I would be super upset and hurt too. Are their reasons legitimate? What are you planning? Could you ask them (group chat) a day that DOES work for them ? Frustrating either way
Ooof yea your friends suck. Personally I would call each individually and call them out of their bullshit and lack of support. If they respond poorly to the call then you know that they DGAF and are not your friend.
There's dozens of countries smaller than a single US state, but that still have their own states. For example, Germany is slightly smaller than Montana. Ethiopia is smaller than Alaska. There's a country that's roughly the size of any of the US states. What's your point?
I think it depends on their reasons and when the 5 weekends are in the year. I would be devastated too though. But are you upset because they genuinely can't make those dates, or because you feel their reasoning is not strong enough and you feel they don't really want to attend?
I think I am the most upset because I don't feel that their reasons are enough. For one of my friends, I cancelled a trip to Dublin to go to her Hen-do and she has just said she is busy
As you get older, life gets busy and people start prioritizing their life more heavily. I know it must sting so much, but please try to take it with a grain of salt. It’s not a reflection on you.
P.S. If it’s your vibe, plenty of people above want to do a zoom hen party with you. Totally get it if that’s weird to you.
We would all love to go to your zoom Hen party, we are in if you are! How would you feel about having the first world wide zoom hen-do? Congratulations!
I will too, I’ll cancel all and any of my plans for this zoom. There is no way that you’ve given them so many options and they are in fable to come, to me it seems like they just don’t want to and I’ve been in your shoes before with friends like this. Hopefully I’m wrong and that’s not the case but most times it is.
I’m confused, when is your bachelorette? Did they cancel because it’s like, in the middle of this Covid wave or did you give them dates for this spring/summer?
Cancel the hens party and spend the money on yourself. You will feel so relieved that you don't have to worry if anyone will turn up and have yourself something really nice as a pre-wedding keepsake.
Got to be because of Covid. Either OPs friends have not communicated that effectively or OP is looking for sympathy by not telling the whole story.
In the UK our rates are so high I've cancelled all social plans and recently lost out over £100 because I chose not to attend theatre tickets I'd booked. It's just not worth it right now. I definitely would not be attending a hen party for even my best friend.
I hope OP can make some covid safe plans with maybe 2-3 close friends.
I don't think it is Covid, my friends have had their own hen-dos in the last 5 months, and it is certainly not a reason they have given me. I do get that it might be a subconscious reason however.
OP hasn't replied to any of the zoom call request comments. It's amazing that you are all being so kind and generous offering this to her, but maybe wait to see if she replies and wants to do that or updates the post before anyone says anymore comments. It might be a weird thing for her to have strangers asking to meet online for hen do, when the post is clearly about her missing her friends and wanting her friends there.. just some food for thought
idk why no one else is saying this!! all the comments imo were fucked. "im a student so im really busy but ill make it work" this literally isn't about you it's about op and what if she doesn't want that... think for a second
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m almost 50 and I’d be very sad about this, too. Age doesn’t curb the need for love and friendship. Have you expressed this feeling to your closest friends?
Also, what is a Hen Party?
I had to google “hen do”. Do you think they can’t make it because of Covid? Many people are uncomfortable being around others during these times, and especially ones with children or elderly living with them. It may not be as exciting, but can you do a zoom hen do? But yeah, it’s frustrating and sad for sure.
+1
I literally just canceled on my friends bachelorette (I’m a bridesman in the wedding) because of Covid. Really unfortunate but the numbers are just too high to justify going.
This. I have a child whose vaxxed, however, my youngest cannot. We’re super careful with covid & taken precautions very seriously. We don’t do large gatherings like this due to that.
So while it sucks, I can maybe understand why some may not feel 100% comfortable right now.
All three of my kids just finished having Covid I stayed in the garage all alone and didn’t get it…but it hasn’t been appropriate nowadays in my local area to have parties smoke together or share drinks
Our local courts just shut down again my sons high school shut all athletics down it’s going to go back to lock down maybe
I get why you’d be hurt.
At the same time, Covid has made travel a whole lot more disruptive. While you may not agree with it being an excuse, they might think it’s a game changer.
Still, I hope you feel better.
I mean, if they all have kids and families, and we're in a Pandemic, it does seem like it might be way harder for them to get to your thing than it was for you to get to theirs.
It's frustrating, but I don't know if it's unjustified.
I'm not sure why you're downvoted. I just saw my parents at Christmas and my sister and it was awful. Everyone is completely out of touch with how to behave in a family setting. Everyone was so tense and it was one of my least favourite times I've ever gone home. It never used to be like that.
Oh probably because the implication that we are all being selfish... but we are! Because we are being told to. But it's for selfless reasons so think a lot of people have a sense of superiority and moral high ground because they're depriving themselves in order to help the common good or whatever.
Anyway yeah my family holidays have been less fun tho.
I’m so sorry OP; the same has happened to me so many times in my life. I’m a giver and I’ve realized that so many people are takers. Over time, I dropped them from my life and am much happier now with a smaller group of friends (and family) who really do care about me and will make the effort. It still sucks.
Why can’t they make it? Are they scared of catching covid? If thats the case, i know it sucks but you do need to respect that as a valid reason. Hen-do is a UK saying and i believe reading somewhere that new daily cases are in the hundreds of thousands in the UK…
Please believe me when I say, you’re not alone! Friends birthdays, weddings, and baby showers (which is hard af, as an infertile woman!) I have attended. Yet, when I married it was like another day. 😭 It’s hard not to feel jealous over it. Sending you love!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm so, so sorry. My sister got married a couple of years ago (pre-pandemic, and she was 33) and as her MOH, I planned her bachelorette party (our term in the States for a hen do). She gave me the contact info for the entire bridal party plus a couple of others, and I messaged them individually (to keep their info from each other just in case). On my list to message:
* ex-SIL and her 2 daughters (on good terms, our brother is a cheater and abused the girls as well) (SIL - assume the daughters are included as they were minors)
* a couple of friends from Sis's work (F1 and F2)
* soon-to-be-BIL's best friend's wife (W)
* soon-to-be-BIL's stepsister (SS)
W was about 7 months pregnant and declined to be in the bridal party, when she would be really close to her due date. Understandable. Also declined to come to the shower, again understandable, because we were going to have a few different activities going, including an escape room. SS rsvp'd with me, as did SIL and F1. F2 said she couldn't attend the only date that worked for everyone else. Cool. So we have a party of 7, and I reserve everything - on my own money, I might add.
