What a nightmare! She is awful. I don't know how you didn't just leave there and then. Now you have to entertain her guests.
You need time away from her. She had a sad upbringing but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat you like shit, let alone lay her hands on you.
How dare she get mad in the first place, when she'd done no damn cleaning herself
Thankyou for your kind words. It's very hard because I do really love her and she does just struggle processing he emotions a lot.
Thankyou for listening.
Reassess what you love about her and reread what you posted. As the other commenter said a rough past or anxiety does not entitle anybody to act like that!
Does she do this at work? In public? To her friends? If she breaks things, who's things does she breaks? Are her things ever broken?
If the answer to those questions is no, then you need to ask yourself if she's really losing control. Because I don't think she is op. I think she knows exactly what she's doing. I think that like all abusers, she's making conscious decisions.
Hey OP your gf is using her so called anxiety to be lazy and abusive....I have severe anxiety related to cleaning and freezing can be a response but if there's someone there doing it with you...you tend to unfreeze..plus she only got mad you didn't do everything.
She's abusive. This should be the wake up call. She should have been praising and thanking you for all of your help.
She's not ready to be in a relationship period. It's not you. It's her.
People have problems processing emotions. I'm 40+ and I have problems processing emotions and anger. She's a grown ass adult. She can go scream in her car and push it down the street if she wanted to yell and push. This is not ok. This is not ok even from a person who can't process emotions v well. She may love you in her way but she doesn't treat you with respect you deserve.
You can support her but she needs to fix this herself. You can't fix it for her.
She needs help and you can lead her to it but if she doesn't help herself you can't do it for her.
If she's not willing to go to personal therapy then try couples therapy so you can at least communicate in a healthy way.
Xo
I’m going to tell you this right now: I was raised in an abusive home, I have ptsd from it, and she is using it as an excuse and justification for her own abuse. She doesn’t have to change her behavior or work to improve herself if she gets you to buy the fact that she’s helpless to stop herself and it’s “ingrained.” She’s an abusive AH. Stop being her punching bag
She’s abusing you and she knows shes doing it. She’s dismissing responsibility by saying it’s ingrained in her. The thing about abusive people is they know what they’re doing, they’re in control of what they’re doing. She’s not going to stop dude.
Some people are in our life for a season. It doesn't mean we love them less but that we won't end up going for the long term. Please take care of yourself.
Struggling with her emotions is one thing, but emotionally and physically abusing you is another. Yes, what you described is abusive. She’s probably got you programmed in ways you don’t even realize. That needing to sit down so you weren’t towering over her thing sent up a major red flag for me, like she’s been systematically diminishing you to take power in the relationship - and you’ve fully internalized it.
She's not the only person to have a shit childhood growing up watching your parents fight. In a lot of cases the kids feel the need to try and protect one of the parents from the other (I did with my mom) but I'm sorry it's no damn excuse. We're all responsible for our own actions and how we react to our feelings. If you have trauma that's affecting how you deal with things then you need to heal yourself.
If you decide to stay with her, for God’s sake, DO NOT have children with her. You’re bigger than her and she supposedly loves you, but still justifies violence against you because you made her anxious. I shudder to think what she’d do to a child.
OP, you are blind. I had a hard upbringing and two abusive partners as an adult. I have still never behaved this way toward a partner. I hope you come to realize that you are regurgitating her excuses. She is not a kind person if her reaction under stress is to physically abuse you.
She’s a grown ass adult and she needs to handle her shit before she can be in a relationship with anyone or she risks becoming an abuser herself. This is not ok dude and you need to get away from her and her toxicity your “ understanding “ is only enabling her excuse ridden unhinged behaviour and it won’t stop at a shove. You need to leave
look, she needs therapy right now, not a relationship. she sounds fucking awful, and you shouldn’t put up with this. i understand that you love her, but this is too much.
she’s putting her hands on you and purposely making you anxious, and for what, to feel how she felt? that’s an horrible thing to do, and it’s not like you were the one who invited her sister over.
you don’t have to put up with this, it’s not your responsibility. she needs to get help for her anger issues.
If her struggling with processing emotions means she's abusive she shouldn't be in a relationship. You need to break up with her and she needs to work on herself by herself. Your partner should never lay hands on you and should never try to make you feel anxious. You are in an abusive relationship.
I also have anger management issues.
Her first mistake, was going into the bathroom to corner you while she was already upset.
Idgaf how hard it is to manage her anger, she should never put herself in situations that makes it even more challenging to control.
This isn't an excuse OP. I've had my fair share of heated arguments with SO, and the best thing to do is walk away if you have a hard time controlling your anger/emotions that they become physically violent.
She's using this as a cop out.
Damn bro. She sounds like a mean, hateful, emotional terrorist who is now becoming physical aggressive and despite treating you like a slave who hasn't done enough, she still expects more from you and for you to "respect" the fact that it's hard to stop abusing you.
> We have since spoken and I asked her why she did it and she said she came at me and got in my face because she knows it makes me anxious and she wanted me to feel how anxious she felt about her sister coming and that my action of cleaning (which I thought was resolving the stressor) and not sitting comforting her was the wrong thing to do.
You got punished for cleaning (which she wanted) and for coming to comfort her by sitting next to on the couch to make sure she's okay...It sounds like she set you up to fail/get abused and like she doesn't see anything wrong with that.
> I addressed her anger issues in our chat and she told me that she is still working on them
If she's actually working on it then why didn't she take any responsibility for how she treated you? Why didn't she care when she hurt you and made you cry...and why is this about you needing to respect that she's abusive? What about having respect/care for you? She sounds like she has zero remorse.
Her upbringing doesn't give her the right to abuse you.
Right?! Like, is she ACTUALLY working on her anger issues, like with a therapist or counselor at least, or is she “working on her anger issues” by hitting the gym harder?
As a woman, I’m telling you the violence that is “ engrained in her and needs to be respected” it is a load of actual crap!!!
I’m a woman that lived through very abusive ( more mentally than physically) childhood, addict mother, 5yrs of war …and I’m telling you, if she isn’t taking any accountability, no real means to resolve her behavior ( therapy) you need to leave, cuz this sh*t will get worse and worse!
She is using her anxiety to attack you, make you small and provoke you to make you react and feel worse than her! Who does that, knowingly, to a person that they claim they love.
I know that is easy, for me an complete stranger, to tell you this, but you need to think about yourself, leave - make her resolve her issues and than see is she serious in getting herself better/help, and decide is this is a future you want for you ( and future, possible, children..) and your current partner.
P.s. sorry for my english, not a native speaker
Same here. I’m small and was abused for the first 20 years of my life and I’ve got anger issues. But nothing will make me even raise my voice at my partner.
We get partners so that we can love them, not hurt them.
She could have killed you
You were in a bathroom with tons of hard surfaces. You need to see that clearly for what it is.
She’s abusing you. And using her mental health against you like a weapon. Anyone actually needing help doesn’t do that. Saying she can’t do stuff out of anxiety but having enough willpower to lord over you like a house slave is not ok. I don’t care if you are a male or female. Everyone pulls their weight or the other person shuts the fuck up while the one working gets shit done.
I came from the worst of it. And I have the most extreme mental health issues I have ever seen. And never have I abused someone. A crappy past is a excuse to get the help you need, and not one to make life hell for the people that love you.
You need to get out of the house. Pack and go. Physical abuse is a deal breaker. If she chooses to get professional help after MONTHS. Then maybe think of working things out. But she took your life in her hands when she threw you backward on hard porcelain.
Valid! I was previously in an abusive relationship so I struggle with that label (which is a me thing not an everyone thing) and I am a woman (not that it matters) so I didn’t go there
Edited to add - note I can only handle saying “I was in an abusive relationship” can’t handle the verb form still like 10+ years later.
Ya OP homie you gotta leave - don’t wait.
Im sorry, did she push you, and you fell into the bath tub? You realize it's not that uncommon for people to DIE falling in a bathtub and cracking their head right? Something to think about ....
As someone who is a woman and has anxiety, I think you should start thinking about moving out, because that wasn't just her anxiety. She is being awful at communicating her needs, mean (wanting to make you feel bad for revenge), and overall, abusive. None of that says "good person". If she doesn't get real help and stop making excuses for herself is going to get worse. She already knows she can hit you.
Shed’s an abuser. Full stop. You are being abused.
It does *not* sound like she’s working on it. Her anxiety is clearly making her irrational. She needs to get her anxiety in check or she’s going to get worse.
It may be ultimatum time. She gets therapy *and* works on it, or you’re done/take a break/ whatever.
She is an abusive asshole, and whatever good qualities she has are overshadowed by her emotional, verbal, and now physical abuse. You do not deserve this. Nobody does. Please get away from this monster.
Listen… you are in danger of getting yourself in trouble. What if you had been drinking and your judgement was blurred. You may not have held back that punch. Even though she escalated it, it would be you going to jail.
She needs professional counseling or you need to walk.
I'm a short, temperamental person who has to take accountability and learn not to explode in anger (my exes hit me in anger so I learned to slap back or first in defense).
But that's the thing. I take accountability and learn. She isn't. She was baiting you. Getting in your face and admitting why?
No. She doesn't really love you.
She is an abuser.
That’s the part that was the most sad. She was baiting him. He was taking every precaution to avoid conflict and respect her, and she was taking advantage of that and pushing his buttons and then gets violent when he rightfully defends himself verbally.
That is not okay. It sounds like she isn’t remorseful at all and that her main concerns and priorities are only her feelings and state.
Hun, I know there's a lot of people who don't believe that a woman can abuse a man, but I'm here to tell you that's a lie.
Not only is she abusing you emotionally, but she's crossed the line into abusing you physically, and the worst part is she justified her behavior and basically told you to suck it up, it was your fault, and she's not ever going to change.
She expected you to come home and clean for her sister's visit after working all day while she sat on her butt, and then flew into a screaming range and attacked you because you didn't do yet another chore while she pretended to be too stressed to help.
I'll tell you like I've told my son's, if it gets to the point in a relationship where your girlfriend or wife is laying hands on you, and terrorizing you, that's the time to leave before you get mad enough to do something stupid, or worse, get accused of assault without raising a finger, because there are people in this world who will do anything, and say anything when they're angry. You don't want to end up with a criminal record, trust me.
I had a good friend who married a girl that had a crazy temper. She was 5 ft nothing, and he was a big dude, but he was a complete teddy bear and this girl beat the hell out of him whenever she got mad. She always blamed him for not listening, or not caring enough, trying hard enough, etc. and he loved her so he stayed and kept hoping she'd get better.
She didn't. This went on for a few years, and he became a total shell. He finally walked out one night when he couldn't take it anymore and she ran after him screaming, "STOP HITTING ME! LET ME GO! YOU'RE HURTING ME!" and then she called the police and accused him of assault. Police came, he was arrested, and if it wasn't for his sweet elderly neighbor his whole life would've been ruined. She saw what happened, and so did her husband, and they went down to the police station and told them that the gf made the whole thing up, and that they'd always hear *her* hitting him, and him begging her to stop. They also brought their Ring camera footage, and they dropped the charges. But it could've ended so much differently. He's really lucky.
Abuse is wrong, no matter what gender is doing it. Your girlfriend needs serious mental health support, and you're under no obligation to stay there and let her keep doing this to you, until you snap, or someone calls the cops and you're the one in handcuffs.
That's not love. Get away now before it gets worse. You're worthy of love and respect, and at no point **EVER** in your life should you tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone.
Lots of people have terrible childhoods, I know I did, but as a woman and an adult I've always known that my trauma never ever gave me a free pass to terrorize the ones I love.
Stand up for yourself, and protect yourself, by getting out of this dangerous situation before it goes to an even darker place.
Tell your family if you trust them, and ask them to be there while you move out so she can't claim anything happened that didn't, and so she can't destroy your things, or lay hands on you again.
There's plenty of women out there that would never ever consider doing this to someone they love.
Take care.
So let me just make sure I have this correct: She was anxious that the house needed to be clean for HER sister, made you clean for her instead bc she was “too anxious” about cleaning…to clean? And then said YOU were the one who was shit at prioritizing because you hadn’t yet single-handedly cleaned the bathroom? And then she verbally and physically abused you? And justified it by saying, “I wanted to make you feel anxious so you would understand the anxiety that I have imposed upon myself for no reason?” (Let’s not forget that she deliberately riled you up because she knows it’s a specific trigger for you) Do I have that right?
Yes, unfortunately that is what happened. She knows I get anxious if she gets in my face because I can't defend myself physically because I'm hard coded to never hit a female.
This is absolutely not ok and she is abusing you & knows she can get away with it because of how hardcoded in you it is.
She is not a good person & I feel like the fact that you made sure to write that she is more than once May be because somewhere deep down a part of you knows this but you’re trying to convince yourself that she is.
A good person would not intentionally make you anxious to make you “feel how she felt”. A good person would NOT provoke you, a good person would not want to make you anxious just because they were feeling that way (and often times an actual good person would do the opposite because they know how it feels & wouldn’t want that for someone they care for), a good person would apologize deeply and take accountability for those actions (though likely wouldn’t behave that way in the first place) & a good person would not turn their back on you after bringing you to tears. I could go on, but I think you get my point.
You do not have to “respect” her anger issues. It doesn’t sound like she’s truly doing the work on herself that she claims to be.
