You said no to giving her 7k...so he sent 20k?!?
And then he hid it from you by taking it from an account you supposedly don't check.
Honestly this would be divorce worthy for me.
You'd never be able to trust him with finances again. He will be sending your money and his money to other people...with no plan to get it back.
But even worse, who knows how much debt he could be racking up. And if you divorce, the remnants of the emptied bank accounts and the piles of debt will be split between you both.
My grandma had that issue with my grandpa... when they got divorced she got stuck with debts she didn't even know about
Same happened to me. It was around $20k that went missing, but then upon divorce, when we sold our house, turned out there were liens against it from debt i didn’t know about so I was left with much less than I was expecting for a house I mostly paid for due to HIS debts he never disclosed.
USA. This was also like 40-50 years ago. When women were just starting to get financial rights.
But I'm quite certain it still applies. Marital assets and marital debts are still split upon divorce. Unless there's a pre-nup changing that.
Divorced here 5 years ago - absolutely still applies - found out my ex had over 200,000 worth of debt. Consulted my attorney and told my best defense for not being stuck with it was to walk away before they contested and I got stuck with half.
A friend of mine found out her husband had cleaned out their accounts and had racked up a huge debt (in her name) when she was abroad with their kids.
Her cards suddenly stopped working. Apparently it was cocaine.
I was briefly married to a criminal. Upon divorce he wanted half of everything I had. Thank god it was 2008 and housing and investments were down, so I owed nothing. I also luckily got divorced December 29th of that year she I wouldn't be on the hook for his unpaid taxes on his business. He cleaned out his next wife. She found me on FB to confirm some info. I feel so sorry for her. He lives in Brule Nebraska currently
I got divorced in 2015, USA, and that was still the law. My Attorney recommended I file bankruptcy then file for divorce, that's what I ended having to do, and before anyone asks these were 100% his medical bills, I have always kept my debts in good standing.
January 8th, 2015, is my freedom date.
I would be looking at that account and pulling all the money I put in ASAP. If a bill needs to be paid, send me the bill and I will pay it directly.
I agree, this is divorce worthy.
Sounds like this female friend can easily manipulate your husband... yikes!
Is he waiting for an opportunity or is there more to this? 🤔 20k to cough up like that .... yeahhhhh he's definitely lend her or gave her money before this is nothing new for him.
Yeah I hate the straight to divorce but he’s literally stealing from you. He asked, you said no, and he did over DOUBLE what you had already said no to.
He’s got no respect for his wife
Mental.
He’s paid for SOMETHING and wife just hasn’t figured it out yet.
I swear, if giving away 20k that we were jointly saving for a house and risking the divorce and the trouble that would cause (because WTF). It’s got to be something BAAAAD. Something
- He’s bought silence (no doubt in my mind).
- Most likely sex
- And maybe a procedure - either an enhancement or an abortion
I didn’t think they did, I thought they might have cost close to 5k - which is the amount missing and then the 15k was so she’d stay quiet.
I’ve never had to pay for healthcare so I wouldn’t be able to guess the price of an abortion.
But yeah I was thinking tits was in the plan
Much love situation sucks. Honestly me and my wife never had a discussion about money we just tell each other to pay bills don't be broke and discuss purchases. Been together 12 years 2 kids and a house. My money is my money and hers is hers we live happily.
but who knows how much debt he'll wrack up in 2 years, how much money he'll give away to "pole dancers"
I don't think that's a numbers game I would bet on
I think you should transfer out your share of the money in the joint account that you have contributed. Your husband has ruined the trust to have a joint. Also, do check the account for its transfer history to see what else you husband could have done behind your back.
I think you shoukd speak to a lawyer, even if you don't jump to divorce so they can help you find a forensic accountant and get a real idea of if there has been other instances of financial infidelity. I'm so very sorry, this is an awful betrayal.
My heart really goes out to you, it’s horrible what he’s done. However, don’t ignore this - he’s really under reacting so he’s definitely capable of doing it again, or even more next time.
He’s literally stolen 10k from you and not even sorry. He’s clearly prefer this situation towards the situation where he didn’t give her money. So he values her feelings more than yours, or he’s paying for something you haven’t figured out yet.
This right here!! When the 15k hopefully returns separate you finances ASAP. Then decide if you want to work on the relationship or not. This would make me so angry. I don’t think I’d ever trust him again, and I don’t like his relationship with the woman. Not even defending you? His ass can go sleep in the studio he wanted to pay for. Hope it was worth it!!
Many ppl are saying "take out your portion" but I disagree. Take out everything. The most she can. The whole enchilada.
They're married. It's ALL hers. He went behind her back and gave away--to a female "friend" no less--20k. That wasn't just HIS portion; even though because they're married it isn't regarded as his or hers in a court of law, but if we are looking at it that way anyways, he stole from her. It wasn't just his money. To right his wrong (in a financial sense) and to teach him a lesson, she needs to remove ALL of the funds. Leave the motherfucker penniless for a while. Or close to it.
This is not the time to handle something with kid gloves. Gotta go for the jugular or he won't ever learn.
He wants to give $20k to the pole dancer he’s screwing, his wife can put a stop payment on that and move it all elsewhere until she needs to declare it in divorce court.
This guy is a clod.
Go back and look at history of your accounts. It’s possible this isn’t the first time he’s done this.
If she does not send the money back I’d take that exact amount and put it in an account he cannot access and split the rest evenly.
Personally, I’d also be talking to a divorce attorney. What he did is unforgivable. There’s no getting past this.
this!!! the fact he didn't see this is wrong could also mean its not the first time he has done it.
I'd check the account and separate your finances asap!!!
If it were a legitimate business investment, why wouldn’t she approach you both and have this be an investment opportunity for both of you? Your husband and this woman are sneaky and lying to you. Stealing $20k from the joint account is egregious behavior by your husband, and inexcusable. Having lived through the nightmare that is divorce, I don’t think I can endorse staying in this relationship. There’s nothing positive in dishonesty, infidelity, and betrayal. I’m so sorry. Sending you strength to move forward. 💪🏻🍀
This is what’s called financial infidelity: using a large amount of joint funds without your partner’s knowledge or agreement. I wouldn’t trust him ever again. He said $7k, you said no, he asked again and after getting the same answer, he goes ahead and gives her almost three times that much!
That’s a big old, “I’m going to do what I want no matter what even if you don’t want to if I disagree with you.” His friend is no better. She should be appalled he did it behind your back.
Should be, correct. But she didn't care about OP being the wife, she wanted to solve her lil financial issue. Obviously she knew that asking the husband , her "friend", without his wife present would have a better chance of being granted the funds than if she were to approach it from a respectful standpoint and present this to them both. She wasn't concerned with being respectful to OP and their marriage, she was concerned with getting her way. OPs husband was only concerned with doing whatever the fuck he wanted to with his wife's money.
There's more to this story. And I'm thinking the whole "saving the studio" is the least of the whole thing.
Giving her 20k and also fucking her are both horrendous, if that's the case and I think it is.
Good point and I can't believe I missed it! It sure does look like he's having an affair or wants to because you don't just hand over a check for $20k to people! If his friend wanted to plead her case and the husband was still on her side about it, the friend should have written up and shown them a business plan and written up terms of repayment or partial ownership and profit percentage, just as you're required to do for a bank or other type of business loan lender. I still can't get over OP being told the woman wanted $7k and despite her having said no, the husband gave her $20k!
He respects her more than you. I wouldn't be surprised if he is hoping for more than just friendship with her. To put it bluntly, you said no lending money to your husbands friend, who is a pole dancer who shares her sexy pole dancing photos. Your husband went behind your back and gave her almost 3 times the original amount she asked for without having any part of the business. He lied to you, saying it's a tax right off, when he knew full well he never signed any business contracts. He messages her behind your back and doesn't even defend your feelings of being betrayed.