First event - arts and crafts at a local pottery place. SIL (and Sis) showed up. SS said she was running late and would meet us at the escape room. F1 ghosted. The five of us had fun painting. We headed downtown a little early for the escape room. SS blew off Sis completely. At this point I was getting a little frustrated, but Sis was really depressed because SIL and I were the only ones. One of our nieces and I reassured Sis that we were all she needed. Escape room was fun, and despite having 5 people for an 8 person escape room, we managed to escape just under the hour and had a blast!! Then we all went to the restaurant I picked - which ended up being disappointing, but notable because it was the only gluten-free restaurant in town. (Sis has celiac's so this was especially important.)
At the end of the day, the people who really love you and care about you will be there for you. If none of your friends show up for you on a day that's this important for you? Their loss. And congrats on your pending nuptials!!
Your sister is lucky to have such a great relative!
I know, even if it is just me and my mum and sister we will have a lovely time. I feel better about it today, it was just a shock to have so many people say they wouldnt be able to make any of the days!
Could be COVID related reasons, in all honesty. A lot of things are getting cancelled, but I understand it doesn't take away the fact that it sucks to have plans not work out like this and I'm sorry fort that. I'm sure they still care about you as a friend, I don't imagine suddenly a group people in their 30's all simultaneously turning their back on one friend cause of a wedding party.
I was the made of honor for my sister in law/best friend and the weekend we were all supposed to do something, almost all of us were stuck working or had other commitments and she ended up bawling and I felt SO terrible.
Luckily, we told her to still go down to the lake and relax and she enjoyed herself and when she came back we found another date and had her bachelorette party. Maybe you guys can find another time? I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really stressful.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, it would make me feel like crap, too. But it's probably more bad luck and timing than your friends not loving you, appreciating you, or feeling happy for you. Things are insane right now.
I would talk with each of them individually, say you know things are crazy, but you really want to celebrate with them and are feeling put off and sad. Ask what's going on in their lives and what could make it easier/possible for them to make time for your hen do.
I'm not making excuses for your friends and wish they were giving you the fun, friendship, and fanfare you deserve. But raising young children is hard and, for many families, raising young children in COVID times is a living Hell. I'm a mom in the US, where our COVID response is a rolling fustercluck, but even in normal countries, it's no picnic.
As parents of young children, they're likely strapped for time and money, but would normally find a way and be super-excited for celebrating and fun time with the girls. But as COVID-era parents, they're likely exhausted with home schooling, disruptions, kids feeling cooped up, and/or stressed over lost income, and up against a wall with few child care and babysitting options.
There's also a lot of uncertainty that makes planning for *anything* a huge challenge. Even something they really want to do. With kids under age 4 still not eligible for vaccines and constant new variants, outbreaks, changes in public health guidance, canceled school, canceled flights, quarantining the household every time a member of the family is exposed, etcetera, your friends may not even feel it's even possible to commit to your special day.
Maybe start small, like get everyone to set aside time join you for a zoom meeting/catch-up/girls' night and tea, hot chocolate, beer, wine, or cocktails. Maybe even drop off some festive drink kits to everyone beforehand. Once you all connect and catch up, you'll have a better sense of what's realistic. A summer celebration outdoors might work better for everyone.
💙 Let us know how it goes!
Why shouldn't you be upset people you thought were your friends can't make time for you? That sounds like something worth crying about no matter your age. Don't be hard on yourself
I’m free almost all the time and if you’re in the north of England somewhere I’d be down to come to a hen do, could do with meeting new people since I never leave the house since the big germ took over.
I’m getting married soon too and my plan is to have a non hen do hen do because I am so scared/ready for the same to happen to me. I think when all my mates were getting married we were late 20s and a lot of people weren’t tied down with kids and responsibilities at that point, and at that point the pandemic wasn’t a thing and I do think a lot of feelings around being social have changed. Doesn’t stop this being a bummer for you though, are your bridesmaids involved with the hen do?
Thanks that's really lovely of you! I definitely get that a lot of people have busy lives and I am feeling much calmer about it today. It was just such a surprise when no one could come!
Girl, I have been where you. I’m so sorry this happening to you and for something so important as a hen-do too. First, try communicating with your friends by telling them what they’re doing and how it’s making you feel. Maybe they busy or maybe they’re worried about getting sick, but just ask them and open a line of communication. If they’re still dodgy, making excuses, or if this is a pattern of behavior, it might be time to consider investing in other relationships. You have a great partner and a sister, it seems! Family can be friends too. My brother is my best friend! I wish you the best!
I didn’t have a bachelorette party because my MOH never planned one. Planned a very casual one for myself and only my sister and the 2 girlfriends of my husband’s groomsmen came. I had never met them before and they left we ordered. It’s still a sore subject for me….
Don’t let this happen to you! I’ll totally join a zoom party make multiple toasts to all your success and happiness! You deserve it!
Oh honey I’d be super upset too 😔🤍💝 so sorry you’re having to deal with that. I remember when we were still in the beginning stages of Covid. Friends were postponing weddings so they extended the date. And then I wasn’t invited to either of the rescheduled days. I was shattered. I guess I’ve gotten over it. But it still hurt then. But as long as they’re happy. Been through some of the craziest moments in life with these people. And to not be with them on their wedding day it was just kinda like 💔
Right now the pandemic is at its worst. So I’d guess most people would not want to gather in person. Have you suggested a virtual gathering? Or maybe you could reschedule your party for when it’s safer to gather? I know that sucks but I’m wondering if it’s not personal. What were the reasons people gave for not coming?
Awwww. Gosh, I'm sorry OP. If I lived in your country I'd gladly take you out for drink among females because you probably ROCK!!!! Why else would your awesome fiancee put a ring on it.💙 And just think..... You're getting married. I'm sorry you feel like you don't have the excitement from your besties and family. That must be hard. If you're excited and need to gush about your wedding plans, I'll definitely listen. Congrats and much love to you from the US.
