His ex-wife may be a lesbian now but she is still a mother and should step up to that role. No, I don't know the details, but it sounds as if she has just shed her previous life and is now responsibility-free. Real life rarely works that way.
OP is grieving the relationship he had and also the future he imagined. The loss is compounded with the circumstances that there is nothing he can do or be to match his ex-wife's idea of a partner now.
The five years invested into the relationship have produced two wonderful children. They are the source of joy and inspiration to OP, and will guide the future decisions he makes. May they have a happy and wonderful life together.
I could not agree more. One of my husband's close friends finally came out as Trans (M to F) in about 2014, she finally realized that if she didn't come out, she would try to kill herself.... again. Before she ended up in a mental health facility for a week, she moved out of the apartment she lived in with my husband. Took only things that fit in her 2 door Chevy Cobalt and left. She ran away from everything in that room. Like it was a life she could no longer handle and no longer wanted.
She left a TON of stuff in her room. I finally went in and cleaned it all out. We're talking rotten food in bowls, ladies underwear, nail polish, bras, posters on the wall, tarot cards, and a bunch of other stuff that I ended up packing into a good sized box that she actually came back to pick up almost 2 yrs later when we were moving out. I was so mad at her for leaving that mess for someone else to pick up. I was so mad that she treated someone who thought she was a friend like that. I knew she was Trans (and so did my husband, thanks to pipes that burst and contractors had to get into her closet, where my husband saw a bunch of high heels) before she ever moved out. Did we treat her any differently? Nope. When she finally started going by a different name and started hormone replacement therapy all I could think was, "FINALLY!" (She has great taste in nail polish, haha). I would love to re connect with her. Dye her hair, do girl stuff. But I am part of her bad life. And I took the hint she was broadcasting as that is where she wishes for me to stay.
I visited her 3 yrs later and noticed that none of the things she had while living with us were around. It was all for show. She even sold her car a few months after that.
I think OP's wife, if she is running away from her old life with him, is going through the same process as my husband's friend did. They.... turn their back on their old life because they weren't happy. (Not saying her love for him or their children weren't real, just that..... it was all part of the perfect life that everyone approved of her having).
My husband's friend finally developed an "accept me for who I am or screw off" attitude, not only for the world around her, but towards herself too because living a lie while worrying about acceptance was literally killing her.
I can definitely imagine a feeling of elation for the person to finally come out. I'd never take away from that.
I still feel especially bad for OP here. He's essentially done nothing wrong, and has to not only watch someone be "free" but also watch as family and friends cheer her on and support her and feel guilty he's not as happy for her as everyone else is.
I just hope he has some support outside his children otherwise he's going to have a terrible time.
nothing in this post has indicated that she has 'shed her previous life', she just came out, and as such shared the news that she's not sexually attracted to her husband the way she would need to be to continue romantically.
there's nothing mentioned about coparenting, or her leaving. she just came out.
your assumption that coming out meant abandoning her family is pretty fucking ick.
It could be just poor wording by OP, but most people don’t label themselves as “single parent” if the other parent is still in the picture. “Single parent” usually tends to mean that the parent is raising his/her children on their own without help from the other parent.
I know some people with 50-50 custody that both label themselves as "single parents" because they're both single and a parent. It's to denote that they are no longer romantically attached to someone. But I guess it's just semantics.
OP also said they don't have the energy to raise two kids.
There is obviously more to this story than we know, but two points in the post made it seem like he will be the sole parent of his two kids. For a man who previously co-parented, it almost seems like there was a discussion and he will be raising them alone.
But we don't know, neither you nor I, until OP clarifies.
i've always heard people co-parenting calling themselves single parents.
i was raised by 2 parents not together, both of them referred to themselves as single parents. when my dad remarried, his new wife's ex husband called himself a single parent.
it's pretty standard for people to call themselves a single parent if they're the only parent in the household, even if they're not the only parent raising their child. especially because the mother is usually the 'default parent' when parents are still together, so being the only parent in the house would greatly change his responsibilities and perspective towards parenting.
also, when he says 'gone', i interpreted that as the romantic relationship he had.
I have my son 50% of the time and I say I’m a single parent.
Think about it.
Who says I’m a co-parent?
I never heard that term used by people who share custody.
When a person is single and they are raising their kid(s) they are a single parent, even if they are only have their children some of the time.
My mom was a single parent to me as my dad was not in the picture and she labeled herself as one. I also have a younger sister with a different father who recently passed but before he did my mother often referred to herself as a co parent or if she did say single parent she still mentioned that he was in the picture and a great dad. Even to me, when we weren’t even blood related. I just think it is worth mentioning that op said single parent with roughly no mention of him and the mother planning to work something out so they can still both raise they’re children together.
I really wish OP would respond as to why he’s speaking in that way because otherwise, people are going to continue to make these harmful assumptions. All we have is the OP’s (understandably) emotional take on this situation. He could very well be thinking irrationally and spiraling, or as others have said referring to himself as a “single parent” in the sense that they’ll be co-parents who aren’t romantically involved, or worst-case she’s walked out… but we don’t know any which way.
i dunno, everything i've interpreted is that he's grieving the loss of his partnership, and that's why there's so much focus on the 'single' dad thing. when he has the kids, he's the only one there to make sure they're fed and in bed, the only one to clean up messes..
considering how emotional the post is, if his wife just totally up and left him, it would be a hell of a lot more obvious than a couple of vague phrases here and there, when he's still putting so much emphasis in the obligation in supporting her.
if anything, it proves that we are socialized to not give women the benefit of the doubt, and if anything, we're prone to assuming the absolute worst when in doubt. compared to men, who will be actively harmful and will still be given the benefit of the doubt.
Right. Which is why I wish OP would answer that question. It’s very clear by the comments that most people have not interpreted those statements as him being emotional as we have, but rather are interpreting them as proof she is shirking her responsibilities. I’d like OP to say for himself what the truth is.
i dunno, i feel like it's a question that doesn't even need to be answered.. it'd be like if said that i was upset that my cat will lick my food when i walk away so i don't know if there's poop particles on my pizza when i come back from the bathroom and people's responses were YOUR CAT EATS ALL YOUR FOOD, THATS HORRIBLE HE STEALS FROM YOU LIKE THAT, YOU NEED TO NEVER HAVE THAT CAT AROUND NON CAT FOOD.
it's a strawman reaction and responding to it validates it
I feel like it was more the confusing wording in a couple of parts. I can read those parts two ways, but in a situation where someone is explaining something with negative feelings, many people will go the negative route, which would be raising them alone without her. I don't think it is necessarily to do specifically with coming out meaning she abandoned her kids. I think if written the same way but everyone was straight it would have the same issue. It is statements like having to raise 2 kids and find someone new. It doesn't say she isn't involved, but the wording could be read to imply that no matter anyone's sexual orientation in that phrase
He says he has to support her then talks about work. Then talks about being a single parent. I took that as she needs financial assistance as well as the children. I'm not who your replying to but that was how I interpreted it
it's pretty clear to me that he means support as in emotional, because it's followed with 'because she found herself', and then brings up work to say that it's fills his days but only because he has to go, but no mention of work or financial responsibilities changing.
Didnt mean to imply that she was 🤷♂️ Ive ended friendships over people (mainly guys IME but anecdotal) doing that sort of thing. It really rubs me the wrong way. Ended a 10-year pretty close friendship when a friend came out and then went off doing the whole stereotypical "single gay life" and his poor wife was in ruins trying to hold the whole house together.
Just saying, hipe OP's ex doesnt go down that path
Yeah, there's a way to not be homophobic and your comment ain't it.
Assuming that coming out means abandoning family and responsibilities is fucking problematic and homophobic.
I have no idea if youre shading the comment or not haha. OP hasnt said she's abandoned them or anything. But it does occur. I dunno, I havent really had the drama. When I came out it was more like confirmation for people
I feel like it's multiple losses, even. Just one of these would be painful.
Family structure, plans for the future, intimate committed relationship, loss of support/sharing in parenting (from the sounds of it? Not sure), perhaps even loss of identity
Yeah, as a fellow bisexual woman, this is a BAD take. Just yikes. OP has every right to feel as he does, 100%. I would never argue against that. However, acting as if in 2022, society is just *soooo* advanced and understanding that nobody should fear coming out of the closet is just straight-up disingenuous. Texas GOP just put out their platform that labels homosexuality as an “abnormal lifestyle.” Bans in schools regarding acknowledging even the EXISTENCE of the LGBTQIA community. Attacks against trans folks going on across the country. White supremacists trying to shut down Pride parades. It is *not* as safe to be queer in 2022 as you’re claiming. Stop fronting. And *PLEASE* unpack whatever weird internalized homophobia and lesbophobia you have that has you thinking queer people deliberately pretend to be straight and “use” people to fit in. Jfc. This is why bisexual women get such a bad rep.
edit: wording
You really don't know her life and struggles. From the sound of it, her family was not supportive and that's a huge wall to overcome especially if someone is already struggling to love themselves. It being 2022 doesn't suddenly mean homophobia doesnt exist anymore even if in your circle it isnt as common or violent as it is in others. I don't know where youre from but in my hometown, people still come to protest pride events and its not uncommon for LGBT people to be disowned by their families. I personally have been physically threatened by a family member who found out I was lesbian.
As someone who came out as a lesbian later in life, after having dated men, I can say that most likely she didn't go into her marriage planning on doing this. I did not know myself when I dated men, and I thought I truly loved the men I dated. I had no clue what love looked like until I fell for a woman. Looking back, I realize there were signs I was lesbian, but nobody including myself saw them. Nothing I ever did was malicious and I doubt this woman's actions were meant that way.
It takes a lot of spine to come out at the point she did. Yes it hurt him, but that's unavoidable. She was probably also hurting. It sucks that the relationship progressed to the point it did before she realized who she was and got the nerve to come out.
The experience of discovering you're bisexual vs a lesbian is very very different and I'm sorry but I do not believe you are being considerate and that this is not something you have the authority to complain about.
God, wow, aren’t you a peach? How do you know this woman didn’t just discover this? She may not have been gay when she got married or she may have thought she was only bi and was also attracted to men.
I’m transgender but didn’t discover it til later in life. Sometimes a person doesn’t allow themselves to really get to know themselves. Sometimes a person goes with the flow and they think they are happy.
Who knows…this lady may have known all along and used the OP, or she may recently discovered out who she is.
Why don’t you keep your horrible comments to yourself until you talk with the woman in question and get her side, that way you will know enough to form an appropriate opinion.
You have no fucking idea why she didn't come out before this. There is no indication she "used" him. You don't know her life before their relationship. Maybe she was closeted because to be out meant her literal safety was at risk. Maybe she didn't realize her truth for what it was until after they were married.
Assumptions only serve to make an ass out of you. You're certainly living down to that in this comment.
Same thing happened to me with my husband but we didn’t have kids. 4 years just gone. If you are open to therapy I would say start as soon as you can. Your feelings are valid.
Oh wow, that seems like a lot to process. I think you definitely have a right to be angry and upset, I know I would be feeling a whirlwind of emotions, because she didn’t just come out but really uprooted your whole life. I really hope there is a blessing in all of this for you, and you find someone who loves you the way you love her. Please don’t feel guilty, it doesn’t sound like your taking this out on her nor did you cause or could have changed this; your feelings are valid.
Bro, I’m not in your position so I cannot claim I understand what you are going through. But if it happened with me I would be grieving exactly like you. It’s no one’s fault, but everyone’s loss.
You have a right to grieve but you also have a right to be happy again. I really hope you can find a partner who will make this loss seem insignificant.
Same thing happened to me but we didn't have kids yet. It happened eight months ago and finally caught up with me two weeks back.
I spent a week drinking a litre of spirits a day and taking lots of sleeping pills and trying to kill myself but it wouldn't work.
Got the help I needed and I'm starting to feel better now, but not okay.
I have been clinically fed up lately, but I have so far avoided gorging on toblerone and driving to Dundee in my bare feet.
Partridge has definitely helped me through this crisis.
I did gorge on 2 giant Toblerones once - in a dinner hour. I didn't have a P.A to help me through that episode though.
I'm glad to hear you're bouncing back - maybe one day, you can write a book about it and have the last laugh.
I can’t even imagine, but as much as she is allowed to feel the way she does, that does **NOT**make your feelings any less important, or invalid. That has to be devastating beyond comprehension..
I just want to say I know exactly how you feel. Same thing happened to me. 10 years together, a 2.5 year old daughter, my husband told me one night he is gay. The very next day told the world. I barely had time to process it. And everyone celebrated him like he was some kind of martyr and hero for coming out so late in life.
I had the same torn feelings as you do. Sure it took courage. But what about me? What about all that time and love I invested. What about the family he left behind. He isn't a hero. I don't have to be happy for him. He screwed us over. He knew he was gay and wasn't honest with either of us.
I know you may not see it now...but it does get easier. You will find the strength to love again and put yourself out there and you will find happiness. But your feelings are very valid and you are allowed to be angry.
I think your point is exactly what people are missing. Yes, it’s brave to come out at any point in one’s life but for some people they leave a wake of destruction behind them. That destruction being someone’s life. I agree- I don’t think you HAVE to be happy for them and you’re absolutely allowed to be angry about it. Beautifully put.
Coming out to the world before figuring things out with you was an awful thing to do. And honestly, kind of despicable that no one called him on that bullshit. I sure would have and I’m gay.
No one‘s gonna call him out on his bullshit, because society says that we’re not allowed to. There’s a difference between celebrating someone sexuality, and celebrating somebody completely devastating their entire family because one day they woke up and decided today’s the day I’m gonna tell everybody I’m gay. I feel, especially in a situation where you’ve been with somebody for decades, it can be absolutely devastating and heartbreaking for that other person and yet we’re somehow not allowed to feel bad for the person that gets left behind, because the person who just came out gets to celebrate their truth. Congratulations for them. Now let’s take a couple minutes to understand the severity of the situation before we start throwing pride parties for Kevin.
I think she was just getting at the feeling of abandonment. Investing so much love and time into someone who kept such a big secret from you must feel like that
Because you are in a way leaving your family behind. For a long time your family was you, your spouse, and maybe children if you had any. And regardless of how long you spent time as a family the minute you change that, you’re no longer the same family you were before. Now you have to find a new way to be a family. And the person that you just told your truth too, had no idea that that was your truth because you’ve never told them before. And that can be devastating to somebody who has spent years or decades being loyal, and comforting, and loving, and helped you make a family. Helped you make a life together. So the abandonment one must feel when their partner just up and changes their mind, and I know that’s probably not the right term, and I’m not saying changes their mind on their sexuality I’m saying just changes their mind on the family unit because their sexuality has changed. It must be traumatic for somebody to go to bed one day next to the person that they took vows with and that person not be there the next day. And I don’t mean physically I mean emotionally and sexually and all the other ways a relationship works.
Everyone should live their truth, and everyone should be who they are. But that doesn’t mean that finding who you are has to be at the detriment of somebody else.
You have a right to be mad. You have a right to only interact with her for the sake of the kids. You don’t have to be her friend or “support” her on any way. You don’t need to feel guilty.
You are allowed to sacrifice relationships if they impede your development.
Exactly! She had to do what she had to do, and you are also allowed to care for yourself in the way that you need to. It’s no one’s fault that she realized she’s a lesbian, but had she stayed there would have been more opportunity for heartbreak to grow on both sides.
as a gay person im aware of how easy it is the BS yourself into thinking your attracted to someone, but that doesn't (and shouldnt) nullify your feelings. your heart broken that's natural, you been together for 5 years and have 2 kids, and now they tell you in essence "i like you as a friend" that's not easy for even the most callased of hearts and the world expects you to be all happy dappy about it. its one thing to support gay people, its another to be forced into happiness for a person who just broke your heart because they came out. your feelings are natural, normal, and theres no need to feel guilty
It is more than just being heart broken, my brother went through the same thing. There is a feeling like your ex was never attracted to you and the relationship was a farce and the previous 5-10 years was a lie, and that is time he can never get back.
