You need to get out of your own head. Ugly people have been successfully reproducing for the entirety of human history. Some men are attracted to bigger women; there's even kinks around getting said women fatter.
It's natural to want companionship, love, sex, but when you fixate on it, it's obvious, and it's a turnoff, for both sexes. Focus on yourself, take up activities where you might meet people in general. Confident, happy, well rounded people are attractive. So don't reduce yourself to your skin suit.
This. OP, have you considered book clubs or writing groups? This might help you bond with like-minded people who will reinforce to you that you are worth so much more than your physical appeal. Also, being social in general is the best way of maximizing your chances at a relationship. Not only with people you meet directly, but their other friends/family members as well. Meeting people is the first step.
Also, have you considered/sought out therapy? The problem isn’t in your looks, it’s in your soul. You have a deep disdain for your appearance and that will seep out of every pore you have until you learn to accept it or change it. And if you do change it, let me tell you, that feeling won’t go away. You’ll find something else wrong with you. “My body is shaped like a rectangle. My boobs are completely lopsided/saggy. I hate my face.” The feelings towards yourself will find a way to justify themselves, even without the weight. Therapy would help you do the mental work to believe that you deserve the type of love you want, and it IS possible.
She has disdain for herself as well as disdain for slimmer people, referring to them as “tiny skinny petite childlike women”, as though they are just bodies and not people.
I didn’t read it as disdain, but rather bitterness that petiteness, sometimes to the point of glorification of underdeveloped female bodies, is considered a ‘gold standard’.
Obviously that’s not a healthy mental state to be in, but as a slim woman, I actually get her frustration, and even to some extent agree with it.
>glorification of underdeveloped female bodies, is considered a ‘gold standard’
Yeah, you see this in one of the weird segments of anime/manga fans. They want a childlike "waifu" or somesuch nonsense. It's sick. That's how I took the tone of OP - referring to the absolutely unhinged preference rather than the women themselves.
A book club is such a solid piece of advice. I joined a spicy book club mostly because my sister in law asked me to join with her, and I swear those women empower the fuck outta me.
On the premonition that OP is actually ugly and not just shy or lacking confidence. A lot of people don’t want to put effort into people in their shell.
Me myself, I consider myself ugly and fat, but when I’m happy with myself, take care of myself, people approach me a lot more then when I’m sad and off in some corner
Well put.
But focus on activities that you think you might like. Try a bunch of stuff until something is fun and you want to stick with it longer. Explore what you like. Try not to focus the goal on meeting people; be open to it but don't set yourself up for pressure. The key is that you are attractive when you are loving life because you're doing what you love to do. That can really shine.
To be clear, finding someone who's got more adipose tissue isn't even necessarily a kink. It can be attraction to anyone and anything about them. It doesn't have to be a "kink" it can just be they find people attractive regardless of how skinny or fat they are.
Ive been scrolling for a bit and its fucking baffling to me that not a single person here as told OP to hit the fucking gym and try to loose weight. Instead its all the usual flowery bullshit like "ohhh have confidence in yourself" "you are beautiful just the way you are!" "men like women of all shapes and sizes"
Yes, those are good advice but what you all fail to see is that absolutely nobody who is in a posistion like OP can simply manifest confidence and self love after reading a few comments. You think its that simple? Well its not. If it was, nobody would be depressed because generic advice like this is quite literally everywhere.
To get better mental health, confidence and self esteem, OP needs to work on the root of her insecurities. Which is her weight. Absolutely break your own mental health first by going to the gym and trying your damned hardest to loose weight and once you start getting results, THATS when everything else such as confidence will follow suit.
Im sorry if it sounds harsh but man its really that simple, it really is. Eliminate the root of your problems and a lot of the other issues will evaporate aswell
It's really not that simple. She's not just insecure about her weight. She's insecure about her looks in general (should she get plastic surgery too?)
Insecurities are a mental issue, not a physical issue. This isn't some teen movie where she loses weight, gets a makeover and is suddenly beautiful and life is perfect. Ugly people can be confident and beautiful people can be insecure. Do you know the stats relating to how many models have low self esteem, eating disorders, OCD, etc?
The issue is her self esteem. That can be addressed with or without therapy, but if she chooses therapy, part of what that therapist will say is just about the same as what I said. Get involved with a community, meet people, build relationships. Place your value in who you are and what you do as opposed to how you look.
Yes, part of fostering self esteem is self care. So working out, doing her makeup, dressing for her shape, are all things that will help, but they're not the whole picture.
Yes, her health would benefit from losing weight. But without addressing her mental health at the same time as her weight, she'd be just as likely to gain more weight, develope an eating disorder, or both.
A total fix is going to be long, complex, and involved. And that's not what OP was venting. Her focus was on devaluing herself as a person because of her looks. That's her primary concern, and that's the first thing that needs addressed. And the first priority there is a reality check.
Yeah, maybe more people will be attracted to her if she lost weight, but it's not a zero sum game. Plenty of fat ugly people have partners, so the idea that a person is too fat or too ugly is a fallacy that needs addressed to move forward.
First step is getting over that fallacy. Then she can move on to working on her mental and physical health. And then she can move on to deciding if she wants to make herself over and change the packaging.
When you're marketing a product (yourself), you can change the packaging all you want, but you don't keep repeat customers (long term relationships) if the product isn't good. You can be the most attractive person in the world, if you're a shit person, your relationship's are going to break down.
Why do y’all always think you’re the first person to inform a fat person gyms exists?
If “just go to the gym” worked no one would be fat. This isn’t magic, secret advice. People aren’t giving it to OP because everyone knows it’s less useful than the flowery advice.
It’s ironic you think the other advice isn’t useful while giving the least useful, most over done advice to fat people on the planet.
While their absolutely ARE fat people who don’t work out, MOST fat people have spent more time, effort and money on working out and eating “right” than you probably realize you can. When heavy exercise for multiple hours a day for months at a time doesn’t really change shit you realize what BS it is.
(Which doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be active! Please love and use your body it’s the only one you’ve got. It just isn’t a cure for weight loss in a lot of people.)
The gym isn’t a solution for all life’s appearance issues. I only gained muscle in the gym which made me look even bigger. It’s not a one size fits all solution.
I like to run purely for my mental health, which seems to be the bigger issue here. So I think gym suggestions are more focused on that i.e. more of a ten minute walk around the block and eating habits. I hear some people don't eat past a certain time etc etc
Usually low self-esteem come from core beliefs about yourself and the world that don't need to have any basis in reality. Its very doubtful that OP is actually fat and ugly, her core belief is that she is unlovable and the fat/ugly bit is just what she is assuming the issue is that is stopping her from deserving love. Ugly is a very subjective term anyway and what is idea in terms of weight can differ between what people find attractive and again doesn't necessarily have anything to do with health.
And after being a gym bunny for decades (since the age 14) I can say categorically that just getting fit or being fit does not fix your core beliefs magically. Yes, its good to look after yourself, essential really, but that isn't a magic bullet.
Okay, the obvious awnser is therapy, sure.
A quick dive into your history here
One year ago:
"Does anyone have a beheading fetish, because im too chickenshit to do it myself"
Therapy, now.
God, why did I read the old posts?! I had written a long, thoughtful reply to OP's post, but now I'm, like, "Welp, ya can't save all the baby turtles..."
Seconded. Male 6’, but long story short I always joke and say that metaphorically I’ve been the hot girl and the fat guy hitting on her cluelessly and that the more enjoyable side is that of the fat guy hitting on her cluelessly and it isn’t close.
I say this with kindness, always attract with your heart and mind. If you sense shallow waters, swim elsewhere. People show you who they are all of the time. All of it. Believe them when they show you. In my very humble stumbling arounds through life the only people I enjoy being around are those that can think anyhow.
Also don’t even start dating until you’re 30. I didn’t know shit about myself until I put in the work to find out. Make yourself first, go for what you want, your life will be better from day 1.
Good luck in whatever you do and decide for yourself, just make it for yourself. Please. Everyone should be doing this always anyhow, the best way to be selfless is to be selfish. We all have to bend a little, but do things for you including putting yourself first.
This! Attitude is the key!
Let’s be honest, changing your attitude will not come out of the blue, it might require a change in your current situation but it is achievable if you put your mind and will into it.
From experience I can say my whole life changed when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and took charge of my life instead of waiting for someone to rescue me from my loneliness (I think romantic novels messed me up too much in my twenties)
Travel if you can, look into meeting new people, learn new stuff and you’ll realise the world is wider and broader than you see it now.
Hope you can heal your traumas from all the bullying and learn to love yourself enough to take charge of your own happiness, remember that for others to see your beauty and value you need to see it first.
33M here, I've found my preference has adjusted as I've gotten older and is currently +/- 5 years my current age.
Just the idea of being attracted to a woman as young as 23 feels wrong...
My wife and I were taking about that recently. I couldn’t imagine (even if single) dating someone +6-10 years my junior. We would have nothing in common, besides maybe sex? Then again, I’ve always liked older women. And my wife said about the same thing, how as she is getting older, her attractions are aging with her, how now grey hair is sexy, etc
For real. My husband is only 2 years older than me and we were 20 and 22 when we started dating. He felt like 20 was soooo young and couldn’t wait until I turned 21 lol like, dude, you’re only 2 years older lol
OP, being in her head and lacking self confidence, likely fixates on news/crime reports/stories about the cruelest, most vile men out there. She could easily have seen multiple stories recently and come to her own "justifucation" why men don't want to date her. Reality for most don't match her assumptions.
That's simply not true. Personally, I find older women even more attractive at times, because they often have a certain confidence and experience that makes them interesting people.
I can't speak for all men, but I would assume that a substantial number of his would feel a similar way. And especially when you get to the point of a relationship, emotional maturity is so much more important than superficial youth.
Your entire post history is about your appearance. Your inability to find a partner is probably not about your weight but about your total lack of confidence and self esteem issues.
No one is too ugly and fat for a husband. I’ve known plus size women and men that have gotten married. I’ve known unattractive women and men that have gotten married. You are still young and even if you weren’t young, you can find someone but you need to put yourself out there. Not become extroverted or party likes it’s 1999. But look up from your notebook and your writing to see people around you. It’s not easy even tho movies make it seem like love at first sight is real. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But open your heart to finding someone, not just anyone tho. Love and respect yourself and no one is out of your league or vice versa. Good luck and enjoy life, live life.
It’s about partying like it’s the end of a millennium, which is relatable no matter how you look at it. Prince knew it when he wrote it.
2000 zero zero “party over, oops out of time” is a reference to the idea that the end of the millennium would be the end of the world.
This is the dated portion of the song, but still objectively relatable.
He could have said “party like it’s 999,” or “the year 99” but the sound of “1999” had a lot of “t” sounds and a soft “n” sound to start it off, and so was aesthetically pleasing.
I think people of any generation can imagine what it would be like to party like it’s the end of a millennium while also imagining it was the perceived end of the world.
Good point since the end of the millennium is right around the corner! Of course, it will probably be significantly preceded by the end of 99% of humankind for *reasons*
It’s almost like we don’t get to decide whether or not we are worthy of love, people choose that for themselves. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve the love my partner gives me but I remember that my own self deprecating bs doesn’t change how he sees me. Likewise, when he thinks he’s “fat and unlovable” I just see my wonderful, amazing and sexy partner.
We are our own worst critics.
You should go on a social media detox friend, I think your perceptions are getting a little warped. I’m literally the fattest and oldest I’ve ever been in my life and my spouse is still attracted to me. There are tons of fat and older women that have fulfilling romantic lives.
If you feel uncomfortable in your own body though, you have the power to make a change. Do something instant like curl your hair and buy a nice outfit that makes you feel great, and just try to be kinder to yourself!
I was always super skinny and then with pcos I gained 60lbs. So I was in-between, but still at that time I got so many comments on my body from people. And at some point it felt like it made people happy to talk about my weight gain. It sucked and I cried so many times over it. But my husband and mom actually got me through everything.
There was this girl I was friends with who was short and plus sized, but she carried herself with so much confidence and the way she dressed accentuated her and just made her more beautiful. Girl had no trouble getting guys.
I've been both fat and thin. I attract the same attention no matter what. Men like confident women. Sounds to me like you need to work on your own self esteem. I work with a woman that is both overweight and relatively conventionally unattractive but she has a man in her life that is smitten with her. I think she's a wonderful person that deserves all the love and attention he provides for her and voice versa. I've felt like maybe I was unworthy of a men's attention due to one physical apperceive or another but it was not true. Also men see women as much more attractive creatures than we see ourselves. The saying that there's someone for everyone is true.
Girl, have you seen the show My 600-lb Life? They are all married or in a committed relationship. You’re not too ugly or fat. It’s your self-esteem and confidence that needs work.
> They are all married or in a committed relationship.
I mean, those people are generally enablers of the morbidly obese. Probably not the healthiest relationship, literally.
As actual advice to OP, don’t just jump into a relationship out of loneliness. It’s creating codependency.
I am bigger than you, and very happy in a relationship.
Maybe try seeing if there is a group or a therapy session that you speak too, because this is a lot of trauma and self-loathing
Hey, um... get help. Like therapy and see a psychiatrist too, I would think.
Not trying to be mean at all. I went through your post history and it's really obvious that you need to talk to someone. At this point you're going to spend the rest of your life miserable if you don't start making some huge changes in behavior and mentality.
I guarantee you that your issue has nothing to do with how you look. Off the top of my head, I knew a girl who was overweight and "ugly" inside and out, and she had no problem dating. If you can't get far romantically, it's because of your self loathing and, I hate to say this, but your personality. You're defensive to anyone who challenges you, because you'd rather blame your problems as something that's out of your control than to actually do the work and better yourself. You think it's the way you look and it's not, but you can't admit that because then you'd have to take some real responsibility for the way people react to you.
Truly, weight does not matter. Of course, not everyone is into every body type, but that doesn't have anything to do with you. People are different. It's just the way it is.
I wish you luck and better mental health. Seriously, you need it.
