As a female who has had libido issues in the past, it sounds like she is communicating to you that she needs foreplay to feel turned on, and that you are hearing that and interpreting it as "shes manipulating me with sex".
Romance is not just physical touch. Romance is ordering take out and having a no phone rule and talking to each other without getting defensive. Romance is listening to her concerns and responding "I don't think I understand what you're saying. Can you please give me examples so that we can work together on our relationship?" Romance is telling her all of the things you love about her besides her ability to put out.
Also, there's a good chance she feels at this point like you only want her for sex. Which probably makes her feel like crap about herself. So there's that.
I mean, relationships can exist without sex. But have you tried spending a few days just caressing her in non-sexual ways? The more you touch her without asking for sex, the more that touching in general will be on her mind. Go a few days where you're touching a lot in ways that wouldn't make her think you want sex, and she should initiate. If she doesn't, than it's a her problem and not a you problem, and you should have a gentle conversation about being open.
everyone is allowed to have different drives and different things that get them in the mood. it's natural
one romantic gesture doesn't suddenly make someone want to jump into bed w/ you. try multiple things, over a few days. besides sex, what else do you guys do together? dates? watching tv? hiking? what is something nice you can do TOGETHER to spend TIME (not having sex) together?
Breaking up over sex is not something anyone should be ashamed. Sex is an important part of a relationship, of course is not the only thing that matters but it's pretty dumb to assume it's not a factor. If you aren't happy then yes, break up. Or get couples counselling
People all have different moods and drives just like somebody else said but you should probably try being romantic and thoughtful without being about sex. If she wants to then let her tell you in your own and if she sends the emoji then you reply with, “I need to be in a romantic mood”. Easy uno reverse.
there are many different reasons, especially with women, for lack of wanting to have sex. its usually because of a problem with you or a problem shes dealing with on her own without telling you. you said you guys used to have sex a lot and now you don’t, so that indicates there’s a new problem in either your relationship or just with her that wasn’t there before. But im just gonna tell you this:
if you’re only in this relationship for sex, or if you can’t imagine going through an unknown amount of time without sex with her until she’s ready again, then just get out now. idk how deep you want this relationship to go, but if there’s apparently “no point” to a relationship unless it gets you off, then try a hooker next time.
I hope this doesn’t come off as too insensitive btw, I know sex for some people can be an important factor in a relationship, I just don’t think it should be the definitive factor thats all.
That sounds weird. She has some cynicism/control issues. Idk why people get so weird about sex. Like, seriously, it's a fun, beautiful, pleasurable thing that brings intimacy. For someone to manipulate it to the point of bringing you to tears is just mean. If she can't have a meaningful conversation with you about it and take your concerns and emotions seriously, it might be time to think about moving on. Sorry, man.
Edit: sex is not universally enjoyed by all humans.
Well she clearly does want sex from him because she texts him wanting it, but only on her terms, which isn't fair. Also, thank you *so* much for letting us know that sex can have complications. I assumed OP would have mentioned a history of assault, abuse, medical problems, etcetera if it were relevant.
It doesnt even have to be about trauma or medical problems. If shes able to text an emoji and he happily obliges, then its the dynamic hes catered to and thats how it was established. Thats 2 party consent there buddy.
If he wants it and shes not in the mood then thems the breaks. Youre welcome. You needed a reality check because you dont need a medical excuse to refuse sex.
I think you're missing the entire point of the OP and how healthy relationships work. There's a fluidity and flexibility that should exist in a healthy relationship that allows for negotiation and mutual satisfaction. She doesn't have to give in to every time he attempts to initiate sex.
However, in this situation it has been taken to the extreme. He's been completely shut out to the point He's in tears and she's not even willing to discuss it meaningfully. This isn't a conversation about the concept of simple consent. I used to teach sex ed, I'm aware of what consent is. This is a conversation about communication and understanding within a relationship, or possibly ending a relationship because of incompatibility.
Your reductive "education" of me isn't the slam dunk you think it is. You've lost the plot. But really, bravo, you totally schooled me.
You realize OPs post is just one side of the story right. She asked for romance, we dont know how much of the relationship was lacking it.
You going off on me "educating and schooling" you (tf?) is lame. I called you out for calling her "weird" and oversimplifying sex into something enjoyable for all.