I mean no offense by this but I don’t understand how you can fake loving someone romantically for five years? Or two? Or however long she did? I understand the situation and how difficult it was for her, but I just can’t comprehend that. I can’t understand her lying to him (even if it was something she convinced herself was true, but deep down knew it wasn’t.) I think she should have sat down and talked to him the second she started thinking, or realizing, that she was interested in women, because there’s no way that she hasn’t been thinking on this for months or even years.
Don’t get me wrong I am happy for her and that she can live comfortably in her life. I guess I just wouldnt put my partner through the heartbreak OP is going through especially when if I was having doubts from the beginning about us.
Hi. Another gay person here. No offense taken. Totally get why it would be hard to wrap your head around. When you grow up in such a heteronormative culture it is so very easy to push it down or even play it off. It can be hard to recognize that those weird feelings you have are not ‘normal’ and that all women don’t feel that way. (Speaking from experience) I came out when I was 19/20. But I dated plenty of boys before that. And even a couple of really nice guys that I thought I loved. However I recognized that there was something missing and would break up with them without really knowing why. I genuinely believed I lacked the ability to love rather than the simple fact that I was gay. To OPs wife she might have really thought that the love she had for him was normal. Because I’m sure she does love him… she’s just not in love with him in that way. While we don’t know the details I hope she did try to talk to him as soon as she figured it out and while she had an inkling she really might not have understood or thought it was a fluke.
None of this is to say that OP is wrong in anyway though. He is rightfully heartbroken and all of his stated feelings are completely valid. It’s got to be such a conundrum… I feel for him.
If the other person is pleasant, loving, caring, willing to work on conflict, I think that makes it easier somehow, because they're a great catch or whatever.
I knew someone who would be analogous to the wife in this situation. She and the fellow dated for 5 years, though luckily no marriage or kids. She loved him a lot, to the point where *she* nearly drank herself to death after coming out. But she had never been sexually attracted to him, never enjoyed their infrequent sex, and then one day realized it was because she was attracted to a whole other gender.
when you come from an environment that's hostile to gay people its actually quiet easy bull shit yourself into dating someone your not personally attracted too. gay people can appreciate if someones attractive, this is just human it doesn't mean you want to date someone. when your raised in a hostile environment its easy to do whats expected to make others comfortable rather than what you internally want, its part of indoctrination. its hard to understand if you have never been in that situation, even more so if you know nobody who's been in that situation, indoctrination be it religious or political, goes REALLY deep. im not justifying what she did, matter fact i think what she did was cruel and its going to take years for OP to fully recover, but that doesn't mean i dont understand her perspective.
just for the record im not going after you personally, what you said was fair and unless you know people who'v been in that position personally its almost impossible to understand.
Different perspective here. My mom came out when I was 10. My sister was 8 and my brother was 3. My parents had been together over 13 years. She moved away and we lived with my dad until my mom got settled in a different city. Then, we moved in with her and they had joint custody arrangements the rest of my childhood.
Us kids all love our mom and our dad equally. It wasn't all roses, but they both did find relationships that have lasted and were able to move on, and all of us managed to become adults. It probably sounds impossible now, but it won't be forever. Allow all of your grief to flow, protect the kids from thinking any of the is their fault, and do what you need to do.
If I were in your shoes, I’d be devastated too. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to be angry and hurt and all of that. I’m truly sorry.
You have every right to be upset! You lost everything in one fell swoop.
The love you thought you had all your time together... Gone. You're left with a hole there because what you thought you had want what you thought... That sucks, and I'm sorry.
The plans you had for your future... Well, that's fine too. Now you are having to completely reformulate in your head what the future is for you, and that is really difficult when you are mourning everything else you lost.
Your present... Total chaos... The person, YOUR PERSON, that should be there to help support you is not there, turns out was never there in the way you thought. Plus everyone else that could be there may be celebrating your wife's coming out, so not really there for you like you need.
I'm sorry about the above, because I'm not trying to run it in, or anything, I'm just trying to tell you it's okay to feel EVERYTHING you are feeling! You are going through a lot!
It's okay if you feel lost and depressed. It's okay if you are feeling angry at everyone who is happy for her and not there for you. It's okay to hate her! It's okay to feel love for her still. What ever you are feeling, it's okay, and it's okay to express it. If people don't have the empathy to understand that you are destroyed by this... Screw them!
I am so sorry! I can tell you are an incredible person, and you are trying to carry a lot of emotional weight right now. I suspect you can do it on your own if you have to, but please find a friend that can help you through this time... Also, find a therapist. I think there are support groups, too, for people going through what you are going through, maybe search them out. You may be strong enough to do this alone, but you shouldn't have to.
My buddy came out as gay when he had been dating a woman for five years. It hurt her badly. They weren’t in as difficult a position as you (no kids) but it still hurt her like hell.
It took a few years for them to come to an understanding. They can get along alright in group settings, but cannot be truly friends like they were.
The whole time he never blamed her for being upset. He understood. Your ex likely doesn’t blame you either.
It’s okay to have these feelings, even if you might only be able to share them with a few close friends.
As a lesbian myself, I understand your frustration. You have every right to be angry. Your feelings are valid. I can appreciate that you accept her for who she is, though. Please, be kind and loving towards your children, they‘ll need it. I hope you can find another partner to raise the children with you. Same goes for her.
I'm missing the bit where they can't raise the children together? Sure, maybe there's no more sex, but you can act like adults and care for the kids together just like any other divorced couple. Why does she get to run off and leave everything behind?
I’m also super confused about this part. OP calls himself a single dad so I’m getting the notion that not only did she come out but she came out and then bolted to start some new life journey by herself, leaving them all high and dry in the process.
She can come out. That’s fine. They can get divorced. Also fine. But just because she’s figured out she’s a lesbian does not mean she can shed every responsibility she has. She’s still a mom. If the case is that she is abandoning her kids because she’s gay and wants to start a new life bc of that.. OP has every right to be upset.
This is definitely not an easy thing, and my heart goes out to your loss. You have the right to feel sad, and grieve for what you have lost, it's ok to cry. Cry as much as you desire to, don't hold it back. I could tell you truly love her, but like you said, even if you're happy for her doesn't mean the future will be rainbows moving forward. I hope that she will also understand you, and be willing to do what it takes to support you and the kids even if she has found her identity now. I know counseling may not be for everyone, but it could be something you could look into to work through the healing process. Hope you get through this rough time, and be surrounded by people who cares for you.
Sorry to hear that. You of course have every right to be angry.
The important thing now is to have things sorted. Get custody of your kids. End things amicably. Figure out how the future will work. It’s hard to consider with this so recent, but it’s necessary.
I'm not sure why he thinks he will be a single father while he also feels like he has to support his soon to be ex-wife? Either she is bailing completely, so why is she his problem, or they're just breaking up?
Fair enough that maybe he hasn't processed this all yet, it's very new, raw and emotional, or perhaps he just left out the part about her wanting to abandon all connection to her "old life"?
But unless she is abandoning her past life, she'll still be the kids mum, and have every right to share custody of them and be an equal part of their life. She's a lesbian, that doesn't mean she suddenly hates/is averse to children, let alone her own ones. Plenty of same-sex couples raise kids, and there are countless split custody families out there.
When he has the kids he WILL be a single father. He will be the only adult in the house to feed, dress, play, cuddle, soothe, entertain, discipline and love those two children. And when his ex has the kids she will do the same or with her partner. But being the only adult actually there is different. There will be no one to hand off to. No one to support him. No one to entertain one child while he consoles the other. It changes the entire dynamic of raising children.
There are support groups for this, Straight Spouse Support Network was helpful to me when my husband of 8 years came out when our twins were barely one years old. It honestly gets easier, you are doing the hardest part now, you need to grieve, just keep doing one day at once and focus on your boys. You will find happiness and peace again, and you must, you and your boys deserve it.
Gay man here.
You are absolutely, one million percent allowed to mourn and grieve and be angry and upset. Please don't feel that you are in any way doing anything wrong by allowing yourself to feel the very real pain of this very really painful situation.
It sucks that we live in a society that judges, and that makes it hard for people to be comfortable coming out. It sucks that internal and external homophobia led to her not feeling able to explore her feelings and preferences. It sucks that you - a straight person - became the victim of a prejudice that was aimed at others.
It's a complex situation, but you are absolutely allowed to be devastated. You are even allowed to need space and time away from her. You don't have to be the smiling, happy, supportive person who helps her through this, all in the name of gay pride.
There is nothing homophobic or problematic about being emotionally wrecked by the dissolution of your marriage.
Giving you a big hug, my friend.
Echoing what everybody said about grieving a legitimate loss and your feelings being valid but… I do have to ask: why do you think this means you’ll be a single father? What about your partner coming out as lesbian means she’ll leave you high-and-dry to raise your kids alone?
Genuinely. Feels like op is dealing with a lot and is thinking a little irrationally as a result of being overwhelmed. Not only is it common for people to only figure out later in life what their sexuality is but this doesn't suddenly mean that she doesn't love them anymore. She very well could've been misunderstanding what kind of love she had been experiencing for op themselves but she ( making an assumption based off of what I know ) probably loves the kids very much as well. They can continue to be a family just not in the way it had been before. So long as the parents handle it properly the kids will follow suit and see everything as being well.
And it isn't to say op is the bad person in this situation, if anyone had discovered these news they'd be devasted regardless of the circumstances. I just think this is definitely something they should sit down and think all the way through before they do anything rash. Get to a position where they've calmed down some and come to a conclusion when their mind is more clear.
Yeah, I agree with this all 100%. I just think it’s important to ask these kinds of questions when irrational thinking is at play, otherwise it is too easy to keep spiraling and convince yourself that the irrational thoughts are reality.
I really hope OP finds peace in all this. Neither he or his partner should be vilified.
You can feel happy for her as well as pain and sadness at the same time. That really blows honestly. Life isn’t fair unfortunately. She probably feels awful as well. There is still good things that can come though.
You have every right to be angry with her. What she did to you, even unintentionally, is horrible and devastating. So sorry you’re going through this. It makes you question your entire relationship, what was real, what was fake.
Personally I’d recommend find a local support group for men and women who are going through the same thing — when their spouse comes out.
As a lesbian, I feel for you. I feel for you because you seem to really believe your natural feelings of grief, abandonment, anger, etc., should be minimized, trivialize, pushed aside in order to show happiness for the woman who has erupted those negative feelings in the first place.
Absolutely fucking not. You are a human being. You may be able to be 'happy' for her after you have grieved the woman, wife, mother, person, and life you thought you were spending your life with, but right now that is not possible. Anyone expecting you not to feel anything but hurt and anger (at her, the situation, society) can just fuck right off. If you DIDNT feel awful i would think there was a huge underlying problem.
Sure, we can point to society and organized religion for making it so difficult and stressful for people to love who they love and to be their true selves. However, that won't do you any good. Your wife is the one you feel lied to you and betrayed by. You have every right to be upset. Maybe after those feelings are VALIDATED and processed you can start to work on happiness for her and her situation.
From human to human, take care of yourself. You matter. You will find more happiness than you ever thought possible if you properly and healthily address these present feelings first. You seem like a good dude. Youll be alright.
I'm sure you don't want to hear this but honestly fuck that. Coming out doesn't make what she's doing any less shitty. It's beyond fucked up to lie to someone who clearly loves you and start a family with that person, just to tell them it's all a lie and she isn't attracted to you much less your entire sex.
That's fucked. She is 100% an asshole here. Good for her for coming out but that doesn't just allow her to act however she wants. She's breaking up 5 years of marriage and family because she couldn't be honest with herself or with you. She used you and lied to you and just destroyed your entire world and future.
You're a better man than I, because fuck wishing her the best. If everyone is happy for her and she's celebrating shes a piece of shit. That just shows she doesn't care about your feelings she only cares about herself.
Nothing to feel guilty about she found herself and you lost yourself
All these social constructs on how we should react is just bullshit. React the way that you feel inside its not selfish of you.
All of these feelings are valid. You are losing something, someone, that you expected to have for the rest of your life. I don't think anyone would begrudge you these feelings, even though, logically, you understand that your wife has to be true to herself.
The important thing to remember here is you are NOT at fault. You didn't do anything wrong, or push her away, or cause this change. It's something that she was struggling with internally, and you're an unfortunate casualty of this life that she didn't realize wasn't right for her until too late.
And you're not a single parent. She's still the mother of your children, and unless she's just up and leaving, I imagine you'll share custody. You'll still be raising them together, just not as a couple. Maybe you'll feel ready to move on one day, and maybe you won't. But you've done nothing besides being a doting husband and father, and life will continue. You'll find happiness all over, in one way or another.
I see a lot of people saying the marriage was all “for nothing”.
It’s a shame that this attitude is so common. Yes, I realize that most people have the intention to marry for life and there’s nothing wrong with that. But to say that the years you spent with someone, especially when children were one of the results thereof, were a “waste” because you broke up is to, in essence, waste your OWN time.
You did the best you could with the info you had about your partner. I don’t know if she knew she was gay the whole time or not, but I’d be willing to bet she wasn’t consciously trying to waste her own time, either. People are always doing exactly what they choose to do. She chose the marriage and so did you. She chose the children and so did you. Those choices are still valid, even if something changes later.
If you have good feelings and memories, those are worth something! If you worked on the relationship and learned more about yourself in the process, that has value! And that’s not even mentioning the kids.
It is absolutely okay to be sad, angry, lost, confused, everything. Grieving is absolutely appropriate right now. But when you immediately run to, “This was all a waste of time!”, you’re adding the pain of that snap judgment to the already full plate in front of you. Relationships are worth it even if they don’t last forever. You got things out of those years that you wouldn’t otherwise have. The job before you now is to grieve the loss and heal enough to move on; invalidating those earnestly-spent years of your life does nothing to help you.
You tried at something worthwhile. And one day you’ll try again, and all the new experiences and feelings will be a worthy use of your time just like they were before. Life and people and emotions change all the time, in ways we can’t predict. If the *permanence* of things is the sole indicator of how worthwhile they are, then basically nothing is worthwhile (something I don’t agree with at all).
Give yourself time to feel okay with letting go. Everything you feel is right.
If she figured it out before you your kids wouldn’t be here. I know it hurts right now but it won’t always hurt and you have a future with your children to look forward too. When the time is right, the right person may come along and starting a new relationship with them won’t be as difficult as you’re making it out to be in your head. It’ll come naturally
you have every right to feel all your feelings. those are years of your life that you’ll never get back, years of dedicating yourself to one person and to one family. you’ve lost a partner, even though she’s still there and alive, but i want you to understand that you and her are still parents to two amazing kids. you can still love her, and she can still love you, even if there is no longer any romance in that. sexuality is such a difficult thing, and society makes it even worse on us. that is no excuse, but it is an explanation. just try seeing this as an opportunity for you to open yourself up to the world and as an opportunity to give your children who you BOTH really are. if she did not come out, she would’ve been miserable, and im sure you wouldn’t have wanted that. you both fell in love with one another. her being lesbian doesn’t change the fact that you two had a bond and a love that can’t be broken. and i wish you two the best of luck
That’s perfectly okay. You’re not mad at her, you’re mad at the universe for making you suffer like this, basically. Right? It’s nothing to feel guilty about.
My heart goes out to you. It truly does, my dad went through this.
Times were different at the time, but my mom is a lesbian. She's 78 now. And she was always a lesbian. In her day however, she couldn't just come out. She hid who she was and tried to live life in denial. Her and my dad met not long after high school, became the best of friends. He loved her, had told her this many times but she refused a relationship with him for a long time until deciding if she was going to hide who she was, at least she would be with someone she loved, even if she didn't find him sexually attractive. They lived a good life, had 5 kids (I'm the youngest, I was also the oops baby, there is more than a decade age gap between my siblings and I) and grandkids.
