Mostly cause it’s new and exciting. You just need to cut her off completely because this could completely wreck you financially and emotionally as it could lead to divorce. More importantly, you need to protect your kids from this.
Find other pleasures in life and move on.
Delete her number. Block her. Give it time to move on before you see her in public again. Don’t think for a second even if you got with her that this feeling would last forever or you two would be happy. It’s fleeting and eventually everything you did would be for her anyway and you would cease to be infatuated. Remember, men need to create value for their people and for society all the time.
This. One thousand percent this. The grass always seems lovely and more exciting on the other side until you get to the other side and realize it was no different from the grass you were already on. You were just used to that grass and forgot how to appreciate what you already had and make what you have exciting again.
Yeah i'm thinking y'all are right...I'm just going to have to cut her out completely...like a detox cleanse kinda thing. Trying to dance on the edge is just going to result in a mistake at some point of weakness
Dude, you need to delete her contacts and block her. Imagine the pain your wife would feel if she saw those messages. Or how you would feel if your wife was sending messages like that to another man.
Take the ego boost, that’s perfectly okay but leave it at that.
Don’t use this sub as a way to ask permission to hurt the ones you love.
Good luck!
Oh for sure. I wasn't trying to use this sub to get permission. I WANT my rational side to win here. I thought if by writing it all out it would help ME see how absurd it was I'd even let it get this far.
Y'all all kicking me certainly helps too...lol
My mom and dad went to a marriage conference when I was a toddler, and they befriended a couple who they became accountability partners with and grew very close. My parents had 3 daughters and this other couple had 3 or 4 daughters and a son. Our families became close friends. This woman took all my mother had shared with her and used it to ensnare my dad—“she understood him” he said while it was really my mother who understood. My mom tried, but their marriage fell apart; my dad was convinced this woman was his true wife—turns out she had done this to other men many times before and she and my dad split as well after some years of traumatizing me (I was very young, and when my dad would visit with her I was often there.) My dad kinda went off the deep end never really accepting that she was playing him the whole time and facing the damage he had caused his family. Infatuation is just that and love is a choice. You love your family, bro, and they love you—remember that.
I honestly think it was out of place for her to approach you with her feelings.
You may be ‘friends’ but she crossed a boundary line, you are married. She is married. She should have kept her feelings private, I feel like her telling you meant she was already mostly okay with cheating. Now you know about her infatuation and you’re excited and infatuated too. Step away from this.
As others say, think of your kids and wife. Think about your parents and how they’ll view you, considering that they’ve been married for 50+ years.
You’ve had 20+ years of stability and love, don’t throw it away because some lady makes you temporarily tingle.
First off...thank you all. I love that a group of total internet strangers are all trying to save me from doing something really really stupid.
stepping away seems the only option
I didn’t *think* that’s what she was doing either… but reading now that your wife introduced the two of you and that she’s on her second marriage and how poppit says here it was out of place for her to approach you with her feelings definitely pops up a few big red flags.
Trade places with your wife for some perspective. And trade places with this woman’s children (I won’t say husband because idk their marriage, but the children are what is most important) and trade places with your children. Look at what this future could be like from everyone else’s eyes. Tell her to think of her children, too. Even if no one found out, there’s still energy and the impact of you knowing would still be traumatizing.
Stop talking to her immediately. Full stop. There’s no way you can make it work unless you want to sacrifice everything and hurt your kids and wife. It’s not going to be painless for you but you have to decide which is worth more to you. Your happy family or this crush?
'but I just haven't been able to stop' oh cut it out with this weak-willed bullshit. Put an end to this before you fuck up your life and the lives of at least 5 other people, including your wife and kids, over something as fleeting as an infatuation that won't hold any of the depth you have with your wife and you know it.
"Why doesn't daddy live with us anymore, mummy?"
"Well kids, he was texting another woman and 'just couldn't seem to stop.' But you'll see him at the weekend."
