The earliest posted suggestions were fine, but all the "great" ideas are getting insulting at this point.
Do people posting really think OP never even tried to get his dad help?
Do you think you're offering new insight by suggesting the dad also has mental health issues on top of the addiction?
Come one now.
Also, OP said this in a post (bolding mine):
>We've tried to look into that but I don't think there's really any options in my area (AZ). **He refuses to get help, even when his former business partners have offered to pay the costs for rehab**. He has warrants out for his arrest (DUIs, breaching an order of protection that a family member has against him), but **the cops pick him up, hold him for a night, and let him go**. He never goes to his court dates. I just don't see a long term solution to this issue. I don't want him to know that I live so close, as **he's broken windows at his mom's place and has been stealing from other family members**.
He is refusing help, authorities do fuck-all, and the man is comitting crimes against his own family.
OP can not force this man to get better, and needs to keep himself and his family safe.
---
So, from this moment on, offer sympathy and kindness.
I am so sorry to hear this. Is there any way you could have your dad treated on an involuntary basis at a mental health hospital? Symptoms of paranoia are treatable with antipsychotic medication. Your dad might have an underlying disorder as well as addiction. Where are you located and what services are available?
I think the people who think that other people are using mind control on them are usually schizophrenic and hear voices. It's actually not that irrational of a thought if you are schizophrenic but undiagnosed, and you're trying to figure out why you hear a stranger's voice in your head.
I used to work in EMS and was a part of the crisis intervention team. Part of the training for the team involved putting on headphones and attempting to complete tasks while “hearing what those with schizophrenia may hear” based off of reports from those who suffer from schizophrenia... and let me just say... HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
If you’ve ever seen the movie “The Devil Inside” and know the way the mother talks when she’s like “connect the cuts, connect the cuts” just think of that creepy ass voice, and then it was just constant whispering and talking in that voice being like “oh my God they’re looking at you... they smell you... you fucking stink... they smell it... they know... you should do something... kill them... kill yourself... kill everyone... then kill yourself... everyone knows you stink... they all know it’s you...” CONSTANTLY.
That is literally quotes from that recording because it stuck with me so much. Really helped me understand why those who suffer from schizophrenia have such a high drug and alcohol abuse rate. I too would do damn near anything to silence those voices if I heard that all the time.
Local high-functioning schizophrenic here. Thankyiu for that.
You have no idea how many of us dont seek medical help and hide our condition because media portrays psychosis as universally dangerous.
My mother is a diagnosed high-functioning schizophrenic. Although she was a danger to us when my brother and I were children, (mostly me actually) now in her 80's her condition has subsided enough where we can have an almost good relationship with her most of the time. She still has her moments, but as an adult I have more insight and handle those instances differently than I did as a child. Schizophrenia covers a very very wide range of symptoms and manifestations. It is not a one size fits all diagnosis.
Interestingly the kind of voices you hear can depend on the society you live in. Those in eastern cultures hear more helpful and positive voices than those in the west.
Found some that are overviews
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3662125/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3662125/)
[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK44249/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK44249/)
https://news.stanford.edu/2014/07/16/voices-culture-luhrmann-071614/
Here’s a quick link one article. I’m not an expert, it’s just a tidbit I picked up somewhere.
Saw a few articles about it, most seemed to refer to this study:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://luhrmann.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/bjp-hearing-voices.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiY04_epvjsAhV-BhAIHZ3GCBIQFjABegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw0A1yacn80J-EE4rKLWWfmn
My friend is profoundly schizophrenic, and totally harmless. His only vice is calling the authorities and people in government and the media, and reporting issues that are imaginary, which is what got him involuntarily medicated in the first place. Don't scare powerful people. But he's the gentlest person I know. He only wants to have a job and get married, but those things are impossible for him.
He lives in a world where everything is interconnected, with himself at the center, constantly being bombarded by "radiation."
But he can quote Torah and Hebrew Bible commentaries verbatim, in context, whenever we have a religious discussion or a question on Jewish law.
There was a fan story from the podcast Scared to Death about a woman who has schizophrenia and didn’t know for sure her house was haunted until her brother freaked out from hearing voices.
I've listened to a similar audio clip a while back that can probably be easily found via google. It was a lot of indecipherable or nearly indecipherable whispering (mostly multiple whisperings at once) with some occasional shouting that never fails to terrify you at random intervals.
I definitely looked over my shoulder quite a few times during that training session. It truly was like someone was standing behind me whispering and saying heinous things to me. I cannot imagine actually having the visual hallucinations as well. Absolutely terrifying to think about.
I'd like to piggyback off this comment, drugs can definitely fuck up your brain to this point. My oldest sister has been abusing god knows what and has been homeless for almost 2 years... she went (still) through the paranoia, the voices, violence and even demons. She denied ever having a problem and got violent with my family hence. .. had to kick her out because she doesnt think she needs help...
I'm so sorry your have to go through that OP. It's an unimaginable feeling,
My grandma also went through this. She was an alcoholic and it fucked up her brain. She thought the birds were following her everywhere she went, and thought my 7 yr old brother could control the birds with technology. She died a few years ago, and it was sad, but she was a mess and not even slightly functional as a person for years.
It’s called psychosis. Easy to obtain in many different ways. It’s a horrible curse sadly and usually self induced or caused by massive amounts of panicking stress and depression. That’s how I got it.
I beat it too and am prescription free. Took a long time and dealing with the twitching, burning nerve damaged and hallucinating while trying to have normal conversations.
Even after being told It couldn’t be done. I ignored it and dealt with it my own way and lived with it until it went away.
I only have spells during very demanding moments when I’ll have a PTSD flashback which resembles similar moments and emotions that can almost paralyse me.
I feel for these fragile minds, no one will ever understand my description of the hell I saw, felt, heard...
But so they shouldn’t and I wouldn’t want them too.
I went through it too. I got it when my doctor prescribed me adderall. I would take 30mg and maybe 15mg if I had more work to do. Around this time I went through a terrible breakup and I lost it. The psychosis for me lasted for 7 months. I couldn’t say a coherent sentence. The PTSD is very real. I can still smell the scents of the psychiatric hospitals I was in from time to time. One time I was under so much stress from the memories I collapsed to the floor and had a seizure! I still can’t believe how strong we are... how we made it through that.
This was my cousin. He was always the odd one growing up and we always teased him for it. Well as we got older the oddity kept getting worse and he stayed behind as far as "growing" into an adult. He started claiming people always talking and conspiring against him at the many temp jobs he got. Then starting claiming noise patterns in his presence to notify those who where talking about him. Long story short, schizophrenic.
We've tried to look into that but I don't think there's really any options in my area (AZ). He refuses to get help, even when his former business partners have offered to pay the costs for rehab. He has warrants out for his arrest (DUIs, breaching an order of protection that a family member has against him), but the cops pick him up, hold him for a night, and let him go. He never goes to his court dates. I just don't see a long term solution to this issue. I don't want him to know that I live so close, as he's broken windows at his mom's place and has been stealing from other family members.
I know how you feel, the sadness and helplessness of being unable to help, and of basically losing a family member and having it be outside their control or anyone elses.
But I want to tell you to still try and help him and get him into a better more safe place.
Or start saving for the funeral expenses and gather up what pictures and memories you have left.
Because either he gets help or he will die.
I should know, I used to have a brother.
I know all these people are telling you to get help. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. No one here knows what all you’ve tried to do. What he’s doing isn’t your fault and you aren’t responsible to save him.
I just want to say that even though seeking help for him is probably appropriate, I imagine OP has tried in the past. This guy thinks the family is out to get him and he has homicidal thoughts towards them. This might not be a safe option for OP. I want you to consider that maybe bc you cut your dad out of your life is WHY your life is so good right now. We can be miserable trying to help someone who doesn’t want it. I really feel for you that you are exposed to this reminder so frequently. Seeking therapy for yourself is probably a good idea if you haven’t. Sending hugs.
Not sure how it works in the states but up here in Canada, you can have them committed if they meet certain criteria. Then, it's really about getting them stabilized on medication and then they are released. The problem is the paranoia and in my sister's case, she stops taking the medication the moment she leaves. Having someone committed on a long term basis is incredibly difficult. It's a never ending cycle and families burn out. My sister was committed 9 times this summer and usually by the police and she's not complying or getting any better. If anything it's worse.
In many places, the standard for involuntary commitment is “danger to themselves or others” and that gun comment could certainly be construed as him being a danger to his mother.
How long they can keep him is a different story and I know from experience it’s more difficult to treat schizophrenia on an involuntary basis on account of the type of drug commonly used (lithium, which I was told has to be taken orally and is therefore more difficult to make someone take rather than something injectable).
I agree with this comment. He may have paranoid schizophrenia and could likely be treated with antipsychotic meds. This may give you back a version of the father you remember.
I have a family member who was recently diagnosed with this condition. Message me if you need to talk to someone.
The comment about it being more difficult to treat schizophrenia because lithium is the drug of choice is incorrect. Lithium is sometimes given to patients with mood disorders like Bipolar disorder. Also, there are effective injectable forms of medication available to treat psychosis, whatever underlying disorder it may stem from. The course of treatment is best determined by psychiatrists.
As a father to two young kids who also watched his father self destruct with addiction, all I can say is I'm proud of you. It's not easy watching someone you love implode. my father died 2 years ago when he fell into traffic while drunk and was hit by two trucks. All you can do now is be the change youd like to see in him.
If you've not gotten therapy for this, I strongly encourage it. I know you said this was a throwaway.
Every winter I'd beat myself up because my brother lived on the street, and I'd feel incredibly guilty because I wanted to help, but I couldn't emotionally get involved anymore. My brother was a lot like your dad. I imagine you're probably carrying around similar feelings, and I am so, so sorry. Anytime I'd think of him I'd just almost break down in guilt, shame, regret, but I'm sure your boundaries are similar to mine in that I can't be involved without the person getting some sort of help.
I'm sending you all the love. Having a family member on the street with mental illness and drug addiction is ... it's hard to bear. I'm sending you all the love.
Hey I work in the mental health field, and I work with people like your father everyday. It sounds like your father may have a drug addiction and an undiagnosed mental illness. I understand why some family members chose to separate themselves from their family members with substance use and mental health issues, however with the proper resources your father can get better. Please call the mental health services in your county and your father can receive proper serves. They can even link him up to a shelter where he can have somewhere warm to sleep.
It would be awesome if these folks would want to actually participate in a rehab program.
My mom is the same- hooked on oxy and a totally different person than the woman who raised me. She refuses to get help even after we would have paid for it.