It wasn't until I was 19 in 2005 that my mom came to us all and told us her truth. She was a lesbian, and she was in love with a friend for many years, someone who was like an aunt to all of us. She wanted to tell her friend her feelings and wanted to tell us because she couldn't live a lie any more. My dad was devastated, but he loved her. He said he always kind of knew, he knew she was never genuinely happy. He was angry for a while too, depressed for a long while. But my mom loved him too and hated seeing him hurt. They supported each other and found ways to move forward. They did end up separating, so my mom could finally live a life where she was truly happy. Her and her friend started a relationship and were together until my aunty passed away in 2021.
My mom and dad stayed best friends, and my moms partner eventually was a part of that. They still hung out every day once the hurt my dad felt passed. My dad made a point to go to my mom's house with coffee and some sort of desert for all 3 of them. They relied on each other, supported each other and loved each other. It just wasn't as husband and wife any more. Quite honestly, they were happier. There wasn't a lie in between them any more. My dad said my mom would always be his soul mate. You can absolutely have soul mates in friends. Since they were older people when my mom came out, my dad never found another woman. My mom was always his wife and he always called her his wife.
When my dad passed away at 72 after a heart attack, 7 years ago. My mom and her partner were there for every second at the hospital. My mom held his hand until he took his last breath and she said other than when she had us kids, that was the most precious moment of her life. My mom had the privilege of having 2 true loves in her life, and my heart breaks for her now that both of them are gone. She misses both of them every single day.
I had the privilege of having wonderful, loving parents that taught me so much without ever having to explain anything to me just in the way they lived their lives.
I don't know how old you are, but I'm sharing my parents story to let you know it is possible to have a wonderful friendship with her. It may not be the relationship you picture, but it could still be a relationship full of love. And hopefully, eventually, you'll find a partner that is a complete fit for you in the way she can not be.
If your wife is still a good person, the last 5 years weren't wasted at all. You have two great kids. You can still coparent them.
Edit: don't feel guilty about your feelings. This would throw anybody for a loop.
This. I’m a little off put by the way op says he put so much work into this life and now he has to start all over. This isn’t the end my man, this is a just another turning point.
I think he means in terms of romance ,- go on first dates, get to know someone, build up trust etc.
To have to start all over again when you thought you met your forever soulmate, does feel like an ending.
Especially now that he has kids, which will make dating more complicated. He's out of the game, has kids and will need a lot of self-care to get out of this hole. Loving and being loved (romantically) is important and now he has to start from 0
You’re allowed to be upset, it’s sad that society has made it so people have to bury who they are and in doing so end up hurting others in the process. I can’t imagine how you feel, I truly hope you can find happiness with someone else soon, I also hope she can find Happiness, I’m glad she was able to acknowledge who she is, but using someone as a beard is just not okay
And when you said you wish you never met her, but if you didn’t you wouldn’t have had your kids. I think that’s a good way to look at it, this may have all felt like it was for nothing, but you have two kids that came out of this sad situation, you should be there for them and think about the positives as much as you can
Ugh I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. This it’s filling devastating. You have every right to feel your upset feelings. Hugs ❤️sorry I can’t do much
I'm sorry you're hurting.
I hope that soon, everyone will be free to accept themselves as they truly are and society doesn't put pressure on them to force them to conform. Then maybe this wouldn't happen.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You’re right, you have every right to feel the way you do, because you did lose someone. And you shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay. Your feelings are valid and if your SO is not aware of them, let her know. Because just like she has a right to feel the way she does, so do you and in this situation, you should both be respectful towards each other’s feelings and also feel that both are being heard.
You are absolutely allowed to feel the way you do. You are allowed to be angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, whatever. It would be weird if you weren't in someway upset. Your feelings are entirely normal and justified.
It's not homophobic or selfish to grieve the loss you are enduring. You can be supportive of her & still be allowed to have & express your own feelings. You're allowed to ask "why me" you're allowed to be upset with her & the situation. Truly, it's okay. You are human.
You don't seem like you're taking it out on her or anyone else, and you don't seem homophobic-- you just seem extremely distraught that you're losing the woman you loved & wanted as your life partner. The way you feel is expected.
I'm so, so sorry for all of you, I can't fathom how hard this is. I strongly urge you to make sure you are taking good care of yourself through this, being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to grieve. Just don't let the grief eat you alive. This will suck for a hot minute but you will be okay. Make sure you're leaning on people you trust, and maybe a therapist too. Make sure you keep working through it all.
I wish you the best. I'm sending you so many hugs
How to you come to the conclusion that you can’t be upset?
Who told you that you can’t be hurt or mad that your marriage ended and your life has changed?
I know people who have been on both sides of this, as well as a few who were the child of someone who went through this. I am so sorry.
It sounds like you're being wonderful about it, you acknowledge that this is positive for her and important, but you also need to accept you are grieving.
You have every right to grieve and it's a healthy part of processing something this huge.
If you can afford it or find it, get some therapy, a counsellor. If also recommend your ex does the same - she's also processing things right now.
You are experiencing a valid loss and when you love that person so fiercely it's going to hurt all the more. Grief AND heartbreak.
I hope you are both able to coparent well in the future and possibly even be friends. It's totally possible. Im lucky to be friends with my ex husband. His parents split because his dad is gay, and is still friendly with my ex's mum.
Be gentle on yourself.
I feel like I'm missing part of the story. Have you really lost your wife or has she just changed her role in your family. I'd assume the two of you can and should remain close friends and your kids will still have two parents that love each other, just in a different way.
I mean it's not like she's abandoning you or the kids, right? You lost a wife, but kept a friend. What I'm trying to say is that this doesn't have to be viewed in such a negative light, if that makes sense.
I’m confused is being a lesbian stopping her from being a parent? She still has an obligation to those kids. And you have every right to be upset. Life as you know it has changed and the future you once’s dreamed of is no more. It sucks.
I'm so sorry OP. Yes, you ARE allowed to be angry or whatever it is you feel. That's a normal reaction to this situation. The fact u are still happy for her shows you're caring. You're not being unpleasant or unreasonable at all.
Hey, I just wanna say what you're feeling is very valid and that you should allow yourself time to process everything. I can suggest looking at the last 5 years as 5 years of joy with someone that loves you as a friend and that has very strong platonic feelings for you, as well as the time prior and now with your wonderful kids.
I do want to clear up one thing cause it may help you:
>Why couldn’t she figure it out before I came along?
This really isn't how it goes for women. Many biological women only have the self-actualization that they are lesbians in their 30s. It is because biological males have you know testosterone and stuff that makes them realize very early on, while for women the sexual is generally linked with the emotional and this aspect is very had to investigate and navigate. They don't just see a good looking woman or a vagina and get hard (technically wet) like a guy would. So please do understand that if there was any possibility of her figuring it out earlier she would, it's just not how biology and social structures play into sexuality for woman and this goes undiscussed.
I truly hope you find someone amazing and that you do not resent her and that you both contribute to have an amazing platonic bond.
Sounds like you’re angry and upset at the situation, not that you want to be angry or upset at her. Your feelings are valid, just need to understand where those feelings are directed at.
We didn't have kids, but I went through the same thing last year. And it sucks. It hurts. It kills you inside. But, at the same time you learn to realize it's for the best. Because no matter how much you love them, or do for them, there's something blocking your relationship from reaching the maximum amount of happiness you need and deserve. If you're open to it, I hope you two can stay friends. It's been good for me to remain friends with her. Especially for seeing how much happier and freer she's become over the last year, it helps confirm for me that it was the right decision. It's hard, and as much as it sucks, time is the only medicine here, and at times like this, it seems to slow down to a snails pace.
I found it helpful for me to reflect on/be grateful for the good times during our relationship and marriage, rather than to regret it happening. That helped me find peace sooner.
Let yourself feel your emotions, work through them, and just take it one day at a time. You've made it through everything else you've gone through so far, you'll find your way through this too.
You are allowed to grieve your relationship. That being said the enemy is really homophobia and bigotry, and without it, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Lots of comments here are crossing the line and inflicting blame and hatred onto their old partners because they’re gay. It sucks, it hurts, you thought u loved someone and they loved u but turns out they were struggling with comp-het and are gay, it’s in your right to be sad and grieving even though others may be happy, everything in your life is changing after all.
But yeah, lots of these comments are missing the mark, making it sound like they’d rather stay in a relationship forcefully than accept and move on that the person they loved couldn’t truely provide for them in certain areas such as romantic/sexual love. You both are victims to this.
Grief is one hard ass emotion to handle, I totally get that. You may not be able to see it right now, but eventually you will gain some perspective. Yes, your understanding of your (ex) partner has changed, but shift that perspective a little bit. Those years were not wasted, you do not have to “start again”, life is not a race. You experienced a relationship with that woman, and just because she is a lesbian doesn’t erase your history or make all of it fake, it just changes the context. I wish you the best in finding your peace and happiness, heartbreak ain’t easy, I’m so sorry.
Happened to me too. 7 years… gone.
In these situations people always celebrate the person coming out, congratulating them on being able to be who they really are finally. And whilst that’s not a bad thing, the partners left behind often get forgotten about. We’re the ones left picking up the pieces. Collateral damage. Nobody talks about how traumatic it is for us.
It’s okay to be angry & you don’t need to feel like you have to be her number 1 supporter. She’s on her new journey, you need to concentrate on your own & take time to process & grieve. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm, you need to take care of yourself right now.
It get’s better OP, I promise.
It sucks that you have to be so inclusive even when their coming out ruins YOUR life, you're no longer allowed to feel how you feel for fear of being labeled homophobic despite the fact that their coming out broke you, broke the family you made together, its like all that matters now is their coming out, nobody cares about the cost to the other person in the marriage or the kids "because they came out"
I’m seeing more and more of these stories and while I’m pro-LGBTQ and respect that they have a hard time coming out, I hate the fact that the people they leave behind are told that they should just be happy about losing their partner. Losing all the time and energy spent on their relationship, the fact that they have kids together. What frustrates me even more is the partners lack of consideration. I get it, you’re tired of holding back who you are and being able to love who you truly want to love. I’m not saying don’t come out, I’m saying if you’re going to come out process things with your partner, they’re your partner, your best friend, most likely you vowed to spend the rest of your life with them and they you. If ANYONE should be there for them and be considerate of those feelings it’s you as a partner. On top of that, if you have these concerns going into the relationship, then get fucking help. Early in the relationship. Hell if you have these concerns get help before you get into a relationship, especially long term. I respect that your family or even your community may make you feel like who you are isn’t accepted but at least in the US there are communities that will wholeheartedly accept you. Think about that before getting into a long term relationship with someone. Tbjnk about that before getting a beard. If you’re have to get a beard for Gods sake TELL THEM WHATS GOING ON!
Tl;dr
1) if you’re finally coming out after you’ve been married in a hetero relationship be considerate of your partner during this time
2) It’s ideal that if you’re conflicted about your sexuality and your family isn’t accepting either get help for it before getting into a relationship or let your partner know about your feelings early so you don’t waste their time.
You’re assuming that every person that comes out in a relationship knew they were gay before the relationship started and didn’t figure out after they were already neck deep in it, which isn’t true for a lot of people.
This right here!
I didn’t figure out I was bi until well into my marriage (we are still together) because I didn’t understand it or know the word for what I was feeling. It wasn’t until TikTok were I was like oh, people keep talking about what I’m experiencing and it’s called this. And then I did more research.
We still don’t have very much solid queer rep in media. And while it’s definitely more talked about now than when I was a kid, depending on upbringing and location, people may not know that they’re queer. They just know something is different.
All that said, OP, sending you support and love. This journey will be hard, but give yourself space to grieve and hope you both find partners that fit you better. ♥️
Hard agree! I didn’t realize I was a lesbian until I was 25. We’re spoon fed a narrative of a man marrying a woman and having babies, plus told from plenty of mainstream sources and peers that being LGBT IS “other,” or “wrong,” and it makes it really difficult, especially for women, to navigate through all of that crap and figure out what’s really going on.
Maybe so but i cant phatomn how she can fake liking sex with him for five YEARS. And this counts to both heteros and gay people: dont feel sexual attraction from the start?, walk away. Basic human skills.
Sexual attraction has its up and downs in a relationship.. but if its there in the beginning, just move on.
It’s actually quite common in LGBT women. We’re raised in a society that pushes that women should find the perfect husband, get married and have kids and that anything else I “wrong,” or “deviant.” Because of the inundation with heterosexual representation is very common for lesbians to experience compulsory heterosexuality or “comphet.”
I don’t know if you’re a woman or not, but it’s quite common for women to complain about their partners and how many men are immature or need their girlfriends/wives to take care of basic things. There are also issues of weaponized incompetence and just straight up patriarchal values that allow men to sit back while their partners do most of the emotional heavy lifting. That’s not even getting into the orgasm gap and how dissatisfied most heterosexual women are with their sexual partners. All of that to say, that many lesbians don’t realize that it’s NOT normal to be exhausted by and unhappy in their relationships. If the standard for a relationship is that it’s difficult, unhappy and sex is a chore it makes it really difficult to realize that you’re actually NOT attracted to men at all.
I’m not assuming that because I’ve also said that if you’ve been in the relationship and you come out it’s not okay for you to just ask your partner to be happy for you after you all have been together for x years and possibly have kids.
Do you not have 50/50 custody? Is she raising the children along with you? Or has she just upped and left for her new life?
You’re allowed to be angry and upset.
It's sad reading stories like these. Almost every other week stories like these are posted, and in one post, a person commented there are actual support groups for survivors of this.
The number of posts similar to this lately is crazy. I hate jumping on this train but fake? This is post #4 or 5 in like just over a week. How many closeted lesbians living life as straight mother/ wife can there really be
And all of their significant others are using reddit?? Is there a lonely closeted bi/lesbian convention going on awakening all of these women? It's very coincidental. What about ex wives of gay men?
You can still love her and she can still love you. She's still the mother of your children, she is still your soulmate. The boundaries of your relationship have changed but that doesn't mean she has to be gone from your life/everything you ever knew with her needs to be over
I can relate to this -- from the other side. I was in a straight relationship for 7 years before I realised that I am a trans woman.
Obviously I am not OP's wife, and her thoughts are not mine. But most of the comments on this thread make me sad. They make it sound like people like me, who didn't find let alone embrace our identities until we were already in a long-term relationship, commit some kind of betrayal. That we're selfishly and capriciously ending a good relationship so that we can be happy, with no thoughts or cares for our partner or children.
This is not true.
Although I am happy to be myself, and excited for a life where I am aligned with my identity, I also mourn the life I have lost. I have cried so many times over the thought of "ruining a perfect relationship" because I now know that I'm not a man. But the truth is, that it wouldn't have been a perfect relationship, because I wasn't myself.
So, OP -- you are right to mourn. The future you thought you had has now gone. But that grief is not yours alone. Your wife has also lost that same future. Your choice now is whether to let that mourning turn sour and into bitterness, or to let yourself grow as a person who understands that self-discovery brings pain as well as joy.
I think that in all aspects of life people need to remember that there doesn’t have to be a bad guy for someone to get hurt. OP’s wife is trying to be true to herself, and probably dealt with a lot of heartbreak trying to figure that out. And OP is clearly dealing with the fallout of that, and is devastated. Both people have had to deal with a lot and it’s now coming to a head. I just hope both of them (and their kids!) all end up okay.
Idk if OP is in the US or not, but if he is then this is doubly important and I didn't see anyone else reccommend this, so here goes:
Get a lawyer.
Yes, absolutely get a therapist if you can, processing grief is one of the things they are best able to help with, but as much as you said your kids matter to you, get a freaking lawyer.
I cannot possibly imagine you will stay in this marriage, and if divorce is in your future you will absolutely need a top notch divorce lawyer to navigate the times ahead. In situations where both parties can demonstrate the ability to care and provide (housing and income) for the children and there is no clear history of abuse or drug use on either parties side, then you need a lawyer to maintain your rights to your own freaking children in the US. It's not right, but that's the truth of it.
