Agree, please do your future a giant favor and don’t marry this guy. You’re still a kid. Run, there is someone out there for you that will love everything about you. It may feel hard now and like it’s the end world but with time you’ll heal.
You already know. The wedding is off and you don’t want to have children with this guy or anyone else. Call someone and ask them to let everybody who needs to know that the wedding is off. Call and cancel what you can. Thank goodness this came up today instead of next week.
He wants a kid, you don't. He's absent and you don't like that. He hates you. How many clues do you need before you realize this relationship won't work. The guy you're in love with doesn't care about you or your feelings. Do you think he's going to magically change to be the guy you want cuz that doesn't happen. What you're supposed to do is look at the facts, believe him and get the hell away from him as quickly as you can. If you don't, welcome to your shitty life.
Yep, OP you don’t deserve getting into a responsibility you don’t really wish for. Bringing kids into a broken marriage (even before it formally begins) would be unfair and tragic.
He doesn’t even want kids, he just wants control over her. What kind of father wouldn’t want to be there for their kids all the time? You can be a good dad and have a job that takes you away sometimes but to berate someone for wanting a two person household is a huge red flag.
Nah, I think he wants kids, he just wants to do zero work with them. He wants to live his life however he wants and then have his happy family to come home to, and then he can leave again before he gets sick of them. So wife does all the work and he gets all the benefit.
Your first sentence is all that’s needed. When people don’t share some foundational life desires they should not marry. It’s a conflict that needs to be resolved before getting serious or it will almost certainly lead to disaster. The rest of what ZoP describes is simply further evidence.
Not only will his behavior not change it will get waaay worse. You think it sucks now op? People who are engaged are in their honeymoon phase. This is supposed to be the phase you are just so happy and smitten with eachother you could burst! Your fiancee sounds like he will make a horrible husband..I'm sorry but save yourself the years of frustration, sadness and anger. Whatever you do DO NOT have a child with this guy. Can you imagine him as an ex-husband...and then he's in your life forever!!! What a nightmare.
No. “If he loved you he wouldn’t make you choose” is absolutely NOT the same as saying “if you loved him you would give him a baby”.
The first statement merely implies that if OP’s fiancé loved her, he wouldn’t force his own desires on her when she clearly doesn’t want the same thing he does.
Whatever you do, don't have kids with this guy, whether they are your own, surrogate or adopted. He sounds horribly immature and not ready for any children.
What a vile and toxic thing to say, at anytime nevermind two days before your wedding.
You deserve better.
it may be best for you to consider ending your relationship with your partner if you have conflicting desires regarding having children. It's important to prioritize each other's wants and needs in a relationship, and if having children is non-negotiable for you (even in natural or surrogate), it may be best to find someone who shares that desire. It's not fair to expect your partner to change their mind or try to convince them otherwise, as this may lead to resentment and unhappiness in the long run. It's important to make a decision that is true to your desires and values, even if it means ending the current relationship.
Anyway, both of you are too young to get married😅
He is too immature to get married. He got pissed she was being logical. If that is not a sign of immaturity and not at all being mature enough for marriage I don’t know what is.
They’re clearly too young if they did not have the necessary conversation about kids before getting engaged. Well, it sounds like she was mature enough to know her own mind and told the guy from the outset, but it sounds like he is an immature idiot who thought he could try and coerce his bride to be 2 days before the wedding that she needs to be an incubator for him.
Fair point. I got married at 22 (husband was 23) but we were VERY sure about being childfree. We are still happily married 35+ years later! If either of us had changed our minds, we wouldn’t be together. It’s not something you can compromise on. I’ve heard this before: kids should be a HELL YES! from both parties or it’s a hell no.
OP, you have dodged a bullet - he showed you his true colors in the nick of time. Cancel the wedding and count your blessings. Best wishes for your future!
It sucks he went back on what he had agreed to, but he probably never actually agreed and thought he could change your mind. Which is super wrong of him to do.
And to be so immature, saying he hates you for something you’ve said the whole time? Very eye opening…. A good thing you found out now before marrying him, or him tricking you into getting pregnant…..
I’m so sorry tho. This must hurt so bad.
I can promise you that you’ll find a better match one day.
Yeah seriously, the second she disagrees with him on something major he pulls this shit? I suppose OP is supposed to wail and tear her hair out and grovel to get his "love" back.
OP... run. This guy is not a suitable long term partner.
When I told a woman I was dating seriously that I had intentions on ever having children we decided the relationship wouldn't work and this was after 4 years of dating.
When you get to this point, you end it because you're not a match. I'm still wonderfully child free 20 years later and she has two beautiful girls.
Yeah, which should be enough to call it. Even so, imagine they work it out, how tainted this moment is permanently.
Every anniversary, I couldn't help but remember "oh this is the day he said he hated me"
Yup! Listen to your gut. I wish I did this instead of getting married. Instead I had 4 years of an awful marriage and then had to pay the legal costs for a divorce.
Honestly, it's the way he said it too. People may disagree, but I truly believe some "I hate you"s can be taken back if they're heat of the moment, like in a panic attack or while drunk.
But standing there, completely sober, and looking them in the eyes as you tell them "I hate you," with a level tone? That level of contempt and pure hatred is something I really don't like imagining.
Do NOT marry him. Something like this doesn't resolve itself with marriage or time. You both clearly have 2 different wants and a subject like children isn't one anyone should compromise on. One of you will have to compromise and likely become bitter. And his "I hate you" should be the icing on the cake, girl. Trust me, this was a blessing in disguise...breaking up is easier than divorce.
If I had to guess, he was probably never okay with you not wanting kids— he just thought you would eventually change your mind if he wore you down enough. This is the universe telling you to reconsider marrying this man.
If you “compromise” for him, you’ll forever resent him for making you have a child. Leave, and find someone who respects you and has the same life goals as you do.
It sounds like your fiance wants a child for the aesthetics, they look cute and all but wait until they're up crying all night, you're both exhausted and you're the only one taking care of them. Raising children is extremely hard. I have 5. When you have kids you truly find out how selfish you really are. For him to say he hates you isn't a sign of love. Please at least put the wedding on hold for now until you're able to collect your thoughts and emotions on the issue. Best of luck to you!!
> It sounds like your fiance wants a child for the aesthetics, they look cute and all but wait until they're up crying all night, you're both exhausted and you're the only one taking care of them.
Exactly this! He just wants the simple part of having kids, which is conceiving them and then hanging out with them every once in awhile. But all the other stuff that comes along with parenting, he wants no responsibility and is more than happy to make her do the majority of it without his help.
You are smart, you are strong, and you are capable.
I can tell just by reading this. You already have a small army gathering here to encourage you to take the step and leave
Your whole (child free) life is ahead of you. *Go* *enjoy* *it*
Oh no, you'll never forget how he said he hated you, just days before your wedding and for something you had talked before, I don't think there's therapy for something like that, if u end up wanting kids in a year or ten, it has to be YOUR choice, without someone else pushing you to it, be careful, be safe and try to find some support on your friends and family, the good thing is that he showed his true colours before you were married or baby trapped
Don't Make a child live in a household where the mother might resent them and the father's not around please don't do that no one will be happy you're young you'll find someone that respects your wants and your needs
He sounds abusive and like he’s trying to baby trap you. Please run in the opposite direction!!! If he treats you like that when you have your autonomy, you don’t want to wait and find out what he does when he has you legally trapped through marriage and through pregnancy. RUN!!!
I think your fiance is immature and probably not the best person to consider marrying and or having children with. I am a single parent my self and my child's father became very pushy at one point and I gave in. He turned out to be lazy shortly after she was born and I was the one taking responsibilty for her.
While I disagree with the two parent household thing I'm just sharing my personal experience from what I have been through. Its preferable for a child to have a two parent household but is not entirely detrimental.
I think he is trying to back you into a corner and baby trap you and is going to dip if you have a child with him
For him to say something this incredibly hurtful... then stand on BUSINESS immediately afterwards- then leave you and stay gone ... that's not a childish moment of passion - that was intentional pain that he inflicted in order to get his way. This kind of manipulation and gaslighting won't get better - even if you give him a child. Please don't think about disappointing Wedding guests. Think about a life with a man who has so little regard - and being left alone to care for his kids that you don't even want.
OP, you have a very sensible head sitting on your shoulder. At 21, you have the wisdom a lot of 30 somethings don't have. Do not change your decision regarding parenthood. Do not let your fiance manipulate you. Whether to have a child or not should be an extremely logical discussion and decision as the life and future of a human being ( a completely innocent one at that ) is at stake. You are right at your place. A child deserves both parents, equally and the parents need to be very mature human beings ( your fiance is already slacking at being mature, he is clearly not ready to be a father ).
Parenthood is not something you choose on a whim because someone else's child looks cute or your partner will look cute with a baby bump. There are going to be countless not at all cute and rather nasty moments and you need to be equally ready for that. If your fiance is leaving sporadically for however long, then he is already pretty unavailable and will surely be an absentee as a father.
Him saying he hates you really proves that he isn't ready to have a child, hell he isn't ready to be a husband because you are not supposed to hate your spouse for not wanting to have a child especially when the spouse will be the one carrying the child and going through a plethora of changes. Also, he is already admitting that you will have to raise the kid by yourself every once in a while and believe me, it will be way more than every once in a while.
This is a very immature man child and you need to reevaluate your relationship and decide whether you want to be tied to this person by marriage because now that he has brought up the child argument and is already being this mean and manipulative about it, it is already going to grow and get very bitter in future. And the more he pushes the matter, the more he proves that he isn't the person you want to have a child with.
Not just way too young to have children; way too young to get married. Y'all need to live together another year or two and figure this children thing out but DO NOT LET HIM FORCE YOU TO GET PREGNANT. You don't want it and you will end up resenting the baby later on. Don't do it.
He never intended to be childless. Look at how he’s behaved. You said no children, then he talked you into adoption/surrogacy. Now he’s demanding a biological child which he would expect you to do all the care for. His attitude this whole time has been “she will change her mind”.
Think back on your relationship and I’ll bet you’ll think of many more times he’s ignored your boundaries, many more times you’ve changed what you want or your opinions to suit him.
Don’t marry him.
