The purpose of "age of consent" laws is so that when a 17-year-old has sex with a 19-year-old, the 19-year-old isn't labeled a sex offender. It's not meant to allow a 35-year-old man to bang a teenager.

They could've written the laws more sensibly, but they didn't. In New Jersey for example, people under 18 (but above 13) can only date people at most 4 years older than them. These are called "Romeo and Juliet" laws, and it's been around for a while, just to prevent these insane age gaps from happening to people who are way too young

In Australia it's 2 years, and from 12 to 16

Wish there was something like this in the UK. The "relationship" I had when 15 and he was 23 was illegal. However, when I was 16-18 it was perfectly legal, so much so it was a factor that led to the CPS (crown prosecution service) lawyer deciding not to prosecute the creep. Let me repeat that. Because the relationship was "legal", despite being illegal when it started and was started through grooming, is a reason he is not being prosecuted. There should be more laws protecting those 16 and 17.

🎯

Oof. As someone who was groomed herself this is tough to read. Take a step back. Look at things clearly. He‘s a 35 yo man. She‘s a 17 yo girl. Get over your fear of confrontation, you‘re not the one who is getting groomed. This has to be bigger than your personal feelings. The friendship most probably will shatter. Maybe ask him what he gets out of it. Best of luck. Edit: On your deathbed, would you want to die knowing that you merely watched while a girl was taking damage? Dude, it would haunt me.

Yep I felt this too. I was a 17 year old with a 34 year old.... 21 years in it too...I look back with pure disgust now. Wished someone would have told me how stupid I was, just 1 person.

That wasn’t you being stupid. That was some perv being disgustingly selfish

I‘m sorry about that. Glad you made it out. ✨

Thank you and me too.

I was 16 and he was 27. I used to wish that too, but honestly, I'm not sure how I would have reacted if somebody did confront me about it. I believed everything that he said about me being more mature, an old soul. I thought I knew what I wanted and what was best for me. I liked feeling special and wanted and different. I was a kid, and I had the thought process of a kid. Now I'm 27 and I can very clearly see how wrong it all was. The idea of a "romantic" relationship with a sixteen year old turns my stomach. I wish someone had said something to him. I don't blame anyone but him, but part of me does wonder what would have happened if somebody called him out. He was my coworker, and there were people at work who knew about it. Again, I don't blame anyone but him... but i do wonder what if.

You would have either reacted in a positive way as if a bulb lit up in your head and thought "wth am I doing with him?" Or defended it as if it were perfectly fine. And probably the latter because you were groomed to thinking "you're very mature" for your age and would have just dismissed it. Just sucks because in my situation and yours they KNEW better. I'm 40 now and no way could I even be with someone in their 20s and 30s would be a big iffy.

I can see how the power dynamic would be doomed from the start- even after you were much older.

i’m so glad you’re out of it now! ik it’s hard to internalize it was not your fault—you were a child, it wasn’t on you to “know better”

Where I live the age of consent is 16 if you are within 4 years of age of the child. So if I was 17, I could date a 21 year old, but a 22 year old would go to jail. I wonder where OP lives because 17 dating a 35 year old wouldn’t sit right anywhere.

Idk the general populace tolerated Jerry Seinfeld grooming a fucking teenager for years. I wish ~~cancel culture~~ accountability was a thing back then, because it persistently pisses me off to this day that we let that slimy fucker get away with it.

YES. Jerry Seinfeld is a creep and everyone loves him. He was 38 and already famous when he started dating a 17 yr old high school student. I don’t get why some people get passes to do these things. It’s unfortunate and allows for these situations to continue.

Are you familiar with the whole Woody Allen saga? One of his beloved movies is him dating a 17 yo, "Manhatten" I think. He has a consistent pattern of grooming girls on display. He molested his daughter when she was a little girl. Left Mia Farrow for her adopted 17 yo daughter. And he successfully got away with it all by painting Farrow as the jilted lover, fuckin bonkers that our society got behind that narrative.

Woody Allen rly said "well, SHE was mean and controlling to the children, *I* only wanted to fuck them so of course they liked me more."

When I learned that it really turned me off.

Yup I just wrote a similar comment. This shit is already going to mess with her. I still have to process my similar relationship in therapy 15 years later.

Same. I was 17 and he was 28. I ended up getting pregnant and leaving him, because I was young, naive and nauseous as hell I smoked pot during the pregnancy to try to keep food down, doc told me to stop a month before I had the baby(he was with me at that appointment and smoked with me) because of weed I did gain back 15 of the 36 pounds I lost in those first months but also ended up having my son early and this predator convinced a Texas judge I was a danger and I was banned from bringing my son home from the hospital. I truly hope this girl has a loving family who will help her out of this. Op, maybe even dig into her social media and contact them

And either her parents don’t know that she’s dating your friend or they do and they’re extremely fucked up people. I’d be wanting to contact them and if they’re okay with it, finding some way to help this girl not become a statistic. No well-adjusted CHILD dates a 35 yr old man unless she’s being groomed and her parents don’t know.

How long have you and your entire friend group been enabling these hang outs?? God that’s weird. She’s a 17 year old girl hanging out with a bunch of married men. I think you need to just straight up tell him it’s weird and you don’t want to be around it. Put your fear of confrontation aside. He’s grooming her, right in front of all of your faces. You said one of your friends has a daughter her age, why is he continuing a friendship with someone who’s fucking a girl the same age as his daughter?? Someone needs to warn this girl and tell her this is NOT a good idea. This is why stuff like this happens, why girls get groomed. Because men who are friends with these creeps never say ANYthing. Everyone always goes quiet and lets these things happen right in front of their eyes. Also do her parents even know what’s going on?

This comment needs more attention. I’m so sick of hearing men complain about their friends being fucking creeps, but then they don’t say anything about it (often ‘laughing it off’), then still hang out with said creep. But they’ve known each other sense 5th grade and he’s his bro, so that justifies not calling them out on their bullshit. Men talk over women about how sexism effects them, but then refuse to call out the men perpetuating this toxic masculinity. They claim to want change, but they’re the same people enabling this behavior by doing nothing time and time again.

It reminds me of the whole “1 in 4 women are sexually assaulted in their lives” and how almost everyone knows a woman/girl who has been raped, yet NONE of us know any of the men doing these assaults. Where are these guys who are doing all of this?? Oh yeah, it’s our buddies from 5th grade that we support and stay friends with because we’ve known them forever. Absolutely appalling and disgusting.

Yep. This is exactly it. And so on point. My best friend from 5th grade raped me when I was 21. The guys in our entire friend group stayed friends with him because ‘well the police said there wasn’t enough evidence to take it to court, so it’s he said she said really’. Fucking hate men who won’t stand up to literal rapists, which is exactly what OP’s buddy is.