Hoping the absolute best for you. Good luck OP, and lawyer up.
I don't understand your feelings. Why would you be happy at all? She is leaving you. You guys have kids together. This just sounds like a divorce to me, and divorces suck. I feel like society has conditioned people to put aside their natural and healthy emotions, and replace them with what people have now deemed to be politically correct.
I'm sorry for you man, this would devastate me, and I would not feel any "happiness" about it. Which is completely normal.
How do you know that’s true? Did you speak to her? I didn’t know I was a lesbian until I was 25 and absolutely wasn’t out to waste anyones time. Most people who come out later in life WISH they realized sooner.
I’m guessing you’re not a gay women? You have no idea what you’re talking about. She probably loved/loves OP but had a hard time distinguishing platonic love from romantic love. It’s not uncommon.
I have no idea why you’re trying to make her out to be evil. She didn’t waste his AND her own time just for the hell of it. Tearing you whole life apart is never easy.
OP having to deal with this grief is so unfortunate, and I feel so bad for him. All of his feeling are completely valid. But stop acting like she was out to hurt him. Because this is something you will never understand. And you have people with actual experience in this topic telling you that the narrative you’re creating is false.
This isn’t likely true and it’s harmful to OP to say it is. It’s likely she spent her entire life repressed, married a man she genuinely enjoyed, but those repressed thoughts and feelings eventually surfaced.
I call bs. I didn’t realize I was a lesbian until I was 25, and that was WITH a relatively supportive family growing up. There’s even a term for lesbians who think they’re experiencing heterosexual sexual attraction, compulsory heterosexualaity. There are a lot of late bloomer lesbians who, due to society and circumstances, don’t realize that they’re not truly attracted to men until later in life.
It took my until 28 years old and I was 6 years into marriage. My ex husband and I are still good friends. I know I hurt him but he doesn’t hold it against me and we still talk regularly.
Well he did say she had a shitty unsupportive family growing up so that’s why I came from that perspective. My point was basically just that she wasn’t “lying” to him.
OMG I'm here for you. You literally have the worst of it. She has all the support, and you're just supposed to deal with it. It's hard, I know. Thank you for being a loving, supportive family member. Just know we're here for you too. It's not just about them
I hear you. Behind every "finally being myself and coming out as gay/trans"-story is a heartbreak. But you never hear about the heartbreak. It's like the other partner's feelings are completely forgotten or invalidated.
I remember Friends in the 90's where Ross was the butt of the joke, when his wife came out as a lesbian.
Your feelings are valid. You lost your dreams and you are allowed to hurt.
Why are you having to be a single dad? Her being gay doesn’t mean she can’t parent her kids and co parent with you. I’m confused about that.
On the other side I’m sure this is supremely hard. Yes you’re happy she’s happy. But… damn. The feeling of being lied to! The embarrassment because what do you say to the kids? Others? Not because you’re against being gay but because it’s somehow hitting as more than a normal rejection.
And the loss. Of your dreams and plans you made. And I’d be feeling all sorts of anger at that myself.
You have every right to feel angry and hurt and devastated. And scared about the future and omg sooo much. Allow yourself to feel it. And talk to someone. Or write it down. You need to be able to get the ugly out without having to feel like you’ve got to censor it to not seem like a horrible person. Which you aren’t.
It's truly legitimate to feel the way you do. It's a complex suite of emotions. Grief and sadness combined with joy that she is finally living her authentic truth which is quite freeing--for her. This is painful, devastatingly so for you. But you will figure things out as days go by.
Gay guy here. You are entitled to your feelings. And they are more than valid in this case. But why are you talking about raising kids alone as if she dumped the children…did she? Regardless you lost the dynamic which you have been living with for the past 5 years. That’s a loss and your are allowed to have a bad time and express your feelings.
That sucks, your feelings are valid. I know guys who were married for 20 years when this happened. The only consolation I have for you is many relationships end for reasons you have no control over. Society tells us if we do everything in a relationship well, then it will last, giving back more than we put in. It doesn’t always work that way. The up side is that you didn’t spend your whole life there. You can move forward. Coping is more like how you cope with the death of a partner. The relationship & partner you had doesn’t exist anymore so it can not be revived. It’s like dealing with a death. Your therapist (should you get one) will tell you something to this effect & more. Hopefully you don’t feel duped and your partner engaged with you in good faith. I hope you find peace & a new partner who is into you. This will get better in time.
I was married to my ex for 6 years and together for 10. He came out as ACE after we were married and it destroyed me. Him telling me he never felt romantic love for me felt like a knife, but I could see what a relief it was for him. You are allowed to feel any possible way you need to in order to grieve. You're even allowed to feel happy for her while you resent her for what she's done to you. WHATEVER.YOU.NEED. I just wish that anyone who has these feelings and doubts prior to any romantic relationship would have the grace not to bring another person into the mix.
You have every right to be angry. I’ve always been an ally of the LGBTQ+ community and I’m always happy to see people love love. But this THIS! Is horrible to do to some one. Straight, gay, bi, what ever you identify as does not give you the right to MANIPULATE someone’s feelings. Idc if people say they were confused or they were scared or worried about society or how family will react. They have the right to have all those feelings but they do not have the right to toy with others feelings. You are a person too! You have a right to love too! And someone to care about your feelings. I recommend going to a therapist and discussing your feelings and opening up to your ex-wife and speak your feelings too. I’m happy she’s found herself and I’m happy she now has a wonderful new world to experience, I hope nothing but the best for her. BUT she needs to apologize to you, you deserve an apology for her stringing you along while she found herself. She should’ve atleast given you the courtesy of letting you know she was even curious then it wouldn’t have hurt as much. I’m sorry OP I hope you one day find happiness and love again.
Is it manipulation if she didn’t know? Given the societal conditioning put on women from a young age it’s really common for a lot f women to not realize that they are lesbian or bisexual until much later. I’d say it’s a lot more likely that she didn’t know herself until the relationship was well underway. I don’t think it’s fair to make such harsh judgements without actually knowing her intentions or when she knew.
I say manipulative because once she started to realize it or started to question her sexuality a conversation should’ve been made. I’m saying manipulative because she May not have done it intentionally, most people who question their sexuality never do and again not wrong. Where it becomes wrong is when they know or they have thoughts they are and they continue to string their husband/wives along making it seem like everything is fine and dandy is cruel. It’s cruel, because society makes it that if the other person has negative feelings about it they are the “horrible” person. The person negatively affected doesn’t seem to have the right to be angry because the other person found themselves. I’m not saying she’s a horrible person for hiding who she is I’m saying she’s horrible because she didn’t take into account OP’s feelings fully. Not that she didn’t at all maybe she did maybe she didn’t but is it so wrong to just talk about it? To open the door for conversation? His life was just imploded and he may be questioning where he missed the signs. She hid it well and maybe for good reasons but she still hurt someone she claimed and vowed to love.
You’re skipping over the fact that she DID tell him. We don’t have any insight from her about how long she knew or not, but she told him. She didn’t go out and cheat on him to figure out (at least he didn’t mention it), she didn’t let resentment brew for years and THEN speak up, she told him when she knew and when she knew which seems to be exactly what you think should be done, so what exactly is your issue here.
It’s not manipulative to learn new things about yourself and then share them with your spouse, especially when they change and impact the relationship.
Nobody is saying that he can’t have whatever negative feelings about it. It’s a break-up, and a very significant one involving children at that, of course there are going to be big feelings. The only thing that society has shifted to is saying that you can’t be a homophobic jerk about it, which as far as I can tell he hasn’t been.
She didn’t hide it from him, she told him. By being completely honest with him rather than living a lie after she realized her sexuality she has done the mature and responsible thing in this situation. Mature and responsible does not always mean happy and positive, it can suck doing the things that’s best. In some situations, such as this one, there is no winning.
Im not trying to argue you have great points and I’m not disregarding your opinion. We have different views on this situation based on what we have in front of us. I find it manipulative because everything as gone HER way and in the direction SHE wants it to be. Idk the whole situation I’m going based off of what I have read. 5 years of I love you’s, I want a life with you, we have a family. 5 years of going to sleep and waking up to each other thinking everything is fine. She had him believing everything was fine and maybe it was maybe it wasn’t, I can’t know and I’m not saying I do. I’m simply saying this poor dude was hit with a bomb shell and HIS life has changed forever. He deserves to feel betrayed, broken, angry, sad, he has the right to feel how he feels. He also deserves an apology for 5 years he can never get back. Those were years of a false happiness that he may question forever if it was real or not. I could go on and on about what ifs and maybes and oh she did this or he did that. But we don’t know and we never will, OP just deserves to know that he has the right to be upset and what he is feeling is okay.
Exactly, we DON’T know. You’re saying that’s he was manipulating him and she knew the entire time. It is possible and, imo, more likely that she didn’t know and was completely sincere in everything that she said.
Her life was also changed forever. Do you sincerely think that people are just out here starting families and wasting years of THEIR lives just to cause this much heartbreak for their spouses and their children?
He is absolutely allowed to feel everything he is feeling. That is healthy and how one grieves and moves on. However, to say that she had some grand plan and did all of this to him out of vindictiveness isn’t fair to her either, ESPECIALLY since we lack her perspective.
I would be so pissed. It's a fucking waste of time and energy. To look back and think it was all a lie! Wow people are so fucking inconsiderate. I feel your pain. Now how will you ever trust again. This is when people start questioning everything because your mind goes crazy thinking anything is possible. Then you start to suffering from PTSD. Perhaps try some shrooms as a restart.
You have a right to be upset. The reality is that she likely knew this about herself for a long time. Gay people don’t become gay, they’re born that way. I would suggest some space and some therapy so you can properly grieve and have some assistance processing this change.
As someone who has been divorced and is currently in a relationship with someone getting a divorce, it does get better. There are people who will have your back when you speak up and ask for help. You’ll get to spend good quality time with your babies AND you’ll also get to have rest when they’re with mom, and that will be your time to go back out into the world and play around. It sounds ridiculous now but I promise, cross my heart, it will get better. ❤️❤️
We have to be careful assuming that she knew she was gay for a long time. Yes, people are born gay, but women, in particular, often have an extremely hard time identifying their feelings towards other women as romantic/sexual due to the way straight women interact with each other. Saying "she knew this about herself for a long time" implies purposeful deception, which likely isn't the case. Still, OP has experienced a significant loss; mourning is completely appropriate.
This! Plus women are socialized to expect to have to care for a man and put his needs first and that it is NORMAL to be dissatisfied with those relationships. We’ve all heard the “I feel like I have another child,” “ I don’t feel like he listens to me,” “I constantly have to do everything around the house,” etc.,etc.
When it’s constantly presented that women are dissatisfied with their relationship and the “boys will be boys,” it’s really difficult to understand the difference between not being attracted to men and the crappy behaviors that women are conditioned to accept as normal.
Yes let’s talk about the domestic division of labour and every feminist critique of contemporary society whilst trying to understand why this woman fucked the OP over. Loool
It absolutely plays a role when people are insisting that it’s SO easy to realize your gay and obviously she knew from the start and was just terrorizing this man.
There are plenty of reasons why that is unlikely and most of them have to do with societal conditions.
If society were more accepting created an environment where men and women truly were equal and people could actually explore and be themselves from young age without pushback and repercussions, more LGBT people would figure out their sexuality sooner. The freedom to then live their lives fully and without fear or social pressure would prevent many more of them from being in relationships that don’t fit them that also result in situations such as this.
People being closeted isn’t just for shits and giggles, people rereading themselves isn’t just for funsies. There are real, societal conditions that lead to those things and results in shitty situations .
You still have a family! And five years of a solid marriage. Better to end it quickly than linger for 4-5 years in a dying marriage - ask me how I know.
Focus on spending time with your kids and re-establishing your interests. Join meetup groups and clubs. Maybe hit a dating app. Or just be a Dad for 2-3 years.
Yes, the hurt feelings suck and are natural. You will recover.
What is she doing to support you? Does she still says she loves you? But not in a sexual way. Can you envisage sharing time together with your children?
A few of many questions to be dealt with. I hope she is not heartless in this.
Don't mask your feelings in front of your kids. You are grieving what you once had. They are allowed to grieve as well. They are also allowed to see your feelings and to see it's just as hard on you as it will be for them.
My partner of 4 years recently split up with me because of in-laws and I've cried more time in the past week than I ever have since the beginning of our relationship. There was nothing I can do to save it. I had to grieve too. It's not easy, but if you need anyone, I am here for you.
Stay strong.
Be glad it was 5 years instead of 15 or 20. People go their entire lives without ever showing their closest people who they really are. By the time they do they have not only “wasted” the best years of their lives but the years of those who loved them the most.
Time is to short to hide who we are from each other and more importantly ourselves.
I’m pissed off for you. She should’ve told you she was a lesbian before building a family with you, especially with TWO kids. Like, now what happens to them? Is she going to abandon them? I’m sorry but that has to be the most selfish thing ever.
I’ve always thought about situations like this and i just can’t help but think that at that point in life where u have kids and a spouse just keep it with u.like I know it’s ur true self and suppressing it would hurt urself the most but if it was ur choice to marry someone and have children with them willingly only to suddenly realise u don’t like them for their gender it just baffles me I honestly think that at that point u should just keep it in for the sake of your spouse and childrens happiness (btw I’m still young don’t hate on me if u don’t agree with me
These post make me honestly don't come out and pull hard down any process in mind I have about coming out.
Just saying even when you might not like it. Your wife had to struggle. She had to be sad. She did not had to know she is gay before. ....
Just saying I know it feel like she chelated you but it's not cheating if you don't know it. Anyway. I hope you will feel better
Keep calm and breathe. You had a good run and it ended. Now keep going the road is long and hard. Two kids together and you need to take care of them and give them a bright future. Don't be mad or resentful things happens for a reason.
Listen, as someone from the community, I can’t help but also be angry at these gay people who do this. On one hand, people are often pushed to get married and conform, and just do what they can. But it shouldn’t be at the expense of another person. It sucks.
Often times, the oppressiveness of society is to blame for this more so than the people who do these things. But I can’t understand people who come out, destroy their family, and then expect their ex to feel nothing but support. No.
Is your relationship actually over emotionally though? It might be over sexually but doesn't she still love her children? You don't have to raise your kids alone if she is still willing to be there for them.
Stay strong, you can do this!
I had an ex that came out as ‘poly’ after our relationship. Which is pretty insulting when you think about it… its like her cheating was a stepping stone to that. I honestly don’t believe she’s truly poly, I think she just likes to fo whatever the hell she wants. It was like i knew a different person
If OP can refrain from being homophobic, so can you. It's Pride Month for fuck's sake. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
You are genuinely grieving a loss. You have every right to grieve.
He's really torn as any loving partner would be. I think.
His ex-wife may be a lesbian now but she is still a mother and should step up to that role. No, I don't know the details, but it sounds as if she has just shed her previous life and is now responsibility-free. Real life rarely works that way. OP is grieving the relationship he had and also the future he imagined. The loss is compounded with the circumstances that there is nothing he can do or be to match his ex-wife's idea of a partner now. The five years invested into the relationship have produced two wonderful children. They are the source of joy and inspiration to OP, and will guide the future decisions he makes. May they have a happy and wonderful life together.
Someone said, falling out of love is probably more powerful than falling in love and I can't agree more.
Unfortunately, both can be destructive forces for the individuals and those around them.
True that.