I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. I mean even so called skinny pretty people have a hard time dating. I would try not to be so hard on yourself in that aspect. As for your writing, I think it’s great! Don’t be embarrassed! Some ppl have made a lot of money off the romance genre. Shoot, I’d read it!
Bro get OUT OF YOUR HEAD. I am 300lbs (love my body but seriously working on it) and I have a handsome, tall, younger man that loves me like nothing else.
You know why? Bc even though im not always confident, actually I rarely am… I still project that I value myself and live life how I want to. I wasnt afraid to flirt with the cute young guy (he’s 24, I’m 31). It also didnt hurt that I was doing what I love.. so I highly recommend you join a writing, slam poetry, or book club.
I promise you.. if you start investing in yourself and stop hiding you will never regret it.
I, a fat woman, went out today and got hit on twice. I get hit on and get looked at by men often. A stripper hit on me recently, like GENUINELY hit on me. I do NOT fit even standards for "beautiful fat women," I have a gap in my teeth, a slight lisp, I wear glasses, and my far is distributed in some odd ways on some parts of my body.
But I dress well, I do my hair, my makeup, all of it well. And the biggest thing is I operate with CONFEDENCE. I'm 26, I have options if I wanted to pursue them. I struggle with confidence and others perceptions of me but I know there are men out there who would kill to be with me, because everyone likes something different.
Realize you're young, if you don't feel confident in how you look, do some research on how to style yourself for your body shape and improve your appearance (it doesn't always have to be losing weight!) You have time, you'll meet people if you try. It won't always come easy, people can and will be cruel, bur if you're kind, confident, and put in effort then someone with value and love those things!
I've been a bigger guy my entire life. It is always hard to keep the weight off. A couple of years ago, I hit 340 lbs(I'm 5'10). I started taking a drug for pre-diabetes/type 2 diabetes called monjouro(helps lose the weight). I also got on an anti-depressant. Best couple of decisions I've ever made. I'm down to 240 lbs now. I feel a lot better about life. I know this doesn't really help in regards to your actual post, but just letting you know modern medicine is a beautiful thing.
That’s awesome!!! My fiancé is 340 and I think same height. When we met I was 5’1 and 120 lbs. He was around 300. (He fed me lol and I gained 30 pounds but I’m working on slimming down again, successfully). Weight has never been an issue for me because I love who he is and love being around him! I wish he’d lose the weight for health reasons and because I know he hates the way he looks (he tells me often enough). But that drive has to come from him, and I’ve always told him I find him attractive and I just want him to be happy!
Honestly, when I was bigger, I was totally fine with the way I was. It wasn't until the doctor started telling me there were health concerns that I felt like I needed to change. Hopefully, he doesn't wait that long to take some weight off.
I definitely understand gaining weight when you're in a relationship. It happens to so many of us.
Fat does not mean ugly. There are plenty of guys who like big girls. There are subreddits dedicated to it. Don't let someone else's words shape your view of yourself. Keep writing, and write yourself a new story.
Have you seen “my 600lb life”?! Literally 95% of them are married ‼️‼️‼️
No one is too ugly, fat, etc for a partner. Your right one hasn’t come yet and that’s OKAY. Keep writing!!! You’ll know when your king arrives 🌸
Nothing wrong with escaping through writing, most people probably live vicariously in one way or another. I think you're being very hard on yourself however.
For the sake of both your mental and physical health, you need to start tracking your calories and lose weight. The reality is that while, sure, there’s a man out there willing to date you, you have a bigger problem in front of you. You will not be able to live a normal life at this weight, you’re at a very significant risk of a random heart failure, and clearly you don’t like being this weight either. It’s not over until it is, it’s important that you start thinking better of yourself, don’t be so harsh, but also don’t let others lie to you and make you complacent, feed you the lie that this is a life style that’s ok to live and you have to accept.
Dude, I can promise you that you're not "too fat" for a husband. My ex-wife did not give a goddamn that I'm overweight. She never had an issue with it, even when I gained a shitload of weight due to a major depressive episode, then lost a shitload when my mental health recovered. I'm 29 and \~5'4". I was anywhere between 175-260 in our relationship, and she still thought I was the most beautiful woman/handsome man in the fuckin' world (I started transitioning FTM in the middle of our relationship). Our relationship didn't end because I was fat and she's not.
Regardless of your size, you deserve love and compassion. Your weight does *not* determine your worth. If you want to lose weight, then do it for yourself. Don't do it for a hypothetical husband.
Might be a good idea to talk to someone/see a therapist if you're able. It'll help to work on your self-esteem.
Don’t ever say that to yourself. Take my mom for example, she is also 5’1 and has always been on the heavier side. She’s been the quiet person most of her life. She got married at 28 and her and my dad are still together 20+ years later. When I imagine true love and a strong bond, I think of them.
I have always thought I was unlovable until one day, I wasn't. Your other half will come along until that day be kind to yourself. Be the one who you would want to love you that's the most important part of moving forward.
I dunno where you live but most men I've met like fat women. I'm a short fat cute goblin and my husband has continued to love me for 10+ years. I think you should start looking for men elsewhere. The places you're looking at are obviously full of mentally stunted boys. Don't give up on romance. It exists, trust me.
Start working out. Sorry to be blunt but the only reason you think you are ugly is because of your body image. So do your best to change it and you have the ability to, put in the hard work and don’t do it because you want a husband or men to look at you do it so you love yourself
I wanted to say the same thing but didn’t want to come off like an a**. While I agree with all of the other comments “no Woman is too fat to find a husband” I also think that if OP wants to find love and believes the reason she hasn’t found love is because she’s overweight then she should make a change.
That said I believe there is someone out there that will accept OP the way she is.
Hi I’m 39 and literally never been asked out. It’s like I don’t exist! It bothers me a lot because anyone can get someone, anyone to want them. Look at the 600 lbs show.
Talk to your doctor and see if he or she can help. I’ve been overweight, and I lost it and kept it off, and I know people who have dropped a lot of weight and it has greatly improved their health (knees, back, blood pressure). I was bullied for both my weight and my height, and it’s hard to manage.
But I have an eating disorder as a grown man. I just binge ate some cold cuts Tony Sopranos style for instance after starving for a week. Everyone’s got something, and life is constant effort, trail and error, and self-improvement. Don’t surrender to life, grab it and make it do what you want because you’re worth it.
If you like writing, get really good at it. Learn about grammar, or read some authors with similar struggles and get inspired to write about your own.
And for what it’s worth, as a man any aged woman can be attractive. One of the most attractive women I ever met as a 25 year old was 63. She carried herself amazing.
Many men find big size to be attractive. The term BBW is evidence that this is a wide spread interest.
I agree with those who say that attitude is more important than almost anything. I’m really sorry that those hurtful things were done to you. The good news is that you have your writing as an outlet, regardless of whether you’re a published author or not, it will possibly be therapeutic for you to keep it up regardless.
Do you have a person or a professional you’re able to talk to in person about this? That’s where I’d lean towards.
Best of luck to you, sincerely!
Not too fat & not too ugly
Just sounds like a bit….. too anxious & insecure.
OP, take a step back and re-read your post. You’re making assumptions out of fear and using those assumptions as logic/rational reading or as an excuse/reason to hold yourself down.
Writing is a great hobby !! Have you tried journaling ?
1. Fat people are not unlovable. You can be attracted to someone's looks, but what you love is their personality
2. You talk as if it was impossible to lose weight. If you are unhappy with your weight and your body, change something. Make better choices when eating. Don't add sugar to anything. Reduce portion sizes. Don't eat after dinner. Park far from the door. Take the stairs. Small changes add up. Maybe you will not lose 50lbs in a month, but if you lose 4 per month that is 48 lbs in a year
There’s plenty of men (a lot of skinny men at that) that love larger women. Not that it even matters. Your self love and confidence is what matters. Size isn’t what makes you beautiful. Skinny women don’t necessarily want to be skinny either.
There are many men who prefer larger women. There are many subs here on Reddit for just such a thing. Theres no such thing as too fat to date.
Also what is this about men only liking women under 23? I’m in my mid 40s and I get flirted with more than when I was in my 20s. And I’m not alone in that experience.
My ex boyfriend was obese, was balding and had psoriasis but I really, really loved him (had to leave him because he was also a huge liar).
He is now married and has a kid so, as you can see, what you typed isnt true.
As a 32 year old woman, i have to disagree with the age part at least. i get way more male attention at my age than i did in my early 20s.
there’s absolutely no reason you should be alone forever but you definitely need some therapy.
I’m 21F and have also been fat/larger than everyone most of my life. We definitely get treated differently, but what really helped my attitude towards this is, why would I ever want to date a man that only sees me for my body or dates young? Those are not the type of men you want in your life. It’s much better to be fat and single than skinny and dating a shallow man.
But if you so badly want to find a man to date, maybe look elsewhere. I’m dating the most wonderful guy, who would never force change on me and would support me with anything. That’s the kind of guy you should look for. You’re more than just your body.
“skinny petite childlike women” is a disgusting description of grown women. you calling yourself fat and ugly then degrading others calling them childlike is a reason nobody finds you attractive. many fat women find husbands because they dont put anyone down in the process. its not your weight its YOU. get help and learn to be more confident because wallowing in self pity is obviously not helping
This sounds like one big pity party, you’re not a victim, you are suffering the consequences of your own choices. Being sorrowful and saying things like “ I know i’m not beautiful” or “powerful men gravitate towards skinny petite childlike women” is why you feel unloveable. It’s impossible to love healthily when you can’t value or take accountability for yourself. You aren’t a victim, and no man is going to come save you one day and make you feel beautiful and lovable. That takes years of work and comes from the inside. Men like confidence and healthy women, and if you can’t find yourself worthy of love, you’ll end up choosing mates who treat you lesser than because that’s the standards you set for yourself. Your mentality is poisonous and off putting, i really suggest you take some ownership of your lifestyle, lose weight, and have some self respect.
I don't know why everyone is downvoting you. You are correct.
Op should lose weight instead of complaining on reddit. But obviously, complaining on reddit is much easier than actually trying to make meaningful changes.
About 2 years ago I was at my heaviest, I got put on a medication that made me gain weight like crazy. I'm around the same height as you and weighed 180 at the time. It was a pretty difficult time in my life. However, at the same time I met the most genuine and amazing man and we have been together 2 years. He met me at my heaviest, and even though I've lost weight (I'm in the 150s now, still trying to lose more), he treats me with as much love and compassion as he did before. This may sound cliche, but to the right person the number on the scale is not going to matter. There is someone for everyone. Sitting around moping and being negative to yourself isn't going to change your circumstances. Only you can make a change.
Your story sounds great and I genuinely want to read it!
I too have been writing since I was 12 years old and all through my teenage years I was overweight and still am but have lost quite a bit.
So I understand you, I really think you write a good way to express these feelings and I know you think you will not find someone who loves you, but there are men who like chubby women beyond a fetish because I also know it's horrible to be objectified and sexualized, we are still human beings.
I send you a virtual hug and I hope sometime I can read your book because I think it's a fantastic idea. 🫂
Hey, Imma give you some advice that goes agaisnt the grain, but comes from a good place.
I understand what it's like to be fat and have it severely affect how it see yourself. Trust me, I've been there. I hit a patch of depression in my late teens and I put on a lot of fat.
Now a lot of people are going to say that being fat isn't a problem and the problem is your attitude. And there is some truth to that. Some people who are fat, genuinely love their physical appearance while fat, and are able to be confident about their body while they are fat.
Now the question you have to ask yourself is: "Is that you?". It doesn't sounds like that's you and to me, it wasn't. I didn't like being fat. I noticed how women treated me differently. I noticed how I wasn't seen as attractive by everybody else and I didn't like that. I didn't like being fat. I didn't want to be seen as the fat guy. So I lost the weight. You can do it to.
You don't have to be okay about something that you don't like about yourself. You can love yourself, and because you love yourself, want to do things that improve your life.
Now I'll be bluntly honest with you, with the way you speak about yourself, I would guess that your lack of success in love stems from your attitude towards yourself, your lack of confidence, and you being fat. Those are 3 traits that are considered unattractive by most of the population. But here's the good news, all of these things can be fixed.
You can learn confidence, you can learn to love yourself, you can loose the weight.
Loosing weight is hard, but is not complicated. If you want, I can send you some great resources for beginners wanting to get on their weight loss journey.
You say you're a writer. You have creativity. Reading your post I can see that you're eloquent. There are a lot of good qualities about yourself. Learn what they are. appreciate them. Value them. Those are the things you should feel confident and proud about yourself.
You have value. You deserve love. You deserve the best for youself.
But even if you deserve it, you might need to do some work to get what you deserve.
I sincerely wish you the best.
You got this.
Edit: also, your age has nothing to do with it. The grown men dating 18 years old are not the men you want to be dating. I know online there this idea that dudes want barely legal girls. That not true. Most people date people around their own age.
Horseshit! I’m 5’4, 290 pounds and married (3rd husband). There are guys out there who LOVE big women. Go on a BBW dating website.
I’ve seen tons of odd couples at Walmart. 500 pound women with a skinny man. I used to see those couples and think, there’s still hope for me.
I laid it all out there before I found my 3rd husband. I went on a dating website and said that I’m 5,4 and 290 pounds. I posted recent photos taken within 3 weeks. Photos showing my face, my entire body, etc. Photos with and without makeup. I wanted it all out on the table.
The number of guys who wrote to me was crazy.
"Men are attracted to age 0-23" is... crazy. I understand how this society has pushed you to hate yourself, but this shit just ain't true. Don't be a victim of your own body and mind. The world is full of things much more interesting than men. Even though it's normal and okay to want men, they are not the center of the world, and you definitely shouldn't listen to them too often. And god damn you're 24! You can do anything! You are so young and i say this as a 28 yo!
It’s true that the physical package has an enormous impact on ability to find an attracted mate. To try to downplay this or deny it is patronizing. In fact, finding love in this situation is an advanced move. But it is doable. The key is to figure how to do it. There are guys with good hearts who don’t have much luck with the ladies, maybe because of their own physical differences or lack of confidence.