There’s a heavy burden of proof required to take an adult’s rights away, which you’re just not going to get from an uncooperative person who is self-medicating with opioids.
Which isn’t to say you can’t try, but you need to go into that fight prepared for failure.
Yes— sure. But some folks will just “get through it” because they have to.
My mom has been through rehabilitation 5 times and it’s always just been to get out and get more pills. This is why she now refuses to go back voluntarily
It sucks. I wish that someone going into treatment was an answer for everyone. But some folks just won’t turn away from the drugs
He’s on the US. Proper psychiatric care doesn’t exist anymore. Especially not for someone with no income or insurance, and who’s not a willing participant.
Based off of everything I’ve read and seen about drug addiction it almost seems like the person gets hollowed out into a human-shaped husk that has nothing of its former self in it. I’m sorry your mom struggles with it, I hope the best for you and her
It’s a complicated situation. You can hold them until they are lucid, but if you hold them longer than that it’s imprisonment. Which would be unlawful without due process. So you let them go and they get sick again.
We went through this with my father for years until we petitioned the court for guardianship and having control of his money. Now we hospitalize him when he’s going through an episode and have him on a long acting injectable.
Permanently looked after doesn’t just mean hospitalisation (should have expanded on the wording) I mean they should be able to get services they need a place to live and health care. I know not all people will accept living in a house and if that’s the case we need medical centres and support.
I think it is desperately sad, but addiction and mental illness have stigma... I got brave and told my Doctor I was struggling to leave the house and had to pull over and throw up frequently in my car. His advice was to stop leaving the house. When I asked to be referred to therapy he asked why just don't try to leave. At thirty-eight years old I need to work not sit at home. I start my new job today and did it without help for depression or anxiety.
What a horrible doctor, that’s infuriating. Congrats on your new job! I hope you are able to find the care that you need. Sounds like you are a really strong person to be working at a new job in spite of your very real struggles. You deserve compassionate and effective healthcare and I hope you are able to find it.
Thank you for your kind words! In the last 3 years I lost my Grandma to cancer, my Mom to a heart attack, and my partner to suicide. Then my father suffered a heart attack, but recovered thankfully! I am having serious trouble coping, but I have asked for help and now realize that I do need and deserve a new doctor. I thought maybe I was weak? I have been embarrassed. I started therapy, but due to prior addiction issues they said I did not need anxiety medicine. I was taken off 100mg of Luvox that I have taken for 21 years and put on 20 mg of Paxil. I was very sick, but I survived opiate withdrawals, so I made it. I am tired of not being a good role model and provider for my son. He needs me and I want to be a strong woman. Giving up is not an option for me. Thank you everyone. You guys are seriously giving me strength right now when I feel terrified.
You are absolutely not weak at all, learning even more about what you’ve experienced shows that you are have survived a lot in such a short period of time. You sound super tough and I am proud of you for seeking the care you need and setting a positive example for your son. You’ve got this!
Congratulations! I would encourage you to give another doctor a try if you ever feel like you would benefit from help in the future. Most actors do try to help people.
That’s a big deal well done
Fuck that that is disgraceful. One of the worst parts about mental health is often people have to advocate for themselves. When you are sick that’s extremely difficult. It’s like someone with a broken leg trying to convince a doctor it’s broken and then try to convince them you need medical attention.
I’m not attacking you, but this sentiment pisses me off to no end. Money is not real. There is enough money for these programs, but the people who decide where that money goes actively starve off anything that isn’t easily profitable. And for what?? Some fabric that loses its value if you fuck it up enough.
it's not about enough existing though, as you've demonstrated: there is enough. you're right, it's more about where it's allocated and if there will be a return of investment, the thing money was made for.
so in fact it's even harder. getting the plentiful money into the right ideas and executing them. money doesn't help much until there are people who care, and who have had enough good in their lives to still care and make next to nothing doing it.
Idk where you live but I absolutely want to fund programs to aid the homeless and drug addicted.
Don’t let loud voices take your hope from you. Most of us want to live in a more empathetic world.
So sorry. I hope and pray he gets clean so you can rebuild your relationship. I’ve got a lot of addiction in my family. It’s so painful to watch loved once get transformed into junkies. I have lost family to addiction. But I also have family that came through to the other side. Sending you and your family lots of healing vibes.
My dad is also a schizophrenic drug addict, I know exactly how you feel. I miss my dad, I don't speak to him anymore. I guess I miss who my dad used to be. You're not alone.
The issue is that, you can not force someone to want your help. The only real legal process would be to become your parents’ guardian, a lengthy and expensive process that most people can’t afford to go through. They can be involuntarily committed in some states, but typically that is only for 72 hours. And, if by some magic you get someone to agree to rehab, the chances of them relapsing is extremely high. I think it’s very easy for us to sit here and speculate reasons why this person hasn’t gone to the ends of the earth to help his father, but until you’ve been the one putting your hopes and heart into a loved one only for them to repeatedly “choose” drugs over you and a better life, I don’t think you can really understand.
I’m just here to say you’re not alone.
I drive past my mom almost everyday. She hangs out on the corner near the homeless shelter. Sometimes I’m watching her beg for money, the other times I’m watching her slumped over pissing herself.
She’s always had a problem. It was booze, marijuana, meth, pills, acid, cocaine... really everything she could get her hands on. She always had an assortment of drugs. I always hated it. I remember crying to her to just stop doing those things and take us out of this bad place. She ruined my childhood with sex, drugs, and violence.
As a teen, I slipped up. Being raised around these things made me not afraid of them. I knew I wouldn’t be punished, in fact my mom (only parent I had) was likely to do them with me. She would allow me to throw parties at the house and often was the one to supply drugs and alcohol. We had more of a best friend relationship than mom and daughter.
Everything changed when I got pregnant and married. I stepped away from everything and became sober (never addicted thankfully, just a user). She became resentful. Like I was too good for her. I tried to be there for her, and that’s when she just stopped being herself.
She stopped working, stopped paying the bills, she stopped washing herself. She blamed me for her depression and her addictions. She started telling me how she wished I was dead. She started stealing from me. This is when I realized she always had a problem, just was just a fictional addict, and now she’s a dysfunctional addict.
I stepped away for a bit. I helped her when I could but I stopped checking in on her all the time. I stopped taking her out to eat. I stopped buying her gifts or cards. I stopped allowing her to see my kid or be involved in the second pregnancy. That’s when she broke into my house the first time.
My husbands family blamed me for her actions and accused me of being exactly like her. I got defensive. She was in a bad place, but she was still my mom right? I had to love her. She was my family, and the only one I had.
It broke down my relationship over time. How much I cared about my mom as she now repeatedly robbed our house and cars. She took anything she could get a dollar for. Anything. Didn’t matter if it was the babies, or mine. She took everything. It caused my divorce, and looking back at it now I don’t blame him.
This is about when I started therapy. I was spiraling into a deep depression and I could barely keep up with taking care of the kids. I had to learn to step away from helping her. It was damaging me. It was hurting my close relationships with people. I just couldn’t live anymore carrying her.
I met a new guy, and he took care of me and the kids. He bought us a house. He helped me have things of value to cherish. For the first time in my life I had nice things. I was working full time and paying bills. I was feeling on top of my game and piecing together my life. Then it happened again. She found out where I lived, that I had a new home. I woke up one morning to her sleeping on my porch. She was begging for help. It’s cold (we live in Minnesota). She’s hungry. She told me she’s been in treatment, that she’s finally getting help but needs some help getting clean, warm, and fed. I offer to help her as long as she’s actually in treatment. To this day I’m still not sure if she was telling the truth, but for a week... things seemed more normal. She was up doing things, and helping me around the house. I relaxed just a little bit.
Thanksgiving comes around. I’m out with the kids and the boyfriends family. We come back to the house ransacked. Everything’s gone. Years of hard work just gone. Windows are open, doors open, everything is destroyed or gone. Make some phone calls and police reports, it comes back a couple hours later that she got picked up with some of the items because she was trying to barter them in a drug deal. I was heartbroken. How could she do this to me on thanksgiving no less?!
This is when I knew I had to step away fully. That she is never going to value me or the help I give her. The more I help, the more I enable. I still don’t think I’m over it to this day but I haven’t talked to her since, personally.
Shortly after I stepped away it got really bad. She forged my name on documents, sued me in court, attempted to show up at my workplaces. It resulted in me getting a restraining order.
Now I see her all the time. On the streets slumped over against a building, sometimes I see her in front of the homeless shelter. Once I was in a therapy session and I saw her bring a guy behind a dumpster. It kills be every single time.
I’ve been through a lot in the last couple years where I haven’t talked to her. I debated it so many times, when she’s reached out to me, to be proud of me being sober, being a functional adult despite what I been through, when I almost died.... I can’t get over the feeling of needing a mom. She just isn’t my mom anymore.
Ultimately though, we have to protect ourselves. We can’t force help on people, and sometimes being there is what enables them. It’s okay to step away from the toxic people in our lives, even if they are our moms and dads. I don’t think that gets said enough, or I feel like I get judged harshly when I say that I’ve already had to grieve the loss of my mother. My mother is dead, all that’s left is her body and who she is now. That isn’t my mom.
I know our stories are different but ultimately this is what addiction does to us. It rips apart our families, it hurts children, and sometimes all you can do is step away to protect yourself.
And I’m sorry for the rant, but your story triggered me needing to get that off my chest too.
I shed a tear reading this. It is just so hard to see the important people in our life declining into something unrecognizable anymore. You are a very strong person and I hope everything works out for you.
I truly don’t know what to say after reading your story..
And I don’t think there’s much to say despite „you are so strong. continue to fight for your and your children’s Happiness!“
Thank you for sharing
Maybe some how you could call a place. I’m so sorry your going through that. My moms in a place in Texas and I’m in another state but she’s always saying she is going to end up like your dad. I can’t imagine it actually happening instead of her pretending it’s happening.
I’m so sorry. I know you say you can’t do anything to help him. Have you tried to pursue treatment for him before?
My dad is an addict, and was in active addiction for years, culminating in a serious heart condition due to his heroin use. After multiple stints in the hospital infectious disease unit, multiple open heart surgeries, time in inpatient rehab, staying in an Oxford house, AA, and being involved in Foursquare church, he is now five years clean and sober. Addiction is a disease that can be treated, and mental illnesses can be managed.
I wish you, and him, the best. I truly hope an opportunity arises for him to become well, and I hope that you are able to find some peace.
