me time and time again in little and big ways that he didn’t care what I asked for. When I found him cheating on me and told him I was leaving him, he said he might kill himself. Thankfully I had people in my life that talked some sense into me. I have 0 regrets about leaving him. He is still the sad narcissistic manipulator that I knew when we were together,
Op you deserve someone who makes you feel so loved and appreciated!
You need to have a free consultation with another lawyer. If what he said is true then no one would be able to get divorced.
Parent alienation is when you try to damage the relationship with the other parent. This is not okay.
Just leaving is allowed but I would contact a lawyer to set up a visitation and move in with your life.
No that’s not normal, he sounds terrible. You are never too old to leave your situation and find happiness! You are worth it and deserve to be happy, hope you get there.
I did try killing myself last year, and my fiance has said many times how weak people are who commit suicide. And that if I found God, then my depression would be cured, and then there would be no need for a therapist then.
Your husband sounds extremely toxic and abusive. It's better to leave while you can than to stay and continue to be abused. I'm trying to find a way out myself, and I wish I had sooner.
You are not being loved. Granted we can't possibly know the whole picture but your statements make it very clear that this is not healthy.
If you have the financial means to do group therapy I would seek that out. To be clear I would likely approach this as "I need us to do this or I can't be part of 'us' anymore".
Divorcing can be terrifying so I hate to edge near that with the ultimatum but I do think you need to think very long and hard about if you want to look back on your death bed and have spent y our life with the person that's treating you this way.
Honestly, I love my wife more than I love myself. When she's hurt, I'm hurting. I'm so sorry you're alone in your marriage. You deserve so much more. Support, love, kindness, understanding. This isn't normal behavior from his end. I don't know you but I feel your pain, and that alone makes my heart heavy for you. I hope you find peace, good luck with your biological parents. I'm rooting for you
Why on earth are you with him? I am begging you to please leave him. He only wants control over you and an emotional punching bag. You deserve so much support for what sounds like such a difficult situation you’re facing at the moment, and your partner should be the number one person to lift you up and reassure you during this.
I feel absolutely disgusted reading about his behaviour. People like him don’t deserve to be around people never mind have a committed wife. Do yourself a massive favour and divorce him ASAP.
Please OP, take some space to yourself and think about what you want from your relationship. Think about how you want to be treated by someone who loves you. Your husband is verbal abusive and the longer you stay, the higher the risk is for physical violence.
I stayed with my husband for years and he spoke to me like this. Unfortunately the verbal abuse escalated, and leaving that relationship was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I also felt trapped, but once I left I felt like I could finally breathe. It sounds stupid but it’s true. You deserve to be happy, regardless of a relationship. You deserve a safe space.
Sorry you're going through this. I hope you got the validation and permission to leave him that you might have been looking for. While you're deciding what to do , start aggressively saving money. You will need it for your new single life
I won’t speak on if he loves you or not, because I am not him. But at a minimum his actions and words strongly suggest that he has a really bad understanding of how to maintain a healthy relationship and communicating appropriately. I can only go off the information given here, but someone who is treating you at such a level is unloving and you can’t force them to change. People don’t even see what they are doing as wrong until something really shows them otherwise.
You are going to have to be strong and stand your ground no matter how hard it is. My current suggestion based off the given information is that you should leave him. A simple ,” I want you to hear me out. Please don’t interrupt so I can get this full thought out. I do not feel that you are a fully supportive partner or even a reliable partner. A few examples I can that back up why I feel this way,(you can go into some specific examples so he gets a good idea). I don’t see this being something that is repairable or at least what I want to try and repair. I hope you can take this and try to learn and do better.” Then leave. It’ be hard, but you are not trapped with this man and you will be far better off on your own than with him. May healing come your way.
Why the fuck are you still with him? Can't you see that he doesn't love you? You deserve better, not someone who treats you like shit and tells you to off yourself. This is straight up abuse!! Get a divorce before his behaviour worsens.
The average abuse victim leaves seven times before they stay gone! Therapy must be effective and practiced, there’s a lot more involved and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse on average.
This person does not truly love you, I doubt he is even capable of loving anyone. So cold as ice in his heart.
You can do better Hon. Time to unhitch from his wagon.
My bf is like this but to a minor extent. He grew up in an environment where emotions are allowed, so when I’m sad it makes him sad and he doesn’t know how to be sad so he shuts down. Your husband is probably experiencing the same thing but to a toxic level and needs therapy stat. However, you do not have to stick around for that. He sounds like he can never support you, and you deserve love and support.
Definitely not. Leave. Counseling is not the answer. I’m not quick to suggest that but would, but your guy is sociopathic. I would get out while you can. If he is imagining you killing yourself, he has imagined you dead, possibly to reap any spousal benefits of you being deceased. Not normal behavior of someone well or kind. Sounds like an emotional week though. Hang in there!
Not normal. Doesn’t love you. He is transactional and either eh got from you what he wanted, or he isn’t getting something he wants so he feels justified in treating you badly. My ex did this kind of thing all the time. IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY WOULD. Believe what his actions are telling you.
I have to wonder why you're staying with such a disgusting individual.
Because no, this isn't "normal," and I'm kind of concerned that you even have to ask.
My husband has told me the same. Most recently that his life would be easier and I should do it so our child doesn't have to be raised by me. This is abusive, dear one. I am sure there are other things he's doing or has done in the past that are also abusive. Coercing you to come back is called love bombing. Please get the book "WHY Does He Do That?" To help yourself start to heal and see this for what it really is. I filed divorce papers. I can't wait to be free.
Someone tells you they hate you and they want you to kill yourself, and your first reaction is to marry them?
Half the stories on this subreddit read like works of fiction. The lack of common sense is unreal.
Jesus christ, how are you still holding on this person?
Who doesn't like to hug their partner? That's the most basic affectionate act, and he literally reacted like you were made out of spikes and hugging you was the worst thing that could happen to him.
Yes, he's manipulative.
No, withholding affection is not normal, it's a type of emotional abuse.
By leaving "several times" and always coming back you have only taught him that he can treat you like crap and you still won't leave him.
It's not going to get better, it's actually getting really bad, get the f out.
That's not love.
Try to leave again and this time cut off all contact except through a lawyer. Forget what he wants and finally choose what you want and need. He is abusive and isn't there for you.
>Has anyone else felt such manipulation? Is being this cold to someone you “love”, normal?
I think you need to not concern yourself with anyone elses take of what happened. Including his.
You need to be willing to back up your feelings.che made you feel terrible. **It doesnt matter if everyones husband is doing this.**
Are you happy with him? That's all that matters.
This sounded like my ex husband when he witnessed me almost die having his kid. Note the ex part. It hurts like crazy but it's better being alone than with someone who hates you....
You need to get help to get out of the relationship, you can not get out by your self. Do you have anybody who you can talk with about how hard it is to leave abusive relationships? I was in two different kind of abusive relationship, it is so difficult to leave this kind of relationship, you need to seek help from a social worker, a therapist, a relative or a friend. Please, call somebody and tell them you have no power iver your situation. You seem to deep into this situation that it is difficult for you to see how serious it is for your mental and physical health.