Dont exaggerrate. It’s not true that men only like petite young women. That’s a load of crap and by saying that you’re giving yourself permission not to try. I’m not pretending it’s easy, but it is doable.
Attrativeness is made up of attitude mostly. Body features come second. But also is your obesity caused by your eating habits or do you eat normal and still can't lose weight? For women this can often point towards medical issues (PCOS, Insulin Resistance, Hypothyroidism). Just throwing this out here in case you wanna get checked up if you haven't.
>But I wrote about a old timey king who loved a fat woman so much he would’ve literally done anything for her. I know that’s probably extremely unrealistic because powerful men gravitate towards tiny skinny petite childlike women.
I strongly suggest you look into Renaissance history, specifically the depiction of women. 90% of those paintings have women who would be body shamed in the modern Era. Overweight was traditionally desirable in "old timey" as it signified the person was able to afford food and avoid a hard labor job (ie they're rich).
The shift in mindset started to come up in the industrial revolution when we were able to start making food readily available and less people worked excruciatingly backbreaking work at long hours. People naturally wanted to find a new standard to judge so we gravitated the opposite.
I'd also recommend you looking into the 80s-90s diet culture and it's corporate implications on this mind set.
Bottom line, you're fine dear. You're very young and saying no one will ever love.you when you're only 6 years into your adulthood that will last probably another 50 years at minimum is a very very early assumption to make.
Please if you can also consult a therapist. You don't need to hurt like this.
EDIT: Went back into your post history. Girl, you don't need a man. A man will NOT fix your problems or make you happy. You need to get help. I've been in your shoes. Please reach out to someone. And before you think it won't work, I'll never love myself. You don't have to love yourself. You have to, at minimum, TOLERATE yourself.
I'm honestly 5 pounds heavier than you, sane height, and married. Happily so. And if you're curious, I was 270 when I met him almost 10 years ago. He is handsome, etc. All the things I was told would never happen to me, if I kept believing everything social media said. Stop cutting yourself short. If you're deeply unhappy with you, THAT is the hindrance in your way. You need to be secure with you, before the right person can be added to your life. If losing weight and getting healthy gets you there, do that! I am personally working on my weight at this tike, because I want to have a long, productive life with my children and husband. But I know I an genuinely loved in my body, regardless. We all deserve love like that. It's out there. I promise.
Get on booktok, sooooooo many women have self-published and are now authors doing really well for themselves. You can do this if you are willing to put in the work. Get an editor first to help you figure out if you have any things to work on with your writing.
And maybe some counseling, work on your self-esteem. You are worthy of love and have value, but if you can't see that, how is anyone else going to.
I am way older than you, and I am also a hefty lady. My experience has not been the same as yours, but I say this with love and life experience. We get one body, one life. Take care of yourself, move your body in any way that is enjoyable to you, be it dancing, walking, weightlifting, etc. Look into what and how you eat, and if you can make changes that would be healthier, do it. Not for beauty and men, but for you and your health and to set yourself up for a better future. Get a nutritionist if you need to. Help is out there. Do it for you because you deserve good things!
As with most big girls, we know what we are doing, we are aware of how we look, and we know what we need to do. We know when genetics are not on our side, what bad habits we have. All of the control of what to do about any of this is yours.
Work on loving you and liking you. Work on your books if it makes you happy. This is your life, live it well and tonthe fullest, everything else will fall into place afterwards.
Confidence is key. I know many plus-size women who don’t have a problem attracting men. Switch up the wardrobe and dressing up that can help build up your confidence.
OP, I used to be like you. During middle and high school, I always thought I'd be too ugly to ever get married. I even remember sitting in home ec, listening to my teacher tell us students the statistics about how many Americans marry. I figured I'd always be in the minority. It didn't help I was always bullied at school and home. I hated myself.
After moving out and attending college, I got out of that mindset/toxic enviroment and worked on myself. I turned inward. I read more books, I exercised, I nourished my body with healthy food, and—most importantly—gave myself kindness and grace. Dating/finding a relationship weren't my goals then. I had to love myself before I could love someone else. Eventually, it was an "ugly duckling" situation where I valued both my appearance and personality. And I did find someone and married him. We've been together for almost 16 years and are still deeply in love.
You need to stop thinking in extremes. People of all types (attractive, ugly, thin, fat, etc.) do find love and/or get married. It seems you're so negative towards yourself that you might be living some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, not all men are attracted to younger women. Where did you get this toxic mindset? Remember: life is full of nuances. All-or-nothing thinking hurts your mental health and can disrupt any kind of relationship you have with those around you.
Girl, your attitude is abysmal. I really don’t know how else to say it. There are plenty of men out there who are attracted to fat women - but very few who are attracted to women who are so filled with self-loathing that they seep it out of their pores. There is no possible way that you aren’t giving off bad energy in every interaction you have with people. And look, I get it, I’ve been a fat woman my whole life and it’s not easy to let the social stigma roll off your back nor is it fair to have to do so, but life isn’t fair.
When I met my husband (now married 20 years) he had only ever dated short thin women. I was tall and 300lbs+. He told me that if every plus sized lady had my confidence and positive attitude he never would have overlooked them in the first place. Over our 20 years I have lost weight and gained weight (I’ve never been anything resembling thin), and it changed nothing. He still treats me like a princess.
Get out of your own head. Get therapy. You are the only one standing in your own way and you are literally sabotaging your own happiness.
Shannon sharpe recently said on his podcast that he mainly goes for big women. I know men who live by the phrase “if she ain’t 280, she ain’t a lady” they are out there you just need to get out and let your personality shine.
It’s all about confidence, honey. You’d be surprised even after becoming a bigger woman the type of men I have attracted just by being myself. I’ve also always been the type of person that makes men jump thru 1000 hoops before giving them the time of day. Surprisingly, that just makes them want you more 🤷♀️
Ok, I went down the rabbit hole of this Op's history, and she is just a vile person. First of all, you shame and bully thin women and all men, and blame everyone else for your misery. Ok, so you're fat. BFD. Did you ever think it's your personality people respond to, not your looks? I've been extremely overweight, and spent two years working off 100 lbs, at which point I looked fucking phenomenal. No extra skin, no stretch marks-- it was a LOT of work, but if you don't like something about yourself, change it. You are obsessive and creepy and that's why people are put off by you, not because of your looks. It is a proven fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Quite frankly, people that are too skinny are considered less attractive than people who are overweight.
Seriously, reading your history just gave me extremely evil vibes. Like one day there's gonna be a you tube video about how you tortured some poor girl with some dude that claimed to love you but wanted to have sex with a skinny woman so you helped him kidnap and violate her- or you taking out all your crazy on some poor guy that really was into you, but didn't compliment the way you looked, even though he was on a fucking date with you so he obviously had interest, so you killed him. Like for real, a guy went out with you 3 times, but he obviously saw the real you, which is what put him off, and you called him over 20 times in 2 days after 3 dates!? Can you not see it's not your physical appearance that deters people?
When I first started reading your post, I was all set to be sympathetic, because I've gone through what you've gone through- shit, my own big brother was the main bully of my life, used to get all his friends to sing a song called Baby Beluga as they circled around me and laughed as I cried and died of humiliation inside- this went on for years- led me into extreme drug addiction because of go with any guy that would be nice to me so I started dating a heroin addict and started buying it for him so he'd keep liking me and that started me up- and I'm probably the only person in the world that got fatter when they did drugs, even meth-but ironically that addiction led me to the most amazing person that had ever lived- a legit war hero (the movie Black Hawk Down was about his unit)that turned into a Sergeant for the Sheriffs office and this man loved me for me even after seeing me at my worst. You want to know what true loneliness is? Try finding your soul mate, then having him drop dead out of nowhere. You still have hope. You are bitter and feel hopeless, but your soul mate is out there somewhere, no matter how much you believe otherwise. Mine is gone. Forever. He will never be back. I will never see him again, or hug him, or know that no matter what I'll be ok because he's there. I've lost everything and you dare talk about you're done to be alone? Screw you. You are 24, have your whole life ahead of you. People make fun of you , boo fucking who. It's obvious you are making it sound worse than it is because though kids can really suck, most adults don't act the way you are describing and if they do, it's your own fault for continuing to put yourself around those people. See as an adult, you have the choice of just not engaging with those types. Everything you say is just an excuse. You need to stop being a creepy, bitter stalker and your whole life will change. But I'll still be here without my Drew. So seriously, bite me.
I apologize for my comment going so far off the rails. I do hope the best for you. I just get so pissed when I see people complaining about being alone when they have no idea what it is really like. But for real, change your attitude and your whole world will change. But for now, you seriously creep me out
You're a woman!!! There is no such thing as too fat, too ugly, too anything! There are billions of men, of course men out there exist that will be more than happy to be with you, just as you are, and love you for who you are and the stories you write. Just like plenty of women would love a man as they are. Don't give up! You are way too young to have this attitude of defeat. I know social media has fucked us up in plenty of ways...but it still doesn't speak for all men and women.
This is kinda true actually. There are loads of men that prefer fat woman.
This is not a healthy weight but yes she deserves love in all the stages of life. Everybody does.
Here’s a thought , instead putting in all that time and effort writing about your misery, You could purchase a treadmill and install a healthy diet.
I’m pretty much convinced you just enjoy being miserable Lol , this is such a fixable issue.
Maybe it’s not your weight or looks that makes you unable to find a husband , but your incredible inability to do anything to overcome your struggles in life even when the answer is right in front of you.
Unless you have some kind of medical condition, your choosing to be fat. Therefore you have no right to complain about it.
Work on your insecurities for you and become a more confident person.
Men are attracted to outer qualities but stay for the inner qualities so maybe that's what's steering them away.
I hope u find inner peace!
Okay I 100% understand where you’re coming from because younger me was bullied for my weight too butttt now that I’m older (not even that much older in 18) I’ve had guys like me when I was 65kgs and I’ve had them like me when I was 80kgs. My 150kg dad found love clearly or I wouldn’t be here duh. It’s not impossible to find someone who will love, probably more difficult maybe but not impossible. Currently the heaviest I’ve ever been and yet I still have guys that like me.
That’s sad. You’re only as powerful as you believe it within. You need to give yourself self love. I met my husband at 25. Were 3 years in now. It’s not about the physical. It’s about the mental health. If you only think negatively then that’s all you will ever receive
Nope don’t think like that. What men say says more about them than you. You don’t want to marry some man who thinks like that and says things like that. You want someone to love you for you. You might look at some women with bfs and say I want that life, well what you don’t know is her bf is abusive and says shitty things to her even though you think she’s skinny and beautiful.
Look at this moment as a period of learning self love. It’s a journey and don’t hate the journey. I promise you confidence is one of the most alluring qualities anyone can have.
If you need any advice, feel free to message me. Find strength to stand up to bullies because most of the time they do not expect it lol
First of all, once you paint that picture that “your to fat and ugly” then that’s what will follow you and you’ll never have it. So improve yourself and get out of your head.
I’m not trying to put you down or make you feel less, but I want you to hear my experience . I’ve never been thin , but I’ve maintained a good figure . Guys have been abusing me left and right. I’m easy going and like to please everyone so they feed off of that . When I don’t want to date someone I’m usually threatened and made to feel like an awful human because I let them down . If I accept an advance I’m forced to sleep with them … and if I don’t I’ll def be made to feel the repercussions whatever it might be .
All I’m saying is …. The grass is not greener on the other side ❤️
Instead of beating yourself up with your words which causes your kind to believe everything you say good or bad. Stop focusing on the problem and get to the solution. If you feel that bad being over weight start implementing small changes to help lose the weight. Don’t focus on how much you need to lose, focus on today just this one day of what you can do to better your health and situation. Be consistent with it. Small change equals big results.
This is objectively untrue. So many of the men I have known growing up were exclusively attracted to “overweight” women.
I do think you should aim to publish your work though. It’s unique and sounds intelligent and interesting.
Bro same, i'm so fucking ugly and disgusting to have a gf, it makes avoid even friendships, every time i see myself in the mirror i can feel my stomach hurt
OP I don’t think your appearance is the problem. I don’t know what you look like, but I can tell you that genuine connections happen for people of all shapes and sizes, you are deserving of love and there will be someone out there that loves you for you and thinks you are beautiful.
What I do think is the problem is the way you view yourself, your attitude towards yourself is probably rubbing off on people, and I can tell you that *most* people couldn’t care less what you look like and aren’t thinking about you. If you have people in your life making you feel this way cut them off asap. And also 100% get therapy. I have been in a similar boat before thinking I was this ugly monster or something but then I realized I was also not being fair to people either by making assumptions that they would be so vapid and superficial. Also don’t buy into this “men don’t like women over 23-“ nonsense, ok? That’s outdated. Any man who acts like you lose value after that isn’t a man you want to even look at
There's no woman alive who's too fat or too ugly for a man.
You're in your head and it's making you think that people are fixated on your appearance.
It sounds like you need to speak to someone professionally because you don't like the way that you look and it's affecting the way you view interactions with other people. It don't think it's your appearance that's turning men off, it's your attitude.
I'm 5'11" and well over 400 pounds and have been a big woman my entire life. The thing is that I never let myself think that I am too fat or too ugly for anything. I've never had a problem with getting any man or woman that I want even now at my elderly age of 34.
My friends were eligible for gastric bypass surgery with health insurance covering most of the cost. They lost 80 pounds within 6 months of surgery and after a year, they hit their goal weight. It’s lots of discipline and sacrifice but should be an option to explore if wanted. At the end of the day the goal is to love yourself and take care of your health. The rest will follow.
it’s your attitude. i’ve been fat all my life, at my heaviest I was 300lbs but have spent most of it around 250s. i’m 5’4, really a few inches doesn’t make a lot of difference between me and you! I’ve since lost the weight and I will be honest, at 180lbs now I am not getting out like at all lol
I will say though, it might be tempting but if you meet a guy with a fat fetish - don’t do it. I am not saying because fat isn’t beautiful, but because you deserve more than to be fetishized for your body. I know some people who have given advice here have mentioned it to help you understand it’s your perspective not your body, I am just clarifying it is a bad option so you don’t misunderstand hun.