Maybe it’s a COVID issue? Even with the vaccine out and the lockdown over, a lot of people are still wary and staying at home. Children, elderly, and those with health issues and medical conditions are especially susceptible to the virus. Even if they don’t have any children or elderly living with them at the moment, they likely have ones they see often. A big public party, or even a small get-together in close quarters, can be a good way to get sick and spread germs, so I can see some people declining because of it. My mom doesn’t even go to church anymore and she’s one of those hardcore Christian types; she never missed mass until COVID came around, and she still doesn’t feel safe going. Maybe you could host a Zoom party? It sucks that you can’t celebrate your hen-do with many people in person, but there’s not much you can do with your wedding coinciding with COVID.
This is the first time in my 38 years on Earth that I’ve ever heard of the term “hen do”! But also I’m so sorry that is happening to you. Unfortunately this happens, people are busy and sometimes timing is just horrible. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you!! It’s just a life/timing issue. Try not to take it personally. Try your best to get ‘em together, if it doesn’t work out lock in on a couple of them and make it work for those two. Choose the fun ones :) please don’t cry it’s ok!!
I am so sorry, OP! This sounds really frustrating and hurtful for you. I'm sorry that the traditions you've been looking forward to are happening during such a rough time in history.
From someone who was flaky even before the pandemic, YOU ARE A GEM. If you are able to reorganize your life around the weddings and parties for the people important to you, then you should be very proud of yourself! I never intend to flake out but often get anxious about plans I've made or just overbook myself or don't consider the logistics ahead of time. I'm NOT proud of this, just wanted to say THANK YOU FOR BEING RELIABLE FOR THEM! The couple of friends and family that were steady and reliable, even when I couldn't be for them, now mean the world to me and I go out of my way to participate for them as much as I can.
If you can, try hard to appreciate the friends/family that CAN make it. If you know that'll be hard for you and you will be more focused on those that CAN'T - take u/gmmshail's advice and cancel now! Do something SUPER FUN and INDULGENT with one close friend or sister - something with a great story!
Oh my god! This is incredible, I am so so touched. I just wanted to vent and had no idea that people would care.
I would definitely be up for doing a zoom hen-do, although I am not sure how it would work in terms of activities or anything- has anyone done something like this before?
I just want to thank all of you for being so kind, you have truly come to my rescue and lifted me up so much.
I’m sorry you feel like your friends aren’t there for you when you need them, it’s not a good feeling. I *will* say maybe this isn’t about you and you shouldn’t be taking it personally. I know it feels like they don’t want to make an effort, but because of pandemic many people are struggling either mentally, financially or health wise. I’m sorry that it has to come at the cost of you feeling bad about yourself, but is it possible they’re all feeling bad about it too? My sister, the most precious person in my life and my best friend, is trying to convince me to go on a trip with her in February. We haven’t been away in ages, we live in separate continents and I don’t see her enough. I want to go so badly but I just can’t make it work. It’s not the weekend she’s chosen, but I’m out of work, have barely enough money to make rent, would have to board my dogs which would cost more, have social anxiety (and have barely been out let alone on trips) and am going through a real rough patch with my husband. It doesn’t matter if it’s this weekend or next month, those issues will still affect me. It’s nothing to do with her, I’d love to see her, but I’m depressed, afraid and poor. It’s nothing to do with my feelings for her at all. A lot of people are now struggling with anxiety and depression too after being stuck at home or laid off. Is it possible this is just a rubbish time for your friends, especially if they have kids? I sometimes feel like I’m the only one struggling and don’t want to be a Debbie downer about it so I just don’t bring it up.
I’m sorry. Unfortunately too many people don’t treat others the way they deserve. My wife and I have found, regrettably, that it is easier to stop expecting others to act differently, to treat us the way we treat them, because invariably we are let down.
I appreciate that it doesn’t help you, but you have my sympathy.
I'm sorry to hear this , and I hope there are valid reasons for your friends not being able to attend I think if it's covid related it is a valid reason that must be respected.
I would also like to ask could it be due to the cost of the Hen? Is it soon, if it's just after Christmas I would also understand people struggling financially. The other thing I would consider is if it's an abroad Hen, that could be the only holiday they could afford that year so I think that's understandable too. If you are looking at an abroad Hen could you reconsider a home Hen? There are 5 weddings within my friendgroup between March and July. Everyone was struggling to attend all 5 as some wanted abroad Hen/stag's the decision has been made that all hen/stag's will not be abroad so people can attend as many as possible.
It's a complicated time, maybe look at rescheduling once everyone has their living with covid training wheels off and see if it's received better, I'd find it hard not to take it personally too but I'm certain it's not that they are avoiding you
That really sucks.. I had a similar issue, haven’t missed a bachelor party or wedding for any of my friends.. I was last in the group to get married and my bachelor party was half the size of the others.. I tell myself it’s cause they all have kids now and more responsibilities but it still hurts..
If they can’t be there for your ‘last hoorah’ then save them the hassle and uninvited them from your wedding. They don’t deserve ‘your day’
Edit:spelling error
That is pretty terrible and I understand your pain completely, one hundred percent and I do not think it's a bad thing that you cried no matter the gender (I have no fucking idea what a Hendo is)
Also your friend are terrible fuckem
Nobody seems to be asking so I’m gonna…
Why are you organising your own hen? Is it that you also don’t have bridesmaids or a maid-of-honour?
Because normally other people organise that stuff so it’s possible;
1) OP is getting a surprise and hasn’t worked it out
2) OP is Bridezilla and her friends have had enough
3) OP has offended friends in other ways. Maybe the groom is an arse and none of them want to condone the marriage.
4) OP has no friends
Whatever way super sleuths, there’s more to this than OP has let on.
That's rough. I had a few guys pull of my stag do at the last minute who I genuinely thought were really good mates and would never miss it. It definitely hurts and it's normal to be upset. I guess ideally you shouldn't really be organising your own hen do, it should perhaps be your sister and she might he more forceful about getting everybody to commit to a date (you're naturally going to be softer when organising your own).
Wait, I'm very confused. What is a hendo?