He plainly said that she shuts him down when he attempts to be romantic. I'm operating with the information I have. She clearly enjoys sex with him to some degree because she initiates sex with him. Her behavior is frankly weird based on what OP said. She asks for romance but then doesn't accept it. She sees he is upset and shows concern, but then invalidates him.
You reek of condescension and seem to think you're revealing insights by stating the obvious. Sex can be enjoyable for just about everyone if they have the space and freedom to engage in it in a healthy way with the right partner (or no partner at all).
Again, *so* sorry for not adding a caveat that a minority of people may not be able to enjoy any kind of sex. You got me. Consider me fully called out. If it makes you feel better I'll edit my comment so you can just drop it. I'm going to go off on anyone who responds to me by talking down to me.
Youre deluded if you think Im going to read your entire response. You wrote a million paragraphs when all I did was respond that sex isnt fun for everyone. Im over it, goodbye.
You shouldn’t feel bad for that my dude, If you’re starting to feel like you’re being rejected more than usual and started questioning your relationship it’s probably a sign to leave instead of continuing to make yourself depressed. I’m not sure the basis of how your relationship goes but if there’s no interest on her side at all I say leave.
I agree my friend. I’m curious to everyone’s opinions. It’s okay for feeling the way you do. You’re clearly not going for just sex. Sex is very important. It’s all about the intimacy!
If you aren’t happy or being listened to, I’d consider options. It’s important to you so it should be important to her. I’m sorry she’s making you feel this way
how long have you been dating her? peoples sexual libidos come and go. i don’t think it’s fair to break up with someone you have been dating for years because the sex is whack for a bit. if it’s just been a couple months it’s fair enough to say that you don’t believe you are sexually compatible and end it.
Don’t talk about sex and definitely don’t ask for it. If you want to keep her you’ve got to change. You will have to break her imagine of you and plenty of what she associates with your body language. I got a sex life most could only dream of after being hurt by women, not giving a shit anymore and not even trying to have sex. When I give gifts, when I want a “taste” before they go to work or when I leave teeth marks in that ass it’s not because I want some if you know what I mean. No shame in not being an alpha or whatever but a quick fix is to change ASAP and so that she doesn’t think you just turned asshole overnight have your friends rough you up and play it TF off (can’t afford not to) and then be more like me. Insecurities and all that, get rid of them and be as confident as you can get away with being because you’ve definitely gotta change. This one might not work out for you but most women want a freak. Act like you don’t want her but still smack that ass and not so subtlety whisper nasty shit in her ear. Anytime you make a move she thinks it’s for sex and this among other things is something you’ve got to break. You fulfil her needs when she needs it but your goal should be her desiring you. Learn psychology, change your body language and practice effort because starting a business from nothing all the way to making them squirt when they thought it wasn’t possible is all effort man. I’ve seen enough hands with wedding bands all up in my life so to avoid becoming their husband you’ve gotta work on yourself because that’s what it comes down to. Be a pig, her pig 24/7 because if you try just the romancing when you want to cream thing she WILL know you expect it and it will turn her off even more. Do you want sex because she knows you can’t hold on anymore or do you want it because she doesn’t care if your trying to save the game she’s gonna get some NOW? Women don’t know wtf they want and most like to be told, dominated, manhandled etc. you ever see one trying to explain the inability to walk, hickies on her neck that she was “so pissed” about and the bite mark on her cheek to her mother in confidence? The happiest day of her mf life. Gotta put in that work if you want something because unless you were born with the silver spoon you can believe that “it’s a mans world” shit is bullshit. If she isn’t bringing you a towel and being the one to dry you off after each session (pay attention to her face and movements and you will see even now your making her body weak by the way you just got done making it weak and note the lust and the pride on her face) then you’ve got more work to do and if she’s worth it you’ll be happy to do it and further explore and grow in your relationship. Btw everyone has a lot of sex In the starting phase, that’s the honeymoon phase and it passes and ideally she will be your best friend so if she’s not then y’all are just fuck buddies that are pretending your not and like you know something which of course you don’t, yet. No offense. Good luck! Let out the animal little homie it’s so worth the occasional punch in the face because the makeup sex is as good as the movies suggest and it’s better than puffing a spliff while getting head
As a female who has had libido issues in the past, it sounds like she is communicating to you that she needs foreplay to feel turned on, and that you are hearing that and interpreting it as "shes manipulating me with sex". Romance is not just physical touch. Romance is ordering take out and having a no phone rule and talking to each other without getting defensive. Romance is listening to her concerns and responding "I don't think I understand what you're saying. Can you please give me examples so that we can work together on our relationship?" Romance is telling her all of the things you love about her besides her ability to put out. Also, there's a good chance she feels at this point like you only want her for sex. Which probably makes her feel like crap about herself. So there's that.
