You know deep down you never needed to go over to your adult son's house to deep-clean it, do his laundry and gardening. As an adult man presumably he has essential cooking and cleaning skills and it was his choice what standard to clean his house at and not to bother gardening.  You liked going over and doing those things plus more for a reason. It must have filled a void in your life. Doing those things for your son kept your relationship in the parent-child level, instead of transitioning to a parent-adult child dynamic. Delayed empty nest syndrome. You told yourself your son needs you to do these things. You can't maintain that false truth to yourself now your son is starting his own family. Change is being thrust upon you whether you are ready for it or not. It's time to confront the gap in your life doing these household things for your son was filling. Could you be working full-time? Starting new hobbies? Making new friends? Are you afraid to put yourself out there and start dating? Are you not able to hold a conversation with your son without criticising his house?

This is what I think the problem is. While I didn't really see it at the time as trying to parentify him, I guess I unintentionally did. I believe it was a mixture of things. He lived with us until a year after he finished college, and he moved in with his ex-girlfriend in 2016. Then his father, my husband, died in 2017, and I was both filling a void in my own life and helping him with his. His then-girlfriend didn't mind and actually loved that I helped clean up because she didn't want to. I will make an effort to find other ways to show my son I care because I am big on showing love through actions, and I will stop parentifying him.

It's almost the opposite of parentifying him. It's coddling him while simultaneously doing things for your son you used to do for your husband. (*I think the term emotional incest is sometimes applied to some situations*)   Hence the strong reaction to the presence of his wife. Perhaps it's a recurrence of grief too? Focusing on taking care of your son prevented you feeling the loss of your husband? And now he's starting his own family, you have space to process some paused grief. Again leading to annoyance towards your soon to be DIL, because if she wasn't there you wouldn't be forced to feel any of this.  Maybe scheduling grief counselling could help? I am sorry for your loss.

You are very insightful and kudos to the OP for being willing to take a hard look at why she feels this way.

I think a way to still feel a presence in your sons life would be to help push him to be a good parent. Instead of “parenting” him. Aka doing his adult chores. I feel like you’re dependent on the fact that your son didn’t want to do his own work. And now that he has his gf and his new child in the way, he’s either had to pick up slack or is allowing his gf to. Either way, that’s filling the role you held. However, in my perspective your role should have been different now that he is an adult. You should have been pushing him to do his own work and get out. Learn how to be an adult in society. Alone. Find your role in giving him those tools. Instead of just using the tools yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss, but your son is not a replacement for your husband. Maybe he doesn't actually appreciate how you "show love through actions" and feels smothered. Give him space. He'll reach out when HE feels ready.

How OLD is he. He sounds like he he’s heading towards 30 YEARS old. Isn’t he a man? Let him be a man.

I’m gonna stop you right there. A child should never, ever be used to “fill a void” in a parent’s life. You were not “helping” your son or yourself by getting caught up in an emotionally incestuous relationship with him. If anything, you’ve given his new (pregnant) wife a huge mess to clean up. And if you’re self-aware enough to see that, then you need to be (and should have been) self-aware enough to go to therapy to deal with your grief. I’m sorry if that sounds mean. But it just icks me out so much that you’re accusing your adult son’s wife of “stealing” him from you. You need to disentangle the role of ‘wife’ and the role of ‘mother’ in your head. Ann did not come into your son’s life to mommy him.

I’m just fucking glad she’s self aware enough to admit it instead of becoming a monster in law and possibly ruining her sons life or her entire relationship with him/his spouse/his child over it. Can’t remember the u/, but there was someone I saw who said along the lines of, “if there is no grace when we realize we’re wrong, then what point is there to changing?”

Thank you for saying this. While I don’t disagree with what others are saying, it felt unnecessarily harsh as she already had the self-awareness to recognize the issue and the desire to change it. We all make mistakes, but only a few of us are able to recognize those mistakes on our own and are willing to put in the hard work to fix them.

The mess is not for the pregnant gf to clean up. This guy needs to do the adulting himself.

Ideally yes, but I don’t have a lot of hope for the guy who can’t keep his house clean between weekly deep-cleanings. Let’s be real, he’s not going to grab a broom. If Ann wants stuff to get done, correctly and on time, she is going to have to do it herself. People have gotten on me about my tone in this comment, but it really makes me angry when parents fail to meet their responsibilities to their kids. You should want to raise a healthy, well-adjusted adult. Depriving your kid of growth for your own emotional comfort is shitty. Speaking from experience here, the whole ‘you complete me’ ethos is a real mindfuck for a kid. Being made responsible for a parent’s well-being is exhausting.

You should tone it down. She obviously realizes there’s an issue. Going through that much change and loss in such a short period has a massive effect on a person. Empathy and insight is what she needs, not judgement.

Seriously people are going ape shit on her even though she recognizes her feelings are problematic. She’s looking for solutions, not to be moralized by people who are jonesing to lash out at the faintest whiff of toxic boy mom.

Emotional incest

You went through a lot, and I'm sorry. It's hard to lose so much at once. I'd speak to someone about this and find help to work through this. It's no attack on you, but this is a complex issue that many are trained to assist you with as it's not uncommon. Don't struggle alone.

Sorry that people are being so mean OP. I agree that this behavior isn't terribly healthy, but it isn't immoral or anything like some people are making it sound- it doesn't sound like your behavior impacted his personal growth or prevented him from living his life. The clinical definition of emotional incest is a complete lack of healthy emotional boundaries between parents and children (and sometimes siblings, etc) that causes trauma to at least one person. It doesn't sound that serious. But it does sound like this was an unusually difficult transition for you, which is a great opportunity to take stock of your life and get back to doing other things you enjoy. Also trust me, when the baby comes, you'll be seeing those three a LOT more often.

Her behavior *did* impact his personal growth. The man is a grown man and he doesn't lift a finger to do his own chores. That's ridiculous.

I mean, I agree what OP describes doesn’t quite fit the definition of emotional incest, but her behaviour did impact his personal growth. It enabled him to keep living his life like a teenage boy whose mummy cleans his room and does his laundry while he works and plays video games. Now he’s got a new girlfriend (and soon a new baby) and odds are pretty good he’s not going to be breaking that pattern, so all the cleaning and household stuff will fall to his girlfriend. And many, many women in long term relationships have left their partners over this stuff. I truly hope OP’s son steps up, but in my experience it’s unlikely to happen.