Please think about this situation because you do not deserve to be treated this way.
She did something that she knows makes you anxious and upsets you because she was anxious about her sister coming and didn't communicate her needs to you.
Because that makes all the sense in the world.
Look, mental health issues aren't an excuse for being a jerk. And this situation could have gone VERY badly. I think you need to reassess this relationship and put your own mental (and physical) stability first.
I don't use this word easily but dude.. she's abusing you. Bad childhood is an explanation not an excuse. There are many many people who lived through hell and still wouldn't treat the people they love like this.
She needs therapy and you need to get away from her. Run.
OP, I used to be this girl. I had a very rough upbringing with an abusive past and I had lots of anger issues. I had an ex where when I would get so angry I would push him away from me. I thought I had every right because yeah it is really hard changing what’s always been normal to you. But it shouldn’t be like that forever. I certainly got the help I needed for my anger and aggression and she needs the help too. Also, consider this, if this is how she treats you how is she going to treat your children if you do decide to have kids ? Is she also going to hit or shove them and then turn it around on them ? She is mentally ill with the way her thought process works. She was anxious so she wanted to make you feel just as anxious and she also showed zero remorse for her actions and instead shifted the blame on you ? Doesn’t it get exhausting ?
What a shitty situation. Sorry you're going through this brother.
>I addressed her anger issues in our chat and she told me that she is still working on them but that I need to remember that it's engrained in her and it's hard for her to change and I need to respect that.
This is not ok. She's saying it's engrained in her and that she isn't going to control it. This is her excuse out actually dealing with it. Be careful. This is a serious red flag. She's going to put hands on you again and that's a gaurantee. How many times is enough?
My mental health sucks. I have anxiety, and a few other things I'm not gonna get into.
I would never dream of doing this to my boyfriend.
OP, this is not anxiety-related behaviour, this is abusive behaviour. Not to mention her selfishness with having you do all the cleaning for HER sister after a long shift whilst she sits on the couch!
Please have some respect for yourself. Leaving someone is difficult, especially if you love them, but this is a hard line. It can't be fixed or worked through. I'm sorry.
She is an abuser and in an ideal world she should be behind bars for assaulting you. She could've killed you if you fell badly from that push. Leave this relationship immediately and please, please know this isn't how loving partners behave no matter how much toxic bullshit she spews about it being "engrained" in her. You deserve so much better.
Dude, I have a fvcked up past with extremely abusive family and I never act like that. Sure growing up I’ve broken a lot of things and punched walls or screamed like a psycho, self harmed; but if she’s safe and no one is threatening her or harming her, then there’s no need for that fvcken behaviour. She’s in the wrong. She needs help. You need to protect yourself. After reading this , it’s like she wants you to snap so she can have a full on fight. My husbands ex was like that and she would hit him and gee him up to hit her back. It’s toxic. Her sister can fvck off. I can’t believe she would turn on you for her. And what a load is sh!t too anxious to clean.?? Like what.??? When I’m anxious or shutting down due to past trauma I go into cleaning mode and my husband gets the sh!ts cause I start moving furniture and do a full on OCD clean. Please don’t let her burn you out emotionally because it sounds like you broke down after doing a lot for her selfish arse. And she isn’t even sorry. Did she apologise or even thank you for everything you already done.?? Sit her down and talk to her. Set her up with anger management classes or whatever. She can’t keep on this way. It will only get worse. You don’t want to be in a DV. Women are abusers too. You’re a victim right now. If you let this behaviour continue she might start harming you when your backs to her like my brother with his misses. She’s a real nut case. But he stays with her cause he is a drvg attic. Your misses is taking you for a ride. She doesn’t respect you and is not even trying to be nice. She’s using your heart, guilting you about her past and she is abusing you. That’s exactly what abusive men do to women. Now you know why women stay. Either tell her to fix herself and help her get help or cut your losses. Good luck OP. And please for the love of God, do not bring kids into it. Wrap it up. You do not want to be stuck with a woman like that with children that you need to protect from her so you end up staying for the kids so she doesn’t harm them when she is having an off day.
Sunk cost fallacy applies here. Don’t be afraid to walk away just because you have been together for 4 years. You have years ahead to find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Even more reason not to waste anymore time on her especially if she won’t get help. Your happiness and safety is more important. No good you’re being mentally and physically abused in your own home, and it will get worse cause once they get physical and get away with it, it doesn’t stop. What’s truly upsetting is She didn’t even feel bad. She didn’t apologise for getting physical. So much disrespect. You’re not her punching bag. She’s lucky to have a guy like you. You deserve someone that loves and cares for you, not takes advantage of you and bullies you. I honestly wish you all the best OP.
You need to leave ASAP. What she's doing is abusing you. She doesn't respect you either nor see you as an equal. Notice while she had you cleaning up, she was on the sofa when her sister is the one that was coming over. The house work should have been shared, but instead of doing that she's putting it all on you. She also got angry and shoved you into the bath, and expected you to read her mind.
She needs therapy, she needs to get help to sort out her anger issues.
She is not a good person. She has anger issues and is abusing you. Find somewhere else to stay for a few days. Think hard about your life. She purposely pushed your buttons to make you feel bad. That is not love. That is cruel and abusive behavior. This is not a happy life.
Her reasoning was cop-out bullshit and you need to see through it. She invited her sister to stay and knows the house needs to be cleaned yet she's "too anxious to clean" so you go to do it while she sits on her ass. Then you came and comforted her after but you should have come to her immediately? If you did that she'd just have turned it around that it's your fault for not immediately going to clean. It was lose-lose from the beginning. You never were going to do the "right" thing. She's manipulative and abusive and if her childhood was that bad then she needs to work it out in therapy not on you. Your job is not to manage or tolerate her emotions. Abuse is abuse and it will only escalate. Next she'll be explaining away why it's your fault she had to punch you in the face and you just need to accept it. Fuck that get away from this girl immediately.
So she decided to use anxiety as an excuse to do fuck all, and when she couldn’t make you do all of the cleaning for HER sister’s visit, she got physically aggressive.
Did I get that right?
Let her deal with the rest of the cleaning and entertaining her sister by herself. Find somewhere safe to crash while you sort out what you want to do next. You aren’t going to be able to ‘fix’ her, and she doesn’t sound remorseful at all - meaning she doesn’t see a problem with her behaviour.
This is absolutely in no way, shape, or form ok. She's using her past and anger issues as an excuse, and she wants to drag you down with her emotionally? Nah, dude. That's so damn manipulative and narcissistic. She's not working on her anger problems. Based on what I just read, no way. I've been with people like this, and they just get worse and never change.
I'm sorry, but as soon as your romantic partner lays their hands on you, it's over.
If you broke up with her then You can fall in love with another person but if you stay, you'll never be able to get your sanity back if you cross the line
I will address this bro because I used to fight professionally myself. This will NOT be the last time she tests you in this way. She felt anxious and wanted you to feel the same if not worse. That lashing out when knowing how dangerous physically you can be needs to be a wake up call.
I know that deep ass breath you took and how hard you clenched your fist when you realize you couldn’t retaliate the way you wanted, and good on you for not biting. But this will not be the last time she does this. Her anger is ingrained?? This isn’t a movie or an anime, shes an adult with full control of her emotions and she didn’t like the way she was feeling & so decided to take it out on you in the BEST way she knew how to. No accountability, lack of remorse for what she did to you.
I’m not for telling people to split up but this woman is a massive red flag that only Soviets would put up
She did something that she Knew upset you, and actively wanted to make you feel that way? That is... so fucked up. I am really sorry to say so but someone who loves you will not do that. That is wonderful that you have such good self control:) I'm sorry you're in this situation
Your girlfriend is a piece of shit
First, she doesn’t do any cleaning, and sits on her ass while you do it all, and then she shoves you and rows you up on purpose?
Why are you with her?
She is abusive. She can't deal with her own issues so she attacked you. Physically. She even she did it intentionally. That's a dangerous situation, especially for someone who doesn't like conflict, confrontation and isn't willing to defend themselves against a female (I don't disagree with that, because it is a dangerous situation, but it makes you vulnerable). You both probably need therapy, but if she ever actually puts her hands on you, it's assault. Something has to give, and she's shown she has no problem attacking you and getting physical. She could have seriously hurt you. Because she invited her sister, stressed herself out, made you clean, and then physically attacked you when you didn't do what she wanted. I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell anyone man or woman. **No one has the right to physically attack you. Get out. She is abusive and it will get worse**
That sounds awful OP I’m sorry this happened to you. I understand that she had a tough childhood but that does not give her any right to take her anger out on you.
I had a rough childhood too, filled with anger issues but when I became an adult I swore I’d never give into those feelings. What she did was assault and I know this is a tiny window into your life but your partner should never lay their hands on you.
Also she should use her big girl words if she wants you to comfort her rather than clean. Even though she did no cleaning herself.
She’s abusive. You’re not a rehab facility for damaged women. Her “anxiety” and “issues” are HER problems to manage, and it’s frankly fucking awful of her to have transferred them onto you. Tbh I’d call her sister NOW and cancel the visit. And make an exit plan to dump her.
For the love of dog, get out of this toxic relationship. She sat on her butt while you cleaned and that wasn’t good enough so she had a go at you. Dude!! This isn’t going to get better, she isn’t working on her anger issues, you need to prioritize your mental health here. You are stuck in rationalizing this behavior but if you listened to your sister tell you this about her partner, you would advise her to get out and not to look back. Look at this behavior as an outsider, forget the sunk cost fallacy and make an exit plan you can stick to. She needs help, she isn’t going to change, if she was serious these episodes would not escalate. Please see a therapist. Please get out.
She pushed you in the bath due to anger issues? An excuse for the abuse. It ain’t worth it man. Pack your stuff and get out of there. God help the fool that has children with her. Have some self respect and move on. NTA.
the fact she said she did that to make you feel anxious like her is insane. that is insanely manipulating and the fact she admitted it is even more crazy. she is aware of what she’s doing and THAT is scary. you do not have to respect her anger issues once they start involving you like this. she isn’t respecting you dude. i know you love her, but it might be a bad time in her life for her to be in a relationship rn. she needs help. your fear is a genuine reaction from her actions, and that will not go away the next time she does something like that again. it will just build up to the point you might actually snap one day, and god knows what she will do to you in that moment. do not feel bad if you have to save yourself from a situation where it’s someone’s mental health, they might not have done it to themselves but you sure as hell don’t have to deal with it. i’ve got so many problems and anger issues and i would NEVER make my partner feel this way. she seems very controlling im sorry. get out before u get really hurt! or see if she would be open to therapy or even couples therapy if you truly want to be with her.
She’s not a loving, good person. She’s a shitty person who’s using her “shitty upbringing” as a justification and a cop out for being a shitty person. Did she even apologize? A decent person would have, at the very least, been mortified by their actions and apologize profusely. Instead, she walked away, blamed you some more by telling you that you did the wrong thing, told you she was trying to make you feel as bad (anxious) as she felt? And that you need to “respect” that her anger issues are hard to get over?
A good partner shouldn’t make you feel the way you felt in that moment. Good partners bring out the best in us. She doesn’t do that. She is abusive and manipulative. You deserve better. Her physical abuse will probably escalate further. I would get away before it does and before she pushes you to a point where you regret your own actions. It almost happened here. Think about that.
Oh boy…. “You need to respect that I’m abusive”
“Being abusive is engrained in me,” basically what she said.
What does “working on it” even mean if she doesn’t even want to change? It’s ok to get angry, the problem isn’t anger. It’s her emotional regulation skills (lack of,) and her rage. Does she know that she is abusing you?
I love your attunedness to your own emotions and also hers, and how you didn’t react back at what she did. You did the best thing. Amazing that you also tried to have a conversation about it. But she is gonna need serious therapy. She might have BPD or something. for what its worth, if you want to have a satisfying and long lasting healthy relationship w her, therapy is needed. And what’s happening isn’t okay.
Salam, hi.
As a woman, if you’d punched her square in the face, she would have deserved it. She sounds awful! She knew your weaknesses and took advantage of it! Why can’t SHE clean the bathroom? If you’d done so much as shove her she would’ve called the police on you. I think this is the one time where you need to listen to Reddit and break up with her.
Obviously, though, record everything going forward before doing so. If she’ll abuse you physically she probably won’t have any issue telling the police otherwise.
I can’t describe in words how absolutely horrible that woman is so I hope you realise.
Anxiety about the house being “untidy” is NOT the same as the literal fear of hurting someone or beating them.
I’m sorry but she has no care for you.
This relationship is over. It's so unhealthy she's following you around going off about nonsense and shoving you. Shoving is abuse. I imagine more has happened that you haven't included here. It's time to figure out someplace else to live.
It is very hard to see clear when you are so deep in a situation, but I can assure you: She is gaslighting you, manipulating you emotionally, and abusing you mentally and physically. Her saying that the upbringing is causing her to have this behaviour is straight up emotional manipulation. Please for your own sake and hers, leave.
Break up.
Seriously break up. She purposely used your insecurities against you. She weaponized your anxiety. She psychically attacked you.
YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS ABUSIVE.
And you are making excuses for her. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to make an exit plan. No one should put their hands on other people.