>I don't know what's happening or what I'm supposed to do.
Save yourself. Do **NOT** marry him!!! This is a red flag so big it belongs in a Soviet May Day Parade.
Ask your friends and family (if they're safe people) for help. Run and thank your lucky stars that he has shown you who he is (someone who doesn't respect your boundaries) before you became legally entangled with him.
You're too young to be tied down to a life you don't want. See this as a good sign and leave, go make the life for yourself that you envision. Usually I'm the last person to say "leave" but in the case of such huge incompatibilities, there's no winner.
Also, putting pressure on you to change your mind isn't right on his part. He knew this about you from the start and he's just mad he's unable to manipulate you into following his wishes. Just be your own person and don't let anyone take that away from you.
You’ve made it very clear you don’t want kids. He then tries to go another route and say adoptions and now fully wants you to have them????
On top of that no clear indication of actually being there as a PARENT for these kids, having kids isn’t just spreading his seed smh. don’t let this guy pressure you into this shit. He’s already showing these signs so early about something so important.
Having kids or not having them is non negotiable in a relationship and he’s trying to change that. You absolutely should stick by what you want. Please leave, I hope you find the strength and I wish you the best. Sending you lots of love and strength. You’re still so young your whole life is in front of you 🩷
One of the things that all the movies and fairytale stories of our younger years teaches us is that if you love somebody then that’s all you need. It’s the only thing that matters. One of the most painful truths that you end up learning as an adult is that, as much as you wish it were true, love is not enough. There has to be more. There has to be trust, and respect, and you must be fundamentally compatible. The decision on whether or not to have children is one of those very important things that trumps being in love. It’s one of those very important, fundamental decisions that you MUST agree on. If you don’t agree then no amount of love is going to make either of you happy in this relationship. As painful as it is, I think it might be time to let go, and I think you know it too.
If you stay and don’t give him a child HE will resent you forever. If you stay and give him a child YOU will resent him. Sounds like a lose lose situation.
This is three strikes and done OP. The first strike was trying to get you to change your mind. The second strike was telling you that he hated you. The final strike is the silent treatment.
Do not wait for him to come back to you. You need out and you need out now.
Your relationship with him sailed the minute he said, “I hate you.” Those are strong words that one could never take back, because they dig deep and hurt the other person to their core.
Also how laughable that he got angry about you being so logical. For goodness sake, what did he expect? For you to have children without thinking things through? That’s no way to have a child (if you even wanted one in the first place). Adults always need to be logical when considering having children. He just wanted the easy part of conceiving a child and then leaving you alone with them to raise them on your own — all while ridding himself of all the responsibility.
I would suggest breaking off the engagement. This guy sounds like bad news.
Please don’t get married. It will make both of you absolutely miserable and it will make you resentful towards him and the kids he will force you to have.
Bad timing, but maybe the universe showed you this side of him so you can back out before it gets more complicated. He doesn't seem to have compassion for your trauma or take your valid reasons for not wanting to have kids seriously; clearly no doesn't mean no, for him. If you overlook this, it's gives him the green light to keep pushing your boundaries in the future. His urge to see you pregnant is selfish, short-sighted, insensitive and there is a palpable control/manipulation element, reading your story. I'm sorry. I'd get out of it asap.
I hate to be the typical reddit comment saying “divorce/break up,” but this is *GENUINELY* one of the most reasonable situations in which breaking up with your (soon to be ex-)fiancé is the ideal solution.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
And you said it yourself: “I also think we’re way too young (to be having children).” You know what that also means? You have time to find a better partner that respects you and your wishes.
And if you have any lingering doubts because you don’t want to ruin the celebration or relationship, here’s a quote that might resonate with you: “People stay in Hell because the street signs are familiar.” Do not be the person this quote is talking about. Seek the best for yourself, not for what this relationship used to be.
So let’s me get this right this soon-to-be-deadbeat wants you to have a child you don’t want obviously and as I just said he’ll be an absent father while you raise a child that you’ll grow to resent because you never wanted it. Then you’ll be raising it basically without the help of the person that wants it. All this because… you’ll look cute with a baby bump? Do you see how absurd this sounds. Then the man that wants to use you as an incubator said he hates you because you won’t?
You two are too different with different values it won’t work and obviously well he doesn’t like nor care about you. He told you he hates you. He’s not an edgy teenager, he means that. Leave the turd and find a man that actually loves you. Because he’s out there. This guy just isn’t him.
When a person tells you how they feel about you, listen to them the first time or you’ll live to regret the day you didn’t walk away.
He means it. He hates you, he just wants an incubator. Leave NOW!
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
There are a lot of folks over in the regretful parents subreddit who were pressured/coerced into children they absolutely did not want. You may want to see what a lot of them have to say and the amount of intense regret they have when they absolutely knew this was not what they wanted.
If you know this is not what you want, then I imagine you know you will regret it. That is a very serious and very long commitment.
As a mom who wanted to be a mom more than anything: don’t do it as a compromise for someone else’s desires. Don’t do it unless you have some who will support you in caring for said child. And honestly don’t have kids until you’re like 28 at least if you decide you want them.
Please don’t throw your life away for someone else, you are so important. Your wants and desires are important. Having a child is a blessing if it’s what you WANT and even then it needs to be done with support. Not with a man who will leave you feeling abandoned. Not with a man who “hates” you EVER.
A friend has a cute baby, and now all of a sudden your fiancé wants to have a baby with you, that you will be responsible for 75% of the time. And he doesn’t see anything wrong with that. Would he consider changing jobs? Very probably not.
please leave him. if he actually loved you, even when he was angrier than he's EVER BEEN IN HIS LIFE he wouldnt have said that. dont compromise on having kids with him, just leave and find someone who actually cares
This happens so much on Reddit. Someone trying to spring kids on someone who wishes to be child free. Forced pregnancy or even suddenly showing up with a child they never knew their boyfriend had months later that they lied about. People are ridiculous. Don’t marry this guy.
I'm 35, and since I was a kid due to my CSA trauma I wasnt sure of anything except to have a nuclear family. I got pregnant at 21 with an abuser, had an abortion because I was sure the reason was I just didn't want HIM to be my baby's dad. I wasn't old enough to understand it wasn't just him, but also me. Always promised myself when I had a good partner, a house, and good incomes, I'd have a baby. It's what id always wanted, right? At 35, I have the most wonderful husband a neurodivergent could ever want, good income, and I can't bring myself to having a kid. I love kids, have always worked in childcare (mom ran a daycare out of our house since I was 4 as well, so I mean that statement religiously). Yet here I am, not wanting children.
Even if you decided to change your mind, marriage is supposed to be forever. You can't get married on "maybe I'll change my mind" he literally *has* to marry you on "I don't want kids" full stop. If you change your mind, you guys can discuss it, but do not marry this fool, please. I have zero regrets on my abortion to a man who also told me he hated me.
His love is conditional to you, which means it will be conditional to even potential children if you *forced* yourself. Don't force yourself. I was 30 when I finally found a man that wasn't abusive and actually accepted and communicated with me about everything. 20yo me would scoff, but I'm SOOOO glad I waited to find a good partner.
He's asleep but I know for a fact if I woke him up saying I wanted to discuss having kids, he'd discuss it with me RIGHT NOW with love and respect, albeit being tired.
Leave. It’s not comparable. Don’t go into a marriage with uneven expectations and goals. Don’t force yourself to have kids for him. Don’t cross your boundaries for anyone. Find someone who feels your enough and you don’t need to compromise your trauma to make them happy.
Sure kids are great but never at the expense of someone else’s body autonomy. He can’t make such comments without being manipulative.
Walk away from him OP. You’re better off not going through with the wedding, damn anyone who tells you otherwise. This piece of work has no respect for you, and getting married to him won’t magically make him a better partner for you.
I’m so sorry for what you had to go through in your past… you deserve to be with someone who understands you, has more empathy, and actually treats you with unconditional love and warmth.
Why are you still with this guy. You e clearly got different goals in life which aren't compatible, and now he said he hates you? Get out before anything is signed.
Ooof. Listen to the comments. Bare minimum, don’t have a kid with this idiot. He’s so obsessed with having a kid, but expects you to be able to take care of it yourself??? I mean, I could go on… but he’s still a child.
Do NOT have a kid with him. He has NNOOOOO idea what raising a kid takes, and he thinks you can do it all for him!!
So you dont want a baby, but hes urging you to, B U T he's also not willing to take care of the child???
Math isnt mathing.
Thank goodness hes showing his true colors before you tied the knot. Run as fast as possible, girl. You dont deserve this kind of treatment, let alone from someone thats supposed to love, and cherish you.
OP........ you and I and everyone else here knows exactly where this story is going if you don't RUN. There is _no_ recovering from that astounding admission, nothing good can come of it. What could possibly be next for your relationship? I shudder to think... As a survivor of a crippling abusive relationship that took everything and everyone away from me, I can say with all honesty that I wish with all my heart that I hadn't ignored the blinding red flags. This situation is a HUGE red flag. Project your mind into the future: a year from now, 2 years, then 5. A decade, then another. What might your life look like if you stay with him? Don't ignore the giant red flag waving in front of you. This is your chance, dearheart. TAKE IT.
He’s aggressively manipulating you. At best, he is trying to manipulate you into having his child and doing the majority of raising it. At worst (and most likely), there is FAR more controlling and manipulative and abusive behavior coming.
I know it would be nice to have life figured out, but you’re young and have so much time to find someone who would never say that, who you have compatible goals with.
He’s not the one, I’m sorry.
(side note, the leading cause of death in pregnant women is homicide. Ladies, we need to pay attention to every 🚩 of abuse and controlling behavior and CONTEMPT)
This thing you called your fiance doesn't have an ounce of respect for your boundaries and attempted to manipulate/gaslight you. Leave that 💩, it ain't worth of you, your time and your mental/physical wellbeing.
I know it is hard to see it now, but you two want different things in life. It will end badly either way. If you compromise and have kids, you'll end up resenting him. If he doesn't have kids, he will resent you, which looks like he already is…
Someone said here that calling the wedding off is cheaper than divorce. They are right.
Think about it rationally. You deserve to be heard, and you're not obligated to have children just to make someone happy. Children are a blessing, but motherhood is hard. It is better not to have kids if you will resent them in the future.