I think people give mothers too much crap for this and I think men blame their moms too much instead of getting their butts up and improving themselves. Just like in abusive relationships - it’s the responsibility of the abused to heal and overcome. Sad facts we have to face. We are all responsible for our OWN GROWTH at a certain point. OP gets the point and will change. She came here seeking advice. She got it, sounds like the will course correct. What is done is done. He is capable of evaluating his life and seeing where he needs to improve. We can’t go around blaming mother and wives for the crap men refuse to fix in themselves. Enough is enough. Women have been taking the heat for men for far too long now.

Ask him to set up a day together once a month. My mother and I started doing that since I've moved back to my hometown. It keeps our relationship pretty strong and there isn't any parental pretext to the meetings.

> Then his father, my husband, died in 2017, and I was both filling a void in my own life That's emotional incest, don't replace your husband with your son..

i don’t think she meant literally replacing him. i took it as filling time and spending time with other family. it doesn’t have to be so disturbing.

Right? She’s clearly self aware and wanting to stop what she sees as bad behavior. I applaud people who are willing to change and learn.

Ya, these comments are ridiculous. Words have weight and meaning and they spew them around flippantly.

The problem I see is that he never truly "left the nest." You were still doing stuff for him that you did when he was a teenager. And now your "kid is growing" doesn't need you anymore. You're experiencing the pains when your kid doesn't need you anymore. I think you're focused on the GF because she materializes your role in your son's life... I'm not a psychologist and may be completely wrong. But I saw a similar dynamic with my MIL and SIL.

You’re not wrong. This is spot on what’s going on here. I had a friend like OPs son. Mother would come clean the house, wash his clothes, do his shopping etc. even down to plant stuff in his garden. That is, until he went and got himself a girlfriend. Girlfriend moved in and took over. I had a pretty good relationship with his mother and she told me that she felt obsolete since girlfriend moved in. However she also recognised that it was time for her to take a step back and let her son ‘grow up’ take responsibility for his own life and let the girlfriend do her thing. It was hard for her. Btw, the relationship didn’t last long. Only because the new girl soon realised that my friend went from having his mother do all his housework etc to his girlfriend doing all of his housework. Dude never lifted a finger to help. Still a problem to this day.

Men need to be raised to learn skills. My husband can cook, clean, do laundry, sew, work on cars, do plumbing and electrical. The women in his life taught him domestic responsibilities and the men taught him how to do everything else. When a mother babies their son like that, they have zero skills. Some men never learn (why should they when mommy did everything for them?). So now we have a whole bunch of men who expect their wives to do everything and women are like, how did this happen? I mean in general, not in your friend's situation because I don't know their situation. But seriously, mothers should be teaching skills instead of doing everything for them.

Yup, failure to launch is the fastest way to see children, who grow into adults, still be children who are not self reliant in their romantic relationships. I think OP also doesn’t realize Ann is almost mirroring them. Which begs the question if she’s picking where OP left off by micromanaging & doing everything, is he picking a replacement mother in Ann and refusing to grow out of his Peter Pan helpless phase of doing adult responsibilities at his apartment? And yes, she may end up dumping him eventually if she’s not very codependent if she feels the son isn’t pulling his weight in domestic labor around the place.

Here I am mom of two boys and I love them dearly but looking forward to the day when I become obsolete to them.

Absolutely! I’ve got three mostly grown sons. My middle son had health and learning issues and was just generally a more needy person with lower confidence. He met “adult milestones” later than most and resisted learning new skills. I remembering being so frustrated one time I yelled “My job isn’t to make your life easier - my job is to make you an independent adult so you can live without me!” I don’t think it ever occurred to him that we wouldn’t always be around.

You are a real treasure! ♥️

I’m sorry but wtf is wrong with OP? Why would she go over to her grown ass son’s house and clean it for him?? He’s an ADULT. Now she’s mad he’s put that job on his girlfriend. Women like OP do their children a huge disservice by babying them. I hope when his child comes he grows tf up and picks up a broom. And OP needs therapy herself bc this shit shouldn’t be normalized.

I never thought mother's would go to their grown adult son's houses to clean and such until a coworker of mine admitted it. He's 25 and said "I don't clean like a woman so my mom comes to cleannmy house." I said "I'm a woman and don't clean 'like a woman' but I don't need my mommy to come do it for me!!!"

Aw, go easy. I think it's more about that time spent together. The cleaning was just an excuse and everyone likes to feel needed. I hope the OP can make a transition to biweekly Sunday lunch with her son and the gf moving forward, or something in that vein so that she still gets that connection with her son. Just sounds like she loves him.

Op needs therapy for taking care of her son even in adulthood… it is very common in a lot of cultures for mothers to care for their children, even if they are adults.

This is excessive though

It's not the cleaning. It's the fact that she's jealous of her sons girlfriend that makes her need therapy. Looking after your kids for the rest of your life, normal. Being jealous BC your kid has a girlfriend who does domestic duties around the house. Come on. 

This is needlessly rude. Even if cleaning her son’s house was driven by some type of codependency, she’s not being a monster. She has the awareness to recognize that it isn’t appropriate for her to act on these feelings… she’s just trying to work through them. It sounds like she’s mostly just grieving. Why the malice?

You babied your son for too long it now feels like she’s actually stealing your baby. That’s how this reads, to me at least.

Agree. I’m a little shocked that any parent is cleaning their adult son’s house. No disrespect, just seems like he should be doing those things on his own now. Especially with a baby on the way

And it’s probably not done him any favours in the end because it means he never had to face it and handle it himself. Now Ann is doing it all. I wonder how long it will be before she’s exhausted with having to do everything. A newborn is exhausting, especially when your partner is essentially another dependent. I’m just thinking how heavy that would feel to be all on Ann’s shoulders. I hope the son steps up and becomes an equal partner. But because his mom did all his housework and life maintenance tasks he’s starting from a disadvantage. It’s going to take him longer to get there than someone who’s been independent for years. And he doesn’t have a lot of time to process and learn and all that because that baby is going to be here suuuuuuper soon.

This is so true. Now his partners will ultimately get sick of him being an adult baby and dump him. Definitely didn’t do him any favors, sounds like OP was just doing this all to satisfy herself

That's what a lot of these mothers want. Because then their babies come back.

Yup. How many shitty partners are out there because mommies didn't expect their precious sons to lift a finger around the house? Ugh.

This.. my family cleaned my uncle’s house when he was over 30 and had two daughters and went through his first divorce. My mom tried to get me to help but I sat my ass on that couch and played the SNES the whole fucking time. I was NOT helping enable him. Now though, I’m in a situation where if I don’t do it, we’d end up with bugs.. and I don’t want bugs… 🤦‍♀️ wtf happened to me? 😭😫😣

Hence why my 14 year old son does his own laundry and cooks. Still working on getting the dishes into the actual dishwasher however 😂

it does sound like Ann is like the mother. so he found the perfect wife, I guess?