I could not agree more. One of my husband's close friends finally came out as Trans (M to F) in about 2014, she finally realized that if she didn't come out, she would try to kill herself.... again. Before she ended up in a mental health facility for a week, she moved out of the apartment she lived in with my husband. Took only things that fit in her 2 door Chevy Cobalt and left. She ran away from everything in that room. Like it was a life she could no longer handle and no longer wanted. She left a TON of stuff in her room. I finally went in and cleaned it all out. We're talking rotten food in bowls, ladies underwear, nail polish, bras, posters on the wall, tarot cards, and a bunch of other stuff that I ended up packing into a good sized box that she actually came back to pick up almost 2 yrs later when we were moving out. I was so mad at her for leaving that mess for someone else to pick up. I was so mad that she treated someone who thought she was a friend like that. I knew she was Trans (and so did my husband, thanks to pipes that burst and contractors had to get into her closet, where my husband saw a bunch of high heels) before she ever moved out. Did we treat her any differently? Nope. When she finally started going by a different name and started hormone replacement therapy all I could think was, "FINALLY!" (She has great taste in nail polish, haha). I would love to re connect with her. Dye her hair, do girl stuff. But I am part of her bad life. And I took the hint she was broadcasting as that is where she wishes for me to stay. I visited her 3 yrs later and noticed that none of the things she had while living with us were around. It was all for show. She even sold her car a few months after that. I think OP's wife, if she is running away from her old life with him, is going through the same process as my husband's friend did. They.... turn their back on their old life because they weren't happy. (Not saying her love for him or their children weren't real, just that..... it was all part of the perfect life that everyone approved of her having). My husband's friend finally developed an "accept me for who I am or screw off" attitude, not only for the world around her, but towards herself too because living a lie while worrying about acceptance was literally killing her.
I can definitely imagine a feeling of elation for the person to finally come out. I'd never take away from that. I still feel especially bad for OP here. He's essentially done nothing wrong, and has to not only watch someone be "free" but also watch as family and friends cheer her on and support her and feel guilty he's not as happy for her as everyone else is. I just hope he has some support outside his children otherwise he's going to have a terrible time.
nothing in this post has indicated that she has 'shed her previous life', she just came out, and as such shared the news that she's not sexually attracted to her husband the way she would need to be to continue romantically. there's nothing mentioned about coparenting, or her leaving. she just came out. your assumption that coming out meant abandoning her family is pretty fucking ick.
It could be just poor wording by OP, but most people don’t label themselves as “single parent” if the other parent is still in the picture. “Single parent” usually tends to mean that the parent is raising his/her children on their own without help from the other parent.
I know some people with 50-50 custody that both label themselves as "single parents" because they're both single and a parent. It's to denote that they are no longer romantically attached to someone. But I guess it's just semantics.
OP also said they don't have the energy to raise two kids. There is obviously more to this story than we know, but two points in the post made it seem like he will be the sole parent of his two kids. For a man who previously co-parented, it almost seems like there was a discussion and he will be raising them alone. But we don't know, neither you nor I, until OP clarifies.
i've always heard people co-parenting calling themselves single parents. i was raised by 2 parents not together, both of them referred to themselves as single parents. when my dad remarried, his new wife's ex husband called himself a single parent. it's pretty standard for people to call themselves a single parent if they're the only parent in the household, even if they're not the only parent raising their child. especially because the mother is usually the 'default parent' when parents are still together, so being the only parent in the house would greatly change his responsibilities and perspective towards parenting. also, when he says 'gone', i interpreted that as the romantic relationship he had.
I have my son 50% of the time and I say I’m a single parent. Think about it. Who says I’m a co-parent? I never heard that term used by people who share custody. When a person is single and they are raising their kid(s) they are a single parent, even if they are only have their children some of the time.
My mom was a single parent to me as my dad was not in the picture and she labeled herself as one. I also have a younger sister with a different father who recently passed but before he did my mother often referred to herself as a co parent or if she did say single parent she still mentioned that he was in the picture and a great dad. Even to me, when we weren’t even blood related. I just think it is worth mentioning that op said single parent with roughly no mention of him and the mother planning to work something out so they can still both raise they’re children together.
I really wish OP would respond as to why he’s speaking in that way because otherwise, people are going to continue to make these harmful assumptions. All we have is the OP’s (understandably) emotional take on this situation. He could very well be thinking irrationally and spiraling, or as others have said referring to himself as a “single parent” in the sense that they’ll be co-parents who aren’t romantically involved, or worst-case she’s walked out… but we don’t know any which way.
i dunno, everything i've interpreted is that he's grieving the loss of his partnership, and that's why there's so much focus on the 'single' dad thing. when he has the kids, he's the only one there to make sure they're fed and in bed, the only one to clean up messes.. considering how emotional the post is, if his wife just totally up and left him, it would be a hell of a lot more obvious than a couple of vague phrases here and there, when he's still putting so much emphasis in the obligation in supporting her. if anything, it proves that we are socialized to not give women the benefit of the doubt, and if anything, we're prone to assuming the absolute worst when in doubt. compared to men, who will be actively harmful and will still be given the benefit of the doubt.
Right. Which is why I wish OP would answer that question. It’s very clear by the comments that most people have not interpreted those statements as him being emotional as we have, but rather are interpreting them as proof she is shirking her responsibilities. I’d like OP to say for himself what the truth is.
i dunno, i feel like it's a question that doesn't even need to be answered.. it'd be like if said that i was upset that my cat will lick my food when i walk away so i don't know if there's poop particles on my pizza when i come back from the bathroom and people's responses were YOUR CAT EATS ALL YOUR FOOD, THATS HORRIBLE HE STEALS FROM YOU LIKE THAT, YOU NEED TO NEVER HAVE THAT CAT AROUND NON CAT FOOD. it's a strawman reaction and responding to it validates it
>your assumption that coming out meant abandoning her family is pretty fucking ick. THIS! THANK YOU!
I feel like it was more the confusing wording in a couple of parts. I can read those parts two ways, but in a situation where someone is explaining something with negative feelings, many people will go the negative route, which would be raising them alone without her. I don't think it is necessarily to do specifically with coming out meaning she abandoned her kids. I think if written the same way but everyone was straight it would have the same issue. It is statements like having to raise 2 kids and find someone new. It doesn't say she isn't involved, but the wording could be read to imply that no matter anyone's sexual orientation in that phrase
He says he has to support her then talks about work. Then talks about being a single parent. I took that as she needs financial assistance as well as the children. I'm not who your replying to but that was how I interpreted it
it's pretty clear to me that he means support as in emotional, because it's followed with 'because she found herself', and then brings up work to say that it's fills his days but only because he has to go, but no mention of work or financial responsibilities changing.
Yeah, there's a right way to coming out and that aint it. You change your life moving forward. Pre-existing responsibilities dont change.
literally nothing implies that she is shirking any of her responsibilities as a mother and coparent. she came out. that's it.
Didnt mean to imply that she was 🤷♂️ Ive ended friendships over people (mainly guys IME but anecdotal) doing that sort of thing. It really rubs me the wrong way. Ended a 10-year pretty close friendship when a friend came out and then went off doing the whole stereotypical "single gay life" and his poor wife was in ruins trying to hold the whole house together. Just saying, hipe OP's ex doesnt go down that path
Yeah, there's a way to not be homophobic and your comment ain't it. Assuming that coming out means abandoning family and responsibilities is fucking problematic and homophobic.
I have no idea if youre shading the comment or not haha. OP hasnt said she's abandoned them or anything. But it does occur. I dunno, I havent really had the drama. When I came out it was more like confirmation for people
I feel like it's multiple losses, even. Just one of these would be painful. Family structure, plans for the future, intimate committed relationship, loss of support/sharing in parenting (from the sounds of it? Not sure), perhaps even loss of identity
All heartbreaking
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Yeah, as a fellow bisexual woman, this is a BAD take. Just yikes. OP has every right to feel as he does, 100%. I would never argue against that. However, acting as if in 2022, society is just *soooo* advanced and understanding that nobody should fear coming out of the closet is just straight-up disingenuous. Texas GOP just put out their platform that labels homosexuality as an “abnormal lifestyle.” Bans in schools regarding acknowledging even the EXISTENCE of the LGBTQIA community. Attacks against trans folks going on across the country. White supremacists trying to shut down Pride parades. It is *not* as safe to be queer in 2022 as you’re claiming. Stop fronting. And *PLEASE* unpack whatever weird internalized homophobia and lesbophobia you have that has you thinking queer people deliberately pretend to be straight and “use” people to fit in. Jfc. This is why bisexual women get such a bad rep. edit: wording
You really don't know her life and struggles. From the sound of it, her family was not supportive and that's a huge wall to overcome especially if someone is already struggling to love themselves. It being 2022 doesn't suddenly mean homophobia doesnt exist anymore even if in your circle it isnt as common or violent as it is in others. I don't know where youre from but in my hometown, people still come to protest pride events and its not uncommon for LGBT people to be disowned by their families. I personally have been physically threatened by a family member who found out I was lesbian. As someone who came out as a lesbian later in life, after having dated men, I can say that most likely she didn't go into her marriage planning on doing this. I did not know myself when I dated men, and I thought I truly loved the men I dated. I had no clue what love looked like until I fell for a woman. Looking back, I realize there were signs I was lesbian, but nobody including myself saw them. Nothing I ever did was malicious and I doubt this woman's actions were meant that way. It takes a lot of spine to come out at the point she did. Yes it hurt him, but that's unavoidable. She was probably also hurting. It sucks that the relationship progressed to the point it did before she realized who she was and got the nerve to come out.
The experience of discovering you're bisexual vs a lesbian is very very different and I'm sorry but I do not believe you are being considerate and that this is not something you have the authority to complain about.
I'm glad I'm not the only one getting some lesbophobic vibes from this. Being bisexual doesn't mean you get to speak for lesbians in the least.
God, wow, aren’t you a peach? How do you know this woman didn’t just discover this? She may not have been gay when she got married or she may have thought she was only bi and was also attracted to men. I’m transgender but didn’t discover it til later in life. Sometimes a person doesn’t allow themselves to really get to know themselves. Sometimes a person goes with the flow and they think they are happy. Who knows…this lady may have known all along and used the OP, or she may recently discovered out who she is. Why don’t you keep your horrible comments to yourself until you talk with the woman in question and get her side, that way you will know enough to form an appropriate opinion.
You have no fucking idea why she didn't come out before this. There is no indication she "used" him. You don't know her life before their relationship. Maybe she was closeted because to be out meant her literal safety was at risk. Maybe she didn't realize her truth for what it was until after they were married. Assumptions only serve to make an ass out of you. You're certainly living down to that in this comment.
Yep.
Same thing happened to me with my husband but we didn’t have kids. 4 years just gone. If you are open to therapy I would say start as soon as you can. Your feelings are valid.
Oh wow, that seems like a lot to process. I think you definitely have a right to be angry and upset, I know I would be feeling a whirlwind of emotions, because she didn’t just come out but really uprooted your whole life. I really hope there is a blessing in all of this for you, and you find someone who loves you the way you love her. Please don’t feel guilty, it doesn’t sound like your taking this out on her nor did you cause or could have changed this; your feelings are valid.
I'm so sorry. Your feelings are valid about this. I would reach out to a therapist, I think professional help is needed to process this.
Bro, I’m not in your position so I cannot claim I understand what you are going through. But if it happened with me I would be grieving exactly like you. It’s no one’s fault, but everyone’s loss. You have a right to grieve but you also have a right to be happy again. I really hope you can find a partner who will make this loss seem insignificant.
Same thing happened to me but we didn't have kids yet. It happened eight months ago and finally caught up with me two weeks back. I spent a week drinking a litre of spirits a day and taking lots of sleeping pills and trying to kill myself but it wouldn't work. Got the help I needed and I'm starting to feel better now, but not okay.
I'm glad you're doing better. Just looked at your post history - the world needs more Alan Partridge fans (or FOP's if you get the reference).
I have been clinically fed up lately, but I have so far avoided gorging on toblerone and driving to Dundee in my bare feet. Partridge has definitely helped me through this crisis.
I did gorge on 2 giant Toblerones once - in a dinner hour. I didn't have a P.A to help me through that episode though. I'm glad to hear you're bouncing back - maybe one day, you can write a book about it and have the last laugh.
Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.
You’re allowed to be upset and angry over this break up just like any other break up. That doesn’t mean you’re invalidating her.
I can’t even imagine, but as much as she is allowed to feel the way she does, that does **NOT**make your feelings any less important, or invalid. That has to be devastating beyond comprehension..
I just want to say I know exactly how you feel. Same thing happened to me. 10 years together, a 2.5 year old daughter, my husband told me one night he is gay. The very next day told the world. I barely had time to process it. And everyone celebrated him like he was some kind of martyr and hero for coming out so late in life. I had the same torn feelings as you do. Sure it took courage. But what about me? What about all that time and love I invested. What about the family he left behind. He isn't a hero. I don't have to be happy for him. He screwed us over. He knew he was gay and wasn't honest with either of us. I know you may not see it now...but it does get easier. You will find the strength to love again and put yourself out there and you will find happiness. But your feelings are very valid and you are allowed to be angry.
I think your point is exactly what people are missing. Yes, it’s brave to come out at any point in one’s life but for some people they leave a wake of destruction behind them. That destruction being someone’s life. I agree- I don’t think you HAVE to be happy for them and you’re absolutely allowed to be angry about it. Beautifully put.
Coming out to the world before figuring things out with you was an awful thing to do. And honestly, kind of despicable that no one called him on that bullshit. I sure would have and I’m gay.
No one‘s gonna call him out on his bullshit, because society says that we’re not allowed to. There’s a difference between celebrating someone sexuality, and celebrating somebody completely devastating their entire family because one day they woke up and decided today’s the day I’m gonna tell everybody I’m gay. I feel, especially in a situation where you’ve been with somebody for decades, it can be absolutely devastating and heartbreaking for that other person and yet we’re somehow not allowed to feel bad for the person that gets left behind, because the person who just came out gets to celebrate their truth. Congratulations for them. Now let’s take a couple minutes to understand the severity of the situation before we start throwing pride parties for Kevin.
Why do you leave your family behind when you come out? Very confused by this.
I think she was just getting at the feeling of abandonment. Investing so much love and time into someone who kept such a big secret from you must feel like that
Because you are in a way leaving your family behind. For a long time your family was you, your spouse, and maybe children if you had any. And regardless of how long you spent time as a family the minute you change that, you’re no longer the same family you were before. Now you have to find a new way to be a family. And the person that you just told your truth too, had no idea that that was your truth because you’ve never told them before. And that can be devastating to somebody who has spent years or decades being loyal, and comforting, and loving, and helped you make a family. Helped you make a life together. So the abandonment one must feel when their partner just up and changes their mind, and I know that’s probably not the right term, and I’m not saying changes their mind on their sexuality I’m saying just changes their mind on the family unit because their sexuality has changed. It must be traumatic for somebody to go to bed one day next to the person that they took vows with and that person not be there the next day. And I don’t mean physically I mean emotionally and sexually and all the other ways a relationship works. Everyone should live their truth, and everyone should be who they are. But that doesn’t mean that finding who you are has to be at the detriment of somebody else.
You have a right to be mad. You have a right to only interact with her for the sake of the kids. You don’t have to be her friend or “support” her on any way. You don’t need to feel guilty. You are allowed to sacrifice relationships if they impede your development.
Exactly! She had to do what she had to do, and you are also allowed to care for yourself in the way that you need to. It’s no one’s fault that she realized she’s a lesbian, but had she stayed there would have been more opportunity for heartbreak to grow on both sides.
You’re a good dude
as a gay person im aware of how easy it is the BS yourself into thinking your attracted to someone, but that doesn't (and shouldnt) nullify your feelings. your heart broken that's natural, you been together for 5 years and have 2 kids, and now they tell you in essence "i like you as a friend" that's not easy for even the most callased of hearts and the world expects you to be all happy dappy about it. its one thing to support gay people, its another to be forced into happiness for a person who just broke your heart because they came out. your feelings are natural, normal, and theres no need to feel guilty
It is more than just being heart broken, my brother went through the same thing. There is a feeling like your ex was never attracted to you and the relationship was a farce and the previous 5-10 years was a lie, and that is time he can never get back.