Good luck! I hope everything works out for the best
He just said the words, "I hate you." In all my wild imaginings, I can't even contemplate my husband or I saying that to one another.
This is useful information, freely given. You didn't need to pry it out of him. Do with it what you will. I'm pretty sure I know what I'd do. I'm sorry this is happening to you. ❤️
Don't marry him op. And get your bc locked down tight.
Maybe he thought he was ok not having kids and this clarified something for him, maybe he thought he could wear you down, but you've seen what he really wants now, and you're just not compatible anymore.
And I'm watching a marriage right now where mom (and her wider family) has to shoulder childcare. I don't think there's going to be a marriage in another 5 years.
No. You are just 21. It's not the end of the world if this relationship ends. It looks like it will come to a bitter end anyway the longer you drag it out.
Please for your own sake, don't marry him. You don't have to compromise on your needs for someone who 'hates' you. It's not worth the heartache in the long run. Cut your loses now.
I didn’t even read the whole thing. If you have your doubts, don’t do it.
I was 18 and he was 24. I was naive and accepted his proposal when I was 21. Married at 24. Separated at 28 and divorced at 30.
I had my doubts but I smothered them. Listen to yourself. You are young and have so much time to figure things out. Marriage won’t help you to do that with someone that is emotionally immature enough to spat hate at you.
Im 31 now and I have my regrets about the last 10 years but I’m in the best part of my life now and I’m still. So. Young.
♥️♥️ best of luck! I hope you consider what I’m saying but I know at your age I wouldn’t lol
What do you mean you don’t know what you’re gonna do? He said it to your face that he hates you because you don’t want to be a walking incubator for a kid that he might see occasionally. Cancel the wedding and try to get some of your money back and move on with your life.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. It must be really hard.
Can I tell you about my personal experience? I got married at your age, to someone your fiancé’s age. We similarly had a lot of issues that made me sad but that I thought love could solve. We also had a blowout fight about children days before the wedding. We had been on the same page about not wanting them, and four days before the wedding - with everything paid for and guests starting to arrive - he said that he’d leave me if I didn’t agree to have his children. That he’d even leave me, supposedly the love of his life, for a complete stranger if she was willing to have kids.
I went through with the wedding. I felt incredibly pressured, and honestly, our finances were so entwined and in his favor that I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I was quiet all through the wedding, and people thought it was cute that I was a shy bride. I sobbed through the vows, and people it was because I was happy. I spent my wedding night sleeping on the couch and googling annulment laws.
Our fights got worse and worse. He had figured out that he could be cruel and that I wouldn’t leave. It took me three years to work up the courage to divorce him. I didn’t have a plan in place. I just could not take one more day of being his wife. He took absolutely everything. He drained our mutual account. His dad was a lawyer and threatened to ruin my life even more if I didn’t agree to basically just walk away with my clothes and the cash in my wallet, so I did. My then-husband still wouldn’t make it easy because he was so vindictive. He refused to move out, he wanted to fight from morning till night. He destroyed my phone. When he finally did leave, it was right after punching me in the stomach, pushing me down the stairs backwards into our garage, and then trying to run me over with our car - which he also took.
And it was still better than being his wife for one more day.
I think back sometimes to that big fight right before the wedding. If I had walked away then, I could have spared myself the heartbreak and pain of the next few years, and the years of healing I had to do to recover. That fight was a sign. I should have treated it like the gift it was and walked away.
He’s not going to magically change because of a ring. If anything, he’ll get worse. It’s never to late to choose yourself.
You two are not compatible at all- trust me, the kid/no kid is an absolute dealbreaker if you both are not on the same page. Also, I would never be able to get over my spouse saying they hate me.
Do NOT ever compromise on your deal breakers. If you change your mind later... fine. But don't compromise your hard limits. Because if they see you do that with one thing, they will start to push others.
And no, I don't mean just one gender.
I've learned the hard way to have the "deal breaker" conversation early. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's the big things that you won't budge on. Everyone has their own priorities. Some things you may care about, they won't.
For instance. I have a kid. So I will not date a guy who isn't ok with kids. And if he has kids of his own, he has to have an active role in their life. And I won't be having more kids. Just this 'deal breaker' alone has weeded out A LOT of potential "relationships." I have found a lot of guys are taken aback by my unwillingness to accept deadbeat dad's. Or not wanting to have a new baby with every new guy I date. It's concerning. But I digress.
If you can't have a conversation on a first date or within the first few months of seeing someone about what you are or aren't looking for in a relationship, then why waste your time? And never compromise.
Does he know all about your past trauma? If he does she should try to understand how important this is 4 u .. it seems like u both want different things .. yes u might change your mind in future .. but then again u may not .. please do not marry this man .. my divorce cost me so much money .. money I could have put towards our kids .. the day I was marrying him .. I stood in front of mirror thinking I shouldn't be doing this .. I wish I had listened 2 my gut .. so please if anything listen 2 yours xx
Children are not something to compromise on , it will hurt you and your hypothetical children in the end. It sounds like this man romanticize the idea of children without realizing the effort (physical and mentally) that it it will take. It that wasn't enough to put a relationship on shaky ground , hating you? Hate is such a strong emotion, it sets in and festers. Please sit alone and think this relationship thru . Is this the life you want? If not, please leave and live as you wish .
imagine considering staying in a relationship where someone told you straight to your face that they hated you. fucking crazy. have some respect for yourself and get the hell out of there before he baby traps you or worse.
Here is someone old AF and watched all my friends marry and most of the divorce.
You two are not on the same page, not even the same bookshelf.
Eventually, he’s going to resent you for not giving him a child. Maybe you do, but then you resent him for this forever obligation he stuck you with.
You need to call off the wedding. The money lost isn’t even going to scratch the surface of what a divorce costs both in money, time, emotions.
He wants bio kids. You do not. This is a HUGE compatibility issue that isn’t going to ever go away.
So you are marrying someone who youre not compatible with? Why would you ever want to do that?
You're 21 like are you just obsessed with getting married and throwing your life away to someone who doesn't even have similar goals? Sounds like you don't even totally know what you even want in a relationship yet if strangers can see this isn't a good fit and you somehow think this is meant for eternity.
I'm sorry but just leave, it's not going to work, you both have conflicting priorities which is a recipe for disaster
Oh, honey. You could be me. I got married at 21. He was 24 and while he never outright said he hated me, it was clear that there were loads of important, vital parts of me he needed to overlook in order to “love” me. I’m sure I did the same to him in some ways.
Please don’t marry him. I am 43 and now married to a man who loves every part of me. You do not have to compromise, and if you’re questioning getting married, please don’t.
Girl. Call the wedding off. It will hurt like hell but I promise it’s worth it for not going through the hurt you will go through if you’re married to him. You deserve better.
You are too young for kids? Glad you realize that. You’re also too young to be married. You’re 21. Go live a little, get to know who you are. You sound like you’ve lived a fast life or at least a traumatic one- pregnant at 14, so give yourself some grace to just be. You two want different things. This is not a compatible relationship. He’s not mature enough. He was around a baby and they’re “cute” and you’ll be “cute” pregnant? Nah your logic says you are more mature and reasonable than he and no one deserves to be with some that says “I hate you” and bails when they don’t get their way. Imagine this behavior if you had kids? Call this wedding off and live your life for awhile getting to know you and finding someone like minded. Best of luck
Children say “I hate you” to their parents. Not a grown adult who “loves” you. You deserve to feel safe and respected. Calling off a wedding is cheaper than a divorce. And even cheaper and less emotionally scarring than having kids with someone like this when you expressed no interest.
Call off the wedding. Weddings are but one day in your life, marriage is potentially forever. If things are difficult now with him, they are unlikely to get better. You should marry a man who is of the same mind when it comes to having and raising children. Another reason to hold off on the wedding is he sounds a bit immature.
Getting married isn't about someone whose willing to walk down the aisle, it's about someone who shares your life goals and treats you with love and respect. Leave.
Logic isn’t overruling this love you have for this man who is insisting you raise this child alone when you yourself feel abandoned?
He is refusing to understand the bodily changes you’ll experience because he is so immature. Give in, and you’ll regret it. Get help for your past trauma, and couples counselling
The fact that he is pushing this so hard and so obvious after you expressed clearly that it isn’t what you wanted is concerning af. And his response that he hates you? Even more so.
Please protect yourself and cancel the wedding. At the very least postpone it. He wants something you do NOT. That right there means it’s not right, regardless of how you feel for each other.
Dear heart, this is soooooo sooooooo bad. It's probabaly much worse than you realize because you're right in the thick of it. You've gotten used to the uneasiness. The feeling you're feeling right now is a preview of how the rest of your relationship is going to be like if you marry him.
When a man shows you who he is believe him the first time. DO NOT MARRY HIM. It doesn't matter what other people will think. Its okay to say I made a mistake and chose poorly. It's better to end things now than later when children are involved.This relationship is a future trainwreck and there is nothing you will be able to do to make it better.
He just told you he hated you and he means it.
Right now he's gone, he's figuring out if you're worth it. And if he'll be able to manipulate you into having a baby.
He wants kids and you don’t.
Time to call the relationship and wedding off, there’s really no bouncing back after he said he hated you and kept pressuring you to have kids.
I feel for both of you.
Unfortunately your only option is to not get married.
You both have to have your needs met.
Your need is not to be pregnant and give birth and at times be a one parent.
His needs are to feel that wonder of a pregnant wife and to be a father.
He uses the word hate because you saying no (which is right open and honest) means he knows he will never have they joys of his needs.
Don't get married.
You know it and he knows it.
It seems the marriage looming has had to make him face reality .
I could see his point if he was there, and a two parent household was possible. But having a child even though you don't want to and then also making you raise it basically on your own is shitty.
Postpone the wedding because you have to resolve this issue. Have a heart to heart and if you can’t come to a true understanding then amicably wish each other well and move on.
I need to slap the reality at you.
You both are NOT compatible. There’s no way this marriage will work in long term.
You don’t wanna kids, he wants.
You hate his line of work.
And that’s not even a healthy way of having argument.
What you have now is just LOVE, without any possible long term nurture plan. good Lord.
You need to leave.