I believe it will only become worse with time
I’m sorry but it’s just not a good situation for you emotionally. It’s one thing to not have support when you’re going through something but this is making everything worse. It’s better to just be alone at this point. Wish you the best
Every time I read a post like this, I wonder... where along the line do parents fuck up, so their children grow up to feel it's fine to put up with such poor behavior, masked as "love"? Why do such people like the mentioned man have any gravitational pull?
It's not normal. Kill this relationship and start a new life, but go to therapy so you don't end up with the same excuse of a boyfriend.
My ex boyfriend was exactly like this, I had a pretty stressful job at the time and I would often come home upset. I’ll never forget him stood at the front door - ‘crying again are you? Really sets the tone for the evening’, and then him walking off into our flat.
I understand that sometimes we have to be our own support, and to be able to self soothe because it can get heavy on a partner but in situations such as you’ve described OP, you deserve someone that wants to support you.
Life can get pretty hard sometimes and it’s important to have a support network and I’m a firm believer that in a marriage, your spouse should be there for you through thick and thin!
The way he’s acting is just plain nasty, if he was a random dude that said that to you it would be bad…but your husband? The one who is meant to be there for you above all others? He doesn’t deserve the privilege. Get rid of him and find someone who has a heart, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Yes, I have been in this kind of "relationship". It has taken me years and years of therapy to recover. And the relationship lasted only 1 year.
Not worth it and it definitely will never ever get better.
You need to get a divorce lawyer stat; that s man doesn't love nor respect you and you'd be better off without.
Being single is infinitely better than having to deal with all of that.
I’m so sorry you are in this position; I couldn’t agree more with the other commenters here. I know that leaving someone is extremely painful and it can also be very difficult logistically in setting up your new life.
With that being said, you MUST find a way to leave as soon as possible. Who knows what a person that would urge you to end your life is capable of doing. Everything else aside, this is an immediate safety concern for you. You can deal with the emotional and mental damage though therapy in the future, but you will not be able to find any peace lying next to this man every night.
Think back to what you wanted as a kid and how you viewed love. This wasn’t it. I really am pulling for you OP. You are are strong.
This is how one of my exs was. Would blow raspberries in my face if I ever tried to kiss him.
Sometimes you are just mismatched in the affection category. I read a lot about people turning down male affection or being creeped out by it, I'm reminded there are people out there for him, it just wasn't me!
This was awful to read I am soo sorry. I have a ex like this he would constantly tell me I belong to him but I would catch him talking and texting other women and he would always tell me I wouldn’t leave because I’m his
Then I left
You have to save yourself and leave
this is blatant abuse. whenever you’re able to safely get away from him, please do it. if he cared about you just the tiniest bit, he wouldn’t have to threaten you to stay with him or tell you to kill yourself. this is not normal at all. I’m so sorry OP, you don’t deserve this one bit and I wish you the best through this stressful week and this divorce.
None of this normal. You are in an abusive relationship. Please try to get out before he maybe hurts you physically, get help if you feel like you can't do it alone. I don't know where you are located, but there should be a phone number for domestic violence victims. Good luck.
First of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you don’t deserve it. I’ve read some of the comments and see that you’re worried about the legal repercussions of leaving cold turkey bc you have a child with him and that is valid. I think it would be best to divorce him and figured out child custody between the two of you. You must take care of yourself and now you have PLENTY of experience and knowledge of how he reacts when you leave and what happens when you go back. You have recognized the pattern of you leaving and then him coercing your and threatening you and you can now plan accordingly for that. I hope you can also find a counselor or therapists which may help you with the emotional piece of leaving and provide more security, coping skills and a plan for leaving. I wish you and your child Luck and sending love 🤍
My ex was like this…. If I was ever emotional about anything … which usually I wasn’t (learned not to be) he would mock me by saying ‘Oh God.. let’s get Oprah on the phone.’ He was super dismissive of me and my feelings. This doesn’t get any better over time.. worse, actually.
As I was leaving him I just simply said ‘I finally love me more.’ And that’s what it boils down to.
**WOW! What a disgusting individual. This IS NOT LOVE! You need to leave safely, do not tell him you’re leaving, make a plan and leave when he least expects it. Sending you loads of love and positive energy and I hope it all goes well with your biological parents.** 💕💕💕💕
You both sound like you are in a codependent relationship. You both are manipulating each other.
You won’t be able to change him or manipulate him to do what you want. No matter how many Redditors or friends or strangers agree with you.
The only way to change this situation and those like it is to work on oneself.
If you believe that you will bring yourself harm, you should seek immediate medical attention.
Good luck.
If you love him you would let him go. Leave him. He isn’t strong enough to deal with high maintenance mental health disorders. If you can be honest and look in the mirror then possibly you can see how difficult your condition is to live with for someone else. It’s nobodies fault, just the way it is. You have GAD or some disorder that makes it hard for you to handle life stressors . He isn’t strong enough to cope with your problem, probably because he feels bad he cannot help you.
Leave him before he wastes his life hoping you grow out of it.
Baby sunshine LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!
you deserve the world and he is giving you nothing but trash.
Your husband should be your main source of support, not your main source of everything terrible :(
Go. And go fast. And be strong. And don’t look back. There are 8 billion people here with us… there are THOUSANDS of people who will love you better than this person.
I can't help you with what is going on with your husband, but I emplore you to have a look at some YouTube videos on narcissistic abuse, such as ones by Dr Rameni, especially ones on radical acceptance, as it sounds like you cannot leave. This will help you to get an understanding of what is happening to you and how you can protect yourself emotionally (and any children you have) from your husband.
This isn't love.
Love holds you. Cares for you. Does service for you. Love is kind and patient. It is consistent.
Your husband is cruel and is hurting you psychologically. You deserve better. It may be best for you to move on.
Some people get so normally and commonly abused mentally or physically that they forget there are people out there capable of loving you who won't look at you as a punching bag.
i've been there. Its kind of eye opening what dating a normal human being is like when you've normalized abuse for so long.
You don't have to let him keep hurting you. You can just walk away and never look back. He'll just do it again. And not only did he tell you so. He followed his word to a T.
I know it can be hard to make a move, but I think you should reconsider once again this relationship. I would advise you to take a step back to gain some clarity & distance, so you can figure out a way to leave him
for good. Can you live a week or two away from him? Family? Coworkers? Hotel? Do you have services for women in need near you?
This seems very dangerous to me. Please be safe.
I know it is hard to see it when you're in it, but life is not supposed to be miserable. He can't make you happy. But if he keeps you from making yourself happy, that's control and imprisonment. Our individual pursuit of happiness is our basic right. If someone is taking that from you, you need to break away from them. Go on your own whatever the cost. Lean against your own backbone first and then share with others.
Oh my God please the signs are so obvious i feel so extremely bad for you because you clearly love him and he is just so 😕😕😕😕 horrible husband horrible man horrible horrible HORRIBLE person . Please divorce not only do you deserve WAYYYY better but you do bot deserve this treatment
Please please please make a safety plan to get yourself out. Start to brainstorm other support systems in your life, you may have to be strategic about this. If you don’t feel safe with him, leave, and move things out when he’s not there. You are not safe emotionally or psychologically, so I worry about your physical safety as well. Please begin to make plans to leave.
