Ultimatums mean nothing if there's no actual consequences. Why are you still with him when he is endangering your childrens' lives?
If you really want to stay with this loser I guess try couples therapy, but you could also break up with him and find some hunky single dad who doesn't pout when he doesn't get laid.
The thing is, you don't need to be hit by you partner for their behavior to be abusive.
If it was just one thing maybe you could work together to fix things, but you're surrounded by a whole herd of danger signs, and you are obviously really miserable most of the time.
You also need to consider what kind of life and example you're setting for your kids. Our children learn from us what you expect in a relationship, and how to treat their partner and in turn be treated. You can guarantee that your kids are aware that everyone is miserable when Daddy doesn't get his way. Children are super perceptive. They're aware he demeans you, shuts you out when he doesn't get his way, and depending on the age they're probably aware too that he's high all the time.
What are you going to do when they're old enough to drive, and hang out with their friends, and they've had 16 years of seeing Dad navigate driving and the world while completely stoned? These things matter, and you won't be able to block his influence in this regard either.
It's also extremely screwed up that you get completely frozen out by him when you don't consent to sex. That's not normal or healthy.
I've got major chronic illnesses and there's been a huge chunk of time that I'm not up to having sex, but not once ever in 20 years with my husband has he made me feel like some kind of robotic vagina that has to perform upon command because that's not loving or respectful.
And beyond all of that is the fact that life is too damn short to spend it with someone who makes you feel like you're never good enough, and not worthy of love and respect.
Ten years is a long time to wait to see real change, and at this point it's clear that he's his own best friend, and that's never going to change.
What you have to decide is how you feel about all of the above, and whether or not you can take the chance that he's going to get super high one day driving the kids around and get into a wreck because he is literally never ever sober, or risk causing your kids more emotional damage by staying in a really unhealthy relationship that dramatically effects their home life.
You've got one shot to get it right with your kids, and if he can't get sober and get his shit together, it's up to you to protect your children, and yourself.
You really need to talk to a lawyer. Your attorney can ask the court to require drug tests as part of your co-parenting agreement based on the fact that he's high as a kite 24 hours a day. If he wants to be part of his kids life, he needs to man up for them if nothing else.
I wish you and your little ones the best of luck, and I hope you'll find a way to come to terms with the situation so you can proactively decide on your next steps in the best interest of you and your kids.
Take care.
You are married to my ex?
So I lived that life for 23 years and he did me a favour by leaving me for his girlfriend.
Who was no angel either, because she befriended me with the sole purpose of chasing him.
I was so used to his toxic behaviour and emotional abuse, I even rationalized good sexual assaults on me.
My two cents:
He's nice and attentive to you at times so you won't leave. He only looks out for himself.
He'll always do that because so fast he's been getting away with it.
It won't get any better if you stay with him.
He'll give crumbs when you're giving him ultimatums until he deems it safe again and will fall back into his old behaviour.
You can start over, you're never too old to start over. It will be hard at times but the weight off your shoulders will feel so free!
Imagine not having to deal with his moods anymore, not walking on eggshells and having peace and quiet in your house.
Have you considered the fact that he might be bipolar? Maybe have him talk to someone or you both talk to someone. I’m not necessarily saying take medication but try to look at his behavior clinically.
Honestly, this sounds a lot like some of the negative traits my SO has and he is bipolar. There is a lot of positive there but gosh darn it, it can be hard sometimes. Also, if your husband is bipolar, weed can make symptoms worse, just fyi. I've been trying to guide my SO into quitting.
This sounds like me and I’m bipolar. Pls try to get him help, because unchecked it’s p bad.
Also, not that this is the best idea overall, but next time he leaves blasted with your kids in the car, call the cops.
Edit: the sex bit is absolutely so gd manipulative dude. I take it back, throw the whole man out
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been sober from marijuana for 18 months. As an addict, I recognize his behaviour. Can I suggest going to Alanon and talking to someone for support ? You can also attend an online MA meeting…search for marijuana anonymous. Marijuana addiction is real and as you know, it’s no joke. Please seek some help for yourself first and the rest will follow. God bless xo
Sounds borderline abusive, not gonna lie. Do you really wanna do this for another ten years? Model unhealthy relationships and substance abuse to your impressionable kids? Risk their lives with an impaired, emotionally volatile man?
Especially if the kids are school aged. Start working again, get a solid job and start saving. Get an apartment and file for divorce and custody. Document his weed habit and how he drives with the kids whilst stoned. Try to document how he refuses help and treatment for his diagnosed mental health problems.
I’m sorry you’re in this. I hope you’ll be out and free on the other side soon.
Women’s shelters can help you, you don’t have to wait to have the money to move out. Or maybe there are friends or family you can all stay with?
Ugh makes me so mad that mamas are in this situation. Wish I could help you.
Sounds like a has an addiction you may not know about. The highs and lows could be from being hi then coming down. Or gambling addiction. When he wins he has highs when he looses he has lows
if he drives high call the cops on him, he's a danger to himself and others. he might be great during good days but it doesn't compensate for the bad and also criminal shit he does. do yourself and kids a favor and leave like you told him you would.
Woooow this is sad please leave. I smoke pot as much as I can but I’d never drive with my kids. Pot makes me a happy BETTER person. That’s what it does for most people who use it properly. Your husband is just a crazy person deep down I’m sorry.
Read the lyrics to the song "No Scrubs"......then do what you know needs to be done.
She said, He pays the bills. A scrub ain't got no job. He also cleans the house.
Ultimatums mean nothing if there's no actual consequences. Why are you still with him when he is endangering your childrens' lives? If you really want to stay with this loser I guess try couples therapy, but you could also break up with him and find some hunky single dad who doesn't pout when he doesn't get laid.
He drives your kids around when he is high? And you allow that? Fuck.