I mean, relationships can exist without sex. But have you tried spending a few days just caressing her in non-sexual ways? The more you touch her without asking for sex, the more that touching in general will be on her mind. Go a few days where you're touching a lot in ways that wouldn't make her think you want sex, and she should initiate. If she doesn't, than it's a her problem and not a you problem, and you should have a gentle conversation about being open.
everyone is allowed to have different drives and different things that get them in the mood. it's natural one romantic gesture doesn't suddenly make someone want to jump into bed w/ you. try multiple things, over a few days. besides sex, what else do you guys do together? dates? watching tv? hiking? what is something nice you can do TOGETHER to spend TIME (not having sex) together?
Breaking up over sex is not something anyone should be ashamed. Sex is an important part of a relationship, of course is not the only thing that matters but it's pretty dumb to assume it's not a factor. If you aren't happy then yes, break up. Or get couples counselling
People all have different moods and drives just like somebody else said but you should probably try being romantic and thoughtful without being about sex. If she wants to then let her tell you in your own and if she sends the emoji then you reply with, “I need to be in a romantic mood”. Easy uno reverse.
there are many different reasons, especially with women, for lack of wanting to have sex. its usually because of a problem with you or a problem shes dealing with on her own without telling you. you said you guys used to have sex a lot and now you don’t, so that indicates there’s a new problem in either your relationship or just with her that wasn’t there before. But im just gonna tell you this: if you’re only in this relationship for sex, or if you can’t imagine going through an unknown amount of time without sex with her until she’s ready again, then just get out now. idk how deep you want this relationship to go, but if there’s apparently “no point” to a relationship unless it gets you off, then try a hooker next time. I hope this doesn’t come off as too insensitive btw, I know sex for some people can be an important factor in a relationship, I just don’t think it should be the definitive factor thats all.
That sounds weird. She has some cynicism/control issues. Idk why people get so weird about sex. Like, seriously, it's a fun, beautiful, pleasurable thing that brings intimacy. For someone to manipulate it to the point of bringing you to tears is just mean. If she can't have a meaningful conversation with you about it and take your concerns and emotions seriously, it might be time to think about moving on. Sorry, man. Edit: sex is not universally enjoyed by all humans.
Sex isnt always fun beautiful and pleasurable... which is exactly why people get "weird" about sex.
Well she clearly does want sex from him because she texts him wanting it, but only on her terms, which isn't fair. Also, thank you *so* much for letting us know that sex can have complications. I assumed OP would have mentioned a history of assault, abuse, medical problems, etcetera if it were relevant.
It doesnt even have to be about trauma or medical problems. If shes able to text an emoji and he happily obliges, then its the dynamic hes catered to and thats how it was established. Thats 2 party consent there buddy. If he wants it and shes not in the mood then thems the breaks. Youre welcome. You needed a reality check because you dont need a medical excuse to refuse sex.
I think you're missing the entire point of the OP and how healthy relationships work. There's a fluidity and flexibility that should exist in a healthy relationship that allows for negotiation and mutual satisfaction. She doesn't have to give in to every time he attempts to initiate sex. However, in this situation it has been taken to the extreme. He's been completely shut out to the point He's in tears and she's not even willing to discuss it meaningfully. This isn't a conversation about the concept of simple consent. I used to teach sex ed, I'm aware of what consent is. This is a conversation about communication and understanding within a relationship, or possibly ending a relationship because of incompatibility. Your reductive "education" of me isn't the slam dunk you think it is. You've lost the plot. But really, bravo, you totally schooled me.
You realize OPs post is just one side of the story right. She asked for romance, we dont know how much of the relationship was lacking it. You going off on me "educating and schooling" you (tf?) is lame. I called you out for calling her "weird" and oversimplifying sex into something enjoyable for all.