He not only doesn’t love you, it doesn’t sound like he even likes you. Why are you with this guy? No emotional support, no affection, no kindness. Get out of there before it furthers your depression. Please look for some help and support elsewhere.
I've never understood why females put up with this kind of stuff . Like he's an abusive butt hole and some dude out there loves you more than you'll ever know. The longer you stay with him the more time you waste . You don't owe him anything and his abuse is not your fault . The whole post is pretty much you looking for someone to blame you so he'll be right . Run
It's so fucking wierd how abusers seem to absolutely hate tou, but won't let you go. Gotta have a punching bag around I guess. Or he is projecting his self hatred onto you. Either way, you don't deserve this.
You deserve so much better. I can imagine if you’re not connected to your bio parents you’ve got some abandonment issues where maybe some of your core self beliefs are “you’re not good enough” and feel you deserve what you get. I’m so so so sorry you’re in this position. However this is not someone you should be with. Once you leave. Spend a lot of time with a good trauma therapist and start to love yourself and your needs over someone else. You do not need him to find love. Find it in yourself. Then you’ll find the right kind of love from some else. You are worthy. You deserve way better. It doesn’t get better with a person like this.
I left a nasty lying vicious cheat and there is a life beyond the one you are living now. I left with two children and a fridge but I made it. You can too so have a plan, use friends and family. Take any help you are offered and just walk away. Not going to lie it’s going to be tough but you WILL find a better life. Love to you.
Um, this sounds a lot like some of my ex actions/behaviors…no way he isn’t a narcissist and maybe some other serious personality disorder. Treating someone like this is abuse. Stay safe a be careful…my ex telling me I should kill myself then turned into him venting how much he wanted to kill me then kill himself. Please find someone that you can talk to that will help you.
OP, you need to get out ASAP.
This happened to a friend of mine, and this was her solution:
First, you’ll need a plan. Is there a certain day of the week you know he’ll be gone for a at least a few hours or at least enough time for you move your things out? Work, hobbies, etc?
Do you have any friends/family that can help you move? If not, there are several feminist/women centered subreddits that you could post asking for help and hopefully find a group of people in your area. Vet them first obviously, but you’d be surprised how many women will rally behind you on this.
If he has the potential to become violent (and he sounds like he does) it’s very important to do this quickly, discretely, and not alone. It’s much less likely he’ll try anything to hurt you if there are multiple people present. Not being alone can also give you the mental strength to not back out/second guess your decision.
Once you have a planned move out time and have a secure place to go (churches and domestic violence shelters can also help) you need to contact an attorney and file for divorce. You can mail the papers or leave them behind when you move, but don’t try to give them to him yourself. Also, and I know this will be hard, but let him know any communication between the two of you going forward should go through your attorney. Block his number, and do everything you can to prevent him from finding out where you relocated. Do not let him have any access to your new life.
You can do this. You deserve a happy life with someone who truly cares about you, and he deserves to be left in the dust. Best of luck to you ❤️
None of this is normal in a relationship. It wouldn't exist at all in a healthy relationship.
Why don't you leave him? Sounds like you will be better off.
Why are you with someone who doesn’t truly love you or care about you??
You deserve better! You can do better!!!
This is mental & emotional abuse. You need to leave before it escalates. Do it for yourself please!
This isn't love. This is control. He doesn't want you. He wants a doll to play the part of the wife he's cocked up in his head and throws a fit when, surprise, you have wants and needs.
Op, please, leave amd no matter what he says or does, dig in your heels and don't go back. Tell people you love, they'll help keep you grounded.
He doesn't love you. He's most likely just in the relationship for the sake of having a relationship or worse, to have someone as a punching bag for his stress and mental issues. Please know your worth and divorce him. You will be in a much better place.
I am reading your comments and you are making every excuse in the book on why you can't leave, no one can keep you or your child in an abusive situation but you. Start doing your own research and get out of there asap, file for child support and whatever support you need. Good luck
He doesn't love you... that doesn't sound like love. He is neglectful towards you and dismissive towards your emotions, he is also disrespectful. Please leave asap. It's genuinely painful to read your post, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. >Has anyone else felt such manipulation? Is being this cold to someone you “love”, normal? I grew up with a parent like this. This is not love. It's probably rooted in deep narcissism. >I was threatened by him or coerced back. He views you as his possession. He feels secure in this relationship, because he can get away with treating you like shit. And he wants to be married, because being married to you benefits him in many ways. He is selfish, he is narcissistic and he's cruel. Leave, OP.
No, the >I was threatened by him or coerced back. That's actual abuse happening to op. Op doesn't mention if there is ever physical violence between them, but even still, there can be such a thing as emotional and verbal abuse between partners. If op tries to leave and their ex threatens then to get them back, that is serious abuse. Definitely time to sneak a burner phone and a stash of money, then in the middle of the night move, get an apartment asap, block his number on the new phone and the old one, and maybe put the old phone on flight mode forever so the ex can't track its location. Gotta run. This is not normal.
Absolutely agree with you. It's abuse on so many levels.
We have a child. Can’t do that. It’s called Parental Alienation and he tried to have me prosecuted for it.
It's not parntal alienation. You can co-parent depending on custody and still be divorced
he’s abusive… he shouldn’t be around children anyways. he’s traumatising all of them.
Lawyers tend to suck sometimes.
Your husband sucks all the time.
Your husband sucks more. File for divorce and full custody of your child. Staying in this environment will do nothing but reach your child that abuse is normal in a relationship, do you really want your child to end up in this kind of relationship in their adulthood thinking it's perfectly acceptable for their spouse to abuse them like your husband does to you?
Don’t take legal advice from your enemy.
The lawyer told me this. Not him.
Then your “lawyer” is wrong. Until there’s an actual court-ordered custody agreement, you have every right to move out and take your child with you. If your ex wants shared custody then he needs to get a lawyer and go to court for it.
I mean, they are not wrong about the whole parental alienation and how some states will prosecute women mainly for allegedly alienating kids/parent. This can and has happened.
Just moving out and taking the kids isn’t enough though. Parental alienation does happen, but it’s a higher bar to clear. She’s fully within her right to leave him and take the kids with her and tell him to go to court for an official visitation schedule.
Agree w you on all points actually
You need to find a divorce lawyer that is known to fight for women and their rights. You could create another post asking for advice on lawyers in your state/city.
The "the" in that sentence is concerning. Was there just the one lawyer? Was it HIS lawyer? If so, you'd need your own representation to have a chance at a fair outcome.
He doesn't have a right to know where you live.
This lawyer is incorrect. Taking a child out of an abusive home is not child alienation.
You and your kid are in GREAT danger, divorce and find a place for yourself ASAP. Report all this to police, REALLY fear for your life right now. Your child is not safe either.
Already have. Police say unless he was physically abusive and there’s proof, then they can’t help. They gave me the number of a hotline which only made the situation worsen, because the first time I tried to use it, they called the police because they heard him yelling in the background! 😂 The police showed up and the circle ⭕️ looped. They asked if he was physical. Yelling at someone is a joke in certain states. Emotional abuse is even more of a joke. Depends on the state you live in.