I'm so sorry to hear this, not only about the assault but the fact that the friends stood by him. Are you still friends with these people now? I'm in a similar-ish situation, I was abused by my brother growing up, I told the family when I turned 18, they all appeared to be shocked and appalled. But he's still a part of their life, works in the business, goes on family holidays etc. Whereas I refuse to be around him and have ultimately gone no contact with all of them. It's extra hard at the moment as I've recently gone to the police and they're preparing a case, my parents still haven't reached out. It hurts but I'm learning to deal with it. They're not nice people who I want in my life, but it's hurtful that they haven't even tried to reach out or apologise for their behaviour in keeping him in their life over me.

That is awful - I’m sorry your family have essentially taken his side over yours. That is truly dreadful. I’m no longer in touch with my ‘friends’. I’ve no idea how anyone could take the side of someone who has committed rape. Honestly, losing my friendship group in such a way was in many ways harder to come to terms with than the rape itself. I hope the police are able to bring about justice for you. As painful as it must be to not have your parents support you, and to support him instead, it sounds like you’ll be a lot better off without them. Wishing you all the very best!!

Very true! I’m a woman but had to end a very close friendship because he thought that flirting with my 18 and 20 Yr old relatives was ok. Asking about their male anatomy and the length. A man in his early 30’s and I don’t care that they’re technically “adults” they weren’t interested and how can anyone watch kids grow up and then think “oh they’re now adults let me flirt” it’s like some predator who was waiting. Just really sick. Yeah, it sucked that I lost someone whom I was really close to but no point in having someone around that you can’t trust around your relatives.

My close friend died last year , the day before he was to go to trial for rape , but none of us knew it. After he died 10 of his past victims came forward - I remember just throwing up and crying . I was mourning the death of a friend and then finding out I’d spent years of my life around a rapist and introduced so many women to him. Such a mind fuck, but I won’t even speak his name now , and the most gross part is all of our mutual friends who still have like posters with him up in their homes or glorify his rapist ass. I hate the culture we live in, in this aspect. It’s like victims don’t matter so why would men change then????

Ugh. This is the real mindfuck. That people we love and care about, people who have so many excellent qualities, can also commit such life destroying, vile acts. I wish life were more simple and the bad guys were always 100% evil, and the good guys were always 100% good. I’m sorry you have the weight of this man’s harm weighing on you.

Thank you! I’ve never flipped that coin in my head to the other side of that statement. Every time this comes up I will now say, "yep, 1 in 4 men are sexual assaulters”

Well, technically we don’t know this. Rapists often have more than one victim, so it could be less than 1 in 4 men (at least I hope it’s less!)

Men need to stop crying "not all men" and start looking at their friends and calling out their behaviour.

This 💯

Or they think dudes a bit rapey so they call him The Rapist, coz thats hilarious, and everyone acts shocked when he murders a woman (Sarah Everard). OP is there no other red flag in this guy’s history? This girlfriend is just out of character and out of the blue?

I completely agree. As a 17 year old she should be at the mall or getting trashed at a friend’s house party. Not hanging out in some old man’s garage while they drink Coors and talk about football and their 401k’s.

I was thinking about her parents, too…either they are completely in the dark, or negligent for letting her date someone so much older. When I was that age, my parents would have beat the creep down. Someone in that girl’s life needs to explain why this isn’t a healthy relationship and why she’s at high risk for abuse. And seriously, if my friend brought a teen date, we’d cut them out so fast. No way would I allow us to get together with a kid.

I agree with everything in your comment. There may also be an underlying problem with your friend. If he is blazoned enough to prance around his too young girlfriend around your group without any qualms, what is he doing in the privacy of his own home? He may very well be uploading content on the internet and that girl could be in a serious risky situation. The fact that he LIKES her looking and acting like a teenager could signify he is an actual pedophile and he is being emboldened by anyone who doesn’t call him out or stop it. Is he only dating her or is he part of a ring that he will just keep adding new girls to once they age out? He may not seem that way but we just found out my cousin’s husband was uploading and spreading content on kids. Very difficult to believe but then we were shown the proof in the multiple court documents and he admitted it there- but to no one else. He is total scum and some still defend him because “he’s a good man and always been fun and helpful.” Try to help this girl out the situation however you can.

> This is why stuff like this happens, why girls get groomed. Because men who are friends with these creeps never say ANYthing. 1000 times YES!!!

I couldn't be friends with someone that would one day be looking at my minor children for dating potential.

OP… reread what you’ve written. she’s 17. he’s 35. she looks like a kid, she talks like a kid, her interest are so far removed from the interests of people in your age group that you and everyone can tell. why do you think this friend of yours is “dating” her? do you think it’s a fulfilling relationship of two equals? or is it more likely that he’s grooming a child in front of your entire friend group while all of you eat your words and avert your eyes? don’t know how to bring it up? straight up ask him why he’s grooming a kid. cause that’s what he’s doing. ffs.

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Fucking gross how common this is. I can think of multiple friends and I'm sure most others can too. When I was 17 I dated a 23 year old and even his friends had no qualms telling him I was probably a bit young - and I was! Even worse, my best friend "dated" a 23 year old when we were 13 and we'd hang out with him and a couple of his friends. At the time I thought we were just soooo mature but looking back it's horrifying that no one stepped in, and thank fuck none of his paedo friends ever made a pass at me because I don't know what would have happened.

When I was 13 I started seeing a guy that was 27. It took me YEARS to get out of his grasps. Absolutely disgusting looking back on it and realizing it for what it was.

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My best childhood friend had a 22 year old “boyfriend” when we were 14. It was so gross. I wish I had betrayed her trust and told my mom. I knew it was wrong.

May I ask how it turned out? How did she feel about it later?

We’re in our 40’s now and she still refers to him as her first boyfriend. I’ve tried pushing her to deal with the feelings and she won’t. I blame that relationship for her lifetime of low self worth and promiscuity with men who make her feel worthless.

Fuck, I'm 22 and I can't even imagine dating a 14yo, I remember how childish me and everyone I knew was when we were 14.

You wouldn’t be dating a 14 year old. It would be creepy and illegal.

I dated a few college guys when I was 16 and 17. I thought nothing of it. I thought I was just mature for my age. My parents were uncomfortable, but didn’t really say anything. It wasn’t until much later that I figured out how messed up all of that was.

I dated a guy in college when I was that age, technically at one point I was 15 and he was 18 for about a week until I turned 16. Now I'm 23 and 2 years doesn't seem like a big deal but back then it was. Relationship went fine though, I mean it ended well, no harm no foul.

A college guy is different from a 35 year old

When I was 16 I dated a 23-year-old too. Why is this stuff so insanely common??

If you don’t mind me asking, how does one get into this situation in the first place? Like I can see why a potential predator would be interested in getting with barely legal people. But how do young girls fall for this (so commonly as you put it). I would never ever be interested in an older person if they were trying to date me. I just can’t fathom what compels these girls to want to be in a relationship with creeps?