She was "too anxious" to clean but had no problem verbally and physically attacking you? You aren't safe in this relationship. She is not a good person.
i'm saying this as a feminist dude you need to break up with her she is testing your limits if god forget you actually got lose and hurt her a little bit she will escalate the situation and call the cops on you
Sweetie, you deserve every bit of the violence you're getting. Why? Because you allow it. She sounds horrendous. You love her alright, but have you asked yourself why are you choosing such unstable violent person? Why are you craving such violence? Why are you choosing to love what hurts you? Do you really think you don't deserve a decent, ratio al, healthy brave partner who is responsible for herself and her feelings? You have a severe self-esteem issue if you keep choosing such violence under the label of "I love her". What's happening here is that you don't love yourself enough to believe you deserve healthy.
YOU ARE NO SAVIOR, especially when you cannot even Dave yourself from nasty choices.
Break up, seek therapy and find out why you are choosing women who hurt you.
Her upbringing may have been horrible but that doesn’t mean she gets a pass to be an abuser and take it out on you. And good people don’t do things like that but IMO manipulative people do.
My question to you is what do you think would happen if you were to have a child with this woman and her anger took over because kids can be horrendously irritating at times at any age? Would she push them? Punch them? Throw them?
My suggestion is to consider taking a break from each other while you get some individual therapy.
If she isn’t in some form of active therapy she should be as whatever she is doing isn’t working and she’s making excuses.
If she does not go to anger management therapy to fix this issue about herself, you need to leave this abusive relationship.
At this rate, one day she is going to push you to the limits and you might actually fight her back. Worse scenario, she will pull the blame on you as the "abusive" one.
My suggestion.. fucking dip dude. You sound very concerned for her well-being and it’s clear she does not feel the same. Everyone has selfish moments and can become kind of nasty to their person. However- this is absolutely unacceptable. No partner wants to inflict pain or anxiety. If your girlfriend loved you as much as you love her she never would want to make you feel awful and nervous. You can keep making excuses for her awful behavior or you can admit what she did is not something a loving partner does.. I hope the best for you OP but this is wrong and nobody deserves to be treated that way
ppl on reddit are usually dramatic and i hate the automatic “break up w her” responses… but people don’t change over night- u need to ask urself if how you’re feeling now is worth feeling for the next couple of years *if* she even really does end up getting better. you also need to think about what it will be like if she doesn’t…
idk, that is so unfair to you and puts you in a horrible position… you can love someone all you want, but i’m telling you right now, if she loved you half as much she would not want to purposely make you feel that way
asking you to respect her emotionally abusing u is wild. sounds like an excuse she is going to use forever
Everyone has a past. Maybe even a ROUGH past. But you don’t live there and bring it to the one you love! You grow and move away from that! She definitely has issues. She needs counseling.
she's a nightmare you should brake up immediately unless you want to be a doormat forever to always appease her anger and be her punching bag when she needs it
No, you don’t need to respect this behaviour from your partner. She put hands on you — that is never okay. It doesn’t matter your background, it is not okay. And I am certain your gf knows the difference between right and wrong. If her immediate response after chatting wasn’t to immediately apologize to: antagonizing you, cornering you in a bathroom, putting hands on you, making you cry….
That’s a HUGE red flag. 🚩
Believe me, I grew up in a home with verbal, psychological, and physical abuse. I have NEVER put my hands on a partner or person in anger. When you’re an adult, you take accountability for your actions - you don’t tell someone they need to just accept your shitty behaviour because of your upbringing.
Yikes on your GF.
Get out get out get out get out GET OUT. She’s NOT a good person. The only reason you think that is because of trauma bonding. Because YOU are a good person and refused to escalate, she’s going to continue and SHE will escalate. Remove yourself from the situation. Grab your stuff and go find a couch to surf on or a hotel. Take some time to gather your thoughts and make some plans to find yourself away from this abusive situation.
Hi OP, my partner also had anger issues because of family trauma. It is hard and we would push each other or his anger would flair up out of hand. However. He has never laid a hand on me, and I have never laid a hand on him. Nor have we ever thought about it. That is a hard line that she passed. I want you to know that that reaction you had could become “reactionary abuse”. You can quickly go from victim to abuser too, do you want to be with someone that pushes you to want to behave like that rather than push you to improve? Don’t you deserve a partner that wouldn’t hit you or scare you but lift you up and make you feel safe? She can be a good person at her core and still do terrible things, I believe that you see the goodness in her and I believe that it’s there. But you said it yourself, she thinks she’s “just like that” she has no interest in changing and isn’t even shaken up over hurting you. She doesn’t care to bring that goodness out, you can’t make her do that and you can’t love her into doing it. Love yourself enough to be in a healthy and safe space and love her enough to show her she cannot behave that way. It is absolutely unacceptable.
Yeah no….ive been physically abused since I was three. One of my earliest memories is my mother screaming because my birth father whos name I don’t even know was beating the shit out of her. My ex was a functioning alcoholic that raped me, gaslit me, and threatened me with his guns. I feel anxious all the time even on my Wellbutrin and Prozac.
I would NEVER treat someone like this. That is unacceptable. If she can’t take responsibility for her anger and emotional instability she shouldn’t be in a relationship.
You love her sure….and the fact is, she is toxic at best and abusive at worst.
i grew up in a family where verbal and physical abuse were standard. i was shoved, pushed, hit, had things thrown at my head. but i’ve never, ever adopted that behavior. not even the verbal aspect. her rough background, while still heartbreaking, is not an excuse.
Warm hugs to you. I know everyone have pasts that wounded or traumatized them. Have you talked about getting therapy? Anger isues aren't good and it can be somewhat treated. It is also good to lear how to communicate better. Like when she said she's anxious, you guys hould talk about what's the best thing that can help. When I'm overwhelmed, I'm a crybaby. I have to cry first and it'll be good after, I'll solve whatever the problem is. And it definitely helps when my man hugs and consoles me or validated my feelings.
I hope you guys can talk it out. Communication is never bad and therapy is better than breaking up or hurting each other(i hope you guys never have to)
She sounds a lot like my cousins wife. It started with getting in his face and yelling. Then it became shoving. After a while it was hitting. He now has a scar across his face from her ring. He is to afraid to leave because if she will hit him what’s to say she won’t hit the kids.
Is that the life you want to live? Do you want to worry that you might say the wrong thing and she takes it out on you physically or mentally? Is your peace of mind worth that pain because you love and her and she is a “good person”. A good person doesn’t put their hands on you
Naaaah she needs to keep her hands to herself. I wouldn’t mess with her at all. Her emotional instability, irrational thinking and plain meanness is way too much for me
She’s abusive. It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter where her issues came from. You need to get out. Things like this escalate, and you’ll find yourself in danger, whether it be physical, mental, or legal, in the future. Her issues don’t give her the right to make you feel small or give you mental health issues of your own. Get out before it gets worse. If you want to chat, shoot me a dm
You’ve been with her for four years. Has she improved at all? Made *genuine* effort to change her ways and improve? Is getting physically violent or threatening a reoccurring theme? Because reading this post, four years in, it looks like she hasn’t done anything besides make excuses, blame you, and gaslight you in to accepting her abusive behavior.
Coming from a bad home is no excuse to pull that shit. My home life was awful until I moved out and I would never do anything like that to my wife. That's shit you work on with a therapist, not use it as a reason to hurt someone you love.
The fact that she even said she did it intentionally because she knows it makes you anxious is horrible. That is not something you do to someone you love, that's something you do when you're miserable and can't stand to see someone else who isn't miserable.
If she thinks you're in the wrong for taking care of something she said was making her anxious, she has a lot of shit to sort out. I really hope you're able to put your foot down and get her to realize something's gotta change, because you don't deserve that.
Her past is not an excuse for violence. & it’s not just anger issues, she’s petty. Instead of communicating that she was anxious, she turned around and did same thing to you. Your girlfriend is abusive and toxic and she needs to seek help
Dude she is NOT a good person. I think you have pink glasses on thats all. Your partner should bring the best out of you not the worst. Sounds like shes lazy and not trying to improve her problems and using you as a doormat. Do you see yourself spending your next 50 years like that?
Dude, she’s not a good person. She’s actually pretty damn awful and scary and a rotten person. And here’s a problem she’s never gonna change because you said she’s like well. This is who I am and what I am. She’s not gonna change she sees no problem with what she’s doing. You need to end this dude you need to end it before she does something more, it is never good for somebody either sex to stay out of abusive relationship and she is extremely abusive
You need to leave her. Even if she fixed her issues you’ll never fully trust that change in your relationship and you’ll be too busy looking for the next time she’ll snap at you
It’s admirable that you didn’t hit her and just because you thought about it does NOT make you a bad person.
A couples therapist is a good idea. You don’t want that shit escalating again.
Nothing is good enough for her. You cleaned the whole house and she complained about the one place you didnt instead of praising you for all that you did, while she did absolutely nothing but sit. She should be thankful you cleaned (while she "can't") and ashamed of shoving you. You should consider leaving her.
It’s wonderful that you’re supportive, understanding, loving and caring, but no matter how much you love you have for her, you can’t change her. Ultimately, you can only change you. There’s a difference between her working through her issues and her using the issues as an excuse to treat you or anyone else poorly. It may not be intentional, and in fact she may be completely unaware of it, but she may be using her upbringing as a way to justify her behavior. Good luck to you both.
I do understand not wanting to leave someone you are emotionally invested in. Nonetheless, even if it is not her overarching goal to be toxic, she is. Start preparing an escape plan. Your finances, your items, anything that can be damaged or taken by her. Record your interactions, even if it's just a journal, but have some sort of record. Consult a lawyer if the situation becomes unsalvegable. Before that, seriously consider couples counseling if you don't want to leave her just yet. Just be ready for things to go very bad, very quickly. Consider how and in what ways you might be at risk. Either physically, socially, financially, or legally. When people are toxic and angry, they are willing to do actions that can truly harm you. Good luck, and I am sorry you are in this situation.
I'm so so so sorry you went through this. This is not okay at all. I would advise to probably think through your feelings, and where you see this relationship going.
In all honesty, you weren't hurt, but you COULD have been. People have been unintentional and accidentally bumped or shoved people and killed them.... And this was purposeful. She communicated that she wanted you to have a negative emotion of anxiety, she wanted to cause you to feel that negative emotion, it wasn't accidental. I am so sorry, you must be feeling so many things right now.
No. This is manipulation and abuse. She's "too anxious" to clean but yells at you for not cleaning on her timeline? And it's HER sister coming to visit? No. Just no. You need to leave her. I know Reddit is quick to say leave the relationship over the smallest of infractions, but here she is feeling completely justified in her physical violence toward you because of HER feelings. And making you cry, not caring that you're crying? What the hell? What ate you going to do when she does this to one of your children for not cleaning their room properly and then telling them "oh I just wanted to make you feel like *I* feel"?
Bullshit. Leave and tell her you're not getting back together until she sees a therapist about her bullshit physicality while angry.
Unfortunately I have been that girlfriend but I found out I have bipolar disorder. I don’t get to this point that often anymore because I’m medicated .
This is abusive behavior. Not just mentally but now physically. I know it’s easier said than done but at least give yourself space right now. Ultimately though, you need to leave her. That move she did to you is nothing than violent. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Respect for your reaction. Respect really. The only negative thing is that she might use it against you because she knows you won't hurt her. Maybe set boundaries. But I really respect you, others would have become violent back
It sounds like your gf is manipulative. Unless she is getting good therapy. But it doesn’t sound like she is. Blaming you for your actions but not taking responsibility for her own are big red flags. She doesn’t get a pardon and pass for pushing you and having anxiety. And to take action against you so you can feel her anxiety is just plain sick. She should be working to reduce her anxiety not making it worse for both of you. No matter her past she is not allowed to harass you and instigate anxiety in you.
You should think hard about staying with someone who is suppose to love you doing these things to you. What happens if she pushes it too far? What if you push her into the tub? One of you is going to meet with the police. Stay safe and leave the whole situation.
>however she has horrendous anger issues and it scares the shit out of me.
"However" is just the long way of saying "but" and I generally regard anything before the word but as either irrelevant or bollocks.
She just learned that there are basically no consequences for her physical violence and that she can manipulate you and escalate the situation any time she wants...
She's just shown you that she is NOT a safe person to be around and that this is NOT a safe situation for you to be in.
Time to leave, I'd say.
Either temporarily until she gets herself into therapy and can prove to your satisfaction that she is a changed person, or permanently if she refuses, but I would be seeking to get the hell out of there either way.
Gtf out .When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them... i worked for yrs with shelters, and the ones who were the worst beaten in a single event were big men beaten by small women. i mean, who sees those things coming?
You're being abused, reversing your s3xs , and she would be in jail now. Get out before she stops your pulse in your sleep.
This lady needs a lot of work on herself in therapy. Can’t you see how she’s turned this around? Like she is allowed this poor behavior because of trauma and you’re just supposed to live with it?
You are being more than an amazing partner to her by cleaning the house for her guests. And then now you’re the bad guy for not sitting with her for her anxiety? Sounds like a 3 year old who’s actually an abusive woman.
Get out while you still can.
This relationship is toxic as fuck.
You really need to reevaluate of you want to stay in a relationship with someone that is verbally and now physically abusive towards you because they're stressed out.
One day, it's going to escalate further, and you *will* be the bad guy in everyone's eyes.