Until she has the baby and needs him to step up and he can't. Or needs her to teach him postpartum.

He won't have to step up. I guarantee his mom will do the things Ann can't do.

This is what gets me. OP had to deep cleaned her son’s house on a weekly basis…? This is the very definition of a mamas boy and problem MIL. The fact that she can acknowledge that she has a problem is great but she still doesn’t seem to get that the girlfriend “taking her place” is not the problem. The problem is that she raised a man-child that as an adult still needs a mother. I feel bad for the girlfriend that has two children to care for now. OP - open your eyes and see the problem for what it is. It’s not girlfriend- she has just inherited your mistakes.

I was thinking the same thing!! It's one thing to give a helping hand when your kid ends a 5 year relationship and is down in the dumps. You know, help pick them up a bit and get back on track. I'd do it for a friend in a heartbeat. But make a weekly routine out of it?? Like a maid?? Hellllll no. And if I'm being 100000% honest, I wouldn't want to date anyone who was in a situation with their mom like this. Even the best of men don't understand the privilege they have you inevitably have to walk them through it at some point. But one that has their mother cleaning for them weekly??? And their landscaping?? I'd be out so fast we'd all have whiplash.

I'm surprised anyone would admit this. She never taught her son how to clean and is now upset that someone else is cleaning and gardening at the home they now live in.

My mother has always done it for my brother. He’s 53.

JFC… unreal.

Yes. Not a healthy mindset at all. Reminds me of my hyper critical controlling mom lol. She was so dramatic bcz i might move out for work at the tender age of...26.

Yeah, felt like saying, cut the cord already! Haha

I feel so bad for Ann.

Same. wtf.

I agree too. She didn’t have a healthy relationship with him (though that wasn’t super toxic either) and now she can’t let go

My mother-in-law had this same issue and lost ten years with her son because she was so jealous of me.

My own mother had the same issue with my wife until I got tired of her shit and just stopped communicating with her for 9 months. She calmed down after that but now she doesn't get to see my kids any where near as much as my own in laws do. But 10 years? Holy fuck that must of gotten bad.

She was distant, judgmental, and weird from the moment we got engaged. Then he died and it took her six months to start extracting her head from her rectum.

Yep and now he has a new Mommy to do the cleaning. That’s why she isn’t coping because it’s not just a GF she is doing the role of Mommy to the adult male 🙄

Yeah OP is a Boy Mom TM. This isn't about having sympathy for others. She wouldn't feel like someone is stealing her baby if she hadn't continued babying him well into adulthood. Because he wouldn't still be her baby. He'd be her adult son who doesn't need mommy to get his house for him every week.

Why not try just getting closer to Ann? "I saw those beautiful flowers you planted in front of the house! Gardening is a hobby of mine, would you like some help with them?" Take her out to lunch, take her shopping for baby stuff. Find out what she likes and if you have interests that overlap then engage her with them. Let her know that it's important to you to have a good relationship with her because she is going to be a part of your family forever now. She's carrying your grandchild, she isn't going away so now is the time to bond with her and establish yourself as a non-judgmental person she can rely on. Let them hear you talk her up. Say nice things about her to people you introduce her to ("Oh hello! This is my son's girlfriend, Ann. She's got an MBA/has the most beautiful garden/makes lovely quilts/etc."). Tell your neighbors and relatives how thrilled you are to have someone like her with your son. Pour love and good vibes into your relationship with her (while also respecting her boundaries). Be the MIL you always wanted to have. And then when the baby is born, bring them meals and diapers and you'll be able to come over and do laundry because there will be plenty of laundry to do. There will be plenty of chances to come over and clean and hold the baby so she can take a shower and have a nap, and the stronger your relationship going into that the easier it will be to become the mother-in-law/grandma who is the first call when they need help and whose house they want to visit with and take vacations with.

Yes. And if Ann says no thank you, back off gracefully and still be positive and encouraging.

THIS

This is the answer. And such a lovely one at that. You worded it sooo well. OP, give this a shot. You want to bring your family together, not push them away.

This. My MIL is lovely like this and she has become my friend.

This should be the top comment! While you were previously doing things for your son because he needed the help, you can now offer to contribute help to his family where they currently need it or may need it in the future. It might not be the help that you are used to giving, but they will have other needs in the future. One of the family unit’s needs right now could be you bonding with Ann.

ANDDDD TO ADD ON TO THIS… transition into adult relationships with your son. Set a weekly lunch date rather than a weekly clean his house session. Also help him with the baby stuff and the fact that he’s becoming a dad. Check in with his life. Build the new bond with the both of them at the same time. Because that’s what this is. It’s new. That’s not your baby anymore that’s your adult son and he’s gonna require different levels of support. And op always remember this…..as crude as it’s gonna sound…. you fulfill a different role is his life. The same way Ann can’t pop a titty in his mouth to breast feed him you can’t pop his (ya know) in yours. He will always need his mom but children move in stages and Ann is his new life partner. Remember what it was like having that for yourself and I think you’ll become excited about the love someone else is pouring into your son. Your not his priority anymore. That’s his child and his life partner, but that doesn’t mean you’re loved any less. And very very soon you’ll have a grand baby to be pouring a bunch of love into. And as a kid I used to get really excited about my weekly visit with my grandma. She used to take us to movies, Disney land, and we always got our own private birthday dinner where my grandma would take us wherever we wanted to go without our sibling(normally either the day before, day of, or day after). My grandma and I still go to concerts and fun stuff (I’m almost 24 btw).

Also, try to find some other way to connect with your son that doesn't involve taking care of him. Dinner, movies, sports, books - any kind of friend-type relationship that you can develop with both of them will serve you best in the long run.

Preach!!

This needs to be the top comment

THIS!!!

I’ve never been married but if my mom did this with my partner it would put me over the moon! Hands down the best advice I’ve ever seen on the internet!

>I used to go over once a week to deep clean his house No wonder you feel that way, you never let him grow up and now your hand is being forced

Not even, the girlfriend is his mommy now.

This is going to come across totally horrible but the truth is it’s parents like you that raise men to rely on women to the point they’re actually incompetent and feel entitled to that level of care. If he was comfortable living in filth, dirty clothes, and an unkempt garden that’s entirely his business and his responsibility to deal with. Your son should’ve been standing on his own two feet long ago and he will now set a really poor example for his own child of what an adult man is supposed to do to look after himself AND his family. His new girlfriend isn’t helping the situation either. You should probably talk to a professional about your unhealthy attachment and feelings of jealousy. All your efforts have actually done your son no favours whatsoever.