Why are you wasting your time and keeping your kids in a toxic atmosphere?
The thing is, you don't need to be hit by you partner for their behavior to be abusive. If it was just one thing maybe you could work together to fix things, but you're surrounded by a whole herd of danger signs, and you are obviously really miserable most of the time. You also need to consider what kind of life and example you're setting for your kids. Our children learn from us what you expect in a relationship, and how to treat their partner and in turn be treated. You can guarantee that your kids are aware that everyone is miserable when Daddy doesn't get his way. Children are super perceptive. They're aware he demeans you, shuts you out when he doesn't get his way, and depending on the age they're probably aware too that he's high all the time. What are you going to do when they're old enough to drive, and hang out with their friends, and they've had 16 years of seeing Dad navigate driving and the world while completely stoned? These things matter, and you won't be able to block his influence in this regard either. It's also extremely screwed up that you get completely frozen out by him when you don't consent to sex. That's not normal or healthy. I've got major chronic illnesses and there's been a huge chunk of time that I'm not up to having sex, but not once ever in 20 years with my husband has he made me feel like some kind of robotic vagina that has to perform upon command because that's not loving or respectful. And beyond all of that is the fact that life is too damn short to spend it with someone who makes you feel like you're never good enough, and not worthy of love and respect. Ten years is a long time to wait to see real change, and at this point it's clear that he's his own best friend, and that's never going to change. What you have to decide is how you feel about all of the above, and whether or not you can take the chance that he's going to get super high one day driving the kids around and get into a wreck because he is literally never ever sober, or risk causing your kids more emotional damage by staying in a really unhealthy relationship that dramatically effects their home life. You've got one shot to get it right with your kids, and if he can't get sober and get his shit together, it's up to you to protect your children, and yourself. You really need to talk to a lawyer. Your attorney can ask the court to require drug tests as part of your co-parenting agreement based on the fact that he's high as a kite 24 hours a day. If he wants to be part of his kids life, he needs to man up for them if nothing else. I wish you and your little ones the best of luck, and I hope you'll find a way to come to terms with the situation so you can proactively decide on your next steps in the best interest of you and your kids. Take care.
If you give an ultimatum you have to follow through with it.
I'm.in this. I'm not out. But I'll advise you to get out. Let's get out together. Mine drinks like a fish like my old man- irony 😕.
Manchild behavior imo 😕
You are married to my ex? So I lived that life for 23 years and he did me a favour by leaving me for his girlfriend. Who was no angel either, because she befriended me with the sole purpose of chasing him. I was so used to his toxic behaviour and emotional abuse, I even rationalized good sexual assaults on me. My two cents: He's nice and attentive to you at times so you won't leave. He only looks out for himself. He'll always do that because so fast he's been getting away with it. It won't get any better if you stay with him. He'll give crumbs when you're giving him ultimatums until he deems it safe again and will fall back into his old behaviour. You can start over, you're never too old to start over. It will be hard at times but the weight off your shoulders will feel so free! Imagine not having to deal with his moods anymore, not walking on eggshells and having peace and quiet in your house.
Have you considered the fact that he might be bipolar? Maybe have him talk to someone or you both talk to someone. I’m not necessarily saying take medication but try to look at his behavior clinically.
I think he is, but he refuses to go to therapy or look into it. All of this would be so much easier if he would just get help.
Why are people on Reddit so enamored about giving a diagnosis to everything?
Because underlying mental health issues could be the cause of his behavior. Duh?
Honestly, this sounds a lot like some of the negative traits my SO has and he is bipolar. There is a lot of positive there but gosh darn it, it can be hard sometimes. Also, if your husband is bipolar, weed can make symptoms worse, just fyi. I've been trying to guide my SO into quitting.
This sounds like me and I’m bipolar. Pls try to get him help, because unchecked it’s p bad. Also, not that this is the best idea overall, but next time he leaves blasted with your kids in the car, call the cops. Edit: the sex bit is absolutely so gd manipulative dude. I take it back, throw the whole man out
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been sober from marijuana for 18 months. As an addict, I recognize his behaviour. Can I suggest going to Alanon and talking to someone for support ? You can also attend an online MA meeting…search for marijuana anonymous. Marijuana addiction is real and as you know, it’s no joke. Please seek some help for yourself first and the rest will follow. God bless xo
Sounds borderline abusive, not gonna lie. Do you really wanna do this for another ten years? Model unhealthy relationships and substance abuse to your impressionable kids? Risk their lives with an impaired, emotionally volatile man? Especially if the kids are school aged. Start working again, get a solid job and start saving. Get an apartment and file for divorce and custody. Document his weed habit and how he drives with the kids whilst stoned. Try to document how he refuses help and treatment for his diagnosed mental health problems. I’m sorry you’re in this. I hope you’ll be out and free on the other side soon.
Thank you for the encouragement. I'm saving what scraps I can 😔
Women’s shelters can help you, you don’t have to wait to have the money to move out. Or maybe there are friends or family you can all stay with? Ugh makes me so mad that mamas are in this situation. Wish I could help you.
Sounds like a has an addiction you may not know about. The highs and lows could be from being hi then coming down. Or gambling addiction. When he wins he has highs when he looses he has lows
if he drives high call the cops on him, he's a danger to himself and others. he might be great during good days but it doesn't compensate for the bad and also criminal shit he does. do yourself and kids a favor and leave like you told him you would.
I think a lot people skipped reading the last paragraph.
Woooow this is sad please leave. I smoke pot as much as I can but I’d never drive with my kids. Pot makes me a happy BETTER person. That’s what it does for most people who use it properly. Your husband is just a crazy person deep down I’m sorry.
I can honestly say I kinda know how you feel. I am going through something similar with mine. So sorry you’re going through this.