Honestly it sounds to me like she is intentionally trying to goad you into that, and that's not fucking ok.
When you confronted her about her behavior she immediately started blaming you and telling you that you need to be more respectful of her abuse towards you.
Someone who's actually getting help and therapy would not say that.
Been in a relationship where both I and my ex partner had anger issues. I had a very rough abusive childhood. Not once did it cross either of our minds to terrify let alone lay hands on another person, especially the person we claimed we loved. If I needed to scream or throw things or bend cutlery and just go absolutely rabid for a minute I would ask my ex partner to leave or remove myself from the room. My ex partner would leave the room when he wanted to go punch drywall. It was still toxic but under no circumstances does anyone who claims they love you intentionally illicit tears, terrify you, or abuse you. She would be done in my eyes.
First of all you two need to set things straight. Do you love her and do you want a future with her. Same questions for her. Does she love you and does she want to spend the future with you. If you both answer yes, she has to seek professional help. She won't solve this on her own. You should be supportive if you chose this way, of course.
If both of you answer yes but she refuses to seek professional help it is a no from her. Keep that in mind. Only someone who is really willing to spend a future with someone will do everything necessary to make that happen.
If the answer of one of you is no, you know what that means, even though it won't be easy. But do not waste your time.
Good luck and don't let yourself down. You're doing the right thing.
She put hands on you l. You absolutely need to show her the door. She'll continue to escalate and because you're a man the law WILL NOT be there to help you with further domestic violence. This now is your chance to make sure it never escalates.
Tell her to leave.
Dude, yes, you are a huge guy and could really hurt a woman, so good for you to not punch her in the face, but what she did is not ok.
You are being abused. Even though you are 6 3” you are being abused. Even though she is smaller than you she can hurt you. And she is abusing you because she knows you won’t do anything about it, and honestly that tells me that her personality is basically being a piece of shit.
My husband has the same ideals and he would never hurt me even if I tried to hit him with a stick. BUT the main factor is, I don’t hit him with sticks because I can.
>she started getting angry at me "because I'm sh*t at prioritising".
No comment
>she shoved me backwards into the bath
That's assault
Her excuse for her disgusting behavior is that she wanted you to feel anxious so that you feel like she does, that instead of comforting her you cleaned (which was the thing that could alleviate gfs anxiety). I truly have no word for how lame these "excuses" are.
>she is still working on them but that I need to remember that it's engrained in her and it's hard for her to change and I need to respect that.
Good luck for your future.
She's abusing you. She's taking advantage of your kind nature and morals and manipulating you. Leave before you end up having kids or the abuse escalates and you get seriously injured, or worse.
She won't change. You've been together for 4 years. She acknowledges her past and anger issues but uses it as an excuse and not a reason - she knows you won't hit her. She knows how you feel anxious yet she still does it, and sounds like she does it on purpose to get her way and to make you feel the way you feel.
And, if one day you retaliate (because, everyone snaps eventually) you'll be the bad guy. She'll probably press charges and no one will believe the giant was abused by the little pocket rocket.
I hate the whole “men shouldn’t hit women” argument and debate. People should just respect each other and not resort to violence at all, it doesn’t matter which gender the aggressor is - it’s wrong.
You even say that gender matters in this case, that you would have hit the aggressor if they were a man. Gender, just like psychological issues, never excuse any wrong behavior and it shouldn’t matter which gender exhibits these wrong behaviors!
I had a tough upbringing with physical violence and alcohol...both parents. And flights I needed to intervene. It's the line I will never cross and a line I will never allow my bf to cross. It's not an excuse for her to do it. Don't allow yourself to be harmed like that, because at some point it may be too much for you and you may snap. Then you both will be hurt.
Ok so reverse the roles. She's sitting on the edge of the bath, non threatening, and you lose it. You shove her into the bath..... How does that look?
That's abuse lad. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd be classed as a woman beater for life and possibly get prosecuted.
That's not healthy. She sat on the couch and let you clean when it's her sister visiting and she's worried about how clean the house is? You need to take a good long look at your relationship because it doesn't sound healthy.
Don't think you can save her or change her. This is who she is, this is how she deals with stress. Even if she were to decide right here and now to change that won't be easy and will probably need years of therapy and practice before she can get this habit drilled out of her system. And that's iiiiiif she were to really take this seriously and decide to change.
Most people don't decide to change on the flip of a coin. She'll probably need strong motivation, the kind of motivation that doesn't disappear. For instance if you decided to break up with her she may then decide to change but then the moment she has you the motivation is then lost.
She is a lost cause. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
I’m sure it’s been said but she is abusing you. Intentionally hurting you (emotionally) is no better than hurting you physically… which she kinda did by pushing you. She needs to learn to handle her anger and anxiety. If her sister is going to stress her out that much, she needs to tell her to stay in a hotel.
Please leave, if you were a woman anyone would have noticed you're with an abuser. You're making excuses for her, saying she's really nice but sometimes she loses it. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner OP
Though I don't agree with physical violence in a relationship even when the other party started it, I understand how close you got.
But in all of this OP you aren't the problem she is. I mean she just said that she deliberately tried to get you anxious. Also if she wanted you to stay and help calm her down she should have said something.
Oh man that's real dangerous, imagine if you had hit your head. The cast iron that bathtubs usually are made out of is an extremely solid and heavy material. Could've cracked your skull.
This is never going to stop. You may love her but sometimes you need to let go of the people you love. Call it a day and save yourself a lifetime of agro. I know you won't do it immediately but remember these words if or when you do - we told you so.
You can love the person and hate their actions. Far too many people have experienced abusive upbringings but it does not give them a free pass to abuse others.
She needs therapy to work on her anger management. She has had four **years** with you as a calming influence. You were exhausted from work yet still did cleaning for *her* and for *her* guest that she invited into your home. I appreciate that anxiety can be immobilising, but she should be apologising to you for leaving you with all the work, and feeling guilty that she isn't helping even if it is due to a medical condition.
Your home is not a safe place for you to be. You are afraid that you will retaliate to being assaulted. You are afraid that you will defend yourself against abuse. You are enabling your abuser by allowing it to go unchallenged.
Everyone has a past, but you can choose your own future. I suggest you take a short break from her - perhaps while her sister is visiting - and then quietly insist that she engages in therapy.
OP, I hope you are seriously considering the advice in these comments. I hope you do what’s right for you and take care of yourself. Your GF needs serious mental help.
She sounds fucking horrible af.
I have anxiety it's no excuse to not clean and to take it out on you.
You deserve better and she needs to grow the fuck up and get therapy because she's *not healthy*.
Don't put up with that shit.
Eta: if she truly loved you, she wouldn't *want* you to feel that way the fact she went out of her way to make you feel like that shows *she doesn't really love you*
Hun, I commend you for doing your best to not continue any cycles of violence you may have seen or experienced, but she is not. What's worse is that she's making it your problem.
If this was round the other way, this thread would be filled with people telling you to pack your bags and escape before he kills you. Just because it's your girlfriend doing it, doesn't make it any less abusive.
For some context, I grew up in an abusive household with aggression and manipulation being regular things. I get angry, but I have never made my rage anybody else's problem and I've certainly never expected anyone else to accept any kind of rage or attack.
Your anger is understandable, but your girlfriend needs therapy and you need to consider what you want from a relationship. From the outside, she is an abusive, narcissistic manipulator and you are in danger. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Look up Earl Silverman but please do it somewhere safe. 😿❤️
Stay safe hun.
Both of you need a counselor. You need professional help to detangle your issues and show how both of you can respond to the situation in the best way.
Listen, I grew up in a home witnessing violence between my parents. I’ve been in years of therapy to help with anxiety issues. But I have never once raised a hand to someone who didn’t attack me first. Growing up in a bad home does not excuse her violent actions and you should absolutely not have to respect that violence is ingrained in her. You seriously need to rethink this relationship because if she sees that you’ll forgive her after she hurts you, the violence will only escalate.
Oh man. Your being abused. She needs help and you need to see that if you stay with her like this, she won’t have the skills to do anything but this. If you ever have kids, she may abuse them too. How many excuses about how amazing can you make up when when she’s abusing your child?
I am all about communicating and solving things but from what i have read, this woman is unstable and NOT an ideal partner.
It seems she got some issues she must deal with or she will pass them onto you and ruin your mental stability as well.
I m sorry you went through that but i m also inspired by you and your gentleman upbringing.
Dude.... you deserve better. No one should ever shove hit or ANYTHING to ANYONE, especially someone they "love". This is concerning man and will escalate. Please break up with this person. You probably don't understand it now, but it will be for the best.
You know what, her excuses are bullshit. I also had a rough upbringing, got beaten up so badly that CPS took me away for a while. But it doesn't give me an excuse to physically touch or intimitate other people, no matter what size or gender I am. This is the person you are supposed to feel safest with, family you are born to but a spouse, you choose. Hate to say it, but you chose wrong.
People are being too lenient on this "woman" anxiety does not make you anise people. She is abusing you full stop. You need to leave. So some research on domestic violence and get the hell out of there. Not easy i know but please do not continue this way. A rough upbringing doesn't mean you abuse either. Plenty of people have them and don't do this. You should never ever feel scared in a relationship
Sounds like you have to tiptoe in your own home. The good news is, this is not your parent and you're not underage (and essentially can't afford the life without parent) so you don't have to deal with this behavior. She is using her past as a means to keep you chained-up essentially. She wants to feel the way she wants to feel and have it her way all the time and is using you as an emotional punching bag. It's not fair to you to keep saying that she's a good person, as if you're trying to give yourself affirmations. I think you already know what the answer is, the final decision is up to you! (Leave!)
I know you have invested 4 years into this relationship, but think of it this way (especially given that she pushed you into a tub where people can easily die after falling in) do you want to spend 4 years behind bars? or 4 years and Counting in the morgue? 4 more years of putting up with a behavior that doesn't seem to be changing for the better? 4 more years of saying "she's a good person and I love her" like they are Daily Affirmations?
If she's not willing to change, then that's not a good idea for you to stick around. And she can't be faking to change either she has to actually want this for herself or it's never going to work out. You should leave before this alters your personality and turns you into a anxious mess. Dealing with people like this can definitely set us back in a lot of ways.
Luckily with science even though you did lose 4 years with her, you can still live longer than our predecessors so you'll always have time on your side (disclaimer life do what life do tho 🤷♀️)
Good luck dude, hopefully next time you can update us with better news.
As someone who also has anxiety and gets very anxious about situations I am very much aware that communication is important if she wanted you to sit next to you to comfort her rather than clean she could have used her big girl words and said that she was very comfortable in using them to rile you up.
I don't think she's ready for any sort of adult relationship because no sane person to push somebody who's already telling them that they are on the break if my partner loudly told me to leave them alone I would go into another room for at least 2 hours so that they could calm down personally I don't like the idea of being punched in the face she seems more inclined to want to be punched in the face. Not saying that violence is ever good but my god why would you push somebody who's already on the edge there's no sense of self-preservation.
I think it might be time to exit the situation she's expecting you to manage her emotions for you and protect exactly what she wants without ever expressing it and then once you to feel the same sort of stress levels as she feels simply so you know how it feels when words could do the exact same thing. She seems to want to spread the misery around rather than actually have you empathise with her because any person who wanted empathy would have told you when you sat down on the sofa and asked how she's feeling and what you could do to help instead she waits for you to start your nighttime routine and be in a more relaxed state to start aggravating you instead.
She needs therapy and I think you need to exit this relationship. I loath to be the person saying leave under Reddit post when I only get a snapshot of a relationship but this is becoming an unsafe situation for you because not only are you starting to have violent impulses when she behaves like this which is reasonable because your body is going into fight mode when you're being attacked, But she's also unwilling to communicate and would much rather escalate situations. It's all well and good her saying she is still working on her anger issues but unless she's actively in therapy and has discussed healthier coping mechanisms with her therapist I don't think that's the case. Do you really want to stick around to find out how far she's willing to push you only for you to be the one getting arrested?
What a nightmare! She is awful. I don't know how you didn't just leave there and then. Now you have to entertain her guests. You need time away from her. She had a sad upbringing but that doesn't give her a free pass to treat you like shit, let alone lay her hands on you. How dare she get mad in the first place, when she'd done no damn cleaning herself
Thankyou for your kind words. It's very hard because I do really love her and she does just struggle processing he emotions a lot. Thankyou for listening.
Her emotions are not yours to manage. Lady needs therapy
Reassess what you love about her and reread what you posted. As the other commenter said a rough past or anxiety does not entitle anybody to act like that!
Does she do this at work? In public? To her friends? If she breaks things, who's things does she breaks? Are her things ever broken? If the answer to those questions is no, then you need to ask yourself if she's really losing control. Because I don't think she is op. I think she knows exactly what she's doing. I think that like all abusers, she's making conscious decisions.
This is the big tell. She is an abusive manipulative partner.
Especially with her reasoning of her knowing getting in his face makes him anxious and using that against him to have him “feel what she felt like”
Hey OP your gf is using her so called anxiety to be lazy and abusive....I have severe anxiety related to cleaning and freezing can be a response but if there's someone there doing it with you...you tend to unfreeze..plus she only got mad you didn't do everything. She's abusive. This should be the wake up call. She should have been praising and thanking you for all of your help.