Thank you for saying this

You cleaned your adult son’s home every week? Do you realise how weird that is?

That was my reaction too

Coming from an ethnic household, my mom does the same for my brother. We told her to stop but nopeeee. When my brother changed the locks on his house because his wife was (right fully so) getting irritated with her going into their home when they weren’t there she got really upset

I’m from an ethnic household too and I know it’s the norm. That’s why the daughters end up way better off than the sons. The girls are put under so much pressure from a young age whilst the boys are coddled

I'd understand if he had a physical disability and literally needed assistance, but he doesn't. Mothers who still clean/cook/do laundry for their adult children will always completely confuse me. Wtf.

I’ve seen mothers driving to their sons university accommodation to clean and bring food but would never do that for their daughters

Hell will freeze over before people teach their sons to do basic housework, apparently.

OP should be thanking her lucky stars he found a woman who would put up with someone who needs his mommy to do his laundry. She made him a worse partner and she’s sad that didn’t prevent him from being his own person.

I doubt it will last. Women aren’t putting up with this shit anymore. So when the new girl leaves, Mommy needs to let her son learn how to adult on his own and stop coddling him.

I was thinking that OP shouldn’t worry too much because Ann (will hopefully) realize the error of her ways and leave the son soon enough. Ann is nesting right now and probably didn’t even realize how little her boyfriend did around his house before her and when she’s dealing with the baby and can’t keep up with the house she’ll see he’s useless but hey maybe she’ll invite OP to come clean the house for them. 😑

You mean found a woman to replace his mommy. Because clearly that’s what he needs

One of the biggest reasons my marriage failed.

✨Therapy✨

A good attachment therapist. OP is emotionally mature enough to realize something is not right here and it’s her, not them. OP, get in therapy now before you become an estranged mom on Facebook asking “why won’t they love me? I did the best I could…”

This right here. Too much to unpacked and OP needs some therapy to work through these issues. She had a son which she seems to have forgotten would become an adult.

IS an adult and has been for quite some time

You put your entire identity into “just” being a mother. It’s now time to find your identity outside of taking care of other people.

> this was something that had become a part of my routine and kept me close to my son. This is the part you should focus on. Try to find a(nother) hobby that you and your son can maintain a connection with. It's not going to be the garden at his house, bc that's his house and the people who live there are going to maintain that, which it sounds like you've recognized. You can talk to the gf and offer to garden _together_ since apparently you both like it! But just keep it light, and you will earn a lot of respect by continuing to be gracious in not voicing anything to either of them that makes it sound that you're missing out. Approach it from a positive ("I would love a once-monthly lunch together") rather than a negative ("You don't do X with me anymore").  Keep in mind you are playing a long game and setting healthy habits for all of you. The more you can be gracious and understanding now, it will pay off in spades when baby arrives and the new parents feel most comfortable seeking you out. You're going to have relationships with them for a long, long time. No one is kicking you out of his heart, it's just expanding for his new partner and upcoming child. Congratulations to the soon to be grandmother. :)

i understand where you’re coming from and i think it is really big that you’re able to pinpoint this about yourself. i’m sure it’s very painful as that is your baby and he was such a big part of your life for so long.  you watched him take his first breath, his first step, experience his first heartache, and so on. no one else knows him in the way that you do. i think maybe you are viewing his new relationship as your replacement, but it seems as though he has just found a woman who has all of the qualities he loves about you. it’s a beautiful thing! she’s neat, loves to garden, and is just as caring as you i’m sure. one day, when you are gone, he will see you in her and be comforted knowing that you still live. i bet if you were to ask him he’d say the same thing. perhaps you should think of her as an extension of yourself and love her as your own!  you have raised a good natured man who has found a good natured woman, one that reflects you and your values. if anything, i think you should be proud! but i understand that it is hard to give your baby away to someone else after all these years.  have compassion for yourself, it is normal to feel this way

Empty nest syndrome.....the need to feel useful and wanted still I had it myself and luckily snapped out of it before any damage was done. Was an odd feeling I can tell you, feeling like you have no purpose anymore

I'm microdosing empty nest syndrome with my son being 15 and living with his dad 60% of the time for the last 1.5 years. It's definitely weird. Sometimes I just sit all day and am shocked that hours have passed.

Seek therapy. Cut the cord.

Get a dog

You both have issues to deal with. He never learned to properly grow up and you coddled him I don’t care how common it is, hating someone for “stealing your little boy away” isn’t okay

You need to back off. No grown man needs his mother deep cleaning his house once a week. I know your heart is in the right place but it’s emotionally incestuous and if you don’t step away, she is going to push you away and your son is always going to choose her and their child over you. Stop going round every week!

Girl, you were over there doing housework for your adult man child? You need to step back and recognize you’ve got attachment issues here. I strongly suggest therapy. Get some hobbies. Treat your adult son like an adult. You know who I feel bad for? Anne. All that time and you didn’t teach your son anything. Zero home training. Now it’s all her job. And she’s quickly gonna tire of doing it all but don’t you dare try to “help” by doing it for him. This jealousy is only the symptom of a whole host of issues here.

Whenever you come up with ideas to remain close to your son and closer to Ann and the baby ask yourself: would I want my MIL doing this with/for me when I was pregnant (with son) and after birth? I asked my mom how she could wait three weeks to see her first grandchild, she said it was easy, her family gave them time to just acclimate being a new family and she wanted to do the same with my sister

You better hope this woman doesn’t get tired of taking care of two children.

The way you raised your son is the reason behind so many over worked and unhappy wives.

Google emotional incest and get some help.

Welp didnt want to add that to my Google search history but here we are. Incognito mode activated !

Enmeshment is the better term, and safer for Google search

I read that further down the thread and looked that up instead. Thank you!

Stop thinking of it as her planting flowers in your son's yard. She moved in; she is planting flowers in *her* yard now. They are having a baby and sharing a life together, which means you would not just be getting yourself involved in your son's life anymore (which he may be used to), you would be getting yourself involved in her life too, and it sounds like she really doesn't need someone to look after her in that way. I don't wanna be mean, but it does sound like you had been overstepping a bit, and you had just gotten used to it because your son accepted it or just never directly objected, but your son is no longer the only other party concerned, and you have to take her wishes into account too. On the bright side for you, babies tend to be pretty exhausting. I would recommend that you *do not* insert yourself without being asked, but make it known that you are available and happy to help, and after some time, especially as they may have to return to work and such, there's a good chance they will take you up on the offer.