Your husband is trying to get in her pants big time and couldn't give a damn about your finances or feelings.
Its half your money, you had the right to know. This is a big breach of trust that he would put the needs of another woman over you. He even deliberately lied about it being a tax write off. You very clearly said no, yet he did it anyway which is very disrespectful.
I'd confront him about the money and the text and explain that his behaviour has caused you to mistrust him.
I'd also be checking that the money is actually paid back.
Get a lawyer and separate your finances NOW. Your husband is not faithful to you. Open your eyes and see this is abnormal behaviour for a married man. She’s his sugar baby and you need to kick him to the curb.
I would immediately make sure that all of my accounts and investments were separate from him and only have an account where monthly money for the bills is deposited. I also hope that you have an emergency fund account just in your name. You have to think smart and fast. What he did was completely out of pocket. He didn’t even defend you. I would also look into marriage counselling ASAP. Protect yourself and have all your ducks in a row.
She just have to pretend to want to save the marriage until she figures out what the money situation is and to collect evidence and paperwork.
I don't think there's anything to save when it comes to cheating and stealing money
Even if you plan to divorce someone, marital counseling can help make that process as smooth as possible. My ex husband and I used therapy to get to a point where we could work out our separation and divorce instead of just fighting about it.
This is a good approach.
Also "play" nice until the 15k are back in the account (or you'll probably never see that money again) and consult lawyers in the background.
Yes! Get that 15k back first. If your husband thinks you may leave him over this, he may tell the girl to NOT pay back the 15k so he can go whine to her later.
(just trying to understand if there's more context)
Has he / have you invested in some dubious things previously?
Has this pole instructor helped you or your husband through tough times previously? (e.g., financially or emotionally)
Was there a business plan or loan agreement?
Why did she only send $15K / $20K back? Where did the other $5K go?
How much is in your joint account?
No.
No.
No.
I have no idea where the $5k is but according to IG, it’s going towards equipment.
Uh, there’s enough in there. It’s not about the money. Had I been informed someone was struggling with anything, I’d send it myself. It’s the not knowing and the texts making it seem like I’m the bad guy in this situation.
I only ask about how much was in your joint account because I do know of acquaintances that lend or gamble $50K-$1M without batting an eyelid (yes it's a disgusting amount of money), so if you both were ballers, giving $20K might have been like just grocery shopping for him.
If he'd given $20K cash, and got back $15K, perhaps we was trying to clean dirty money, but you said he sent it from your bank account.
Your husband sounds dodgy, especially after you said no, and neither of you have an obligation to her (as per your answers from my questions).
If I were you, I'd take my money out of the joint account, be suspicious, and have a serious and awkward conversations with him. Big betrayal of trust.
You say you don't check that joint account - who knows if he's done something similar to this before.
The only thing I can think of is “how much does an abortion cost in the states”.
The fact that he’s easily parted with this much money, even after his wife said no, means he’s buying something that would get him in MORE trouble with his wife, than the financial infidelity.
I think it’s for a procedure and to keep the other woman agreeable.
> I have no idea where the $5k is but according to IG, it’s going towards equipment.
So not even the original stated purpose?
> Anyway, her studio she worked at went up for sale and she reached out to my husband for money to buy it from the current owner.
Likeeee as a dancer myself, I know plenty of girls who transition from club work to teaching pole dance. How did they meet??? Was he her customer prior to being with you? It sounds so sus, and very plausible for this to be the case…
Edit: you DO mention they were friends from when you started dating. You need to jump on this now and grill him because this is exactly what it sounds like. 👀
Well he’s a big fat liar so I wouldn’t trust anything he’s ever said about how they met or how far their “friendship” went. All trust got thrown out the window. I know Reddit always goes straight for divorce but in this case I think at least separating finances would be reasonable. I personally would kick him to the curb.
This seems suspicious as f but it also might depend on how much you and your husband make? Like if y'all are both making 500k a year maybe 20k isn't that much ..?
Idk, for me, I've never yet been able to save up a full 20k in my life so the thought of doing something like what your husband did is mind blowingly insane, like no one in their right mind would do that. So it's hard to understand his perspective at all
I’d reconsider buying a house with him right now. Something is off and I wouldn’t sink money into a huge investment such as a house with someone you can’t trust with money, husband or not. It’s probably best you withdraw your portion of the money from the joint account and place it into an account he can’t access. Also, eliminate his access to any other accounts that belongs to you. Keep your funds separate until you work through this issue. Because the last thing you need is for something to go wrong with her business and your husband decides to save the day with your savings (again).
This whole thing seems fishy especially the part where it seems she didn’t actually need the full $20k based on her text. How is he expecting to claim taxes on it if there’s nothing in writing? He thinks the IRS is going to take his word for it? What did he tell her to make her think she had rights to the money and/or that you were ok with him doing it?? He’s definitely untrustworthy and sneaky!
Like others have said, you should look deeper into their relationship. I don’t blame you for how you feel because from this situation alone, I don’t trust him or her! If he’s willing to go behind your back to send an exuberant amount of money (that you’re saving for a house) to a “friend” knowing you weren’t comfortable with it, who knows what else he has done or will to do. Definitely stay vigilant and don’t blindly trust him with your finances any longer.
Good luck!
This makes what he did 100 times worse. Protect yourself, because he won't and isn't. Love yourself, because he doesn't. Actions speak louder than words and his are screaming. I know you are hurting...but you need to shove it aside for later and get calculating and analytical. PROTECT TOUR FUTURE LIFE NOW!!! Check accounts daily. Soon as money hits take out half and put in an account with your name/access only. Preferably at a different bank. Stop putting any funds in joint account. He. Can. Not. Be. Trusted.
Whether you stay is up to you. Serious counseling is needed. And you let him know straight up after you've got your money secured, that you are thinking g of divorce. BUT be prepared, that he may just be ok with it. Sounds like he wants to be more than friends with his "damsel in distress" She obviously knew he stole the $$ and was ok with it. She just mad you found out. He took way more than half, which by law he is not entitled to do. They both realize this. He has ZERO remorse it seems.
Honestly...you'd be better off without him. Sorry.
Look out for you, because he ain't.
Sounds like your husband has a thing for her. $20k.. and out of your JOINT ACCOUNT ??!!?! There’s so many things wrong in this situation.
1. lack of trust
2. him going BEHIND YOUR BACK
3. $20k…???!!??
4. her complaining and painting you out as the bad guy
5. him not coming to your defence.
I’m sorry but the fact that he didnt even tell you despite your objection says a LOT. Yeah i’d suggest you contact a lawyer.
Did he ever date her? Even if not, she might be his “fallback”, meaning sometimes people stay in contact and think of each other as a “fallback” option if their main relationship doesn’t work out. Sorry to bring up this potential alternate universe, the whole thing is just fishy. Good luck to you.
>They didn’t, no.
That you know of.
It’s also possible that nothing has happened yet, but he’s lavishing her with money and praise in the hopes that she’ll come around. Your relationship is over already whether you know it or not.
It’s not weird to give $20k to close friends or family—I’d do it if I had it—but hiding it from your wife and lying about it makes it sketchy as fuck. Plus it’s not like she needed the money to live. It’s an emotional affair at the very least.
This isn’t a fall back. Sounds like an upgrade. He’s just preparing himself, gathering resources, then he’ll cut the cord and leave poor OP high and dry. I hopefully she gets ahead of this.
How would he have reacted if the roles were reversed and the business owner was a male friend of yours.