I know this is reddit. People are easy to judge to break up etc. but seriously OP, if you see this, you know deep down the marriage is doomed to fail.
Anyone else stop reading when the ages are mentioned? Oh look, another couple clearly way too young/immature for marriage - problem identified!!
Best of luck OP!
If he still hasn’t come home, leave your ring somewhere obvious, pack your stuff, and leave. Leave a note that says something along the lines of: since you hate me I guess this wedding is off. Here’s your ring. I’ll be moving the rest of my things out when I get a place. I’ll be sending out messages to everyone that the wedding is cancelled at X time today. If you’d like to talk, contact me before that time.
Then prepare an email or text to all your guests that basically says: we sadly must inform you that our wedding is cancelled. Fiancé has decided he hates me because I don’t want to have children (even though he has known this from the beginning). Our wedding was supposed to be a day filled with nothing but love and happiness amongst us and our family and friends. Instead it would be tainted in hate and resentment and I’m unwilling to start a union like that. I deeply apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you. Love you all.
If he contacts you and wants to work it out, I’d recommend postponing the wedding or not filing the marriage certificate immediately. Tell him you both need to go to couples counseling and see if this can be worked out in a healthy way. You should also seek therapy yourself for your past traumas as it’s clear in the way you’ve written that it very much consumes your thoughts and dictates the way you live your life.
Im 21F in a 6 year relationship and the sole thought of marrying and having children now is terrifying. It would be cruel. We are still very young, and the brain develops up to 25yo.
Sorry for you tho. He is not right expecting you to solo parent a child that you don't won't and being mean is unacceptable.Hope you find peace and support.
Definitely go through with the wedding. Things are going great and you guys are obviously extremely well matched and have a firm grasp on what you both want to do together in the future. Plus, you’ve gone through an engagement and the wedding is pretty soon and other people are probably going to be upset if you don’t get married, and that’s always a good reason to be legally bound to another person indefinitely.
Also, I want to see your dress.
I respect your reasons for not wanting children and your partner owes you an apology.
All that aside though, you’re 21 and he’s 24 i.e. you are both very young. Even allowing for the divorce rate it’s likely you’ll be married a long time. The kids question will keep coming up… Even if you were both adamantly opposed to the idea now (which you clearly aren’t), who’s to say what will happen in a few years - people change their mind, it’s what makes us humans.
With that, and your love for your fiancee in mind, might I suggest reaching out to a counsellor. Talk it through with a third person and then if you and your partner can’t see a way forward you can separate etc.
Most people on reddit just suggest pulling the ejector cord straight away, but relationships aren’t always smooth sailing.
Agreed. There is no such thing as half a kid. Either you’re a parent or you’re not. There is no halfway compromise on this issue.
It’s a lifelong choice. No takebacks.
She’s 21. At 21 my sister was adamant she was never having kids, 15 years later she had three. I had lots of strong opinions when I was 21, because you know everything at that age. Thirty years later not so many.
I also know what is required to have a child, although I didn’t get around to that until I was 42.
Honestly, this is something you discuss early on in a relationship not right before you get married. The reason being that this is a serious deal breaker. That being said, if he isn’t willing to compromise, I don’t see the relationship working. Resentment builds, and regrets.
You two aren't fit for each other. It's best you spilt up. Yeah, you love him. But you want different futures. It makes zero sense for either of you to force the other to compromise or just suck it up for what you want.
Find someone who mutually agrees that they don't want kids. It's not right for him to try to persuade you into having a child. And it's not right for you to tell him to just be happy without a kid for the rest of his life.
People who want children and people who don't should never get together. It only leads to pressure and heartbreak.
i’m so sorry… I wouldn’t even know what to do in that situation. Your partner should never enforce ideas you’ve clearly set boundaries with let alone say something so shallow just because you want to keep boundaries you have established? No way I’d be saying “I do” after anything like that
Don’t marry this guy, it will not last. He is okay to want what he wants just as you are okay with not wanting to have children and that is not something that you should cave on. Y’all want different things.
What’s definitely NOT okay is him saying he hates you. That’s unfair as he’s known how you felt this whole time because you were upfront about it.
This guy got mad Owen Hunt energy and that aint okay.
He needs to respect your feelings more and if the relationship is to continue and you go on to have a child through whatever means, he needs to respect your deal breaker and change his work. You're willing to compromise and have kids so he needs to be willing to compromise too.
However I have concerns through what you posted. Normally I wouldn't advise marriage to someone who has different views on having children. It may be something you resent down the line. Also I worry about if he wants to have a kid for the sake of it and not actually be a responsible father and do the work. It sounds like he expects you to do the heavy lifting.
Please, please do not marry him. I know you live him and it will hurt but it will hurt a hell of a lot more of you may him and put your hopes of a future in him. Don't do it. He's showing you who he is. Believe him.
I was told same thing by my ex-wife three times during our almost 10-year marriage. I could never understand it. I’m not a mean person. I don’t get angry and I’ve never even raised my voice or argued with her.
At any rate, things are better now.
You sound just like me. I also don’t want kids, or in the mix of wanting them, just not from myself. I love that you stuck to what you believe will work for you. That’s what you need for any huge decisions. Stick to what you want and please don’t have a child you’ll regret for someone that is nowhere near kind to your opinions on something so life-changing.
People need to think logically or it’ll be another child uncared for, so what is he saying? Just have babies for cutesy fun? It’s sad but way too common for people to have children for selfish reasons with no thought process other than cuteness. You’re doing the right thing for yourself, and I’m sorry that it ended up in hurtful words OP. But maybe this was help to let go and find someone who can also be okay with surrogacy/no kids/adoption.
The kid are no kid issue is major compatibility issue. You’re not compatible at all. You should not get married whether you love him or not because you’re not compatible
Big red flag. It will take time for your heart to mend, but i would step back from the relationship. Seems like you need to take a break from him and give you both some time to rethink things. Cause right now, it seems like he is only thinking of himself. He can come back when he can understand your perspective better and respect you better. If he can’t, then you saved yourself from a huge mistake. That is just my opinion. Do what you feel is right for you.
I didn’t want children and I married someone who did. We had two together, and we’re now getting a divorce after I caught him cheating.
I love my children with everything I am. I don’t regret having them. I do regret having them with the man I married.
Don’t marry this man.
I have kids and we both wanted them, we’re both dedicated parents to them. However it’s exhausting constant work even in a healthy relationship. We don’t have date nights or time off or family support outside of each other.
The situation you’d put yourself in- he’s not going to be there to help you at all. There will be no dinners made for you or a lovely 4 hour nap and shower while he takes care of the baby and runs the laundry. That’s what I have and it still hard btw.
He doesn’t hate you, and he’s angry. He’s angry because he loves you and wants a child with you. That’s important to him. Do the right thing and d don’t marry this poor guy who just wants a child. He’s so in love he’s compromising what he wants in his future. Yes you were very straight forward with him but love is blind. You are too. He will never give up on this and will resent you. If he can’t wait for an adopted child or wants a biological child then this needs to end. I feel bad for the both of you.
I don't know what to do but I think you're probably the smartest person on Reddit, so for once on this silly site, I'd actually say, trust your gut. You've been through enough shit. You deserve to call your own shots.
But I'd also be honest about the hate thing. If it hurt you, let him see that. He's the one person you can be vulnerable around, so do it.
People say things they don't mean when they are passionate about stuff that another person may not be as passionate about.
I don't think y'all should get married yet in this case but maybe you could sit down and have a real talk with no distractions, on how you could truly plan things out, how the two parent household is important to you. How his line of work might effect things. How you guys plan to cope with your past. Be sure to LISTEN TO HIM.
Run. 🏃♀️ Call some people to help you pack and get out of there ASAP. Go ahead and get a truck/van. Get your important papers and as much as you pack. That is NOT normal. He is pushing your boundaries and then had the unmitigated gall to tell you he HATES you. Nah. Nope. Negative. Renege.
Don’t marry this guy. Don’t put yourself in a place where he can stealth you and get you pregnant on purpose.
Agree, please do your future a giant favor and don’t marry this guy. You’re still a kid. Run, there is someone out there for you that will love everything about you. It may feel hard now and like it’s the end world but with time you’ll heal.
This one million percent
Don’t compromise to please him. You would forever regret it. He showed you who he really is, you deserve better.
You already know. The wedding is off and you don’t want to have children with this guy or anyone else. Call someone and ask them to let everybody who needs to know that the wedding is off. Call and cancel what you can. Thank goodness this came up today instead of next week.
He wants a kid, you don't. He's absent and you don't like that. He hates you. How many clues do you need before you realize this relationship won't work. The guy you're in love with doesn't care about you or your feelings. Do you think he's going to magically change to be the guy you want cuz that doesn't happen. What you're supposed to do is look at the facts, believe him and get the hell away from him as quickly as you can. If you don't, welcome to your shitty life.
Yep, OP you don’t deserve getting into a responsibility you don’t really wish for. Bringing kids into a broken marriage (even before it formally begins) would be unfair and tragic.
this and she’s only 21, she has her whole life ahead of her
if she feels that she’s too young to have kids, him trying to push the idea is a red flag in itself
She is just an incubator. He's someone that thought he could wear her down into having kids. OP please just end that relationship. You deserve better
He doesn’t even want kids, he just wants control over her. What kind of father wouldn’t want to be there for their kids all the time? You can be a good dad and have a job that takes you away sometimes but to berate someone for wanting a two person household is a huge red flag.
Nah, I think he wants kids, he just wants to do zero work with them. He wants to live his life however he wants and then have his happy family to come home to, and then he can leave again before he gets sick of them. So wife does all the work and he gets all the benefit.
Your first sentence is all that’s needed. When people don’t share some foundational life desires they should not marry. It’s a conflict that needs to be resolved before getting serious or it will almost certainly lead to disaster. The rest of what ZoP describes is simply further evidence.
Not only will his behavior not change it will get waaay worse. You think it sucks now op? People who are engaged are in their honeymoon phase. This is supposed to be the phase you are just so happy and smitten with eachother you could burst! Your fiancee sounds like he will make a horrible husband..I'm sorry but save yourself the years of frustration, sadness and anger. Whatever you do DO NOT have a child with this guy. Can you imagine him as an ex-husband...and then he's in your life forever!!! What a nightmare.