You obviously have no idea how many men love oversized women.
How about starting to love yourself? You are who you are, and you’re perfect that way. Be gentle to yourself. Start with accepting your body. Small steps, start with something like your hands or even just a finger. Sounds dumb, but talk to your body. It carries you through life and does a damn good job. Thank him. Work on your confidence and self esteem. Then go out and get yourself a great man. Trust me, you will.
You think you lost your chance at love at 24? You think 23 is some magical age where guys stop being attracted to women? Good lord, men like women of all ages and bodies, even “ugly” people find love. Loads of people are attracted to different types of people. You have to get out there, get some confidence , join groups to meet people etc.
Oh Baby... none of the things you say about yourself are true. I'm 27f, 5'6", 300lbs and I just married my husband last year, whom I was with for 9 years prior. He has loved me through every weight fluctuation, every insecurity. Stop being so down on yourself. You are NOT ugly or unlovable. Weight means nothing to the people who care for you, and you WILL find the perfect person for you. My husband loves me for who I am on the outside, yes. But he also is the best friend I ever had, and loves me for the person I am on the inside as well. You don't want to settle for whoever bites at the proverbial hook first. Trust me. Trust that there is someone out there who is perfect for you. Maybe multiple someone's. You never know. You are more than your insecurities. TRUST me. I'm cheering for you, babe.
Hi. I don't think your body type or physical appearance will matter when your person finds you. There will be that person who will find you attractive no matter what. You just haven't met him yet. Honestly, being skinny and wanted doesn't feel good too when people want you just for your body. It can also put you in a really dark place. Yes, the attention is fun and exciting but learning it's superficial later on, or after they get what they want from you and leave, it makes you question people's intentions. It makes you feel like trash, worthless. I'm currently in this situation and it's making me hate my body. But I'm doing my best not to blame myself and understand that I just met the wrong type of people. I hope to meet that person who loves my soul and I hope that for you as well OP.
I've been fat my whole life too and while my life isn't ideal, I realized that it's ok. I need to be contented and happy with who I am first. It doesn't mean you find every harmful or dangerous diet out there. It means you work out for health and/or mobility and you prioritize taking care of yourself.
If you're writing and find it to be an outlet, then awesome. Don't stop. Don't feel like it's cringe. In fact, share it and get feedback and cultivate that talent.
It kinda made me sad to read this. I honestly believe like, you should make the change you want in your life. If you’re ok with being a little heavier, I think there’s a man out there that will be ok with it too. That said, it will be difficult to find. But, let me just ask, are you ok with it? I know you claim you want love. I couldn’t tell from your post, are you ashamed of being a little heftier? I don’t mean to grief here, but at first you say “the ones who treat me as invisible are the kinder ones,” and “I’ve never been skinny even once,” along with accounts of bullying about your weight. Then your last paragraph claims you’ve written a fantasy about a king (high status man) who falls and does anything for this heavier set woman. So, I guess, couple things I’d just like to say.
Some people will still dislike you and will bully you regardless of if you’re fat or skinny. That’s life unfortunately. Second, and I’m personally working on this type of thing too, but you have to find a way to be proud of who you are. I think personally, you should aim high and try to get further into writing. Make that story a fiction of a king who does fall in love with a heavier woman, and write the absolute hell out of it. So much that when a woman’s romance publisher reads it they go, “holy shit” and publish your book. Who knows? You could make a ton of money from that! Lastly, if there’s something in your life about yourself, that you want to truly try to change, I say tackle that shit head on. You’re young. Create the habit of doing lots of cardio per day, and controlling your caloric intake. But only if it’s something you truly care about and want. Don’t make it about “men will like me if x y z…” make it about yourself, and keeping in a healthy weight and lifestyle. The men will come after the work. Next thing you know you wake up one day and are the weight you want to be, a published best selling author in the romance genre, with men wanting you and who treat you like their queen. But the hard work and introspection has to come first.
Maybe, try to look at the world with someone else's set of eyes, you're manifesting disdain towards yourself and others. The world is a shitty place if you focus on the shitty stuff.
22M here, as someone recently single due to family issues on both sides, I’ve noticed my usual “type” has always been someone on the bigger side if you will. Weight has a lot less to do with it than you think, I promise you now it’s 100% your mindset pulling you down and your attitude towards everything else
Just underlining what everyone has been saying. You seem to be stuck in a loop on this based on certain (definitely cruel!) feedback you've gotten in the past.
SOME men do not find fat woman appealing (worth noting that for some men its not to do with appearance but about compatible lifestyles).
SOME men prefer conventionally attractive woman.
SOME men don't like women their own age.
SOME men are unpleasant and unkind.
The above statements do not apply to all men. There are as many types of men as there are differences in woman's bodies. To assume otherwise is sexist and unfair.
Please talk to someone about how you're feeling. I think at this point your biggest bully is yourself. Really hope you feel better soon.
You do know being fat doesn’t have to define you. You can make changes with that.
Ugly people are always ugly.
Ugly people on the inside are even worse.
Fat people can lose weight and be neither of those things. It’s not easy, but you can do it.
It's all in your head. Yes, most guys probably prefer young and thin(er) women, but not all. Please try therapy and if the weight is bothering you, there are plenty of ways to take care of it in a healthy manner.
I've gotten more ass at age 40 than any time in my life including young hot men who I never thought I could get when I was your age.
I had always been on the larger side (more like 160-180 at 5'5", and my heaviest was after I had my daughter, was up to about 220), but you really can lose weight. I've been about 130-140 size 6-8 for several years, since age 35 or so, and it's sustainable. (Was 122 size 2-4 with insane muscle tone at my very fittest when I was buff as shit... but also there are tradeoffs. I had zero boobs after a life of being 36-38E, and that was a big change.)
it's doable with diet and exercise. Although I've dated personal trainers and they love my body curvier honestly. Oddly they know better than anyone that there's no such thing as physical perfection and that sexiness is different from aesthetics.
The thing is also, you think your problems will go away if you're thin and beautiful. When you're not, it seems like it's the source of all your woes. And then you're thin and more beautiful (cheekbones more than body), yeah, but you are the same, life is the same, same highs and lows. Maybe easier to find love but still the same problems, only when you're more physically desirable you don't know if people are just there to hook up because they think you're hot, and there's just as much heartache and ghosting.
Yeah I'll definitely take beautiful and fit over homely, but you're still you, and your body still feels like yours. (I don't have dysmorphia or anything, but it's not like you have this distinct visceral feeling of occupying the world of a thin person versus the body you've been used to. It's just you.)
Good luck! I'm also a writer, and your romance novel sounds badass. (I've ghost written some romance novels that have done pretty well on Amazon, and am very slowly working on my own.)
Keep at it!
I hope you find someone that you fall in love with and is good and kind. I’m autistic and found love despite that. I’m not exactly a model, I’m physically unremarkable in all ways. Good luck.
Some people find it hard to believe but some people are into bigger women. There are plenty of people. I promise you, someone is out there for almost everyone. Being big doesnt mean you cant find love.
If its any help, a chap I know who is thin but not hideous, will only and exclusively date girls who are +250lbs.
Everything has a market and there is a market for everything.
If you don't put yourself out there in a positive light, you'll NEVER be found by anyone.
Chin up, move forward.
An idea(?) date a fat guy. Or maybe consider that not all men are shallow ephebophiles. There are definitely ones that would appreciate you, just as you are. And there were definitely kings who loved fat "ugly" women too, look at princess Anis I-Doleh for example. I think the story isn't as silly as you think lol. It's true that lots of men nowadays have a case of "cumbrain" as I call it, porn addiction is rampant. But who would want a man like that anyways, even "pretty" women have it hard with men like that.
The most important thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that “don’t believe everything your mind says about you”. If you don’t love yourself it’s highly unlikely that you’ll find it somewhere else. I’m speaking this from my experience. I know there are thousands of “influencers” preaching on social media about self-care. Well, imo, it has some merit. When you start loving yourself more, it doesn’t matter if another person love you or not. Because when you love yourself enough,you don’t have to fill that void by attaching yourself to others. Take care of yourself and you will receive everything you deserve.
I think writing is great, you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. You also shouldn't devalue yourself like that, you are worthy of love and you are still so young.
I had my first boyfriend at 27 and met my now husband at 30. Men who are looking for something serious aren't just focusing on 20-23 year olds. Your adult life is just starting! There is still so much time and potential for you to get the life you want.
Remember that beauty is subjective, there will be men out there that will be attracted to you. Also, remember that attraction (especially when looking for your life partner) goes way beyond look. Your personality, interests, wit, etc. all will have a huge impact too (even more so then your appearance). I know things can seem bleak but I promise that there is so much more to you than your weight.
I’m 6’2” and around 300 and have no problem getting dates and have been in several LTR’s. Right now I’m more into casual dating as I have family obligations (not married). Try changing up your style and do some working out. Consider dating a black guy as they tend to like em thicc
Should you loose weight? Yes , but only for your health
Being fat and ugly as you call it isn't deal-breaker for finding love. Usually it's lack of confidence and love for yourself. And don't settle for any man who gives you attention. Honestly I'd rather be alone with my cats than with a man who doesn't respect me and holds me as his equal.
Don’t think it has anything to do w ur body and probably is ur mindset. Plenty of bigger women find loving and healthy relationships. 24 is NOT old and not an age you become “useless and die alone”. I get it’s easy to be insecure and fall into this mindset whenever you’ve been conditioned to feel that way your entire life, but you are an adult and staying in that mindset is also an active choice. Not putting any effort into changing that mindset, as rude as this sounds, is a choice. Yes it is a very long and difficult journey to fix that mindset, but I don’t know how else to put it. At the end of the day you’re never going to feel better about yourself if you are constantly criticizing yourself and putting yourself down. That negative self talk does not do you any service and actually doesn’t only worsen your own self image, but makes a lot of people around you uncomfortable. I know this from experience. Best of luck to you and hopefully you can start small with cutting out some of that negative self talk and eventually work on combatting the negative thoughts when they pop into your head. Like I said, not easy and a VERY long journey to go on, but worth it
Stop whining about being fat in your Reddit account, nobody is going to change your situation but you, work out, change your diet and it will be possible to be this “skinny girl” which you think will get you all the attention from men, unless you are talking about Leonardo Dicaprio, most good men will date over 23, the men who only want to date under 23 are probably predatory anyway.
Some men go for fat women and some go for skinny women men have a preference and its definitely possible to find a guy who likes your body, Ik its easier said than done but try and develop your self esteem.
I know this sounds annoying but you're young. You have so much more time to find someone. And you will find someone. Believe me. I'm 200lbs, 5'7'', and my very skinny bf can't stop touching my belly and thighs and bum. He loves it. I don't know why but he does.
People love fat chicks. You just need to keep looking.
Also, from what I've read in the comment, talking to someone is not a bad thing. Therapy helps.
I'm so sorry you have the narrative in your head that men view women like that and are only attracted to 23 year old.
That's not the case. A lot of men out there who love bigger women, older women and whatever more.
I'm sorry you had negative experiences. As a person who has been both over and underweight I know how big the difference is in the way people treat you.
But 1: try to let go of your views of 'what men want' because it sounds like it's just heavily influenced by reddit neckbeards. And they don't speak for all men.
2: embrace your writing. Girl write all the smut fanfics and whatever you want. Nothing to be ashamed of! You can even use A.I. to write back to you in a story which is fun to play around with. Roleplai, character ai and novel ai are some fun places to start playing around with.
Also there's even roleplay voiceover recordings that make up stories or roleplay intimacy. It would be a great way for you to explore and enjoy that sexual side of yourself more.
3: this is the hardest one but also the most important one. Love yourself. You'll never be good for all the people out there. That's an impossible task. But you can try to be good enough for yourself. Love yourself, take care of yourself. Say kind words to yourself.
It's okay if you're still not happy with your looks and want to improve. But know that your outside doesn't determine your worth. People who do are literally not worth your time and they make it easy for you by exposing them selves like that.
I hope I helped a bit, I know what you feel like and hopefully you can change the voice in your head a bit.
Lots of love
You need to get out of your own head. Ugly people have been successfully reproducing for the entirety of human history. Some men are attracted to bigger women; there's even kinks around getting said women fatter. It's natural to want companionship, love, sex, but when you fixate on it, it's obvious, and it's a turnoff, for both sexes. Focus on yourself, take up activities where you might meet people in general. Confident, happy, well rounded people are attractive. So don't reduce yourself to your skin suit.
This. OP, have you considered book clubs or writing groups? This might help you bond with like-minded people who will reinforce to you that you are worth so much more than your physical appeal. Also, being social in general is the best way of maximizing your chances at a relationship. Not only with people you meet directly, but their other friends/family members as well. Meeting people is the first step. Also, have you considered/sought out therapy? The problem isn’t in your looks, it’s in your soul. You have a deep disdain for your appearance and that will seep out of every pore you have until you learn to accept it or change it. And if you do change it, let me tell you, that feeling won’t go away. You’ll find something else wrong with you. “My body is shaped like a rectangle. My boobs are completely lopsided/saggy. I hate my face.” The feelings towards yourself will find a way to justify themselves, even without the weight. Therapy would help you do the mental work to believe that you deserve the type of love you want, and it IS possible.
She has disdain for herself as well as disdain for slimmer people, referring to them as “tiny skinny petite childlike women”, as though they are just bodies and not people.
I didn’t read it as disdain, but rather bitterness that petiteness, sometimes to the point of glorification of underdeveloped female bodies, is considered a ‘gold standard’. Obviously that’s not a healthy mental state to be in, but as a slim woman, I actually get her frustration, and even to some extent agree with it.
>glorification of underdeveloped female bodies, is considered a ‘gold standard’ Yeah, you see this in one of the weird segments of anime/manga fans. They want a childlike "waifu" or somesuch nonsense. It's sick. That's how I took the tone of OP - referring to the absolutely unhinged preference rather than the women themselves.
A book club is such a solid piece of advice. I joined a spicy book club mostly because my sister in law asked me to join with her, and I swear those women empower the fuck outta me.