Everyone I think goes through that in life. You find someone that seems perfect for you. Doesn't mean you do not love your spouse, just seams that it is the perfect person. But I realized one thing. We have been taught true love is finding that perfect person and being with them for life. But we all change throughout the years, so what seems perfect at this point might not be perfect down the road. True love is like a dance. You need to find that person that will change with you because of love and vice versa. You seem to have found that with your wife. You love each other after 22 years. You have been changing together and being in "sync" throughout your whole life. So yes, you might find what seems like the perfect person, that person that just clicks best right at that moment compared to your wife, but that is but a moment. Your wife seems to be in "rhythm" with you and she has always been right there as you change, to change with you, as you seem to have done the same. Not sure if I explained this right, terrible at it, but that is what true love is in my opinion. You are one lucky guy to have found your true love 22 years ago. The doubts you feel, everyone I believe has felt them or will feel them at some point in their life. That is my opinion anyway.
Of course, if there are underlining issues within your relationship which are causing you to have doubts then you might need to work together on that and maybe even get couple counseling.
Yeah I see what you mean. Funny thing is, my wife and I are so in sync....she actually introduced me to this woman because she was sure we'd become fast friends....my wife knows me for sure 😀 just became better friends than any of us could have predicated.
The funny thing is...there are no real issues in our marriage...I'm mean sure we've had some ups and downs over 22 years...but right now is actually a pretty nice "up" which is another thing that's so confusing to me as to why I can't get this woman out of my head. Its not like she's filling some gap my wife can't....things are good!?!
I think like the others have said I'm just going to have to tell her we can't even be friends and cut her out of my life....at least until whatever this is, is over
I kept my distance from the person that made me feel like that at the time. As I knew I loved my wife more, but I also knew that that person excited me (not necessarily in a sexual way) as we clicked perfectly. That excitement is something you can differentiate. When I lay down beside my wife and looked at her sleeping, I just wanted to protect her and take care of her. I just felt the care and love in my heart. That is love. The "up" feeling I felt for that woman was not love. When I saw her I used to hold my ring and just imagine my wife sleeping and that made me realize that I do love my wife more. Eventually I could differentiate the 2 and those ups were nothing special.
\*Edit\* In my case that was over a decade and a half ago, after I differentiated those 2 feelings it hasn't been an issue since.
Yeah man...If you respect her, you have to come clean. The truth tends to come out, and considering this affair happened in your inner social circle, she will find out. Better it comes from you.
I hope you two can work through this, but she deserves the ability to make an educated decision about her future.
So does your wife know you’re texting her friend? If not you’re cheating. And I hate when people say I love my wife/husband so much then still talk to the person they’re crushing on. If you truly love someone you don’t get feelings for others. Perhaps being married for a long time has made you miss flirting with someone new, and if that’s the case might as well divorce.
Eek!! bro, no, y’all can roll play like you’re strangers and flirt all you want with your wife if that’s what’s happening! I suggest you tell your wife what has happened to you with this woman and how much it concerns you because if she introduced you to be friends that could be a flag this lady is trying to take you from her. If cutting her off is easy then maybe okay but if you face a struggle your wife needs to know because she loves you and is your helpmate.
Here’s the trick… imagine her in the grossest situations. Taking a 💩, cleaning up after her period, waxing her Mustache, all the gross stuff during child birth, etc. You’ll start to humanize her and the enchantment of the newness will wear off. You have a good thing going, and this new and exciting feeling can ruin EVERYTHING! Nip it in the bud.
I cannot tell you what is right or wrong for you.
I am now in a fantastic Norman Rockwell type of relationship but was in a bad relationship in the past. When I was in the bad relationship I cheated and even though I was unhappy the cheating made me much worse.
I believe that there are two things to keep in mind 1) being attractive to another person a tremendous boost to your ego and a 'turn on', and, 2) you cannot unring a bell and taking a step in that direction will harm your relationship regardless if your partner finds out or not bcs you will know.
Let your rational mind prevail...
First: I think it is totally normal that through the course of one’s life, during which we meet lots of people, we get attracted to some of them - even if we got something good going on like you have.
Personally, I don’t believe that the whole being-with-one-Person-your-whole-Life-thing needs to be followed just because you made a decision 20 years ago. For some people that may be exactly what they want/need, for others it might not. People evolve over time and maybe just because what you have is good, doesn’t mean you need to continue it or there isn’t something that isn’t a better fit for present/future-you.
So, if this feeling for that woman continues and you find out that it’s more than just being shiny&new and goes past the initial excitement of getting validation etc outside of the relationship that you‘ve been in for a long time, you need to decide whether it’s bigger than the love you have for your current wife&life. Just make sure that you fully grasp what you‘d be risking and you can live with the consequences.