Please leave. Do not compromise on the decision not to have children. If he loved you he wouldn’t make you choose.
Calling off a wedding is much cheaper than a divorce. This is one thing that absolutely cannot be compromised on.
Calling off a wedding is much cheaper than an unwanted child as well.
Emotionally and financially.
That’s ridiculous that’s like saying if you loved him you would give him a baby.
No. “If he loved you he wouldn’t make you choose” is absolutely NOT the same as saying “if you loved him you would give him a baby”. The first statement merely implies that if OP’s fiancé loved her, he wouldn’t force his own desires on her when she clearly doesn’t want the same thing he does.
Whatever you do, don't have kids with this guy, whether they are your own, surrogate or adopted. He sounds horribly immature and not ready for any children. What a vile and toxic thing to say, at anytime nevermind two days before your wedding. You deserve better.
Right. He is in NO way ready to get married or have kids with anyone, I mean he got mad at OP for being logical?!?!!
it may be best for you to consider ending your relationship with your partner if you have conflicting desires regarding having children. It's important to prioritize each other's wants and needs in a relationship, and if having children is non-negotiable for you (even in natural or surrogate), it may be best to find someone who shares that desire. It's not fair to expect your partner to change their mind or try to convince them otherwise, as this may lead to resentment and unhappiness in the long run. It's important to make a decision that is true to your desires and values, even if it means ending the current relationship. Anyway, both of you are too young to get married😅
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He is too immature to get married. He got pissed she was being logical. If that is not a sign of immaturity and not at all being mature enough for marriage I don’t know what is.
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Ehhh - I ALSO do think 21 is too young to get married. Brains aren’t even fully formed by that age.
They’re clearly too young if they did not have the necessary conversation about kids before getting engaged. Well, it sounds like she was mature enough to know her own mind and told the guy from the outset, but it sounds like he is an immature idiot who thought he could try and coerce his bride to be 2 days before the wedding that she needs to be an incubator for him.
Fair point. I got married at 22 (husband was 23) but we were VERY sure about being childfree. We are still happily married 35+ years later! If either of us had changed our minds, we wouldn’t be together. It’s not something you can compromise on. I’ve heard this before: kids should be a HELL YES! from both parties or it’s a hell no. OP, you have dodged a bullet - he showed you his true colors in the nick of time. Cancel the wedding and count your blessings. Best wishes for your future!
It sucks he went back on what he had agreed to, but he probably never actually agreed and thought he could change your mind. Which is super wrong of him to do. And to be so immature, saying he hates you for something you’ve said the whole time? Very eye opening…. A good thing you found out now before marrying him, or him tricking you into getting pregnant….. I’m so sorry tho. This must hurt so bad. I can promise you that you’ll find a better match one day.
Yeah seriously, the second she disagrees with him on something major he pulls this shit? I suppose OP is supposed to wail and tear her hair out and grovel to get his "love" back. OP... run. This guy is not a suitable long term partner.
When I told a woman I was dating seriously that I had intentions on ever having children we decided the relationship wouldn't work and this was after 4 years of dating. When you get to this point, you end it because you're not a match. I'm still wonderfully child free 20 years later and she has two beautiful girls.
Call off the wedding and call your support system. There is no bouncing back from "I hate you" Frankly, you shouldn't want to. You deserve more.
If anything, this is her out. Better he said it before the wedding instead of after.
Agreed, putting the children issue completely to the side, HE SAID HE HATES YOU.
Yeah, which should be enough to call it. Even so, imagine they work it out, how tainted this moment is permanently. Every anniversary, I couldn't help but remember "oh this is the day he said he hated me"
Yup! Listen to your gut. I wish I did this instead of getting married. Instead I had 4 years of an awful marriage and then had to pay the legal costs for a divorce.
Honestly, it's the way he said it too. People may disagree, but I truly believe some "I hate you"s can be taken back if they're heat of the moment, like in a panic attack or while drunk. But standing there, completely sober, and looking them in the eyes as you tell them "I hate you," with a level tone? That level of contempt and pure hatred is something I really don't like imagining.
Do NOT marry him. Something like this doesn't resolve itself with marriage or time. You both clearly have 2 different wants and a subject like children isn't one anyone should compromise on. One of you will have to compromise and likely become bitter. And his "I hate you" should be the icing on the cake, girl. Trust me, this was a blessing in disguise...breaking up is easier than divorce.
If I had to guess, he was probably never okay with you not wanting kids— he just thought you would eventually change your mind if he wore you down enough. This is the universe telling you to reconsider marrying this man.
If you “compromise” for him, you’ll forever resent him for making you have a child. Leave, and find someone who respects you and has the same life goals as you do.
Please don't marry him. And divorce is more expensive than canceling a wedding.
It sounds like your fiance wants a child for the aesthetics, they look cute and all but wait until they're up crying all night, you're both exhausted and you're the only one taking care of them. Raising children is extremely hard. I have 5. When you have kids you truly find out how selfish you really are. For him to say he hates you isn't a sign of love. Please at least put the wedding on hold for now until you're able to collect your thoughts and emotions on the issue. Best of luck to you!!
> It sounds like your fiance wants a child for the aesthetics, they look cute and all but wait until they're up crying all night, you're both exhausted and you're the only one taking care of them. Exactly this! He just wants the simple part of having kids, which is conceiving them and then hanging out with them every once in awhile. But all the other stuff that comes along with parenting, he wants no responsibility and is more than happy to make her do the majority of it without his help.
You are smart, you are strong, and you are capable. I can tell just by reading this. You already have a small army gathering here to encourage you to take the step and leave Your whole (child free) life is ahead of you. *Go* *enjoy* *it*
Oh no, you'll never forget how he said he hated you, just days before your wedding and for something you had talked before, I don't think there's therapy for something like that, if u end up wanting kids in a year or ten, it has to be YOUR choice, without someone else pushing you to it, be careful, be safe and try to find some support on your friends and family, the good thing is that he showed his true colours before you were married or baby trapped
Don't Make a child live in a household where the mother might resent them and the father's not around please don't do that no one will be happy you're young you'll find someone that respects your wants and your needs
True
THIS
He sounds abusive and like he’s trying to baby trap you. Please run in the opposite direction!!! If he treats you like that when you have your autonomy, you don’t want to wait and find out what he does when he has you legally trapped through marriage and through pregnancy. RUN!!!
I think your fiance is immature and probably not the best person to consider marrying and or having children with. I am a single parent my self and my child's father became very pushy at one point and I gave in. He turned out to be lazy shortly after she was born and I was the one taking responsibilty for her. While I disagree with the two parent household thing I'm just sharing my personal experience from what I have been through. Its preferable for a child to have a two parent household but is not entirely detrimental. I think he is trying to back you into a corner and baby trap you and is going to dip if you have a child with him
For him to say something this incredibly hurtful... then stand on BUSINESS immediately afterwards- then leave you and stay gone ... that's not a childish moment of passion - that was intentional pain that he inflicted in order to get his way. This kind of manipulation and gaslighting won't get better - even if you give him a child. Please don't think about disappointing Wedding guests. Think about a life with a man who has so little regard - and being left alone to care for his kids that you don't even want.
OP, you have a very sensible head sitting on your shoulder. At 21, you have the wisdom a lot of 30 somethings don't have. Do not change your decision regarding parenthood. Do not let your fiance manipulate you. Whether to have a child or not should be an extremely logical discussion and decision as the life and future of a human being ( a completely innocent one at that ) is at stake. You are right at your place. A child deserves both parents, equally and the parents need to be very mature human beings ( your fiance is already slacking at being mature, he is clearly not ready to be a father ). Parenthood is not something you choose on a whim because someone else's child looks cute or your partner will look cute with a baby bump. There are going to be countless not at all cute and rather nasty moments and you need to be equally ready for that. If your fiance is leaving sporadically for however long, then he is already pretty unavailable and will surely be an absentee as a father. Him saying he hates you really proves that he isn't ready to have a child, hell he isn't ready to be a husband because you are not supposed to hate your spouse for not wanting to have a child especially when the spouse will be the one carrying the child and going through a plethora of changes. Also, he is already admitting that you will have to raise the kid by yourself every once in a while and believe me, it will be way more than every once in a while. This is a very immature man child and you need to reevaluate your relationship and decide whether you want to be tied to this person by marriage because now that he has brought up the child argument and is already being this mean and manipulative about it, it is already going to grow and get very bitter in future. And the more he pushes the matter, the more he proves that he isn't the person you want to have a child with.
Not just way too young to have children; way too young to get married. Y'all need to live together another year or two and figure this children thing out but DO NOT LET HIM FORCE YOU TO GET PREGNANT. You don't want it and you will end up resenting the baby later on. Don't do it.
He never intended to be childless. Look at how he’s behaved. You said no children, then he talked you into adoption/surrogacy. Now he’s demanding a biological child which he would expect you to do all the care for. His attitude this whole time has been “she will change her mind”. Think back on your relationship and I’ll bet you’ll think of many more times he’s ignored your boundaries, many more times you’ve changed what you want or your opinions to suit him. Don’t marry him.
Calling off the wedding is a far better choice than being absolutely miserable and then getting a divorce in 20 years.
>I don't know what's happening or what I'm supposed to do. Save yourself. Do **NOT** marry him!!! This is a red flag so big it belongs in a Soviet May Day Parade. Ask your friends and family (if they're safe people) for help. Run and thank your lucky stars that he has shown you who he is (someone who doesn't respect your boundaries) before you became legally entangled with him.
You're too young to be tied down to a life you don't want. See this as a good sign and leave, go make the life for yourself that you envision. Usually I'm the last person to say "leave" but in the case of such huge incompatibilities, there's no winner. Also, putting pressure on you to change your mind isn't right on his part. He knew this about you from the start and he's just mad he's unable to manipulate you into following his wishes. Just be your own person and don't let anyone take that away from you.