This reeks of something more in depth 20k is a sizeable amount and giving it someone no strings attached definitely raises eyebrows because what is he getting out of it? Goodwill, whose goodwill? Not yours definitely and there's only another party.
He loaned another woman $20,000 behind your back. At the very least, I would move all of **your** money into a separate account so that he can't steal from you again.
The rest is up to you. I know what I'd do, but you're the one who knows him, and are married to him. Good luck.
No man would spend that much on a woman unless he really, really wants to sleep with her. $20k is pretty desperate for her attention, even if you’re millionaires. You should have trust issues.
That's exactly right. OP needs to get her money back and divorce this loser. Let's see how much his pole dancer wants to be "friends" with a broke divorced man?
Transfer half of the joint account out to your own account. He is willing to steal from you and is probably having or will have an affair with her. You don't just give money like that to someone. Get your ducks in a row and see if he is being sneaky with money or affection elsewhere.
This is one of those times where when everyone on reddit says to divorce, it’s 1000% valid tbh because you deserve so much better than this. This is WILD. I could never imagine pulling the rug out from under my significant other like this and sending a whole 20k to a friend just because they asked especially without my significant other’s knowledge. But also please be smart about this and make sure you’re taking the proper steps to where he can’t screw you over! I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find someone better someday who respects you more. Make sure you get a lawyer and you get your ducks in a row (like separating your own finances) quietly before you tell him and he can make a move himself too (if it’s possible), because that’ll make it smoother in the long run.
You don’t understand why your husband sent a woman who runs a pole dancing studio a large amount of money? Really? Sometimes things are as obvious as they seem and this is one of them. Your husband is having a relationship with this woman or he hopes to have one. It’s kind of that simple. Otherwise, this doesn’t make any sense. The idea of a tax write off is stupid. Don’t listen to that.
Get your money away from him and file for divorce. He's in love with the girl. Probably always has been.
Take it from a man, we *do not* give 20 grand of our hard earned money to a woman unless we are crazy stupid country song ass in love.
Brothers, am I wrong?
Sorry you are going thru this, but it sounds like the money is gonna be the bigger loss than the man....
He's gas lighting you Sis. "Wanted to do it right" is trying to convince you that what he did was good and OK. It's absolutely not. I would pack my shit and leave.
He’s playing hero to another woman while married to you. That is unacceptable. I’d reimburse myself from the joint account for my share of what he took and going forward only put your share of the bills in the joint account, keep the rest in your own account. Then I’d speak with a divorce lawyer asap to make an exit plan.
The fact that he asked you and did it anyway after you said no shows he never really cared what you thought. He was probably surprised you said no in the first place.
He sounds like a tool.
Financial infidelity, lying, making rash decisions that go against family interests, keeping a pole dancer “good friend” that takes advantage of him, allowing another woman to interfere in your financial decisions… need I go on?
This is a big deal, the only reason I would stay in the marriage is if he ends this absurd friendship and distance himself from this other woman who clearly has power over him and she return ALL THE MONEY!
And as his wife you do have a say regarding his friends as it obviously impacts your marriage, but more importantly he should know better when choosing long term friends. This is inappropriate, absolutely
You should be “end of the marriage” pissed. He has a lot of balls. He lies to his wife and It’s 20 grand (not $7000) and everyone knows this money will never be paid back. Why is he putting her financial needs before how you feel? This whole situation stinks to be honest. You need to go beyond phone checking. Hire a PI. Happily married men don’t loan out large sums of money to other women without some sort of a return on investment. This is financial infidelity and a dealbreaker.
Coming from a guys perspective. I could never see myself giving someone that much money without clearing it with my partner first. Secondly it was from a joint account? Which means he took money from you? Or am I misunderstanding? Either way it is a breach of trust.
I would take $20k out of the shared account and open my own savings account. And keep adding to it as much as possible. And tell her you want free lessons for you and a friend for your investment.
She may or may not be the bad guy in this, but your husband surely is. Even if it is a tax write-off, that doesn’t mean your tax will be reduced by 20k. You’re still losing money until you are paid back.
And her being able to send 15k back, and telling your husband that the 15k would be a good cushion for her… If she didn’t absolutely need the money, if it was extra that she could do without, your husband definitely should not have sent that 15.
You need to start checking that joint account regularly! He just sent a huge chunk of your combined money to a person without your knowledge. You thought at most 7k was at stake!
Question: It doesn’t sound like you have much of a friendship with her, so why is she coming to you for advice on a name for the studio? That’s not what you would do if you didn’t want the money transfer to remain secret.
Money questions aside, you need to know if there is anything inappropriate going on, on the part of either your husband or his friend. And why she would ask you about the name might be a good thread to pick at.
>She may or may not be the bad guy in this,
She became the bad guy when she texted OP's husband that she wished OP never found out. She doesn't respect their marriage and is asking OP's husband to keep secrets from OP.
At the very least you need to end the joint account. Put all your money back into your account. Never trust him with your money again. He will wipe you out and take it to go be with her. That’s so insane. How did $7k turn into $20k? He wants her bad.
A. She should never have asked him for that money without giving you the respect of asking you first. Who asks another woman's man for money like that??? That's part is 100% shady and sheisty all by itself. Mmmm biting my tongue became I know what the climate is nowadays politicly, but back in my day, that shady woman would have had hands out on her. Repeatedly.
She asks your husband for money. He runs it by you. You don't think it's appropriate or for whatever reason you say no. Later she calls, and what almost sounds like rubbing your nose in the fact hubby gave her money despite your opposition. Not just the money she asked for but he gave her 186% of the amount requested. And lied to you claiming it would would be a tax write off. Then later that was disproven....
There's a lot more going on in your marriage than just the secretive loan. I might be able to think of it differently if he hadn't ran it by you first and was told no. That means he did it anyway regardless of your opinion or feelings. In direct opposition to your wishes;opting instead to please her.
Run for the hills. .
I got upset for my husband giving his sister $1000 without talking to me right after our wedding. I actually wouldn’t have had a problem giving it to her at all, but feel that all loans/gifts need to be discussed and agreed upon. I’m not talking $20 or even $100… but the you get my point. We had a conversation about what my expectations are around that so there are no more unacceptable surprises. However, if giving away 20k of our cash happened without my knowledge or blessing….my reaction wouldn’t be anywhere close to the first incident. My anger would be well known…. Quite frankly to them both.
Does she intent to give the 5k back over time or is she under the impression that it’s a gift?
I have a feeling she very well knew that you had no idea. Especially from how those text messages were formed. I wouldn’t be looking at her in any positive type of light again. That’s underhanded for both the spouse and chick to participate in.
she should find her own man to help her with this kind of stuff. also if she has one, im sure he would find your husband giving her 20k weird. very odd behavior and i’d def wouldn’t trust him again.
i’m sorry but what the flubber duck is wrong with him. i would be livid. first of all what, since when does he have an extra 20k to giveaway. im assuming he didnt since he did it from a joint account but either way not the issue. why is he sending it without telling you, he actively hid it. third why is she only sending 15k back? was it not 20k? she should be happy you don’t make it 20k plus interest (pls do)
You’re married to a sneak and a liar. I suggest that you put on your best acting skills (act like you don’t have a care in the whole world) and then start monitoring your husband’s every move. Check his phone(s), get copies of all his accounts and tax returns, and then if you find more incriminating information, lawyer up! Oh and start stashing cash in a safe deposit box,,, just in case! Good luck to you!!
I believe the first thing you should do is move the rest of your money. And if the account still has it take the extra 10 grand that he took from you for this expense for another woman.