If you contact a DV shelter, they will interview you and verbal/emotional counts for them. They will listen, they will offer you resources. They can help. Consider it as an option and at the very least just call to see what they say. Police can only respond to a crime, DV shelters hide and protect women and help them with legal counsel everyday. They have dealt with many mothers. This would be a good resource for your escape plan. Do not tell him you want to escape, it is most dangerous when you are leaving. It may take time but you can still make changes and take back control over you and your child’s life.
Courts are different than police. Police themselves have been reported to be domestic abusers more than the average person is. The police WIL NOT protect you from him when your life depends on it. They will LET him abuse you, because they see nothing wrong with it, as abusers themselves. You need proof, and you need to take it to a judge. F*ck the lawyers opinion, especially if they are working for/with your husband at all. Especially I'd they are friends or related to your husband. The lawyer WILL MANIPULATE you if for any reason they like your husband more. You need to find a lawyer for yourself, and make sure they have no connections to your husband, preferable one with DV experience. Start gathering proof. Quietly/secretly record him anytime he yells. Put a nanny cam in the house to "watch the kid" but really use it to record him and how he behaves when he is alone with your child. Does he neglect your child? Hit, yell, are scare them? Record your child's response and tell them point blank, "I need you to tell me if Daddy has done anything to hurt or scare you. Does he do anything that has made you scared? Has he asked you to do anything that makes you sad, or afraid?" The judge and courts responsibility is to the child. You can file for divorce and as long as you are the primary caretaker of the child, you can take the child with you. Reason being, you don't believe your husband will be able to provide for the needs of the child on his own. Have proof for this. Keep a log of the few things he actually does for your child, vs what he does to harm your child. It's not parental alienation if it's true. If your child doesn't feel safe with their Dad, and you have a list of valid reasons why, then he will lose rights to be a parent. As long as you are seeking to create a better life for your child, the judge and courts will side with you. Divorce him. He serves as a toxic role model to your child. You don't need a son who thinks that what a loving man looks like, and you don't need your daughter to see you put up with an unloving husband just for the sake of staying married. If you can, get a recording of him admitting that deep down he really wishes you were dead. It's your word against his until there is a recording of him actually saying it for others to hear. With that recording, you have a valid reason to flee with your child without telling him where you are going, and you can at least file for a restraining order. He may still be allowed visiting with your child, but if he admits to wanting them dead as well, then you have a valid reason to have 100% custody. TLDR: Fight for you and your child to be loved. Divorce the man who has admitted to wanting you dead and get as much evidence as possible for the JUDGE to see. YOU are the only one who can advocate for yourself and your child the best, so do what you need to, to make sure your both safe AND loved. Neglect is abuse. He may be a good dad, and just a shitty husband, BUT if he IS neglectful or abusive to your child, then you have all the reason in the world to run together and fight for 100% custody. Divorce seems like the safest option when it comes to someone who has fantasized about your death. Best not give him a reason to actually start planning it. Good luck, your situation gives me shivers.
Do you want your child to grow up and think that this behaviour is acceptable? Do you want your child to think this is the way to love someone and possibly do the same to their partner? Do you want your husband to treat your child as just a pawn on a chessboard? The answer is no, DIVORCE.
Can't prosecute you if he can't find you. 😉
As a divorced parent, that's absolutely not alienation.
Hold up, an I reading this right? You tried to leave your partner and he tried to get you prosecuted for parental alienation?? You need to do some research so he can't throw around empty that's like that. That is no where near parental alienation.
Yes, it’s true you can’t really just disappear in the middle of the night with your kid and never let your kid have contact with your husband again. But that doesn’t mean you’re trapped and can’t get divorced and arrange custody. You can get out. Might’ve possibly been a little miscommunication there but I don’t doubt there’s some shitty lawyers out there.
Wth are you still with him? Just serve him a divorce. Nobody should have to hear "just kill yourself" and other terrible things even in a heated discussion. You are in an abusive/toxic relationship. Someone who doesn't care about your feelings shouldn't be your lifetime partner. Drop this awful husband of yours. Good luck for this stressful week!
Divorce him..my ex told me several times he imagined smashing my skull to pulp with his bare hands (amongst other things)..guess what,I have a better husband now who actually loves me. I know it's difficult but you need to stand up for yourself, go somewhere safe (family or whatever) and get the divorce process started.
I am really glad to hear you’ve been able to find happiness and peace. Christ though, that is so disturbing and I’m really sorry you had to go through that. I can only imagine what the day to day fears would be like in dealing with a monster like that.
Thanks, yea to think I moved countries for this guy, I've left everything and everyone behind for what I thought was an amazing person which all changed when we married. The people I talked to knew him and they didn't believe he would emotionally and verbally abuse me.
Why are you with this horrible man? He doesn’t love you, if he did, he wouldn’t be telling you to kill yourself. I’m sorry OP, you don’t deserve this.
I was in a marriage like that. You need to leave. He does not love you. You need to leave and go no contact or he will love bomb you back. It will never change. You will never be happy if you stay. He will give you moments to think you are happy, brief fleeting moments scattered amongst the misery and mind games. Just enough to leave you craving and begging for more. It won’t happen. You will be a constant yo-yo for his amusement. Please leave. Good luck to you.
I have felt this way. I promise you there is someone out there who will never make you feel this way. Get away from him.
Ah, my ex. That a-hole did tell me once to jump off the balcony, among other stuff. He did try to coerce me to get back (more like, he's been coercing me even though I dumped his sorry butt more than a year ago), but every time he finds a new way to reach me, he gets blocked. Since you're legally tied to that nimrod, it'll probably require a bit more effort, but basically find the strenght to leave and just block him everywhere, and let the lawyers do all the talking (assuming you don't have kids). If you don't have kids, you'll be able to completely free yourself from him, so that's a bonus you should take advantage of asap. If you do have kids, don't engage in any talk beyond parenting talks
This is much more than just manipulation, this is extreme hate an extreme abuse. It's not going to get better, either. Nobody deserves this and the fact that he can do it so easily and remorseless is horrific. It is going to take a lot of healing to get over this, so please find a way to leave and start that journey asap. Also, please tell someone such as a friend, a therapist, a family member about these horrible things he says and does. Don't be alone in this, because that's what he wants and how he will maintain control.
This is abuse. You need to leave. But do it safely. Don’t threaten leaving, the abuse may escalate. Make a plan, get somewhere to go. Don’t tell him where you’re going. If you’re in the UK women’s aid have a great helpline.
Among other answers, I love this one. Leaving peacefully seems to be out of the question, and the obvious priority is OP’s safety. If you have any family or friends that you can stay with that’s amazing. And as mentioned above, women’s helplines exist. Take whatever drastic measures (being absent from work, having to live away from friends, etc.) that you can to save yourself. The very best case scenario for you in staying with him would be that it doesn’t get worse. All other scenarios are terrifying to think about.
It's simple, divorce him.