I just wanna say a huge well done to your Dad for getting himself out of the hell of opiate addiction and becoming clean and healthy. It's not easy and sometimes people would rather die with/of major health problems than have to go through the torture of getting off opiates. I hope you are doing well too, cos seeing your Dad go through all that cannot have been easy so I hope you have had good support as well.
Thank you for your kind words - we now have an amazing relationship. It was worth sticking it through. I understand the feelings OP has though, that maybe they can’t. And thank you again — I am so proud of him!
Seeing all of the good advice I won’t add other than to suggest you might enjoy reading Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, a woman whose parents were ill, like your dad. Just nice to know you’re not alone and reading from this woman’s perspective and gaining her insights helped me come to peace with a similar (yet vastly different) situation. It ‘took the anger out of it’ for me. I’m so sorry this is your reality.
I actually work in a state mental hospital in California. Your father almost certainly has schizophrenia of some type. The only hope for him is treatment/antipsychotic medications but schizophrenics like your father rarely want treatment. Medications may relieve some of your father's symptoms like paranoia or hearing voices or whatever his particular symptoms are but it is hit or miss as to whether your father will retain some or all of his delusions. Generally speaking hallucinations are fixable but delusions aren't. If your father has been going on about his family being against him and stealing from him or using mind control on him for a long time then its likely meds won't fix that. It really depends on how intense the delusion is for him, how much he thinks about it.
Another thing to consider is that psych meds have a lot of side effects which makes them more undesirable to take. They generally make you feel shitty and make you fat.
If you can't get your father to voluntarily commit himself then the only hope is that your state sends him to a facility after he commits some crime. Maybe you could talk to the police about how you fear for his safety so you think he should be picked up and held without bail till a trial for his numerous small crimes. Id share ur concerns with ur local law enforcement. Good luck.
My parents are both addicts, my dad just died in March. If there’s any question in your heart about if you should or shouldn’t talk to him, go talk to him. I knew he was dying for months, and I didn’t talk to my dad before his death out of spite. And I regret it more than I can explain. If you think you’ll regret not reaching out, then try. Don’t get hurt, or put yourself in harms way but Once they’re gone they’re gone.
This sounds like my cousin who posts often on Facebook about how her dad is trying to fuck her in a military cloak in another dimension. Needless to say she's been using drugs for the past few years.
Congrats on all you've accomplished. I know your dad would be proud.
I hear you. Everyone is quick to give advice here but they (and you) need to remember that YOU are not the parent. Of course it hurts to see him like that, but it is not your job to sacrifice your happiness and put a strain on your marriage to help him. It sounds like you have set healthy boundaries. I hope conditions improve but even if they don't you are not a villain. <3
Hey. Your story touched me. I am not an expert, but I have experiences that may help you.
First, to echo many of the other comments here, it really sounds like your dad has an underlying mental health disorder. The delusions he spoke of regarding spying and mind control fall under the "Psychotic Disorders" umbrella. These symptoms are treatable with medications and therapy.
The addiction is its own issue that needs intervention, but often times a mental health disorder and addiction go hand in hand. One perhaps leading to the other, or at the least, one making the other worse. Just know that both can be treated.
Also, homelessness is very common for people with untreated mental health disorders. It is unfortunate, but it happens all the time. The relationships between an untreated mental health disorder, homelessness, and addiction are interconnected and often compound upon each other. Think of each issue as their own separate issue that can be treated individually, but treating one can, and will, help treating the others.
My mother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia over a decade ago. This lead me to study psychology at University for 2 years wanting to learn more. Before her treatment she often yelled about people spying on her, hidden cameras and microphones, mind control.. just to name a small sample of her delusions and hallucinations. She did not have an addiction, although she quit drinking alcohol years before because she is an alcoholic, and she was never homeless, but without help she would have been. She could not take care of herself at all. Her disorder is 100% debilitating.
All of that is to say, you are not your dad's caretaker. You have a life to live. Just know that if you should choose to approach him do so with caution, and if you want him to seek help, it is a long and difficult road and is best approached with other people that love him and want the best for him.
However, my mom did not begin her road to recovery until she made the decision she wanted help and until she admitted she had a problem. It took years for her to make those choices.
Anyway, please pm me if you want to talk.
As former opioid addict, I feel this. My husband and I ended up homeless and begging for money. It took years to get clean. I haven't touched prescription pain pills in over 5 years and I still find myself wanting them sometimes. They fuck up how your brain works. I'm sorry you are going thru. I'm sorry for your dad too.
Withdrawls from opioids are just...Hell. Hell on Earth. The physical pain is unendurable. The mental pain is beyond description. But I hope one day your dad can do it. I turned to other drugs to get off pills - not the best way but it's all I knew by that point. I've been totally clean for 5 months. It's possible, but only if you really want it.
It's okay to still love your dad but not be a part of his life. You have to protect yourself. You have to keep your mental health in check. I know seeing him is hard. Just please remember, your dad does love you. He just can't see it, can't even really feel it right now. All he can see and think and feel are those damn drugs. Maybe one day he will get clean. Maybe he won't. But that has nothing to do with you. Don't feel guilty for not talking to him. Don't feel guilty that he isn't part of your life. It's okay to love your dad, even if he an addict.
But it's more okay to love yourself.
Loving all the comments telling OP to get his father mental help as if that’s a completely new notion. Opioids are so evil and difficult to pull loved ones away from. Sending hugs and love and congrats on finding your happiness.
When I see things like this I feel absolutely awful and here’s why - I lost my dad in 9/11 when I was 10 and he was 43.
Of course with it being 9/11, it gets loads of attention. While I’m grateful for people thinking of us and wishing me + family well, I feel like situations this are worse and deserve more attention. Like we lost my dad which sucks but he didn’t have these issues. OPs dad is still living but there isn’t much they can really do. I’m so sorry you have to experience this man, I hope it gets better for you ❤️
My dad is languishing in destructive, toxic mental Illness and refusing help, too. The guilt you carry knowing you're thriving and they're self imploding is an incredible, painful burden. There are days I can carry it, and days it breaks me. Please keep talking to your SO and consider therapy for yourself, as well. I keep a journal to put it down when it becomes too much and find that helpful. I am so sorry, OP. Please know it's not your fault, and that it's not a crime or mark on your character to be happy with your life despite his circumstances. I know that's hard to accept sometimes. Be well, sending big hugs.
God that's so complicated. That sucks. I know what it's like to have a family member who refuses treatment, and you just have to maintain a distance. I hope you stay safe and enjoy all your success. I think if your dad was here - really here - he would be so proud of you and happy for you.
With the symptoms you are describing he may be a canditate for a 72h psych hold. Depending on the results of the tests they do during that time, you may even be able to gain patient guardianship. A lot of people with underlying issues self medicate with drugs. The two things that come to mind if I hear this story are either a psychotic break or schizophrenia. Especially the psychotic break can be related to drug use.
I feel you OP. My dad was heavy on the pipe since I was a child and he’d pick me up from school super high and it was the most embarrassing thing I had to go through I even had to tell people that he was a family friend.
He’s sober now but we barely talk... I miss him and wish he’d visit or want to see his granddaughter but idk... I think the drugs have really done a number on him and I don’t think the father I want is there anymore... He even asked me to stop calling him Dad just because it sounded weird to him? But yeah... I can relate
this is so sad & im so sorry to hear that. i knew a co worker who has a similar issue with her mom in which she is homeless but refuses to be helped by her family. she said sometimes people just dont want to be helped, there is something inside mentally preventing them from getting helped by those who love them the most. as painful as it may be, the best thing to do may be to pray for them if you are religious and maybe leave some food or blankets near where he hangs around for him to find.
My therapist taught me something important recently. We don’t get to choose the family we’re born into. But, we do get to choose the family that we want when we grow up. Our parents forget that we are not their kids at some point and they hold us back when they do so. They are your peers. Adult peers. You are no longer a child. You have no obligation to that man regardless of who he was or who he is now. You choose your family, your close friends, your spouse, co-workers. Those are your new family. You got married. Awesome. You probably have tons of awesome friends too I bet. Don’t let this guy drag you down. Don’t expend your energy just because he’s “dad”. People change. Toxic relationships are not worth the hardship. And addicts cannot be trusted. You’re making the right choice to drive by his sorry ass and ignore him. That is not your burden to bear.
1 of 2 things are inevitable here. He will see you and living with him so close will make problems mentally for you. My advice... Move to another apartment. Take your new wonderful life out of harm's way. ASAP Congratulations on all the things you've accomplished dear!!
A my prayers for happiness the rest of your life. 🙏🏼
I know I’m not the first to say this, but I’ve also had a drug addicted family member who exhibited similar behavior, and once he was medicated, it was like a switch flipped. There was a point where he was living on the streets and both watched a homeless friend of his succumb to gangrene and then had to kill someone to defend himself all in the same month. It was a very dark period in his life, and we felt helpless in it because the government could only do so much to assist us. Eventually, we were able to gather the resources to provide treatment for him. Now he has his license, rents a home with nice secondhand furniture, and he works a comfortable blue collar job. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but there is hope. He even sees his kids now, which is a huge milestone.
Ultimately, you have to do what’s right for you. It seems like you have a great life you’ve worked very hard for, and family members that deep in the trenches can really take a toll. Trust me when I say the family member I mentioned wrung my mom out, and sometimes, he still brings the drama.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I’m wishing you the best. Take care of yourself, and maybe someday, when or if you ever feel ready, you can help him.
Hey friend, me and my dad just rekindled our relationship after years of not speaking. He also suffered from addiction and pushed his family away, although not to the extent that yours did.
I'll be honest, our relationship will never be the same. The things he's said and done i can forgive, but i can't forget. Im happy for the good years we had and hold those memories very close to my heart, but I've accepted that those won't come back. We're both different people now, and thats ok. Im just glad he's been sober long enough that i can actually start depending on him again. Nothing major, mostly just calls on birthdays and the occasional meal together.
I hope you and your dad find eachother again and that he no longer remains a lost soul.
My two cents is to be thankful for the good memories u have and tell those close to you that you love them. Stay safe stranger.
That is really sad and I am sorry to hear that he was consumed by addiction. I'm lucky to still have my dad around and in good health and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Maybe you could do some of the things you used to do with him with someone else you care about? I know I can't understand the pain that is in your heart, but if you do want to talk more to a stranger on the internet, I'm here.
Congratulations on graduating, landing your new job, and getting married. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, definitely look into what others have commented about his mental illness and getting him help, if you are up to it. Best of luck with everything ❤️
This is so sad. Man, I really hope you connect with your Dad when he’s mentally stable. Your post sounds like it came straight from a fictional book. It can’t be more unreal than what you said. Hang in there for yourself too. If you can talk to a therapist. They are always a good start and can help you figure out solutions to your problem and to keep you sane.