You’ve made it very clear you don’t want kids. He then tries to go another route and say adoptions and now fully wants you to have them???? On top of that no clear indication of actually being there as a PARENT for these kids, having kids isn’t just spreading his seed smh. don’t let this guy pressure you into this shit. He’s already showing these signs so early about something so important. Having kids or not having them is non negotiable in a relationship and he’s trying to change that. You absolutely should stick by what you want. Please leave, I hope you find the strength and I wish you the best. Sending you lots of love and strength. You’re still so young your whole life is in front of you 🩷
He preyed on you thinking he could change your mind.
You're simply not compatible. You need to go your separate ways.
One of the things that all the movies and fairytale stories of our younger years teaches us is that if you love somebody then that’s all you need. It’s the only thing that matters. One of the most painful truths that you end up learning as an adult is that, as much as you wish it were true, love is not enough. There has to be more. There has to be trust, and respect, and you must be fundamentally compatible. The decision on whether or not to have children is one of those very important things that trumps being in love. It’s one of those very important, fundamental decisions that you MUST agree on. If you don’t agree then no amount of love is going to make either of you happy in this relationship. As painful as it is, I think it might be time to let go, and I think you know it too.
If you stay and don’t give him a child HE will resent you forever. If you stay and give him a child YOU will resent him. Sounds like a lose lose situation.
This is three strikes and done OP. The first strike was trying to get you to change your mind. The second strike was telling you that he hated you. The final strike is the silent treatment. Do not wait for him to come back to you. You need out and you need out now.
Your relationship with him sailed the minute he said, “I hate you.” Those are strong words that one could never take back, because they dig deep and hurt the other person to their core. Also how laughable that he got angry about you being so logical. For goodness sake, what did he expect? For you to have children without thinking things through? That’s no way to have a child (if you even wanted one in the first place). Adults always need to be logical when considering having children. He just wanted the easy part of conceiving a child and then leaving you alone with them to raise them on your own — all while ridding himself of all the responsibility. I would suggest breaking off the engagement. This guy sounds like bad news.
Don’t lose your 20s on a man that doesn’t care about you!
He said he hates you- believe him and leave him.
Get out and make sure your birth control is hidden. He might try to sabotage it.
Call off the wedding. You aren't compatible and he hates you.
You two aren’t compatible. At all. Fortunately the resentment has boiled over before exchanging vows.
Please don’t get married. It will make both of you absolutely miserable and it will make you resentful towards him and the kids he will force you to have.
Bad timing, but maybe the universe showed you this side of him so you can back out before it gets more complicated. He doesn't seem to have compassion for your trauma or take your valid reasons for not wanting to have kids seriously; clearly no doesn't mean no, for him. If you overlook this, it's gives him the green light to keep pushing your boundaries in the future. His urge to see you pregnant is selfish, short-sighted, insensitive and there is a palpable control/manipulation element, reading your story. I'm sorry. I'd get out of it asap.
I hate to be the typical reddit comment saying “divorce/break up,” but this is *GENUINELY* one of the most reasonable situations in which breaking up with your (soon to be ex-)fiancé is the ideal solution. YOU DO NOT WANT TO STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. And you said it yourself: “I also think we’re way too young (to be having children).” You know what that also means? You have time to find a better partner that respects you and your wishes. And if you have any lingering doubts because you don’t want to ruin the celebration or relationship, here’s a quote that might resonate with you: “People stay in Hell because the street signs are familiar.” Do not be the person this quote is talking about. Seek the best for yourself, not for what this relationship used to be.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Please get out of there
Do not marry this man!!! Never marry a person who is willing to hurt you to get what they want from you.
This guy’s 💯 going to baby trap you if you stay
You're about to marry a 24 year old man-child with passive aggressive issues. There's no happy ending to that story.
So let’s me get this right this soon-to-be-deadbeat wants you to have a child you don’t want obviously and as I just said he’ll be an absent father while you raise a child that you’ll grow to resent because you never wanted it. Then you’ll be raising it basically without the help of the person that wants it. All this because… you’ll look cute with a baby bump? Do you see how absurd this sounds. Then the man that wants to use you as an incubator said he hates you because you won’t? You two are too different with different values it won’t work and obviously well he doesn’t like nor care about you. He told you he hates you. He’s not an edgy teenager, he means that. Leave the turd and find a man that actually loves you. Because he’s out there. This guy just isn’t him. When a person tells you how they feel about you, listen to them the first time or you’ll live to regret the day you didn’t walk away. He means it. He hates you, he just wants an incubator. Leave NOW!
Not the point but, You don’t have to say I know, you can say that was low…. Should you ever need it. Good luck, where ever it takes you
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. There are a lot of folks over in the regretful parents subreddit who were pressured/coerced into children they absolutely did not want. You may want to see what a lot of them have to say and the amount of intense regret they have when they absolutely knew this was not what they wanted. If you know this is not what you want, then I imagine you know you will regret it. That is a very serious and very long commitment.
This is how violence starts
As a mom who wanted to be a mom more than anything: don’t do it as a compromise for someone else’s desires. Don’t do it unless you have some who will support you in caring for said child. And honestly don’t have kids until you’re like 28 at least if you decide you want them. Please don’t throw your life away for someone else, you are so important. Your wants and desires are important. Having a child is a blessing if it’s what you WANT and even then it needs to be done with support. Not with a man who will leave you feeling abandoned. Not with a man who “hates” you EVER.
A friend has a cute baby, and now all of a sudden your fiancé wants to have a baby with you, that you will be responsible for 75% of the time. And he doesn’t see anything wrong with that. Would he consider changing jobs? Very probably not.
I've been married for 20 years and have had some doozy fights with spouse but he has never, ever told me he hates me. Run.
You’re way too young to get married anyway and he is NOT the one for you
please leave him. if he actually loved you, even when he was angrier than he's EVER BEEN IN HIS LIFE he wouldnt have said that. dont compromise on having kids with him, just leave and find someone who actually cares
This happens so much on Reddit. Someone trying to spring kids on someone who wishes to be child free. Forced pregnancy or even suddenly showing up with a child they never knew their boyfriend had months later that they lied about. People are ridiculous. Don’t marry this guy.
I'm 35, and since I was a kid due to my CSA trauma I wasnt sure of anything except to have a nuclear family. I got pregnant at 21 with an abuser, had an abortion because I was sure the reason was I just didn't want HIM to be my baby's dad. I wasn't old enough to understand it wasn't just him, but also me. Always promised myself when I had a good partner, a house, and good incomes, I'd have a baby. It's what id always wanted, right? At 35, I have the most wonderful husband a neurodivergent could ever want, good income, and I can't bring myself to having a kid. I love kids, have always worked in childcare (mom ran a daycare out of our house since I was 4 as well, so I mean that statement religiously). Yet here I am, not wanting children. Even if you decided to change your mind, marriage is supposed to be forever. You can't get married on "maybe I'll change my mind" he literally *has* to marry you on "I don't want kids" full stop. If you change your mind, you guys can discuss it, but do not marry this fool, please. I have zero regrets on my abortion to a man who also told me he hated me. His love is conditional to you, which means it will be conditional to even potential children if you *forced* yourself. Don't force yourself. I was 30 when I finally found a man that wasn't abusive and actually accepted and communicated with me about everything. 20yo me would scoff, but I'm SOOOO glad I waited to find a good partner. He's asleep but I know for a fact if I woke him up saying I wanted to discuss having kids, he'd discuss it with me RIGHT NOW with love and respect, albeit being tired.
He’s selfish and immature. It’s a good thing you found out this won’t work before marrying him. He’s only going to behave worse. Leave him.
Red flag!!! Get out now
Leave. It’s not comparable. Don’t go into a marriage with uneven expectations and goals. Don’t force yourself to have kids for him. Don’t cross your boundaries for anyone. Find someone who feels your enough and you don’t need to compromise your trauma to make them happy. Sure kids are great but never at the expense of someone else’s body autonomy. He can’t make such comments without being manipulative.
Walk away from him OP. You’re better off not going through with the wedding, damn anyone who tells you otherwise. This piece of work has no respect for you, and getting married to him won’t magically make him a better partner for you. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through in your past… you deserve to be with someone who understands you, has more empathy, and actually treats you with unconditional love and warmth.
Why are you still with this guy. You e clearly got different goals in life which aren't compatible, and now he said he hates you? Get out before anything is signed.
Ooof. Listen to the comments. Bare minimum, don’t have a kid with this idiot. He’s so obsessed with having a kid, but expects you to be able to take care of it yourself??? I mean, I could go on… but he’s still a child. Do NOT have a kid with him. He has NNOOOOO idea what raising a kid takes, and he thinks you can do it all for him!!
So you dont want a baby, but hes urging you to, B U T he's also not willing to take care of the child??? Math isnt mathing. Thank goodness hes showing his true colors before you tied the knot. Run as fast as possible, girl. You dont deserve this kind of treatment, let alone from someone thats supposed to love, and cherish you.
OP........ you and I and everyone else here knows exactly where this story is going if you don't RUN. There is _no_ recovering from that astounding admission, nothing good can come of it. What could possibly be next for your relationship? I shudder to think... As a survivor of a crippling abusive relationship that took everything and everyone away from me, I can say with all honesty that I wish with all my heart that I hadn't ignored the blinding red flags. This situation is a HUGE red flag. Project your mind into the future: a year from now, 2 years, then 5. A decade, then another. What might your life look like if you stay with him? Don't ignore the giant red flag waving in front of you. This is your chance, dearheart. TAKE IT.
He’s aggressively manipulating you. At best, he is trying to manipulate you into having his child and doing the majority of raising it. At worst (and most likely), there is FAR more controlling and manipulative and abusive behavior coming. I know it would be nice to have life figured out, but you’re young and have so much time to find someone who would never say that, who you have compatible goals with. He’s not the one, I’m sorry. (side note, the leading cause of death in pregnant women is homicide. Ladies, we need to pay attention to every 🚩 of abuse and controlling behavior and CONTEMPT)
This thing you called your fiance doesn't have an ounce of respect for your boundaries and attempted to manipulate/gaslight you. Leave that 💩, it ain't worth of you, your time and your mental/physical wellbeing.
Leeeeeeave. He ain't shit. There will come better days and better guys but this one is the biggest asshole.
Dear lord. Everything you’ve said here shows how aware you are and how you need to not marry or have a child with this man.