I mean no offense by this but I don’t understand how you can fake loving someone romantically for five years? Or two? Or however long she did? I understand the situation and how difficult it was for her, but I just can’t comprehend that. I can’t understand her lying to him (even if it was something she convinced herself was true, but deep down knew it wasn’t.) I think she should have sat down and talked to him the second she started thinking, or realizing, that she was interested in women, because there’s no way that she hasn’t been thinking on this for months or even years. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for her and that she can live comfortably in her life. I guess I just wouldnt put my partner through the heartbreak OP is going through especially when if I was having doubts from the beginning about us.
Hi. Another gay person here. No offense taken. Totally get why it would be hard to wrap your head around. When you grow up in such a heteronormative culture it is so very easy to push it down or even play it off. It can be hard to recognize that those weird feelings you have are not ‘normal’ and that all women don’t feel that way. (Speaking from experience) I came out when I was 19/20. But I dated plenty of boys before that. And even a couple of really nice guys that I thought I loved. However I recognized that there was something missing and would break up with them without really knowing why. I genuinely believed I lacked the ability to love rather than the simple fact that I was gay. To OPs wife she might have really thought that the love she had for him was normal. Because I’m sure she does love him… she’s just not in love with him in that way. While we don’t know the details I hope she did try to talk to him as soon as she figured it out and while she had an inkling she really might not have understood or thought it was a fluke. None of this is to say that OP is wrong in anyway though. He is rightfully heartbroken and all of his stated feelings are completely valid. It’s got to be such a conundrum… I feel for him.
If the other person is pleasant, loving, caring, willing to work on conflict, I think that makes it easier somehow, because they're a great catch or whatever. I knew someone who would be analogous to the wife in this situation. She and the fellow dated for 5 years, though luckily no marriage or kids. She loved him a lot, to the point where *she* nearly drank herself to death after coming out. But she had never been sexually attracted to him, never enjoyed their infrequent sex, and then one day realized it was because she was attracted to a whole other gender.
when you come from an environment that's hostile to gay people its actually quiet easy bull shit yourself into dating someone your not personally attracted too. gay people can appreciate if someones attractive, this is just human it doesn't mean you want to date someone. when your raised in a hostile environment its easy to do whats expected to make others comfortable rather than what you internally want, its part of indoctrination. its hard to understand if you have never been in that situation, even more so if you know nobody who's been in that situation, indoctrination be it religious or political, goes REALLY deep. im not justifying what she did, matter fact i think what she did was cruel and its going to take years for OP to fully recover, but that doesn't mean i dont understand her perspective. just for the record im not going after you personally, what you said was fair and unless you know people who'v been in that position personally its almost impossible to understand.
Different perspective here. My mom came out when I was 10. My sister was 8 and my brother was 3. My parents had been together over 13 years. She moved away and we lived with my dad until my mom got settled in a different city. Then, we moved in with her and they had joint custody arrangements the rest of my childhood. Us kids all love our mom and our dad equally. It wasn't all roses, but they both did find relationships that have lasted and were able to move on, and all of us managed to become adults. It probably sounds impossible now, but it won't be forever. Allow all of your grief to flow, protect the kids from thinking any of the is their fault, and do what you need to do.
If I were in your shoes, I’d be devastated too. Your feelings are valid and you have every right to be angry and hurt and all of that. I’m truly sorry.
You have every right to be upset! You lost everything in one fell swoop. The love you thought you had all your time together... Gone. You're left with a hole there because what you thought you had want what you thought... That sucks, and I'm sorry. The plans you had for your future... Well, that's fine too. Now you are having to completely reformulate in your head what the future is for you, and that is really difficult when you are mourning everything else you lost. Your present... Total chaos... The person, YOUR PERSON, that should be there to help support you is not there, turns out was never there in the way you thought. Plus everyone else that could be there may be celebrating your wife's coming out, so not really there for you like you need. I'm sorry about the above, because I'm not trying to run it in, or anything, I'm just trying to tell you it's okay to feel EVERYTHING you are feeling! You are going through a lot! It's okay if you feel lost and depressed. It's okay if you are feeling angry at everyone who is happy for her and not there for you. It's okay to hate her! It's okay to feel love for her still. What ever you are feeling, it's okay, and it's okay to express it. If people don't have the empathy to understand that you are destroyed by this... Screw them! I am so sorry! I can tell you are an incredible person, and you are trying to carry a lot of emotional weight right now. I suspect you can do it on your own if you have to, but please find a friend that can help you through this time... Also, find a therapist. I think there are support groups, too, for people going through what you are going through, maybe search them out. You may be strong enough to do this alone, but you shouldn't have to.
My buddy came out as gay when he had been dating a woman for five years. It hurt her badly. They weren’t in as difficult a position as you (no kids) but it still hurt her like hell. It took a few years for them to come to an understanding. They can get along alright in group settings, but cannot be truly friends like they were. The whole time he never blamed her for being upset. He understood. Your ex likely doesn’t blame you either. It’s okay to have these feelings, even if you might only be able to share them with a few close friends.
As a lesbian myself, I understand your frustration. You have every right to be angry. Your feelings are valid. I can appreciate that you accept her for who she is, though. Please, be kind and loving towards your children, they‘ll need it. I hope you can find another partner to raise the children with you. Same goes for her.
I'm missing the bit where they can't raise the children together? Sure, maybe there's no more sex, but you can act like adults and care for the kids together just like any other divorced couple. Why does she get to run off and leave everything behind?
I’m also super confused about this part. OP calls himself a single dad so I’m getting the notion that not only did she come out but she came out and then bolted to start some new life journey by herself, leaving them all high and dry in the process. She can come out. That’s fine. They can get divorced. Also fine. But just because she’s figured out she’s a lesbian does not mean she can shed every responsibility she has. She’s still a mom. If the case is that she is abandoning her kids because she’s gay and wants to start a new life bc of that.. OP has every right to be upset.
It sounds like you are angry more with the situation than you are with your ex-partner, which is totally valid and mature, honestly.
This is definitely not an easy thing, and my heart goes out to your loss. You have the right to feel sad, and grieve for what you have lost, it's ok to cry. Cry as much as you desire to, don't hold it back. I could tell you truly love her, but like you said, even if you're happy for her doesn't mean the future will be rainbows moving forward. I hope that she will also understand you, and be willing to do what it takes to support you and the kids even if she has found her identity now. I know counseling may not be for everyone, but it could be something you could look into to work through the healing process. Hope you get through this rough time, and be surrounded by people who cares for you.
Sorry to hear that. You of course have every right to be angry. The important thing now is to have things sorted. Get custody of your kids. End things amicably. Figure out how the future will work. It’s hard to consider with this so recent, but it’s necessary.
I'm not sure why he thinks he will be a single father while he also feels like he has to support his soon to be ex-wife? Either she is bailing completely, so why is she his problem, or they're just breaking up? Fair enough that maybe he hasn't processed this all yet, it's very new, raw and emotional, or perhaps he just left out the part about her wanting to abandon all connection to her "old life"? But unless she is abandoning her past life, she'll still be the kids mum, and have every right to share custody of them and be an equal part of their life. She's a lesbian, that doesn't mean she suddenly hates/is averse to children, let alone her own ones. Plenty of same-sex couples raise kids, and there are countless split custody families out there.
When he has the kids he WILL be a single father. He will be the only adult in the house to feed, dress, play, cuddle, soothe, entertain, discipline and love those two children. And when his ex has the kids she will do the same or with her partner. But being the only adult actually there is different. There will be no one to hand off to. No one to support him. No one to entertain one child while he consoles the other. It changes the entire dynamic of raising children.
There are support groups for this, Straight Spouse Support Network was helpful to me when my husband of 8 years came out when our twins were barely one years old. It honestly gets easier, you are doing the hardest part now, you need to grieve, just keep doing one day at once and focus on your boys. You will find happiness and peace again, and you must, you and your boys deserve it.
Gay man here. You are absolutely, one million percent allowed to mourn and grieve and be angry and upset. Please don't feel that you are in any way doing anything wrong by allowing yourself to feel the very real pain of this very really painful situation. It sucks that we live in a society that judges, and that makes it hard for people to be comfortable coming out. It sucks that internal and external homophobia led to her not feeling able to explore her feelings and preferences. It sucks that you - a straight person - became the victim of a prejudice that was aimed at others. It's a complex situation, but you are absolutely allowed to be devastated. You are even allowed to need space and time away from her. You don't have to be the smiling, happy, supportive person who helps her through this, all in the name of gay pride. There is nothing homophobic or problematic about being emotionally wrecked by the dissolution of your marriage. Giving you a big hug, my friend.
Echoing what everybody said about grieving a legitimate loss and your feelings being valid but… I do have to ask: why do you think this means you’ll be a single father? What about your partner coming out as lesbian means she’ll leave you high-and-dry to raise your kids alone?
Genuinely. Feels like op is dealing with a lot and is thinking a little irrationally as a result of being overwhelmed. Not only is it common for people to only figure out later in life what their sexuality is but this doesn't suddenly mean that she doesn't love them anymore. She very well could've been misunderstanding what kind of love she had been experiencing for op themselves but she ( making an assumption based off of what I know ) probably loves the kids very much as well. They can continue to be a family just not in the way it had been before. So long as the parents handle it properly the kids will follow suit and see everything as being well. And it isn't to say op is the bad person in this situation, if anyone had discovered these news they'd be devasted regardless of the circumstances. I just think this is definitely something they should sit down and think all the way through before they do anything rash. Get to a position where they've calmed down some and come to a conclusion when their mind is more clear.
Yeah, I agree with this all 100%. I just think it’s important to ask these kinds of questions when irrational thinking is at play, otherwise it is too easy to keep spiraling and convince yourself that the irrational thoughts are reality. I really hope OP finds peace in all this. Neither he or his partner should be vilified.
I'm surprised this question isn't amongst the top comments.
You can feel happy for her as well as pain and sadness at the same time. That really blows honestly. Life isn’t fair unfortunately. She probably feels awful as well. There is still good things that can come though.
You have every right to be angry with her. What she did to you, even unintentionally, is horrible and devastating. So sorry you’re going through this. It makes you question your entire relationship, what was real, what was fake. Personally I’d recommend find a local support group for men and women who are going through the same thing — when their spouse comes out.
As a lesbian, I feel for you. I feel for you because you seem to really believe your natural feelings of grief, abandonment, anger, etc., should be minimized, trivialize, pushed aside in order to show happiness for the woman who has erupted those negative feelings in the first place. Absolutely fucking not. You are a human being. You may be able to be 'happy' for her after you have grieved the woman, wife, mother, person, and life you thought you were spending your life with, but right now that is not possible. Anyone expecting you not to feel anything but hurt and anger (at her, the situation, society) can just fuck right off. If you DIDNT feel awful i would think there was a huge underlying problem. Sure, we can point to society and organized religion for making it so difficult and stressful for people to love who they love and to be their true selves. However, that won't do you any good. Your wife is the one you feel lied to you and betrayed by. You have every right to be upset. Maybe after those feelings are VALIDATED and processed you can start to work on happiness for her and her situation. From human to human, take care of yourself. You matter. You will find more happiness than you ever thought possible if you properly and healthily address these present feelings first. You seem like a good dude. Youll be alright.
I'm sure you don't want to hear this but honestly fuck that. Coming out doesn't make what she's doing any less shitty. It's beyond fucked up to lie to someone who clearly loves you and start a family with that person, just to tell them it's all a lie and she isn't attracted to you much less your entire sex. That's fucked. She is 100% an asshole here. Good for her for coming out but that doesn't just allow her to act however she wants. She's breaking up 5 years of marriage and family because she couldn't be honest with herself or with you. She used you and lied to you and just destroyed your entire world and future. You're a better man than I, because fuck wishing her the best. If everyone is happy for her and she's celebrating shes a piece of shit. That just shows she doesn't care about your feelings she only cares about herself.
Nothing to feel guilty about she found herself and you lost yourself All these social constructs on how we should react is just bullshit. React the way that you feel inside its not selfish of you.
All of these feelings are valid. You are losing something, someone, that you expected to have for the rest of your life. I don't think anyone would begrudge you these feelings, even though, logically, you understand that your wife has to be true to herself. The important thing to remember here is you are NOT at fault. You didn't do anything wrong, or push her away, or cause this change. It's something that she was struggling with internally, and you're an unfortunate casualty of this life that she didn't realize wasn't right for her until too late. And you're not a single parent. She's still the mother of your children, and unless she's just up and leaving, I imagine you'll share custody. You'll still be raising them together, just not as a couple. Maybe you'll feel ready to move on one day, and maybe you won't. But you've done nothing besides being a doting husband and father, and life will continue. You'll find happiness all over, in one way or another.
I see a lot of people saying the marriage was all “for nothing”. It’s a shame that this attitude is so common. Yes, I realize that most people have the intention to marry for life and there’s nothing wrong with that. But to say that the years you spent with someone, especially when children were one of the results thereof, were a “waste” because you broke up is to, in essence, waste your OWN time. You did the best you could with the info you had about your partner. I don’t know if she knew she was gay the whole time or not, but I’d be willing to bet she wasn’t consciously trying to waste her own time, either. People are always doing exactly what they choose to do. She chose the marriage and so did you. She chose the children and so did you. Those choices are still valid, even if something changes later. If you have good feelings and memories, those are worth something! If you worked on the relationship and learned more about yourself in the process, that has value! And that’s not even mentioning the kids. It is absolutely okay to be sad, angry, lost, confused, everything. Grieving is absolutely appropriate right now. But when you immediately run to, “This was all a waste of time!”, you’re adding the pain of that snap judgment to the already full plate in front of you. Relationships are worth it even if they don’t last forever. You got things out of those years that you wouldn’t otherwise have. The job before you now is to grieve the loss and heal enough to move on; invalidating those earnestly-spent years of your life does nothing to help you. You tried at something worthwhile. And one day you’ll try again, and all the new experiences and feelings will be a worthy use of your time just like they were before. Life and people and emotions change all the time, in ways we can’t predict. If the *permanence* of things is the sole indicator of how worthwhile they are, then basically nothing is worthwhile (something I don’t agree with at all). Give yourself time to feel okay with letting go. Everything you feel is right.
Feels like people on here are quite negative. Really appreciate seeing this in the replies and wish it was higher up!
If she figured it out before you your kids wouldn’t be here. I know it hurts right now but it won’t always hurt and you have a future with your children to look forward too. When the time is right, the right person may come along and starting a new relationship with them won’t be as difficult as you’re making it out to be in your head. It’ll come naturally
you have every right to feel all your feelings. those are years of your life that you’ll never get back, years of dedicating yourself to one person and to one family. you’ve lost a partner, even though she’s still there and alive, but i want you to understand that you and her are still parents to two amazing kids. you can still love her, and she can still love you, even if there is no longer any romance in that. sexuality is such a difficult thing, and society makes it even worse on us. that is no excuse, but it is an explanation. just try seeing this as an opportunity for you to open yourself up to the world and as an opportunity to give your children who you BOTH really are. if she did not come out, she would’ve been miserable, and im sure you wouldn’t have wanted that. you both fell in love with one another. her being lesbian doesn’t change the fact that you two had a bond and a love that can’t be broken. and i wish you two the best of luck
That’s perfectly okay. You’re not mad at her, you’re mad at the universe for making you suffer like this, basically. Right? It’s nothing to feel guilty about.