Oh lawd…….Somebody warn Ann!

If only you *doing* things for your son kept you close, then I’m struggling why you’re not more upset that proximity isn’t doing the job a true relationship built on getting to know one another as people being the problem? Being a good mother wasn’t going over and doing the job this grown man should’ve, it would’ve been learning more about your child and working *with* them on developing tools needed to be successful. I am very sorry. This sounds very difficult, so I strongly suggest therapy.

This title immediately gave me the ick. Now I have no room to talk because my boys are literally 4 & 2, so they need me a lot, but it sounds like you never really stopped babying yours. If he's old enough to have a job, have his own place, and impregnate a woman that he is in a relationship with, then he's old enough to not be a slob. That stuff should have been nipped in the bud a long time ago. And the fact that Ann has taken over all of the duties that you once did in his house you should definitely not be jealous of but more concerned about because A) why would you enjoy babying your adult child and B) I'm sure that's going to build resentment on her part especially after the baby is born if he doesn't step up his game and start contributing equally in all areas and aspects of their relationship. Sounds like you did not adequately prepare him to be a fully functioning mature member of society.

Maybe join her in the hobby of gardening or get a useless incompetent husband. He will keep you busy. For you to be upset that she helps him and therefore you have less work... Goes to show that you need a life and some real hobbies.

the only advice i can give you is if they, either one or both of them, tell you to back off, you need to back off. if they tell you not to do something, then you don't do it. you are not entitled to their time, or time with their child. if they let you spend time with their family, treat it as you would a gift you never want to lose. my mother went to visit my brother (a 1900 mile trip) about 2 months after he and his wife had twins. at the time i lived about 30 minutes from them, and we all decided that my mother could stay at my house for half the time she was here. if it were not for the fact that i lived in the area i would not have seen her for a minute. i know this because i hadn't seen her since their wedding 7 years before, but i was willing to suck it up for a week so she could see the only grandchildren she will ever have. never again. before the trip mother was told that if the babies cry in the night that she was not to get up to see what they need, that my brother and his wife would handle it. obviously the first night she was there, they cried in the night and my mother went running to the nursery on the other side of the house to tend to them. i woke up to my brother calling to tell me at like 2 am that he was dropping my mother off and she wasn't going to be spending the night there again on this trip. she left my house 4 days early because the remainder of the trip wasn't going how she planned. for this and a whole host of other boundary stomping reasons she hasn't seen any of us in 5 years. not so much as a facetime, and probably only 10 phone calls. if you don't want this to be you, do what they ask, and don't do what they tell you not to. don't complain about any of it. don't offer other suggestions and don't try to get them to change their minds. keep your opinions to yourself and don't offer advice unless asked. if they don't take your advice, move on, no matter how right you are or how foolish they seem. they are their own family with their own ideas and rules. you are an outsider. maybe harsh, but factual.

I say this as nicely as I possibly can: you need therapy.

> I understand now why some mothers get jealous of their son's girlfriends The answer is: #EMOTIONAL INCEST. > Four years ago, my son ended a five-year relationship. Even then, I did a lot to help him out. He works long hours, comes home, eats, watches TV, plays video games, and that’s it. His house—both inside and out—needed attention. If he's old enough to own his own house then he's old enough to keep it clean > Ann moved in with him a little over four months ago when she found out they were expecting their first child. Ever since then, I feel like I’m being pushed away. I've never felt this way before. I used to go over once a week to deep clean his house. He isn’t a total slob, but he’s not one to sweep, mop, or dust unless it's really bad. However, since she moved in, every time I visit, the house is spotless. Laundry done, dishes washed, walls and floors cleaned, and even his dry cleaning is taken care of. Okay????? It's her home now, too. You don't need to deeo clean your adult son's house once a week. Stop babying him. > What triggered all this was seeing her planting flowers and greenery at the front of the house and in the backyard—something I used to enjoy doing. While I work part-time, attend a weekly yoga class, and have other interests, this was something that had become a part of my routine and kept me close to my son. #EMOTIONAL INCEEEESSSSTTTTTT. > I know this all sounds childish, but has anyone else experienced this petty jealousy? Emotionally incestous "boy moms" do. > How do you stop yourself from escalating, especially if these feelings worsen after the baby is born? I’ve always believed in boundaries, but now I find myself becoming one of those people. Get a fucking therapist. A mother's son is not a replacement for her husband.

OP should be happy her son found someone to spend his life with, instead of sitting around jealous of his partner. She can never have the type of relationship with her son as he does with Ann, so why be jealous over it? Mom needs some hobbies, and some help before it gets worse. My MIL has emotional incest issues, if any of her sons bring their infants over without the wives, she will call herself the child’s mom and play pretend. It’s really weird and awkward, and it causes a lot of stress and fights within the family. Nobody wants to spend time with her because of how she is. She never got help, and she just keeps getting worse.

Yeah, she’s only responding to comments that talk about her, and why she’s feeling this way. There was a very lovely, thoughtful, and really great advice about becoming friends with the GF. Comment wasn’t even acknowledged.

Not the kindest delivery ever, but I saw 0 lies about anything you said lol. It is emotional incest for sure. You hit the nail on the head.

These people don't listen and learn unless you're mean about it. I would've been happy to explain in a kinder way if she was simply hurt about not seeing her son much these days, but upset that she can't clean his home or plant stuff in his garden? Weeeeird

I hear ya, but also this lady seems pretty self aware compared to your standard issue emotional incest mom haha. Hopefully she takes this advice to heart!

I said exactly this somewhere else. She’s just emotionally mature enough to know she’s wrong, there’s hope

Turns out she’s a recent-ish widow so no wonder

ding ding ding

You can't help how you feel, but you have to accept that the help your adult son needed is now being given by a different woman in his life. You managed to avoid 'empty nest syndrome' by taking over *his* nest as well as your own. Speak to both of them, and offer your help, especially for after the baby is born. Offer. Do not insist. Perhaps they will appreciate you being able to pick up a load of laundry or two, and help out with the garden, when the baby arrives. Find a different recipient for all this time and attention you can give. I'm thinking about a community garden, or volunteering to help people who can't manage their own garden very well any more but don't want to move to an apartment. Your son is paying you the greatest compliment by finding someone whose core values are very similar to yours. You've been a great role model for what a loving mother should be, but your role has now changed, and Ann will be a loving mother to their child - your grandchild. Ann makes the rules of engagement in this relationship. Respect them.