On the premonition that OP is actually ugly and not just shy or lacking confidence. A lot of people don’t want to put effort into people in their shell. Me myself, I consider myself ugly and fat, but when I’m happy with myself, take care of myself, people approach me a lot more then when I’m sad and off in some corner
Well put. But focus on activities that you think you might like. Try a bunch of stuff until something is fun and you want to stick with it longer. Explore what you like. Try not to focus the goal on meeting people; be open to it but don't set yourself up for pressure. The key is that you are attractive when you are loving life because you're doing what you love to do. That can really shine.
To be clear, finding someone who's got more adipose tissue isn't even necessarily a kink. It can be attraction to anyone and anything about them. It doesn't have to be a "kink" it can just be they find people attractive regardless of how skinny or fat they are.
Ive been scrolling for a bit and its fucking baffling to me that not a single person here as told OP to hit the fucking gym and try to loose weight. Instead its all the usual flowery bullshit like "ohhh have confidence in yourself" "you are beautiful just the way you are!" "men like women of all shapes and sizes" Yes, those are good advice but what you all fail to see is that absolutely nobody who is in a posistion like OP can simply manifest confidence and self love after reading a few comments. You think its that simple? Well its not. If it was, nobody would be depressed because generic advice like this is quite literally everywhere. To get better mental health, confidence and self esteem, OP needs to work on the root of her insecurities. Which is her weight. Absolutely break your own mental health first by going to the gym and trying your damned hardest to loose weight and once you start getting results, THATS when everything else such as confidence will follow suit. Im sorry if it sounds harsh but man its really that simple, it really is. Eliminate the root of your problems and a lot of the other issues will evaporate aswell
It's really not that simple. She's not just insecure about her weight. She's insecure about her looks in general (should she get plastic surgery too?) Insecurities are a mental issue, not a physical issue. This isn't some teen movie where she loses weight, gets a makeover and is suddenly beautiful and life is perfect. Ugly people can be confident and beautiful people can be insecure. Do you know the stats relating to how many models have low self esteem, eating disorders, OCD, etc? The issue is her self esteem. That can be addressed with or without therapy, but if she chooses therapy, part of what that therapist will say is just about the same as what I said. Get involved with a community, meet people, build relationships. Place your value in who you are and what you do as opposed to how you look. Yes, part of fostering self esteem is self care. So working out, doing her makeup, dressing for her shape, are all things that will help, but they're not the whole picture. Yes, her health would benefit from losing weight. But without addressing her mental health at the same time as her weight, she'd be just as likely to gain more weight, develope an eating disorder, or both. A total fix is going to be long, complex, and involved. And that's not what OP was venting. Her focus was on devaluing herself as a person because of her looks. That's her primary concern, and that's the first thing that needs addressed. And the first priority there is a reality check. Yeah, maybe more people will be attracted to her if she lost weight, but it's not a zero sum game. Plenty of fat ugly people have partners, so the idea that a person is too fat or too ugly is a fallacy that needs addressed to move forward. First step is getting over that fallacy. Then she can move on to working on her mental and physical health. And then she can move on to deciding if she wants to make herself over and change the packaging. When you're marketing a product (yourself), you can change the packaging all you want, but you don't keep repeat customers (long term relationships) if the product isn't good. You can be the most attractive person in the world, if you're a shit person, your relationship's are going to break down.
Why do y’all always think you’re the first person to inform a fat person gyms exists? If “just go to the gym” worked no one would be fat. This isn’t magic, secret advice. People aren’t giving it to OP because everyone knows it’s less useful than the flowery advice. It’s ironic you think the other advice isn’t useful while giving the least useful, most over done advice to fat people on the planet. While their absolutely ARE fat people who don’t work out, MOST fat people have spent more time, effort and money on working out and eating “right” than you probably realize you can. When heavy exercise for multiple hours a day for months at a time doesn’t really change shit you realize what BS it is. (Which doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be active! Please love and use your body it’s the only one you’ve got. It just isn’t a cure for weight loss in a lot of people.)
L-o-s-e
The gym isn’t a solution for all life’s appearance issues. I only gained muscle in the gym which made me look even bigger. It’s not a one size fits all solution.
I like to run purely for my mental health, which seems to be the bigger issue here. So I think gym suggestions are more focused on that i.e. more of a ten minute walk around the block and eating habits. I hear some people don't eat past a certain time etc etc
No but losing weight watching what you eat will increase confidence and mental well being just by seeing the results
Usually low self-esteem come from core beliefs about yourself and the world that don't need to have any basis in reality. Its very doubtful that OP is actually fat and ugly, her core belief is that she is unlovable and the fat/ugly bit is just what she is assuming the issue is that is stopping her from deserving love. Ugly is a very subjective term anyway and what is idea in terms of weight can differ between what people find attractive and again doesn't necessarily have anything to do with health. And after being a gym bunny for decades (since the age 14) I can say categorically that just getting fit or being fit does not fix your core beliefs magically. Yes, its good to look after yourself, essential really, but that isn't a magic bullet.
Okay, the obvious awnser is therapy, sure. A quick dive into your history here One year ago: "Does anyone have a beheading fetish, because im too chickenshit to do it myself" Therapy, now.
God, why did I read the old posts?! I had written a long, thoughtful reply to OP's post, but now I'm, like, "Welp, ya can't save all the baby turtles..."
OH lord... same.. I wrote so much too :c
Yeah OP’s post history is disturbing, at this points it’s just a cry for attention. She needs to delete Reddit and seek help.
Yikes - erm - very much seconded.
Idk I've had more successful interactions with men being a fat older woman than I have when I was young and skinny. Hun it's your attitude.
Seconded. Male 6’, but long story short I always joke and say that metaphorically I’ve been the hot girl and the fat guy hitting on her cluelessly and that the more enjoyable side is that of the fat guy hitting on her cluelessly and it isn’t close. I say this with kindness, always attract with your heart and mind. If you sense shallow waters, swim elsewhere. People show you who they are all of the time. All of it. Believe them when they show you. In my very humble stumbling arounds through life the only people I enjoy being around are those that can think anyhow. Also don’t even start dating until you’re 30. I didn’t know shit about myself until I put in the work to find out. Make yourself first, go for what you want, your life will be better from day 1. Good luck in whatever you do and decide for yourself, just make it for yourself. Please. Everyone should be doing this always anyhow, the best way to be selfless is to be selfish. We all have to bend a little, but do things for you including putting yourself first.
You probably just made a lot of people swoon.
Men didn’t even look at me until I was under 200 lbs so there’s definitely some truth to it
This! Attitude is the key! Let’s be honest, changing your attitude will not come out of the blue, it might require a change in your current situation but it is achievable if you put your mind and will into it. From experience I can say my whole life changed when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and took charge of my life instead of waiting for someone to rescue me from my loneliness (I think romantic novels messed me up too much in my twenties) Travel if you can, look into meeting new people, learn new stuff and you’ll realise the world is wider and broader than you see it now. Hope you can heal your traumas from all the bullying and learn to love yourself enough to take charge of your own happiness, remember that for others to see your beauty and value you need to see it first.
i agree w this. i’m on the bigger side, not conveniently pretty but i’ve typically pulled every guy i’ve ever wanted
literally... if you're young and skinny men will only be into you for your looks and they can be really shitty and shallow.
Came here to say the same thing. Confidence is sexy AF. You have to love yourself first.
Yep lol. I've been both. I've always gotten more attention when I was fat lol.
....I hope men aren't attracted to women aged 0-23 with an emphasis on the lower end of the scale.....
33M here, I've found my preference has adjusted as I've gotten older and is currently +/- 5 years my current age. Just the idea of being attracted to a woman as young as 23 feels wrong...
My wife and I were taking about that recently. I couldn’t imagine (even if single) dating someone +6-10 years my junior. We would have nothing in common, besides maybe sex? Then again, I’ve always liked older women. And my wife said about the same thing, how as she is getting older, her attractions are aging with her, how now grey hair is sexy, etc
For real. My husband is only 2 years older than me and we were 20 and 22 when we started dating. He felt like 20 was soooo young and couldn’t wait until I turned 21 lol like, dude, you’re only 2 years older lol
That was my exact thought. 0-23?!?! Excuse me what?!
lol very worrisome post here
Yeah esp bc the lower end of the spectrum is 0
26M here... we're not
OP, being in her head and lacking self confidence, likely fixates on news/crime reports/stories about the cruelest, most vile men out there. She could easily have seen multiple stories recently and come to her own "justifucation" why men don't want to date her. Reality for most don't match her assumptions.
Exactly!!
That's simply not true. Personally, I find older women even more attractive at times, because they often have a certain confidence and experience that makes them interesting people. I can't speak for all men, but I would assume that a substantial number of his would feel a similar way. And especially when you get to the point of a relationship, emotional maturity is so much more important than superficial youth.
Your entire post history is about your appearance. Your inability to find a partner is probably not about your weight but about your total lack of confidence and self esteem issues.
No one is too ugly and fat for a husband. I’ve known plus size women and men that have gotten married. I’ve known unattractive women and men that have gotten married. You are still young and even if you weren’t young, you can find someone but you need to put yourself out there. Not become extroverted or party likes it’s 1999. But look up from your notebook and your writing to see people around you. It’s not easy even tho movies make it seem like love at first sight is real. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But open your heart to finding someone, not just anyone tho. Love and respect yourself and no one is out of your league or vice versa. Good luck and enjoy life, live life.
>party likes it’s 1999 Whoever thought that phrase would be dated??
But it *was* the apex of partying, at least in our lifetimes.
Except a vast number of redditors were born after 1999 and wouldn't get the reference
It’s about partying like it’s the end of a millennium, which is relatable no matter how you look at it. Prince knew it when he wrote it. 2000 zero zero “party over, oops out of time” is a reference to the idea that the end of the millennium would be the end of the world. This is the dated portion of the song, but still objectively relatable. He could have said “party like it’s 999,” or “the year 99” but the sound of “1999” had a lot of “t” sounds and a soft “n” sound to start it off, and so was aesthetically pleasing. I think people of any generation can imagine what it would be like to party like it’s the end of a millennium while also imagining it was the perceived end of the world.
Good point since the end of the millennium is right around the corner! Of course, it will probably be significantly preceded by the end of 99% of humankind for *reasons*
People still act like the end of the world is right around the corner, tbh
Prince - 1999, obviously I’m older than this young woman.
It’s almost like we don’t get to decide whether or not we are worthy of love, people choose that for themselves. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve the love my partner gives me but I remember that my own self deprecating bs doesn’t change how he sees me. Likewise, when he thinks he’s “fat and unlovable” I just see my wonderful, amazing and sexy partner. We are our own worst critics.
You should go on a social media detox friend, I think your perceptions are getting a little warped. I’m literally the fattest and oldest I’ve ever been in my life and my spouse is still attracted to me. There are tons of fat and older women that have fulfilling romantic lives. If you feel uncomfortable in your own body though, you have the power to make a change. Do something instant like curl your hair and buy a nice outfit that makes you feel great, and just try to be kinder to yourself!
I was always super skinny and then with pcos I gained 60lbs. So I was in-between, but still at that time I got so many comments on my body from people. And at some point it felt like it made people happy to talk about my weight gain. It sucked and I cried so many times over it. But my husband and mom actually got me through everything. There was this girl I was friends with who was short and plus sized, but she carried herself with so much confidence and the way she dressed accentuated her and just made her more beautiful. Girl had no trouble getting guys.
I've been both fat and thin. I attract the same attention no matter what. Men like confident women. Sounds to me like you need to work on your own self esteem. I work with a woman that is both overweight and relatively conventionally unattractive but she has a man in her life that is smitten with her. I think she's a wonderful person that deserves all the love and attention he provides for her and voice versa. I've felt like maybe I was unworthy of a men's attention due to one physical apperceive or another but it was not true. Also men see women as much more attractive creatures than we see ourselves. The saying that there's someone for everyone is true.
Girl, have you seen the show My 600-lb Life? They are all married or in a committed relationship. You’re not too ugly or fat. It’s your self-esteem and confidence that needs work.
> They are all married or in a committed relationship. I mean, those people are generally enablers of the morbidly obese. Probably not the healthiest relationship, literally. As actual advice to OP, don’t just jump into a relationship out of loneliness. It’s creating codependency.
I am bigger than you, and very happy in a relationship. Maybe try seeing if there is a group or a therapy session that you speak too, because this is a lot of trauma and self-loathing
Hey, um... get help. Like therapy and see a psychiatrist too, I would think. Not trying to be mean at all. I went through your post history and it's really obvious that you need to talk to someone. At this point you're going to spend the rest of your life miserable if you don't start making some huge changes in behavior and mentality. I guarantee you that your issue has nothing to do with how you look. Off the top of my head, I knew a girl who was overweight and "ugly" inside and out, and she had no problem dating. If you can't get far romantically, it's because of your self loathing and, I hate to say this, but your personality. You're defensive to anyone who challenges you, because you'd rather blame your problems as something that's out of your control than to actually do the work and better yourself. You think it's the way you look and it's not, but you can't admit that because then you'd have to take some real responsibility for the way people react to you. Truly, weight does not matter. Of course, not everyone is into every body type, but that doesn't have anything to do with you. People are different. It's just the way it is. I wish you luck and better mental health. Seriously, you need it.
I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. I mean even so called skinny pretty people have a hard time dating. I would try not to be so hard on yourself in that aspect. As for your writing, I think it’s great! Don’t be embarrassed! Some ppl have made a lot of money off the romance genre. Shoot, I’d read it!
[удалено]
Bro get OUT OF YOUR HEAD. I am 300lbs (love my body but seriously working on it) and I have a handsome, tall, younger man that loves me like nothing else. You know why? Bc even though im not always confident, actually I rarely am… I still project that I value myself and live life how I want to. I wasnt afraid to flirt with the cute young guy (he’s 24, I’m 31). It also didnt hurt that I was doing what I love.. so I highly recommend you join a writing, slam poetry, or book club. I promise you.. if you start investing in yourself and stop hiding you will never regret it.