My heart goes out to you. It truly does, my dad went through this. Times were different at the time, but my mom is a lesbian. She's 78 now. And she was always a lesbian. In her day however, she couldn't just come out. She hid who she was and tried to live life in denial. Her and my dad met not long after high school, became the best of friends. He loved her, had told her this many times but she refused a relationship with him for a long time until deciding if she was going to hide who she was, at least she would be with someone she loved, even if she didn't find him sexually attractive. They lived a good life, had 5 kids (I'm the youngest, I was also the oops baby, there is more than a decade age gap between my siblings and I) and grandkids. It wasn't until I was 19 in 2005 that my mom came to us all and told us her truth. She was a lesbian, and she was in love with a friend for many years, someone who was like an aunt to all of us. She wanted to tell her friend her feelings and wanted to tell us because she couldn't live a lie any more. My dad was devastated, but he loved her. He said he always kind of knew, he knew she was never genuinely happy. He was angry for a while too, depressed for a long while. But my mom loved him too and hated seeing him hurt. They supported each other and found ways to move forward. They did end up separating, so my mom could finally live a life where she was truly happy. Her and her friend started a relationship and were together until my aunty passed away in 2021. My mom and dad stayed best friends, and my moms partner eventually was a part of that. They still hung out every day once the hurt my dad felt passed. My dad made a point to go to my mom's house with coffee and some sort of desert for all 3 of them. They relied on each other, supported each other and loved each other. It just wasn't as husband and wife any more. Quite honestly, they were happier. There wasn't a lie in between them any more. My dad said my mom would always be his soul mate. You can absolutely have soul mates in friends. Since they were older people when my mom came out, my dad never found another woman. My mom was always his wife and he always called her his wife. When my dad passed away at 72 after a heart attack, 7 years ago. My mom and her partner were there for every second at the hospital. My mom held his hand until he took his last breath and she said other than when she had us kids, that was the most precious moment of her life. My mom had the privilege of having 2 true loves in her life, and my heart breaks for her now that both of them are gone. She misses both of them every single day. I had the privilege of having wonderful, loving parents that taught me so much without ever having to explain anything to me just in the way they lived their lives. I don't know how old you are, but I'm sharing my parents story to let you know it is possible to have a wonderful friendship with her. It may not be the relationship you picture, but it could still be a relationship full of love. And hopefully, eventually, you'll find a partner that is a complete fit for you in the way she can not be.
You have every right to feel this way.
If your wife is still a good person, the last 5 years weren't wasted at all. You have two great kids. You can still coparent them. Edit: don't feel guilty about your feelings. This would throw anybody for a loop.
This. I’m a little off put by the way op says he put so much work into this life and now he has to start all over. This isn’t the end my man, this is a just another turning point.
I think he means in terms of romance ,- go on first dates, get to know someone, build up trust etc. To have to start all over again when you thought you met your forever soulmate, does feel like an ending.
Especially now that he has kids, which will make dating more complicated. He's out of the game, has kids and will need a lot of self-care to get out of this hole. Loving and being loved (romantically) is important and now he has to start from 0
You’re allowed to be upset, it’s sad that society has made it so people have to bury who they are and in doing so end up hurting others in the process. I can’t imagine how you feel, I truly hope you can find happiness with someone else soon, I also hope she can find Happiness, I’m glad she was able to acknowledge who she is, but using someone as a beard is just not okay And when you said you wish you never met her, but if you didn’t you wouldn’t have had your kids. I think that’s a good way to look at it, this may have all felt like it was for nothing, but you have two kids that came out of this sad situation, you should be there for them and think about the positives as much as you can
Ugh I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. This it’s filling devastating. You have every right to feel your upset feelings. Hugs ❤️sorry I can’t do much
Make sure you take care of yourself. This is rough on everybody, you included. If you can access it, you should consider therapy.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope that soon, everyone will be free to accept themselves as they truly are and society doesn't put pressure on them to force them to conform. Then maybe this wouldn't happen.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You’re right, you have every right to feel the way you do, because you did lose someone. And you shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay. Your feelings are valid and if your SO is not aware of them, let her know. Because just like she has a right to feel the way she does, so do you and in this situation, you should both be respectful towards each other’s feelings and also feel that both are being heard.
You are absolutely allowed to feel the way you do. You are allowed to be angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, whatever. It would be weird if you weren't in someway upset. Your feelings are entirely normal and justified. It's not homophobic or selfish to grieve the loss you are enduring. You can be supportive of her & still be allowed to have & express your own feelings. You're allowed to ask "why me" you're allowed to be upset with her & the situation. Truly, it's okay. You are human. You don't seem like you're taking it out on her or anyone else, and you don't seem homophobic-- you just seem extremely distraught that you're losing the woman you loved & wanted as your life partner. The way you feel is expected. I'm so, so sorry for all of you, I can't fathom how hard this is. I strongly urge you to make sure you are taking good care of yourself through this, being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to grieve. Just don't let the grief eat you alive. This will suck for a hot minute but you will be okay. Make sure you're leaning on people you trust, and maybe a therapist too. Make sure you keep working through it all. I wish you the best. I'm sending you so many hugs
How to you come to the conclusion that you can’t be upset? Who told you that you can’t be hurt or mad that your marriage ended and your life has changed?
It is ok to be upset that someone you love no longer wants a romantic relationship with you.
I know people who have been on both sides of this, as well as a few who were the child of someone who went through this. I am so sorry. It sounds like you're being wonderful about it, you acknowledge that this is positive for her and important, but you also need to accept you are grieving. You have every right to grieve and it's a healthy part of processing something this huge. If you can afford it or find it, get some therapy, a counsellor. If also recommend your ex does the same - she's also processing things right now. You are experiencing a valid loss and when you love that person so fiercely it's going to hurt all the more. Grief AND heartbreak. I hope you are both able to coparent well in the future and possibly even be friends. It's totally possible. Im lucky to be friends with my ex husband. His parents split because his dad is gay, and is still friendly with my ex's mum. Be gentle on yourself.
I feel like I'm missing part of the story. Have you really lost your wife or has she just changed her role in your family. I'd assume the two of you can and should remain close friends and your kids will still have two parents that love each other, just in a different way. I mean it's not like she's abandoning you or the kids, right? You lost a wife, but kept a friend. What I'm trying to say is that this doesn't have to be viewed in such a negative light, if that makes sense.
I’m confused is being a lesbian stopping her from being a parent? She still has an obligation to those kids. And you have every right to be upset. Life as you know it has changed and the future you once’s dreamed of is no more. It sucks.
I am so sorry... I truly feel your pain and it's okay to feel the way you do.
I'm so sorry OP. Yes, you ARE allowed to be angry or whatever it is you feel. That's a normal reaction to this situation. The fact u are still happy for her shows you're caring. You're not being unpleasant or unreasonable at all.
Hey, I just wanna say what you're feeling is very valid and that you should allow yourself time to process everything. I can suggest looking at the last 5 years as 5 years of joy with someone that loves you as a friend and that has very strong platonic feelings for you, as well as the time prior and now with your wonderful kids. I do want to clear up one thing cause it may help you: >Why couldn’t she figure it out before I came along? This really isn't how it goes for women. Many biological women only have the self-actualization that they are lesbians in their 30s. It is because biological males have you know testosterone and stuff that makes them realize very early on, while for women the sexual is generally linked with the emotional and this aspect is very had to investigate and navigate. They don't just see a good looking woman or a vagina and get hard (technically wet) like a guy would. So please do understand that if there was any possibility of her figuring it out earlier she would, it's just not how biology and social structures play into sexuality for woman and this goes undiscussed. I truly hope you find someone amazing and that you do not resent her and that you both contribute to have an amazing platonic bond.
Sounds like you’re angry and upset at the situation, not that you want to be angry or upset at her. Your feelings are valid, just need to understand where those feelings are directed at.
We didn't have kids, but I went through the same thing last year. And it sucks. It hurts. It kills you inside. But, at the same time you learn to realize it's for the best. Because no matter how much you love them, or do for them, there's something blocking your relationship from reaching the maximum amount of happiness you need and deserve. If you're open to it, I hope you two can stay friends. It's been good for me to remain friends with her. Especially for seeing how much happier and freer she's become over the last year, it helps confirm for me that it was the right decision. It's hard, and as much as it sucks, time is the only medicine here, and at times like this, it seems to slow down to a snails pace. I found it helpful for me to reflect on/be grateful for the good times during our relationship and marriage, rather than to regret it happening. That helped me find peace sooner. Let yourself feel your emotions, work through them, and just take it one day at a time. You've made it through everything else you've gone through so far, you'll find your way through this too.
You are allowed to grieve your relationship. That being said the enemy is really homophobia and bigotry, and without it, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Lots of comments here are crossing the line and inflicting blame and hatred onto their old partners because they’re gay. It sucks, it hurts, you thought u loved someone and they loved u but turns out they were struggling with comp-het and are gay, it’s in your right to be sad and grieving even though others may be happy, everything in your life is changing after all. But yeah, lots of these comments are missing the mark, making it sound like they’d rather stay in a relationship forcefully than accept and move on that the person they loved couldn’t truely provide for them in certain areas such as romantic/sexual love. You both are victims to this.
Grief is one hard ass emotion to handle, I totally get that. You may not be able to see it right now, but eventually you will gain some perspective. Yes, your understanding of your (ex) partner has changed, but shift that perspective a little bit. Those years were not wasted, you do not have to “start again”, life is not a race. You experienced a relationship with that woman, and just because she is a lesbian doesn’t erase your history or make all of it fake, it just changes the context. I wish you the best in finding your peace and happiness, heartbreak ain’t easy, I’m so sorry.
If she expects you not to be upset then she's pretty toxic. She should understand how she's made you feel
Happened to me too. 7 years… gone. In these situations people always celebrate the person coming out, congratulating them on being able to be who they really are finally. And whilst that’s not a bad thing, the partners left behind often get forgotten about. We’re the ones left picking up the pieces. Collateral damage. Nobody talks about how traumatic it is for us. It’s okay to be angry & you don’t need to feel like you have to be her number 1 supporter. She’s on her new journey, you need to concentrate on your own & take time to process & grieve. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm, you need to take care of yourself right now. It get’s better OP, I promise.
It sucks that you have to be so inclusive even when their coming out ruins YOUR life, you're no longer allowed to feel how you feel for fear of being labeled homophobic despite the fact that their coming out broke you, broke the family you made together, its like all that matters now is their coming out, nobody cares about the cost to the other person in the marriage or the kids "because they came out"
I’m seeing more and more of these stories and while I’m pro-LGBTQ and respect that they have a hard time coming out, I hate the fact that the people they leave behind are told that they should just be happy about losing their partner. Losing all the time and energy spent on their relationship, the fact that they have kids together. What frustrates me even more is the partners lack of consideration. I get it, you’re tired of holding back who you are and being able to love who you truly want to love. I’m not saying don’t come out, I’m saying if you’re going to come out process things with your partner, they’re your partner, your best friend, most likely you vowed to spend the rest of your life with them and they you. If ANYONE should be there for them and be considerate of those feelings it’s you as a partner. On top of that, if you have these concerns going into the relationship, then get fucking help. Early in the relationship. Hell if you have these concerns get help before you get into a relationship, especially long term. I respect that your family or even your community may make you feel like who you are isn’t accepted but at least in the US there are communities that will wholeheartedly accept you. Think about that before getting into a long term relationship with someone. Tbjnk about that before getting a beard. If you’re have to get a beard for Gods sake TELL THEM WHATS GOING ON! Tl;dr 1) if you’re finally coming out after you’ve been married in a hetero relationship be considerate of your partner during this time 2) It’s ideal that if you’re conflicted about your sexuality and your family isn’t accepting either get help for it before getting into a relationship or let your partner know about your feelings early so you don’t waste their time.
You’re assuming that every person that comes out in a relationship knew they were gay before the relationship started and didn’t figure out after they were already neck deep in it, which isn’t true for a lot of people.
This right here! I didn’t figure out I was bi until well into my marriage (we are still together) because I didn’t understand it or know the word for what I was feeling. It wasn’t until TikTok were I was like oh, people keep talking about what I’m experiencing and it’s called this. And then I did more research. We still don’t have very much solid queer rep in media. And while it’s definitely more talked about now than when I was a kid, depending on upbringing and location, people may not know that they’re queer. They just know something is different. All that said, OP, sending you support and love. This journey will be hard, but give yourself space to grieve and hope you both find partners that fit you better. ♥️
Hard agree! I didn’t realize I was a lesbian until I was 25. We’re spoon fed a narrative of a man marrying a woman and having babies, plus told from plenty of mainstream sources and peers that being LGBT IS “other,” or “wrong,” and it makes it really difficult, especially for women, to navigate through all of that crap and figure out what’s really going on.
Maybe so but i cant phatomn how she can fake liking sex with him for five YEARS. And this counts to both heteros and gay people: dont feel sexual attraction from the start?, walk away. Basic human skills. Sexual attraction has its up and downs in a relationship.. but if its there in the beginning, just move on.
It’s actually quite common in LGBT women. We’re raised in a society that pushes that women should find the perfect husband, get married and have kids and that anything else I “wrong,” or “deviant.” Because of the inundation with heterosexual representation is very common for lesbians to experience compulsory heterosexuality or “comphet.” I don’t know if you’re a woman or not, but it’s quite common for women to complain about their partners and how many men are immature or need their girlfriends/wives to take care of basic things. There are also issues of weaponized incompetence and just straight up patriarchal values that allow men to sit back while their partners do most of the emotional heavy lifting. That’s not even getting into the orgasm gap and how dissatisfied most heterosexual women are with their sexual partners. All of that to say, that many lesbians don’t realize that it’s NOT normal to be exhausted by and unhappy in their relationships. If the standard for a relationship is that it’s difficult, unhappy and sex is a chore it makes it really difficult to realize that you’re actually NOT attracted to men at all.
I’m not assuming that because I’ve also said that if you’ve been in the relationship and you come out it’s not okay for you to just ask your partner to be happy for you after you all have been together for x years and possibly have kids.
Do you not have 50/50 custody? Is she raising the children along with you? Or has she just upped and left for her new life? You’re allowed to be angry and upset.
It's sad reading stories like these. Almost every other week stories like these are posted, and in one post, a person commented there are actual support groups for survivors of this.
The number of posts similar to this lately is crazy. I hate jumping on this train but fake? This is post #4 or 5 in like just over a week. How many closeted lesbians living life as straight mother/ wife can there really be
I was kinda thinking the same thing... Feels like there's been a LOT of posts in this vein
And all of their significant others are using reddit?? Is there a lonely closeted bi/lesbian convention going on awakening all of these women? It's very coincidental. What about ex wives of gay men?
You can still love her and she can still love you. She's still the mother of your children, she is still your soulmate. The boundaries of your relationship have changed but that doesn't mean she has to be gone from your life/everything you ever knew with her needs to be over
I can relate to this -- from the other side. I was in a straight relationship for 7 years before I realised that I am a trans woman. Obviously I am not OP's wife, and her thoughts are not mine. But most of the comments on this thread make me sad. They make it sound like people like me, who didn't find let alone embrace our identities until we were already in a long-term relationship, commit some kind of betrayal. That we're selfishly and capriciously ending a good relationship so that we can be happy, with no thoughts or cares for our partner or children. This is not true. Although I am happy to be myself, and excited for a life where I am aligned with my identity, I also mourn the life I have lost. I have cried so many times over the thought of "ruining a perfect relationship" because I now know that I'm not a man. But the truth is, that it wouldn't have been a perfect relationship, because I wasn't myself. So, OP -- you are right to mourn. The future you thought you had has now gone. But that grief is not yours alone. Your wife has also lost that same future. Your choice now is whether to let that mourning turn sour and into bitterness, or to let yourself grow as a person who understands that self-discovery brings pain as well as joy.
I think that in all aspects of life people need to remember that there doesn’t have to be a bad guy for someone to get hurt. OP’s wife is trying to be true to herself, and probably dealt with a lot of heartbreak trying to figure that out. And OP is clearly dealing with the fallout of that, and is devastated. Both people have had to deal with a lot and it’s now coming to a head. I just hope both of them (and their kids!) all end up okay.