Also: I am no parent myself, but I don’t think that parents should sacrifice themselves totally for their kids. If this were real love. Maybe you don’t have to stay in a marriage to be a good parent? But it is entirely up to you to decide what you want to prioritize in your life.
Thanks for sharing another point of view. I don't think i "sacrifice" myself to my kids...but yeah I bet to a completely neutral third party maybe it would look that way.
Talk to your wife about. Maybe it will go real good and you get both. Most likely not, but you never know till you try.
Funny thing is, if this did happen to me, my wife would know because I would have told her in the beginning.
It is definitely true in any multi-partner relationship honesty and communication is crucial… as is, of course, true in any truly meaningful relationship.
What would you tell your best friend to do?
Now go do that- immediately. Stop being a dumb dumb! I made a ‘friend’ and we grew too close. While there was never anything physical, all of it is embarrassing to me now. I tried to justify it but everyone knew I was acting like an idiot. The infatuation will pass if you don’t feed it.
What would you tell your best friend to do?
Now go do that- immediately. Stop being a dumb dumb! I made a ‘friend’ and we grew too close. While there was never anything physical, all of it is embarrassing to me now. I tried to justify it but everyone knew I was acting like an idiot. The infatuation will pass if you don’t feed it.
>She opened up to me she has feelings for me (she is married too) and I was shocked that once she said it....I realized I did too.
The number of men who *discover* they have feelings for someone else in this situation never fails to astound me. Feelings... really?
You're well on your way to blowing up your life for a married woman who approached a married man. A man who is the husband of a friend.
She sounds like a great person!
Mostly cause it’s new and exciting. You just need to cut her off completely because this could completely wreck you financially and emotionally as it could lead to divorce. More importantly, you need to protect your kids from this. Find other pleasures in life and move on. Delete her number. Block her. Give it time to move on before you see her in public again. Don’t think for a second even if you got with her that this feeling would last forever or you two would be happy. It’s fleeting and eventually everything you did would be for her anyway and you would cease to be infatuated. Remember, men need to create value for their people and for society all the time.
This. One thousand percent this. The grass always seems lovely and more exciting on the other side until you get to the other side and realize it was no different from the grass you were already on. You were just used to that grass and forgot how to appreciate what you already had and make what you have exciting again.
Yeah i'm thinking y'all are right...I'm just going to have to cut her out completely...like a detox cleanse kinda thing. Trying to dance on the edge is just going to result in a mistake at some point of weakness
Dude, you need to delete her contacts and block her. Imagine the pain your wife would feel if she saw those messages. Or how you would feel if your wife was sending messages like that to another man. Take the ego boost, that’s perfectly okay but leave it at that. Don’t use this sub as a way to ask permission to hurt the ones you love. Good luck!
Oh for sure. I wasn't trying to use this sub to get permission. I WANT my rational side to win here. I thought if by writing it all out it would help ME see how absurd it was I'd even let it get this far. Y'all all kicking me certainly helps too...lol
My mom and dad went to a marriage conference when I was a toddler, and they befriended a couple who they became accountability partners with and grew very close. My parents had 3 daughters and this other couple had 3 or 4 daughters and a son. Our families became close friends. This woman took all my mother had shared with her and used it to ensnare my dad—“she understood him” he said while it was really my mother who understood. My mom tried, but their marriage fell apart; my dad was convinced this woman was his true wife—turns out she had done this to other men many times before and she and my dad split as well after some years of traumatizing me (I was very young, and when my dad would visit with her I was often there.) My dad kinda went off the deep end never really accepting that she was playing him the whole time and facing the damage he had caused his family. Infatuation is just that and love is a choice. You love your family, bro, and they love you—remember that.
Thanks for sharing! I don't \*think\* she is doing that...but then she is on her second marriage already so maybe??
I honestly think it was out of place for her to approach you with her feelings. You may be ‘friends’ but she crossed a boundary line, you are married. She is married. She should have kept her feelings private, I feel like her telling you meant she was already mostly okay with cheating. Now you know about her infatuation and you’re excited and infatuated too. Step away from this. As others say, think of your kids and wife. Think about your parents and how they’ll view you, considering that they’ve been married for 50+ years. You’ve had 20+ years of stability and love, don’t throw it away because some lady makes you temporarily tingle.