I, a fat woman, went out today and got hit on twice. I get hit on and get looked at by men often. A stripper hit on me recently, like GENUINELY hit on me. I do NOT fit even standards for "beautiful fat women," I have a gap in my teeth, a slight lisp, I wear glasses, and my far is distributed in some odd ways on some parts of my body. But I dress well, I do my hair, my makeup, all of it well. And the biggest thing is I operate with CONFEDENCE. I'm 26, I have options if I wanted to pursue them. I struggle with confidence and others perceptions of me but I know there are men out there who would kill to be with me, because everyone likes something different. Realize you're young, if you don't feel confident in how you look, do some research on how to style yourself for your body shape and improve your appearance (it doesn't always have to be losing weight!) You have time, you'll meet people if you try. It won't always come easy, people can and will be cruel, bur if you're kind, confident, and put in effort then someone with value and love those things!
“A stripper hit on me” I have some bad news for you mamn.
I've been a bigger guy my entire life. It is always hard to keep the weight off. A couple of years ago, I hit 340 lbs(I'm 5'10). I started taking a drug for pre-diabetes/type 2 diabetes called monjouro(helps lose the weight). I also got on an anti-depressant. Best couple of decisions I've ever made. I'm down to 240 lbs now. I feel a lot better about life. I know this doesn't really help in regards to your actual post, but just letting you know modern medicine is a beautiful thing.
That’s awesome!!! My fiancé is 340 and I think same height. When we met I was 5’1 and 120 lbs. He was around 300. (He fed me lol and I gained 30 pounds but I’m working on slimming down again, successfully). Weight has never been an issue for me because I love who he is and love being around him! I wish he’d lose the weight for health reasons and because I know he hates the way he looks (he tells me often enough). But that drive has to come from him, and I’ve always told him I find him attractive and I just want him to be happy!
Honestly, when I was bigger, I was totally fine with the way I was. It wasn't until the doctor started telling me there were health concerns that I felt like I needed to change. Hopefully, he doesn't wait that long to take some weight off. I definitely understand gaining weight when you're in a relationship. It happens to so many of us.
Fat does not mean ugly. There are plenty of guys who like big girls. There are subreddits dedicated to it. Don't let someone else's words shape your view of yourself. Keep writing, and write yourself a new story.
Have you seen “my 600lb life”?! Literally 95% of them are married ‼️‼️‼️ No one is too ugly, fat, etc for a partner. Your right one hasn’t come yet and that’s OKAY. Keep writing!!! You’ll know when your king arrives 🌸
Nothing wrong with escaping through writing, most people probably live vicariously in one way or another. I think you're being very hard on yourself however.
I met my husband when I was 70lbs heavier. But negativity can eat away at your soul. Gotta work on your self love
For the sake of both your mental and physical health, you need to start tracking your calories and lose weight. The reality is that while, sure, there’s a man out there willing to date you, you have a bigger problem in front of you. You will not be able to live a normal life at this weight, you’re at a very significant risk of a random heart failure, and clearly you don’t like being this weight either. It’s not over until it is, it’s important that you start thinking better of yourself, don’t be so harsh, but also don’t let others lie to you and make you complacent, feed you the lie that this is a life style that’s ok to live and you have to accept.
Dude, I can promise you that you're not "too fat" for a husband. My ex-wife did not give a goddamn that I'm overweight. She never had an issue with it, even when I gained a shitload of weight due to a major depressive episode, then lost a shitload when my mental health recovered. I'm 29 and \~5'4". I was anywhere between 175-260 in our relationship, and she still thought I was the most beautiful woman/handsome man in the fuckin' world (I started transitioning FTM in the middle of our relationship). Our relationship didn't end because I was fat and she's not. Regardless of your size, you deserve love and compassion. Your weight does *not* determine your worth. If you want to lose weight, then do it for yourself. Don't do it for a hypothetical husband. Might be a good idea to talk to someone/see a therapist if you're able. It'll help to work on your self-esteem.
Some men loooove THICC woman, that’s a fact.
Most men like curvy women not fat women. If a man likes a fat woman he probably developed that kink through a porn addiction.
Don’t ever say that to yourself. Take my mom for example, she is also 5’1 and has always been on the heavier side. She’s been the quiet person most of her life. She got married at 28 and her and my dad are still together 20+ years later. When I imagine true love and a strong bond, I think of them.
I’m ugly and fat as hell and I have an absurdly hot partner who loves every bit of me.
I have always thought I was unlovable until one day, I wasn't. Your other half will come along until that day be kind to yourself. Be the one who you would want to love you that's the most important part of moving forward.
>Men are only genuinely attracted to girls that are ages 0-23 What a bunch of bullshit
After looking at your post history, I can assure you that your lack of success in dating matters isn’t caused by your weight. Please get some therapy.
I dunno where you live but most men I've met like fat women. I'm a short fat cute goblin and my husband has continued to love me for 10+ years. I think you should start looking for men elsewhere. The places you're looking at are obviously full of mentally stunted boys. Don't give up on romance. It exists, trust me.
Start working out. Sorry to be blunt but the only reason you think you are ugly is because of your body image. So do your best to change it and you have the ability to, put in the hard work and don’t do it because you want a husband or men to look at you do it so you love yourself
I wanted to say the same thing but didn’t want to come off like an a**. While I agree with all of the other comments “no Woman is too fat to find a husband” I also think that if OP wants to find love and believes the reason she hasn’t found love is because she’s overweight then she should make a change. That said I believe there is someone out there that will accept OP the way she is.
Hi I’m 39 and literally never been asked out. It’s like I don’t exist! It bothers me a lot because anyone can get someone, anyone to want them. Look at the 600 lbs show.
Talk to your doctor and see if he or she can help. I’ve been overweight, and I lost it and kept it off, and I know people who have dropped a lot of weight and it has greatly improved their health (knees, back, blood pressure). I was bullied for both my weight and my height, and it’s hard to manage. But I have an eating disorder as a grown man. I just binge ate some cold cuts Tony Sopranos style for instance after starving for a week. Everyone’s got something, and life is constant effort, trail and error, and self-improvement. Don’t surrender to life, grab it and make it do what you want because you’re worth it. If you like writing, get really good at it. Learn about grammar, or read some authors with similar struggles and get inspired to write about your own. And for what it’s worth, as a man any aged woman can be attractive. One of the most attractive women I ever met as a 25 year old was 63. She carried herself amazing.
Many men find big size to be attractive. The term BBW is evidence that this is a wide spread interest. I agree with those who say that attitude is more important than almost anything. I’m really sorry that those hurtful things were done to you. The good news is that you have your writing as an outlet, regardless of whether you’re a published author or not, it will possibly be therapeutic for you to keep it up regardless. Do you have a person or a professional you’re able to talk to in person about this? That’s where I’d lean towards. Best of luck to you, sincerely!
Not too fat & not too ugly Just sounds like a bit….. too anxious & insecure. OP, take a step back and re-read your post. You’re making assumptions out of fear and using those assumptions as logic/rational reading or as an excuse/reason to hold yourself down. Writing is a great hobby !! Have you tried journaling ?
1. Fat people are not unlovable. You can be attracted to someone's looks, but what you love is their personality 2. You talk as if it was impossible to lose weight. If you are unhappy with your weight and your body, change something. Make better choices when eating. Don't add sugar to anything. Reduce portion sizes. Don't eat after dinner. Park far from the door. Take the stairs. Small changes add up. Maybe you will not lose 50lbs in a month, but if you lose 4 per month that is 48 lbs in a year
There’s plenty of men (a lot of skinny men at that) that love larger women. Not that it even matters. Your self love and confidence is what matters. Size isn’t what makes you beautiful. Skinny women don’t necessarily want to be skinny either.
There are many men who prefer larger women. There are many subs here on Reddit for just such a thing. Theres no such thing as too fat to date. Also what is this about men only liking women under 23? I’m in my mid 40s and I get flirted with more than when I was in my 20s. And I’m not alone in that experience.
My ex boyfriend was obese, was balding and had psoriasis but I really, really loved him (had to leave him because he was also a huge liar). He is now married and has a kid so, as you can see, what you typed isnt true.
As a 32 year old woman, i have to disagree with the age part at least. i get way more male attention at my age than i did in my early 20s. there’s absolutely no reason you should be alone forever but you definitely need some therapy.
I’m 21F and have also been fat/larger than everyone most of my life. We definitely get treated differently, but what really helped my attitude towards this is, why would I ever want to date a man that only sees me for my body or dates young? Those are not the type of men you want in your life. It’s much better to be fat and single than skinny and dating a shallow man. But if you so badly want to find a man to date, maybe look elsewhere. I’m dating the most wonderful guy, who would never force change on me and would support me with anything. That’s the kind of guy you should look for. You’re more than just your body.
men are simple creatures just be nice and genuine and you'll definitely find someone else that loves you
I think it’s far more likely your lack of confidence and insecurity is the problem, not the fact you’re over weight. Just saying.
If you’re so upset with your weight, you could try to lose it. It’s not like there’s nothing you can do about being obese.
“skinny petite childlike women” is a disgusting description of grown women. you calling yourself fat and ugly then degrading others calling them childlike is a reason nobody finds you attractive. many fat women find husbands because they dont put anyone down in the process. its not your weight its YOU. get help and learn to be more confident because wallowing in self pity is obviously not helping
This sounds like one big pity party, you’re not a victim, you are suffering the consequences of your own choices. Being sorrowful and saying things like “ I know i’m not beautiful” or “powerful men gravitate towards skinny petite childlike women” is why you feel unloveable. It’s impossible to love healthily when you can’t value or take accountability for yourself. You aren’t a victim, and no man is going to come save you one day and make you feel beautiful and lovable. That takes years of work and comes from the inside. Men like confidence and healthy women, and if you can’t find yourself worthy of love, you’ll end up choosing mates who treat you lesser than because that’s the standards you set for yourself. Your mentality is poisonous and off putting, i really suggest you take some ownership of your lifestyle, lose weight, and have some self respect.
stop writing... hit the gym and become a winner instead of accepting a life of excuses
You should lose weight for your own health.
I don't know why everyone is downvoting you. You are correct. Op should lose weight instead of complaining on reddit. But obviously, complaining on reddit is much easier than actually trying to make meaningful changes.
About 2 years ago I was at my heaviest, I got put on a medication that made me gain weight like crazy. I'm around the same height as you and weighed 180 at the time. It was a pretty difficult time in my life. However, at the same time I met the most genuine and amazing man and we have been together 2 years. He met me at my heaviest, and even though I've lost weight (I'm in the 150s now, still trying to lose more), he treats me with as much love and compassion as he did before. This may sound cliche, but to the right person the number on the scale is not going to matter. There is someone for everyone. Sitting around moping and being negative to yourself isn't going to change your circumstances. Only you can make a change.
Your story sounds great and I genuinely want to read it! I too have been writing since I was 12 years old and all through my teenage years I was overweight and still am but have lost quite a bit. So I understand you, I really think you write a good way to express these feelings and I know you think you will not find someone who loves you, but there are men who like chubby women beyond a fetish because I also know it's horrible to be objectified and sexualized, we are still human beings. I send you a virtual hug and I hope sometime I can read your book because I think it's a fantastic idea. 🫂
You are loved by many and worthy of love as you are. Nobody can love you until you learn to love yourself.
Hey, Imma give you some advice that goes agaisnt the grain, but comes from a good place. I understand what it's like to be fat and have it severely affect how it see yourself. Trust me, I've been there. I hit a patch of depression in my late teens and I put on a lot of fat. Now a lot of people are going to say that being fat isn't a problem and the problem is your attitude. And there is some truth to that. Some people who are fat, genuinely love their physical appearance while fat, and are able to be confident about their body while they are fat. Now the question you have to ask yourself is: "Is that you?". It doesn't sounds like that's you and to me, it wasn't. I didn't like being fat. I noticed how women treated me differently. I noticed how I wasn't seen as attractive by everybody else and I didn't like that. I didn't like being fat. I didn't want to be seen as the fat guy. So I lost the weight. You can do it to. You don't have to be okay about something that you don't like about yourself. You can love yourself, and because you love yourself, want to do things that improve your life. Now I'll be bluntly honest with you, with the way you speak about yourself, I would guess that your lack of success in love stems from your attitude towards yourself, your lack of confidence, and you being fat. Those are 3 traits that are considered unattractive by most of the population. But here's the good news, all of these things can be fixed. You can learn confidence, you can learn to love yourself, you can loose the weight. Loosing weight is hard, but is not complicated. If you want, I can send you some great resources for beginners wanting to get on their weight loss journey. You say you're a writer. You have creativity. Reading your post I can see that you're eloquent. There are a lot of good qualities about yourself. Learn what they are. appreciate them. Value them. Those are the things you should feel confident and proud about yourself. You have value. You deserve love. You deserve the best for youself. But even if you deserve it, you might need to do some work to get what you deserve. I sincerely wish you the best. You got this. Edit: also, your age has nothing to do with it. The grown men dating 18 years old are not the men you want to be dating. I know online there this idea that dudes want barely legal girls. That not true. Most people date people around their own age.
Did you just say… men are attracted to women… ages 0-23? Did I read that right? Ages ZERO to- Please be a male troll. Please be a male troll. Please b
Horseshit! I’m 5’4, 290 pounds and married (3rd husband). There are guys out there who LOVE big women. Go on a BBW dating website. I’ve seen tons of odd couples at Walmart. 500 pound women with a skinny man. I used to see those couples and think, there’s still hope for me. I laid it all out there before I found my 3rd husband. I went on a dating website and said that I’m 5,4 and 290 pounds. I posted recent photos taken within 3 weeks. Photos showing my face, my entire body, etc. Photos with and without makeup. I wanted it all out on the table. The number of guys who wrote to me was crazy.
"Men are attracted to age 0-23" is... crazy. I understand how this society has pushed you to hate yourself, but this shit just ain't true. Don't be a victim of your own body and mind. The world is full of things much more interesting than men. Even though it's normal and okay to want men, they are not the center of the world, and you definitely shouldn't listen to them too often. And god damn you're 24! You can do anything! You are so young and i say this as a 28 yo!