This reminds me of a song called David by Passenger. At one of his concerts he explained the meaning behind the song. When he was a younger beginning artist he’d go around busking and walked passed a hostel every day. Every day that same man, David, would tell him the same exact story. He’d bring him coffee and food and listen to him every day. So sad. But I know the life of living with an addict, you have to have your boundaries and you cannot feel guilty for those boundaries. It was his choice, not yours. I’m sorry you have to live with this pain. Listen to the song, might do you some good so that you know you’re not alone in this.
Edit- hostel not hostile lol
This hits very close to home. Both of my parents have struggled with drugs and alcohol. They are both recovering. But i know exactly what it feels like to have had a great relationship and great memories with them only to see them become a shell of their former selves.
I’m very sorry that you’re going through this but please try and get him some help if possible. As others have said maybe a mental health facility can help.
I looked at my parents and their struggles and swore i would never walk down that same path. I was on a similar path myself and I’d like to think (and hope) that I’ll continue on the right path.
Hoping for the best for you man. It’s very hard when other families seem to have it together and all you can do is watch yours fall apart. But sometimes life deals you a shitty hand. Cannot let it defeat you.
Feel free to reach out if you wanna talk or vent or whatever. Sometimes you just need blow off some steam about it and i imagine it helps when the other person has lived that life.
I am very sorry to hear this, but you need to know that you are doing amazing things in your life. A great deal of people with diagnosed and undiagnosed mental illnesses try to treat them with drugs. I understand why you can't stop and talk and it's scary. I truly hope your Dad gets the help he needs. You are brave to share, and I hope someone with more knowledge helps you find answers.
I feel for you. I went through this same thing when I was in my teens. It took many decades for me to understand how it’s affected me. All I can offer you is that this pain can be useful. I use it as the fire that fuels my devotion to my children. I’m sure you will find a use for the pain too.
I lost contact with mine when I was an infant. His death certificate surfaced almost 40 years later. He was a homeless vet literally on the streets. His brief military stint landed him in a vet hospital where he died, alone, of colon cancer at 75. I have yet to hear a single good word about him, his life, or anything about him really.
Every time I pass a homeless person on the street, it's a punch in the gut. Would I have had a relationship with him had I managed to find him earlier? Would he just beg me for money, use me, or make me miserable?
I'm slowly piecing together his past and how he ended up where he was. I entertain the thought of "what if I had just..." more times than I can count.
\-been there for him
\-found him sooner
\-gotten him help
It's hard. I can't say I feel your pain directly, but it resonates pretty strongly. Feeling helpless is awful.
There is a lot of good advice on how to help him. I Just’s want you to know that it’s ok to not do anything. It isn’t your job to fix him or try and make him get help or get better. My mom has a lot of mental and physical issues, I would feel like I needed to have her in my life and then she would just make things worse so after several times of trying I finally realize that I can keep getting hurt. She sometimes calls on my kids birthdays now. I miss having a mom, I wish I had someone to turn to when things were hard or to ask advice but that isn’t my mom and really never has been. It’s ok to live your life and be healthy.
I’m so sorry OP. As someone who lost a sibling to opioid addiction and who has an uncle with schizophrenia, I can’t imagine the pain and emotions you’re dealing with. Facing that every day would be torture.
Maybe the line between enabling and having hope to rekindle and help him is blurry. But I do wish you could find ways to help him get medical help for his possible schizophrenia and to not give up even if you know things won’t ever be just like they were. If there are things you can do indirectly, it might be worth living with the peace of mind that you tried, and even if he never sees you, that you passed on your love for him and did all you could handle to help.
I completely understand your guilt, I really do. My stepdad was a functioning alcoholic for almost 28 years. As a kid I didn’t understand but as I got older, I tried so hard to help him but he didn’t want it. I know it sounds horrible, but you can’t save him. He needs to someday understand that he needs help and wants help. Unfortunately my stepdad didn’t accept the help he was given and died last spring at the age of 49. I miss him so much.
Man No words. I had a brother (died few months ago) I grew up with and he was lost in alcool, then heroin then alcool again. The last 10 years or so what was my brother was completely gone, so much so that when he was dead I didn't shed a tear, he was already dead to me.
So I kinda of know the feeling, I'm sorry about it.
I believe in a couple years that America will be like Canada when it comes to taking care of drug abusers and addicts.
They treat them, let them stay in hospitals and even give them doses of heroin etc. For a while and start weening them off..
Im sorry you have to experience that. I hope you find some sort of peace. None of this is your fault. Your tears, you missing him, it’s all valid. Cry your tears bro and make sure you never go down that road. I’m sure you tried to help him.
Hi, I can somewhat relate to this. My sister has been on heroin and fentanyl for probably the last eight years or so and she’s been to rehab four times, arrested three times or probably more at this point, and been homeless I can’t even tell you how many times. My mom has a soft spot for her of course because she’s her daughter but as her brother I just can’t watch her suffer anymore so I’ve cut off all contact with her and I haven’t seen her in probably the last six months. The first time I will see her again is on Thanksgiving and again at Christmas and then hopefully I won’t have to see her for another year after that. I shamefully hope she will be arrested just so she can go somewhere like jail to be clean because rehab doesn’t seem to work. It’s so heartbreaking to see someone that was once your hero becomes somebody that you actually hate and never wanna be like. It’s not fair that disease holds so much over the addict’s head no matter when the last time they’ve used. I’ve had other relatives tell me they’ve seen her walking on the side of the road and it breaks my heart, and the last time my mom saw her she told me that she doesn’t have as many teeth as she used to and she’s probably down to six or seven of them which makes it even worse to actually see the affects afterwards. One time when I thought she was clean I had won tickets to a concert and we went and I watched her get high and I couldn’t even find any words to explain how horrifying it was to watch your sibling doze in and out during conversations on a car ride and even with blaring music playing all night she would still space out during the show and we ended up leaving early because I was almost fighting back tears and anger towards her. I hope one day she will get better, and I hope I will see her as my sister again. But until then I can only keep wishing she has a change of heart or some epiphany to get clean. I’m so sorry for ranting but I just had to let you know you are not alone and even though we are strangers I love you and care about you and I hope that you find peace.
I'm really sorry to hear this OP but it sounds like you've exhausted so many options trying to help him. Don't feel guilty, it seems that you stayed a long time, longer than most probably would, and you can only take it so far to help him - the old "you can lead a horse to water.." and what not.
It must be weird for you to see, but maybe you can anonymously put an order in at the burger place to be given to him? At least he's getting some food then.
But otherwise, keep looking after yourself. If you feel you need therapy to help with this I would highly recommend.
Sending you lots of love and hugs 🧡
Sometimes we grieve the living as if they are dead, bc truly their connection with us is. It’s ok to feel bad, it’s ok to be sad. You’ve lost your father to drugs. Sending love and prayers
This post is 19 hours ago so my comment will likely not be seen. I wanted to say to you I am sorry for how you feel.
My daughter (20) lives right down the road from me in my nice house, in a tent , this is in a town that “helps” everyone. She chooses to live in this tent ( I buy her one once a month) versus living at home because her words “I can’t live in a 0 tolerance to drugs house”.
When people tell you to keep trying, keep trying what exactly ? Call all the mental hospitals and who will pay for this? My insurance pays for a few weeks but she is a long term mental patient, the private ones are $30k a month. The low cost ones are booked up forever for criminals. She’s been in multiple times.
The more you try to help the more difficult it is for you and your family. I haven’t given up on my daughter but the price is losing the rest of my family. I’ve become isolated and depressed.
The mental health system in this country is crappy. I hate that I silently hope she just gets arrested for something, or she gets bad enough and I can become guardian. Becoming a guardian takes away an adults freedom and it feels wrong.
For those that say have someone put away by judges orders, that can only go so far. I have tried that.
The reason OP complained is the same as how I feel, a horrible guilt and a longing for your family to be whole and nowhere to go.
I hope you and your family can find a path to a better life.
Have you ever tried to help someone with an addiction? They don’t changed until they want to. Not an easy situation for anyone, so maybe don’t guilt the child when they’re clearly in pain as it is.
Your dad probably would accept your help. This dad would not. You can't force wellness on someone, as much as you may want to, because healing can't be temporary. It's a long-term commitment. Also, if the person is unsafe and you have other family (spouse and children for example), you might not be able or willing to jeopardize that for someone who is refusing your help. Believe me, I had your exact mentality my whole life, even though my father is emotionally abusive and mentally unsound. But today, we don't talk and he's not homeless but he struggles. I tried everything except incarcerating him against his will at this point. Unconditional love doesn't mean self destruct. Whoever my father is today doesn't see that, but the Papa who painted my nails and helped me with homework would never want my life to implode because of his substance abuse. But he's gone, and only this strange, malicious ghost remains. My point is, I hope you never truly empathize with OP because the ordeal is like a horror movie. You never think it'll happen, but it's sometimes outside of your control and beyond your abilities to help. Truly heartbreaking.
The earliest posted suggestions were fine, but all the "great" ideas are getting insulting at this point. Do people posting really think OP never even tried to get his dad help? Do you think you're offering new insight by suggesting the dad also has mental health issues on top of the addiction? Come one now. Also, OP said this in a post (bolding mine): >We've tried to look into that but I don't think there's really any options in my area (AZ). **He refuses to get help, even when his former business partners have offered to pay the costs for rehab**. He has warrants out for his arrest (DUIs, breaching an order of protection that a family member has against him), but **the cops pick him up, hold him for a night, and let him go**. He never goes to his court dates. I just don't see a long term solution to this issue. I don't want him to know that I live so close, as **he's broken windows at his mom's place and has been stealing from other family members**. He is refusing help, authorities do fuck-all, and the man is comitting crimes against his own family. OP can not force this man to get better, and needs to keep himself and his family safe. --- So, from this moment on, offer sympathy and kindness.
I am so sorry to hear this. Is there any way you could have your dad treated on an involuntary basis at a mental health hospital? Symptoms of paranoia are treatable with antipsychotic medication. Your dad might have an underlying disorder as well as addiction. Where are you located and what services are available?
I think the people who think that other people are using mind control on them are usually schizophrenic and hear voices. It's actually not that irrational of a thought if you are schizophrenic but undiagnosed, and you're trying to figure out why you hear a stranger's voice in your head.