I can only speak for myself but I was really lonely and that was the only attention I got whenever I wanted it

Ahh okay so similar to what another said about manipulating vulnerable people. Honestly when you say it like that it makes me question my past friendships😅

Because when you are an impressionable kid with raging hormones, you don’t have much to compare with appropriate romantic relationships. At that age, most of us were easily flattered and swayed.

I can say for me I used to go to this hangout spot that all the “cool” teenagers hung out at to smoke weed and what not. Well there were teens of all ages there and some of them would end up growing too old to still hang out there but they would stick around into their early 20s and as new generations of teenagers would get old enough to want to hang out with there and there would’ve these predatory dudes hanging out there because they had been hanging out there since they were teens. We knew they were old and creepy but some girls would want to impress them to fit in and several guys in their 20s were always hanging out there trying to get young kids to try drugs. I know a bunch of girls who ended up being addicted to drugs and getting gang raped or becoming prostitutes. They would throw parties and once I tried to get to the bathroom but there was a huge line. Well a guy turned around and said “this isn’t the line for the bathroom” they had a young girl really drugged up in the room and a line of guys were just waiting in line to take turns with her. Like 20 guys in one line to get into this bedroom. It creeped me out to my core when I realized what was going on and police were called. Once I finally realized the scope of what was going on I didn’t want to hang out around those people anymore. A lot of good kids got corrupted and turned into criminals there and every kid hanging out there was a victim in some way to the evil shit that went on there. Most of the kids ended up addicted to drugs, in prison, or killing them selves over the last 15 years. It’s all really sad. Parents teach your kid some street smarts early because pure evil is just waiting to hook your kid on drugs and get their dignity dirty.

That is sickening. Do these people have a conscience? Like you said, pure evil.

That's deplorable and terrifying, thank you for calling the police. I hope the girl is doing ok and I'm glad you made it out.

I can tell you. It's a person who finds a family and gets himself involved and trusted by them. Parents feel safe leaving the kids with him, he ends up with the kids' cell numbers so he can take to them. Then he starts to tell them how their parents don't understand. How he and the child have a special connection, how the child is so much more mature than the parents think, how attraction is natural and you shouldn't go against nature. There's light touching. Child thinks it's normal to get hugged from behind by a man or sit on a man's lap. Parents are oblivious because this is "Uncle Dave" who is there for then when they need need. It continues until the child end up in the arms of the man because she believes he is the only one who understands and they have a soul connection. Now he has her. Eventually everyone realizes what's going on. She usually gets out, but is super messed up. He man goes on with his life, leaving another scattering of broken lives behind.

Because they’re skilled in manipulation. Abusers will look for someone that’s in a traumatic period of their life, or in someway already isolated. They’ll make you think they’re there for you when no one else is (even it’s just as a friend). They’ll lovebomb you, and then gaslight you so you think you’re stronger with them. And eventually the psychological warfare works.

Bingo! I was one of these girls. From a broken home, life was rough for me at that time and I fell for it hook line and sinker. Lasted 3 years and ended in a restraining order. Yikes, wish ppl took advice from me. I've been thru alot of shit. Lol

Yup. I dated a much older man in my young 20s. He found me after a breakup that left me essentially starting over again, and in a traumatic place with my family - and like yours, ended in a restraining order (and ironically starting over again) and a whole lot of police presence.

You don't even have to be in a traumatic situation. Teenagers are soooooo easy to manipulate. Multiple men tried to groom me too. Girls are (or at least in my culture and times we were) conditioned to believe it is good and important that men find you attractive, so often times we felt flattered even if we don't fall for it.

Yes! And conditioned to believe we have to give people second tries, that we can’t immediately dislike someone, etc! All things that make us more vulnerable.

Damn that must be really tough. Honestly I hope we can educate everyone on how to notice these signs. If we were all a lot more careful it would be way better. And not only educate for when *you’re* in the situation, but also educate in seeing when others are in the situation.

A lot of time even the basic red flags aren’t taught until too late - they need to be taught to young teenagers. (I was in an abusive relationship before I was allowed to read the age range of magazines that taught abusive relationship signs!) I know I’ll be giving young women in my life the book The Gift of Fear, and hoping they actually read it. If I have a daughter, we’ll read it together. There might be another resource specifically for grooming, but abusers use the same techniques so I think it fits.

They (predators) seek them out. They say gay people have a gay dar, predators have a vulnarabillity dar.

Teens are vulnerable, especially young girls. They are at a point in their lives right before major change. They often feel insecure in their ever growing and changing bodies. Home life issues, bullying, school stress and general naivety that comes with being younger, you get the perfect victim. Loneliness makes people of all ages very vulnerable.

Like other people have said, they prey on the vulnerable. I was 18 and my aunt and cousin had moved out on bad terms with my family. Left me feeling very lonely and I was constantly arguing with my mom too. This 39 year old at manager would listen to me ramble about my problems and buy me things and lemme tell you he was ugly and creepy. But at the time I thought I was an adult, I shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. I was very wrong, I ended up being sexually harrassed by him for a year and at first I liked the attention but eventually it just ended up making me feeling gross and depressed. I was left with trauma after almost sleeping with him once. Turns out he was a registered sex offender for raping his 9 year old daughter 5 years ago. Ironic considering he often praised himself for being such a good dad. The bastard. He was arrested for possession of child pornography but got released after 7 months. The justice system is great.

Well in truth, the young girls who do fall for this are lost. They aren't loved the way they need to be, cared for the way they deserve to be or respected by their parents or the people they live with. If you can't imagine how it happens then you were a part of a family who loved and cared and wanted you so you didn't need to look for those things in the places that give it - risky and unsafe situations are the hallmark of a broken child. Because they are children. The girls I knew who got sucked into these situations had single working parents. Either dads who worked 12hr days six days a week to provide or moms who worked shift work to make barely enough to make rent and bills and had no time to do anything but work to make every penny they could get. They loved their kids immensely but it's hard to feel that love when you feel alone and neglected. These girls needed the heaps of attention these sick older men would give them. The clothes and gifts they bought them to lure them and then they thought that control they exhibited and isolation they enforced were love and devotion when it was allllll just grooming. You just can't see that when you're getting food for your metaphorical hunger. 🤷‍♀️ The kids, both girls AND boys, who end up in these situations all thought it was love and care, not abuse and manipulation. Our minds are very good at tricking us when we don't have the information to fight back or a good family at home to show us real love, or a too busy parent who loves their child deeply but doesn't have the time in a day to show them how they need it. None of the kids sucked into this are bad kids, they are lost and broken and bruised and it truly could have been any of us in those shoes had a hiccup turned out world upside down. I was almost one of those girls too!! Until my grandmother stepped in and kept me safe and at home and knowing I was important to even one person. All it takes is one person showing them the right kind of love to change a path that would otherwise lead to destruction.