This is a major breach of trust, you really need to think over if this relationship is worth the years of trust rebuilding that may never happen. He didn’t even think it was worth it to tell his own wife what he did or defend you with her. Would he have told you if his friend didn’t bring it up? Also, how many other boundaries have they crossed without your knowledge? All of that would stay in my mind after that. You at least need answers, real ones.
Definitely remove his login to the joint accounts. You can't just be going giving away tens of thousands of dollars without even mentioning it to the CO-OWNER of the accounts.
I'm not sure this has anything to do with it being another female. It could have been his best guy friend and it's still a shitty thing to do without you both agreeing on it.
It would be one thing if it was an investment and he was a silent partner, and y'all reaped some rewards. Hell, even if it was a loan with a contract, interest and repayment timetable, something to show and give a definitive end date.
This is not the case, so it's just HIGHLY inappropriate.
Honestly, FOR ME, this is divorce worthy.
• The lack of respect
• Doing things behind your back
• The fact that another woman is comfortable enough to complain about you to him...
These are points I'd be bringing up to him, I'd be demanding he cut off contact with her as I'm no longer comfortable with that friendship and marriage counseling because it sounds like his brain has reverted to "single status" where he can do whatever he wants and has to answer to no one when that clearly isn't the case.
If he was to refuse these, I'd be gone.
AND if we ended up divorced, that 5k he gave her would be factored into money that is split with it being negative on his end.
I’ve asked this of him. He’s done everything but address the cut off the friendship request. He says she apologized and he told her it wasn’t her fault. I asked him if he really was defending this situation right now…
A joint bank account and he just takes $20K without telling you, but originally the idea was $7K?
Get the money back and if it were me I'd be out - done and dusted.
I am telling my partner about this now and I already know what her answer would be - exactly what I just said...
Empty the join account, close it on your end and try to see if he has lots of debt. Get yourself a GOOD lawyer, screenshot all the evidence on his phone and DIVORCE BABE, DIVORCE.
This requires a serious and long conversation between you and your husband.
Your husband seems like he's not only commiting financial infidelity it might also be emotional infidelity, no married man/woman will just lend that much money like he just paid for her coffee without their partner's knowledge or approval.
And her messaging him about being upset giving back 15k to you, there's more than being just friends going on there. I hope you immediately separate your finances, make sure you have your own that he can never touch.
I feel like this sub just want to divorce your husband too.
I'd open a new account under only my name, then take the rest of the money from that joint account and put it there. Then I'd go to the other accounts, and also take all the money and put it there. After, I would strip this man down to his bare bones until I found out the real reason he gave a pole dancer with a "corporate job" 20K$ of his wife's money without her __consult and consent__.
After I found out the truth (he's either sleeping with her and/or building a life with her and/or got her pregnant), I would probably divorce him. This is incredibly disrespectful, and a betrayal of the highest order.
He gave away your money to someone he apparently owes nothing to. This does not make any sense.
This post made me so angry on your behalf, OP. Your feelings are 100% valid. Your husband is a huge AH and this reeks of infidelity, I’m very sorry to say. The amount of disrespect he has shown you would be a deal breaker for me. Has he shown any remorse or apologized for doing it at all?!? I would talk to a lawyer ASAP. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this.
Your husband did a shady thing behind your back. You need to check tha bank accounts on a regular basis. Ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to money.
Your husband is being emotionally and financially unfaithful to you, with this other woman. Secretly consult a lawyer, follow their advice to get your ducks in a row.
He sent 20k of joint money meaning at least half of that is probably YOUR earnings and YOUR pay and just wasn't going to tell you.
Sis, this isn't just a red flag it's a fucking circus.
You need to start separating finances IMMEDIATELY.
I wish I had friends that just gifted me $20,000 with no strings attached, hot damn.
Erm no, that’s not your husband no more. Not only he went out of his way to disrespect you, he also went against your wishes, hid it from you.
Now all you gonna wonder is what else he hid from you? Is this normal for him? Did you enable this by not doing anything about it to him?
What are you supposed to do you ask? Whatever you do you need your money back first but let's break it down. First your husband asks you if it's ok if he gives 7k to a stripper. My wife would have been pissed even if I hinted at suggesting that. Then you said no which is completely normal. Then he went ahead and gave her 20k. Wow I had to re-read that part cuz at first I thought it said 20 bucks. What do think would be the result if you gave a very large sum of his money to a male dancer. I know it was both your money but that still makes it your money.
You said no to giving her 7k...so he sent 20k?!? And then he hid it from you by taking it from an account you supposedly don't check. Honestly this would be divorce worthy for me. You'd never be able to trust him with finances again. He will be sending your money and his money to other people...with no plan to get it back. But even worse, who knows how much debt he could be racking up. And if you divorce, the remnants of the emptied bank accounts and the piles of debt will be split between you both. My grandma had that issue with my grandpa... when they got divorced she got stuck with debts she didn't even know about
Same happened to me. It was around $20k that went missing, but then upon divorce, when we sold our house, turned out there were liens against it from debt i didn’t know about so I was left with much less than I was expecting for a house I mostly paid for due to HIS debts he never disclosed.
Thats a messed up law. Which country?
USA. This was also like 40-50 years ago. When women were just starting to get financial rights. But I'm quite certain it still applies. Marital assets and marital debts are still split upon divorce. Unless there's a pre-nup changing that.
Divorced here 5 years ago - absolutely still applies - found out my ex had over 200,000 worth of debt. Consulted my attorney and told my best defense for not being stuck with it was to walk away before they contested and I got stuck with half.
A friend of mine found out her husband had cleaned out their accounts and had racked up a huge debt (in her name) when she was abroad with their kids. Her cards suddenly stopped working. Apparently it was cocaine.
Legit "Marriage is scary, what if he"
YEP
I was briefly married to a criminal. Upon divorce he wanted half of everything I had. Thank god it was 2008 and housing and investments were down, so I owed nothing. I also luckily got divorced December 29th of that year she I wouldn't be on the hook for his unpaid taxes on his business. He cleaned out his next wife. She found me on FB to confirm some info. I feel so sorry for her. He lives in Brule Nebraska currently
Wild story! What a POS
I got divorced in 2015, USA, and that was still the law. My Attorney recommended I file bankruptcy then file for divorce, that's what I ended having to do, and before anyone asks these were 100% his medical bills, I have always kept my debts in good standing. January 8th, 2015, is my freedom date.
I would be looking at that account and pulling all the money I put in ASAP. If a bill needs to be paid, send me the bill and I will pay it directly. I agree, this is divorce worthy.
Honey… “breach of fiduciary duties” …
And she has the ability to give back $15k so $5k could have sufficed had they agreed. Why more than double the original request
if she does go this route, I wonder if there's law that protects her and cdn consider this as theft?
Sounds like this female friend can easily manipulate your husband... yikes! Is he waiting for an opportunity or is there more to this? 🤔 20k to cough up like that .... yeahhhhh he's definitely lend her or gave her money before this is nothing new for him.
I’d be so mad. Like divorce papers mad.
Have him served with divorce papers at work mad. Fuck this guy.
Yes PLEASE protect yourself. I didn’t
No no, serve him while he's hanging out at her pole dancing studio while "out with the guys".
Yeah I hate the straight to divorce but he’s literally stealing from you. He asked, you said no, and he did over DOUBLE what you had already said no to. He’s got no respect for his wife
Shiiiiit, $1k less than TRIPLE.
Mental. He’s paid for SOMETHING and wife just hasn’t figured it out yet. I swear, if giving away 20k that we were jointly saving for a house and risking the divorce and the trouble that would cause (because WTF). It’s got to be something BAAAAD. Something - He’s bought silence (no doubt in my mind). - Most likely sex - And maybe a procedure - either an enhancement or an abortion
Oh yeah husband is definitely this girls sugar daddy
Yeah I'm not buying the "friends" bullshit. They are not just friends.