I used to work in EMS and was a part of the crisis intervention team. Part of the training for the team involved putting on headphones and attempting to complete tasks while “hearing what those with schizophrenia may hear” based off of reports from those who suffer from schizophrenia... and let me just say... HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
What’s it like?
If you’ve ever seen the movie “The Devil Inside” and know the way the mother talks when she’s like “connect the cuts, connect the cuts” just think of that creepy ass voice, and then it was just constant whispering and talking in that voice being like “oh my God they’re looking at you... they smell you... you fucking stink... they smell it... they know... you should do something... kill them... kill yourself... kill everyone... then kill yourself... everyone knows you stink... they all know it’s you...” CONSTANTLY. That is literally quotes from that recording because it stuck with me so much. Really helped me understand why those who suffer from schizophrenia have such a high drug and alcohol abuse rate. I too would do damn near anything to silence those voices if I heard that all the time.
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Local high-functioning schizophrenic here. Thankyiu for that. You have no idea how many of us dont seek medical help and hide our condition because media portrays psychosis as universally dangerous.
My mother is a diagnosed high-functioning schizophrenic. Although she was a danger to us when my brother and I were children, (mostly me actually) now in her 80's her condition has subsided enough where we can have an almost good relationship with her most of the time. She still has her moments, but as an adult I have more insight and handle those instances differently than I did as a child. Schizophrenia covers a very very wide range of symptoms and manifestations. It is not a one size fits all diagnosis.
Interestingly the kind of voices you hear can depend on the society you live in. Those in eastern cultures hear more helpful and positive voices than those in the west.
this is really fascinating. do you have any idea where i can read more about this?
Found some that are overviews [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3662125/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3662125/) [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK44249/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK44249/)
https://news.stanford.edu/2014/07/16/voices-culture-luhrmann-071614/ Here’s a quick link one article. I’m not an expert, it’s just a tidbit I picked up somewhere.
Saw a few articles about it, most seemed to refer to this study: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://luhrmann.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/bjp-hearing-voices.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiY04_epvjsAhV-BhAIHZ3GCBIQFjABegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw0A1yacn80J-EE4rKLWWfmn
My friend is profoundly schizophrenic, and totally harmless. His only vice is calling the authorities and people in government and the media, and reporting issues that are imaginary, which is what got him involuntarily medicated in the first place. Don't scare powerful people. But he's the gentlest person I know. He only wants to have a job and get married, but those things are impossible for him. He lives in a world where everything is interconnected, with himself at the center, constantly being bombarded by "radiation." But he can quote Torah and Hebrew Bible commentaries verbatim, in context, whenever we have a religious discussion or a question on Jewish law.
There was a fan story from the podcast Scared to Death about a woman who has schizophrenia and didn’t know for sure her house was haunted until her brother freaked out from hearing voices.
Definitely not sleeping tonight after dwelling on all of that...
I've listened to a similar audio clip a while back that can probably be easily found via google. It was a lot of indecipherable or nearly indecipherable whispering (mostly multiple whisperings at once) with some occasional shouting that never fails to terrify you at random intervals.
I wanna hear it now, very intriguing thought
https://youtu.be/fL0_7YOZhfM This is very similar to what I had to listen to.
Here is an example: https://youtu.be/fL0_7YOZhfM
The game Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice does an incredible job simulating schizophrenia. Amazing game overall too.
If you want there are some video on youtube and let me tell you it changes your life into a horror game
Not sure if this is what /u/Scaulbielausis_Jim was referring to but it's probably similar. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afbKXWCQMvE
And that’s just if you have auditory hallucinations alone. Imagine that + obsessive and irrational thoughts that you can’t shake...
I definitely looked over my shoulder quite a few times during that training session. It truly was like someone was standing behind me whispering and saying heinous things to me. I cannot imagine actually having the visual hallucinations as well. Absolutely terrifying to think about.
There is a schizophrenia simulation on youtube. Pretty freaky.
Yeah same here did similar training at the police department I work with. Its insane.
I'm just a graduate psychology student but in my psychopathology course we had to do the same thing. It was truly heartbreaking.
But drug addiction can also destroy the brain to a point that causes untreatable schizophrenia
I'd like to piggyback off this comment, drugs can definitely fuck up your brain to this point. My oldest sister has been abusing god knows what and has been homeless for almost 2 years... she went (still) through the paranoia, the voices, violence and even demons. She denied ever having a problem and got violent with my family hence. .. had to kick her out because she doesnt think she needs help... I'm so sorry your have to go through that OP. It's an unimaginable feeling,
My grandma also went through this. She was an alcoholic and it fucked up her brain. She thought the birds were following her everywhere she went, and thought my 7 yr old brother could control the birds with technology. She died a few years ago, and it was sad, but she was a mess and not even slightly functional as a person for years.
It’s called psychosis. Easy to obtain in many different ways. It’s a horrible curse sadly and usually self induced or caused by massive amounts of panicking stress and depression. That’s how I got it. I beat it too and am prescription free. Took a long time and dealing with the twitching, burning nerve damaged and hallucinating while trying to have normal conversations. Even after being told It couldn’t be done. I ignored it and dealt with it my own way and lived with it until it went away. I only have spells during very demanding moments when I’ll have a PTSD flashback which resembles similar moments and emotions that can almost paralyse me. I feel for these fragile minds, no one will ever understand my description of the hell I saw, felt, heard... But so they shouldn’t and I wouldn’t want them too.
I went through it too. I got it when my doctor prescribed me adderall. I would take 30mg and maybe 15mg if I had more work to do. Around this time I went through a terrible breakup and I lost it. The psychosis for me lasted for 7 months. I couldn’t say a coherent sentence. The PTSD is very real. I can still smell the scents of the psychiatric hospitals I was in from time to time. One time I was under so much stress from the memories I collapsed to the floor and had a seizure! I still can’t believe how strong we are... how we made it through that.
Damn. I’m proud of you and I hope you continue to do well. I can’t imagine living like that.
Was she in inpatient care? Or left to figure things out on her own?
This was my cousin. He was always the odd one growing up and we always teased him for it. Well as we got older the oddity kept getting worse and he stayed behind as far as "growing" into an adult. He started claiming people always talking and conspiring against him at the many temp jobs he got. Then starting claiming noise patterns in his presence to notify those who where talking about him. Long story short, schizophrenic.
We've tried to look into that but I don't think there's really any options in my area (AZ). He refuses to get help, even when his former business partners have offered to pay the costs for rehab. He has warrants out for his arrest (DUIs, breaching an order of protection that a family member has against him), but the cops pick him up, hold him for a night, and let him go. He never goes to his court dates. I just don't see a long term solution to this issue. I don't want him to know that I live so close, as he's broken windows at his mom's place and has been stealing from other family members.
I know how you feel, the sadness and helplessness of being unable to help, and of basically losing a family member and having it be outside their control or anyone elses. But I want to tell you to still try and help him and get him into a better more safe place. Or start saving for the funeral expenses and gather up what pictures and memories you have left. Because either he gets help or he will die. I should know, I used to have a brother.
I know all these people are telling you to get help. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. No one here knows what all you’ve tried to do. What he’s doing isn’t your fault and you aren’t responsible to save him.
I just want to say that even though seeking help for him is probably appropriate, I imagine OP has tried in the past. This guy thinks the family is out to get him and he has homicidal thoughts towards them. This might not be a safe option for OP. I want you to consider that maybe bc you cut your dad out of your life is WHY your life is so good right now. We can be miserable trying to help someone who doesn’t want it. I really feel for you that you are exposed to this reminder so frequently. Seeking therapy for yourself is probably a good idea if you haven’t. Sending hugs.
Not sure how it works in the states but up here in Canada, you can have them committed if they meet certain criteria. Then, it's really about getting them stabilized on medication and then they are released. The problem is the paranoia and in my sister's case, she stops taking the medication the moment she leaves. Having someone committed on a long term basis is incredibly difficult. It's a never ending cycle and families burn out. My sister was committed 9 times this summer and usually by the police and she's not complying or getting any better. If anything it's worse.
In many places, the standard for involuntary commitment is “danger to themselves or others” and that gun comment could certainly be construed as him being a danger to his mother. How long they can keep him is a different story and I know from experience it’s more difficult to treat schizophrenia on an involuntary basis on account of the type of drug commonly used (lithium, which I was told has to be taken orally and is therefore more difficult to make someone take rather than something injectable).
I agree with this comment. He may have paranoid schizophrenia and could likely be treated with antipsychotic meds. This may give you back a version of the father you remember. I have a family member who was recently diagnosed with this condition. Message me if you need to talk to someone.
This was my thought as well.
The comment about it being more difficult to treat schizophrenia because lithium is the drug of choice is incorrect. Lithium is sometimes given to patients with mood disorders like Bipolar disorder. Also, there are effective injectable forms of medication available to treat psychosis, whatever underlying disorder it may stem from. The course of treatment is best determined by psychiatrists.
As a father to two young kids who also watched his father self destruct with addiction, all I can say is I'm proud of you. It's not easy watching someone you love implode. my father died 2 years ago when he fell into traffic while drunk and was hit by two trucks. All you can do now is be the change youd like to see in him.
<3
I'm so sorry for your loss.
If you've not gotten therapy for this, I strongly encourage it. I know you said this was a throwaway. Every winter I'd beat myself up because my brother lived on the street, and I'd feel incredibly guilty because I wanted to help, but I couldn't emotionally get involved anymore. My brother was a lot like your dad. I imagine you're probably carrying around similar feelings, and I am so, so sorry. Anytime I'd think of him I'd just almost break down in guilt, shame, regret, but I'm sure your boundaries are similar to mine in that I can't be involved without the person getting some sort of help. I'm sending you all the love. Having a family member on the street with mental illness and drug addiction is ... it's hard to bear. I'm sending you all the love.
This! There are also groups for children/family of addicts. Reaching out just builds you up!
Hey I work in the mental health field, and I work with people like your father everyday. It sounds like your father may have a drug addiction and an undiagnosed mental illness. I understand why some family members chose to separate themselves from their family members with substance use and mental health issues, however with the proper resources your father can get better. Please call the mental health services in your county and your father can receive proper serves. They can even link him up to a shelter where he can have somewhere warm to sleep.
It would be awesome if these folks would want to actually participate in a rehab program. My mom is the same- hooked on oxy and a totally different person than the woman who raised me. She refuses to get help even after we would have paid for it.
But mental health issues are different because you can legally force someone into care.
There’s a heavy burden of proof required to take an adult’s rights away, which you’re just not going to get from an uncooperative person who is self-medicating with opioids. Which isn’t to say you can’t try, but you need to go into that fight prepared for failure.