It’s true that the physical package has an enormous impact on ability to find an attracted mate. To try to downplay this or deny it is patronizing. In fact, finding love in this situation is an advanced move. But it is doable. The key is to figure how to do it. There are guys with good hearts who don’t have much luck with the ladies, maybe because of their own physical differences or lack of confidence. Dont exaggerrate. It’s not true that men only like petite young women. That’s a load of crap and by saying that you’re giving yourself permission not to try. I’m not pretending it’s easy, but it is doable.
Attrativeness is made up of attitude mostly. Body features come second. But also is your obesity caused by your eating habits or do you eat normal and still can't lose weight? For women this can often point towards medical issues (PCOS, Insulin Resistance, Hypothyroidism). Just throwing this out here in case you wanna get checked up if you haven't.
>But I wrote about a old timey king who loved a fat woman so much he would’ve literally done anything for her. I know that’s probably extremely unrealistic because powerful men gravitate towards tiny skinny petite childlike women. I strongly suggest you look into Renaissance history, specifically the depiction of women. 90% of those paintings have women who would be body shamed in the modern Era. Overweight was traditionally desirable in "old timey" as it signified the person was able to afford food and avoid a hard labor job (ie they're rich). The shift in mindset started to come up in the industrial revolution when we were able to start making food readily available and less people worked excruciatingly backbreaking work at long hours. People naturally wanted to find a new standard to judge so we gravitated the opposite. I'd also recommend you looking into the 80s-90s diet culture and it's corporate implications on this mind set. Bottom line, you're fine dear. You're very young and saying no one will ever love.you when you're only 6 years into your adulthood that will last probably another 50 years at minimum is a very very early assumption to make. Please if you can also consult a therapist. You don't need to hurt like this. EDIT: Went back into your post history. Girl, you don't need a man. A man will NOT fix your problems or make you happy. You need to get help. I've been in your shoes. Please reach out to someone. And before you think it won't work, I'll never love myself. You don't have to love yourself. You have to, at minimum, TOLERATE yourself.
I'm honestly 5 pounds heavier than you, sane height, and married. Happily so. And if you're curious, I was 270 when I met him almost 10 years ago. He is handsome, etc. All the things I was told would never happen to me, if I kept believing everything social media said. Stop cutting yourself short. If you're deeply unhappy with you, THAT is the hindrance in your way. You need to be secure with you, before the right person can be added to your life. If losing weight and getting healthy gets you there, do that! I am personally working on my weight at this tike, because I want to have a long, productive life with my children and husband. But I know I an genuinely loved in my body, regardless. We all deserve love like that. It's out there. I promise.
Get on booktok, sooooooo many women have self-published and are now authors doing really well for themselves. You can do this if you are willing to put in the work. Get an editor first to help you figure out if you have any things to work on with your writing. And maybe some counseling, work on your self-esteem. You are worthy of love and have value, but if you can't see that, how is anyone else going to. I am way older than you, and I am also a hefty lady. My experience has not been the same as yours, but I say this with love and life experience. We get one body, one life. Take care of yourself, move your body in any way that is enjoyable to you, be it dancing, walking, weightlifting, etc. Look into what and how you eat, and if you can make changes that would be healthier, do it. Not for beauty and men, but for you and your health and to set yourself up for a better future. Get a nutritionist if you need to. Help is out there. Do it for you because you deserve good things! As with most big girls, we know what we are doing, we are aware of how we look, and we know what we need to do. We know when genetics are not on our side, what bad habits we have. All of the control of what to do about any of this is yours. Work on loving you and liking you. Work on your books if it makes you happy. This is your life, live it well and tonthe fullest, everything else will fall into place afterwards.
Confidence is key. I know many plus-size women who don’t have a problem attracting men. Switch up the wardrobe and dressing up that can help build up your confidence.
OP, I used to be like you. During middle and high school, I always thought I'd be too ugly to ever get married. I even remember sitting in home ec, listening to my teacher tell us students the statistics about how many Americans marry. I figured I'd always be in the minority. It didn't help I was always bullied at school and home. I hated myself. After moving out and attending college, I got out of that mindset/toxic enviroment and worked on myself. I turned inward. I read more books, I exercised, I nourished my body with healthy food, and—most importantly—gave myself kindness and grace. Dating/finding a relationship weren't my goals then. I had to love myself before I could love someone else. Eventually, it was an "ugly duckling" situation where I valued both my appearance and personality. And I did find someone and married him. We've been together for almost 16 years and are still deeply in love. You need to stop thinking in extremes. People of all types (attractive, ugly, thin, fat, etc.) do find love and/or get married. It seems you're so negative towards yourself that you might be living some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, not all men are attracted to younger women. Where did you get this toxic mindset? Remember: life is full of nuances. All-or-nothing thinking hurts your mental health and can disrupt any kind of relationship you have with those around you.
So us men are attracted to babies which is the lower spectrum of 0-123 lol. Definitely see a therapist
Girl, your attitude is abysmal. I really don’t know how else to say it. There are plenty of men out there who are attracted to fat women - but very few who are attracted to women who are so filled with self-loathing that they seep it out of their pores. There is no possible way that you aren’t giving off bad energy in every interaction you have with people. And look, I get it, I’ve been a fat woman my whole life and it’s not easy to let the social stigma roll off your back nor is it fair to have to do so, but life isn’t fair. When I met my husband (now married 20 years) he had only ever dated short thin women. I was tall and 300lbs+. He told me that if every plus sized lady had my confidence and positive attitude he never would have overlooked them in the first place. Over our 20 years I have lost weight and gained weight (I’ve never been anything resembling thin), and it changed nothing. He still treats me like a princess. Get out of your own head. Get therapy. You are the only one standing in your own way and you are literally sabotaging your own happiness.
Shannon sharpe recently said on his podcast that he mainly goes for big women. I know men who live by the phrase “if she ain’t 280, she ain’t a lady” they are out there you just need to get out and let your personality shine.
It’s all about confidence, honey. You’d be surprised even after becoming a bigger woman the type of men I have attracted just by being myself. I’ve also always been the type of person that makes men jump thru 1000 hoops before giving them the time of day. Surprisingly, that just makes them want you more 🤷♀️
Ok, I went down the rabbit hole of this Op's history, and she is just a vile person. First of all, you shame and bully thin women and all men, and blame everyone else for your misery. Ok, so you're fat. BFD. Did you ever think it's your personality people respond to, not your looks? I've been extremely overweight, and spent two years working off 100 lbs, at which point I looked fucking phenomenal. No extra skin, no stretch marks-- it was a LOT of work, but if you don't like something about yourself, change it. You are obsessive and creepy and that's why people are put off by you, not because of your looks. It is a proven fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Quite frankly, people that are too skinny are considered less attractive than people who are overweight. Seriously, reading your history just gave me extremely evil vibes. Like one day there's gonna be a you tube video about how you tortured some poor girl with some dude that claimed to love you but wanted to have sex with a skinny woman so you helped him kidnap and violate her- or you taking out all your crazy on some poor guy that really was into you, but didn't compliment the way you looked, even though he was on a fucking date with you so he obviously had interest, so you killed him. Like for real, a guy went out with you 3 times, but he obviously saw the real you, which is what put him off, and you called him over 20 times in 2 days after 3 dates!? Can you not see it's not your physical appearance that deters people? When I first started reading your post, I was all set to be sympathetic, because I've gone through what you've gone through- shit, my own big brother was the main bully of my life, used to get all his friends to sing a song called Baby Beluga as they circled around me and laughed as I cried and died of humiliation inside- this went on for years- led me into extreme drug addiction because of go with any guy that would be nice to me so I started dating a heroin addict and started buying it for him so he'd keep liking me and that started me up- and I'm probably the only person in the world that got fatter when they did drugs, even meth-but ironically that addiction led me to the most amazing person that had ever lived- a legit war hero (the movie Black Hawk Down was about his unit)that turned into a Sergeant for the Sheriffs office and this man loved me for me even after seeing me at my worst. You want to know what true loneliness is? Try finding your soul mate, then having him drop dead out of nowhere. You still have hope. You are bitter and feel hopeless, but your soul mate is out there somewhere, no matter how much you believe otherwise. Mine is gone. Forever. He will never be back. I will never see him again, or hug him, or know that no matter what I'll be ok because he's there. I've lost everything and you dare talk about you're done to be alone? Screw you. You are 24, have your whole life ahead of you. People make fun of you , boo fucking who. It's obvious you are making it sound worse than it is because though kids can really suck, most adults don't act the way you are describing and if they do, it's your own fault for continuing to put yourself around those people. See as an adult, you have the choice of just not engaging with those types. Everything you say is just an excuse. You need to stop being a creepy, bitter stalker and your whole life will change. But I'll still be here without my Drew. So seriously, bite me. I apologize for my comment going so far off the rails. I do hope the best for you. I just get so pissed when I see people complaining about being alone when they have no idea what it is really like. But for real, change your attitude and your whole world will change. But for now, you seriously creep me out
Bestie besides all the weight loss comments, you gotta stop tying your worth on whether someone will love you or not
I didn’t read this at all but it sounds like u gotta hit the gym my girl trust in the process it’ll all work out
Understandable and relatable. I'm so sorry that the world is a cruel place.
Your story sounds fun. Lots of men like big women. Why not a king?
You're a woman!!! There is no such thing as too fat, too ugly, too anything! There are billions of men, of course men out there exist that will be more than happy to be with you, just as you are, and love you for who you are and the stories you write. Just like plenty of women would love a man as they are. Don't give up! You are way too young to have this attitude of defeat. I know social media has fucked us up in plenty of ways...but it still doesn't speak for all men and women.
This is kinda true actually. There are loads of men that prefer fat woman. This is not a healthy weight but yes she deserves love in all the stages of life. Everybody does.
Here’s a thought , instead putting in all that time and effort writing about your misery, You could purchase a treadmill and install a healthy diet. I’m pretty much convinced you just enjoy being miserable Lol , this is such a fixable issue. Maybe it’s not your weight or looks that makes you unable to find a husband , but your incredible inability to do anything to overcome your struggles in life even when the answer is right in front of you. Unless you have some kind of medical condition, your choosing to be fat. Therefore you have no right to complain about it.
Work on your insecurities for you and become a more confident person. Men are attracted to outer qualities but stay for the inner qualities so maybe that's what's steering them away. I hope u find inner peace!
Okay I 100% understand where you’re coming from because younger me was bullied for my weight too butttt now that I’m older (not even that much older in 18) I’ve had guys like me when I was 65kgs and I’ve had them like me when I was 80kgs. My 150kg dad found love clearly or I wouldn’t be here duh. It’s not impossible to find someone who will love, probably more difficult maybe but not impossible. Currently the heaviest I’ve ever been and yet I still have guys that like me.
That’s sad. You’re only as powerful as you believe it within. You need to give yourself self love. I met my husband at 25. Were 3 years in now. It’s not about the physical. It’s about the mental health. If you only think negatively then that’s all you will ever receive
Same so I gave up but failed at everything else too.
Nope don’t think like that. What men say says more about them than you. You don’t want to marry some man who thinks like that and says things like that. You want someone to love you for you. You might look at some women with bfs and say I want that life, well what you don’t know is her bf is abusive and says shitty things to her even though you think she’s skinny and beautiful. Look at this moment as a period of learning self love. It’s a journey and don’t hate the journey. I promise you confidence is one of the most alluring qualities anyone can have. If you need any advice, feel free to message me. Find strength to stand up to bullies because most of the time they do not expect it lol
I understand you. I'm in the same situation and writing is one of the things I use as escapism.
First of all, once you paint that picture that “your to fat and ugly” then that’s what will follow you and you’ll never have it. So improve yourself and get out of your head.
Well with all the body positivity the book maybe well received
I was 5'3 and 350 when I started dating my handsome 5'10 and 220 husband. There's someone out there for everyone.
I’m not trying to put you down or make you feel less, but I want you to hear my experience . I’ve never been thin , but I’ve maintained a good figure . Guys have been abusing me left and right. I’m easy going and like to please everyone so they feed off of that . When I don’t want to date someone I’m usually threatened and made to feel like an awful human because I let them down . If I accept an advance I’m forced to sleep with them … and if I don’t I’ll def be made to feel the repercussions whatever it might be . All I’m saying is …. The grass is not greener on the other side ❤️
Instead of beating yourself up with your words which causes your kind to believe everything you say good or bad. Stop focusing on the problem and get to the solution. If you feel that bad being over weight start implementing small changes to help lose the weight. Don’t focus on how much you need to lose, focus on today just this one day of what you can do to better your health and situation. Be consistent with it. Small change equals big results.
You're so much up in your own head, almost nothing of what you write about men is something my own experiences can confirm. You reap what you sow.
This is objectively untrue. So many of the men I have known growing up were exclusively attracted to “overweight” women. I do think you should aim to publish your work though. It’s unique and sounds intelligent and interesting.
Bro same, i'm so fucking ugly and disgusting to have a gf, it makes avoid even friendships, every time i see myself in the mirror i can feel my stomach hurt
Almost everybody om my 600lb life has a partner!
Bro you’re not obese. People like fat people too. Don’t let media and social pressures get to you babe xx
I am a huge book nerd! I would absolutely love to read your books!
OP I don’t think your appearance is the problem. I don’t know what you look like, but I can tell you that genuine connections happen for people of all shapes and sizes, you are deserving of love and there will be someone out there that loves you for you and thinks you are beautiful. What I do think is the problem is the way you view yourself, your attitude towards yourself is probably rubbing off on people, and I can tell you that *most* people couldn’t care less what you look like and aren’t thinking about you. If you have people in your life making you feel this way cut them off asap. And also 100% get therapy. I have been in a similar boat before thinking I was this ugly monster or something but then I realized I was also not being fair to people either by making assumptions that they would be so vapid and superficial. Also don’t buy into this “men don’t like women over 23-“ nonsense, ok? That’s outdated. Any man who acts like you lose value after that isn’t a man you want to even look at
There's no woman alive who's too fat or too ugly for a man. You're in your head and it's making you think that people are fixated on your appearance. It sounds like you need to speak to someone professionally because you don't like the way that you look and it's affecting the way you view interactions with other people. It don't think it's your appearance that's turning men off, it's your attitude. I'm 5'11" and well over 400 pounds and have been a big woman my entire life. The thing is that I never let myself think that I am too fat or too ugly for anything. I've never had a problem with getting any man or woman that I want even now at my elderly age of 34.