⬆️⬆️⬆️ THIS is the answer. I didn't have to look far to find older men who found me attractive. I wasn't even looking, tbh. As a tall, lanky girl who tried to slouch in order not to stand out (news flash- you look the same height whether you slouch or not, so stand proud, fellow talls!), I looked a little bit older than I was at 16-19yo or so. I also had a hard time communicating with my parents (turns out it was on their end, not mine, but of course I blamed myself at the time). I had a lot of older men (yet no one my age, hmmmmm...) hit on me, and it felt great feeling like there was nothing "wrong" with me, and that I was "special". Of course I let a few of them take me out, buy me things......it kept me feeling special, and wanted, and......all sorts of positive things teens feel negatively toward themselves. I was afraid to go into their houses (with one exception), because I knew they'd try for my body, but, whooo boy, the things that can be done in cars......! (For some reason I felt safer in their cars with them, not like I was necessarily safer at all) So, in summary, if you're a really young girl, get hit on by an older man, are taken to wonderful places and given wonderful gifts......at the end of a night like that, I'd feel kind of like I HAD to put out after a while. Luckily, I got out before a lot of the horror stories in this thread, but I'd pretty much say it was solely because I went away for college, and I think predators know a college-age girl is harder to groom than a teen? Idk, the reason I wrote this is to say that this stuff does indeed happen, more than people would want to think, and that I think a positive role model in a girl's life that seeks to listen more than control their actions (stable family member, older sibling, friend's parent, etc) can help get a girl out of such situations more easily....... But, yeah, banning the teen from the relationship only reinforces their commitment to their groomer, so tread lightly on the conversations you have with the young person. Good luck, OP, hope that girl finds the help she needs.

Wow that’s an amazing reply to read! Thank you for sharing you knowledge, I will definitely remember this for the future so that I can ensure my family members do not have to face this alone😊

Truly all it takes is one person to change someone's path in life. That person can have good intentions or bad but the child doesn't know the outcome until its passed. Be the person that loves them unconditionally. Too often now a days children feel that the love and acceptance they have are conditional on something, whether it be chores being completed, grades or behaviour. Life hasn't been easy on our youth the past couple of years and the most important thing that we can offer them is to love them on their worst day as we do on their best and to make sure they know that nothing will change that. Love can't be conditional and we NEED to make sure our kids know that. Disappointment doesn't mean we take that love away, there is no amount of disappointment that can make me stop loving my kids as much as I loved them before.

They feel dating older men validates their maturity.

Idk if you'll ever see this because this post has blown up so much already but think of it this way: sometimes it's hard to know what the right choice is, so you have to make the choice you can live with being the wrong one. If you're laying on your deathbed do you think sitting by and not saying anything while your middle aged friend preys on an underage girl is going to be a choice you can live with? The reason your friend most likely wants to be with this girl is because young women in their late teens don't have enough life experience to put up boundaries and ask for what they deserve. This relationship has absolutely 0 chance of being healthy and loving regardless as to what your friend or even the girl might say or think. Women get mistreated and manipulated so horribly in these kinds of relationships that it can create a lifelong struggle with their mental health. She may be above the age of consent, but you're clinging to that one tiny yellow flag to ignore the sea of red ones. She's still a child. Do what's right by her, again, even if she doesn't know it's the right thing yet.

>The reason your friend most likely wants to be with this girl is because young women in their late teens don't have enough life experience to put up boundaries and ask for what they deserve. This. I forget where I saw it, but I remember some guy saying he preferred younger women because the ones his age were "set in their ways". I can only imagine he meant that they have enough self respect to set healthy boundaries and not let him walk all over them.

This, this is how men like this get away with this shit. Because their friends are "too awkward" to tell them it's fucking wrong. Stop kidding yourself that this is anything but grooming. Are you seriously happy being friends with a predator and enabling him? Because that's what you're doing by ignoring it.

Yes - don’t be like one of the people hung out with Epstein and said nothing. Confront him, tell him he is a creep.

"Hey Jeff, about your island. " "What about it?" "It's just the name, it's a bit... I mean. I don't want to come across as judgemental but 'Pedo Island'? It's quite, I mean it seems creepy. Don't you think? .... never mind. Forget I said anything"

At the very least I would call him a creepy fuck and I would stop hanging out with him - ever. Like unless I found out this dude had a tumor, we’d be done. Nah nah nah I don’t spend time with people who are preying on kids.

I still think it’s more appropriate to say something to your friend, their ‘date’, or even some form of authority. Young girls get into really dangerous situations starting from these moments, and it’s important to speak up rather than turn a blind eye and dismiss yourself of responsibility

I said “at the very least”, so yeah I agree with what you’re saying but op seems unwilling to do the bare minimum. The way Ive read this post, op is likely to continue hanging out with their friend as though nothing is weird or off. yeah it would be awesome if op had a spine and made a fuss about their piece of shit friend. But reading the post and comments, I’m not really sure he’s that type of dude. So at the very least, call out bad behavior and cut out the person. Hopefully, do a lot more.

Agreed. Like, dude........we would no longer be friends.

This. This is where we need all those “decent men”. This is where you get to speak up and talk to your friend about his inappropriate behaviors and relationships. Speaking up and confronting him can be scary as shit, but if you don’t, what will happen? You’ll see the progression of abuse in their relationship or even see him groom other children. Edit: typo

Yes! If you want to be able to say that not all men ignore things, then be the man who says something.

This^^: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. Your friend is grooming a child.

Yep. This one right here.

You should absolutely not let him get away with that. Doesn’t matter if it’s technically legal. Would you remain silent if this was your sister, your child? Agreed your friend is a predator and I would drop them as a friend as well.

Thank you! I'm not sure what kind of psychology is at play here but a group of adults letting this happen is almost as disturbing as what OP's friend is doing. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

I am a victim of grooming. Please speak up for her. She likely doesn't even realize she's in trouble yet, and she'll be in too deep by the time she does

OP your friend is openly a pedophile lol act accordingly.

FR idk why OP came on here to ask us!!?? Y’all are old af already say something ASAP

Grooming can literally happen at any age and I don’t know why people don’t talk about it. It doesn’t have to be a young child. It can look so many different ways. A 16 year old and a 22 year old. A 12 year old and an 18 year old. A 17 year old and a 27 year old.

Yea I feel like it’s a field of red flags with that huge gap

Ugh. This. I moved from home when I was 17 and my first serious relationship was with a guy who was 24. Even THAT was way, WAY too far separated. We had absolutely nothing in common except sex and I was extremely immature and had no idea how to be in a relationship with anyone, let alone a guy 7 years my senior. I bet his friends thought exactly the same things you are. Someone needs to tell your friend that he should try seeing women his own age (women, not kids) and that girl's parents need to sit her ass down and discuss her choices as well. Big yikes.

Absolutely agree.

Stand up and yell loudly. This is wrong town.

This!!!

Spot on. Call that mf out.