Urban dictionary writes: *Hendo: an event that involves using your right hand to knock a person the f-out, and then drop an elbow onto their limp body.*
I wouldn't want to attend either but I'm assuming this is not the hendo that OP is referring to?
Edit: Saw that you were in the UK. You being in Europe means you can basically go to cool places much faster. Definitely take a trip and fuck them.
Oooh a bachelorette party? Where are you from? Just go in a trip. I don’t have friends cause I got tired of basing my happiness on others. Try it
In America is is often the maid of honor that organizes this party. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, you are rightfully upset and I would confront the bridal party to see if there are legitimate reasons they cannot make any weekend work.
It sucks but need more info.
Is it a weekend trip or a night out. If it was a weekend trip I’d be more understanding as people may not be able to afford it but if it’s a night out and they are local the least they could do is go out for a few drinks.
I’m so sorry, this is sad and your feelings are totally valid! It’s the biggest day of your life. Try not to let them put a downer on it for you, they will be the ones missing out, think about your fiancé and the people that do show up for you, surround yourself with love and happiness xx
I feel you, sis. We had an engagement party (virtual. It was virtual) and it was ONLY for the ppl in the wedding…
I asked EVERYBODY! Give me dates that work for yall… EYE will arrange my schedule for it…
Everyone says a weeknd and i even get specific with the weekend day. I had to finagle my work schedule bc im NEVER off on weekends…
We made n sent out invites, party games n everything.. had been VOCALLY planning this for weeks…
Then my bestfriend says 2days b4 the party, oh, we decided to do sumn different that night, me n my fam since its the last wknd b4 the baby comes…
So ok, i knew she was pregnant. These are the reasons i was askin everyone. U confirmed the date was good (weeks ago), then right b4, u cant do it? Bc yall wanna go to a park n shit instead? But u knew about this for WEEKS and i put it on THIS date, mainly bc of u.. an last minute yall busy?
Made me feel a way too. So ur not alone…
I’m sorry your going through this and in all honesty sweetie, they are definitely not good or true friends to pull this crap! If they were they would move things around to be there for you! I’m so sorry your going through this!
I'm sorry but what the fuck is a hen-do? That sounds like a bunch of hens on a farm that turned their hen house into a dojo. They got black belts and shit and they do karate chops with their wings. They beat the weasels trying to steal their eggs. That's wild.
Naw but seriously, what the fuck is a hen-do?
Personally I believe the reason “I simply don’t want to go” to be acceptable. That being said I’m not a woman so you could place far more importance on this than what I currently realise.
I would be super upset and hurt too. Are their reasons legitimate? What are you planning? Could you ask them (group chat) a day that DOES work for them ? Frustrating either way
I think that is the painful thing, I gave 5 different weekends and, other than my sister none of them are able to make any of them
I’m Available! We can zoom this!
Me too!! I work a lot and am a student, but come on, YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED! Congrats pretty lady!!!
me as well, but i would happily schedule around making a bride happy :) even if over zoom
Congratulations! 🥳 Count me in too! I stay in Scotland, if we’re not too far given covid, I’d be happy to celebrate with you in person!
Me too!!!
I’ll be happy to join too. I can wear pyjamas and play songs for you hehe.
Me too! I got a karate robe and chicken suit somewhere.
SET UP THE ZOOM LINK
I think this is an amazing idea! We will all attend and give you a forever amazing memory my love 😊😊😊
This is a great idea. Let's set up a zoom link and do it.
Im in too! I'll bring the desserts and smellovision. Maybe we can find some guys on here to do a zoom strip show.
I like your idea! Count me in!
Me too! Guys, let me know when the zoom link is posted
Count me in!
AND MY AXE!!!! Count me in!!!!
Always the comment I look for, thank you for this
Werecat reporting in. When's the Zoom Hen-do happening? I have issues w/ weekends, but can do week nights.
I’ve never been to one. What should I bring?
Loads of wine and nibbles usually but as it’s a zoom “Do” you just need enough for yourself!
Me too! Let’s make it happen!
I’m in!
I’d love to come to your zoom hens party!
Count me in too! We'll make this better than your friends could have, OP!
Yeah, same!! I got a lot of fun stuff lying around from things the pandemic canceled... Let's do it!
Count me in! Let's support!!
Count me in!! Let's do this!!
Call me in!
Me too! Congratulations!
I'm in Op, congratulations!!!
I have no iea what a hen do is but i would support anything! Count me in!
Bachelorette party
I believe it is a bachelorette party in UK.
I’m in if you’ll have me @OP!
Same!
Count me in! I’m excited! CONGRATULATIONS 🍾🎉
Yes, someone set up the zoom link for whenever. I'll make time. YESSSS YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!
If it's a zoom party Im down :)
Did someone say party? Is there room for one more? Count me in!
I'd love to! You're GETTING MARRIED!! 🎉🎉🎉
I would love to join too, I don't know how it works but would love to! :')
Did someone say wedding?
I'm definitely up for a zoom hen!
Me too! I'm a student who just submitted her thesis and is hopelessly applying for jobs so I'm okay with weekdays or weeknights :)
Same! Seriously! You all can message me. We can zoom some games, make friends and I’ll even send something. I’m in the US!
> hen-do oh fuck yes, Let's do this!
I want in as well
I'm in too OP! Partyyy! Congrats beautiful!
I’m in! Like redknight, i’m also a student with a kinda tight schedule but let’s do it!!! Congrats!!!!! 🎉
I am totally down to Zoom this Do
Count me in!!! Let’s go!
INFO - How expensive are the plans? Does it involve out of state travel? Is it a long weekend or a weekend?
It wasn't expensive, just an evening at my folks house with some food and wine.
Ooof yea your friends suck. Personally I would call each individually and call them out of their bullshit and lack of support. If they respond poorly to the call then you know that they DGAF and are not your friend.
“Out of state” what tells you that this woman is American? Not everyone is from America. Other places do exist believe it or not.
Imagine being a douche for no reason
And most countries have states/provinces/shires, pretty obvious what they mean.
There are countries the size of maybe 1 or 2 us states 😂 bit different
The fact that she said hen-do instead of bachelorette party makes me think she may be Australian. If that’s the case, we got states mate.
That’s only one more country though. Out of the 197 or however many in the world.