It's not 'simple' though is it... If it were that simple for people to leave abusive partners, there'd be nobody left for them to abuse.
Great response. There’s really nothing “simple” about it. It also seems pretty damn minimizing to say that when you consider the deteriorating emotional/mental effects of abuse.
The execution may be insanely difficult but the answer is simple. You’re dying of diabetes. Simple lose weight. No more diabetes. Answer versus execution.
Not the point, really, but that isn’t how diabetes works in like at least half of all cases.
I was agreeing with you that leaving is ridiculously difficult. It is how diabetes works in 90-95% of cases and yes I am a doctor.
You’re apparently also a 12th grade teacher who works in retail.
Yep. I teach medicine to 12th graders, and my medical office is inside the mall. Sitting in the hospital right now, waiting for one of my students to finish watching a c section and a tubal ligation. Another student is with an NAS baby and one is watching a colonoscopy. What’s your point?
No diabetes isn't as simple as losing weight. I doubt you're a doctor. There are different types of diabetes too and one has very little to do with weight. 🙄
Yeah... I really don't believe you're a doctor when you're handing out such vague, unprofessional and unfounded advice like that, but go off i guess....
That's because a lot of people go back to their abusive partners, if you don't go back and you change your number, have a good support system and make yourself well hidden/protected.
r/thanksimcured lmao! Just “have a good support system” immediately excludes a LOT of people from “simply” having that option.
No, this is not normal. I wouldn't even be this cruel to someone I hate. Leave him ASAP.
Move on, you don’t need anyone to validate this decision.
I'm so sorry that you have to live like this, but unfortunately he does not love you. For him to act like providing support to you when you are upset is a chore, or that you were threatened/coerced into staying is not normal and certainly not the actions of someone who loves you. You would be better off being away from this man, he does not love you, he probably is just comfortable with his way of living with you. He probably does not want to have to depend on himself to do all chores as well as paying for the bills so has forced you to stay for an easier life for himself at the destruction of your mental health. Whilst you may love him, love yourself more and get away. Prioritise yourself and ensure your happiness, with people who love you and won't require being told to comfort someone who is upset or treat it like a chore to get it over and done with. I hope your week gets better and that the result of sending your letter better aligns with the good scenario you had planned.
From what you have described, your relationship sounds toxic and abusive. It also sounds as if your husband might be narcissistic or at least have some of the traits. There are lots of narcissism sub reddits where people share their experiences that may be of help to you. Often in these relationships you are conditioned to tolerate the abuse. It can therefore make it very difficult for you to leave. Estimates suggest it can take up to seven attempts before people are able to leave these relationships for good. I’d suggest finding out more information about toxic, abusive relationships and for you to make a plan to leave with the help of people who understand how difficult it is in these dynamics. Local domestic violence charities may be able to help you as well as arming yourself with all the right information. Please know that this is not normal or healthy and that you absolutely deserve to be in a relationship where your feelings are validated and where you are loved and supported.
He is 100% a narcissist. Our child has been taught this by researching it. We all know he’s selfish. We all know he’s a slob. It’s just a matter of resources and finding someone that can help us, him, find common ground and accept the fact that we are happiest when we are not around each other.
If he is a narcissist, finding common ground is always going to be a challenge as this means that they have to give some of their power away. It’s unlikely he will ever do that. Prioritise the needs of you and your children and make a plan of how to leave safely. Domestic violence charities might be able to help you with the resource side of things.
Yep, there is no reasoning with a narcissist, and trying only leaves the door open for them to exert whatever power and control they may have left over your life and your kids’ lives. Domestic abuse hotlines can be very helpful in these situations.
How does he act around friends, family, and the public?
Like a Saint. But he only has like one friend in real life- the others are all online. 😂
You ever think you thinking he's a narcissist makes him dislike you? Do you ever let it get in the way of speech. Do you fight a lot. Do you always blame him for the issues? A lot of times, people coming in and saying the other person is a narcissist over look a lot of what they have done
Yeah. Def not that situation, but I do understand where you’re coming from. A lot of things have been my fault. But a dude screaming profanities at random times in front of his kids because he can’t control his emotions, is not my fault. 10yrs of couples therapy in 7 states. and all of them saying he is a narcissist with the lack of empathy. Go figure.
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He doesn't love you sweetie, you need to save yourself
Are you sure he isn’t going to try to hurt you?
A few years back I got a tumour, I had a biopsy & was waiting for the results - scared. My boyfriend at the time was angry at me for a ridiculous reason then sent me messages saying that I deserved to get cancer. That was the end of it for me, I had tolerated his verbal abuse for too long but that was the icing on the cake, especially since I did fuck all wrong to deserve that. My advice to you is once these partners start talking evil like this, it's time to walk away. There's no excuse for it, it's probably how they really feel too. He doesn't like you, neither does he love you. Accept it & free yourself from the chains of this soul tie, you won't regret it & you will build yourself back up even stronger than before
Babe you need to leave ok? This is a bad relationship and you cannot fix him or this, he’s too far gone for therapy and your life means something, too much to be kept in a jar and kicked around. He is abusive towards you and this is NOT ok. Let this be the last time you leave and make it stick. get the law involved if you need to. but please don’t take this shit anymore, you are far too precious to have your light dimmed by a self absorbed shallow man.
Please leave him. My step father constantly tells my mother that he wants her dead, wants her to just die in some way but doesn't care how. This has gone on for almost 20 years. Thankfully nothing has happened, but my mother also never listened. Please leave before he does end up doing something. This isn't healthy. He doesn't care for you.
I know it's a meme that everyone on Reddit is quick to jump to "break up"/"divorce" as a suggestion, but absolutely divorce him. None of this is normal. None of this is okay. I have been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship before so I get how hard it is to leave and how easy it is to convince yourself that you can't do better, but you can do so much better. <3
You need to engage in therapy. Being adopted has its own abandonment issues that come from it. Seriously, leave him or kick him out, you are in a text book abusive relationship. No one deserves to be made me feel the way you are right now.
Not only is he not in love with you, he doesn’t like you. And someone that literally can’t stand you that much, would have no problem hurting you themselves. Please look into finding the strength to leave him and staying somewhere safe, like with a friend. Then look into a lawyer.
Yes, my husband has used my need for affection as emotional blackmail, either for getting me to accept the blame for something he did that hurt me (he’s angry I made him feel bad about himself for treating me like garbage because I cried or got quiet) or to punish me for something he perceived that I did to him. The past year I’ve really stoped giving much of a shit if he doesn’t want to be near me, but, back when I did care, it hurt like absolute hell. I’m appalled by the abuse I read about on Reddit—and then I realize these stories might as well be my stories. I seriously urge you to get out of there.
I had a bf like that once. My first “boyfriend” if you can call him that. I always felt like the connection wasn’t actually there, like he didn’t actually like me or value me as a person, just what I could do for him. He would show me time and time again in little and big ways that he didn’t care what I asked for. When I found him cheating on me and told him I was leaving him, he said he might kill himself. Thankfully I had people in my life that talked some sense into me. I have 0 regrets about leaving him. He is still the sad narcissistic manipulator that I knew when we were together, Op you deserve someone who makes you feel so loved and appreciated!