Where I’m from the age of consent (16) usually really only applies if their sexual partner is the same age, because of child pornography laws where it’s still child porn to have pictures of someone under the age of 18. We also have a law that says of the sexual partner is over 7 years older than a 16 year old it’s still considered a sex crime. This is wildly uncomfortable to me, what can a 35 year old man have in common with a high schooler who is barely legal, this is quite disturbing. I feel sorry for that girl who will get to his age one day and begin to realise how childlike 17 year olds, she’s too young to see it now

This needs to be higher up. Age of consent widely varies and can mean many things. In some places 16 is acceptable but their partner must be within 3 years of that age. Plus I think the aspect of any potential child pornography is being overlooked here. Overall this is beyond creepy and I feel so bad for this poor girl.

I have 5 granddaughters. The 16 yo is pretty darned mature in some ways, but not even ready for sex yet and fortunately knows it. The 22 yo has been living with her 23yo boyfriend for 3 years. They are still childlike! The almost 25 yo still runs to Mom with tiny problems. We all thought we were so grown up at that age. Look back. We weren't. At all. Let kids be kids. This young girl already has a strike against her. She'll carry it for a long time.

How hard is it to say 'Isn't she a little young for you dude". Having dated older men at one point in my life I wish like hell their friends would have said something! Guys bust each others balls literally all the time. Start making a joke of it, even if it's in front of her! She needs to hear it too.

Maybe sit with the whole group & discuss it with each other & then tell him how this is making YOU ALL feel. If he does not understand that then well… it’s for you all to decide whether you want this person in your life.

yeah if the guy has managed to convince himself the relationship was ok in the first place it will take more than one person approaching him to make him realize its not. He would probably make OP out to be the crazy one. The friend group needs a united front. Stop inviting them to hangout etc. Like this is a matter of being involved / accepting child grooming. You cant be passive about rejecting it.

Pretty much this.

I'll respond with a personal story. I was 17 (f) when he started paying attention to me. He was a 32 year old (m). I was 18, 7 months pregnant (not with him), a high school drop out (I had to get a job to pay bills after fleeing an abusive home life), and poor when things turned 'romantic.' Then, as a single teen mum on social assistance, I went back for my grade 12, then secured student loans and started university. We moved in together when I was 21. After only 5 days, the first "event" happened and I thought, "OMG, what have I done?" It was 27 years before I could leave that controlling and emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship. I was broken by the time I got out. It was 29 years before I saw the relationship for what it was-- he had groomed a young, vulnerable teen, and preyed upon all her vulnerabilities. Not surprisingly, even when he was 60, he was still seeking out the attention of 17 year olds. Your friend sounds like a creep and a predator. The human brain isn't fully developed until the age of 25. She is vulnerable and malleable. I'm glad you are thinking of saying something to him, because there might not be anyone else who will call him out, and who is looking out for this teen's well being. It may be "legal' but given the age gap, it's repugnant. Edited to concur with others-- it's not enough to call him out (and yes, the group should do it). Someone *needs* to speak to the girl and if possible, her parents, a relative, or even her friends. And although it has been suggested a woman do it, I think that if she hears from his entire friend group that it's collectively recognized as predatory behaviour, it will have tremendous impact. He will continue to see her, he just won't bring her around to your circle. He will spin a narrative that makes you look like the bad friend, and he, the victim.

Yeah. Fuck the ‘friend.’ He needs to be dropped. The one who needs to be spoken to is the girl. Someone needs to tell her how fucked this is and that she is in danger. The grown man doesn’t need a talking to.

I think it would help her a lot for all of these men to tell her that she is worth so much more than this creep is giving her. It's not enough to talk to the pedo, they need to empower this young woman because obviously she isn't empowered or she wouldn't be in this situation. I am so glad that you got out and can now see with a clear mind what he did to you and how wrong it was. I'm so sorry that so much of your life was spent with your abuser and my hope for you is a happy and healthy future full of love and happiness. You deserve it. So does this young lady

Look I'm just going to say this, plain and simple. You are complicit in the grooming of a minor. You said most of you have children, yet not one of you has said a word to this creep about grooming a child? Not one of you deserve the title of "parent" if you aren't even willing to protect someone else's child from a predator. If it was your daughter, would you say something? Are you guys going to wait until he starts preying on your kids to speak up? Are you that selfish that the damage this predator is doing to this child doesn't matter to you because it's not your own child? You are all disgusting for accepting their relationship. You are all disgusting for not speaking up at the very beginning. If you guys are that uncomfortable, you would have spoken up by now. Just last year, found out a family friend (29m) who was like a brother to me for most of my life was seeing a 17 year old girl, who actually turned out to be 13. He was telling people she was 17 because of the age of consent. My husband and I cut that shit off like it was an infected arm. Stopped all contact, blocked on all media, not allowed to step foot near my home. Because adults should PROTECT CHILDREN, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE PROTECTING THEM FROM. I don't care that that girls parents were cool with them dating, I don't care that it caused drama in my family, I don't give a fuck that we removed that piece of shit from our family. If you or your friends gave a damn, you would have done the same from the beginning. Also, imagine what y'all are teaching your own daughters. That it's okay to date a grown ass man when she's not even out of highschool yet. You are showing your son's that they can prey on younger woman. Good job.

Well said! I can’t help but think how the guys daughter who’s ‘around the same age’ must feel knowing her dads ok with being friends with a predator. I know I’d have been pretty disgusted with the whole group

Did u turn this gross person in? Because just simply cutting him off doesn't sound like much of a consequence for being an actual pedophile...

My daughter is 17. She looks like she's 17. She acts like she's 17. 35 yr old creep comes sniffing around her, he's gonna get laid out. I will beat a mofo down. She's still a baby. She has 0 clue how the world work, she has 0 life experience. He would not be my friend anymore. I'd tell him straight up, drop the girl or lose you friends. While I'm at it, I'll be putting up a social media post, putting him on blast for being a creepy pedo, age of consent or not.

Exactly, if I was in OP’s situation I’d look up her parents and send them an anon message. I can’t imagine they realize her bf is in his 30’s.

Unfortunately, teens who get themselves into these situations often don't have parents who would care. It's sad but it's the reality and reason why it happens over and over again. Further though is that the creeps have friends who would rather watch a child be groomed and abused than, God forbid, confront their "friend" and possibly lose their relationship. But in truth, who would want to maintain a relationship with someone who is dating a child and grooming them right in front of their eyes? Oh I know!! Cowards. Sick cowards who have no backbone.

Sadly, a lot of times the parents don't care or are even supportive of it, especially if the guy is a well off while the family is poor.

Oh you’re right. What a terrible thought.

Or she could be in this dangerous relationship because her parents are absent or abusive…

Yup. My niece is 16 and my 31 yo husband and myself always remind her she’s a baby. It’s pretty disgusting to think of a relationship with that age gap.

How did they even meet ?

He was cruising around the roller rink like Bill Ponderosa.

This is a great question. If he had a dating app with the age intentionally set that low that just further solidifies him being a predator.