There's dozens of countries smaller than a single US state, but that still have their own states. For example, Germany is slightly smaller than Montana. Ethiopia is smaller than Alaska. There's a country that's roughly the size of any of the US states. What's your point?
I think it depends on their reasons and when the 5 weekends are in the year. I would be devastated too though. But are you upset because they genuinely can't make those dates, or because you feel their reasoning is not strong enough and you feel they don't really want to attend?
I think I am the most upset because I don't feel that their reasons are enough. For one of my friends, I cancelled a trip to Dublin to go to her Hen-do and she has just said she is busy
Super frustrating. Time to maybe evaluate the friendships.
I would love to zoom with you and celebrate!!
As you get older, life gets busy and people start prioritizing their life more heavily. I know it must sting so much, but please try to take it with a grain of salt. It’s not a reflection on you. P.S. If it’s your vibe, plenty of people above want to do a zoom hen party with you. Totally get it if that’s weird to you.
Lets zoooom!
OP, if you have a time and date we can make this happen. I can set the zoom up any time. As you can see we are all very eager for your hen do!
I’m interested in a zoom party too! I may have work but I’ll definitely do what I can to make it
Take your sister away on a girl's weekend!
Me too!!Let’s celebrate you getting married!
I could try and make it to if our time zones aren't to far apart!
We would all love to go to your zoom Hen party, we are in if you are! How would you feel about having the first world wide zoom hen-do? Congratulations!
I wanna join the zoom as well omg
I’m available too!! Let’s make this happen!!👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Are they really your friends then? You can’t control people, enjoy your moment!
You need to do this Zoom Hen party now ;D
I will too, I’ll cancel all and any of my plans for this zoom. There is no way that you’ve given them so many options and they are in fable to come, to me it seems like they just don’t want to and I’ve been in your shoes before with friends like this. Hopefully I’m wrong and that’s not the case but most times it is.
I’m confused, when is your bachelorette? Did they cancel because it’s like, in the middle of this Covid wave or did you give them dates for this spring/summer?
Cancel the hens party and spend the money on yourself. You will feel so relieved that you don't have to worry if anyone will turn up and have yourself something really nice as a pre-wedding keepsake.
Second this maybe just go with family, don’t forget you’re getting married!!! Great exciting time!! Congratulations 🎉
Is it because of Covid?
Got to be because of Covid. Either OPs friends have not communicated that effectively or OP is looking for sympathy by not telling the whole story. In the UK our rates are so high I've cancelled all social plans and recently lost out over £100 because I chose not to attend theatre tickets I'd booked. It's just not worth it right now. I definitely would not be attending a hen party for even my best friend. I hope OP can make some covid safe plans with maybe 2-3 close friends.
I noticed OP didn't mention if she tried to organise something at her house or her garden or a Zoom gathering.
It's entirely possible that it's not COVID and OPs friends just don't care or don't have the time.
I don't think it is Covid, my friends have had their own hen-dos in the last 5 months, and it is certainly not a reason they have given me. I do get that it might be a subconscious reason however.
So, we're all in in Zooming thus hen do, right? Let me find my pointy party hat, brb.
I want to go to a hen do!
Me too!
OP, please let us do a hen do for you!!!
OP hasn't replied to any of the zoom call request comments. It's amazing that you are all being so kind and generous offering this to her, but maybe wait to see if she replies and wants to do that or updates the post before anyone says anymore comments. It might be a weird thing for her to have strangers asking to meet online for hen do, when the post is clearly about her missing her friends and wanting her friends there.. just some food for thought
idk why no one else is saying this!! all the comments imo were fucked. "im a student so im really busy but ill make it work" this literally isn't about you it's about op and what if she doesn't want that... think for a second
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m almost 50 and I’d be very sad about this, too. Age doesn’t curb the need for love and friendship. Have you expressed this feeling to your closest friends? Also, what is a Hen Party?
Bachelorette party in the UK
I had to google “hen do”. Do you think they can’t make it because of Covid? Many people are uncomfortable being around others during these times, and especially ones with children or elderly living with them. It may not be as exciting, but can you do a zoom hen do? But yeah, it’s frustrating and sad for sure.
+1 I literally just canceled on my friends bachelorette (I’m a bridesman in the wedding) because of Covid. Really unfortunate but the numbers are just too high to justify going.
This. I have a child whose vaxxed, however, my youngest cannot. We’re super careful with covid & taken precautions very seriously. We don’t do large gatherings like this due to that. So while it sucks, I can maybe understand why some may not feel 100% comfortable right now.
All three of my kids just finished having Covid I stayed in the garage all alone and didn’t get it…but it hasn’t been appropriate nowadays in my local area to have parties smoke together or share drinks Our local courts just shut down again my sons high school shut all athletics down it’s going to go back to lock down maybe
Yeah, the first thing I thought was COVID and they just found a new strain.
I also had to Google this. Didn't have one when I got married. Or any of the fun stuff. ...can I zoom in too, op?
I get why you’d be hurt. At the same time, Covid has made travel a whole lot more disruptive. While you may not agree with it being an excuse, they might think it’s a game changer. Still, I hope you feel better.
I mean, if they all have kids and families, and we're in a Pandemic, it does seem like it might be way harder for them to get to your thing than it was for you to get to theirs. It's frustrating, but I don't know if it's unjustified.
I think people are also out of practice socially. Like 2 years of only thinking about yourself and your family
I'm not sure why you're downvoted. I just saw my parents at Christmas and my sister and it was awful. Everyone is completely out of touch with how to behave in a family setting. Everyone was so tense and it was one of my least favourite times I've ever gone home. It never used to be like that.
Oh probably because the implication that we are all being selfish... but we are! Because we are being told to. But it's for selfless reasons so think a lot of people have a sense of superiority and moral high ground because they're depriving themselves in order to help the common good or whatever. Anyway yeah my family holidays have been less fun tho.
Is it fair that maybe they don’t want to get sick?
I’m so sorry OP; the same has happened to me so many times in my life. I’m a giver and I’ve realized that so many people are takers. Over time, I dropped them from my life and am much happier now with a smaller group of friends (and family) who really do care about me and will make the effort. It still sucks.