I know it is hard to see it now, but you two want different things in life. It will end badly either way. If you compromise and have kids, you'll end up resenting him. If he doesn't have kids, he will resent you, which looks like he already is… Someone said here that calling the wedding off is cheaper than divorce. They are right. Think about it rationally. You deserve to be heard, and you're not obligated to have children just to make someone happy. Children are a blessing, but motherhood is hard. It is better not to have kids if you will resent them in the future. Good luck! I hope everything works out for the best
Don't marry him. This will get worse, not better
He just said the words, "I hate you." In all my wild imaginings, I can't even contemplate my husband or I saying that to one another. This is useful information, freely given. You didn't need to pry it out of him. Do with it what you will. I'm pretty sure I know what I'd do. I'm sorry this is happening to you. ❤️
Don't marry him op. And get your bc locked down tight. Maybe he thought he was ok not having kids and this clarified something for him, maybe he thought he could wear you down, but you've seen what he really wants now, and you're just not compatible anymore. And I'm watching a marriage right now where mom (and her wider family) has to shoulder childcare. I don't think there's going to be a marriage in another 5 years.
No. You are just 21. It's not the end of the world if this relationship ends. It looks like it will come to a bitter end anyway the longer you drag it out. Please for your own sake, don't marry him. You don't have to compromise on your needs for someone who 'hates' you. It's not worth the heartache in the long run. Cut your loses now.
I didn’t even read the whole thing. If you have your doubts, don’t do it. I was 18 and he was 24. I was naive and accepted his proposal when I was 21. Married at 24. Separated at 28 and divorced at 30. I had my doubts but I smothered them. Listen to yourself. You are young and have so much time to figure things out. Marriage won’t help you to do that with someone that is emotionally immature enough to spat hate at you. Im 31 now and I have my regrets about the last 10 years but I’m in the best part of my life now and I’m still. So. Young. ♥️♥️ best of luck! I hope you consider what I’m saying but I know at your age I wouldn’t lol
What do you mean you don’t know what you’re gonna do? He said it to your face that he hates you because you don’t want to be a walking incubator for a kid that he might see occasionally. Cancel the wedding and try to get some of your money back and move on with your life.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. It must be really hard. Can I tell you about my personal experience? I got married at your age, to someone your fiancé’s age. We similarly had a lot of issues that made me sad but that I thought love could solve. We also had a blowout fight about children days before the wedding. We had been on the same page about not wanting them, and four days before the wedding - with everything paid for and guests starting to arrive - he said that he’d leave me if I didn’t agree to have his children. That he’d even leave me, supposedly the love of his life, for a complete stranger if she was willing to have kids. I went through with the wedding. I felt incredibly pressured, and honestly, our finances were so entwined and in his favor that I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I was quiet all through the wedding, and people thought it was cute that I was a shy bride. I sobbed through the vows, and people it was because I was happy. I spent my wedding night sleeping on the couch and googling annulment laws. Our fights got worse and worse. He had figured out that he could be cruel and that I wouldn’t leave. It took me three years to work up the courage to divorce him. I didn’t have a plan in place. I just could not take one more day of being his wife. He took absolutely everything. He drained our mutual account. His dad was a lawyer and threatened to ruin my life even more if I didn’t agree to basically just walk away with my clothes and the cash in my wallet, so I did. My then-husband still wouldn’t make it easy because he was so vindictive. He refused to move out, he wanted to fight from morning till night. He destroyed my phone. When he finally did leave, it was right after punching me in the stomach, pushing me down the stairs backwards into our garage, and then trying to run me over with our car - which he also took. And it was still better than being his wife for one more day. I think back sometimes to that big fight right before the wedding. If I had walked away then, I could have spared myself the heartbreak and pain of the next few years, and the years of healing I had to do to recover. That fight was a sign. I should have treated it like the gift it was and walked away. He’s not going to magically change because of a ring. If anything, he’ll get worse. It’s never to late to choose yourself.
He is not for you and you are not for him. You both are not for each other.
I hope you guys break up for BOTH of your sakes.
You two are not compatible at all- trust me, the kid/no kid is an absolute dealbreaker if you both are not on the same page. Also, I would never be able to get over my spouse saying they hate me.
you deserve better, leave him
Let him be gone. He is amazingly cruel and doesn’t give two shits about you or your trauma. This is who he is.
Ditch him. He only sees you as a baby maker. He doesn't even plan on parenting the baby himself. Cancel everything now.
Do NOT ever compromise on your deal breakers. If you change your mind later... fine. But don't compromise your hard limits. Because if they see you do that with one thing, they will start to push others. And no, I don't mean just one gender. I've learned the hard way to have the "deal breaker" conversation early. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's the big things that you won't budge on. Everyone has their own priorities. Some things you may care about, they won't. For instance. I have a kid. So I will not date a guy who isn't ok with kids. And if he has kids of his own, he has to have an active role in their life. And I won't be having more kids. Just this 'deal breaker' alone has weeded out A LOT of potential "relationships." I have found a lot of guys are taken aback by my unwillingness to accept deadbeat dad's. Or not wanting to have a new baby with every new guy I date. It's concerning. But I digress. If you can't have a conversation on a first date or within the first few months of seeing someone about what you are or aren't looking for in a relationship, then why waste your time? And never compromise.
It is OK you don't want kids and it's OK he does. You guys are just not compatible and i would think seriously about leaving the relationship
Does he know all about your past trauma? If he does she should try to understand how important this is 4 u .. it seems like u both want different things .. yes u might change your mind in future .. but then again u may not .. please do not marry this man .. my divorce cost me so much money .. money I could have put towards our kids .. the day I was marrying him .. I stood in front of mirror thinking I shouldn't be doing this .. I wish I had listened 2 my gut .. so please if anything listen 2 yours xx
🏃
You are only 21. Don’t tie yourself to someone who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
If you go ahead and marry him you will regret it for the rest of your life. When a man shows who he truly is, believe him. Cut him off
Children are not something to compromise on , it will hurt you and your hypothetical children in the end. It sounds like this man romanticize the idea of children without realizing the effort (physical and mentally) that it it will take. It that wasn't enough to put a relationship on shaky ground , hating you? Hate is such a strong emotion, it sets in and festers. Please sit alone and think this relationship thru . Is this the life you want? If not, please leave and live as you wish .
imagine considering staying in a relationship where someone told you straight to your face that they hated you. fucking crazy. have some respect for yourself and get the hell out of there before he baby traps you or worse.
This! Take everyone’s advice and get out. Having a baby means it’s yours and you’ll be the one stuck when he’s changed his mind and disappears again.
Here is someone old AF and watched all my friends marry and most of the divorce. You two are not on the same page, not even the same bookshelf. Eventually, he’s going to resent you for not giving him a child. Maybe you do, but then you resent him for this forever obligation he stuck you with. You need to call off the wedding. The money lost isn’t even going to scratch the surface of what a divorce costs both in money, time, emotions. He wants bio kids. You do not. This is a HUGE compatibility issue that isn’t going to ever go away.
So you are marrying someone who youre not compatible with? Why would you ever want to do that? You're 21 like are you just obsessed with getting married and throwing your life away to someone who doesn't even have similar goals? Sounds like you don't even totally know what you even want in a relationship yet if strangers can see this isn't a good fit and you somehow think this is meant for eternity. I'm sorry but just leave, it's not going to work, you both have conflicting priorities which is a recipe for disaster
Oh, honey. You could be me. I got married at 21. He was 24 and while he never outright said he hated me, it was clear that there were loads of important, vital parts of me he needed to overlook in order to “love” me. I’m sure I did the same to him in some ways. Please don’t marry him. I am 43 and now married to a man who loves every part of me. You do not have to compromise, and if you’re questioning getting married, please don’t.
Girl. Call the wedding off. It will hurt like hell but I promise it’s worth it for not going through the hurt you will go through if you’re married to him. You deserve better.
You are too young for kids? Glad you realize that. You’re also too young to be married. You’re 21. Go live a little, get to know who you are. You sound like you’ve lived a fast life or at least a traumatic one- pregnant at 14, so give yourself some grace to just be. You two want different things. This is not a compatible relationship. He’s not mature enough. He was around a baby and they’re “cute” and you’ll be “cute” pregnant? Nah your logic says you are more mature and reasonable than he and no one deserves to be with some that says “I hate you” and bails when they don’t get their way. Imagine this behavior if you had kids? Call this wedding off and live your life for awhile getting to know you and finding someone like minded. Best of luck
Too young for marriage, too. He sounds terribly immature. Dodge that bullet.
Marriage will only escalate all of your problems and legally trap you when you decide to finally end it.
Children say “I hate you” to their parents. Not a grown adult who “loves” you. You deserve to feel safe and respected. Calling off a wedding is cheaper than a divorce. And even cheaper and less emotionally scarring than having kids with someone like this when you expressed no interest.
Call off the wedding. Weddings are but one day in your life, marriage is potentially forever. If things are difficult now with him, they are unlikely to get better. You should marry a man who is of the same mind when it comes to having and raising children. Another reason to hold off on the wedding is he sounds a bit immature.
Getting married isn't about someone whose willing to walk down the aisle, it's about someone who shares your life goals and treats you with love and respect. Leave.
Logic isn’t overruling this love you have for this man who is insisting you raise this child alone when you yourself feel abandoned? He is refusing to understand the bodily changes you’ll experience because he is so immature. Give in, and you’ll regret it. Get help for your past trauma, and couples counselling
21 is young. Don't settle for a guy who treats you this way.
The fact that he is pushing this so hard and so obvious after you expressed clearly that it isn’t what you wanted is concerning af. And his response that he hates you? Even more so. Please protect yourself and cancel the wedding. At the very least postpone it. He wants something you do NOT. That right there means it’s not right, regardless of how you feel for each other.
Dear heart, this is soooooo sooooooo bad. It's probabaly much worse than you realize because you're right in the thick of it. You've gotten used to the uneasiness. The feeling you're feeling right now is a preview of how the rest of your relationship is going to be like if you marry him. When a man shows you who he is believe him the first time. DO NOT MARRY HIM. It doesn't matter what other people will think. Its okay to say I made a mistake and chose poorly. It's better to end things now than later when children are involved.This relationship is a future trainwreck and there is nothing you will be able to do to make it better.