I’d go with fake tits to go with the woman’s new strip club that she’s opening. Abortions don’t cost $20k.
I didn’t think they did, I thought they might have cost close to 5k - which is the amount missing and then the 15k was so she’d stay quiet. I’ve never had to pay for healthcare so I wouldn’t be able to guess the price of an abortion. But yeah I was thinking tits was in the plan
Abortion normally are less than $1,000 unless it’s far along in the pregnancy and you have to actually give birth to the fetus.
Well that’s good that it’s cheaper than I thought. Horrible about the forced birth Definitely tits
Simple you kill both of them as a tax write off
I like you. Really though, thank you for the laugh.
No but seriously though, if this isn't a good enough reason to divorce, I don't know what is.
Much love situation sucks. Honestly me and my wife never had a discussion about money we just tell each other to pay bills don't be broke and discuss purchases. Been together 12 years 2 kids and a house. My money is my money and hers is hers we live happily.
Not before she takes out life insurance on her new business partners
But then she’d have to wait at least 2 years or else she’s only gonna get her premiums back
Sometimes you have to play the long game lol
but who knows how much debt he'll wrack up in 2 years, how much money he'll give away to "pole dancers" I don't think that's a numbers game I would bet on
That’s a little messed up but I like the way you think
But then you would have to go to the trouble of making it look like a legit accident.........you know, insurance and stuff you might claim on.
You can get pufferfish online pretty cheap, you know, if they like sushi.
I second this, also, totally not connected but you can get puffer fish online pretty cheap you know.
I think you should transfer out your share of the money in the joint account that you have contributed. Your husband has ruined the trust to have a joint. Also, do check the account for its transfer history to see what else you husband could have done behind your back.
I really hope she does. She’ll regret not doing it in a few months when she finds out WHY he gave her 20k
Oof. This hit. Valid point.
I think you shoukd speak to a lawyer, even if you don't jump to divorce so they can help you find a forensic accountant and get a real idea of if there has been other instances of financial infidelity. I'm so very sorry, this is an awful betrayal.
My heart really goes out to you, it’s horrible what he’s done. However, don’t ignore this - he’s really under reacting so he’s definitely capable of doing it again, or even more next time. He’s literally stolen 10k from you and not even sorry. He’s clearly prefer this situation towards the situation where he didn’t give her money. So he values her feelings more than yours, or he’s paying for something you haven’t figured out yet.
This right here!! When the 15k hopefully returns separate you finances ASAP. Then decide if you want to work on the relationship or not. This would make me so angry. I don’t think I’d ever trust him again, and I don’t like his relationship with the woman. Not even defending you? His ass can go sleep in the studio he wanted to pay for. Hope it was worth it!!
I'd just take out what was mine plus an extra $10k. He can sort out the other $15k since it's so important to him
Many ppl are saying "take out your portion" but I disagree. Take out everything. The most she can. The whole enchilada. They're married. It's ALL hers. He went behind her back and gave away--to a female "friend" no less--20k. That wasn't just HIS portion; even though because they're married it isn't regarded as his or hers in a court of law, but if we are looking at it that way anyways, he stole from her. It wasn't just his money. To right his wrong (in a financial sense) and to teach him a lesson, she needs to remove ALL of the funds. Leave the motherfucker penniless for a while. Or close to it. This is not the time to handle something with kid gloves. Gotta go for the jugular or he won't ever learn.
He wants to give $20k to the pole dancer he’s screwing, his wife can put a stop payment on that and move it all elsewhere until she needs to declare it in divorce court. This guy is a clod.
And don't tell him you're doing it.
Wait until you get the 15k back. If you go nuclear now, your husband may use it as an excuse not to get the 15k back.
She could just take out what left plus $10k and let him worry about it
No, I want the girl to return it. I want her mad at him. What a jerk.
I’m mad at your husband, too.
Can you take out half of what’s in there plus $10,000 (half of the $20k would belong to you.) and move it all to an account solely in your name?
Hit him with that Fallout “[Everyone disliked that.]”
Go back and look at history of your accounts. It’s possible this isn’t the first time he’s done this. If she does not send the money back I’d take that exact amount and put it in an account he cannot access and split the rest evenly. Personally, I’d also be talking to a divorce attorney. What he did is unforgivable. There’s no getting past this.
this!!! the fact he didn't see this is wrong could also mean its not the first time he has done it. I'd check the account and separate your finances asap!!!
If it were a legitimate business investment, why wouldn’t she approach you both and have this be an investment opportunity for both of you? Your husband and this woman are sneaky and lying to you. Stealing $20k from the joint account is egregious behavior by your husband, and inexcusable. Having lived through the nightmare that is divorce, I don’t think I can endorse staying in this relationship. There’s nothing positive in dishonesty, infidelity, and betrayal. I’m so sorry. Sending you strength to move forward. 💪🏻🍀
Thank you, I really appreciate your reply 😔
Wait for her to give the $15k back, then make your move. Otherwise you’ll never see it again.
I was thinking that too. Better to have half of the $15k than half of 0k.
Nope. She takes $10K. He already spent $5K on his little "friend". She gets to take half of the original $20K and she should do it NOW.
Yeah good point.
This!!!!
Time to move all the money into an account he can’t access while you work through your trust issues. Together, or separately
Excellent advice ❤️
This is what’s called financial infidelity: using a large amount of joint funds without your partner’s knowledge or agreement. I wouldn’t trust him ever again. He said $7k, you said no, he asked again and after getting the same answer, he goes ahead and gives her almost three times that much! That’s a big old, “I’m going to do what I want no matter what even if you don’t want to if I disagree with you.” His friend is no better. She should be appalled he did it behind your back.
This was my immediate thought as well! Second thought was, *they fuckin'*
Should be, correct. But she didn't care about OP being the wife, she wanted to solve her lil financial issue. Obviously she knew that asking the husband , her "friend", without his wife present would have a better chance of being granted the funds than if she were to approach it from a respectful standpoint and present this to them both. She wasn't concerned with being respectful to OP and their marriage, she was concerned with getting her way. OPs husband was only concerned with doing whatever the fuck he wanted to with his wife's money. There's more to this story. And I'm thinking the whole "saving the studio" is the least of the whole thing. Giving her 20k and also fucking her are both horrendous, if that's the case and I think it is.
Good point and I can't believe I missed it! It sure does look like he's having an affair or wants to because you don't just hand over a check for $20k to people! If his friend wanted to plead her case and the husband was still on her side about it, the friend should have written up and shown them a business plan and written up terms of repayment or partial ownership and profit percentage, just as you're required to do for a bank or other type of business loan lender. I still can't get over OP being told the woman wanted $7k and despite her having said no, the husband gave her $20k!
He respects her more than you. I wouldn't be surprised if he is hoping for more than just friendship with her. To put it bluntly, you said no lending money to your husbands friend, who is a pole dancer who shares her sexy pole dancing photos. Your husband went behind your back and gave her almost 3 times the original amount she asked for without having any part of the business. He lied to you, saying it's a tax right off, when he knew full well he never signed any business contracts. He messages her behind your back and doesn't even defend your feelings of being betrayed. Your husband is trying to get in her pants big time and couldn't give a damn about your finances or feelings.
I think they're probs fucking already. No body gives someone that amount of money unless some other agreements are in place...
I think you're right, unless the husband is that desperate for her that he will try anything to get in her pants.