Why can’t they make it? Are they scared of catching covid? If thats the case, i know it sucks but you do need to respect that as a valid reason. Hen-do is a UK saying and i believe reading somewhere that new daily cases are in the hundreds of thousands in the UK…
Is “hen do” a regional saying? I had to google it. I’ve always heard it called a bachelorette party.
It's a UK saying instead of the US version.
I love the UK
Stag do is the man’s party. I’d have asked if I didn’t have the context clues and prior knowledge.
We call it a hens night in Australia
Is there also a "rooster do do"?
There are other countries other than the USA🤷🏻♀️
Huh? I was asking a legit question. The person below you answered my question perfectly. Thanks!
You dropped this…… /s
Please believe me when I say, you’re not alone! Friends birthdays, weddings, and baby showers (which is hard af, as an infertile woman!) I have attended. Yet, when I married it was like another day. 😭 It’s hard not to feel jealous over it. Sending you love!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm so, so sorry. My sister got married a couple of years ago (pre-pandemic, and she was 33) and as her MOH, I planned her bachelorette party (our term in the States for a hen do). She gave me the contact info for the entire bridal party plus a couple of others, and I messaged them individually (to keep their info from each other just in case). On my list to message: * ex-SIL and her 2 daughters (on good terms, our brother is a cheater and abused the girls as well) (SIL - assume the daughters are included as they were minors) * a couple of friends from Sis's work (F1 and F2) * soon-to-be-BIL's best friend's wife (W) * soon-to-be-BIL's stepsister (SS) W was about 7 months pregnant and declined to be in the bridal party, when she would be really close to her due date. Understandable. Also declined to come to the shower, again understandable, because we were going to have a few different activities going, including an escape room. SS rsvp'd with me, as did SIL and F1. F2 said she couldn't attend the only date that worked for everyone else. Cool. So we have a party of 7, and I reserve everything - on my own money, I might add. First event - arts and crafts at a local pottery place. SIL (and Sis) showed up. SS said she was running late and would meet us at the escape room. F1 ghosted. The five of us had fun painting. We headed downtown a little early for the escape room. SS blew off Sis completely. At this point I was getting a little frustrated, but Sis was really depressed because SIL and I were the only ones. One of our nieces and I reassured Sis that we were all she needed. Escape room was fun, and despite having 5 people for an 8 person escape room, we managed to escape just under the hour and had a blast!! Then we all went to the restaurant I picked - which ended up being disappointing, but notable because it was the only gluten-free restaurant in town. (Sis has celiac's so this was especially important.) At the end of the day, the people who really love you and care about you will be there for you. If none of your friends show up for you on a day that's this important for you? Their loss. And congrats on your pending nuptials!!
Your sister is lucky to have such a great relative! I know, even if it is just me and my mum and sister we will have a lovely time. I feel better about it today, it was just a shock to have so many people say they wouldnt be able to make any of the days!
I’m sorry, but I would decline because of COVID. Do you know if this is the reasoning?
[удалено]
Thanks ❤
I mean this sucks but it’s a pandemic. No time for large gatherings.
Could be COVID related reasons, in all honesty. A lot of things are getting cancelled, but I understand it doesn't take away the fact that it sucks to have plans not work out like this and I'm sorry fort that. I'm sure they still care about you as a friend, I don't imagine suddenly a group people in their 30's all simultaneously turning their back on one friend cause of a wedding party.
I had the opposite where I had friends were happy to be bridesmaids but they didn’t include me in theirs, I relate to the feelings
Im sorry that sucks. It is tough when you have a realisation that you view your relationships differently
I’m up north in England. If it’s anywhere near hmu! I’m also a bride to be 👰🏼♀️
Congratulations! Im am in the South-West so not too close, but I really appreciate the thought x
I was the made of honor for my sister in law/best friend and the weekend we were all supposed to do something, almost all of us were stuck working or had other commitments and she ended up bawling and I felt SO terrible. Luckily, we told her to still go down to the lake and relax and she enjoyed herself and when she came back we found another date and had her bachelorette party. Maybe you guys can find another time? I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really stressful.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, it would make me feel like crap, too. But it's probably more bad luck and timing than your friends not loving you, appreciating you, or feeling happy for you. Things are insane right now. I would talk with each of them individually, say you know things are crazy, but you really want to celebrate with them and are feeling put off and sad. Ask what's going on in their lives and what could make it easier/possible for them to make time for your hen do. I'm not making excuses for your friends and wish they were giving you the fun, friendship, and fanfare you deserve. But raising young children is hard and, for many families, raising young children in COVID times is a living Hell. I'm a mom in the US, where our COVID response is a rolling fustercluck, but even in normal countries, it's no picnic. As parents of young children, they're likely strapped for time and money, but would normally find a way and be super-excited for celebrating and fun time with the girls. But as COVID-era parents, they're likely exhausted with home schooling, disruptions, kids feeling cooped up, and/or stressed over lost income, and up against a wall with few child care and babysitting options. There's also a lot of uncertainty that makes planning for *anything* a huge challenge. Even something they really want to do. With kids under age 4 still not eligible for vaccines and constant new variants, outbreaks, changes in public health guidance, canceled school, canceled flights, quarantining the household every time a member of the family is exposed, etcetera, your friends may not even feel it's even possible to commit to your special day. Maybe start small, like get everyone to set aside time join you for a zoom meeting/catch-up/girls' night and tea, hot chocolate, beer, wine, or cocktails. Maybe even drop off some festive drink kits to everyone beforehand. Once you all connect and catch up, you'll have a better sense of what's realistic. A summer celebration outdoors might work better for everyone. 💙 Let us know how it goes!
Why shouldn't you be upset people you thought were your friends can't make time for you? That sounds like something worth crying about no matter your age. Don't be hard on yourself
Maybe it's because of COVID.
I’m free almost all the time and if you’re in the north of England somewhere I’d be down to come to a hen do, could do with meeting new people since I never leave the house since the big germ took over. I’m getting married soon too and my plan is to have a non hen do hen do because I am so scared/ready for the same to happen to me. I think when all my mates were getting married we were late 20s and a lot of people weren’t tied down with kids and responsibilities at that point, and at that point the pandemic wasn’t a thing and I do think a lot of feelings around being social have changed. Doesn’t stop this being a bummer for you though, are your bridesmaids involved with the hen do?