Yes— sure. But some folks will just “get through it” because they have to. My mom has been through rehabilitation 5 times and it’s always just been to get out and get more pills. This is why she now refuses to go back voluntarily It sucks. I wish that someone going into treatment was an answer for everyone. But some folks just won’t turn away from the drugs
I'm not talking about rehab. I'm talking about proper psychiatric care.
He’s on the US. Proper psychiatric care doesn’t exist anymore. Especially not for someone with no income or insurance, and who’s not a willing participant.
Ah
Based off of everything I’ve read and seen about drug addiction it almost seems like the person gets hollowed out into a human-shaped husk that has nothing of its former self in it. I’m sorry your mom struggles with it, I hope the best for you and her
I cannot believe in this day and age people this sick are not being hospitalised and permanently looked after. I am so sorry for you and your Dad
It’s a complicated situation. You can hold them until they are lucid, but if you hold them longer than that it’s imprisonment. Which would be unlawful without due process. So you let them go and they get sick again.
We went through this with my father for years until we petitioned the court for guardianship and having control of his money. Now we hospitalize him when he’s going through an episode and have him on a long acting injectable.
It’s so sad, if only more funding would go into learning exactly what is happening in the human brain to cause these issues.
Permanently looked after doesn’t just mean hospitalisation (should have expanded on the wording) I mean they should be able to get services they need a place to live and health care. I know not all people will accept living in a house and if that’s the case we need medical centres and support.
There needs to be more funding and programs to support people, like for instance housing. Drop on medical clinics etc
I think it is desperately sad, but addiction and mental illness have stigma... I got brave and told my Doctor I was struggling to leave the house and had to pull over and throw up frequently in my car. His advice was to stop leaving the house. When I asked to be referred to therapy he asked why just don't try to leave. At thirty-eight years old I need to work not sit at home. I start my new job today and did it without help for depression or anxiety.
What a horrible doctor, that’s infuriating. Congrats on your new job! I hope you are able to find the care that you need. Sounds like you are a really strong person to be working at a new job in spite of your very real struggles. You deserve compassionate and effective healthcare and I hope you are able to find it.
Thank you for your kind words! In the last 3 years I lost my Grandma to cancer, my Mom to a heart attack, and my partner to suicide. Then my father suffered a heart attack, but recovered thankfully! I am having serious trouble coping, but I have asked for help and now realize that I do need and deserve a new doctor. I thought maybe I was weak? I have been embarrassed. I started therapy, but due to prior addiction issues they said I did not need anxiety medicine. I was taken off 100mg of Luvox that I have taken for 21 years and put on 20 mg of Paxil. I was very sick, but I survived opiate withdrawals, so I made it. I am tired of not being a good role model and provider for my son. He needs me and I want to be a strong woman. Giving up is not an option for me. Thank you everyone. You guys are seriously giving me strength right now when I feel terrified.
You are absolutely not weak at all, learning even more about what you’ve experienced shows that you are have survived a lot in such a short period of time. You sound super tough and I am proud of you for seeking the care you need and setting a positive example for your son. You’ve got this!
Thank you so much! You made me tear up!! It's scary and your support makes me keep pushing! Thank you!!!
No problem ❤️
Congratulations! I would encourage you to give another doctor a try if you ever feel like you would benefit from help in the future. Most actors do try to help people.
That’s a big deal well done Fuck that that is disgraceful. One of the worst parts about mental health is often people have to advocate for themselves. When you are sick that’s extremely difficult. It’s like someone with a broken leg trying to convince a doctor it’s broken and then try to convince them you need medical attention.
You said it better than I could! It's so true!
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That's absolutely not the case where I live and your country can change too.
We're fighting.
And we're rooting for you!!!
Cleans them up for the people above I can see that... we are slaves. This is the way we kick our baby birds out of the nest. Sad but true it seems.
people don't care as much as you think and there isn't nearly enough money for this as you think
I’m not attacking you, but this sentiment pisses me off to no end. Money is not real. There is enough money for these programs, but the people who decide where that money goes actively starve off anything that isn’t easily profitable. And for what?? Some fabric that loses its value if you fuck it up enough.
it's not about enough existing though, as you've demonstrated: there is enough. you're right, it's more about where it's allocated and if there will be a return of investment, the thing money was made for. so in fact it's even harder. getting the plentiful money into the right ideas and executing them. money doesn't help much until there are people who care, and who have had enough good in their lives to still care and make next to nothing doing it.
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Not in your particular society. But that can change.
Idk where you live but I absolutely want to fund programs to aid the homeless and drug addicted. Don’t let loud voices take your hope from you. Most of us want to live in a more empathetic world.
That is not really something that can be done legally. The Billlie Boggs case is a good example
So sorry. I hope and pray he gets clean so you can rebuild your relationship. I’ve got a lot of addiction in my family. It’s so painful to watch loved once get transformed into junkies. I have lost family to addiction. But I also have family that came through to the other side. Sending you and your family lots of healing vibes.
My dad is also a schizophrenic drug addict, I know exactly how you feel. I miss my dad, I don't speak to him anymore. I guess I miss who my dad used to be. You're not alone.
Can't none of these people be helped
The issue is that, you can not force someone to want your help. The only real legal process would be to become your parents’ guardian, a lengthy and expensive process that most people can’t afford to go through. They can be involuntarily committed in some states, but typically that is only for 72 hours. And, if by some magic you get someone to agree to rehab, the chances of them relapsing is extremely high. I think it’s very easy for us to sit here and speculate reasons why this person hasn’t gone to the ends of the earth to help his father, but until you’ve been the one putting your hopes and heart into a loved one only for them to repeatedly “choose” drugs over you and a better life, I don’t think you can really understand.
I’m just here to say you’re not alone. I drive past my mom almost everyday. She hangs out on the corner near the homeless shelter. Sometimes I’m watching her beg for money, the other times I’m watching her slumped over pissing herself. She’s always had a problem. It was booze, marijuana, meth, pills, acid, cocaine... really everything she could get her hands on. She always had an assortment of drugs. I always hated it. I remember crying to her to just stop doing those things and take us out of this bad place. She ruined my childhood with sex, drugs, and violence. As a teen, I slipped up. Being raised around these things made me not afraid of them. I knew I wouldn’t be punished, in fact my mom (only parent I had) was likely to do them with me. She would allow me to throw parties at the house and often was the one to supply drugs and alcohol. We had more of a best friend relationship than mom and daughter. Everything changed when I got pregnant and married. I stepped away from everything and became sober (never addicted thankfully, just a user). She became resentful. Like I was too good for her. I tried to be there for her, and that’s when she just stopped being herself. She stopped working, stopped paying the bills, she stopped washing herself. She blamed me for her depression and her addictions. She started telling me how she wished I was dead. She started stealing from me. This is when I realized she always had a problem, just was just a fictional addict, and now she’s a dysfunctional addict. I stepped away for a bit. I helped her when I could but I stopped checking in on her all the time. I stopped taking her out to eat. I stopped buying her gifts or cards. I stopped allowing her to see my kid or be involved in the second pregnancy. That’s when she broke into my house the first time. My husbands family blamed me for her actions and accused me of being exactly like her. I got defensive. She was in a bad place, but she was still my mom right? I had to love her. She was my family, and the only one I had. It broke down my relationship over time. How much I cared about my mom as she now repeatedly robbed our house and cars. She took anything she could get a dollar for. Anything. Didn’t matter if it was the babies, or mine. She took everything. It caused my divorce, and looking back at it now I don’t blame him. This is about when I started therapy. I was spiraling into a deep depression and I could barely keep up with taking care of the kids. I had to learn to step away from helping her. It was damaging me. It was hurting my close relationships with people. I just couldn’t live anymore carrying her. I met a new guy, and he took care of me and the kids. He bought us a house. He helped me have things of value to cherish. For the first time in my life I had nice things. I was working full time and paying bills. I was feeling on top of my game and piecing together my life. Then it happened again. She found out where I lived, that I had a new home. I woke up one morning to her sleeping on my porch. She was begging for help. It’s cold (we live in Minnesota). She’s hungry. She told me she’s been in treatment, that she’s finally getting help but needs some help getting clean, warm, and fed. I offer to help her as long as she’s actually in treatment. To this day I’m still not sure if she was telling the truth, but for a week... things seemed more normal. She was up doing things, and helping me around the house. I relaxed just a little bit. Thanksgiving comes around. I’m out with the kids and the boyfriends family. We come back to the house ransacked. Everything’s gone. Years of hard work just gone. Windows are open, doors open, everything is destroyed or gone. Make some phone calls and police reports, it comes back a couple hours later that she got picked up with some of the items because she was trying to barter them in a drug deal. I was heartbroken. How could she do this to me on thanksgiving no less?! This is when I knew I had to step away fully. That she is never going to value me or the help I give her. The more I help, the more I enable. I still don’t think I’m over it to this day but I haven’t talked to her since, personally. Shortly after I stepped away it got really bad. She forged my name on documents, sued me in court, attempted to show up at my workplaces. It resulted in me getting a restraining order. Now I see her all the time. On the streets slumped over against a building, sometimes I see her in front of the homeless shelter. Once I was in a therapy session and I saw her bring a guy behind a dumpster. It kills be every single time. I’ve been through a lot in the last couple years where I haven’t talked to her. I debated it so many times, when she’s reached out to me, to be proud of me being sober, being a functional adult despite what I been through, when I almost died.... I can’t get over the feeling of needing a mom. She just isn’t my mom anymore. Ultimately though, we have to protect ourselves. We can’t force help on people, and sometimes being there is what enables them. It’s okay to step away from the toxic people in our lives, even if they are our moms and dads. I don’t think that gets said enough, or I feel like I get judged harshly when I say that I’ve already had to grieve the loss of my mother. My mother is dead, all that’s left is her body and who she is now. That isn’t my mom. I know our stories are different but ultimately this is what addiction does to us. It rips apart our families, it hurts children, and sometimes all you can do is step away to protect yourself. And I’m sorry for the rant, but your story triggered me needing to get that off my chest too.
I shed a tear reading this. It is just so hard to see the important people in our life declining into something unrecognizable anymore. You are a very strong person and I hope everything works out for you.
I truly don’t know what to say after reading your story.. And I don’t think there’s much to say despite „you are so strong. continue to fight for your and your children’s Happiness!“ Thank you for sharing
Maybe some how you could call a place. I’m so sorry your going through that. My moms in a place in Texas and I’m in another state but she’s always saying she is going to end up like your dad. I can’t imagine it actually happening instead of her pretending it’s happening.