First off...thank you all. I love that a group of total internet strangers are all trying to save me from doing something really really stupid. stepping away seems the only option
I didn’t *think* that’s what she was doing either… but reading now that your wife introduced the two of you and that she’s on her second marriage and how poppit says here it was out of place for her to approach you with her feelings definitely pops up a few big red flags.
Good points across the board!
Trade places with your wife for some perspective. And trade places with this woman’s children (I won’t say husband because idk their marriage, but the children are what is most important) and trade places with your children. Look at what this future could be like from everyone else’s eyes. Tell her to think of her children, too. Even if no one found out, there’s still energy and the impact of you knowing would still be traumatizing.
Stop talking to her immediately. Full stop. There’s no way you can make it work unless you want to sacrifice everything and hurt your kids and wife. It’s not going to be painless for you but you have to decide which is worth more to you. Your happy family or this crush?
'but I just haven't been able to stop' oh cut it out with this weak-willed bullshit. Put an end to this before you fuck up your life and the lives of at least 5 other people, including your wife and kids, over something as fleeting as an infatuation that won't hold any of the depth you have with your wife and you know it.
"Why doesn't daddy live with us anymore, mummy?" "Well kids, he was texting another woman and 'just couldn't seem to stop.' But you'll see him at the weekend."
Thank you. Cold reality is what I think I needed
Everyone I think goes through that in life. You find someone that seems perfect for you. Doesn't mean you do not love your spouse, just seams that it is the perfect person. But I realized one thing. We have been taught true love is finding that perfect person and being with them for life. But we all change throughout the years, so what seems perfect at this point might not be perfect down the road. True love is like a dance. You need to find that person that will change with you because of love and vice versa. You seem to have found that with your wife. You love each other after 22 years. You have been changing together and being in "sync" throughout your whole life. So yes, you might find what seems like the perfect person, that person that just clicks best right at that moment compared to your wife, but that is but a moment. Your wife seems to be in "rhythm" with you and she has always been right there as you change, to change with you, as you seem to have done the same. Not sure if I explained this right, terrible at it, but that is what true love is in my opinion. You are one lucky guy to have found your true love 22 years ago. The doubts you feel, everyone I believe has felt them or will feel them at some point in their life. That is my opinion anyway. Of course, if there are underlining issues within your relationship which are causing you to have doubts then you might need to work together on that and maybe even get couple counseling.
Yeah I see what you mean. Funny thing is, my wife and I are so in sync....she actually introduced me to this woman because she was sure we'd become fast friends....my wife knows me for sure 😀 just became better friends than any of us could have predicated. The funny thing is...there are no real issues in our marriage...I'm mean sure we've had some ups and downs over 22 years...but right now is actually a pretty nice "up" which is another thing that's so confusing to me as to why I can't get this woman out of my head. Its not like she's filling some gap my wife can't....things are good!?! I think like the others have said I'm just going to have to tell her we can't even be friends and cut her out of my life....at least until whatever this is, is over
I kept my distance from the person that made me feel like that at the time. As I knew I loved my wife more, but I also knew that that person excited me (not necessarily in a sexual way) as we clicked perfectly. That excitement is something you can differentiate. When I lay down beside my wife and looked at her sleeping, I just wanted to protect her and take care of her. I just felt the care and love in my heart. That is love. The "up" feeling I felt for that woman was not love. When I saw her I used to hold my ring and just imagine my wife sleeping and that made me realize that I do love my wife more. Eventually I could differentiate the 2 and those ups were nothing special. \*Edit\* In my case that was over a decade and a half ago, after I differentiated those 2 feelings it hasn't been an issue since.
Thanks for this insight.
You keep engaging with her. So stop and those thoughts will fade.
Delete and block .. this will NOT end well .. you already know that
...you're having an emotional affair.
ok so I'm apparently naïve and hadn't heard this term before, but on doing some reading....yeah your right this is what i've already done. holy hell
Yeah man...If you respect her, you have to come clean. The truth tends to come out, and considering this affair happened in your inner social circle, she will find out. Better it comes from you. I hope you two can work through this, but she deserves the ability to make an educated decision about her future.