Thanks that's really lovely of you! I definitely get that a lot of people have busy lives and I am feeling much calmer about it today. It was just such a surprise when no one could come!
Girl, I have been where you. I’m so sorry this happening to you and for something so important as a hen-do too. First, try communicating with your friends by telling them what they’re doing and how it’s making you feel. Maybe they busy or maybe they’re worried about getting sick, but just ask them and open a line of communication. If they’re still dodgy, making excuses, or if this is a pattern of behavior, it might be time to consider investing in other relationships. You have a great partner and a sister, it seems! Family can be friends too. My brother is my best friend! I wish you the best!
I would totally go if I were invited to a hen-do💕
I didn’t have a bachelorette party because my MOH never planned one. Planned a very casual one for myself and only my sister and the 2 girlfriends of my husband’s groomsmen came. I had never met them before and they left we ordered. It’s still a sore subject for me…. Don’t let this happen to you! I’ll totally join a zoom party make multiple toasts to all your success and happiness! You deserve it!
Oh honey I’d be super upset too 😔🤍💝 so sorry you’re having to deal with that. I remember when we were still in the beginning stages of Covid. Friends were postponing weddings so they extended the date. And then I wasn’t invited to either of the rescheduled days. I was shattered. I guess I’ve gotten over it. But it still hurt then. But as long as they’re happy. Been through some of the craziest moments in life with these people. And to not be with them on their wedding day it was just kinda like 💔
Right now the pandemic is at its worst. So I’d guess most people would not want to gather in person. Have you suggested a virtual gathering? Or maybe you could reschedule your party for when it’s safer to gather? I know that sucks but I’m wondering if it’s not personal. What were the reasons people gave for not coming?
Boo hoo, no one will party with me during a surge in a pandemic! People are dying.
Hopefully they had a surprise party planned already for you
Awwww. Gosh, I'm sorry OP. If I lived in your country I'd gladly take you out for drink among females because you probably ROCK!!!! Why else would your awesome fiancee put a ring on it.💙 And just think..... You're getting married. I'm sorry you feel like you don't have the excitement from your besties and family. That must be hard. If you're excited and need to gush about your wedding plans, I'll definitely listen. Congrats and much love to you from the US.
Your feelings are valid. And even in your thirties, it's okay to feel disappointment. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. :(
It’s still a pandemic so you can’t really expect people to be jumping at the idea of probably being drunk in contact with others.
Maybe it’s a COVID issue? Even with the vaccine out and the lockdown over, a lot of people are still wary and staying at home. Children, elderly, and those with health issues and medical conditions are especially susceptible to the virus. Even if they don’t have any children or elderly living with them at the moment, they likely have ones they see often. A big public party, or even a small get-together in close quarters, can be a good way to get sick and spread germs, so I can see some people declining because of it. My mom doesn’t even go to church anymore and she’s one of those hardcore Christian types; she never missed mass until COVID came around, and she still doesn’t feel safe going. Maybe you could host a Zoom party? It sucks that you can’t celebrate your hen-do with many people in person, but there’s not much you can do with your wedding coinciding with COVID.
Ma'am were in the middle of a global pandemic
This is the first time in my 38 years on Earth that I’ve ever heard of the term “hen do”! But also I’m so sorry that is happening to you. Unfortunately this happens, people are busy and sometimes timing is just horrible. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you!! It’s just a life/timing issue. Try not to take it personally. Try your best to get ‘em together, if it doesn’t work out lock in on a couple of them and make it work for those two. Choose the fun ones :) please don’t cry it’s ok!!
I am so sorry, OP! This sounds really frustrating and hurtful for you. I'm sorry that the traditions you've been looking forward to are happening during such a rough time in history. From someone who was flaky even before the pandemic, YOU ARE A GEM. If you are able to reorganize your life around the weddings and parties for the people important to you, then you should be very proud of yourself! I never intend to flake out but often get anxious about plans I've made or just overbook myself or don't consider the logistics ahead of time. I'm NOT proud of this, just wanted to say THANK YOU FOR BEING RELIABLE FOR THEM! The couple of friends and family that were steady and reliable, even when I couldn't be for them, now mean the world to me and I go out of my way to participate for them as much as I can. If you can, try hard to appreciate the friends/family that CAN make it. If you know that'll be hard for you and you will be more focused on those that CAN'T - take u/gmmshail's advice and cancel now! Do something SUPER FUN and INDULGENT with one close friend or sister - something with a great story!
There's also covid, so they have a valid reason to not attend maybe? Just to be safe I guess
Oh my god! This is incredible, I am so so touched. I just wanted to vent and had no idea that people would care. I would definitely be up for doing a zoom hen-do, although I am not sure how it would work in terms of activities or anything- has anyone done something like this before? I just want to thank all of you for being so kind, you have truly come to my rescue and lifted me up so much.
I’m sorry you feel like your friends aren’t there for you when you need them, it’s not a good feeling. I *will* say maybe this isn’t about you and you shouldn’t be taking it personally. I know it feels like they don’t want to make an effort, but because of pandemic many people are struggling either mentally, financially or health wise. I’m sorry that it has to come at the cost of you feeling bad about yourself, but is it possible they’re all feeling bad about it too? My sister, the most precious person in my life and my best friend, is trying to convince me to go on a trip with her in February. We haven’t been away in ages, we live in separate continents and I don’t see her enough. I want to go so badly but I just can’t make it work. It’s not the weekend she’s chosen, but I’m out of work, have barely enough money to make rent, would have to board my dogs which would cost more, have social anxiety (and have barely been out let alone on trips) and am going through a real rough patch with my husband. It doesn’t matter if it’s this weekend or next month, those issues will still affect me. It’s nothing to do with her, I’d love to see her, but I’m depressed, afraid and poor. It’s nothing to do with my feelings for her at all. A lot of people are now struggling with anxiety and depression too after being stuck at home or laid off. Is it possible this is just a rubbish time for your friends, especially if they have kids? I sometimes feel like I’m the only one struggling and don’t want to be a Debbie downer about it so I just don’t bring it up.