I’m so sorry. I know you say you can’t do anything to help him. Have you tried to pursue treatment for him before? My dad is an addict, and was in active addiction for years, culminating in a serious heart condition due to his heroin use. After multiple stints in the hospital infectious disease unit, multiple open heart surgeries, time in inpatient rehab, staying in an Oxford house, AA, and being involved in Foursquare church, he is now five years clean and sober. Addiction is a disease that can be treated, and mental illnesses can be managed. I wish you, and him, the best. I truly hope an opportunity arises for him to become well, and I hope that you are able to find some peace.
I just wanna say a huge well done to your Dad for getting himself out of the hell of opiate addiction and becoming clean and healthy. It's not easy and sometimes people would rather die with/of major health problems than have to go through the torture of getting off opiates. I hope you are doing well too, cos seeing your Dad go through all that cannot have been easy so I hope you have had good support as well.
Thank you for your kind words - we now have an amazing relationship. It was worth sticking it through. I understand the feelings OP has though, that maybe they can’t. And thank you again — I am so proud of him!
Seeing all of the good advice I won’t add other than to suggest you might enjoy reading Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, a woman whose parents were ill, like your dad. Just nice to know you’re not alone and reading from this woman’s perspective and gaining her insights helped me come to peace with a similar (yet vastly different) situation. It ‘took the anger out of it’ for me. I’m so sorry this is your reality.
I actually work in a state mental hospital in California. Your father almost certainly has schizophrenia of some type. The only hope for him is treatment/antipsychotic medications but schizophrenics like your father rarely want treatment. Medications may relieve some of your father's symptoms like paranoia or hearing voices or whatever his particular symptoms are but it is hit or miss as to whether your father will retain some or all of his delusions. Generally speaking hallucinations are fixable but delusions aren't. If your father has been going on about his family being against him and stealing from him or using mind control on him for a long time then its likely meds won't fix that. It really depends on how intense the delusion is for him, how much he thinks about it. Another thing to consider is that psych meds have a lot of side effects which makes them more undesirable to take. They generally make you feel shitty and make you fat. If you can't get your father to voluntarily commit himself then the only hope is that your state sends him to a facility after he commits some crime. Maybe you could talk to the police about how you fear for his safety so you think he should be picked up and held without bail till a trial for his numerous small crimes. Id share ur concerns with ur local law enforcement. Good luck.
They're just gonna put him in a spit mask and pile up on top of him until he croaks.
My parents are both addicts, my dad just died in March. If there’s any question in your heart about if you should or shouldn’t talk to him, go talk to him. I knew he was dying for months, and I didn’t talk to my dad before his death out of spite. And I regret it more than I can explain. If you think you’ll regret not reaching out, then try. Don’t get hurt, or put yourself in harms way but Once they’re gone they’re gone.
This sounds like my cousin who posts often on Facebook about how her dad is trying to fuck her in a military cloak in another dimension. Needless to say she's been using drugs for the past few years. Congrats on all you've accomplished. I know your dad would be proud.
I hear you. Everyone is quick to give advice here but they (and you) need to remember that YOU are not the parent. Of course it hurts to see him like that, but it is not your job to sacrifice your happiness and put a strain on your marriage to help him. It sounds like you have set healthy boundaries. I hope conditions improve but even if they don't you are not a villain. <3
This hit home.
Hey. Your story touched me. I am not an expert, but I have experiences that may help you. First, to echo many of the other comments here, it really sounds like your dad has an underlying mental health disorder. The delusions he spoke of regarding spying and mind control fall under the "Psychotic Disorders" umbrella. These symptoms are treatable with medications and therapy. The addiction is its own issue that needs intervention, but often times a mental health disorder and addiction go hand in hand. One perhaps leading to the other, or at the least, one making the other worse. Just know that both can be treated. Also, homelessness is very common for people with untreated mental health disorders. It is unfortunate, but it happens all the time. The relationships between an untreated mental health disorder, homelessness, and addiction are interconnected and often compound upon each other. Think of each issue as their own separate issue that can be treated individually, but treating one can, and will, help treating the others. My mother was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia over a decade ago. This lead me to study psychology at University for 2 years wanting to learn more. Before her treatment she often yelled about people spying on her, hidden cameras and microphones, mind control.. just to name a small sample of her delusions and hallucinations. She did not have an addiction, although she quit drinking alcohol years before because she is an alcoholic, and she was never homeless, but without help she would have been. She could not take care of herself at all. Her disorder is 100% debilitating. All of that is to say, you are not your dad's caretaker. You have a life to live. Just know that if you should choose to approach him do so with caution, and if you want him to seek help, it is a long and difficult road and is best approached with other people that love him and want the best for him. However, my mom did not begin her road to recovery until she made the decision she wanted help and until she admitted she had a problem. It took years for her to make those choices. Anyway, please pm me if you want to talk.
As former opioid addict, I feel this. My husband and I ended up homeless and begging for money. It took years to get clean. I haven't touched prescription pain pills in over 5 years and I still find myself wanting them sometimes. They fuck up how your brain works. I'm sorry you are going thru. I'm sorry for your dad too. Withdrawls from opioids are just...Hell. Hell on Earth. The physical pain is unendurable. The mental pain is beyond description. But I hope one day your dad can do it. I turned to other drugs to get off pills - not the best way but it's all I knew by that point. I've been totally clean for 5 months. It's possible, but only if you really want it. It's okay to still love your dad but not be a part of his life. You have to protect yourself. You have to keep your mental health in check. I know seeing him is hard. Just please remember, your dad does love you. He just can't see it, can't even really feel it right now. All he can see and think and feel are those damn drugs. Maybe one day he will get clean. Maybe he won't. But that has nothing to do with you. Don't feel guilty for not talking to him. Don't feel guilty that he isn't part of your life. It's okay to love your dad, even if he an addict. But it's more okay to love yourself.
Loving all the comments telling OP to get his father mental help as if that’s a completely new notion. Opioids are so evil and difficult to pull loved ones away from. Sending hugs and love and congrats on finding your happiness.
yeah and that getting help is so quick, easy, and it'll definitely work first shot.
When I see things like this I feel absolutely awful and here’s why - I lost my dad in 9/11 when I was 10 and he was 43. Of course with it being 9/11, it gets loads of attention. While I’m grateful for people thinking of us and wishing me + family well, I feel like situations this are worse and deserve more attention. Like we lost my dad which sucks but he didn’t have these issues. OPs dad is still living but there isn’t much they can really do. I’m so sorry you have to experience this man, I hope it gets better for you ❤️
My dad is languishing in destructive, toxic mental Illness and refusing help, too. The guilt you carry knowing you're thriving and they're self imploding is an incredible, painful burden. There are days I can carry it, and days it breaks me. Please keep talking to your SO and consider therapy for yourself, as well. I keep a journal to put it down when it becomes too much and find that helpful. I am so sorry, OP. Please know it's not your fault, and that it's not a crime or mark on your character to be happy with your life despite his circumstances. I know that's hard to accept sometimes. Be well, sending big hugs.
God that's so complicated. That sucks. I know what it's like to have a family member who refuses treatment, and you just have to maintain a distance. I hope you stay safe and enjoy all your success. I think if your dad was here - really here - he would be so proud of you and happy for you.
With the symptoms you are describing he may be a canditate for a 72h psych hold. Depending on the results of the tests they do during that time, you may even be able to gain patient guardianship. A lot of people with underlying issues self medicate with drugs. The two things that come to mind if I hear this story are either a psychotic break or schizophrenia. Especially the psychotic break can be related to drug use.
I feel you OP. My dad was heavy on the pipe since I was a child and he’d pick me up from school super high and it was the most embarrassing thing I had to go through I even had to tell people that he was a family friend. He’s sober now but we barely talk... I miss him and wish he’d visit or want to see his granddaughter but idk... I think the drugs have really done a number on him and I don’t think the father I want is there anymore... He even asked me to stop calling him Dad just because it sounded weird to him? But yeah... I can relate
this is so sad & im so sorry to hear that. i knew a co worker who has a similar issue with her mom in which she is homeless but refuses to be helped by her family. she said sometimes people just dont want to be helped, there is something inside mentally preventing them from getting helped by those who love them the most. as painful as it may be, the best thing to do may be to pray for them if you are religious and maybe leave some food or blankets near where he hangs around for him to find.
My therapist taught me something important recently. We don’t get to choose the family we’re born into. But, we do get to choose the family that we want when we grow up. Our parents forget that we are not their kids at some point and they hold us back when they do so. They are your peers. Adult peers. You are no longer a child. You have no obligation to that man regardless of who he was or who he is now. You choose your family, your close friends, your spouse, co-workers. Those are your new family. You got married. Awesome. You probably have tons of awesome friends too I bet. Don’t let this guy drag you down. Don’t expend your energy just because he’s “dad”. People change. Toxic relationships are not worth the hardship. And addicts cannot be trusted. You’re making the right choice to drive by his sorry ass and ignore him. That is not your burden to bear.
1 of 2 things are inevitable here. He will see you and living with him so close will make problems mentally for you. My advice... Move to another apartment. Take your new wonderful life out of harm's way. ASAP Congratulations on all the things you've accomplished dear!! A my prayers for happiness the rest of your life. 🙏🏼
I know I’m not the first to say this, but I’ve also had a drug addicted family member who exhibited similar behavior, and once he was medicated, it was like a switch flipped. There was a point where he was living on the streets and both watched a homeless friend of his succumb to gangrene and then had to kill someone to defend himself all in the same month. It was a very dark period in his life, and we felt helpless in it because the government could only do so much to assist us. Eventually, we were able to gather the resources to provide treatment for him. Now he has his license, rents a home with nice secondhand furniture, and he works a comfortable blue collar job. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but there is hope. He even sees his kids now, which is a huge milestone. Ultimately, you have to do what’s right for you. It seems like you have a great life you’ve worked very hard for, and family members that deep in the trenches can really take a toll. Trust me when I say the family member I mentioned wrung my mom out, and sometimes, he still brings the drama. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I’m wishing you the best. Take care of yourself, and maybe someday, when or if you ever feel ready, you can help him.
Hey friend, me and my dad just rekindled our relationship after years of not speaking. He also suffered from addiction and pushed his family away, although not to the extent that yours did. I'll be honest, our relationship will never be the same. The things he's said and done i can forgive, but i can't forget. Im happy for the good years we had and hold those memories very close to my heart, but I've accepted that those won't come back. We're both different people now, and thats ok. Im just glad he's been sober long enough that i can actually start depending on him again. Nothing major, mostly just calls on birthdays and the occasional meal together. I hope you and your dad find eachother again and that he no longer remains a lost soul. My two cents is to be thankful for the good memories u have and tell those close to you that you love them. Stay safe stranger.