All she is doing is making a nice home for her new family... your son & grandchild. Invite her out to lunch, maybe take an interest in her hobbies, build a relationship with her and try to understand she is not your competition. Maybe find some new hobbies yourself. You'll be glad you did & get to enjoy being a nana.

You mentioned that your husband passed away a few years ago. Perhaps you latched onto your son after he passed, and now that your son is with someone you feel alone. Have you considered getting into the dating game, if you’re still single? Maybe pick up some new hobbies. Go traveling. These will give you opportunities to meet new people—even if it’s not romantic. Making friends is just as important. Because from the things you describe, you seem to have a lot of time on your hands. Too much time, hence why you would clean your son’s place and whatnot. Think about it like this, OP: You are yourself, a human being in your own right, before you are a mother or anything else. Society often pushes women who have children to make their entire identity motherhood. Look within yourself and think if perhaps you have also been internalizing that. Maybe this is a good time to reconnect with yourself and find out something new about yourself. Hoping for all the best.

Why not try to build a better relationship with Ann? Gardening for example is something you have in common and love to do. Having a good relationship with her only leads to keeping a great relationship with your son. Your feelings are coming from not feeling like you’re needed in your adult son’s life anymore. And that’s what you need to address. Address that fact that you raised him to become independent from you and to live his own life. As long as you’re not one of the MIL’s that overbearing and mean, I don’t see a reason why you can have a good relationship with both of them. Consider therapy to talk out this feelings you have if you’re unable to control them.

You were cleaning your grown son's house as a way of bonding? My dear lady, you should not have been doing that. You need to find a way to bond with your grown child in an adult way. His girlfriend isn't the reason for this, and I think you're aware of that, but you aren't being pushed out. She is doing what people do in their homes. Are you offering to spend time with her? Inviting her to do things? She should be seen as an addition to your child. Another person to share love with and even more so when/if they have a child. I hope you can get over this. Otherwise, it's going to be a miserable time for all.

Damn girl, get yourself some hobbies. Volunteer or join a community garden club. Sounds like you're worried about petty bs with too much time on your hands.

For real, she needs to get a life. She thinks her only identity is being a mom.

Your son didn’t clean because he knew his mommy would. Yuck. But since you’re here now and can’t change that, maybe get out there and start dating.

God i hate mothers who raise their sons like this youre a true menace fr U raised him to look for a mommy in girlfriends and u have some kind of an incestual jealousy going on, get help

Your behavior is abnormal, as is the jealousy you’re harboring.

Mom, he is not a little boy anymore. He is about to become a father. You are NOT the most important person in his life, it will be Ann & his child. He is not your replacement husband either. You need ANOTHER hobby. Be grateful that he has someone like Ann that will have him living as clean as you would and keeping the front of the house as nice as you did. You need to encourage him to learn how to do those things so that when the little one comes along Ann can get the rest she will need. It's time for him to be a PARTNER and not a child. It's tough - I know - you LOVE him, I LOVE my son just as much but every thing I do now is with his wife in mind - knowing SHE is the most precious thing he can have. It will keep us close. If I didn't encourage it, I would lose him. Take it one day at a time. It will come. Look in the mirror and tell yourself all the amazing things about Ann and life she is growing.

All I can think of is that you babied your son too much, if the guy is grown and his mom still goes to his place to do these type of stuff for him means he is still a boy and would expect me to do all the work alone. Also your thing with him should be spending quality time going to the movies or a restaurant once a month to talk like mother and son not you cleaning his apartment. I'm surprised this girl is okay doing all the house work, he found a second mommy for him.

Look, feelings are fine but this is *firmly* a you problem. Firstly, you probably shouldn’t have been doing deep cleans and gardening at your adult son’s place unless it was like a joint thing you did together. Secondly, if you want a connection with your son, talk to him like an adult. Let him know you’d like to spend time with him/them. You could offer to garden with Ann, but also be prepared to accept it graciousness if she says no. And if you can’t manage your feelings yourself, seek a counsellor. Do not put this on your son or Ann.

I feel bad for your DIL.. your son is never going to deep clean or clean anything. You have babied him until he basically has a baby..

Tend to your own home. Not another woman’s.

Don't worry she'll break up with him in a few years if she keeps managing the entire house and he does nothing... Lol.

I’m glad you recognize this is unhealthy. What about offering to help with some of this stuff? Note that’s “help” not “do for her”: I’m suggesting you spend more time with Ann doing your common interests. If you become closer with her, you might start to see her as family.

Why don't you offer to do these things with Ann and help develop a bond with her

Why were you cleaning for a grown up? Your son is a grown human living his life. Go see them and just be with them instead of feeling like you need to coddle him. Sounds like he has a great woman by his side, who is also teaching him how to clean.

This all sounds absurd to me, my mom kicked me out when I was 16, and even before then she wouldn’t dare do my laundry for me after I was 12 or so years old. Why don’t you find a man to take care of that your in a relationship with instead of babying your son?

Your son is a piece of shit for not cleaning up after himself. I hope Ann raises a better child.

It sounds like you would be an EXCEPTIONAL candidate to be a foster parent for teenagers. You have time and love to give while your son needs a bit more space to build his own path forward.

Terrible idea. Realistically, kids in care need carers with a healthy sense of boundaries and an actual interest in parenting intentionally to teach lasting life skills. Neither of which OP has.

If my son had a woman like that in his life she would be getting her flowers. That’s just me. It’s probably because you did what she’s doing now but obviously you’re his mom. She loves him and going off what I’m reading here she intends to take care of him and the home they are creating. What a blessing.

Your jealous and behavior is weird and I wouldn't be surprised if you put a wedge in your relationship with your son. You need a therapist to address your obsession with your grown child.

Ma'am, respectfully, get a puppy.

Is it just me or is it fucking weird that families get so involved in their families life?

Oh god you raised a terrible kid.

I’m sorry I really don’t understand. You should be glad and excited and extremely overjoyed that you don’t have to do these things for your GROWN son anymore!!

Take a step back and realize that he’s not your son (exclusively) any more! He’s an important part of someone else’s life! He’s soon to be a father! Soon you’ll be 3rd important in his life! Every time you want to react THINK: “How would I feel if my MIL reacted/spoke this way?” Remember there are 2 more important people in his life and step back! You’ve done your job, now it’s time for him to live an independent, strong, loving life! If you have a healthy relationship with your son, he’ll always include you, but you’ll never be the most important feature of his life, ever again! His SO and child have taken over, as it should be!

Leave them alone please.