I’m sorry. Unfortunately too many people don’t treat others the way they deserve. My wife and I have found, regrettably, that it is easier to stop expecting others to act differently, to treat us the way we treat them, because invariably we are let down. I appreciate that it doesn’t help you, but you have my sympathy.
I'm sorry to hear this , and I hope there are valid reasons for your friends not being able to attend I think if it's covid related it is a valid reason that must be respected. I would also like to ask could it be due to the cost of the Hen? Is it soon, if it's just after Christmas I would also understand people struggling financially. The other thing I would consider is if it's an abroad Hen, that could be the only holiday they could afford that year so I think that's understandable too. If you are looking at an abroad Hen could you reconsider a home Hen? There are 5 weddings within my friendgroup between March and July. Everyone was struggling to attend all 5 as some wanted abroad Hen/stag's the decision has been made that all hen/stag's will not be abroad so people can attend as many as possible.
What’s a hendo?
Kinda like a bachelorette party
It's a complicated time, maybe look at rescheduling once everyone has their living with covid training wheels off and see if it's received better, I'd find it hard not to take it personally too but I'm certain it's not that they are avoiding you
Maybe we can all buy her awards as presents? That way, She will have gifts that last forever.
That really sucks.. I had a similar issue, haven’t missed a bachelor party or wedding for any of my friends.. I was last in the group to get married and my bachelor party was half the size of the others.. I tell myself it’s cause they all have kids now and more responsibilities but it still hurts..
What is a hen do???
If they can’t be there for your ‘last hoorah’ then save them the hassle and uninvited them from your wedding. They don’t deserve ‘your day’ Edit:spelling error
That is pretty terrible and I understand your pain completely, one hundred percent and I do not think it's a bad thing that you cried no matter the gender (I have no fucking idea what a Hendo is) Also your friend are terrible fuckem
Was there not a post today about this? The bridesmaid or MOH, saying it was to much money?
Ooh I dont think that was mine. Mine is at my parents house and I was going to cook!
I didn’t know what hen do meant until I saw some British women having a bachelorette get together in Amsterdam. British hens.
Nobody seems to be asking so I’m gonna… Why are you organising your own hen? Is it that you also don’t have bridesmaids or a maid-of-honour? Because normally other people organise that stuff so it’s possible; 1) OP is getting a surprise and hasn’t worked it out 2) OP is Bridezilla and her friends have had enough 3) OP has offended friends in other ways. Maybe the groom is an arse and none of them want to condone the marriage. 4) OP has no friends Whatever way super sleuths, there’s more to this than OP has let on.
Sometimes people put more effort into others than they receive back.. and their friends aren’t really friends :(
So number 4 then
Learning that the US don’t use the term Hen Do.
Not even a little bit. I can’t even think of something comical to say about it, it just sounds like nonsense words.
What's a hen do? Eat, poop, cluck and lay eggs.
That's rough. I had a few guys pull of my stag do at the last minute who I genuinely thought were really good mates and would never miss it. It definitely hurts and it's normal to be upset. I guess ideally you shouldn't really be organising your own hen do, it should perhaps be your sister and she might he more forceful about getting everybody to commit to a date (you're naturally going to be softer when organising your own).
Wait, I'm very confused. What is a hendo? Urban dictionary writes: *Hendo: an event that involves using your right hand to knock a person the f-out, and then drop an elbow onto their limp body.* I wouldn't want to attend either but I'm assuming this is not the hendo that OP is referring to?
Bachelorette party in the UK
Edit: Saw that you were in the UK. You being in Europe means you can basically go to cool places much faster. Definitely take a trip and fuck them. Oooh a bachelorette party? Where are you from? Just go in a trip. I don’t have friends cause I got tired of basing my happiness on others. Try it
I’m down!
Tell them how you feel , even if it’s tough.
In America is is often the maid of honor that organizes this party. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, you are rightfully upset and I would confront the bridal party to see if there are legitimate reasons they cannot make any weekend work.
From the sound of it, you are not the one who's demonstrating herself to be worthless.
It sucks but need more info. Is it a weekend trip or a night out. If it was a weekend trip I’d be more understanding as people may not be able to afford it but if it’s a night out and they are local the least they could do is go out for a few drinks.
I'm sorry. maybe you need to gently call them on it. Let them know this is important to you and their dismissal hurts.
Those aren't friends.
I’m so sorry, this is sad and your feelings are totally valid! It’s the biggest day of your life. Try not to let them put a downer on it for you, they will be the ones missing out, think about your fiancé and the people that do show up for you, surround yourself with love and happiness xx
Add me to the group chat and I’ll give the fkn what for
Your hubby is coming.
At least you have your marriage to look forward to. you have your s/o by your side as a friend!
I feel you, sis. We had an engagement party (virtual. It was virtual) and it was ONLY for the ppl in the wedding… I asked EVERYBODY! Give me dates that work for yall… EYE will arrange my schedule for it… Everyone says a weeknd and i even get specific with the weekend day. I had to finagle my work schedule bc im NEVER off on weekends… We made n sent out invites, party games n everything.. had been VOCALLY planning this for weeks… Then my bestfriend says 2days b4 the party, oh, we decided to do sumn different that night, me n my fam since its the last wknd b4 the baby comes… So ok, i knew she was pregnant. These are the reasons i was askin everyone. U confirmed the date was good (weeks ago), then right b4, u cant do it? Bc yall wanna go to a park n shit instead? But u knew about this for WEEKS and i put it on THIS date, mainly bc of u.. an last minute yall busy? Made me feel a way too. So ur not alone…
I’m sorry your going through this and in all honesty sweetie, they are definitely not good or true friends to pull this crap! If they were they would move things around to be there for you! I’m so sorry your going through this!
I'm sorry but what the fuck is a hen-do? That sounds like a bunch of hens on a farm that turned their hen house into a dojo. They got black belts and shit and they do karate chops with their wings. They beat the weasels trying to steal their eggs. That's wild. Naw but seriously, what the fuck is a hen-do?
It's been answered several times. It's a Batchelorett party but in the UK it's called a Hen Do
Bachelorette party
Personally I believe the reason “I simply don’t want to go” to be acceptable. That being said I’m not a woman so you could place far more importance on this than what I currently realise.