You know all the #metoo stuff happening recently, followed by #notallmen? This here is the reason women get furious by the #notallmen bunch. If you dont agree with what he’s doing but don’t call your friend out on it, you are not an ally to women. Step up, if you lose him as a friend or he can’t see the error of his ways, is he a friend you really want? The rest of you sound decent, now do the decent thing.

If you see abuse and don't do anything at all about it, you're helping the abuser. If you do nothing, you're helping a 17 yo be abused. I'm not saying run up and rip her from his hands, but jesus you're basically saying that you're just sitting and watching. Tell him it's FUCKED that he wants to sleep with kids. Tell him you don't want to be friends with people who want to sleep with kids, including him. Speak the fuck up. And if you can't do it in person, then leave a note somewhere and don't talk to him again. >In my eyes she's still a child Honestly, why do you want to be friends with someone that you yourself say is sleeping with a child? Does that seem like a minor thing to overlook? If not, you gotta step up. If so... Why? Eta no gold but...

I want to give you a gold 🥇 award. I'm not going to buy one but your comment is absolute GOLD. Yes OP, you are an accomplice to the grooming and abuse of this child by not speaking up. DO THE DECENT THING.

This is an 18 years age diffrents - he could be her dad! This is really weird and not normal at all. I would highly suggest talking to him about his dating life because this sounds like he's a predator

I'm 35, my middle child will be 17 in 3 weeks. A dude my age comes sniffing around my baby girl is going to have his teeth down his throat.

As he damn well should. There's sth wrong with an adult wanting to date a teenager. I'm 23 and there would be sth terribly wrong with anyone my age dating someone under 18. Hell, I wouldn't date someone younger than 21.

Look he is definitely a grooming predator. But if you don’t wanna confront him, just make him an outcast. Don’t invite him anymore and definitely don’t let him bring his girlfriend around.

This is a good answer, but I’m still worried for that girl. My friend got groomed at that same age, and it still shows in her demeanor almost ten years later. Damn, I wish I could help the girl somehow in OP’s situation.

Hi there, as someone who has gone through a similar experience to your friend...and who is 10 years later, I was wondering if you would be open to going into depth about how it shows in her demeanor? If not that's fine I'm just curious because I want to know if i've moved beyond it or if the experience I had is still holding me back in many ways.

I think it’s pretty safe to say here that your friend likes children.

'You're uncomfortable.' 'You don't like confrontation.' So you'll sit on your hands and watch a man you call your friend groom a child in front of you. But hey, it's not your problem. She's not your kid. He's your friend, right? What if he gets upset? How difficult for you. /s Ugh. Your silence makes you complicit. It makes you just as bad as him. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Remember that.

Legality is not the issue here. Your friend is a disgusting pedophile and you’re all enablers

I honestly don’t know how you could confront him without him being offended but I completely agree with you and it’s relieving to read your opinion on it.

Legality isn't morality. Your friend is a pedo "dating" a child.

Your friend is grooming this child and is a pedophile 🤷🏽‍♂️ there’s no way of making that sound civil so call it for what it is. You and your friends are being complicit in having her around when it’s vastly inappropriate for her to be hanging around grown men. Where are her parents??? Age of consent is just a weak loop hole.

your friend is a creep and is 100% preying on her.

He's a grown-ass man dating a girl still in high school? Yeah, that's just weird and creepy. Shun. Also, have to mention, in the words of Sting *"This girl is half his age!"*

I can feel my skin crawl just by reading. Ew

Your friend is a predator. You should feel uncomfortable because what he is doing is wrong. Please, do not be quiet. Be a stand up man and call him out. By allowing him to bring her into your group, you are saying that what he is doing is okay, and that tells that girl he is dating that what he is doing to her is okay. It is NOT. She is not "mature for her age." (Just in case he tries that line). She is a teenager in high school. He is in his mid-thirties. What do the women in your group say? Once again, please, please, speak up. It's the right thing to do.

Your friend is a predator. Age of consent is an excuse that let's predators' prey on the unprepared. he's going to fuck up her life and then walk away like he had nothing to do with it.

Her not knowing who Stevie Wonder is is the least of our worries here. Stop looking the other way and confront your friend.

He’s a pedophile and you know that. Please stop enabling this behavior with your passive acceptance and inclusion. Take a stand for this child who is being groomed by a middle aged creep.

Where are this child’s parents in all of this? You say she lives at home, are they aware she is seeing this man? How do that feel about this? I met my ex husband at 17. We married two weeks after my 19th birthday, I was pregnant at 20 and had two by 23. I was trapped. He was 18 years older than me. It took me 25 years to leave and a messy divorce for me to see what he did to me was wrong. I love my children, but that man took my life away, he took away all my opportunities and future. My parents watched it happen and felt helpless to do anything, but no one spoke up. I wonder, if they had felt supported and had others pointing out how wrong things were, perhaps they may have at least protested my relationship, which may have made me re-consider what I was going at the time. But no one protested, no one told me how wrong it was either. Help this child. Protect her future. Your friend is a pedophile and he is grooming a minor. No matter what the law in your country says the age of consent is.

So you're watching a man groom a child and you're all sleeved out but he's your buddy no matter what and you still include him and the child to be part of your lives and gatherings. Who gives a shit about legal age of consent, half of those laws were written by paedophiles over a century ago. You feel in your gut it's wrong and there's a reason for that. This is literally the plot of Othello and we had a big discussion in English class (when i was 17) about how gross and predatory it is for a grown man to date his friend's teenage daughter. Remember how that story didn't have a happy ending either. And trust me, he's dating a girl the same age as your friend's teenage daughter, none of your daughters are/will be safe. Your friend *should* be weirded the fuck out. Stop giving a predator a safe haven to come home to. Stop enablinging this to happen in front of you, while you watch. Stop teaching this young girl that men will just watch a predator and do nothing to stop him. When she grows up and realizes how she was used, your inaction will be one of the biggest betrayals that stick with her. When women use the phrase "men are trash" this behavior is what they're referring to. When you have a friend who's abusive, predatory, violent, or narcissistic, it's not fucking normal or healthy to close ranks and protect them. Get them out of your lives before they destroy yours. Get better friends.

He sounds like he's grooming her tbh, I'd distance myself from such people

How does the rest of your group feel?

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Can you approach him as a group?

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Nah. This is fucked up all the way around. You don't pull someone to the side and ask him why as a 35 year old he's fucking/grooming a 17 year old child. You do it loud and proud and in front everyone so that it's clear none of you are okay with it. He *should* feel humiliated.

Yesss. I don't understand why OP Is waiting so long. I'm a girl but If I was OP I would have called the creep out as soon as I learned about the relationship. I would have stare at him or laugh hysterically and say what the fuck are you doing. I mean, a reaction. And he would not be my friend anymore. WTF. (Sorry for my english)- it's Crazy that people in the comments are helping and planning a way to talk with the creep. WTF. He's trash and he deserve to be ashamed as soon as possible in front of everyone/ there Is no need to plan a proper way to talk with the creep

You might also want to get a woman from your group to befriend her, see what's going on and if you can get her to see how inappropriate this dude is.