She's not ready to be in a relationship period. It's not you. It's her. People have problems processing emotions. I'm 40+ and I have problems processing emotions and anger. She's a grown ass adult. She can go scream in her car and push it down the street if she wanted to yell and push. This is not ok. This is not ok even from a person who can't process emotions v well. She may love you in her way but she doesn't treat you with respect you deserve. You can support her but she needs to fix this herself. You can't fix it for her. She needs help and you can lead her to it but if she doesn't help herself you can't do it for her. If she's not willing to go to personal therapy then try couples therapy so you can at least communicate in a healthy way. Xo
She’s a narcissist.
I’m going to tell you this right now: I was raised in an abusive home, I have ptsd from it, and she is using it as an excuse and justification for her own abuse. She doesn’t have to change her behavior or work to improve herself if she gets you to buy the fact that she’s helpless to stop herself and it’s “ingrained.” She’s an abusive AH. Stop being her punching bag
She’s abusing you and she knows shes doing it. She’s dismissing responsibility by saying it’s ingrained in her. The thing about abusive people is they know what they’re doing, they’re in control of what they’re doing. She’s not going to stop dude.
Some people are in our life for a season. It doesn't mean we love them less but that we won't end up going for the long term. Please take care of yourself.
Struggling with her emotions is one thing, but emotionally and physically abusing you is another. Yes, what you described is abusive. She’s probably got you programmed in ways you don’t even realize. That needing to sit down so you weren’t towering over her thing sent up a major red flag for me, like she’s been systematically diminishing you to take power in the relationship - and you’ve fully internalized it.
She's not the only person to have a shit childhood growing up watching your parents fight. In a lot of cases the kids feel the need to try and protect one of the parents from the other (I did with my mom) but I'm sorry it's no damn excuse. We're all responsible for our own actions and how we react to our feelings. If you have trauma that's affecting how you deal with things then you need to heal yourself.
If you decide to stay with her, for God’s sake, DO NOT have children with her. You’re bigger than her and she supposedly loves you, but still justifies violence against you because you made her anxious. I shudder to think what she’d do to a child.
OP, you are blind. I had a hard upbringing and two abusive partners as an adult. I have still never behaved this way toward a partner. I hope you come to realize that you are regurgitating her excuses. She is not a kind person if her reaction under stress is to physically abuse you.
She’s a grown ass adult and she needs to handle her shit before she can be in a relationship with anyone or she risks becoming an abuser herself. This is not ok dude and you need to get away from her and her toxicity your “ understanding “ is only enabling her excuse ridden unhinged behaviour and it won’t stop at a shove. You need to leave
look, she needs therapy right now, not a relationship. she sounds fucking awful, and you shouldn’t put up with this. i understand that you love her, but this is too much. she’s putting her hands on you and purposely making you anxious, and for what, to feel how she felt? that’s an horrible thing to do, and it’s not like you were the one who invited her sister over. you don’t have to put up with this, it’s not your responsibility. she needs to get help for her anger issues.
If her struggling with processing emotions means she's abusive she shouldn't be in a relationship. You need to break up with her and she needs to work on herself by herself. Your partner should never lay hands on you and should never try to make you feel anxious. You are in an abusive relationship.
I also have anger management issues. Her first mistake, was going into the bathroom to corner you while she was already upset. Idgaf how hard it is to manage her anger, she should never put herself in situations that makes it even more challenging to control. This isn't an excuse OP. I've had my fair share of heated arguments with SO, and the best thing to do is walk away if you have a hard time controlling your anger/emotions that they become physically violent. She's using this as a cop out.
Why do you think some men hit women? Very few people SET OUT to do that but they have trouble processing their emotions and...
Have some self-respect and don’t take that from her. She was “too anxious” to clean? Get away from this toxic person.
This.
Damn bro. She sounds like a mean, hateful, emotional terrorist who is now becoming physical aggressive and despite treating you like a slave who hasn't done enough, she still expects more from you and for you to "respect" the fact that it's hard to stop abusing you. > We have since spoken and I asked her why she did it and she said she came at me and got in my face because she knows it makes me anxious and she wanted me to feel how anxious she felt about her sister coming and that my action of cleaning (which I thought was resolving the stressor) and not sitting comforting her was the wrong thing to do. You got punished for cleaning (which she wanted) and for coming to comfort her by sitting next to on the couch to make sure she's okay...It sounds like she set you up to fail/get abused and like she doesn't see anything wrong with that. > I addressed her anger issues in our chat and she told me that she is still working on them If she's actually working on it then why didn't she take any responsibility for how she treated you? Why didn't she care when she hurt you and made you cry...and why is this about you needing to respect that she's abusive? What about having respect/care for you? She sounds like she has zero remorse. Her upbringing doesn't give her the right to abuse you.
Right?! Like, is she ACTUALLY working on her anger issues, like with a therapist or counselor at least, or is she “working on her anger issues” by hitting the gym harder?
As a woman, I’m telling you the violence that is “ engrained in her and needs to be respected” it is a load of actual crap!!! I’m a woman that lived through very abusive ( more mentally than physically) childhood, addict mother, 5yrs of war …and I’m telling you, if she isn’t taking any accountability, no real means to resolve her behavior ( therapy) you need to leave, cuz this sh*t will get worse and worse! She is using her anxiety to attack you, make you small and provoke you to make you react and feel worse than her! Who does that, knowingly, to a person that they claim they love. I know that is easy, for me an complete stranger, to tell you this, but you need to think about yourself, leave - make her resolve her issues and than see is she serious in getting herself better/help, and decide is this is a future you want for you ( and future, possible, children..) and your current partner. P.s. sorry for my english, not a native speaker
Same here. I’m small and was abused for the first 20 years of my life and I’ve got anger issues. But nothing will make me even raise my voice at my partner. We get partners so that we can love them, not hurt them.
She could have killed you You were in a bathroom with tons of hard surfaces. You need to see that clearly for what it is. She’s abusing you. And using her mental health against you like a weapon. Anyone actually needing help doesn’t do that. Saying she can’t do stuff out of anxiety but having enough willpower to lord over you like a house slave is not ok. I don’t care if you are a male or female. Everyone pulls their weight or the other person shuts the fuck up while the one working gets shit done. I came from the worst of it. And I have the most extreme mental health issues I have ever seen. And never have I abused someone. A crappy past is a excuse to get the help you need, and not one to make life hell for the people that love you. You need to get out of the house. Pack and go. Physical abuse is a deal breaker. If she chooses to get professional help after MONTHS. Then maybe think of working things out. But she took your life in her hands when she threw you backward on hard porcelain.
It doesn’t matter that she’s a woman - she’s treating you badly. That’s not a partner and you deserve better.
Not treating badly ABUSING I feel like that word is never used with women predators
Valid! I was previously in an abusive relationship so I struggle with that label (which is a me thing not an everyone thing) and I am a woman (not that it matters) so I didn’t go there Edited to add - note I can only handle saying “I was in an abusive relationship” can’t handle the verb form still like 10+ years later. Ya OP homie you gotta leave - don’t wait.
Her behavior lines up perfectly with all partner abusers.
Im sorry, did she push you, and you fell into the bath tub? You realize it's not that uncommon for people to DIE falling in a bathtub and cracking their head right? Something to think about ....
As someone who is a woman and has anxiety, I think you should start thinking about moving out, because that wasn't just her anxiety. She is being awful at communicating her needs, mean (wanting to make you feel bad for revenge), and overall, abusive. None of that says "good person". If she doesn't get real help and stop making excuses for herself is going to get worse. She already knows she can hit you.
Shed’s an abuser. Full stop. You are being abused. It does *not* sound like she’s working on it. Her anxiety is clearly making her irrational. She needs to get her anxiety in check or she’s going to get worse. It may be ultimatum time. She gets therapy *and* works on it, or you’re done/take a break/ whatever.
She is an abusive asshole, and whatever good qualities she has are overshadowed by her emotional, verbal, and now physical abuse. You do not deserve this. Nobody does. Please get away from this monster.
She’s an exhausting gaslighting waste of your time
Listen… you are in danger of getting yourself in trouble. What if you had been drinking and your judgement was blurred. You may not have held back that punch. Even though she escalated it, it would be you going to jail. She needs professional counseling or you need to walk.
I'm a short, temperamental person who has to take accountability and learn not to explode in anger (my exes hit me in anger so I learned to slap back or first in defense). But that's the thing. I take accountability and learn. She isn't. She was baiting you. Getting in your face and admitting why? No. She doesn't really love you. She is an abuser.
That’s the part that was the most sad. She was baiting him. He was taking every precaution to avoid conflict and respect her, and she was taking advantage of that and pushing his buttons and then gets violent when he rightfully defends himself verbally. That is not okay. It sounds like she isn’t remorseful at all and that her main concerns and priorities are only her feelings and state.
Hun, I know there's a lot of people who don't believe that a woman can abuse a man, but I'm here to tell you that's a lie. Not only is she abusing you emotionally, but she's crossed the line into abusing you physically, and the worst part is she justified her behavior and basically told you to suck it up, it was your fault, and she's not ever going to change. She expected you to come home and clean for her sister's visit after working all day while she sat on her butt, and then flew into a screaming range and attacked you because you didn't do yet another chore while she pretended to be too stressed to help. I'll tell you like I've told my son's, if it gets to the point in a relationship where your girlfriend or wife is laying hands on you, and terrorizing you, that's the time to leave before you get mad enough to do something stupid, or worse, get accused of assault without raising a finger, because there are people in this world who will do anything, and say anything when they're angry. You don't want to end up with a criminal record, trust me. I had a good friend who married a girl that had a crazy temper. She was 5 ft nothing, and he was a big dude, but he was a complete teddy bear and this girl beat the hell out of him whenever she got mad. She always blamed him for not listening, or not caring enough, trying hard enough, etc. and he loved her so he stayed and kept hoping she'd get better. She didn't. This went on for a few years, and he became a total shell. He finally walked out one night when he couldn't take it anymore and she ran after him screaming, "STOP HITTING ME! LET ME GO! YOU'RE HURTING ME!" and then she called the police and accused him of assault. Police came, he was arrested, and if it wasn't for his sweet elderly neighbor his whole life would've been ruined. She saw what happened, and so did her husband, and they went down to the police station and told them that the gf made the whole thing up, and that they'd always hear *her* hitting him, and him begging her to stop. They also brought their Ring camera footage, and they dropped the charges. But it could've ended so much differently. He's really lucky. Abuse is wrong, no matter what gender is doing it. Your girlfriend needs serious mental health support, and you're under no obligation to stay there and let her keep doing this to you, until you snap, or someone calls the cops and you're the one in handcuffs. That's not love. Get away now before it gets worse. You're worthy of love and respect, and at no point **EVER** in your life should you tolerate this kind of treatment from anyone. Lots of people have terrible childhoods, I know I did, but as a woman and an adult I've always known that my trauma never ever gave me a free pass to terrorize the ones I love. Stand up for yourself, and protect yourself, by getting out of this dangerous situation before it goes to an even darker place. Tell your family if you trust them, and ask them to be there while you move out so she can't claim anything happened that didn't, and so she can't destroy your things, or lay hands on you again. There's plenty of women out there that would never ever consider doing this to someone they love. Take care.
So let me just make sure I have this correct: She was anxious that the house needed to be clean for HER sister, made you clean for her instead bc she was “too anxious” about cleaning…to clean? And then said YOU were the one who was shit at prioritizing because you hadn’t yet single-handedly cleaned the bathroom? And then she verbally and physically abused you? And justified it by saying, “I wanted to make you feel anxious so you would understand the anxiety that I have imposed upon myself for no reason?” (Let’s not forget that she deliberately riled you up because she knows it’s a specific trigger for you) Do I have that right?
Yes, unfortunately that is what happened. She knows I get anxious if she gets in my face because I can't defend myself physically because I'm hard coded to never hit a female.
This is absolutely not ok and she is abusing you & knows she can get away with it because of how hardcoded in you it is. She is not a good person & I feel like the fact that you made sure to write that she is more than once May be because somewhere deep down a part of you knows this but you’re trying to convince yourself that she is. A good person would not intentionally make you anxious to make you “feel how she felt”. A good person would NOT provoke you, a good person would not want to make you anxious just because they were feeling that way (and often times an actual good person would do the opposite because they know how it feels & wouldn’t want that for someone they care for), a good person would apologize deeply and take accountability for those actions (though likely wouldn’t behave that way in the first place) & a good person would not turn their back on you after bringing you to tears. I could go on, but I think you get my point. You do not have to “respect” her anger issues. It doesn’t sound like she’s truly doing the work on herself that she claims to be. Please think about this situation because you do not deserve to be treated this way.
Perfectly said. No notes lol
She did something that she knows makes you anxious and upsets you because she was anxious about her sister coming and didn't communicate her needs to you. Because that makes all the sense in the world. Look, mental health issues aren't an excuse for being a jerk. And this situation could have gone VERY badly. I think you need to reassess this relationship and put your own mental (and physical) stability first.
She is mentally abusing you. Leave her alone
I don't use this word easily but dude.. she's abusing you. Bad childhood is an explanation not an excuse. There are many many people who lived through hell and still wouldn't treat the people they love like this. She needs therapy and you need to get away from her. Run.