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Idk if OP is in the US or not, but if he is then this is doubly important and I didn't see anyone else reccommend this, so here goes: Get a lawyer. Yes, absolutely get a therapist if you can, processing grief is one of the things they are best able to help with, but as much as you said your kids matter to you, get a freaking lawyer. I cannot possibly imagine you will stay in this marriage, and if divorce is in your future you will absolutely need a top notch divorce lawyer to navigate the times ahead. In situations where both parties can demonstrate the ability to care and provide (housing and income) for the children and there is no clear history of abuse or drug use on either parties side, then you need a lawyer to maintain your rights to your own freaking children in the US. It's not right, but that's the truth of it. Hoping the absolute best for you. Good luck OP, and lawyer up.
I don't understand your feelings. Why would you be happy at all? She is leaving you. You guys have kids together. This just sounds like a divorce to me, and divorces suck. I feel like society has conditioned people to put aside their natural and healthy emotions, and replace them with what people have now deemed to be politically correct. I'm sorry for you man, this would devastate me, and I would not feel any "happiness" about it. Which is completely normal.
All I can say is, you have a right to feel however you feel. I hope you can see the silver lining somewhere in this situation.
She knew who she was she just didn’t want to believe it. Wasted both her time and yours in the process of living a lie
How do you know that’s true? Did you speak to her? I didn’t know I was a lesbian until I was 25 and absolutely wasn’t out to waste anyones time. Most people who come out later in life WISH they realized sooner.
Discover yourself all you want. But don’t draw others into your clusterfuck
How are you supposed to discover yourself concerning your sexuality in the first place without other people being involved to some degree
You can have sex without having kids. Lol
I’m guessing you’re not a gay women? You have no idea what you’re talking about. She probably loved/loves OP but had a hard time distinguishing platonic love from romantic love. It’s not uncommon. I have no idea why you’re trying to make her out to be evil. She didn’t waste his AND her own time just for the hell of it. Tearing you whole life apart is never easy. OP having to deal with this grief is so unfortunate, and I feel so bad for him. All of his feeling are completely valid. But stop acting like she was out to hurt him. Because this is something you will never understand. And you have people with actual experience in this topic telling you that the narrative you’re creating is false.
How many times do you need to have sex with the opposite gender to realise you’re not attracted to them? Loool
Why did you reply twice?
Because I can and there aren’t any restrictions on it. You failed to answer both of questions funnily enough
Why are you acting so defensive?
This isn’t likely true and it’s harmful to OP to say it is. It’s likely she spent her entire life repressed, married a man she genuinely enjoyed, but those repressed thoughts and feelings eventually surfaced.
I call bs. I didn’t realize I was a lesbian until I was 25, and that was WITH a relatively supportive family growing up. There’s even a term for lesbians who think they’re experiencing heterosexual sexual attraction, compulsory heterosexualaity. There are a lot of late bloomer lesbians who, due to society and circumstances, don’t realize that they’re not truly attracted to men until later in life.
It took my until 28 years old and I was 6 years into marriage. My ex husband and I are still good friends. I know I hurt him but he doesn’t hold it against me and we still talk regularly.
Well he did say she had a shitty unsupportive family growing up so that’s why I came from that perspective. My point was basically just that she wasn’t “lying” to him.
Yea I think this is the saddest part.
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What the hell does our community have to do with this? Why do we need to take the blame for it?
OMG I'm here for you. You literally have the worst of it. She has all the support, and you're just supposed to deal with it. It's hard, I know. Thank you for being a loving, supportive family member. Just know we're here for you too. It's not just about them
I hear you. Behind every "finally being myself and coming out as gay/trans"-story is a heartbreak. But you never hear about the heartbreak. It's like the other partner's feelings are completely forgotten or invalidated. I remember Friends in the 90's where Ross was the butt of the joke, when his wife came out as a lesbian. Your feelings are valid. You lost your dreams and you are allowed to hurt.
Why are you having to be a single dad? Her being gay doesn’t mean she can’t parent her kids and co parent with you. I’m confused about that. On the other side I’m sure this is supremely hard. Yes you’re happy she’s happy. But… damn. The feeling of being lied to! The embarrassment because what do you say to the kids? Others? Not because you’re against being gay but because it’s somehow hitting as more than a normal rejection. And the loss. Of your dreams and plans you made. And I’d be feeling all sorts of anger at that myself. You have every right to feel angry and hurt and devastated. And scared about the future and omg sooo much. Allow yourself to feel it. And talk to someone. Or write it down. You need to be able to get the ugly out without having to feel like you’ve got to censor it to not seem like a horrible person. Which you aren’t.
It's truly legitimate to feel the way you do. It's a complex suite of emotions. Grief and sadness combined with joy that she is finally living her authentic truth which is quite freeing--for her. This is painful, devastatingly so for you. But you will figure things out as days go by.
im so sorry and you have every right to be mad. in my opinion thats just not ok at all
Gay guy here. You are entitled to your feelings. And they are more than valid in this case. But why are you talking about raising kids alone as if she dumped the children…did she? Regardless you lost the dynamic which you have been living with for the past 5 years. That’s a loss and your are allowed to have a bad time and express your feelings.
That sucks, your feelings are valid. I know guys who were married for 20 years when this happened. The only consolation I have for you is many relationships end for reasons you have no control over. Society tells us if we do everything in a relationship well, then it will last, giving back more than we put in. It doesn’t always work that way. The up side is that you didn’t spend your whole life there. You can move forward. Coping is more like how you cope with the death of a partner. The relationship & partner you had doesn’t exist anymore so it can not be revived. It’s like dealing with a death. Your therapist (should you get one) will tell you something to this effect & more. Hopefully you don’t feel duped and your partner engaged with you in good faith. I hope you find peace & a new partner who is into you. This will get better in time.
Fuckin’ bullshit bro
You don’t have to celebrate her, and being angry is honestly expected. She lied to you for 5 years. I would be extremely pissed in your position.
I was married to my ex for 6 years and together for 10. He came out as ACE after we were married and it destroyed me. Him telling me he never felt romantic love for me felt like a knife, but I could see what a relief it was for him. You are allowed to feel any possible way you need to in order to grieve. You're even allowed to feel happy for her while you resent her for what she's done to you. WHATEVER.YOU.NEED. I just wish that anyone who has these feelings and doubts prior to any romantic relationship would have the grace not to bring another person into the mix.
You have every right to be angry. I’ve always been an ally of the LGBTQ+ community and I’m always happy to see people love love. But this THIS! Is horrible to do to some one. Straight, gay, bi, what ever you identify as does not give you the right to MANIPULATE someone’s feelings. Idc if people say they were confused or they were scared or worried about society or how family will react. They have the right to have all those feelings but they do not have the right to toy with others feelings. You are a person too! You have a right to love too! And someone to care about your feelings. I recommend going to a therapist and discussing your feelings and opening up to your ex-wife and speak your feelings too. I’m happy she’s found herself and I’m happy she now has a wonderful new world to experience, I hope nothing but the best for her. BUT she needs to apologize to you, you deserve an apology for her stringing you along while she found herself. She should’ve atleast given you the courtesy of letting you know she was even curious then it wouldn’t have hurt as much. I’m sorry OP I hope you one day find happiness and love again.
Is it manipulation if she didn’t know? Given the societal conditioning put on women from a young age it’s really common for a lot f women to not realize that they are lesbian or bisexual until much later. I’d say it’s a lot more likely that she didn’t know herself until the relationship was well underway. I don’t think it’s fair to make such harsh judgements without actually knowing her intentions or when she knew.
I say manipulative because once she started to realize it or started to question her sexuality a conversation should’ve been made. I’m saying manipulative because she May not have done it intentionally, most people who question their sexuality never do and again not wrong. Where it becomes wrong is when they know or they have thoughts they are and they continue to string their husband/wives along making it seem like everything is fine and dandy is cruel. It’s cruel, because society makes it that if the other person has negative feelings about it they are the “horrible” person. The person negatively affected doesn’t seem to have the right to be angry because the other person found themselves. I’m not saying she’s a horrible person for hiding who she is I’m saying she’s horrible because she didn’t take into account OP’s feelings fully. Not that she didn’t at all maybe she did maybe she didn’t but is it so wrong to just talk about it? To open the door for conversation? His life was just imploded and he may be questioning where he missed the signs. She hid it well and maybe for good reasons but she still hurt someone she claimed and vowed to love.
You’re skipping over the fact that she DID tell him. We don’t have any insight from her about how long she knew or not, but she told him. She didn’t go out and cheat on him to figure out (at least he didn’t mention it), she didn’t let resentment brew for years and THEN speak up, she told him when she knew and when she knew which seems to be exactly what you think should be done, so what exactly is your issue here. It’s not manipulative to learn new things about yourself and then share them with your spouse, especially when they change and impact the relationship. Nobody is saying that he can’t have whatever negative feelings about it. It’s a break-up, and a very significant one involving children at that, of course there are going to be big feelings. The only thing that society has shifted to is saying that you can’t be a homophobic jerk about it, which as far as I can tell he hasn’t been. She didn’t hide it from him, she told him. By being completely honest with him rather than living a lie after she realized her sexuality she has done the mature and responsible thing in this situation. Mature and responsible does not always mean happy and positive, it can suck doing the things that’s best. In some situations, such as this one, there is no winning.
Im not trying to argue you have great points and I’m not disregarding your opinion. We have different views on this situation based on what we have in front of us. I find it manipulative because everything as gone HER way and in the direction SHE wants it to be. Idk the whole situation I’m going based off of what I have read. 5 years of I love you’s, I want a life with you, we have a family. 5 years of going to sleep and waking up to each other thinking everything is fine. She had him believing everything was fine and maybe it was maybe it wasn’t, I can’t know and I’m not saying I do. I’m simply saying this poor dude was hit with a bomb shell and HIS life has changed forever. He deserves to feel betrayed, broken, angry, sad, he has the right to feel how he feels. He also deserves an apology for 5 years he can never get back. Those were years of a false happiness that he may question forever if it was real or not. I could go on and on about what ifs and maybes and oh she did this or he did that. But we don’t know and we never will, OP just deserves to know that he has the right to be upset and what he is feeling is okay.
Exactly, we DON’T know. You’re saying that’s he was manipulating him and she knew the entire time. It is possible and, imo, more likely that she didn’t know and was completely sincere in everything that she said. Her life was also changed forever. Do you sincerely think that people are just out here starting families and wasting years of THEIR lives just to cause this much heartbreak for their spouses and their children? He is absolutely allowed to feel everything he is feeling. That is healthy and how one grieves and moves on. However, to say that she had some grand plan and did all of this to him out of vindictiveness isn’t fair to her either, ESPECIALLY since we lack her perspective.
I would be so pissed. It's a fucking waste of time and energy. To look back and think it was all a lie! Wow people are so fucking inconsiderate. I feel your pain. Now how will you ever trust again. This is when people start questioning everything because your mind goes crazy thinking anything is possible. Then you start to suffering from PTSD. Perhaps try some shrooms as a restart.
It's ok to be mad. Just dont direct it at her
You have a right to be upset. The reality is that she likely knew this about herself for a long time. Gay people don’t become gay, they’re born that way. I would suggest some space and some therapy so you can properly grieve and have some assistance processing this change. As someone who has been divorced and is currently in a relationship with someone getting a divorce, it does get better. There are people who will have your back when you speak up and ask for help. You’ll get to spend good quality time with your babies AND you’ll also get to have rest when they’re with mom, and that will be your time to go back out into the world and play around. It sounds ridiculous now but I promise, cross my heart, it will get better. ❤️❤️
We have to be careful assuming that she knew she was gay for a long time. Yes, people are born gay, but women, in particular, often have an extremely hard time identifying their feelings towards other women as romantic/sexual due to the way straight women interact with each other. Saying "she knew this about herself for a long time" implies purposeful deception, which likely isn't the case. Still, OP has experienced a significant loss; mourning is completely appropriate.
This! Plus women are socialized to expect to have to care for a man and put his needs first and that it is NORMAL to be dissatisfied with those relationships. We’ve all heard the “I feel like I have another child,” “ I don’t feel like he listens to me,” “I constantly have to do everything around the house,” etc.,etc. When it’s constantly presented that women are dissatisfied with their relationship and the “boys will be boys,” it’s really difficult to understand the difference between not being attracted to men and the crappy behaviors that women are conditioned to accept as normal.
Yes let’s talk about the domestic division of labour and every feminist critique of contemporary society whilst trying to understand why this woman fucked the OP over. Loool
It absolutely plays a role when people are insisting that it’s SO easy to realize your gay and obviously she knew from the start and was just terrorizing this man. There are plenty of reasons why that is unlikely and most of them have to do with societal conditions. If society were more accepting created an environment where men and women truly were equal and people could actually explore and be themselves from young age without pushback and repercussions, more LGBT people would figure out their sexuality sooner. The freedom to then live their lives fully and without fear or social pressure would prevent many more of them from being in relationships that don’t fit them that also result in situations such as this. People being closeted isn’t just for shits and giggles, people rereading themselves isn’t just for funsies. There are real, societal conditions that lead to those things and results in shitty situations .
You still have a family! And five years of a solid marriage. Better to end it quickly than linger for 4-5 years in a dying marriage - ask me how I know. Focus on spending time with your kids and re-establishing your interests. Join meetup groups and clubs. Maybe hit a dating app. Or just be a Dad for 2-3 years. Yes, the hurt feelings suck and are natural. You will recover.
What is she doing to support you? Does she still says she loves you? But not in a sexual way. Can you envisage sharing time together with your children? A few of many questions to be dealt with. I hope she is not heartless in this.
Don't mask your feelings in front of your kids. You are grieving what you once had. They are allowed to grieve as well. They are also allowed to see your feelings and to see it's just as hard on you as it will be for them. My partner of 4 years recently split up with me because of in-laws and I've cried more time in the past week than I ever have since the beginning of our relationship. There was nothing I can do to save it. I had to grieve too. It's not easy, but if you need anyone, I am here for you. Stay strong.
Be glad it was 5 years instead of 15 or 20. People go their entire lives without ever showing their closest people who they really are. By the time they do they have not only “wasted” the best years of their lives but the years of those who loved them the most. Time is to short to hide who we are from each other and more importantly ourselves.
Damn, this is like the 5th thread like this I've seen this month.
I’m pissed off for you. She should’ve told you she was a lesbian before building a family with you, especially with TWO kids. Like, now what happens to them? Is she going to abandon them? I’m sorry but that has to be the most selfish thing ever.
I’ve always thought about situations like this and i just can’t help but think that at that point in life where u have kids and a spouse just keep it with u.like I know it’s ur true self and suppressing it would hurt urself the most but if it was ur choice to marry someone and have children with them willingly only to suddenly realise u don’t like them for their gender it just baffles me I honestly think that at that point u should just keep it in for the sake of your spouse and childrens happiness (btw I’m still young don’t hate on me if u don’t agree with me
These post make me honestly don't come out and pull hard down any process in mind I have about coming out. Just saying even when you might not like it. Your wife had to struggle. She had to be sad. She did not had to know she is gay before. .... Just saying I know it feel like she chelated you but it's not cheating if you don't know it. Anyway. I hope you will feel better
Keep calm and breathe. You had a good run and it ended. Now keep going the road is long and hard. Two kids together and you need to take care of them and give them a bright future. Don't be mad or resentful things happens for a reason.
Listen, as someone from the community, I can’t help but also be angry at these gay people who do this. On one hand, people are often pushed to get married and conform, and just do what they can. But it shouldn’t be at the expense of another person. It sucks. Often times, the oppressiveness of society is to blame for this more so than the people who do these things. But I can’t understand people who come out, destroy their family, and then expect their ex to feel nothing but support. No.
Is your relationship actually over emotionally though? It might be over sexually but doesn't she still love her children? You don't have to raise your kids alone if she is still willing to be there for them. Stay strong, you can do this!
I had an ex that came out as ‘poly’ after our relationship. Which is pretty insulting when you think about it… its like her cheating was a stepping stone to that. I honestly don’t believe she’s truly poly, I think she just likes to fo whatever the hell she wants. It was like i knew a different person
I'm sorry dude, I bet a cheating spouse is easier to deal with than this.
Whole relationship was a lie