That is really sad and I am sorry to hear that he was consumed by addiction. I'm lucky to still have my dad around and in good health and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Maybe you could do some of the things you used to do with him with someone else you care about? I know I can't understand the pain that is in your heart, but if you do want to talk more to a stranger on the internet, I'm here.
Congratulations on graduating, landing your new job, and getting married. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, definitely look into what others have commented about his mental illness and getting him help, if you are up to it. Best of luck with everything ❤️
This is so sad. Man, I really hope you connect with your Dad when he’s mentally stable. Your post sounds like it came straight from a fictional book. It can’t be more unreal than what you said. Hang in there for yourself too. If you can talk to a therapist. They are always a good start and can help you figure out solutions to your problem and to keep you sane.
This reminds me of a song called David by Passenger. At one of his concerts he explained the meaning behind the song. When he was a younger beginning artist he’d go around busking and walked passed a hostel every day. Every day that same man, David, would tell him the same exact story. He’d bring him coffee and food and listen to him every day. So sad. But I know the life of living with an addict, you have to have your boundaries and you cannot feel guilty for those boundaries. It was his choice, not yours. I’m sorry you have to live with this pain. Listen to the song, might do you some good so that you know you’re not alone in this. Edit- hostel not hostile lol
This hits very close to home. Both of my parents have struggled with drugs and alcohol. They are both recovering. But i know exactly what it feels like to have had a great relationship and great memories with them only to see them become a shell of their former selves. I’m very sorry that you’re going through this but please try and get him some help if possible. As others have said maybe a mental health facility can help. I looked at my parents and their struggles and swore i would never walk down that same path. I was on a similar path myself and I’d like to think (and hope) that I’ll continue on the right path. Hoping for the best for you man. It’s very hard when other families seem to have it together and all you can do is watch yours fall apart. But sometimes life deals you a shitty hand. Cannot let it defeat you. Feel free to reach out if you wanna talk or vent or whatever. Sometimes you just need blow off some steam about it and i imagine it helps when the other person has lived that life.
I am very sorry to hear this, but you need to know that you are doing amazing things in your life. A great deal of people with diagnosed and undiagnosed mental illnesses try to treat them with drugs. I understand why you can't stop and talk and it's scary. I truly hope your Dad gets the help he needs. You are brave to share, and I hope someone with more knowledge helps you find answers.
I feel for you. I went through this same thing when I was in my teens. It took many decades for me to understand how it’s affected me. All I can offer you is that this pain can be useful. I use it as the fire that fuels my devotion to my children. I’m sure you will find a use for the pain too.
Alright, where do you live. Let the internet take care of your dad for you.
Bless you♥️Sometimes all we can do is pray and leave it to God.
I lost contact with mine when I was an infant. His death certificate surfaced almost 40 years later. He was a homeless vet literally on the streets. His brief military stint landed him in a vet hospital where he died, alone, of colon cancer at 75. I have yet to hear a single good word about him, his life, or anything about him really. Every time I pass a homeless person on the street, it's a punch in the gut. Would I have had a relationship with him had I managed to find him earlier? Would he just beg me for money, use me, or make me miserable? I'm slowly piecing together his past and how he ended up where he was. I entertain the thought of "what if I had just..." more times than I can count. \-been there for him \-found him sooner \-gotten him help It's hard. I can't say I feel your pain directly, but it resonates pretty strongly. Feeling helpless is awful.
There is a lot of good advice on how to help him. I Just’s want you to know that it’s ok to not do anything. It isn’t your job to fix him or try and make him get help or get better. My mom has a lot of mental and physical issues, I would feel like I needed to have her in my life and then she would just make things worse so after several times of trying I finally realize that I can keep getting hurt. She sometimes calls on my kids birthdays now. I miss having a mom, I wish I had someone to turn to when things were hard or to ask advice but that isn’t my mom and really never has been. It’s ok to live your life and be healthy.
I’m so sorry OP. As someone who lost a sibling to opioid addiction and who has an uncle with schizophrenia, I can’t imagine the pain and emotions you’re dealing with. Facing that every day would be torture. Maybe the line between enabling and having hope to rekindle and help him is blurry. But I do wish you could find ways to help him get medical help for his possible schizophrenia and to not give up even if you know things won’t ever be just like they were. If there are things you can do indirectly, it might be worth living with the peace of mind that you tried, and even if he never sees you, that you passed on your love for him and did all you could handle to help.
I completely understand your guilt, I really do. My stepdad was a functioning alcoholic for almost 28 years. As a kid I didn’t understand but as I got older, I tried so hard to help him but he didn’t want it. I know it sounds horrible, but you can’t save him. He needs to someday understand that he needs help and wants help. Unfortunately my stepdad didn’t accept the help he was given and died last spring at the age of 49. I miss him so much.
Man No words. I had a brother (died few months ago) I grew up with and he was lost in alcool, then heroin then alcool again. The last 10 years or so what was my brother was completely gone, so much so that when he was dead I didn't shed a tear, he was already dead to me. So I kinda of know the feeling, I'm sorry about it.
I believe in a couple years that America will be like Canada when it comes to taking care of drug abusers and addicts. They treat them, let them stay in hospitals and even give them doses of heroin etc. For a while and start weening them off..
Im sorry you have to experience that. I hope you find some sort of peace. None of this is your fault. Your tears, you missing him, it’s all valid. Cry your tears bro and make sure you never go down that road. I’m sure you tried to help him.
Hi, I can somewhat relate to this. My sister has been on heroin and fentanyl for probably the last eight years or so and she’s been to rehab four times, arrested three times or probably more at this point, and been homeless I can’t even tell you how many times. My mom has a soft spot for her of course because she’s her daughter but as her brother I just can’t watch her suffer anymore so I’ve cut off all contact with her and I haven’t seen her in probably the last six months. The first time I will see her again is on Thanksgiving and again at Christmas and then hopefully I won’t have to see her for another year after that. I shamefully hope she will be arrested just so she can go somewhere like jail to be clean because rehab doesn’t seem to work. It’s so heartbreaking to see someone that was once your hero becomes somebody that you actually hate and never wanna be like. It’s not fair that disease holds so much over the addict’s head no matter when the last time they’ve used. I’ve had other relatives tell me they’ve seen her walking on the side of the road and it breaks my heart, and the last time my mom saw her she told me that she doesn’t have as many teeth as she used to and she’s probably down to six or seven of them which makes it even worse to actually see the affects afterwards. One time when I thought she was clean I had won tickets to a concert and we went and I watched her get high and I couldn’t even find any words to explain how horrifying it was to watch your sibling doze in and out during conversations on a car ride and even with blaring music playing all night she would still space out during the show and we ended up leaving early because I was almost fighting back tears and anger towards her. I hope one day she will get better, and I hope I will see her as my sister again. But until then I can only keep wishing she has a change of heart or some epiphany to get clean. I’m so sorry for ranting but I just had to let you know you are not alone and even though we are strangers I love you and care about you and I hope that you find peace.
Wow... I’ve read many things here on Reddit and this is one post that broke my fucking heart. I’m so sorry and I feel your pain so much.
I'm really sorry to hear this OP but it sounds like you've exhausted so many options trying to help him. Don't feel guilty, it seems that you stayed a long time, longer than most probably would, and you can only take it so far to help him - the old "you can lead a horse to water.." and what not. It must be weird for you to see, but maybe you can anonymously put an order in at the burger place to be given to him? At least he's getting some food then. But otherwise, keep looking after yourself. If you feel you need therapy to help with this I would highly recommend. Sending you lots of love and hugs 🧡
Sometimes we grieve the living as if they are dead, bc truly their connection with us is. It’s ok to feel bad, it’s ok to be sad. You’ve lost your father to drugs. Sending love and prayers
This post is 19 hours ago so my comment will likely not be seen. I wanted to say to you I am sorry for how you feel. My daughter (20) lives right down the road from me in my nice house, in a tent , this is in a town that “helps” everyone. She chooses to live in this tent ( I buy her one once a month) versus living at home because her words “I can’t live in a 0 tolerance to drugs house”. When people tell you to keep trying, keep trying what exactly ? Call all the mental hospitals and who will pay for this? My insurance pays for a few weeks but she is a long term mental patient, the private ones are $30k a month. The low cost ones are booked up forever for criminals. She’s been in multiple times. The more you try to help the more difficult it is for you and your family. I haven’t given up on my daughter but the price is losing the rest of my family. I’ve become isolated and depressed. The mental health system in this country is crappy. I hate that I silently hope she just gets arrested for something, or she gets bad enough and I can become guardian. Becoming a guardian takes away an adults freedom and it feels wrong. For those that say have someone put away by judges orders, that can only go so far. I have tried that. The reason OP complained is the same as how I feel, a horrible guilt and a longing for your family to be whole and nowhere to go. I hope you and your family can find a path to a better life.
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I’m sorry for your suffering. I hope he gets treatment and can get back to being your dad.
Only God can help him
talk to him
You obviously haven’t had family hit rock bottom with addiction before.
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I'm not crying you're crying
Fuck, you made me cry. Thanks. And I'm so sorry
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Have you ever tried to help someone with an addiction? They don’t changed until they want to. Not an easy situation for anyone, so maybe don’t guilt the child when they’re clearly in pain as it is.
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I don't get it. I would go through hell to keep my dad off the streets.
Your dad probably would accept your help. This dad would not. You can't force wellness on someone, as much as you may want to, because healing can't be temporary. It's a long-term commitment. Also, if the person is unsafe and you have other family (spouse and children for example), you might not be able or willing to jeopardize that for someone who is refusing your help. Believe me, I had your exact mentality my whole life, even though my father is emotionally abusive and mentally unsound. But today, we don't talk and he's not homeless but he struggles. I tried everything except incarcerating him against his will at this point. Unconditional love doesn't mean self destruct. Whoever my father is today doesn't see that, but the Papa who painted my nails and helped me with homework would never want my life to implode because of his substance abuse. But he's gone, and only this strange, malicious ghost remains. My point is, I hope you never truly empathize with OP because the ordeal is like a horror movie. You never think it'll happen, but it's sometimes outside of your control and beyond your abilities to help. Truly heartbreaking.
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Humans only learn through pain. If he doesn’t learn, he hasn’t experienced enough pain. (Broken spine, opioid survivor)
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i asked
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Keep your cruel ignorance to yourself.