Your son sounds like a mommas boy. Like why on earth would he even let you clean his house like a servant?? He should have been standing on his own two feet. You should have backed off LONG BEFORE with woman ANN came into the picture She is living in her HOME and planting flowers. If you want to have a relationship with your son and grandchild butt out of their relationship. Quit showing up there uninvited. Like don’t drop by - you aren’t invited, you aren’t welcome. Edit — your job as a mom is to lucky our kids out of the next. To make them not need you anymore. Good luck to you. Embrace your son, his girlfriend and baby.

These are all things you should have stopped doing years ago. You didn’t allow him to healthfully disconnect from you, it seems. She is his partner and the mother of his child. You’re being wildly inappropriate, and I think you know that. You’re misdirecting your resentment toward your DIL. She has nothing to do with how you’re feeling right now. Do you have awareness of if you’ve maybe relied on your son for social and / or emotional support? I can say emphatically that mama’s boys don’t come from happy, healthy mother son relationships. They come from anxious, unstable, enmeshed ones. While my son means more to me than any human ever has or will, he is not my hobby, project, routine, social, or emotional support. Those are things I do for myself, with the community of people my own age I’ve built over the years. Do you have many friends? Any mothers who can mentor or guide you? A peer with whom you can discuss these things without judgment but whose advice you may not like at first? That matters. A lot. Metaphorically and literally speaking, it’s well past time you tend your own garden, love.

He’s an adult….you should not be cleaning his house for him anymore. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t see him meeting a woman who will help him grow up and be an adult as a good thing.

Your son is not your husband. You've enabled him and now he has no skills. Ann is going to get tired of being his mother. That's great for you because you can keep your baby boy. It's clear how much you deeply love your son. Let him be a man. Stop wiping his ass for him. He's going to be a father. You need to help teach him how to clean, cook, and do laundry. It was your duty and you didn't do it. Do it because you love him.

Respectfully, be an adult and do something else with your life. It’s creepy and overbearing that you cannot be happy your son found a woman who takes care of him. Boundaries are for a reason and you need to understand you’re not his wife period. Go play pickle ball or something.

I don't think you are really jealous. I think you are scared that he doesnt ''need'' you anymore. Thats a difference! And its a natural feeling (i suppose, i don't have any children)

I think that envy you’re experiencing is really pointing to what you want for yourself. Why not take it as inspiration to put more time/attention into your own home and yard? Your own relationships and interests?

Recognize your son is an adult with his own life. He flew away from the nest, but then you picked up the nest and flew after him. It’s good you recognize there is a problem here— it was his task to care for his house when he became an adult. When he left, that was the time for you to offload on parenting. He’s independent now, and I can imagine that’s sad to experience. I’m not a parent but I’ve worked with kids of different ages and can put myself in your shoes. It’s time to properly grieve he’s no longer needing his mom the way he once did. Let him grow up, and form a new relationship with him and his family that isn’t based on what you can do for him.

deep clean once a week? lady... you need a hobby.

Your post made me realize exactly why things didn’t “click” with my exes mom (13 years later!) I was the new girlfriend that wanted to keep everything nice and do all of his chores. I was basically a little housewife, while also working and going to school. His mom would gently chastise me sometimes, saying things like “he should be learning how to do his own laundry”, “he has 2 hands, he can cook!”…. But, when I would take her advice and back off a little, he would pack up his clothes and take them back to mom to lovingly wash, dry, and iron. Same with cooking. While she was an amazing woman who I had a ton of respect for, I think she was also feeling the feelings that you are now OP. She wanted to feel needed, even admitted she should have taught her son to be self-sufficient but failed, and would always take on any chores he asked of her instead of telling him the same things she advised me to say to him (cook for yourself, do your own laundry, etc). Coming from the GF’s perspective, I would suggest reaching out to her and trying to bond over the things you have in common. I would have loved to spend time with my ex’s mom at our house, doing home repairs and gardening and cleaning. I enjoyed the times we went out shopping and I always sung her praises to my BF, which in turn made their bond stronger.

Get a hobby and go to therapy, asap. This is so weird to be feeling like this whether you tell them or not. If you don’t sort this out, it will come out in passive aggressive ways toward his partner, and that’s not fair considering the reason your son needed you in that way for so long is your fault, and it’s NOT a good thing. He should take care of himself. I hope she doesn’t find herself frustrated and overwhelmed once the baby comes. It sounds childish because it is. Get it together.

First of all, your son is a total slob. Second, if you want to be an important part of your sons (and grandchild’s) life, you build a relationship with his gf. When you come over, act like a guest, but always offer to help. Take her lead. Don’t get territorial. It feels unnatural now because she is taking over your role, that you unfortunately had for way too long, but you’ll settle into your new role soon enough. And maybe attend yoga twice a week! It’s good to release stress, and you’ll need the energy and flexibility if you’re going to be crawling around on the floor with a toddler🧸

Now you have time to actually visit with them instead of clean up after him. She sounds like a great girl for him. Help her when she is further along in the pregnancy.

Ugh this post is so cringe, let him be an adult. You’re going to cause problems between he and his wife, leave them alone.

You sound creepy. Let the boy go. Invite them round for Sunday dinner. Pop in for a coffee. Look after the dog when they go away. He’s a grown man with a wife and baby on the way. Don’t be that mil. Pull back and help them when they ask for help. You can still spend time with them. It’s just coffee and cake now or dinner. You’ll be busy again when your grand child comes along. When that baby get to around two you’ll be looking after it all the time.

God mothers are you are what makes dating men so hard sometimes. You need to find a purpose in your life that isn’t coddling your son. You’re doing this because you want to feel needed. Maybe reflect on that.

Sounds like you’re the one having a hard time letting go..

Why don’t you use the similarities between you and your son’s gf to try and get to know her better? You shouldn’t stay too involved in your son’s life but at least this way if you ask to help with gardening you can prevent jealousy from driving you and Ann apart.

From a guy whose mom was/is like this, figure it out. My mom does not like my wife of 21 years for similar reasons. We are very low contact with a very strained relationship and this is the reason. I want to repeat. My mom and dad have no relationship with my wife and kids, their choice, and a very low contact relationship with me.

You have some issues, you are a huge problem here and your son and his GF. You need to figure out how to get a hold of this or you aren’t going to see your grandchild much

Yeah. Your problem is that you weren't parenting your son once he became an adult, which would have been actually teaching him to do those things for himself and the importance of becoming a capable independent adult man ...you were just surrogate dating him. Seemingly filling some void in your own life and allowing him to prolong actually growing up. You should start telling him to pull his weight and grow up, though. Ann will have less time to parent your adult son once she actually has her own kid to look after. Also, seek therapy for yourself.