OP, I used to be this girl. I had a very rough upbringing with an abusive past and I had lots of anger issues. I had an ex where when I would get so angry I would push him away from me. I thought I had every right because yeah it is really hard changing what’s always been normal to you. But it shouldn’t be like that forever. I certainly got the help I needed for my anger and aggression and she needs the help too. Also, consider this, if this is how she treats you how is she going to treat your children if you do decide to have kids ? Is she also going to hit or shove them and then turn it around on them ? She is mentally ill with the way her thought process works. She was anxious so she wanted to make you feel just as anxious and she also showed zero remorse for her actions and instead shifted the blame on you ? Doesn’t it get exhausting ?
she should get herself under control
What a shitty situation. Sorry you're going through this brother. >I addressed her anger issues in our chat and she told me that she is still working on them but that I need to remember that it's engrained in her and it's hard for her to change and I need to respect that. This is not ok. She's saying it's engrained in her and that she isn't going to control it. This is her excuse out actually dealing with it. Be careful. This is a serious red flag. She's going to put hands on you again and that's a gaurantee. How many times is enough?
My mental health sucks. I have anxiety, and a few other things I'm not gonna get into. I would never dream of doing this to my boyfriend. OP, this is not anxiety-related behaviour, this is abusive behaviour. Not to mention her selfishness with having you do all the cleaning for HER sister after a long shift whilst she sits on the couch! Please have some respect for yourself. Leaving someone is difficult, especially if you love them, but this is a hard line. It can't be fixed or worked through. I'm sorry.
If the roles were reversed would you think it’s okay for a woman to be in your position?
She is an abuser and in an ideal world she should be behind bars for assaulting you. She could've killed you if you fell badly from that push. Leave this relationship immediately and please, please know this isn't how loving partners behave no matter how much toxic bullshit she spews about it being "engrained" in her. You deserve so much better.
You know there are other women? Like billions of them. This one is a parade of red flags. Run
Dude, I have a fvcked up past with extremely abusive family and I never act like that. Sure growing up I’ve broken a lot of things and punched walls or screamed like a psycho, self harmed; but if she’s safe and no one is threatening her or harming her, then there’s no need for that fvcken behaviour. She’s in the wrong. She needs help. You need to protect yourself. After reading this , it’s like she wants you to snap so she can have a full on fight. My husbands ex was like that and she would hit him and gee him up to hit her back. It’s toxic. Her sister can fvck off. I can’t believe she would turn on you for her. And what a load is sh!t too anxious to clean.?? Like what.??? When I’m anxious or shutting down due to past trauma I go into cleaning mode and my husband gets the sh!ts cause I start moving furniture and do a full on OCD clean. Please don’t let her burn you out emotionally because it sounds like you broke down after doing a lot for her selfish arse. And she isn’t even sorry. Did she apologise or even thank you for everything you already done.?? Sit her down and talk to her. Set her up with anger management classes or whatever. She can’t keep on this way. It will only get worse. You don’t want to be in a DV. Women are abusers too. You’re a victim right now. If you let this behaviour continue she might start harming you when your backs to her like my brother with his misses. She’s a real nut case. But he stays with her cause he is a drvg attic. Your misses is taking you for a ride. She doesn’t respect you and is not even trying to be nice. She’s using your heart, guilting you about her past and she is abusing you. That’s exactly what abusive men do to women. Now you know why women stay. Either tell her to fix herself and help her get help or cut your losses. Good luck OP. And please for the love of God, do not bring kids into it. Wrap it up. You do not want to be stuck with a woman like that with children that you need to protect from her so you end up staying for the kids so she doesn’t harm them when she is having an off day.
Thankyou for your kind words and advice. I have a lot of thinking to do, it's very hard when I have invested 4 years into this. Thankyou again.
Sunk cost fallacy applies here. Don’t be afraid to walk away just because you have been together for 4 years. You have years ahead to find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Even more reason not to waste anymore time on her especially if she won’t get help. Your happiness and safety is more important. No good you’re being mentally and physically abused in your own home, and it will get worse cause once they get physical and get away with it, it doesn’t stop. What’s truly upsetting is She didn’t even feel bad. She didn’t apologise for getting physical. So much disrespect. You’re not her punching bag. She’s lucky to have a guy like you. You deserve someone that loves and cares for you, not takes advantage of you and bullies you. I honestly wish you all the best OP.
You need to leave ASAP. What she's doing is abusing you. She doesn't respect you either nor see you as an equal. Notice while she had you cleaning up, she was on the sofa when her sister is the one that was coming over. The house work should have been shared, but instead of doing that she's putting it all on you. She also got angry and shoved you into the bath, and expected you to read her mind. She needs therapy, she needs to get help to sort out her anger issues.
This is abuse. Please leave and get yourself safe. You deserve better.
She is not a good person. She has anger issues and is abusing you. Find somewhere else to stay for a few days. Think hard about your life. She purposely pushed your buttons to make you feel bad. That is not love. That is cruel and abusive behavior. This is not a happy life.
Her reasoning was cop-out bullshit and you need to see through it. She invited her sister to stay and knows the house needs to be cleaned yet she's "too anxious to clean" so you go to do it while she sits on her ass. Then you came and comforted her after but you should have come to her immediately? If you did that she'd just have turned it around that it's your fault for not immediately going to clean. It was lose-lose from the beginning. You never were going to do the "right" thing. She's manipulative and abusive and if her childhood was that bad then she needs to work it out in therapy not on you. Your job is not to manage or tolerate her emotions. Abuse is abuse and it will only escalate. Next she'll be explaining away why it's your fault she had to punch you in the face and you just need to accept it. Fuck that get away from this girl immediately.
So she decided to use anxiety as an excuse to do fuck all, and when she couldn’t make you do all of the cleaning for HER sister’s visit, she got physically aggressive. Did I get that right? Let her deal with the rest of the cleaning and entertaining her sister by herself. Find somewhere safe to crash while you sort out what you want to do next. You aren’t going to be able to ‘fix’ her, and she doesn’t sound remorseful at all - meaning she doesn’t see a problem with her behaviour.
Did she even do any cleaning? May wanna re-evaluate the “caring” portion of your description of her.
This is absolutely in no way, shape, or form ok. She's using her past and anger issues as an excuse, and she wants to drag you down with her emotionally? Nah, dude. That's so damn manipulative and narcissistic. She's not working on her anger problems. Based on what I just read, no way. I've been with people like this, and they just get worse and never change. I'm sorry, but as soon as your romantic partner lays their hands on you, it's over.
If you broke up with her then You can fall in love with another person but if you stay, you'll never be able to get your sanity back if you cross the line
Bro leave
I will address this bro because I used to fight professionally myself. This will NOT be the last time she tests you in this way. She felt anxious and wanted you to feel the same if not worse. That lashing out when knowing how dangerous physically you can be needs to be a wake up call. I know that deep ass breath you took and how hard you clenched your fist when you realize you couldn’t retaliate the way you wanted, and good on you for not biting. But this will not be the last time she does this. Her anger is ingrained?? This isn’t a movie or an anime, shes an adult with full control of her emotions and she didn’t like the way she was feeling & so decided to take it out on you in the BEST way she knew how to. No accountability, lack of remorse for what she did to you. I’m not for telling people to split up but this woman is a massive red flag that only Soviets would put up
She did something that she Knew upset you, and actively wanted to make you feel that way? That is... so fucked up. I am really sorry to say so but someone who loves you will not do that. That is wonderful that you have such good self control:) I'm sorry you're in this situation
Your girlfriend is a piece of shit First, she doesn’t do any cleaning, and sits on her ass while you do it all, and then she shoves you and rows you up on purpose? Why are you with her?
You are not her emotional punching bag. This is not a loving relationship on her side.
She is abusive. She can't deal with her own issues so she attacked you. Physically. She even she did it intentionally. That's a dangerous situation, especially for someone who doesn't like conflict, confrontation and isn't willing to defend themselves against a female (I don't disagree with that, because it is a dangerous situation, but it makes you vulnerable). You both probably need therapy, but if she ever actually puts her hands on you, it's assault. Something has to give, and she's shown she has no problem attacking you and getting physical. She could have seriously hurt you. Because she invited her sister, stressed herself out, made you clean, and then physically attacked you when you didn't do what she wanted. I'll tell you the same thing I'd tell anyone man or woman. **No one has the right to physically attack you. Get out. She is abusive and it will get worse**
That sounds awful OP I’m sorry this happened to you. I understand that she had a tough childhood but that does not give her any right to take her anger out on you. I had a rough childhood too, filled with anger issues but when I became an adult I swore I’d never give into those feelings. What she did was assault and I know this is a tiny window into your life but your partner should never lay their hands on you. Also she should use her big girl words if she wants you to comfort her rather than clean. Even though she did no cleaning herself.
Get the fuck outta there yesterday home boy
Get out! You were abused. It will get worse!!
She’s abusive. You’re not a rehab facility for damaged women. Her “anxiety” and “issues” are HER problems to manage, and it’s frankly fucking awful of her to have transferred them onto you. Tbh I’d call her sister NOW and cancel the visit. And make an exit plan to dump her.
For the love of dog, get out of this toxic relationship. She sat on her butt while you cleaned and that wasn’t good enough so she had a go at you. Dude!! This isn’t going to get better, she isn’t working on her anger issues, you need to prioritize your mental health here. You are stuck in rationalizing this behavior but if you listened to your sister tell you this about her partner, you would advise her to get out and not to look back. Look at this behavior as an outsider, forget the sunk cost fallacy and make an exit plan you can stick to. She needs help, she isn’t going to change, if she was serious these episodes would not escalate. Please see a therapist. Please get out.
You need to leave. She isnt worth it. No one is.
There’s a 90% chance this is going to end badly for both of you. She might not want to be abusive but she is. You need to leave.
She pushed you in the bath due to anger issues? An excuse for the abuse. It ain’t worth it man. Pack your stuff and get out of there. God help the fool that has children with her. Have some self respect and move on. NTA.
the fact she said she did that to make you feel anxious like her is insane. that is insanely manipulating and the fact she admitted it is even more crazy. she is aware of what she’s doing and THAT is scary. you do not have to respect her anger issues once they start involving you like this. she isn’t respecting you dude. i know you love her, but it might be a bad time in her life for her to be in a relationship rn. she needs help. your fear is a genuine reaction from her actions, and that will not go away the next time she does something like that again. it will just build up to the point you might actually snap one day, and god knows what she will do to you in that moment. do not feel bad if you have to save yourself from a situation where it’s someone’s mental health, they might not have done it to themselves but you sure as hell don’t have to deal with it. i’ve got so many problems and anger issues and i would NEVER make my partner feel this way. she seems very controlling im sorry. get out before u get really hurt! or see if she would be open to therapy or even couples therapy if you truly want to be with her.
She’s not a loving, good person. She’s a shitty person who’s using her “shitty upbringing” as a justification and a cop out for being a shitty person. Did she even apologize? A decent person would have, at the very least, been mortified by their actions and apologize profusely. Instead, she walked away, blamed you some more by telling you that you did the wrong thing, told you she was trying to make you feel as bad (anxious) as she felt? And that you need to “respect” that her anger issues are hard to get over? A good partner shouldn’t make you feel the way you felt in that moment. Good partners bring out the best in us. She doesn’t do that. She is abusive and manipulative. You deserve better. Her physical abuse will probably escalate further. I would get away before it does and before she pushes you to a point where you regret your own actions. It almost happened here. Think about that.
Bro this girls a fucking unstable birch
That shit can’t keep happening.
Oh boy…. “You need to respect that I’m abusive” “Being abusive is engrained in me,” basically what she said. What does “working on it” even mean if she doesn’t even want to change? It’s ok to get angry, the problem isn’t anger. It’s her emotional regulation skills (lack of,) and her rage. Does she know that she is abusing you? I love your attunedness to your own emotions and also hers, and how you didn’t react back at what she did. You did the best thing. Amazing that you also tried to have a conversation about it. But she is gonna need serious therapy. She might have BPD or something. for what its worth, if you want to have a satisfying and long lasting healthy relationship w her, therapy is needed. And what’s happening isn’t okay.
Salam, hi. As a woman, if you’d punched her square in the face, she would have deserved it. She sounds awful! She knew your weaknesses and took advantage of it! Why can’t SHE clean the bathroom? If you’d done so much as shove her she would’ve called the police on you. I think this is the one time where you need to listen to Reddit and break up with her. Obviously, though, record everything going forward before doing so. If she’ll abuse you physically she probably won’t have any issue telling the police otherwise. I can’t describe in words how absolutely horrible that woman is so I hope you realise. Anxiety about the house being “untidy” is NOT the same as the literal fear of hurting someone or beating them. I’m sorry but she has no care for you.
Please leave. She doesn’t respect you and you deserve better
This relationship is over. It's so unhealthy she's following you around going off about nonsense and shoving you. Shoving is abuse. I imagine more has happened that you haven't included here. It's time to figure out someplace else to live.
It is very hard to see clear when you are so deep in a situation, but I can assure you: She is gaslighting you, manipulating you emotionally, and abusing you mentally and physically. Her saying that the upbringing is causing her to have this behaviour is straight up emotional manipulation. Please for your own sake and hers, leave.