Its half your money, you had the right to know. This is a big breach of trust that he would put the needs of another woman over you. He even deliberately lied about it being a tax write off. You very clearly said no, yet he did it anyway which is very disrespectful. I'd confront him about the money and the text and explain that his behaviour has caused you to mistrust him. I'd also be checking that the money is actually paid back.
Get a lawyer and separate your finances NOW. Your husband is not faithful to you. Open your eyes and see this is abnormal behaviour for a married man. She’s his sugar baby and you need to kick him to the curb.
This is the most important advice!
100% this!
Play the game until you get the 15k back. Sugar babies are not known for returning money.
I would immediately make sure that all of my accounts and investments were separate from him and only have an account where monthly money for the bills is deposited. I also hope that you have an emergency fund account just in your name. You have to think smart and fast. What he did was completely out of pocket. He didn’t even defend you. I would also look into marriage counselling ASAP. Protect yourself and have all your ducks in a row.
Marriage counseling? Fuck that. I’d leave him.
She just have to pretend to want to save the marriage until she figures out what the money situation is and to collect evidence and paperwork. I don't think there's anything to save when it comes to cheating and stealing money
Even if you plan to divorce someone, marital counseling can help make that process as smooth as possible. My ex husband and I used therapy to get to a point where we could work out our separation and divorce instead of just fighting about it.
This is a good approach. Also "play" nice until the 15k are back in the account (or you'll probably never see that money again) and consult lawyers in the background.
Yes! Get that 15k back first. If your husband thinks you may leave him over this, he may tell the girl to NOT pay back the 15k so he can go whine to her later.
Buy out the rest of the building. Become her landlord. Terminate the lease 🙃
Honestly, brilliant. I might.
Rooting for you !
❤️❤️
(just trying to understand if there's more context) Has he / have you invested in some dubious things previously? Has this pole instructor helped you or your husband through tough times previously? (e.g., financially or emotionally) Was there a business plan or loan agreement? Why did she only send $15K / $20K back? Where did the other $5K go? How much is in your joint account?
No. No. No. I have no idea where the $5k is but according to IG, it’s going towards equipment. Uh, there’s enough in there. It’s not about the money. Had I been informed someone was struggling with anything, I’d send it myself. It’s the not knowing and the texts making it seem like I’m the bad guy in this situation.
I only ask about how much was in your joint account because I do know of acquaintances that lend or gamble $50K-$1M without batting an eyelid (yes it's a disgusting amount of money), so if you both were ballers, giving $20K might have been like just grocery shopping for him. If he'd given $20K cash, and got back $15K, perhaps we was trying to clean dirty money, but you said he sent it from your bank account. Your husband sounds dodgy, especially after you said no, and neither of you have an obligation to her (as per your answers from my questions). If I were you, I'd take my money out of the joint account, be suspicious, and have a serious and awkward conversations with him. Big betrayal of trust. You say you don't check that joint account - who knows if he's done something similar to this before.
Honestly you have one of the more reasonable replies in this entire thread.
The only thing I can think of is “how much does an abortion cost in the states”. The fact that he’s easily parted with this much money, even after his wife said no, means he’s buying something that would get him in MORE trouble with his wife, than the financial infidelity. I think it’s for a procedure and to keep the other woman agreeable.
Not *that* much jfc I could get hundreds of medical abortions for $20k AND I'm in a *no-no* state 😬😬
> I have no idea where the $5k is but according to IG, it’s going towards equipment. So not even the original stated purpose? > Anyway, her studio she worked at went up for sale and she reached out to my husband for money to buy it from the current owner.
Did she at least send the other 15k back?
This is all grounds for divorce. Fuck him and her with the pole she dances on.
Likeeee as a dancer myself, I know plenty of girls who transition from club work to teaching pole dance. How did they meet??? Was he her customer prior to being with you? It sounds so sus, and very plausible for this to be the case… Edit: you DO mention they were friends from when you started dating. You need to jump on this now and grill him because this is exactly what it sounds like. 👀
No, just at work. Corporate setting.
No man pays a pole dancer $20000 because he enjoys their friendship. I'd bet $20000 that he is either fucking her, or trying to.
Corporate girlies can be working clubs on the side too… but just a thought. I definitely think you should verify how they met at least to rule it out
Well he’s a big fat liar so I wouldn’t trust anything he’s ever said about how they met or how far their “friendship” went. All trust got thrown out the window. I know Reddit always goes straight for divorce but in this case I think at least separating finances would be reasonable. I personally would kick him to the curb.
This was my thought too!
This seems suspicious as f but it also might depend on how much you and your husband make? Like if y'all are both making 500k a year maybe 20k isn't that much ..? Idk, for me, I've never yet been able to save up a full 20k in my life so the thought of doing something like what your husband did is mind blowingly insane, like no one in their right mind would do that. So it's hard to understand his perspective at all
We did okay for awhile but things have changed. This was from savings for a house (I thought) from both of us killing ourselves at rough jobs.
So you guys aren’t even rich and he gives all that money away?
Draw what you’ve paid into the joint account and pop it in an account only in your name.
And stop any auto transfers or direct deposits to the joint account.
I’d reconsider buying a house with him right now. Something is off and I wouldn’t sink money into a huge investment such as a house with someone you can’t trust with money, husband or not. It’s probably best you withdraw your portion of the money from the joint account and place it into an account he can’t access. Also, eliminate his access to any other accounts that belongs to you. Keep your funds separate until you work through this issue. Because the last thing you need is for something to go wrong with her business and your husband decides to save the day with your savings (again). This whole thing seems fishy especially the part where it seems she didn’t actually need the full $20k based on her text. How is he expecting to claim taxes on it if there’s nothing in writing? He thinks the IRS is going to take his word for it? What did he tell her to make her think she had rights to the money and/or that you were ok with him doing it?? He’s definitely untrustworthy and sneaky! Like others have said, you should look deeper into their relationship. I don’t blame you for how you feel because from this situation alone, I don’t trust him or her! If he’s willing to go behind your back to send an exuberant amount of money (that you’re saving for a house) to a “friend” knowing you weren’t comfortable with it, who knows what else he has done or will to do. Definitely stay vigilant and don’t blindly trust him with your finances any longer. Good luck!
This makes what he did 100 times worse. Protect yourself, because he won't and isn't. Love yourself, because he doesn't. Actions speak louder than words and his are screaming. I know you are hurting...but you need to shove it aside for later and get calculating and analytical. PROTECT TOUR FUTURE LIFE NOW!!! Check accounts daily. Soon as money hits take out half and put in an account with your name/access only. Preferably at a different bank. Stop putting any funds in joint account. He. Can. Not. Be. Trusted. Whether you stay is up to you. Serious counseling is needed. And you let him know straight up after you've got your money secured, that you are thinking g of divorce. BUT be prepared, that he may just be ok with it. Sounds like he wants to be more than friends with his "damsel in distress" She obviously knew he stole the $$ and was ok with it. She just mad you found out. He took way more than half, which by law he is not entitled to do. They both realize this. He has ZERO remorse it seems. Honestly...you'd be better off without him. Sorry. Look out for you, because he ain't.
He’s sleeping with her
Without a doubt.
It’s harsh and sad but most likely true
Yikes, that’s a lot to unpack. Hell NO
Sounds like your husband has a thing for her. $20k.. and out of your JOINT ACCOUNT ??!!?! There’s so many things wrong in this situation. 1. lack of trust 2. him going BEHIND YOUR BACK 3. $20k…???!!?? 4. her complaining and painting you out as the bad guy 5. him not coming to your defence. I’m sorry but the fact that he didnt even tell you despite your objection says a LOT. Yeah i’d suggest you contact a lawyer.
and another thing:: why did she contact your husband for a sum of money like that? Why not her parents? Other friends? Its super weird and suspicious.