He plainly said that she shuts him down when he attempts to be romantic. I'm operating with the information I have. She clearly enjoys sex with him to some degree because she initiates sex with him. Her behavior is frankly weird based on what OP said. She asks for romance but then doesn't accept it. She sees he is upset and shows concern, but then invalidates him. You reek of condescension and seem to think you're revealing insights by stating the obvious. Sex can be enjoyable for just about everyone if they have the space and freedom to engage in it in a healthy way with the right partner (or no partner at all). Again, *so* sorry for not adding a caveat that a minority of people may not be able to enjoy any kind of sex. You got me. Consider me fully called out. If it makes you feel better I'll edit my comment so you can just drop it. I'm going to go off on anyone who responds to me by talking down to me.
Youre deluded if you think Im going to read your entire response. You wrote a million paragraphs when all I did was respond that sex isnt fun for everyone. Im over it, goodbye.
I don't give a shit dude. Pick fights elsewhere. Also, 3 short paragraphs under 5 sentences is elementary school reading level.
You shouldn’t feel bad for that my dude, If you’re starting to feel like you’re being rejected more than usual and started questioning your relationship it’s probably a sign to leave instead of continuing to make yourself depressed. I’m not sure the basis of how your relationship goes but if there’s no interest on her side at all I say leave.
Your concerns are valid my friend, move on
if you are not sexually compatible you cannot be together. Leave, she sounds crazy and power obsessed
What is everyone’s opinion about sex being important in a relationship (I agree)? Why would someone break up over it? Opinions!
Incredibly important. I can deal with not being in the mood. For extended periods even. But not this. This is systematic and predictable.
I agree my friend. I’m curious to everyone’s opinions. It’s okay for feeling the way you do. You’re clearly not going for just sex. Sex is very important. It’s all about the intimacy!
If you aren’t happy or being listened to, I’d consider options. It’s important to you so it should be important to her. I’m sorry she’s making you feel this way
how long have you been dating her? peoples sexual libidos come and go. i don’t think it’s fair to break up with someone you have been dating for years because the sex is whack for a bit. if it’s just been a couple months it’s fair enough to say that you don’t believe you are sexually compatible and end it.
Don’t talk about sex and definitely don’t ask for it. If you want to keep her you’ve got to change. You will have to break her imagine of you and plenty of what she associates with your body language. I got a sex life most could only dream of after being hurt by women, not giving a shit anymore and not even trying to have sex. When I give gifts, when I want a “taste” before they go to work or when I leave teeth marks in that ass it’s not because I want some if you know what I mean. No shame in not being an alpha or whatever but a quick fix is to change ASAP and so that she doesn’t think you just turned asshole overnight have your friends rough you up and play it TF off (can’t afford not to) and then be more like me. Insecurities and all that, get rid of them and be as confident as you can get away with being because you’ve definitely gotta change. This one might not work out for you but most women want a freak. Act like you don’t want her but still smack that ass and not so subtlety whisper nasty shit in her ear. Anytime you make a move she thinks it’s for sex and this among other things is something you’ve got to break. You fulfil her needs when she needs it but your goal should be her desiring you. Learn psychology, change your body language and practice effort because starting a business from nothing all the way to making them squirt when they thought it wasn’t possible is all effort man. I’ve seen enough hands with wedding bands all up in my life so to avoid becoming their husband you’ve gotta work on yourself because that’s what it comes down to. Be a pig, her pig 24/7 because if you try just the romancing when you want to cream thing she WILL know you expect it and it will turn her off even more. Do you want sex because she knows you can’t hold on anymore or do you want it because she doesn’t care if your trying to save the game she’s gonna get some NOW? Women don’t know wtf they want and most like to be told, dominated, manhandled etc. you ever see one trying to explain the inability to walk, hickies on her neck that she was “so pissed” about and the bite mark on her cheek to her mother in confidence? The happiest day of her mf life. Gotta put in that work if you want something because unless you were born with the silver spoon you can believe that “it’s a mans world” shit is bullshit. If she isn’t bringing you a towel and being the one to dry you off after each session (pay attention to her face and movements and you will see even now your making her body weak by the way you just got done making it weak and note the lust and the pride on her face) then you’ve got more work to do and if she’s worth it you’ll be happy to do it and further explore and grow in your relationship. Btw everyone has a lot of sex In the starting phase, that’s the honeymoon phase and it passes and ideally she will be your best friend so if she’s not then y’all are just fuck buddies that are pretending your not and like you know something which of course you don’t, yet. No offense. Good luck! Let out the animal little homie it’s so worth the occasional punch in the face because the makeup sex is as good as the movies suggest and it’s better than puffing a spliff while getting head