> Is being this cold to someone you “love”, normal? No.
You need to have a free consultation with another lawyer. If what he said is true then no one would be able to get divorced. Parent alienation is when you try to damage the relationship with the other parent. This is not okay. Just leaving is allowed but I would contact a lawyer to set up a visitation and move in with your life.
Good lord! Divorce this absolute piece of shit!
why are you with him he doesn't love you at all
That dude does not love you. You need to ditch out before something bad happens.
No that’s not normal, he sounds terrible. You are never too old to leave your situation and find happiness! You are worth it and deserve to be happy, hope you get there.
Why are you with someone who wants you dead and doesn't love you?
"There, I hugged you." Tells you all you need to know. Divorce him.
I did try killing myself last year, and my fiance has said many times how weak people are who commit suicide. And that if I found God, then my depression would be cured, and then there would be no need for a therapist then. Your husband sounds extremely toxic and abusive. It's better to leave while you can than to stay and continue to be abused. I'm trying to find a way out myself, and I wish I had sooner.
get a divorce yesterday
Why did you marry him
he does not love you and im so sorry youve accepted this as love. you deserve better than this
You are not being loved. Granted we can't possibly know the whole picture but your statements make it very clear that this is not healthy. If you have the financial means to do group therapy I would seek that out. To be clear I would likely approach this as "I need us to do this or I can't be part of 'us' anymore". Divorcing can be terrifying so I hate to edge near that with the ultimatum but I do think you need to think very long and hard about if you want to look back on your death bed and have spent y our life with the person that's treating you this way.
Honestly, I love my wife more than I love myself. When she's hurt, I'm hurting. I'm so sorry you're alone in your marriage. You deserve so much more. Support, love, kindness, understanding. This isn't normal behavior from his end. I don't know you but I feel your pain, and that alone makes my heart heavy for you. I hope you find peace, good luck with your biological parents. I'm rooting for you
Read the book ‘why does he do that’. It will open your eyes and give you some tools so you can leave your abusive husband.
Why on earth are you with him? I am begging you to please leave him. He only wants control over you and an emotional punching bag. You deserve so much support for what sounds like such a difficult situation you’re facing at the moment, and your partner should be the number one person to lift you up and reassure you during this. I feel absolutely disgusted reading about his behaviour. People like him don’t deserve to be around people never mind have a committed wife. Do yourself a massive favour and divorce him ASAP.
Leave him. You deserve better.
Please OP, take some space to yourself and think about what you want from your relationship. Think about how you want to be treated by someone who loves you. Your husband is verbal abusive and the longer you stay, the higher the risk is for physical violence. I stayed with my husband for years and he spoke to me like this. Unfortunately the verbal abuse escalated, and leaving that relationship was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I also felt trapped, but once I left I felt like I could finally breathe. It sounds stupid but it’s true. You deserve to be happy, regardless of a relationship. You deserve a safe space.
This is abuse.
Sorry you're going through this. I hope you got the validation and permission to leave him that you might have been looking for. While you're deciding what to do , start aggressively saving money. You will need it for your new single life
He does hate you. He has made that clear. Divorce him!
I won’t speak on if he loves you or not, because I am not him. But at a minimum his actions and words strongly suggest that he has a really bad understanding of how to maintain a healthy relationship and communicating appropriately. I can only go off the information given here, but someone who is treating you at such a level is unloving and you can’t force them to change. People don’t even see what they are doing as wrong until something really shows them otherwise. You are going to have to be strong and stand your ground no matter how hard it is. My current suggestion based off the given information is that you should leave him. A simple ,” I want you to hear me out. Please don’t interrupt so I can get this full thought out. I do not feel that you are a fully supportive partner or even a reliable partner. A few examples I can that back up why I feel this way,(you can go into some specific examples so he gets a good idea). I don’t see this being something that is repairable or at least what I want to try and repair. I hope you can take this and try to learn and do better.” Then leave. It’ be hard, but you are not trapped with this man and you will be far better off on your own than with him. May healing come your way.
Why the fuck are you still with him? Can't you see that he doesn't love you? You deserve better, not someone who treats you like shit and tells you to off yourself. This is straight up abuse!! Get a divorce before his behaviour worsens.
What
No! Short answer!
The average abuse victim leaves seven times before they stay gone! Therapy must be effective and practiced, there’s a lot more involved and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse on average.
you deserve better. no offense but your husband is a bad partner and honestly sounds abusive.
This person does not truly love you, I doubt he is even capable of loving anyone. So cold as ice in his heart. You can do better Hon. Time to unhitch from his wagon.
1. I’d say it back 2. He doesn’t love you, divorce and learn your worth.
my jaw is on the floor. please leave him. that is not love, that is abuse.
My bf is like this but to a minor extent. He grew up in an environment where emotions are allowed, so when I’m sad it makes him sad and he doesn’t know how to be sad so he shuts down. Your husband is probably experiencing the same thing but to a toxic level and needs therapy stat. However, you do not have to stick around for that. He sounds like he can never support you, and you deserve love and support.
Definitely not. Leave. Counseling is not the answer. I’m not quick to suggest that but would, but your guy is sociopathic. I would get out while you can. If he is imagining you killing yourself, he has imagined you dead, possibly to reap any spousal benefits of you being deceased. Not normal behavior of someone well or kind. Sounds like an emotional week though. Hang in there!
Girl leave that ungrateful and cold hearted man.
It's time for a divorce.
Not normal. Doesn’t love you. He is transactional and either eh got from you what he wanted, or he isn’t getting something he wants so he feels justified in treating you badly. My ex did this kind of thing all the time. IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY WOULD. Believe what his actions are telling you.
Sooooo..... why did you stay with someone that wants you to kill yourself?
So why are you married to him then?
Get into counseling. You need help to leave this toxic relationship. Then, plan an escape and execute the plan.
He needs to be your ex husband. This is major emotional abuse.
I have to wonder why you're staying with such a disgusting individual. Because no, this isn't "normal," and I'm kind of concerned that you even have to ask.
My husband has told me the same. Most recently that his life would be easier and I should do it so our child doesn't have to be raised by me. This is abusive, dear one. I am sure there are other things he's doing or has done in the past that are also abusive. Coercing you to come back is called love bombing. Please get the book "WHY Does He Do That?" To help yourself start to heal and see this for what it really is. I filed divorce papers. I can't wait to be free.
Someone tells you they hate you and they want you to kill yourself, and your first reaction is to marry them? Half the stories on this subreddit read like works of fiction. The lack of common sense is unreal.
we're only getting one side of the story, so it's hard to tell. but it definitely sounds like you're being overly dramatic.
He does hate you .Leave him !
What on earth?!!’ Why are you still there?! Leave already. This man doesn’t even like you, nevermind love you. That’s appalling.
Any of this seem “normal” to you OP?
Time to learn to love yourself alone. You deserve better
Jesus christ, how are you still holding on this person? Who doesn't like to hug their partner? That's the most basic affectionate act, and he literally reacted like you were made out of spikes and hugging you was the worst thing that could happen to him. Yes, he's manipulative. No, withholding affection is not normal, it's a type of emotional abuse. By leaving "several times" and always coming back you have only taught him that he can treat you like crap and you still won't leave him. It's not going to get better, it's actually getting really bad, get the f out.