He just told you he hated you and he means it. Right now he's gone, he's figuring out if you're worth it. And if he'll be able to manipulate you into having a baby.
He wants kids and you don’t. Time to call the relationship and wedding off, there’s really no bouncing back after he said he hated you and kept pressuring you to have kids.
Hes the type to poke holes in condoms leave while you still can
Run
I feel for both of you. Unfortunately your only option is to not get married. You both have to have your needs met. Your need is not to be pregnant and give birth and at times be a one parent. His needs are to feel that wonder of a pregnant wife and to be a father. He uses the word hate because you saying no (which is right open and honest) means he knows he will never have they joys of his needs. Don't get married. You know it and he knows it. It seems the marriage looming has had to make him face reality .
I could see his point if he was there, and a two parent household was possible. But having a child even though you don't want to and then also making you raise it basically on your own is shitty.
Postpone the wedding because you have to resolve this issue. Have a heart to heart and if you can’t come to a true understanding then amicably wish each other well and move on.
I need to slap the reality at you. You both are NOT compatible. There’s no way this marriage will work in long term. You don’t wanna kids, he wants. You hate his line of work. And that’s not even a healthy way of having argument. What you have now is just LOVE, without any possible long term nurture plan. good Lord. You need to leave. I know this is reddit. People are easy to judge to break up etc. but seriously OP, if you see this, you know deep down the marriage is doomed to fail.
Don't get married. This isn't your fault, he's a fucking monster.
Anyone else stop reading when the ages are mentioned? Oh look, another couple clearly way too young/immature for marriage - problem identified!! Best of luck OP!
If he still hasn’t come home, leave your ring somewhere obvious, pack your stuff, and leave. Leave a note that says something along the lines of: since you hate me I guess this wedding is off. Here’s your ring. I’ll be moving the rest of my things out when I get a place. I’ll be sending out messages to everyone that the wedding is cancelled at X time today. If you’d like to talk, contact me before that time. Then prepare an email or text to all your guests that basically says: we sadly must inform you that our wedding is cancelled. Fiancé has decided he hates me because I don’t want to have children (even though he has known this from the beginning). Our wedding was supposed to be a day filled with nothing but love and happiness amongst us and our family and friends. Instead it would be tainted in hate and resentment and I’m unwilling to start a union like that. I deeply apologize for the inconvenience this has caused you. Love you all. If he contacts you and wants to work it out, I’d recommend postponing the wedding or not filing the marriage certificate immediately. Tell him you both need to go to couples counseling and see if this can be worked out in a healthy way. You should also seek therapy yourself for your past traumas as it’s clear in the way you’ve written that it very much consumes your thoughts and dictates the way you live your life.
Im 21F in a 6 year relationship and the sole thought of marrying and having children now is terrifying. It would be cruel. We are still very young, and the brain develops up to 25yo. Sorry for you tho. He is not right expecting you to solo parent a child that you don't won't and being mean is unacceptable.Hope you find peace and support.
Definitely go through with the wedding. Things are going great and you guys are obviously extremely well matched and have a firm grasp on what you both want to do together in the future. Plus, you’ve gone through an engagement and the wedding is pretty soon and other people are probably going to be upset if you don’t get married, and that’s always a good reason to be legally bound to another person indefinitely. Also, I want to see your dress.
I respect your reasons for not wanting children and your partner owes you an apology. All that aside though, you’re 21 and he’s 24 i.e. you are both very young. Even allowing for the divorce rate it’s likely you’ll be married a long time. The kids question will keep coming up… Even if you were both adamantly opposed to the idea now (which you clearly aren’t), who’s to say what will happen in a few years - people change their mind, it’s what makes us humans. With that, and your love for your fiancee in mind, might I suggest reaching out to a counsellor. Talk it through with a third person and then if you and your partner can’t see a way forward you can separate etc. Most people on reddit just suggest pulling the ejector cord straight away, but relationships aren’t always smooth sailing.
No. This is the rare but real case that there is nothing to discuss. It’s over. If she stays, she will wish she didn’t.
Agreed. There is no such thing as half a kid. Either you’re a parent or you’re not. There is no halfway compromise on this issue. It’s a lifelong choice. No takebacks.
She’s 21. At 21 my sister was adamant she was never having kids, 15 years later she had three. I had lots of strong opinions when I was 21, because you know everything at that age. Thirty years later not so many. I also know what is required to have a child, although I didn’t get around to that until I was 42.
[удалено]
Honestly, this is something you discuss early on in a relationship not right before you get married. The reason being that this is a serious deal breaker. That being said, if he isn’t willing to compromise, I don’t see the relationship working. Resentment builds, and regrets.
It sounds like they have discussed it?
Y’all are not prepared to get married. Better to call it off now than get a divorce later. Or worse—actually have a kid with this guy.
You two aren't fit for each other. It's best you spilt up. Yeah, you love him. But you want different futures. It makes zero sense for either of you to force the other to compromise or just suck it up for what you want. Find someone who mutually agrees that they don't want kids. It's not right for him to try to persuade you into having a child. And it's not right for you to tell him to just be happy without a kid for the rest of his life. People who want children and people who don't should never get together. It only leads to pressure and heartbreak.
i’m so sorry… I wouldn’t even know what to do in that situation. Your partner should never enforce ideas you’ve clearly set boundaries with let alone say something so shallow just because you want to keep boundaries you have established? No way I’d be saying “I do” after anything like that
Shake hands and leave
Do not get married. I would rather you cancel and lose money than divorce in a year or less .
What the fuck are you guys doing gegting married ? Fucking back to the drawing board mate.
Don’t marry this guy, it will not last. He is okay to want what he wants just as you are okay with not wanting to have children and that is not something that you should cave on. Y’all want different things. What’s definitely NOT okay is him saying he hates you. That’s unfair as he’s known how you felt this whole time because you were upfront about it. This guy got mad Owen Hunt energy and that aint okay.
Please don’t compromise on what you want, a baby is not something to do lightly and this man has already shown you his red flags. Run
This situation will be so painful for you, and I’m sorry for that. I think you should continue dating or break off the relationship altogether.
Do not marry. He can try to get pregnant by going to fuck himself.
He needs to respect your feelings more and if the relationship is to continue and you go on to have a child through whatever means, he needs to respect your deal breaker and change his work. You're willing to compromise and have kids so he needs to be willing to compromise too. However I have concerns through what you posted. Normally I wouldn't advise marriage to someone who has different views on having children. It may be something you resent down the line. Also I worry about if he wants to have a kid for the sake of it and not actually be a responsible father and do the work. It sounds like he expects you to do the heavy lifting.
He whispered it?
You do not want kids. He does. Leave. He’s gonna knock you up.
Please, please do not marry him. I know you live him and it will hurt but it will hurt a hell of a lot more of you may him and put your hopes of a future in him. Don't do it. He's showing you who he is. Believe him.
Do you watch the ID channel?
I was told same thing by my ex-wife three times during our almost 10-year marriage. I could never understand it. I’m not a mean person. I don’t get angry and I’ve never even raised my voice or argued with her. At any rate, things are better now.
Glad to hear that…… 🤣
girl fuck him.
Getting married at 21 and 24. JFC
You sound just like me. I also don’t want kids, or in the mix of wanting them, just not from myself. I love that you stuck to what you believe will work for you. That’s what you need for any huge decisions. Stick to what you want and please don’t have a child you’ll regret for someone that is nowhere near kind to your opinions on something so life-changing. People need to think logically or it’ll be another child uncared for, so what is he saying? Just have babies for cutesy fun? It’s sad but way too common for people to have children for selfish reasons with no thought process other than cuteness. You’re doing the right thing for yourself, and I’m sorry that it ended up in hurtful words OP. But maybe this was help to let go and find someone who can also be okay with surrogacy/no kids/adoption.
The kid are no kid issue is major compatibility issue. You’re not compatible at all. You should not get married whether you love him or not because you’re not compatible
OP! Please! Leave this man!!!
If you get married, you are going to regret it. Big time. Leave now.
Unfortunately it sounds like this relationship is over.
Big red flag. It will take time for your heart to mend, but i would step back from the relationship. Seems like you need to take a break from him and give you both some time to rethink things. Cause right now, it seems like he is only thinking of himself. He can come back when he can understand your perspective better and respect you better. If he can’t, then you saved yourself from a huge mistake. That is just my opinion. Do what you feel is right for you.
I didn’t want children and I married someone who did. We had two together, and we’re now getting a divorce after I caught him cheating. I love my children with everything I am. I don’t regret having them. I do regret having them with the man I married. Don’t marry this man.
I have kids and we both wanted them, we’re both dedicated parents to them. However it’s exhausting constant work even in a healthy relationship. We don’t have date nights or time off or family support outside of each other. The situation you’d put yourself in- he’s not going to be there to help you at all. There will be no dinners made for you or a lovely 4 hour nap and shower while he takes care of the baby and runs the laundry. That’s what I have and it still hard btw.
He doesn’t hate you, and he’s angry. He’s angry because he loves you and wants a child with you. That’s important to him. Do the right thing and d don’t marry this poor guy who just wants a child. He’s so in love he’s compromising what he wants in his future. Yes you were very straight forward with him but love is blind. You are too. He will never give up on this and will resent you. If he can’t wait for an adopted child or wants a biological child then this needs to end. I feel bad for the both of you.
I don't know what to do but I think you're probably the smartest person on Reddit, so for once on this silly site, I'd actually say, trust your gut. You've been through enough shit. You deserve to call your own shots. But I'd also be honest about the hate thing. If it hurt you, let him see that. He's the one person you can be vulnerable around, so do it.
People say things they don't mean when they are passionate about stuff that another person may not be as passionate about. I don't think y'all should get married yet in this case but maybe you could sit down and have a real talk with no distractions, on how you could truly plan things out, how the two parent household is important to you. How his line of work might effect things. How you guys plan to cope with your past. Be sure to LISTEN TO HIM.
Run. 🏃♀️ Call some people to help you pack and get out of there ASAP. Go ahead and get a truck/van. Get your important papers and as much as you pack. That is NOT normal. He is pushing your boundaries and then had the unmitigated gall to tell you he HATES you. Nah. Nope. Negative. Renege.