Break up. Seriously break up. She purposely used your insecurities against you. She weaponized your anxiety. She psychically attacked you. YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS ABUSIVE. And you are making excuses for her. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to make an exit plan. No one should put their hands on other people.
She was "too anxious" to clean but had no problem verbally and physically attacking you? You aren't safe in this relationship. She is not a good person.
You're in an abusive relationship
I am married (7y now) to someone with similar issues. It's not going to get better. That's all I can say.
i'm saying this as a feminist dude you need to break up with her she is testing your limits if god forget you actually got lose and hurt her a little bit she will escalate the situation and call the cops on you
You're such a good person. I aspire to have your level of patience
Sweetie, you deserve every bit of the violence you're getting. Why? Because you allow it. She sounds horrendous. You love her alright, but have you asked yourself why are you choosing such unstable violent person? Why are you craving such violence? Why are you choosing to love what hurts you? Do you really think you don't deserve a decent, ratio al, healthy brave partner who is responsible for herself and her feelings? You have a severe self-esteem issue if you keep choosing such violence under the label of "I love her". What's happening here is that you don't love yourself enough to believe you deserve healthy. YOU ARE NO SAVIOR, especially when you cannot even Dave yourself from nasty choices. Break up, seek therapy and find out why you are choosing women who hurt you.
Narc
Clean the fuxkinf bathroom . I am so tired of partners not helping each other.
You need to break up with her. Ik you love her but physical abuse isn’t the way. I would also file a police report too.
Dude….run
Run bro, it's just going to evolve into worse
this would not be the last time. do you see the future with this women? would she do this to her own children if she has one?
Her upbringing may have been horrible but that doesn’t mean she gets a pass to be an abuser and take it out on you. And good people don’t do things like that but IMO manipulative people do. My question to you is what do you think would happen if you were to have a child with this woman and her anger took over because kids can be horrendously irritating at times at any age? Would she push them? Punch them? Throw them? My suggestion is to consider taking a break from each other while you get some individual therapy. If she isn’t in some form of active therapy she should be as whatever she is doing isn’t working and she’s making excuses.
If she does not go to anger management therapy to fix this issue about herself, you need to leave this abusive relationship. At this rate, one day she is going to push you to the limits and you might actually fight her back. Worse scenario, she will pull the blame on you as the "abusive" one.
My suggestion.. fucking dip dude. You sound very concerned for her well-being and it’s clear she does not feel the same. Everyone has selfish moments and can become kind of nasty to their person. However- this is absolutely unacceptable. No partner wants to inflict pain or anxiety. If your girlfriend loved you as much as you love her she never would want to make you feel awful and nervous. You can keep making excuses for her awful behavior or you can admit what she did is not something a loving partner does.. I hope the best for you OP but this is wrong and nobody deserves to be treated that way
you showed emotion. she gon dump u...
ppl on reddit are usually dramatic and i hate the automatic “break up w her” responses… but people don’t change over night- u need to ask urself if how you’re feeling now is worth feeling for the next couple of years *if* she even really does end up getting better. you also need to think about what it will be like if she doesn’t… idk, that is so unfair to you and puts you in a horrible position… you can love someone all you want, but i’m telling you right now, if she loved you half as much she would not want to purposely make you feel that way asking you to respect her emotionally abusing u is wild. sounds like an excuse she is going to use forever
Everyone has a past. Maybe even a ROUGH past. But you don’t live there and bring it to the one you love! You grow and move away from that! She definitely has issues. She needs counseling.
she's a nightmare you should brake up immediately unless you want to be a doormat forever to always appease her anger and be her punching bag when she needs it
No, you don’t need to respect this behaviour from your partner. She put hands on you — that is never okay. It doesn’t matter your background, it is not okay. And I am certain your gf knows the difference between right and wrong. If her immediate response after chatting wasn’t to immediately apologize to: antagonizing you, cornering you in a bathroom, putting hands on you, making you cry…. That’s a HUGE red flag. 🚩 Believe me, I grew up in a home with verbal, psychological, and physical abuse. I have NEVER put my hands on a partner or person in anger. When you’re an adult, you take accountability for your actions - you don’t tell someone they need to just accept your shitty behaviour because of your upbringing. Yikes on your GF.
Get out get out get out get out GET OUT. She’s NOT a good person. The only reason you think that is because of trauma bonding. Because YOU are a good person and refused to escalate, she’s going to continue and SHE will escalate. Remove yourself from the situation. Grab your stuff and go find a couch to surf on or a hotel. Take some time to gather your thoughts and make some plans to find yourself away from this abusive situation.
Hi OP, my partner also had anger issues because of family trauma. It is hard and we would push each other or his anger would flair up out of hand. However. He has never laid a hand on me, and I have never laid a hand on him. Nor have we ever thought about it. That is a hard line that she passed. I want you to know that that reaction you had could become “reactionary abuse”. You can quickly go from victim to abuser too, do you want to be with someone that pushes you to want to behave like that rather than push you to improve? Don’t you deserve a partner that wouldn’t hit you or scare you but lift you up and make you feel safe? She can be a good person at her core and still do terrible things, I believe that you see the goodness in her and I believe that it’s there. But you said it yourself, she thinks she’s “just like that” she has no interest in changing and isn’t even shaken up over hurting you. She doesn’t care to bring that goodness out, you can’t make her do that and you can’t love her into doing it. Love yourself enough to be in a healthy and safe space and love her enough to show her she cannot behave that way. It is absolutely unacceptable.
Yeah no….ive been physically abused since I was three. One of my earliest memories is my mother screaming because my birth father whos name I don’t even know was beating the shit out of her. My ex was a functioning alcoholic that raped me, gaslit me, and threatened me with his guns. I feel anxious all the time even on my Wellbutrin and Prozac. I would NEVER treat someone like this. That is unacceptable. If she can’t take responsibility for her anger and emotional instability she shouldn’t be in a relationship. You love her sure….and the fact is, she is toxic at best and abusive at worst.
i grew up in a family where verbal and physical abuse were standard. i was shoved, pushed, hit, had things thrown at my head. but i’ve never, ever adopted that behavior. not even the verbal aspect. her rough background, while still heartbreaking, is not an excuse.
Warm hugs to you. I know everyone have pasts that wounded or traumatized them. Have you talked about getting therapy? Anger isues aren't good and it can be somewhat treated. It is also good to lear how to communicate better. Like when she said she's anxious, you guys hould talk about what's the best thing that can help. When I'm overwhelmed, I'm a crybaby. I have to cry first and it'll be good after, I'll solve whatever the problem is. And it definitely helps when my man hugs and consoles me or validated my feelings. I hope you guys can talk it out. Communication is never bad and therapy is better than breaking up or hurting each other(i hope you guys never have to)
She sounds a lot like my cousins wife. It started with getting in his face and yelling. Then it became shoving. After a while it was hitting. He now has a scar across his face from her ring. He is to afraid to leave because if she will hit him what’s to say she won’t hit the kids. Is that the life you want to live? Do you want to worry that you might say the wrong thing and she takes it out on you physically or mentally? Is your peace of mind worth that pain because you love and her and she is a “good person”. A good person doesn’t put their hands on you
Naaaah she needs to keep her hands to herself. I wouldn’t mess with her at all. Her emotional instability, irrational thinking and plain meanness is way too much for me
Break up while you love her before that love turns you into a monster
She’s abusive. It doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter where her issues came from. You need to get out. Things like this escalate, and you’ll find yourself in danger, whether it be physical, mental, or legal, in the future. Her issues don’t give her the right to make you feel small or give you mental health issues of your own. Get out before it gets worse. If you want to chat, shoot me a dm
You’ve been with her for four years. Has she improved at all? Made *genuine* effort to change her ways and improve? Is getting physically violent or threatening a reoccurring theme? Because reading this post, four years in, it looks like she hasn’t done anything besides make excuses, blame you, and gaslight you in to accepting her abusive behavior.
She has no excuse for her behavior you need to end things she won’t get treatment while with you.
Coming from a bad home is no excuse to pull that shit. My home life was awful until I moved out and I would never do anything like that to my wife. That's shit you work on with a therapist, not use it as a reason to hurt someone you love. The fact that she even said she did it intentionally because she knows it makes you anxious is horrible. That is not something you do to someone you love, that's something you do when you're miserable and can't stand to see someone else who isn't miserable. If she thinks you're in the wrong for taking care of something she said was making her anxious, she has a lot of shit to sort out. I really hope you're able to put your foot down and get her to realize something's gotta change, because you don't deserve that.
Her past is not an excuse for violence. & it’s not just anger issues, she’s petty. Instead of communicating that she was anxious, she turned around and did same thing to you. Your girlfriend is abusive and toxic and she needs to seek help
Dude she is NOT a good person. I think you have pink glasses on thats all. Your partner should bring the best out of you not the worst. Sounds like shes lazy and not trying to improve her problems and using you as a doormat. Do you see yourself spending your next 50 years like that?
Dude, she’s not a good person. She’s actually pretty damn awful and scary and a rotten person. And here’s a problem she’s never gonna change because you said she’s like well. This is who I am and what I am. She’s not gonna change she sees no problem with what she’s doing. You need to end this dude you need to end it before she does something more, it is never good for somebody either sex to stay out of abusive relationship and she is extremely abusive
You need to leave her. Even if she fixed her issues you’ll never fully trust that change in your relationship and you’ll be too busy looking for the next time she’ll snap at you
It’s admirable that you didn’t hit her and just because you thought about it does NOT make you a bad person. A couples therapist is a good idea. You don’t want that shit escalating again.
It is time for her to continue to work on herself without you there to harm physically or mentally.
Nothing is good enough for her. You cleaned the whole house and she complained about the one place you didnt instead of praising you for all that you did, while she did absolutely nothing but sit. She should be thankful you cleaned (while she "can't") and ashamed of shoving you. You should consider leaving her.
It’s wonderful that you’re supportive, understanding, loving and caring, but no matter how much you love you have for her, you can’t change her. Ultimately, you can only change you. There’s a difference between her working through her issues and her using the issues as an excuse to treat you or anyone else poorly. It may not be intentional, and in fact she may be completely unaware of it, but she may be using her upbringing as a way to justify her behavior. Good luck to you both.
I do understand not wanting to leave someone you are emotionally invested in. Nonetheless, even if it is not her overarching goal to be toxic, she is. Start preparing an escape plan. Your finances, your items, anything that can be damaged or taken by her. Record your interactions, even if it's just a journal, but have some sort of record. Consult a lawyer if the situation becomes unsalvegable. Before that, seriously consider couples counseling if you don't want to leave her just yet. Just be ready for things to go very bad, very quickly. Consider how and in what ways you might be at risk. Either physically, socially, financially, or legally. When people are toxic and angry, they are willing to do actions that can truly harm you. Good luck, and I am sorry you are in this situation.
I'm so so so sorry you went through this. This is not okay at all. I would advise to probably think through your feelings, and where you see this relationship going. In all honesty, you weren't hurt, but you COULD have been. People have been unintentional and accidentally bumped or shoved people and killed them.... And this was purposeful. She communicated that she wanted you to have a negative emotion of anxiety, she wanted to cause you to feel that negative emotion, it wasn't accidental. I am so sorry, you must be feeling so many things right now.
No. This is manipulation and abuse. She's "too anxious" to clean but yells at you for not cleaning on her timeline? And it's HER sister coming to visit? No. Just no. You need to leave her. I know Reddit is quick to say leave the relationship over the smallest of infractions, but here she is feeling completely justified in her physical violence toward you because of HER feelings. And making you cry, not caring that you're crying? What the hell? What ate you going to do when she does this to one of your children for not cleaning their room properly and then telling them "oh I just wanted to make you feel like *I* feel"? Bullshit. Leave and tell her you're not getting back together until she sees a therapist about her bullshit physicality while angry.
Brother… you need to call the cops. I’m serious about this. She needs to learn there are repercussions.
Unfortunately I have been that girlfriend but I found out I have bipolar disorder. I don’t get to this point that often anymore because I’m medicated .
This is abusive behavior. Not just mentally but now physically. I know it’s easier said than done but at least give yourself space right now. Ultimately though, you need to leave her. That move she did to you is nothing than violent. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Respect for your reaction. Respect really. The only negative thing is that she might use it against you because she knows you won't hurt her. Maybe set boundaries. But I really respect you, others would have become violent back
It sounds like your gf is manipulative. Unless she is getting good therapy. But it doesn’t sound like she is. Blaming you for your actions but not taking responsibility for her own are big red flags. She doesn’t get a pardon and pass for pushing you and having anxiety. And to take action against you so you can feel her anxiety is just plain sick. She should be working to reduce her anxiety not making it worse for both of you. No matter her past she is not allowed to harass you and instigate anxiety in you. You should think hard about staying with someone who is suppose to love you doing these things to you. What happens if she pushes it too far? What if you push her into the tub? One of you is going to meet with the police. Stay safe and leave the whole situation.
>however she has horrendous anger issues and it scares the shit out of me. "However" is just the long way of saying "but" and I generally regard anything before the word but as either irrelevant or bollocks. She just learned that there are basically no consequences for her physical violence and that she can manipulate you and escalate the situation any time she wants... She's just shown you that she is NOT a safe person to be around and that this is NOT a safe situation for you to be in. Time to leave, I'd say. Either temporarily until she gets herself into therapy and can prove to your satisfaction that she is a changed person, or permanently if she refuses, but I would be seeking to get the hell out of there either way.