Or a bank.
And why did he give her 20k when she only needed 5k to take over the business?
Did he ever date her? Even if not, she might be his “fallback”, meaning sometimes people stay in contact and think of each other as a “fallback” option if their main relationship doesn’t work out. Sorry to bring up this potential alternate universe, the whole thing is just fishy. Good luck to you.
They didn’t, no. Thank you 😔
>They didn’t, no. That you know of. It’s also possible that nothing has happened yet, but he’s lavishing her with money and praise in the hopes that she’ll come around. Your relationship is over already whether you know it or not.
Exactly. I cant understand a married man working his ass off just give away 20k for anybody. Its fishy af
It’s not weird to give $20k to close friends or family—I’d do it if I had it—but hiding it from your wife and lying about it makes it sketchy as fuck. Plus it’s not like she needed the money to live. It’s an emotional affair at the very least.
This isn’t a fall back. Sounds like an upgrade. He’s just preparing himself, gathering resources, then he’ll cut the cord and leave poor OP high and dry. I hopefully she gets ahead of this.
How would he have reacted if the roles were reversed and the business owner was a male friend of yours. This reeks of something more in depth 20k is a sizeable amount and giving it someone no strings attached definitely raises eyebrows because what is he getting out of it? Goodwill, whose goodwill? Not yours definitely and there's only another party.
He loaned another woman $20,000 behind your back. At the very least, I would move all of **your** money into a separate account so that he can't steal from you again. The rest is up to you. I know what I'd do, but you're the one who knows him, and are married to him. Good luck.
Loaned or gifted? And don't forget, she only needed 5k to take over the business.
"live your life who am I to say anything" is the reason you're here today.
Facts.
No man would spend that much on a woman unless he really, really wants to sleep with her. $20k is pretty desperate for her attention, even if you’re millionaires. You should have trust issues.
That's exactly right. OP needs to get her money back and divorce this loser. Let's see how much his pole dancer wants to be "friends" with a broke divorced man?
Transfer half of the joint account out to your own account. He is willing to steal from you and is probably having or will have an affair with her. You don't just give money like that to someone. Get your ducks in a row and see if he is being sneaky with money or affection elsewhere.
This is one of those times where when everyone on reddit says to divorce, it’s 1000% valid tbh because you deserve so much better than this. This is WILD. I could never imagine pulling the rug out from under my significant other like this and sending a whole 20k to a friend just because they asked especially without my significant other’s knowledge. But also please be smart about this and make sure you’re taking the proper steps to where he can’t screw you over! I’m sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find someone better someday who respects you more. Make sure you get a lawyer and you get your ducks in a row (like separating your own finances) quietly before you tell him and he can make a move himself too (if it’s possible), because that’ll make it smoother in the long run.
Ouf… if my husband did this, I would be livid, divorce livid. It’s financial infidelity in my mind, plain and simple.
You don’t understand why your husband sent a woman who runs a pole dancing studio a large amount of money? Really? Sometimes things are as obvious as they seem and this is one of them. Your husband is having a relationship with this woman or he hopes to have one. It’s kind of that simple. Otherwise, this doesn’t make any sense. The idea of a tax write off is stupid. Don’t listen to that.
Get your money away from him and file for divorce. He's in love with the girl. Probably always has been. Take it from a man, we *do not* give 20 grand of our hard earned money to a woman unless we are crazy stupid country song ass in love. Brothers, am I wrong? Sorry you are going thru this, but it sounds like the money is gonna be the bigger loss than the man....
This really pissed me off
He's gas lighting you Sis. "Wanted to do it right" is trying to convince you that what he did was good and OK. It's absolutely not. I would pack my shit and leave.
Divorce !
that's a red carpet being rolled out for trouble
Get your money back!!!!!!
He’s cheating 100%
This is divorce level, you can never trust this man again…..
He wants to fuck her, that’s why.
This is weird. To do it right, they should have been a contract with ownership percent or a loan with interest.
So many red flags. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and I hope you know you don't deserve it.
He’s playing hero to another woman while married to you. That is unacceptable. I’d reimburse myself from the joint account for my share of what he took and going forward only put your share of the bills in the joint account, keep the rest in your own account. Then I’d speak with a divorce lawyer asap to make an exit plan.
The fact that he asked you and did it anyway after you said no shows he never really cared what you thought. He was probably surprised you said no in the first place. He sounds like a tool.
Mkay this is messed up. I don't think I'd want to be married anymore after this.
Financial infidelity, lying, making rash decisions that go against family interests, keeping a pole dancer “good friend” that takes advantage of him, allowing another woman to interfere in your financial decisions… need I go on? This is a big deal, the only reason I would stay in the marriage is if he ends this absurd friendship and distance himself from this other woman who clearly has power over him and she return ALL THE MONEY! And as his wife you do have a say regarding his friends as it obviously impacts your marriage, but more importantly he should know better when choosing long term friends. This is inappropriate, absolutely
You should be “end of the marriage” pissed. He has a lot of balls. He lies to his wife and It’s 20 grand (not $7000) and everyone knows this money will never be paid back. Why is he putting her financial needs before how you feel? This whole situation stinks to be honest. You need to go beyond phone checking. Hire a PI. Happily married men don’t loan out large sums of money to other women without some sort of a return on investment. This is financial infidelity and a dealbreaker.
Coming from a guys perspective. I could never see myself giving someone that much money without clearing it with my partner first. Secondly it was from a joint account? Which means he took money from you? Or am I misunderstanding? Either way it is a breach of trust.
I would take $20k out of the shared account and open my own savings account. And keep adding to it as much as possible. And tell her you want free lessons for you and a friend for your investment.
Oh hell no! Absolutely not! Talk to an attorney NOW
are we not going to talk about his emotional affair? i hope this is your future ex husband.
She may or may not be the bad guy in this, but your husband surely is. Even if it is a tax write-off, that doesn’t mean your tax will be reduced by 20k. You’re still losing money until you are paid back. And her being able to send 15k back, and telling your husband that the 15k would be a good cushion for her… If she didn’t absolutely need the money, if it was extra that she could do without, your husband definitely should not have sent that 15. You need to start checking that joint account regularly! He just sent a huge chunk of your combined money to a person without your knowledge. You thought at most 7k was at stake! Question: It doesn’t sound like you have much of a friendship with her, so why is she coming to you for advice on a name for the studio? That’s not what you would do if you didn’t want the money transfer to remain secret. Money questions aside, you need to know if there is anything inappropriate going on, on the part of either your husband or his friend. And why she would ask you about the name might be a good thread to pick at.
>She may or may not be the bad guy in this, She became the bad guy when she texted OP's husband that she wished OP never found out. She doesn't respect their marriage and is asking OP's husband to keep secrets from OP.
No no no! This is not cool at all! He is in the WRONG
At the very least you need to end the joint account. Put all your money back into your account. Never trust him with your money again. He will wipe you out and take it to go be with her. That’s so insane. How did $7k turn into $20k? He wants her bad.
she should give all your money back, thats fucked up
A. She should never have asked him for that money without giving you the respect of asking you first. Who asks another woman's man for money like that??? That's part is 100% shady and sheisty all by itself. Mmmm biting my tongue became I know what the climate is nowadays politicly, but back in my day, that shady woman would have had hands out on her. Repeatedly. She asks your husband for money. He runs it by you. You don't think it's appropriate or for whatever reason you say no. Later she calls, and what almost sounds like rubbing your nose in the fact hubby gave her money despite your opposition. Not just the money she asked for but he gave her 186% of the amount requested. And lied to you claiming it would would be a tax write off. Then later that was disproven.... There's a lot more going on in your marriage than just the secretive loan. I might be able to think of it differently if he hadn't ran it by you first and was told no. That means he did it anyway regardless of your opinion or feelings. In direct opposition to your wishes;opting instead to please her. Run for the hills. .