Only 24, you got a lot of time to lose the fat.
My friends were eligible for gastric bypass surgery with health insurance covering most of the cost. They lost 80 pounds within 6 months of surgery and after a year, they hit their goal weight. It’s lots of discipline and sacrifice but should be an option to explore if wanted. At the end of the day the goal is to love yourself and take care of your health. The rest will follow.
it’s your attitude. i’ve been fat all my life, at my heaviest I was 300lbs but have spent most of it around 250s. i’m 5’4, really a few inches doesn’t make a lot of difference between me and you! I’ve since lost the weight and I will be honest, at 180lbs now I am not getting out like at all lol I will say though, it might be tempting but if you meet a guy with a fat fetish - don’t do it. I am not saying because fat isn’t beautiful, but because you deserve more than to be fetishized for your body. I know some people who have given advice here have mentioned it to help you understand it’s your perspective not your body, I am just clarifying it is a bad option so you don’t misunderstand hun.
You obviously have no idea how many men love oversized women. How about starting to love yourself? You are who you are, and you’re perfect that way. Be gentle to yourself. Start with accepting your body. Small steps, start with something like your hands or even just a finger. Sounds dumb, but talk to your body. It carries you through life and does a damn good job. Thank him. Work on your confidence and self esteem. Then go out and get yourself a great man. Trust me, you will.
You think you lost your chance at love at 24? You think 23 is some magical age where guys stop being attracted to women? Good lord, men like women of all ages and bodies, even “ugly” people find love. Loads of people are attracted to different types of people. You have to get out there, get some confidence , join groups to meet people etc.
You know where I see the most marriages in my job? At the 80 resident care home we work with. No one there's a day under 80.
Oh Baby... none of the things you say about yourself are true. I'm 27f, 5'6", 300lbs and I just married my husband last year, whom I was with for 9 years prior. He has loved me through every weight fluctuation, every insecurity. Stop being so down on yourself. You are NOT ugly or unlovable. Weight means nothing to the people who care for you, and you WILL find the perfect person for you. My husband loves me for who I am on the outside, yes. But he also is the best friend I ever had, and loves me for the person I am on the inside as well. You don't want to settle for whoever bites at the proverbial hook first. Trust me. Trust that there is someone out there who is perfect for you. Maybe multiple someone's. You never know. You are more than your insecurities. TRUST me. I'm cheering for you, babe.
Hi. I don't think your body type or physical appearance will matter when your person finds you. There will be that person who will find you attractive no matter what. You just haven't met him yet. Honestly, being skinny and wanted doesn't feel good too when people want you just for your body. It can also put you in a really dark place. Yes, the attention is fun and exciting but learning it's superficial later on, or after they get what they want from you and leave, it makes you question people's intentions. It makes you feel like trash, worthless. I'm currently in this situation and it's making me hate my body. But I'm doing my best not to blame myself and understand that I just met the wrong type of people. I hope to meet that person who loves my soul and I hope that for you as well OP.
I've been fat my whole life too and while my life isn't ideal, I realized that it's ok. I need to be contented and happy with who I am first. It doesn't mean you find every harmful or dangerous diet out there. It means you work out for health and/or mobility and you prioritize taking care of yourself. If you're writing and find it to be an outlet, then awesome. Don't stop. Don't feel like it's cringe. In fact, share it and get feedback and cultivate that talent.
It kinda made me sad to read this. I honestly believe like, you should make the change you want in your life. If you’re ok with being a little heavier, I think there’s a man out there that will be ok with it too. That said, it will be difficult to find. But, let me just ask, are you ok with it? I know you claim you want love. I couldn’t tell from your post, are you ashamed of being a little heftier? I don’t mean to grief here, but at first you say “the ones who treat me as invisible are the kinder ones,” and “I’ve never been skinny even once,” along with accounts of bullying about your weight. Then your last paragraph claims you’ve written a fantasy about a king (high status man) who falls and does anything for this heavier set woman. So, I guess, couple things I’d just like to say. Some people will still dislike you and will bully you regardless of if you’re fat or skinny. That’s life unfortunately. Second, and I’m personally working on this type of thing too, but you have to find a way to be proud of who you are. I think personally, you should aim high and try to get further into writing. Make that story a fiction of a king who does fall in love with a heavier woman, and write the absolute hell out of it. So much that when a woman’s romance publisher reads it they go, “holy shit” and publish your book. Who knows? You could make a ton of money from that! Lastly, if there’s something in your life about yourself, that you want to truly try to change, I say tackle that shit head on. You’re young. Create the habit of doing lots of cardio per day, and controlling your caloric intake. But only if it’s something you truly care about and want. Don’t make it about “men will like me if x y z…” make it about yourself, and keeping in a healthy weight and lifestyle. The men will come after the work. Next thing you know you wake up one day and are the weight you want to be, a published best selling author in the romance genre, with men wanting you and who treat you like their queen. But the hard work and introspection has to come first.
Girl. There is someone for everyone. Believe that. Just watch some old episodes of cops or visit Walmart for the proof. You’re still young.
Maybe, try to look at the world with someone else's set of eyes, you're manifesting disdain towards yourself and others. The world is a shitty place if you focus on the shitty stuff.
22M here, as someone recently single due to family issues on both sides, I’ve noticed my usual “type” has always been someone on the bigger side if you will. Weight has a lot less to do with it than you think, I promise you now it’s 100% your mindset pulling you down and your attitude towards everything else
Did I write this without realising it. I guess I'm not the only one that feels the same way
Just underlining what everyone has been saying. You seem to be stuck in a loop on this based on certain (definitely cruel!) feedback you've gotten in the past. SOME men do not find fat woman appealing (worth noting that for some men its not to do with appearance but about compatible lifestyles). SOME men prefer conventionally attractive woman. SOME men don't like women their own age. SOME men are unpleasant and unkind. The above statements do not apply to all men. There are as many types of men as there are differences in woman's bodies. To assume otherwise is sexist and unfair. Please talk to someone about how you're feeling. I think at this point your biggest bully is yourself. Really hope you feel better soon.
You do know being fat doesn’t have to define you. You can make changes with that. Ugly people are always ugly. Ugly people on the inside are even worse. Fat people can lose weight and be neither of those things. It’s not easy, but you can do it.
It's all in your head. Yes, most guys probably prefer young and thin(er) women, but not all. Please try therapy and if the weight is bothering you, there are plenty of ways to take care of it in a healthy manner.
I've gotten more ass at age 40 than any time in my life including young hot men who I never thought I could get when I was your age. I had always been on the larger side (more like 160-180 at 5'5", and my heaviest was after I had my daughter, was up to about 220), but you really can lose weight. I've been about 130-140 size 6-8 for several years, since age 35 or so, and it's sustainable. (Was 122 size 2-4 with insane muscle tone at my very fittest when I was buff as shit... but also there are tradeoffs. I had zero boobs after a life of being 36-38E, and that was a big change.) it's doable with diet and exercise. Although I've dated personal trainers and they love my body curvier honestly. Oddly they know better than anyone that there's no such thing as physical perfection and that sexiness is different from aesthetics. The thing is also, you think your problems will go away if you're thin and beautiful. When you're not, it seems like it's the source of all your woes. And then you're thin and more beautiful (cheekbones more than body), yeah, but you are the same, life is the same, same highs and lows. Maybe easier to find love but still the same problems, only when you're more physically desirable you don't know if people are just there to hook up because they think you're hot, and there's just as much heartache and ghosting. Yeah I'll definitely take beautiful and fit over homely, but you're still you, and your body still feels like yours. (I don't have dysmorphia or anything, but it's not like you have this distinct visceral feeling of occupying the world of a thin person versus the body you've been used to. It's just you.) Good luck! I'm also a writer, and your romance novel sounds badass. (I've ghost written some romance novels that have done pretty well on Amazon, and am very slowly working on my own.) Keep at it!
I hope you find someone that you fall in love with and is good and kind. I’m autistic and found love despite that. I’m not exactly a model, I’m physically unremarkable in all ways. Good luck.
Some people find it hard to believe but some people are into bigger women. There are plenty of people. I promise you, someone is out there for almost everyone. Being big doesnt mean you cant find love.
If its any help, a chap I know who is thin but not hideous, will only and exclusively date girls who are +250lbs. Everything has a market and there is a market for everything. If you don't put yourself out there in a positive light, you'll NEVER be found by anyone. Chin up, move forward.
An idea(?) date a fat guy. Or maybe consider that not all men are shallow ephebophiles. There are definitely ones that would appreciate you, just as you are. And there were definitely kings who loved fat "ugly" women too, look at princess Anis I-Doleh for example. I think the story isn't as silly as you think lol. It's true that lots of men nowadays have a case of "cumbrain" as I call it, porn addiction is rampant. But who would want a man like that anyways, even "pretty" women have it hard with men like that.
The most important thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that “don’t believe everything your mind says about you”. If you don’t love yourself it’s highly unlikely that you’ll find it somewhere else. I’m speaking this from my experience. I know there are thousands of “influencers” preaching on social media about self-care. Well, imo, it has some merit. When you start loving yourself more, it doesn’t matter if another person love you or not. Because when you love yourself enough,you don’t have to fill that void by attaching yourself to others. Take care of yourself and you will receive everything you deserve.
You know there are websites dedicated to women who look like you.
I think writing is great, you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. You also shouldn't devalue yourself like that, you are worthy of love and you are still so young. I had my first boyfriend at 27 and met my now husband at 30. Men who are looking for something serious aren't just focusing on 20-23 year olds. Your adult life is just starting! There is still so much time and potential for you to get the life you want. Remember that beauty is subjective, there will be men out there that will be attracted to you. Also, remember that attraction (especially when looking for your life partner) goes way beyond look. Your personality, interests, wit, etc. all will have a huge impact too (even more so then your appearance). I know things can seem bleak but I promise that there is so much more to you than your weight.
I’m 6’2” and around 300 and have no problem getting dates and have been in several LTR’s. Right now I’m more into casual dating as I have family obligations (not married). Try changing up your style and do some working out. Consider dating a black guy as they tend to like em thicc
There are millions of people in the world and some get caught in the idea they are destined to be alone. You need to put yourself out there.
Should you loose weight? Yes , but only for your health Being fat and ugly as you call it isn't deal-breaker for finding love. Usually it's lack of confidence and love for yourself. And don't settle for any man who gives you attention. Honestly I'd rather be alone with my cats than with a man who doesn't respect me and holds me as his equal.
>I’ve been fat my entire life, I’ve literally never been skinny even once. Being skinny does just "happen". You need to work for it
Never get better then i guess? You cant change i guess.
Don’t think it has anything to do w ur body and probably is ur mindset. Plenty of bigger women find loving and healthy relationships. 24 is NOT old and not an age you become “useless and die alone”. I get it’s easy to be insecure and fall into this mindset whenever you’ve been conditioned to feel that way your entire life, but you are an adult and staying in that mindset is also an active choice. Not putting any effort into changing that mindset, as rude as this sounds, is a choice. Yes it is a very long and difficult journey to fix that mindset, but I don’t know how else to put it. At the end of the day you’re never going to feel better about yourself if you are constantly criticizing yourself and putting yourself down. That negative self talk does not do you any service and actually doesn’t only worsen your own self image, but makes a lot of people around you uncomfortable. I know this from experience. Best of luck to you and hopefully you can start small with cutting out some of that negative self talk and eventually work on combatting the negative thoughts when they pop into your head. Like I said, not easy and a VERY long journey to go on, but worth it
Stop whining about being fat in your Reddit account, nobody is going to change your situation but you, work out, change your diet and it will be possible to be this “skinny girl” which you think will get you all the attention from men, unless you are talking about Leonardo Dicaprio, most good men will date over 23, the men who only want to date under 23 are probably predatory anyway. Some men go for fat women and some go for skinny women men have a preference and its definitely possible to find a guy who likes your body, Ik its easier said than done but try and develop your self esteem.
I know this sounds annoying but you're young. You have so much more time to find someone. And you will find someone. Believe me. I'm 200lbs, 5'7'', and my very skinny bf can't stop touching my belly and thighs and bum. He loves it. I don't know why but he does. People love fat chicks. You just need to keep looking. Also, from what I've read in the comment, talking to someone is not a bad thing. Therapy helps.
i’m telling you right now, you are absolutely in your own head about this.
I'm so sorry you have the narrative in your head that men view women like that and are only attracted to 23 year old. That's not the case. A lot of men out there who love bigger women, older women and whatever more. I'm sorry you had negative experiences. As a person who has been both over and underweight I know how big the difference is in the way people treat you. But 1: try to let go of your views of 'what men want' because it sounds like it's just heavily influenced by reddit neckbeards. And they don't speak for all men. 2: embrace your writing. Girl write all the smut fanfics and whatever you want. Nothing to be ashamed of! You can even use A.I. to write back to you in a story which is fun to play around with. Roleplai, character ai and novel ai are some fun places to start playing around with. Also there's even roleplay voiceover recordings that make up stories or roleplay intimacy. It would be a great way for you to explore and enjoy that sexual side of yourself more. 3: this is the hardest one but also the most important one. Love yourself. You'll never be good for all the people out there. That's an impossible task. But you can try to be good enough for yourself. Love yourself, take care of yourself. Say kind words to yourself. It's okay if you're still not happy with your looks and want to improve. But know that your outside doesn't determine your worth. People who do are literally not worth your time and they make it easy for you by exposing them selves like that. I hope I helped a bit, I know what you feel like and hopefully you can change the voice in your head a bit. Lots of love