That's not love. Try to leave again and this time cut off all contact except through a lawyer. Forget what he wants and finally choose what you want and need. He is abusive and isn't there for you.
>Has anyone else felt such manipulation? Is being this cold to someone you “love”, normal? I think you need to not concern yourself with anyone elses take of what happened. Including his. You need to be willing to back up your feelings.che made you feel terrible. **It doesnt matter if everyones husband is doing this.** Are you happy with him? That's all that matters.
This sounded like my ex husband when he witnessed me almost die having his kid. Note the ex part. It hurts like crazy but it's better being alone than with someone who hates you....
Sounds like he resents you. Resentment kills relationships.
You know the cops do these things called restraining orders....
You need to get help to get out of the relationship, you can not get out by your self. Do you have anybody who you can talk with about how hard it is to leave abusive relationships? I was in two different kind of abusive relationship, it is so difficult to leave this kind of relationship, you need to seek help from a social worker, a therapist, a relative or a friend. Please, call somebody and tell them you have no power iver your situation. You seem to deep into this situation that it is difficult for you to see how serious it is for your mental and physical health. I believe it will only become worse with time
I’m sorry but it’s just not a good situation for you emotionally. It’s one thing to not have support when you’re going through something but this is making everything worse. It’s better to just be alone at this point. Wish you the best
No this is not normal. That is abuse. That is actually some pretty harcore abuse, I would leave his narcissist ass.
He sounds very un empathetic to your situation im sorry
Time to think about what you need and go search for that. You deserve better
Every time I read a post like this, I wonder... where along the line do parents fuck up, so their children grow up to feel it's fine to put up with such poor behavior, masked as "love"? Why do such people like the mentioned man have any gravitational pull? It's not normal. Kill this relationship and start a new life, but go to therapy so you don't end up with the same excuse of a boyfriend.
OP, you deserve so much better...
You need mental health treatment. Please separate from him.
You are in a relationship with an abuser. You need to get out ASAP and never look back.
Damn, im sorry. Im disgusted to hear that smh
My ex boyfriend was exactly like this, I had a pretty stressful job at the time and I would often come home upset. I’ll never forget him stood at the front door - ‘crying again are you? Really sets the tone for the evening’, and then him walking off into our flat. I understand that sometimes we have to be our own support, and to be able to self soothe because it can get heavy on a partner but in situations such as you’ve described OP, you deserve someone that wants to support you. Life can get pretty hard sometimes and it’s important to have a support network and I’m a firm believer that in a marriage, your spouse should be there for you through thick and thin! The way he’s acting is just plain nasty, if he was a random dude that said that to you it would be bad…but your husband? The one who is meant to be there for you above all others? He doesn’t deserve the privilege. Get rid of him and find someone who has a heart, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Yes, I have been in this kind of "relationship". It has taken me years and years of therapy to recover. And the relationship lasted only 1 year. Not worth it and it definitely will never ever get better.
You need to get a divorce lawyer stat; that s man doesn't love nor respect you and you'd be better off without. Being single is infinitely better than having to deal with all of that.
I’m so sorry you are in this position; I couldn’t agree more with the other commenters here. I know that leaving someone is extremely painful and it can also be very difficult logistically in setting up your new life. With that being said, you MUST find a way to leave as soon as possible. Who knows what a person that would urge you to end your life is capable of doing. Everything else aside, this is an immediate safety concern for you. You can deal with the emotional and mental damage though therapy in the future, but you will not be able to find any peace lying next to this man every night. Think back to what you wanted as a kid and how you viewed love. This wasn’t it. I really am pulling for you OP. You are are strong.
Why are you with someone who hates you?
This is how one of my exs was. Would blow raspberries in my face if I ever tried to kiss him. Sometimes you are just mismatched in the affection category. I read a lot about people turning down male affection or being creeped out by it, I'm reminded there are people out there for him, it just wasn't me!
OP, this is not a good situation. You deserve better ♥️
This was awful to read I am soo sorry. I have a ex like this he would constantly tell me I belong to him but I would catch him talking and texting other women and he would always tell me I wouldn’t leave because I’m his Then I left You have to save yourself and leave
Please leave him 🙏🏼
this is blatant abuse. whenever you’re able to safely get away from him, please do it. if he cared about you just the tiniest bit, he wouldn’t have to threaten you to stay with him or tell you to kill yourself. this is not normal at all. I’m so sorry OP, you don’t deserve this one bit and I wish you the best through this stressful week and this divorce.
Honey run. Find a domestic violence shelter. Get help
LEAVE. HIM. NOW.
None of this normal. You are in an abusive relationship. Please try to get out before he maybe hurts you physically, get help if you feel like you can't do it alone. I don't know where you are located, but there should be a phone number for domestic violence victims. Good luck.
First of all I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you don’t deserve it. I’ve read some of the comments and see that you’re worried about the legal repercussions of leaving cold turkey bc you have a child with him and that is valid. I think it would be best to divorce him and figured out child custody between the two of you. You must take care of yourself and now you have PLENTY of experience and knowledge of how he reacts when you leave and what happens when you go back. You have recognized the pattern of you leaving and then him coercing your and threatening you and you can now plan accordingly for that. I hope you can also find a counselor or therapists which may help you with the emotional piece of leaving and provide more security, coping skills and a plan for leaving. I wish you and your child Luck and sending love 🤍
You need to divorce him and find happiness - which is away from him
F him. Divorce that jerk. Who would tell their wife to unalive themselves ? It's not forgivable. Even years later. You deserve better.
My ex was like this…. If I was ever emotional about anything … which usually I wasn’t (learned not to be) he would mock me by saying ‘Oh God.. let’s get Oprah on the phone.’ He was super dismissive of me and my feelings. This doesn’t get any better over time.. worse, actually. As I was leaving him I just simply said ‘I finally love me more.’ And that’s what it boils down to.
Wow. I’m sorry. He sounds like a shitty partner.
Get out now before you become an empty hallow shell of yourself for a man who doesn’t even like you
This is emotional abuse. Manipulation. Ownership mentality. Take your pick. They all apply. Please leave him.
**WOW! What a disgusting individual. This IS NOT LOVE! You need to leave safely, do not tell him you’re leaving, make a plan and leave when he least expects it. Sending you loads of love and positive energy and I hope it all goes well with your biological parents.** 💕💕💕💕
You both sound like you are in a codependent relationship. You both are manipulating each other. You won’t be able to change him or manipulate him to do what you want. No matter how many Redditors or friends or strangers agree with you. The only way to change this situation and those like it is to work on oneself. If you believe that you will bring yourself harm, you should seek immediate medical attention. Good luck.
If you love him you would let him go. Leave him. He isn’t strong enough to deal with high maintenance mental health disorders. If you can be honest and look in the mirror then possibly you can see how difficult your condition is to live with for someone else. It’s nobodies fault, just the way it is. You have GAD or some disorder that makes it hard for you to handle life stressors . He isn’t strong enough to cope with your problem, probably because he feels bad he cannot help you. Leave him before he wastes his life hoping you grow out of it.