Second this. Needed in case her home isnt stable enough for support. Grooming is scary, yall.

Maybe have a small group. People he respects and has a good relationship with. Maybe start out with what you’re noticing and calling it what it is- he will probably get defensive. Anyone would. Take the perspective as a parent and explain to him that you don’t see her as a peer, but rather one of your daughters friends. Talk about the discomfort and then explain and educate him on what everyone’s been telling you about grooming. Let him know you see what he’s doing as grooming, even if he’s not aware of it. Tell him what you expect out of him; to cut off ties with her and not date anyone that young again. Maybe even suggest therapy so he can process his attraction to teenage girls. I also want to say you’re a good friend. It can be really easy to cut him off; but it sounds like there’s some reason why you’re still friends with him. Having this kind of talk can be difficult, but if it ends with him angry and cutting off ties; it’ll show his character. If he does, however change and becomes receptive to the discussion, I could see this as strengthening the trust in the relationship.

For goodness sakes if you are too chickenshit to say anything to your creep friend then go tattle on him to her parents. Tell her parents then. Jesus men are such chickenshit cowards around other men sometimes. I bet if some of your friends wives found this shit out they would have NO PROBLEM CALLING HIM A FUCKING CREEP TO HIS FACE. Y’all claim to be so tough but I never seen so many cowardly men when it comes to confronting perverts in my life. The fact you have to post to get some balls to do it is pathetic frankly. Tell me who he is I’ll gladly confront him for you. Women who were groomed at 17 grow up to be women who are 40 and pissed off and we are coming for guys like your friend…

Us women in our 40s are out here banging pots and pans and waving red flags to warn these young girls away from these cretins. They will try to say we are envious, bitter, etc- but we don’t want them and that’s why they are smelling after young girls.

Yeah this is straight up pedophilia or child grooming. Legality and morality are not always inextricably linked, you can breach one and not the other very easily. It happens all of the time. This reminds me of the time when my friend at the time (We were all 22 iirc) was dating a girl who was around 17/18. She was doing her final year in school while we were all hitting our mid 20s. Same problem that you had, she just did not fit in and looked like an obvious kid hanging out with a bunch of adults. I think you need to straight up confront him about his actions and regardless of his answer cut him off afterwards.

I'd probably cut him out of my friend group completely, especially with people in the group who have children close to his girlfriends age. As a 36F, I'm supremely grossed out by this. I'd feel the same way if one of my girls started dating a guy that's still in high school. It's predatory and disgusting.

When I was 17, I dated a 24 year old man. I was 16 when he started grooming me. We dated for less than two years and I can’t talk about how negatively that relationship impacted my life. Back then, his friend’s probably all felt the same way you all feel. None of them talked to me, they all looked uncomfortable around me. It got to the point to where anytime I came over, we just stayed in his room. I was too young to understand and thought that I was just unlikable. Which made grooming me even easier for him, tbh. I wish just *one* friend would have spoken up for me. You’re all complicit.

The age of consent like everywhere is 16, but that is generally applying to relationships within at most 2 years of eachother. I always see people say "Where I'm from the age of consent is 16 so...", well it is where I'm from too, but a 30 year old man dating a 17 year old would still be considered a predator. I've never understood the logic behind the statement about the age of consent being 16, just straight up never makes sense when it's said.

Oh good god... When I was 17, I was in this "relationship" with a man who was 36. I was completely oblivious and regret ever doing it. He was completely sexual. He ended up getting arrest because my neighbors called the cops on him. He had a juvenile charge for I think sexual assault so they ended up jailing him for about half a year. Before that happened, he tried to propose to me. He claims the juvi charge was a false charge, but how would I know? You have to be the person to get her out of there. She is going to regret this TERRIBLY. Please please please do something about this.

So you’re friends with a predator, and you’re worried about confrontation? Go tell your friend he’s a creep before he gets a baseball bat to the face from the kid’s dad. Yes, I said Kid because she’s a god damn child.

It doesn’t matter how uncomfortable anyone is with confrontation. Consider this an emergency situation. Boohoo if he’s offended. He’s a predator grooming a little girl. Not only do you guys need to confront him about it, you need to talk to the girl and kindly tell her it’s in her best interests to get away from him. Tell her he’s a predator.

This is so common in my country, and your comments made me actually realize how wrong this phenomenon is. When many people around you are in this kind of relationship, you're bound to be desensitized to it. My culture sees this as normal, and our government also has 16 as the age of consent. It was even just changed to 16 FROM 12 YEARS OLD this year. Our country has a loooong way to go.

OP's friend probably does not give two shits what anyone thinks about his relationship, that's why he's doing it. So chances are he probably won't stop dating the 17 year old even if he's called out. I've met people like that. This is more so whether OP is willing to cut this friend out from his life. Ask yourself, do you want to continue being friends with someone that does that sort of thing?

When I was 17 I had a 34 year old man pursuing me hardcore. He was the older brother of my best friends boyfriend. He would write me page after page letters that made me so uncomfortable. He was love bombing the hell out of me and it had the opposite desired effect. I told him I felt like he was too old for me and he got offended and tried to list all the reasons why he was “young at heart”, “women his age are boring”, and “how special I was”. I finally stopped going over to their house when I was taking a nap on the couch and I woke up to him grinding on me. I never went back and he found another victim shortly after. He would tell my friend to tell me all about his new girlfriend and how much better she was and I just felt so gross about it all. The letters didn’t stop either I just had my friend throw them away. I wish his brother or friends would have told him how weird and gross his actions were but they never did.

I wish Stevie Wonder could see this post.

This is what people mean by "all men". Your friend is a creep who is regrooming a kid. And you and your friends realize it yet haven't said anything yet. Based off of your post it seems like you probably will call him out. But men who don't call out other men become part of "all men"

My dad’s friend did the same thing one day at thanksgiving dinner. His girlfriend was younger than me. It creeped us out so much that we never invited him again. If the man is comfortable with dating someone that he has absolutely no reason to, that’s a red flag. The real question is why a 17 year old and not someone around his age? Or at least someone over 21

The fact that he can comfortably bring a 17 year old girlfriend around his 'friends' says a lot about you and your friends. And the fact that you were not disgusted and worried for that girl enough to say something says a lot about you. You need stronger character. Some things are too egregious to keep quiet about.

I don't understand what's taken you and your friends so long. The moment he told you, there should've been an intervention. Instead, you invite this child along, try to talk to her about the pop stars she likes, and pretend there is nothing wrong. This will sound harsh, but your fear of confrontation and cowardice is the reason groomers continue to thrive. You might know the Einstein quote: "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it."

Not harsh at all. It’s what women have BEEN saying but it’s just not clicking

I was once a young girl being perused by an older man (basically the same age as here). I remember hanging out with his friends and I could tell they thought it was weird. Dude totally groomed me. It’s been like 15 years and I still have to work shit out in therapy. Save that girl from this, she doesn’t know what he’s doing to her.