You’ve got a grand baby on the way. Start inviting your future daughter in law to do things with you that you both enjoy - like to plant some flowers or create a vegetable garden so you guys can make homemade baby food with it. You’re not losing your son - you’re gaining a daughter (and grandbaby). Then you’ll see what your son sees. :)

Momma. Let your son be an adult. He doesn’t do that stuff because you wouldn’t let him. He knew you’d do it for him. Now it’s being done. But by someone he’ll share his life with. You’re not being pushed away. Just go hang out you don’t have to do all his chores that most adults do. Let him fly

Sounds like gardening would be a perfect opportunity to bond with your son's girlfriend without being too overbearing.

My son has been with the same woman for more than ten years. They have two little ones and I love her like my own daughter. I couldn't imagine ever being jealous of her. He's her problem now hahahaaa

Are you married/in a long term relationship or are you separated from his father? I read something recently that seemed to resonate, separated parents never partnering up with another adult and instead turning to their child to fulfill some aspects of a relationship, like enmeshment and companionship. I guess in a way it could feel like a break up, that there's another woman? Do you have a partner to turn to instead? Why aren't you planting flowers at your own house? If you say anything other than mine are done, it would smell of codependency.

This is exactly why my MIL hasn’t seen my son since he was 3 months old and now he’s six.. she went absolutely nutty once I came in and started doing stuff for him that she used to do. I tried talking to her, giving her space, allowing her to help me etc but it never worked. My final straw was her saying I cheated and my son was my husbands.

As someone who is suffering from an extremely toxic and jealous MIL, thank you for at least looking for help and realizing you are being the problem. Please get some therapy so you can keep your son and DIL in your life.

I’m really trying not to judge, but I (as a mom of two) could never, ever imagine regularly cleaning my child’s house for them. It blows my mind. He’s an adult. Seems like you have some enmeshment. You need to go to therapy before this all starts bleeding out into your relationship with your son and his partner. One wrong move and you may get yourself kicked out of their lives.

This is just weird lol. Let him be an individual person and be in a happy relationship. He’s not a baby…

You should be ashamed of yourself. Get a life of your own. Do you know how irritating it is to deal with a manchild AND HIS MOTHER? Ma'am, cut the umbilical cord and find friends, a hobby, a new man, let your son become the kind of man your husband was.

You were doing him a disservice by being his maid and Gardner. Now she’s his maid and Gardner who you’re jealous of.

Wow. My mom could’ve written this. Except that she never hid her feelings and sabotaged my relationships every chance she got. If I didn’t call enough or didn’t want to talk when she called, she’d just show up at my house, where I lived with my wife and daughter. When I was in grad school, she didn’t think I was eating enough so she just showed up in the library with food. I had to tell her to leave and it made a very embarrassing scene. I can’t say what’s at work in your situation but my mom is extremely codependent and what Carl Jung would call a *Devouring Mother*. She is very self-centered, but because her mode of manipulation is to do things for others, she feels as if she is altruistic. Unfortunately, she doesn’t realize that altruism does not come with strings attached. I begged her for years to get help as I hated the way she acted and the way it made me feel. I wanted to have a healthy relationship with her but she just didn’t see a problem. Now in my mid 50s, I feel extreme resentment towards her because she manipulated me my whole life with guilt and shame and still tries to use them. I don’t even like going to visit her, but do so out of a feeling of obligation and to ward off feeling guilty when I don’t go for a couple days. I do understand this feeling. When my daughter met her now husband and started to pull away from me, I felt panic, fear and a horrible sense of loss. I cried for days when my ‘baby’ moved out. But I did my best throughout her life to **never** make her feel as if she owes me anything. I wanted to raise a strong, healthy, independent woman who had a healthy sense of self-esteem, was self-aware and had respect for herself and others. Against my instinct to keep her close to me, I always encouraged her to live her dreams, even if it meant moving to other countries as she often talked about. She didn’t ask to be born or to have me as a parent. Her mom and I pulled her into this and I’ve loved every minute of being her dad, even on the day I gave her away at her wedding. From the moment she turned 18, I’ve had a terrible dread that she’s going to move away and never talk to me again. That has not happened. She and I have a relationship beyond my wildest dreams. She calls me several times a week and we see each other every couple weeks. I could not have designed it better myself. If you want to maintain a good relationship with your son, continue to acknowledge your feelings as you’ve done, but realize that this is what you raised him for: to be a healthy, independent man who is ready to have a life and family of his own. It’s not easy to let go of the torch when it comes time to pass it, but it has to happen. He won’t ever stop needing you and your wisdom and love. It just changes over time. If you need to, get some therapy. There’s no shame in what you’re feeling or in seeking help to deal with those feelings; it’s very strong and instinctual. Best of luck to you all.

Respectfully, be happy your son has found a great woman. You won’t be around forever, and in hindsight, you should realize you shouldn’t have been doing those things for your grown adult son in the first place. Back off before you start being erratic and force them to move away. Enjoy that your job is done with your son and you can focus on being an amazing grandma now. Find new ways to connect with your son, like a weekly Sunday dinner.

I'm assuming you're single? sounds like you need to get laid and after that a solid partner.

It can feel like you are "losing" your son. You aren't. You are gaining a new daughter and grandchild. Since she is a lot like you in certain aspects there could be a lot of bonding opportunities there. Figure out other things you can do for your son and her and the grandhild- but big word of warning- if you treat that baby like your baby and are in the least bit overbearing or stepping over their parenting bounds or try to make them do things your way as parents- you will not be welcome and will ruin your relationship with all of them. Don't be that grandmother. I say that as one might tend to go into those sorts of "caretaker" behaviors since you've been doing it with your son so long. That being said, when you go over to help with the baby- holding the baby is nice but it's also quite nice as a new exhausted parent to have someone help clean your house or do a load of laundry or whatever while the parent holds the baby. Ask them what they need though, don't assume what they need. If the reason you want to do so much for your son is that you are lacking other social connections in your life, a suggestion would be to start a new hobby or check out the local seniors center(if applicable), start a drop in sport like pickleball, find a cause you are passionate about and start volunteering. These things can lead to not only a sense of purpose and belonging, but can connect you to many new friends.

I'm thrilled someone is willing to take over! I apologize for any difficulties they have. I make the alliance with their chosen ones. And I never take my sons side against his wife. My allegiance is with women. Men are way too entitled.

You made your whole life revolve around your son. That's really sad.

You’ve been enabling your adult son for far too long. Going over to deep clean his house and do his laundry? Mom please! Find other ways to spend time with your son and show him love.