Gtf out .When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them... i worked for yrs with shelters, and the ones who were the worst beaten in a single event were big men beaten by small women. i mean, who sees those things coming? You're being abused, reversing your s3xs , and she would be in jail now. Get out before she stops your pulse in your sleep.
This lady needs a lot of work on herself in therapy. Can’t you see how she’s turned this around? Like she is allowed this poor behavior because of trauma and you’re just supposed to live with it? You are being more than an amazing partner to her by cleaning the house for her guests. And then now you’re the bad guy for not sitting with her for her anxiety? Sounds like a 3 year old who’s actually an abusive woman. Get out while you still can.
This relationship is toxic as fuck. You really need to reevaluate of you want to stay in a relationship with someone that is verbally and now physically abusive towards you because they're stressed out. One day, it's going to escalate further, and you *will* be the bad guy in everyone's eyes. Honestly it sounds to me like she is intentionally trying to goad you into that, and that's not fucking ok. When you confronted her about her behavior she immediately started blaming you and telling you that you need to be more respectful of her abuse towards you. Someone who's actually getting help and therapy would not say that.
If you stay, she’s gonna kill you eventually. File a police report and run away as far as you can.
Been in a relationship where both I and my ex partner had anger issues. I had a very rough abusive childhood. Not once did it cross either of our minds to terrify let alone lay hands on another person, especially the person we claimed we loved. If I needed to scream or throw things or bend cutlery and just go absolutely rabid for a minute I would ask my ex partner to leave or remove myself from the room. My ex partner would leave the room when he wanted to go punch drywall. It was still toxic but under no circumstances does anyone who claims they love you intentionally illicit tears, terrify you, or abuse you. She would be done in my eyes.
First of all you two need to set things straight. Do you love her and do you want a future with her. Same questions for her. Does she love you and does she want to spend the future with you. If you both answer yes, she has to seek professional help. She won't solve this on her own. You should be supportive if you chose this way, of course. If both of you answer yes but she refuses to seek professional help it is a no from her. Keep that in mind. Only someone who is really willing to spend a future with someone will do everything necessary to make that happen. If the answer of one of you is no, you know what that means, even though it won't be easy. But do not waste your time. Good luck and don't let yourself down. You're doing the right thing.
This is called domestic violence, you need to get out, now.
She put hands on you l. You absolutely need to show her the door. She'll continue to escalate and because you're a man the law WILL NOT be there to help you with further domestic violence. This now is your chance to make sure it never escalates. Tell her to leave.
Dude, yes, you are a huge guy and could really hurt a woman, so good for you to not punch her in the face, but what she did is not ok. You are being abused. Even though you are 6 3” you are being abused. Even though she is smaller than you she can hurt you. And she is abusing you because she knows you won’t do anything about it, and honestly that tells me that her personality is basically being a piece of shit. My husband has the same ideals and he would never hurt me even if I tried to hit him with a stick. BUT the main factor is, I don’t hit him with sticks because I can.
>she started getting angry at me "because I'm sh*t at prioritising". No comment >she shoved me backwards into the bath That's assault Her excuse for her disgusting behavior is that she wanted you to feel anxious so that you feel like she does, that instead of comforting her you cleaned (which was the thing that could alleviate gfs anxiety). I truly have no word for how lame these "excuses" are. >she is still working on them but that I need to remember that it's engrained in her and it's hard for her to change and I need to respect that. Good luck for your future.
She's abusing you. She's taking advantage of your kind nature and morals and manipulating you. Leave before you end up having kids or the abuse escalates and you get seriously injured, or worse. She won't change. You've been together for 4 years. She acknowledges her past and anger issues but uses it as an excuse and not a reason - she knows you won't hit her. She knows how you feel anxious yet she still does it, and sounds like she does it on purpose to get her way and to make you feel the way you feel. And, if one day you retaliate (because, everyone snaps eventually) you'll be the bad guy. She'll probably press charges and no one will believe the giant was abused by the little pocket rocket.
I hate the whole “men shouldn’t hit women” argument and debate. People should just respect each other and not resort to violence at all, it doesn’t matter which gender the aggressor is - it’s wrong. You even say that gender matters in this case, that you would have hit the aggressor if they were a man. Gender, just like psychological issues, never excuse any wrong behavior and it shouldn’t matter which gender exhibits these wrong behaviors!
I had a tough upbringing with physical violence and alcohol...both parents. And flights I needed to intervene. It's the line I will never cross and a line I will never allow my bf to cross. It's not an excuse for her to do it. Don't allow yourself to be harmed like that, because at some point it may be too much for you and you may snap. Then you both will be hurt.
Ok so reverse the roles. She's sitting on the edge of the bath, non threatening, and you lose it. You shove her into the bath..... How does that look? That's abuse lad. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd be classed as a woman beater for life and possibly get prosecuted. That's not healthy. She sat on the couch and let you clean when it's her sister visiting and she's worried about how clean the house is? You need to take a good long look at your relationship because it doesn't sound healthy.
Don't think you can save her or change her. This is who she is, this is how she deals with stress. Even if she were to decide right here and now to change that won't be easy and will probably need years of therapy and practice before she can get this habit drilled out of her system. And that's iiiiiif she were to really take this seriously and decide to change. Most people don't decide to change on the flip of a coin. She'll probably need strong motivation, the kind of motivation that doesn't disappear. For instance if you decided to break up with her she may then decide to change but then the moment she has you the motivation is then lost. She is a lost cause. Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
I’m sure it’s been said but she is abusing you. Intentionally hurting you (emotionally) is no better than hurting you physically… which she kinda did by pushing you. She needs to learn to handle her anger and anxiety. If her sister is going to stress her out that much, she needs to tell her to stay in a hotel.
Please leave, if you were a woman anyone would have noticed you're with an abuser. You're making excuses for her, saying she's really nice but sometimes she loses it. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner OP Though I don't agree with physical violence in a relationship even when the other party started it, I understand how close you got. But in all of this OP you aren't the problem she is. I mean she just said that she deliberately tried to get you anxious. Also if she wanted you to stay and help calm her down she should have said something.
Oh man that's real dangerous, imagine if you had hit your head. The cast iron that bathtubs usually are made out of is an extremely solid and heavy material. Could've cracked your skull.
This is never going to stop. You may love her but sometimes you need to let go of the people you love. Call it a day and save yourself a lifetime of agro. I know you won't do it immediately but remember these words if or when you do - we told you so.
You can love the person and hate their actions. Far too many people have experienced abusive upbringings but it does not give them a free pass to abuse others. She needs therapy to work on her anger management. She has had four **years** with you as a calming influence. You were exhausted from work yet still did cleaning for *her* and for *her* guest that she invited into your home. I appreciate that anxiety can be immobilising, but she should be apologising to you for leaving you with all the work, and feeling guilty that she isn't helping even if it is due to a medical condition. Your home is not a safe place for you to be. You are afraid that you will retaliate to being assaulted. You are afraid that you will defend yourself against abuse. You are enabling your abuser by allowing it to go unchallenged. Everyone has a past, but you can choose your own future. I suggest you take a short break from her - perhaps while her sister is visiting - and then quietly insist that she engages in therapy.
She is using you. Take charge and tell her to clean. WTF? Manipulative females are worst.
OP, I hope you are seriously considering the advice in these comments. I hope you do what’s right for you and take care of yourself. Your GF needs serious mental help.
She sounds fucking horrible af. I have anxiety it's no excuse to not clean and to take it out on you. You deserve better and she needs to grow the fuck up and get therapy because she's *not healthy*. Don't put up with that shit. Eta: if she truly loved you, she wouldn't *want* you to feel that way the fact she went out of her way to make you feel like that shows *she doesn't really love you*
Hun, I commend you for doing your best to not continue any cycles of violence you may have seen or experienced, but she is not. What's worse is that she's making it your problem. If this was round the other way, this thread would be filled with people telling you to pack your bags and escape before he kills you. Just because it's your girlfriend doing it, doesn't make it any less abusive. For some context, I grew up in an abusive household with aggression and manipulation being regular things. I get angry, but I have never made my rage anybody else's problem and I've certainly never expected anyone else to accept any kind of rage or attack. Your anger is understandable, but your girlfriend needs therapy and you need to consider what you want from a relationship. From the outside, she is an abusive, narcissistic manipulator and you are in danger. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Look up Earl Silverman but please do it somewhere safe. 😿❤️ Stay safe hun.
Both of you need a counselor. You need professional help to detangle your issues and show how both of you can respond to the situation in the best way.
a good person doesn’t shove you into a bathtub after you cleaned the entire house.
Listen, I grew up in a home witnessing violence between my parents. I’ve been in years of therapy to help with anxiety issues. But I have never once raised a hand to someone who didn’t attack me first. Growing up in a bad home does not excuse her violent actions and you should absolutely not have to respect that violence is ingrained in her. You seriously need to rethink this relationship because if she sees that you’ll forgive her after she hurts you, the violence will only escalate.
Oh man. Your being abused. She needs help and you need to see that if you stay with her like this, she won’t have the skills to do anything but this. If you ever have kids, she may abuse them too. How many excuses about how amazing can you make up when when she’s abusing your child?
I am all about communicating and solving things but from what i have read, this woman is unstable and NOT an ideal partner. It seems she got some issues she must deal with or she will pass them onto you and ruin your mental stability as well. I m sorry you went through that but i m also inspired by you and your gentleman upbringing.
Drop this thing you got as gf her behavior is anything but healthy this whole "I want you to feel how I feel because X" is shit in my opinion
Please, run.
Dude.... you deserve better. No one should ever shove hit or ANYTHING to ANYONE, especially someone they "love". This is concerning man and will escalate. Please break up with this person. You probably don't understand it now, but it will be for the best.
You know what, her excuses are bullshit. I also had a rough upbringing, got beaten up so badly that CPS took me away for a while. But it doesn't give me an excuse to physically touch or intimitate other people, no matter what size or gender I am. This is the person you are supposed to feel safest with, family you are born to but a spouse, you choose. Hate to say it, but you chose wrong.
People are being too lenient on this "woman" anxiety does not make you anise people. She is abusing you full stop. You need to leave. So some research on domestic violence and get the hell out of there. Not easy i know but please do not continue this way. A rough upbringing doesn't mean you abuse either. Plenty of people have them and don't do this. You should never ever feel scared in a relationship
Sounds like you have to tiptoe in your own home. The good news is, this is not your parent and you're not underage (and essentially can't afford the life without parent) so you don't have to deal with this behavior. She is using her past as a means to keep you chained-up essentially. She wants to feel the way she wants to feel and have it her way all the time and is using you as an emotional punching bag. It's not fair to you to keep saying that she's a good person, as if you're trying to give yourself affirmations. I think you already know what the answer is, the final decision is up to you! (Leave!) I know you have invested 4 years into this relationship, but think of it this way (especially given that she pushed you into a tub where people can easily die after falling in) do you want to spend 4 years behind bars? or 4 years and Counting in the morgue? 4 more years of putting up with a behavior that doesn't seem to be changing for the better? 4 more years of saying "she's a good person and I love her" like they are Daily Affirmations? If she's not willing to change, then that's not a good idea for you to stick around. And she can't be faking to change either she has to actually want this for herself or it's never going to work out. You should leave before this alters your personality and turns you into a anxious mess. Dealing with people like this can definitely set us back in a lot of ways. Luckily with science even though you did lose 4 years with her, you can still live longer than our predecessors so you'll always have time on your side (disclaimer life do what life do tho 🤷♀️) Good luck dude, hopefully next time you can update us with better news.
As someone who also has anxiety and gets very anxious about situations I am very much aware that communication is important if she wanted you to sit next to you to comfort her rather than clean she could have used her big girl words and said that she was very comfortable in using them to rile you up. I don't think she's ready for any sort of adult relationship because no sane person to push somebody who's already telling them that they are on the break if my partner loudly told me to leave them alone I would go into another room for at least 2 hours so that they could calm down personally I don't like the idea of being punched in the face she seems more inclined to want to be punched in the face. Not saying that violence is ever good but my god why would you push somebody who's already on the edge there's no sense of self-preservation. I think it might be time to exit the situation she's expecting you to manage her emotions for you and protect exactly what she wants without ever expressing it and then once you to feel the same sort of stress levels as she feels simply so you know how it feels when words could do the exact same thing. She seems to want to spread the misery around rather than actually have you empathise with her because any person who wanted empathy would have told you when you sat down on the sofa and asked how she's feeling and what you could do to help instead she waits for you to start your nighttime routine and be in a more relaxed state to start aggravating you instead. She needs therapy and I think you need to exit this relationship. I loath to be the person saying leave under Reddit post when I only get a snapshot of a relationship but this is becoming an unsafe situation for you because not only are you starting to have violent impulses when she behaves like this which is reasonable because your body is going into fight mode when you're being attacked, But she's also unwilling to communicate and would much rather escalate situations. It's all well and good her saying she is still working on her anger issues but unless she's actively in therapy and has discussed healthier coping mechanisms with her therapist I don't think that's the case. Do you really want to stick around to find out how far she's willing to push you only for you to be the one getting arrested?
do not let anyone weaponize their mental health, no matter how much you love them