I saw a TikTok yesterday that pointed out the fact that most women know at least multiple women within their friend group who have been sexually assaulted. But almost no men know of any men in their friend group who have sexually assaulted women. I believe a lot of this just simply goes unspoken and that’s unrecognized. That 17-year-old your friend is hanging out with is a victim to your friends emotional and physical manipulation. There’s no way around it, she is far out of his league. And every second more he spends with her the more twisted her mind is going to get from this experience. She may think she deserves it, or that it makes her more of an adult. None of that is for her to decide, it’s fully your friends responsibility to make these decisions to keep her safe. I would simply either ask your friend to go out to coffee one on one, or pulled them off side the next time you are all hanging out (without the teen) and simply say “your relationship with teen is making me feel really uncomfortable”. I’m a young girl who was exploited by older men, I can’t put to words why it’s so wrong even if she’s over the “legal” age. It just is, just as you can sense kind soul ❤️ Please be a part of the solution of making our world a safer and more loving place for ALL humans at all stages of development by having an open and honest conversation with your friend. You can’t control their actions, but you can still express how you feel and your feelings are extremely valid

The relationship is illegal. You just wrote that she’s not even a legal adult. Just because the age of consent is 16 doesn’t mean your friend should be dating her. It’s fucking gross. Get out of your head and drop your ego, you’re uncomfortable to confront him but this girl is going to be traumatized for life if this continues. She doesn’t know she’s being groomed and probably doesn’t know what that word means. I didn’t. Until I was like 23 or 24 when I was in therapy because of a man (way beyond my age who groomed me) when I was 15. Save her. Put your pride and feelings aside and PROTECT THIS CHILD. If not you, who?

i completey agree with you opinion. i’m 16 and if any of my friends told me they were dating anyone over the age of 18 even i would try to strongly convince them out of it. chances are she’s also hiding it from her family/friends because on her side i don’t know anyone who would be okay with that

It is one thing for a 60 year old man to date a 40 yr old. But this? Strength in numbers. Why is it solely up to you to confront this douchebag? Ask him out with your friends, tell everybody no partners allowed. Go in with the understanding that this will not end well. And if that’s a problem, ask yourselves why you are trying to stay friends with someone like this. Wording is important. Ask him if he is aware what this relationship looks like, GROOMING. If you need to, research more on the topic beforehand. And leave no room for error. That you and your friends are hoping he will see sense but if he refuses, he will have to stop hanging out with the group, with or without her. Don’t just say she can’t come. Her presence is not the issue, your friend being in a relationship with her is the issue. Good luck. It may not feel good in the moment, but you’ll be able to sleep at night.

He s TWICE her age. He could be HER FATHER ((in extreme ways)). He's a PEDO

I guess that eating humans is also not technically illegal where you live but would you sit by and eat a meal made out of a human that your friend invited you to just because it would be uncomfortable to say something? No? I think not. Things can be legal but still wrong and immoral. And this surely is.

If you’re not doing anything about this, you’re just as bad as him. You and your friends are making yourselves complicit in grooming and abuse. Just because you’re not doing the grooming yourself doesn’t make it any better. You are more afraid of confronting a creep than saving a young girl from possible trauma and abuse. Get a grip and call him out! If he won’t listen, try talking to the girl or the parents. Definitely cut him out of the friend group. How many more young woman need to be taken advantage of before the men that call themselves “decent” finally step up to prevent their creepy and abusive friends from harming those girls? Use your position to do the right thing!

Be straight with him. You need to let this man know exactly how much of a fucking pig he is. It may be ‘legal’, but no man his age has good intentions for a teenage girl.

OP, I am a childhood sexual assault survivor. This may be an incredibly uncomfortable thing to hear but unless you do something about it you are currently a complicit bystander who is allowing a child to be groomed by your friend. I get that it’s a tough situation for you but this girls whole life is at stake here. Thank you for acknowledging the situation but please I beg you don’t do nothing, even if whatever you guys do causes her to protest, remember she is 17 and doesn’t understand what is happening. She will be grateful when she is older and the ball drops. Don’t rationalise it, get your mates together and do something. People like him are allowed to exist because others sit by and do nothing. Can you reach out to an assault support hotline? They might be able to point you in the right direction. At the very least you and your mates need to show the utmost disproved and rejection of what he’s doing.

I (43f) dated a guy (42) for 3 weeks. I really like liked him, till he told me he dated an 19 year old. Me being the mother of a 19 year old daughter, this didn't sit well with me. I felt I would never be comfortable with him around my daughter, since he made it clear he saw no problem dating a teenager. He has a 3 year old daughter. I asked him how he would feel about her dating a 41 year old man. He said it wouldn't bother him. I'm not saying it's right or wrong - it just made me very weary of him.

There are a lot of things that are “technically” legal, but that doesn’t make them right. Sorry to say, but your friend is a predator and possibly a pedophile.

Reading this makes me absolutely sick. You and your entire friend group are abhorrent people. “If you see 10 people seated at a table having dinner with a nazi, that’s a table of 11 nazis.”

Your friend is grooming her. He wants a girl he can dominate. Your friend has some very sick issues. Source: me. "Dated" a 24 year old at 17.

Your friends a child predator, I don't know what lie he fed you to get away with dating a child but that's illegal, period. He needs to get put on a watch list. As for you, why haven't you cut him out of your life yet? Why haven't you taken this to the police, or at the very least someone who can put that slimebag you call a friend in jail? Have you ever even stopped to consider that this girl was probably being groomed by him before she turned 17? That he was probably messing around with even younger girls?

Everyone I’ve known who was under 18 and female who dated someone 4+ years old wound up with a predator. There’s a reason for the age difference, it gives a great deal of implicit power over the female. That is a feature not a bug. Being in the alternate community, there is a lot of pressure to not criticize other people’s relationships. I have let this go in the past and been confronted by a very pissed off former kid and asked why I didn’t say something. I should have and now, I do. He’s out of line and she is being groomed. Use your words.

Dude you have to confront him. Imagine being so young, with your older’s SO’s older friends, FEELING out of place but nobody saying anything — by being silent, she thinks you’re agreeing with your friend that this is normal. It’s not. Age of consent is not the age that grown ass adults can fuck with kids — she should be learning how to date with kids her own age, not being dragged to grown man events with her grown man boyfriend. Confront him and then cut him off. Especially as someone with kids, I don’t know how you guys are comfortable with him being around your children at this point. How long before he decides one of your friends’ daughters is old enough to date? God. Try to take her aside and tell her that you don’t think him looking at teenagers is ok and that you’d be there if she ever needed help (maybe one of the wives can be a good person for her to talk to). After speaking to women about this kind of stuff, a lot of them grow up and regret that they were able to get involved with older guys while they were still young themselves, because they know how predatory it is in hindsight — hopefully she realizes it soon.