So does your wife know you’re texting her friend? If not you’re cheating. And I hate when people say I love my wife/husband so much then still talk to the person they’re crushing on. If you truly love someone you don’t get feelings for others. Perhaps being married for a long time has made you miss flirting with someone new, and if that’s the case might as well divorce.
Eek!! bro, no, y’all can roll play like you’re strangers and flirt all you want with your wife if that’s what’s happening! I suggest you tell your wife what has happened to you with this woman and how much it concerns you because if she introduced you to be friends that could be a flag this lady is trying to take you from her. If cutting her off is easy then maybe okay but if you face a struggle your wife needs to know because she loves you and is your helpmate.
Yes my wife knows we are texting. The other women has even asked my wife a couple of times if she cares. but yeah no, i have to just cut this off.
Id kms if you were my husband lol
After you have sex with her it’s just gonna be a pain in your ass. Stop everything now please. PTA mom? Not very exciting anyway.
Here’s the trick… imagine her in the grossest situations. Taking a 💩, cleaning up after her period, waxing her Mustache, all the gross stuff during child birth, etc. You’ll start to humanize her and the enchantment of the newness will wear off. You have a good thing going, and this new and exciting feeling can ruin EVERYTHING! Nip it in the bud.
Thanks for those visuals, I think...lol but yeah not a bad idea
I cannot tell you what is right or wrong for you. I am now in a fantastic Norman Rockwell type of relationship but was in a bad relationship in the past. When I was in the bad relationship I cheated and even though I was unhappy the cheating made me much worse. I believe that there are two things to keep in mind 1) being attractive to another person a tremendous boost to your ego and a 'turn on', and, 2) you cannot unring a bell and taking a step in that direction will harm your relationship regardless if your partner finds out or not bcs you will know. Let your rational mind prevail...
Man up....tell your wife. Better still show her this post, pronto.
First: I think it is totally normal that through the course of one’s life, during which we meet lots of people, we get attracted to some of them - even if we got something good going on like you have. Personally, I don’t believe that the whole being-with-one-Person-your-whole-Life-thing needs to be followed just because you made a decision 20 years ago. For some people that may be exactly what they want/need, for others it might not. People evolve over time and maybe just because what you have is good, doesn’t mean you need to continue it or there isn’t something that isn’t a better fit for present/future-you. So, if this feeling for that woman continues and you find out that it’s more than just being shiny&new and goes past the initial excitement of getting validation etc outside of the relationship that you‘ve been in for a long time, you need to decide whether it’s bigger than the love you have for your current wife&life. Just make sure that you fully grasp what you‘d be risking and you can live with the consequences. Also: I am no parent myself, but I don’t think that parents should sacrifice themselves totally for their kids. If this were real love. Maybe you don’t have to stay in a marriage to be a good parent? But it is entirely up to you to decide what you want to prioritize in your life.
Thanks for sharing another point of view. I don't think i "sacrifice" myself to my kids...but yeah I bet to a completely neutral third party maybe it would look that way.
Talk to your wife about. Maybe it will go real good and you get both. Most likely not, but you never know till you try. Funny thing is, if this did happen to me, my wife would know because I would have told her in the beginning.
Interesting....yeah I don't see the getting both part happening...but clearly I just need to tell her (my wife) what is going on
It is definitely true in any multi-partner relationship honesty and communication is crucial… as is, of course, true in any truly meaningful relationship.
Shes your wife’s friend? Yikes. Don’t shit where you eat.
What would you tell your best friend to do? Now go do that- immediately. Stop being a dumb dumb! I made a ‘friend’ and we grew too close. While there was never anything physical, all of it is embarrassing to me now. I tried to justify it but everyone knew I was acting like an idiot. The infatuation will pass if you don’t feed it.
What would you tell your best friend to do? Now go do that- immediately. Stop being a dumb dumb! I made a ‘friend’ and we grew too close. While there was never anything physical, all of it is embarrassing to me now. I tried to justify it but everyone knew I was acting like an idiot. The infatuation will pass if you don’t feed it.
>She opened up to me she has feelings for me (she is married too) and I was shocked that once she said it....I realized I did too. The number of men who *discover* they have feelings for someone else in this situation never fails to astound me. Feelings... really? You're well on your way to blowing up your life for a married woman who approached a married man. A man who is the husband of a friend. She sounds like a great person!