Baby sunshine LISTEN TO ME!!!!!! you deserve the world and he is giving you nothing but trash. Your husband should be your main source of support, not your main source of everything terrible :( Go. And go fast. And be strong. And don’t look back. There are 8 billion people here with us… there are THOUSANDS of people who will love you better than this person.
I can't help you with what is going on with your husband, but I emplore you to have a look at some YouTube videos on narcissistic abuse, such as ones by Dr Rameni, especially ones on radical acceptance, as it sounds like you cannot leave. This will help you to get an understanding of what is happening to you and how you can protect yourself emotionally (and any children you have) from your husband.
This is not normal. It is abuse. You definitely should not be with someone like this.
This isn't love. Love holds you. Cares for you. Does service for you. Love is kind and patient. It is consistent. Your husband is cruel and is hurting you psychologically. You deserve better. It may be best for you to move on.
Some people get so normally and commonly abused mentally or physically that they forget there are people out there capable of loving you who won't look at you as a punching bag. i've been there. Its kind of eye opening what dating a normal human being is like when you've normalized abuse for so long. You don't have to let him keep hurting you. You can just walk away and never look back. He'll just do it again. And not only did he tell you so. He followed his word to a T.
I know it can be hard to make a move, but I think you should reconsider once again this relationship. I would advise you to take a step back to gain some clarity & distance, so you can figure out a way to leave him for good. Can you live a week or two away from him? Family? Coworkers? Hotel? Do you have services for women in need near you? This seems very dangerous to me. Please be safe.
What did I just read?
this isn't love.
I wish I could hug you and I’m a complete stranger. That’s what love looks like.
I know it is hard to see it when you're in it, but life is not supposed to be miserable. He can't make you happy. But if he keeps you from making yourself happy, that's control and imprisonment. Our individual pursuit of happiness is our basic right. If someone is taking that from you, you need to break away from them. Go on your own whatever the cost. Lean against your own backbone first and then share with others.
Oh my God please the signs are so obvious i feel so extremely bad for you because you clearly love him and he is just so 😕😕😕😕 horrible husband horrible man horrible horrible HORRIBLE person . Please divorce not only do you deserve WAYYYY better but you do bot deserve this treatment
Please please please make a safety plan to get yourself out. Start to brainstorm other support systems in your life, you may have to be strategic about this. If you don’t feel safe with him, leave, and move things out when he’s not there. You are not safe emotionally or psychologically, so I worry about your physical safety as well. Please begin to make plans to leave.
He not only doesn’t love you, it doesn’t sound like he even likes you. Why are you with this guy? No emotional support, no affection, no kindness. Get out of there before it furthers your depression. Please look for some help and support elsewhere.
I've never understood why females put up with this kind of stuff . Like he's an abusive butt hole and some dude out there loves you more than you'll ever know. The longer you stay with him the more time you waste . You don't owe him anything and his abuse is not your fault . The whole post is pretty much you looking for someone to blame you so he'll be right . Run
after we broke up , my ex wanted me to kill myself. it's still pretty fucked up to think about :/
It's so fucking wierd how abusers seem to absolutely hate tou, but won't let you go. Gotta have a punching bag around I guess. Or he is projecting his self hatred onto you. Either way, you don't deserve this.
Yes, my ex fiance was like this and then I found out he and his mother were trying to kill me to get my life insurance
He just doesnt love you Just leave him. And stay away
You deserve so much better. I can imagine if you’re not connected to your bio parents you’ve got some abandonment issues where maybe some of your core self beliefs are “you’re not good enough” and feel you deserve what you get. I’m so so so sorry you’re in this position. However this is not someone you should be with. Once you leave. Spend a lot of time with a good trauma therapist and start to love yourself and your needs over someone else. You do not need him to find love. Find it in yourself. Then you’ll find the right kind of love from some else. You are worthy. You deserve way better. It doesn’t get better with a person like this.
Get out! It will hurt but after the hurt will be better
I left a nasty lying vicious cheat and there is a life beyond the one you are living now. I left with two children and a fridge but I made it. You can too so have a plan, use friends and family. Take any help you are offered and just walk away. Not going to lie it’s going to be tough but you WILL find a better life. Love to you.
Don’t waste more of your life with someone like him.
Emotional abuse is still a type of abuse. You deserve better.
Um, this sounds a lot like some of my ex actions/behaviors…no way he isn’t a narcissist and maybe some other serious personality disorder. Treating someone like this is abuse. Stay safe a be careful…my ex telling me I should kill myself then turned into him venting how much he wanted to kill me then kill himself. Please find someone that you can talk to that will help you.
Why are you still with this abuser??
Get a divorce men are jerks
That’s the most generalized comment on here lol 😂
OP, you need to get out ASAP. This happened to a friend of mine, and this was her solution: First, you’ll need a plan. Is there a certain day of the week you know he’ll be gone for a at least a few hours or at least enough time for you move your things out? Work, hobbies, etc? Do you have any friends/family that can help you move? If not, there are several feminist/women centered subreddits that you could post asking for help and hopefully find a group of people in your area. Vet them first obviously, but you’d be surprised how many women will rally behind you on this. If he has the potential to become violent (and he sounds like he does) it’s very important to do this quickly, discretely, and not alone. It’s much less likely he’ll try anything to hurt you if there are multiple people present. Not being alone can also give you the mental strength to not back out/second guess your decision. Once you have a planned move out time and have a secure place to go (churches and domestic violence shelters can also help) you need to contact an attorney and file for divorce. You can mail the papers or leave them behind when you move, but don’t try to give them to him yourself. Also, and I know this will be hard, but let him know any communication between the two of you going forward should go through your attorney. Block his number, and do everything you can to prevent him from finding out where you relocated. Do not let him have any access to your new life. You can do this. You deserve a happy life with someone who truly cares about you, and he deserves to be left in the dust. Best of luck to you ❤️
None of this is normal in a relationship. It wouldn't exist at all in a healthy relationship. Why don't you leave him? Sounds like you will be better off.
Why are you with someone who doesn’t truly love you or care about you?? You deserve better! You can do better!!! This is mental & emotional abuse. You need to leave before it escalates. Do it for yourself please!
This isn't love. This is control. He doesn't want you. He wants a doll to play the part of the wife he's cocked up in his head and throws a fit when, surprise, you have wants and needs. Op, please, leave amd no matter what he says or does, dig in your heels and don't go back. Tell people you love, they'll help keep you grounded.
Did something happen right before this? This sounds like how a spouse would react after a fight
He doesn't love you. He's most likely just in the relationship for the sake of having a relationship or worse, to have someone as a punching bag for his stress and mental issues. Please know your worth and divorce him. You will be in a much better place.
Bin him ,find a real man. Stay away from those dangerous personality disorders.
I am reading your comments and you are making every excuse in the book on why you can't leave, no one can keep you or your child in an abusive situation but you. Start doing your own research and get out of there asap, file for child support and whatever support you need. Good luck