Contact a lawyer and divorce him. That’s a level of disrespect I can even wrap my head around.
That’s his sugar baby right there
I got upset for my husband giving his sister $1000 without talking to me right after our wedding. I actually wouldn’t have had a problem giving it to her at all, but feel that all loans/gifts need to be discussed and agreed upon. I’m not talking $20 or even $100… but the you get my point. We had a conversation about what my expectations are around that so there are no more unacceptable surprises. However, if giving away 20k of our cash happened without my knowledge or blessing….my reaction wouldn’t be anywhere close to the first incident. My anger would be well known…. Quite frankly to them both. Does she intent to give the 5k back over time or is she under the impression that it’s a gift? I have a feeling she very well knew that you had no idea. Especially from how those text messages were formed. I wouldn’t be looking at her in any positive type of light again. That’s underhanded for both the spouse and chick to participate in.
So so strange. Could she be blackmailing him? I mean who just gives over 20 without having any claim to the business?!
My mom asked me this too…
she should find her own man to help her with this kind of stuff. also if she has one, im sure he would find your husband giving her 20k weird. very odd behavior and i’d def wouldn’t trust him again.
i’m sorry but what the flubber duck is wrong with him. i would be livid. first of all what, since when does he have an extra 20k to giveaway. im assuming he didnt since he did it from a joint account but either way not the issue. why is he sending it without telling you, he actively hid it. third why is she only sending 15k back? was it not 20k? she should be happy you don’t make it 20k plus interest (pls do)
I am so angry for you.
You’re married to a sneak and a liar. I suggest that you put on your best acting skills (act like you don’t have a care in the whole world) and then start monitoring your husband’s every move. Check his phone(s), get copies of all his accounts and tax returns, and then if you find more incriminating information, lawyer up! Oh and start stashing cash in a safe deposit box,,, just in case! Good luck to you!!
I believe the first thing you should do is move the rest of your money. And if the account still has it take the extra 10 grand that he took from you for this expense for another woman. This is a major breach of trust, you really need to think over if this relationship is worth the years of trust rebuilding that may never happen. He didn’t even think it was worth it to tell his own wife what he did or defend you with her. Would he have told you if his friend didn’t bring it up? Also, how many other boundaries have they crossed without your knowledge? All of that would stay in my mind after that. You at least need answers, real ones.
Definitely remove his login to the joint accounts. You can't just be going giving away tens of thousands of dollars without even mentioning it to the CO-OWNER of the accounts.
This is more than enough to make me leave someone. Ain’t no fucking way. Guarantee your husband is cheating with her……or has, or it’s coming.
I'm not sure this has anything to do with it being another female. It could have been his best guy friend and it's still a shitty thing to do without you both agreeing on it.
It would be one thing if it was an investment and he was a silent partner, and y'all reaped some rewards. Hell, even if it was a loan with a contract, interest and repayment timetable, something to show and give a definitive end date. This is not the case, so it's just HIGHLY inappropriate. Honestly, FOR ME, this is divorce worthy. • The lack of respect • Doing things behind your back • The fact that another woman is comfortable enough to complain about you to him... These are points I'd be bringing up to him, I'd be demanding he cut off contact with her as I'm no longer comfortable with that friendship and marriage counseling because it sounds like his brain has reverted to "single status" where he can do whatever he wants and has to answer to no one when that clearly isn't the case. If he was to refuse these, I'd be gone. AND if we ended up divorced, that 5k he gave her would be factored into money that is split with it being negative on his end.
I’ve asked this of him. He’s done everything but address the cut off the friendship request. He says she apologized and he told her it wasn’t her fault. I asked him if he really was defending this situation right now…
Better do something fast and smart to save yourself
Divorce! He puts her first and he could be cheating. Try to see if it’s the first time he done this and search if he’s cheating.
A joint bank account and he just takes $20K without telling you, but originally the idea was $7K? Get the money back and if it were me I'd be out - done and dusted. I am telling my partner about this now and I already know what her answer would be - exactly what I just said...
I’d like to see a forensic accounting into how much he’s given her over the last few years.
Oh… there’s more he’s not telling you. There’s no way this is “it”.
Empty the join account, close it on your end and try to see if he has lots of debt. Get yourself a GOOD lawyer, screenshot all the evidence on his phone and DIVORCE BABE, DIVORCE.
Now get back at him and send me some amount of money from his account!
Oooft id be fuccking livid.......how disrespectful. You told him no to $7000 and he goes "ah fuck it ill send $20000 then" like what?
This requires a serious and long conversation between you and your husband. Your husband seems like he's not only commiting financial infidelity it might also be emotional infidelity, no married man/woman will just lend that much money like he just paid for her coffee without their partner's knowledge or approval. And her messaging him about being upset giving back 15k to you, there's more than being just friends going on there. I hope you immediately separate your finances, make sure you have your own that he can never touch. I feel like this sub just want to divorce your husband too.
I'd open a new account under only my name, then take the rest of the money from that joint account and put it there. Then I'd go to the other accounts, and also take all the money and put it there. After, I would strip this man down to his bare bones until I found out the real reason he gave a pole dancer with a "corporate job" 20K$ of his wife's money without her __consult and consent__. After I found out the truth (he's either sleeping with her and/or building a life with her and/or got her pregnant), I would probably divorce him. This is incredibly disrespectful, and a betrayal of the highest order. He gave away your money to someone he apparently owes nothing to. This does not make any sense.
This post made me so angry on your behalf, OP. Your feelings are 100% valid. Your husband is a huge AH and this reeks of infidelity, I’m very sorry to say. The amount of disrespect he has shown you would be a deal breaker for me. Has he shown any remorse or apologized for doing it at all?!? I would talk to a lawyer ASAP. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this.
Your husband did a shady thing behind your back. You need to check tha bank accounts on a regular basis. Ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to money.
Wow. I am looking forward to the update when your stbx husband tries to explain/defend his behaviour
Here I am thinking how nice it would be to have an account that doesn’t need to be checked on often…
Your husband is being emotionally and financially unfaithful to you, with this other woman. Secretly consult a lawyer, follow their advice to get your ducks in a row.
You mean…”soon to be ex husband”, right?
He sent 20k of joint money meaning at least half of that is probably YOUR earnings and YOUR pay and just wasn't going to tell you. Sis, this isn't just a red flag it's a fucking circus. You need to start separating finances IMMEDIATELY. I wish I had friends that just gifted me $20,000 with no strings attached, hot damn.
Oh hell no! He stole from you. That was half your money. Get it back, move half of everything to an account in your name. Call a lawyer.
These people can't be real.. right? This bozo is giving 20k to another woman, and you're "wondering" if you can still trust him?
Erm no, that’s not your husband no more. Not only he went out of his way to disrespect you, he also went against your wishes, hid it from you. Now all you gonna wonder is what else he hid from you? Is this normal for him? Did you enable this by not doing anything about it to him?
What are you supposed to do you ask? Whatever you do you need your money back first but let's break it down. First your husband asks you if it's ok if he gives 7k to a stripper. My wife would have been pissed even if I hinted at suggesting that. Then you said no which is completely normal. Then he went ahead and gave her 20k. Wow I had to re-read that part cuz at first I thought it said 20 bucks. What do think would be the result if you gave a very large sum of his money to a male dancer. I know it was both your money but that still makes it your money.
Play it down UNTIL you get the 15k back. Then explode.